The Neighborhood Listen - A Curious Case with Victoria Longwell

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

It’s the holidays in Dignity Falls, and Burnt, Joan, and Doug are feeling good vibes only! Burnt announces his plans for Christmas, Joan battles her hormones, and Doug gets LOUD. Later they are joined by Emily (Victoria Longwell), a local cashier who is being accused of stealing cat food.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock this episode and ALL seasons of The Neighborhood Listen ad-free, as well as full length exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Your neighbor. Good. Indignity falls. You're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app. And us. Bird. And Jode.

From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all And meet new neighbors as well We'll chat about any posts you're missing So just tune in To the neighborhood listen Here we go Are you done with your squeaking?

Did I squeak? I heard little It was like we were wearing a leather jacket or something Gentlemen, a leather jacket You know leather jacket makes noise It does. I'm not sure it's squeaks. Okay, I corrected myself. This is a bad way to start. Let's pretend.

Let's not include this. Let's not include this. I beg your pardon, Doug? My leather jacket does squeak and I am wearing it. See? I feel exonerated. I am so sorry. Well, now I'm glad we're going into this energy where you're correct and I am wrong. It's going to bode well for the podcast. Thank you for defending me. My honor, though.

So chivalrous. Sure, it's that big deal. Okay. You're welcome. I'm just going to go with your welcome. uh should we start yeah okay we're recording done yeah welcome to the neighborhood listen this is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of dignity falls through the eyes of its many residents i am one such resident my name is burd me a payday i am the pharmacist in chief of the dignity falls missy that's the pharmacy here dignity falls i mean we have only the one but that's the one that counts and here with me as always is my co-host joan pedestrian i am the top realtor give yourself a little bit of a little bill for you build up. That was fun. My headphones were twisted. Don't get them twisted. But, uh, I had to just get them, uh, I had to, I had to come correct with my headphones before I spoke. You can't have those twisted around. No, it's just not a good way to, it's just not good, um, it's not good vibes. It's not good vibes. You know what I mean? That phrase good vibes only. Good vibes only here in the kitchen. Good vibes only. Do you think that's true? Uh,

what, what's the context? Well, do, do, do we, do we have? have when we do this show do we are you talking about so the context is our podcast yes great what are some other context I could have used I don't like a party where people are like good vibes only and what was my question going to be well I don't know maybe

that's why I asked for context first you feel at parties you already remember you're starting off correct and I was wrong so just keep that in mind all right so let's have that energy good vibes only people don't know that it was off mic oh that's right we're cutting it right babe oh that's fun I have a little I have a little bowl of toffee on here

and it's a see-through glass bowl. Of course, that's see-through because it's glass. You could paint glass, though. You sure could. You could frost it. That is, that's absolutely correct. Like milk glass. What's milk glass?

You can stain it. Milk glass is that sort of, it's like you see certain kinds of coffee cups that are milk glass. They are glass, but they are, you know, sort of a color. But so they have, but they look, they're very specific looking. Can you use an incentive? You? Yeah.

I'm still confused. Is this mug made of milk glass? That doesn't help. Origin? The pottery store? Let me, I'll find you a picture of a milk glass. Okay. I'm just picturing something looks like a dirty glass that someone didn't wash.

So then honestly, then my sink is full of milk glasses. Oh, no. Because you know that the boys in this house do not clean a single thing. The vibe in that sink is less than immaculate. It's bad. All right. Milk glass. Ah, yes.

This is perfect. This is perfect. Okay. For everybody at home, Burnt is looking up a picture of a milk glass, but there's nothing else I can tell you because that's all that's happening. It's not a milk glass.

Maybe we'll post it. Oh, that's not at all what I was picturing. It's so it's a mug. It's a themed mug. It's not, no, it's a themed mug. It's the material that it's made of. Oh, so just white ceramic. Yes, but it doesn't always have to be white.

Why did you say that? Because it doesn't always have to be white and it's not exactly ceramic. Then what is it? Damn it! Joan? Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so unhappy.

This is the feminine overdrive, like I told you about. As people don't know, I've rebranded paramedopause as a feminine overdrive. And sometimes it gets the better of me. But I'm trying to take it back. I'm trying to take it back as a positive thing. You're trying to reclaim it. But right now I'm full of rage about this. Now, that's completely different.

What you have to show me is a classic T set from the 50s. That's what that looks like to me. Joan, I beg of you to look at the material that the things are made of. That looks like porcelain. want my honest opinion. We're going to have to put all these pictures up on the website so people that we're talking about. We're not doing that.

It looks like a beautiful, delicate emerald porcelain. It does look like porcelain, but it's not really. It's not. But you have to agree, it looks exactly different from what you showed me. I'm going to send you this article because this,

I will not agree to that and I'm going to. But the first one was like a white mug that said perf on it or something. What did it say on it? Joan. Joan. Please. Joan, Oh, a moment of tender.

Maybe a glass of wine. You want me to start. I have a glass of wine. It's nine in the morning. Is that new for you? This is earlier that we like to start the podcast. Yes, but it's not the earliest you've ever had a glass of wine. We're not going to talk about my relationship with alcohol again.

Breakfast wine. Breakfast wine. It's been a while. I do love a breakfast wine. You do have a breakfast wine. I have a plate of bacon and a lovely sarah. And I dip the bacon in it. Listen, don't knock until you tried it.

I'll tell you what. That gets the day going. Talk about good vibes only. Right? Which, by the way, do you understand now when I gave you the context? Did you ask me for, no, I asked you for context. You wanted to know if good vibes only applies to our podcast.

Is that what you meant? Yes, but then you were, you needed more context. Well, then we got lost in the milk glass of it all. We sure did. And I don't want to revisit it. No, do I. But I do think that we, I think we try to keep good vibes only

until our guest comes on and makes you very angry. It happens often. Not always, but sometimes these guests are very. Bert, I can't tell you. how many times I've said to someone, well, I wish you well, and I do think you're in person. And you say, I disagree, I think you're a horrible person. That's what you say. That was my beginning impression

of you. I'm working on one. Okay. Don't actually sound like me. I was trying. Okay. Can I hear it again? I think you're wrong. You're horrible person. Oh, the mirror that flatter's not. I do, I will plead guilty to that.

Okay. That often I have told our guests that they are horrible people. Yes, you have. But I feel like only when, only when they are. I'm not sure that makes a difference. Of course it makes a difference. But I don't think they are.

It doesn't. It doesn't. I wish that wouldn't happen to your voice when you say my name. Honey. It's a bummer. I'm sorry. I just called you honey as if. Oh, wow.

You were like that judge. Like that lawyer calling the judge, honey. That judge got stuck calling a female lawyer honey. Why did you call me honey just now? The judge didn't call the lawyer, honey. Oh. The judge could get away with it. The lawyer called a female judge.

Oh, that's what it was. I forgot that it's worse. Do you know for a minute? I think we talked about this when it happened. I thought for a second they were out as being a couple. Coldplay concert style. That's what I thought it was. Oh, that would be exciting.

And I thought that was very, that was very exciting to me. And it was more fun than him just being, you know, a misogynistic prick. Yeah. If that were true, they both played it off beautifully. Beautifully. Yes. And probably had passionate sex that night. Oh, my, can you imagine?

As you would like to say, penetrative. Joan and I have been doing Coldplay concert role play. Doug, that's not of our business. Oh, I'm sorry. We go, we like, we go, we like, we're going to all the local games, the local sports games. We try to get on the jumbo.

Oh. And the second it comes to us, we all, we freak out. We act like we absolutely don't want to sit. You just sit down immediately. Yeah. Sometimes I punched him in the face. He just folded his arms. What did the guy do?

Yeah, I think he just. She drops out of sight like there's a trap door. Yeah. I've been adding. Trapped door. I've been adding. the 6-7 thing to it. Oh, God.

Joan doesn't like it. I don't like it. I hate it. What does that mean? It kind of looks like you're juggling. Wait, is there a gesture that goes along with 6-7? Oh, you better believe there is. You go 6-7.

Then I do a, what do they call it, a dab? A dab. Oh, yeah. Well, wow, we're really showing our age now. We do what it's called a dab. It's cool. Do they call it a dibbitty-doo?

This is when I like to revisit the moment when you asked about something that was pop culturey. I think it was this, maybe. And you asked me to explain it. And I said, I think it's just for us to feel old. And then you imitated the young people going, get in your grave. And that's how I feel a lot of times when I have to look up something and it should just

say, go get in your grave. If you don't know what this means, go get there. Go get in there. They really did a number on us with six, seven, because when you try to look up what it means, it doesn't tell you. Of course not. Well, because no, because it's not a thing. It literally means nothing.

It is created. to make people like us crazy. I think you just got to embrace it. Is it the 23 Skadoo of the 20th century? I hope so, because honestly, that one I don't care for. I hate it. You don't like 23 Skadoo? No, that sounds like some improv game that people play in college.

What? Don't you just say Ann Tyler, too, after that? Really? No, that was Tippy Canoe and Tyler. But what is that? That was a political slogan. It was. That actually did have meaning.

Okay. Could I tell you what that meaning is? Remember when Slokin's used to have meaning? Now it's just 6-7 all over the time. You remember when Snogic'd just have meetings. All over the time. We haven't talked about anything. No, I've introduced myself.

You have not. I haven't. Well, we heard you say, Joan. So we know that my name is Joan Pedestrian. I'm the top realtor here and the top local actress, if I may. Correct. And, oh, and the other person you're hearing is my husband Doug. That was almost like theatrical.

Oh, was it? Oh, and. Oh, I didn't see him here. I don't know if that works. Babe, where are you? Hello. Are you knocking as an entrance to start talking? That was more of a theater of the mind.

What does that mean to you? I mean, for people to hear a knock sound and they picture me opening the door. So theater of our listeners' minds is what you mean. Yes. But are they picturing that they are opening the door or did you just not? Did you do a knock and open? I just invited myself in. Listen, the reason why he has the knock.

and you'll probably be hearing this throughout the episode is he always wanted to create one of those he loves those things like where you know it's like an old radio play and there's like a Foley guy over to the side like squash squash, squash, squash, squash making a son of galoshes in the mud He's got a bunch of brains.

He's got, yeah, he's got brains. He gets calves brains and he squishes them and it's like, you're walking through the mud. So he's in the folly, eyeballs. So he's in the Foley room today. He's in the radio show Foley room. And so who, you know, he's waiting for us to say things that he can, like, do a sound of the first time. This is happening?

You think that this has happened before? I honestly can't tell you more joke. I don't ever remember saying Foley Room on this podcast. All right. That I would remember. So what's going on in the Foley Room? Yeah, the Foley Room. I got some carrots.

I got some celery. I got some. Are you just shirri? Wait. Are you planning on patenting something new? Are you making lunch? I'm sorry. Do we not know what Foley is?

No, we do. You do, but what kind of sounds are you hoping to achieve with like carrots? You can achieve a nuclear blast with a carrot. I'm sorry, what? I, Doug, I got a call it, such as. We're going to need to hear that at some point. A nuclear blast. A nuclear blast with a carrot.

Is that what they did on Oppenheimer? So many carrots. They used, no one used carrots. Off the charts. You know, famously that fully for the dinosaur, the T-Rex in Jurassic Park was the sound of a koala. That's true. I did remember. Isn't that crazy?

Yes, it is. So they apparently sound terrifying when they make noise. You got to get real close, I guess. You do. You got to stick a microphone, right, right, in their little snouts. That's right. What was that? That's it.

That's a nuclear blast. No, but if you put a bunch of effects on it, it can sound like an absolute nuclear black. You can say that of anything. Also, how many carrots have you snapped already, but that's a wasted carrots? Piece of paper can be the universe tearing apart. It can be the universe tearing apart. That sound, that's a piece of paper. Yeah, if you tear a piece of paper

and then put a bunch of effects on it, it could sound like the universe tearing apart. Like if you add like a file that says the sound of nuclear blast. Yeah, but do you think the nuclear blast starts with a carrot being broken in half? Are you thinking of like the butterfly wing chaos or? Is that what you're thinking of something tiny,

making some makes up? I feel like you're getting them confused. Who confused? Okay. Who confused? Me confused? You confused. Great response to.

I think you're getting confused. who confused Turn it back around on him It almost worked It does make you sound more confused though If you put your ear Right up to the speaker And it has a bunch of effects on it

That snap of a carrot can be It's the power of effects It's the punch of effects The whole point is everything that you brought Into the Foley room That should be enough That should make the sound You've seen the people do fully right

because they often have little food things that they're stirring around and they're having carrots. No one's arguing this. Okay, but then they put a bunch of effects on it. Okay. But Doug, are you saying like, I can't do this raw dog.

Doug, are you saying? Oh, babe. It's too early for that phrase. But also radio shows. I haven't even had my bacon and wine yet. In radio shows, they're just making the sound of people walking, doors open and closing.

That's right. Nuclear explosion. That's right. These were like murder mysteries, you know? War of the Worlds. Of like creaking doors and what? War of the Worlds did not have a nuclear explosion. Well, I had.

It was aliens. It had big stuff going on. They had big stuff going on. But are you saying like, you know, the lightsaber sound effects started with somebody like punching a pumpkin? Listen to this. No, I feel like. Okay.

Oh, now that's good. That's good. Is that like a bunch of? We don't know it's good till we know what is supposed to represent. But that sounds like old-fashioned folly. Do you know what I mean? It sounds like old-fashioned radio sound effects. It sounds like a bunch of little limes in a box.

And what is that meant to represent? Hold on. How did you know? Was he right? You're really calling me out to that. Was he right? Is it Lyme in a box? It's a limes in a box.

Okay. But it's not supposed to sound like that. If you put a bunch of effects on it, it could sound like a bowling alley. It sounded like a bunch of ducks running, babe. But I loved that. Wait, what? A bolling out? A bunch of ducks running.

Oh, I like that. Close your eyes and pick your ducks running. Go. Isn't that adorable? I'm not getting it. Oh, you're kidding. What, right, whack, whack, whack.

Perfect, babe. That was really good. All right, now I got it. Now I got it. I needed the bunch of effects. The quack effect. The quack effect. That could be a movie.

Am I doing it? It sure could. What would be to pitch, babe? Yeah, based on the, he does this a lot. The quack effect. Just like, some phrase will be said. He's like, that's a movie. But then I always make him say the,

either the log line or just whatever, pitches. What, what is it, babe? How about this? How about this? How about this? What would, okay, go on. Four. It's just the Mighty Ducks part four. The quack effect. And can you give me what the log line on the poster would be? Uh, I hope it starts with sometimes. Oh, that's good. That's a good idea. These ducks mean business. Okay. So this time. The quack effect. These ducks mean business. What does...

Then with a mushroom cloud in the background. Oh, no. Why are you so obsessed with nuclear war? What's going on with you? An absolute nuclear blast in the back. What nuclear blast? This is a kids hockey team still? No, they all grew up and they have business degrees.

This is just about that. Oh, it was the same Mighty Duck. Yes, the same Mighty Ducks. Emilio Aceves is still the coach. He's probably too old to be coaching. Didn't he... He got bounced from the series because he... They wanted, they were going to do a sequel and he said, I want like five billion dollars.

And they were like, oh, we don't need you. I hope it wasn't five billion. You think you're the mighty ducks? To be fair, I don't know the sequels really surpassed the first one. I have not watched any of them. Yeah, I'm going to have to take a guess. I'm going to have to take a guess. The first one was the best one.

All right. Well, I look forward to hearing not nuclear blasts. in the next hour, but maybe some more fun things like the quack feet. I really like that. I really liked it. The quack feet, for example.

You know, the quack feet. Did you have anything to talk about, burnt? Probably not. Oh, come on. You always do. Middle of December. It sure is.

The holidays are in the air. They are in the air. We have a lot of scents and fragrances that get unleashed into the air if there is dignity falls because people love the holidays here. They take the summertime misters that are outside of restaurants and everything.

Yes. And they start putting scented liquids in there. Gingerbread. Pine trees. Yule. Yule, for example. You know, like the log. A manger.

Yeah, the smell of a manger. Yeah, that's not popular. But it does, for religious people, it really puts them in the mood. They absolutely love it. Mour. Yeah. Frankencence.

Mm-hmm. Gold. The smell of gold. Smell of gold. Which really just smells like, you know, the rings that turn your fingers green. It actually smells like cheap gold. It smells like that.

And so everyone, people enjoy it. Some people are allergic to it. It can cause problems. It does cause problems. It does cause problems. Yeah, every year. Yeah, every year people go to the hospital. It's a busy season for the hospital.

It's a holiday season. There was one year where they did just gnaug. And it really, it made it hard for people to breathe. really mess with their airways. No, yeah. What was it again? It was just pure gnaug. Oh, yeah, pure gnaug.

You can't just do pure gnaug. You got to add the egg. You got to add the egg. You have to add the egg. But that's why the hospitals decorate so crazy. Which is the gnaug or the egg. But that's why the hospitals go all out with decorating. Yeah, because they know they're going to be full.

Yeah. And we have that local TV show Hospital Holiday Wars. Oh, I love that. It's a great show. Yeah, like they compete, you know, they wrap each patient's door and then they get judged on that. They decorate the patients. They decorate the patients sometimes. Especially if you're in a coma.

I love when they compete for the patient's belongings. Like, whoever wins gets all their stuff. It gets dark. It gets dark. The patient has to have died. That's when the bidding war starts. They can't just take your stuff if you're just sitting there for a broken leg. I mean, we're not totally, totally sick here in Dignity Falls.

We have some rules. Are you okay? Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought maybe it was some dog that got caught in your throat. Can you imagine? I wouldn't be here if that were the case. It's true.

Are you and Gabby? Is her family, do you celebrate the holidays? We do celebrate the holidays. And we are going to, we have a destination Christmas this year. Oh, boy. I smell an adventure coming. You too are no stranger to adventure. Maybe.

We are going to... Where? We're going to Devil's Tower in Wyoming. Okay. And we're going to spend Christmas on top of the tallest butte. Really? Yeah.

Now, this reminds me of when you got very angry when I told you about a guy who climbed something called the devil's thumb, even though it looked nothing like a thumb. And it was... Because the rain... There's a range of hills or mountains. It's like a hand like five fingers, but the other names are like the second cat, the first cat.

It's very, very obnoxious. So I'm not familiar with this one. It's devil's what? Devil's Tower. If you've seen close encounters with the third kind. Oh, is that what that is? That's the shape that Richard Dreyfus keeps seeing and trying to recreate with his mashed potatoes. Well, not only that.

Then he eventually is digging up dirt. And Terry Gar is like, I've had enough. So that does look like a thumb. Kind of does. What looks like a thumb? Devil's tower? No, it doesn't. It doesn't?

Do you have any thumbs that are perfectly squared off? Flat top thumbs? That's a personal question, Burns. Well, you would introduce a personal topic. I don't like to talk about my digits. You're very reticent to talk about your fingers. I'm very weird about my fingers.

You don't like to talk about your toes. I don't. But fingers are special. Barely talk about your nose and ears. Well, remember when I, asked you what my feature was that stands out to you and you just said face. I do remember that. So, okay, the devil's tower just looks like that big sort of like almost egg-shaped thing that

he made out of mashed potatoes and what that. Egg-shaped. What do you think it's shaped like? It's certainly not, what does devil's tower mean? It's shaped like a tower. Is it shaped like the devil's tower? How do you know what it looks like? I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I can't believe I have to do more. Oh, he's sending me a picture. Oh, yeah, look at that egg. It looks fit. How dare you? How dare me? How dare you, sir?

Both of you. But I don't remember. And then that's it. This does not. Both of you. This is not the Yule Tide. It's not good vibes only right now, everybody. I'm so sorry.

We're going to be working on getting back to good vibes only. It's weird vibes only right now. It's weird vibes only right now. But you're going to sleep on top. Is that allowed? Are you allowed to spend? the night on top of it? No, you're not.

And it's going to be quite a feat getting up there. Sure. But the view is beautiful. I'm okay. Is this one of the more dangerous? Is it even legal to climb it? Do you know? Okay.

It doesn't look like it. I doubt it. It looks like the sheer cliff face. But you know, because you're... It looks like the El Capit tan. It does look like the El Capit Tan. Yes. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, of course I do. Okay. Uh, uh... What is the... Oh, no. What's your question, babe? I just need to refresh.

Oh, you need to remember what El Capitan is? What El Capitan is. Am I just saying it weird? El Capitan. El Capitan. What's weird about that? The El Capitan... I don't know if it's weird or not.

It's one of the most famous rock formations in the Yosemite Valley, but it's also just the most dangerous one, the most dangerous ones to climb. Because, like, you're climbing up a wall, and then they made that famous documentary about it with that kind of... strange man who was also very impressive and it's called, I don't know, like a lonely man. Oh, I couldn't stand that. Lonely man. What's it called? Freestyling?

It's not called freestyling. But it's a guy who has the thing missing from his brain so he doesn't, he's not afraid. Hans Solo. That guy? Han Solo, yes. They called Han Solo. It's called Lonely Man and it's about this guy on Solo who climbs the El Capitaine. Hans Solo was a lonely man when you think about it.

He sure was. He had his best friend. They couldn't speak the same language. They could understand each other. Tell how. Yeah. But they obviously came from very different cultures. Obviously.

Anyways, it's like that, babe. Do you remember that now? I do remember that. Is it upsetting. So you're going to, how are you going to get up there? Well, that's up to Gabby's family because they are the, the climbers and jumpers. They are real dare devils. They are real dare devils.

She comes from a family of smoke jumpers. So they are very adventurous. And crampons will be involved from what I understand. Yes, that came up last time. And yeah. Although I thought you only needed them for ice. Is there going to be ice on the top right now? I guess it would.

I hope not. I mean, Swioleman. Yeah, I don't they have severe weather there? I've never been. I've never been either. But apparently, I guess the late Dick Cheney left behind a bunch of equipment that nobody knew about. And because of their fire.

department connections too soon to talk about anything related to the late vice president dick cheney okay go on beloved by everyone okay so he left behind what now he left behind a bunch of equipment apparently he used to go up there all the time really yes he would he would come in from jackson hole and he would just say i go up there the top of the great top of dallas tower yep you nailed him you captured him um uh so you You're going to just use that equipment? You're using Dick Cheney's equipment? Gabby's family's got a hold of it.

Okay, they've got a hold of it. Dick Cheney's Devil Tower's scaling equipment. This sounds like a solid plan. What could go wrong? Well, I mean, they've done things like this before. Of course they. They have used previous deceased vice president's tools to do things before. Yes.

Is it just like a... What did? I just picture his scaling equipment being like a lift, like a wheelchair elevator. he's picturing the thing that you take up the stairs you know, it's like a little ride

like he goes all the way around. I guess so. That would be fun. Him just muttering. One of those huts? Yeah, here we go. Almost at the top.

That doesn't seem quite realistic. Once I get to talk, I'll be grated with flowers and chocolate. Seems realistic. But, and so I, because I even wonder

what the top looks like is there even a flat surface for you to pitch a tent or to lay down a sleeping bag. It's very flat. It's very flat. Yes. Okay.

And there's flags planted from. Flags planted. Yeah. Okay, great. People that have been up there. Maybe extraterrestrials. You're celebrating Christmas up there.

Yeah. Okay, great. Well, I have no more questions. How long have we been talking, babe? We should probably take a break. We probably should. I don't think we need the 10 minutes. No, we don't, because it's going to take an extra 10 minutes to find out.

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. All right. Thanks, everybody. Yeah, thanks everybody. We'll be right back with more of the neighborhood. Listen. Hi, this is Kai.

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by mentioning us at checkout terms and conditions obviously apply. Thank you, ORAFRAM's, and thank you, listener. Hey, Paul. It's me, Nicole. Hi. I'm sorry, I woke you from your nap. How did you get in here? The door was open.

You should lock your door when you're napping. That's on me. All right. Now that you're away, can I at least tell you something because I couldn't wait? Listen, the holidays are almost here. Oh, my God, that's right. Okay. So you can't be nappy. You can't be sleeping on the holidays, Paul. And if you still have names on your list, don't panic. And I feel like you panicked a little already. But don't panic anymore. Panicking right now. Panic not. Uncommon goods makes holiday shopping stress free. It says stress-free. But I know that's a typo.

It does say stress-free. Because stress-dree, that's not going to help you. Whatever it means. I don't want to be that either. No. Stress-free and joyful with thousands of one-of-a-kind gifts you cannot find anywhere else. Don't even try it. You'll discover presents that feel meaningful and personal. never rushed or last minute. Now, if this is the uncommon goods I'm thinking of, uncommon goods looks for products that are high quality, unique, and often handmade, or made in the U.S.? Yes, it is that same uncommon goods. No, if that's true, then many are crafted by independent artists and small businesses so every gift feels special and thoughtfully chosen.

Do you have any personal experience with this? I do, and here's the thing. There really are very clever gifts that are tailor-made. They seem tailor-made for things like, for example, I have a six-year-old son and he's very into science and he's also very into Advent calendars. I already got him a chocolate one.

He wants a second one. He can't have that. That's too much chocolate. I'm a good mom. I got him a scientific experiment advent calendar. There's like a little scientific experiment you do every single day,

which I think is kind of a fantastic idea. It's good for your brain and it won't rot your teeth. And it leads up to him becoming the fly. Is that correct? Yeah, I sure hope not. Uncomal goods is something for everyone.

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To get 15% off your next gift, go to Uncommonogoods.com slash TNL. That's Uncommon Goods.com slash TNL for 15% off. Do not miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods, we're all out of the ordinary. Now you can go back to sleep, Paul. The Buccaroonies for this one. because look at it. It is steel. It's a very nice piece made from steel. Great condition. This is solid and heavy. Handmade work of art created for your home theater.

Has many hooks on the back to hang on your movie theater while that's why it's $50. It's just got these really quality hooks and there's a lot of them. Measures approximately 17 by 8, 17 inches tall by 8 inches wide. That is, now that I look at it, maybe probably should have gotten some better lighting. I do realize that this popcorn bag looks not only as if it's been compromised because animals have taken bites out of it, but also the popcorn coming out of it. It looks green.

It looks gross. And I showed you the back of it, which I think has the signature of the original steel artiste that made this. So in some ways, if it didn't say popcorn, it would be indistinguishable what this is. But still, I got to charge 50 bucks for it. It's too darn special. And welcome back to the neighborhood listen.

Joan, it's that time. It sure is. And I appreciate the tone that you brought us back in with. It really felt good vibes only. I hope so. It did. It really did. I want to keep the vibes.

Only. Only immaculate. Mm-hmm. All right. As we do every week, we comb the neighbor app, the social networking application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting people in our neighborhood to talk to. Maybe they want to amplify their message.

Maybe they need to be able to account. Whatever the case, we bring them in here and we talk to them. And if you see a post that you think we should talk about, want you screenshot it and send it to us at Burton and Joan at gmail.com. And I think this might be from a listener. Let me just double check that. Oh, okay. Yes.

No, it isn't. Oh. We found this one. We found this one. We did the work. Good for us. All right. This was posted in the crime and safety section by someone named Anahada.

Okay. Package theft is the headline. I came home today to find our front gate open, and I'm pretty sure I just missed the thief. I had to pull in around her car in a postal truck. I got out to see why the gate to our yard was open, locked eyes with a woman in her car right in front of my gate. She nervously said, hi, you remember me? I said, no. She said, I work at the Vons, and I stopped here to say hi to you, and then drove off. I don't know any of the Vons, and definitely have never seen this woman.

Why would someone from Vance come to my house anyway? The exchange deaf seemed off and felt like something was up. When I got in, I saw our Amazon notification that our cat food had just been delivered while I was out, and it was not there. Anyway, she was a small brown-haired woman in a white car. It's like that Holly song. I did not get her photos since she left quickly. Worth keeping an eye out. Glad it was only cat food.

Person, one. Hair, brown. age, 30s. Sex, female. Physical build, small. Vehicle, one. Color, white. Other, small car.

It really lists the number of person and the number of vehicles. It does. Wow. Yeah. So there was not one person with two vehicles. No, because there was, in case there was some confusion. Yes, because she did name two vehicles just so, you know, this one person was responsible for just the one vehicle. Right, right.

Now, Anahara is not here. Instead, we have the person that Anahada was posting about, would you please, it Introduce yourself and welcome to the neighborhood listen. Hello. Yes, hello. My name is Emily. Thank you so much for having. Nice to meet you, Emily. I've just been desperate to be here. Okay. I've got a big little incident that happened. A big little one.

A big little incident. We deal with a lot of those. Oh, I love that. Big little incidents. Oh, I love that. Oh, I love that. Yes. And you know, I liked what you were so much awkward, angry sex. So much angry sex. So many houses. And don't you love to know those things about people? I do. Oh, absolutely. That's my favorite. Me too. Now here, we want to know about you. Can you tell us from your perspective, what happened? Tell us your side of the story. My side of the story is that I was there.

I did say hi, do you remember me? I work at Bonds. That's true. Okay, okay, okay. Pretty much the account they gave is accurate, except it wasn't intended to be a theft. I do work at Bonds, and I do like to say hi to my customers. Okay.

And it's tough that in this climate, it gets, you know, filtered through somebody's brain as packaged theft rather than just community. So do you make a regular habit of finding out where your shoppers live? Yes. And just going to their homes to say hi. Yes. But when you said it's too bad it was sort of

perceived or depicted as a theft, did you take her cat food? Well, yes. Okay. Okay. And I know what you're thinking. Well, sure. Yes. But I... Change your minds. I didn't want to take it. I simply wanted to know what the package was because I like to know about my customers. I like to know about people I'm insatiably curious. Okay.

And they arrived as I was sort of, you know, I was snooping. I'll admit to snooping. I can admit to it. So hang on. You're parked in your white car. My white car. And you see small. You and you are, I can just tell everybody this is a small person with a small build.

brown hair. You're one woman. I am one woman. And you're just one woman. I understand. Just one woman on podcast. Standing in front of a microphone. Standing in front of a microphone.

So you are sitting in your car, yes. And then you see the Amazon delivery person come. Is that how it happened? We get a postal truck. Okay. Yes. Sure. But you're there before the delivery happened.

Yeah. Where are you in the process of, are you just waiting for this person to come home? That's what I'm trying to get to. Yes. Well, honestly, it's a, it's a, it's a, It's a, the street is littered with customers. So it didn't have to be on a high. Littered with customers.

I mean, Vons is a popular store. And we have the Starbucks in there, so you know. Yes, we do. We get a Starbucks. It's the only Starbucks we have in Dignity Falls. It's the only one we would allow because it's housed within the Vons. That's right. And when it opened, it is the only Vons.

That's right. And when both opened, they gave everyone the day off school. They did. Because no one had ever had a Frappuccino before. No, and you have to have a Frappuccino. You have to have a Frappuccino. Those kids were bouncing off the wall. It was really something to see.

Except the band, they played the opening ceremony. Well, that's right. They didn't have the full day off. That's true. But they love music, so. And what was the song they did for the opening of Starbucks, babe? We are the champions?

You're the music guy. Yeah. And wasn't that fitting? It really was. We were all winners that day. We all felt like champions that day. It's true. It's true.

Okay, so I think the, I think the question is, you said that you were already mid-s-snoop. So what does that look like? Were you outside of your car at that point? when the postal delivery truck arrived? Yes. Oh, well, yes. Okay, yes.

I was outside of my car just seeing what was happening. I mean, you don't have to say yes just because I suggest it. I don't want her to keep changing her story just based on what we're saying. It did seem like she was agreeing, like capitulating. Maybe a little bit. I don't want to be feeding you words. So you just talk. But I want the vibes to be good.

I really appreciate. So far they're great, Emily. So far they're great. I really appreciate what you're saying about the vibes. I mean, they're great and curious, okay? Just like you. Curious about a lot of things. So where were you when you saw the package delivery?

When the postal truck arrived, I was in my car. You were, okay. But then as they laid the package down, I thought, oh, this street, I know who lives here. I've been wanting to say hi to them. I haven't checked in yet. I'm going to just see what this package is. Maybe it's their birthday. Maybe it's flowers, you know, and that can make my hello all the more specific.

They famously come in boxes? I love ordering boxes of flowers from Amazon. I love box flowers. Well, okay, but to be fair, I didn't know it was an Amazon box just yet. Oh, sure. I just know it's a package. Of course. Because it's coming in the post office.

Of course it could have. Could have been $1,800 flowers. Yes. But it wasn't. It wasn't the Amazon box. No. And it was cat food. Uh-huh.

New low. Oh. Anyway. Did you say new low? N-U-L-O. Oh. I thought you were saying you had hit a new low. It's a new low for, by investigating a box.

I wasn't going to disagree. No, no, no, no. No. Okay. You know, curiosity is very natural. And we should be more curious about our universe. It sure is. And that's right.

And, you know. So it was new low cat food. and then what happens? I see that. I think, oh, this isn't that interesting, but then I see. Well, it wasn't, it wasn't to be fair. But then I see, and we don't carry it at Fonz,

so I understand why they had to order out. Right, right. So then I see them approaching in their car, and I think, oh, no, I do understand how this looks. Okay. I'd best just get back in my car and then approach the hello more naturally. Uh-huh.

But I took the package. I panicked and I took the package. Oh, no. I just don't understand. how panic leads you to steal something. I don't get the panic. I'd opened it. I'd open the package.

Oh, well, that's not, that's illegal. Well, so in stealing it and bringing it into your car. So, see, this is what's hard. You know, I'm doing a thing. I'm being very vulnerable coming on here. That is true. That's true. And I'm taking your request for good vibes only very serious.

I do appreciate that. I'm not saying, no, I'm just, I'm taking an interest. Sure, but you could be interested in the inner workings of the human body, but you can't cut somebody open. Well, no, and I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. Right. Here's the thing. What's your name?

Emily. Emily. That's okay. Normally, I'd have a name tag. I can understand, that's true. I can understand you panicking, you're holding on to the package. You're like, well, if I put it down, it'll look like I was stealing it. If I just got to, I got to get out of here.

But the opening it, under no threat of discovery, that's, that looks bad. It was wrong. It was wrong. Okay. That's all I needed. Do you do you do it? So did you put it in your car? Mm-hmm.

But she hadn't seen you, right? Because she didn't see you until you were back in your car. That's right. So how did that work? You were able to just get back into your car quickly. Well, and I know this about Anahada because when Anahada comes through the checkout line. Yeah. always on her phone. It's not surprising to me that she doesn't feel like she

recognizes me. You learn things in a place like a grocery store about the people who shop there. Absolutely. Anyway, getting close to your home, looking at her phone. You shouldn't do it when you're driving. It's so dangerous. People have children who live in the neighborhood. You're not wrong. I'll agree with that. Can I say you shouldn't do it in the checkout either because I'm a pharmacist. And when people come up to the counter, and they're looking at their phones and they don't even look at me to talk to me sometimes. That's right. It's so dehumanizing. And then you know what happens. And that's what I say to them.

I say, you're dehumanizing me. Oh, and you yell it like that. Well, I raise my voice. And, you know, it's interesting because at Vons, this is the special thing about the Vons that we have is that, you know, like, at places like Disneyland, it'll have someone's name, but then the city they're from.

But at Vons, it's, you get an adjective for your personality. So I'm assuming, is yours Emily and then underneath is curious? You nailed it. And it feels good to be seen. Great question. It feels so good to be seen. I mean, like, there's a guy named Bob and underneath his, that's surly.

Yeah. And there's a guy named Biff, and underneath this is murderous. I mean, like, some of them are really descriptive in a scary way. Biff should not be working. But you get to pick your adjective. Oh, but you know Biff, Biff, rough edges. But nice when you get to know them. You know, you just got to dig.

You just got to take an interest. Why would you pick murderous as your adjective? Well, it's trying to push people away. That's right. And you also, you just assume nobody reads them. I can't. And he works in the pastry department. It does make, it does make one, it gives one pause when they're ordering.

Give us one pause. It's like, do you make them? That's what it gives. It's giving pause. Biff does make them and they're delicious though. Have you had one of the turnovers? He makes a hell of a sheet cake. Thank you.

I'm afraid, especially anything with almonds involved, I'm like, he's going to put cyanide in there. Well, it's more like the art. Sometimes the art gets a little violent. Like there's always like, if he uses red frosting, that's blood, you can tell. Yeah. He did make a birthday cake for one of the gang at the pharmacy.

And it was La Pietta. On a cake, on a sheet cake. Okay, a little bit kind of religious. Very graphic, too. Oh, I see. It was a delicious raspberry filling, but it was really, really. It was oozing out of the wounds of Christ. I see.

I see. It was bleeding. Do you know I actually dated Biff for a minute? Oh, no, because you were curious. I was curious. I wanted to get under his skin, see what was going on, what made him tick. Was he a generous lover? I love that you ask that.

Okay, we're not asking these questions enough. Generous. Thank you. Oh, strangers. But we're not strangers, you know. We live in the same place. I have to say that it is quite a quick response to when someone is suspecting you with something and you're caught and they say, you know, what's going on to say, I know you. Or whatever to say.

I said, hi, do you recognize me? I drew immediate attention to my face. This person would never forget what I look like. It wasn't, it was, I mean, it outs me. right away as being innocent of any malintent because I... Maybe, but can I ask this? Why didn't you give her the cat food back? Because it doesn't sound like you did.

How would you have liked it if I handed you your cat food? I would have said thank you. I don't... My cat bananas has been missing for years, but... You know, I saw bananas again? No way. Yes. Where?

I saw bananas at the bank. Really? He was behind the counter wandering around. Nobody was acknowledging him. Really? Yes. At the bank? Did you say anything?

That's not like him. I said, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, he hates money. He hates money. And he looked at me and looked away. Oh, wow. And that hurts. So, anyways, the point, the point is, is I would be so happy if I lost something and someone returned it to me.

So I, I don't, you're going to have to give me a little bit more of an explanation about why you didn't give it back to her. Also, you could have given it back later. You didn't have to give it back to a moment. Absolutely, you could have put it back on the doorstep. Sometimes we say this is what I'm saying. And it means, no, I agree with it. you. Oh, is it? That part. I just so badly

wanted her to like me. You know? Yeah, I don't think this is the way to go about it. Well, but I'm just saying that, I'm just saying people conceal things that they know will put someone off because they don't want to put them off. Are you talking about yourself? They conceal things. Can you lock me through that again? Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to. People conceal things. If you did something. So, in indiscretion, perhaps. Sure. Would you tell your partner right away or might you try and conceal it? I'm not saying it's the right thing to do. do, but I'm not saying it is a human instinct.

Absolutely. Yes, I understand what you're saying. And yes, you don't tell everyone, every sordid little detail about yourself upon first meeting. I wish we could. But in this case, what you're concealing is cat food. That is hers that you took. Yeah. So.

She's directly involved in your indiscretion. I'm not sure that that's a great example because, and I know you don't like the word steel. But it's, I feel neutral on the world steel. I don't like when it's a point to me. Well, I'm not surprised you do. And you, you know, I will give her this. She has an amazing ability to sort of twist something in to say,

and are we all like that? Or, you know, make it sort of sound like it's almost acceptable. But I don't want you to fall in that trap because I do think that this was theft. And I do think, Emily, I do think... Burnt. I'm here, too. I'm sorry to...

Babe. Sure, Doug. Doug. Awful quiet in there, by the way. That's my husband, Doug. He's in a different room. You can hear him. Hi, Doug.

You know, you strike me as an Amy's burrito kind of man. Is that true? Oh. Oh, is it? Is it? Take a listen to this. Sunny D. If my ears are right, I'm going to say Sunny D.

Doug, is it Sunny D? It absolutely could be. Oh, boy. It's a sound effect. It's a sound effect. What is it really? Is it not even liquid pouring into a glass? How did you make that sound?

Yeah, was it practical? How did you do that? Was it practical or are there effects on it? There are no effect. Are there effects on it? Hashtag no filter. That was actually water pouring straight down my golet. It was?

Yeah. Your golet makes that sound? It sounds like it's actually stopping at the bottom and not going all the way down. Your esophagus. I mean, your win, yeah, you're esophagus. Yeah, not my windpipe. Not your windpipe. I hope not.

I mean, it didn't sound like you were able to swallow any of it. It sounded like it was just honestly going into a glass. That is concerning. Do you still have the cat food? Yes, do you still have the cat food? You know what? I do still love the caput. And actually, I'm glad. No, there is no excuse for this.

Joan. I know. I'm sorry that I'm somehow personally offended you by saying something that I would say to my own children. But look, we're all adults here. There is no excuse for this, Emily. Okay, well, fine. I'm happy to work through this with the two of them. Okay, great. What do you think should be my next steps?

And will you do it with me? Now, why does that have to be a part of it? Because we're getting to know each other. We're getting to know, Joan, this doesn't have to be so negative. Well, you know. Emily, I feel like you want, I commend your curiosity and your desire to connect with neighbors, but you cannot do all of this solely on your terms. So just because it would be easier for you to have Joan accompany you as you return this purloin cat food.

I don't know that it'd be easier. Joan seems pretty against me. I don't know that it'd be easier, but it could be nice. I'm sorry that you're characterizing me being against you. I'm so sorry. You're so against me. You would just say part of it twice. I had the twins are watching so much family guy right now.

And it's just getting into my... Family guy. My first thought was Popeye. Do they say Giggety on Family Guy? No. I thought there was a character who spoke like that, no? There might be. Maybe they were watching Popeye.

I couldn't see it. I could only hear it. Family guys never stolen anything from previous cartoons. I didn't, I didn't see it. Maybe it would be stealing. Maybe it would be in my mind. And it just stuck in my head. I'm talking, of course, about my twin boys, Matt and...

Syaticus. I have real trouble with my sciaticus. This was when... Of course. Well, this is when Gladiary came out and Doug really wanted some sort of type of name. Did you each get one? You wanted Atticus from To Kill a Mockingberg. Oh.

And so this was a compromise. Matt was a no-brainer. We knew we wanted Matt. But then the other one, we wanted to blue sky. Yeah. Good compromise. no one is happy at the end. Including sciaticus.

Okay, so what I mean to say is, before I got all Popeye, is that I'm sorry that when I'm talking about you actually stealing something, you're characterizing me as being against you. Let's think of me as being for people having their property returned to them. Can I ask you something?

Of course. Have you ever taken? The look Emily gave you, Joan, was one of the most patronizing things I've ever seen. The thing is, is I thought that Joan was going to make it, let me characterize it as being for you writing a wrong or something. I thought it was going to be for me, but it was still

for the other person. But you don't believe that you've done a wrong. And so how do I do that? I could be persuaded. You can't? I said it was a mistake. Okay, but then why wouldn't you want to correct the mistake? Yes. I do. I'm trying to get you to understand that it's not as easy as you think. Oh, I really disagree with that. You know what you could do?

Come with me. No, Emily. Nope. You know what? You could truly have it shipped back to her. You could put it in a box, have the same person delivered right back to her. Right, Bert?

And that way it's anonymous and she has no idea that it was you. Unless she listens to this podcast. I mean, if you really, look, what is preventing you from just going to this person's house and putting the cat food on the front porch? Good question, Bert. Thank you, John.

I suppose then it'll be very final, won't it? Ah, so this is like the end of a chapter. This is the end of an encounter with another human being. Yes. Okay, well now I got to ask a couple other questions then. So do you live alone? Are you in a relationship? Not at the moment.

How tall are you? I'm 5 too. Okay. Small. We already know that description. I just needed a number on that. Now, what does that mean? Can you talk a little bit about when you were in a relationship? No.

I'm talking about the relationship. Oh, sorry. You said not anymore or not now. So you were? I was. Can you talk about that a little bit? Okay. Are we counting that as a, how long did you do that?

Well, yes, I am. A biff counts. That's fine. Biff counts. I was married. You were. Okay. I was married for seven years.

Isn't that the length, it's either seven or 30 years. The length. The context of the length. But yes, the seven year it's fine, sure. And what was this person's name? Carl. Carl. Okay.

Tell us a little bit about Carl, what did you do. Great husband name. Carl, great husband name. And I thought that too when I said yes. I thought his name's Carl. That sounds like someone's husband. That's right. Could be mine.

Emily and Carl. Carl and Emily. Doesn't it sound great? Oh, Carmelie. Oh, my gosh. And nobody ever said that. That's a fun mashup. Emilarle.

Oh, no. Amel arl. Emolarle, it doesn't work as well, but I still like the effort. Bam. You know, like emerald. Oh, sure. Emerald. I thought that was one of Doug sound effects.

Oh, you sound like. a nuclear blast. Bam! Is that this special thing? What has that had been in Oppenheimer? Bam? Bam! Just a placeholder they forgot about.

Yeah. This was, bam! We forgot to put that in. Hold on. Oh, okay. Hold on. Hold on, Emily. Sorry about this.

No, I love it. What is going on? What are you doing? Did you hear it? A little snapback or pop? I heard one carrot. Shoot. Oh, gosh.

Okay, back to the carrot. The carrot's broken in so many small pieces. Did you think that was going to translate into a nuclear. It was so small. It was a very gentle. Darn. Even Emily says it's small, babe. I'm working on the effects.

Yeah. Okay. So tell us about Carl. What did he do for living? Carl, well, Carl was a journalist and actually that that had been my interest as well. Oh, wow. Makes sense. Oh, because you're so interested.

Barbara Walter said you have to be curious. That's the one rule of the job. That's right. So then how did you? The one rule? The only rule of the job. There's almost everything else is a suggestion. This is the one rule.

I don't know. I seem to be very controversial, but you know, this is just what I think. Okay, that's fair. So you said, talk a little bit more about that. You said you would want to go to journalism. What happened? Well, I did. Actually, that's what I studied in school.

Okay. I graduated summa cum laude in journalism. Congratulations. Thank you so much. And then what happened? Oh, you know, I just, I felt isolated, I think. You have to go out, you have to seek out a story. But I'll tell you what, I ended up working at Vons as a little, you know, survival.

This is what I'm going to do until. I find where I'm going to plant myself. And then I found, what if I plant myself here? There's endless subject matter. Because now people are coming to you. People are coming to. Were you thinking ever, oh, I'm going to write about it someday? I don't know.

You would be the Studs Terkel of Vons? You know, I thought. Who? What's that? Studs Terkel. I don't know that. He was a writer who traveled all over America and interviewed all sorts of people, people from all walks of life.

What a dream. Sounds wonderful. So then how long you've been working at Vons? Twelve years. Wow. Yes. And so then what happened with Carl? Why did that relationship fall apart?

Well, I think, you know, we were just in different places. Carl's journalism was really taking off. Oh. Who did he write for? What post? I won't say which one. Just so he can have a little anonymity. We have two.

We have the Digney Post and the Falls Post. Can I ask a question? I'm going to ask a direct question. I love the questions. Carl Bernstein? I was just about to ask that, too. Were you married to Carl Bernstein for seven years? I can't confirm or deny.

This is the first thing she's been evasive about. Wow. Well, it's because it doesn't have to do with me. Myself, I'm an open book. Somebody else I do have to protect. That's kind of a big deal. I mean, I wasn't aware. I guess I never thought about who he was married to

or who he wasn't married to. I haven't really thought about it. But so I guess it's possible. Yeah. And his journalism really did take off. It really, I mean, but the timeline doesn't. The timeline is different. Because I know that he was already, it had already taken off.

She did, she didn't say it was when they were married. She just said that Carl's journalism really took off. I guess, sure. And you're sort of not bringing up what I would hope would be the most obvious question now, which would be quite an age difference. That's on us. Although I think it was applied. Sure, I was already thinking about it.

But yeah, quite an age difference. Joan, is that true? It is true. Why would you think I would like? No, I just wanted to hear it again. Okay. Wow. Got a little bit of.

She almost said Elizabeth McGovern on that. Oh, yes, Elizabeth. We like to talk like Elizabeth McGovern as her character and Dats and Abby sometimes. Emily knows it. That's good. I love down. Oh, Robby. His journalism took off, Robert.

Between you and Carl Bernstein. Berenstead. He's a Bernstein. Oh, the president's men. It was deep throat, Robert. Wonderful. I was talking to deep during the parking garage. Well, I can't have a word.

Woodward. It was Bernstein and Woodward. Burrsting and Woodward. Burrsting and Woodward. They can't confirm or deny that we talked I can't confirm or deny any of this. Okay. All right.

That's the classic. We won't press you. We won't. So this is what an interesting life you've had. So at this sort of like a fly-by-night marriage to Carl Bernstein. For seven years? For seven years? I mean, not everything Carl Bernstein does is fly-by-night.

Not that it was Carl Bernstein, but if it were. Okay. It was him. It was 100% him. Yeah, of course. Yeah, for sure. So I'm wondering how we get from, I'm married to Carl Bernstein. I skeel cat food.

How do we get there? I'm not going to back down, Emily. You stole cat food and I do think you need to be held accountable. I'm sorry. To be fair, Emily was leading us down the road. She was. Of how she led, how she ended up there. Okay.

So you're at Vons because you're thinking maybe I can eventually just, I can observe humanity. Yes. And so I'm assuming there were other instances of you getting, this wasn't the first day that you sat on someone's street littered with customers, hoping to meet someone. What was the first time you tried to do something like this? Well, what a great question.

Thank you. Congrats. That is a great question. I mean, your curiosity finally led you to somewhere kind. Oh, wow. That is a, oh, that's a rough sentence.

And Joan, I don't mean it. I don't mean it. But, you know, it's just I feel so judged. And I'm such a fan, really. I am sorry you feel judged. I really am. I also do think, though,

that... But you're because you stole something and you're being very evasive. Yeah, you don't. I don't want to be held to account for it. I did. But you also don't. You haven't picked the problem yet.

I mean, I understand bananas is a sore subject, and boy, does that track. I think that's so valid. I think you keep being a cat food is the problem here. That is something about the... It could have been anything. It's not that we hold cat food sacred. No, we don't. The first time I did it.

Okay, here we go. There was an older customer of mine named Blanche, and I just got the sense that Blanche was quite lonely. Uh-huh. Oh, she probably depended on the kind of strangers. Well, but, but... Oh, my gosh. That is so clever.

That is so, she struck me more as a golden girl's blanche. Exactly. But maybe a Blanche Dubois. Dorothy, of course she was. Maybe a Blanche Dubois. Maybe a Blanche Dubois. Although, to be honest, they were very similar. If Blanche Du Bois had just been able to live her life freely,

then she would have turned into a remote chain of hand. And you know what that? They were both Southern. True. What a generous. Gosh, Joan. You are truly an observer, observer of the human condition, don't you think? Now she's just calling me generous.

I'm all over the map. You're really scoring here. But I wasn't five minutes ago. Okay. She just acknowledged me. Okay. So you met Blanche and she was an older woman. Get lots of dinty more, you know.

Lots of dinty more. Which I love. No, you know. Who doesn't? No, I love a canned stew. But it just struck me. Best cans stew. Best cans stew.

Beef. But then it, it's, it's, it's, struck me that perhaps Blanche was lonely and... Okay. How come? What led you to that realization? I said the dinty more. Oh, I guess that says it all. Say no more. Say less. No one. Honestly, that was enough for me.

But she also would talk to me. That's the commercial right. Dinty Moore, say less. She would talk to me. And so few people talk to me now. Oh. And I thought because every once in a while, you know, if she'd buy a wine, okay. I would card her. You know, just a little... Oh, fun. Fun. Yeah. But I have just a nearly photographic memory

and I'd see that address and I just thought why don't I just pop by? What would push it over the edge to photographic? What do you say nearly? Are you like one number short? Are you like one number short? You know, it's a haze. What it is is a haze.

I can only see one detail clear. So like I could tell you, I could tell you Blanche's address but not her birthday or right. Oh, it's like a Dory finding emo that situation. Sherman Wallaby Way. Sherman Wallaby Way. in Australia, it's like that where she only gets little glances

of it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a hodor. How? It's almost a hodore. I'm not sure that's the same. Almost a hoar. It's almost a hodore. I think that's right. Hodor, famously had one thing and that's right. And that's, yes. And it was nude. It was a memory and he was new. Okay, so, so you kind of remembered enough in your memory to go to her house. To go to her house. Okay. To say, just say. Hi. Blanche. And what happened? It was lovely. Can I get a little more? She recognized you. Hang on. Can we get a little more than it was lovely? Because that's her recollection of it, but I need to know what the steps were. Oh, that's true. Okay. I am afraid that I'm a villain in your mind, John. No. Nope. Absolutely not. We want you to give us the details to clear yourself because Anahana has portrayed you as a villain. I know and it's causing me such stress. I think

about it every night as I'm falling asleep. You know when you're falling asleep and you're like feeling good. And then all of a sudden something pops in your mind just to make you feel nasty. Like the cat food sitting in your car. Like, Joan. Is it still in the car? I bet. Am I right? Yes. And you know it's a little wedged under the seat. It wasn't a place where it was when I'd break. It would sort of

shift, but now it's fully wedged. It is fully wedged. And now you don't have think about it. So think of this interview as your Cruella. You are now we are now humanizing you. Yes. I love what they're doing with these Disney... Isn't it great?

Oh, it's great. See, I do love it. No villain is truly a villain. Yes. And then it makes you the bad guy because you thought they were the villain in the first movie. Have fun going back and consuming the Sleeping Beauty.

You didn't even think about what they went through. Have fun watching 1001 Dalmatians. Yeah. And do you know why you didn't think about it? A lack of curiosity. That's correct. All right. Well, that's a fair enough point.

But can you tell us what happened in terms of why it was lovely and how you came to visit Blame? Yes. Okay. So I stop by, I know Blanche's address. I stop by. Blanche, so happy to see me. She says, oh, honey. She's just like knocked on the door. She opens the door. Yes. Okay. Okay. And she says, oh, honey. And I think, oh my gosh, you know, she just feels so familiar with me because I'm, oh, I always check her out. Okay. She prefers my aisle. Okay. No matter what's going on with the other aisles, no matter what she will seek you out. That's right. She will wait in a line to get to my aisle. Wow. That's high praise. Very nice. Would she pay with a check? With a check. Oh, adorable. Old people.

Yeah, yeah. They'd love to pay with checks. Love to. I'm sure it's allowed anymore. And you know what? That's right. It's not allowed anymore. And I'd still accept them.

And then I'd pay for her dinties. Oh, now this. Now this is interesting information. You'd spring for the dinties. Of course I would. Well, I get a discount. You know. Sure.

But that's very, very nice. You're really taking care of someone. Well, so keep going. She says, oh, hi, honey. Oh, hi, honey. Oh, hi, honey. Oh, hi, honey. Oh, hi, honey, you're finally back from college.

It's so nice to see you. Oh, no. And yes. And so I think what you're picking up is true. It's true. Blanche did think I was her daughter. Oh, dear. And, you know, who was my to?

From college. How old is she? Oh, no. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Blanche is where she is. Okay. She's where she is in her mind that day. Oh, dear.

And who was I to disabuse her? Well, you can't. Yeah, you can't. Mm-hmm. So then what did you do? I lived with her for a week. and so she was she saw you the same way for a week or were there days where she'd be like wait who are you

no and isn't that kind of astonishing it's concerning it's concerning to be sure it's medically concerning you think but I know I know that it is oh I don't think I know Joan do you have a medical degree oh wow this is so confrontational oh no I'm just so curious I'm just so curious do you do you have a medical degree are you sure that it was not a problem and it was well because I'll just back to vibes. To be fair, Emily was not claiming absolute medical certainty like you were, Joan.

Well, she said that it was okay. She gave it an adjective that was very opposite. But doctors don't say okay. You know what I mean? They don't say anything. You said I don't think I know. They don't see anything. You get them on the phone. Right? See? And this is just back to my point where soda is disconnected. We're so disconnected and nobody's looking out for one another.

Yes, but don't change the subject because yes, you can you can, you can, I was, you can you can Brene Braun this all you want. Okay, but is that her name? Brne Brown? Yeah, Brown. But she's very strong. But she's very strong. She's very strong.

I thought it was pronounced brawn. I think he's just straight up for now. Yeah, you're probably right. It is Bernay Brown. Yes. So don't trade it just. Bernay Braun is the breed of dog that that president of Ireland had. Is that true?

Yeah. How do you know something like that? I just know things. Okay. I'm curious about people. Sure. And it's so refreshing. Thank you.

But like I said, let's stick to us. You lived with her for a week. Then what happened? Then I did go to work one day. Okay. Okay. You were skipping work now. You were not going to work?

That seems like a strange choice. What? But we were, I was connecting. I was doing a bit of a, it was almost. Did people say, where are you? Come into work. You're missing your shifts. No, no, no, no.

We're always overstaffed at Bonds. Oh. Have you ever noticed that? There's always people asking you if you need help finding something. And I know it feels a bit like, get off my back. It was like six people a row. Yeah.

I remember, like sometimes you'll see like a couple guys in the corner shooting craps. Casino corner. Yeah. Casino corner you call. Oh, okay. And they're not on break. So actually, that is.

I mean, yeah, you can't interrupt them and say, hey, can I get so over? Oh, and they have to. Absolutely. There's one guy that just hides and you have to find me, get a lollipop if you're a kid, you find him. He's just hiding somewhere in the can. Even if you're an adult, I found him one time. And he gave you a lollipop.

He was in the ice cream freezer. Have you ever looked at his name tag? No. Oh, dear. It must have been blue. What's his name? Waldo. Oh, come on now.

What's his adjective? Weirs. Of course. Of course. He's very wares. Very wares. You'd never describe him with anything but wears. No, it's true.

It's the only thing that works before his name. That's right. So you weren't coming into work fine. Fair enough. There's enough people there. They were happy. But what? Okay.

Good to note. Not because they don't like me if that's what you're thinking, but because there was more work to go around. I realize you feel like you're on the defense right now. But why did you leave her home after that week? What happened? Well, because then I did go to work. And then I came back. What prompted you to go to work?

That's what I was trying to ask. I see. I'm sorry. I missed it. I love Vaughn's. And you know, Blanche and I had hit a bit of an impasse in the story. I wasn't getting any new information. What does that mean?

Well, obviously, I write these things down. I'm a journalist at heart. Okay. Okay. And so, sorry, if it sounded, if it sounded aggressive, I didn't mean it to. I'm just, I'm decisive. I'm just, you know, I, in an interview, you have to keep it. Fourth right.

Yes. Absolutely. And we did a bit of an impasse. I wasn't getting anything new. She really just wanted to keep unpacking this fight that she and her daughter had had. I know. What was the fight about? About mom choosing boyfriend over daughter.

Oh, no. I know. Really hard. Really hard. And that didn't seem like you wanted more to keep writing on. That seems like a great thing to write about it. But it was just an impasse of, of mom saying I regret it, daughter saying

I didn't feel seen, and there seemed to be no way forward. Well, because you decided, I guess, to take the role of the actual daughter and keep the fight going? Well, I just felt how would she feel? And I think she would have felt unseen and the regret

Blanche was giving me just, it didn't ring totally true. So it sounds like you were kind of I don't want to use the word using her, but wait, wait, wait, so Blanche was expressing regret but you weren't taking it. I guess that was a bit of a Joan in the situation. You know, Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Wow. You're really getting it with both barrels.

Wow. I really am. With both what? I'm both barrels. Yeah, sure. I feel like I'm scoring. I'm doing well. Oh, good for you. I'm glad for you. Good job. It never happens. Well, why don't you keep asking questions? She seems to like it better. Oh, oh, no. I hate for you to feel that way. Well, I guess I just feel like you dropped Blanche as soon as she was not like good writing material to you.

Well, no, I actually found that perhaps I was stressing her. Oh, okay. I understand. because she was trying to apologize and you weren't accepting. Well, I couldn't. Yeah. Yeah. So this is like a very different. So then after that, how many more incidents have there been with you following a customer to their home?

But how did you leave it with Blanche? When you decided to go back to work because you were in PASS, what did you say to her? Well, I said, I'm going to work. Right. Okay. And he just never returned. Well, no, I did. Well, no, I went back, but Blanche no longer saw me as her daughter.

Right. And she didn't recognize you at all. Was Emily from Bonds? She did. Okay. She did. And actually she said, Emily, you know, it's been a hard day. My daughter just left.

We were having a real disagreement. Oh, dear. And do you know what I did? What? I said Blanche. Judith, that's her daughter's name. Okay. Came into the store.

We call her Jude. Jude came into the store. And she told me to tell you, she forgives you. So there you go. And was she, did that put her a piece? Blanche was so happy she died that night. Oh. Because you know they say

Because you know they say Women How do you know that she died Because she was so happy And I hate to bring up the medical expert part again I didn't report yes Did you have a coroner's report that I didn't assert that

No I didn't assert that What I told you was simply that Blanche was so happy because I can see that Right we can perceive happiness And she also clutched her chest and said I'm so happy Okay so I knew that but then also subsequently

But she didn't die in front of you No, no, no, she died that night. Right. So instead of saying she was so happy, she was so happy, she was so happy, she was so happy. She was so happy. She was so happy. She was so happy. She was so happy. She was so happy. I think is the proper way to describe it because we don't know that it had anything to do with anything. But, but that is. Was cause of death happiness? I mean, was that what you were told? Do you know what I was going to say? Just so I never heard of that. Cause of death was. Happiness? I haven't. Oh, what happened? Oh, does it? Yeah. With old people. Can you give me as such as? With old people. Blancher's old? My great-grandfather died of happiness. Okay. What did that look like?

Well, this is what my father told me when I was little. This is how I was explaining death to me. Okay. I was five years old. Yes, that's a little early to have death explained to you. Burnt, every time I hear about your child, I get more and more concerned. I get a great child. And my father said, you know, my grandpa, your great-grandpa.

He died when he was 71 years old. and he bet on the preekness and his horse won and he was so happy he looked at me he looked at the TV and he turned from the TV and he looked at me and he looked at me and my dad saying this sure sure uh he said son so long

big smile dropped dead right in front of my father yeah good Lord yeah okay that's incredible that is really something so I've never been afraid of death since then yeah well that explains a lot actually does it what about him are you a thrill seeker yes he has been

he had a near-death experience and it led him to be very much a daredevil in a that that's over a daredevil i'm not not my honor yes okay so so can i can i just can i so want to re-ask this question how many incidents between blanche and on a on a hada how many other incidents have happened uh in between those two people of you visiting customers yes Can I count? I'm just saying, no, I was just saying, I understand the question. Oh, oh, yes, you're sure. No, no, no, no, because it's a lot.

So I just don't know that I have an exact number for you. It's just a question of how many times that's happened. So I'm saying the number of customers I visited is a lot. Well, I mean 10? No, I'd say north of 50. North of 50. South of 60? North of 50, south of 60.

And these are just the streets. No. No, I'd say north of 50 south of 100. Wow, okay. Let's say 75. Jace. And that's a moment. And that's a moment.

Okay. And that's a moment. And that's a moment. And we're always searching for those. And that's on God. Is a lot. And also there are a lot of streets in Numberville. We have this one area of town where it's called Numberville.

Everything is just numbered streets. They put up their own signs, though. They do. Yes. No, of course. They're very crudely made. Just taped that they write on. Yeah.

mean, they actually have like the regular streets we have, but they just tape them over. Yes, it's near Roosevelt. Yeah, exactly. Between Roosevelt and Lincoln. But they just thought it was hilarious and, you know, if anything, the Numberville people think they're hilarious. They think they're so funny. They are insufferable. And you don't find it. Oh, you find it insufferable. Oh, I, oh. Because that's the beginning and you like numberville. Oh, you do? Well, I just like that people like things. And I want to know why. And I want to know why people think things are insufferable. Okay, you are very curious. Very, very curious. All right. So now. 75 people. This is a lot of people. There's a lot of people. And have any of these, other cases involved

accidental theft. No. This is part of why I panicked so hard. Nothing like this has ever happened before. What normally happens, can you give a couple other? Are all, are more of them like, oh, I lived with them for a week? Or were more of them just like we had a nice conversation and I went my merry way? I never lived with anyone for a week again.

That was really a one-off. That was now a liar. Yes. You know, yes. Okay. But most of the other ones. She wants to argue anything. we say anything. I'm so sorry. I don't mean

to. Well, I don't even anything you say. Oh, no. And I hate I mean, that's the way it's playing out. I hate that that's what you think. Okay, let's see. Most of them are just conversations. So like, hi, hello, how are you doing? But the best ones, and they do often go here, are check-ins on something personal in their lives.

Like, your son just went off to college. How are you feeling now that you're an empty nester? Or some people don't like that phrase anymore. What do they use, open door, where you have an open door? Oh, I have one. Not, yeah, yeah, people have decided that. It sounds like somebody come live here. But no, I think it's that like your kid is in and out.

It's an open door right now. What's wrong with it? I like empty nest. I like open door. That sounds more like, I'm polyamorous now. My kid's gone. There's more room for sex in the house. Pineapple on the porch.

What was that? And what was that? What was that? That was terrifying. Oh, no, that. That sounds very real. Open door. Open door.

That's a good one, Doug. How'd you make that sound? a gentleman never tells did you just open a door yeah okay well it really wait a second Emily wait a second

I had a point and now I can't remember what it was and I hate it when that happened me too well I'm sure it'll come to you but I do have a question because we sort of we didn't acknowledge this you said you have snooped a bit okay what does that mean oh okay

it usually means like it usually means like a peep in an open window. You know if it's nighttime and a light is on. You know how you love to see inside a house. And then you love when the TV's on and you get to see what somebody's watching. Yes. There is something that's extremely fascinating about that.

Yes. Being able to see in other people's lines for a minute. Yes, and say, down Nabbies on. You know something about them. Sure. Yeah. Look at their watch. Look at there's a peeping tom outside.

Rubber. He's a purrude outside. Oh, no, you're talking about me. I laughed and you're talking about me because I didn't get it at first. No, I'm not. But you know what? I do remember what I was going to ask.

Oh, great. If you're saying a lot of these were just conversations of how are you doing, you know, because your son left for college. Right, but why can't you ask those questions at the checkout line? Why do you need to hunt them down, go to their house, and knock on their door and ask them?

This is such a fabulous question. And there's a- Finally, at the hour mark. And there's a real answer. People feel very on-guard and vans. You know, people record each other. now. It just you see videos of people being recorded out in public.

It's very true. For no reason. Some people are pre-recording just in case you do something. You think that they have to be, right? Otherwise, how are they catching this? Yes. So people are on guard, okay? They're really filtered. Okay. Okay. But at their home, they're at home. I would say that you feel more sort of accosted

at home. Like no one even likes to answer the door anymore if you hear the doorbell ring or the door knock. That's true. Could you imagine? Can you imagine the door? Absolutely not. What a terrible idea. But then you see it's me. Well, I mean, if I know what I know of you, I'm like, grab the cat food. Oh, no, Joan. I don't have a cat, Joan.

I have no use for the food. Then give it back. You know what? This is the whole point of this episode. If you want to absolve yourself and if you want to clear your name, you must make a plan to return this cat food. Okay. I am trying to make a plan and it's please come with me. I'm really pressuring Emily.

And I think. Bird, who side are you on? It's working on you see. I'm not on anyone's side. I'm braving the wilderness, and that's what Bernay wanted. What I'd like to know is. Yes. First of all, I do suggest you return the cat food.

You don't even have to have a conversation about it. Just put it on the porch. Yes, but I wouldn't be braving the wilderness if I did that. You'd be what? Braving the wilderness. I'm not, you know, it's a lot of talking points that I just, you know, it's like, oh, you want people stole your cat food, let them. You know, there's all these talking points and click bait memes about someone saying,

you know, what you should do, just a quick. fixed it, how to live your life, and it's just a phrase. People with cat food, hate when you do this, but just one weird trick. Return the cat food. It's as simple as that. You know it's the right thing to do. You have it wedged in your car because you don't even, you can't even look at it. I break hard.

Do you have a sticker on the back of your car? You better. You better. This car, this small car breaks hard. Please, okay, I hear you, and I'm amenable to what you're saying. Great. And all I'm saying is come with me. All three of you.

Why do we have to come with you? I don't steal it. Doug. I didn't steal it. No, I know you didn't. But why do you need us to come home? It's like when my boys stole a fire engine and they wanted me to come back and take it. I said, I didn't steal that fire engine.

A full size one or a toy? No, they stole a full size fire engine. Was it? How did they, how did they drive it? I mean, well, they did it. One worked the pedals and one worked the wheels. Yeah. They were seven when they did it.

Oh, my goodness, Joan. Doug, you must be proud. I mean, that's quite. I am actually. What an interesting truth. No one has ever been proud of Madden's Sayatikas. Well, I'm just saying what? They did put out their own fire.

Yeah, that's why they went to go get it. One of the only times they did it. One of the only times they did it. See, and nobody ever asks why. Why did you steal? We had a fire going. We needed something to put it out. No, but they were properly punished and they were jailed for one night.

They were jailed for one night, yeah. And there was a scared straight program with other seven-year-old. We have a kid jail. We have a kid jail. A kid jail, and I was dying to get an interview with one of those kids, but I couldn't. I don't suppose sciaticus would talk to me. I mean, he probably would talk to you about anything. They're not, they don't have much going on.

No, this is what's wonderful about children. But see, this is, no, this is what is the problem with the way that you constantly change the subject. That is what's wonderful about children. I didn't know. I was, I thought I was just traveling along in the conversation, taking it to its natural conclusion. You deflect a lot. And I just, I, we're running out of time. And what I want to do, I always want to send our guest out with maybe some sort of plan,

you know, especially in a case where we're trying to rectify or right or wrong. And so I just want to hear you say that, yes, I'm going to return the cat food. Yes, I'm going to return the cat food. Now, she didn't break on contact and she didn't blink and it scared me. Now, Joan, may I ask you a question? Oh, yes. Burnt, you can weigh in two. But it is about Joe.

Hang on a second. Babe, what was that? That was me swallowing. It sounded like Turning a computer on It sounded like a little notification A little electronic notification How did you make that swallowing noise

With your windpipe Full of water He just tried to actually recreate it with his voice Nope All right Good check in Doug So you are going to I'm going to decide to believe you

I'm going to decide to believe you And That's a little I feel like it's a little loaded I'm going to decide to believe you What other choice do I have? I want to be hopeful at the end of this. Something about what I've done is so triggering to you.

I'm not sure that's true. You do seem triggered, John. I'm not triggered. How dear you said triggered? Triggered much. See, you had to resort to a fake voice just to address it. You're being a snowflick, Joe. Oh, please.

This dynamic is truly something. Now, we don't just a trophy. I'm just curious. So you're married to Doug. I am. You two? You're not married to Doug also. I'm not also married to Doug now.

But what's the... We're friends. Friends. Friends who do a podcast. We had this weird moment where we met years before the podcast. We decided to record the theme song to the podcast. We didn't even really know what was going on. Then years later, like, maybe we should do that podcast.

Yeah. The song came first. The song definitely came first. Which came first. Wow. The song. But now you're asking us questions and this is not the time. No, no.

The time is this is the time to wish you well. This is the time to wish you well. I really, I do wish you the best, okay? I think there's, I think you might need some sort of counseling or help. But, uh... Oh, Joan, it's very rude. You, we just discussed how sometimes you'll say you are a terrible person to their face. And now I'm getting in trouble for saying they might need some counseling.

Oh, my gosh. Emily, Emily, yes. I think you can return this cat food by yourself. And I think you'll enjoy the new experience of doing. this. As a journalist, you know, think of Carl going into that parking garage. Oh, spit on the floor. Wow. Okay, Doug. This is not a great time. I'm, you're saying, think of Carl going to the parking garage. That's exactly what his

football sound like. Really? All right. Let him continue. Go ahead. No, not confirming. Not confirming. Please. This is a just shining moment. Okay. So here, here, please. You're walking up to the pool. You're tapping. Cancing up to the porch. Why not? You have the bag of cat food.

Back. Yeah. Was it a bag? Okay. Do you know what? It was, it is cans. It is cans and I hate to correct.

Oh, no. It's cans. Oh, yeah, you unzipped the box. That you put in a bag and you were unzipping the bag. Yes. And now you place the, the palette of cans on the front porch. One by one.

It's raining. Oh, I'm stacking them in a little pyramid and it's raining. Oh, it's nice that I'm taking them. the time. Okay. You have your finger ready to ring the doorbell. Yes. You're thinking about ringing the doorbell. Yes.

Your fingers hovering there. And then eventually you do get the courage to knock on the door. The doorbell is the, the ringtone is the sound of a knock of a door. Oh, that's funny. You can do that with these true doorbells. Yeah. You could set it to knock. And then you run away.

You open your car door Uh-huh It's a small car. It's a small car. You put the car and drive and you floor it. You make sure to blast some sting. Oh. Blast some sting.

Well, it's on shuffle, so who knows? Probably every breath you take. Shuffle. Chaotic. I love it. Every birth you take. Murder of crows. Okay.

So it's some solo. And then you're out of there. But not before you fix something in your car with your drill. Blowing a New Year's Eve party horn on your way out. Both of those. Both of those. That would be fun New Year's Eve. Have a power drill.

Gee-Zee-Zee-Zee-G-G-G-G-E. Do you know that's so therapeutic hearing it played out going? Good. I'm glad. That could be you. And it shall be. Fantastic. And so it shall be right there. Emily, and it'll be so fun.

I want to say, thank you so much for being on the show. You're one of the most charming guests we've ever had. I really enjoyed chatting with you. All right. Okay. It's been a good time. It's been an okay time. And I just want you to give back the cat food, okay?

Joe, can I see your ID? No, I may not say, you may not see my idea. I know what you're trying to do. Okay, I know that you're just carding me. This always happens to me when I buy my sarah. And I, and someone says, someone says, no, no, it's not. of brag, because let me finish, Burnt, okay? It doesn't have a good ending, where they say, oh, can I see your idea?

I'm like, oh, well, trust me, you don't need to see it. And the guy goes, no, no, my boss is watching and I have to card you. That's what happens, okay? Well, then you go over and thank the boss. That's what happened. Nice try, Burnt. I doubt it. All right, Emily.

All right. Well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. And please come back anytime. Yes, wait, wait, what? What? Birds. Never said this to a guest before,

but you're welcome to come up anytime. I don't know what's going on. All right. We'll be right back. Hi, this is Lucifer. Don't ask. Free college textbooks. Free.

Free college textbooks. Could probably sell them, but whatever. What a waste of time! And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. Well, she was just a breath of fresh air, Emily. Burnt? What? What is going on?

What? Because truly, that was one of the kind of guests we get that usually frustrate the hell out of you. Because you'll say something like, you know, I mean, you say you want to be helped, but you don't want to be helped at all. You know, and you'll say that. You'll say that. That's a little bit of a mocking impression. I'm sorry. I'm only trying to prove a point,

which is that was very anti-you, that was the opposite of how you normally react to a guest like that. Well, did, would you prefer that I react? I think you maybe found her just, I don't know, look cute. I mean, do you, what's that, a little cute.

Whoa, are you just repeating what I said for fun or? I'm not sure that in this context, it made sense, but unless you were agreeing with her that she was a little cute, but I don't want to get into that because that's weird. but but I mean do you really honestly think that she is actually charming and doesn't need any kind of like counseling

as to why she's showing up at strangers doors and stealing their things and won't return the cat food I mean help me out here Bert I'm gladly okay I'll gladly help you out because we're friends I thought so and I want to say that I feel like there was a bit of a wake-up call for me when you were describing my typical behavior on the show.

Your what behavior? My typical behavior. Oh, okay, okay, uh-huh. What do you think I said? Tickle behavior. I heard that too, and I didn't repeat it. I do not, I do not indulge in tickled behavior. I'm against me.

I heard tingle behavior. That's all right. Oh, okay. Well, you two are well suited to each other. I, so I reflected. You find tickling boring, right? It bores the hell out of it. It's so boring.

What are we doing? You can only cry by surprise and you find tickling boring. Yes. It's dull. I reflected on my behavior and I thought, you know what, maybe Joan has a point here. And then when I saw the way you were being so combative with her, I thought, wow, and now I get it.

Oh, dear. It was ugly to you. I saw in you the ugliness in myself. And it made me more generous, I think, to Emily. Well, you might have overcorrected a little bit. I don't think so. Mow. What I saw was the, what I saw was the,

All right, he gets to do it. I say, everyone gets a turn. I saw the, I saw the positive aspects of her personality, which I think her curiosity and her eagerness to understand, to get to know her fellow man, I, fellow human being, I thought was really wonderful and something that should be encouraged. Sure, I appreciate that. But other than covering the dinty more for Blanche, I'm not sure that anything other that that happened, I think she uses the word curiosity to

to actually cover and deflect from a very bad habit and a little bit of crime. You don't think it was wonderful that she lived with a demented woman for a week and pretended to be her daughter and kept an argument alive? Do you hear yourself? I didn't do it. I would never do such a thing. This is an overcorrection for sure.

And I look forward to you being back to your old self next episode. Tomato potato. I'm sure that's how it goes. You say tomato, I say potato. That's the song, right? Let's definitely call this whole thing off. Do you remember how excited I was to see Vons in Los Angeles when we went? Yes.

I know you were. I still cannot believe. You were upset that nobody had adjectives under their names. They didn't even name Nadex. I cannot believe we have Vons now. It is. The thing is I don't feel that strongly anymore. Well, it's not special now.

Yeah. Oh, I see. I see. Well, it's lost its luster. It's so funny that Vons opened the day. after we got back from that trip. Yeah. Yeah.

That is pretty crazy. After all that, and I bought all that merch. How did they... You bought all that Vons merch? What was so weird. How did they... They had so much.

It was weird. I could not believe how much Vons merch they had. Did a full cop outfit. It seemed illegal. Explain that a little bit. How was that Vons merch? Thank you, Bert.

I wasn't sure. I wasn't entirely sure. I'm going to say it wasn't. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm going to say you were in the Halloween aisle. Which Mons does have a great Halloween aisle. Year round. So year round Halloween aisle.

Okay, we have time for one more post. Yeah. And babe, just so you know you have time for like one or two more sounds. So make sure you can get in it if you need to. I'm working on one. Okay. All right. Do you think you could top the car door opening?

With a zipper? Yes, with the zipper. Some cars have zipper doors. Is that true? I mean, now, again, we're just saying things. We're in Dignity Falls here. That is true. Okay.

All right, what do you got for us, Doug? Oh, the sound? Yeah. All right, here we go. To prove my point, I found some effects to put on the carrot snap. Okay. To make it a nuclear explosion. Okay.

Here we go. Ready? Yeah. Wait. Oh, boy. Okay. Wait. So that's the first layer.

Okay. now you're just snapping in a cave you got deeper in the cave. I mean, that's heard it twice now. Oh, boy. Third time to try. Uh. No, that's not, Doug.

I feel so, uh, insulted. You really built this up, Doug. And then at the end, what you did was you had a carrot snapping with an echo on it. And you went, why don't you? Why don't you? You know, I believe it went. Why don't you read a post, burn, and let's see if Doug can make this right.

I will. This is in the crime and safety section. This was sent by listener. Issue, shit. Oh, shit. This was sent by listener, Sean Sansom. Thank you, Sean. This is the crime and safety section.

Someone named Ken writes, and this is all caps in bold. Drug, prostitution, public defecation, trespassing, and illegal trash and waste dumping nuisance activity. and dignity falls dash addressing crime safety in the neighborhood is it all caps it's all caps all bold and then ken goes on to say in all caps but not bolded okay drug prostitution public defecation trespassing and illegal trash and waste dumping nuisance activities and dignity falls

whoa whoa wow wow so same thing but not in bold anymore yeah and then he says in regular sentence case i've reported this information to the police so it's just a list of crimes With no specification as to where he saw that happen. Who were the purported criminals? This is, he's just seen all of these things. And he's letting you know, I have reported this. He could have seen them on TV. Yes.

And not realized that it wasn't happening in this neighborhood. You're watching a law and order. Watching law and order? This is not. Tell the corn, why you defecated in public. That's a little Sam Waterston. This is a. Dun-ton.

Good job, babe. Dun-d-d-d-d-d-law-in-order. That's a little song. You know, sometimes I just really worry about our residents. Sometimes I do think that people are not, they're just really off their rocker here in Digny Falls. I mean, it's an interesting town. And listen, I'm not saying that I haven't seen

every single one of those things happen in Digny Falls, too. We all have seen public defecation. We've all seen a prostitute publicly defecation. Yes. Huh? Of course we've seen that. We've seen trespassing, we've seen illegal trash dumping accompanied by trespassing. Well, let me see it.

What else is on there? Well, there's drug, prostitution. Well, there's drug. This is like that music man's stuff. Well, there's drug, prostitution, public defecation, trespassing and the illegal trashed weight stumping. Nuisance activities. I've seen so many nuisance activities. Oh, so many.

Oh, that stands for penis. Doug. I think you took that too far. I agree. Doug, I saw one on there. We got so far away from the original source material. Do you think I could talk, sing? Do you think I could talk sing?

Yes, this is a revelation. It's not really singing. No, it's not. But it's just sort of rhythmic talking. Maybe you could rap or you could do, I don't sell yourself short, but yes, maybe you could do Harold Hill. I think we've talked about this before. I think we have.

But no problem revisiting it. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with a revisited. You know, you could also take any song and you can kind of, you can kind of do it with an up-tempo and you could talk it. You can talk any song. You want to do walk on the wild side with us? With us. With us?

With us. With us. Yeah. I'd be honored. Oh, that's such a good invitation. I'd be honored. That's barely singing. What would that sound like?

It's just like, hey, man, take a walk on the wild side. But she never lost her head even when she was giving head. Oh. Jeez. That's in the song. And I can't say P for penis. He's got a point, bird. He's got a point.

Well, I mean, that came out of absolutely nowhere. And I was quoting a line from the song. Public new nitty. Nuisance. No, there was no nudity in there. I heard myself say that. Yeah, you did. Oh, dear.

Do you have anything that's closer to a blast than what you played for us? anything. Oh, no. We're going back there. I wanted him to try to... Oh. I mean, it's better, but... What would that be?

What would that sound indicate? Doug? Can you hear us? Babe, can you hear us? Did you... Now, that sounds like just when you push a button on a measuring tape and it gets sucked back in. Here's what it sounds like to me. Really big hula hoop.

Can I hear it again, Doug? And you're not good at Hulu-ooping. Yeah. Because it just fell down. You're getting it around one. That's right. Let me get it back on here. Yeah.

Get back on there. Sadly. That's it, kids. I can't do it anymore. Yeah. Sorry, kids. I know. How do you all gathers around?

First, I measured the room with my measuring tape to make sure I could Huluap in here. Second of all, I got the Huluap on. Couldn't do it. I hope you have a happy birthday anyway. Could never do those things. I'm not good at Hulu Hoop either. Worst birthday party ever. Oh, yeah, me neither.

It's so annoying. That was a craze when those came out. Julyope thought she'd be professional. She told us she was going pro. She wanted, well, because she had heard a rumor that they were going to enter it into the Olympics. And she wanted to be the golden, the golden medal in Huluoping. The golden medal. I'm talking about the local Digny Falls Olympics.

I'm talking about the local Digny Falls Olympics. I were thinking about golden medals. Golden medals. That's pretty good. Yeah. Actually, that was. You got to, I'm sorry. What part was that?

From Golden Years by David Bowie. Oh. All right, well, I guess that's the best. You achieved a nuclear hula hoop. Yep. And...

No one can say you didn't. No one can say you didn't. I did it. Good for you. Such pride. Well, that does it for this episode of The Neighborhood. Listen, if you would like to hear ad-free versions of the episodes or get access to our bonus content,

go to CBBWorld.com and sign up on the Maximus tier. And then you'll get that stuff. I was at DignityFalls.com, which doesn't exist. It doesn't. It's embarrassing. We couldn't get our own. Somebody's squatting on that website.

It is. It's true. It's true. And the town fathers will not pay for it. All right. Well, thank you for listening. We'll be back next week from the other episode.

Until then, goodbye. And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The neighborhood listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett. This episode's guest was played by Victoria Longwell.

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Your support keeps the show going.