The Neighborhood Listen - Another Chance At Happiness with Jake Ellenbogen

Episode Date: October 20, 2026

Burnt finds himself in an escalating legal situation, Joan shares lessons from her greatest hero in real estate, and Doug spends time with his daughter. Later, they welcome Eric (Jake Ellenbogen), a neighbor with a big plan to rekindle an old romance.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock this episode and ALL seasons of The Neighborhood Listen ad-free, as well as full length exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app and us. Burn. And Jod. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell.

We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the neighborhood listen. Welcome to the neighborhood listen. The podcast that explores the neighborhood of dignity falls through the eyes of its many residents, two of whom are your hosts. I'm one of them.

My name is Bert Mia Padey. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the Dignany Falls. Dignany Falls, Missy Pharmacy. And with me as always is, Joe Pedestrian. I'm the top local, nope. I'm the top realtor.

I am the top local actress. Right? I don't need to say top local realtor. I'm just straight at the top realtor, baby. Of all time? Of all time? Well, Dignity Falls. Let's not get crazy. Let's not get crazy.

Are you the groat? I'm not. No, I don't think I could be the groat. Everybody knows that the groat. Who is the greatest real estate agent of all time? Beverly Fagamizer. And where's she from? She's from a small town in Minnesota called Bears Craw.

And she is a beast when it comes to. She is an absolute beast when it comes to realtor. She will get you into any home. Oh, yes, absolutely. She does it from home now. She's 93. Sure. Does it from home?

She does virtual open houses. Oh, how does that work? Well, they carry sort of like a screen and they walk through the house and she says, now just turn the camera. Okay, that, that's going to be a great Jack and Jill bathroom for you. You can tell her that wall down. It's not a supporting wall. You're fine.

It's going to be great. She just, she's still doing it, you know. She just can't make it to all the open houses. She does it all over the world sometimes. And still has the same hit rate. Yes. on FaceTime as she does in real life. Yes.

That's incredible. Beverly Thagamizer. Beverly Thagamizer. Shout out to my girl. Have you ever made? I had a poster of her on my wall that was growing up. That's so exciting. And had her stats on the bottom.

Sure. And did you ever meet her? I got to meet her one time because I was reading, I was reading her book, Open Me. And I wanted her signature. How did that book sell? in certain circles really well. Sure. Really, really well.

The audiobook was better. Right. Yeah. And I highly recommend it. Great listen. Is this how like Dianetics is always on the bestseller list? I don't want to talk about Dianetics. I really don't.

I really don't. Can we not? Can we not today? Okay. Thank you, Byrne. Thank you. If that's what you want. I would really, I'd appreciate it, honestly.

So for the rest of the day? No talking about Dianetics? Just none whatsoever. But I will talk about Bernet. I'm really thagamizer till I'm blue in the face. Sure. But when I got up there, you know, she was about to take her lunch break, so I didn't want to take up much of her time.

So it was really just kind of like, Bada Thagamizer, I love you. I have a post room, I'm at room, I'm a room, I love you. You know, it was like I sound like an auctioneer and I think she was confused. John Machita Jr. Who now? John Machita Jr. Can you inform me who that person is? Yes.

He is also known as the motor mouth. Oh. He was the fellow. Oh, is he the guy you did the micro machines. Okay. What's his name? John Machita Jr. Okay.

I can picture him. Just couldn't picture his name. Is he, is he doing it from home? I looked him up recently. He's not, I think he still, he can do it from home. He can. He's got to be on cameo, right? Has to be.

For his feet. Yes. Can you please wish my friend, a happy birthday with a coded white supremacist message as fast as possible? Is he white supremacist? No, he's not. Okay, good. I hope he wouldn't do that.

It's always by worrying with cameo is that they try to get people to say things that are unsavory, that they won't know that they're saying. I see, I see. I also think it's weird. people are allowed to, like, share the cameos they get. I don't like that either. Because I've thought about going on cameo before. Because, you know, you know me, I can custom any, I can tailor make any song with different

lyrics for someone's birthday. Right. Remember I used to have a business. Yes. I remember that kiosk. Yes. I had to give that up. But you know what?

I would start that again. But I thought, no, why don't you get paid more for it and do it on camera? Absolutely. So let me know if anyone would be interested in that. Now, burnt, we promised that you were going to talk about yourself this time. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You didn't finish your Begamyzer story. Oh, no, it wasn't that.

It was just that I said something really faster. I'll just came out at the same time. Yes. And she said, bless your heart, which is never good, really. Sometimes that means sort of like it. I thought it was only when Southern people say it. Okay. I think it's just when any old person says it.

I think when you get to a certain age and you're saying it, you actually mean it. Do you think? You know what? I'm going to take that. I'm going to accept that today. No, I'm going to take it. gently. But she did sign my

book and I think she Personalized message? Yeah, it said, Joan, slow down. And then it said barely hackamized it. But you know what?

It's one of the, it's one of my most prized possessions. That's wonderful. I've read it like 50 times. Wow. Because you always find something new. There's always a new.

It's like for some people reading the Bible. I don't know. But they always say they find something new, you know. Well, you'd have to. If you're reading the Bible over and over again,

there's no way you're going to retain everything first shot. You got to go through it a couple times, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like saying, you know, every time I read the dictionary, I find something new. Exactly, exactly. That's what it's like for me.

Exactly. So what's the part that resonates with you the most? Probably the Ten Commandments of Realty. Oh, and I can't wait to hear them. Number 10. an open house is not open season okay what does that mean okay well it's it's up to that one's up to interpretation but it means it's a commandment well and other people haven't interpreted things the way that they wanted to from that book boy that's so true so it just means don't see the

clients as as as you're not a hunter trying to make a kill You know what I mean? These people are coming in. They are human beings. You're not thinking about the sale. You're thinking about what they need. And if they don't need this house and if they're not right for it,

don't try to shove them in there. I'm so sorry. I got so excited. Well, she tells a funny story about how she did try to sell a house to Michael Asselhoff. Michael Haselhoff. David Haselhoff's brother?

Yes. The day writer? Although it wasn't, it wasn't N-I-G-H-T. It was, it was a play on. She did. And he, you know, she talks about it because it was, she was very excited because she loved Knight Rider. She was a huge, huge fan. She was very excited. She was very, very excited. She's of the age that Knight Rider would have been it, baby. Like when she was, when it was out.

Are you sure? Absolutely. Yes. Yes. So. You hate that what she was. We're going to write. We're never going to make it through all nine if we stop going on these I just feel like she would have been maybe in her 50s. I don't know if that was the prime demo. Then you don't know David Hasselhoff's fan base. You do not know them. It's German musical theater nerds and 50-year-old women.

That's what it was. So she was really excited and she let herself forget her own rule. And she thought, no matter what, I have to sell this to Michael Hasloff so I can tell everybody that I sold Knight Rider's brother house. And it became, he got very, very defensive. He got very upset. he said please don't ever watch Night Rider again.

He banned her from watching it. Whoa. Terrible. That is severe. It really was. It was unprecedented. A personal Hasselhoff ban on watching Night Rider. And all

and all further, you know, viewing. She has to honor it. Yes. She has to honor it. Yes. So that's kind of where that she has a little sort of anecdote

that she says underneath that just to sort of explain it. But the whole point is you're not supposed to try to make the kill. You're supposed to make the sale. But actually you just supposed to make the person's dream come true. And it might not be the right house.

Right. You know? Right. And so... That's number 10. I know, but we're not going to get to you. I shouldn't have brought this up right now. We might have to break them up and do... Maybe we'll do five right now and five after.

Okay. I'm just saying I don't want to take the time away. We haven't even introduced Doug yet. Oh, Doug! You're right. Oh, right. Me. Oh, right.

You, babe. Our engineer, Doug Corn Pedestrian, Jones' husband. He's recording us. from another room, which for some reason he insists upon doing. And Doug, where are you today? Yeah. I'm in the classroom. The classroom.

That's actually kind of fun. I want to hear more about that. What's the idea behind this, babe? Yes, considering you have grown children. What great would you say this is? Oh, this is advanced studies. Oh, AP? Yeah.

July of P wanted to learn bowling alley management. Really? Which is a degree. Is it? Yeah. Bowling alley management. I did not know that. It is.

Yeah. So, okay. But I've had to bone up. Yeah. I've had to bone up. I'm trying to teach her. She's getting her bam. Well, I'm happy to hear that.

Does that count as women in STEM? You know what? I'm not sure. I mean, there is some physics to bowling. Yeah, but not to management. Yeah. Technology. Engineering.

Engineering. Math. Math. Math. Mm-hmm. Math. What? Are you saying it because why the math?

Just that, it's that simple math? Well, what's wrong? Not even mathematics, but math. Oh, maybe it's mathematics. I don't know. I just shortened it. Because we're already running behind. It could be maths.

Like the British said. Oh, right. And they say, we're maths and they say, what are you reading for your subject? Isn't that bizarre? What are you reading? Yeah. Instead of saying, what are you studying? They say, what are you reading?

When you going at, at uni, at uni, what are you reading? I've never heard that before. And you say, oh, I'm reading geography, which sounds weird. It does sound weird. So you can understand where I'm coming from, right? I can't. Okay. Okay, babe.

So the classroom is for, so wait, are you going to be teaching this course? Are you like starting your university? Yeah, because it's like homeschooling. So your home, does that, how's that going to work though? She doesn't want to actually go. How does she get the official accreditation? Home schooling for a degree. I was going to say, I don't think that's a thing.

You can get accredited online. Okay. But then why isn't she taking the classes online? Kind of like being a minister. Is it actually It is a calling a bowling alley minister I think What?

So if you get the degree That's what you're called Yeah No if I can teach it If you become a minister A bowling alley minister Yeah Yeah yeah

Okay That makes sense That you'd love to have something like that But we're We're going through different Uh Shoes Okay

Okay Is that a whole day Is that a whole Oh that's a lot It's a big subject. You're kidding. Yeah. I thought there was just one kind of spray.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, how many types of smells? Can you count? Five. Got you there. Edwards. Good, bad.

You can get apple. Humami. Cran apple. Cran apple. No one wants that. Well, but it exists. She has to make that decision. These are flavors that you could spray the shoes with to make them smell good.

Cran apple. I would have been surprised enough at either cran or apple, much less a combination of the chain. Actually, there isn't crin or apple. Oh, that's interesting. That's fascinating. All right. Well, so is it a small classroom?

Does it have one desk and one chair? Small classroom, yeah. Well, I mean, if anyone else wants to join the class. Sometimes I feel like when I give him the answer and the questions, then he just takes that. And I should, I feel like I'm helping him along. There might be a different answer. Yeah. That he would have given.

He's like, oh, that's what she wants to hear. So that I'm going to say yes. That's exactly what it is. Teaching just Julyope for now. Right. And is she a good student? But enrollment is open. I'm still confused, babe.

As to if she can get it online, why isn't she taking the classes online? Great question, Joan. Thank you. You can't get it online. You can get the teaching degree online. Okay. But that seems absurd. It seems absurd.

It totally is. That the teaching, the teaching degree is really a click. It's just a click. But to learn bowling alley management itself. Like how did you just say, I solemnly swear I did all the reading. I did all the studying. Now I'm going to get it. Like you have to, you have to, there's got to be some way of proof that you can say,

oh, this man taught me all of these things. Like are you videotaping the classes? Is she sending in paperwork or homework every day? There's homework. Okay. Yeah. Is she, half of the question was answered. Is she sending it into someone?

Sending it to me. But then how does the online? service know that she completed all of the courses. She submits to me and then I submit it to... What is to stop her from creating her own... I think she'll... She'll... She's wily that way. She'll do that. She'll steal this thing right from under your feet.

Teaching is different than learning. True. And I think the best learning happens in person in a classroom. Well, now I agree with that. I do. Sure. So... I didn't know this was a debate. Oh, Doug.

Oh, I don't like it when Doug goes up at the end. I don't. No, that was. It gave me a bad feeling. He gave me a bad feeling. Doug, it's not a debate. We're just agreeing with you. It's actually when I go up at the end, there's nothing.

It's all on me. Yeah. You know, because I'm afraid of a debate about it. Oh, I see. Well, that's big of you to admit, Doug. Thanks. Yeah, it is. but I'm still glad that you're doing something in the way.

Like, I'm really proud right now that my children seem pretty focused. If she's with you in the classroom and my boys are playing chess, even if they take nine hours to do it and watch a movie in between. I am still glad that they're safe and alive. Of course, I'm talking about my twin boys, Matt, and. Calell. And Calell. Yes.

Actually, Doug named Calel. Did you really Doug? That's surprising. Oh, absolutely. Well, is it really? No. By the way, bowling alley management can be pretty unsafe. Oh, we're back to that.

Well, you mentioned, you know, safety. You're glad that they're being safe. Right. Oh, oh. Oh, yeah, that's good. I'm sorry. Is learning bowling alley management? Yeah.

It is. Why? You're the teacher. Well, to study the pins, you know, coming down. To study the pins coming down. To study the pins coming down. It requires getting under a lot of. It's funny. I didn't know that's what the term was.

I mean, it seems long. It seems like saying the whole thing. I mean, I could say the dissent, but then you might think it's something else. Oh, that's true. That's a short form of saying. Like that movie. That's true. That's a movie. Yeah.

Keep meaning to see, but I haven't seen. I haven't seen. Everyone keeps saying it's so good, but it's so scary. That's what I've heard. But you know, I don't like scary movies, babe. I just can't do it. Okay, so tell us more about the pin reset or as you call it when the pins come down. When the pins come down.

Oh. He's got a song for it. Is this how you're teaching? Do you make songs and make sense that you would teach her musically? Is that the danger? Your words? Yes. No, you get under there and you have to study like the, I mean, whether you want a combustion

engine or a rotary. Combustion engine. What? Well, the mechanism to lower the pins down. It would surely just be electronic. Well, but I think you know the name of it if you're going to teach it. That's a modern way of doing it. Are you telling me that, Doug, when,

when the game of bowling was new, that they had a combust, excuse me, sport. Oh, sorry, sport.

Sports. Who do you think you are? I am. We watched that video on, I would imagine you have to. On Friday. Sometimes. Sometimes.

How much of your classes are just watching videos about bowling and, and gifts? Oh, gifts. How much of your classes? There's a lot of gifts. See, I should have known.

I should have known. I found the whole 1917 Cleopatra on GIF. People thought it was lost cinema forever. I'm sorry. And I have a gif of the entire thing. This is a silent film, I presume? Yes. And you have a...

I didn't know that there was a 1917 Cleopatra? I didn't either. I don't know the Elizabeth Taylor one. That's how lost it almost was. That's correct. And... There's several lost films to history. Where did you find this?

I know things. Several lost films to history. It's true. There's a Lon Cheney film that's lost forever. Which one? Something at midnight. Great. Do you think that was the basis for the Ethan Hogg, Julie Delby movies?

I don't know. Well, that's a fair answer. It takes a big man to... Joan, number nine. I know. Number nine. Dress sharp, sell sharp. That's a good one. Number eight.

would be, thou shalt not steal another person's listing. That's surprisingly low. To do that? Or you mean, oh, it's low in the commandments. In the order of the commandments. Although murder is pretty. Isn't this funny? I never thought about this.

It's a list. I never thought about its level of importance, though. To me, they're equally important. I agree, and I think that's the idea we're supposed to get from the original Ten Commandments, but it does the order of the Ten Commandments, does seem to follow some sort of logic of the importance that they are deemed by God. Number one, me. Right?

Yes, I see what you're saying. Number two, always go to praise me every week. Beverly's not like, oh, you know your commandments. Beverly is not like that, though, okay? So she just didn't want us to assign a certain importance to anything. Okay, so I'm on eight. Murder is one of the commandments, though. The realty commandments, right?

I'm sorry, babe. You mean actually committing murder is? Why would you say it that way? I mean, that shall not. That shall not. That shall out. Yeah, you buried the headline. You're not supposed to do it.

No, but Beverly scares the bejesus out of me. Oh, really? She does? I didn't know that. Well, she's like Medusa. Oh. If you look at her, you buy a house. It's like she can convince you.

That is how the old tale went. That's right. You bought a stone house. Did anyone ever go in there with a mirror? so they could see the house She is so persuasive the way she stares in your eyes. That is so weird

because eight is cover all mirrors. Why? She had a lot of reasons. She didn't want people to think, oh, I don't look good in this house when I look at myself, so I don't want to buy it. She also...

Wouldn't it confuse maybe potential Jewish customers who were coming in? From what I heard, they appreciated it because it showed that she had knowledge of their culture, but also she had terrible body dysmorphia.

That was mainly. why. Oh, no. It was awful. Beverly. But she doesn't anymore. She's doing great now. No. She really likes being online. She just her head up. She doesn't have to worry about it. All right. I'm on 10 commandments.com. Oh, great. Thou shalt not kill is number six. Number one, I'm God.

No other gods. Number two, don't make any graven images. Number three, don't take my name in vain. Number four, go to go to church every week. Number Five, honor your father and mother. Now that was Beverly's number two. Just, you know, we're going to get that out.

That was also in the realtor, 10 commandments. Go to church? No, love your father, mother. Oh, that's nice. She loved, mom and popathamizer were legendary. Amazing. Seven, adultery, eight, steal, nine. You'll see.

It's interesting how it, how it lines up, right? Now we know we're reading the actual Ten Commandments. Yes. So there's a context. Doug. I think you could have given me. little bit of... Doug, we can't do this today.

Okay. We can't do this and we can't talk about dienetics. Okay, those are the two rules. So... Number 10 is you can't covet anything. Yes. House, wife.

Any of it. Yeah. So in some way, she's trying to stick with it a little bit. Like she doesn't sit... You can't still someone else's listening, right? Was that seven? I don't remember.

Well, I'm trying to get... I'm trying to get through this. Okay, let's see. Let me... How can you not covet oxen? You can't control that feeling? I mean, I've never seen an oxen person. But I will, I can say that I've, I've never seen a picture of an oxen said, oh, I want that so bad.

Well, when you see one in real life, you want. They're majestic. They have very long broad horns. But I've never had the, I don't have, I don't share the emotion that Doug has. All right. I'm trying to get through these. I don't know if I was on seven or six. We're really running out of time.

Because I said, okay, seven, don't. don't buy your sell treat until the ink is dry. Your sell treat? Yeah, she believes in buying yourself a little treat for selling. Like Brock Lovett always rewards himself with a cigar. Is that right? When he finds a big treasure. Brock Lovett.

Why do I want to say that's an MMA fighter? It does sound like an M.M. I only know an M.A. There is a Brock. Lesner. Right? Lesner. That was not far off.

That was not far off. John! Those who are in glass houses should not try to sell them. Never sell. They never sell. And everyone keeps trying. Her least favorite movie, she would talk about the lakehouse all the time. That movie.

Oh, really? I've never seen it. I've never seen either. But, yeah, it drove her crazy because she would say, where's the kitchen in that house? There is no place for a kitchen. And the bullshit attic that's supposed to be up top, there's no place for that either.

She saw through all of that. Wow. She was kind of like, you know, a medic watching the pit and being like, that's not real. You know, anytime there's a realtor story in like a rom-com, she's like, oh, way to miss out pointing out the built-ins. But you've never been tempted to watch that movie? No, never. No, because it just looks, it looks sad to me. I get worried.

If I see something taking place in the fall or on a beach with grass, it's going to be sad. Yes, a beach with grass. Beach with grass is where the sick people go. Absolutely. It worries. me. Yeah, a scarf. And that's because of beaches. Yeah. So, um, oh, wait, what am I on my, five? I've got five more. Is that right? I think so. And we'll save those for the end. Oh, we will. Okay, this is good idea. Because you haven't said anything about yourself and you told me. But we do

have to take a break. All right. Okay. And I said, I know I said last week I was being blackmailed. Yes, you did. We haven't even talked about that yet. It's now, it's now escalated into a being free for murder. Yeah. We'll get to it again. Why do you? So that's two things at the end. The commandments, the Marine Five Commandments. And you're being framed for murder. All right, we have to take a break when we return. The neighbor listen will too. Hi, Paul.

Nicole, hello. Thank you for joining me here. Okay. Thank you for not being weirded out because I didn't tell you I was going to be here. No, it's okay. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you for joining me, and I'm not weirded out, even though you didn't tell me you were going to be here. I'm so glad. Hey, because here's the thing. I wanted to just talk to you about these pieces that are in your closet that you find yourself always reaching to over and over again.

You're such a well-dressed person. You know what I'm talking about, the sweater that somehow always works with everything. You have a tie that works with everything? Yeah, of course I do. Of course you do. Not surprised, this guy. You know, I think that I have some of those two.

I just feel like I'm always aspiring to add more. Oh, like you have those. And you have that bag you carry everywhere. I do have a pair of jeans just like that. And that is exactly what Quince has for you as well. Careful. You say. Because Quince makes elevated everyday essentials

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I love on a cold winter night putting on all my jewelry. Yes. It's sitting by the fire. Oh, it's my favorite. Now listen, let me give you some personal experience. Okay. I have a zip-up cashmere cardigan. Oh, jealous. That was given to me by my sister-in-law. Oh. Score. It's so comfortable.

It's so cozy. And I love it. Is it from Quince? As the weather... Yes, of course, it's from Quince. I'm just making sure. Oh, my gosh. Quince, I would never do that to you.

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way to support the show. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Hey, y'all, this is Robert. I got a bronze sculpture frontier. $400. Bronze sculpture frontier.

That means the theme or the genre. It's a bronze sculpture singed by Liu Bin. That's the artist. It's singed by him. Yep, I stand behind that spelling. I'm going to post this. I'm going to go ahead and post this without reviewing it. It's sitting on a marble base.

30 inches high and nine inches wide and it's in perfect condition. So if you have $400 just a throw around in this economy, come and pick up this frontier singed sculpture that looks kind of like a skinny James Spader. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, welcome back. Trying to make it fun. It's been very fun. Good. Yeah, good job.

We're back and... I can only think about the two things you just told me. Okay, keep going. I just so distracted about the... Blackmail and being framed for murder. Well, it's not blackmail anymore. Well, but I still want to know how it started. But you have to walk us back to the beginning.

It got upgraded. Is that a thing? I don't know. Okay. Well, seems like that. Okay. Let's get to our guest. If you're a blackmailer, I think it seems like an upgrade. I suppose that would be the escalation.

Okay. All right. We have a guest, Joan. As we always do, what we do folks is we scour the neighbor app, the networking application for neighborhoods to look for interesting people to talk to amplify a message, write or wrong. correct the record, you know, all sorts of people come on for all sorts of reasons. And so we have a post here.

And if you would like to send us a post that perhaps you think we missed, you can do so by screenshoting it and sending it to us at burnt and Joan at gmail.com. And this one was submitted by John Thomas Mason, our listener, John Thomas Mason. Thank you, neighbor. He submitted this. This is in the general section of the neighbor app. It was posted by Eric. Eric says,

I'm no longer on the dating scene, period, space, two periods. I'm going to give one of my exes and I another chance at happiness together. And a message. Okay. And here to tell us more. Is Eric, Eric, welcome to the neighborhood listen. Hi, great. Thank you for having me.

You're welcome. Nice to meet you. Eric, is it? It's Eric. Okay. And you're Joe? Joe. Oh, Joan.

Fabulous. And at the end, yep. Joan. Wonderful and burnt. Burnt. Burnt. We got that right away. Fabulous.

And now you might hear my husband, Doug. He's in a different room. Okay, great. What does he rise? Doug, you want to shout out to Eric? Hey, shout out. Hey, dog. Hey.

It's great to hear you. You sound so far away. Yeah, you don't have to shout louder again. You can just get right into the microphone. He's not going to make any difference. Don't worry about it. Can I just get right off the bat. I just want to look at the language here of where you say that you're going to give one of

your ex is a chance. Is your ex aware? One of my exes and I. One of your exes and you is. So he's giving the both of them. Uh-huh. The both, both of that. Yeah, you and your ex.

That's right. Another chance. Is your ex aware of this? Was this the announcement to your ex that this was happening? I suppose it was. And she doesn't use the internet, so she's probably not aware of this yet. But I'm pursuing. At all.

She tries not to. We both, we've both been the platform from a lot of the internet at this point. So why? Yeah. Why? moderators we were both we were both big redidators we actually met

on the NCIS cruise do you know about the NTIAS? No I don't it's a cruise for fans of NTIAS Not official Not official No it's organized by the NTIAS subreddit Okay

Oh wow All right What is that like So there's no chance of any of the stars of NCIS showing up on the cruise We did get a cameo from Mark Harmon for one of the years. He was great. He plays Jethro Gibbs.

He's the main guy. I do love Mark Harmon. He's not truly the name of that character. Yes, he's the main guy. He's not in the program anymore. He's not in there anymore. He's been retired from the program. He's been retired from the program.

But I still love his episodes. His steely blue eyes. I mean, listen, I can't argue with you there. He's married to Pam Dauber. That's right. So now what are the kind of features or, you know, on a normal cruise show you have a DJ party you have a musical theater show or you have a magic show

What do you have that? Costume night. We have that, yes. You do, okay. A lot of Jethros. A lot of Jethros. Including so. Oh, bad.

But some agent Tony Donozo, of course, he, the people are doing him. Some people are addressing his ducky. Dr. Mallet, he is. Dr. Mallard? Yes, who sadly passed, unfortunately. The character or the actor? Both.

Oh, no. Dr. Mallor. Dr. Mallor. Ducky. They called him Ducky. That was his nickname. Getting an education really quick. Please give us some other characters.

Gosh, who could forget? Now, there was one character who was like a goth girl who she was the head of the set of life. I was looking for a female character somewhere. Yes. What was the name? Gosh, it's been so long since I've been on the subredder

because as I mentioned, I've been the platform. formed. Okay. And I've tried to create multiple burner accounts. They've pee banned me. They see through it. Yes.

I would love two more events that happened on the NCS cruise. Of course. Well, of course, there's a costume party, which is a costume contest, ultimately. Okay. There is NTIAS trivia. Oh, that makes sense. And do you do well with that? We do very well.

Oh, great. In fact, that is actually how my wife and I met. Your wife? My ex wife. Wow. Okay. My ex. Big reveal.

Yes. Diane. Goblin. Diane Goblin? Yeah, she kept a name. And what a name. And when you name, Diane Goblin, can we ask your last name?

Sugar. Eric's sugar and Diane Goblin. I like the idea of like if you were having a dinner party, you were saying, oh, the sugar goblins are coming up. We discussed hyphenating it, and boy, what a name that would be very powerful. It would be tremendous. It would be wonderful. The goblins are pretty powerful in this town.

They are, and that's part of the reason why she did not want to take my name. Absolutely. Because with great goblin comes great responsibility. Sure. So true. But we met online through the NTIAS subreddit. Okay. Through our usenames.

We had not met in person, but we made plans to do the NTIAS. And what were your username? I used my full government name. Oh. Eric Sugar. Okay. Why not? Yeah.

You got nothing to hide. There's probably no other Eric Shuggers. Exactly. Yeah. No numbers. You know, there are multiple Eric Suggers now after I took the name. That's weird. There's an underscore.

Eric Sugar. Is that, is this an I Am Spartacus situation where people felt, wow. Can I have one of these? Are these mints for anybody? That's absolutely fine.

I make them myself. So I hope you like this. Homemade mints. Homemade mince. That is spicy. How do you do that? Well, they got a little cay and pepper in them. Cyan mint.

That's so fun. That's a cayenne mint you've got. That's so fun. It's organic. It's hurting my gums. Yes, it is. It starts to be first. There's a little dish where you can spit it out.

Oh, spit dish? I'm seeing this mostly sucked on mince in this. Well, yeah, because actually the recipe is, there's spitments. They're not, they're not meant to be consistently. They're spitments. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. I went all the way through one. You did. How did you feel afterwards? You're not supposed to swallow it. Like swallowing tobacco. It just is all. I let it dissolve.

Are you not supposed to swallow tobacco? Not definitely not. Oh my God. I'm supposed to spit it. I have to talk to my doctor. We'll do that after this. Sure. I'm going to put this.

Yeah. Wow. Great. That was really good. Good job. It's one of my teeth. I don't want to get that mixed up with the spitments. Oh, dear.

How'd you lose that too? You should see the other guy. That's pretty funny. That's pretty funny. It's pretty good. I've understood what that means. So my. So wait a minute.

You met on the Reddit. You met Diana. Diana. Virtually. We met, we met, if you will. E met. Yeah, all out. Thank you.

But we met in real life on the cruise. Mm. Okay. And so how long ago was that? One, two, three, four, five. Okay. Skip 13. Did he?

He skipped 13. How many seasons is? It has been on. Good question. Like 22? I hear him say 55 in there? 58 months ago. Oh, we were going months.

Okay. Why months? Why counted months? We are a big believers in the lunar calendar, so we don't do years. Yeah. It's referential to the sun and we don't respect that. Oh, that was a lot of words. Yeah.

So when did you, I'm going to assume you married, how soon did you get married after this cruise? We got married on the boat. Okay. Wow. Is there a chapel? How long is the chapel? Is there a Jethro minister to us is Jethro that marries you? I would like that.

That would be fantastic. Oh, I wish. Could you imagine if Mark Harmon officiated your wedding, I'd just about die? Even a look alike would be fine. Would you accept being married by Agent Tony Zenoza? That would be pretty fantastic as well. He was the cool one. He was sort of the bad boy.

Yes. And then, God, I wish I remembered. The guy's name was... Ha ha ha. There's, uh, there's Abigail's Shuto. Right. There's Ziva David. Ziva David.

Cately and Todd. Right. Of course. Ellie Bishop. Ellie Bishop, Dr. Jett. We'll put Alderamas on the new is in the new season. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that.

70s show. Yes. And there's a spin off of NCIS. Right? That 90 show. NCIS, that 90 show. Of murders that happened on the 70s. of that 90s show.

That's right. I didn't get into that. I'm banned from Roku, so I can't see that. How did that happen? Don't let me use it anymore. Wait, wait, wait. I need to get, I need to get to the bottom of this relationship.

Are, am I okay to assume that Diana, Diana or Diana? Diane. Diane Goblin. Diane Goblin. Is Diane Goblin the one, the ex you are referring to

in this post? Yes. Okay. And how long ago did you, I'm going to say, or are you just separated? We're separated. How long ago did you separate?

Oh, God. Oh, no, he's going to go back in a month. It's okay. They got married 58 months ago, so let's, we'll do the math. Oh, he's, well. 53 months ago. Wait. Oh, so short marriage.

Short marriage. Brave, but electric. Okay. Absolutely. Why did you break up? Oh, God. Why did we break up? I suppose it was a difference of, uh,

at home conditions. We had different ways that we wanted to live. Oh, sure. Because we moved in right after the cruise. I was not. You're married, sure. We wanted to, yes, we were married on the cruise. It was time to move in.

I had a studio apartment here on Buchanan. Oh, great. Right up the street on Buchanan. Sure. And I said, move right in. Come on. How much stuff could you have? She had so much stuff.

Oh, well, yeah. That's always tricky. stuff. Do you need all of it? We need it. We needed to get through life. We need it. How big was her place?

She lived at home with her parents. Oh, really? So she was in that mansion, the goblin. Oh, that's right. They have a huge house. They have something of a compound. It's like they buy all that. You've seen all the property that they have.

You can't fly a drone over it. They shoot it down. They can't fly a drone. It's a no fly zone. Absolutely. You can get close to it in a car. Yeah. They send out some electromagnetic pulse.

That's right. Yes. Mm-hmm. Men in suits kind of wandering the perimeter. It's like the Scientology building. Oh, please. Can we not, let's not talk about that. Sorry, I know you feel about that. Didn't even bring it up.

Was it, was it just that she had a lot of stuff? Is that really the truth that it was just too much stuff and you wanted to break up with there? Was there something else? What were the living conditions? My lizards. She did not like my lizards. I'm a big reptile guy.

Right now or at the time? At the time. At the time and then right now. At the time. At the time. Oh, no. interesting. He always goes into almost a trance. He closes, just the whites of his eyes are showing

when he counts. I also think that number would be readily accessible. Exactly. It's concerning me that it's not. Eight lizards. Oh, well, okay. Eight lizards. There's a lot of lizards. It's a lot of lizards. It's a lot of lizards for a new woman who you're introducing to your life.

Especially a no lizard woman. What are their names? When you say she's a no lizard woman, what is that? She's an LW. She's a woman without lizards. So if she hasn't grown with lizards, if she didn't have lizards in a family. It's not that she doesn't allow them. It's that she just doesn't have any lizards.

She hasn't had any of them. If you didn't experience with lizards. What are their names? Gregory. Mark Harmon. Of course. Agent Tony DeNozo. Of course.

Scott Fitzgerald. Oh. Green. That one is the color. Blue. Isn't that fun? It's a green lizard named blue. Isn't that kind of fun?

I think that's fun to me. Yeah. Ice cream is one of them. one of them is named Sanchez one more from south of the border and then of course

there is one that was a sponsorship opportunity with Casper Mattress So Casper or Casper Mattress? It was a conjecturally obligated Because at that point I'd become something

of a lizard influencer Oh I see Lizin Liz Influenced Was Influencer So she was not She was not down with the lizards. No, no, she didn't

like them. She said they smelled. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, did they? Did you clean the terrarium enough? Oh, you have no sense of smell. No, I don't have a sense of smell. Wow. Why do you say that's lucky, Doug? Who said that? But smell can alert you to danger, too. Doug, I almost forgot about Doug. Yeah, you gave him a shout out earlier.

Doug, I forgot about you. Doug, why do you say it's lucky to have no sense? I think it's by far the worst sense. What? What? I've never thought about them as categorizing them as one is the worst. Spell, you got to smell urine. You got to smell cat, you know, cat pee. Okay, but that also that's... So that's two urine. And those are both bad sense.

I'm going to help myself to another one of these minutes. That's all right. Okay. Just don't forget to spit. Ow! Did that one get you? So spicy. It's like I forgot.

I'm spitting this out. Okay. That's great. I don't want to take time away from my guys, but Doug, can you very quickly rank the senses for us? Please. For the worst ones? From worst to first. Well, there's, uh, I mean, there's cigarettes.

No, no, no, no, no, babe. Weak, this could take all day. Just the senses. Literally. Oh, I see. Yes, yes, yes. Worse of, I see. Smell by far the worst.

Okay. Umami. No, that's a, that's not, that's not, that's not a sense. It's not a sense. Okay. Okay. Do you, remember all of them? Yeah, I'm trying to think, wait.

Yeah, let's count the sense. There's touch. There's, there's the, there's the, You're going back to this. We're wasting time for it. We'll come back to this. We'll come back to this, Doug. We're going to come back to it.

We're going to come back to it. I'm so sorry, Eric. There's a C-B. We'll come back to this, Doug. We'll come back to it. Reclaiming my time. Can I just say number five? Can I just say number five?

It's, it's smell. What is it? No. Sorry. No, number six is seeing dead people. No, there's no. No. Oh, my God.

I had to get that in. Now you just ruined that movie for everybody. Oh, mommy. It didn't really ruined the movie. Why did you say that? Okay. So it sounds to me, if it's fair to say, that her bringing all of her stuff in and you having too many lizards,

you both said we have to call it quits. Yes, let's call the whole thing off. Let's call the whole thing off. But it was such a short time. So were you sad or? About what? The lizards? Okay.

So maybe that already gives me my answer. Why are you thinking of giving yourselves another chance then? I miss her. Yeah. I miss it out. What do you miss it? Not a smell. I can smell it.

Right. Lost it during birth. So all I can remember. I can only remember the smell of the womb. Oh, what was that smell? It's hard to describe because I have no frame of reference. Coppery? Maybe.

What does coppa smell like? Yeah, it gets it's going to take a while. Let me ask, yeah, how did you lose your sense of smell during birth? That's a great question. My nostrils got squinched. Oh, no. Squinted in the birth canal. That's what the doctor's had to explain it to me.

My doctors got squinted, sorry, my nostrils got squinted by the birth canal. Uh-huh. I was coming out, squitched it right up. Oh, I can see. Yes. Oh, okay. Just like slits. You came out nose first?

Mm-hmm. Okay. That's right. That's a tough birth. I was an NSB. NFB. NFB. NF first birth.

Mm-hmm. Nose first birth. That's right. That's really rare. There's only been like five of them in the world. That's right. Yeah. And we used to all have a subreddit together, but of course, unfortunately, I might be banned.

What is it that you're doing that gets you banned from all these reddics? Yeah. I, I, I, I have a hard time with authority, if I'm being completely honest. When there's a moderator, I like an anarchist system where there's no, there's no levels of power. Really? And so I try to, when I make my voice known, I'm DMing moderators.

I'm saying you should relinquish your power. You should come down, you know, come down. Are you making threats? I don't see them as threats. What can be an example of one that someone said was a threat. That sounds like that's chilling. I don't like that. That does sound like a threat.

I'm going to get you. I say relinquish your power. I'm going to get you. Oh, yeah. It's not meant like I'm going to physically get you. How do you mean it? I don't know. How would you like the person to take it?

I would like them to do what I want. I'd like to relinquish the power. Come on down with us, the Great Unwashed. So if you don't miss her smell, please tell me what you do miss about her when you say you miss her. Or touch, you said. Her touch. Uh, okay. Uh, looking at her.

Okay. Okay. What did you guys do together for fun? Watched a lot of NTSS. Sure. I guess this makes sense. We have the box set. Have you reached out during set?

The box set? Uh-huh. How many, how many desks is that? There's a lot of seasons. And they do it strange where every episode is its own disc. Oh, my God.

Oh, that is inconvenient and wasteful for the environment? A lot of DVD extras. Each episode. Lots of bloopers. Are there tons of bloopers on NCS? So many blopers. Oh, my God. You wouldn't believe how much more comments chopping it up.

He's doing improv takes. He's having a group. Really? He's having a lot. A phone's coming into frame. Okay. So have you reached out to her about getting back together?

I don't know how. And that's why I thought I'd come on your program so that you could maybe help me broadcast the way that she would be able to find that. So that's why. That I'm pursuing her.

Does it say one of my exes? Or just my ex and I? That's a great question. Because I don't know if other exes of yours might actually think they're talking about you. One of my exes. Yeah. How many other exes do you have in town?

I don't know. He's going to roll his eyes back again. He's going to do the kids. I need to stop asking a number questions, I think. Yeah. I wish that you would. Burnt.

Well. You're so mad. I have four exes. Four exes. Four exes. Okay. In this town. Okay.

So why did you? Oh. Are you a bit of a Romeo? I don't roam much. I try to stay in town. How old a gentleman are you? And we asked that? Oh.

Oh. Look who. did it this time. You're right. Age isn't a number. But you have to. You knew this was coming, Bert. I did it. I swear to God. And sometimes I don't. I'll be 62 last year. Oh. I will be 62 last year. I suppose so. Happy birthday, I guess. Thank you. Welcome. Welcome. Okay. Well, this is very confusing because why didn't you want to name her? Don't you have her phone number? Why do you think it's easier to get? Phones. Oh, yes. Why don't you think it's easier? Oh, that's very interesting.

And you think it's easier to post something on the internet, which you're banned from, than it is. And which she doesn't use. Yeah. So just call her. Why didn't you call her? Well, telephonically, you're only able to call one person at a time. True. And I don't know her phone number.

You don't know her phone number? What does it call? What's Burns' phone number? What's Burns phone number? Well, don't say it. Trial and error, I think. Can't docks me. It's 555-209-865.

Oh, my God. She knows it. I don't know. Six numbers. It was six numbers. Well, he, you have. That weird because you got the first cell phone in Dignity Falls. Yes.

And they gave you that weird ass number that had too many numbers. They gave me that, first of all, they gave me that weird area code from TV and movies. Yes, they did. So nobody ever believes me. That's so cool. You like a celebrity. I bet my mom has a, as a 555 number because he's from movies. And he does because he's from movies and television.

It does work that way. That's cool. Maybe it does. If you just put 5555 in and then. 555 mark. You'll probably get a celebrity. I think when they first assigned it, it had an asterisk in it. And you were like, no, that won't work.

That's no good. The point is I don't know her number. I don't know her phone number. And I did try trial and error. And you can't go to the manor. I understand because how could you get into the manor? No, they're going to get me with the lasers. But don't you have owned a cell phone?

I own a cell phone. Okay. So then I know that you have most definitely. Oh, okay. Great phone. Great phone. The number should be in your phone. The first good phone.

Okay. I mean, we can talk about the razor. or some more, but I would really like to try to help this individual. Her number should be in your phone. Where? Just check it. Do you have it on you? Have you ever called her before? We'd spend every moment

together, so there was no use to connect telephonically. There was never an I'm out. I'm picking up milk. I'll be home soon. There was never. No, we had our milk delivered. Is generic okay? You had your milk delivered? Generic milk? Yeah. That's something you might text. I had, I was in a way there's another option. What kind of fancy milks are you guys drinking?

by generic milk. Oh, yeah. It usually means that like if you're at a Kroger, there's Kroger milk or it'll just say it's just like the, not the, like the storebot brand, not something that's fancy and organic. Oh, milk is bought from the store.

I understand, but all milk is not equal. Some is organic and fancy. Oh my goodness. And some is just, you know, from who God knows where. I've got to call my doctor. I'm very curious as to why Kroger was your go-to example for a grocery store.

Because even when I'm not at Kroger, even in Pliqis, we don't have a Kroger here. No, we don't know. We're still selling milk here. There's still Kroger milk everywhere. Everywhere I go. That's wild. I know it's very strange.

Is that why they call it that? I thought it was the type of cow. No. Oh, it's not. It's a Kroger milk. It's a Kroger milk. It's from a Kroger. Okay.

No, I don't believe there's a Kroger cow. I don't think that's a type of cow. It won't be long, though. I really. I know Kroger. I want you to look at your phone and see if you have any names in there, okay? Go to contact. Motorola.

All right. Well, it says Motorola. This must be a Japanese man. No. It's the. Eric, that's the name of the maker of the phone. Okay, I understand. Go to contacts.

Contacts, yeah. Find contacts. It's going to say. I also would have thought Italian. Motorola. Monorola. See. Okay, I'm in context.

Okay. Go to the D's. The D's. Uh-huh. Do you see Diane there? Or maybe sweet. Did you have a pet name? What do you guys call each other?

I called her lizard, which she hated. Okay, so go to L. That, of course she did. The one thing she doesn't like, not to her. I love them, though. I love them, though. Oh, my God. My little lizard.

My stinky little lizard. Oh, no. Not stinky. Oh, but I can't smell. The problem she had was the smell of the lizards. Right, and now in hindsight, it makes perfect sense. I'm glad you can see that. What would she call you?

She would call me Eric. Okay. It's not a good sign that you'd have a pet name for you. Eric Sugar. Oh, boy. Your full name. Wow. That's usually.

Well, because that's what she knew. That was your Reddit screen. I see. It was all one thing. Did you find a lizard in there? Did you find a context? look again. I didn't know this would be so hard.

Got contacts. But I want to help it. We might have a very easy fix here. We might. Yeah. I have. How does this razor love? Because if you get,

because if you. It looks good. It looks really good, baby. It's in really good condition. If you can find her number, you should text her in real time right now. We will help you. I have lizard store.

Lizard store. Was that the name for, was that the number for her home? No. Her home was my home. We lived together. I know. And I mean it's her family.

family home. I think it's literally a lizard. Oh, the goblin estate? No, I have the goblin estate. It's a separate number. Well, then why didn't you call the goblin? Sex the goblin estate. Should we call them right now?

Yes. Call them right now. Oh, yeah. Okay. In residence. Hi, it's Eric. Eric, who, please? Eric Sugar.

Eric Sugar. Eric Sugar, who, please. Uh, from... The name is meaningless, sir. Does the name Diane ring about? Miss Diane. Yes, of course. Yes, I'm...

Yes, ma'am, so sorry. Someone is calling on the telephone. Well, let me have the phone. Here, you're your Grace. Honestly, Groban. Hello? Hi. Does his voice ring a bell?

Eric Sugar? That's right. Oh, Eric Sugar. You sound old. What? What happened? Okay, Eric, I would not start out with that. This is not great.

She wanted to talk to you. Has it been that long. Say something, okay, say something like, no, no, I don't. don't mean you sound old. It's just been, it's been such a long time since I've heard your voice. Okay. Of course correct here. So what do you mean old? You don't sound old. What are you talking about? Okay, but it's nuanced, Eric. Okay. You have to say something like it's just been so long. You sound like you're trying to drive crazy. Yeah, you're making it's making it worse. Okay. Can you explain? Hello? You sound so young. Oh, thank you. That's so nice. Let's get back together. That was a little abrupt. Why don't you say something that you miss? What do you mean?

Why should I get back together? Are those lizards still there? Of course. Well, I'm not going to get rid of my lizards. I love them. You've got to compromise, Eric. Yes. You have to compromise.

You have to say something like, I'll put them in a different room, okay? Okay. Yeah, how many lizards do you have currently? I live in a studio apartment. Oh, yeah. How many do you have now? Do you have more than eight?

I have eight. No, God, damn. No, no, no, no, no. Was he yes or no. I have eight lizards. Oh, good. Why? You know what?

As long as ice cream isn't around, and if he's just in a different room, he was the worst. He would look at me really lasciviously. Oh, is that true? Yeah. What does she mean by this? Okay, like he wanted to like mount her. Mount her. That's right.

Like literally lizard green style. He wanted to do those pushups on her. What the hell? He wanted to do those pushups. I just don't like it when he does the push-ups. They do do that. As long as I don't have ice cream, make eye contact with me when he's doing the push-ups. I don't want that.

Okay. So look away. Eric, you are not doing this. What is the matter? Do you not hear yourself? Maybe you don't. I know you don't have a sense of smell, but you have to have a sense of actually.

Decorum. Thank you. What should I say? Say, I miss you. Do you love her? I love her. And I can't live without you.

I can't live without you. What do you say? What are you whispering? What are you saying? Nothing. You sound crazy. No. I love you.

And I can't live without you. I'm hanging up. Eric. Eric, that didn't go well. Let's call it back. We should have, okay, but we're going to practice. first. Do you have any sense

that that went poorly? I guess it wasn't perfect. But nothing in this life is perfect. I'm going to try another one. You know what? Okay, think about this. No, I wouldn't go for another one. Every time you forget. Every time you forget. Okay, here's what you're going to do, Eric. Do you remember like what her favorite episode? Is there a moment that she loves from NCIS?

Great question. Oh, man. Let's see. It sounds like ice cream. There was... How would you know? I can tell. That's what they sound like. Okay. There was a double homicide. Oh, God, that was your favorite? Yes, double homicide.

Okay. The NTI stands for the naval, naval, yes. Crime investigation. Yes, naval investigation. Scenario. Navy investigation crime. Okay.

Well, it's interesting that you don't know that since you were head of the subreddit. They don't state a lot of the show because it's implied that they all already know. Yeah, sure, okay. So, okay, what did she love about it? Is there like a monologue? I'm trying to see how you can. connect with her through NCIS because that's what brought you together in the first place.

Oh, I could do one of Agent Jethro Gives. Okay, great. Okay, so here's what you say. You say, I can't live without you. Okay. And here's someone else who wants to say something. Okay. Okay.

But you're not going to say who it is because she's going to know. You have a good impression, right? Of my common? Yeah. Oh, to die for. Okay, great. Okay, so call her back. Call her back.

And who would know, really? Okay. Okay, call her, call her, palmer. Although he was married to Angie Harmon, I thought. Because they're both named Herman? Okay, never mind. Yeah. Sorry.

Okay. Eric, so you got your assignment? Fantastic. And don't say anything else. You got it. Don't say anything I didn't tell you to say. Right. Okay, so you're going to say, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I miss you. And here's someone who wants to talk to. And here's someone who wants to talk to. Okay, great. All right. If you want to let her know, open enrollment. Babe, that is right now.

Who is talking right now? You're supposed to work on your senses ranking. You are not supposed to be doing anything else. Okay. So, okay, but we'll do it later. Fantastic. All right, call him back. Call her back.

Okay. Silence, new butler. I'm sorry. I miss you. I beg your pardon, sir? I'm sorry, and I miss you. And there's someone who wants to talk to you. To whom am I speaking?

It's me, Mark Harmon. Not yet. No, you don't give away the magic. Just say it's Eric. Say it's Eric for Diane. It's Eric for Diane. Wait. What happened to Mark Harmon?

Yes, ma'am. Blaine, give me the phone right now. That's for me. Right you, ma'am. Why can I? I'm sorry. Okay. Just say yes.

It is. Yes, it is. And what do you say? You're sorry? And I love you. Oh. And someone wants to tell you something. And someone wants to tell you something.

What is it? There's been a murder on this boat. Is that how Mark Harmon talks? I think so. Mark Harmon? Yes, it's me. Mark Harmon. Apparently it is.

From NCIS. This is uncanny. Wait, what happens now? Is he going to Syrinot himself as Mark Harmon? I guess so. I told him to do a monologue from the NCIS. I told you to do my mom. Not to impersonate Mark.

Don't impersonate him. Just impersonate his character. Be Jethro. I'm, I'm Eric. What do you say? I'm saying. Do a monologue as Jethro.

Don't you, can't you do that? Oh, yes, of course. Okay. Okay. Okay. Go, go for it. Okay.

There's been a murder on this boat. No change. Okay. We need to get to the bottom of this. Dinozo, get in here. Just say yes. Is it? Jethro Gips wouldn't say yes.

No. It's not part of the, No. Now, as Eric Sugar. supposed to say yes. Oh my God, this is so complicated. It's me, Eric Sugar. No, I know it is. I'm here with, I'm here with Jethro Gibbs.

Oh my God. Jethro Gibbs. What are you doing? This has gone terribly off the rails. Eric, my close personal friend. As long as he gets ice cream in a different room, I want to come back to you. No deal. Oh, what? Eric.

Eric. It's not, that's non-negotiable. You know what? I have to say, I, I feel like giving up. I mean, I tried to help. I feel like that went wrong. Everywhere. You're being rigid about these lizards. You're not listening to her. I think the problem is you're not listening.

She's not listening to me. You didn't listen to me. I told, what do you mean she's not listening to you? There's no time to not listen to you. She had one request. Right. Which was very reasonable, I think. To put one lizard in a different room.

So it didn't look at her like he wanted to fuck her. I live in a studio apartment. Where is he supposed to go? Okay. He can go anywhere. He can go in a cage and you could have a blanket over it. Okay. That's all you need to do.

It's a very, very simple request. It's very fair. With the seven other lizards still roaming all around, okay? And I presume that's what they're doing. They do row. Maybe you could move into the Goblin Manor. I don't. I doubt that that's on the table.

I would get kicked out immediately. I mean, there's only way to be sure. Okay. Call back one last time. And you know what? I'm not helping after this. After this, we have to be done. I can't do it anymore.

This is your final chance, here. Fine. I'm sorry. I'm a mom. This is three strikes you're out. Okay. You have to leave my house immediately if this doesn't want on. From three strikes you out.

Baseball. Life. Okay. A life in baseball. It's ringing. Goblin residents. Newest butler speaking. I'm sorry and I love you.

I'm Eric. No. Don't say it to the butler. Say it to ask for Diane immediately, Eric. Diane, immediately. Have you been dialed? Oh, Diane. That's right.

Is that him again? Tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore. Oh, now you're going to have to do some extra work, Eric, okay? I'm so sorry, but Ms. Goblin says she doesn't wish to speak to any bra. Well, there's someone here who might convince you otherwise. Hey, it's me, Mark Harmon. Oh, one moment, sir. Mammoth, Mark Harmon on the line.

Give me a phone, Sinatra! Okay. Hey, it's Eric. Mark had to go to the bathroom. I, Eric, I'm going to shove all the spitments in your mouth. What? I am going to shove all those in your mouth if you can't get the... this right. They used ones.

Ask her if you can move in. That's what you want to ask her, right? Yes. Diane, it's me, Eric. I know it is. Why aren't you saying your full name? It's me, Eric Sugar. Thank you. You're welcome.

Diane, I have something important to ask you. What is it? You're making me really upset. Why? Say sorry again. Just always do it. Don't even question why. Sorry again.

Okay, good. Thank you. Listen, I would like to move in to the Goblin estate. What about the lizards? Can they be in their own room? Well, of course they're coming. Okay, but don't take a tone. Don't take a tone. Say sorry again. Don't even think about it. Sorry again. Didn't mean to say that. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. If they can be in a different room. Yes. Immediately agree to that. Say yes.

Yes. Then you can come. Fabulous. But you have to listen to me. Just say, say yes. Say you will. I will. Say I heard you just now. I heard you just now. I repeat what she said. I will listen to you. I will listen to you. Very good. Oh my God. You've never said anything like this. Why don't we hear a woman talking in the background? Just say you're doing a podcast. I'm doing a podcast.

Okay. Oh, podcasts are cool. Yeah. What? Mark Harmon's here. Hang up. Hang up. No.

Goodbye. I think that went really well. That was definitely the best out of it. That was the best of three. That was the best of three. I think so. I think that hanging out when she said podcast are cool will will intrigue her. Thank you.

Yeah. Eric, that's the best I can do. Okay. And I do have to say I am exhausted from this. And I just, we have to take a break and wish you luck. You're drenched and sweat. I am absolutely sweating. And my bra is very heavy.

I need to go. So I really, really hope that you continue to listen and say sorry whenever you feel like it. Whenever you don't feel like it. Say sorry whenever you don't feel like it. I'm sorry. And you should be okay. Thank you for apologizing to me. Thank you.

I will take that apology. I'll take one. All right. I'm sorry. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah. Well, Eric, we wish you the best of luck.

Great. I really do hope that it works out that you get to move into Goblin Manor. Uh-huh. Oh, God. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to like an automated voice because you just said, uh-huh, in a way that, you know. Right? Yeah.

It's unsettling. I really hope that some of this is getting through to him. Is it? I'm sorry. Oh, no. All right, Eric. Well, good luck to you. Okay.

We'll return with the neighborhood. Listen, and then it will be over. This is Bill. for sale. Seawater framed picture number 17. It's marked down from $150 to just $50. It's a beautiful picture in an excellent condition. It is 27.5 inches by 23 and a half inches. It's just a beautiful picture of a man in seawater.

Is that the term? Seawater. he's got on the scoobers and he's looking at what looks to be a seawater plant, one of the plants that lives in seawaters. Anyway, I think anyone would love to have this beautifully framed picture. It's got a mat and everything, and, you know, the seawater is a beautiful blue. you can see my legs in the reflection of the glass and that's not I just want you to know if you're looking at the picture

that's not part of the picture it's not trying to trip you out I'm not there's not like a man standing on the floor of the seawater that can't be the anyway it's a it's just a guy he's not famous

I don't know who he is and maybe you do Maybe he's someone you know, and you spotted him in the picture. And I didn't know he went to seawater. Is that the term? And so, you know, a hundred, knock down from 150 to 50. I mean, that's a bargain for a seawater picture of a stranger. That does not include legs and feet.

Okay. And if you're, so if you are, let me just say this. Foot fetishist need not apply. I will not sell this picture to you. if you're a foot fetishist and then you're going to complain to me that you couldn't see the feet when you get it home. Enjoy the picture that I posted. Take that, foot freaks. Anyway, so, yeah, so you get this picture of a man you don't know looking at some yellow plants and he's in seawar.

Underwater! Well, Eric Sugar. He was, uh, he what a character. He was a character. He really was. His voice was almost, his voice was almost cartoonish. Yeah. And then it became robotic.

Like as if, you know, those auto responses were coming. Yeah. And giving me the creeps a little bit. Oh, no, there was something that was uncanny about him that I didn't like. Definitely. Yeah. I don't know how it's going to go for him. I, I give it one day.

I was cold the whole time he was here. Were you? Yeah. That's so interesting. Usually I'm the one that's always cold. I know. I always do that. You want a snuggie?

Yeah, I do the podcast. Yes. I mean, I'm always, you can see. Is that a snuggie? Yes. I just make it look like.

It's gorgeous. She has beautiful snuggies. Yes. Sort of Talbitt's style. And I have snuggies that you really can't tell. It looks like I'm wearing an evening gown, but I'm actually wearing a snuggie. I would have thought that was straight out of the Ann Taylor loft. What a compliment.

I mean, for a snuggies? I mean, for a snuggie? Bert, can we please. talk about your blackmail and you're being framed for murder. Of course, but first we have to talk about the remaining five commandments from, what's your name? Thagamire.

From Beverly Thagamizer. Beverly Thagamizer. Beverly Thagamizer. Yes. Are we sure? Okay, we did five. Medusa. Yeah, babe, I don't know if that, but doesn't make sense.

That's, yeah. Yes. I mean, Doug, you did say that. Like we all agreed. Yeah, we call her producer. You understand why I say that. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you made your case.

She did have the sort of old lady dreads for a while that kind of look like snake hair. Okay. Yes, for a little bit. I'm going to say I know what you mean. It was just a period of time. Well, you know, just like thick dreadlocks. I'm going to say that's a common thing. Listen, I know him.

I know what he's thinking. I know what he's thinking. I know what he's thinking. Let's see. Number five is, uh, uh, uh, escrow, no one know. And that is just the truth that you have to remember. That is just the truth.

Well, here's what's fun. This is why I named the dog escrow after this book. Because she goes, there's a whole chapter. She talks about it. You have to remember your clients. Nobody knows what escrow means for the longest time. Until you go through it the first time, nobody knows what it means. It's just something people say.

It's a very, very, weird word and that's when I just thought that'd be kind of a cute if I if I get my my license I'm going to I'm going to get you know I'm going to name my dog escrow I think that's going to be really cute oh that is cute yeah you know escrow is not a beautiful word like arbitrage yes of course we know arbitrage is your favorite French word so that's oh what was that that was a chair okay I swear to God okay I'll believe you I didn't see anything move cross your heart to die. Number four is

A, B, C. Okay. Always? And it's not, nope. Oh, it doesn't even always. It is always. It is always. Yeah, theater.

Oh. Always baked cookies. Of course. Yeah, because she was having a little fun because this was right when the movie of Glenn Gary Glenn Ross came out. Yes. So she kind of wanted to have a little bit fun about that.

That is fun. Isn't it fun? I hope she enjoyed it. I wish she did. It excited her fans. All right. What is that? Number three. Now we're on number two.

We're on number two. And that is a healthy home is not a haunted home. And she always said she regretted not flipping those two around. Oh, healthy home is not a haunted home. I guess it works both ways. She meant to say a haunted home is not a healthy home. Right. But I think it works both ways.

And her editor never caught it. And it went to print. Yeah. She thought, what? This is a terrible. How do you look that over? But it still kind of works. If you say a healthy home is not, yeah, exactly.

But we all know what it's supposed to say. It's true. It's all about how you have to disclose, you know, certain things. If there's horrible trauma in the house, you should always, even if they're not telling you legally you have to, it's just, it's going to go better for the realtor and for the clients as well. What's the worst thing that can happen that you don't need to disclose? What's the worst thing can happen that you don't need to disclose?

That you don't need to say. Oh, bad sex. It's the worst thing. If bad sex was had in the home, you don't have to disclose it. Yeah. Okay. That's good to know. I think like choking on something.

I'm so glad you kept talking after that. Yes, me too. Me too. You think choking on the same topic. You were talking about, you're talking about choking on a gummy bear or whatever. That only happens in a part. Joke it on gummy bear. Tasty freeze.

statistically that only happens in apartments is that true absolutely wow more people choke on gummy bears in apartments than they do in free standing houses in general really in general yeah but is that a reporting problem yeah does that sound like a smart follow-up does that sound like a smart follow-up is that confirmation bias That's a thought you should have kept inside.

He got away with it. Oh, my goodness. And then number one. Speaking of which, here's escrow. Now, he's got a cone on the front and the back. Yes. What does that mean? He's one of the only dogs that can actually lick.

Well, the back sort of directs his explosive diarrhea. Oh, boy. Into like a, well, you ask. I'm sorry. No, he's one of the only dogs who can't direct his explosive diarrhea. so he needs that. Okay, but the direction I would think needs to be, you have to train him to direct it somewhere where you accept it to go.

Yes. So I don't know how much the cone is really healthy. Unless you have trained him to do it certain places that you deem acceptable. But it sort of shapes the flow. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I wish I'd never said anything to anyone. The final one is open concept, open mind.

And that just means that even if someone says they want to knock down all the walls, sometimes she could see way to the future thinking everyone's going to knock down all the walls. Anyone's going to try to modernize it. Escro, no. They're going to suggest a lot of things, not letting your finger things. Eskro. No. Eskro knows I'm talking about reality. Esker always knows.

I was, oh, it's not going to do. He doesn't like that. Oh, no. He was for 10. Oh, poor God. He doesn't know what's going on. You're fine, buddy. You're so good.

Yeah, you're okay. You're okay, honey. You're okay. Escro always knows when I'm talking about realty. So, yeah. Anyways, that's what it, that's what it means. It means you don't always have to knock down the walls. You don't have, encourage your clients to keep an open mind.

Yeah. So don't want an open concept. Keep an open mind. Mm-hmm. And leave everything as it is. Maybe it should have been open-mind, closed concept. Maybe it should have been. Closed concept.

I guess that's what it would be. It sure would be. And so that was it. So, babe, do you have your senses ordered now? Yes, we need your definitive ranking of the five senses. Okay. I do. Okay.

So there's six cents seeing dead people. Yeah, okay. You already ruined that for people. Yes. Well, we already ruined yesterday for people. We sure did. Fifth sense is smell by far. Yes, we know you hate that.

Wait, fifth? Oh, we're counting. We're counting as you dead people. Fourth is your sense of balance, which is a sense. Okay, I knew there was going to be something like this. Oh, man, he's trying to add one. And then there's third is sort of your sense of temperature. Okay.

Which is a sense. What do you keep saying? Which is a sense. Aren't these two things? These are the forbidden senses that. These are the forbidden senses that the five keep out. Oh, no. So,

I'm trying to educate the listeners. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're a sense of balance is an important sense. You have two left. Yeah. And you're saying,

sight, touch, hearing. You haven't even gotten to taste yet. Touch is, uh, taste is next. Okay.

And then touch. Okay. So sight doesn't make the top six. That's not. Sight. Well, we're going from what he likes the least, right? Right. So maybe it is good that sites to talk.

We agreed it would be, it would be worst to first. Yeah. Yes, that's what I mean. He says the worst is seeing dead people. Second worst is smelling. Yeah. If he hasn't gotten to sight yet, that means sight might be first. Right?

I think I covered all of them. I don't think you did, babe. Okay. Let's go back over. Okay. Dead people. Smell. Smell. Smell.

No. Balance. Sense of direction. No, sense of temperature. No, sense of temperature. Those are sensitive. Oh, no. I don't think those should count.

They should not. You're one of the denialists. Oh, my gosh. What's the matter? Oh, I'm so sorry. It's very, my kitchen island is very, very much. You've made these legs octagonal so they have even more sharp edges. I thought I was just trying something.

There's no way you could go without eating the edge of the table. I apologize. I was trying something. It's all right. Where do you put sight, babe? Sites off the grid. Off the grid. We don't really need it.

Okay. Doug. It's nice. Look, I want all my sense. Babe, you had a whole hour to think of this. This is one of those times where I think you're being, you're trying to be provocative. I know what you mean, Bern. I know what you mean.

I'm being provocative to stimulate people's minds. I'm a teacher now. Oh, boy. That's what this is about. Oh, no. And how is that coming along? It's going pretty good. We're working on finger holes.

Okay. Sure. And just being able to visual. You have to elaborate. What are you talking about? Well, you have to diversify the size of the finger holes and the bowling balls. Okay. Well, you just buy different size bowling balls.

You can. But some of them have the confusingly huge thumbholes. That is true. No, that is true. They are confusingly big. You can have them custom made. Are you telling me the bowling. Alleyes are then responsible for resizing the holes in the balls?

No, usually. Well, they have to source the balls. Yeah. Usually. Right. Right. You got to be choosy. A lot of bowling alleys, though, have little shops where you can actually buy a bowling ball.

That's true. I believe sometimes on site they can kind of, I guess you can only go one way. You can only make a hole bigger. You can't make it smaller. Yeah. Right. That goes. That's so true.

That's just true. Across the board. Oh, man. You could be a minister. Well, you can make a grave smaller. By adding more body. bodies or dirt. Yeah,

riddle. Yeah, first you dig the grave. Body. Dirt. I don't know how we started talking about this. Have you ever seen a thing where like a gangster

or somebody makes a person dig their own grave? Oh, yeah. Oh, awful. I would just say no. You know what? I would just really drag my feet at that stage.

Oh, for sure. I would just like hoping somebody would come by. Yeah, just by time. I think I flat out, I would just say absolutely not.

Yeah, I would too. Throw me in. Yeah. This is no problem. I'll pay for the, you know, tractor or whatever. I'm going to say, what? No. Don't offer to pay.

This is going to kill you. Don't offer to do anything. Right away. Well, I mean, wouldn't you rather just get it done with than have to dig it and then you're thrown in? Oh, God. No, I say that's why I refuse. If it's, if it's, they're pointing a gun at me and they're saying, now dig your own grave. I would just say absolutely not.

Yes. This is your idea. This is your problem. You know what I would say? My one request would be to have that little bell that I could ring if I was still alive under there. You know, they used to do that. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. That's where, you know, the horror trip. That's not when they held people at gunpoint and then shot them. Probably not. Meaning if you just said, I'm not going to do that. You know he would just shoot them. It was just when all they knew about disease was that it came from the rain or whatever.

Whatever medieval thing they believed. All right. I have one last post. We have time for what my life is on the rain comes from. And that's all we have time for. I know. I wish we could have talk more about my black villain. Oh, wait.

We forgot to do that again. Well, we just don't have time. Burr. This is, okay, okay, okay. We had to finish old business. And our listeners are probably going to be crazy to hear this. So the very next episode we're going to discuss it. Listeners, you're crazy for this one.

We're not going to waste any time. The very next episode, we're going to start right with it. Okay. Okay. I'll probably barely talk at all. Okay. Deal. So I don't know if this is funny or not, but for whatever reason, this picture,

there's something. I don't know. We'll see if you agree. Well, it doesn't have to be funny. I don't, I don't think it is because it's probably, it's about potentially someone, you know, breaking into vehicles. Oh, so if you don't think something is funny, I guess you could always say, I don't know if this is funny or not. I don't think it is. That's right.

I mean, I. It's about anything. I don't think the discussion about being buried alive. Is that funny? No, it was not. I don't think it was funny. Okay, so this is from Andy and it says burglary alert. I don't think that's funny at all.

That's from Jaws. Yes, it is. This is from Andy. and it's from August 31st. It says, burglary alert, August 31st, 3 a.m. This guy came into the acorn apartments in dignity and next to the island burgers and broke into vehicles.

Please beware. But here's the thing. This picture to me... Yeah, sorry. I can... God Almighty. What kills me about this is this person's clearly wearing... glasses, right?

It's one of the most puzzling pictures. I'm so glad. Bert has the same confused face I do. It just does not look. First of all, it doesn't look threatening in any way. It looks like a bug. It looks like a little threatening. Cartoon or an alien.

I think this person has huge glasses. I think it looks. They're wearing a ski mask cut out, but there's just glasses. Like the riddler in the Batman. I think he looks threatening. It looks like a 14 year old to me. He looks threatening, but not in a breaking a car's way.

Okay. but in an alien way. Yes. What if this guy actually, what if it was an alien? And this guy thinks, you know, it's just a burglar. He looks like a Sid and Marty Croft creation.

It's a crazy picture, right? It's a crazy picture. Also, it's kind of blurry. So it's like it's very, yeah, it's very cryptic. So it looks like he has Simpson's eyes. They're gigantic. You'll see in the picture. Huge like Coke bottle glasses.

It's an alien that's near sighted. So, and it's a cap. It's either a cap. And then the scheme, I can't tell. but it really, it almost looks like a little Pac-Man ghost on top of his head. Absolutely. That's exactly what it looks like. And it's not blue either, so be careful.

It's not blue. I don't know what, I don't know who that is. That's not Sue or Inky. It's Pac-Man Ghosts are scary. It's scary. I think we can all agree. They're relentless. They are relentless, that's for sure.

As far as supernatural video games go, I feel like that one is one of the scarier ones. Yeah. Like, it's up there with Silent Hill. What is Silent Hill? You don't know Simon Hill? No, I don't know video. Is this modern-day video?

You know about Lady Dmitriskew? Ooh, Dementriskew? The giant hot lady vampire? No idea. Yeah, that's all I know. Okay, great. I'll look it up on my own time. Yeah, and we welcome you to do your own research.

Yes. If you'd like to see the pictures that we were talking about, you can see all our posts on our Instagram account. That is, is it, I always forget what it's called. The Neighborhood Listen. It is. And we do, we post there every episode. So you can see those there.

see what people said in their own words. And then if you'd like to hear, add free versions of the show and gain access to our bonus content, which includes movie watchalongs, but Q&A's, other people's podcasts. Straight up full episodes.

Straight up full episodes. No, we're not skimping on these. Nope. This is not like 10 minutes. No, no, we're really, they're feast. They're sick feasts. They're sick feasts.

They're not sick feasts. I'm being told. That's right. We may have talked about the sick faces. I know, we have. We have. We did. We did.

We did. Sign up on the Maximus tier. And you can get the bonus content. Well, that's all the time we have for this episode of season E11 Evan. E11 Evan. We'll be back next week. And until then, goodbye. And bye.

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Jake Ellen Bogan. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to CBBWorld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free,

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