The Neighborhood Listen - Buffalo Mozzarella, Kumquats and Scams with Jessica McKenna + Zach Reino

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

This week, Burnt and Joan discuss the women that want to feed Burnt, Joan's new musical plans and Fiestaware. Plus a scamming couple from Target (Jessica McKenna + Zach Reino) come to the studio to hopefully get some wallets on the table. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Look out, Canadian listeners, this one's for you. Coho is a mastercard with an easy-to-use app that makes managing your finances easier. Coho lets you earn cash back, borrow, build your credit history, and so much more. Join over 1 million Canadians and sign up for your free trial today. Download Coho on Google or App Store today or koho.ca for more details. Plus, for any basketball fans out there, get a $75 e-gift card for nbastore.ca when you sign up with the promo code koho75. That's code koho75. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is.

All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guests are played by Jessica McKenna and Zach Reno. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good.

In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHap app and us, Bert and Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell, we'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen.

Oh, me? Oh, this always happens. Are we? Doug, are you already recording? I'm recording. Oh, man. Welcome to The Neighborhood Listen. I'm Joan Pedestrian.

And I'm Burton Mia Payday. Yes. You know, you'd think for the fact we're on our season two, we'd have it together for how to introduce the damn show. You know, I know, but it's fun to keep it spontaneous. I agree. And I was about to introduce it, and I was like, well, I introduced it last month. I wouldn't be fine if Joan did this one. You introduce it a lot. That is true, which is fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Wait, now don't. Is it fine? It's fine. Are you? Doug, when I introduce it a lot. That is true. Which is fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Is it fine? It's fine.

Doug, when I say it's fine, you know that... She means it's fine. Yeah, it doesn't mean anything else. I can't get a read on either one of you. That's how we've been together so long. Because you're inscrutable to the outside world. We can't read each other sometimes. Exactly. And to each other. That's right. It's good to keep a little mystery. Absolutely. As you know, Iutable to the outside world. Exactly. And to each other. That's right.

It's good to keep a little mystery. Absolutely. As you know, I'm not in a relationship, nor will I ever be. You know, and I'm telling you, but we have had some emails from listeners, some interested female listeners. Here we go. I'm just saying, Berndt, have you responded to any of those ladies? You know, I haven't, and I sort of appreciate it, but it does sort of feel like, and this is, I don't mean any insult to these ladies at all. It does sort of have that vibe of the women who want to marry prisoners on death row.

Where they think that something is so wrong with me. No. That they want to redeem me in some way or themselves. They want to fix you. Isn't that kind of thing? They want to fix me. Let me tell you something. If you're, you know, you're starting up a flirtation with a guy on death row, you're not going to fix that guy.

Well, my goodness. I'm sorry that you feel that way. What I read is people who really, well, first of all, everyone wants to feed you, Bernt. Mostly because everyone's these everyone wants to feed you burnt mostly because of their everyone's with these women want to feed you i know i have some oddities when it comes to food yes um no no square things i can't eat square and you've never had a sandwich i've never had a sandwich which they're often square and we have been getting and is that so funny that like that that one week where like five sandwiches got sent to my house for you.

People sent submarine sandwiches. Yeah, but they were in circles. They were circle sandwiches. They were circle sandwiches. They got it half right. People know, you know, some people call them sub sandwiches. People call them grinders, hoagies. Here in Dignity Falls, of course, we call them.

Fat man or little boy. That's right. Because we were supposed to be the ones who built the bomb. The bomb was supposed to be built here at Dignity Falls. We really campaigned hard for it. And we got up in. And we did. And what happens? So if you want a regular sized,way, I would just say I'll have a fat man.

And if you want a half, it's called a little boy. That's right. And, you know, then they say that sometimes if it doesn't agree with you, it could be nuclear. That was the joke that my dad used to make. That's a real dad joke. That's a real good dad joke. Doug is full of dad jokes all the time. Is that true, Doug?

How you doing, babe? He's in my walk-in closet today. Oh, really? Now, that's where you keep all your theatrical costumes. Oh, it is true. Oh, and I have very big news about the community theater production. Now, this is exciting. So, we've changed shows.

Before, it was going to be a very woke My Fair Lady. Everyone was going to be covered in blood by the end. We were going to cover All lives matter, everything, right? Not all lives matter. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I am so sorry. I misspoke.

I misspoke. We were going to cover all the hashtags. You were going to cover the two genders. You were going to cover all the hashtags. All the hashtags. That's right. It was going to be called hashtag My Fair Lady is what we were going to cover all the hashtags. You were going to cover the two genders. You were going to cover all the hashtags. All the hashtags. That's right. It was going to be called hashtag MyFairLady is what we were going to do. But you know what?

Something happened over the break. I don't know what it was, but I kind of just felt like maybe that idea, MyFairLady, not the idea of being woke, was over. Right. And when I really think about a dream role, it was never that. And then I saw that Idina Menzel was going to do Funny Girl this year in the fall. And I just thought, well, why can't I do it, too? Why can't I do it in Dignity Falls? And so that's what we're going to do. We're going to do Funny Girl.

We're probably going to do it in the spring. But we're going to do a whole new design and but we're gonna do a whole new design we're gonna do a whole new and i don't know what we're gonna i don't know what the political message of that one's gonna be but it needs to have one for sure it needs to have it maybe we'll just call it funny person joan can i be honest um i think that's a great idea thank you uh i i really got hung up on the fact that you you flubbed uh adina menzel's name because of course it famously happened. I know Adele Dazeem. I know John Travolta. We know blah, blah, blah. And I felt like, do I acknowledge it?

I shouldn't acknowledge it. We're just human beings having a conversation. I'm aware that I messed it up. Of course you are. That also factored into my thinking. But then I started thinking about the listener and thinking, well, they have to acknowledge it.

They have to acknowledge it. And I just started spinning out. I just started spinning out. And now here we are. I had to say something about the fact that you lightly tripped over this name that had famously been completely altered by a noted Scientologist, John Travolta. This might be why you're single. Do you think that it is? I think it could be.

Do you find that when you use, when you have dated in the past, do you find yourself getting hung up on the quirks of the other person? Oh, yes, absolutely. 100%. Like, what was the reason for your last breakup? My last breakup, I think I was told I was being weird. With no specifics. No specifics. This was like, this was something that a woman said to me over her shoulder as she was walking away.

She didn't even have a heart to tell you to your face. It was in transit. It was a walking breakup. A walking breakup. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

And I, what could I do but shrug my shoulders and say, well, that happened again. Again. Now, this was years ago. Sure. Because it's been a while. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. Well, ladies, I don't know.

Keep sending sandwiches. Keep sending casseroles. One of you is going to be the lucky lady. I got it. say maybe maybe not i don't know i i that might not be where my life's plan takes me okay i just sometimes i feel like uh you're a little lonely well i mean sometimes i'm desperately lonely and uh all i can hear is the you know the my own blood pumping in my ears um but there are times where the solitude I really enjoyed. It's very peaceful and calm. And I can forget that I'm alive.

Oh, dear. Now, we do have a post from NeighborHap, as we always do every week. And this one was intriguing to me. This comes from Alan. The subject line is gas leak slashed. Excuse me. Subject line is gas leak slash torched lock. Who am I, John Travolta? Well, I was just going to say, do we have to worry about the listeners?

But you're thinking it. You're thinking about the listeners. Of course. The post goes on. Hey, neighbors. I came home to a gas leak today due to trees that we're blown over in recent days. Now, that's he means were. But autocorrect. Oh, boy. This is already off to a bad start. Autocorrect.

Clearly put an apostrophe in there, which is, that's, we can get into that another time. That's another story. The gas company came by and everything is okay now. However, it appears someone took a blowtorch to my backyard gate. What? I don't care about the cost of the gate. Well, no one's even brought that up. I just would like to know if this was merely a concerned neighbor who smelled gas and wanted to help.

It wasn't the gas company. Someone took a blowtorch? Someone took... To his... He... This thought, Alan... Is he assuming that? Or is there a way to determine whether or not a blowtorch has been taken to someone?

That's the thing. I don't know. I don't know what makes Alan... Doug... Sorry. Let me get Doug in here. Because there was a time when the twins were obsessed with the blowtorch. And they just ran around blowtorching everything.

Why did you have that blowtorch? It was a mistake. There's only so many Christmases you can give them socks. So you gave your... And believe me, they were all used. Not the way I wanted them used. Oh, I'm sorry. Does anyone else have teenage boys?

It's a nightmare. You gave your teenage sons a blowtorch. Listen, I got a deal. Right. And I just thought, it's an outdoor toy. You were fed up with them just using these socks to soak up semen. And you said, you said, I'm going to get them something different that they certainly can't use for that purpose. Yeah.

Yes. Believe me, they tried. Couple trips to the ER, I'll tell you what. Oh, dear. Well. Oh, dear. Anyways. It is a very specific mark that a blowtorch leaves behind.

Believe me. So you can tell. If you look at this gate, we probably would have been able to tell. It's just such a strange, it's a strange tool that someone assumes someone used to blow through a gate. And also, if it was a concerned neighbor, wouldn't you just knock on the door or climb the fence? Not take a blowtorch to it. Not destroy the property. Yes, I mean, if some trees fell down, I don't know why that would call for blowtorching the back gate.

Correct. Also, let me say this. How does he know it wasn't the gas company? I also don't know that either. He's made a lot of conclusions. This is a company that they're allowed on your property anytime they feel like it to read your meter. They come and go as they please. I don't like that.

It's lawless. All of a sudden, there's just a man outside your window. Exactly. It's very Big Brother, the gas company. Very much so. Very much so. Also, you don't know how much gas you're using. And they say, oh, this month you used $1,500 worth of gas.

Is that your monthly bill? Burnt, what are you using gas for? I know you're not cooking. What are you using it for? I'm certainly not cooking. But you know how the bill will fluctuate. and then in the winter months, you want to heat your home. Sure.

If you have gas heat. Mm-hmm. They might say that you use, oh, you try to heat your home so much, use this much gas. And I think what they're doing is they're guessing. They're guessing. Now, in the winter months, I barely turn the heat on at all. Because I like to be aware and alert. And when it's cold, it's good sleep and weather.

It's true. Listen, I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm so glad that we invited Burnt over for Christmas night. Because I brought a pie to his house that afternoon and it was freezing in there. And he was racing, eating a can of tuna in the dark and good round food. Well, when it comes in, yes, yes. So it's just it's just the packaging also. Right. It doesn't.

Well, the packaging helps. I mean, if you stick a sandwich in a can. Sandwich in a can. That's a good in a can. Sandwich in a can. That's a good idea. Sandwich in a can. Entrepreneur. That could be the jingle. Sandwich in a can.

Step one, you open the can. Step two, put the sandwich in the can. Step three, then you open the can. That's the way you do it. Sandwich in a can. Perfect. Well, look, I don't really know. It wasn't perfect because you had to open the can in there twice.

I apologize. You really are. You're doing it to yourself now. You're doing it to yourself. You're going to turn around and turn your head and say, we're done, to yourself. Oh, no. Can you imagine? I feel like it's happening.

And I have to imagine. I'm saying if I had a doppelganger that if imagine someone that looks exactly like you walking away from you and then turning over their shoulder and saying, you're done. You know, all I can think about is I can finally see what my ass looks like from behind. What about a mirror?

It's not the same. It's not the same, Bert. It's not the same. It's not the same, Bert. It's not the same. And every woman knows what I'm talking about. We all wonder. But ladies, we'd like to hear from you. Is this true? Bert really wants to hear from you.

Now you're going to get a lot of pictures of ladies from behind. I'm telling you what, Bert. You just watch. Well, I mean, if that's what happens, that's what happens. He likes round things. And I cannot lie. All right. We have to take a break. We have to take a break.

We have to take a break. When we return, we will have a guest right here on. This is the first. This is the first time we've had two guests. It is the first. It's very exciting. Very exciting. More when The Neighborhood Listen returns.

Listen returns. Hi, this is Wendy T. I am giving away some kitchen items listed in the order of pictures. $5 set of three Easter spring candy bowls. $5 cake, cupcake, pie, double A carrier. One each plate, stands, wood, stands wood plastic and metal sold a bunch

but i have a few left five dollars set of four heart plates and two bowls the bowl that is pictured that i'm really trying to get rid of is a pink bowl that has an adorable porcelain bunny perched on the side and on the inside of the bowl it says, some bunny needs a treat. My husband hates this bowl and he makes a rude comment about the pun every time I have my ice cream out of it. So I am getting rid of it. Any price will be fine. Just please come take it off my hands. Thank you. And yes. No, me again. Oh God, the second this happened again. Are we recording? Thank you. Okay. And the costumes. Well, we didn't. Okay. Wow. That's like quicksand. There are.

What? There's like a pile of clothes on the floor of the closet and you're saying it's like quicksand. There's a lot of feather boas. Probably too many. Up to my chest. How many is a lot? 50. And then how many is too many?

50. What's the ideal number of feather boas? Look, I think it's probably more like 25. It's probably half. Probably half. That's still a lot of boas. You can, it's just, listen, it's my world in there. I hesitated to put Doug in there today because I knew this was going to happen.

There's going to be a comment about everything. Same thing with my laptop, okay? The desktop is a mess, and he constantly wants to fix it. but who cares? What does it matter? Do you have icons overlapping icons? Yes, I do. If you have to know, yes, I do. And do I have a hard time running anything? Cause all the windows are open. Yes. Yes, I do. That's also true. Well, Joan, I'm, I'm, I'm not here to indict you. I do have a question though. In addition to the snake and feather, what other kind of boas are there? Because when I hear people say feather boa, I think, well, I know they don't mean the snake.

Are they just differentiating from the snake? You mean, is there another type of boa costume style that is not made of feathers? Is that what you're asking? Or another type of boa altogether? Well, I'm asking both. I don't think that there's a third type of boa, not that I'm aware of. Okay. And sometimes boas can be made of something fuzzy, but not quite a feather.

Here we go. And I have a few of those. Okay. I'll show them to you afterwards. Okay, wait. All right. So we have a couple here. Okay.

This is the first time. Never been done before in the show. Never before. Because this couple is the subject. They were the subject of this post. That we were really very curious about it. And I, A, want to have them on to either, I guess, defend themselves. subject they were the subject of this post that we were really very curious about it and i i i a want to have them on to other i guess defend themselves because it sounds as if they're being accused of a scam i mean right here it says target scam this is the post from carrie

was at target today and was approached by a woman claiming i called her husband an asshole the weirdest thing i've experienced to date which wow she's okay most most the weirdest thing that's ever happened to her i wouldn't. Wow. The weirdest thing that's ever happened to her. I wouldn't say that's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. But anyway, maybe she's had a real. There's a lot of weird things that can happen in a life. Right? And that's the weirdest thing to date, she says. I wonder.

So she's allowing the possibility weirder things will happen. Perhaps. I mean, spoiler alert, weirder things will happen, I think. She came up to me and said, did you call my husband an asshole? I was like, what? Question mark, question mark, question mark. What are you talking about? She was so abrasive and vulgar.

I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. They didn't know my daughter was already in the area, and I think they were trying to distract me from my purse in my cart. It was so crazy. I never said a word to her husband. I think they were trying to distract me and get my purse, but they weren't expecting my daughter to be there. It was nuts. She was screaming at me, and I never said a word to her husband. Be on alert. So crazy. And so I went to Target. This

is a little sleuth work I like to do. And asked if I could, they know, they know me there. They know the podcast. Because you wouldn't tell me off mic how you did this. Well, I asked if I could see the security footage. You wanted to reveal it. This is exciting. And I saw what they looked like. How did you get the target people to show you the security footage? Listen, one of the guys. Joan, Joan, Joan.

What? Did you use your theatrical background to go in disguise? Maybe. Oh, this is, I love this. Maybe. This is very exciting. I mean, I will say I do a really good Southern lady. And that, by the way, is why the boas are everywhere, because I was looking for a straw hat, Doug, which I found.

A bonnet, really. Describe the entire costume to me. Okay. Bonnet, cat-eye glasses, neck brace, evening gown. I can see it. I can see it as clear as day. Yeah. Anyways, I don't want our couple to keep waiting.

So we're just going to introduce them. And I actually don't know their names. So I'll just let them introduce themselves. And a little bit nervous to have you guys here. I got to be honest. I'm really hoping that this woman was wrong. And you guys aren't running a scam. But I don't know.

Tell us your names and what your deal is. Oh, thank you for having us. My name is Peggy Rasputin. I'm Bradley Rasputin! Can you come in a little closer? Is this one for me? Yes, that microphone. You don't have to stand there in the doorway.

And you don't have to scream into the microphone. I know we're on your show, but I guess I'd like to ask some questions. What were you thinking when you called my husband an asshole? Hold on a second. Okay, now wait. Now wait just one moment. Is this happening? It's this one.

I knew it, sweetheart. This is the one who did it. I knew it. No, no. Hold on a second. No, no, no, no. Why did you call my husband an asshole in your evening gown and bonnet and glasses? Put your wallet on the table and explain to me why you called me.

Oh, my God. What's happening? Joan. Sir? This can't happen. This is my house. This is my own home. We have invited you two onto the show so that you could clear your own names. We did not invite you onto the show to do what, frankly,

it sounds like you're doing, is trying to pull a scam. I guess you called us onto your show because you have a telltale heart saying, I gotta apologize for calling this man an asshole. It was rude. No, I haven't even met you. I never met you. I just saw you just now.

You just came here. When did I call you an asshole? I just would feel better if we all, all of us together took a deep breath, put our wallets, rings, watches on the table. Doug, Doug, you might have to come out here. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Thank you, sir. Is that you're taking your watch table. I'm sorry. Doug, Doug, you might have to come out here. Thank you, sir. Yeah, thank you, sir. Is that you're taking your watch off? I'm not.

Why are you doing this? I'll take my watch off. I'll take my watch off, and I'm putting it in my front pocket. Okay, now I'll put my watch in your pocket. No, I don't want that. Sir, both of your watches on the table. No, I don't have a watch. I'll put them under these three cups.

I don't have a watch. I'll sort of mix them around. Where are you doing that magic trick? No, I don't have a watch. I'll put them under these three cups. I don't have a watch. I'll sort of mix them around. Where are you doing that magic trick? Now, this man who just came out of the closet, he also took his watch off. Here's my wallet. And I think we should put them all under all these books. Doug, why are you giving him your wallet? And maybe if we could cover them in the boas, and then we'll understand, you know, maybe why you would call my husband an asshole.

I do not know what's happening. Let's calm down. Let's all calm down. Now, hold on a second. This is very stressful. Thank you for coming on our show to apologize. I'm sorry. This is not.

This is my kitchen. Now, sir, you claim that my co-host and friend, Joan, called you this name. When did this happen? What were the circumstances? Minutes ago. Because I don't believe it. Minutes ago. I don't believe it.

You were right there. It was not me. It's impossible. I was right there and I heard nothing. You were right there. And you did sort of an echo like a backup singer. You said, yep, you are an asshole. He didn't. He did no such thing.

Run back the tape. You were recording the whole time. Do we have the ability to run back the tape? I wish that we did. I just want to know. We just want to move past this. We want you to put your wallets on the table. We are not putting our wallets on the table.

Okay, if we're too uncomfortable to put our wallets on the table because we don't feel like being honest and safe, then that's fine. We'll just, I don't know. Put your whole purse on it. Put your computer on the table. Put our computers in our. No, no, no. First of all, this is our show. It's called The Neighborhood Listen.

We invited you on here to explain yourselves. I made you a lovely appetizer of buffalo mozzarella and basil and tomatoes. Which we've worked very hard on and no one has touched. What are you talking about? This is a freshly made buffalo mozzarella that I made. No, it's not. And we, she was up so late at night working on it

to bring to our podcast this morning. Just because you say buffalo doesn't mean we're going to think, oh, she did make it. And you know what? I almost said that, but I decided not to because I'm not pretentious.

And you know what? I almost thought of bringing a burrata, but instead I thought, these people want a buffalo mozzarella. And if you don't want to eat it, that's fine. Just say so. And don't call my husband, and don't call know, these people want a buffalo mozzarella. And if you don't want to eat it, that's fine. Just say so. And don't call my husband.

And don't call my husband. A burrata? A burrata. And don't call my husband a burrata. A farfalle? Listen, listen. All these things we thought about. A farmagiano reggiano.

This is what they do. They're just distracting. Now he's just naming cheeses. And someone probably just got their wallet taken. Okay, I'm going to take some of this art off of the wall. No, please don't. Please don't. I'm going to put the art in the middle of the table.

Oh, that's not art. July piece. No, Doug. That is July a piece. She did that. That was a self-portrait she made when she was five. She's done so many. It's just one.

Oh, Doug. It's fiesta wear. Hey. Can we put your fiesta wear on the table so we can all feel more comfortable? We're going to put the fiesta wear on the table so we all feel more comfortable. Okay. And we're just trying to get to the bottom. Listeners, thank you for joining us on another episode of Why'd They Say That?

What is happening right now? This is, I can't, Joan. My name is Bradley Rasputin. And my name is Peggy Rasputin. And we have, what? I can't believe this is happening. I can't either. This is the last thing I expected.

Me too. It's utter madness. I thought this woman was incorrect, and she's exactly right. These people are insane. This is a weird, it's a weird scam. It is a weird scam. All right, here's what I think we should do. We'll dive back in.

We'll be a united front. We'll try to defuse the situation. We'll try to just talk to them like people get them to relate to us on a human level. What happens if they accuse us of something again? We just got to deny, deny, deny. Deny, deny, deny. Okay. And this next one is, of course, That's the Way It Is by Bruce Hornsby.

And we've cut to a song. No, we don't. No, we're not. We're not putting, we're not a DJ situation. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've got an idea. Well, you might not be, but we are on our show, Why'd They Say That? Where we ask people why they call my husband an asshole and play Bruce Hornsby.

And now we can talk about whatever we want because we are playing the song. Let me ask you a question. Okay. First time in a long time. If you have a whole show devoted to why did people call your husband an asshole? Well, why'd they say that? Let it finish. People call you all sorts of things.

Fair. Just not late for dinner. Don't. Keep going, Bernd. Stick with it. He's an incredible cook. Bernd, keep going. Do not let him do this. Go, go, go. Keep talking. Stay focused. Is it possible? Do not let him do this. They're amping it back up again. Do not let him do this. Go, go, go, go. Keep talking.

Stay focused. Is it possible? Let's take all accusations of scammery off the table. Off the table. We're going to have to replace the things that we took off the table with things back on the table. Okay, so I'm going to put our Fiestaware back in our cabinet. It is my Fiestaware. I'm going to let you keep this creamer because we never use it. This creamer holder.

Sorry. Go ahead. All scamming aside, is it possible that if you have a show devoted to, why'd they say that, about your husband, your husband maybe is doing something wrong? Wow. I can't believe you would say that on our show. I mean, it's about getting to the bottom of- I speak truth to power. All kinds of things that they call him.

Sometimes people call him a sea captain and we don't understand why. I don't understand why. That's on you to assume that they're all negative, you know? And I just think it would be helpful for all of us right now if we just turned our phones off. Because, you know, I think that they're the product of a lot of our anxiety and we just turn them off and we put them in a pile in the middle of the table. We're not-

We're not putting anything in a pile. We're not putting anything in a pile. You know what? I think we all have a lot of baggage right now, so maybe we should take all of our bags. Let's all go to a room in the house and find one thing that we think we don't. Absolutely not. Find one thing that we think we can partner with. Now, guys, we do not want to end the segment on this note.

That Bruce Hornsby song is going to be over soon. This is our show. This is our show. Wow. This is our show. This is our show. Wow. This is our show. This is our show. What entitlement. Can you believe this, Bradley?

Honestly. I don't. Yes. And that was Bruce Hornsby with That's the Way It Is. That's right. Welcome back to Why'd They Sue? Why'd They Sue You? Why'd They Sue You?

This is me and Brent's show. Brent's show. What's happening? Me and Brent have a show called Why'd They Sue You? I'm not entirely sure. It's about an overly litigious country And why we sue each other Today we have on the show

The McDonald's coffee woman Joan, I think that's you Oh Maybe we better just humor them Can't beat him, join him Yes, hello Hey, why'd you do that? Why'd you do that?

Why'd you sue McDonald's? Why'd you sue? Put your wallet on the table And tell us why you sued McDonald's. They're back to scams. My injuries were actually terrible. I was wearing a polyester sweatsuit. That is true. It was truly bad.

That is true. It was truly, truly bad. In fact, they should have settled for even more money. And here's Bert and I saying, that sue was a good thing to do. We'll be right back after this. And now we have cat freezes. Joan. And scene. What? be right back after this. And now we have catchphrases. Joan. And scene.

What? What? That's right. What's right? Welcome back to Inside the Actors Studio. What? Joan. Joan.

Joan. This is my husband, James Lipton. I love this show. Come on. Thank you, sir. Doug, this is not. You are no help. Doug, this is not... You are no help.

I don't think you understand what's happening. Ma'am, I'd like to know why you called my husband James Lipton an asshole. And I'd also like to know, if heaven does exist, what would you like to hear at the pearly gates? Get out of my house. This is my podcast. No, that's what you want to hear in heaven? You want that in heaven? Joan. Joan, no. Joan, no. What are you doing? I it? You want that in heaven? Joan. Joan, no.

Joan, no. What are you doing? I don't love you. I'll handle this. Joan, no. Joan, may I? No, you may not. Fair.

You may not, Bradley. And really, Rasputin, that's your last name? That's not a chosen thing. That's not a chosen thing. It sounds like I made up. I did choose it. I chose to take that last name because I thought, I want to say Rasputin is a fun 70s disco song that was really huge in Europe and didn't quite catch on here. That's what I want to think about.

I don't know that. You don't know that song? Your word's not ours. We're going to go to that song right now. No, we're not. There's nothing we're going to go to. You know, when he said Encine, I was really hoping that these are two very nice people who were just playing a joke on us. I thought so, too.

But it turns out that's not scene. I want to know why you called my husband James Lipton an asshole. Wait. First of all. I thought the scene ended. You just did that. End scene. Oh, no.

This is terrifying. Are you familiar with the film Inception? I've heard of it. Are you familiar with the movie Memento? Yes, both of them. Yes, I've heard of it, never is terrifying. Are you familiar with the film Inception? I've heard of it. Are you familiar with the movie Memento? Yes, both of them. Yes, I've heard of it, never seen it. Are you familiar with the film Ferngully? Heard of it, never seen it.

Got a big monster who is destroying a rainforest. He is pollution. The metaphor for pollution. Robin Williams is in it as a genetically altered bat. A little fruit bat. Now, I think we'd all feel more comfortable talking about Ferngully with our wallets on the table. I'll just put mine on the table. Absolutely not.

We're not doing... You know what? I have to put an end to this. Yes. This is outrageous. This is my home. If you don't leave, I will call the police. Fine. You know what? We're happy to leave. We'll just take back our Fiesta Ware. That is mine. It's my Fiesta Ware. It is my Fiesta Ware.

It's Martha Stewart's collection from 2008. Fine. And I love it. Fine. If wear. It feels like if we should all. It's Martha Stewart's collection from 2008. Fine. And I love it. Fine. If you could at least give us a couple dollars to split this appetizer that we ordered and no one is sharing. I didn't order it. I gave it to you.

We're not. Okay. We came into this restaurant. It's not offensive. This is the boldest gaslighting I've ever seen in my life. We ordered buffalo mozzarella for the table. No one touched it. You all agreed at the time.

You said, yes, that sounds good. We said chicken fingers felt too much for the evening. And then you ordered pasta with cheese in it. So then when it came, you said, wait, that might be too much cheese. But we already ordered it. So can you please give us a couple dollars? We brought fiestaware from our own home because you, quote, couldn't stand the china of this chintzy place. I wanted to get, you'll remember, the Bloomin' Onion because it's my birthday.

No, Birch, no, no. That's right. That's right. I think the three of us agree. That's right. So we'll just take one wallet and 25 boas and you'll never see us again. Oh, don't you remember that our wallets were taken at the hostess stand? Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yes, they were. They were put there for safety. And I also ordered a dessert for everybody. That's right. Where's that dessert? So where's that dessert? All right. I'll go scream at the hostess.

Thank you. And I'll go ask that hostess why she called my husband an asshole. Why did you do it? Why'd you call him an asshole? They're yelling at the dog. I think you should lock the door. Excuse me, you furry, small hostess. While they're out in the yard, you should lock the door. You're yelling at escrow. Your breath

is abhorrent for someone in food service. Do not lick me without consent. Even if you think it's a person that's rude. Indeed. Dog, why'd you call my husband an asshole? How'd you get this job, dog? Alright, we will return with

more of the Neighborhood Listen, and maybe the police. Hello everyone, this is Javona W. Free Fortunia tree! Hello everyone! I have a tree from the farmer's market still in the container. I simply don't have a place to plant it because I was given an even more beautiful tree. If interested, please PM me. Javona W.

And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. Boy, that got hairy. I mean, I think they left, but I'm not sure. I'm afraid to look out the window. I know. I thought I was losing my mind when they were here. I feel crazy. That was crazy.

Maybe that wasn't a good, oh no. Who is it? Hi, this is Officer Mazzone. And Officer Rasputin. Oh. Oh no. Bradley. It's them. How'd you do no. It's them. How'd you do that?

It's them. I thought we were going to be too... Okay, you got it now. They didn't notice. He has a mustache drawn on his face. And not on his lip. Hi. We don't want to further disturb your evening.

We know that you had an incident here. We already arrested them. They're taking them down to the station. They've been running a lot of scams. Great news. Okay, that's all different kinds of... That's great. We're just going to finish up our segment here. running a lot of scams. Great news. Okay, that's all different kinds of... That's great. We're just going to finish up our segment here.

Just want to make sure you're keeping safe. Yep, everything's great. Really quick, just for information down at the station, we are going to need your wallets. That makes zero sense. We'll put them in the night drop. Yeah, that's great. We'll put them in the night drop,

and we'll tend for that situation over to you immediately. Okay. We'll just ask again later. Yeah, we'll come back in like over to you immediately. Okay. We'll just ask again later. Yeah, we'll come back in like a minute. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so we have this last post. We have a final post, yes.

And I think this ends on a positive note. This person is a lot of energy. Sounds great. This person is named Aaron with a Y. Yes? Hi, I'm the Milkman, and this is my wife, Mrs. Milkman. Hi, I'm wearing a straw bonnet, a gown, and cat-eye glasses. And I'm wearing a neck brace.

How did you guys get into my closet? Doug? Doug, did they come into the closet? Yes, they did. Why are you? That's not good. We're just here to deliver milk. You said you had too many.

You said 50 was too many. I don't know that this was the solution. Not the moment. Not the moment. To let these insane scammers into your home. To deliver some milk. Some good milk. Well, they have milk.

Fresh milk. We don't. There's no milkman in this town. There's no milkman in this town. You can use this fresh milk to make your own buffalo mozzarella. All right. They're not even trying to cover their tracks.

This isn't even milk. This is just mail from the mailbox. Let's read the post real quick. All right. This says, looking for kumquats, many exclamation points.

Does anyone know where I can get some? I don't know where to find them except on trees, which is hard to come by. Thanks. And then all caps, I love them.

Now, I love her energy. Yes. But I... And kumquats, they are delightful. They are delightful. And it's a great thing to get excited about, the round. Yeah. But the idea...

I think you were going to say it. Maybe not. You do it. Well, she doesn't seem to mention the store. Thank you. You're right. I was going to say it. Yeah. I was going to say it. Yeah.

I was going to say it. That's what I thought you were going to say. To call them hard to come by. Hard to come by. It's just not, that's not what we say about kumquats, is it? No, it's not that kumquats are some sort of fruit brigadoon. What's weird is they have never left the room and they just keep knocking on the door from the inside. Hi.

What? Yes, hi. You're inside already. What? I just wanted to see if you wanted any kumquats. They heard us say kumquats. I know. I wanted to see if you wanted any kumquats. They heard us say kumquats. I know. I don't think they really want weird things.

Guess what? Can I see the kumquats? Yeah, sure. Here you go. Oh, okay. These are rocks from the driveway. You are truly insane. What, what, what?

Hi, someone's stolen my driveway rocks. Is it your wife? I don't know, but I think we should all empty our pockets and put what we have in our pockets on the table to solve this crime. You know what? You know what? I'm sorry,

but guess what? I have to say it. You, sir, are an asshole. Joan! This is how to get rid of them. And scene! Well, that's all the time we have

for this episode of Neighborhood Listen. and seen well that's all the time we have for this episode of neighborhood listen I wish I could tell you what happened here but I I'm not quite sure this is certainly an unusual episode normally we would thank our guests for being here but I don't know if that applies

today and you're welcome thank you so much for being on our show. Why'd you say that? And also, thank you for being on my show, Why'd You Sue That? And I want to say, Bruce Hornsby, keep doing what you're doing. Take us out, Bruce. That's Just the Way It Is by Bruce Hornsby. Goodbye.

Doug, I forbid you to play that song. Goodbye. And goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. And goodbye.