The Neighborhood Listen - Chive & What Onion? with Lou Wilson

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Burnt debates teeth in film, Joan gives an update on the twins' latest project, and Doug goes for bells and whistles. Later, they welcome Kathy (Lou Wilson), an accident lawyer with a major grievance concerning a certain cream cheese.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock this episode and ALL seasons of The Neighborhood Listen ad-free, as well as full length exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone You've got the neighbor half app And us, burn And Joan From coyotes to mail theft

To weird things to sell We'll cover it all And meet new neighbors as well We'll chat about any posts You're missing So just tune in To the neighborhood listen Welcome to

What happened? It just sounded like there was something in your throat Because you just got Elkham out Oh I didn't hear a W Did you not hear a W? I didn't Welcome to

It was a lot like that. I thought I was doing a W. And you know, and you probably were doing a W. Do you know what? Do we need a W still for welcome? You think it should be Elkham? So every door match should just say Elk. I'm just saying it could be.

I'm saying it could be. I mean, anything could be. It's confusing just because you say, well, where's the W? Why do you want to change the word welcome all of a sudden? I didn't say I wanted to, Joan. I'm saying it could be. It's like Doug thinking that it should be underground. and overground.

And he said, why aren't we saying overground, you know, we should decide above ground or overground? And you said, I think we have. That's for me, a deep cut. I don't recall that discussion. Remember, I re-listened to our episodes all the time.

You do. I can't get enough of them. I've never re-listened to one. Are you serious? You've never heard our podcast. You've never heard it. I think you should listen every once in a while. Why?

Because it's important. What if you said something you want to take back? I can't. of a single thing. I figure it. If I say it, I mean it. I want to take back.

I almost edit myself out entirely. It sounds like you're talking to yourself sometimes. I say to Doug, I'm like, babe, take all of that out. No, really? Is that true? Yeah. It just sounds like, I forced myself to do it because I'm like,

no, I've never done that. I've never done that. You got to got excited. It made it sound like you had your own show. I didn't want to sound like that Bill per Monday morning podcast. Is this you have one? Yes. Just Monday mornings or is it called Monday mornings.

I believe it's just Monday mornings. Okay. And it's one of those podcasts that some people describe as hostage audio. because it's one person just talking for a long time. Just complaining? Yes. You don't like hostages do. He doesn't even.

He has no guess. Well, if Bilber held you hostage, I would tell him everything right away. Bilber. Bilber. It's like Wilbur. From Lord of the Rings. Yes. Can it just be Ilber?

Bilber Baggins. Bilber Baggins. How come Bilbo, how come Bilbo could wear the ring and just turn invisible? Everybody else went insane. Is that what happens? Pretty much. You remember, you two know a lot more about Lord of the Rings than I do. You know, I just wasn't, it wasn't really part of my growing up.

True. And I'm not trying to hold it over your head. I was busy reading Brenda Peters autobiography. That's what I was doing. Now, how come some people could be married to Steve Martin and not go insane? And some people did go insane. Oh, were that many people married to Steve Martin? I think there's only two.

What's there only two? Okay, so, uh... The woman from L.A. story. Right. That's right. We all remember her name. Victoria Tenant? Victoria Tenant. Very good.

Well done, Burns. Here's who I mix her up with. Trudy Stiler. That's Sting's wife. That's pretty wild. There were some reason. Not at all similar. The same person to me.

Not even the same category. Oh, okay, Joe. I was not trying to lean into it and make you feel bad. You're acting like I'm ready for the rubber room. Don't give Doug the idea. He wants to do a rubber room. Oh, sure. We should, first of all, say who we are.

You said who you are. No, I think you did. I did interrupt you because you said, we didn't get further than welcome. Welcome to The Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its many residents. Two such residents are here right now,

sitting across from each other. My name is Burn Me a Payday. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls, Macy. And with me as always is, my name is Joan Pedestrian, and I'm the top realtor in Digny Falls as well as the top local actress. Perfect.

Thank you. I like to do the my name that way as if it's... It is fun. Me? This is who I am. You're a storyteller. And then at the end, you reveal I was in the story the whole time. In this case, you're like, I was in the podcast the whole time.

Is that what you mean? Yes. Okay. It is a little scary. I don't think I ever said it was scary. Oh, I got scared. You know how easily I scare. You scare easily.

I scare so easily. I remember one time. I scared. Oh, why would you do that? I scare. I scare. You know when a, I scared. I scare when I turn a page too quickly.

Of anything. Of anything. It could be a catalog. You might open a birthday card too fast. Yeah. Oh, and I hate the ones where stuff pops out. The boys always used to get those for me. But, yeah, well, they had one that also caught on fire when you opened it.

Like what? Oh, like a magic trick. Yes. Yes. But it was just gunpowder they put in there. And when you opened it, it ignited. I'm talking about my pyromaniac twins, my boys, twin boys, Matt and. Shirley Chil.

Chau Chau Moldownie. Surely Chachamold Downey. That's right. Oh, I love them so. But I didn't love... But I didn't love... The one after the famous female race car driver.

That is... It's weird because I was under a lot... I was on a lot of drugs. And remember the second... I didn't know I was having twins. Right. That came out immediately. That's right.

Right? And then I didn't feel good. And I said, guys, I don't think I'm done. And they were like, what does that mean? I was like, I just don't feel like I'm done. And... And all of a sudden, and they were like, you just need drugs.

So they gave me a lot of drugs. And then all of a sudden out came the next baby. And I said, another baby. And it's kind of like when Steve Korel was getting his thing waxed. And he went, Kelly Clarkson. That's what I said? Oh, Shirley Chacham Moul County. And I went, what does it say?

Shirley Chachal Mold County. Just like that. Yes. Yep. The movie Heart Like a Wheel starring Bunny Bedelia. How, Buddy Bedelia? Does anyone know where is anything else than the wife in, in, um, Die Hard?

Yeah, and Die Hard. Well, I know where is Shirley Chachaw Mold Downy. in heart like a wheel. Can you tell me a little about her? Yeah, she was a race car driver. Her nickname was Chacha. Her given name was Shirley Muldownie. Okay. That's it. That's all you got. I guess I wanted to hear about the part where she was a race car driver. Yeah, she would get in the car and race it. Okay, Byrne. It does seem like if a movie was made about her, that something happened. Well, now, obviously

it did. Doesn't mean I've seen the movie, Joan. Oh, okay. It's just a movie of her. I see. I thought that you'd seen it. No. You know what race car movie kind of bored me was F1? Is that bad to say? No, it's not bad to say because race car movies are boring. I was like, I don't get it. Who cares? I didn't understand. I was like, did they just think he would look good in the uniform?

I think that's all it was. Here's the thing. It's like movies about magic. Like you're, now you see me. It's like, well, that doesn't do anything for me because I know that that this is a movie. Right. It's not happening right in front of them. You know what's funny about F1 is that.

So watching race cars on a movie screen is like, okay. Especially when you don't know what's going on. And I feel like I would have loved to have seen the men who had to do the voiceovers that lasted forever as the commentators because it was like they were trying to explain it to us like we knew nothing about it, but in a very obvious way. He was like, he's now doing this, then this is exactly how this is driving for the tire. Now a tire,

this is how a tire works? And I mean, they were truly just explaining everything. Now the wheels look like they're spinning backwards, but they're actually going forwards. This is how it all works. It took me out of it a little bit. Sure. I got to say. Yeah. But anyways, I'm sorry for that tangent. But I mean, when you see what cars and movies

do in other movies and action movies. Yeah. And they need to see some guys going around a track. Who cares? I mean, it's never been for me. You know what I mean? It's for some fruit carts on there.

It's for some fruit carts? Yeah, put some fruit carts on the track. Just to see things explode? Yes. The last lap, every car is to go through a fruit cart. Well, it's certainly less dangerous than the car's exploding. That's got, I'm sorry. What was that?

That's exactly right. Now, I mean, I enjoy Mario car because I played that with the boys. They still like to play it. And that's fun. That I'm into. But when I watch the real thing, I just can't do it. Do you feel like Mario should have been getting mixed up in these haunted mansions and such? It is funny that they always have that category.

There's always a haunted mansion. What? There is. In every single sort of a Nintendo, there's always a haunted dungeon. In every iteration of Mario Kart, there's been a haunted mansion. There's several different types of haunted mansions. Did you not know this? Okay.

I did not know this. Oh, yeah. And I'm not quite sure what you mean. meaning every Nintendo game has a haunted mansion No no no no Mario Kart, Mario Kart.

I'm so sorry That's okay I accept your apology I only know so much about this because I grew up with three boys in the house You know what I mean That's right including Doug your husband

Yes hey babe By the way This is our engineer Doug my husband And he's in a He records from a different room Every time Where are you babe?

What is he laughing about? Doug what do you? I'm in a fantastic park Oh, fantastic parts. It's funny that we're talking about this because this is, he's always wanted to make his own Mario cart track. Right. Is that what that is, babe? Yes.

Okay. Seems like a qualified, yes. Sure did. Doug, expand. Well, I was watching Jurassic Park. Sure. And I was thinking, God, that's a good idea. But why limiting?

That's a good idea. Now, I'm going to ask you to expand on that. Everything in the movie demonstrates that it's not. It's the whole, it's the whole thrust of the film. It's true. I think Sam Neal ends by saying, I do not endorse your park after careful consideration as they're running away from the dinosaurs. Maybe the problem was the Jurassic part.

So then you take the Jurassic Park out. Park is a good idea. Yeah. Park is good. We love Park. Parks have been proven to work. They sure have. And the sort of the cadence of, you know, welcome to fantastic.

I think you mean, it works the same. To Jurassic Park. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. And you can have elk in there. Boy.

Oh, you could have elk in there. So it's just a park with elk. Do you know, I saw. Modern animals. Do you know who taught? Modern animals. Modern. That is a selling point.

Sure is. The most up-to-date animals. Modern delights. Come to fantastic park. Can I issue a few little grievances? Oh, absolutely. I was not expecting this. This is, it just got started.

These are minor grievances. You're a value member of the team. You sure are. If you have grievances, we'd like to hear them. I mean, we wouldn't like to hear them. We did just do our intentions for the season for our season 10. That's right. We're barely into tensational season 10.

And one of the things that we wanted to do is make sure that Doug speaks up and feels heard. So go ahead. What are your minor grievances? One. Excuse me. And I don't want to step on any. One second, Doug. But that's interrupting.

Yes, but it's for a very important point. Okay. I don't think we were encouraging Doug to speak up and speak his mind so much as saying, saying, hey, Doug, when you interrupt, could you please explain what it is you're talking about rather than making everyone ask all the time? Okay, fair. But he's trying to do that right now.

So let's let him do it. Fair enough. Doug, now is the time. All right. I just wanted to point out that Bilbo did, was going mad when he put on the ring. That's why I had to leave. When?

Oh, that's kind of true. Yeah. After how many decades. Remember he says, oh, maybe just one more time or whatever. And then, you know, and then when he's going to take the way he goes crazy. That, he lived with him. for years.

Hey, why did you bring us back to Lord of the Rings? We'd already made it past. No, I... It's a minor grievance. Okay. I thought you were going to say minor grievance with us,

but that was just about... God, you were the minor grievance. And I'm already over it. I'm already over it. Oh, good. And I also want to say... Okay. It was Mario's brother Luigi

who got mixed up with the Honda Mansion. So Mario was never... He never went to the Honda Mansion? Oh. I didn't say that. Yeah, and you didn't need to because Mario absolutely did end up. But Mario probably got roped into it

because of this question. stands did Mario need to get mixed up in these giant, in these haunted mansions. Also, I just wanted to say, another one. Oh, here comes. This is an grievance. But you encourage me to say, it's a comment. The thing that entered my mind as quick as I could. Okay.

This is not as quick as I could have done it. Okay, it's okay, babe. Can you turn up the fruit card in the track? Turn up the fruit card in the track? What's he doing? Okay. Can I get some more fruit card? Here's what's going on.

It feels vaguely. Can I get some more fruit card on the track? It vaguely feels familiar to me, but I can't quite pinpoint what it is he's referencing. It would have killed in the moment. Doug, you're not wrong. It would have had so much more impact than it does now. Who is he referencing? He's referencing a sort of a hip-hop artist in a recording booth and asking for something,

some element to be turned up in his headphones. Okay, got it. You know why I was confused because track, I was thinking of the, it's a great double meaning because track, that's right. I think that's what I was thinking. No, I know, but I was thinking the car track. So I was, I know.

I thought he was referencing. Because he said fruit card. And we talked about fruit card on the track. Yes, I know. And it would have made, Burnt said, I'm not, I think we should put some fruit card on the track. He did. I think we're all aware of what's happening.

I think we're on board. I think we're on the same page. Now that we've explained it to each other, we all agree. It's a double meaning. We all, we can all agree on that. We all agree on that. We can all agree on that.

We can all agree. on that. Okay. Well, so what is actually going to be in Fantastic Park then? I thought it was a Mario Kart track. Well, you drive through the Fantastic Park. And okay, what do we see? All right. What do we see on our way there? You see. Are there way through there? Right now you see some Tonka trucks. But it's just like, I'm just, I'm filling out the park. Okay. With what? You see some birds sometimes. Sometimes. You see some birds sometimes. You're not Animals are not Cainson.

You are not guaranteed birds. I'm building a track out in the in the yard. Oh. And it's going to be a really fun sort of a Mario Kart experience. Okay.

Sounds it. And you're going to see a lot of sites on the way. A lot of sites on the way. You give us one example. I feel like yeah, there is no plan or you just doesn't want to tell me. You see mole hills?

Sure. Which are in Mario Kart. Yes. In some of them. Yes. Okay. Well, takes care of my next question.

You're going to go under like an arch, a beautiful arch. Okay. A beautiful arch. Are you building that, babe? Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. Is it modeled after the St. Louis arch or just a... Oh, God, I hope it's not that big.

No, that's a simple, that's a horrible arch. What? Horrible art. Talk about it. That's a major grievance. It's a national park. What are you talking about? You just woke up and decided you toss the St. Louis arch.

I'm sorry. I'm coming in. hot. You sure are. I've always had a chip on my shoulder about that arch. You have. Why? There's just no bells and whistles on it. It's not enough that it's a gigantic arch. Can you describe a national monument or something else like the arch that has bells and whistles on it? How about the arc de triumph? Okay, well, that's not an art country, but I wouldn't say the arc to triumph was, had bells and whistles on it. Oh, have you seen the Gorogiles? It's got fancy stuff on it. Did you say gargiles, babe?

I said gorgiles. Gorgadles. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. You misunderstood. He didn't say gargoyles. Oh, I'm sorry. Gorgiles.

That's Notre Dame, babe. They have gargoyles on Notre Dame. They got gorgoyles everywhere. Are there not... Doug. Are we talking about the same thing? Also, just to say they've got gargoles everywhere. That's not true.

Now, there's a lot of old buildings that do have them on there. I'm inclined to agree with Doug. They do have them all. No, they have a lot over. I said that. I don't think they're on the Arc to Triumph. I don't think there's got to be at least one. Okay.

The point is, I don't know, I, I did not know you felt this way about the arch. This is surprising to me. Yeah. Yeah, we've never talked about that before. I mean, it is pretty plain. I guess you could also say it's a sleek and stunning design and just. Elegant and simplicity. You can take an elevator up there.

I thought you'd love that. Did you know that? You can go up and cite it. Yes. Are we thinking of the same art? Yes, babe. You can go up in it. So you're shooting up.

in an arc motion in this elevator. No, not as exciting as you want it to be. But yes, you go up to the top. Now how do you feel about it? Is that enough bells and whistles for you? I guess that does change things a little bit. Why are we talking about things we don't know about? I don't know.

Let's talk about what we do know about, which is dignity falls. How are you doing, burnt? How are things with Gabby? Gabby again is still, she's still, you know, on call because of the threat of a second incident. We had an incident happen. Digny Falls many, many years ago. Nobody talks about it. We've never addressed it. And now Burnt has said that there might be a second one happening. Yes. And you won't give us any information. I am forbidden to do so. I shouldn't even have told you that. How often? Is this consuming your whole life? How often are you seeing Gabby? Do you see her at all?

A wee video conference. What? Yes. Why? She blurs her background so I can't see. Oh my goodness. Yes. This is very concerning. Why? Because I'm worried about. about it for your relationship. I'm worried about her safety. I'm worried about our safety. Look, I knew what I was getting into when I entered a relationship with a smoke jumper. I suppose so. I just didn't know that she was like the front line. She's like the FBI or something. I didn't realize that the smoke jumpers had anything to do with the incident back in the day. Apparently there is a smoke and fire component. Yeah, that makes me nervous.

To this possible second incident. Oh gosh. And you can't talk about this around the boys. I can't know. Of course not. Love fire. We all know this. And I keep, I'm trying to keep them on the creative side of things. I'm really trying to, I'm trying to collaborate with them on something now. What are they up to now? Well, as we said, Mr. Doubtfire didn't work. They wrote that for me and we tried to shoot it in the house in a single shot. It was a disaster.

There was a lot of nudity. There's a lot of nudity. And they blurred out my face only, which was so weird. It was like, you guys, come on. It made me feel bad on every level. It's very troubling. And, you know, unfortunately, they don't have any new ideas. I'm trying to get them to think of their own idea.

They're just taking a movie and, like, flipping it. You know, like I told you, they wanted to come up. up with like whatever heated rivalry meets meets uh i can't remember what it was they they want to do something about heated rivalry and i can't remember what it was but then they saw hamlet and so they're like oh we want to do that because like they know i was doing herlet my one woman uh all all female hamlet that's right because you were a woman and you were the only one in it it was by default all female that's right that's what i meant uh and so then they kept so what they do is they just come up with some idea, but they don't have anything to back it up. They're like, oh, mom, we're

going to do that too. It's going to be Romeo and Julie Nett. And I was like, no, that's not good. That's not a thing. You can't just put Nett at the end of it. You know, there was a reason for that movie. There was a reason for that book. Do they see the movie? Did they read the book? They just, they started watching their, ew, everyone's so dirty. And they turned it off. And you know what? They should have been dirtier. Do you think so? You don't think that it properly showed the dirt of Elizabethan Times. I'm of, I'm of two minds because on the one hand, When they do go as far as they make everyone's teeth all disgusting. I think, we don't need to see that.

We get it. I know. You know, but then when people's teeth aren't disgusting, I think teeth are too nice. You know, Kenneth Paltrow's teeth are pretty nice in Shakespeare in love. Yeah. And I remember then, uh, no, the hot people. They don't do it to the hot people. The nurse gives her just a wooden stick to brush your teeth within one of the scenes.

And I was like, what? Are we to believe? I mean, you know, what else? It was just unnecessary. It's like, here, we're trying. We did some research and you used a wooden stick. I'm sure for that time that is, they were like, oh, thank God for these sticks. No, it was, but she had much nicer teeth.

I have so much mutton in my teeth. Their teeth were too nice for sticks. I know, but it's. So you see my dilemma. I do. Yeah. I'm with you on that. Doug, thank you.

Yeah. I do, I think they should just not open their mouths or like not smile. Because everyone would be self-conscious. Yeah. That's why I've heard was true back then. Oh, that's why they were, that's why they spoke softly. I guess that makes sense. Speak the speech.

Yeah, they would have never, no one would have ever understood what they said. They probably would do that thing, you know, people say when they go. That's hilarious. Oh, I hate that. I hate that so much. Zero laughter, but.

Huh, funny. Without, dead, dead face. Yeah, I don't like that at all. Just laugh. Just laugh. You know, just get over yourself. Who do you think you are? Ugh.

It's like, um, it's, that guy, Trent Van Zant in town, and he basically never debased himself to be in a Digny Falls Playhouse show. But he's this very serious actor. He went to Yale. He never shuts up about it. And he thinks he's the funniest person in town. And he really does. He started to stand up. And what he'll do is he'll say a joke. And then before anyone, he goes, it's funny. Like, he tells the audience. Like at the end of the joke, he immediately says, it's funny. That's strange. It is. And it's obnoxious. Does it work?

I mean... Not really. But he's so gorgeous that that's why he has a lot of people come to watch. He's very handsome. He's very beautiful. Absolutely.

He's got... He's had a bunch of stuff done to his face though. A whole lot. Yeah. Yeah. He basically, he did, well, he did the,

he did that thing, the BLEF thing. He got rid of all the eyelids above his eyes. The BLEF thing? You never heard of that? Is it named after Brenda Blethen? No.

BLEF. Bluff. Yes, with a pH. I don't know what the full name is, but it's been shortened to Blev. Isn't that when a dog has its tongue out? I don't know. It's a bleep.

Oh, a blep. Excuse me. When a dog-oh. Has its tongue hanging out a little bit. The dogos and the kiddos playing in the backyard. What a dream. So it's where you take, it's like if your eyes become what they call hooded. And then there's a lot of extra skin on top of your eyes.

That's right. And then they have people take it out. And everyone looks crazy. For some people that is a medical necessity, you get to a, if it goes on long enough, your eye, it can affect your vision. They're just closed all the time? Essentially, yes. Wow.

Your eyelids are weighted down. I don't talk about this, but I had a lip bluff. My top lip was covering the bottom lip. The top lip. Yes, that's what they call it. Instead of a lip, I had a lip. Your top lip was covering your bottom lip? Yes, like an elephant seal.

That's too much. It was, and it was hard to do anything. You know, this was a long time ago. I was 12. Hard to do anything. It's like those monkeys where the nose is flapping down, bonobos. Yes. So that was necessary.

But some of these, no one looks like themselves anymore. They look crazy. Excuse me one second, Joan. Okay. What, Doug? Were you just doing a bonobos ad? I know, you know, we've never been sponsored by Minobos. And why did they name their company that?

I don't know. I couldn't say. All I think about is the game that we played before on the show, but you didn't know about it. You know, I'd like to eat, eat. Eples and Beninis, that thing, that song. That game. It's a fun game.

That's what I always think about when I hear bonobos. Anyways, babe, how long are we been talking? Probably long enough once we get to that. 24. Oh, okay. It's perfect. It's good time to stop. All right.

We're going to stop now. And when we start up again, it will be because the show has moved on. More when the neighborhood listen returns. This is Victoria. $15. decorative pillow. It's a shabby chic decorative pillow with my favorite people call me auntie text. Never used. Clean. Now, when you come to get this, I expect you to bring references. At least three people who you consider your favorites, who call you Auntie. A bonus would be

if you brought them in person. I would also accept video of these people. with their hands on a Bible, right hand, please, saying, yes, the person attempting to buy this shabishy decorative pillow, I am one of her favorite people or his favorite people. Anyone can be called Auntie by their favorite people. And I do attest here in front of God and everyone that I am one of their favorite people. and I do call them Auntie often enough that they answer to it. Is that so hard? Written testimonials

is tricky. It will take some time for me to check up on them. I'd prefer the in person. I'd accept the video. But if you really want to save time and you want this shabby-sheek decorative pillow that's never used and clean by the by, you will bring your favorite people

and they will call you auntie in front of my very eyes. Chen, welcome back to the neighborhood listen. We have a guest, Joan. We sure do. Here's what we do. Every week on this podcast, we comb the neighbor app, the social networking application for neighborhoods.

We look for interesting people to talk to. Maybe somebody needs their message amplified. Maybe somebody is confused about something. Maybe they need to answer for something. That's happened before. murderers on the show. Yep. That was the first and it was

just last time. I don't think it was a first. Oh, I would say this person was the first time I feel like that takes the cake. That guess so far is probably the top murderer. First, multiple murderer and arsonist. True, correct.

I could be wrong about that too. Anyway, if you think you've seen a post that we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at burnt and Joan and gmail.com. like this was submitted by a listener named Brett Gleason. Thank you, Brett. This is posted in the general section

by Kathy. Kathy writes. Philadelphia chive and onion is lacking. I don't know what's up with this cream cheese spread, but I bought Philadelphia chive and onion cream cheese from a local grocer and it has no onion. Or it's just really small. Either way, there needs to be more onion in our cream cheese.

when we buy it. Here to talk more about that is Kathy. Kathy, welcome to the nearby. Hi, Kathy. Hey, guys, so thrilled to be here. So nice to meet you, Jones. So nice to meet you, Bert.

Doug! Oh, Doug, thanks for being here. Oh, so, do you listen to the podcast now and then? I do. Big fan. Oh, thank you very much. When you guys had on that murderer, that was something. Yeah, sure was.

Something is a good way to play. Boy, oh, boy. We hope that this one's going to be a little more tame. You don't have any secrets, do you, Kathy? Come on. Come on. No. I'm here to talk about cream cheese.

Okay. Can we first... Can we ask you about your name? Yes, of course. I'm named after my father, Catherine, who's named after his father, Catherine. Really? Going all the way back to ye old England. Right.

Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. So I come from a long line of Catherine's. It was a man's name in a different time. Oh, that makes sense. Yes. Once upon a time, incredibly masculine.

Some of the strongest men that ever lived were named Catherine. Kathy's. You know, it's a man. kind of, I think it's England's kind of version of like Ajax or Achilles. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Okay. Like named after a god. Very much so. Now, you went with the I.E. Is that your choice or was that Oh, to switch it up to Kathy? Well, I think, well, legally I'm a Catherine. Right. But, you know, in the way that my dad's, uh, Catherine Jr. Or K.J. His father was Catherine, I think, fourth or fifth. So I'm Kathy. But, you know, you guys can call me K or a special. K or if you want to give me some kind of fun

nickname. Do you want us to call you special K is a pretty fun name? Right? You're not supposed to come up with your own nickname. No, no. You just made a suggestion? I suggested and if you call me special K, that could be fun and cool. Okay, great. Well, we'll call you special K.

We want it just to feel welcome here. That's so fun. That's so cool. Yeah, call me special K. All right. Now, special K. Yes. You have a real gripe with Philadelphia chiving onion cream cheese.

Big time. Have you guys ever had? at it? I don't recall. I haven't. But what my question is, whenever I hear chive and onion, see, this is weird because sometimes people call a spring onion, a chive. It's the same thing. A chive is just a tinier spring onion. I didn't know that. Okay, it is. It's just a type of it. You know what I'm talking about green onion. Yeah, sorry, or green onion. They can be called the same thing. Green onions, spring onion. Spring onions, green onions and onions. I thought a green onion was a scallion. I feel like it can also be called that.

There's like very many. It can't be eight things? Yes. Also, are ramps in the mix? You guys heard of ramps? I've heard of ramps. A ramps is a difference. It's a ramp and a chive.

These are the things that a chive, I could not tell you what it looked like. Oh, it's like a teeny. It's a tiny little, it looks like a, okay, if you can picture. And you're behind a mirror. Yes, I'm behind a two-way mirror. And they're lined up. Yes. It's onion, onion, onion, bonitia del Toro, onion, onion.

Can I hear number four say I'm a chive? be inches tall. I can't tell you what a chive looks like because in the Philadelphia cream cheese, there are chives. I'm going to do this. I'm going to show you that. That's right.

Many chives. But here's the thing. But I believe chive is an onion family. I could be wrong. So to say chive and onion feels a little redundant. And were you expecting to see chunks of actual onion like a white onion? Is that what you're talking about?

God damn I was. All right? And if they were in the same family, all right, someone has been abducted because here is Brother Chive. Where is Sister Onion? Sister Onion is nowhere. And I'll tell you, you buy it, you buy it.

And on the box is a beautiful picture of a white or perhaps yellow onion. Oh, interesting. Okay, so that is misleading. That is misleading. And I open it up. And I'll tell you, I went through, I did one layer. No, plenty of chives, plenty of little green chives, no onion. I ended up emptying the whole thing out.

Because I thought maybe it's like a chin. That got a gasp from bird. Is it Chinobi? What's the yogurt? Chobani. Chobani, fruit on the bottom. Right? I thought this might be an onion on the bottom situation.

Oh, that's how that sounds appealing to me. You have to mix it up to get all of the flavor involved. Yes. It was not there. Okay. So, Kathy, I'm going to give you that false advertising. If there's a picture of a chib and you see chive, great, there's a picture of an onion and you need to see an onion.

In my mind, onion to me, though, implies flavor, flavoring of the onion. And I, me personally, I don't want to dip into something and get a chunk of onion. That's just me. Well, Joan, we don't live in your head and your world, okay? Kathy just got in my face. All right. Kathy just got right up in my face. I don't want to scream at anyone, all right.

Wow. Yeah, I get you. Special K, special K, chill out, chill out. God, it is so fun and cool. To be fair, I understand where Kathy is coming from me. Because this is, this is Special K's one big gripe here. and you're saying actually I don't want that. But if you listen, I began by saying I understand what you're saying.

I understand what you're saying. I understand. He'll never listen to that. Yes. Well, I understood the beginning. I was all in on the beginning. And I just said for me, I can't relate to the anger. I appreciate it. I have empathy for it. I don't think that that's a good call.

All right. Fine. What do you got burnt? You go. I will say this. I do think it is outrageous when they put a picture of a whole, onion in the artwork. Yes, I agree. And they're kind of flying around in the Philadelphia sky. You know, the little sky that they have? Onions floating in the sky.

Right. I don't know about the little sky. You're talking about the pack on the inside? The package. I have to look it up. Philadelphia is like very sky oriented. It is very sky oriented. There's a lot of clouds and things.

I understand it's a place where the sky, there's more sky. There's a lot of, yeah. It's one of those cities that has more sky. That beautiful Philadelphia sky. I heard about that. I heard Philadelphia is in the quote-unquote big sky country. That's right. And here, just so you can see, this is the difference between a green onion and a chive.

You see how similar they are. They're in the same family. Chive is just skinnier. Wow. Do you see? So now there you go. Joan, you spoke the truth. Well, thank you.

And so there's a lot of different types of onions, but you wanted what was on the label. I'll show you a mug shot. Yeah, a mug shot of a chad. Chops about three inches, I think, based on the... This chived did time, that's for sure. Yeah, so I'm just, I'm just, I came on this podcast to kind of amplify my message because I want to build a coalition. Oh. Of people willing to go to Philadelphia and fight.

Oh, man. And you think the company. We got one. Hold on a second. You want people to take arms? Yes. I don't want that. Oh, well.

I don't know what the fighting looks like, all right? But I think if we show up at the Philadelphia factory with numbers and demand that they put onions and the cream cheese, we can enact real change. Okay. I have a couple of questions. Okay. Sorry, go ahead, babe. All right. Go for it.

Okay. I was just wondering. Go ahead. Do you think the Philadelphia factory has a little tinfoil thing that you peel off to get in? The roof or the door? Yeah. Yeah, either the roof or the door. Well, if it is.

I'm going to need bodies, Doug. I'm going to need bodies. I'm going to need bodies. Yeah, you need some body. Big foil thing right off the top of this place. But then it's resealable. It's kind of like, I think, like a big, like a football stadium, you know. Probably.

Right. Right. Right. For weather. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Now, I'm very quickly special. K.

I'm looking at a picture of Philadelphia cream cheese chive and onion. I want to see. And I don't, I don't see the sky that you're talking about. You don't see the sky? I think it's on the inside, right? It's going to be on the foil that's in the inside. Yeah, it's on the foil that's on the inside. Wait a minute.

I wish I could open up this picture. Something special K just said that because I said that. It did sound like that. Here's, I have a few questions, special K. Please. One is, did you get any responses to this post that you made? Oh, great question, Joan. I had, there were several people, I think, who thought I was joking or made some kind of was, was, was this was, I made this post in, in a humorous manner.

I can see that. You know, I immediately blocked those people because. because they're not true believers. Oh. I think some people did have maybe the empathetic, quote-on-quote, response that you provided to me, Joan, of like, well, I think they just mean flavor. And I think that when those posts came, I, like, I just saw red, much like when I screamed at you, because it just doesn't make sense.

Like, onion is a flavor, but if you're going to put chives in it, why don't you putting onions in it? I ask you to sit down. I ask you to sit down. Please sit down. Put down the vase. Okay. This is a very gorgeous vase.

Thank you. Great. Thank you. Great. One of my, that spring catalog was incredible. Oh, I agree with you. Sorry. So let's just chill out for a second.

Okay. Get worked up. I want to let's take us back in time. Okay. So when you first had Philadelphia, I'm so glad you're with me. Philadelphia cream cheese. Yep. Are there other, did you start?

How long have you been enjoying this product? Did you start playing? And then have you tried. any other flavors and do you notice the same discrepancy? You know, these are great questions. These are great questions because I think you're giving me the chance to defend my platform. All right, because when I had, of course I started playing. Of course I started playing.

Everybody started playing. I started playing block. Plain block. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. Yes, exactly. And I said, this is an incredible product.

It really is. These, I think that's our first experience. Everyone's first experience. It's so wonderful. It's incredible. It's so good. These people have mastered cream cheese. whatever that is.

Right. Then I tried strawberry. You guys had strawberry? It's so crazy because I was going to ask you first about strawberry. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's really wonderful. And even though I can't see the strawberries in it.

This is what I'm getting at. It's pink. It's pink. It's pink. So there were strawberries in it once upon a time. Okay. So then my question immediately then after is an onion is white. Hold on a second.

So it's, but I'm so close. I'm so close. I know. I know. The color pink indicates that there were strawberries in it at some point. In the journey of that cream cheese, strawberries were, I know what.

I know what plain cream cheese looks like. Sure. It's white. That's right. Right. We all know. So strawberry cream cheese is pink. Right.

Where does pink come from? Strawberry. So. So. So we're all on the same page. I mean, that checks out. In a way. But my question.

is you. Get in here, man. I can't believe you guys never let Doug in here. He's coming on occasion. It's his choice. It's his choice. He likes to record in a different room every time. Of course.

My question then is, why he stays busy. Doug stays busy. The chive and onion cream cheese is, the base is white. And the onion is white. So why don't you also make the same assumption? Oh, I'm okay with that because it's white,

just like the strawberries. Hey, there are onions in here at some time? Hold on a second. What? Wow. And I think I'm, I'm, I'm, But I think I know what you're going to say. Can you actually move this vase away from me?

Let me get it. Let me take it. It's a heavy barrel. It's very healthy. Onions are not pure white, so white that they can fade into the cream cheese. Is that what you were going to say? Very much so. It depends.

If they're raw, they are absolutely white. Okay? They only become a little translucent if you cook them. You caramelize them, then they become brown. Let me, they, they're pimp around. They become brown. Oh. You caramelize them, they pimp around.

Can I, can I actually introduce something? Please. That I think was another hill that I died on. Oh. And really, I think, has had kind of catastrophic. I've never heard someone put that in the past tense. I did die on the hill. Either died in it or went down the hill and decided not worth dying for it.

Well, I mean, it's part of the reason I moved to Dignity Falls, which was that the issue that came up in another part of my life. Oh, interesting. And I feel like in this moment, as I have this conversation, Joan, as you kind of scream at me. Okay. Now, wait a minute. Am I the one screaming? This objection. Like, I think I, I just, just to make sure that I'm, I'm not in like, you know, surrounded by the enemy.

You're not, you're not special K. Hey, special K. Oh, God. It's so cool and fun when you say it. What an enemy. You guys know blue raspberries? Well, the flavor, I'm aware. Not personally.

But, Doug. That's my. That's my man. Well, you guys know, have you guys ever seen a blue raspberry? I personally have not. I don't know. Oh, Byrne's going to go with that. He's going to abstain.

He doesn't know. Am I thinking of, I didn't, you know what? I'm going to say no because I didn't know they were a thing. Well, I don't think they are. Oh, what are you talking about? Okay. Tell us. Educate us.

I sees. These things are filled with blue raspberries. That's okay. I see. And yet when I go to ask, can I get a blue raspberry? Because I enjoy that flavor so much. Right. Sure.

I enjoy that. flavor so much in the icy and the jockey ranchers. I go to my local supermarket and I say, can I get some blue raspberries? Yes. Because I really enjoy them and I like that. And they tell me that they don't have them. And then I'm on top of

the checkout land screaming. Right. Sure. Bring out the blue rassas. Well, because nobody, everyone keeps, nobody's listening to me. And are you, are you gliding along Jamiroquai style? Yes, because I think they're trying to turn it on to make it so that I can't stand on it. But I have

great balance and I'm saying show me the blue raspberries and they are not bringing them out here. Well, did they ever say to you it's because they don't exist? Yeah, of course they did. Oh, they did. Well, but what flavors the Jolly Rancher? What flavors the icey? That is an art. It's there something called artificial flavor? What the fuck

are you talking about you? No, no, no. Oh God, he went all the way over and grabbed the vase again. You have to put the vase down. Please put the vase down. You didn't put it far enough away by byrne. I didn't think he was going to come all the way over here. Okay, okay. All right. Now, now the special okay. For these candies, for these sort of fun consumables, they do make up flavors.

How? With what? With artificial color. Yeah. Color. They just call it whatever they want and then they color it whatever they want. It's just chemistry, really. It's really just chemistry.

Have you ever had a grape like a red grape? Yeah, of course, a delicious red grape. Sure. And then have you ever had like a grape popsicle and did it taste the same? Do you think they taste the same? They tasted similar and it was purple, much like the grape from which it was birthed. Yeah. Okay.

Watermelon. I love watermelon. Now, watermelon flavored things. Yes. Tastes nothing like actual watermelon, which is just wet pink. Yeah, I'm very familiar with. Yeah, there's some discrepancies, but I'm assuming that just happens in the factory, you know? No, it happens.

It happens on purpose. Yes. Because everyone knows watermelon does not have a strong enough taste of its own. So we really got to invent the flavor of watermelon for watermelon flavored things. And maybe there could be an extract sometimes of a certain flavor, but there's always a lot of sugar added. There's dyes added. Additives added.

Okay. And I don't want you to get mad about the word additives, please. I'm not going to get mad. I'm not going to walk with you guys, right? I'm going to come down from my perch on Truth Mountain. Okay. And I'm going to come down to whatever world you're living in. All right.

I'm going to walk with you judgmental. I'm going to walk with you for just a second. You're telling me that some in it, at the Philadelphia cream cheese factory, good, honest people who have an incredible product. I mean, I can't speak to their character. You're telling me they're adding fake onion to give it onion flavor. In fact, what you just said, onion flavor is what you might be able to see actually written on the back of it.

Yes. Onion flavoring or. I'm sorry. I didn't. I tore the package asunder in search of onion bit. and I could not find it. Onion bit. So there was nothing to read afterward.

Can I really quickly establish? So this incident that happened with you on the conveyor belt, is this why you had to leave that town? Yeah, yeah, because it was a small town. And I kicked someone in the head while I was up there screaming about blue raspberry. Oh, yeah, that's not good. And, you know, they didn't want to, they barred me from the council meetings. And it just wasn't a good vibe.

Okay. And then you came here, but I'd like to know a little bit more about special K. What do you do for a living? Do you have a family? Do you have a partner? Yes. I'm a, I do automotive accident lawyering.

I'm kind of in that world. Uh-huh. And that's what they call it. Yeah. Automotive accident lawyering? Yeah. Yeah. It's a really exciting field.

Wait, are you the way by when I was a jingle? Automotive accident lawyer. Is that you? That's me. Remember? Yes. Yes. Because I don't, I don't, I don't.

I was worried. that some people would look, Google my face if I, that came up. So, yes, but I am the accidental automotive lawyer. You had the bus ads where your number was 0-0-0-0-0-0-1. That's right. And the problem was you couldn't get past the first

zero because it would automatically call the office. Yes, it's been tough. I've been trying to break in to this dignity false market for a minute now. But that was I want, you know, you want a local number, you want You want something that stands out on a billboard. And I was like, big, let's go all zeros.

And it was very catchy. Yeah, it was. Yes. And I think people have, people come up to me on the street and they say, I really want to work with you. I just don't know how to call you. And then I say, I have an email. Yeah. I have an email.

Oh, what's your email? At gmail. At hotmail.com. People keep telling me they're getting the mailer demon. But I can see the problem with that. I'll tell you two things I hated. It's going to people spam. Philadelphia cream cheese on you to chive in a goddamn mailor demon.

Wow. I hope they never team up. Yeah. God. Help us all. Yes. I have some explosive information. Oh, no way.

I wonder if it's the same information than I have. Oh, wow. Did you look up the ingredients? I did. Okay. First of all, I looked up all angles of the packaging. Don't look it from every angle. I tried to see that.

that sky. Okay. First of all, we'll start here. There's a full half an onion stuck in the cream cheese on the cover. Yes.

There's no sky that I can see. Okay. Okay, maybe I made that up. You're not seeing sky. I will, I think maybe I made it up. Okay. I appreciate that.

That's, hey, you know what, special. I think that's progress. Thank you. No one's reached the very top of Truth Mountain. Not yet.

But I'll tell you, I'm very close. We're all always hiking up there. Exactly. Yes. I'm taking the gondola. Can I reveal a bombshell about the ingredients? Can I reveal? Oh my gosh.

Can I talk? There's too many bombshells. There's a lot of bombshells. What's happening? I'll let you say the ingredients. Are you going to say to the same time? Can I say the marketing? Sure.

Say the marketing sticker. Okay. Say the marketing sticker. Philadelphia stays deliciously real. No artificial preservatives. No artificial flavors. Wow. Following that.

Hang on. Hang on. Okay. Key ingredients. Okay. pasteurized milk and cream whey protein concentrate yum

third ingredient dried chives and dried onion there you go bombshell so now that means a special K has reached the top of Truth Mountain because if they're saying there's dried onions in there

you can't find a physical onion no onion is so dry that it can't be found wait a minute burnt that's welcome to the coalition If you go to my spice rack. Me, you and Doug, we're going to Philadelphia. Wait on, let me explain. All right, John.

If there's, if there's any, if you go to any spice rack, okay, you go to mine right in the kitchen, right here. Okay. You're going to see onion powder and you're going to see onion salt, right? And I think that is basically, that's what it's sort of like a freeze dried onion. It is still real onion. But you can't see it once it's mixed in. I don't think it's a lie. You're saying that dried onions are the same thing as onion salt or onion powder.

because salt and powder. I'm saying they're very similar. So, Joan. You guys are, now you're both. Now you've got the vase. Put the vase. Hey, if we start, I will smash this face. Wait, wait, wait.

Please don't look in the vase. That's all I'll say. Don't look in it. No, just please don't. Look in the vase. It's just an empty vase. What's in it? There's a bunch of raisins in there.

Don't look. Oh, my God. This thing is packed with a raisin. No wonder is so heavy. Oh, God. I throw out the raisins sometimes because Joan puts too much in the food. Oh, my God. Okay, fine.

I already. Guys, I got super trolled for putting raisin to my spaghetti once, and I didn't do it except for like maybe a few times at like picnics. I didn't know that's what you were doing. It's disgusting. I feel if you put raisins in a lot of things. Well, there's a lot of things. You can't put raisins in.

I understand not to do it in pasta now. I'm with you, though, because I do think there is something. I feel like there's a fun culinary end to having a bit of sweet. I mean, tomatoes are sweet and acidic, a little bit of raisin. Like, it feels, and a little bit of texture there. Okay, sure. what you were trying to do. I appreciate that.

And maybe you just, you know, maybe we can work that out. Once you come with me to the Philadelphia factory, to fight the powers that be, you got to fight the power. Put me down. You got to fight the power. Special case, special case.

Let me down, please. Put me down. Sorry, Joan. Some fruit card up in that track. Oh, boy. But Joan, was a little bit fun. A little bit. Yeah.

It's fun to be lifted up. Go on. It's fun to be a light. It's fun to be a light. I don't want to stall on Truth Mountain because there's dead bodies everywhere. What? Okay. I don't think we have to, we have to explore every aspect of the mountain metaphor.

Yeah, maybe we can scale back on the goal for the season. All right. Okay. So I have to say that after all of this discussion, I'm completely with Kathy on this. Thank you. If you are purporting to have not only by image, but also by ingredient, physical onions in your product, and there's nothing in there because there are physical chives in there. I understand that. Do you?

Yes. We are going to smash a vase money today. Here's why it makes sense to me. He put his fist down on the kitchen island and it actually cracked the marble. And I'm very upset. You're going to be paying me back for that. That was impressive. It was.

Wait, me? Worth it. You did, burnt. I did that? Yes, I did that. Yes. No, you did it. Oh, my God, my hand is bleeding.

Exactly. I'll get a paper towel. Don't worry. Okay. Please be careful. Here, that happens with a lot of products. It's not just Philadelphia chives and onion, okay? That doesn't make it right, Joan.

I understand that. A lot of people murder people. But are you going to take on it? Everyone does that. Wait a minute. Where do we jump to murder for? Is the next logical... I think it's an apt, an apt place to be coming from.

Here's my other suggestion. Chives is a recognizable normal garnish for things, right? Okay. Chives is recognizable. Chives is recognizable. Onion, you don't necessarily get something with like a bunch of chopped raw onions. You better not go to Chicago and over hot dogs. I was going to say, Jim, have you ever been to a taco truck?

Okay. You guys are both putting me up in the air. You're pulling me different directions. This hurts. Catch, bur. Ow! Ow! Ah!

Ah! Ah! I'm going to take you to a taco truck. Put me down. All right. Okay. I understand. You're light as a feather.

Thank you. Oh, my God. Do you do Pilates? Like, what is your secret? Truly. Whatever. It's raisins if you're running a roof. Now, I'll tell you, if there was a cream cheese with raisins in it, I'd eat it.

Ew. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I did not. That was so involuntary. I do apologize. It sure was. You're going to pick him up now?

Maybe. I'm very dense. And I tell you, you've got really good, like your core. He's got very thick calves. I think my bones get thicker as they go down. My skull very thin. My feet never broken a toe. Wow.

You should be in a Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum. For real. If you guys ever been to those, I love a Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum. I haven't. No, we've discussed Ripley's Believe or Not on the show. Damn right, you have. And when I was a kid,

I was under the impression that believe it or not meant some of these are fake. so you can believe it or not and you're probably covered having deja vu. But I'm realizing, yes, we have talked about that. He just said that. But what I realized later in life

where they were saying, these are true, and if you don't believe it, that's your fault. Yes. Everything we're saying is true. I'll tell you, I can't tell if Ripley's

in Philadelphia are owned by the same people because it feels like, that's how I feel when I look at these cream cheese packages. I don't know what to believe or not. And I'm choosing to believe.

And here they are telling me, It's not. Because if they're lying about the onions, what else are they lying about? What else are they lying about? Are those really chives? Do you think pink means strawberry? It's not. Yes, is it in Philadelphia?

I don't, you know. That I do know. It has nothing to do with Philadelphia. Really? Philadelphia. Really? It's not from there. Yeah.

Well, that's Philadelphia. Like, in a larger sense? I mean, I know that. But like, why would they call it Philadelphia cream cheese? It's a good question, special, Kay. I don't know. Burr really knows a lot about Philadelphia, though, so I would trust him. And I'm going to look it up.

This is what's been hard for me about this, whole process, right? Is that I just love this cream cheese. I love their block cream cheese so much. And this first lie feels like I'm in a David Brown book. And it's just like, how deep does this go? Is the Pope Satan what like, if this isn't true? It's a full, well, don't you, but you understand that my whole world has been shaken, right?

I do. My whole world. Yes, I understand. Is the Pope Satan sounds like one of those, uh, you know, You know, there's the Pope Satan. That's right. Do you want another drink? Do I like cream cheese?

Does a hobby horse have a hickory dick? Oh, I'm sorry. Doug. Doug, this is a, I thought this was a family show. We pick up women and toss them, but we don't go there. That's as far as I'll ever go. Oh, is it? I love that one.

Hickory dick. Hickory dick. Hickory dick. Hickory dick. All right. Then let me, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have to ask a question. You said, do you, okay, when you were first trying the

chive an onion cream cheese. Do you think it's delicious? It's amazing. Okay. So here's my question. It's my favorite cream cheese. Okay. So that's my question.

Could you just kind of get past it because you love it? And if it's so bothersome that it doesn't have real onion and I understand it's less about actually having onion it more about the principle and the promise. But you could always just chop up some onions. Put them in there. You could just add to it. You can make it your perfect crutches. I can't sign off on that.

Oh, boy. I think that they are, what we're talking about here is a principle. I just said that. I just said that. Joan, my Apple Watch is telling me that the decibel level in this room is extremely loud. I have been tossed around by all, okay? I have been yelled at. You enjoyed it.

Not the yelling out part. I'm just saying. You did have fun being tossed around. We can toss around again. I am trying to find solutions. Could you? Yes. Here, Joan.

Here we go. Ho! Ho! Ho! Hip! To me! Oh, that's fun. Oh, okay. All right.

That's enough. I am just trying to find solutions. That's all I'm trying to do. I understand. Here's why. Because I really need special care to know that this happens with food across the board. So many things that are processed, so many things that are pre-packaged. There's a, it's not just Philadelphia.

So what are you going to do? When do we take a stand? Okay, but where are you going to go? We already know it's not Philadelphia. Did you find out where it is? Did you find out where the factory is? Sometimes sometimes people aren't looking for solicit. they want to be heard.

I guess, but Special Kee wants action. I want action. Special K wants a coalition. I want to believe. Any thought of what you're going to call it? You could just give us the acronym if you want. Yeah. I'll read this while you think.

Yeah, of course. In the late 19th century, Philadelphia was considered a premier source of high-quality dairy, making it a brand associated with luxury similar to modern perceptions of Swiss chocolate. Got it. So they chose the name Philadelphia because it evoked a dairy city. Oh, Philadelphia, dairy. Cream cheese from Philadelphia. And it was never produced in Philadelphia.

It was invented in New York. Oh, boy. New York City. Okay. I should have known that was coming. Get a rope. Okay. The name of my coalition will be, it'll be W.D.

here we go. O-A. W-D-O-A. Okay. What was this to stand for? Where to onion at? So me and the members of the W-D-O-A. W-D-O-A.

We hopefully will be able to start W-D-O-A trafters in cities across America. I mean, I'd like to see it. I think it's catchy and then you can be chanting that. Where an onion at? Yeah. We're at. Would you have, like, you know, the people in the Midwest have those cheese hats? Would you have onion hats?

I think so. Oh, okay. I think we'd have a big onion hat and we'd be armed. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't know if you need to get armed. Why? No, because I think, well, I'm taking a lot from, I think, the groups that I have seen be impactful, the nation of Islam.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Okay. The Black Panthers. Which seems to work. That's true. Big guns. We're all going to wear onion hats.

I might argue that the stakes were a little higher in those situations. This is just about... Oh, you think this isn't as important? Well, I don't think it warrants weapons. If they'd stayed committed, maybe there would be more... There would be onions in that cream cheese. Yeah, onion hats on. Exactly.

And I'm open, to your point, Joan, I'm open to a world. If they want to package an onion... You don't have to pick her up for this. Yeah, I don't know what's happening. We've actually kind of cradling me. He's actually just swaying me back and forth. That's why I didn't say anything. I'm a little jealous.

It's pretty great. I am listening, all right? I'm not so high on Truth Mountain that I can't come and meet you where you're at. If they want to package, if they want to give me a half onion, kind of like when you get like a take and bake where they have all the things you need to make the thing at home, if they wanted to put a half onion on top of every Philadelphia cream cheese and I chop it at home myself and put it on top to my liking, I. I'm open to that. You mean like sometimes you see in an airport is like a parfait or a yogurt that has a little pre-packaged granola above it. Now that's a good idea. It's not dissimilar from my idea.

It's like a lot. It is your idea. I'm saying, Joan, I'm open to that. But I will not. I will not pay an additional fee to buy my own separate. They should also include a little blade. You chop it up.

Yeah. Oh, kind of like the spoon. Like as good fellas. Yeah. The garlic and it nice of small so it melts into the. Well, do you think that's what it is? Oh, my God, Doug. This changes every...

Did you just blow this wide open? Is it a good fella situation? So they have so finely cut the onions, the dried onions. Uh-huh. That they have dissolved into the cream cheese. Whoa. That could be it. I never even thought of that.

Wow. Maybe I don't need to get guys in onion hats with a salt rites. Maybe you don't. Maybe I don't think so. Maybe they're just cutting it so thin and it dissolves. Yeah. Also, you can put me down now. Oh, thank you.

Wow. Maybe onion is everywhere. Maybe. Okay. Well, I mean, maybe onion is everywhere. Doug. Well, if it's so finely ground, then it's just in the air. I know.

What? No. No. In the air. I took it too far. You took it too far. Okay. I'm glad that you noticed that.

I'm glad you noticed that. Oh, guys. Well, I think that we actually made some progress. I think we did. You're welcome. That's what the show is all about. Good. I'm so glad. God damn. See, we talk about the issues in this neighborhood. That's right. And then sometimes we can resolve something. And it's a good feeling. It's rare. It's rare. Dude, I'm so glad I jumped up on that cash register and kicked that senior citizen in the head. I had to move to dick left off all right. God, this is where I'm supposed to be. Okay. Okay. And, and also, is there anything? I mean, now that everyone is listening, do you want to give them a better way to get a hold of you if they have an accident or an injury or if they need a lot? lawyer? Yeah, of course.

Of course, you can always call me at my number 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-1. But that is your cell? Don't you have a cell? Do you have a different phone number? No, I only do a landline. Okay, okay. Because they're listening, Joan. You know they're listening.

All right. Okay. If you want to get in touch with me via me, email, again, that's at g-mail at hotmail.com. And then, of course, if... You have a website? Yes. it is H-T-T-P Colin slash slash W-W-W-T-H

Oh Oh wait a second Wait a second Yes well you have to stand out It's a crowded market Fair sure And I think it just It invites intrigue

But if you don't know Is something about accident or injury Are you done with it? I think some Ws need to be in there too No that's the whole thing Oh that's the whole thing It ends in a colon I don't

I don't know I'm not sure that I'm not sure that's going to work as a link. Yes, but of course, Do you have a physical office somewhere? We do. Yes. Yeah, next question. We're over on 212 Woodrow Wilson Lane. Great.

Yeah. There you go. So stop by. Stop by. Come on in. If you're in an automotive accident and you need lawyering, I'm your man. Okay. Special K.

Okay. Special K. We wish you the best of luck. We really do. And thank you so much. For coming on the show, I'm so glad that we could come to a satisfying conclusion on this. I'm going to go. I'm going to call Philadelphia.

I'm going to maybe see some videos. And once I see the little knife that's cutting the onion so thin that it disappears, everything will be good. And if it's not, get your onion hats on, grab your guns and I'll see you in the streets. Oh, okay. I think so we were so close. If only Mr. Rogers, we're still alive to show us video of these onions being chopped up so finally. That's what we need. You lift us too soon.

Much too soon. All right. Well, thank you so much, special K. Of course. We'll be back with more Neighborhood Listen when the Neighbord Listen comes back. Hi, my name is Dory. I have an authentic Chopard, Happy Diamonds Ring, Size 6, Worn Once, absolutely gorgeous. For 2,200, Elegant 18K, white gold ring with heart design and floating diamond.

I mean, it's a little awkward to share. this, but I bought this ring for myself because I was going to propose to myself because I have not had good relationships and I decided this year I'm going to invest in me. I'm going to invest in me. And so I'm my favorite person in the whole entire world. So I just thought I'm going to get myself a gift and I'm going to commit myself to myself for eternity through everything, sickness, health, all of it, good times bad. And it turns out I, um, I'm not a good partner to myself. I annoyed the hell out of myself.

Like, the honeymoon period was really short. Okay, you guys, it lost it one day because I've only worn it once. And then I was going to give it back to myself, but then I'm like, does that even make a difference? So come get it. I just hope that I can get the cat. I mean, I bought it for $40,000, guys. So, like, $2,200 is, like, basically a seal. But don't steal for me.

Again, welcome back to the neighborhood. listen. Wow. That was really something. Are you tired? Because you helped you toss me back and forth. I am. No, honestly, Joe, I can't believe how light you are. It's like, it's like nothing. Hopefully, whatever. I'm just, I'm, I'm really, I feel very, um, satisfied that we're able to resolve something. Yeah, it's a really good feeling, and it makes me realize how rare it is. I know I already said it, but it really, really is. Most of the time, we are just hands up in the air. We don't even know what to say by the end. Most of the time we're saying, good luck with it. shrug.

Yes. This time we were saying good luck and we really meant it. We really meant it. I wish him good luck. Now, he did say if he cannot see video of them or any kind of proof that they're chopping the onion. So finally that it dissolves. There was that last minute thing he said that was not great.

He will raise an army. I sure hope he doesn't. I hope he doesn't do that because they're not going to take him seriously in the onion hats and then a lot of people are going to die. Oh, yeah. It could be awful. So I hope that that's not going to happen. I hope that that's not going to happen.

How's it going in the room bay? Or I guess it's outside? Is it half outside, half inside? I'm so confused. It's half outside. Oh, okay. So you've got the sound effects ready. But now I'm reconsidering building a Truth Mountain as part of this.

And what happened? What would happen there? Is it like Chaco Mountain? You're slowly climbing up. Maybe there's like a quiz along the way. A quiz? If you don't tell the truth. Did you say Chaco Mountain?

Yes, that's one of the, it's a track on my, a Mario Kart. And it's basically, you know, a chocolate mountain. That's fun. I'm really not well-versed in Mario Kart at all.

Mario Kart is so fun. It's real. I enjoy it. I know. I thought against it for a long time, but, um, we got so into it as a family.

We did. I got seatbelts for all of us. So we'd sit around. He made it so like the, yeah, we did it on massage chair so that they would vibrate, you know,

and sort of react to the, 40X or whatever. Yes. And you know, you can actually play with people all around the world. you're racing against people all around the world. Yes, you can join games where people are racing you all around the road.

Now, the last time I played a Mario Kart derivative, you go into, you're in space at some point. Yeah, there's always in the Rainbow Road. Yes. It's scary to me. It's so scary. Burnt, I am with you there. It made my stomach drop. No, it's hard.

It's very hard to do the Rainbow Road in space. It's not meant to be here. It's hard to do the Rainbow Road in space, for sure. There's no, there's no railing. No, it's very disorienting. It's very upsetting. You're flying. Yeah, you're just, well, you freeze.

You freeze. You know. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the little marshmallow guy comes over, or the little cloud guy comes and picks you up and puts you back on the track. Oh, I don't like it. I don't like it.

What if you come back with a space virus? You know what you could always do? There's a kid sort of a feature you can put on where it's a little hook on the back of your cart so you can't fall off. It's nice. You might enjoy that. That is nice. I'm not a child, though. All right.

Joe, we have time for one more post. Yes. And this is in the for sales section. Okay. This is someone named Errol posted this. He's selling selling something. Like Errol Flynn. But only one are.

So like Errol Morris. Oh, who's Errol Morris? The documentarian. Oh, okay. Yes. Thought of war. He's selling Bet Midler, a view from abroad autographed. Oh.

There's a hard cover book by Bet Midler. It's a memoir. Uh-huh. And it's signed. And there's a picture of the cover. Can I see it? Sure. Okay.

Yeah. Beautiful cover. Beautiful cover. And then there's a signature on the inside. And then how much you think he's asking for this? Oh, no. First of all, I'm insulted and offended that he's getting rid of it because that is a treasure and she is an icon. And it should be passed down to another generation rather than sold.

Just, so I'm going to guess, oh no. The way that you ask that question makes me think he's like way over asking. But then it makes me put a price on Bet Miller, which I can't do. She's, she's priceless. The divine miss him. But I'm asking you because you are a musical theater person. I know. And of course you're well versed in the cabaret world as well.

I know. And Bet Miller strides, she stands astride those two worlds. I know. So you're going to say $50? Yeah, but that's not my, that's not what I would price it at, but that's my guess. What would you price it out? I wouldn't. I would never sell it.

Priceless. Yeah. You'd put it in a glass case. Correct. Just like the rose from beating the beast. That's the only famous glass case I know. What did the rose? Why was it in the, what did the rose?

Remember the witch, the witch came and asked for shelter from bitter cold. Right. And then repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift. She offered a single rose. Oh, he was a prince. Yes, he was a prince and he was really handsome and he was a dick. He was like, you're too gross to come in your own rain. He was like, disgusting.

Yeah. And then she was like, but here's a rose for you to a rose. Prince said, it arose. And he was like, go away. And then she said, oh, well, all right. You know, here's the problem. I can't remember if he took it or not. Yes, he did.

He must have. No, no, no, here's what happened. Here's what happened. I remembered. Immediately, she turned him into a hideous beast because he refused her. And then she turned into a beautiful princess, a beautiful enchantress.

That's what it is. That's the word. A beautiful enchantress. Was this a setup? Probably. She goes around and she wants to teach people lessons. Because if you're magic like that, make an umbrella.

You know what I mean? What's your problem? She wanted to teach him a lesson. So she said, here, we're going to put a row. No, he needed to be taught a lesson. He's probably been talked about in town. He had a rep. He totally had a rap.

And she was like, I'll go take care of it. Actually, no, she was like, I'll go take care of it because she's beautiful. I'm beautiful. And then, that's right. And then only two types of women. Only two types of women. Only two types of women according to the movies. You need to stop the witch voices.

Oh, I'm sorry, babe. It really scares me. No, really? Yeah. Come on. Doug. Because you can't jump. It's a guy.

It's scared you, Doug. Dear. Oh, I got a dear. I guess I should stop. Wow. Really? No witch voice. Never, never knew.

You know it scares me when you do that. Is it because you can't see us? Like if you could see us, would it be less scary? It's a good question. No. Okay. Just as scary. I feel like maybe we've talked about it, but it's been a while.

So we need to get into that later. But let me just finish the idea. Yes, please. She says, here, we're going to put it under a glass no. Dome. Not gnome. I know it sounds like I said, no. A glass dome.

And you have to, you can reverse the curse. Only if you can fall in. true love and someone loves you back and before the last pedal falls. Right? So it slowly starts dying. You know what I mean? I think that's why he puts the glass driver to save it and try to make it live longer. He could put it in water

but I guess it's an enchanted. Do you anybody ever try talking to this guy? You know what I mean? Why didn't have to be this extreme? I assume this was the last resort. I assume this was the last resort. They were like down at the pub. They're like, what are we going to do about this guy? Do you think the witch was paid to do this? Like they recruited her? Like, look we, this is a last resort. Could have been. Could have been. They could

have called her in it. By the feast. likes it. It's probably her thing. Of course she does. Yeah, she gets off on it. You know, it's like people who do parking enforcement. Yes. It's a hateful job. Yes. You have to have some love of it. You must love doing it. Ruining people's days. Why else would you do it? How much money could it be? Do you think it's one of those secretly

high paying jobs? It could be. Because it's such a despicable thing. It must be. Yeah, the parking meter maids in town have started wearing masks. Why on earth when you give people just freebies all the time? Yeah. Fear of parking. I know.

Were you just like, you go back at the end of the day like, they all did it right? Weird. All right. Babe, I will not do the witch voice again for season 10 because we wanted to be sensational.

And how you have, you still have to tell me how much he's charging for this. Now this is a book that's just got a signature that he says. Okay. It's Bet Midler's signature. Yes. No, there's no personalization of it at all.

I understand, but it is autographed. There's no further message. Okay. Just bet Midler. Yes. $125. Stop it. Well, that is dumb.

That's just dumb. That's what I thought. Now, look, I am not the biggest bet. I have nothing against Bet Midler. I'm certainly not her biggest fan. But that. I don't know. It's her to not judge people.

I don't think she's like. one of the greatest things to ever happen to our life. Okay. All right. I don't know what to do with that. One of the greatest things to ever happen to our life. I said what I said. But $125 seems steep for a used book that is autographed.

I agree with you. I agree with you. Because that book probably, if you look on the back jacket, probably costs $25 or something, right? He's bumping it up a whole $100. And here's the thing that makes me think. Please. Oh, something he needs to go, hmm.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I think he might have autographed himself. Well, Joe, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Because you know what? Because you know. Would never. She always would put a little thing. Also, it's written like horizontally, like vertically.

It's written really lazily. It's written very lazily. And she would not have done that. It's also at the very top of the fly leaf. I think that he did that. I mean, I don't want to get into sort of analyzing her signature. Because you can copy the signature. Of course you can.

Yes, of course you can. Can you? Why is Wikipedia have people's signatures on there? For this exact reason. So that what's his name? What's his name? Aerole with one R. Can't can't grift everybody here on this app.

It's not what it's for. Can't grift everybody here on this? No, he thought 150. And then he was like 130. Yeah. If I hit 125, that nails. It won't sound too much. I can't think of someone who I admire,

whose signature I would pay that much money. Not even Richard Gear. Really? Yeah. Oh. Maybe. Maybe if he said something, if he said something, if he said something about arbitrage. I had started the ball rolling on that.

But now I'm going to, I'm going to just call it off. If he had signed it, Richard Gear from arbitrage. Oh. I might be tempted. Okay. All right. Well, then I'll see what I could do. Well, I mean, how do I know you're not forging it?

There will be proof. How can you prove this? It's not, listen. I will tell you when you tell me what this incident's going to be. Okay? How about that? Fair enough. Yeah, fair enough.

That's what I thought you'd say. I think we're in good shape, though. I think the incident will be averted. So cryptic. Well, that's good to know. Learn from previous mistakes. Okay. All right.

I'll take your word for it, I guess. Can't do anything else. I'm sorry we didn't talk about Romeo and Julienette more. Well, I'm sure I'll have an update next time. But that does it for this episode of the neighbor. Listen, if you would like to hear, ad-free versions of the show or get access

to our bonus content. Go to CBBWorld.com. Sign up on the Maximist here. And you will get those delicious goodies. You heard it here. Delicious goodies. I wish I hadn't said it. And I think that does it. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week. And until then,

goodbye. And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced. by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. Today's guest was played by Lou Wilson.

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to CBBWorld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

Sterling Kay Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast. That was us now on HeadGerman. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.