The Neighborhood Listen - Conspiracy Theories + Strong Sperm with Mary Holland

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

This week on TNL, Joan reveals her cocktail of the day, Burnt divulges some conspiracy theories and Larry (Mary Holland) joins the show to express stress about his strong sperm and Ancient Aliens!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Look out, Canadian listeners, this one's for you. Coho is a mastercard with an easy-to-use app that makes managing your finances easier. Coho lets you earn cash back, borrow, build your credit history, and so much more. Join over 1 million Canadians and sign up for your free trial today. Download Coho on Google or App Store today or koho.ca for more details. Plus, for any basketball fans out there, get a $75 e-gift card for nbastore.ca when you sign up with the promo code koho75. That's code koho75. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is.

All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest is Mary Holland. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor.

Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHap app and us. Bird. And Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well.

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in welcome once more to the neighborhood listen your look at the neighborhood of dignity falls i am burnt me a payday and i'm joe pedestrian maybe you could say your listen at the neighborhood of dignity falls right because it's a podcast oh did i say your look yeah but i just and i wasn't it wasn't a criticism but i just thought it was a fun i didn't think it was sort of a piggyback yes i understand uh so you're saying uh because we call the neighborhood listen instead of the neighborhood watch that we should also say this is your listen at the neighborhood of dignity falls this is your listen to two yeah this is your listen to well now it sounds like i don't know how to speak properly and that i should be saying you're

listening to instead of saying you're listened to and then I sort of sound like all flowers for Algernon, and people might think that I have a problem with my brain. Oh, no. That is a lovely play, though. So sad. Now, what are you drinking today, Joan? Today, I'm just drinking a little bit of vermouth, a little bit of toothpaste, a shot of cayenne. I call it the whoopsie daisy. How did you arrive?

Have you run out of other alcohols? I've run out of mixers. I've run out of mixers, and it is a problem. You've run out of mixers. All you have left is vermouth. Well, I don't count vermouth as a mixer. I mean, if it doesn't have alcohol, to me, it's a mixer. I see. I see.

I see. But I'm out of my seltzers. I'm out of my ginger beer. I'm out of my La Croix. I'm out of my hydrogen peroxide. I'm out of my... Alberto Vio 5. I'm out of my Alberto Vio 5.

Oh, God, don't even talk to me about hair right now. I mean, I know everyone's got roots showing, but boy, oh, boy. I'm glad this is just an audible medium because it is bad. It is bad. Bern, can't you see? I can't see. I look like Elvira. Well, she had famously all black hair. Didn't she have one shock of white hair? No, she did not. Who am I thinking of? Are you thinking of Cruella DeVille? But she had a half and half. She had half black and half white. You might be thinking of the Bride of Frankenstein.

Had the two streets on the sides. Berthe, I'm not thinking of that. I know who the Bride of Frankenstein is. Thank you very much. Pepe Le Pew? Not Pepe Le Pew. Oh, hey, Doug. That's a skunk.

Hello. Here's Royce. Sorry, who? How you doing, babe? He's in the uh snooker room what the snooker room that's right you have a room devoted to snooker it was the pool table room when the twins were into it they don't play pool anymore um so we just doug prefers doug went through he's a very he's an angle file i don't know pool anymore um so we just doug prefers doug went through a he's a very he's an

anglophile i don't know if you know that he's he just loves that i did not know that he does he loves british things british treats uh cadbury chocolates you know what i mean when i used to go there every week every year sorry not every week oh god that's the cayenne talking um i used to go there every year for a realtor convention and I would bring him back all the Cadbury chocolates because you know it tastes different over there than it does here. And so we just sort of, you know,

he got into snooker. He used to watch it on ESPN 99. And so we just got him a snooker table. And it's smaller. Everything's smaller. So it's much better in the room. Well, it's very small. It's more of a toy.

But yeah, you do it with your fingers. How big is the table? I can't see it. Doug, are you standing in front of it? Is that why I can't see it? Oh, no, it's in my hand. Oh, there it is. Boy, that's very small for you to name the entire room after it.

Well, there's yeah. Well, that's very small for you to name the entire room after it. Well, there's posters of snooker, you know, famous snooker players, snooker trivia and like, like, you know, sort of like gag snooker gifts. That's all in the room. So it's a theme. Snooker gifts. OK. So Doug's Doug's love, Doug's love of Britain, all things Britain, runs the gamut from treats to Cadbury chocolate to snicker. That's as far as he got before just deciding he loved everything British.

But I can introduce to him some other things, you know, because I think that he'd love all of it. I just don't want to get involved in cricket because I think it's dangerous. Beer? We've added a fourth thing. Is that what you said, Doug? Beer? Oh, no. I said I'm all ears. But is beer a thing over there? Beer is a bit of a thing. They do enjoy it. He would enjoy that because they say, well, let's have a point. No, it's because he goes to these yearly realtor conventions in London, England. Yes.

And are there realtors from all over the world, Joan? All over the world, Bernd. And it's a week long. You wouldn't believe we have great workshops and great just some mixers at night. and great just some mixers at night. Even though real estate laws must be very different all over the world as they vary from state to state even, there's still enough common ground. Common law.

You wouldn't believe, you wouldn't believe, absolutely, how many similarities there are. And like I said, it's just a place to share ideas, you know? Like, oh, we call it an apartment. And then someone goes, oh, we call it a flat. And you're like, I would have never known that. You know? And I'm glad I traveled across the globe to learn that. And then it just makes the world smaller.

Do you know what I'm saying? It makes the realty world smaller. Certainly. Certainly. Certainly. So, you know, here in America, realtors are known for baking fresh cookies when they're showing a house. Well, I know I am. What are some of the other tricks that are used in different parts of the world?

Is there anything similar to that uh in moscow they uh they pump vodka through the uh vents uh so that when you come in you're saturated with sort of like a nice heavy musty potatoey alcohol like mist that sort of just you know emboldens you to to that offer. You know, and it works. It works. I have a friend. I have a friend. I'm sorry. I have a friend.

I made the convention last year. Ludmilla, who does that. And she's the top realtor in Moscow. And, you know, she says. So if you were to if you were interested in buying it. John, it works. I loved how she talked. I haven't I haven't perfected it yet.

But but, you know, if we if we're able to do our season at the community playhouse after we do. John, it works. I loved how she talked. I haven't perfected it yet, but if we're able to do our season at the Community Playhouse after we do Funny Girl slash Woke Lahoma, then maybe I'll do a checkoff play. Wait, so Woke Lahoma is back on the menu? I don't know. I don't know. I just have too much time to talk about it,

to think about it. And so now that I'm not doing anything... Oh, bless you, Bernd. Oh, thank you very much. That was so interesting. you sneezed into a hat yes I have a I have a I decided you know there was a hat that I was given one year for Christmas that I didn't like very much

and but I didn't have a heart to give it away and so I just oh there you go again a different hat oh there was the same hat I decided to make that my sneezing hat and uh uh so that it could serve some purpose sure because i'm never going to wear it i'm never going to wear it but i do feel like finally there's there's a reason for me to have this

maybe they're there but again i'm not religious but i am spiritual maybe there is a reason that i have this hat and uh and uh so whenever whatever i, so whenever, whenever I sneeze, I, uh, I use that hat to sneeze into. Got it. Uh, to your question, uh, just because I have so much time, I kept thinking, well, if instead of one play, let's do a whole season because I feel like when I'm done with this, I'm just going to want to get out there and get on stage. So maybe we do two musicals and a play because I've always wanted to tackle something serious, something like something I can get my teeth into. Mm hmm. So.

So, yeah, maybe Oklahoma's back on the table. OK, I see. All right. Well, that's interesting. This is going to be an exciting season if we if we're ever allowed to go outside again. Or I'll just perform them from my own home. Don't think I won't do that. People are doing that now.

I can play all the parts. People are doing, and you don't need, what's great for a play, for any kind of theatrical performance, you don't really need an audience. Do you know what I mean? No. They don't need to be there. No. And anyways, a lot of times you have a quieter audience, audience, sorry.

You have a quieter audience, and I always say you can't hear a smile. You do always say that, but now I have a context for it. All right, Joan, we do have to read some posts from NeighborHap. Of course, we gather posts about our neighborhood from the popular social networking website NeighborHap. And these are some of the citizens of dignity falls and what they're up to here's one this comes from yesi yesi writes this is the subject line lights in the sky oh yes he goes on to say i'm outside 8 25 p.m and i'm looking at the bright star. And so far, 23 little lights have appeared, traveled a little bit, going northeast, and they disappeared. I told my neighbor about it, and he freaked out like I did when he saw it.

And yes, he has enclosed a picture, which is just a picture of just some stars in the sky. Oh, okay. He enclosed a picture. Was this a physical post or is this? No, I'm sorry. Attached. I should say attached. Okay, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

Attached a picture. I thought that would be clear from context, but I guess not. I'm sorry, Bernd. I just, you know. That's quite all right. I hope that he told his neighbor about it from a safe distance, first of all. I hope so, too. Honestly, let me see the date on this.

I can't remember. I don't have the date. So this could have been before the quarantine. Oh, oh, okay. 23 specific lights in the sky. 23 little lights. 23 little lights in the sky 23 Little lights 23 little lights now here's what I think is happening If I may Well let me ask this first

Here's what I think is happening Is that we can see more stars now Because everyone's staying indoors And so the sky is clearer Doug and I have been stargazing at night Oh that sounds very romantic. Yes, and you know, three separate times he's done the thing where for Christmas or my

birthday, I get a star named after me. He's done this three times now? Yeah. You know, sometimes he has a hard time coming up with ideas, so I got three stars now. At least two times he's had a hard time. Yes. And so we go out and we look for

my stars. It's actually kind of sweet. And then we wait to see a shooting star and we make a wish. And if we don't do that, we just make a wish on a satellite. Are you allowed to do that? Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?

I don't know. Allowed? What's going to happen to me? I mean, you make do. You know what I mean? If there's not a shooting star, you got to use what you got. That's right. Use it up.

Wear it out. Make it do or do without. Put that on a T-shirt. I think somebody has. That's from, that was a slogan, I think, during the London Blitz. Oh, it was? Yes, that they would, that's where they were encouraging everyone because they lived in horrible desolation from German attacks. That they would say, stop complaining. This was, you know, because keep calm and carry on,

which we all know now. Of course. Was a rejected slogan back in those days. They did not actually use that. Really? They discovered it later. It was one that people said, no, I don't think this is good enough.

I think we really got to lecture people on what to do with the goods in their home. Oh, and isn't it sad then then they had no idea it would be just absolutely, you know, hijacked by silly things like keep calling chive on, keep calling rosé on. Now you love the chive. We've never discussed

this, but you love that website. Isn't that unexpected? You know what happened? I meant to look for the onion one day, and I couldn't remember. Because I'd heard they had funny make-em-up titles and things, and one of the kids had recommended it to me, and so I went on, and I just forgot.

And I went chive instead of onion, and that's how I fell in love with it. That's how I ended up on that website, The Scallion, because I couldn't remember what it was called. And then I joined their rewards program. Now I'm a scallionaire. Joan typed in green onion. She got so close before the chive. And then I imagine you probably got some Booker T and the MGs results.

It was mostly porn. When you typed green onion into the search bar, you got mostly porn. Yes, it was so weird. It was so weird. There's this guy who calls himself the green onion. I don't know. It seems like you choose a different vegetable to compare yourself to. Seems like you'd choose a different vegetable to compare yourself to.

I guess it's more about the length than the, than the, the, the, the, the, what am I trying to say? Circumference. Circumference. There you go. Girth is the word I was looking for. Burnt girth. Girth is the word. Have you thought about doing grease?

Oh, grease is one of my favorites. Oh boy. Yeah. But you know, after this quarantine, I won't be able to fit into those pleather pants. I'll tell you what. So we'd have to do that at the end of the season. I understand many of us terrified to put on any sort of garment that does not feature elastic right now. Oh, indeed. Hear, hear. So what were you saying you thought were happening with the 23 lights? We can see more stars. And what did you think this person saw?

Well, I think this person saw the stars uh you know at that time of night the stars appearing in the sky uh but here's oh you thought it was simply just stars he said i think there's just stars here's what i think is very curious he says i told my neighbor about it and he freaked out like i did when he saw it. So. Do the neighbors see it or is yes, he's saying, look, look to the neighbor and then the neighbor is looking up and then freaking out or is yes, he's saying this and then showing the picture. Oh, good question. I do feel like he was trying to corroborate this and actually we I think he's going, maybe people are going to think I just meant stars.

But no, no, I showed my neighbor and he freaked out too, meaning maybe it wasn't stars. Maybe it was, I don't know. There's always sort of that unexplained phenomena that happened in the sky, right? That's been coming out. I'm not a UFO believer. I don't know about you, Berndt. We haven't talked about that yet. I do believe that there must be life on other planets, but I do not.

I think they're exactly like us. Exactly? Yes. Like there's a podcast about the neighbor hap? Yes. I think they're exactly like us. No difference. Zero difference.

Zero difference. No one else has this theory that I'm aware of. They do not. I believe there are other worlds beyond our own and that they are all exactly like ours and everything is playing out exactly the same at the exact same time. So how do we know which one we're on, Bert? Ah, now we're getting into it. You're going to make my head spin around.

Oh, no. I don't want to do that. We better take a break. I don't want to make my head spin around. Oh, no. I don't want to do that. I don't want to make your head spin around. But here's the great thing is that we're obviously years and years and years away from being able to discover each other because our space travel is advancing at the same rate. So we won't have to worry about that. We'll be long dead. Goodness gracious.

So everyone else on these planets are in quarantine right now. That's exactly right. How wild, Bert. How wild. Well, I mean, it's my own personal theory. No one else subscribes to it or gives it any credence, but this is what I do believe with all of my heart and most of

my soul. Wow. Okay. Well, I love a man with conviction. Shall we take a break and then we'll come back with our guest? Joan, I think that's an excellent idea. And let's do exactly that right now. Hey, it's me, Adolph. Free.

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Welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. And Joan, it is time to welcome our guest to the podcast. It is. Are you going to read her post? Yes, I'll read it. This was submitted to us. It's not one we found, but submitted by someone named, a young lady named Natan Chamiki. Boy, there's no way I'm getting that correct.

Probably not. But that's okay. We're doing our best. Well, yeah. N-A-T-A-N-E is the first name. Natan? Natani? Perhaps.

And Chamiki. C-H-O-M-I-C-K first name. Natan? Natani? Perhaps. And Chimiki. C-H-O-M-I-C-K-I. Speaking of Greece, Chimiki. And this is submitted, this was posted by someone named Larry. And Larry, his headline is

Stop Flood of Facebook Ads. Larry goes on to write on Facebook. I am being inundated with all kinds of ads for different products or services, not knowing how things work on Facebook. I wrote personally to several of the ads to tell them to stop posting on my Facebook. One advertiser wrote back telling me while they have paid Facebook to advertise, they do not choose or have control over who gets their ads. And then I need to be in touch with Facebook. The one common word associated with these different ads is the word sponsored.

Does anyone know how I can stop all caps this flood of advertising? And here to talk more about that is Larry. Larry, welcome to the Neighborhood Listen. Who is sponsoring these ads? Oh, Larry, that's a little loud in our ears. Larry, you're coming in very hot, Larry. Coming very hot. Who's sponsoring them?

This is my question is, I get it. The ads come to me. They show up on my Facebook page. But who is sponsoring the ads that are then reaching out to Facebook that then come to me is what I want to know. Right. I understand. I think, yes, you're seeing the word sponsored and you're thinking, ah, these fools, they've exposed themselves. They've left.

That's right. That's right. What they're actually doing is just telling you this is an advertisement and somebody paid. I know it's an advertisement. You could say that the ad is the sponsor. No, I know it's an advertisement. I don't, you know

what gets advertised to me? Snuggies. Snuggies get advertised to me. Yeah. Like the blanket that you can wear? Oh yeah, I was thinking of the diapers. Oh, huggies? Oh, huggies. Or maybe there is a new kind of Snuggie, which

is a very large diaper that you wear. No. No. I don't have kids. I don't want kids. I've never even seen kids. Why are you getting kids? I thought perhaps it was like a slim fit diaper. You know, for babies on the slimmer side. Regardless.

Or for hipster babies. Nothing to do with babies. Why is Snuggies sending me underwear ads? I don't need them. And who's sponsoring it? Why are they advertising to me? I know it's an ad. I know it's an ad i know it's an ad can i ask you something larry do you watch television every night okay do you do you what program do

you watch ancient aliens okay great ancient aliens and so uh sometimes there's probably something called a commercial break right so you might see an ad for a car dealership or or perhaps a toothpaste have you have you seen something like that before that's part of the show oh no oh wait a minute so you must be very very confused no no i got you those are also ads ancient aliens mcdonald's no mcdonald's McDonald's? No. McDonald's? Wait, for Ford dealership?

No, that's all part of ancient aliens. In ancient aliens, yeah, they built the pyramids. Humans didn't build the pyramids. And then they went to McDonald's and got a snack. And guess what? They got two burgers for the price of one now. And you can go through there. Okay, but larry do

you see how on ancient aliens how there's all of a sudden a very different entirely different uh sort of narrative structure uh to the show they go from people just being interviewed about uh whether or not aliens built things that people of color built and then they uh abruptly shift into like uh uh someone in a car uh go going to the drive-thru at mcdonald's i know that's right that's why it's it's like it's ancient aliens they're crazy but they don't but do you notice how they don't in the mcdonald's part of the ancient aliens they don't refer to ancient aliens at all yeah well i'm, I'm not sitting here saying I'm in my house. I mean, Larry,

you've got me there. I'm beginning to think it's surprising that he's not looking at Facebook and just thinking an ad for Snuggies is part of the Facebook. But what I'm trying to explain to you, Larry, is that that McDonald's bit in H&M, that's actually also an ad for the restaurant McDonald's.

Have you ever been to McDonald's? I mean, we have them here in Dignity Falls. No. No, I don't leave my house because I can't because everyone wants to have sex with me all the time. So I can't ever leave my house. Really? Can't ever leave my house. Yeah, I can't walk down the street because everyone's always wanting to have sex with me.

Okay? What do they say to you? Well, they don't have sex with me. Okay. What do they say to you? Well, they don't have to say anything. All they have to do is, you know, I leave the house and they just want to have sex with me. How do you know,

how do you know they want to have sex with you? That's what I know. They're there. And they're sometimes I look at my direction and it's, you know, or they got sunglasses on to hide that they're looking at me and wanting to have sex with me. And I, you know, or they got sunglasses on to hide that they're looking at me and wanting to have sex with me. And I, you know, everyone out there is just an animal, just wants to, it's, it's all,

we're all animals, we're all primal. And so I go out there and I just know that as soon as I set foot outside my door, men, women, animals, they all look at me and think, now that is a man that's got a lot of masculine energy and good sperm counts. And I got to have sex with it. And so I just don't go outside. Well, now, how long has this been an issue, Larry? Yeah, mostly in the last six months. Oh, you mean like okay so it's when i've noticed it is when i've noticed it before that before that you hadn't noticed this happening but you started because

you're by saying notice it leads me to believe you think this has been going on for longer than you even were aware of well that's what i what I suspect. That's what I suspect. And, you know, I'm 79. No, you look great for your age. You look terrific. Thank you. And see, this is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about.

Oh, no, that wasn't me saying I wanted to have sex with you, though, Larry. Nor me. I think we were just saying that. I think you might mistake a compliment for a sexual proposition. And that's definitely not, like if someone says hello,

that's just them greeting you. That's not them saying they want to have sex with you. Okay, well what if someone comes up and they pass in your yard and they say, oh, nice grass. And they pass in your yard. Someone comes up and they pass in your yard. And they pass in your yard. They pass in

your yard. Someone come up and they pass in your yard and they say nice grass. And they say nice grass. And they say nice grass. I'm like, hey. For the listener, Larry is looking back and forth with a very confused expression.

Much like one of those cat clocks. I'm like, hey. I'm not having sex with you. It was exactly like one of those cat clocks that you would see. Larry's doing it right now. He's just staying, keeping his head in place, but shifting his eyes back and forth.

I just look. I found this app. I want to outsource this problem to my neighbors. How do you get Facebook to stop advertising to you? I'm not falling for any of it. Okay, Larry. I'm not falling for these tricks. Okay, calm down.

It's not a trick. What I want you to start doing is thinking of the Facebook ads as part of Facebook, just like you think McDonald's is part of ancient aliens. Meaning you just have to accept it. Oh, here's a post from a friend of a friend, Snuggies. You can't do that. Huh? I can't do what?

I can't. You're saying you can't. No. You're saying you can't do that. You can't. Because guess what? Because guess what? Because guess what? No one common word associated with these different ads is the word sponsored.

Yes. The word sponsored. That's right. That's where it really bothers you. Yeah. Yeah. Because that tells me that there's, there's a company behind the company behind Facebook.

That's trying to get at me and have sex with me. There's no, Oh, they want to have sex with you. I thought you just were bothered by the amount of ads. All of Snuggies, the entire corporation wants to have sex with you. Obviously.

That's why they keep advertising to me and they got someone to sponsor them to then send me ads because they want to get their Snuggies all over me. Do you think it's possible they just want you to wear the product? I mean, Doug has five Snuggies. He loves them. He's probably in one right now, aren't you, babe?

No, do you mean the Snuggie, not the Huggies, right? Yes, I sure hope you're not wearing any under any diapers so let me let me get this straight i can play snooker if i i put on a pair of pants you're telling me i'm not having sex with them oh you are definitely not having sex with them hold on if you if you do put on a pair of pants, walk me through. I'm sorry, Larry.

I'm asking. What is this? Yes. Go ahead. You put on a pair of pants. That's not sex? Sure. It is not.

Do you understand how that works? In and of itself, in and of itself, putting on a pair of pants is not sexual intercourse. No, it is intercourse. Much like is it? It's not sexual, but intercourse. Your genitals are going into something. But that's not. Doug, you're just confusing the issue, babe.

I'm sorry. The reason we have the phrase sexual intercourse is to differentiate sexual intercourse from other types of intercourse. Intercourse itself, the word, does not mean anything about gender. It's differentiated from absolutely everything else, frankly.

So... Huh? Larryry i'm sorry what's mental intercourse can you have mental intercourse right now no i'm not putting on a hat doug that's not that's not mental intercourse i appreciate you thinking outside the box on that one babe but but are you thinking of mental intercourse as in we're exchanging ideas and talking we are not having sex right now Larry we're not even having online sex right now

I would say this would be social intercourse can I ask this question big wind up have you ever this is going to be very This is going to be very... This is going to be crude, and I apologize. Oh, here we go.

But have you ever actually had sexual relations of... You take your body part and put it inside another person's body part, which is what we all generally believe as sex. Maybe not you, but you seem confused. Have you ever done that? Yeah, I've held

hands and I've put... No, no, I didn't say held hands. I escorted my mother at my wedding. Oh, I'm nervous. I escorted... Very happily for over 50 years. Larryry this is so this is well first of all congratulations that's wonderful this

news that is it is i would ask what's your secret and you'd say a good sex life but i don't really know what that would mean to you so maybe you just been putting on pants for 50 years. Yeah, never go to bed angry. Unless Facebook won't stop advertising to you, even though you've reached out personally to these companies and

asked them to stop. Right. Anyway, I put so many different body parts and other body parts. I mean, you name it. I've done 79 years old. I fought and I fought. Nom. What branch of the military, Larry? CIA. uh cia you just seem to be confused about a couple different things larry

so you fought in vietnam with the cia yeah i was i was out there i was in the shit, as they say. I was fighting hard. You know, so many, you got to, because in order for people to be able, I don't need to explain this. In order for people to be able to fight, they got to know where they're going and who they're trying to get. And that's what CIA does. Yeah, that's right. So we go in first. We go in first.

And then we tell everyone about the best places to be. And, you know. Oh, wow. And that basically is what the CIA does to this day. Right. I did not know. Just goes ahead first

and tells people where they need to be. The best places. I hope that the listeners will be able to cut through that military jargon. Larry, you've been married for quite a long time. You told your spouse about your concerns that everyone

is trying to have sex with you. Oh, yeah. She agrees with me. Including corporations. She agrees with me. Including corporations. She agrees with me. Look, if you... Coming out of the CIA, okay, a lot of people see it

as like, it's a glamorous job, okay? I'm an ex-military agent. And people see that, they hear that, and then people see that, they hear that, and then they see me, they hear me, and they just it's almost

like, you know, logic. I know that I can't have sex with a company. I know about sex. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I know I can't have sex with a company, but I'm saying that my sexual appeal is such that companies forget about logic and people forget about logic. And they just they just they want whatever I have to offer and they forget about if it makes sense or not.

Larry, I'm just going to show you this here. You see my iPhone screen. Do you see it? Yeah. Okay. So now you see I'm just going to show you this. Here, you see my iPhone screen? Do you see it? Yeah. Do you see it? Okay, so now you see I'm on Facebook and I'm scrolling. And look, there is an ad for Nordstrom. There's an ad for, you see, I'm getting ads too. Oh my God, they're trying to get to me through you. No.

Nordstrom is trying to, this is disgusting. Do you see how deep it goes? Do you see how deep it goes? It goes all the way to the top is how deep it goes. It's so deep it goes all the way up. I think you've been paranoid from your time in the CIA. Were you undercover

a lot? Absolutely. That is CIA. Here's what CIA is. Plus telling people the best places. CIA tells people best places. Best places. For war, yes. For war.

For war. CIA goes to other people and tells other people that's the best person. That's a good person. But you have to, in order to do that, you have to go, as they say, undercover as as the layman term is undercover. But we say that's best person. That's OK. So what we what we think of when we think of the term going undercover. Yes.

Is what is what the CIA calls that's best person. Right. Oh, that's the best person. I deal with prepositions's best person. Right. Oh, that's the best person. That's the best person. I don't deal with prepositions most times. Sure. I don't quite understand it, but let me ask you this.

Do you still have contacts in the CIA? Oh, no, no, no. I keep out of that stuff. Once I got out, because guess what? They want to have sex with me is what it is. Ultimately, you know, I got invited to like mixers and did like reunions of, you know, various classes. Like because it works like high school. All the classes of the CIA. And you got invited to all of them.

Well, I mean, I got invited to my years. Yeah. And, you know, but I don't go because I went once and I couldn't it couldn't even get a drink because everyone was. You guessed it. Had to beat him off with a stick. That's right. How are they making it known to you that they wanted to have sex with these people that you Oh, coming up, shaking my hand, saying it's so good to see me, you know

He said they just look at him and that means they can have sunglasses on And it still means that they want to have sex with him Well, that's right, that's right And, you know, my wife agrees with me Like, it sounds like you guys are thinking, oh, he's paranoid. He's shell-shocked. He's, you know, he's got a, he's, you know. You okay?

But I know about everything. You ask me anything and I can tell you all about it. Okay? I know about everything. That's why I'm a threat. And that's why, that's why everyone wants to have sex with me. It's because I'm a threat and I know too much. How, why everyone wants to have sex with me. It's because I'm a threat and I know too much. How, why would someone

want to have sex with you if you were a threat? That's also my question. You gotta get it out of there. I'm a threat. So how does having sex with you get rid of you? You gotta... I mean, I know that as a

woman in my early 20s that having sex with some guys immediately got rid of them. But how does it work for you? This further complicates for me deciphering what Larry thinks sex is. I know. It is very tricky to nail down. We've got everything

from a handshake to eye contact behind sunglasses to a pair of pants. All sex. And believe me, my wife is very satisfied. Yeah, yeah, I am actually. My wife. Here's my wife. Oh, you're having actual sex right now.

Yeah, here she is. Say hi. Oh, no. Okay, just so you all know, Larry is holding up a water bottle. Happily married, 50 years. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Huh? Oh, please don't go. Oh, please don't go. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, please don't go. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, please don't go. Larry, I'm sorry. Oh, no.

Ha? Sorry. No. But we would gladly stay on with you forever. You got to help me stop these advertisements. Please. You got to help me stop these advertisements. I'm losing my mind.

I hate to say it, but we have to go because we have an ad. We do. We have an advertisement ourselves. Yes. No! No! Is he falling? No!

He's doing a very courteous scream no Larry I'm so sorry Larry you're going to be okay listen no one can do that right now sir I'm so sorry just take a couple

deep breaths if you can for me oh I don't want to worry about you. Your wife is there, right? Oh, yeah. She's here. She's pissed. Joan, I don't know if you remember, but Larry held up a water bottle. I know. I'm hoping that there

actually is another person there. I don't think so. Larry, thank you very much for joining us. The best I can tell you about the Facebook ads is that they are. Well, I mean, I'm going to say this, but you're not going to believe it. They're not specifically targeting you. They are just some random ads that people have paid for. And you just happen to be seeing them.

I have a feeling that's falling on deaf ears, but. Okay. You know what? That makes sense. Oh. Really? Really? a feeling that's falling on deaf ears but okay you know what that makes sense oh really yeah you got through it makes sense and you know what you know what i mean when you put it like that it really makes sense people are buying so uh let me just parrot it back to you. People are buying ads to go on Facebook and they're just going out there. And it's not specifically targeted to anyone in particular. It's just out on Facebook.

Is that right? Pretty much. That is correct. Well, who are the people buying ads? Because let me tell you, they want to have sex with me. It's what it is. It was so close. It was so close.

There was a moment. There was a moment. It was so close. So close. There was a moment. There was a moment. There was a break in the clouds there. Yeah. But, uh, do you guys want to see my samurai sword? I'm afraid of what that means. Yes. We should probably go.

Oh, Doug. No, Doug. Doug. Too late. I don't think he means an actual samurai sword, babe. It's making me curious though. Oh no. You guys. I mean, it's odd. That though oh no you guys i mean it's all that's your own funeral

all right you want to see it yes larry may we see it all right he's making larry is making a muscle he's rolled up his sleeve and he is making a muscle okay well we got off relatively heads up heads up, there's his dick. Thanks for the heads up. Okay. Well, Larry, we'll let you get yourself together off camera. Impossible. But we wish you the best of luck. And of course, congratulations on 50 years of wedded bliss.

We do have to take a break when we return more of The Neighborhood Listen. Hey everyone, it's Gina. Buddies! Hello! I adopted Buddy from the local animal shelter and the next day

she had a litter of seven kits. We have rehomed nearly all except two of them. If you or anyone you know is thinking about getting a pet Or would love a bunny, please message me They would make the perfect Easter gift I have one boy and one girl Update, please reach out to everyone you think may be interested

They are getting too big and I can no longer keep them all Update, they were $20, now they're free Update, there are now 17 more rabbits I don't even know how that happened They are everywhere, please come and just take a bunny Update, they have now tripled and also in size. Guys, I don't know exactly what's going on here. Is anyone maybe a bunny expert and can I- Oh my god! 20 more just arrived!

Update! I'm in the house. They've now taken up against me. I think that they've gone sentient. I think I even heard one talking. You guys, they're like the size of us now. Is anyone out there? Is anyone? Oh, my God.

Shh, shh, shh. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Please, God. Please, God. Please, God.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die! It sounds like they're trying to talk. Oh, the lights just went out. What's that? Do you guys hear that? Is anyone... What's he saying? I have no qualms with you. No, please. No, please.

No, please. No. Please tell my family I love them. I just wanted a buddy. I just wanted to make you a buddy. Guys, if anyone's listening. Oh, my God. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen.

Well, Larry, I hope that Larry is able to sort things out for himself. I'm a little worried about him, to be honest. I'm extremely worried about him. Please make sure that you check on your elders, that we sort of, you know, make sure that everyone's doing okay. I have the feeling he lives in isolation with only a water bottle for company that he might think is his wife. So I do think it's hard to know now if anything he said could be believed. It is. It is hard. It is hard. He was a nice man, though. I really liked him. Did you really? Yes.

Really? Yes. I got a different read on him. Not so much that he was nice, but that he was very angry. And I think psychotic. He reminded me of my grandpa. Maybe that's it. That just might be it. Oh, sure.

Sure. He was an angry psychotic. I mean, but in a lovable way. Like a Jack Nicholson character. That's the other reason why I like NCIS, because Mark Harmon looks like my grandpa as a young man. Oh, I see. I see. Mark Harmon looks like your grandpa as a young man.

Yes. You know, from older pictures. Just the way he does his hair. It's the way my grandpa brushed his hair. Oh, I see. I see. Now, you know, Mark Harmon is a spring chicken. Oh, I know.

I know that. You know how when you grow up and your grandparents are like in their, you know, when you start really having a conscious memory of them, you know, they seem much older than they were. Like, they're in their 70s. So if you look at a picture of them in their 60s or 50s,

they look very young. Do you know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. So it's really about the hair. I guess I just meant it's how he wears his hair. That distinctive Mark Harmon and NCIS hairdo. Everyone knows it.

Joan, we have time for one final post. We do. Now, I mean, I appreciate the idea of this, but I don't. This might upset you, Bert. OK, and you're going to know why right away. This says this is from Dave and it says Friday levity. And I think he's just trying to put some perspective on this whole thing and give us a laugh.

I'm bracing myself. And there's a picture of a man playing a bagpipe or bagpipes. And it says it's not just the one. It says social distancing tool. And he says, it's not like a bag with just one pipe sticking out. It's a man in Scottish garb and a kilt playing the bagpipes. It says social distancing tool. No offense to anyone Scottish or who plays the bagpipes.

And I, I do know that that is one of your hobbies is that you do have a set of bagpipes. I do. And I don't want this to upset you because I, here's the thing. Whenever someone says no offense, they're just about to offend someone, right? Well, yes, exactly. And I don't know how else to, I'm not Scottish myself. No, you're of course a can. We know this. But I don't know how you're not supposed to take offense at that

when it's a person wearing traditional Scottish clothing and playing a traditional Scottish instrument saying no offense to anybody who plays the bagpipes or is Scottish. It seems like those are the two groups you are absolutely poking fun at. And it's just that thing of saying, look, I'm not offended. So why should you be even though you are the object of the thing that I'm saying? That's right. And also, here's the funny thing to me. I mean, I don't think it's a good social distancing tool. I love a bagpipes. I love the sound of the pipes. I would run towards that

sound. I'd be like, who's playing the bagpipes that never happens there's a parade about to happen yes or uh or a very dramatic funeral yes or just a scottish funeral or just a regular scottish funeral a regular which i i think they do they are they mandatory at scottish funer The bagpipes? I don't know. See, now I don't want to offend anyone. But who takes bigger offense? Joan, if you were if you were an undertaker, you'd be going to these. I'm sorry, what?

These conventions in Glasgow. And you learn all about what was mandatory at a funeral. Undertaker conventions would only happen in Glasgow? mandatory at a funeral. Undertaker conventions would only happen in Glasgow? Well, I mean, if the real estate convention is happening in London, I don't see why the Undertaker convention can't happen in Glasgow.

I guess not. I guess not. But I would love to go. I've never been to Scotland and I really do love everything Scottish. What is the traditional Corsican instrument? I don't think you... By the way, I don't know if this is entirely true, but I don't think you're supposed to say Scotland. It's bad luck.

I think you're supposed to say the Scottish place. Is that right? You mean like Macbeth? Like who? Macbeth. The William Shakespeare play? Yes, correct. What about it?

I know it's set in Scotland. Excuse me, the Scottish place. You're not supposed to say Macbeth in the theater. It's bad luck. So you're supposed to refer to it as the Scottish play. But the play is Macbeth. So how do you get around that? I mean, I think they say his name a bunch of times.

I believe that the only rule is that if you are doing Macbeth, you can say Macbeth. But you have to go outside. Well, why else would you say it? I mean, if you're doing... That is such a good point. If you're doing Three Sisters, what are you talking about Macbeth for? You would not believe how much Macbeth gets said in theaters every single day. It became

such a problem. Such a problem that they had to come up with a superstitious sort of physicality. You have to go through, you have to go outside, turn around three times and spit. Every theater has their own thing. But it became such a problem. They had to come up with that. You're right. I don't know why everyone's running around

saying Macbeth in the theater. Well, you know, Joan, I appreciate these little theater trivia tidbits that you that you give me every once in a while this is it's very interesting i never heard that before uh so i thought that's why you were saying the scottish place i thought it was a play on no that was that was i don't know it was no play on anything it was just something i'd heard that it's bad luck to say scotland and that you're supposed to say the scottish place anyway uh, I think that this poster

has managed to offend the two groups that he or she was trying not to offend. But wait, Bert, I wanted to know, what is the instrument that's used in traditional Corsican rituals? The ocarina. Sometimes called the sweet potato. I'm sorry.

Why is it called the sweet potato? Because it resembles a sweet potato. Is it sorry. Why is it called a sweet potato? Because it resembles a sweet potato. Is it a woodwind style instrument? It's a sort of a flute type thing. You know, it's an oblong instrument. It's got a little handle on it.

You play with your hands covering the holes. Sure. All of them? As needed. much like a flute so you can make you can make different notes it's a lovely it's not unlike a recorder the sound of the ocarina ah yes

the recorder ah yes the recorder now of course the kids probably have played recorders in home oh they did and i mean i'll tell you they played it and you know the way that a recorder unless you hit it just right it makes that awful squeaking sound and you know two boys going through puberty i didn't know if it was their voices or the recorder but that's just the sound i heard for like five years it gave me such a headache But when they hit it just right.

You can't. I'm sorry. What babe? But when you hit it just right it's the most beautiful most beautiful sound. Doug does love the recorder. I just find it so limiting. You really can't play much on it. Yeah.

I've never heard anyone say they loved the recorder before gorgeous gorgeous honey I did not know you felt this way it's like it's almost like someone's saying that about the kazoo Doug actually you know those whenever we travel we go to New York we go to the subway

Doug anytime someone's playing on even just those Peruvian pipes, he buys every single one of those CDs. We have so many of them. He just loves them. You have to be careful with the pan pipes, because legend has it that if you play the pan pipes for too long, you're

mad. Is that right? Yes, that's why Zamfir killed all those people. Anyway, so we do thank you for listening, and we do have an email address if you'd like to get into contact with us. It's burntandjone at gmail.com. If you would like to screen cap a NeighborHap post of your own and send it to us, one that we might have missed,

we will read it and try to give you credit. Again, not very interested in the comment section of the posts. People are sending us multiple screen caps, a dozen at a time. And the, we are not, we don't have the time to read. A page and a half worth of comments.

And we're, we're doing the commentary. So if you just, if you just, if you just sent us the post, we will be the comment section, but thank you to all who have sent posts in. We do appreciate it.

And we love that you're out there listening and participating. Thank you for listening. Right. How about that? Thank you so much. Yes. And we hope that in these strange times, we can be some sort of a comfort or balm for you. So as a pharmacist, you know, I love being a balm.

You love a balm. You love a salve. I love a tincture. We thank you so much for listening and we will see you next. Next week will be our season finale for the neighborhood. Listen. Yeah. I hope I'm not breaking news to you.

I thought we both knew. I've just really been enjoying this. I'm just going to to you I thought we both knew I've just really been enjoying this I'm just going to be burnt, I like seeing your face I know, I've been looking forward to it I wish we had spaced these out rather than deciding to record all of them in one day

but it's been what a day that was we went from everything being fine to ending the day in quarantine. Wow. Well, Joan, thank you. I look forward to seeing you again in near minutes. And for the listener,

you will hear us again next week. Yes, you will. Until then, goodbye. And bye! I'm out.