The Neighborhood Listen - Crock Pot Theft with Lauren Ashley Smith

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Doug and Joan both prepare for Christmas even though they realize it may already be over, while Burnt shows off his new work uniform. Meanwhile, Escrow the dog is suffering from some surprising medical issues. Later on the show, Redd (Lauren Ashley Smith) explains his dinner stealing escapades around Dignity Falls.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to the entire ad-free archive as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Look out, Canadian listeners, this one's for you. Coho is a mastercard with an easy-to-use app that makes managing your finances easier. Coho lets you earn cash back, borrow, build your credit history, and so much more. Join over 1 million Canadians and sign up for your free trial today. Download Coho on Google or App Store today or koho.ca for more details. Plus, for any basketball fans out there, get a $75 e-gift card for nbastore.ca when you sign up with the promo code koho75. That's code koho75. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. neighborhood listen knock knock who's there your neighbor good indignity falls you're never alone you've got the neighbor half app and us burnt and jode from coyotes to mail theft to weird things to

sell we'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well we'll chat about any posts you're missing so just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once more. Are we rolling, Doug? Yeah. Welcome once more to the Neighborhood Listen, the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. I am one of your hosts. My name is Burnt Mia Payday.

I am the pharmacist-in in chief at the Dignity Falls Massey Pharmacy. This is official. He used to be at CVS all these years and now here he is. Sorry, what was your title again? Pharmacist in chief. I thought so. Okay. Congratulations.

Thank you very much. It's a brand state of the art. They gave you not even a coat, you wear a robe, but you're wearing it because you just came straight from work. Yes, I have a ceremonial robe that I wear. It is gorgeous.

It's gold braided. Thank you, yes. It's real velvet and ermine and it is gold braided. And you know, people, it really makes an impression on people when they walk in. I imagine. When they step up to that counter. They're like, oh, there's the chief right there.

There's the farmer. There's the PIC. Some people are addressing me like, your honor, your highness. And it's like, no, I'm just burnt. Just call me burnt. I notice you have a lot of rings on your hands now. People keep giving them to me. There's people that have been

bringing me exotic spices. Folks, this is not necessary. It's just my work uniform. You don't need to be doing this. Well, I mean, you are a splendent. I have to say, I just think it really, it is,

it's, it, it, it does make you think that you have to bow or something. Not necessary. Not necessary. I still have to, I'm still just a guy filling out prescriptions,

uh, uh, and, and deciphering doctors, inscrutable handwriting. Oh boy. Yeah. Um,

the robe doesn't help with that. That's right. And the robe does not help with that, Joan. Why? Is it just because they're in a hurry? Why does this happen? Oh yeah, I'm Joan, by the way. I'm Joan Pedestrian.

We haven't introduced me yet. That's right. Joan is the top realtor here in Dignity Falls. I got no robe. And why don't you get one? I guess I could. You are the top realtor. Sure, why not?

Yeah. Maybe this is going to be a thing. Robes for the new year. Why not? Why not? Let's Maybe this is going to be a thing. Robes for the new year. Why not? Why not? Let's just cover ourselves in robes. I would love to see that.

You on a bus stop bench ad in a robe, in a beautiful, like what color would you go with? Oh, I would go with like a deep, like a burgundy. Oh yes, absolutely. What material do you think? I think just a basic velvet. I don't need anything nuts. Would you incorporate exotic feathers in the collar, perhaps? Ooh, I didn't even think about that. Is that escrow?

It's escrow barking. Babe, could you... How's he doing? He's okay. He's so old. And I don't know if we've talked about all of his medical issues here. Well, he's... How old is he?

He's 42 years old? He is, correct. He's 42 years old he's he's you know he's blind he's he's got other got some other issues um he has several stds which was shocking i've never heard of that in a dog before i know koalas can get chlamydia of course course. Of course. But it was just- Several, you say. Several. And like, you can just tell he doesn't feel good about it. Like, it's almost like he knows, you know.

Like shame. Like a little bit of shame. I don't want him to have that, you know. We grew up in the 80s and 90s when they were, they really hammer at home about STDs. It's so true. Yeah. I remember when McGruff went to the doctor.

McGruff, of course, the crime fighting dog. And I remember he was talking to the kids saying, kids, you know, don't do crimes. And then he said, ah. And then he clutched his groin. And then the commercial abruptly cut to him

in a doctor's office. Yes. And the doctor, you know, handed him a pack of condoms. It was very like almost World War II. I don't think kids were ready for it. I'm not sure. I think it went right over their head.

There was outrage. And that's why that commercial aired first here in Dignity Falls. It was immediately yanked from the airwaves before anybody else saw it. We were the testing ground for lots of initial marketing campaigns that did not work. Because we have our own time zone. I think we talked about that before. The rest of the country. So anyways, he is, I don't know where he is.

Babe, Doug is in Santa's workshop. Doug, did I hear that correctly? Santa's workshop. You're recording us from, what was that accent? Was that a North Pole accent you were going for? Oh, yes. More like a transatlantic. I don't know.

The Santa's workshop, you see. Transatlantic or Transylvanian, perhaps. Perhaps. the Santa's workshop, you see. Transylvanian perhaps. Perhaps. We started this a little while ago. You know, even though the kids were older, I felt sad that they weren't really

into the magic of Christmas anymore. So, you know, one of our rooms, of course, I was like, we should definitely have like a wrapping room, you know, and like with toys and then just, you know, I could feel like Mrs. Claus. Candy Spelling used to have the gifting room. Oh, is that right? Yes. Oh, boy.

Tori Spelling's mom. Lifestyles of the rich and famous. Remember that show? Remember that show? Do you know Robin Leach is still alive? He's not. He is. It's so crazy. I believe that he is. And now it's just, you know, those annoying reels on Architectural Digest on Instagram.

They're like, oh, come in. This is our whatever. We just, it just. This is our, whatever. We just, it just looks like this all the time. It's sustainable. These are like celebrities. They make me angry. They need Robin Leach

to slap them around. Well, because I'm speaking from a realtor perspective. I beg your pardon, Doug? They need Robin Leach to slap them around. Is that what he did? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I still remember that. His lifestyle is regenerative. Robin Leach. Oh, look at you. It was like a precursor to Bar Rescue where he'd go in and say look at the way you're living this is despicable and then you just go he would just

hit him he would literally missed all of that i don't remember that yeah uh speaking from a real perspective and alana speaking from a real perspective you know it's like that's what i'm supposed to do i'm supposed to show you around the home not two celebrities who were just you know had someone else do it but they act like they were part of every little process and every little choice. I just find them smug. They are smug. I obviously, clearly, it's a hair. It's a issue

for me. Clearly, it's a hair. Well, that's Dignity Falls, of course. We just shortened to it's a hair. We shortened so many things. It's a hair. It's very confusing for outsiders. So, anyways, that's where he is. But I thought that you were taking escrow up there with you, but I guess he's not up there.

Do you have him now? Because it sounds like he's quieted down. I'm not sure where escrow is. Oh, dear. That's not what I wanted to hear. I'm worried that the twins took him. Oh, boy. The twins still missing, still on their Halloween prank.

Come on now. Halloween is so far away now. I know. Well, and as you know, we celebrate Halloween. We do not do any Thanksgiving. We go straight from October 1st to December 1st.

So the thing is, this is when we're recording it. So today I'm hoping we might actually get some signs. God, I hope so. Because we officially now can celebrate Christmas, which is why he's in the workshop.

And so it's the room is done up like a Santa's workshop? Yeah, it's done up like a Santa's workshop. It smells like gingerbread. You know, it's got a little toy train. Christmas might have already passed. Well, of course, that's fine. I mean, we can still talk about it though, right? I mean, there's no point in-

Let's talk about Christmas all year long. I just want to keep it in my heart. Do you do you know what i learned recently and this is a fun bit of trivia you know that song what do you of course you would know this what are you doing new year's eve oh yeah that song it's a great old torch song yes the the writer of that song frank lesser i believe oh yes wrote guys and dolls wrote how to succeed in business without really trying. Okay. Sorry. He's one of my favorites. He was bothered that it became a Christmas season standard

because the gag was that the person's asking like in June and it was supposed to be kind of funny. Oh, really? Did the lyrics indicate that? Because I think

I've not paid attention to them at all. Only vaguely by saying is it too early? And that was supposed to be sort of like, well, of course it's too early. Is it really about someone making New Year's Eve plans in April? That sounds psychotic. No, that's...

Who does that? It's supposed to be... I'm sorry. It makes me angry. It's supposed to be a little tongue-in-cheek. I'm sorry. That was a hair for me. That was a hair.

That is a bit of a hair for you. I don't think the song is supposed to be sung from the point of view of like the Joker. I think it's supposed to be a cute little thing where somebody is saying, hey, what do you, do you have any plans for New Year's? And it's so earlier in the year. I thought it was just. See, Doug loves it. I just thought it was the first booty call song that was ever written.

That's what I, that's how I see it. Do you think it takes place on New Year's Eve, that song? That's what I thought. What? The song that says, what are you doing New Year's Eve? Yes. Like in real time. Like it's 12 to 15.

You don't have anyone. I don't have anyone. Well, maybe in the morning. You know, it's like the morning of the 31st. That's what I always thought. What do you do on New Year's Eve? You up? Yes.

It made sense to me. So I wonder what Frank Lester would make of that interpretation. I know. Well, I'm sorry you were such a grump about it. I would just be happy to have a hit song. Geez. You'd think. Meanwhile, I'm trying to come up with seven new original Christmas songs for my Christmas

cabaret, which is in two days. That's right. Because you're not going to do all 17 original. You will repeat some. I threw that number out, you know, and then immediately went on the posters and I thought, what am I, 17? That's crazy. That's a lot of songs for one cabaret. It's a lot of songs without any, you know,

and I don't have any guests because everyone said no. No, Joan. Everyone said no. Everyone said no. I didn't listen. I didn't ask a whole lot of people. And I think that they're all still just sort of a little gun shy from how

my last show went when i accidentally cursed the entire audience i know but that it isn't that more mitch mcnutt's fault than anything it is it is mitch mcnutt the reviewer the local reviewer and did he fall so we hate who we hate yeah we despise him pulled a fast one on me and he pre reviewed my show without even seeing it before it opened yes and just predicted what i would do i said i know what's going to happen. Doesn't matter that he was fairly right. He was, he really nailed it. It was so rude.

How did he do that? I don't know. I guess I'm a predictable artist. What can I tell you? Yeah, but he's a bad guy and we don't like him. But this time I'm going to do something kind of, kind of, kind of. Dangerous? Yeah.

I was going to say dairy, but it might be dangerous as well. I thought you were going to say dangerous. Okay. It might be dangerous. So more dangerous than cursing the audience? No, no, nothing like that. Dangerous for me. Scary for me because I was thinking I would do a couple, I would try to improvise a few numbers.

Really? Yes. Okay. Don't sound so surprised. I might be able to do it. Joan, you've said, you famously said on more than one occasion, I detest improv, it's stupid, and it's lazy. Why would you tell everybody that?

That was said in, what's the word? Confidence? Yes. I feel like if you say something in confidence more than 10 times, you might as well just be saying it to everyone. I really didn't expect this. I don't want everyone to think that. Well, you put me on the spot, Joan.

It was a couple of years ago that I said that. And my opinion of it has changed a little bit. Well, I didn't realize that. I think that it's a very sustainable way to live. And I think it's timeless. And I think it's going to survive everything. You know what I mean? Everyone loves it.

Everyone loves it. Can't get enough of it. Yeah. And I think it's great. And I think it's great to see so many young people involved in it. And you know what? It just, it looks, I consider myself a performer. And so to not explore that.

Joan, everyone considers you. You, of course. Well, not Mitch McNutt, but he considers me a hack. I wish he would go to hell. Burt really hates him. I wish that turtleneck would just choke him. Wouldn't that be a great like a

demon king? His face is getting redder and redder. He should go up a size. He wears His face is getting redder and redder. He should go up a size. He gets some speciality. They do have elastic in them. So, I mean, I think that is the thing is that they're getting better. That would be very Stephen King thing that like, you know, you were taken down by your own, what you're known for.

I didn't word that correctly. Maybe I'm not good at improv. I didn't word that correctly. Maybe I'm not good at improv. Well, I mean, that can't count. That can't count. Can we edit that out? That can't count, right?

Let me try again. I know we have to start the improv. Let me try again. All I was thinking is, you know, I would just, I have my friend, Smitty, who loves to play jazz piano. Yes. Yes. No, he was, where was he?

He was on a cruise ship. Yes, he was on the cruise. For 15 years. I mean, he's been gone forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a very, he was a dear old friend of mine from high school. And yeah, so he was just playing piano on. The News Cruise.

The News Cruise, yes. Which was the news without Huey Lewis. It was a cruise for people who were fans of just the news. Just the news. They could take or leave Huey Lewis, but they are fanatical about the news. But they needed a second piano player, and so Smitty joined them.

That cruise sounded like a lot of fun. The attractions were there, the Vandellas. Yes, and the trick is when they sing the songs when they sing the songs it's really just kind of like music and then just all of a sudden back in time and then just more music yeah yeah him was there from she and him yes it sort of became a thing right you know everyone uh so he's had he had a great time. Until he was dragged by the cruise ship. Oh, yeah. Tell me about that again, Mitch.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot. I think I remember hearing he was dragged by the cruise ship for a long time. You mean like physically dragged or like emotionally dragged? Yeah, he was in the water. For 15 years? No. Emotionally dragged or like emotionally dragged? Yeah, he was in the water. For 15 years? No. Emotionally dragged by a cruise ship?

Oh, emotional. What? What are you talking about? That's what you just asked me. Are you drinking eggnog? Is there too much glue in there? Is there too much glue? So, okay.

Well, I'll have to ask him. He was barefoot water skiing in the back of the cruise ship. He didn't know how to do it. And then they forgot he was there. They forgot he was there. He didn'tfoot water skiing in the back of the cruise ship. He is the how would you. They were. They forgot he was there. They forgot he was there. He didn't tell me any of this. For over a year.

Okay. I'll have to ask him. You know Smitty. I know. He really doesn't say anything. He is very stoic. He will not. He doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems. Right.

He came into the pharmacy one time. And he talked to me for 90 minutes before I was finally able to glean he was there to get a prescription filled. Oh, wow. So like, what was he saying?

He was just making small talk and then he was saying, hey, how are your knees? And I was like, my knees are fine. And he was like, oh, I'm jealous. You know,

things like that. Like a very roundabout aspect. And what was the prescription he needed? He had bursitis and so he needed a cream. He needed a topical. So that was, is that for your knees? roundabout. And what was the prescription he needed? He had bursitis. And so he needed a cream. He needed a topical.

So that was for, is that for your knees? I don't know what bursitis is. Oh, bursitis is, it's terrible. Okay. It's terrible. It's, it's a joint thing and you can get it in your joints. You heard it here from the pharmacist in chief. Now remember, I'm a pharmacist.

I'm not a doctor. The in chief does not add, you know.'m not i don't have a medical degree no i still need a slip of paper telling me what to do all the instructions are on the box that's that's true they are yeah all you do is you say and then you know most people never really, have you been consulted? Do you have any allergies? And most people just say no. They just give me my drugs. They got to get out of there.

Yeah, exactly. And I don't ask follow-ups. Of course not. Okay, so here's the thing. I will ask Smitty. I will see if he will talk to me, you know. Gosh, you know, now that I think about it,

he has, we've rehearsed once and he did say some pretty strange things like you know hey have you been talking to people lately how do they make you feel about yourself and i'm like oh i'm fine and he's like oh must be nice just like exactly what you were saying like you know as if like either he was emotionally dragged or but he also made a comment about my feet and how my feet were doing so maybe he was trying to tell me you know what i'll get more specific with him next. Well,

tomorrow I'll see him tomorrow. And all that I thought was right. Like that. I would just get on my stool and just, you know, sort of like, I want to open it up to the crowd now and just say, Oh,

give me your favorite Christmas. What's the best thing you've ever gotten for Christmas or get an object, you know, or, or something really simple. Like what's your favorite thing about Christmas? Gloves. I'm not doing it right now.

Oh, I'm sorry. It just made me so nervous. In my mind, I was picturing you on your stool. Stool. And I was like, I was there. Why did you just say stool again, babe? Stool? I was trying out that accent.

Stool. Which accent is that again? I don't know. You're the one that said stool yeah you said i didn't hear it oh god it's hard to hear yourself it's really falling apart to hear yourself yeah okay fine fine then i will okay so like so an example is i'll sit on my stool and I will ask about, and gloves. Do you think they'll say gloves? Oh gosh, I didn't even consider they would say gloves. That's a great idea. You should definitely make a list of things

you think people will say. And then you can write the songs in advance. That's how Hip Hop works, right? You sort of try to just guess what people are going to say. Yeah, yeah. Or force people to say a thing. And then try to make them laugh. Force people to say a thing.

What if I don't like what they say? Can I take another suggestion? Absolutely. I would keep going until you get one that you're prepared for. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, like,

I'm hoping that they just either say Santa or GIFs. That's all I want. GIFs. Right. You don't think people will say, like,

hot cocoa. They might. I just have only thought of rhymes for Santa and GIFs. Santa. What are your top rhymes for Santa and gifts. Santa. What are your top rhymes for Santa? Mylanta.

Mylanta, of course. Fanta. That's the first that came to mind. Granta. Wasn't that a literary? And Atlanta. Atlanta. Atlanta.

Yeah. Uh-huh. So, you know, I'd be like, oh, all I need is three rhymes. I could come up with a song. Exactly. All you need is three rhymes. I could come up with a song. Exactly. All you need is three rhymes. What's with these songs where they keep going with the rhymes? Three is fine.

Well, you know, I'm not imagining they'll be long, and then maybe I'll have everyone sing along, right? I didn't hear your songs, John. Be like, Santa, are you coming to Atlanta? If you eat cookies, you'll need my lanta what's in those cookies you're not supposed to think about it i'm so sorry you're an audience but you're like your mind is blown how did she rhyme those three things right no rhymes for gloves why does it seem easier to rhyme the singular glove not gloves because you can't say aboves but i mean i guess you could say doves but you want to say loves do you know what i mean

i mean you could maybe i should take a class i mean loves is also is a verb i'm realizing how hard this is what what's a verb love is a verb. I'm realizing how hard this is. What? What's a verb? Love is a verb. Loves. Love. Sure, sure. But it's hard to end a thought on love. Shoves. Shoves. Do you know what I really hate though, which I'll never do,

is say that thing where it's like, oh, I love myself. I'm just going to take those problems and put them on a shelf. Oh my God. No one puts anything, it's used as a rhyme all the time, especially in musical theater. Right, right, right. As a thing, you don't need it. You're going to get rid of it. shelf oh my god no one puts anything it's rhymed it's used as a rhyme all the time especially

musical right as a thing you don't you don't need it you're gonna get rid of it put on a shelf no one says that put it on a shelf it's very true that people do shelf things though yes they shelve things and when things are shelved they are gone forever whenever anyone uses that expression that means not that we'll revisit this. That means done. You've worked through it. Therapy not needed. It's on the shelf. Well, it's clear that I need to work on this a little

bit, but I'll let you know how it goes and I'll talk to Smitty tomorrow. Okay, great. I'm glad to hear it. We should probably take a break at this point. I think we should. I think we've talked for too long. What do you think, babe? I think so. How long are we going, Doug? I haven't asked you that in a while. You should be a main break at this point. I think we should. I think we've talked for too long. What do you think, babe? I think so. How long are we going, Doug? I haven't asked you that in a while. It used to be a main staple of the show. It was. And then you remember it used

to take him a long time to sort of count. Because he would remember the minutes. Yes. It's been 21 minutes. Oh, that's perfect. It's perfect. Absolutely perfect. I feel like it's always 21 minutes. All right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we will have a guest with us right here at the Kitchen Island on The Neighborhood Listen.

Hey, this is Harry. Fire! Ambulance! Thought I was having my fourth heart attack last night and called 911. Ambulance. Thought I was having my fourth heart attack last night and called 911. Cannot believe the great and fast reaction and care that I received. So incredibly grateful.

Never felt so safe. Thankfully, no heart attack. But I feel so thankful and peaceful knowing that when I need help, there are amazing, dedicated, selfless, and patient people out there to give care. I hope none of you ever need it but rest assured if you need help you can expect the best oh thank you thank you thank you oh the heart emoji no really you gotta be kidding me. And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen.

And Joan, you know it. Doug, you know it too. What we do every episode is we look at the NeighborHap, the social networking application for people's neighborhoods, and we check out who is interesting in Dignity Falls. If a post catches our eye, then we try to invite someone on the show. Either it's someone who posted or someone being posted about. Yes. And this week is no different.

And if you happen to spot an interesting post that perhaps we missed on the NeighborHap, please screenshot it and send it to us at Joan and Burnt. Nope. Burnt and Joan? Uh- Nope. Burnt and Joan? Uh-oh. Burnt and Joan? Thank you. Thank you, Doug. Burnt and Joan at gmail.com. I don't know why I switched it all of a sudden in my mind.

Listen, my mind is in a scramble from my attempted improv just a minute ago. Can I tell you that right now I just had maybe a panic attack over the email address? Oh, no. Did you? I had like the tiniest, fastest spiral. Did you know I forgot my last name just a couple episodes ago? No, Joan.

That's why I just. It's pedestrian. I know. But I kept saying, hi, I'm Joan. And I just would. I expected it to come out and it didn't. And I said it three times. Well, you know, to me, it just sounded very confident.

Well, inside, I was spiraling like you. Fun. Well, at least we could be honest about it. Right? Yeah. Okay, so we have a guest. But let me first read this post. Would you like to read the post?

Yes. And you know. Excuse me. Are you getting ready for your Santa voice? Yes. Bernd is playing Santa at the Falls machine. Merry Christmas. Is that

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. That's good. Hello little boy. What would you like for Christmas? It keeps changing. I'm not sure you've hit it in the middle yet. I think you're dancing around a little.

Santa, we gotta go now. We gotta feed my ride door. Okay, well now. Now I'm concerned about him. I haven't done it in a while. Yes, it's clear. I guess it's not like riding a bike. You gotta just dust it off.

You gotta get it in your boat. As Santa. Well, I hope that goes better than finding the boys. Well, that was Harry Carey. Alright. So the post, this just says

neighbor. So there's no name. We don't have a name. Yes. So this says it's an under crime and safety two guys dressed uh as a i assume this means as uh dressed as at&t providers stole my dinner told me they needed to see yes but listen to this told me they needed to see my cable box took my crock pot with my dinner inside and ran out the front update the crock pot has been returned huh i know and here to talk but i'm not sure uh we have i've been exchanging emails with this person i'm not sure what the story is since we don't know the name of the of the poster i know

that the name we have here is it just red is that right it's pronounced reed reed reed sorry it looks like red yeah is reed okay yes because it's r-e-d-d but it's reed yes okay just making and are you the person who made this post or are you i i took the pot oh you took the pot oh i'm kind of excited because we can ask so many questions you know we can get to the bottom of it. Yes. If it had just been the crockpot person, who gives a shit? No, I didn't mean to imply that. Oh, that's how I do it.

Certainly not read. Oh, wait. It's read, right? It's read. Okay, it's read. All right, read. Read what? Tell me.

First of all, do you agree with this post? Is this post inaccurate? Would you like to correct some misinformation or tell us your side of the story? Every word is true. Every word is true. Every last word is true. In fact, she left some out.

Oh my goodness. Really? Okay, so you were addressed as an AT&T provider. Okay. And you told this person that you needed to see their cable box. Yep. And then somehow you got it.

So you went to their home. Yep. Under the pretense of looking at the cable box. Knock, knock, knock. AT&T here. Surprise visit. We do those. Okay. Pop up. Me and my friend whose name will be redacted. That is his name.

You know what? I was just about to ask that. I was just about to ask that. It will be redacted? His name is will be redacted. Okay. okay so you and your friend will will be redacted in the guise of of k a a t providers yeah you gain access to the house yep okay do you even bother looking at the cable box? Well, so here's the thing. Yeah, take us through it. All right.

So I am, I love a home-cooked meal. Here's the thing. Who doesn't? Love a home-cooked meal. Can't cook myself. Sure. Neither can Will. Okay.

And what is your relationship with Will? He is my best friend from third grade. Oh, that's nice. But we were only best friends in third grade. People think that that means we're best friends from third grade. I definitely assume. No, we had a falling out in fourth grade. People think that that means we're best friends from third grade. I definitely assumed. No, we had a falling out. Oh, and fourth.

Yes. Fourth is a tricky time. Reconnected as adults. Fourth is a volatile time. Reconnected as adults. Okay. All right. Yes.

Was there, well, I want to get into that friendship in a minute, but take us through again what happened. So is this, and really quickly, can I ask, is this something you've done before? Yes. Plenty of times. Many times. And since. Okay.

So then you have a before? Yes. Plenty of times. Many times. And since. Okay. So then you have a routine. Yes. Okay. So is he distraction? And are you the sort of the face of the operation? Yeah. So I'm the face and the brains, to be honest. So I sourced the AT&T outfits on Etsy.

Okay. Waited the six weeks for them to come. Had to send one back because mine was running a little short on the pant. Got the AT&T outfits, the costumes, showed up to the house, said knock, knock, knock, surprise visit. We do those, AT&T. And lady, so sweet, so sweet.

She said, I don't have AT&T. And I said, that's the problem. So we gotta come in and fix it. And what did she say then? She said, fair enough. Fair enough, she said. You don't have AT&T, that's the problem. We're gonna come in and fix it. Yep. she she said fair enough fair enough she said you don't have at&t that's the problem we're gonna we're gonna come in and fix it yep and she said touche whoa she said fair enough and touche yes she did so i we go in will and i were looking at the cable box where was she

she was sitting on the couch she was actually watching television we made her pause her show oh wow do you remember what she was watching? She was watching The Bachelor. Golden or golden? She said, I don't watch anything. Don't watch any Bachelors unless they have a color in front. So this

she's in heaven now. She's so happy. She's been waiting for years. She never watched it. She was waiting for a color. This is a whole new demographics that they haven't opened up yet that they need to know about okay yeah so she paused her show we say okay we're looking she didn't have cable box we're like okay and i'm like i think i need to look at the cable box in the kitchen she said i don't have one in there i said that's the problem oh it's such a good comeback each time did she say fair enough said fair said fair enough. Okay. So, go in there. I see she's got the most

deliciously slow-cooked meatballs. And did you, was this a surprise or do you know the meatballs are happening inside the house before you go in and that's the mark? Yeah, we case the joint. Okay. Yeah, we case, we sit outside, we look at people and we see, okay, if they're not grocery

shopping, off the list. Yeah, what are they bringing into the house? Exactly. What are they got? What's the protein? Exactly. So we were watching her for a little while. How long of a process? About four weeks. Oh, wow. Really get in there. You love home-cooked meals. I love home-cooked meals. Really embedded.

Yes. So we also had to start seeing, okay, what are the nights she goes out to eat? When is she doing meal prep? When are there leftovers? We realized Thursdays is when she throws down. Okay. Right? Thursdays is when she really goes for it. That was go time.

And this is a single person? Yes. Okay. Yes. So cooking just for one person? For one. But she's, you know how you have those people where it's like they can't just cook for one? Yes.

Well, it's very difficult, isn't it? Exactly. It is. Recipe's all thrown off. And you know, she probably shares it with people at church or what have you. Exactly. Exactly. So went in the kitchen. off. And you know, she probably shares it with people at church or what have you. Exactly. So went in the kitchen. Okay.

Unplugged the pot. Good. Honestly, one of the things she left out took a couple pot holders because it was hot to the touch.

Okay. Okay. She didn't, she didn't ding me for that. She didn't ding you for that. Were those also returned? Gave them back. Okay.

Okay. Gave them back. So I, I have the pot. I yell out to the TV. I say, Will, time to ride. And he knows that's time

to book it out the front door, open the door, hold it for me. We rush to the car, drive off. We have a meal. Oh, wow. So do you just eat it

right out of the crock pot? I mean, it's got to be scalding hot. We keep sporks in the car for this reason. Oh, so you're ready for anything. I don't like cold food. Right. Oh, me neither.

Okay? It's got to be hot. Yes. Hot out the oven. I don't like leftovers. Oh, yeah. It's tricky. Wow.

Can I say, I enjoy cold food. You do? I do. I enjoy it hot, and then no matter what it is, I can eat it cold. Really? Yeah. Oh, I can't do that. Well, I do. I enjoy it hot. And then no matter what it is, I can eat it cold. Really? Yeah. Oh, I don't respect that.

Well, I apologize. I'm not, I mean, I'm not, I understand we have different views on that. I guess we'll never see eye to eye. We won't. Wait till we tell Reed that you don't eat square food. What? Yeah, I can't eat square food. I can't eat any baked thing that is square. Not a sandwich? No. Not a... Because the bread has been baked. Not a turnover that's been made

into a square? No. He knows. He always knows. If it's been made into a triangle... It's a baking process. So if it's baked as a square, I can't eat it. I didn't know this. I'm not sure I do. So if you bake... If you take like a square cracker and you bite around it to make it a circle, I can't eat that.

Because you already know that it's a Ritz. I see. But if I were to give you a cracker that was made to be, that was originated as a circle. A Ritz? And I bit it into a square, you would eat that. I wouldn't, that was originated as a circle. A Ritz? And I bit it into a square. Oh. You would eat that. I wouldn't eat that

because you bit into it. Okay. But. But the principle, the principle. But the principle is the same, yes. All right. I mean, if we cut it, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wow. I never even thought about that angle. If I saw the square, it would give me pause. All right.

I wonder the Ritz. I'd be one of those annoying people in a restaurant like, does this have this? Does this have this? What happened with the square in the first me pause i wonder the i have to be one of those annoying people in a restaurant like does this have this does this have this what happened with the square in the first place was it what would happen to you if you actually ingested it i would go into convulsions because this is what happened one time i would go into convulsions and i would i would make my body into the shape of a square. Wow. That's what happens. Wow. We just, I've never asked that question.

You know, I just sort of took it for granted. I was praying you never would. It's embarrassing. All right, well then let's get back to right here. Okay, so when you ran out, did she just not even, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Reed. So sorry. I'm really sorry.

It's really making him mad. I know, I'm so sorry, Reed. Okay, so did the woman do anything I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. It's really making a mess. I know. I'm so sorry, Reed. Okay. So did the woman do anything or did she have no time to process? She was just on the couch. Or did she yell, hey, you come back. She said, my meat. Oh, yeah.

She said, stop my meat. Right. We didn't stop. No. No, because it looks like you were successful because you returned only, obviously, the crock pot. Now, do you always return because you're just after the meal? I'm sorry to interrupt you. Do y'all have a cable provider?

Oh, we do. We're Spectrum. No? No good? You don't have AT&T? I don't because... Joan, don't fall for it. What?

Do you mind if I... Is this happening right now? Do you mind if I just go take... I'm just going to let you know I have nothing boiling, nothing simmering. I got nothing going right all right nevermind i don't work i don't work i don't work today i'm off so okay so you

and you and uh will be will be you you get you get to your getaway vehicle yep you have the sporks in there yep how far away do you go before you start eating out of the crockpot oh yeah it's interesting because we uh we didn't plan well because the house actually was on a cul-de-sac. We took off. We took off down the street and we parked. We're like, out of here. We realized we parked in front of her house.

We made a full circle. A full circle. Unfortunately. We were like, well, time's ticking. Food's getting cold. Just do it here. So you made it right in front of her house? Oh, yeah. Did she see you?

Sorry, but I have to follow up. Is your vehicle disguised as an AT&T vehicle? Oh, that's a good question. Not in the slightest. Okay. No, it actually, because here's the thing. It's very expensive to wrap a car. Okay.

Yeah, that's true. So what I did was I plopped one of them Pizza Hut delivery little lights on the top of the car. Okay, yeah. And did that. So it's a double disguise. Yes. Yeah. I see.

And okay, but did she, did her come back here and her yelling just stop at the door? And did she just give up because she saw you drive away? She, no, she actually, she did run around kind of right behind us. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. She is fast. Oh, my goodness.

I'm just picturing her like the T2. Yes. Chopping the air with her hands. She is fast. But. Okay. To our credit, what saved us, the Golden Bachelor came back from commercial. Oh, my gosh.

She's got to get in and see that Bachelor. Had to see it. And she sensed that it was coming back from commercial. Oh, my gosh. She's got to get in and see that Bachelor. Had to see it. And she sensed that it was coming back from commercial. Yeah. She's, like I said, she's a fan. So while we're working on K-Block, she said that she actually has internalized the clock of The Bachelor. Oh, she just knew.

She knew because she watches it live. She doesn't tape it. I mean, she's got to see every moment at the time that everyone else is seeing it. I don't know why. For some reason, it's putting me see every moment at the time that everyone else is seeing it. I don't know why this, for some reason, it's putting me in mind of like being on a safari and you're being chased by, you're in the Jeep, you're being chased by a wild animal.

And then the wild animal, who knows why, just decides like, I don't need to do this. Wow, so the golden bachelor saved you. Yes, yes he did. Wow. As he saved presumably one woman. Yes, he did. So you eat, you just start eating right there in front of her house.

Oh, yes. And the meatballs, are they piping hot? They're searing hot. I actually caught a couple burns on the way down. Oh, I'm so sorry. On the way down? Yeah. Throat burns.

Yeah. Wow, that's intense. It was burning your mouth. But you kept it swollen anyway. Yeah, I decided better in than out. Sure. And I, you know, some people, listen, some people, their reflex is, it's hot. Let me spit it out.

Yes, right. Sure. Me, I'm like, let's get it over with. Wow. Yeah, so it's just like gulp. They're also rolling as soon as they're in there. That's true. Because they are balls.

They are. There's momentum involved. I think they swallowed them whole, I suppose. Yeah. I would assume there as they're in there. That's true. They are. There's momentum involved. I suppose. Yeah. I would assume there was some chewing in there. Not everyone eats meatballs. You said like pool balls? Not everyone eats meatballs the way you do, babe.

That's such ass. Doug just swallows them whole. Yeah, I like to feel them roll down. Oh my gosh. So let me ask this. Speaking of the meatballs, how many were there? Did you eat all of them? Great question. There were 42 meatballs in the front pot many were there did you eat all of them great question

there were 42 meatballs in the front pot 42 and you split them equally you and Will okay now Will don't listen

uh oh I was in charge of counting so I gave myself 24 I short changed Will a bit he didn't notice wow is that going to cause a problem

or do you guys normally get it pretty right pretty fair we're usually pretty fair right down the middle. Okay. And it's a very equitable relationship. And that was one time thing, Will.

Okay. All right. Just in case. I mean, to be fair, you do a little bit more than Will does. Thank you. Oh, I think you hit a nerve burnt. I mean, Will, I guess, is a distraction. Here's the thing.

Will, and this all comes back. This is why we fell out in third grade. Oh, good, because I was going to ask this. I was going to ask this. Will lacks follow through. Oh, okay. Alright? So, just to, not to bore you with a quick story, but. This is what we're here for. Exactly. We were in third grade playing a game of dodgeball. Alright? Classic. Will and

I looked in each other's eyes before the game began and said, listen, it's, you go, I go. Alright? We protect each other. Kid threw a ball at me. Will was a little bit in front of me. He ducked. Oh my goodness.

Took one right to the shoulder. Oh no. All right? That's Will. I see. He's a ducker. And then it was over. What, what, what? The unkindest cut of all?

Indeed. Shakespeare. So that was it. I mean, was there a moment or did you just cut him off right then? Yeah, I basically said, don't talk to me anymore. We won't be swinging together anymore. And we certainly won't be sharing crayons anymore. That is rough.

And he cried quite significantly. Significantly? Yeah, he significantly cried. Because he knew he is rough. And he cried quite significantly. Significantly? Yeah, he significantly cried. Because he knew he was in the wrong. It was that hard cry when you know that you're in the wrong. But was he too proud to apologize? Oh, he apologized profusely. Oh, he did?

Yeah, but I gave him the cold shoulder. I said, let this be a lesson. Oh, wow. What a profound thing that you knew at such a young age. Yes, I was a wise third grader. And then you went through school all together. Yes. For how many grades?

All. High school? Yes, yes. And our last names are, his last name is Redacted and my last name is Restorative. So we're next to each other in the alphabet. So we were often seated next to each other in classes. we're next to each other in the alphabet so no we were often seated next to each other in classes we were walked next to each other we at graduation so but it was just ice

yeah we didn't speak and then who was it that how did you come back together again who initiated that i i reached out i i started my therapy journey. Oh, wonderful. And I realized that maybe I was a little too harsh on Will. Okay. So I called him up and I said, can we talk? And he said, I've been waiting for this since third grade. Wow. Wow. So he all, mm-hmm.

I apologized. And he, again, he cried. And he welcomed me back into his life. Was the crying significant this time? Majorly significant. Okay. Yeah. Wait, I feel like I missed that part.

The crying. In third grade, he cried significantly. Oh, I thought you said crime. Sorry, I misunderstood. I just heard you say crime. I thought you said crime, not cry. No, I said cry. Sorry.

This is a mistake. Sometimes I just mishear. Yeah, that's fine. I'm allowed to mishear. No, of course you are. You seem very annoyed. I mean, it's not helpful. But you are allowed to do it. I don't think anyone not helpful, but... But you are allowed to do it.

I think anyone's arguing it's helpful. You're allowed to do it. I think I'm apologizing just like Will did. I mean, you're allowed to do it all day long. Do I need to cry? Did you say crime? Oh, give me a break. You know, what I was going to point out

is that it's so interesting, beautiful almost, that their last name sort of predicted what would end up happening. Will got redacted and Reed was restorative to the friendship. Wow. And I think that that's lovely. I just got to chill. Wow. Yeah.

Well, okay. Now you forgot about my mistake. Thank goodness. Now you reminded me. Anyways. So how old were you when this happened? When you came back together? Oh, when we came back together?

24. Okay. Yeah. And so, and both grew up in Dignity Falls right here? Yes. Okay. Yes. And what did you, at that point, what were you both doing in your lives?

Okay. So here's the thing. I was doing my own home gardening situation. the thing i was doing um my own home gardening situation i was i was growing plants vegetables things like that and basically selling them to the community in dignity falls but here's the thing i got out of the business because it costs quite a lot to grow food oh so i was having to charge like 40 for an apple 50 for spinach and I'm sorry, did you say $40 for an apple? Just one apple? Yes. Wow. Did anyone ever do that? Yes. Really? Yes.

Would buy them. Yes. Really? What, I mean, is there something about these apples that is sort of special? The price point. Can't argue there. So I guess it makes people feel like, you know, if you have to ask, you can't afford it, kind of. Yeah, it's like a designer apple.

This must be a great apple. Yeah, it's like an elite, it's like an apple where it's like, there's a place called Soho House, I think, in New York. It's like a Soho House apple. Okay. Do you remember they tried to do a Soho House in Dignity Falls? Oh my God. And the night it opened it burned to the ground. Just instantly.

Yeah. And they just gave up. They said I guess it wasn't meant to be. Nope. And they didn't rebuild it. And it was sad because they made people wait on a list for two years. You know, all that waiting. Is it possible to get on the list? Absolutely. People got plastic surgery

to go there. Did they invent on the list? Absolutely. Is that the place that invented... Did they invent the cronut? Yeah. I was so excited for that. Yeah. I'll never have one. Soho House, out of defiance? No, I just don't believe they'll ever come to

Dignity Falls. The cronut will not be back. No, no, no. That was their shot. Yep, that was it. Okay, so the Soho House. Someone really put Soho House on the map, was inventing the Cronut. Not the exclusivity, not the clientele.

That Cronut. Never addressed to the connection, but I don't know. I don't know. Again, it's for elite people. I guess we're just too lowly. That's right. Again, it's for elite people. I guess we're just too lowly. That's right. So, okay. So, this was working for a while, it seems like.

It was. Why did it change? Well, I ran out of clientele. It felt like people were losing their homes. Oh, because of these apples. Yes, losing their cars. They kept coming to me. They said, Reed, listen, I can't afford these apples anymore.

I've had to foreclose on my home. Oh, good Lord. And I was like, well, then you're not getting an apple. All right. But then once everybody's house got foreclosed upon. Just probably let it get that far. They did. They never stopped and sat around the kitchen table and had the hard conversations like maybe not the $40 apples. I guess it really did something in their brains where they convinced themselves these apples not only were worth $40, but that they had to keep buying them to the point where they lose their home.

I seem to remember a little while ago, there was sort of a thing where there were a couple moms at school. You know, if I now really think about it, they started dressing differently. They started acting differently. Like they were, you know, just this thing that sort of made them like, it was about, it was like a class thing. It was like a real class thing. And I didn't, I wasn't any part of it, you know, because I don't, I don't eat apples. No, you refuse.

I refuse. And why is that again? Well, it's because of Snow White, honestly. That is a common complaint I heard. It is. Oh, what is it? Yes. Oh, it's not just me.

It's a common apple aversion. Oh, wow. Oh, well, see, there you go. Okay. What's number two? Worms? Number two. Yes.

Number two is people who can't unsee an apple as a car from those Richard Starr cars. How lowly. And they can't get past. And that worm lowly. Yeah, lowly worm. They're like, I can't eat a car. Do you know what? Those apple cars really do defy sort of physics.

And you look at it and you're like, that is not natural. It's not. I totally understand that. Get that. Boy, if you could drive a big apple like that as your car. A dream. You like it. It's a dream. I'd pay 40 bucks for that. Get that. Boy, if you could drive a big apple like that as your car. A dream. You like it. It's a dream.

I'd pay 40 bucks for that. I'd pay 40 bucks for a car. I mean, yeah, that makes sense. Now, Reed, were you ever worried that people would just keep the seeds from these apples and grow their own $40 apple? But I suppose, did they know? Well, I'll let you answer. I'm sorry.

I'm very invested in this. You've blown my mind here. That never once occurred to me. Or anyone else, apparently. Never occurred. Because people were going broke. Yes, they were. I'm thinking, was it because,

did they seem that they tasted more amazing because they spent that much money for it? You know, it's just like when you go to a show and everyone stands now because they need to believe that they dumped a lot of money on something that was amazing. So they have money for it. You know, it's just like when you go to a show and everyone stands now because they need to believe that they dumped a lot of money on something that was amazing. So they have to experience it.

It is true that every show gets a standing ovation. Every show. Every single show. I mean, it's true. It's just true. And I've seen some shows that. I went to my niece's Christmas play

down at the middle school. Absolute trash. Oh, I heard about that. I heard that show was bad. It was bad. It was offensive. Oh, right. Yes, that is.

I did hear about that. A fight broke out on stage. Yes. Standing ovation. Standing ovation. When you see an angry standing ovation, when people, oh, it's like nothing else. They did it.

They did it. That's how shows end now. That's how shows end now. That's how shows end now. Every show is a hit. It is a weird phenomenon. It's true. And then you can always see like the two people who are like, we'll not, we will not, we are not going to do it.

We absolutely will not. And then it's almost like just a pure pressure thing where you see them get their shit done. Easier to kneel for the national anthem than not participate in a standing ovation at a play. I'd co-sign that. Oh, Lord. So, okay.

Do you have more questions about the crime? Not about... Oh, boy. I feel like we got off track from the crime. I guess we did. But what I wanted was the origin story we got. We've got their friends. We know why they are not friends.

Now they're friends again. You were selling the fruit. I want to know what Will was doing at this time. Well, Will was on his own therapy journey. Actually, he was quite traumatized. By the way, I turn my back on him in third grade. He didn't ever really venture out into the world or have any kind of endeavors of his own. He was kind of just sitting there in kind of suspended animation waiting for me to come back and apologize something that

happened in third grade he never moved just rendered him inert wow completely was he did he ever like move out or like get a job oh no no no no no no oh so it's just this 24 year old kid just like hanging out oh yeah so then at this time your business is failing so now you're hanging out what does that look like tell me about that so our first hangout we uh i i invited him over for dinner i was like hey i live independently come look and uh how's the meal because i know you say you're not really that's the issue okay. I said, come over for dinner. I thought that he was going to bring food. Oh, no.

Yeah. I think usually when you say come over for dinner, that's a tricky one. Huh? Yeah. I thought. Bring dinner. Would you expect them to bring the dinner? Would I think I should bring the dinner?

I would think I should bring the dinner. But you would. Four should bring the dinner. But the word for. Okay. Right. Because I would say, I guess if someone said come over with dinner, I would bring dinner. Come over for the purpose of bringing dinner. Oh, okay. There are a couple words missing.

There's some reading between the lines. There's some subtext there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you feel like that's crystal clear. Clearer as a bell. Okay. So what happens? Will comes over, no food. crystal clear. Clearer as a bell. Okay, so what happens? Will comes over, no food.

No food. He's looking at me. I don't have food. Oh, no. What a rough start. Rough start. So we're hangry. Oh, no.

And he's got to be terrified to say anything because he's only just got his friend back. Absolutely. He knows that he is a hair for me. All right? A hair. Oh. Yeah, Reed gets it. Absolutely. He knows that he is a hair for me. A hair? Oh! Yeah, Reed gets it. So I say to him, we got to fix this, right? Yeah.

And he doesn't like cold food. I don't like cold food. Oh, right. So. Oh, this is how it was born? This is how it was born. Oh, wow. You've been doing it for a while?

How many years now? About 14 years. Wow. We have taken chicken ting of tacos. We have taken pork shoulders. We have taken. Always a tacos. We have taken pork shoulder. We have taken. Always a meat. Always a meat meal.

Yes. Chicken and dumpling soup. We have taken taquitos. We have taken, you know, those little soup dumplings that they sell at Trader Joe's. That's not technically a home cooked meal, but if you make it at home, it is. Somebody else made it in their home. Exactly. Well, so.

So hang on. The the the. What do I want to say? The container is not always a crockpot. Somebody else made it in their home. Exactly. Well, so hang on. What do I want to say? The container is not always a crock pot. So are you talking about stealing things from ovens or stovetops? What does that look like? Because it seemed like the crock pot was very convenient. Very convenient.

But I bet you it's not that easy every time. You know, generally we go for food that's sitting in the vessel. So we'll take a crock pot. We'll take an instant pot, a slow cooker. We'll take a toaster. We'll'll take a crock pot. We'll take an instant pot, a slow cooker. We'll take a toaster. Okay. We'll also take a more elevated toaster. We'll take an air fryer

in a second. Would you take a hot dog toaster? 100%. Okay. Of course. Would you return that toaster? Absolutely. Oh, okay.

You will always return the equipment. I get it. Especially because then the food is the one thing you take and then it's gone. Right. I don't want all that stuff

in my house. You don't even want the food in your house no could you just describe your home to us okay so imagine a structure okay bare walls okay all right no not a ton of furniture okay okay it's all the blow-up kind so i blow it up every morning I think I was already picturing that and I take the air out because you don't want to see it so let's say I wake up in the morning I unblow my bed right

you have to inhale it yes it's like the seven Chinese brothers then I go out into my living room I blow up a chair okay do you hold the air from the bed yes that's a great question Just deflate. Then I go out into my living room. I blow up a chair. Okay. Okay. Sit down.

Do you hold the air from the bed? Yes. That's a great question. I go, I go, walk over. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. You've got some good luck capacity. Well, probably from running out of houses with heavy equipment in your hands. Can I ask when you, when you deflate the furniture,

do you just leave it where it is? Like when people have those blow up Christmas decorations that are just dead on the lawn? Yeah. I just leave them. I leave them set right where they're at. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Just let's work for later. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. So, all right. So you start doing this and it just, what, it just sort of, it's one of the, probably one of those things where you blink and 15 years, 14 years later, you're doing it. Exactly. And is it the only meal you get each day?

Yes. Or are you doing this for breakfast? Yes. It's a high stakes situation. So this is high stakes. This is the one meal you get. It's got to have everything. And Will and I have a couple of dietary restrictions.

Oh no. We have likes and dislikes. I had not seen this coming. I did not. It's a real twist. Exactly. He does not like beans. Ooh, that isikes. I had not seen this coming. I did not. It's a real twist. Exactly. He does not like beans. Oh, that is.

And I don't like tomato. That's going to take you out. That's going to take you out of Chili's. Yeah. So sometimes they're both out of Chili, right? Yeah, they're both out of Chili. I said you. I meant your head would spin if you'd known how many Chili's we'd thrown away.

Oh, why? Because once you were hoping they were like chili that had your restrictions? We're hoping for white chili. White all-meat chili. With no beans. No beans. Just ground beef.

Does such a thing exist? It's just ground beef. So, do you, by now, since you've been doing this for so long, do you know by smell if it's something that you're going to enjoy? I bet you their sense of smell is really heightened. It's like I have the nose of a greyhound. It's like I can smell notes.

I'm like, okay, that has Cholula in it. I can smell sage. I can smell every spice. I can smell whether it's veggie broth or chicken broth. Okay. sage i can smell every spice you can smell whether it's veggie broth or chicken broth okay um and so usually i'll just i'll start you know letting the smell inform my thinking and then i'll go in there i'll take a peek i might even take a taste okay if there's a spoon available oh wow that's kind of bold yeah uh any any uh issue where something went so terribly wrong that you almost

considered you know leaving leaving this oh yeah behind. Oh yeah. Any close calls. Yeah. Close call. Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. So, uh, here's the thing. One time we did our whole routine and getting there.

We know that this person, this guy slated to make a pot roast. This is like, cause you've been watching him for four weeks. You've watched the groceries go in the house. Yes. And it's a what pot pie? A pot roast. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I heard the pot's a what pot pie? A pot roast. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

I heard the pot fart. Okay. Yes. A pot roast. I don't know what went wrong in this gentleman's life, but we got in there and he was making a singular grilled cheese. What? Oh, that's a bad day.

But he'd been slated. He was slated to make a pot roast. All right. So he, I don't know. Again, I don't know what went wrong in his life. Oh, just a single solitary grilled cheese. A's so sad at first i was like i can accept this because it seemed like he was using two different kinds of cheese so it seemed like an elevator and it's your only meal of the day absolutely yeah and you'd have to split it absolutely so and you guys are good on cheese

and bread we're good we're good both of us and it's on on the go foods list all right so i get in there and i see i see that you know obviously it looks like the grilled cheese is almost done. Right. It's looking nice and crispy brown on the top. Okay. Grab a spatula, flip it over the bread on the other side, not cooked at all. And now the clock is running. The clock is running. And what's he doing? Where's this guy? You just step in front of him in the kitchen or what? He's got his eye on the hockey game. Oh, you know, these people are all just so tied to their tv they just don't even notice someone coming into their house and taking their food yeah but when what year was this because this was 2004 yeah 2004 oh the championship and we finally made it it

was the first time that dignity falls was in the hockey championships and um it was the uh what was the name of the team because the Puckers. The Puckers and they disbanded after that. They did. Because they did not go all the way and they said, that's it. Hang it up.

We thought we had a real miracle on our hands. Yeah. We really thought that it was going to just. Oh my God, they pre-printed all those t-shirts. Kurt Russell was already slated to star in a film about it.

He was slated. He was slated. He was slated. Yeah. Just like this guy was slated. What happened? So anyways. Something went wrong. Something went wrong. So you're in there, you flip it over. What do you do? slated it was slated yeah just like this guy was slated what happened so anyways someone wrong so you're in there you flip it over what do you do the grilled cheese is not done grilled cheese is

not done so and i'm seeing will out which means that the cheese isn't done it's not done that's not done yeah and will is not good under pressure as i said he doesn't have a lot of life experience he's not good off the cuff you're the leader leader. Yeah. So he starts flailing out there. So Will and the owner of the house, they are in the living room. Watching the hockey game. Watching the hockey game while this grilled cheese is cooking.

But he's panicking. Will's trying to be like, oh, I'm just about to fix the cable box. But he said Babel Cox. No. He lost the plot. He starts unraveling. And there's no way.

If you have an AT&T guy in your home and he's a Babel coach. You don't get that wrong. You're like, okay, something's up here. It's not right. You don't get that wrong. Oh, that's so embarrassing for him. Horrible. AT&T provider.

What? Sorry, AT&T provider? Yeah. What did I say? Guy. Okay, Doug. I do apologize. I respect that.

Doug keeping us honest. he's the term police. I don't know who I'm offending there. I don't know. Because you know that our guest is not a real one. It's a cover for a criminal activity. But they use the proper title, which is provider. I think it's nice that they're called providers. I do apologize.

Thanks for keeping us honest, Doug. I do. Thank you, Doug. Okay, so he says Babel Cox, then what happens? Now this guy is maybe an ear Cox. The man's like, now what are y'all doing in my house? I know y'all aren't.

I know y'all aren't. You're out here saying Babelcox. The veil has been pierced. What's going on? Exactly. And he's like, I had a couple friends that lost some salmon last week. Is that what this is? Oh, no.

And what a get, by the way. If you had a couple salmons in a row, poof. Were they different preparations? Yes. One was baked. One was braised. Cedar preparations? Yes. One was baked. One was braised. Yes. I'm getting into this.

Honestly, the rush of it of like, I know what it is, but I don't know quite how good it's going to be. And I took it and it's hot. It's very Thelma and Louise. Okay. I'd be disappointed, of course, if I showed up and that grilled cheese was there. Thank you. Very much so. Yeah. So, so he's like, I'd be disappointed of course if I showed up and that grilled cheese was there.

Thank you. Very much so. Yeah. I'm on the ride with you. Okay. So he's, so he's like, get out of my house.

And then did you just go? No grilled cheese, no nothing. No grilled cheese. No dinner that night. No nothing. Wow. And then are you like,

what am I doing with my life? And Will and I got, again, we're hangry, got into a little bit of a tiff. Oh, hangry is your hair. Reopen,

reopen old wounds. Yes. So that, got into a little bit of a tiff. Oh, hangry is your hair. Reopen old wounds. Yes. So that was a dark period for us. And so we didn't eat until the next night. What was it? Was it good? It was okay. Oh, no.

What was the top? Casserole. Oh, casserole. What was the top meal ever that you stole? Oh, great question, Joe. Kobe beef. Wow. Kobe beef. It wasn't cooked to the temp, I prefer. If beef. Ooh. Kobe beef.

It wasn't cooked to the temp, I prefer, if I'm going to be picky. Okay. But it was delicious. All right. I have a question that maybe is weird. Did you ever, like, stake out our house and maybe you just didn't like the looks

of what I was going to prepare and just decide not to? Because I'm kind of thinking this is many years of meal stolen in Dignity Falls. And I've never been. It's not that big a neighbor. My meal has never been stolen. I'm not going to answer that, but unrelated. Have you ever thought about not putting raisins in your spaghetti.

It's a family recipe. Thank you for saying that. It's a family recipe. I know you think it sounds disgusting. I'm telling you it's good. I can't explain. It's not good, Joan. Now that we're talking about it.

Let's have open dialogue. It's not good. They don't belong in there. They don't go together. It's not. It doesn't matter what kind of sauce you put on there. No, it's not good.

I've eaten it on three occasions. Three different preparations. My great, great, great, great grandma Sylvia created this dish and it is just, it's really.

And you always say there's going to be a little surprise in there. Like we don't know it's raisins. And you can't see. I mean, raisins are in there. It's covered in rais Like we don't know it's raisins. And you can't see. I mean, raisins are in there.

It's covered in raisins. It's garnished with raisins as well as I picked up on. I've watched you sprinkle the raisins over the top. She uses the two scoops like the raisin brand. The way. It was very old fashioned. And I saw, I mean, I don't want, this is off the record. This is unrelated to me apparently. But I have heard tell that when there was a national raisin shortage, you even once did raisinets.

Yeah, it was. The raisin shortage did not affect the production of Raisin S. Dead of winter. No. Did not. Makes you think. They're probably made overseas. What's inside those things? They're probably made overseas.

Wow. Okay. I have been... Listen, I asked the question. I put myself out there. Yeah. And we have not discussed this dish before. We're really opening the family Babelcox.

Now, Doug, in your mind, what does that mean? What does that mean exactly? It's kind of like a can of worms. Okay. All right. Oh, man. Well, listen. Can I suggest something?

Oh, all right. Honestly, Reed, you don't even realize you probably just brought up something that Doug has been sitting on for 20 years or so. I think this might... I'm just curious if you haven't tried this yet. I think it might really help your relationship with Will.

Just take a good dodgeball, whip it at his shoulder. Get him back for all those years ago. I think you're onto something there. That sounds like it could be very healing. Wow. Yeah.

I'm going to try it. Okay. Are you going to do it and let him know or are you going to take it by surprise? No, it's going to be a full-on surprise. Full-on. I mean, you were surprised. I was taken.

That's true. You know what? That's true. The betrayal isn't even if you don't do it that way that's true you gotta keep the betrayal somebody has to you have to keep the betrayal

I'm gonna hire someone to throw it I'm gonna set it up such as like a hitman yes a dodgeball hitman you're gonna go in the dark

dodgeball for hire I'm gonna position Will and myself I'm gonna stand a little bit in front of him and I'm gonna tell the hitman when i wink that's when you you throw right and then i'm gonna duck wow wow you're gonna get him into that scenario though i guess it sounds like he kind of does whatever he does whatever i say yeah until maybe this moment and maybe he needs that sort of

wake-up call and empowering moment of like oh hey you know maybe i need to sort of make make some calls myself, stand up for myself a little bit more. Yeah, yeah. Right? But not too much. Well, but not too much because you need that.

You like that status. Yeah, you like that dynamic. Wow. Well, Reed, I mean. I'm just riveted by this. Honestly, it's got adventure. It's got. It really does.

You know, I got called out on an old recipe that I will be honest i'm gonna have to sit down and think about this and um but you like it you think uh well you know i'm just starting to think that if uh you know that if you're taught to love it uh from an early age that maybe i didn't make my own decision about it and i was just fed this literally and figuratively from my, from my non-culture of, of non-denominationally Christian white women that told me that this was our culture, that this is what we had to pass down and that it was very, very good. And maybe it's actually trash. It's not good. But if it helps, the one that was least objectionable was just the butter and oil with the spaghetti and raisins. Not to say that it was good, but adding a sauce made it so much worse. Red sauce, cream sauce, pesto. Red sauce, cream sauce pesto cream sauce

dream sauce were you doing a doctor suit yes he was red sauce cream sauce raisins too white sauce brown sauce even blue it is not good it is no good for you

get that out of my stew throw it in the shoe. Throw it in the shoe. This is garbage. I don't know what to do. So, Reed, are you going to continue doing this activity? Absolutely. And what made you want to come on to the show?

There we go. That's the question of the moment. Well, at the end of the day, it's about accountability. True. I am a very accountable person. And I like, I feel like full disclosure, it's going to happen. It's going to happen plenty more times. It's going to happen again. And in fact, I'd like to take this moment since I have the floor to let everyone in Dignity Falls know to not be afraid to try new recipes.

To not be afraid to try new recipes, to not be afraid to buy new appliances. If you want to experiment with maybe cold soups, that's not something I could do, but I just feel like if people can branch out a little bit more, if they feel led to do so. Not gazpachos though, because I believe those involve tomatoes, right?

Correct. Don't do those. Does it always involve tomatoes? Does it? I thought that it did. I asked you. Well, we have no way to figure it out. You turned that back on me so fast.

Did I ask? I think I felt solidarity. Like, well, yeah, let's talk about this some more. You know what? I'm just experiencing a lot of volatility from the raisins. So I feel like that's what I'm still getting. I'm getting that energy. Absolutely.

I'm getting that energy. What's the other kind of cold soup? What it called it's like a like um is is borscht cold or no i think it's borscht was hot i think it's hot is borscht hot wow oh i heard it that time yeah that was pointed okay sorry about Sorry about that. Huh. Well, boy, I am learning my lessons today. Okay. So, yes. And just take that to heart. The equipment that you get, if it is new, it will be returned.

Absolutely. So, don't worry about that. And this is only nonviolent. Completely. Yes. In fact, it's a warm interaction. Right. Honestly.

And I think of it sometimes as a social call. Uh-huh. Okay. Sure. Right. You know, like, we do have our elders that are alone in our houses sometimes. action right honestly and i think of it sometimes as a social call uh-huh okay sure right you know like we do have our elders that are alone in in our houses sometimes you're just checking to make sure that one lady is doing great she can run like the terminator too she can exactly she watches her favorite program she's doing okay i feel like there are plenty of people in dignity falls sitting there thinking listen the most exciting days of my life are behind me. Nothing surprising is ever going to happen to me again.

Oh my gosh. Nothing magical is ever going to happen to me again. And along come me and Will to show them that that ain't true. Do you know what, Reed? This might be literally a genius move coming on this podcast marketing because just like your $40 apples that it becomes something that you have to have. I can see a bunch of women being like, well, I want,

I haven't, I mean, I asked this question myself. No one's come to take, you're the template for it. I'm the template for it. Then it becomes a status symbol. Yeah.

It becomes a status symbol. Attribute to your own cooking. Yeah, because otherwise you're a shitty cook. If you haven't, they haven't visited your house by now. You're pretty bad.

And, and just to be just to be i guess i gotta throw this out there reed you won't go to a restaurant no okay that's not home cooked okay that's what i thought oh fair fair that's what i thought yeah yeah it's very clear that's what i thought what what if someone named the restaurant home? I was going to ask that. That's a bridge I'd have to cross when I get to it, but it sounded like a yes. Okay.

It does sound a little bit, I'll have to come in and take it. Yeah. No, of course. Sounds a little bit like nibbling a Ritz cracker into square to me type situation. Well, it's the integrity is not there. I think that you've hit on something.

I mean, I swear i can see this becoming the next big thing is that you know everyone's begging for you to come and get food so honestly you know what best of luck to you do you ever do apartments yeah well burnt might be next you never know well but i don't cook you don't eat me i noticed he's got you you scoped my place on absolutely it's kind of fun it's nice to be included I love it so much though I feel like you're eating way too many fruit leathers

in the day how else am I going to eat leather it's the only way it's the only way to stimulate it I pretend I'm a goat you know I wish they would make like a fruit tin can oh burton you and your eating habits i'll tell you what i have problems right yeah you definitely do uh but you know what reed does not uh because i think that we're onto something here so uh

are i'm sorry to not have met will but our love to him and uh will be redacted please give our love to him well because he sounds likeacted. Please give our love to him. Well, because he sounds like he's been through a lot, you know, I really, you know, and I hope that dodgeball hit goes well. Thank you so much. Okay. Thanks for being here. Well, we are entirely on board with everything you do and have

done. Appreciate it. All right. More when the Neighborhood Listen returns. worn once for school play. Honestly, you know, I don't really even care about whether or not you want the costume. What I want is to get this picture out of my house. If you see it, if you look at the picture that I've posted, it is, it not only does it look like a woman in her 20s, dressed as a pilgrim, not a child, but her neck and her hands are bent in such a way that can only be described in association with the occult. Her head is snapped to the left like Satan. left like Satan, and her hands are flexed in a way that says, I can't even get these hands together to pray.

They won't even do it. So I can't have this Blumhouse nightmare staring at me from across the room anymore. So please, come get it. I'll give it to you for free. Welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. Wow. What a, boy oh boy. I think honestly I gotta say it,

just what a, one of the most memorable interviews ever. Almost like a Robin Hood except not passing it on. Yes, not passing it on. Not hurting anyone. Not really. No, just passing it on. But like not hurting anyone. Not really. I mean, just emotionally torturing his friend.

There is a part of me that's wondering if it's socially irresponsible of us to sort of get so excited about it and say it might turn into a fad. But you know what? The world is crazy enough that I really think it would be. The next thing that you want someone to come and steal your food because it means you're a good cook. Truer words were never spoken. The world is so crazy right now. All right. I mean, I know it is,

but it's sort of obvious. I feel, Joan, I feel like there's something happening with us where I say something sincerely sometimes and you take it as an attack. And it's very confusing to me because it makes me think,

do I not have control of my own intonation? I have never related to you more, my friend. We got to go to Rummy Tummy after this. You guys are going to go out for a drink again? It's been a year or so. It's been a while. I'd love to.

We should. A golden tea? Please, they got the 2022 version. No. Yes. Did they really yes hello Joan I'm so

sorry we did get carried away I'll carry your robe the back of it oh yeah you're good kids you do have to be careful do you have to get that dry cleaned yeah I can't take that to the bar listen I'll explain what happens in my brain I'll explain what happens in my brain for i'll explain

what happens in my brain sometimes you'll repeat what i sometimes you repeat what i said and when i hear it i'm like oh that actually is a kind of obvious thing to say you know and and now i'm in my head thinking i'm hearing my words back i was like well it could have come out more profound and i miss that you are i don't think that you are. So my reaction is, is hate against myself. Not me thinking that you're insulting me. Does that make sense? It does. And sometimes, and I know it's tricky for you because sometimes I am repeating what you said because it was ludicrous.

And sometimes I'm repeating because I agree. And how are you to know the difference? Well, listen, I think that we're all still reeling from, from crime and cry. And I know that that's a thing. From what? Crime and cry. When you thought I said crime. Oh, crime and cry.

Of course. Oh, what a fiasco. I believe you thought he said crime. That's right. I thought he said crime. It doesn't matter. It's all water under the bridge. How about.

We don't need to re-litigate that. I don't think that you're insulting me. And I'm sorry that it confuses you Okay Because I would never Joan you're my dear friend Of course I don't want to insult you One of my best friends

One of My best friends Out of the home Out of the home Outside of home An outside home best friend That's right I'm okay with that

Okay good So there's home friends There's work friends There's outside of the home friends Yes Who you don't work with But we do work together Because we do this podcast

Yeah So am I a double friend You're a double friend and so are you doug yeah i'm a double friend you're a work husband do you know what you're both work husbands in a weird way for me because your work husband you have a work husband me yes but then also i work with my husband yeah that's wild you're a double husband. Do what you love. Never work a day in your life. Are you talking about mostly being married to me? Yeah.

Do what you love. How about my suggestion for this, the dodgeball throw? Oh, I thought we all, oh, cool,

great. Oh, S goes out. Wait, we're going to go back and say what we all enjoyed that we said? I just thought that was a pretty impressive suggestion from me.

I can't remember, babe. I'm so sorry. Can you remind me? To hire someone to throw the dodgeball. Oh, yes. And get back at Will B. Redacted. Yes. I don't really understand how that scenario is going to work out for them.

Because I feel like unless Will is just really not intelligent, he's going to know something's up. He kind of doesn't sound like the smartest guy. I guess it's kind of true. Yeah. Hey, Bert. Babel cocks. Do you want to take another crack at Santa? I feel like you should keep trying.

What do you mean another crack? Well, I mean, I feel like you're still finding it, right? It's been a while. Okay. Now that's just a while. Okay. Now that's just a grotesque imitation of a French person. What do you want for Christmas? Okay. So it's still coming.

You want the titrate? That reminds me, what should I be doing in this Santa shop, the workshop? You know why he's confused? Because I was always the one that wrapped all the presents. Right. Got all the gifts. You know, that thing where the kiddo is like opening a present and then Doug would be like, hey, you got, oh.

And he realized he got excited about the toys that when Matt and- Matt Jr. Matt Jr. would open a present and Doug would be like, hey, it's the, oh, gift we gave you, right? You know, because he didn't see any of the gifts, you know, because like I bought them all.

It just is what it is. Joni, you know what would be great? What? If you did, can you draw? A little bit. If you... She can draw a skull and crossbones.

It looks really friendly. What? Oh, because you guys have the... Why did you... You have all those jars of poison. Homemade poison. What are we talking about? When you would try to warn me against,

you know, eating something. Yeah. Yes. Or, you know, little post-its. Put it on leftovers.

And they're always smiling really big. Yeah. That's nice. I had to get locks for all the cupboards, but everyone just busted through them. They thought it was a game or a challenge. So I ended up having to draw. Yes.

Like skull and crossbones on everything. Okay. So what is it that you want me to do i think you should draw a comic strip about what it's like to be a married mom i mean that might be a good idea but i prefer this medium and you know why because there's no like comments that i have to like look at. Very true. Very true. So, so I'm going to, I'm going to respectfully decline that, but thank you for this. I can't be upset. You respectfully declined.

Okay. I thank you. I accept your declination. Oh, my what? Declination. My declination. Okay. Got it. All right.

So, uh, we have time for one more post which i am now pulling up you get it dolly dolly you like a dolly to cry oh now that one oh that one is very um am i getting way too far away from i think you are you're you're you're you're traveling through europe in terms of your accents. And and we I just don't think we've hit on it yet. I would go with no. And in some cases, I'm a little worried about the Santa in some of these cases and his cognitive ability. So let's maybe just try no accent.

I'm not, the part that's hard for me is I'm not trying to do an accent at all. Wow. I really am not. I'm just trying to do a voice. Oh, I see. Okay.

Oh, well, Well, if you ever need a character reel, you've got it now. We just splice those together. That would be an amazing montage, babe. Just all of those Santas cut together. I could make that in the workshop. There you go. You can make that in the workshop.

Now we know what it's for. Just the thing on the computer that you can do in the workshop what what's that sound um is that the noise of the santa's workshop yeah it sounds like air compressor air compressor why do you what are you making i'm in the garage oh so there never was a santa's workshop i didn't realize that you the santa's workshop in the garage i was picturing i forgot if you could just imagine the the magical little place that i was picturing well that's what i thought but i think he's now just moved it why did you do that well i figured why did you do that We have the air compressor in here.

We have oil. We have various tools. What are you going to make? What oily toys are you going to make? What oily compressed toys are you going to make? Santa, please bring me the Star Wars action figure. Please, oh please. Can I have an oily compressed towel, please? Make it oily and compressed.

Please, make it oily. I've been good all year, please. Oh, that was closer. What you want, a doll that's compressed? Well, now you're doing it. I guess it is possible to laugh that way, naturally. Okay, here's a post. This is just, again,

it's how I've talked about this before. That sometimes, well, as with all things on apps and social media, sometimes we're just looking for validation because I'm not quite sure what any of us is supposed to say. This is a post from Terry in Oak Canyon. Hi, Terry. We haven't been saying hi to the people in the books.

We really should do it more often. We said hi to the one Argentinian who we have no idea his name is. Please get at us. Get at us. This says, here's another room I staged in my mother's house. This time the living room. What do you think? And look, it's just, I have to be honest.

As a realtor, I've staged many houses. Is this okay? But what are we to do? Is this really what Nextdoor should be used for? You know, I thought that we're sort of alerting people to dangers or finding lost dogs and turtles and watching out for coyotes. Is one better than the other? I just don't know. It looks like a real lateral move to me.

It looks like an absolutely lateral move. There is no difference in the two pictures. Not even a different angle. And that bothers me, again, as a realtor. How many do you think that this person has staged? I don't know, because they said another. Yeah. Oh, and in this case, yeah, in this case, I'm going to assume, well, who knows?

I don't know if Terry's a man or a woman. Terry's the DJ Khaled of staged rooms. But I mean, this is, I mean, I'm sorry. Did she stage all the loose pieces of paper on the coffee table? You know what? I bet that she did. So that to make the other picture look better. Oh, is it clean?

Is it clear? Like, look, before there was a bunch of shit on the table. Now there isn't. Oh, I see. This is the before and after. I'm assuming. Yeah. But it barely looks like it.

She's forcing it. Terry is forcing us to do a lot of the heavy lifting here in understanding what it is that she's accomplished. All that happened is she got a rectangular table, cleaned it. I mean, to be honest, the other table would have been fine. You just need to clean it. And then a circular chair. And that's it. A circular stool, okay?

And added a plant. Listen, I'm not trying to dump on Terry's interior design, but I just feel like sometimes there's just a misuse of the app where I just don't know. It's like, yes. Okay, good. Good. Great job. Yeah.

And it's not that I don't want to be encouraging to people in life, but. Do you think Terry is, is this somehow, is this tied to a professional thing? Is she, or is she trying to get into the real estate game? I mean, there's, there's no room. I got news for her. Wow. There's no room. It's all jammed up.

It's all jammed up. As you know, I mean, I was considering drastic changes just to stay in the game myself. I know. Although it does give me an idea. Oh, go on. Really? Well, maybe. I haven't shot the pilot yet.

But maybe she could be a storyline. Maybe because now I feel bad about sort of like being sort of a little critical. Right. Maybe it's sort of like an apprenticeship type thing. Maybe I should contact Terry. You tell her to her face that she doesn't know. No, no, no. I just say, here's how we could maybe make this a little better.

And if you are serious about this, if you are serious about this, well, let me take you under my wing, you know? Wow. Maybe I need someone. I mean, I want to, the pilot is supposed to be me helping all these young people wanting to get into the game but what if it's someone who's sort of i i just get this sense that she's older she says it's her mom's room i'm assuming her mom is older i don't think that this is a teenager who who decorated

her mom's room right she's an older woman right i get the sense that she's an older woman it takes one to know one and i believe that that's someone who wants a second career. What if she turns out to be 10 years old? I mean, then I would be impressed. Right? Then I would be impressed. Then I'd say, well, I hope I work for you someday. Well, then why don't we operate under the assumption that she is 10?

And then we can be impressed by this and it will have served a purpose. I guess. I guess. We know she's not 10 though. I would imagine a 10 year old would be using neighbor hap snap. Not just the neighbor snap. It's the cooler version. Yeah.

I bet they'd be using neighbor snap. The messages disappear. Yes. Yeah. There's also like a, I think a parody of us on neighbor hap snap. What? Yes. You didn't see it. What, a parody of us on NeighborHapSnap. What? Yes. You didn't see it?

What? I don't know whether to be honored or insulted. They're pretty gross caricatures. I mean, they did. What would they even make fun of? Good question. Oh, good question, Doug. Well, anyways, I am not going to go fishing for that.

I'm not going to go looking for it, okay? Heaven knows I don't need that. I'm already self-conscious enough as it is. I know. But we're all very glad that you're not going to go fishing for that. I'm not going to go looking for it, okay? Heaven knows I don't need that. I'm already self-conscious enough as it is. I know. But we're all very glad that you're not going through with the TFC. As of yet, we are not. I reserve the right to change my mind at any point. Or your face.

I mean. That's right. I think that, yeah. I can change my mind about my face anytime I want, Doug. Well, anyways, all of you out there whose faces I can see, I hope that you are well and we'll see you next time. I know I don't do this part. You wanted me to do, you know, had to try it.

But like, I don't, you know, I didn't ask you to do this. Now, see, in that case, it does seem like you were saying something to me. And it was a little critical. Now, is this me? Am I imagining things? You nailed that one. She's about to call you buddy. Oh, no, I really didn't like it.

It feels bad. It really gave me a shiver. All right, well, thank you so much for joining us on The Neighborhood Listen. Did I already tell them about CBB World? I don't think so, but it wouldn't hurt to say it again. You know what? You're right. Maybe I'll say it three times per episode. Okay. But listen, if you would like to hear ad-free versions of The Neighborhood Listen, or if you would like to have access to the bonus room where we have bonus episodes that cover all sorts of things outside of the neighbor hap,

but in the world, I've got to evolve. Wow. Santa? Santa. Ha ha. You go to cbbworld.com and sign up on the Maximus tier and a world of treasures awaits you.

Yes. All right. Well, we'll be back. Maybe a super cut of burnt Santa voices. We'll be back next week with more Neighborhood Listen. Until then, goodbye. Goodbye. All of the posts used in this episode were real.

Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Lauren Ashley Smith. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers.

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