The Neighborhood Listen - Don't Blow It with Dhruv Uday Singh

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

Burnt shares his lie detector dreams, Joan reveals how her mother withheld bread, and Doug takes us through his latest field research. Later, guest Pauly needs to get rid of 1000 plastic meatballs.Make sure to check out TNL live at SF Sketchfest this year, on February 4th. Also catch Brett playing guitar with Off Book and Every Place I Cry, playing several shows including Sketchfest. And do NOT miss Nicole Parker as she returns to the Off-Broadway hit, Titanique!Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to the entire ad-free archive as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. And now, please enjoy this in to The Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once more to The Neighborhood Listen, the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. I am one of your hosts. My name is Bermia Pate. I'm a pharmacist here in Dignity Falls. And with me as always is... Oh, the other host. And I'm Joan Pedestrianday. I'm a pharmacist here in Dignity Falls. And with me as always is. Oh, the other host.

And I'm Joan Pedestrian. And I'm a realtor here in Dignity Falls. And proud of it. No lies detected. Oh, I passed. I passed. That's something that's online. Have you ever.

What's online? Oh, like that one thing the kids say now. No lies detected. No lies detected. Probably not kids anymore. Probably in their 30s. It's probably already extremely past. By the time it out it's always never you it means something completely different now that's right now it means you are lying yes have you ever thought

about taking a lie detector test it makes me i i would get so stressed don't i think about it all the time it's your new rowan empire i can't speak for all men but i i imagine that most of us think about lie detector tests probably five times a day rent free um okay are you serious really tell me about yeah i do i think about it a lot because i think how you know why because i want to fool it you want to beat it of course you do of course i feel like that's a very masculine thing i just have to say oh you want to fool it. You want to beat it. Of course you do. Of course. I feel like that's a very masculine thing. I just have to say. Oh, you want to pass. You don't want to be in trouble.

Correct. Isn't that so interesting, Burnt? Wow. There's a study on that somewhere, I'm sure. That the man just wants to beat the lie detector test. And I just, I just don't want to, I don't want to get in trouble. Jode, are you all right? I had a lot of caffeine today.

Your eyes are welling up. It's actually coffee. Oh, I see your brown tears coming out of your today. Your eyes are welling up. It's actually coffee. Oh, I see your brown tears coming out of your eyes. Yes, I do. That's too much coffee, Joan. Well, I'll tell you what. I think it is too much coffee. You know, my grandma really had to go, you know, to the ladies room.

She'd say, my back teeth are floating, which I always thought was so funny. Yes, yes, yes. My eyeballs are floating in caffeine. I may have mentioned this before, but my mother used to say when she was very hungry, my stomach thinks my throat's been cut. Wow. Wait a minute. I need to unpack that. I need to diagram that almost on a chalkboard. Absolutely. Can you take me through that again? Yes. My stomach thinks my throat's been cut. Absolutely. Can you take me through that again? Yes.

My stomach thinks my throat's been cut. My stomach thinks my throat's been cut. Like somehow the delivery system to the stomach has been cut off. Yes. Is that what she's saying? I believe so, yes. What a violent way to say I'm hungry. It's very violent.

Well, she was a violent lady. No. Yeah. I mean, she did not. All I really know about your mother is that she provided you your favorite snack, which was toast burnt to an absolute black charred crisp. Absolute charred. The last square food I could eat.

To where it just scraped the roof of your mouth. Yes. Yes. It just tasted like eating a charcoal briquette. I just don't know anything else, though. She was not abusive, though. She was just she was just violent in her manner. She said violent imagery.

She said violent things all the time. Like, how would you say goodnight to you? Like instead of a bed bugs bite, was it even worse than that? Yes, it was. What was the little rhyme she used to do? She used to say, now you sleep and close your eyes.

In the morning, hope you rise. Should a monster enter here, I will say goodbye, my dear. Oh, my goodness. And then just close the door and sleep. Oh, she would run out of the room. Run out of the room. What a choice. She would run out of the room and slam the door.

Oh, my goodness. That is a terrible way to be put to sleep as a child. But you know what? After a while, I liked it. You liked it. Of course you did. Because I knew she wasn't serious. You know what? Kids love dark stuff. They really do. It's kind of do darker than you think they really do uh so okay well i want to go back to the light detector test okay so um have you watched a lot of uh of things about how to beat beat the test i hear that you have to sort of like maintain a steady heart rate right because it's all about that i believe so yes you want to maintain a steady heart rate and then of course the what

is the trick to maintaining a steady heart rate? And that, of course, is having access to as many drugs as you can imagine as a pharmacist. Oh, so you think if you can sort of drug yourself, then you could pass it? One hundred percent. What would you use? What would be your drug of choice? I'd probably create my own cocktail of things. Okay.

Okay. Because I don't want to, you don't want to slow your heart down too much. Okay. Of course, certainly not. Because eventually you would die. Yes.

It has to, it has to be at a certain. That's what I've heard. Yeah. The rumors are true. I also know that there's lots of studies that, you know,

if people look up and to the left, then they're lying, which is weird. Because honestly, that's how Doug talks just in general. Because one is

looking up to the left is lying, looking up to the left is lying. Looking up to the right is remembering. Yeah. And he honestly does a lot of both. But I think all of it is just- Lying and remembering? No, no. I think he does.

No. I think he does a lot of looking to the left and to the right. But I just think he's always just searching for the words. What do you think, babe? Yeah. Speaking of Doug, that's our engineer, Joan's husband. And he records the podcast from a different room in the house every episode.

And you know, we never figured out why that happens, but Well, I think we explored it just a little bit. I mean, because he said that the sound is different. I forget every time. Well, what's strange is he says the sound is different each time if he records, but we're the ones that are in the same place, but he says it's

better for the acoustics. And I just, you know what? I just figure, you know what? I don't know a thing about engineering. It just, I guess I'm just going to believe it.

You know, I, I'm not the expert. As Ted Lasso says, believe. Doug, where are you today? I love that yellow piece of paper. Oh,

isn't it? You know what? I went, I visited someone recently and they had that in their home no yeah oh like a like they'd made their own or but like was it merch oh man I hope they made their own it would be funny if they sold like just a yellow

legal pad note paper with a little tear in it official yeah with the TM on the bottom made in china one of those embossed stamps like a notary public all right where are you today he's in the s'mores room yeah a s'mores room uh this was actually a collab between the two of us because we have joan x doug what yes what is that another thing because see i don't know that for some reason that's the that's the thing for collaborations now is you put an x

in there i would say it's more joan featuring doug oh joan parentheses feet period period yeah i think so okay yeah uh because this is one thing that we've always bonded on is that, you know, you can never get the perfect s'more, right? It's either I don't like burnt. Sorry to say your name. Oh, boy. I wish that sentence had continued. S'more is some more. Thank you, Doug.

Okay. Thank you. He loves to tell people that. He loves to tell people that. Very few people say it the long ways anymore. The long ways. I'm not sure anyone ever did. That's true. Very few people say, give me some s'mores.

They don't say it anymore. Does anyone? They don't say it anymore. So I want to finish this sentence. Sometimes I understand why you two are together sometimes so this really works sometimes it really it's real it's just not like i i can't believe it but sometimes like oh yes of course they're men well you only see us in a very professional uh colleague type setting you know but when when when you leave it yeah i mean i'd say that we're

really more alike than not. When I'm not around. Yes. We try to maintain a real different dynamic for you. You almost sound like magical creatures that when I'm gone, you come to life. Yes. So I wanted to finish the sentence for you. A lot of people don't like a burnt marshmallow.

True. And a lot of people don't like if the chocolate doesn't melt just exactly right. Yeah. And so Doug did a lot of- These are people with disorders. We're just a lot of time on their hands. And so Doug did a lot of research on what the perfect temperature is to achieve both. Oh, I see.

So do you want to talk about it? I also did some field research. Really? I tried to think outside the box a little bit. both. I see. I also did some field research. Really? I tried to think outside the box a little bit. He went to a field and he started a fire and he tried to make the perfect marshmallow and what he realized is that it's better if you make sort of like a smokehouse.

Oh wait, so he did the ingredients individually? Okay, well he wants to talk. We all wanted to talk at the same time. We did. We really have a lot of thoughts. What if we did? What if we just didn't? I think we do a lot of the time. I think there's a lot of podcasts that are like that. That is true. Sometimes I listen back and go, I never heard any of those sentences because I.

Because I was talking. Correct. Exactly. It's fun to tune in on somebody when you listen back and say, oh, what were they saying while I was speaking? Or thinking about what I was going to say. Exactly. Okay, go on, babe.

So I went to the field and I started a little makeshift like smoke, smoker. Yes. You said. And. When you say makeshift, were you just using things that were already in the field or did you go out there with any kind of equipment whatsoever? I had tinfoil. Uh-huh.

Okay. I had a bandaid.. Uh-huh. Okay. I had a Band-Aid. Very makeshift. Okay. The Band-Aid didn't work for anything really. Yeah, I was going to say, where did you put the Band-Aid? What was your intention? On my elbow.

Okay. That's what I was thinking. Did you have some sort of scratch or cut on your elbow? Oh, yeah. Did you cut yourself with the tinfoil? I don't know that the Band-Aid needed to be mentioned. I know, but this is the thing. He always brings up, if he brings tinfoil and the, what did you say what do you say babe see I'm gonna follow up on this so that I hear good instincts

okay see it's a new year follow up yes it's a new year we do follow-ups now it's a new year I'm gonna listen to my husband I warn you against that what does that mean that's Doug that's not Well, when I listen back, which I do from time to time, I think from time to time. You listen back, babe? I didn't know. Yeah, sometimes.

Oh, wow. I'm not around when you do that. I guess I assume Doug listened back every time because he's the engineer. Well, I'm listening back right now. But he listens from time to time. What do you mean you're listening back right now? i have it this might answer are you editing another episode while you're doing this one i have a speaker of you guys this is why the room i'm in this is this

we're finally going to get the answer to why the different rooms matter right yeah so we're you have us on the speaker and And then I mic that speaker. And then that's going into... That seems like an extra step. I know. Also, wouldn't there be some sound bleed from the speaker onto your microphone that you're using to talk with us right now? Right. Yes. And it's also on a severe delay.

That's why... Severe? Severe delay. That's why sometimes there's a little bit of a pregnant pause before i respond oh that's what it is that's what it is that makes sense yeah yeah i was wondering yeah yeah because sometimes it seems like you're coming to us from satellite you know from a different place i was gonna say about 70 of what i say is worth listening to oh wow oh i would not i wouldn't sell yourself short, babe.

I think that you become so integral to our discussions and I wouldn't say that. That is a statistic I've never thought about before. How much of what I say is worth listening to? I try not to think about it. Boy, oh boy, that was all I'll think about. Move over, lie detectors. I couldn't get it out fast enough, Bert. No, oh boy. That was all I'll think about. Move over, lie detectors. I couldn't get it out fast enough, Bert.

No, you couldn't, Joan. I beat you. You sure did. Anyway, I was out in the field and I was getting frustrated because I was not optimizing the marshmallow. Right. Okay, so you had tinfoil.

What I was going to say is he always brings a band-aid because he always cuts himself on the serrated edge of the Reynolds box. So many. All the time. I see edge of the reynolds uh box so many all the time i see it all the time yeah i know oh you see it all the time in the pharmacy because we can see the band-aid aisle yes you can see the band-aid aisle and people people are just coming in just back just one after the other roll roll you know the roll one arm and holding a bloody handle off in the other. Wow.

Yeah. I don't know how those are legal. I know. They're a menace. The serrated edge on the Reynolds wrap. They are pretty rough. Okay, so you were out there. I was out there getting frustrated.

I felt like I had the chocolate going okay. Okay. No, hold on a second, because all we know that you have is tinfoil. Yeah. You didn't mention that. I don't think you mentioned how you started the fire. You had a makeshift. What was it again? A smoker. Smoker. Smoker. Smoker. Okay. I found some wood and, you know, made a fire, put the chocolate in the tinfoil, threw the tinfoil on the fire. Okay. So you had only chocolate. Usually you still have marshmallow. I knowil on the fire. Okay, so you had only chocolate. Usually you still have marshmallow.

I know, I had the marshmallow. I wasn't happy with the results I was getting. What were they? What happened? Just complete inferno. Complete inferno? Just when the marshmallow is just a blue burning orb. Yeah, and just became like pea sized

it's just blackened so then what did you discover how high was this I mean it's fire I let it burn out you know to its core oh okay the marshmallow's core as we all know

a marshmallow has a solid round center it's the seed of the marshmallow yeah that's as we all know. A marshmallow has a solid round center. A pea-sized core, yes. It's the seed of the marshmallow. Yeah, that's how we get marshmallows. That's how we get marshmallows. Don't swallow them, or a marshmallow tree will grow in your tummy. Is that another thing your mom said to you before bed?

Yeah. Anything I would swallow, she would say, it's going to grow a tree in your belly. My dad used to always say. Don't swallow that candy, it's going to grow a tree in your belly. Yeah dad used to always say. Don't swallow that candy. It's going to grow a tree in your belly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I bet you just put you on sweets. And I would go trick-or-treating.

I would just say, no, thank you. I would let them look at my costume. When they would offer the candy, I'd say, no, thanks. And then I'd walk away. That is very sad. It was fun. I still had a good time. walk away that is very sad that was fun i still had a good time anytime i drank more than a cup of something like if i had a large you know coke or something my dad would say you're gonna float

on out of here oh that's that gave me a terrifying oh yeah because it doesn't really make sense yeah i just thought as a funny dad joke. Well, like all dad jokes, if you pull it apart, boy, there's nothing there. Because if you're putting the liquid into you, why would you float? Fair enough. Yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.

Listen, I can't relate to any of these things because, you know, of course, when you... Because Doug's saying them? Have we reached 70%? Oh, my... We're tipping into the red zone, 71. The needle. Doug saying them? Have we reached 70%? Oh my. We're tipping into the red zone, 71. The needle is going a little too far.

Right. No, you know, I grew up with the kind of mother that had her own specific way of trying to get you to not, you know, it was much more passive aggressive and much more sort of, you know, at a restaurant, if the bread basket was empty and someone came and, you know, asked if we needed more, I would start to say something and my mother would just say, no, we're fine. We are fine. You know, it was always speaking for, oh, it only meant me. You know, yes, I didn't need extra bread. I learned very early to refuse extra bread.

Do you still do that to this day? Oh, my instinct is to. It really is, you know, But I start, you know. And again, ladies have a terrible reputation for, you know, doing these things. I spoke to. Okay. Well, please let me finish. Good heavens.

Well, now, you know, I felt what you said. I don't like burnt. Okay. I mean, touche. Sauce for the gander. Which was that? Sauce for the gander. Never heard of it. What's good for the goose is sauce for the gander.

I thought it was good for the goose is good for the gander. I think that's a modern adjustment because no one knows what the sauce thing means anymore. But I think the archaic way to say it is sauce for the gander. It might be what sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. And I be what sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. And I'm sorry, what's a gander? A gander is a male goose.

It is. Okay. I wondered if I was right about that. So it's what? You were. Wonder no more. Boy, we're all fast today. Maybe I've had too much coffee.

I think maybe you have. I feel like I am seizing on every single idea. Yeah, you've got an idiom for everything, and you've got your real... Maybe I should put myself in timeout for a minute. No, you're fine. Just let me finish my story. Sure. And then I'll finish mine.

Great. And then I'll get back to mine. And then we'll get to the guest. And then I'll get to that I thing you mentioned. Oh, yeah, the I thing. Boy, oh boy, we have a lot of threads to tie. We really do. I don't even remember what I was talking about.

Oh, ladies and their reputation. You know, it's a collective thing. You know you've been out. I have a lot of friends who are waiters that say, if they get a table of women, they're like, we're going to be bad. Yes. And they always start.

They think that just even eating anything is, we're going to be bad. We're going to be morally reprehensible. we're going to order fries for the table. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And it's just like, can we just eat? Just eat, ladies. Yeah, exactly.

You don't have to excuse anything. You don't have to explain anything. That's right. Everybody likes fries. Why does it require any kind of preamble? I noticed you with your friends, you always put your hand by your mouth like it's a dangerous secret. Oh, the hand shield, yeah.

I'm going to have some fries. Okay, so see, I finished mine quickly. Let's do yours now. Let's finish your smoke. How did you, how would you skip to how you arrived at the perfect temperature? What is the rule? So I just thought of another tangent. Don't. I need you to rescue me.

Take a deep breath. So I was lost in the field. Oh. Well, you got lost. Well, I'm trying to jump ahead. That's, well, now I feel like we don't need to go back. I was trying to remember what Bear Grylls was trying to say. Right.

Then I remember that. What was he trying to say? What time? Which time? Do you have a recurring dream about Bear Grylls where he's trying to give you a message, opens his mouth, nothing comes out? Well, yeah, that he has written down instructions and you can't read in your dreams. Oh, I hate that.

Then I remembered that he faked it that one time. He got caught. That's right. And the road was right behind him. Oh, I didn't know that. I turned around. Lo and behold, the road was right behind me. Oh, well, that's great.

Just like Bear Grylls. Just like Bear Grylls. There was a taco stand right there. So I wasn't really out in nature in a field. It doesn't seem like a field. Were you just on the median? Dignity Park. Oh, he was just in the park.

Doug, come on. It's a complicated park. There are complicated parts to Dignity Park. Oh, it was just at the park. Doug, Doug, come on. It's a complicated park. Oh, no. There are complicated parts to Dignity Park. It's true. Okay, fair enough. When it comes to city planning, Dignity Falls is pretty wild. It has an accidental hedge me. Yes, it does. There's that part, almost like the mystery

spot, you know, where you can't tell how big or where gravity is pointing. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that one. Yeah, the anti-gravity spot. It, exactly. Yeah, that one. How big is gravity? Yeah, the anti-gravity spot. It's kind of like the mystery spot. You go in there on foot,

you can't tell which way gravity is pointing. Yes. Anyway, it dawned on me, I saw in this beautiful taco cart, the al pastor, you know, the pork like rotating. Oh, right. Yes, yes. Marshmallows. Oh, like marshmallows

on a spit, like a kabob. So I have formed a gigantic marshmallow. Oh, and he just shaves off. That's actually kind of great. And it's toasting absolutely perfectly. It's marshmallow shawarma. And you want some more? It's marshmallow shawarma. And you want some more?

It's my shawarma. Is it a long cylindrical marshmallow? Yes. Picture a marshmallow. We got it. Done. And it's already in the shape you need to picture it. It really is already in the shape you need. Just a little longer. All right.

I think that's really great. You shaved some off because sometimes when you put the big spherical marshmallow. Yeah. The big spherical marshmallow. I think a marshmallow is like more of a cylinder. Sure. Yeah. I mean, go on.

Okay. Please, Doug. You're showing a great restraint right now because you could have just gone off on that that's why I was trying to just sort of keep us because I know you really want to finish this thank you for acknowledging that you're welcome I think I'm starting to get it

but you when you squeeze down that you know cylindrical spherical marshmallow explodes or like, you know. You're talking about. Okay, let me help. It's messy. You're talking about when you're talking about you squeeze it with the with the graham crackers.

Is that what you're saying? Yes. Not just in my hands. I've tried that before. That's a mess. Yeah. Sure. But you try to s'mores where your hands were the graham

crackers that sounds dangerous um so yeah shavings of marshmallow toasted works a lot better like ergonomically everything it's probably much easier to eat because that is i feel like the the reason i don't like s'mores is the marshmallow aspect of it. Because it is a mess. It is. It's just a mess. And it is hard to get the perfect. But I think that that's really great.

Because that way you can sort of control the temperature. And it's always the right one. Well, good job. Good done, babe. Well, good, Doug. Good done, Doug. Good dog to us all. Thank you.

And Doug, let me ask. This is a s'mores room that is inside the house. Yeah. Okay. Traditionally an outside food. That's true. That's true. He's put glow in the dark stars on the ceiling.

It kind of helps. That's nice. Yeah. And he's like, he's put some sound effects, some like, you know, a nocturnal animal sound effect. Rather than just go outside. Yeah. You could just go in the backyard.

Yeah. I guess you could. He says it has something to do with how the spit, how the spinning, you know, the sort of the kebab where it has to be inside. I don't know the backyard. Yeah. I guess you could. He says it has something to do with how the, the spit, how the spinning, you know, the sort of the kebab where it has to be inside. I don't know.

Sure. Something has to be inside. It has to be. I got to plug it in. That's it. But I have no way to access electricity outside the house. I wish there were, you bring some pine needles inside.

It smells like outside. How many, how many pine needles? She wasn't ready for that question. Well, I didn't count how many pine needles. I was just saying, is it a handful? Is it a bushel, I would say. A bushel of pine needles. We do have that other room,

I believe, that is just like, you know, all the peanut shells, you know, you just get to sort of like stomp on them and throw them on the ground. He loves those restaurants. The crunch room? Oh, you call them restaurants. I think of those places as bars. I think that's very elevating to call one of those places a restaurant.

James Beard gave us an award for most creative peanut shell floor. For just being lazy. Well, that's really great. I really think that's a terrific room, babe. And did you want to talk about your eyes

and what you do when you're talking? Oh, I have two lazy eyes. So I don't think you can apply the lying and remembering. Oh, okay. Well, I wasn't ever saying that you were lying. I'm not sure that you can tell a lie. I think that Doug would probably pass a test really well. George Washington test. Yeah.

Yeah. If I tell a lie, I'll, I'll pass out. You'll know. You'll pass out. Wow. Whoa. Is there a history of this? There have been a couple of times,

but he has passed out every time I was in labor. And, but I don't think that he was like i mean i don't know i'm trying to think of uh i mean people would ask him if he was okay he would start looking pale and he would say yes and then he would pass out so maybe i guess it was a lie so the lie made you pass out not the labor yeah yes okay labor i was fine with sure he just didn't like being asked about how he was feeling. Wait, okay, so you weren't okay, but you were fine with the labor, but when people asked if you were okay,

you would lie and say yes, and that's what caused you to pass out. Yes. That's complicated. Wow, this has been quite a deep dive on Doug. Right? Yeah. Well, like he said, he's getting it, so we're just starting to get him, maybe. Maybe so. Maybe so. Should we get someone else in here?

Do you mean like, should we take a break? Yes. I think that's a good idea. We are going to take a break. When we come back, we will have a guest when the Neighborhood Listen returns. Tanya, in search of Taz things. My husband loves Taz, and our 12th year wedding anniversary is coming up,

and I would love to give him some, and Taz is hard to find. Wait, what? You can use punctuation. Oh, alright. I thought it was like a telegram you had to keep going. So yeah, but look, my husband loves Taz. And our 12th year wedding anniversary is coming up. I'd love to give him an... Why is Taz so hard to find? I thought he was famous.

You know? But Taz, it's nearly impossible to find Taz products. I don't even understand how my husband could love him so much. He's so rare. Tweety Bird? All over the place.

He's on the quarter now, I think. Isn't Tweety Bird on the quarter? I think Tweety Bird's on the quarter Anyway, Taz should be on the $5 bill I think we thanked Abraham Lincoln enough Oh no, does that sound terrible? Alright, well, I'm Tanya If you find any Taz things anywhere,

if you're an archaeologist, hit me up. Taz! Welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. And guess what? As always, we have a guest in the studio. We call it a studio. It's the Kitchen Island in Jones' kitchen island i don't know if we've

ever called a studio i think i have by accident a few times and then immediately explained it as i did just now um but joining us at the kitchen island is one of our neighbors and what we do is we scour the neighbor hap uh the social networking application um for interesting people that live in the neighborhood and we we get to talk to them and if you'd like to do this, if you see any posts that you think might be interesting for us to talk about that we've missed, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at burntandjone at gmail.com. And we have one, I think this one came from a listener as well. I don't know if you have that info there, but if not, we'll put it on our Instagram. Yes, we will.

I'm just going to read this now. Yes, please. This is in the for sale and free category. And this just says neighbor, but I have been told that, well, I'll tell you his name in a minute, but let's just listen to the post. Let's listen to it. It says a thousand plastic meatballs.

You heard that right. A thousand plastic meatballs you heard that right a thousand plastic meatballs two hundred dollars there's a picture of i'd say roughly 20 of them uh and once again it says in very large uh figure it says 1000 plastic meatballs they don't go bad or stink or nothing. They don't even look real. They look like little pieces of, and I mean, I believe he means to say shit, but he hasn't, he's sort of written

like an exclamation point and used those, you know. I need to unload them. They look real. Now, I know, I know,

but we're going to let, I know, let's let him explain. All right. Yes. And two lines up. He just said they don't even look real. They look real. They don't look like little pieces of shit.

Okay, so. I know, I know. Burt, I know. And then it says, don't blow it. His eyes are looking to the left. This is a real post. Wow. A real post from the neighbor app.

Wow. Don't blow it. And to explain himself, please welcome Pauly Coca-Cola. Is that right? That's right. How you doing? Thank you so much for having me. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Pauly, I think obviously we all know what our first question is, is that you seem to contradict yourself immediately. That's right. Yes. Of you. You are aware that this is. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. All right. Did you do it on purpose? I was trying to get rid of these tires types of plastic meatballs so i thought let's cast the widest possible net 50 of the population will appreciate something that does not look like meatball but looks like a piece of shit the 50 would be like no i want something looks like meatballs so let me make sure that whoever glances at it first they get that one and then i see so if you're thinking someone wants fake like dog shit as a toy as a fun trick you know that's what they can buy or if they want fake meatballs that's what they can buy i need to unload these so if anyone's out there yeah you said that they're really taking

up space in your life please don't blow it just contact me now what does that mean don't blow it why yeah why go on you okay so There's so many things. There's like a thousand things. My approach is radical honesty and then you contradict the honesty in case someone doesn't appreciate that kind of honesty. Do you know what it feels like? You're trying to go for a

blue dress, gold dress effect with however this hits the eye. But then if people are going to read both descriptions that are the opposite of each other. Like if you see, you know, if you see fake meatballs,

then you had childhood trauma. But if you don't. Was that part of the dress thing? No, it's the latest thing now. Haven't you seen it? Oh, there's all sorts of pictures. Yes, there's all sorts of things where it's like an image

and it either looks like an elephant or it looks like a tree or I don't know it's like the rorschach test but instead of it but they tell you it's always condemned they just want you to click on it and i absolutely won't but but one of them means you had childhood trauma can we just bring back when you know you would be told to stare at an image for a while and then a scary witch would pop up so okay when you say when you say paulie uh don't blow it don't blow it yeah you it seems which would pop up. Remember those simpler times. So, okay, when you say, when you say,

Pauly, don't blow it. Don't blow it. Yeah. You, it seems like you think this is, this is an incredible

opportunity for someone. It's 1,000 plastic meatballs that may or may not look like pieces of shit. Right. But one, it's not like a, it's not like a tiny amount

of these. No, no, no. This is a huge amount of simulation food that I accidentally found my way into buying. Oh, now here's where we're getting to. Now, what does that mean? Can you expound on that accidentally? What happened?

See, I used to be a smoker. Six packs a day all the time. Six packs? My word. Let's explain some of my vocal cords. Okay. Some of them. At least one of them. Yes, exactly. One of my vocal cords Some of your vocal cords

At least one of them Yes, exactly One of my vocal cords can be explained by that The other one's different Because it's got to be opposite Just like how you like to be in your life Exactly right You're wrong

Exactly Oh, wait So one of the main things I can see how confusing this is When I was smoking I realized that the way to quit People told me, is you cannot give up an addiction. You need to adapt a different

one. And they said a lot of smokers start eating a lot or something like that. I thought, that's not going to be me. I'm just going to buy some simulation food. So then I have the effect on my psyche as though I'm eating a lot. Okay, so you didn't want to eat a lot, but you thought if I buy fake food,

or simulation food, which is its own fake food- Yeah. Or simulation food. Simulation food. Which is its own. I've never heard of simulation food specifically. It might be a term of art. I don't know. It could be. It's the preferred terminology.

Oh, it is. Oh, okay. Okay. So you thought I will feed the addiction part of my brain by buying the food. Unfortunately, all the food I bought ended up looking more like pieces of shit than food. Oh, what other kinds of simulation food did you buy, for example? I got 600 chocolate chip cookies that look like a bunch of rat turds in dirt. Oh, no.

I bought about 700 apples. You're fake out of simulation apples. That's right. Look like bull scrotum. Can I ask? Oh, boy. I'm unloading. If you want them, don't blow it.

Call me up and I will give you these right now. See, I wonder if don't blow it is almost sort of like a catchphrase of Polly's. Is it just kind of something that you say? Don't blow it. Polly's gonna call it. Don't blow it. Don't blow it. Can I ask, is there no way to buy just one or two of these things?

Or is the addiction you must have multiple numbers? Or are these things only, is simulation food only sold in bulk? It's in massive quantities why why i wonder what would it what's it normally used for if it's not used as an addiction to distract you from nicotine addiction a lot of people use them for display counters in various restaurants some people use them as props in in hollywood Sure. Some people use them for stage effects. Oh, sure. Now you're talking my language.

Joan, of course, is a terrific thespian. Oh, that's right. I like to trod the boards. You like to trod them. I do. Okay, so I understand. The pranks, they're used in the prank industry very heavily. The prank industry, of course.

I'd say the prank industry is heavily. The prank industry. Of course. Oh, yeah. I'd say the prank industry is probably a lot like you where they're able to sort of see both sides of the coin, right? Because they want someone to think that it's fake dog shit or maybe they want them to think that it's a cookie

and then it turns out that it's shit. And how big are these? Are they standard meatball size? Are they more Swedish meatball size? It's hard to tell because there's no scale. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true.

They're much larger than the picture would have you believe. Oh, okay. Each one of them. I see you put them on some, is it lettuce that you put? Like just a little garnish? Yeah, yeah. I thought I'd spruce up the picture. You know what?

Honestly, the lettuce looks fake too. It does, is it? The lettuce is indeed fake. Yeah, it's a very unnatural green. But I would say the lettuce doesn't look like shit. No. Can you explain? So then was that, do you also buy a lot of lettuce or was this just a set?

Was this an anomaly that you actually? The lettuce, I'll tell you this. If you want it, it's available. It does not look like toilet paper that's been bleached green. Okay. It looks exactly like some bleached toilet paper that's turned green. Oh, no. See, he did it again.

Because that's what it is. He did it again. But if you want it it don't blow it you know what i have to ask this is where i this is the next question i want to ask what do you what do you do for a living great question thank you i unload merchandise in large quantities on the internet oh wait oh so this is your job well it's sort of become my job accidentally Yeah, I was going to say Before that I did a number of other things I was a therapist Give us five

Give us such as I was a licensed therapist Oh, wow, wow Yeah, yeah Did a lot of that Did a lot of that Okay Dishonorably discharged from the profession

Oh, I didn't know that was a thing I didn't either. Yes, yes. Oh, yeah. The sergeant of therapy will come down to your office if you do too much and they'll take the license off the wall. What?

I mean, is there kind of a ceremony? Do you have to stand at attention in front of other therapists? Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing. What did you do? I stood in line. No, no, no. Why were you dishonorably discharged?

Oh, oh, oh, that part. I mean, I also would like to know about the line. I stood in line no no no why were you dishonorably discharged oh oh that part I mean I also would like to know about the line absolutely I do want to know about the ceremony apparently a lot of my advice

was what they call deeply damaging and contradictory to the oh right because of course you probably said something like you have to leave

your husband don't leave your husband was it like that it was like that but I do what I do in one session I'd give one piece But what I'd do in one session, I'd give one piece of that sort of advice. In the next session, I'd give the opposite advice.

That's terribly confusing. It led to a lot of what they call adult-onset schizophrenia. It's a very rare condition that I created. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm not sure that that's the word we want to use. Is it possible that there's a... Don't blow it.

Is it possible that there's a don't blow it is it possible is it possible that what you have is a condition where you you are sort of constantly contradicting yourself i mean have you yourself ever sought therapy for this or even seen it as something that might be some sort of condition did the the people that just charged you for therapy mention anything about it? Oh, boy. You know, there's a lot of whispers and stuff happening, so I didn't really hear it. But I've never thought of it that way, to be honest. I've always thought of it as an incredible life skill.

You know, I'm a persuader. Oh, it's been great in my personal life. So you do have success with this? To a limited degree, but sure. Can you give an example of how it helped you? I'm a single man. I'm not one of those losers who sit

at home all day and swipe on the app. No, I get out there and I talk to the ladies. And I got some incredible game. Because I'll go up and say, hey, I may not look like much, but my personality is a piece of shit. My personality is not a piece of shit. It's really good.

And you can see. And that works. One out of a thousand times. Out of a thousand. Well, approximately. One out of a thousand. One out of a thousand times someone is just kind of, let's just say desperate enough. And oh boy.

I got to say, this does not sound like you have incredible game. Excuse me. Well, I'm sorry. Excuse me. One out of a thousand times. That's one meatball. That's one fake little meatball. That's one little piece of shit.

Well, it doesn't look like a piece of shit. It looks like a meatball. Don't stink little piece of shit. Well, it doesn't look like a piece of shit. It looks like a meatball. Don't stink or nothing. Don't stink or nothing. That's what he says. It says it right there. And it also does look like a piece of shit. Sure.

Yeah. Can I ask, is this the first time that you've put something like this on? Because I mean, I haven't necessarily recognized your account, but have you put other things up for sale on here? I've tried to, yes, but they haven't been, the posts haven't gone through, unfortunately. Gone through? Finally, this one.

Oh, is that because you had so, you just had shit so much in the video, you had to sort of now put in the exclamation point and sort of disguise it? Now I realize that's how you do it. You put an exclamation point. And all my previous posts had far more swear words, so slowly it took a lot of trial and error

to realize which letters you need to censor. What were some of the other things that you tried to sell? Oh boy, I tried to sell this old crafts table that was built by my nephew. Most of the post was me calling him a lazy, good for nothing piece of shit, son of a bitch, rat turd, fuck.

So a lot of it got censored out so wait that one in that case is just about what sounds like maybe a lovely sort of bespoke crafts table but it's not about oh it is okay but you didn't contradict that one so then this was more about insulting your what's wrong with your nephew where'd that come from oh god rat turd piece of okay well you said that but but why why do you why do you think that of him you know that his whole essence is the essence of like uh how do i describe it uh he's got the essence of like a babe what was that sound is everything okay everything okay the s'mores room i'm drilling thanks for asking can you hear that can you smell it well i can hear what sounds like you're dragging something.

I'm drilling the chocolate into a graham cracker. You're doing it. Drilling the chocolate into a graham cracker. Yeah, I'm just experimenting a little bit. I don't know if you need to bring power tools into this. I don't think you need to deconstruct s'mores. I mean, you already came up with a great- Well, I'm constructing, really.

Okay, fair enough. He just pulled a poly on me. Don't blow it. Don't blow it. Don't blow it. I'm constructing, really. Okay, fair enough. He just pulled a Polly on me. Don't blow it. I'm constructing. I'm deconstructing. You know what I call s'mores? Lil' Les. Lil' Les.

I guess that makes sense for you. Lil', which is also little. And then Les. So you're really drilling chocolate into the graham cracker? I can hear that. Oh, yeah. Wait, are you, so you're really drilling chocolate into the graham cracker? I can hear that. Oh yeah. Well, because after we were talking, I realized, oh man,

I think the trick is eliminating all mess and just making it as efficient contraption as possible. Right. I mean, I don't know how the drilling comes into that. Well, the chocolate could slide off. It could melt off. It could melt off. I would love to try one of these things.

What are you securing it with then? Are you using like an actual, like a screwdriver? You're screwing it in? Yeah, how thick are these graham crackers? I know. These graham crackers. These are specialty graham crackers that are like four inches thick a piece. Goodness.

Sounds difficult to eat, Doug. I'm not going to lie. You don't need a Texas toast version of graham crackers. Then you're adding other elements on top of it and another graham cracker. Well, what's the point of a s'more room if we're not reinventing the s'more? Well, Doug. I mean, I guess you got me there. You got me there.

Guys, I do appreciate your place. It's just this kind of Willy Wonka wonderland of rooms. It is. It really is. Thank you. I'm glad you had time to walk around. Yes. The kitchen is very normal, as you'll see.

The kitchen. Once you're out of the kitchen. Yeah. Here be dragons. Can I ask, do you live alone? Do you have a partner? Do you have a family? I do.

What's your story? I live alone. My home a partner do you have a family what's your story I live alone my home too how Joan I what maybe this is rude to say oh you really thought he had a partner perhaps I should have said roommate sure well I don't know maybe the one in the

thousand is who he's with right now no offense Pauline of course no offense taken I understand it Well, I don't know. Maybe the one in the thousand is who he's with right now. No offense, Pauline, of course. You never know. Yeah, Jesus, that hurts. No offense taken. No offense taken. I understand that. No, I'm a very dedicated bachelor to my own time and space.

My home is all about my own interests. Okay. What do your interests entail? The films of Roman Polanski are front and center. And then the, just, you know, I'm a bit of a craftsman myself. I enjoy...

Yeah, just moving on from that. I enjoy a lot of... I enjoy baking occasionally, once in a while. You enjoy baking occasionally? Yes. Oh, yes. I'm a bodyboarder. You can go in the ocean boogie boarding once in a while. You enjoy baking a cake, Julie. Oh, yes. I'm a bodyboarder. Boogie boarder. You can go in the ocean with a boogie boarder

once in a while. Drive out there. And I enjoy a nice hike as well. And other than that, yeah. Treat myself to a marathon screening of Knife on the Water. Nap.

And then nap. Take a nap. So it's a pretty standard life. Marathon screening of Knife on the Water. Then a nap. And then nap. Take a nap. So it's a pretty standard life. Very bad screening of life in the water. Then a nap. That really is a pretty full schedule, I have to say. I don't know that there is room for a partner. Now, you say you're a bit of a craftsman as well.

Yeah. What do you make? What do you craft? Oh, lampshades. Oh. Yeah. I've got in my head a little bit of woodworking. Oh.

Making those little cigar humidor boxes. Sure. Oh, yes, yes got in my head a little bit of woodworking. Started making those little cigar humidor boxes. Sure. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Is this something that you and your nephew shared was a love of woodworking? Yeah. Yeah, we did. We did. Oh, you hit on it burnt, I think.

Did you used to be close and then there was a falling out of some kind? That's fairly accurate to say, yes. Can we ask what happened? of some kind. That's fairly accurate to say, yes. Can we ask what happened? There's a little bit of respect lacking when someone commits intellectual property theft

on your craftsmanship. Wow. And just starts to do their own thing and then meets somebody and suddenly they're spending all their time with this new girlfriend and they suddenly start to notice, wait a minute, all these ideas and designs we were supposed to do together start showing up in his house.

Oh. So it sounds like you're upset about two things. One, that you think he started sort of stealing your style, woodworking-wise, but also you seem fairly resentful of the fact that he was in a relationship. Yeah. You sound a little jealous, if I may. Yeah, jealous, yeah.

Well, I saw it first at the bar oh wow problem what's what's the man asked no he's okay oh he said restaurant no he's talking we were talking about can you call a place with a peanut shells all along the floor can you call that a restaurant i think doug was doing a little call back to that is that right babe yeah i'm on a delay yeah that was quite a delay last half we were we were so far away from that idea uh you saw her first is there anything more than that or do you mean you literally just saw her first but or did and just not say anything because if you just saw her first i'm not say anything? Because if you just saw her first, I'm not sure that really, does that really count for anything?

I mean, you have to say to your friend, hey, I'm going after that girl, right? I don't know what it is. I don't know how bro code works. Yeah, I guess you do. If you're interested in the person, it would be good to express, I'm interested in that person.

Right. And then you'd figure it out amongst yourselves. Okay. Is that what happens? That's not how I did that. Okay. I do want to know the story. May I ask first, just for some context, what's the age difference between you and your nephew?

27 years. 27 years. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, I guess we have to ask, could you tell us how old you are? Sure. I mean, he could, but he might give us two answers. Well, I'd actually love if either of you could guess, because a lot of people can't really

put their finger on my ass. Oh, boy. Here we go. I really hate guessing. Come it. Oh, boy. Here we go. I really hate guessing. Come on. Come on. Don't blow it. Would you like me to go first?

Yes. I'm going to say you are 45. I was going to give him 33. So, Doug, based on what he sounds like. Price is right. Rules one. So Doug, based on what he sounds like. Price is right.

Rules one. What's your actual retail age? Wow. Yeah. So whoever gets the highest 45, I think you win because I just turned 60. Wow. You look terrific. Thank you. You look terrific. Thank you.

You look terrific. For being such a smoker for six packs a day. Turns out that's a real source of longevity in youth. I've never heard that before. Once you get past a certain amount of cigarettes, it starts to have the opposite effect. Oh, wow. I suppose it would with you. Horseshoe theory.

Horseshoe theory. Horseshoe theory. Oh with you. Horseshoe theory. Horseshoe theory. Horseshoe theory. Oh, right. Horseshoe theory. So, you know, one or two packs a day, that's just going to kill you. That's a killer. Keep going. Keep going.

Got to push through. Push through. When going through hell, keep going. Keep going. That's right. Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill. He's my sixth favorite world leader for sure.

Okay. We got to hear the top five. Well, all right. Here we go. Here we go. Counting down from five to one? Five to one. Okay.

Queen Rana Valona of Madagascar. Okay. Incredible. The Mad Queen beheaded everybody, took her enemies, and hung their skulls up outside of her palace. She beats Churchill. Oh, yes. Much better. I mean, Churchill had

almost no personality. Compared to her? Come on. He said, well, fight on the beaches and whatever of France. Queen Rana Valona said, bring me his blood and I'll drink it with my daughter's skull.

She was crazy. So her, number five. Sounds like he thinks that's his type. Coming in, number four. Yep, four. That's right, number four. Joseph Stalin, gotta give it up. Oh, God, I did not expect that.

Not for what the man was like, not for his actual, just you got to give it up, you know. For? Fashion. Fashion. Okay. And number three. Oh, we're just moving on. Well, Stalin is more well-known than Madagascar Queen.

That's true. Let's see. Number three. NASCAR queen. That's true. Let's see. Number three. I feel like this is one that I always get, you know, I'm always nervous.

Number three is always hard. Yeah. Absolutely. Numbers are always hard in lists in general. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Who do you put in there?

But I'm going to say Princess Diana. I think she was a. Okay. You know. Yeah. World leader. World leader. Absolutely. Just for what she did for the pop culture, if at all.

Sure. Number two, I would say, I forget his name, but he's the, I forget his name. But he's number two. Yeah, he's number two. Forget his name. You know, he came over in a boat. Christopher Columbus? Oh, yeah. Really? That's came over in a boat. Christopher Columbus? Oh, yeah.

Really? That's who I'm thinking of. The boat man. Boat man. He could use a boost these days. He sure could. Maybe you're rebranding as boat man. Absolutely.

It's boat man day. I would like that. And coming in at number one. Oh, yeah. Of Pauly Coca-Cola's favorite world leaders. Roman Polanski.

Again, terrible human being. Oh, okay. All right. There's an admission there. Okay. So, all right. That helps a little bit, honestly. Just a little bit. But putting him at number one still. Wow. Number one in a blue star. I told you. World leaders. You got to appeal to everyone. You got to contradict a little bit. honestly. Just a little bit. But putting him at number one still. Wow. Number one in a blue stuff. I told you. World leaders. You gotta appeal to everyone.

You gotta contradict a little bit. You gotta admit that he's a terrible piece of shit, and then you gotta put them right at number one. Okay. That's his Roman Empire's Roman Polanski, I suppose. You think about him like five times a day? I think about the Roman Polanski Empire. Sure sounds like it. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. Okay. I think that's a first for our show. Oh, really? Well, yes. This should be a recurring segment. First of all, we've never, ever mentioned Rowan Polanski. And we should probably. This is the first mention.

And this should probably be the last mention. Never say never. Don't blow it. We've also never done top six. Was it six or five? Yeah, we did top six. It ended up being top six. Top six. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah did top six. It ended up being top six. Top six.

Yeah. I think this should be a regular segment on your podcast. It should be a regular segment? Yes. Have all your guests do top five world leaders. You count it down David Letterman style. Have a little music in the background. Sure. You know, coming in from the s'mores room. Pump a little. You know, we have one episode left in the season. We may

ask our guest. Yeah, we could do that. To name their top six world leaders. Or just a top five anything, you know. I guess lists are fun. Top fives are fun. Top fives are fun, but I do, I'm curious to see what, how people are going to rank the world leaders. That's true. And I like the sixth.

Yes, right? Nobody's doing top six. No one's doing it. That's how we make our marks. That's how we win. This is how we win. This is how we win This is how we win I love that movie

Isn't that a famous quote from a famous movie? It is a famous quote from a famous movie This is how we win It's a famous meme from a movie When you see the movie you can barely hear him say it It just mumbles it a little bit Yes but it became a meme heard around the world I'm going to be honest and say I don't know this one.

Click. It's the Adam Sandler film Click. Is that right? I hate to, I don't like to correct a guest. It's from the movie Uncut Gems. I'm sorry. Uncut Gems. Uncut Gems, yes.

I have not seen that. Don't bother. Okay. You really don't need to see it. Now I will say one of Doug's favorite movies is Click. Boy oh boy did he just walk around with his remote trying to do it to me a whole bunch.

Trying to pause you. Trying to get you to fast forward. Yeah. What a masterpiece. I can see how it would appeal to an engineer especially. Oh sure. That's a very good point. I love a universal remote. Sure does.

My favorite part of that movie is in the middle of all these existential questions about life and what it means to skip past important time with loved ones, where Adam Sandler pauses things, gets up in front of his boss, and pulls his pants down and farts directly in his face for 30 seconds. And then he unpauses the universe and the boss is like, hmm, something smells. Oh my God, that is a beautiful scene. Cinema.

Is it any wonder that Doug loves it? It hits one, it's in his top six. It's beautiful. He pulls his pants down to do this? Oh, he pulls his pants and underwear down directly in front of his boss, but his boss is paused. It is a scene, it could have been out of Chinatown. You know, it's one of those masterpieces.

Speaking of Roman Polanski. Speaking of my kitty cat. Too nosy. Okay. All right. Getting back to the topic of hand of these meatballs. What will you do if nobody wants them? Great question.

It's a lot of little plastic meatballs to have. It's honestly one of the things that's really weighing on me because my home is filled right now with simulation food. That's what I'm assuming you're saying. You really need to unload it. Wait, I'm sorry. Oh, fill the simulation food. It's just, it's like a clever term. Like we're talking hoarder style?

Yeah. Oh, no. I can't help it. I was trying to quit smoking and I thought this will do it. And it obviously, did it work? I mean, do you, you said you smoke, do you say, did you say it worked? I can't remember if you said it worked. Oh, yeah. Good question. I assumed it worked. Oh, I just, I don't, do you, you said you smoke, do you say, did you say it worked? I can't remember if you said it worked. Oh yeah, good question.

I assumed it worked. I just, I don't, we were, we got so off topic, but did you stop smoking? For a while. Oh, okay. For how long? Oh, you really stumped him. Oh, he's smoking right now. I have to say, I don't really like smoking in the

house uh paulie if you wouldn't mind putting that out let me put this uh okay okay i'm gonna be leaving now i mean are you gonna be okay or are you or how many cigarettes have you had today i've had a few bags oh dear it's nine o'clock in the morning. Have you considered the gum rather than buying a bunch of fake food? Wait, there's another way to do it? Yeah, Nicorette or nicotine gum. And there's a patch.

There's so many things. There's a lot of ways other than, I've never seen a commercial for simulation. What's that? What's that? What's the matter? Somebody smoking down there? Yes. Oh no. The smoke alarm. Let me smoke a few more and then it'll go past the point.

Doug has several Doc Brown clocks and then whatever that is. Okay, Doug. What's happening right now? I created my own smoke alarms a few years back and I completely forgot until right now what they sounded like. How was that actually more annoying than a regular smoke alarm? Like if

that was going off in my home, I would just let the fire take me. Just die to the sound of disco chickens. Just take a big deep breath of that smoke. It makes you want to just do anything to get that smoke out. Wait.

Okay. So, yes, you've never heard of a patch or the gum? Now that all the research I did was one Google search and then it was like, yeah, replace it with something else. And the first result was simulation food? Yeah. What were the search terms you used? Yeah. What did you put in?

I might have had a few different tabs open at the same time. Oh, wait. I mistakenly thought the one I was looking up was the one about the smoking. Now that you're saying all this, I'm piecing together the actual moment in my mind. Right. And I think that might have been what had happened after all. Right. Boy.

Boy, I've spent a lot of money on simulation food. It's a really unfortunate mistake. Well, look, if anyone's listening to this and you would like to buy several thousand versions of meatballs, apples, chocolate chip cookies, raisins, bananas. You have raisins? Yeah. You have a bunch of fake raisins that just look like rabbit poop, I imagine? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It was almost, I don't even know why I bought it, you know, in the first place.

Oh, there's several fully poured simulation Irish coffees. Fully poured? Yeah. Well, it's plastic, but it looks like they're poured. And those are taking up a lot of room. Sure. Handles and mugs. So please, somebody.

I mean, someone's got to have some use for this, right? I mean, I guess, why does someone eat 1,000 fake raisins? Are they all in the thousands? Almost all of them. Oh, okay. Some are in the high hundreds Almost all of them. Okay. Some are in the high hundreds. Well, yeah, except for there were 700 apples. 700 apples.

We know that. Yeah, 600 cookies. But mostly, mostly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they don't stink or nothing. No, they don't stink. They look established. They don't stink.

They're established. They do and don't look like little pieces of shit. All right, well. They call it Schrodinger's sales pitch. And I think it works. You think it works and yet your house is crammed floor to ceiling with simulation food. Please, don't blow it, okay? Just call me.

Please. Joan, perhaps your friends at the theater could use some of this. I mean, it's the only thing I can think of. Are you in production on a play right now? Well, I mean, we were going to do, I have always wanted to do Oliver. It's the only thing I can think of. Are you in production on a play right now? I mean, we were going to do, I have always wanted to do Oliver. Food, glorious food. Food, glorious food.

And there's a song in the beginning. Who will buy these wonderful apples or whatever. That's perfect. Knives, knives to grind. That was my part in the play. That's what you did. In high school. You almost did an extra note. Knives, knives to grind. Oh, no, that's the same. Never's what you did. In high school. You almost did an extra note. Knives, knives to grind.

Oh, no, that's the same. Never mind. I got excited for a minute. See, Bern can really only sing the same note. That's amazing. That's all I got. I've never heard a baritone done just from the top of the chest like that. That's so impressive.

Oh, that's right, because one is, Ripe strawberries, ripe. Wow. Right, that's another line. So all these people come out selling their wares. We would just have to change it. Who will buy these thousands of raisins? There you go.

Absolutely. They don't look like pieces of shit. I don't know. They do. They don't. Right. They do. I don't know if we can legally change.

I don't know if we can legally change the lyrics that much. And I think it would confuse the audience. Yeah, it's an issue of legality. Mostly. Joan, you love raisins. I mean, I do. Do you love raisins? I don't know, he's making a thing of it. Yeah, remember, she puts them in the pasta.

Oh, no, that's right. Put in some fake raisins. Could break the habit a little bit. Babe, why are you bringing up the raisin pasta? I just, you know, I'm already so embarrassed about it. I'm trying not to blow it. Look, none of us wants to blow it.

We don't want to blow it. No one wants to blow it, Pauly. We really don't. Don't blow it. Well, Pauly, you know, I hope that there's someone out there. If the theater says this is actually too much simulated food for us and there's some left over, I hope there's someone out there

who's interested in buying all of these. Yeah, because honestly, if there is someone out there who has use for this, I almost feel like that's your, that might be a match made in heaven for you. Yeah, a person. It's like one of those crazy things where it's like my might be a match made in heaven for you yeah a person like one of those crazy things where it's like uh like a twin flame or something i've always wanted a

twin flame for me i've always thought there's gotta be somebody out there's got there's somebody for everybody it makes sense because you know the duality of his life you know and so if you find someone else who sort of just like him i i feel like anyone who actually has the need for a thousand fake meatballs is probably going to be your soulmate there's no there's no other way around if this resonates with any person you marry that person you marry that person although i don't know how that works at a wedding ceremony with someone like paulie because when he's supposed to say i do i mean is he immediately going to turn around and say i do not do you think that if you find your soulmate,

you'd be able to break yourself of this habit of the Schrodinger's? Oh, yeah, because you definitely would have to. It's very possible. Schrodinger's syndrome or whatever you call it. Schrodinger's syndrome, let's call it that. It was very possible because that would actually complete some part of me that feels like I need to be the other side of the coin. Exactly, yes.

Oh, right. Oh, well, then you just have to get married and you're done. There you go. Okay, here's the here's what it is. You'll just get contradicted all the time. Listen, once you get you That's funny. Now that's a good one. That's a good one. Thanks. That's a good one. All you need to do is get married. Well, just by itself, I don't think it

doesn't work as much. It's not intrinsically funny by itself. I think it needs to set up. All right. Well well Pauly Coca-Cola Thank you so much for being here Listen I will change the whole thing If someone out there has Maybe if someone out there has a thousand pieces of fake sauce That means you'd match up

With a thousand meatballs A thousand pieces of fake sauce Is that what you said A thousand little spills of sauce How about if somebody has one gigantic fake pot? Ooh, that could work too, because that means they're complimenting me. That means they're thinking on the other side of the same thing. Exactly.

Exactly. Because the meatballs in the picture don't look cooked. Yeah. Yes, that's true. They look like they're ready to go in the oven. That's right. They need some, yeah. I mean, it's tricky because the only other sort of consumer of simulation food is children

of pre-K age. True, true. Fill their fake kitchens. That's true. And let me tell you something. The fake food in those kitchens, it looks terrible. It looks awful. Well, they've sort of changed it now.

Now they have sort of this kind of, oh, very sort of granola-y type food that is all like wooden, but it's connected with Velcro so you can practice cutting a carrot. Right, but it's more representational. It doesn't know it wouldn't fool anyone. No, that's true. It's just about motor skills. Anyway. It would be crazy if it did fool like I think they want to make sure that kids

don't actually pick up a plastic frame. Oh, good point. It's child free, so I have no idea. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I was feeling bad for these children. Really? No, I got three, I got four-year-olds and a six-year-old.

You have children? And a 27-year-old nephew. Wow. Oh, you children. Oh, I thought you were talking about your nephews and nieces. You have children. Wait, how did this happen? Late-breaking piece of information.

Anyway, thank you so much for having me on the show. That's really... All right, Pauly Coca-Cola. Thank you. I wish we had more time. Wish I knew. Wish I knew.

But we will be back when the Neighborhood Listen returns. Hey, everybody. It's Giselle. and I have free hangers. Free! That's my post. First come, first serve. As you can see, they are in a completely tangled pile. I'm just gonna leave them that way, you know. When you come over, you just gotta deal with it. I'm not gonna deal with it. Do you know how insanity-inducing it is to try to untangle what must be 500 hangers? I'm not doing it. You come over and do it.

Please. Please, because I tried. I mean, look at this mess. And you know, special props to anyone who could get that one pink one from the middle. Come over and try to get that one pink one. First come, first serve. Wow, Polly Coca-Cola. wow paulie coca-cola i mean that was uh we have had so many interesting guests this time around that's putting it mildly yep and uh just some wild uh wild people uh and that and that was, I've never met anyone quite like him. No, everything about it was strange.

Yes. And I'm kind of creeped out by if you go to this person's home, it's just, there's mountains of fake food. Yeah, it's terrifying. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. Like I'm imagining he has to carve out little like narrow hallways in the midst of all these piles of fake food. Yes, like he's in a simulation food mine. And there's just...

He's like a dig dug in there. He's a dig dug. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. Was that the song of Dig Dug? Yep. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. That's the noise he made when he tunneled through the earth. It kind of sounds like dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, kind of sounds like it's like sandstorm all over again

favorite game of course it is it's gotta be how lucky to have a video game with your name in it yeah i thought it was for me sure a long time sure you did hey i've never asked this question okay do you spell it the same way d-u-gG? Yes. Is that true? It is. Doug, I had no idea. The full name is Duggan. I had no... With two G's? Yeah. We've been spelling it wrong on some media. Why are you spelling it wrong?

I guess I just mean our team. Our team, yes. Our team. Allison. She does a bad job. Can we admit it? She does a bad job. Can we admit it? Allison does a bad job. First, there was the Instagram she hardly paid attention to.

Yeah, maybe we should probably think about that. I mean, I feel bad talking about this without talking to her first, but she doesn't even listen to the show. It's true. She doesn't even listen. It's like if you call her, she answers and goes, what? Yeah. And then we say, you know, could you put up a post from

the show? And she says, what's the name of the show again? Every time. Every time. She doesn't do it for anybody else. No. Rude. Okay. She sucks. Okay. All right. Well, I mean, there's no need for that. Well, I,

because starting with this season, I put up all the posts. I know you did. You've been doing a great job, Burns. Why are we, we're paying her so much money. That is strange.

We need to stop. She really conned us. I know. She's in her forties. You know, she's not some kid. Yeah, I know.

I mean, I can forgive that. You know, straight out of college, fine. You need an internship type situation. I mean, after five years, I'm trying to remember, why did we hire this middle-aged woman? Do you remember? She came up to me. She gives a real hard sell like a Harold Hill. Oh, boy.

All right. Well, we'll have to talk about that. Yes, we will. Anyway. Yes, you have one last post. Yes, we do have time for one last post here. And this is a post submitted by a listener. Thank you to Matt Moore for submitting this.

Matt Moore. Matt's s'more, babe. I'm surprised you came through with that. Oh, do you think he likes s'mores with the name more? I don't know if I do anymore. Oh, no. I don't know what happened. The drill?

The taste of the drill? You like them no s'more? I think I have to go to the dentist after this. Why? Well, just I've had so much of this kebab marshmallow. Okay. I was worried he was going gonna say because he drilled those chocolates into the thing and then he bit down on

the screws. The screws didn't help. No, I imagine they wouldn't. I thought you would use edible screws. But the main complaint for you is the shavings of marshmallow. Too much marshmallow. Right. I was just taking bites out of it directly.

It's funny we say marshmallow, but it's marshmallow. I know. It is very weird. I hate it too. I feel like some people used to pronounce it that way, right? Or was it ever like that? They must have at some point. But here's the thing.

What's tricky about it. When you hear, so you go on, you go, you go, you go. What's tricky about it is I like the way that the word looks. I wouldn't want it to have an E in it, but I will pronounce it with the E. Are we sure there's no product that actually spells it mellow? I can't be sure. Probably something with THC in it. Well, I didn't mean to take the air out of the room, but I guess it makes sense for a Malamar, right?

Isn't that like a package s'more? What is a Malamar? But you know, there's no W in the Malamar. No, that's true. Yes. But what is a Malamar? Don't remember. Is it just chocolate covered marshmallow?

I think that's correct. It just doesn't appeal to me. I think that's correct. Who wants to eat a raw marshmallow? Children. They do the test. They're not good. No, they're not good.

What's the test? The marshmallow test good. No, they're not good. What's the test? The marshmallow test. I don't know what that is. I will give you one marshmallow now. Oh, it started with marshmallows? Yes.

I see. People do it all the time but with different things now. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yes, we tried something like that

with the boys. Really? Yes. We were like, you can have one match now. Oh no. This was before we were trying to get them

to learn restraint, right? Right. As you can imagine, they just waited for the five matches. They did. I don't know. We've made some wrong turns we have anyway met more he submitted this this is in the crime and safety

section and it's submitted it's posted by Natalie Natalie says last night around 10 ish p.m. someone or some PPL slash kids oh so it's either someone or some people kids okay mostly kids i'm assuming don't know what you're really getting wrapped around the axle on describing these people we got down to this whole thought process

uh came to ring on our doorbell. We didn't open the door, but today in the morning there was a Kraft cheese on the driveway. I'm not okay with PPL trying to pull a joke on someone, especially that late at night. If you know your kid was out there doing that, please make sure they know of the consequences.

This was on Bald Cypress Road and Old Buchanan. Wait, a crop, like they mean like just a single slice of cheese? Joan, it sounds to me like someone rang their doorbell and left a single slice of cheese in the driveway.

And this woman, Natalie, is incensed. 10 p.m. They do this? I'm not even sure, and I'm speaking as a victim of many, many pranks. I'm not sure that that's a prank of any kind. It almost sounds like an accident. Absolutely.

Sounds like a door dash got the wrong address. Although it does remind me of things, and we've talked about this, that drives me so crazy, is these nonsensical TikTok viral trends where you do something mean to a baby or a kid. And one of them is to toss a single slice of Kraft cheese onto a baby's face or head. I've seen that. Or even a dog or a cat. Yes.

What are we doing? We're wasting food. Yes. And we're tormenting these. We're making fools. 100%. A Julyapie threw one on my forehead. Really?

I started running backwards uncontrollably. He acted like most of the dogs do. I have not seen it with dogs so I didn't realize that was the result. The dogs are trying to back out of the The dogs are back out and the cats act stunned. They just freeze? They freeze.

And the babies of course are witless. They have no idea. I think it's actually okay to do it to babies. Well, I'm not sure that it is. Well, certainly not the crack an egg on some baby kid's head. No, that one I don't get at all. Oh, my God. I don't know what we're doing. I mean, this is...

I guess what I want to say is I would never do that to my kids, but then my own kids, my own sons do things that are way worse and way crazier. Yeah, they're terrifying. They're terrifying. But I don't understand what Natalie's upset about. I mean, I understand like, you know, the ding dong dick situation, but they didn't even ring the doorbell, right? No, they just knocked on the, no, they- They came to ring on it.

They rang on the doorbell. It says they came to ring on it. Did they ring on it? They came to ring on our doorbell. We didn't open the door. That phrasing is very weird. Yes. They came to ring on our doorbell. They came to ring on our doorbell. That phrasing is very weird. Yes. They came to ring

on our doorbell. Does it mean they did? We didn't open the door. They came to ring on our doorbell. Okay. You know, but this has got me

thinking though. Okay. What if it's the grocery gang again? Oh, it really could be. Yeah. The carrots.

Doug says, of course. The carrots. The carrots. A says, of course. The carrots. The carrots. A few weeks ago. Remember the pizza on the windowsill? I do remember that. That was a fun one.

That was a fun one. That must have been the grocery boys as well. It could have been. Pizza's made of groceries. If you think about it, a pizza can be broken down into component parts of groceries. groceries. Listen, all I have to say to Natalie is that PPL could be doing a lot of different things

in the neighborhood. And if the worst thing is that they're coming to ring a doorbell and dropping some cheese. And you know what? Let me say this too. Kids are PPL too. They sure are. Yes. Slash kids. Slash kids. Alright, well, that's all the time

we have for this episode of The Year We're Listening. We want to thank everyone for listening. Again, if you'd like to submit a post, send it to burntandjona.com

D-U-G D-U-G burntandjona.gmail.com And if you want to hear ad-free versions of the show, go to cbbworld.com and sign up on the Maximus tier. Very impressive sounding.

And that's where you will also find bonus episodes that are behind a paywall. We release them. They're called the Bonus Room. And it's various things. We hear from other people in Dignity Falls as well as whatever we do. These are not rooms, actually.

They're metaphorical rooms. They're metaphorical rooms. They're metaphorical rooms. Yeah, I think people get that. I understand what he's saying. Better safe than sorry, sure. All right, babe, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry.

You don't want people thinking they can come here. No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We should end it. Okay, so thank you for listening.

We'll be back next week. And until then, goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins.

And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Dhruv Uday Singh. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.