The Neighborhood Listen - Empty Cans, Man Shooting Birds and A Disney Bear Hello with Zeke Nicholson

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

This week, Burnt and Joan discuss "the Groot movie", Lucky Bee Hive and Doug is ankle deep in the hot tub. Plus a certain neighbor (Zeke Nicholson) stops by to request some empty cans for a special experiment. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is. All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets.

And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest is played by Zeke Nicholson. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone.

You've got the NeighborHap app and us. Burn. And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. Hello and welcome to another episode of The Neighborhood Listen.

I am one of your hosts. My name is Bert Mia Payday. And hello, I'm Joan Pedestrian. And Bert, that was kind of a fun character-y hello that you just did. Was it really? It kind of was. I did not mean to be a character. Oh, I liked it. I just meant to be welcoming.

It sounded like a Disney bear. Uh-huh. Hello. I just could picture it in my head. That sounded like a recording of me. Well, you know, I used to do impressions. You're very good with impressions. Thank you very much. Very good with voices, dialects. Oh.

What was that one you used to do? You used to do, she's passed on now, but she used to play organ for the church and for the hockey rink. Fran Gessler? Fran Gessler. Yes. Could you hockey rink. Fran Gessler? Fran Gessler. Yes. Could you give us a little Fran Gessler? People in Dignity Falls will know this and love it,

but people outside, you have to trust me, this is what Fran Gessler sounded like. Which one do you want me to do? Do you want me to do her singing or do you want me to do her talking? Can you do her talking into her singing? Okay, it's a big ask.

Or start with singing into talking. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. It's fine. Everybody, please, please turn to your, please turn to your handbooks. We're going to do number 25. If you please do it,

we're going to do it in the QA. It's okay. Oh, Lord of mine. She always would scoop up. Why? Always would scoop up. Why always would scoop up? Oh, Lord of mine. Now, you know, I'm not religious.

I'm spiritual. But I used to like to go to church to hear Fran sing. And you know what's interesting? She didn't have to announce what hymns were. It's already in the program. But she would always do that. And I don't know. They gave her a microphone for some reason.

There was no need to have a microphone. I also don't think people needed to know what key was in. Absolutely not. But she always told them. I think there were't think people needed to know what key was in. Absolutely not, but she always told them that. I think there were very few people in the congregation who were like,

oh, A, got it. Yes, exactly. Or just don't even know or don't even care. Also, you don't have a choice. That's right. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely.

Whoever's leading the song and she's playing it on the organ, that's the key that it's going to be in. It doesn't help you to know. Yes, and to be honest, so many of them,

they all sound the same. They're like Christmas carols. It's basically three chords. Just a variation on three chords. It's very true. It's very true. And also kind of saying the same thing over and over again. Yeah.

I think that's what I like about them. I think that's what I like about hymns and religious songs. That they're comforting? They're comforting in their familiarity and their unchangingness. Their literal unchangingness. Now, when you say spiritual, are you meaning you're into astrology or you're into, is it Buddhism? Well. Or is it the universe?

Well. Okay. I feel that matter, energy, can neither be created nor destroyed. Ooh, getting deep already. Where does that, well, I didn't make that up, I mean. But where does that, so energy, when a person dies, where does that energy go? It's got to go someplace. Oh, God.

Don't get me started. I lose so much sleep thinking about what happens when we die. I don't like it. I'm afraid of it. You know, I've made my peace with it. I feel like. Somehow that doesn't surprise me. I feel like there's a nothingness, but it's a warm nothingness.

And I think it envelops you forever. And, of course, I don't believe in ghosts, but I do believe in ghouls. I do think that. Could you explain the difference between that again, please? I'd love to. A ghost, of course, is a spirit that's trapped between realms. Sure, okay. And a ghoul is an unpleasant supernatural creature.

Right, ghoul does seem to have sort of a negative connotation. Oh, it's not good, it's not good. Yeah, right, when you call someone a ghoul, you know, that's not good. Yeah, they're these sort of, I feel like they're very earthy. And not a golem specifically, but definitely a supernatural creature that means ill. And where do they come from? I don't know. Where do they go?

They certainly go to dark places where they can jump out at you. I've never had an experience. Well, I don't think that I've had an experience with a ghoul. I've had unexplained things happen to me in my life. And of course, there's a lot of my great-grandfather, after whom I'm named, burnt. He was famously put in the hospital

by a ghoul. He did battle with a ghoul. Did battle with one? He did battle with a ghoul in the... In the Ardennes Forest during World War II. Yes. How has this not been talked about?

This is a movie. This is a miniseries. I don't want to bore people with the stories of my family. It does not sound boring. It's, we've, you know, if you're in my family, you've heard it a hundred times. You do have a very rich, rich family tree and history with a lot of sort of odd, odd balls. Yeah. Well, especially considering that I am an only child, the child of only children, no cousins, and no aunts and uncles. And it's just a direct line, but a lot of crazy stuff in the past.

A lot of crazy stuff in the past. A lot of crazy stuff in the past. We thought we had a ghost in our house once. No, it wasn't a ghost thing. Well, turns out you're right. It was just the twins moving shit around in my kitchen. It was really exciting. I think you told me about this. Oh, God.

They were getting up in the, because they like to scare you. They love to scare me. They were getting up in the middle of the night and moving things around and then going back to bed. Yes. And then I'd wake up in the morning and then, you know, the blender would be in the sink and the towels would be on fire on the, which was weird. It was like, you know, you can play a prank, but don't endanger the entire house. Exactly. And this is Matt and Cron.

Yes. And they, they're very, they have always been very mischievous boys. And now that they're, they're off in college. Yes. And I imagine. I hope. I hope they still are. Good Lord.

Have you not heard from them? I don't. But I haven't heard from them. But I guess I just go to sleep just hoping that they're where they're supposed to be. I see. You know what I'm saying? How long has it been since you've heard from them? It's been a week.

And that's long for me. You're saying it's been one week? It's been one week. But listen. Yes, it has. It's been one week. It's been one week since you've heard from them. That's been one week since I've heard from them.

Yes. And Doug is trying to get me to be better about not reaching out to them. Oh, Doug, our engineer. Oh, yes. And Joan's husband, who is recording the show. From the hot tub. From the hot tub. Well, we're doing a nighttime recording.

And I know, listen. This is going to sound like a foolish question. I know what you're going to say. Is the hot tub full of water? Yes, it is. It is. It is. How are you doing out there, babe?

Because it's nighttime. We just thought it would be nice, but you just have to obviously make sure to be very careful. We are having a nice nighttime record. It's a very pleasant evening tonight. It is, yeah. And so we've got the screen door going and citronella candles. Yeah, it's just starting to creep into mosquito season. We don't want to have a repeat of last year.

But they don't like the chlorine, which is kind of one of the reasons that they don't like the chlorine. Which is one of the reasons they got in there. How you doing, babe? How is it? Pretty good. There is water in here. Okay. But it's only about ankle deep.

I need to fill that. I didn't realize it had dried up so much. Wow. But I'm enjoying it. Okay. Yeah. So the hot tub is. Are you in your bathing suit?

Oh, yeah. When you say that you didn't realize it had dried up so much, does that mean that the hot tub water has just been slowly evaporating over the course of, I'm going to say, a couple years? Which is weird because we've had the cover on. Yeah. Yeah, it feels like we just used this, but I think it's been about five years or so. It's been five years? Since you've used the tub? Since we've used the tub? It feels like it's been one week, but it's been about five years or so. It's been five years? Since you've used the tub? Since we've used the tub? It feels like it's been one week,

but it's been five years. So you're in ankle-deep standing water. Yes. That has not been changed. You're sitting in ankle-deep standing water. Are you sitting in it? I am sitting. Okay. Alright. And just so I know, how does that reconcile with the electronic

equipment that is surrounding you? It's outside of the tub, obviously, right? We have it set up on a table. Yeah, I have component. You know, there's a little shelf kind of around the jacuzzi. Oh, it's my martini shelf. It was my birthday present last year. I said it was my dream to have a martini shelf.

Sure. I mean, in life, first of all, but I can't have one outside. That's not my car window I can't have one outside. That's not my car window. So I wanted one outside my hot tub. Like an old diner that you'd see in the 50s movie. Except for without the food, without the waitress, without the roller skates, and just with martini. Car hop comes over, gives you a martini, puts it right there on the windowsill.

The windowsill of your car. Now, is the martini shelf something that you have to have made or is it something that you can readily buy? Believe me, I looked and nothing existed. You Google martini shelf, that doesn't come up. I'm going to do that right now. Please do. All that came up was a drag queen of the same name. She's fabulous.

So Doug said he would craft one. And it's really gorgeous. It's teak. Is that right, Doug? It's teak. It's said he would craft one. And it's really gorgeous. It's teak. Is that right, Doug? It's teak. It's like two by fours that I just nailed together. I think it looks beautiful. I think it's one teak plank and one cedar plank. It's terrific.

I like the mixing of the woods, actually. I think it's very charming. It's been one teak. It's been one teak. Yeah. And a cedar plank. And a cedar plank. Yeah, that's very, it's very charming. It's been one teak. It's been one teak. And a cedar plant. Yeah, that's right. And it really gives off a lovely smell. Two lovely smells.

Which, when combined with the outside air, it's just lovely. And with, obviously, a dirty martini. It smells like if Groot got in the Hope Chest. Oh, my word. I'm very proud of you. A Marvel reference? I'm so chest. Oh, my word. I'm very proud of you. A Marvel reference?

I'm so proud of you, Gert. I just saw the Groot movie. That's what I call it. The Groot movie. And that Groot is a star. Let me tell you something. Oh, he's pretty great. Now, wait. Did you see Teen Groot or Baby Groot?

Because there's different Groots. What's this? Well, there's different. I saw that Groot dies at the end. Spoiler. And then he's different Groot. What's this? Well, there's different. I saw that Groot dies at the end. Spoiler. And then he's in a pot. And it seems like there's a new Groot on the way. Is it the same Groot?

That's debatable. Some people wonder if it is or not. And I got to say, just a magnificent voice performance by Vin Diesel. Yes, such range. You might think, oh, they could have gotten anyone to do this. No. No. Nope.

Why give some nobody a job? Exactly. When Vin Diesel's got the goods to repeat one sentence over and over again. Pay the man. That's right. Pay the man. Pay him what he's worth. Anyway, look.

That's okay. So I was just going to say, Doug, be very careful because electricity and water famously do not mix. And you don't have to be a pharmacist like I am to know that. Yeah, you don't have to be anybody to know that, anyone specific. You just have to be alive to know that. You just should know that. You just should know that. All right.

So, here's what we do on the show. We discuss the happenings of our neighborhood, Dunwoody Falls, via the NeighborHap social networking website. Well done, Bert. Well said. Thank you very much. So this post comes from a man named Lucky, and it says, Hi, I'm Lucky with Lucky Bees. I'm looking for anyone willing to host a beehive on your property.

Do you have any fruit trees? Your very own beehive will triple the amount of fruit on your trees. Help be part of the solution. You can imagine what he did there, right? He did. He will triple the amount of fruit on your trees. Help be part of the solution. You can imagine what he did there, right? He spelled out the word bee. He sure did. The insect. Correct.

Yes. Help be part of the solution to saving bees. There is nothing like having a bottomless jar of honey right in your backyard. I have a website or you can call me. He lists all that. All of my beehives get requeened with gentle gold and Italian queens, making them ideal for neighborhood beekeeping. Now, my first statement here is an observation. Oh, OK.

It's weird. To me, it's weird. Obviously, this guy's name is not Lucky. Don't you find that if someone actually calls themselves Lucky, they are anything but in life? Now, do you think you're saying usually it's bestowed upon you as an ironic? Someone who's a real mess. It's like, I'm lucky, you know, and they're like drinking on the corner. Well, it's like the famous missing dog poster.

Which one? This was before memes were a thing. Oh, going way back. There was a missing – there was a poster of a missing dog and he had all kinds of problems. He had one eye. He had three legs, he had missing teeth, whatever. And then, you know, describes all his maladies.

And at the bottom it says, answers to the name of Lucky. Now, isn't that funny? So it was a joke? You know, I haven't known to this day if it was a joke or not. I assumed it was a joke. But then I think there was part of me that thought, what if there was a dog out there named Lucky who's got all these problems? Oh.

Was it like, do you think it was that Banksy thing? Do you know what, Joan? Maybe it was Banksy. It may have been the first Banksy. Right. He was just getting his feet wet. Yes. Much like Doug.

Much like Doug. In the standing water. Mm-hmm. So, you know, I don't know anything about bees. I don't know that I'd want someone to come and inject more bees into my house. I know, as a pharmacist, I know that some people are deathly allergic to bees. Absolutely. Doug is only one half of his body.

It's the weirdest thing. Really? Only one half of his body reacts. One half of his body reacts? Like just completely completely like a line you can see. What did you say? We drew it once. I said one half. Just puffy.

What did you think I said? I didn't know. Right. I thought the word puppy got in there. Oh, puppy. No, no, no. He's not allergic to puppies. I look like a Sharpay puppy when I get stung. That's right. It's like he grows extra skin, that skin puffs up, and then it folds. And then it folds over.

It's a very involved chemical reaction. That's a severe reaction, but only one half of your body. Only one half. Only one half. And do you look like Harvey Dent, the villain Two-Face? Two-Face, yes. That's a DC reference. No, this is really good.

Really, really good. I saw that movie recently, too. It was a double feature. Are you a double feature? Where did you find a double feature, Ber good. I saw that movie recently, too. It was a double feature. Are you a double feature? Where did you find a double feature, Bernd? I saw Groot and Duvets. Where did you find a double feature of two movies that are definitely not playing anymore? I rented these movies.

You know, I recently had a discussion with another friend of mine about can it be a double feature if you watch it in your home? And I maintain that if you watch two movies in a row, you can do that. And this fellow, he was scoffing at me saying a double feature. Who was this fellow? I don't want to get into it. But he will never be on this podcast. Oh, wow. Okay.

So anyhow, I don't think that I would probably have someone come and do that. It's kind of fascinating that someone's whole life is bees? I feel like that's a crazy person. I don't mean crazy. I mean crazy like wild and just willing to throw caution to the wind to go into that business. That sounds like a Batman villain. Someone who has some sort of symbiotic connection with these bees. Oh, yeah.

The beekeeper. Oh, the beekeeper. The bee haver. I think beekeeper is a little... Well, beekeeper is a real thing. I guess I'm trying to think, like, would there be a variation on beekeeper? Oh, right, right, right.

Because that's a legitimate job. You don't want to demonize people. Sting. Although I don't know the scarecrow gun. I think that's taken. Sting. Well, scarecrows aren't alive, so I think that one's in the clear.

Oh, interesting. Where, and they're aren't alive, so I think that one's in the clear. Oh, interesting. And they're pretty scary, even to non-crows. It's true. In fact, I think they scare people more than they scare crows. You can search. There's wonderful videos of people. This is on YouTube. People disguised as scarecrows on Halloween, and they sit on their porch waiting to scare people who come up for trick or treating.

And then, uh, and then some people punch the scarecrows right in the face. Yeah, they sure do. It's a, it's delightful. They get it. They're down for the count. Anyway. Um, I, I, I don't like the idea of hosting when he says host a beehive and then he's going to come around and do you have to make small talk with this guy?

Oh, I guarantee you do. See, this is the kind of guy who comes, does the bee thing and then wants to stay and chat for like 45 minutes. Yeah. About probably conspiracy theories. Absolutely. With bees, chemtrails. And then, you know, the idea that doubles your fruit tree. I have friends, this is a married couple and they have a fruit tree on their property and it doubles your fruit tree. I have friends. This is a married couple, and they have a fruit tree on their property, and it's a lemon tree. Let me tell you something. This lemon tree is, with no help from the bees, is doing too much business. Like, there's too many lemons. It's not that big of a tree, but it's a lot of lemons.

And the idea that you would want even more of those unless you were, you know, this was your business. Right. Seems demented to me. Well, okay. Well, that's a strong take. Let me tell you something else about lemon trees. Oh, okay. This is what I learned from my friends.

Did you know lemon trees have thorns? They have many, many thorns. Oh, I did know that. It's kind of shocking. What? Who do lemon trees think they're defending themselves from? Exactly. Yeah, that's a good point. It's a of shocking. Who do lemon trees think they're defending themselves from? Exactly. Yeah, that's a good point. It's a sour fruit. Right.

You know. Who's scratching up your trunk? Who's scratching up your trunk, I'd say to a lemon tree. My friend Joan said that. That's something an old grandma used to say to me. One of your old grandmas?

Speaking of being your bonnet, she would just say, who's scratching up your trunk? Oh, she sounds sassy and fun. She was. Is she still with us? Absolutely not. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yes, we do.

When we return, we will have a guest in studio more when The Neighbor Listen returns. This is Kristen here. Gorgeous original screen print artwork. It was $100, now $70. Actually, I would just take any price at this point. It's awesome original screen print of man in herringbone suit signed Noel in 1971. Purchased for $200. It talks to me at night and follows me when I walk past it. We've had an exorcism and they said to not frame it so it's unframed so that the soul could escape the painting.

This has not worked. My walls bleed. My teacups rattle, and this man in the herringbone suit will not leave me alone. Please come and take this off my hands. $70, but at this point, I am just willing to have someone come and take the goddamn thing off the wall. Thank you. Have someone come and take the goddamn thing off the wall. Thank you. Welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. Oh, that was another fun.

Oh, are you being the bear again? I'm being the bear. I loved it. That's when the bear gets angry. Oh, it's a theme. This is fun. We didn't mean for. Does it sound like you think it's fun, Bert? No.

I genuinely do think it's fun. I think I just sang it emphatically and it sounded like I was angry. Okay. We do have a guest here. As we always do on the Neighborhood List, this is a neighbor of ours from right here in Dignity Falls. And first, we'll read his post. This comes to us from Joseph. Joseph from Dignity Falls.

The headline, need empty cans for an experiment. The post continues. Hi, neighbors. I am conducting an experiment that requires about 150 empty aluminum cans, such as Pepsi, Coca-Cola, Sprite beer, etc. The normal 12 ounce cans. I can pick them up sometime next week. Any help is appreciated. Thank you in advance. If you are willing to help

me, please collect them for me and let me know where to go to pick them up. Well, he's covered every base. Yes, he has. Joan, I for one am very intrigued as to this experiment. Me too. Because he does not say what it is. Nope. But hopefully he will shed some light on this

now. We have him right here. Joseph, welcome to the Neighborhood Listen. Hello. Hello. Oh, hello. Thank you for having me. Joseph, reading this post, one might think you were a small boy in school. No, no, no. But you are not. You're a grown man. I am a big

old man. You are? How tall do you stand? 6'9". That is... And sitting down, he's tall. I know. Yeah. I played Division III basketball.

Did you really? How'd you do? Not well. I was too tall and very clumsy. You're tall. But that's okay, because my... Is that a thing, too tall for basketball? You can be.

Wow. But my failure in athletics led me to science. Now we come to it. Good for you. So, Joseph. Yes? You're conducting an experiment that involves 150 aluminum cans. No more, no less. And that's very specific. Okay, okay.

Right. Why 150 and what is this experiment? Can you give us any insight? Oh, I can. Well, the answer to your first question must come second. Science. I consider myself what you would call an amateur. Let me take this again. I was both an amateur basketball player, never turned professional, but I am an amateur alchemist hoping to turn professional. Now, an alchemist, do you mean that you are trying to turn base lead into gold?

No, I am trying to turn aluminum into gold. Oh, this is a twist. What? Is that the experiment? This is a twist. That is the experiment. Now, this makes a lot of sense, if successful. It makes a lot of sense because aluminum is everywhere. And there is a problem with recycling.

That is right. Typically, you get, I don't know, 50 cents, maybe less for a can. But what if you could get $6,000? What a number. I'm eating gold bars per 12-ounce can of Pepsi, cola, Sprite beer, et cetera. Now, you list that. Is there a reason why you listed all of them? It just seems like any kind of aluminum can is fine because you pretty much listed all the kinds of aluminum cans.

Sure, sure, sure. Are there any aluminum cans you would not accept? Well, the et cetera covers, you know, kind of the rest. But the truth is Pepsi, Coca-Cola, Sprite, beer. Those are the something about the chemical composition of those particular drinks that leads to even greater returns of the gold. What about La Croix? Because I have boxes of those. The what?

La Croix. You know, Pumplemousse is my favorite. Never heard of it. I mean, my favorite, favorite. Joe, let's put a pin in that for a moment, because it seems like he, Joseph indicated he was successful in doing this. I don't know if you caught that. What?

He said that those specific hands yield the most results. I just wanted to help. No, of course. Of course. I thought you said La Croix. Maybe it's La Croix. I don't know. Dwayne La Croix Johnson?

I saw The Scorpion King, too. It was almost a triple feature, but I watched that the next day. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Keep going. So, Joseph, are you telling us that you have successfully turned aluminum cans into gold? My friends, I haven't told a soul, but I figured coming on this podcast would be the best way to announce I am a billionaire.

This is a scoop. Oh my word. So it absolutely worked. How many gold bars do you have? I have about, well, I have roughly 24 gold bars currently. I had to spend a lot of money to get the experiment set up.

Sure. But it works. So I need 150 cans, no more, no less, in order to buy my house. Can you? I want to get out from under the deck collection. But you already are a billionaire. Well, sort of in spirit.

I see, I see, I see. Oh, I see. I thought it was misleading. This might be fun, and feel free. This is yours if you want it, but you can reject it. It's all gold. Call yourself a bullionaire. Oh.

Oh, I love that. Oh, that's very clever. I like that. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes. So could you maybe explain a bit about how the experiment works? I could.

Yes. Okay. So you've got your standard 12-ounce can, right? Absolutely. Coca-Cola, Pepsi, beer, Sprite, et cetera. Right. What you do first is you slice the top off can, right? Absolutely. Coca-Cola, Pepsi, beer, Sprite, et cetera. What you do first is you slice the top off, all right? The top part, you don't need that.

Throw it right in the trash. Wait, what do you say the top part? How much of the can are we talking about? Just sort of like the lip and the... The little thing that you flip to open it. Yeah, the flicker. Yeah, the thingy. The lip and the flicker. So literally what would be sort of the lid of the can.

Right, exactly. You slice that off, throw it right in the trash. Slice it off. Sl lip and the flicker. So literally what would be sort of the lid of the can. Right. Exactly. You slice that off, throw it right in the trash. Slice it off. Slice it off. It needs to be done with a sword. This is key to the chemical reaction of what eventually will take place. I like sabering a champagne bottle. Exactly.

100%. So you take the topless aluminum can, and first what you do is you stick it into the wall socket to charge it up, okay? This creates an electric current that begins to shift the molecules from aluminum into gold. I see. How do you do this? Well, you put rubber gloves on, and then you just kind of shove it in there.

And you do this for every single can. That's right. Is this why we had the blackout last week? Maybe. Now, here's what I'm getting hung up on. The circumference of your average 12-ounce can surrounds the outlet. It seems like it would just go over the outlet. I know where you're going with this.

I agree. I agree. It would just cover it rather than actually touch it. How do you get it into the slot? It's not easy. It takes a lot. It's a bit of, I don't mean to be graphic, but it's a bit like the first time you have sex. Oh. It's a little bit awkward, a bit of stabbing, a bit of trial and error, frankly. Right, but you can, unlike the first time you have sex, depending on who you are,

the visibility you have from can to outlet seems like greatly improved over yes your first sexual experience sure but the flip of that is that the sizing is way worse on the can to outlet than for sure right without a doubt so you're saying just repeated stabs and eventually you get the can into the outlet indeed and this charges it up behind you wearing rubber gloves so you're safe from harm so So the can is now charged, right? How long do you leave it in there? Depends on the type of can. Oh, it does?

Yes. A beer can, three minutes. Whoa! Sprite can, 15. 15? Coca-Cola,

just a 30 second charge. I shudder to think of how you arrive at these times. That must have been the real tricky part of the experiment. Lots of trial and error. Right.

I'm a 60-year-old. Really? I've been working on this since I was 19. You look remarkable for your age. Thank you. Terrific. I'm 6'9 and 60. Nice.

Nice. So you charge all the cans, then what? So that, we are merely, that's step one of ten. Wow. Of ten. Yes. Okay. Good to know.

What you do is you crush up the can. So now it's just an electric ball of aluminum. Okay. You throw it out the window to get some of the air molecules onto it. That begins the oxidation. All right. So step one, shove the can in the outlet. Yes.

Is step two, wait for it to finish charging? No, no. Well, yes, I suppose so. Okay. Step two, wait for it to finish charging. Step three, crumple it up into an electric ball. That's right. Step four, throw it out the window.

That's right. So it will attract air molecules. Air molecules. Indeed, air molecules. Right. And you can't just wave it around. No, no, no, no. In the room.

It must be thrown. It must be thrown. Yes, because it can't be in contact with the rubber. It needs to fully be surrounded by the air. Oh, that makes sense. Of course, of course, of course. So now you've got the electric ball. It's been oxidized.

You pick it up out of the grass of your front yard. Step five. Step five. So it was in your front yard. So there was an entire pile of these cans in your front yard. Yes. Okay. Sorry, I should have said. Oh, so you don't have to do them one at a time. Oh, I assumed it was all happening at once. No? So there was an entire pile of these cans in your front yard. Yes. Okay. Sorry.

I should have said. Oh, so you don't have to do them one at a time. Oh, I assumed it was all happening at once. No? Typically, you do it one at a time. Oh. Wow. What a long process. You have to make the trip to the yard for each can.

Yes. I forgot a step. Before you make the trip to the yard, preheat the oven to 500 degrees. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. So the oven's warming up.

Which step is that? Is that before you throw the can, did you say? Yes. So I guess that would be step four. And step five is going to get the can out of the yard. We're halfway through. Okay. All right. So the oven's warming up. Which step is that? Is that before you throw the can, did you say? Yes. So I guess that would be step four. And step five is going to get the can out of the oven. All right. We're halfway through. Right.

Step six, you go and put the can in the oven and let it melt. Put it on 500 for about, I don't know, a day. A day? A day? Yes. To melt aluminum. To melt an electrified aluminum can. I'm just shocked at how long this process must take.

Yes. And something, I haven't quite figured out the science behind it yet, but something about the heat causes the charged aluminum to turn into gold. And after you take it out, you paint it gold. It's ready to go. So wait, now that was step seven. Yes. We got three more steps, but it sounded like it already turned into gold.

Although, did it? You said you just painted gold? Sorry, let's break that down. Step eight is you get out from crushing debt. Step nine is people finally respect you and step 10 is your wife

comes back. Okay. Let me ask you this, Joseph. Sure. The step where, as Joan said, you just paint it gold. Let's break that down.

Sure. So it's not really gold. What do you mean? Oh, I think it's what it sounds like. Is it gold because you've painted it and only because of that? Here's my question to you. Are we alive because we think we're alive okay what does gold mean this is what we were talking about earlier well that's two different things define gold

i guess it really it's not so much what it means to us but what it means to anyone who who places value on gold exactly right that value is just merely human beings deciding on a value system. I mean, that's true, but we did decide that real gold is the thing that we place value on and not just things that look like gold. Right, but who says what real gold is? I think there's actually a scientific measure of what real gold is. AG, I believe. I believe that is correct. Yes.

I believe that's correct. I don't know how that's a victory for you. Would yours test out if someone actually performed an experiment to see if it had that component? You're asking if somebody tests it to see if it's genuine gold? Yes. Pass the test. Well, here's my thing. I want to change the way that we think about genuine gold.

I'm sure that you do, but that does seem like a no. Let me ask you this as well, just going back a couple steps. After you melt the can, what form is it in now? I wanted to know that too. It's like the sort of top of a creme brulee, but on the bottom of a pan. Can you picture that?

I can. It's like ice or glass. But not like a gold bar in any way. No, it's just aluminum. So just like a sheet of aluminum. Yes. Thin sheet of aluminum that's painted gold. Yes.

And now when we say painted gold, of course, there's no gold in gold paint. It's just a color. Mm-hmm. You're aware of that, right? I suppose so, yes. It's an interesting response. I suppose so, yes. It's an interesting response. I suppose so.

So, this seems like I don't know how to put this without sounding insulting. Okay. But this seems crazy. Wow. Okay. Is that rude to say? I mean, listen, it wouldn't be the first time

I've been called that. But here's the thing. Wasn't Copernicus called crazy for daring to believe that... That what? Go on. That the Earth was not the center of the universe, I think. Wasn't Charles Darwin crazy for daring to deign that God did not create man and beast as we know it, but rather it was a series of evolutionary steps? All scientists are deemed crazy.

You get bloody when you're the first through the door. Well, that's true, but what you are describing is absolutely not alchemy, and you have just spray painted some melted cans. And also, now that I look at it, you have several rings, and they appeared silver to me, but now I'm seeing close up. That's tinfoil. They are. Yes, I'm wearing tinfoil rings. Yes. Yes. I don't know.

Sure. I am. Wow. Are we just judging each other's appearances now? Well, no. I don't know. Sure. I am. Wow. Are we just judging each other's appearances now? No, hold on a second. You're wearing a weird hairband. I was trying to nail down whether or not you considered that silver now that I realize that you're sort of calling things possibly what they are not. Exactly.

We're just trying to get a sense of where you view things in reality. Sure. My thing is that the culture is not ready to shift on silver yet, but I do think we're at a breaking point on gold. You think it's going to start with gold? Yes. Where people are going to say a gold-painted can, not even the whole can, is gold.

Yes. I would argue that's a tougher leap than anything. People are very particular about gold. I mean, Doug gave me a necklace a couple years ago, and he thought it was gold. He got it at a secondhand store, and we went and got it tested. You can actually go to these places, and they'll tell you right away. Oh, yeah. And also, gold has a weight to it.

In fact, that's how they decide also how much money you might get from it. And I would think an aluminum can is very, very light without very much weight at all. I would think so. But that's the thing. That charging it up and then heating it and then melting it gives it that nice bite that gold has. Okay. So I'm almost there. What does that mean?

What is that? You remember back in olden times? We're talking about. Like in movies. Yukon Cornelius, that sort of thing. Exactly. Where they're like, oh, is this a real doubloon? And then they just take a bite of it.

Sure. Right, right, right. Anyway. So you bit every single one of those kids. I bit it all, yes. But here's the thing. You guys might not believe in my process, but I've got a buyer. Really?

Yes. Is that right? Yep. Are they going to listen to this podcast? God, I hope not. Have you walked them, this buyer, through the steps? Yes. Well, now, who made me know? Are they going to listen to this podcast? God, I hope not. Have you walked them, this buyer, through the steps? Yes. And they, here's the thing.

They understand my process. But they're with me in thinking that the culture's about to shift. That we're at a breaking point here. Really? Okay. It's 2020. You never know. Anything's possible.

It's 2020. Sexual politics are changing and the idea surrounding gold is changing. They go hand in hand. They go hand in hand. Get woke. Gold is shifting. Okay? All right.

Now, can we know the identity of this buyer? Yes. Okay. And... Here's where you say who it is. Will you please tell us right now? Tom Steyer. Tom Steyer. Tom Steyer, the billionaire presidential candidate who only owns one tie.

Correct. He, you've walked him through the steps. Is it the same Tom Steyer that we're thinking of? Which one are you thinking of? I'm thinking of the one that I just described. Is that the one you're thinking of, Joan? That's who I was thinking of. Okay.

So is it the one that we're thinking of? I'm thinking of the one that I just described. Is that the one you're thinking of, Joan? That's the one I was thinking of. Okay, so is it the one that we're thinking of? Does he live on a hill? Well, that's very general. I don't know. It's very possible he's a rich man. Is that? Sure. I mean, it's nice to live on a hill, I suppose.

But when you say live on a hill, have you been to his home? One time. And what was it actually? It was on a hill. Was it a big house? It was sort of like, you know how I think James and the Giant Peach lives on a hill in the middle of nowhere? Is that where the Giant Peach is, is on a hill? I feel like.

Or James' home? I'm not sure. That was a bad description. I don't know if I've ever read that book and I can't recall if he starts out on the Giant Peach or if he stumbles upon it one day. I feel like the Peach, Yeah, I don't remember. I don't either. Anyway, Tom, the Tom Star I know lives on a hill in the Yucatan Peninsula all alone.

This, yeah. Probably not the same one. It might not be the same one. Might not be a billionaire. Or maybe it's a summer home. A summer home? Mm-hmm. Okay. It's possible. I guess he would have more than one home. Anyway, he has agreed that he will buy 150 of these experiments

and he will give me all the money that I want to get out from underneath crushing debt and get my life back on track. Can I ask? Okay, well, eventually, if you do have this gold, you're going to have to sell it anyway, so you might as well.

You seem upset. Well, I— He's—we're just concerned. I think we're concerned is what it is. There's concern. There's concern. There's concern for you. There's concern for our safety.

Uh-huh, the community. The community. I don't know. I don't—I don't—I don't—I don't think that you've made gold. Can I pose a question? I think that's been made very clear. Well, I don't know that it has, Joan. Oh, you mean to Joseph?

To Joseph, yeah. Can I pose a thought experiment to you both? I'm sure. Joan, you're married. I sure am. Hey, babe, how you doing? Pretty good. I got a bunch of cans surrounding me.

Perfect. What? You can pick some up. Why do you have a bunch of cans surrounding you? I'm hanging out in the jacuzzi. Oh, I see. That's what you do while you hang out. Right.

How many cans are we talking about? About a dozen. Yeah, that's too many. What are you drinking? I think that's too many for a solo jacuzzi trip. I do, too. That's why I'm asking him what he's drinking. What have you gotten into, Doug?

Oh, just some brew, brewski. He's got 12. I simply need 138 more. So you drank, wait a minute, you do homebrew, but you put it in aluminum cans? Yeah, I make my own cans. There's a ton of them. He's my kind of guy. He does, he loves to do, he's very much gotten into homebrewing.

He makes his own cans? And also making the cans, yes. There's huge aluminum sheets along the side of the house. You're welcome to take some. Oh, sheets? I don't know if that would fit in my oven. So many revelations here today. I know, I know.

Well, Joseph, what's that? It was a good way to get rid of these sheets. You know, we've been trying to get rid of these aluminum sheets. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So the aluminum sheets just happened to be there. Right. And that's why you started making cans out of them?

I made cans and I realized I had, I bought way too many aluminum sheets. He's only gone through one sheet. It's been one sheet since he started this. So. All right. Unsheet since he started this. Sorry, can I pose a question to you? Sure, Joseph, absolutely. I feel as if we've gotten away. We have gotten away. If you were, let's just say hypothetically, thought experiment.

You're both in a loving, happy marriage, right? Let's just say hypothetically, thought experiment. You're both in a loving, happy marriage, right? Suddenly, your partner says, you're not a famous scientist and we have no money. This is hypothetical. This is hypothetical. I'm leaving. Your experiments are bad shit.

You're bad at what you do. Just like you were bad at basketball. Right. Just hypothetical. Okay, hypothetical. Right. And then that partner goes away wouldn't you consider the fact that the creation of an undeniably scientifically historically sought after science experiment would be enough to bring that person back well let me let me let me add to that scenario.

Okay. Let's say, okay, you're in a loving relationship. Mm-hmm. And your partner says to you one day, you are not a famous scientist. You are bad at basketball. Your experiments are batshit. I'm leaving. Mm-hmm.

And it turns out that all of those things are true. Yes. Then what do you think should happen? Would you blame that person? Yes. Imagine it's true, just like Bryn said. Imagine all that's true. Yeah.

Should that person stay with you? And would you expect them to come back? I mean, should that person stay with whoever we're talking about? Sorry, sorry. Or even not should, but would. Do you expect that person to ever come back? Well, I, if those are the criteria that that person is laying out for the success of a partnership, I would, you know, being the scientist that I am, simply go about solving all of those problems. So I would first become a famous scientist by, you know, maybe turning

aluminum into gold. Then I would get very good at basketball by hiring Scottie Pippen for one-on-one sessions on the weekend. With all the money you make from the gold game. Sure, sure, sure. And then what was the third thing that I, I mean, that was said about the experience? Something about it being magic? Oh, yes.

Then I would get a psychiatric evaluation that said I was good to go. Do you know what? I would start there. I would start there. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, that's where I would start.

Or backwards. Absolutely. You think so? Yeah, I do. Well, why not? Why not get, that's the most unpleasant part. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, that's where I would start. Work backwards. You think so? Yeah, I do. Well, why not? Why not get, that's the most unpleasant part. Yeah. Why not take care of that first, get it out of the way?

I agree. I worry, I worry that that is setting me up for classic confirmation bias. Oh, we're talking about you now. If you set an experiment with an expected outcome, well, I mean, then I would say don't arrive at the psychiatric evaluation saying, people have called me batshit because I say I can turn aluminum cans into gold. I would keep that to yourself and just say, I'd like to have a psychiatric evaluation. That's right. I would just do that.

I think that's a very good idea. In fact, I would recommend it. Okay. Can I come clean with you guys? Okay. Of course. I can't turn aluminum into gold. Oh, no.

But I can turn water into wine. Whoa, engineer, man. You're now. But I can turn water into wine. Whoa, engineer, man. You're now sitting in ankle-deep wine. Whoa. Are you, Doug? Is that true? I mean, is it white wine? He wants to believe so badly.

It is ankle-deep white wine. Should I try it? I don't think so. No, no, honey. He wants to believe so badly. Yeah, yeah. Besides, if it was white wine, I would have smelled it, and I don't think so. No, no, honey. He wants to believe so badly. Yeah, yeah. Besides, if it was white wine, I would have smelled it and I would have been there. Oh, you're like a white wine bloodhound.

That is correct. Well, Joseph, thank you so much for coming in here. I really do wish you luck. Yeah, I wish you luck as well. And I do think that psychiatric evaluation would be a great jumping off point for your new business venture. Start with that. So then you can say to your clients, I'm a sound mind. I got a clean bill of health.

And if you don't get a clean bill of health, then, you know, there's other options as well or things that might happen. So best of luck to you. And thank you for appearing on the show. Thank you for having me. Vote for Tom Steyer 2020. Okay, we'll be right back. We'll be right back. Hi, it's NF and free gray wool area rug about 6x9 with pad.

Never used since professionally cleaned. I feel like that's not clear what I'm saying. Does it sound like I'm saying I haven't used it since I had it professionally cleaned? Or does it sound like I have not used it since I had it professionally cleaned? Or does it sound like I have not used it since I... Wait. Does it sound like I'm saying I never used it because it was professionally cleaned? Or that I have not used it

since it was professionally cleaned? Anyway, I'm not including a picture. You know what the color gray is. And you have the dimensions. So I don't understand. It seems like there's a real crackdown, people wanting pictures of things. But it's a gray wool Aerie rug. I've given you color, and I've given you texture.

I've given you dimensions. You don't need to see a picture. Just come and get it. Never used since professionally cleaned. What does that mean to you? Figure that out. And then come by and get this gray wool rug that you do not need to see a picture of. Welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen.

Joseph. Yeah, I... Where is he now? Do we have eyes on him? I didn't see him exactly leave. I do know that he headed for the garage and kept saying, you know, he was just mistaking it for the exit. But he really kept trying to get into the garage. I feel like he's interested in those aluminum sheets. Yeah, I think so too.

Babe, do you have eyes on Joseph? No, I tried some of the water. Oh, Jesus. And I'm feeling a little woozy. Okay. What is wrong with you? That might have nothing to do with Joseph. I think just that was a mistake all the way around, even if Joseph had not come in today.

I shouldn't have to say don't drink the hot tub water. No, you're not supposed to do that anyway. No. Even if it's fresh. No, never. All right. I think a cat sprayed it. Oh, my Lord. All right. Don't fit it. A big cat sprayed it. Oh. Oh, my Lord.

All right. We have time for one more. This is from the crime and safety section of NeighborHap. This comes from Rosie. Headline, man shooting birds. Yikes. I should say subject line. What did you say?

I said headline. I think I said that earlier, too. It kind of sounds like a headline. It kind of reads like a headline. It makes me think of a headline. Man Shooting Birds is the title. And then the post says, To the man on the balcony of his shooting birds. Wow.

Why the hell are killing slash hunting birds? You saw me walking my dog above the artist's houses and you went inside your house. I don't know what artists, artists' houses. It's that new, it's the new lofts they're trying to build downtown. They've got a few, haven't you seen it?

The billboards for it? Where it says, if you lived here, you'd be home already. I've seen that. Right. And it's for artists, artists is the general, it's going to be like a whole all-inclusive. There's going to be like a farmer's marketinclusive there's going to be like a you know i think like a farmer's market on the inside it's very very hip and now there's going to be um like you can there's like five cold brew places five there's like a it's going to have its own printing press like an old what yep it's gonna have an old school printing press and

yeah and it's got a it's got an herb meditation garden and this is I mean I don't I'm having a hard time picturing they're trying to out hipster hipsters they're going for the shooting for the stars.

So they really... And they also have an observatory on top. It's an observatory hot tub. That sounds actually kind of fantastic. Observatory hot tub. Yeah, it's like a whole... Like I said, it's a whole thing. It's going to be very expensive,

but you never have to leave. It's like its own community, which is why it's going to generate its own editorial. What's the word I'm looking for? Newspaper? Nope. Yes, newspaper. But there's another thing that they call it.

Periodical. Thank you, Doug. Oh, I see. It's going to have its own. Okay. He fills in all my blanks. I think the thing is I get hung up whenever I see that. If you lived here, you'd be home by now.

I get hung up on thinking about what my sliding door's life would be. Oh, I've literally thought you were talking about the life of your sliding door. Like a Pixar movie? What if doors came to life when you were around? Hey, look, don't tempt them. They'll do it. The secret life of floors.

Yes. With Ellen DeGeneres. All right. No, no, wait. No, wait. I love this idea because Sliding Doors happens to be one of my favorite movies. Is it really? I was just watching it again last night. Double feature? Well, in a way, it is a double feature.

Oh, that's true. It's a one movie double feature. It's a one movie double feature. Yes, I love that movie. And I think about it all the time. Like, what if I had just, you know, not missed that red light? Sure. Oh. Yeah. What if I had just not missed that red light?

Wait, did you go through the red light? I did. Okay. I just think, how would things have been different, you know, if I had followed the law. Right. Was there any fallout from. Is there a brown haired woman walking around with a husband who cheated on her who, you know, who she's not aware of and she's just following the law. And and also because of that, she's living within a box that is is so confining.

Now, I've never seen this film. I know some about it. Who has the better life, the brown-haired lady or the blonde lady? The hair of the blonde-haired lady is so much better. So she's living the better life, clearly. Oh, that makes sense. All right. Wait.

So Rosa writes, you saw me walking my dog above the artist's houses and you went inside your house. Next, I will have my phone on me to take your picture. Next. Just next. Not next time. So, I guess. She leaves out a lot of words, this woman. She's very angry, clearly.

Very angry. Clearly very angry. It sounds like he was walking the dog above her. That's what I'm confused about. No. She was walking her dog. She saw him on his balcony. Oh, oh, oh. That's what I'm confused about. No, she was walking her dog. She saw him on his balcony shooting birds. I got confused.

Okay. Now, when she says birds, my first thought is pigeons. And I think, so what? But that's perhaps, perhaps that's unkind. If you were shooting sparrows, little fat sparrows, I would think that was terrible. Well, it sounds like she was upset that perhaps he might accidentally shoot her or her dog, right?

Oh, I thought she was just mad about the birds. I don't know. She says, wow, why the hell are killing hunting birds? Oh, okay. Because I would think that would also be a concern, though, too.

Well, it would. But we don't know what kind of weapon he's using, even. Oh, well, I can tell you. Is it just like a BB gun? Because if it's in the artist's house, then it's an old Derringer because they issue you an old-timey gun. Like that pops out of your sleeve? Yes, they issue you an old-timey gun when you become a resident there.

They issue an old-timey gun. You must have one. I don't know how that's legal. I don't know how that's legal. I mean, our state is very, the gun laws are very, we are an open carry state. Which one? I moved here. I thought it meant wine.

Joan. Come on. You love your wine. I do. I do. Are you drinking wine right now? Mm-hmm. But it's kombucha.

So it's kombucha wine. So it's healthy. It's kombucha wine. Mm-hmm. So it's all the benefits of both wine and kombucha. Yes, it is. But with a strong kombucha taste. Yeah.

But I mean, I mix it. I mix it with wine. Oh, you make a kombucha spritzer. That's what I do. I see. And you know, sometimes it's a kombucha spritzer shelf out there. Wow. You know, it's very versatile.

What an aftertaste party that must be. Yeah, Doug doesn't like to kiss me after it, but. Is that true, Doug? It's true. It's very true. How are you feeling now, Doug? Kind of good. Actually, the wooziness turned into a sort of.

Euphoria? Euphoria, yeah Don't go putting Glittery makeup on your cheekbones Oh my god, Jalipe loves that show And it is harrowing If that is what her life is like right now I want to die

I mean, it's just fairy wings And cocaine and blowjobs I mean, that was high school wings and cocaine and blowjobs. I mean, that was high school for me. Was it not for you? No. Oh, we were constantly blackmailing each other and setting each other up. And people were almost committing murder. And riding bikes deep into the night.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. We were just kids. All right. into the night. Oh yeah, absolutely. We were just kids. Alright, well the people hunting and killing birds I hope that's not going to become a problem here. I hope so too. And in these artist communities boy, I don't know about the mandatory guns

even though they're old timey riverboat gambler guns, I still think it's a bad idea. I do too. I do too. But you know, stay safe out there everyone. Yes, stay safe. And listen, if you live in Dignity Falls or Dignity Falls adjacent, please

do write to us if you have a post that we've missed. Yes. We'd love to read it on the air and maybe track down the guest. And that our address is, of course, burntandjone at gmail. What is it? Is that correct? It's just burntandjone. It's not like write to burntandjone or anything like that. It's, burntandjone at gmail. What is it? Is that correct? It's just burntandjone. It's not like

right to burntandjone or anything like that. It's just burntandjone at gmail.com. B-U-R-N-T-A-N-D-J-O-A-N at gmail.com. Wow.

Well done. And so lyrical. And so say we all. Battlestar Galactica. So thank you for listening to another episode of The Neighborhood Listen. I'm Bert Mia Peine. I'm Joan Pedestrian. Goodbye.

And bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.