The Neighborhood Listen - Fowl Mouth with D'Arcy Carden

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

This week, Burnt unveils the long awaited answer to last week's cliffhanger, as Joan battles a local allergy and Doug is working on a new way to traverse through the house. Later, Martha (D'Arcy Carden) shares her intriguing encounter with a man while walking in Dignity Falls.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to the entire ad-free archive as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. And now, please enjoy this in to The Neighborhood Listen. All right. Welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen. I love it when you do that. I wasn't even ready. I love doing it. Babe, are you even ready?

Doug, are you all right? Oh, were you drinking something when he did that? Did it startle babe say something are you okay yeah oh okay doug are you alone you sounded like you were do you need help i'm usually alone during this yeah it's usually he's always in a room by himself but he said usually he's alone oh well i don't know i mean you're not really all the back catalog for the one episode I was not alone. Oh my gosh. What are you telling us to do there? There's clues.

Oh wait, speaking of which. Oh, so wait, you're saying there is an episode where you had someone or something else in a room with you. Yes. And there are clues if people care to go back and listen. Is this real? Oh, that's fun. That's fun.

I love that. The Secret Lives of Dentists, 2002. Yeah, so this was our last episode. We told you that we would look it up and look up who was in it and what's it about. And my guess was it was about a marriage. If you could wait for one week, you will find out

the information on the movie The Secret Lives of Dentists. And so first, may we get the drumroll. Was I correct about Hope Davis? Yes, Hope Davis was. It is in the movie. Thank you. Babe, I'm so interested that you just didn't do, you know, you've got so many sound effects that you just used your hands on the table.

I mean, I presume. Is that what you did? I guess it was. Yeah. What? Did you say the fastest way to a drum roll? Yes. That's an interesting way to put it.

The movie has 23 people credited and they are sorted by credit order. Okay. And we will start with Campbell Scott. Oh, you're going to do the whole... That was a good guess. I'm not going to do all of them. Okay. Dennis Leary's in this movie.

Now, that's a surprise. He plays Slater. Oh, that sounds like him. Robin Tunney. Oh. The Craft. The Craft. God damn it.

You know what? I could really... I'm sorry. I swore, babe. He gets so angry when I swear. It's very really and I'm sorry I swore babe he gets so angry when I swear it's very frustrating I'm not angry

what I never get angry you do that's not I get startled you call me deer you say deer maybe a little let down

not in front of our guests you've got a little test I'm gonna say it again God damn it I would love to watch The Craft again that needs a rewatch are you proposing

a watch along it's maybe because I have not seen that movie since it came out. I wonder how it holds up. Probably pristinely. It's kind of obsessed with it for a little while. It's probably just like it rolled off the factory floor. Alright, go on. Peter Samuel

plays Larry. Don't know him. He doesn't even get a picture on IMDb. Oh, that's tough. Poor Peter Samuel. Pretty high up in the credits. Did I have a picture? Yeah. Pete Sam. He might have been a theater guy. A lot of times these theater people don't have pictures. That does sound like a theater guy. Hope Davis plays Dana Hurst.

John Patrick Walker plays Mark. That's her husband in real life. Gianna Bellino plays Lizzie Hurst. A daughter, presumably? Probably. No picture. Lydia Jordan, Stephanie Hurst. A sister?

Cassidy Hinkle, Leah Hurst. They have a lot of kids or relatives. And should we explain that also this is about, they share a practice. That's why it's dentist, plural. There are two dentists who share a practice. He's upset about her infidelity. That's the plot.

I don't blame him. Well, no, of course not. I guess. So how do you think that factors in? Like, you know, they get into the dentist's office and it's like, good morning, Dr. Hurst. And it's like, good morning, Dr. I guess. So how do you think that factors in? Like, you know, they get into the dentist's office and it's like, good morning, Dr. Hurst. And it's like, good morning, Dr. Hurst. It's like,

did you prep the patient? I already did. Well, wait, what did you say? You said, I smell crest? I smell crest on your breath. So in your imagination... That's how a dentist is able to detect an infidelity. He knows. That's not the best thing to use. That's not me recommended. that's how a dentist is able to detect an infidelity he knows

that's not the brand of toothpaste you use that's not me recommended number five we are a total household total do they still make that? they do I think although I feel like they call it everything's total you can get crest total

you can get colgate total total whitening none of that stuff works. I feel like when a toothpaste is made, they don't, it just stays there. Do you know what I mean? Do you mean in the tube or you mean just... I mean, like a toothpaste never

seems to go out of business. There's always somebody that still wants it. 100%. What was the one with the three colors that was very revolutionary? Oh, I love that. Freshident. Wasn't that what it was called? Aqua, Aqua something. Aquafresh. Aquafresh.

Aquafresh. Yeah, that one was fun. It was like candy. Yeah, it was delicious. Oh, you just squeeze it right in my mouth watching TV? I think you're supposed

to do that with cream burnt. I used to. You squeezed. You're supposed to get very sick if you do that. You're not supposed to eat that. I used to eat St. Joseph's aspirin

and just chase it with Aquafresh. Well, that's a real rock bottom for you as a kid. And then sometimes if I wanted, I would chew those tablets that would show you if you had cavities. Delicious. Oh, that got a snort from me. Thank you. Well, I'm just a little bit stuffy because, you know, I've been dealing with allergies here.

Yes. Because what people don't know is that, of course, there's a fifth sort of secret season here in Dignity Falls. It's called Sproon. Sproon. And it really is what it sounds like. Just right. Exactly what it sounds like. And it's just because we've just got these crazy we have a couple of wildlife flowers that are just specific and indigenous to

us to our town they're extremely and they wreak havoc they are poisonous carnivorous you can't eat them or touch them they will eat eat you. They will eat you. You can lose a finger for sure. So that's why their pollen is just like, oh my God. They're trying to warn you. Stay away from me. Unless you're a bug, you don't want any of this. And you know, I even did. I even did.

I don't know if you would remember this because we didn't know each other then, but you might remember me from the PSA that I did. We did a song. Oh my God. The moon is busting out all over. And it was about the, you know, watching out for the pollen, watching out for the wild flowers.

Yes. And we thought that that was really fun. I remember you did that. There was a, there was a county fair one time and you did it live and then you forgot the words. Yeah. And I was just going, just because it's Sproon, Sproon and the Jus and the Bejesus and the Hippocampus.

So it's funny that you've committed that to memory. Did you, Rish? I committed to memory. Yeah. Well, because it got a little, I think it, you know, it got a little viral at some point. Yes. This was before viral was a thing. And people just repeated it to each other.

Yeah. People were just reenacting it around town. Yes. That was the original YouTube. It was so, the original YouTube, people actingenacting it around town. That was the original YouTube. It was so, the original YouTube, people acting things out all over town. And what was amazing was that everybody did it the exact same way. Like, it was

burned into people's brains. Oh, boy. Well, that was a little sort of five minutes of fame. Is that the phrase? In the future, everyone will have five minutes of fame. I think some people get 15. I only got five. I think it's been reduced.

Oh, it definitely has. In the 70s, it was 15. It definitely has. Yeah, and now it's down to five. And then I think in like 10 more years, nobody. Nobody will be famous at all for any amount of time. Possibly not, but who knows? I mean, people could listen to this podcast years from now.

Can you imagine that? Isn't that wild to think about i think it is i think it's fun what if what if it's wally times oh boy and while there's a robot that's cleaning up garbage or just walking around what did wally do did he have a job yes he was supposed to crush garbage into little cubes that's right yeah there was so much. There was so much. He was the only one. And Hello, Dolly! saved his life. I thought it was Singing in the Rain. No, it's Hello, Dolly!

Is it really? It is, yeah. Did he have more than one movie that he enjoyed? No, I believe that was... We'll have the answer for you next week. This has turned into a movie trivia podcast, everybody. It's all trivia that you can absolutely look up or remember, but we will keep you in suspense until next week.

Now, Bert, I feel like we've only talked about me. We talked about my one-woman tour of the female Hamlet, Hurlet. Last week, we talked about... Any other shows coming up? As everyone knows, I finished my Southern Illinois tour. Which was fun when people showed up. It was fun when people showed up.

And, you know, I had a couple, I've just been kind of just like putting out feelers, as they say, you know, just to see if maybe there's interest in a Dakota, maybe one of those. You're not particular? I'm not particular. Nor herself, doesn't matter? at all nope nope don't discriminate so um how does that happen by the way how do we have what i know when they just decided i know i burnt i couldn't tell you it seems like a different episode but it also happened you know what happened a couple times yes we have virginia we have west virginia now that was a curveball that one of course one and then there's one

west of that. Sure. North, we don't need, we need Carolina and North Carolina or Carolina and South Carolina. And how do you know when and where to draw the line?

How? How? Exactly. I don't know. Why are there, just mash them together. Yeah. But at this point,

doesn't it feel like we're married to the idea of 50 states and because it's a nice round number and so they're never going to add Puerto Rico or Guam or any of these protectorates do you know what I mean probably not it's just always going to stay 50 I think I think that's right I mean listen we can't we've got enough problems we don't need another state doing god knows what boy that's

right you know what I mean now we didn't talk about you at all. So how is work at the Falzmasy? You are, of course, the chief. No, sorry. What's your title? Chief. I'm the pharmacist in chief. Pharmacist in chief. Falzmasy is going great guns.

Everything's great there. Great guns. Yeah. That's one of our favorite sayings here in Dignity Falls. Great guns. We have, I can't explain this. We have lines around the block for prescriptions. Wow.

Yes. I mean, part of me is concerned but also a lot of these prescriptions for things that are very mild okay but people just like hanging out there okay well yeah because i mean there's many things to do there's um we have there's cliff divers of course coming off of the that's right is this how many stories high uh it's the tallest pharmacy in the country five stories i can't remember. Yeah. There's also a dry bar in there. You can get stamps. You can... Shooting gallery.

Yeah. But explain where Great Guns comes from. There's not a slide. There was some debate about that. Oh, okay. But they felt like if it starts at the top, you would gather so much momentum. You'd be hitting the bottom of that slide with such speed that it was a danger to absolutely everyone.

I'll tell you the reason why Doug is asking you that. It has to do with where he is today. So as you know, Doug forwards in a different room every episode in our house. He is in, he's basically, well, what he's doing is he's searching a space so that he can carve out basically what's going to be a bounce house into a slide that goes all the way down to the bottom. He's always wanted, wait, okay. I'm having a hard time reconciling all of these ideas.

Okay, so let's go back to the very beginning. He's searching for a space. Let me start by this. He's always thought it would be so much fun to like have a slide that in your home you can go all the way from the top to the bottom i think there's probably some movie where a kid did that was able to like slide right to breakfast maybe the toy sounds it sounds like it and so that but thoughtful i was just thinking when we're gonna update on the toy i actually think it's like know we are, because actually I think it's a much darker movie than people remember.

Really sad, actually. Because like Richard Pryor, it's very, it's dark. So that's my memory. But anyhow. So what I mean is looking for space, he wants to look at where to start the slide. Okay.

And then he has to figure out where to finish it. But then he figured he might as well do sort of like a bouncy, like a bounce house so that you can bounce right into the slide. You bounce into the slide? That's what he wanted. Babe, you explain it.

It's not my idea. I would think the bounce would be good at the end. I think it's like having a play space and then when you're done, you slide down. Maybe it's like that. Is it like that, babe? A play space? Yeah. Is that really that hard to figure out, Doug?

I think the whole house is a play space. Well, that's for sure. space? Yeah. Is that really that hard to figure out, Doug? I think the whole house is a play space. Well, that's for sure. It's become his play space. We've built so many rooms now. The world is your play space. It's getting out of control. The world? No, I think a good bouncy surface into the slide gives you

a lot of momentum. Momentum. You're going to need momentum because there's a long plateau in the slide. You're talking about bouncing. Which you're going to need momentum because there's a long plateau in the slide. So you're talking about bouncing. I keep getting stuck in it. You bounce. So the slide has been constructed. News to me.

I'm figuring out new routes for it. I couldn't see. Is it internal? Because I couldn't see it from the outside. It's completely internal. It's throughout the walls. Okay. Yeah. It's completely internal. It's throughout the walls. It's like that snake in Harry Potter.

Nope. No one? Anybody? That snake in Harry Potter. There was a snake in the walls in one of the Harry Potter books. I mean, I don't appreciate you looking at me like Harry Potter is the most random thing to say. Everybody knows what Harry Potter is. Look, Joan, I recently learned about Harry Potter. I understand what it is.

Just recently? He's a little Merlin and he has his little friends and there's a man with a stocking over his face or something and you're not allowed to address him by name. Oh, wow. You really don't. You haven't learned as much as you need to. I get the

CliffsNotes, I suppose. Do you think they exist for Harry Potter? Are CliffsNotes for Harry Potter? I bet you they do, actually. And so, okay, why is there a snake in the walls? Is it a magic snake? It's a snake that's talking to Harry

because Harry is a parcel tongue, which means you can speak to snakes. Okay, and parcel is a package. You would think that, but this is spelled P-A-R-S-E-L, which doesn't really mean anything. It's just in the book, it means you can speak to snakes. And presumably they can speak to you and you can understand them. And then you can say, hey, where's my package?

And tongue means tongue. Thanks, Doug. Thanks, Doug. I was just checking. No, no, I put that together through context clues, but I do appreciate you making sure that everything is ship shape. Anyways, it's probably best to not dwell on it because, you know,

it's written by a transphobic author anyway. So let's just go on. You were at the Falzmasy. You have lines out the door for all the prescriptions. Yeah, I have all the information I need about the slide. Yeah, so the Falzmasy is doing great. We're hiring a lot of new people for all the different, you know, doing great we're we're hiring a lot of new people uh for all the

different um you know activities that we're offering there now oh i'm gonna call us such as burnt sorry such as i'm happy to i'm happy to respond to a such as cool um as i said we have the shooting gallery now which is great okay old-fashioned shooting gallery of those yeah we got a guy named ben who's behind the uh the counter He's got the straw hat, the boater, you know, and he's got the arm guarders and all that stuff. And the kids go up with the air rifles and they shoot the ducks and it's great. So fun. Did they ever shoot Ben?

He says he's behind the counter. It's air rifle? No, it's an air rifle and if you just shoot little pellets and if you saw Ben, you would know that no kid would. I'm surprised that it's as popular as it is because Ben is a very scary character. Oh, yeah. He has the hugest scar across,

going the length of his, diagonally across his face. Good Lord. Yeah, and he's got bulging eyes. Oh, and that's who they hired to run this. Well, he's very sweet. He's very friendly. Definitely don't want to judge.

And he's got a great pitch, you know, carnival barker kind of pitch. Oh, nice. So you hear the voice. You say, I got to follow whatever's going on over there. And then you see him and you're like, oh my god. I hope the nice guy comes back. And then you hear him speak and you're like, oh, it's him. Okay. Okay. So there's that. And what else do you have?

We have, you can sew your own parachute. That seems risky. They were trying to come up with a variation on Color Me Mine. That seems like it takes so much space. How do they get from Color Me Mine to Sew Your Own Parachute? They just, I don't know.

I guess they just thought, nobody else is doing this. Let's do it. That's true. I can't argue there. I saw recently that the singer Rihanna was at a Color Me Mind, which seems like the most incongruous thing I can imagine. You never know. But she has children. Anyone who has children ends up at Color Me Mind.

It doesn't matter who you are. Is that true? I don't care if you're Rihanna or not. Wow. Yeah, you got to do shit with kids. The Queen of England? You know what I'm saying? Well, no, because someone else raises the children for her in that case.

Of course. Isn't that sad? She never got to go to a Color Me Mine. I'm sure that was a big regret. This is a question that's on my mind. Oh, that was a C-O-L-O-U-R me mind. Oh, yes. And then me, of course, is sort of cockney.

Color me mine. My coal mine. Oh, God. What? Yeah. She owns the mine. Color me mine. My coal mine. What? Yeah. She owns the mine. Color me mine. I can't do accents. Oh boy.

You want me to do... Oh, burnt. How would it sound if somebody... Too early to do accents. If an Eliza Doolittle... It's too early in the day. We are recording at 5 a.m. Because Joan has a hard out of 8.

I do. I have a Zoom about a theater in Fargo. North Dakota. Fingers crossed, yes. Right? I think so. Again, I don't care. So it doesn't matter.

I just know it's Fargo. You just need it to be a Dakota. Well, it's the biggest city that I would have played in, you know, because people have actually heard of it. That's right. Unlike the three cities in Southern Illinois. Yeah, Stoplight, Bush League, and Smithsonian. Bush League is just a really, what a terrible name for a town.

So sad. Why, how did they? They never had a chance. Oh, boy. They're just self-defeating. Self-fulfilling prophecy, if you ask me. For sure. So, yeah, I'm excited about fargo i gotta get out

for that zoom but okay what did you want you wanted how far ago i'm sorry i'm so sorry so i have that zoom meeting that's why we're recording so early it's early i don't normally do accents so early but what does he want me to do you want me to say color me mine like look you don't have to do anything exactly there we mine. Exactly. There we go. See, no, it's off. It's not, I don't, I'm not in it right now. I don't have it dialed in. Color me mine. Uh-oh, this is like Santa. Color me mine.

Bert has a difficult thing where... Color me mine. No, I think you're getting further away from English. Am I really? From English. Color me mine. Eventually, you're going to start sounding like Santa, and we will have hit it. Merry Christmas. Oh, confuse the children so much. That year that he played it.

But anyways, I told you it was too early for that. I think what we should do is we should take a break. I'm going to do a little warm up in case I have to do any more accents. Okay. It's that sprune fever I've got. I'm telling you right now. I hate sprune so much. I hate it too.

It's my least favorite season. Mine too. And you know, you're lucky if you're a listener and you don't live here, you're really lucky you don't have to deal with it. Good for you. I hear people in California complain about June gloom. I'm like, oh, because there's fog. There's not tiny bits of pollen

that are trying to eat your insides coming into your nose. That's what we have to deal with. You don't have poisonous, carnivorous plants that sprout up everywhere. And by the way, they're gorgeous. All you want to do... The beauty of these flowers.

They're beautiful. All you want to do is touch them. You want to smell them, you want to pick them, put them in a vase. Yep. But you can't because you'll be drawn away.

Smell them, pick them, put them in a vase. What did you say? Smell them, pick them, put them in a vase. That's possum petunias, of course. Oh, yes.

Which is the biggest florist in town. Possum petunias and pans. Yes. There's several in a row and not all of these stores that sell three things sell all of those things. Yes. That's the in a row and not all of these stores that sell three things sell all of those things.

Yes. That's the fun of it. That's right. They sell flower pots and cooking pots. Flowers. And two pans. They have two kinds of pans.

Just two. I thought you said possum petunias. I did too. I did too. Really? Yes, but then and then when you said

Speaking of Eliza Doolittle, I think I need Henry Higgins to come in and tell me how to enunciate. Pots, petunias, and pans. Oh, gosh. I mean, one of those roots. How old? What?

The diggity accents are really getting us today. Oh, I know. I was just thinking about the age difference between those roles. Anyway, I can't get into it. Is it always supposed to be that vast? Yes.

It's written in there. This old creepy man and then this very young woman. And then they fall in love. Yeah. That doesn't have to happen. It doesn't. It really doesn't. But it does.

It shouldn't. I saw this play recently. It was a musical. You know, Gabby and I took a trip to New York. Oh, that's lovely. And we saw this play. And, you know, it's a musical that was not well received when it first came out. And then in later years, it was, you know, sort of revived and people like, oh, this is actually good.

Yes. Has this one song in it that's so dated. And they could not, I guess they couldn't move it out of that time frame because this song is about the Kennedy family and they thought this 15 minute song about this ancient political dynasty must remain. Must remain.

Because there's diehard fans in that world okay and they would get angry about it. People would enjoy any kind of movie. I'm just telling you that Broadway fans are really specific. I'm sure, besides adventure fans. All right, Bert. Well, you seem to always have an answer for everything I say this morning. Joan.

Joan, I'm not, I swear I'm not trying to be combative. I apologize. It's fine. It's just, I think we should take a break and go to our guest. All right. Because I don't want to keep them waiting anymore. Okay. Yeah.

I think it's really because you just want to take a break. I do. That too. All right. We're it's really because you just want to take a break. I do. That too. We're going to blow our noses and we'll be back when the neighborhood listen returns. Hey everybody, this is Tony. I got an Adidas Campus Neon Size, size 12 owned by Reggie Bush slash Kim Kardashian.

If you can see, I have changed the price of $100. I've put a line through that and then put $100. Get off my back about it. I'm not going to explain. I am selling a paid... God damn it, that should say pair. I got such big thumbs. a paid god damn it that should say pair i got such big thumbs i am selling a paid of adidas campus shoes that were previously owned by reggie bush and sold to me through action from kim kardashian i'm not going to explain that sentence any further this occurred in 2008 while they were dating and kim was more active on ebay selling personal items from kim's closet included in the sales the original paypal receipt showing the original transaction and listing title, as well as the receipt from the auction house. The shoes have been worn a few times, but not in the past 10 years or so. They could use a good cleaning,

which I will let the next owner do. What do you think? I got time for that? Additionally, you may notice a signature on both tongues. At the same time, I'm talking about tongues of the shoes, okay? Get your mind out of the gutter. At the time, I reached back out to Kim's closet, was told that the signature is that of the shoes designer. I don't have the communication anymore. I have been unable to verify that. Get off my back about it. I have also not been able to get any information from Adidas on these shoes or their customization. So get off my back. I'm not a collector and they have sat in my closet long enough that it's time to move them along. So feel free to reach out with questions. I will do my best to answer them, but stay all the way off my back. And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen.

And guess what? We have a guest. We do. Right here with us as we always do. What we do is we scour the NeighborHap, the neighborhood social media application. And we have people come on the show who have posted or have been posted about. And this week is no different.

If you would like to send us a post, our two listeners have two separate people sent us this one. Really? Yes. Oh, wow. This was submitted by Tim Cousins and Maureen Johnson. Okay. I don't know if they know each other. Meet cute, maybe? Wouldn't that be

wonderful if they fell in love? Because, you know, that spoke to them, you know, because of their particular brand of whatever they find interesting. That's right. And that could mean something even bigger. It would be so wonderful if they fell in love. Obviously terrible if one or both of them were married already.

So this is if you would like to send us one like these two potential lovers have, then you can write to us at burntandjone at gmail.com Just screenshot the post and send it to us. Like Tim Cousins and Maureen Johnson have done. This post

that captured their attention is Quacking Man. This is in the general section. Quacking Man is the headline here. This is from Martha. Martha writes, I was bemused while walking along the other day to Juniper and Pierce.

Walking along the other day to Juniper and Pierce. I mean, it sounds like, yeah, walking to like, that sounds like a band that they were listening to. But that's how I heard it. Exactly. Go on. That's a good name for a band. Yeah.

When a nondescript middle-aged guy dressed in shorts and sports shirt, sports shirt, walked by and quacked like a duck. Was this a signal of some kind? Was this a comment on my attire? I was wearing a long sleeveless cotton black dress and platform sandals. Was this rude or admiring? Who knows?

Just another crazy moment in our fair city. Well, she's got that right. That's true. And here with us to discuss the quacking man is, did I say Martha? Martha, yes. Hi, yes hi martha welcome to the neighborhood listen thank you so much for having me so martha this man quacked at you yes and can you did he say the word quack or did he just make a noise good question thank you honestly it was as

much in between as you could be meaning meaning the way sometimes when you hiccup, you say the word hiccup. Oh, yes. I never even thought about that. Sometimes you just, but sometimes you kind of hear the, yes. This was more, you know, okay, let's talk it out. A duck can say, right. Yes. And a person can say quack.

Yes. But this man said quack. Oh. This puts me in mind of Burgess Meredith as the penguin. Oh, yes. In the 1960s Batman. It puts me in mind of that as well. Quack, quack, quack. Oh, my goodness. Now, can I ask what the...

I don't know if you mentioned the age... Your guess of the age estimate of this man. My guess is early 50s. That's what I was picturing too. That's so weird. But you haven't met him? Oh no, I haven't. You don't know his name? Oh, I don't. Oh, are you... Is this a misconnection? Yeah. Are you actually

thinking about this person a lot? Did you like this kind of attention? No, no, no. I'm married. I'm a married woman with three children of my own. Oh, really? I certainly haven't been thinking about it. What is your spouse's name and what are your children's names? Oh, yes, of course.

It's a common question we ask on the podcast. Absolutely. My husband is named Samantha. Oh, okay. We call him Sam. He was named after his mother. Oh, that's very sweet. Oh, that's lovely.

My children, I have three. Yes, as you said. I have three. As I said. And we're going to hear all three names. Here we go. Gus. Aw.

I like that. Russ. Oh. And. Please don't say bus. It's not bus. Bus. It's Chihuahua.

Wow. You're kidding. Chihuahua. And I wish I didn't do that. What? Why? Why did you? did you named after us what a regret to have but you know named after my childhood dog sure whose name was chihuahua no

it was a chihuahua his name was green bean oh well i guess that child could have ended up being green bean which maybe would have been a little trickier. Trickier. Do you call, do you have a nickname? Chewy. Okay. That's kind of cute. Gus, Russ, and Chewy. Gus, Russ, and Chewy. Are they, what are their ages? We have a, we have a, we have a,

we have, we have 12, 10, and 8. Oh, 12, 10, and 8. All right. So they're grown. You sure did. They're grown, you say. Well, what I 10, and 8. All right. So they're grown. You sure did. They're grown, you say. Well, what I mean is I didn't know if we were talking about like a baby and a toddler. Thank you for thinking that. Oh, of course.

You don't. Oh, my goodness. You look like a very young mom. Thank you. Not a day over old mom. Not a day over a normal mom. Did you marry young to Samantha? I, well, we call him Sam.

That's right. Apologies. That's okay. I just want to make sure that you know well, we call him Sam. That's right. Apologies. That's okay. Just want to make sure that, you know, we don't call him Samantha. Okay. Yeah. And, and, and therefore we should not either. We should, we should.

That's a good point. I'll say Samantha when I'm angry. Oh, of course. But I try not to be angry. Do you use his middle name as well? Janice. Doesn't flow. It doesn't flow.

Samantha Janice. No, I don't. I don't. Yeah. I can't say that. I do. Samantha Janice. No, it doesn't sound. You're right. Samantha Janice. No, I don't. I don't. Yeah, yeah. I can't say that. I do. Samantha Janice. No, it doesn't sound right.

You're trying it out. Yeah. Yeah. See how it feels. No. Samantha, that I say. Yeah. Yes.

I can hear that. I can hear the anger. How does he address you if he's angry? Mart. Oh. Just kind of cuts the- Mart. Mart.

Mart. Yeah. Because my name, of course, is Martha. Yeah. Of course. But to take the H-A off of Martha is just Mart. It's very Kurt. Yeah. Because my name, of course, is Martha. Yeah. Of course. But to take the H-A off of Martha is just Mart. It's very Kurt. Yeah, it's Kurt. It is. That's what it is. Mart.

Samantha. Do you feel? Uh-huh. We married young. We've known each other since... We're not cousins. Okay. All right. We're not cousins. Did you All right. We're not cousins.

Did you, okay, I did it. So she just brought it up out of the blue. Nope. Okay. Nope. We're not cousins,

but I call his father uncle and he calls my father uncle. Our fathers were best friends. Does that make sense? Okay. Okay. Okay. So there's some confusion, of course,

growing up people. Sure. Once we started dating, people thought we were cousins. We're not blood related. I understand. I understand some confusion, of course, growing up. People, once we started dating, people thought we were cousins. We're not blood related. Okay, I understand. I understand. We called each other cousin growing up.

Oh boy, that is confusing. Like on my favorite sitcom, The Bear. Cousin. So funny. Cousin, that's right. Oh, so funny. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it. You're smiling ear to ear right now. Oh, you really are.

So funny. I've not seen you smile like this before. i've not seen you smile like this before i've not seen you smile like this before so we're not you so we're not cousins you see where you're not each other since infancy wow so oh so you are so basically the same age same age oh that's lovely i guess okay no i. No, I love Samantha. Sam. Yeah. I love Sam. Okay. I love Sam. You love Sam.

You're upset with Samantha. Samantha's the only one you're upset. I get it. Believe me, I get it. So the quacking man, this is somebody you've never... Oh, well, I just, you know, I have kids too and I'll use their full names. And Doug, I'll say Douglas sometimes. Yeah, that's my husband.

He's in a different room right now recording. How are you doing, babe? I'm doing great. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I hear him. Yeah. Hello, Doug. He's in a different room right now recording. How are you doing, babe? I'm doing great. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I hear him. Yeah. Hello, Doug.

He's building a slide in our house. It's a long story. Or maybe he's not. It's not complete. Okay. I'm halfway through. I thought I heard some sliding around, sliding a boot. Yeah.

Oh. Just playing, just playing. Just playing. Someone knew it was accents morning. So you are warmed up we do like when our guests come warmed up that's good

I like to warm up early in the morning and thank you for coming so early yes thank you the sun is almost up trust me I was staring

at the ceiling oh all night oh because of this it's been weighing on me wow

okay we need to get more into this all right we talked about your family and everything, but let's get back to you. Let's go back to Martha. This man who quacks. Had you seen him ever before?

Never before and never since. Okay. Wow. I thought about him a lot. I didn't say that. Oh, Martha, it's okay. It's all right. Sorry, I'm just going to eat one of these chips.

Yeah, have a chip. Have a chip and have a thing. I put out some breakfast chips for okay. It's all right. Sorry, I'm just going to eat one of these chips. Yeah, have a chip and have a thing. I put out some breakfast chips for us. I love breakfast chips. I know, everyone loves my breakfast chips. How do you get eggs so crispy? They are egg chips, fried egg chips. It's the thinnest form of egg you're ever going to see. It really is.

I mean, it's a secret family recipe, but it's, it takes. Oh, I thought it was just because you had a very wide pan. Don't say that about her. That helps. Thank you, Martha. Wait a minute. Yes, thank you. You use this triangle, the triangle shapes. I don't know how you get those.

How I get triangle shapes? Yeah, the eggs. Oh, well. It just cooks. Like a sort of mold that you can put in the pan. Yeah, that's easy. Cookie cutters and many ways to do that, babe. Cookie cutters, of course. Yeah, that's actually one of the easier parts of making them, babe.

Are you in love with the quacken, man? What? How many days ago did this happen? 47. See, I knew it. She knows exactly. She didn't even have to think about it. I don't think it's give or take. I think it's exactly 47. 47 days I knew it. She knows exactly. She didn't even have to think about it. I don't think it's give or take. I think it's exactly 47.

Can we say, is it okay to say you have sort of a crush on the quacking man? I couldn't possibly. Me, a married woman with three children, Gus, Russ, and Chewy? And Chewy? I know. Little Chewy? Let's just say, so that you're more comfortable, let's not say crush.

Let's just say this person's on your mind. On my mind. There's no implication there. The duck is on my mind. The duck man. The duck is on your mind. Did he look anything like a duck? No.

He just looked like a regular old guy. I wouldn't call him regular old. Oh, was he handsome? Oh, okay. Okay. All right. Maybe he should Oh, okay. Okay. All right. Maybe you should have another chip. Okay.

I'd rather chip to cool down. Really cool down. Eggie. Yes. So when you, I want to know, when you were walking, did you first spot this person or did you not even notice this person until they quacked at you? Okay, now that's a great question. I didn't even notice this person because I was walking as maybe you know to Juniper and Pierce. Were you listening to a band called Juniper and Pierce?

Yes. Do you know them? Not familiar. No, I've only recently heard of them. And, but you were, so was it a different intersection or what? Did it happen to be the same intersection? Oh yeah, good question. You're listening to Juniper and Pierce.

Because we do have Juniper and Pierce in Dignity Falls. Yes, we do. Yes. And they almost intersect. They come dangerously close to each other and then they peel off. And it's dangerous. Yes. I know it.

I know it well. Juniper and Pierce. I believe that the band is from Dignity Falls. Oh, that would make sense. So it only makes sense that they... How is Juniper, Pierce, and Young more?

Who is Young in that equation? Sean Young? Sean Young? Steve Young. The great football player and he was in that band with Juniper and Pierce yeah that's

I think they kicked him out but this is an interesting back story so they're an older band okay all right so you were

okay so then that is my fault because I was not remembering that detail so you so you simply did not see this person coming until they quacked

I was singing along with Juniper and Pierce at the top of my lungs. Do you remember what song it was? It was the one about, well, you don't know it, but I'll tell you. No, I don't know. It was the one about the smoothies. Oh, that's cute. It's so cute. It's so cute. How does it go?

It goes a little something like this. Tropical or berry, please. Green, no thanks. It brings me to my knees. I like to drink a smoothie all day. I prefer one the usual way. I'm talking banana. Apple, too. Orange juice and some lemon yogurt. usual way. I'm talking banana, apple too,

orange juice and some lemon yogurt just like the way my mommy used to make it. Not my aunt, but Sam's aunt. Oh, sorry. I went a little... Wait a minute. That got personal. Do you know this band?

Wait, are you in this band? Are you in Juniper and Pierce? I am so sorry. I forgot that that's I tend to do this with songs. Okay. I learn

the lyrics in a way I read. This is so humiliating. You sort of like re-tailor them to a memory of yours. Otherwise I just can't seem to memorize lyrics. Like it's a block. But if I make up a little rhyming couplet

or what have you. That part didn't really rhyme. It doesn't have to rhyme actually now that I say that. It doesn't have to rhyme. A couplet, rhyming or non-rhyming, doesn't matter. Triplet, couplet, quadruplet, whatever. As long as it concerns you and something in your life. But then you're not truly memorizing lyrics

because you are. Yes, because you're memorizing different lyrics. Maybe the two helps you remember the two. And I'm memorizing a feeling. There it is. And isn't that what music is? Oh, absolutely. I agree with you on that. Oh, that's lovely. What's your smoothie order? I gotta know. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's lovely. Okay. What's your smoothie order? I got to know.

I like coconut. Oh, yes. And I asked them to put in a little cumin. Ew. Sorry. Yes. Sorry. Sorry.

Yes. Ooh. Yes. Then I put in a little shot of vanilla extract that I carry in a flask. It's true. He does. And then three radishes. A little shot of vanilla extract that I carry in a flask. It's true. He does. And then three radishes.

Wow. That is wild, Bert. It's delicious. Do you have a name for it? Yeah. The Radisson. The Radisson. Yeah.

Because it was perfected at the Radisson Hotel. Like the Waldorf salad. Yes. Of course. Of course. Of course. Signature. The Marriott burrito. That's right.

Yeah. And the Radisson is interesting because it was created at the exact same time in every Radisson on earth. Oh, my word. Oh, my. That is crazy. Strange phenomenon. I don't know. What did I say?

You said, oh, my Atlanta? Was that from a commercial? I think so. Oh, probably. For my Atlanta, maybe? Yeah, for my Atlanta. Or maybe something else. I wonder if it could be for my Atlanta.

Yeah, maybe for Spalding Sporting Goods? Chili's Restaurant? Could be. Oh, my Atlanta. It's time to go to Chili's. Well, actually, those would go hand in hand, to be honest. Yeah. Why aren't they more up front?

It's a crossover. Joan, what's your smoothie order? Well, you know, I really do love one that's full of protein, especially because you have to watch out as a singer. You know, you can't have any dairy because that'll coat the vocal cords. I'm sort of an amateur singer, Martha. Wow, come on, Joan. I think you're being modest. Maybe.

I'm an amateur singer, too. You heard me. Oh, well, yeah, you were lovely. It was fantastic. Is it sort of similar vibes? Totally similar vibes. Although maybe just a little bit more. I live in the soprano range.

Just a little bit more. And I'm more of a tenor. Yes. I, of course, can only sing one note. He can. That's right. And that's why he can. Barbecue sauce.

Barbecue sauce. Beautiful. That's why he can do that. I want Oh. Barbecue sauce. Beautiful. That's why he can do the, I want my baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. He did. We always find a new one that he can do. I feel like there was a third song where that...

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. That was it. That was it. That's right. Wow. I should do it mentally sometimes. You really should. It'd be so easy.

The piano player's just doing the one chord the whole time. I love strawberry, bananas, peanut butter. That's what, okay. So that was, you know, and that's fine, you know, because it's like you have your own opinions about it and don't feel bad about that. And I don't. Okay.

All right. Don't hold back because I'm going to hear little sounds. Okay, great. And so that's and there's a little bit of granola in that. Oh, okay. Well, I think that's mine. That's mine. We don't need to go on any further. That's my smoothie and it works for me. You know what I mean? Mango peanuts.

Oh, mango peanuts. Is that your stuff? Mango peanuts barbecue. Mango peanuts barbecue. Is this? Is that your stuff? Mango peanuts barbecue. Mango peanuts barbecue. Is this that language that pilots speak? This is the pilot's alphabet. Are you landing a plane right now? Mango peanuts barbecue.

They do run it kind of like that. Clear for takeoff. But then I always get the sleep powder put in, you know, like the sleep boost. Sleep boost? Sleep boost. Sleep boost. Yeah. I could use that these days. I'm staring at the ceiling all night.

Now, Martha, you keep talking about this, and we know a few things. We know you've never seen this man before. And I didn't marry my cousin. And we know that. No, we know that. Okay. And we know you regret Chihuahua as a date for your child. Yes.

And we know that. No, we know that. Okay. And we know you regret Chihuahua as a name for your child. Yes. We know that your smoothie order is the same one as in the song by Juniper and Pierce. To a certain point. To a certain point.

And then the lyrics diverge. And then it becomes autobiographical, like a memoir of sorts. That's right. Yeah. So I guess I feel like we're dancing around. Oh, I should have said, oh, this song by Juniper and Pierce is actually called Lost Love. Oh, it's not even called Smoothies. No. Oh, that makes sense.

Okay. It's a very tropical song. You know what? I would know. I sort of rewrote the tune as well. Oh, so this is nothing. Oh. Truly, this was just a made up song.

Well, but I love the band. Not to you. Yes. Oh, okay. I simply love the band. I would love to hear an actual song by Junipero and Pierce. I'm so curious. I don't know if it's possible.

Probably not. No, I feel like we're just dancing around the topic. Quack. Sorry. No. Sorry. So sorry. Wow.

Wow. Wow. No, don't be sorry for quacking. You can quack here. On this podcast, it's like one of those signs. Oh, yeah. At this house, we salute the American flag. And we quack.

We question science. Oh, yes, of course. In this house, yes. We order smoothies and we quack. Yes. Quack proudly. So don't worry. But I feel like I don't know how to get further to talk about this because it seems like you are.

Should we take a shot? Oh, I mean, it is only six in the morning. Yeah, but we could just to loosen up a bit. Okay. Vanilla extract. Oh, sure. Let's do a shot of a little vanilla extract.

One for you. Oh, I want some so bad. Where are you? It's not done yet. I'm in the middle of the wall. Well, I'll have extra for you. One for you. All right. There you go. Oh, I want some. I'm so bad. Here we go. Where are you? Come down the slide. Come down the slide. That's not done yet. I'm in the middle of the wall. Well, I'll have extra for you. Oh, just like that snake from Harry Potter. Oh, a basilisk.

Hmm. I remembered that's the word. That's the word. Cheers? Yeah. Cheers, pros. Whatever you want. Here's to the quacking man.

Okay. And quack on three. One, two, three. Quack. Look each other in the eyes. Oh. Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes. So we got to do it again. Okay.

All right, let's do it again. Oh, I'm going to get turned up. All right. And I'm looking at you. And I'm looking at you. Looking at you. You. Yes.

Cheers. And quack. Did you touch the table? Oh. No, that's not required. That's a house one. We're not going to make her do that one. Why do people... What is that supposed to be?

It's for luck? I don't know. There are so many things that were superstitious for really no reason. They toast and then they have to hit the bottom of the glass on the table. Like a hat on the bed. Do you know where that came from? Drugstore cowboy. No.

No, it came from people being filthy. Correct. With like lice. Now I think a friend of mine. My boys had lice. Wait, what? Besides the point, but my boys have all had lice. Oh, your boys. Oh, well, gosh.

My twins. Boys gonna have lice. They sought it out. No, my twins, Matt and, oh, she forgot his name. Charcuterie. Charcuterie. That's right. Matt and Charcuterie, they would hear about a lice breakout at a school.

It doesn't even matter what school. They would just go there. Oh. They would just go there. Rub their head. Correct. Oh, they were nightmares. There was one that was written

into Hogwarts apparently in an early draft. There was one what? A lice outbreak. A lice outbreak. Everybody had to go back home. Feels like they could have done some magic.

You would think. Or at least you would think that. You would think. Wait, what was that? You had a friend. That's why it didn't survive. You would think. You would think that. You would think. You had a friend. That's why it didn't survive. You were going to say you had a friend. I had a friend who is not a superstitious person,

but after seeing the movie Drugstore Cowboy, where there is much made of a hat on a bed, he became superstitious about a hat on a bed. And then finally, after decades of having the superstition, and really it sort of got in the way a lot of times. He was like packing for a trip or something. Then he looked it up. Why is that a superstition?

Yes. And then he ceased being superstitious about it. Right, because there's nothing to it. Yeah, it's just about when people were disgusting. Can I ask you a question? Yes, please. Is this friend you? No. You know what, Martha?

So many times when he tells a story about a friend on this podcast, I think it's him. And do you ever confront him? Not that, like you just did. I know. Which was really ballsy, I have to say. Oh, for sure it's Taylor. I'm going to put my headphones on here.

I can't hear what's going on. Oh, nothing. Smoothie, smoothie, love. Now that one. I think we fooled him. Okay. So now here, I want to help you out because I feel like we're skirting around this topic.

And now you just quacked. So I want to ask you, first of all, have you ever had previously anything for, don't worry yet, haven't even said anything. Everything's fine. Do you collect ducks? Are you into ducks? Were you ever into anything like that? Do you collect ducks? I don't. Some people do. Sure. I don't collect ducks. I don't. I don't.

I like ducks. Okay. I do think they can be a little violent with each other. Sure. I don't think duck sex is terrifying. It's terrifying. They have corkscrew penises.

Yeah. Horrifying. So many creatures have corkscrew penises. Really? God's greatest joke. Oh, I think pigs do too. Oh, no.

And you know the cats are barbed. Barbed. What is wrong with nature? Yes, why is it? And you know, pandas are almost extinct because their sex is extremely painful. That's why there's not more pandas. They have painful? Yes.

For both of them? No, it's probably just for the lady penguins. Say that. Penguins. Well, black and white, you see. I would imagine if a panda tried to have sex with a penguin, For both of them? No, it's probably just for the lady penguins. Say that. Penguins. Penguins. How do they get involved? Well, black and white, you see. I would imagine if a panda tried to have sex with a penguin, there would be some pain. Wait, did someone just say penguin? You did.

Oh. That's where you heard it. It was right outside your own mouth. Well, you know what? It was like with the song. I just put it in a word that made sense to me. Did you say pandas? And I heard penguins?

Yes. That's terrifying to me. They're also black and white. Black and white. I know, but that scares me. Did you say pandas and I heard penguins? Yes. That's terrifying to me. They're also black and white. Black and white. I know, but that scares me. I truly thought you said penguin. I'm going to have to go back

and listen to that to see where I got that from. Penguin was one of the first words I learned how to spell as a child. It is? Oh my goodness. That's very impressive.

P-E-N-G-U-I-N-S P-E-N-G-U-I-N-S P-E-N-G-U-I-N-S. P-E-N-G-U-I-N-S. Oh, it's a cheer. P-E-N-G-U-I-N-S. Penguins. Oh, penguins. Were you cheering? And then I think there was a... Oh.

It's all coming back to me now. Okay. What's coming back to you? When you say it like that? I'm realizing that Samantha... Sorry, Sam was on a swim team when he was a little boy. And I would go to every meet because, of course, we were cousins. Not cousins.

Yeah, we understand. And they had a cheer before every swim game. Yes, swim meet. Thank you. Just said it. Yeah. P-E-N-G-Y-S, P-E-N-G-Y-S, P-E-N-G-Y-S. Go Penguins.

Wah, wah, wah, wah. It's just there's something very familiar. P-N-G-Y-N-S-P-N-G-S-P-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N-G-Y-N- coming out of her that I want to know more but then it almost seems like this is something I'm not supposed to go near. Do you feel like it's a lot of sounds or just quacks? No, no. There's been some hoes. See? Joad, you're right. When you're right, you're right. Absolutely. I'm an observer of the human condition.

I observe sounds. Then you're a pharmacist. Yes. So I don't observe human conditions. No no you just medicate yes yes that job's been done by the time they get to me

what a joy yeah what a lovely job anyway I also have face blindness oh he does yeah sometimes

we've only talked about that no we haven't at all never mentioned it before and you're gonna laugh because you know who did have face blindness one of our guests

Sybil Sybil had face blindness and why didn't I talk about it then do you think but you have face blindness? One of our guests, Sybil. Sybil had face blindness. And why did I talk about it then, do you think? No, because Sybil brought it up. Well, I wasn't trying to hide it. But have you two discussed it before? No, because you never had a problem recognizing me. And if you have, then you

have definitely just not told me. You faked it pretty good. Yeah, I have mnemonic devices that I use so I can remember who people are. You described Ben's face very well. Ben? Yeah, at the pharmacy. Ben Chrysler? Oh.

That's from a previous episode, babe. Ben with the scar and the bulging eyes. Oh. Oh, well, that was not hard to do. His face is not hard to remember. Maybe that is why you introduce us right off the bat every time, especially me,

so that you can remind yourself who I am. That could be why. Well, Joan, of course I know who you are. I don't wander into your home and say, who's this lady? Now, Burnt and Joan... You're not like my sons. That's what they do. Oh, those twins. Those licey twins.

Now, is this... Have you... I know Doug's out of the room right now, but... Oh. He's listening, though. He's always in the room. I'm going to just mouth it okay oh martha no no okay no i just didn't feel like you guys ever no this is never happened okay no Doug has just come down on the slide It's operational Now we know

It's working now Yes Doug welcome Who's minding the recording while you're down here It's working now. At least to this floor. Yes. Doug, welcome. Hi, babe. Oh, wow. Now, who's minding the recording while you're down here? Who's minding the recording? How are you going to get?

Oh, there you go. This is Doug. This is my husband. That was really good. Better than I could do at this hour. Is that a reference to something? Well, I mentioned accents, and she said a boot, and so she so she was you know I think she's got she said she's warmed up

that seems like a million years ago I just I was staring at the ceiling all night you see yes yes about that and first of all let me be very clear

no Doug and I great relationship Doug and you we're married I see what you're saying yes okay I thought you were mixing up

your husband and your co-star no you don't I I think that you might be projecting onto us a couple of things that are maybe going on with yourself. That's just a case of projection. There go those sounds again.

And these noises that you're making sound like... There go those sounds again. Oh. They sound like anxious noises. And quacking. And of course you punctuate it with a quack. So when you talk about staring at the ceiling, do you normally sleep well?

Oh, absolutely. I'm a great sleeper. Eight to eight every night. You don't need a boost? A smoothie boost? No. Not usually. When did this start? When did this start? I would say something a little more than 40 days ago. Okay.

So you saw the man 47 days ago. Before Sproon. Just before Sproon. Sproon is kicking my ass. Oh, thank you. Me too. It's the worst. Look at my hands. Only nine fingers. Oh, no. No. No, you tried. Me too. It's the worst. Look at my hands. Only nine fingers. Oh, no. No.

No, you tried to pick one. And put it in a vase. It's hard to resist. I know. It really is. It is worth it. The beauty. They are so gorgeous.

What are we on this earth for if not the beauty? Well, and that's a good question. So would you say that you and Sam have a really great relationship? Like cousins, but you understand not cousins. Do you feel that you are more friends? Is there not? I mean, I'm getting a little personal here, but I don't know what else to do. You've been together for such a long time.

You're practically cousins. Let me ask this. Let me ask this. Did you ever date anybody else? Oh, certainly not. Okay. Okay. Well, I wouldn't have thought that we had certainly.

When did you start dating? Well, we were allowed to start dating when we hit the double digits. Oh my goodness. So 10? Oh no. He was my boyfriend, my betrothed. Betrothed? When we hit double

digits. What were some of your typical 10-year-old dates? Well, we played a lot of board games. Sure. We jumped in the river. Oh, sure. The Dignity Falls River. Oh, yeah.

I mean, again- Or do you call it a river? Well, now it's more dried up because we've basically lost all our bodies of water. But of course, when I was a child- They still call it the river. It's where the. But of course, we still call it the river. It's where the river used to be. Down by the river.

Is this a Juniper and Pierce or an original? Sorry, that was Bruce Springsteen. Just one of the only lyrics. Sorry, that just sticks with me. That sounded like their cover, though. Juniper. They did a cover of it? Yeah, we did a great cover.

Oh, nice. It's a great cover. So here's the deal. So this, you have not been with another person. Oh, certainly not. This person is more like you're saying, a family member, a friend. Yes. Would you ever describe your relationship as one of passion?

Oh, certainly not. Okay. Even when you had the three kids? Well, we had the three kids 12, 10, and 8 years ago. Yep. That's a while ago. Yeah. They're, as you said, grown.

And forgive the impertinence of this question, but conceive naturally? It's a little impertinent. Well, that's why I asked for forgiveness. Yes. Okay. Do you forgive him? I forgive you. And yes, they were received.

They were received. They were received. They were received and conceived naturally. Okay. But our natural is a little different than most people's natural. Well, say more. So it's not penetrative sex? Pert. Well, say more. So it's not penetrative sex? Pert.

That's pertinent. We haven't. Sorry, I feel so weird just standing here. But I don't have any way to get back up. It's nice to meet you. Yeah, you can't crawl back up the slide. That's what you need to do. Maybe you need to find a way to get back up.

You need a dumb waiter way to get back up. Dumb waiter, that's what. Yes. Dumb waiter. Yes, he did say dumb waiter. He did say dumb waiter. Dumb waiter, that's what. Yes. Dumb waiter. Yes, he did say dumb waiter. He did say dumb waiter. Like in Haunting of Hill House. You go down to the basement, the bootlegger's

basement, the zombie comes out. It's terrible. So wait a minute. What do you mean you do it differently? Well, we don't have penetrative sex. Like never? Like ever? Like at all? Not yet. Okay. Never say never. Life is long. Oh, like never? Like ever. Well, not yet. Ooh.

Okay. Never say never. Life is long. Yeah, hope springs eternal. That's right. Dreams don't have deadlines. We do more of a... Dreams don't have deadlines. Dreams don't have deadlines.

I thought you said dreams don't have deadlines. No, I said panda. Oh. Joan. Joan. Just kidding. Oh, she's kidding.

I'm just really hacked about not hearing panda and hearing penguins instead. Don't worry your pretty little head. You hear black and white. Just kidding. Oh, I'm just really, I'm really hacked about not hearing panda and hearing penguins instead. Don't, don't wear your pretty little head. You hear black and white. Thank you. What? You hear in black and white.

I hear in black and white. The panda and the penguin connection. We do more of a... And if you, if you said Dalmatian, I would be concerned. Okay. I do feel like penguins and pandas are as close as can be without one being...

Going over. None of this is as interesting as her saying, we do more of a and me not knowing what the finishing sentence is. So we need to get back to that. So non-penetrative. I will explain it. Yes. Thank you.

We discovered this method quite early. Okay. We call it the cookie sheet. Cookie sheet. Okay. Interesting. Cookie sheet. I'm going to start making sounds now. Okay. Interesting. Cookie sheet. I'm going to start

making sounds now. Okay. Go on. He sort of, how do I say, I can't look at you when I say this. Oh, okay.

Look away. Does his biz, does his biz. I see. He sort of does his biz on a bit of a cookie sheet. A bit of a cookie sheet. A bit of a cookie sheet. Do you mean something that's of a cookie sheet. A bit of a cookie sheet. A bit of a cookie sheet.

Do you mean something that's almost a cookie sheet or it is a cookie sheet and he just does it on a bit of that cookie sheet? It's a cookie sheet that he inherited from his grandmother when she died. My grandmother. I didn't realize it was an heirloom. My grandmother.

I feel like that's a detail I did not want to know. Not your actual grandmother. I called her grandma. Okay, so he inherited this beautiful old rusty. Oh dear. And I hope it was not used for the same thing. Cookie sheet. He was on the cookie sheet.

Right. And then we've developed a sort of a system where I, then he leaves the room. Okay. I, in a skirt or a, in a cotton sundress. usually okay we'll sort of do uh no matter what the season yeah prune or ever spruin or otherwise spruin prune or otherwise okay sorry the vanilla's going to my head it's okay and i do a deep squat. Oh, my.

A deep squat while breathing out? Oh, my. And then once I hit the pan, I breathe in. That's where it is. A bit of a suck in. Oh, wow. And that's how we conceived naturally. And that's how you conceived. And this seemed to be the easiest way to do this.

It was the only way either of us wanted to do it. Oh, okay. That's fair. It was your idea. Because we went to school. We know how this works. Yeah, of way either of us wanted to do it. Oh, okay. It was your idea. We went to school. We know how this works. Yeah, of course. Do you? You do. I'm just asking. We know how it works. We've seen the slides.

Okay, the slides. On the overhead projector. Right. The books. The pages. Yes. The pictures. The binding. The whole enchilada. The copyright page. Dedication. Bib binding. The binding. The whole enchilada. The copyright page. The dedication. The bibliography.

Okay. And we said, for us, we said, we looked at each other in the eye and we said, cousin. Oh. Well. Yeah. I know you're not cousins. But we call each other cousins. Of course you do.

We said, I think this way. And we pointed to the book we're pointing to the book now we said ain't gonna work for us okay and you said it like that and you said at the same time choice you said it like old um prospectors ain't gonna work for us it's almost like how a duck would say oh oh you know what oh no here she goes again okay all right all right hold down hold down you're getting very flushed okay so may i also ask oh yes was this process only done three times and then other than that there has been no physical kind of contact oh we high five okay hug occasionally with the boys we do what we call the bear the bear family hug oh what's that everybody climbs

on each other and squeezes tight. That's lovely. It's wonderful. We do it every Sunday, every Sunday morning. When you say everybody climbs on each other, what does that mean exactly? Well, we sit on the bench outside the house. Right. That my grandfather carved.

Who is actually, of course, Sam's grandfather, but I call him grandfather. Is it a joggling board? A what? Go ahead. A joggling board. I do not know what that is. I can picture it. This is something in the south, and it's a sort of bouncy sort of bench. Okay. And the idea is We joggle. You end up getting closer to each other and then you might smooch. Oh!

What? That seems to be bringing something up in you. It's just the idea of smooching. Do you not even kiss your husband? Oh, we've kissed hands. The tops of hands. The tops of hands. Tens of times.

Wow. Not even that much. Not even a lot. For knowing each other since birth. Infancy. Oh, boy. I don't know. Martha, you know, it's just wild i don't i do

have you trapped say you have you're not upsetting me i'm just feeling like somehow you're having an awakening just now because a man quacked at you wait who did that that was my it was you well i i didn't even know where it was coming from. I knew all the previous ones were her. She's been consistently doing it. I know that. I heard it. That one sounded like not human, though. That sounded like an actual duck.

Oh. You're getting better at it. Oh, now wait a minute. That was you. Or was that a ghost? Oh, boy. No, it's not a ghost. We have no time for this.

I know. I know. We don't have time for this. You don't think this man was a ghost? Oh. No. You don't think this man was a ghost. Oh, no. So let's break this down. Young you is at a swim meet and you hear this chant. And for some reason, redoing it just now brought something up in you.

Perhaps something about doing the chant or the sound of it was, may I use the word titillating to you? Yes. I know, sorry. Pertinent. Yeah. Pert, tit, tit, pert. Big tits words. Sorry, pert, pert, pert tits.

Sorry. And all that you've had since then. You said it. You said pert tits, didn't you? I did not say that. Okay, I heard it. Somebody's, I'm pretty sure. Well, I think you heard yourself say it. Yeah, you heard yourself say it.

Penguin. A lot of that going around. There is. Well, I mean, we're all topsy-turvy right now because this is just this is a new one for us. It is. I'm sorry about that. No, don't be sorry. I love this stuff. But what we like to do is try to sort of get to the bottom

of things. When do you say this stuff? Talking to guests and finding out more about them. Oh, okay. Getting to the root of what maybe. What do you think? What did you think? I thought you meant, I love when someone is obsessed with a man who quacks at them. No, no.

That was so specific. Why would I love that? It's never even happened before. You can understand my confusion. Who is quacking now? That's you. I know that's you. Where is he? Where is he?

Where is he? How did you get back up there? He disappeared. I don't know. He left. Do you remember when you were a kid, you would try to run up the slide? Oh, yes.

I watched my boys do it all the time. And you would get an insane amount of static through your body, and you shot yourself. Unless it was a metal slide, and then you might burn your skin. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Listen, we're getting off topic. I feel like it's on purpose. I feel like we're all just dancing around this idea that this man quacked at you. It awakened something in you. Good morning. You can't. It bid you good morning. It bid your soul good morning.

It threw the shades up, threw the curtains open. Yes. The light's streaming threw the curtains open. Yes. The light's streaming into the bedroom now. Yeah. Good morning, sunshine. And I think that you deserve more than a rusty hand-me-down cookie sheet to squat on. Yeah. And tens of kisses on tops of hands.

I mean, that sounds like the saddest Victorian poem. And you've been living in that sad Victorian poem for a long time. I mean, that sounds like the saddest Victorian poem and you've been living in that sad Victorian poem for a long time. I love my cousin. Of course you do. Of course you love him, but do you think that he feels perhaps the same way? I hadn't quite thought that far ahead. Think about it now.

Think about it right now. She's thinking about it. Except for that noise indicates. Well, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum. She's thinking about it. Hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum. Is that what that noise indicates? Hum. Well, he certainly does look out the window longingly. And I suppose he goes on long, very, very long work trips. How long are we talking about? One to three years.

Okay. Depending. That is, that is. And what does he do for a living? Oh, yes. I meant to ask this forever ago. He works at the local movie theater. You may have seen him.

And he goes on work trips that last one to three years. One living? Oh, yes. I meant to ask this forever ago. He works at the local movie theater. You may have seen him. And he goes on work trips that last one to three years. One to three years, depending. On? Depending on. The year. Okay. Okay.

So, wait a minute. What does he do at the movie theater? Okay. He is the one that when you hand, well, when you hand him a ticket, he tears it in half and says, enjoy your show. Or he'll say, sometimes he'll say theater seven,

sometimes he'll say theater two. Oh, depending on which movie you're there to see. is this the guy with the handlebar mustache?

Do you know Samantha? Well, I guess I do. I mean, he's unmistakable. I didn't know his name. We have, because he put tape

over his name tag. He did. Well, Dignity Falls has one of these old-fashioned theaters where we still do tickets and everything. Wouldn't have it any other way. I used to work there. You did, babe. That's right. In high school. Did you know Sam?

Did he work there at that time? He's worked there since. My hands were pretty tied because I worked at the butter mill for the popcorn. Oh. I can't believe that's still legal. Your hands were tied? Okay, I'm so confused.

They would lash the kids' hands to the rudder of the butter mill. The butter rudder? The butter rudder. And then the kid would have to walk around and that's how the butter got churned. You were one of those kids.

No, I was a maintenance guy for the mill. It just always broke down. So your hands weren't tight? Well, because the kids would collapse. It was always some high school kid. A dark part of Dignity Falls history, for sure. And they're still doing it. And I applaud you for even bringing it up. Because a smaller man

and woman wouldn't even bring it up. Wouldn't even remember our dark history. Which is also our dark present. Unfortunately. We've got to do something about that. So, wait. We are all over the place. So, yes. Sam is,

you know, he takes his work sabbaticals and... Okay, but if you work at a local movie theater, how does he... So, now you said business trip, but now you said sabbatical. Yeah. So which is it? Because they're two different things. Yes.

Okay. So he occasionally will go on work trips. Okay. This ticket taker. Right. So what... Is he going to a convention of ticket takers?

Or what does he tell you? I don't go with him. I've got to watch the kids. No, of course, of course. Of course, I'm not mad at you, Martha. Does he not tell you who's working? We don't...

Does he say what he's... Who's taking tickets for the convention of ticket takers? Who's working the front door? I'm sorry. Well, I mean, they probably have laminates. Laminates. He, he, well, he says.

So everybody gets to have fun. Yeah. We do check in. We check in most nights. Okay. You do have chicken and you check in most nights. I love chicken. No.

Who said chicken? Qu mostly. I love chicken. Who said chicken? She said chicken. Like they check in. So who said chicken? Not me. Chicken. You just said it. Are you talking to Joe?

He's talking to you. Me? No, this is... I'm burnt. This is a real who's on first moment. This face is Doug. This face is Mart. This face is Doug. This is Doug. What is happening?

Who would have thought vanilla extract would get us so wasted? I know. Loopy. I hope I grabbed the right bottle. Oh. We do check in every night. Okay. Before you have chicken.

Before, or sometimes during, depending on when he comes. Okay, okay. And we usually just reminisce about the past. Okay, that's interesting. We usually just talk about our other cousins, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles. He doesn't tell you at all about what's going on. And I don't ask. Okay.

Okay. Is this bad? Oh, you know what? What were you going to say? Well, I was going to say, it sounds like you're in a loveless marriage. Oh, dear. And that you both be better off out of it? Oh, you know what? What were you going to say? Well, I was going to say it sounds like you're in a loveless marriage and that you both are better off out of it and that you are sort of aroused by this man

quacking at you and it's got you thinking about life in a different way. Yes, quacking. Is that all you heard me say? Because there was a lot embroidered around the edges. Well, a lot of it was some real truth. So maybe it's best that you didn't hear that. But don't you think we're at that point?

Well, we've been at that point since the beginning. I feel like since her first whimper when we mentioned him, you know, really. But I think we've got to really put it out there. Did I tell you about his shorts and his sports shirt? Yeah, you know, I did want to know about that. You mentioned the sports shirt. What do you mean by that? Well, yeah, I feel like that's a term I used to know, but I don't know what that

is anymore. Like a jersey? Not a jersey. Like a polo shirt sort of thing? More of a polo shirt. There's a sport jacket. Of course. Sure. Which we all know what that is. A blazer. It's different than a blazer. So like a golf shirt maybe? It is a

businessman's shirt if a businessman is a businessman's shirt if a businessman were a sporty guy. Got it. Do you? It's a golf shirt. A golf shirt. Yeah. Because all businessmen golf. Yes. And all they're basically doing is wearing a silky polo.

That's all they're doing. A silky polo. Yeah. A sports shirt and just the It's a blouse. The way his shorts sort of fit upon his thighs. It's almost like she never laid eyes on another man. It does feel like she was just born.

Do you work? Have you worked? I raised three children. It's not an accusation. Russ, Gus, and Chewy. Love a stay-at-home mom. That's what I call him when he's being naughty. Russ. This family must being naughty. Okay. Okay.

Okay. This family must get naughty a lot. They all have their naughty names. That's right. What do you call Chewy when he's misbehaving? Chihuahua. Oh, there you go.

The full thing. Absolutely. The full Chihuahua. That's what they call the full Chihuahua. All right. I feel like we're running low on time. I do too. I've got to take care of my children. Here's what I'm going to say. I homes like we're running low on time. I do too.

I've got to take care of my children. Here's what I'm going to say. I homeschool them. That's tracks. Yeah. I'm not surprised. No, not at all. That was actually not a surprise.

Of all the surprising things that have happened in this episode. Oh boy. Somebody say quacks? I said it tracks. Who said quacks? Here's one thing I want to do. I'm in love with a duck. There it is.

There it is. I'm in love with a duck man. Oh, Martha. I'm in love with a duck. There it is. I'm in love with a duck man. I'm in love with a man who's a duck. I'm in love with a duck feathers. Feathers and quack. Bill. I love a duck Bill. I love the curly penis. I love it. It's more about ducks than about a man. I love his feathers. I love his big bill. His big, big bill.

His brown little head is green. His green green and his brown his green and brown feathers also beige was it a duck in man's clothing did you see a duck dressed in a little outfit is that what's happened here i don't i don't i think back i think i'm hanging back on it i i certainly felt like i saw a man a quacking man okay when when You would certainly explain the quacking. When you heard the quack and you turned around, was this man at eye level or did you have to sort of look down at the ground to see him? I guess when I think back on it, I sort of think back,

I guess I did crink my neck, so to speak. A neck crink. There was a crink. I did a bit of a crink in the neck to sort of appear. So the crink was there. I did a bit of a crink to speak. A neck crink. There was a crink. I did a bit of a crink in the neck to sort of appear. So the crink was there. I did a bit of a crink to see. I did a bit of a crink.

I think it was... Oh, you're a little Irish here. This is so fun. I have an accent, friend. Joan, I'm so happy

that you have an accent, friend. Thank you. Thank you. It's lonely. It's lonely out there. I'm sure. Feathers. So maybe... Feathers. Yeah, you keep mentioning accent friend. Thank you. Thank you. It's lonely. It's lonely out there. I'm sure. Feathers.

So maybe. Feathers. Yeah, you keep mentioning the feathers. Big, big, gorgeous, gorgeous wings. Oh, big wings. Big wings. Big wings. Okay.

So I think that Martha's in love with the duck. I love the web. I love the web of the foot. Oh, the web of the foot. I love the web of the foot. I loved his big web foot. His big, big foot. He's got to take his big web foot to the cobbler in town.

That's right. He has to go to the cobbler in town to get special shoes. There's a cobbler in Dignity Falls. I know. I know. There absolutely is a cobbler in Cobbler. That's right. And pants.

Isn't it pretty, pretty, pretty penny? Oh, that is correct. And I was just about to say that. It was pretty penny and she costs a pretty penny. And she's gorgeous. Wow. Wow. She is gorgeous.

I forgot about pretty penny. She is. It was on the tip of my tongue. And Martha, you said it. I am impressed. Quack. Oh, quack. Okay, quack.

Absolute quack. I want you to take a deep breath. Have a chip if you need to. Grab another egg chip. Oh, ducks love chips. Have some more vanilla. Glug, glug. So, Martha, if I may. Martha, may I? Sure.

Martha, my dear. Okay. Martha, my dear. While we're drinking smoothies in the bathroom cheese. In the bathroom cheese. Okay. So, Martha, I think what is happening? What is happening? If I could be very direct.

If I could be very direct because I think you've had a breakthrough here. You have been missing physical affection for all of your life. Oh, pretty much. That when this duck,

an actual duck, the animal, the bird, quacked at you, it aroused something in you and I don't think and I pray that you're not actually in love with a duck, but that you are

realizing you're realizing you're realizing that you't want to reinforce. You're realizing that you need something more. Something more. Yes. A duck. No, no, no. See, that's really well put burnt because I think what he's saying is you're looking to fill a void. I don't know if turducken is the answer.

I heard turducken. I don't think that's the answer. It's more than a duck. It is more than a duck, but I don't think that's the answer here. I'm trying so hard to get full sentences out here right now. So hard. I'm locking in, Joan. And thank you. That perhaps when we think that there's something that we want, it's because... Okay, Burns.

Can we have a turducken tonight? Is everybody locked in? We're trying to lock in. Is everyone locked in? Good. It's like a theme song. Good. It was the a theme song. Good. It was the same good. You're right.

Well, it was me. There's only so many goods a woman can have. So true. Run out of goods at what age? Okay. I think around 35, 35, they start diminishing. You gotta freeze your goods.

They go right with the eggs. I'll have another chip. Here we go. Do ducks have eggs? Sorry. Do ducks have eggs? It doesn't matter. Ducks lay eggs.

They lay eggs, yes. Oh, interesting. They do. Just the females. Why is that interesting? Just because, just thinking of all the possibilities. Meaning? I wonder if a human could have eggs.

Oh, that's a hard no. Okay. Okay. We might as well just cut to the chase on that one. Cut to the eggs. No. Yeah. Okay.

Cut to the eggs. Cut the eggs. I think that when Tom's time is... Oh, Tom's time. Stop bubble. Oh, stop bubble. Stop bubble, she said. Now I regret being locked in.

It's the prune. It's sprune. It's sprune. It's sprune. It's sprune. Sprune, sprune, sprune. Okay, sorry. When you're filling a void,

you're trying to fill a void, you see something, anything, like he said, and you think, well, that's it. That's not necessarily true. What he's saying is something's missing, but you don't need to fill it with the very first thing you see.

Exactly. Duck. Right. You maybe need to take a sabbatical of your own, Martha. Me? This is great. Yes.

Take a sabbatical. That's what you need to do. You need to get out own, Martha. Me? This is great. Yes. That's what you need to do. You need to get out of that house. Go on a work trip. Russ and Gus and Chewy, they're going to be fine. They're going to be fine. It'll be good for them too. It'll be good for them too.

Let Sam handle the kids. Sam handle. Okay. Yes. And you go on a life experience walkabout and you go have any pray love you hear me yes yes yes yes you've got to not not really get your groove back but get your groove at all you even learn what a groove is yes yeah yes yes i'm i'm free well my god i'm free i mean it's easier said than done but what you do what you do is you just say you've been gone

for several years at a time depending on the year since you've been gone I've been drinking so many smoothies I'm talking tropical and also berry and cumin

is a thing my friend burnt puts in his smooth. Oh, this was recent. That was a long one. It was a recent addition, too. She just met you. Absolutely.

And she calls you her friend. That's nice. That's nice, yes. We certainly have had a moment here. I mean, I feel like we've been talking for hours. We have. I literally think we have.

You might have to cut this down into something, something palatable. I don't know how we would, actually. I think it's all going to go. I don't know if we've ever edited the show ever. None of it's getting edited whatsoever.

Edited is a hard thing to say. Edited. Now try saying it at the end of it. Edited. Edited. I edited it. I edited it. Eddie edited it.

Eddie edited it. Oh, Devin. What a curse. We have completely deconstructed over here at the neighborhood. Listen, we have a blast. Actually, I want to thank you both. I want to thank you both. Joan, Berndt, even Doug.

Where is Doug? You get a shout out. I just want to say I've sort of I think I I think I froze in place, you know, when I met Samantha all those years ago. Yes, yes. And I haven't really been living my life. I've been living some other life. And I saw a duck. I met a duck.

I fell in love with a duck. He quacked at me. My life changed. My world split open. And I'm ready to go out into the world. Yes. And flap my mother ducking wings. There you go.

Oh, good for you. I like that spirit. Absolutely. Good for you. Absolutely. Yes. Oh, if you wouldn't mind, I want to transcribe that and use that as a monologue. Of course.

Please. Thank you. Please. Please do. It's a great monologue. I mean, in terms of monologues? I'll make it longer. The way I do it.

I'll make it longer. Yes, stretch it out. Great. Oh, God. I feelologues? Oh, I'll make it longer. The way I do it, I'll make it longer. Yes, stretch it out. Great. Oh, God, I feel like a new woman, I guess. Martha, good for you. Good for me. Good for you. Thank you for coming on this podcast and just really, I don't know, opening up our minds.

I'm grateful that we could be a part of this journey of self-discovery for you. Yes, yeah, me too. And don't, don't, but don't try. But don't try to sleep in the dock. Okay? Please promise me. You said corkscrew, did you? No, no, no. I gotta go. That shouldn't be a plus. Okay. Nope. The fact that it excites her is something else.

Corkscrew. Hey! We don't get to hang here on this show. I told my boys I'd be here for a couple more hours, so... Oh, that's strange. I think I'm gonna take off. Okay. Yes, I think that's a good idea. You said cor. Oh, that's strange. I think I'm going to take off. Yes, I think that's a good idea. You said corkscrew, right? Well, I did. Interesting.

Kind of spinning this way and that. I think the idea that she's going to be able to get the duct. It probably won't happen. It'll be fine. You know what? Good for them. It feels like if not corkscrew, at least bill bill I think I'm gonna actually

take off okay okay Martha thank you so much love you oh bye oh ouch oh wow okay love you oh oh you know sometimes it's just a thing you say right okay guess what Martha I love you too. Oh, that's nice.

Okay? Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. And also quack with you. Dignity falls. More when The Neighborhood Listen returns.

Hi there. This is Shekola. Free backdrop. It's a free backdrop that can be used for a classroom, a reading, an event, YouTube, etc. Located in North Dig, this stand that holds the backdrop is not included. So if you're interested in buying the stand, then please let me know. It's a big hunk of vinyl. It says, The Philosophy of Children.

It takes a village, and there you go. So you can use that for so many things, for a children's philosophy class, for a village opening. It might seem unneighborly that I'm giving you this big hunk of vinyl and not including the stand, but life ain't fair. And that's another backdrop of mine. Life Ain't Fair by Chicola.

All right. Chicola! All right. She collapsed. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. Well, I'll tell you what. That's the first for us. What a time that was.

I mean, are we... We're not condoning bestiality, are we? Is that what just happened? I mean... I think we were trying to steer her towards humans. Oh, I don't think. I was definitely trying to steer her toward a human. Yes, I don't think that we... Well, she's used to...

Again, we're saying the same thing. We just don't realize it. It's true. Yeah. She's used to a sexless relationship. What's that, Doug? She is used already to a sexless relationship. I think that with a duck should cause

no problems. You're saying it's okay to have a celibate relationship with a member of the animal kingdom. Oh, boy. All I'm saying is a duck in a little suit does sound like it could be a handsome duck. Okay, but the duck was never wearing a suit.

I don't think it was. I don't think the duck was wearing shorts and a sports shirt. I think it was just a duck. A duck walked by, quacked at her. It rocked her world. It blew it wide open. Speaking of which, there's a window open, which we shouldn't have during Sproon. No.

And a crazy bus just flew right at burnt. We have to be wary of the spores. Yeah. Because if the spores get in you, you sort of start to turn into one of those plants. Oh, definitely. You can see some people end up having, you know, just maybe like a little waxy green part on their hand or whatever. Some part that's starting to look like a plant.

Some people will get like a thorn. Yeah. And that's how you know that they inhaled. That they inhaled. That they inhaled. And, you know, your teeth become very long and thin and web-like. And your eyes sort of shrivel.

Don't Google sprune fever. Do not Google sprune fever do not google sprune fever whatever you do that's what I tell everyone that comes into the pharmacy you googled it didn't you because people will just be ashen they'll come in 100 yard stare I have it

I've seen some people though with the beautiful flowers like for hair that's rare though you're lucky if you get that exactly though with the beautiful flowers like for hair. That's rare though. Yeah, if it's late stage. Everyone's late. You're lucky if you get that. Exactly. But yes, to be clear,

no, we don't want her to go out and try to sexually assault a duck. No. Or have one assault her. Correct. Either or. Yeah, there's no consent in the animal kingdom.

All right. So, babe, so how have you figured out how to get back up? Are you going to do a dumb waiter? Oh, I just, I scurried up the whole slide. But I do think- You did.

You managed to climb up the whole slide. Climbed it up. Yeah, yeah. Did you do it like hereditary style? Were you- I did it. You mean like the exorcist? I guess they both had that, I think.

Yeah, I guess she did the upside down bridge pose backwards down the stairs. That's right. A little nod to our Yolga fans. But I think I got it right somehow. Because my goal, again, not to have any bouncy material or trampoline or anything at the end. Yes. Because I want the slide to just perfectly disembark you. Is that the right word?

Well, sure. I want you to exit. I want you to slow down to a exact. To where you're just like, you could just be walking. Yes. Yeah. You just continue walking. Oh, that's very cool.

Rip, row, and ride until then. Well, it sounded like it was really fun. Okay, we're not a water park, babe. No, we're not. And I do think that's impossible. But Doug, I commend you on daring to dream. We have time for one more post. This is from Junior here in Dignity Falls.

This is under General. Now, Junior has posted several pictures. They're kind of nice of a sort of sunset, you know, when the clouds get all pink like that. And there's a lot of clouds. And he's included a picture of a helicopter in there for some reason. And Junior, no subject line, just the body of the messages. Red clouds, period. Crazy, ha, comma.

And rain clouds, question mark. Weatherman said, no more rain, comma. All caps, wow, period. May I look at that? Yeah, sure. Okay, thanks. I just wanted to see the pictures. So okay thanks i just wanted to see the pictures so really he just wanted to share these pictures i guess but he also i can't figure out if he's

angry at the weatherman for saying no more rain it's not raining by the way he doesn't say anything about rain just that there's clouds right am i wrong no you're not it's just the crazy ha is strange it's not that crazy clouds crazy ha and red you know i think we're getting that this is a person who might be at that age where really all you talk about is your health and the weather yeah because this and you know what i'll feel myself doing it sometimes on the on the mom end of things that you know oh this used to drive me crazy about my mom but you drive me around i was younger and she would drive by and just be like, Whoa, they repainted the hospital. And I just thought, who cares?

And now I find myself doing the same thing. Yes. Like, oh, well, look at that. Well, I guess they tore down that. I was going to say Walgreens. Don't want to say Walgreens. Sorry. I'm happy if they tear down a Walgreens.

I hope they all burn to the ground. Oh, well, that went further than I thought I was going to they're a shit organization and I don't care I'm happy to say it on Mike Walgreens okay I think they can go to hell okay wow well you heard it here don't know if you heard it here first but you heard it here

I would rather people dig their own grave than go to a Walgreens that is what a strange thing dig their own grave than go to a Walgreens. That is what a strange thing. What a strange thing to choose that they'd rather do. Wow. Okay.

Okay, I get it. Okay. So, I just think this is that kind of thing where, you know, at this point in life,

you go out, you look at the sky, you think, well, that weatherman said something. I mean, first of all, if you're at the sky, you think, well, that weatherman said something. I mean, first of all, if you're at the age where you're even listening to a weatherman,

you know, you're putting any stock in something. I can't remember the last time. at 6 p.m. at the news, at the news. Yes. The only reason I ever watch a weatherman is to see how weird they are.

Yes. Because a lot of times a weatherman is a colorful character. Sometimes they're boring, but sometimes they are very, you know, what I love about local news is that sometimes the weatherman and the sports guy can be real. And of course, here we had Clancy Trucks, who did sports. Oh, yeah. And he did his entire sports cast through an old-fashioned megaphone. And the Dicney Falls diggers, they're going to come from behind the

ceiling, they're going to win it all. He was unintelligible practically half the time. And they put subtitles down at the bottom. It's like, well, tell them to stop using that thing. But it wouldn't have been the same. And of course, our weatherman, our weatherman, Tommy

Hailstones, used to come on. Do you think that was his given name, his God-given name? I looked it up. It was. No way. His real first name was Herb, but he changed it to Tommy. But his last name was Hailstones. And he did the weather for as long as I could remember.

He only retired a couple years ago and then immediately died. And he used to do the weather in a, he used to put on a wizard's hat. Yes. And he would have a crystal ball and he would say, what's the weather going to be? Will it be sunny? Not for thee. And then he would, everything was a riddle. I love those.

You know, that was great. And he would do, you know, he'd wish you a happy birthday. He'd be like, who is it in my way? wishing jimmy simpson a happy birthday you know and you would get a crystal ball happy birthday wish from tommy hailstones and people love that it was sad he was forced into retirement he was just making it up in the last year it was yeah clearly keeping him alive i mean he really did i think so yeah he got home after his retirement party that's right dead he didn't even make it all the way into his house. Nope, he didn't.

He opened the door. His feet were still outside. And I was curious that happy birthday was only for people turning 55. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sort of like the Smuckers thing. Yeah, Willard Scott on the Today Show.

If you turned 100. I don't know why he thought 55. I think because he started so young, he couldn't imagine anyone being 55. Yeah, I think that's it. And then he just stuck to it. He did it forever. And they keep the wizard hat on display in the window there at the local studio. That's right, the studio window. Take your picture with it.

That's right. Can't try it on. No, you may not. You can't try it studio. That's right. Studio window. Take your picture with it. That's right. You can't try it on. No, you may not. You can't try it on. Uh-uh. And you shouldn't. It doesn't look as light. It never.

It probably does. Maybe it does. Probably the most elderly lice you can have. You should probably not leave that hat on the bed. Well, what a ride this episode has been. But you know what? Talking about the thing like, oh, they painted the hospital. Oh, yeah.

I think I am now old enough to understand the urge to say that out loud if it's a place that you've gotten used to it's things that you've gotten used to you've seen a billion times and then there's a change it's not for some reason it's not enough to just think it you have to say it out loud and i i don't strange it strange. It's like you can't help it. Yeah. Yeah. It's really uncontrollable. I find it depressing.

Yeah. The human condition is not without its foibles. Well, as we've learned today. Yes, this lady has problems in her brain. Or just problems in her heart. She probably shouldn't have just only dated one person since he was a baby. Yeah. But I think that has also warped her heart. She probably shouldn't have just only dated one person since he was a baby. Yeah, but I think that has also warped her brain.

But we wish her well. Of course we do. We wish her well. Best of luck to her. Yep. All right. Well, again, if you'd like to send us a post, why don't you write to us? Screenshot and write to us at burntandjone at gmail.com. If you would like to hear ad-free episodes of The Neighborhood Listen, same episode but no ads, then you go to thecbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus tier on there.

And that will get you ad-free episodes and our bonus room episodes, which where we sometimes do movie watch-alongs. We talk to other residents of Dignity Falls. It's a lot of fun and a great way to get to know the neighborhood even better. And I think that's it. I think that's it. Thank you so much for listening. Of course, we really appreciate every

listener that we have. Yes, and I'm so sorry. I gotta get to this Zoom, because Fargo's waiting. Oh, that's right. Okay. Well, we'll be back next week to tell you all about... What did we say we were going to tell them about? Well, we're going to tell you about one movie. I'm going to tell you about my Zoom meeting, but what movie are we going to

tell you about? Either... Doug, do you remember what movie we said we were going to talk about next week? I remember Toy, but that was the second movie we talked about. That was the second one. It wasn't the Adjustment Bureau. No. Oh, shoot, we forgot. A lot of movies came up.

Well, we'll go back and listen and we'll figure it out. Or we won't. Okay. We'll see. Now that's a cliffhanger. Sure is. Until next time.

Bye. And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced

by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Darcy Carden. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World.

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