The Neighborhood Listen - I Need To Sell My House Now w/ Artoun Nazareth

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

Burnt's burnt out, Joan frets over some alarming news, and Doug conducts vital research. Today's guest from the NeighborhApp is Tracy (Artoun Nazareth), whose unusual circumstances have necessitated a new realtor.Want more TNL? Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to all seasons ad-free, as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The new McRispy strip is here. Dip approved by ketchup, tangy barbecue, honey, mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, double dipped in Buffalo and ranch, Moor Ranch, and creamy chili McRispy strip dip. Now at McDonald's. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise and character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of... The Neighborhood Listen! Knock, knock! Who's there? Your neighbor. Good! In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the Neighbor Half app and us,

Bert, and Joan! From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all, and meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen! Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls

through the eyes of its residents, of which I am one. My name is Bert Miappade. I'm the Farm Assistant Chief at the Dignity Falls Messe. Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, what's going on? This is where you introduce yourself. What's going on? What's happening?

This is not like you at all. This is not the way that you start the podcast. You sound so down. I'm just, I'm really tired. I'm really tired. Why are you so tired? I mean, I really miss my welcome to the neighbor. Listen, you know, I miss that.

I don't know if that's what I sound like, but I, I just said the energy is what I'm wanting to convey. I know, I know it's not a great impression. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what are you so tired about? You have me talking quiet. Cause I feel like I can't talk. I know. Well, you shouldn't. I'll try, I'll try to bring up,

I'll try to bring up the energy a little better. If they're listening to this while driving, I'm trying my best honey. I know, well, you should not. I'll try to bring up the energy a little. Yeah, it's a little better. You're not gonna fall asleep if they're listening to this while driving. I'm trying my best, honey. Do you know that Instagram video? I know I do. A little girl is painting her mom's nails and then the mom says, well, you got some on my finger.

And then this little girl, she's a very cute little girl with glasses. And she goes, I'm trying my best, honey. with glasses and she goes, I'm trying my best honey. Anyway, I, you know, the, uh, the pharmacy is gearing up to celebrate the anniversary of the pill. It's the, it's the 700th anniversary of the pill. Just the pill in general. Just pill form. Okay.

Just the modern pill as we know it. You know, the pill can mean a couple of things. Yes. Not the birth control pill. Right, right. I would love a celebration of that. I'm not expecting it. This is different than the tablet, which is separate.

Right. Different from the tablet. We're talking the classic sort of oval, or I don't want to say oval, cylindrical, round. A round white pill. A round, just a simple round white pill. And part of the celebration of course is when colors were introduced. To the pill.

Yeah, and we've just all been working around the clock. So we're doing our shifts at work, but then we're building the floats and we're building. Oh, cause of course there's going to be a parade. Yeah, there's going to be a big straw man that will light on fire. And what does that signify again for the pill? It's well, he we we it's you put a big flaming pill into the straw man's mouth. Oh, like an archer is going to shoot like a flaming pill.

Well, no, it's going to be somebody on a cherry picker. Will the flaming pill into the mouth of the straw man? All right. And then you watch it go through. OK, go on. But I mean, that's not how we deliver pills. I just wish I was consulted because I have lots of ideas. You know, I'm sure. But I feel like an arrow of shooting a flaming arrow into the mouth of someone. It'd be a flaming pill.

Flaming pill. I think it sends the wrong message. Like, we're not out to hurt you. So it's a cherry picker. It's a cherry picker and then the pill goes through the way the straw man is constructed. It's that you see it go through the circulatory system of the straw man. Okay. I see. Like demonstrating how it works.

Like in all those commercials where it just shows the drawing of a man with his arms out and then the medicine travels to where it needs to go. That's exactly what we're trying to do. So it goes to the stomach and then it branches out from there. Okay, I think I have sort of seen, because people have been passing, I know, I can tell that you are,

I can tell you have a five o'clock shadow everywhere. That's an unfortunate thing is that it is. It's it gives me a sort of transformation wolfman effect. And, you know, of course, I'm embarrassed at how much facial hair I have on my forehead. And eyelids. You got to you got to catch up on that. I think I know what you're talking about.

Because I have seen there have been little, I don't know if you've been part of this, but I think they're trying to advertise it because there's these little things where, kind of like how when you'll get an invitation to an engagement sometimes, you open up, it's like a little box that pops open, you know When a butterfly comes out Picturing one butterfly, like one of its little legs going over the edge and then the

other one. Little butterfly going, ehhhhhh! Sometimes they're in there for too long. It's not the intended effect. Oh, they're real butterflies! Yes. Okay, I did mean to say that. real butterfly. I didn't mean to say fly out, of course.

Well, anyways, I was saying I got something in the mail the other day and it said pill popper and I was like, what? And then you open it up and it was like, there was like a little bit of confetti, like of little tiny pills. And it did say it was like, there was like a little bit of confetti, like of little tiny pills. And it did say it was like from the pharmacist association of America. And it was like, I was like, oh, they must be having some event, but it was just unclear.

It was just listed a bunch of activities that they're gonna be doing to celebrate the pill and are these pharmaceuticals. And like the activities were like outdoor barbecue, canoeing with your mom, walking on the beach, indoor barbecue, hiking up a tree, going to an antique shop, dancing under outdoor lights.

Which is all day long. All day long. And so I assume, oh, okay, yeah, I get that. I understand those activities, but I want to know what part of all of this are you involved in and what part of it is making you so tired? What are you required to do?

I'm involved in just about every aspect of it. I mean, it's all hands on deck and we are doing, we're trying to do it all at the same time. Right, could you, I'm gonna call such as for this particular moment when we, and I don't wanna exhaust you more with providing an example. but it just seems like you're not, how, what is it? Can you give me one activity you've had to do? You have to build the face of the straw man. We're each taking a

different part. Why'd you choose the face? It sounds like the most interesting. I always assigned the face. Did you draw straws? Yeah, we drew straws. And I drew the first straw, and the guy holding the straw said, ooh, that is for sure the shortest one. Cause he knew. And I thought it was pretty long. And he said, nope, that's the shortest one.

I know there's no need to draw straws for that. You got it. And I'm still a little suspect of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, well, so you, you're building and where, how big is this going to be? The face itself is 20 feet tall. Good God. Where are you keeping this? We're, it's in, where are you working on it? It's in various garages and auditoriums around the neighborhood. Each part of it. I hope no one's allergic.

Well it's not straw, it's wicker, but we can't say wicker because of the two movies. And because of that furniture store, the wicker man. Oh yeah, oh God. Yes furniture store, the wicker man. Oh yeah. Oh God. Yes. Yes. The wicker man. Down on De Gaulle, which is actually the only street in town. For a French president.

That's right. So, so that is that it? Are we just going to say that it's, it's working on this straw head. That is what is making you so exhausted. Joe, it's not just that I'm trying, I'm trying not to be cranky. Okay. You're pestering him.

I wouldn't see. No, Doug. Babe, I'm not, I'm just, I feel like it's disproportionate what he's being asked to do or like at least what he's the way that he's so exhausted. I just was wondering if there was anything extra. I have to incorporate the guts of my nitro-burning funny car into one of the floats.

Really? Because it's going to, it's the float. The guts, what an interesting way to say it. Yeah, well, because they don't, there's not much of a chassis. Okay. And they need to, it's the first float out the gate.

Okay. And so it's going to be extremely fast. I don't know that I've ever seen a parade out the gate. And so it's going to be extremely fast. I don't know that I've ever seen a parade with like a speed float. It sounds dangerous. I guess if you're first, you're not worried about running into a marching band or what have you.

But how fast is it gonna go? It's gonna go like zero to 70. Is anybody gonna be on it? Good question, babe. What is it a float of, or is it just one of those ones that's just like, it is a float of a car? It's a float of a big capsule. Oh, okay.

On its side. On its side, okay. And people are just going to be like, straddled on top of it? There's going to be one guy who is driving it, and then there's going to be one guy riding it on top, like Slim Pickens and Dr. Strange. Like Dr. Strange? Oh who is driving it and then there's gonna be one guy riding it on top like slim pickings Wow, okay, so burnt I'm so sorry, you know also to hang up streamers

Okay, well that explains it. I mean hanging up streamers is one of the most tiring things You have your hands above your head for so long. It's you veryheaded. What am I, one of Jim Henson's puppeteers? Can't hold my arms up for that long? Absolutely not. You know, you could have said, hey, can we just push today? We don't have to do it today. I couldn't do that. I also, I needed this today.

I needed to have something to do. Yeah. Okay. No, I'm having a great time. You are, okay. It's so much fun. This is really feeding my soul today. Just so everybody knows, this whole time

we've been talking, his eyes are closed. Not by choice. No. And I do have something to tell you, Joan, and I don't know how you're gonna feel about it. Woo, this is not starting out the way I thought it would. But someone came to see me at the pharmacy the other day to fill a prescription.

Okay. And that person was Joliope, your daughter. What? And she said, Burt, I'm gonna ask you to hand this to someone else to fill. And I want you to look at it. What was it?

And I said, Joliope, I can't do that. And she said, uncle Burt, please. And I said you to look at it. What was it? And I said, Jolly, I can't do that. And she said, Uncle Bert, please. And I said, you don't call me Uncle Bert. She tried that on me. Uncle Bert. That sounds like you never said that in her life. Yes, she has no familial feeling with you. Not at all.

No, if anything, she pretended to not know what my name was for the first 10 years that I knew her. And she then move on to Unky Burn. No, I feel like I effectively shut it down. Does she call you Unky Dad sometimes? Wait, I'm sorry, May, but our daughter's trying to get prescription drugs that I don't know about. Please tell me what this was. She, I was not able to see what it was.

What? Why did you even tell me this story? Then I thought the whole point was that you were going to tell me what it was. Well, I thought you could take it from here with your own child. I thought usually at the pharmacy, you guys like announce everyone's prescriptions

over the speakers. They don't do that anymore. That's not the thing. That's only in rom-coms from the 80s. Yeah. We got anal cream and aisle six or whatever. Yes, yes, babe. Oh my gosh.

I know. He had to do it. He had to do it. But there was a time that we used to do that. Yeah. Yeah, I knew I wasn't. Yeah, that was crazy. That was before Pharmacy 2,

which was a big movement to reform the pharmacy. The movie? What? Sequel to Pharmacy. No, no, no, no. Big movement to reform the pharmacy. The movie? What? Sequel to Pharmacy. No, no, no, no. They still haven't made a sequel to Pharmacy. I thought there was a pharmacist who did such good sound effects. You can never top the first one.

I guess you can. The pharmacist who does all the great sound effects and. You know, with his mouth. Michael Winslow. Yeah, that's right. Thanks, babe. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Thanks babe. Yeah.

Thanks for pointing it out. Everyone loved it. It showed pharmacists in a different light. It sure did. And yeah, it's too bad. All right. So this is very concerning. So now I'm going to have to get into this.

This kid, Billy at the pharmacy, he's brand new. He snatches the prescription out of my hand. He goes and fills it. And he won't tell me what it is. A Billy would snatch. A Billy would snatch. Oh, that's that. Now that's a classic Dignity Falls expression.

A Billy would snatch. So wait, he has it? She doesn't know a Billy, at least not that I know of. Why would he snatch the medication? No, Billy is the employee. He snatched the prescription piece of paper out of my hand and filled it. He didn't take the pills or whatever it was.

Why didn't you snatch it back? Joan, I of course tried to do that. Okay, because you're just so tired, your reflexes are slow. There's that too, but he's very tall, he's holding it over my head, bully style. Oh, that's embarrassing. He's six, eight.

Good God. Yeah, and he's making me jump and I can't. Billy, will dunk. I can't jump like I used to. You remember I used to be able to jump so high. You used to be able to jump so, so high. It is true. I could reach any shelf.

And now, so he won't tell me what it is. Julyope wouldn't tell me what it is. So I thought I had to tell you that she's got some secret prescription. I'm going to be very distracted for this whole episode now. Okay. I guess he doesn't care. I'm too tired to worry about it. This is weird. She doesn't have anything.

What do you think? Cigar pills? You don't need a prescription for this. Babe, this is so concerning. By the way, okay, for whatever reason, I guess my kids have lost their mind this week. So first, you know, you tell me about this. Second of all, Doug is in the focus room today. Right. Now Doug is Joan's husband. Joan is the other person you've been hearing talking. Joan Pedestrian, who's the number one realtor here in Diggins Falls. I'll give it a little more pomp and circumstance.

And the number one local actress. And the number one local actress. And Doug, her husband is in another room as he always is. And Doug, where are you today? You know what? In the focus room. You know what, just take a minute. Just take a minute, just take a load off.

Maybe even have a quick 10 minute nap because you're bumming me out, man. I mean, this is bumming me out. I'm already so concerned about you, Livia. And on top of it, so as everybody knows, and maybe if you don't, the boys, my twins, they are living at home. Of course I'm talking about my boys, Matt and-

Sistine Chapelo. And Sistine Chapelo, which is crazy. We almost named him Pizza Ball. What stopped you? I just didn't want people to constantly make jokes about it. So we want the Sistine Chapalo. It was good to hit that off at the pass. So they have written me a show, a Mr. Doubtfire,

obviously we're switching it around. We talked about it, it's all gonna be done in one shot. And they literally already cut together an edit that they wanna have a focus group for, but they wanna have it in my own home. And I'm honestly the only one in the scene that they're showing to people. And I don't want, in my own home, I don't want people-

Focus group for one scene. Wow, I think that's carpet for the horse. I agree. And so they asked Doug to build a focus room and he's doing it. He's doing like the double window mirror, whatever it is. Oh, it's not a focus room without that.

That is true. That's not, it's true. That is true, you do need somebody watching you behind a fake mirror. It's just gonna be me and then just people talking about me and that sounds like a nightmare. Not in a good way talking about me. Oh, I was gonna say, I thought that's what actors like. I know, that's why I rushed in to correct it.

We could run other focus groups. Like what, babe? You know, local ad campaigns and things like that. Such. Such as. Such as. Just a little little such all by itself out that. Such. Such. Such as. Such as. Just a little love of such all by itself out there.

Such. Such. Political campaigns. Iraq, such as. You know, just ideas. If people have an idea, we can have family ideas. Like a whole room that we could have done. Also.

Focus group, focus groups. Wow. Is that possible? But I feel like that's a space that I would like to use for something else than someone just like basically a Reddit board come to life. I don't need that. Ooh, you want that?

No, I do not want that. You could sort of have an up vote system. No, I really, really don't want that. I just wish you would, can we turn it into something after they do this? Can it be, you know, can it be turned into like a chill out room, put a bunch of pillows in there or like, I don't know, put like, you know, one of those things where you put stars up on the ceiling.

That would be lovely. Like a children's room. Yeah. Why are you saying it like that? What is wrong with everyone today? Well, it just feels a little juvenile. Oh my gosh! Have you ever been to a spa, Doug? There's all sorts of effects like that

that you might find in children's, which is soothing. That's Doug saying that. They have glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Doug said juvenile. Doug said juvenile. I apologize, heartily. Thank you for that, babe. I do love those.

Aren't you worried about July-a-B? I am. I've been thinking about July-a-B. And you got me looking at the history of the pill. Oh no. And I know you know all of this stuff. Which pill? Which one did you look up? Just the pill form.

Okay. Yeah. Try to quiz me. What did you find, babe? Yeah, I whispered. Pills are thought to, try to quiz me. What did you find babe? Pills are thought to date back to around. Oh, he's doing this book report style. Do you want to say it at the same time? Oh, 1500 BC. What? I wouldn't have thought that. 1500 BC. That's right.

I feel like that was, that must've just been, you know, like a con man just giving you a small rock. Probably in a lot of cases. They were pretty- That was a common practice up until, I want to say 1890. The first references to pills were found on papyruses in ancient Egypt and contained, you know this,

bread dough, honey, or grease. Grease, yeah. Yeah. What? Can you imagine how delicious those honey grease pills were? That's all Doug's thinking about, he wants a honey grease pill. That's of course animal style without the bread.

If you're worried about your carbs. Can I get the pill animal style? Bread dough. I guess you can just call that a pill, like a little bit of bread dough. I mean, sure. So what we're celebrating with the 700 years of the pill is when it started being called a pill and started having medicine in it. Okay. All right.

Because before that's how they said it. I'm sorry, babe. What? Beel. Beel. Beel. That's a very good approximation of, you know, prehistoric. I know. He's managed to probably offend like five nationalities

with that pronunciation. Beel. It almost, I think you're doing a bee almost. It's almost like. Yeah, early. Beel. For that pronunciation. Beel. It almost, I think you're doing a bee almost. It's almost like- Yeah, you don't, you don't- It's not a harsh P. It's not a plosive P. Yeah.

It's not a harsh B. Beel. Beel. Ah! Wow, okay. So I don't know- Well, thank you for those facts. Yeah.

So you don't know what? Well, first of all, when does the focus group convene? Oh God, they wanted a rush job on this. So I think they're wanting to do it next week. What? First one? There's gonna be more than one? What do you know that I don't know, babe? Well, you need a bunch of groups to come in to focus. You get like just 10 people, random people, that's enough. To focus on the same one scene?

Yeah. Otherwise, you know, it's like a sample size. A sample size. Yeah. OK, which is different than what you're talking about. It's like a fun size. OK, I'm not sure what we're talking about anymore. I I'm wondering, should I just get you some caffeine? You want some coffee burned? Can we? I don't I don't, I don't.

I just gotta ride this out. Okay. This is gonna be interesting. You know, they say five o'clock shadows, like sexy on a guy. Well, yeah, when it's in one place, yeah. Okay. Well, babe, I'm just-

You could have just said, yeah, they do. Trying to gas them up. Yeah, they do. I appreciate the interview, Doug, I do. You know what? You know what? I'm sorry, but this has been a very strange episode for me. I've been told my child has somehow managed to get a prescription out from under my nose.

And I've got the boys and my husband colluding to have people come in and just tear me apart basically. Well, you don't know that they're going to turn. They could say we want to see more of this. They're going to love it. They're not going to say we want to see more of this middle-aged woman which is more which scene is it it's the new scene i had to do that you had to do in this movie that your son's are like mom mom she's like the substance like who's so brave if didn't want to do that that's like what you got to do now this movie that your sons are producing. They were like, mom, mom, she's like, this is a substance. Like, who's so brave of doing that?

That's like what you got to do now is like awesome for her to do that. And I was like, no. So it's you as Mr. Doubtfire nude. Yeah, it's supposed to be, they want to be in this moment where I confront myself and it's like, no, I really am a woman and what it is it to be a woman and you know, and all that kind of stuff.

But there's a prosthetic penis. It's... a woman and what it is it to be a woman and you know, and all that kind of stuff. But there's a prosthetic penis. And they made, I come in, I come in, it's like that scene in Shakespeare love where the feltro has bound her breasts and he just takes one end of it and she spins, you know, she spins out of it. Oh wow. I guess so. I have not seen that movie since it came out. It's one of the boys favorite movie. I just remember, didn't Judy Dench win an Oscar for saying hello and goodbye and stepping over a coat over a puddle.

Hey, she's doing it again. She can do whatever she wants. True. Hey. But and that athletic was in it. Remember that's correct. So yeah, I'm very, very concerned about it. I also feel like there's so many things that might be offensive about this pile. I think there's a lot of problematic things and I'm just very worried about it.

And I also think that the shaky cam is gonna make everybody sick to their stomach. Yeah. So I don't know. It sounds like a bad idea all around, Joe. I think it sounds like a bad idea. What sounds like a good idea is to take a break before our guest comes here,

load you up with caffeine of some sort. Okay. Or maybe tape your eyelids open. I don't know what we're gonna do. It's like Freddy, I'll be fine. Nightmare on Elm Street style. It's like Freddy Nightmare on Elm Street style.

You know, the kids are trying to stay awake. Oh, I'm Freddy on a nightmare. I'm straight. No, no, that's it. We're going to break right now. Go quick. Go quick. We'll be right back when the neighborhood lizard returns. Hi everybody.

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It's Catherine, and what I've got for you for free is a 90s throwback box. It's a cool cardboard box. Want a fun free box to pack a present for someone born in the 90s? This is it. Pick up in Dignity Falls near Spruce and Harrison. Be prepared to share your cell number to arrange pickup Thanks, if this is still listed it is available

Yep, it's a 90s throwback box It's empty and on the front on the top it says to be 90s throwback And then a smaller lettering share on social with at to And then, I can't make out what that says, because my eyes aren't as good as they used to be. But, if you know someone who's born in the 90s, and they're very attached to the 90s, I would say probably if they were born, uh, you know, 90... 90... 90, because then they have at least 10 years of the 90s and they remember it good but if they were born in 1998 say I wouldn't do it but also if they were born in the 80s if they were born in 1985 then they have a clear recollection

of the 90s and they are then they are saying I love it I loved it when I was that alive at that age and and I feel connected to it. You can also be somebody born in the 60s and maybe the 90s was a great time for you. Maybe you had a lot of money, a good job. Maybe you were very lucky and you found things on the street. Maybe you had a loving relationship or you were unmarried

and had terrific sex with lots of people. Maybe you grew, had a growth spurt out of nowhere as a grown person. But if you if you know someone who likes the 90s for whatever goddamn reason, this is the box for them. Imagine them opening it up and saying, what? You got me the 2B's 90s throwback experience? Which we, which if you, if you could only have experienced what was in the box, you would have had so much fun with the 90s throwing it back with Tubi. But now it's empty, and so you can put whatever you want in there.

And it doesn't even have to be 90s related. It could be a necklace. It could be a wallet, a nice wallet with monograms on it. It could be cash. $90. Wouldn't that be fun? It could be a box of dirt. If you know someone who's a dirt enthusiast or a gardener, it would make more sense. It could be worms. If you know a fisherman, it could be dirt and worms. If you know somebody who likes to fish and they like to get the worms themselves, but they don't have access to dirt.

There's no limit to what you can put in this box except for the size. So get the 90s lover in your life something that would fit inside that Tubi's 90s throwback box. Remember, if you're seeing this, it is still available. And if you see me and I'm singing some Katrina in the Waves, because I think that was the 90s,

then you got Catherine right in your sights. Don't you be? Welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. it is time for a guest. Oh, we have a guest in studio and That guest is with us now now as you know We scour the neighborhood the social networking application for neighborhoods to find interesting people to talk about Babe, what did you give him and we are doing that again this week? What did you give him if you see a post that you think we've missed, why don't you send it to us at bernandjohnandgmail.com.

Oh no, did you give him a monster red bull? Like this listener did, Andrew Mafesanti. Oh boy. He, Andrea Mafesanti. Okay, Bert. Ciao, Paisan. Bert, hey, just take a breath for a second. And here is the post.

I gave him two heaping spoonfuls of caffeine. Here goes that post, gang. Batten down the hatches. This is in the recommendation section. It was posted by someone named Tracy. Tracy says, hey, neighbors, do you have any real estate agents to recommend? My former agent was arrested by the FBI for some matters.

I need to sell my house now. Wow. And here to talk my house now. Wow. And here to talk more about this is. It's Tracy. Tracy. Hello. Hi Tracy. Hi. Yes. Tracy. Wow. Thanks for coming on.

Of course. Happy. And is this being recorded? It is being recorded. It's a podcast. Yeah. Is that okay? Well, that's fine. As long as it's not going out to, you know,

government sources. You know what, Burn? This is what, this is what. I'm being broadcast. We're's what you were gonna do. We're gonna jump right to my first question because Tracy's already acting in a way that I was wondering about. Because your post implies that might be something untoward

that your realtor is involved in, but why are you so worried about the government listening to you talk on this podcast? Well, you know people and their realtors have very close personal relationships. Well, now I'm not sure you know this, but I am a realtor. The top one. Well, yes, this is a large part of the reason I've come today. Oh, I wondered about this. Yes. So, all right. Let's let you talk some more then. Tell us your story.

So my so as you might imagine, my real estate agent has been arrested by the FBI. That's the for some matters, for some matters. Are you who is your real estate agent? It's Dick Van Dyke. And that's that's that's there's a realtor here named Dick Van, and his last name is Dyke. And it is a little confusing. His first name is Dick Van.

If you see it written down, it's easier to understand. But when you hear it, of course it sounds. He's very Dutch. He's very Dutch. So Dutch. He has a Van Dyke beard. Yes. He drives a van.

Yes, he does. And someone painted a dick on the side. It's not a hole that's leaking water. Yes, she's a realtor. He drives a van. Yes he does. And someone painted a dick on the side of it. It's not a hole that's leaking water. Yes, so you're familiar. You're very familiar. Yes, we all know Dick Van Dyke.

I am. I am. And here's the thing is that like there's been rumors swirling around Dick Van Dyke for a very long time, of course in the realty community, because he really is a real Dick Van Dyke. You know what I mean? Like to all of the ladies. Oh, I see. Like he sexually harasses real Dick Van Dyke. You know what I mean? Like to all of the ladies. Oh, I see.

Like he sexually harasses people? Well, yes, absolutely that. But also he's been known to like, you know, sneak in and do an open house when a family's just living there, not even selling the house. That's, that seems unscrupulous. That sounds like DVD to me.

That sounds like DVD to me. Classic DVD. But you know what? I think we all just sort of tried to distance ourselves from him. We wanted his license to be revoked. Different distance. Different distance.

That's what I'm trying to do right now. That's what I'm looking in the market. So I didn't hear anything about what actually went down with the FBI. Do you know anything about the some matters? Were you there when he was arrested? Good question, Bernd. Now legally, I'd have to say I wasn't, but I think, well, I don't know who's listening

to this, so I just have to be careful. But I mean, if he was arrested and you weren't, and it was the FBI who arrested him. Now, technically I'm not involved, but I think we can, amongst close friends here, we can say the reason I'm selling my house, I got to move. I got to move quickly out of the country. So when you say I have to sell my house now, you meant, you meant it. I was, I was going to ask, uh, it just says I need to sell my house now. I, I, were you planning on selling it before?

No, no, no. Yes. That's what, that's the sense I'm getting. Yes. Yes. Because the selling of the house is immediately connected to Dick Van Dyke getting arrested. Getting arrested. Exactly. Yes. Why? Are you afraid that Dick Van Dyke is going to come after you or do you feel like somehow

you were in any way guilty of what he was involved in? I think I'm, I definitely, and I don't want to indict myself here, but I definitely- Oh dear. This is, do you have legal representation? No. And if you have any recommendations, I'd be happy to take that. Did something happen to your lawyer as well? Yes, the CIA arrested him for some matters as well, yes.

And so I think essentially I've been in cahoots with a lot of different figures. I wouldn't use phrases like cahoots. Yeah, cahoots is never good. That's not helping your case. That is, it's such a specific. Legally binding. Look, I'll say this.

My time is coming. And so I'm just- Oh, what? What is that? I can- The net is closing? The net is closing. And I've come to terms with that.

The least I can do is sell my house as quickly as possible and see if I can get out of the country, find, um, what's it called when you had asylum? Yes. What's it called when you hire? I'd love to find asylum. Asylum on what grounds? Yeah. Uh, legal.

Oh, legal asylum. I don't know. What? Um, okay. Let's, let's pause for a minute. Let's go back. Yes. Were you born and raised here? Are you from dignity falls? Yes. Yes. Okay.

Born and raised bread. Yep. Matured. Sure. And who knows what else? In cahoots. Oh boy. I'm sorry. Married and divorced. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So do you have family still here? You have, you have children, you have your parents here. So who's here? I have children, my parents, you got everybody, everybody, my ex, my cousins, lots of cousins. Do you have children? Do you have your parents here? Who's here? I have children, my parents. You got everybody. You got everybody. The whole crew. My ex, my cousins. Oh boy.

Lots of cousins. Do you live alone? Aunt's, uncles. Aunt's, uncles. Do you live alone? Other than maybe I'm assuming hopefully the children are there sometimes? Occasionally, yes.

And ideally I need to- You've got court ordered occasionally. I've got court ordered occasionally. I have once a quarter. My kids are- Fiscal or annual? Once a fiscal quarter. I have once a quarter, my kids are allowed to visit me. Once a fiscal quarter, they're allowed to visit me. And I don't know, is everyone who comes on a good guy here on this podcast?

Well, to be honest, not at all. That's not one of the requirements. But what do you do for a living? Very nervous to ask this question. I, let's say you have a problem and you need it taken care of, right? Some matters, some matters. I could be the kind of guy who takes care of that for you. Okay. Oh no.

Let's say, let's say you're. Could you just name the matters? Like, please say something like, oh, you need more plumbing fixed or you need your car fixed. Say something like, oh, you're, you need more plumbing fixed or you need, uh, uh, your car fixed. Say something like that. Of course. Let's say someone, uh, someone's car isn't working and, uh, they don't want to, let's say they hit someone with their car. Oh boy. I don't want to say that. The car is working as a consequence of, of hitting someone with the car.

I'll come in and I'll fix the car. Okay. So you're, you have mechanic skills, mechanical skills. Yes. But you see now you think that's not that bad. Well, then when insurance comes knocking, they find nothing wrong. Am I a bad person in this situation? Cause I say nothing. I don't, I don't, I don't, I want to say nothing. Okay. So insurance inspects the car and they say, well, this car hasn't hit anyone. This car hasn't hit anyone because you made it look like nothing. Okay. So insurance inspects the car and they say, well, this car hasn't hit anyone. This car hasn't hit anyone.

Because you made it look like that. Exactly. I'm very good with fixing cars. Okay. I really feel like you wanted to say something other than fixing cars when you said that. And you looked dead into my eyes. I did. I'm locked in right now. You really are. And it's getting too intense. I'm going to break away for a minute. That's okay. And that's okay. I'll keep looking. I'm here whenever you need. That's very comforting. I'm going to break away from it. And that's okay. And that's okay. I'll keep looking. I'm here whenever you need

very comforting. And that's a service I'll offer. If either of you, you hit anyone with your car, you're not sure you want to deal with that. I'm not facing those problems right now. Okay. Good. That's some other problems. Thanks for the offer though. Sure. Thank you. It can happen out of the blue. Oh dear. You know, you're driving. It's not like we might get hit with a car. We've got cahoots coming out of the blue. So you are not going to be any more specific about what your job is.

Obviously you have to know that we're very aware now that you probably are in some sort of job as a quote unquote fixer who covers up crimes. Yes. Yeah, you're a criminal. Okay, so we got a bit. The net is closing. Yes, ha. The net is closing. The net is closing.

Yes, I understand the net is closing. Now, okay, well then, I guess it's basically the gloves are off now. Were you involved, were you and Dick Van Dyke working together on something? Yes. Okay. Okay, and is Dick Van still in custody? Yes, yes.

He's being held currently in a local FBI holding cell. Oh, local, that's nice. Yeah. Well, yeah, have you visited, in a local FBI. Oh, local. That's nice. Yeah. Well, yeah. Have you visited the, the local FBI? I have not been to that office. No, it's a gorgeous facility. You got to check it out.

They're trying to get more people. There's all these ads, visit your local FBI, you know, and they're trying to, I guess, get a more approachable sort of veneer. You wouldn't believe what they have at the food court there. The best, the cream of the they have at the food court there. The best cream of the crop. Really? Yeah.

Okay. All right. I'm sorry. Now I'm thinking about the food court and I know that was a distraction. What's your go-to at the FBI food court? Oh boy. Panda Express. They load it up.

They really do. They load it up. Oh did. They loaded up. Oh man. Yeah. Okay. So I'm sorry. Now I can't remember when you said yes, that you were doing something with Dick Van. Oh, and you were saying, is he being held?

He's being held at the local FBI. Why don't you, since we're basically just telling the truth now, what is it that the two of you were involved in? So as you're aware, of course you're in the Realty community. Okay. What is it that the two of you were involved in? So as you're aware, of course, you're in the realty community. OK. He was showing a lot of houses with people in them when they were not selling. And then what happens?

Oh, no. Someone's interested in buying. Oh, sure. These people need to be, and I'm going to put quotations around this, relocated. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho And someone has to do that. That's not pretty work.

It's not. I don't think anyone has to do it. No one has to do it. It could stop right there. These people are trying to buy a house. Okay. And, and you know, Dick Van Dyke has a, he has a, he has got a name to live up to. Okay. But my question is what's in it for you to, quote, unquote,

relocate these people? What would your incentive be to do this? What do you get out of it? Correct. I have some sort of pact with. Well, I think you should I think you should nail that down a little more than it being some sort of fact. I want to know. I want that in print, whatever it is. Can I be honest? I assumed it was money.

I do too, but I mean, I think it needs to be a little more concrete. It's a fiscal, uh, it is a legal pact. Legal. Okay. Yes, we do have a legal contract. It's a contract, but it's a legal contract. It's a legal contract. It's a fiscal contract. What's the wording on this contract? But it's a legal contract. It's a legal contract. It's a fiscal contract. What's the wording on this contract?

Good question. It's more so that if Dick Van Dyke is attempting to make, is it, what is it called, a sale in realty? No, it's a. Well, sure, you could say sale. Sale. Um. I am.

Well, I really think that, I thought that you'd know more. I thought Dick Van would know more in real estate terms. He does. I, see, that's the thing is, that's why I need a new real estate agent to sell my house. I always assumed he'd come through because that's not that's not my purview. My purview is the real estate. Making sure things look. So let's get back to what the wording is around what money you get.

Yes. the wording is around what money you get. Yes. It's a lot of treasury bonds. Oh boy. Oh no, no. T-bills. It's a lot of Bitcoin. Okay.

Oh, a lot of Bitcoin? A lot of Bitcoin. Oh, a lot of Bitcoin? A lot. Oh, a lot. Oh, Kobe is responsible for that. And so, you know, that kind of- That's a unit of measurement for Bitcoin. Yeah, lots, loads.

Okay, so this, I'm gonna tell you right now, doesn't seem like a great deal for you. Have you seen, have you done anything like this before where you actually had to, you had to go apparently not south and you certainly didn't get caught. Did you have any other transactions where you were successful and you got paid? Loads. Oh yes.

Oh you did. Yeah, payment comes in a quarter. Payment comes quarterly to me. I collect, it's been fun. I mean, I have, here look. Did you say it's been fun? He said it's been fun. I bet it's fun too. Are you not, do you not have a fun time when you see your, your,

your bill? It's kind of fun to get paid. Money show up in your account. Yes. But I like to know I came by it honestly, not, you know, having to quote unquote relocate somebody. Sure. I gotta be honest. If you came by dishonestly, I think that would be even more fun.

Well, it depends on how dishonest we're talking. If anybody else was, you know. So you agree there's a little bit of fun. You've never, you've never in your realty work, you've never, you know, someone close to you is trying to buy a house and there's someone who's outbidding them. But you know, you want your pals, you want your cohorts to, to ensure they close. I'm not following on who the pal are.

No, I'm very competitive. Oh, are you? Yes. Always be closing. Okay. Um, I, yeah, I wouldn't want to help anybody. I'm going to be very clear right now. I will absolutely not help you.

I will not help you. I'm so sorry. And I don't have anyone to recommend to you because that would come back around to me as well and my friends Would my colleagues would not be happy with me. Okay I'm not sure that you're going to be able to Since you're so worried. What do you think is out there that can incriminate you? Why are you so worried? My fingerprints are Never wore gloves if This is your job.

That's usually, you know, one of the- That seems careless. You know what, to be honest- I feel like anyone knows that. You know, crime 101, wear gloves. Wear gloves. And I should have come here earlier. Seems like you know a thing or two about crime 101.

I mean- Oh no, I mean, I just watch movies. Yeah, we're just going off of things that we've seen. Sure. Okay, good good Have you not seen any movies and we're not in the way in gloves No, I you know, I get jealous. I get jealous if I'm watching a movie with a criminal. They're doing a good job I am damn it Reaction, but an interesting reaction why him and not me boy Not me right there was another made up

Why him and not me? Why him and not me? Right. Even though they're made up. They're always just so good looking on screen. Oh yeah, the criminals are always good looking. Yeah. I'm sure you've noticed, nobody said anything. Oh, oh, he wants us to say he's good looking.

I think he wants us to say the opposite actually. He wants us to. I have no nose. And people normally don't like the sight of that People normally don't like the sight of that. They don't like the sight of that. It's uncommon. I wasn't going to bring it up. Yeah, well, of course not.

And I appreciate when you were looking at my eyes earlier. I could tell you were looking at my eyes. Okay, do you want to talk about what happened with your nose? To my nose? Yes. I guess. I guess if I have to. Okay. Well, what time, you know, not every,

not everyone who's being relocated is, is excited about it. Not everybody. Not everybody. Some people are excited about it. Sometimes you can make it sound, sometimes you can make it sound good. You know, sometimes you can,

you make it sound like this is good for them. What is the pitch? Like if I'm, if I'm someone who needs to be relocated. If you're asleep in bed and your beat's about to be woken up and told you need to be relocated, because I'm assuming this is when it happens, is in the dead of night. Yes, look, everyone has skeletons in the closet, right?

You're talking figuratively. Figuratively, sometimes literally, but in general figuratively, right? So you find your average Bob or Joe, your average Bill. I'm gonna pause you right there. Tracy, do you think it would be fun to have like a skeleton in your closet? To let people discover it?

You're asking me, just for fun. And see if they put it together. Yeah, just for fun. I'll throw it out to the whole room. Absolutely. You agree, Doug? Doug is a yes. Doug is a hard yes.

What a great joke. That's our producer, Doug. What a great joke. That's our producer Doug. What a great joke. Hey, that's a good, yeah, it'd be funny. I'd have a laugh when I'm there at night. I guess. I might get scared.

Now let's get back to them. Okay, I think that's good. Do you ever say, do you ever write out your nose like a N-O apostrophe S-E? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what,

what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, Right now I'm just saying are you making fun of me? Like I got no nose you could just shorten it like they got no nose No, I'm just trying to work this out in my head. Yeah, you're doing it out loud thing there I got no nose. I got no nose. I got no nose. Oh boy. I think we're getting lost in the weeds on nose. We really are. I also think it's, it's, it can only work written out, uh, much like Dick Van Dyke. I agree. So, so what, what happened to your nose?

Well, not everybody's happy. So I wanted you to make it sound like, well, some people are happy. What's the pitch to make people happy? You find so much skeleton in the in the closet They're figurative ones you bring it up to them. You say this isn't gonna look good. You know when the school board finds out What what you've been doing, okay, they freak out understandably so It's very frightening for someone to find your school. Okay, right and then you pitch them I got a great new place for you to go.

You have another realtor. You have another realtor. Uh oh, is that them coming? I feel like I heard another voice on my headphones. Some of the focus group people are. Oh, that's what it was? They're arriving. Oh my gosh, you're having them now?

They got here early, I don't know what to do. Oh my God, Is it even finished? Is the focus room even finished? I'll workshop the no-nos thing with them. There's no need to do that. That'll kill time, I guess. You've gotta warn me about this, cause you know, I'm nervous.

I'm gonna be taking this. I know, anytime a doorbell rings, I know you're probably freaking out. Okay, even just saying doorbell ring, wow. Okay, sorry about that. So we were back on the pitch, is that correct? Yeah, so you find these things that they've done. Yes.

School boards not gonna be too happy about this. You pitch them, I have a new place for you to move. Sometimes it's a lateral move. Sometimes it's a bit of a downgrade. Sometimes, hey, depending on where, it's an upgrade. Are you moving them within Dignity Falls? Generally, no. that's a no. Am I correct? There's only one school board here.

Yeah, yes. There's a school board that does a shadow board. The shadow board is for the religious schools. Gotcha. Yeah. So generally out, generally out to a different, different neighborhood completely. And that way they can, you know, start fresh. OK, so I'm shocked that you would just sort of sort of classify it as sometimes different neighborhood completely. And that way they can start fresh. It's kind of a win-win-win. I'm shocked that you would just sort of classify it as sometimes people are unhappy. You are absolutely extricating people from their homes.

You are renditioning them. It's extortion. And I don't think they're happy about you not exposing the skeletons. I think you leave them no choice. Yeah, I mean, do you have a weapon of some sort when you're doing this? Isn't the truth the greatest weapon of all? Never love when a question like that is answered with another question.

You never love that. And poetically too. Isn't the truth the greatest weapon of all? No, I'm a big guy. I mean, I'm a physically imposing guy. The no nose, the nose. That was for you, Doug. Doug, I hope you're happy. I didn't love it.

So then... nose. That was for you, Doug. I didn't love it. You'll have to forgive him. He's in a focus group room. He's in the he's in the mode. OK, so what happened? Someone obviously decided to fight

back. Well, yes, you know, not everyone has a skeleton. Some people are squeaky clean. OK, there there have been good their entire lives, nothing. I can't find anything. So you're really taking a flyer. Like you're, I would, I would,

I would make sure that the people did have skeletons in their closet before I went and tried to force them out of their own home. Well, you know, so sometimes, and this, I'm really gonna come off like a bad guy here. Sometimes you just have to, sometimes you just have to physically remove these people. Okay, this is what, I mean, this is, we all knew this.

So what happened? What did the person do? He had a knife. Oh, yeah. Sometimes it's that simple. Simple, and he got a good- Sometimes people have knives in the closet. Sometimes people have knives in the closet, and they whip them in the closet and they whip them out and they- there goes

your nose. Wow. Wow. And I can't be going to the hospital about that. I can't say- When was this? Why can't you? When was this?

Why can't you? I think about that a lot. Why can't you just say, somebody did this, they ran by and they did it to me? Yeah. They're just so- no, they're so guilty. Yeah. You don't have to tell them the truth. I know, but they feel so guilty. They feel like they're going to immediately,

the cops are going to be called. Is that what it is? Well, you know, in general, yes. In general, yes, you think the cops are going to be called. It never looks, it never looks like an accident or that it was unprovoked that someone got your nose. I guess that's true. I love it when you said someone got your nose

like the old game, you know, there's this sweet, innocent game where I got your nose and you just stuck your thumb through your finger. That's what this guy did. That's what he's after you're thinking, I got your nose said someone got your nose like the old game, you know, there's this sweet innocent game where I got your nose and you just stuck your thumb to your finger. That's what this guy did. That's what he's doing. I got your nose, I got your nose. I was screaming, bleeding from my face. And he's holding your nose.

Physically holding your nose. He's physically holding it. Wow. I got your nose. Just taunting you. And I hope this isn't insensitive, but did you catch the brand of knife that he was using because it sounds so sharp. It was very sharp.

You know, Wusthof Pro. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Fantastic. Fantastic kitchen knives. They're very expensive. Okay, guys.

Can we get back to the matter at hand? I want to know when this happened. This? No, this event. This event? This Dino thing. Yes. This happened a couple years back.

Okay, pause. You would think that that would have made you stop doing this. That's a good point, Joan. Yeah. So what was it that did not make you stop? Did you stop for a small time at all? Did you think, oh, I've got to change my life? To me, that feels like a real aha moment, as Oprah would say.

You know, now that you're saying it now, it seems like I should have stopped right then and there. But you know, when your nose is gone, it's like at that point, what else do I have to lose? Right? Oh, I mean, I would argue a lot, a whole lot. I would say quit while you're ahead. Ahead without a nose. Quit while you're most of ahead. Yeah. Well, you know, hindsight is 50-50 and if I could go back, there's a lot of changes that would have made. Do you think you're a good dad?

What's going on with your children? You forgot about the kids. The fact there's children involved in this. I mean, what do they think of the fact that you all of a sudden lost your nose? What did you tell them? They're not happy. Why do you think that you all of a sudden lost your nose? What did you tell them? They're not happy. Why do you think I'm seeing them quarterly? I know, but what did you tell them?

What did you tell your family? Look, you know, at the end of the day, I'll say this. I have provided all of my kids, they're set, Harvard, Yale. What does that mean? I mean, they certainly, you mean they've gotten in and they're going? They've gotten in, they're going, tuition, fully paid for.

Oh wow. Right? At the end of the day, this is the deal I made. They got in on their own merit. They got him because they have great grades and what do you think? Oh wow, that was so real. He's...

Oh wow. Ha ha ha ha ha. I guess, I guess I'm, the joke's on me. Are you really putting me in my place? So weary too. I guess I'm the jokes on me. Are you really putting me in my place? So weary too. So weary. What do you think?

I'm a fixer. It's really good. It's really good. First segment burnt. Where do you think Felicity learned it from? Felicity? You mean the show? Felicity Huffman.

Felicity Huffman. Felicity Huffman. Also don'tuffman. Felicity Huffman. Also don't forget William H. Macy. He was also on that show. Yeah, I mean he was around. He was around. He got off no problem. It takes two.

Yeah, it's a little strange. He was aware of everything. I appreciate you bringing that up. And look, I think about it all the time. Yeah. And look, I gotta say, if I don't, so not to bring it back to this, if I don't sell my house quickly

and get asylum, I'll be in a cell with Felicity soon. Why do you need to sell your house in order to go someplace else? I mean, sure you want to make money, but just leave. You're an expert on relocating people. Yeah, relocate yourself. You don't need a house. It's a good house. There's money to be made. Sure, but you need to let go of that, I think. If you need to just get out of here, leave the house. Why don't you put the D to the house in the kids' names? There you go. And then they can sell it at their leisure. Unless, unless, unless, Bernd, there's something with the house

and he doesn't want to leave that to his kids. Something under the house, something in the house. Now you know about this because this is what people do. This is what people do. People have a lemon of a house and they want to sell it and they don't disclose what the problem is. No, they don't disclose the ghosts. They don't disclose the Like bad foundation

Faulty wiring right to ghosts You wouldn't believe how many times people don't disclose ghosts. You're supposed to in Dignity Falls. That's true and he falls. That's true. We're the only name that has a ghost disclosure policy. Not just that someone died, but are they still currently haunting? Yeah. So what is up with the house?

What's up with the house? What's wrong? Well, there is- Answer it. Huh, what was that? Answer her question. Answer her question. There are a few ghosts.

There are a few ghosts which- A few. Quite a few. How big is this now? You know the Victorian? The big one on that. Oh, that's you. Oh, wow. It's called the Victorian, actually has a sign outside

that says the Victorian. People always think it's a bed and breakfast. That's what I thought. Oh God, I gotta turn those people away left and right. You could just take the sign down. You could take the sign down. But how would people know what the house is then? You could also remove at least the picture of the bed

and the egg. Yeah. The bed and the egg. Yeah. And the open now. Yeah, I have my hours. I have my hours on it. Nine, nine, nine. Just for safety perspective, I don't think you should

emphasize the hours you're at home. I know a question of safety isn't really in this situation. Doesn't really mean much for our guests here. There's a question of safety isn't really, in this situation, doesn't really mean much for our guests here. Well, there's a lot to consider. Okay, okay. So you're saying it's just ghosts. I feel like that's just an easy answer.

What is? What is wrong with the house? Well, yes, ghosts. My fingerprints are all over it as well. I mean, that's okay. I don't know why that'll, my fingerprints are all over this house. That's not such a big deal.

That's not an impediment to selling the house. It's not. Certainly not. But it's a worry of mine, you know. That's not such a big deal. That's not an impediment to selling the house. It's not. Certainly not. But it's a worry of mine, you know. What's under the house? What's in the yard? What's in the attic? Now look, you might be thinking,

surely I've killed somebody. Yes. Yes, absolutely. Believe it or not, no. And I can say that with confidence. With confidence. I could say that. If not pride.

You could say with confidence. He looked up to the left when he said it. But. But. I, are you an expert lie detector? I've watched a lot of movies. Okay, good. You know that looking left is lying, looking right is remembering.

Right. That's right. That's what I meant to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, so you say you haven't killed anyone. You can say that with confidence. I feel like you're, is it possible you could say with equal confidence that you have not caused

someone to die? Oh, interesting. You threw him a curve ball. Look, I'll say without confidence that I don't think that that's happening. Okay. Okay, all right. I guess I appreciate the honesty.

Then okay, that doesn't sound like a reason why, those ones are like reasons why you can't just leave the house. Like I think you would have a hard time selling the house because of the ghost thing, because as we know, you have to disclose that. And a lot of people will not buy because of that. I would just leave it, someone will take it over

and they'll make a bed and breakfast. Honestly, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Who cares? You think I'd get any commission on that? I think you don't want any money involved with this. I think you should leave and you're going to have to start a life someplace else. I hate this. I hate this for your kids. I don't like this at all. I don't know that you want to tie yourself to anything here.

No. Okay. Because especially if you're, you're, you're looking to, if you're seeking what you call legal asylum, which I guess would involve you going to another country and saying, please, can I be here because they're going to arrest me in my country? I don't know that a lot of countries are gonna say sure. Yeah, I don't either.

Really? Yeah. This is news to me. But you see the flaw in this plan, right? What happened with Julian Assange? I've kind of been thinking, I follow in his track, Snowden. Right. In this case though, you could argue they had certain information.

There was something that captured the imagination of everybody, which is why it made sort of ... What I mean to say is I'm not sure they were going around relocating people from their homes. I don't think you're gonna find anyone that's gonna say, free Tracy. Right, thank you, Bert, you put it perfectly. I mean, everyone who would say it is currently in lockup. Unfortunately.

That's too bad. All my cohorts, all my goons. Local lockup? All your goons? Yeah, all my goons, all my cohorts. Goons? Goons. So you have cohorts, then my goons, local lockup, all your goons. So you have, you have cohorts, then you have goons who are your sort of, uh, your henchmen.

Yeah. Yeah. They're all, they're all hockey players. Yeah. They're all in lockup. It's not such a big deal. Just a coincidence, right? It's not such a big deal. Just a coincidence, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess in the end, I think the clear answers we have for you is no, I will not help you sell your house.

Furthermore, I don't think you need to sell your house. Okay. Third of all, I don't think you should sell your house. Oh. But we know that you should relocate yourself. It's what you do best. It's funny that we're talking a lot about the house sale as if that is the most pressing issue.

I know. Certainly to me it is. No, understood. And we did invite you on the show. That was just someone else arriving. That was someone else arriving. More focus groupers. How many are there up there now, babe?

I've heard all sorts of commotion. 14, 15. Oh, that is a big focus group. It's too many. Yeah. I'm not happy about it. What would be the ideal number? Zero. I don't want this to happen.

Okay. I think I've been clear. Okay everyone, you're about to see a clip. Are you doing it right now? Baby, you're recording our podcast still. You can't do that. I hope you're comfortable with nudity. You're not supposed to set it up. Like you're supposed to,

they're supposed to watch it without anyone trying to like easily understand what it's just a clip. I only asked them if they were comfortable with nudity. That could be any, you know, it could be anything. Hey, look, not to, not to offer. I'm sorry. What do you mean? That could be anything.

It doesn't necessarily mean it's in this clip. Of course it does. Unless you're about to get any. Unless I got nude. Doug, please don't do that. Please don't do that. At least turn your volume down while you're doing the focus.

Oh yeah, no problem. You know when people come into a room and immediately your first question is, is everybody okay with nudity? Cause here I go. All right, Tracy. We can't help you. We can't help you.

And in fact, I just think we should probably have you leave before we get in trouble. We're going to give you a head start. I mean, you know, if you don't leave now, we're going to have to call the authorities. Absolutely. I will say this, we'll release this episode. And if by some chance somebody listening to this wants to buy the authorities. I will say this, we'll release this episode. And if by some chance, somebody listening to this

wants to buy that house. Oh, what street is it on? It's on. It's on one of the trees, right? Yeah. Oh, the Victorian, yeah. It's on not Acacia, but it's on, is it on pine? Is it on fur?

Is it on Christmas? It's on Christmas. Yeah. It's on Christmas drive. Okay. Look, I, and thank you for that kind offer. Thanks for giving me the head start, you know, I appreciate it. Of course. Now I know neither of you want to offer your services to me. Let me go ahead and say I'm free and available to offer my services to either of you.

If anyone in this focus, focus group going on, I would prefer you not go talk to any of them in there. If you need anyone taken care of. Nope. When am I getting that Billy taken care of? Birds don't even put the idea out there. Okay. You don't want to be recorded saying that. Billy would snatch.

No, what? Billy would snatch. Billy would. But no, no. I think you just need to get out of town. Okay. He had a twinkle in his eye, like for the love of the game. Maybe I know this Billy. Oh boy. How, how tall is the Billy?

You know, better get Billy a head start. He's tall. Oh dear. Tall, tall, tall, tall. Oh no. Six, seven, six, eight. Six, eight. Oh wow. There you go. Okay. Okay. We normally say best of luck to you. I don't even necessarily, I don't think it feels right to say that. Best of luck to your family is what I'm going to say. I really hope that they can move past this. Because without a doubt you have shattered their lives. Like they're set, Harvard, Yale, Princeton. Full rise. I still don't know if that necessarily means, I don't buy that his, I feel like his kids are young.

I don't think they're at Harvard or Yale. I would also just a parting word of advice. I would consider some kind of cover for the hole in your face because it's deep. You would think that after years, you'd get a prosthetic of some sort. We can see right through and it's a little disconcerting. Yeah, it really is.

It works for my line of work, but I guess in my social settings, it could be a good prosthetic to have. Yeah. I think so. I think so. All right, Tracy, well, you have, I'm gonna say five minutes. Okay, okay, good.

Before we make a call. Okay, good. All right. Well, bon voyage. More when the neighbor listens, returns. Hi, this is Jennifer. I have a decorative pillar candle with Stan for $20. Lark candle with believe charm on it. I just don't anymore, you know, I just don't believe in the world.

I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world.

I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world.

I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe in the world. I just don't believe charm on it. I just don't anymore, you know? I just don't believe. I'm sorry, please don't at me. I just, I lit this candle every single day and all I got was a wax allergy. So I believe in that. If you could come get this for me, please, I need $20. Oh, almost forgot my headphones.

Oh, babe, did you forget your headphones? Boy, we really are all out of sorts from that. At least you seem a lot more alive and awake burnt. I mean, I was, but- Oh no, he's back down. It really took it out on me. I mean, well, I don't doubt straight up criminal. He was a straight up criminal.

By the way, we did call the police. Yes, we did. I mean, again, it's a false police. So who knows? They also said we'll give him head start. We might as well call a veterinarian. I mean, that guy, he was a bad guy. He was a bad guy. And not smart.

Why is he worrying so much about selling his house? With a hole in his nose. Hole in, I mean, hole for a nose. Oh boy. Babe, is the focus group over? What happened? No, they want to watch it again. They said they didn't get enough.

They said, Didn't get enough? Did you say didn't get enough? They sound like creeps. They just want to see their creeps. How old are these people? I was going to say, what's the demographic? You covered their eyes.

How did you cover their eyes? I kind of jumped in front of the screen and blocked some of the, what are you doing? So you covered the screen, not their eyes. What is going on? What are you doing? He's just trying to protect me. He's very afraid that they're going to be mean.

Like I said, he's regretting that he agreed to do this. Everything about this is wrong and ill-conceived. Wow. I've had- Okay, Bert, you know what? We should just- Bert, I think you're just tired. Let's just read a post and then get you to bed

because this is just- I wish I could go to bed. I have to go back to work. Oh my gosh, I'm a straw head? They've all rated it eight just tired. Maybe it's just tired. Maybe it's just tired. I wish I could go to bed. I have to go back to work. Oh my gosh. On the straw head? They've all rated it eight to 10. No one was below seven. Because the twins did the rating.

So who knows if they did it correctly. Good question. I don't know. Does it go up to triple digits? Probably. Oh my God. No, they like it. They like it.

I think it's promising. I think this focus group's going well. Well, I don't want the scene in there so tough. You should not have agreed to that scene. I know. Well, I didn't really. They did. Most of the hidden camera. I have to make the eyelashes. I'm sorry. What about your eyelashes?

I have to make the eyelashes for the straw man. Oh, God. What are they? And they're made. It's all made out of straw. You get two different things like the rose pretty. I like it. It's a rose pretty but half of it is always like Spanish moss. I can use straw and I can also use vines. Vines, okay.

All right, we don't sound happy about it. Here we go. We've got an app, this is a really quick post. Posts like this always just kind of are so curious to me. This is from Eddie. Here's a, well, here's a picture. I'm just going to show it to you, Berndt. Okay?

Okay. I will describe what I'm looking at. It looks like a shower and a sink. That's right. It says drain cleaning slash, slash clogged drains. That's it. That's it. That's it. It's so unclear because is he saying that he's got clogged drains?

Is he saying, I will fix your clogged drains? Is he saying I'm drain cleaning? It doesn't look like- If you have a clogged drain, okay, here's my justification for the picture. And Eddie, if you're listening, maybe this helps. Eddie buckle up because he's about to unleash on you. So either Eddie is offering to his services to fix a clogged drain and he has the picture to indicate I'm not talking about pools or something that's

in the street. These are the kind of drains I do. But he's also not saying, he also doesn't specify sink or shower. So yes, maybe that's why the picture, but that's also, again, it's all terrible. And if he wants it cleaned, I guess it's the same reason. It's like, here's the drains that I need cleaned.

Can you come do this? Right, and either way, that is the most lazy kind of post possible, whether or not you want business or are seeking someone's business. It's, you know what it is. I shouldn't have picked this one for today because this would annoy the heck out of you.

I'm already weary and this guy is wearying me even further. Eddie, get your head out of your ass. You further wearied Berndt, how dare you? I hope you go to hell. Okay, no, this is you always go too far. Berndt, you always go too far. And obviously after talking to Tracy, too many people have dropped dead.

So we need to not have more of that. I didn't drop dead. Okay, well, we're not gonna, Bert needs to go take a nap. And I'm going to make you, I'm not gonna let you go back to work right now, just so you know. Okay?

I mean, you're welcome to try. I mean, I could be like a raccoon in a corner and, you know. See, babe, if we had a room with like things in a kid's room, like a dark, you know, ceiling full of stars. This would be very comforting to burn right now. Well, he'd fall right asleep. He's gotta get back there. You know I find space terrifying.

You had an old prospector's voice at this point. You know, you never fall around and leave. And I don't find space comforting. I find it very scary. Oh, like. It's a lonely place. Like when William Shatner went up there. Yeah. Yeah.

And you know what? I got it from that comment. I was fine with space until he said, I always thought I wanted to go. Right. Doesn't that make sense? If he says that, he's gotta be right. And it's what we would all feel.

Hehehehehe. I thought it was amazing that it took him that whole trip to get out there before he realized it might be kind of lonely. Yeah, I've always felt like it would be lonely. Maybe he was reading a magazine on the way up and he didn't look out the window. I just think you mean his whole life, right?

Or you meant just on the ride up. I mean, I don't think it takes that, I don't think it takes to actually go into space to realize some of those things. I think he would feel that working on shit my dad says. Remember that? Yeah, I did. I thought it was funny.

I held it against the show that it was based on a Twitter account. Oh my gosh. And I still do. Fair enough. Fair enough. All right. Well, everybody, I'm going to sign off for us. Was there anything else that you wanted me to say, Burns?

Do I need to remind people of- Feel. Oh, sorry. That was the last thing I wanted to say, Burns? Do I need to remind people of what? Oh, sorry. That sounds like that was the last thing I wanted to say. Feel was forever ago. I guess tell people about how to get the bonus content. Yes, you can go to. I've never done this before. What do I say?

Come on, Joan. You've heard me do it so many times. Bang Bang World, is that what it's called? Yes. OK. Once again, we don't know what it is. We don't know what it is. If you wanted to sign up for the bonus room episodes, you could do that. You'll find that we have all sorts of things, movie watch along, somehow other podcasts get in there,

we don't know how. And you already told them about the email if they see a post that they, okay, all right. Well, you know what I think? How do they get the access though to the stuff? Oh, I don't remember. Go to cbbworld.com. Right.

Oh, thanks. Sign up for the Maximus plan. That's right, Maximus. Don't know what that means. Don't know what that means. We don't know what any of it means. Some kind of Roman Colosseum reference. Everything on CBB World and you get our bonus episodes,

which are exclusive. What else is on CBB World? Oh, it's something, which are exclusive. What else is on full length world? Um, it's something called freedom, I think. Right. Something called freedom. Uh, why don't they say freedom? Um, sex podcast. Yeah.

Freedom. What? No, it's not. I think it's supposed to be freedom, but there's probably three of them. Scott hasn't seen. I don't know. Why are you coming down on me? I'm we're not. We're not. Scott hasn't them. Scott hasn't seen. I don't know, why are you coming down on me? We're not, we're not.

Scott hasn't seen? Scott hasn't seen. Who cares? Oh boy, well apparently a lot of people, a lot of people. A lot of stuff I haven't seen. Yes, it's very popular. I guess you have to know who Scott is.

He's got a British guy on there with him. What hasn't he seen? I guess, I mean a lot of things, fried green tomatoes for one. He should start watching our watch-alongs. Oh, that guy, it's that guy? Oh, now tomatoes for one. Well, he started watching our watch alongs. Oh, that guy? It's that guy? Oh, now you know him.

Yeah, because we did his podcast. Yeah, that's right. I don't know. Good luck, everybody. Oh, there it is. Good luck, everybody, and bye. And goodbye. All of the posts used in this episode were real.

Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by R2 Nazareth. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World.

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes, exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.