The Neighborhood Listen - In The Midst Of These Crazy Times with Hannah Pilkes

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

Burnt proposes a new History Channel show and Joan grapples with reality vs reality, while Doug's new "room" might be his most ridiculous endeavor to date. Guest Gwen Whispers (Hannah Pilkes) comes in to discuss a child's lost turtle.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to the entire ad-free archive as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHalf app and us. Burn.

And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen. What? Do you think it's an issue for them?

Well, it's just I got a new dishwasher and this is thank you. You're welcome. I was I was proud. Well, you should be. It's a big move. You know what I mean?'s kind of well i'm what am i talking about everyone else does all the work but but it's just it's listen to that i just never i it was it was supposed to be a quiet one and this thing over here is just trying to be the main character well you know it's not it's a little quieter if i may than your old dishwasher well i mean then isn't that saying something that's crazy?

It was so loud. You were, I believe you were tricked, right? Because it was a whirlpool, but with three O's. Yes. I believe it's like a Dutch whirlpool. It's like a. There was a tiny umlaut. Vanipool.

Yes. Verpool. Verpool. But it was supposed to be like more sustainable. Honestly, it sounded like a person in there who was actually washing dishes. There was so much clanking and clinking. And cursing. Clanking and clanking, cursing.

There was noises that came out of it that sounded like someone. And cursing. What is that? Wishing and hoping and waiting or something? That's right. Wishing and hoping and scheming. That's right. And scheming.

Scheming. Scheming? Oh, scheming. I and hoping and skimming. That's right. And skimming. Skimming? Scheming? Oh, scheming. I think it was scheming. Oh, no. Were they scheming? Well, they just say barely. Well, in that movie, they were.

Boy, oh, boy. I wonder if that movie holds up. People were divided. That movie divided everybody. We're talking about. Hi, everyone. By the way, this is The Neighborhood. Listen.

We should introduce ourselves. Was it a movie called Scheming or a dishwasher movie? No, neither. You know, the one with Julia Roberts. My Best Friend's Wedding. My Best Friend's Wedding. I'll say a little bit for you. And Adi DeFranco did a cover of that song and that opens that movie.

Is that so? Yes, yes. Look it up. What a strange. I will not do that, but. Somebody will. I understand the impulse. Okay, yes, we should introduce the show.

Yeah, I am Joan Pedestrian. Hi. Hi, I am Burt Mia Payday. We are friends and neighbors. impulse um okay yes we should introduce the show yeah i am joan pedestrian hi hi i am burnt me a payday uh we are friends and neighbors yes true in the neighborhood of dignity falls and this is our podcast the neighborhood listen and what we do is we um we we look at uh life in our neighborhood and share it with you that's it yes yes Yes. Yes. That's a great pitch. I would buy that. If this wasn't a podcast, I'd buy it right now on the spot.

So we're covered either way. Either way. We do exist. And if we didn't, then you would buy it. Yeah. That's a relief. Isn't it? Now, what occasioned the purchase of the new dishwasher?

And what brand is it? Well, again, because it was just so loud. It was so loud. And it also wasn't really getting the dishes clean, you know? Oh, well, you can't have that. Well, there's this whole thing where you're supposed to put them real dirty, you know, because the dishwasher likes something to work off of, right? Yes.

You have to give the dishwasher a task. But the problem was, and of course, Doug, he can chime in here. My husband, Doug. Doug's our producer. You know, he took that to like the nth degree. Like, I mean, he was leaving like full, it was almost a full plate of food in there, you know, that Didn't you tell me you put a whole cake in there one time? He did!

And he thought, well, it'll have something to work off of. And I said, well, it doesn't need to eat the cake. Nobody had even had a slice of the cake. No, he just put it in there. He said, this'll work. I read that you don't have to rinse anything off the plate it's actually good right it's good for it yes the enzymes when we start talking about it like it's a sentient being it's good for the dishwasher it needs its cake cake has enzymes no of course cake has enzymes. Sure, sure, sure.

We don't need to get into the enzymes of it all. No, no, no. And I do believe that cake has enzymes. But I think that when people say that, they say that you're not supposed to rinse the plate. Like spin straight up clean. You're not supposed to make it absolutely like...

What was that? You know, that's the sound of the squeaky thing. That's pretty good, Joe. straight up clean. You're not supposed to make it absolutely like... What was that? That's the sound of the squeaky thing. That's pretty good, Joan. Thank you. I did not know you did sound effects. Didn't know that. I had that one in my roster. Gotta add it to the special skills on the resume. It's in the

roster for sure. And what other... Offhand, can you think of any other sound effects that you could do? Oh boy. Okay, let me think um my alarm clock okay maybe not that's a clock that just sounds like a robot what what uh what kind of it's a clock it's not like a phone no no i'm just talking about my iphone no it is i did a terrible job you put me on the spot burnt and now i need to run through the roster of sound effects that i did not intend for this to be a gotcha and i apologize it was a real gotcha moment i thought we were having fun okay so babe why first of all where are you where are you today what room are you in today, Doug?

I'm in the Sizzler. What? What does that mean? Oh, boy. It's an incredibly recreated Sizzler. Listen to me. If there's anyone who loves all-you-can-eat shrimp, it is my husband. That's right. And where do you go for all-you-can-eat shrimp?

Sizzler. Yes, but now our house. But, yes, all-you-can-eat shrimp definitely sizzles. Sometimes Red Lobster will offer all-you-can-eat shrimp, and you're like, uh-uh. sizzler yes but now our house well yeah you don't see him much anymore definitely sometimes red lobster will offer all you can eat shrimp and you're like uh-oh nope i'm going to the steak one so he created listen he created a whole buffet uh he made a sizzler he made he made a sizzler in the house he made a sizzler in the house wow uh made a sizzler in the house. He made a sizzler in the house. Wow. We had to hire a cook. What?

Why? Okay. Now, look, I don't normally question these things. You know me. Well. I don't know if I questioned the cigar store. I think I just, I rolled with that. But I don't.

What is that laughing? Well, just what we said at the same time. You said I rolled with that it's cigars rolling you know you know anything couples couples brain but it is couples brain i get that for sure um but but but but but but but this now you are you are hiring employees to work i do think this is a step too far this is a step too far. This is a step too far. Yeah. Because now, yeah, right. Now I have, I had to get extra insurance for this room. Oh no.

I did. And, uh. W-9s are involved now. I wish you didn't invite the health inspector. I had to. I just don't think we had to do that. I had to. It has been, to be honest, for all the rooms we've done,

this has been the most stressful room because you're right. I can imagine. It's like owning a business. I own a franchise now. And is there just the one chef in the sizzler kitchen there? Because you're not just, when you build a sizzler, that's not just a room. That's what I say.

Speaking of couple's brain, we did not have couple's brain on this particular project because we got the cook in the back but he just added I just went up there about a week ago he added the what's the name for the person who cuts the meat for you under the red lamp the butcher does he have a fancier name you know

like a buffet when there's a man who actually has the white hat yes yes he added that he thinks that's one of the coolest things ever is when there's a man cutting your meat. You what? What, Doug? I had him grow a mustache.

You had him grow a mustache. That was really the only requirement. Which is definitely encroaching on his just basic human rights. I mean, I don't, I have a lot. I have to get an HR department. Right now it's me. You know what's funny?

It's like, usually they want you to cut your hair or shave rather than grow a mustache. Basically what this Sizzler is is an amalgamation of all the best food buffets that Doug has ever been to. Now, he loves Sizzler and it was just an easy catch all name. So he's put his own spin. Yes.

Well, because again, Sizzler doesn't really have that guy who cuts the meat, you know, but we went to one restaurant one time for Christmas. I don't know. There was this restaurant called the Magic Pan. They don't have it in town anymore. Oh, no. But it was. The Magic Pan has closed? It was crepes. I didn't know this. was this restaurant called the Magic Pan. They don't have it in town anymore. Oh, no. The Magic Pan has closed? It was Crepes.

I didn't know this. There was a Crepes station and a Bananas Foster station. I'm sorry to break it to you, Bert. All the stations are gone? The stations are gone. But it was at Crepes. I loved it, too. I wish I'd gone more. They made their own Starburst for you.

Yes, they did. I remember remember that they did that you had to order they said order now because it takes an hour and 10 minutes yes you had to order your homemade starburst yes and then they put them in a bag just a couple i wonder if they just bought starburst put them in i think they did someone back there was unwrapping all of them and putting them back in the wrappers that said magic pan. Right. And out back, there's just a pile of orange and green. They would throw them in the pan, though.

I saw them tossing a Starburst in the pan like a. That sounds made up. They were pan fried the Starburst. Pan fried Starburst? I saw. Sounds like another one of his fantasies. Another one of his fantasies. Well, I'm telling you. So he's got. Another one of one of his fantasies another one of his fantasies well i'm telling you so he's got another one of doug's food fantasies at a crepe station i said no we can't afford it

yeah we we literally we're losing money right now you would have to be i mean there's only there's only right now how many of you are living in the house right now uh okay well july b's back from australia okay she went and did a like a little homesteading situation where she was on a farm homesteading and uh well that's what they call it these days oh where they go over there and you you do manual labor you write and you're living off the land and whatnot and um fun white moms on instagram love it uh anyway so um so so basically uh she's back uh the twins are oh no how about that sound effect wow i we have to unpack this of course but uh the twins uh matt and uh geppetto matt matt and Geppetto, yes. And so what kind of state are they in now?

Are they back home? They are. They are supposed to be in our state and they're supposed to be in our home, but they're pranking us. Oh, as we speak. Yes. In progress.

You're talking to me from inside this prank. Yes. In progress. You're talking to me from inside this prank. Yes. It's been going on for three weeks. They have not been home. I know they could even be in the house. I know they love Halloween. It's their favorite time of year. Sure.

Of course. And every year the pranks get crazier. Remember one of them was just putting stacks of rocks outside the house. I do remember that. I do remember that i do remember that and we didn't know what it was i thought it was aliens i started with a feather i believe yes waiting for you to notice the feather outside the house and then the stacks just got closer and closer and closer and bigger and bigger but it was terrifying yeah my own children so it's the unknown.

It's the terror of the unknown. Of course. And the unexplained. Exactly. This is why we fear death and we shouldn't. I was going to say UFOs, but okay,

birth, death, yes. I mean, that is also absolutely fair. That's fair. You know, my mother used to say, if the UFOs come, I'm going with them.

Wait, are you serious? Oh my goodness, that's amazing. I know other people like that. Do you really? Yes, I do. Yes, she used to say, if they come, I'm getting on that ship.

You'll never see me again. That's so sad. Did you think, my goodness, why would you stay with us, mom? I just thought, I get it. It'd be fun. It sounds like fun. You know how young those people were in Cocoon? You know how much younger they are than us probably now?

They were playing those old people. It's very upsetting to think about. I was thinking about Close Encoun of the third kind and you were thinking about cocoon absolutely do they go anywhere at the end they don't go anywhere they do they do but yet spoiler alert everybody i haven't seen that movie since it came out they do they go up at the end yeah they all get it they leave i think steve gutenberg goes too they feel like they learned how to break dance and then it's like well what what is left for us here yeah we might as well go to the stars here yeah we're break dance and then it's like, well, what is left for us here? Yeah, absolutely what is left for us here.

Yeah, we're in our 50s. It's over. Who didn't want to do it? Wilford Brimley? Oh no, it's very sad. There's a wonderful actress named Hair to Wear. She played Rose. She didn't believe in it.

Named who? Hair to Wear? Her name. Okay, you know what? If you don't know how to spell it, that name sounds crazy. The spelling makes it totally normal. That sounds like another business that we could start.

I mean, it's a great pseudonym for an actor. Hair to wear. Okay. It's spared. It's spared. Okay. It's spelled H-E-R-T-A and pronounced hair to and then W-A-R-E. H-E-R-T-A and pronounced Hertha and then W-A-R-E. Vell pool! Yes. And she was the old lady. She would not get in the pool. Yes. And the husband,

the alien denier, I think his name is Bernie. And it's very sad. And she dies and then he tries to take her into the pool. Idiot. He's such an idiot. But so young. I really, I think that they were all very, very. About 41. Yes.

At death's door. Death's door, it's all over. So, yes, okay. So that was very, it's very, I guess you understood your mom wanting to leave. I don't know if I would. I couldn't do it. Then again, then again, you know,

I wouldn't have to live this awful terror every Halloween of what my kids are going to do to me. So what they did is they just disappeared. Okay, not a trace, not a sound. Okay. Not an indication. They, their cars, they, we keep finding their cars in weird places in town. Really? Yes. What are some of the weird places in town that you found their cars? I guess, I guess in my mind, any place that's not in our driveway is a weird place to find their car. Absolutely. But to be fair, yes. One was in the, you know, sort of like just right in the entrance of a Target.

Real problem. Sure. Are you talking about the driveway entrance or you're talking about the door? I'm talking about those actual slanted doors. By the way, could I just have a... Could I just make a gripe real quick oh sure is it just me or every time i walk into a target somehow it's the exit doors and i'm not supposed to be there i feel like every door at target is the exit door and you can't go in is it just me i'm always entering the wrong way it's a very

specific gripe joke wow i really thought that was going to land with someone. And it does sound like a user error. It's going to resonate with somebody. I don't know what Target could do about that. They have too many exit only doors. That's what I'm saying. Are you not able to get inside the Target?

No, it just says you can't. And then you're like, well, I don't want to be the asshole. But then you go in anyway. Well, and then my, and then in the end my my kids parked their car in it so i guess i i guess that was the ultimate sideways or do you hear that oh my word i know i mean it could be them i real honestly babe you're not wrong it could be them do you

think they're hiding in the dishwasher it's's a dummy dishwasher? Yes, it could be. Listen to that. They're just trying to mess with me. So, I mean, at any given moment, I'm just ready for them to pounce. You know, so when you ask me. Oh, what will they do? They'll just jump out at you like, ah! I don't know.

They've done that before. Sure. They have done that before. One of them buried himself alive for a month. Buried him? He buried himself alive for a month. So, his twin did not even assist in this they did separate pranks they did well here's what happened so they did a they did a prank together

they did a joint prank right and then and then matt was the one who came out you know in terms of like okay i'm back and the prank is over and then he was like where's gebetto i'm concerned you know he played into it like as if he didn't know what was going on double prank at double prank and uh it was in the you know doug always makes those silly tombstone decorations for halloween with a very funny you know here's a dead fred big old stone dropped on his head or whatever one year he did like actual neighbor's names with dates. And they were upset.

Future dates. And specifically how they died. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I remember people were very upset. And you know what? Three of them came true.

Like to the day. Specifically too. Yeah. Like just, I mean, honestly, that's why we don't do it anymore. That's right. And the other reason is Geppetto had buried himself under one of the fake tombstones. Right. Smart.

Right. Yeah, I guess. Also horrible for me because we like to keep our decorations up. We like to do Halloween right into Christmas. So we do Halloween all through November. Yeah. No Thanksgiving. We don't take anything down.

No. No. No. For so many reasons. Yeah. And so. What's your midpoint again from when it shifts to Halloween to Christmas? You mean, oh, right when we switch from Halloween to Christmas?

Yes. November 30th, baby. November 30th. So Halloween all through November. That's right. Yeah. And then December 1st, boom. Boom.

Santa inflatables, everything. And we paint some of any leftover pumpkins. We paint white and we make them into pumpkin snowmen.'s actually really adorable i can't fault that but thank you uh but anyway so that's why i didn't you know i didn't think anything of it and i i do tend to the decorations i'm doug and i argue about this but it is excessive okay i don't know if you've noticed but they come out with starting to sell so many different colors of pumpkins yes you have them all yes and the gourds and uh it's just a proliferation of the ones with the hideous

wash yes yes why is that bumpy i don't know i i really don't know we didn't need to see that what does that say about us burt what's wrong with a bunch of pestules on a pumpkin it's bad it says that we don't want to see that just because we've decided it's bad but maybe it's beautiful but if people but it's not, Joan. I'm trying to make a point. But if people have pustules, something is wrong. Is it your pharmacist? Is it pustules or pestules?

Pustules. P-U-S. I still can't tell. Oh, P-U-S. Oh, neither vowel. Boy, was I wrong. But pharmacists do use pestles. Pestles.

That's what I'm thinking of. A mortar and pestle. Oh, a mortar and pestle. Yes. Okay. That would be such, there's a very good tongue twister in there somewhere. Oh, I know. An apostle with a pestle for a pestle.

It's like Danny Kaye, the Inspector General. A movie that was on TV every Sunday for most of my life. Oh, I love Danny Kaye. I just love him. Do you really? I do. They don't make them like that anymore. It's so true.

They make them like my son who a month into tending to the fake graves just popped out and grabbed my ankle one day. Oh, perfect. I was almost in the grave myself. That's the way to do it. My God, from shock. Yeah, if you're going to do it, that's the way to do it. So this is what I'm saying.

I don't know where they're going to come from. I don't know when it's going to be. It could be in the middle of the night. It could be in the middle of the night. It could be in the middle of this podcast. Who knows? Anytime. And again, because of the way we celebrate Halloween, it could last until November 30th.

I hadn't even considered that. Well, most people don't. So, anyways, back to this business i'm running with a babe i think i'm just gonna say it right now we're not gonna have a crepe station i can't do it we're not gonna do it okay we got so far away when you said this business i'm running i had no idea what you were talking about yeah i didn't i didn't either like you did yeah he's still in there i was just playing along are Are you eating right now,

babe? Are you eating? Well, yeah. I forgot to eat. How did you forget to eat? You're in a restaurant. Well, I'm eating now because I forgot to eat before. Oh, okay. Right. Okay. He always forgets to eat before we start. So you are eating. In answer to the question, are you eating? The answer is yes. Yes.

When Doug answers, he answers for himself from the beginning of the day right he is thinking well that didn't get to answer you know what that doug didn't get to answer the question that's how he thinks of it he thinks of morning doug as a different doug he's changed so much and so he refers to him as that doug i mean there is a certain there's a certain um i think wisdom to that yeah there's a little philosophical I think, wisdom to that. Yeah, there's a little philosophical. I'm a different person than I was.

I'm not sure we can apply that to the way he thinks about it. But yes, that's very generous. Yeah. You know, it reminds me, Doug's answering that question reminds me of someone that I know in my life who, if let's say you, you, this person said something to you and you couldn't quite figure out what they said. Okay. And you asked them to repeat themselves. And then they start with a completely new thing. You're kidding.

They're going back and explaining the origin of what they were saying. It's like, I did not need that. I just needed. Oh, wow. I literally. It's almost like they think you're an idiot. It's almost like that. And so many times I wanted to say, I'm not dumb.

I didn't hear you. But I don't say, I'm not dumb. I didn't hear you. But I don't say that. Truly, is there anything worse, just in the realm of conversation, than truly thinking you can get away with not hearing a little moment, laughing, and then getting caught two seconds later? It's a terrible feeling.

It's never worth it. It's a terrible feeling. And yet, I do it all the time. Oh, I do it constantly. I'm doing it right now. I was going to say, I think you did. I thrive on terrible feeling. It's never worth it. It's a terrible feeling. And yet I do it all the time. Oh, I do it constantly. I'm doing it right now. I was going to say, I think you did. I thrive on that feeling. Feeling?

What a rush, Doug says. He likes to live on the edge. What can I say? I got caught not paying attention. I feel alive. I'm okay with ditching the crepe station, but. Oh, okay, good. We're back on that immediately.

Really, the thing I love the most about the sizzler is the toast. And then we'll go around the table. The cheese toast. Oh, yeah. I just wanted that again. That sort of big, thick... Cheese toast. That thick Texas toast.

Texas, Texas toast. Something you could very easily make yourself at home. How? I told him. I told him. Without a sizzler. See. They patented that, I think.

I don't think so. I don't think so. I could make it for you. I've had it in other places. Here's the thing. Doug thinks that that, again, the red light and just any buffet lighting and setup makes any type of food taste different. Absolutely.

It has that specific sort of je ne sais quoi on it. Let me ask you this. Oh, okay. Wow. Now he's asking questions. Is that this Doug or that Doug? Joan, you're coming at me.

You're crushing me today. I don't think you've ever said that. I'm coming at you, babe. I was just playing, having a little fun at you, babe. I was just playing, having a little fun. Whoa, okay. I mean, wow. He's getting testy in the sizzler.

I forgot to eat. I know you did. Get to have some shrimp. What were you going to say? And then we probably should take a break. I was simply going to ask, have you ever had bread

like the sizzler bread? If it's so easy to make, have you ever had it anywhere else listen i will allow that there's maybe just an extra little crunch or a little something like i think it's really just that it's a bit more burnt yes not you oh boy that's never happened before i can't believe that's never happened it finally happened happens to me often in life but never here right yes never here because we've um, never had anything burnt until we had a sizzler. So, uh, I would say that that's the only, thank you.

Especially with those pyromaniac twins. I just mean me, not my pyromaniac twins. They've said a lot of things on fire. Um, but, uh, but what I will, other than that, babe, I'm sorry. I, I don't share your deep love of that cuisine. I'm, you know, I'll just be very honest. And you know this, this is not a secret. I'm not coming at you.

Strictly, specifically red light cuisine. Red light cuisine is not for me. Right. No. Right. Warming lamp. Warming lamp cuisine. Shiny bricks.

Say again? Shiny bricks. There's a lot of shiny bricks in there. From what I remember. Shiny bricks. Okay, wait that from what i remember shiny bricks okay wait from what you remember are we still talking about food or are we talking about the ambiance the ambiance oh yeah okay yes on the wall i think i know what he's talking about i think it's on the floor i'm thinking of shiny bricks over do you mean everywhere babe

are you saying you want to add shiny bricks in the room? Shiny bricks everywhere. That's my dream. Shiny bricks. No, it doesn't really work. What was it supposed to be? It was going to maybe be shiny happy people. Oh, sure. It should have been shiny happy bricks, probably. Probably.

I think of those red lamps. What a missed opportunity. Maybe next time. So you want to add shiny bricks? Well, I just think the red, the heat lamps with the shiny bricks. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I guarantee you, he thinks that the shiny bricks helps the taste. Yes, that's exactly it. The phrase shiny bricks has lost all meaning for me.

See, this is when before it had stuff. I've never heard it so much in my life. See, this is why I just want to say to him, go to a real sizzler. He's just trying to recreate something. They close everywhere. There aren't that many left. That is true.

Doug, are there shiny bricks in your sizzler that you created? There's one. One? There's bricks, but it's not shiny enough. He only got one. It's just not shiny enough. Like a semi-gloss brick.

Yeah, I've been glazing the one brick. He's glazing bricks out back for the sizzler in our house. What am I? Do you hear the sentence I'm saying? I know. Burns, this is getting. It's getting out of control. I almost called you brick just now.

Really just almost said brick instead of burnt. Who's named brick? Oh, uh, Kat and the Hot Tin Roof. Paul Newman. Ruined that nickname for everybody. Oh, sure, of course. By being impotent. Wait, I'm sorry. Oh, I forgot that part. I just remember he was on crutches. He was on crutches, I think, because that was

the extent of his impotence. But wasn't he, he couldn't have sex with Maggie the Cat because he was secretly, perhaps perhaps gay? I've never seen it, by the way. You're just going based on just some memes? All the Canada did roof memes that I've seen. Why aren't we memeing more theater?

Me when I can't do it with my wife. That's just a picture of paul newman on christmas tfw she says let's go one more time all right i think all right now that we've spoken that into the universe, I think we should probably take a break. Yes, I do too.

And when we return, we will have a guest. Of course, we go to the NeighborHap social networking application and we look for posts of interesting people, people that we want to talk to right here in Dignity Falls. And this episode is no different. When we come back, we will have a guest. Right here. Oh, burned. What happened there? Did you eat before the show?

He's turning into the dishwasher. I did not. Oh, no. What a chilling tale. He's still quieter than that, babe. Let me tell you. All right, we're going to eat and be right back. Hi, this is Angela again, back here with a basket, $2, made of metal. Now, that's all you need to know.

If you look at the picture, you can see why I'm getting rid of it because, you know, it's actually shorter and easier to list the things that you can put in it because as you can see it is way too wide for almost any item. You can't put rocks in here. You can't put tiny figurines in here. You can't put anything like toiletries, no q-tips, no cotton balls, no toiletries whatsoever. You can't put a razor. It'll fall right through. As you can see, I don't know what they expected. You can't even put limes. You can't even put lemons. You can't put a pineapple because it's too thin on top and it's too wide along the side. So all you can do is get a bunch of apples and hope for the best. Good luck, everybody. Two dollars. And we are. Oh, Joan, I did not mean to startle you.

Again, I'm just jumpy because at any point, I thought you were maybe my son. So, okay, I'm just so sorry. What if it turned out that I was your son? Oh, yeah, like Mission Impossible, you just rip off the face and it's Matt. Oh, I meant like Star Wars. You mean that you're actually going to say

that I'm your mother? What? Why don't we introduce our guest? We're going to read a post from the neighbor, Hap. And of course, if you have a post. I don't get to explain myself, but fine. Go on. I'm going to assume that I was the stupid one.

I know what I meant. And everyone else understood. So there's no need for the explanation. I must suffer. Like that person, you know, who explains things to you. That's right. So this is, so what we do is we scour the neighbor app for posts, the things that are interesting to us.

And we want to shine a light on that. And if you'd like to do that, you can write to us. If there's any that we may have missed from the neighbor app, you can screenshot one and send it to us. If you think it's worthy of coverage at burnt and Joan at gmail.com. All right. This one may have been sent to us by someone,

but I'm not sure. And I don't care. Oh, burnt. I shouldn't have said that. We care. We care. We care very deeply. We do care.

I haven't eaten it. I'm a little jealous. I knew you hadn't eaten it. A little jealous of Doug and the Sizzler. Just run up to the buffet. Get a toast. Get a toast and a tail. Get a shrimp. Get a toast and a tail. Get a shrimp.

Get a toast and a tail. Get a shrimp tail. What? Now, wait a minute. You didn't invite people, did you? Are people in the center? Wait, who's serving them? It sounds jam-packed in there.

It sounds so busy. We're opening today. Opening? This is the grand opening? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? That's why I was saying taking the crepes off the menu seems really last minute. And you have one employee.

There sounds like at least 20 tables in there. Doug, are you helping out at all? Who's taking orders? That's the beauty of Sizzlers. There's no help. It's all you can eat. I know, but somebody has to cook the food and put the food out.

Exactly. Oh my God. Wipe down the sneeze guard. All right. Cheers. Thank you. All right. This is from the lost and found section.

Oh, okay. And no name on this one. We don't know who posted this, so we'll find out. You'd think you'd want to put a name if it's for the lost and found. I'm going to stop doing that. And here is the post. It is... Oh, this is heartbreaking. Oh, no.

It says, Lost Turtle. Now, obviously, lost turtles and tortoises are no... We're no stranger to those here on the neighborhood list. Yeah, it happens so often. I realize this is probably a very long shot, but I came home tonight and this handwritten notice by a child was taped to my front door regarding his or her lost turtle. I am at the corner of Coolidge and Teak. The telephone number on the notice is, and we're not going to read that out. In the midst of these crazy times we live in, I found this very poignant and touching.

In the midst of these crazy times we live in, I found this very poignant and touching. It brought a tear to my eye, the thought of a child desperately searching for their lost turtle. And there is a very crudely drawn turtle. This picture obviously will not be helpful, but it is. In finding the turtle, you mean? In finding the turtle. Right. Well, I would say if the turtle looks like that, it's too late. Yeah, mostly shell.

Yeah. Yeah. Mostly shell. There's a little of the underbelly there. I mean, it's not, depending on how old the child is, it might not be that bad a drawing. Sure. But it's certainly not helpful. No, no, no.

In finding the turtle. And so we now have the person who posted this, who had this drawing taped to their door and whose name we do not yet know. No. And we have them here in studio. Welcome. Welcome. Neighbor.

Can you tell us who you are? Hi. Gwen Whispers. Gwen Whispers. Gwen Whispers. So nice to meet you. Gwen. Oh, and let me just say for one minute. Yes. Gwen Whispers. Gwen Whispers? Gwen Whispers. So nice to meet you.

And let me just say for one minute. Yes. To look at the both of you in these crazy times, to be in a room with you all is, it's really something. Oh, my goodness. That's lovely. That's lovely. Do you listen to the podcast? Sorry.

That's okay. I just need to wet my whistle. I'll have some hot tea. Thank you. Oh, good need to wet my whistle. I'll have some hot tea. Thank you. Oh, good. Excellent. I'm going to get you some hot tea. Just ask a question.

I'm going to grab her some tea. Maybe I'll also see if they have fountain drinks in the red cup. Whatever the fountain drink, just make it hot. Babe, did you hear that? Could you just bring it down? He put it in a fountain machine. I don't think Sizzler had hot drinks. Oh, I forgot we're at a functioning Sizzler.

No, you couldn't have known. My husband is up to these while you can't hear him. I can nuke my water. No, no, no, it's fine. You just want some hot water? We can nuke it. We'll put it in the microwave for you, no problem. We'll nuke it.

Gwen, thank you for bringing this to everyone's attention because it is heartbreaking to see this poor child has lost their turtle. It's awful. It's awful. And I looked around Teak. I looked around. Yes.

I looked on the cul-de-sac. I walked around where the Barnes & Noble is and I walked around where the dustpan is. Oh, right. And I didn't see. I saw a coyote. I saw a squirrel. I didn't see a turtle. There's a and I walked around where the dustpan is. Oh, right. And I didn't see, I saw a coyote. I saw a squirrel. I didn't see a turtle. There's a lot of coyotes around the dustpan.

They are. A lot of coyotes. A lot of coyotes. Dozens. It's true. It's actually become a problem. It really has. It's really weird. And they stand like in a formation.

They do. I saw them get on their top legs and raise the roof together. On their top legs. They were dancing. And I'll tell you something, it brought a tear to my eye. It did, really?

Is it just because of these crazy times? These crazy times. When you have this opportunity to see something so rare and so beautiful. I'm sorry, let's play. Can I offer you guys a caramel apple grape? Oh, a what? Caramel apple grape. It's a gutted apple with grapes and then they cover that in

caramel. A gutted? No kidding! So you hollow out an apple. And what an interesting choice, because you were gutted. Oh, gutted. Well, well, I'm one for spooks. Where's the hot one? You're one for spooks.

Oh, then you and my kids would get along just great. Because it is, as of this recording, it is. Right. Right now it's, we're in the fall times, Halloween times,

as I mentioned. Yes. So I'm sorry. Is this your own recipes? Is a family recipe? Oh, it goes really far back in the whispers family. Oh,

it does. My mom, Geraldine whispers. Okay. And she used to get a, and you're going to love this. Okay. Pumpkin.

Oh, and put grapes in that and then we put that what is the idea behind putting grapes in it how big of a pumpkin do a big gourd if there's one thing

my mother Geraldine whispered loved it's a big old sloppy gourd oh she sounds like my kind of gal she wouldn't have minded the bumps I bet you anything

yeah the what were those what were those ones oh yeah Oh, she sounds like my kind of gal. She wouldn't have minded the bumps. I bet you anything. Yeah, the... Do you like the little... Oh, yeah. Pustules. That's right. Pustules. It's like a little dance in my mouth. It brings a tear to my eye to think about that.

Wow, you are really... You are so emotional right now. I'm very emotional right now. I am on a new SSRI. Oh, okay. Well, wonderful. I think that's great. I'm a huge, very

big advocate of that. Wonderful. As a pharmacist, I hope you've read all the side effects. That is true. It's something of my own making. It's a little... It's something I went in the lab which is my bathroom and it's a little bit of Wellbutrin and a little bit of Ozempic.

So you were working in the lab late one night. I'm a pharmacy tech. That's is that true yes pharmacy tech by day in the women's over 42 chorus by night a little something for everyone in this beautiful time in these crazy times you know it's i've always felt a little weird I've never been asked to be a part of the Women's Over 42 Chorus. Really? Oh, we got an opening.

And no, I'm not saying that because I want, you know, it's just, it's interesting because we've never talked about the chorus on this podcast. They must think you don't qualify. And, well, that's very nice of you to say. A tenor sax bass. Tenor sax bass.

I do play every saxophone, which a little known never talk about that you play every saxophone every type of saxophone yes uh but yes i would like to be asked to sing in it even though all their work is definitely i'll have heavy sax uh arrangements it's mostly just female voices and female saxons. It's very sax heavy and very sex heavy. They're very lewd songs with sax accompaniment. From what I understood,

it was, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I have not had the pleasure to see. Well, every day you're not there, you're missing out. They rehearse every day. Now that is one thing.

They probably thought I was too busy. Yeah. It is wildly demanding. Maybe that's it. Because everyone has to be there for every every day look at the stats it's similar to Cirque du Soleil we train just as much wow yeah and so it's it's women uh singing the dirtiest songs you can imagine that's right and accompanied by every single saxophone there is. Full sax. Full sax orchestra. Full sax. And I am a soprano too.

Oh, great. Oh, wow. Great. Which is. That's the highest there is. That's the highest one. That's the highest there is. Yes, it is second soprano. That's up there.

Oh, second. I always thought second soprano. You can say soprano two or second soprano, yes. I always thought second soprano was like a step down from soprano. Okay. I don't. I don't. Oh, she's crying again.

Wow. All right. Burn two. Okay. i have triggered the waterworks once more and just to let you know we did a superlative and i won best attitude so think about that for a sec burnt how often does the chorus do the superlatives is it quarterly once a quarter which is every week. It's Women's Sex Quarterly. And they come out with it. You can subscribe to it.

I stopped a while ago. Wait, it's a print magazine? I'm in charge of asking why people stop subscribing. Oh, no. It was just too much paper. So wasteful every single week. And we won't go electronic. And it's like 60 pages. It's mostly just ads.

60 pages of ads. Really? Of ads? I'm on the board of making sure we- Congrats to Women's Sex Weekly? What is it called? Women's Sex Quarterly Weekly. Women's Sex Quarterly Weekly.

Over 42. Over 42. All right. And so, I guess I have to ask, this question is obvious. Of course. Has the turtle been found? No. Oh, dear.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And it's fall, so every time I'm stepping down, I'm crunching. I'm hearing the sound of crunch and I think, what's underneath me?

Oh, and you're worried it's a turtle shell? One time I killed a snail that way. Oh, well, I think we've all had that experience. That's certainly not, you know, you're not the only one.

I mean, I've killed snails on purpose, but not by accident. Oh. No, wait. by accident. Oh, no. No, wait. In these crazy times, you're going to do that? In these crazy times, listen, I, listen, I know. And I'm sorry, because I feel it's a trigger for you. Consider the times.

Now, to be fair, this is when I was a child. Right. And I was under the impression the snail had bit me. Really? Yes. And obviously I was mistaken. Can I ask how you were under the impression? But I did have to go see a counselor.

It either bites you or it doesn't. No, under the impression. Yeah, what happened? Did one crawl on you? I felt a bite. I turned around. I saw the snail. Jacuzzi!

And I stomped on it. Oh, dear. Yeah. That's a tough story. Yeah. Well, okay. So I just want to go back really quickly. Did you have to go to counseling because you thought it bit you or because you stepped on the snail because i stepped on the snail they thought i might be a serial killer well i think thankfully i was not

oh you know where your laurels lie you know where what oh we know where your laurels lie did you say yanny laurel i thought you said. Did you say laurels or morals? Laurels lie. What does that mean? So it's something I made up. Okay. I don't feel so bad now. And it's sort of just we know what side of history you're on. Oh, okay. I like that. I don't know where your laurels lie.

Are they lying? Well, your laurels were lying in the wrong place. That's sort of how I interpreted that story when you were a kid. Wow. She's leveled some judgment at you, Bernd. Oh, I felt it. Wait, now here's the thing.

And I'm going to try to do this without judgment, but I really wanted you to get to the bottom of why we're gutting certain fruits and filling them with grapes. I need to know if the grapes are in... Oh, I did not. Yeah, how many grapes to fill a pumpkin? Right, and is it just for

decoration or are we consuming those grapes of course they're you see it wasn't an of course to me so you know it might be to you we also don't know of course family but what she's of course could also mean something different in the whispers family think about this think about this you shut your eyes you reach into a bowl okay What's the spookiest feeling? Okay, so we're talking how eyeballs right? Yes. Yes. Grapes with the peel off. That's right. So we freeze the grapes. We peel them. Oh, and I make

a great, great peel off. If you guys want the recipe, I would love that. It's actually in the we are not getting a peel off station. Doug, we're not doing it. I do love rice and grapes. They are not getting a pilaf station, Doug. We're not doing it. I do love rice and grapes. They are not brought together enough. No, they really are.

And then depending on the season, we could do a crazen pilaf. We could do... Okay, so again, I feel like I'm still really trying to wrap my head around... Does pilaf always have rice or no? Oh, wow. You're really putting it out. Yes. Yes, Doug.

Rice pilaf is the name. So we're wondering, what is the peel-off part of rice? Is peel-off something that is done to rice? Right. Do you peel-off? Is it to peel-off? I honestly feel like we're, I feel like we're the only ones who don't know the answers. And I feel like we're college students.

The peeler. I feel like we're college students trying to figure out how laundry works. That's how I feel right now. I feel like that's college students trying to figure out how laundry works that's how I feel right now I feel like that's what we sound like saying my mom goes and stands in there for two minutes yeah does the peel off happen to the rice or is the peel off part of the rice this these are questions that I do have Doug are you looking I think Doug's looking it up that's when he goes quiet he's usually googling it so and then you would so it's scary but are you supposed to eat the grapes so of course so you freeze the grapes but why do you freeze them you know i didn't i didn't

know this it wasn't a gotcha a single tear rolled down did i saw that do you mind if i leave the room for just a minute oh oh my goodness that's if you need to no absolutely whatever you need we need some space. These are crazy times. All right, I'm back. Oh, that was... I just needed a minute to collect myself. She did leave and come back. It was very fast.

My mother's deceased. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you. And thank you. And my mother. Sorry, sometimes when I get in grief, sometimes the only way I can feel better is to sing about it a little bit.

Oh, I understand. I get that. Sometimes you don't question the recipe. You know, you just keep it as it is. And my mother used to freeze the grapes. And I do believe that by freezing the grape, it retains the flavor that much more. Okay. So when you bite into the gutted pumpkin with the frozen grapes.

So you are biting into it? Yeah, you take a bite of the pumpkin? Well, of course. It's raw? To get through to the grapes? But remember, you've got that caramel coating over top. I forgot about that. Wait, was that initially what you offered us

or was it a different container for the caramel? Gwen initially offered us a caramel-covered apple that was filled, stuffed with grapes. Now listen, that I can sort of see biting into an apple, fine caramel apple. Pumpkin, though, biting into a filled. Okay, got it. Stuffed with grapes. Now listen, that I can sort of see biting in an apple, fine caramel apple. Pumpkin though, biting into a pumpkin. Okay, I should have mentioned the pumpkin's not frozen. The pumpkin.

I still have an issue with it. I think it's still tall order. Does it actually change anything? It's still tall. Question remains. Because you know when sometimes you bite into a caramel apple and you just get caramel? I think you guys were confusing. You don't get any of the apple?

Yes. This is, there's no way. No, but consider not frozen at all. Room temp. Understood. We've got that. Yeah, that's clear. Healthy and the pumpkin's healthy.

The pumpkin's healthy. Okay. All right. This is not what I expected we'd be talking about. It's just a surprise. I had a feeling, but I'm not going to say I predicted this. Are you, do you live alone are you with a partner do you have a pet what's your living situation beautiful beautiful husband

oh my goodness what's his name what's he do john okay bon jovis bon john bon jovis i know what you're thinking it's a gorgeous what are we thinking what are we thinking he must be a hottie and you're right he He's very handsome. Good man. Good bones. Oh, great. He's had a good life. He's had a good life.

He's at sea right now. Oh, really? Is he in the Navy? He's in the Navy. What's his rank in the Navy, if I may ask? Second Lieutenant. First removed. Second Lieutenant.

Second Soprano. First removed. First removed. Second lieutenant, second soprano. First removed. First removed. And I don't want to go into why. Okay. But he makes just as much money. That's not any of our business. I believe in salary transparency.

My husband makes $78,000 quarterly. And what does a quarter I give? In this case, every two weeks. That's a shocking amount of money. I did not think they made... But he's an officer. But he was first removed. Is that a sort of demotion?

Yeah. Right. But she doesn't want to get into it. I know, but I don't want to get into it. No, you do. For legal reasons, I don't want to get into it. I know, but I don't want to get into it. No, you do. For legal reasons, I don't want to get into it. My pharmacist instincts are kicking in. I can't help but ask questions.

That's right, you're a pharmacist. I'm a pharmacist. And Burns is a little bit of a naval nut. You know, he's into those things. It's true. I'm into things like, how do you get in trouble in the Navy? What happens to you?

It's just a little hobby of his. Yeah. I like to know different occupations. How do you get in trouble? And how do you get demoted? It's just a little hobby of his. I like to know different occupations. How do you get in trouble? And how do you get demoted? What do you have to do? I don't want to say much more than this. Let's just say that there was a loose goose.

That's all I'm going to say. That is it? Oh, you. Now she's teasing you, bird. No, a loose goose. A loose goose. There was a loose goose. A loose goose. There was a loose goose who ought not be loose. What?

Well, this sounds like a nursery rhyme. We're working on a children's book, and that's why I don't want to talk about it. Because it hasn't gotten cleared yet. That's great. For legal reasons, I want to wait until we get the clearance, until we get it in writing. I don't even know what legal reasons means in this context. I'm not quite sure. I have absolutely no idea. It somehow affects the book being made. I don't even know what legal reasons means in this context. I'm not quite sure. I have absolutely no idea.

It somehow affects the book being made. I don't know. So how long is your husband, how long is John Bon Jovis away? John Bon Jovis is away. Second Lieutenant. Second Lieutenant. And I do appreciate you saying his official title. Of course.

Out of respect. Well, again, you know, that's burnt for you. He always gets the titles right. Love titles. He's back in a couple of weeks. We do the long distance thing. So of course we're no stranger to FaceTime sex. Oh, okay.

All right. Of course not. And I have two beautiful kids. Oh, fantastic. And are they at home with you? They're at home with a nanny right now. Okay. Well, how old are they?

They are 14 and 26. And they're at home with a nanny. They have a nanny. Okay. How old are they? They are 14 and 26. And they're at home with the nanny. You can't trust the 26-year-old to look after the 14-year-old. I mean, to be honest, I kind of understand that. Little Cletus. Are you joking? He's the 14-year-old. Little Cletus

takes after his dad. He's a naughty, naughty boy. Oh, my goodness. Big Cletus. A.K.A. Second Lieutenant John McJobin. Now, and what's your... Big Cletus is his Christian name. What's your 26-year-old's name? Little Cletus. Oh, I thought that was

the 14-year-old. No, it's flipped. No, that's Emily. Emily. Emily, of course. Okay, got it. And she's a singer like her mom. Oh, lovely. Tritzo Soprano 6. Tritzo Soprano 6? I thought that was a myth. Yeah, it was just discovered.

Her and Ariana Grande are the same register. Wow. Yeah, it was just, it was crazy. It was as crazy as, you know, Pluto not being a planet anymore. They came up with a new Soprano. crazy it was as crazy as you know pluto not being a planet anymore they came up with a new they you know they were they were um examining sound waves you know listening to a chorus and there was this frequency that well doug maybe could know a little bit more about it being an engineer himself but um but he was very into it actually he was on the he was on the message

boards the border yeah he was on the boards he was sort of the the the cusp of it when it was being discovered right Right, babe? That's right. They couldn't figure out where the frequency was coming from and they interrogated everyone in the room. Did they ask Kenneth? They interrogated everyone. That's good instinct, Burt. They did not ask

Kenneth. They should have asked Kenneth. Kenneth was standing. Yes, yes, yes. When you say they interrogated everyone, who are you talking about? Oh, that was him in the corner. That was him in the corner. That's him in the corner. What's that?

Song. Sorry, I got lost for a minute. Wait, babe, when you say they interrogated everyone, who's the everyone? Right. Everyone in the chorus. Oh, of that group. Who did that?

Was it you? Who did that? With a swinging light above their heads in a dark room. All they were doing was singing. It was so cruel. I know. The interrogations lasted forever. I mean, it was just absolutely ridiculous.

My kid's underage. It was wild. Well, they had the nanny at least. And didn't the bad cop give away the whole good cop, bad cop thing? Where he said, I'm just pretending to be mean? Yes. That's right. Well, I think he finally saw that this was just really going on

for too long. Yeah. So yes, that is now a new type of soprano and we're stuck with it. Getting back to the turtle. So this was taped to your door. So it must have been one of your immediate neighbors. It's gotta be.

But you don't know who. I don't know who. I went around. I left treats. Of course, I left pumpkins for everyone on their, on their doors. I knocked and they, and they're still. And that was your way of letting them know that you wanted to know if they'd seen a turtle. Right.

I could have been more direct. I think maybe. I think maybe. I think that's part of maybe the missing link. I get social links. Even being here, I get nervous. Now, why is that? Where do you think that comes from? Oh, you guys intimidate me. I get so nervous. How do we intimidate you?

Oh, with your laughs and your jovial and your bond. I get so nervous. I don't have a ton of... I mean, I have the chorus, of course. You have the chorus, of course. I've got the chorus, of course. But I'm mostly a lone ranger. I'm more of a lone ranger.

Even though you're surrounded by these women every single day, you're married and you have two children and the nanny. But you're kind of a lone ranger. I leave them little notes. Lots of TV references. You know, my love language are gifts.

My love language is gifts. Right, right, right. And I leave the neighbor some gifts. I haven't, well, there's not a lot of kids in the neighborhood other than my own, so that's what was confusing about it. I mean, is there a strange chance that one of your kids wrote the note? Oh, you know what? Probably not the 26-year-old.

Well. Probably not. Babe, are you, oh, did you do the Starbursts? Are you opening up Starbursts? Oh, I'd love to try one. We ran out of food and there's all these customers. How did you run out of food? Oh, because all those people, are those people all gone?

They all wanted crepes. Was that just the lunch rush? Was it the lunch rush? No, it's quiet hour. Can I get a crunchy Squizzlers for the road too? Absolutely. Thank you. A what?

A crunchy Squizzlers for the road too? Absolutely. Thank you. A what? A crunchy Swizzlers. What's that? Swizzlers. Squizzlers. Squizzlers. Change so many times. Sizzlers. Squizzlers. Surprise. Wait, I have never heard of this. What in the world are you talking about? At the very back of the menu, at the very bottom,

underneath the bottom. Very back. The very bottom. Is the Sizzlers Squizzlers big surprise. Really? And the surprise changes. Babe, have you heard of this? The surprise changes shape and consistency every time I've come. But is it always food?

Well, it could be liquid. But it's something you can consume as a human being. It's edible. You can imbibe it. And not die. You won't die. Well, it's spooky season. We don't know.

Babe, have you heard of what she's talking about? I have not heard of that. You better flip to the back of the menu. At the bottom. I assume you've made menus for your sizzler. Are there no menus here? Go all the way to the back and then go all the way down to the bottom.

Okay. Jesus is a large menu. I'm still scanning through the bottom okay um jesus is a large menu why does this need a menu don't ever remember seeing a menu they label the food right well yeah and he also loves the um i swear half the reason you want to do this was to get one of those light up neon boards, you know, where you can just write them. Oh, sure. Oh, God, does he love those. Yes.

You do? I love those. I can't write off those. Like a theme park and a menu. Yes. I guess there is something a little satisfying about it. Every day is Christmas at Sizzlers. You know, a lot of times kids will, they'll, you know, do edibles and then go in and just stare at that sign. Right? Well, don't get my 26-year-old in they'll, you know, do edibles and then go in and just stare at that sign. Right.

Well, don't get my 26 year old in there because he's no stranger to edibles. Well, that's, that's pretty common. You know, as long as they're just safe. Okay. Those are the mushrooms, right? That's correct. Okay. Is he like micro dosing or?

He had an ego death last week. I'm sorry. Oh no. Oh, in a good way. Oh, good. I'm not familiar with what that is. An ego death? He said he lost himself

and then he found himself again. And yet he still has no job. Oh, an ego death. Wow, that's very... Maybe I should try it. Have you ever tried that, Bernd? No. You know, sort of just

taking a little something, the mushroom. I have taken mushrooms not on purpose. And I did not realize that they were, you know, quote unquote magic mushrooms. I also did not realize that they were, you know, quote unquote magic mushrooms. I also did not realize

they were mushrooms. Well, how did that happen? Was it like a brownie or a sandwich or something? It was in a brownie that was in a sandwich. Wait, did you make it? Oh my God.

That was my last Sizzler Squiggler's big surprise. That's what, it was a brownie in a sandwich and I was like, I'm game.

And I didn't realize that it was a gutted sandwich. It was a gutted, somebody had gutted How'd you get around the grapes? They had frozen a brownie in a sandwich and I thought, I'm game. And I didn't realize that it was a gutted sandwich. How'd you get around the grapes? They had frozen a brownie and of course, don't forget the grape. There was one grape in there that I thought was kind of a prize. It was? Yes.

So in that way, I won. But I had a terrifying night. Were you at home alone? And you just experienced it by yourself? No, I was out and about by myself, walking Dignity Falls. Oh, boy. And just seeing everything seem to be melting. I hope you didn't go near water because you could.

I went near so much water. You could fall in. I almost fell in so many times. Into the falls. Into the falls themselves. Which we know is basically just runoff. Yeah, it's just runoff. In these crazy times. But you can drown in half an inch of water.

Usually if you're a baby, but that's usually for babies. But if you're face down and you don't get up. I suppose that's true. Right. Wow, I didn't know that, Bert. I never knew that story. Well, it's not a fun story. Sorry for your loss. Thank you.

It did suffer an ego death. And it's connected you because it's what she made. So how did you, where did you get this brownie sandwich? What, did you come around my shop? I'm trying to think. I probably came around your shop. Pam's Pots and Plants. Pam's Pots and Plants.

Why is it called Pam's? That's right. Because remember, Pam died. We bought your plants. Yes, that's right. Pam died. I took over. Pam retired and died immediately.

Which is so sad. It was so sad. Did he get to enjoy retirement? She finally had a rest. She was going to visit every national park. Yes. Oh, she had huge plans. She had just set foot in Sequoia.

She took out an ad in the Dignity Falls Cryer Flyer, and an entire page, which was not something anyone had ever done before. No, only half pages. And she said, and she said, here's what I'm going to do with my retirement. And it was like this very detailed plan. She got to the first park and she dropped dead.

From a bow and arrow. Terrible. Yes. That's right. It is really really really unfortunate there were cosplayers in the area and it was a Hawkeye

right yes they were recreating Last of the Mohicans no wrong place wrong time no it was it was from the Last of the Mohicans and Madeline Stowe herself was there yes to cut the ribbon on the cosplay they were opening up a new cosplay center in the sequoia

national park well you know what she left us with a hell of a story that's right that's right it sure is true what's really remarkable is that the you know the the the arrow was technically safe there was no point no point but there was the strength of the man playing hawkeye pulling that bow god he was hot they called him the hot man slaughterer oh dear slaughter her and women crazy because you know they can't get enough i can't get enough i'll'll tell you what, my husband's in C. Sometimes I need a little something to wet my whistle. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I think I do or maybe I don't at all. Anyway,

you got the sandwich from my shop. Yes. Okay. So that must have been it. And I don't know why I was buying a sandwich at Pam's Pots and Pants. It's confusing. Pots and Pants or Pots and Pants? We don't carry pot. We don't carry plants. But we'll pot your plant.

And we do have sandwiches. I did. Because I came in with a plant that I just found. You found it? And I just cradling it in my, a loose plant cradling it. And I said, it's got minutes to live.

We got to pop this thing. I checked the pulse. It was about to die. It's like UPS. You can just bring a bunch of shit and they'll put it into a box for you. In this case, you bring in whatever living plant you find

and they can pot it right away. Yeah, I put two irons on it. Clear. And then I put it in the pot. Okay. I revived it. And then she said, would you care for a sandwich?

Okay. And I said, well, again, I skipped lunch. I forgot. And I said, I should let you know it is gutted.

But you might have a little surprise in there if you're lucky. Again, I skipped lunch. I forgot. And I said, I should let you know it is gutted. Yes. But you might have a little surprise in there if you're lucky. It was one of those times where I pretended I knew what the person was talking about but I did not. Oh, what a terrible moment for that to happen. Yeah. I wish you'd asked for clarity. I would have told you there were drugs. I wish I'd asked more questions.

Or even one. Even single question. Hey, Gwen, I have an idea. Okay. And let me know what you think of this because that turtle will never be found. So what if you... Don't tell me that. Well, what if you were to buy a new turtle

and then put a note on your door saying, I found a turtle. Is it yours? Right. So what do you suggest? I leave the loose turtle on the doorstep. No, I'm not suggesting that at all. So what do you suggest? I leave the loose turtle on the doorstep. No, I'm not suggesting that at all. So what you're telling me is leave the turtle somewhere random in a remote location.

No, let's forget the word leave. Let's just... So I drop the turtle. Oh no, what is this? Aeschylus? No. So I go to Sequoia with the turtle. Oh, don't do that. Where Pam died. Get a turtle. pam died um uh get get a turtle

start there yes get a turtle okay and uh put another post another make another post right with a picture of the turtle saying could this be your turtle in hopes that the child would maybe see that post and uh you know again possibly in the same way that when a hamster dies you know unfortunately parents sometimes try to buy another one that looks the same and pass it off as the same. A lot of times the child knows, but sometimes they don't. And with the turtle, I have to say, they do look a lot alike. They do look a lot alike. I don't want to say.

There's a commercial running now where a dad, a harried dad, goes to buy a new guinea pig for his daughter. And we are, you know, he's in a hurry to buy this guinea pig and then he gets the guinea pig. And then he puts it in a little cage and then the daughter looks at the guinea pig and says, that's not, you know, Spoonie or whatever his name is. Spoonie.

But this child seems too old to care about a guinea pig in the commercial. Like how old? I would say? I would say almost teens. I thought it was my son. You thought your son was in a commercial maybe? Too old to have a son.

Is he missing? Are you looking for details? He comes around now and then. So, I would say you could go down to Pete'sete's pets and pots and it's amazing how many businesses sell pots on the side well not us i'll say no you know i know you just put them in pots you're no but you're like very upfront about one of the main things you do is pots right but but there's a lot of stores where and pot seems very much like an afterthought absolutely and it's i guess you know it's back in the in the in the early days

of dignity falls when it was a uh a ceramics town that's true and people were selling uh figurines, sconces, bowls, cups, mugs. Dip tubs. Dip and dips. Chip a bowl for dip. Dip bowls. Dip bowls, yes. Dip bowls. Dip bowls. Okay, we need a bass

six. Well, you know what? Bernie has a lovely timbre to his voice. That's all I can do. I can only sing the one note. Although you really kind of almost sang two notes. I did, too. Almost. Wow.

The men's over 42 needs someone just to sing the last note. Well, I... I cannot stress enough that you are not allowed to do anything else I just come in right at the end what is the word? kind of like men

are you talking about two and a half men theme song? that's the one Dignity Falls Fave watch more so many fan groups That's the one. Dignity Falls fave. Watch more. So many fan groups. There's such a high percentage of two and a half minute viewers in Dignity Falls. And weirdly for the Ashton Kutcher version.

Yes. Because the mayor said it was in Dignity Falls. He said it secretly said in Dignity Falls. Secretly. The show makes many references to Los Angeles. It's on the PCA. It's on the PCA. People do, you know, Rocky Horror style recreations of it in theaters at night.

Remember there was that year that Chuck Lorre himself came to town. That's right. To be the grand marshal of the Thanksgiving parade. That's right. And he was so unpleasant, everyone despised him. It was awful. It was really gutting

to a lot of the people who were so excited to meet him and say how much they loved the show. There's no other word for it. He was a real prick. And people despised him. He made me cry. I don't know, that's nothing real prick. And people despised him. He was awful. He made me cry. And I know that's nothing new.

There's that statue of him that exists solely for people to deface it. Well, he's in an uncompromising position. Yes, he is. But that's never been done. We've never commissioned a statue solely to throw eggs at it. Throw eggs at it, spray paint it.

Eggs, pies, sizzler, surprise. Well, Gwyn, Gwyn, I feel like we should let you go. We really appreciate you taking the time out for rehearsal. I can't believe that you were able to come here. I'm an hour late and I have six demerits against me. Oh no. Are they going to dock your... Do they charge you?

You get seven demerits if you lose a finger. Oh my god. What? This... Sounds like the handmaid's tale. This women's over 42 chorus has to be stopped. Well, you can sing without a finger as they say. They're not. It is true. I prefer the show must go on

but you can sing without a finger. You can sing without a finger. It sounds much more impressive. Let me know if you wanted to do the last note. Oh, yeah. Sure. What's the word again? Yeah, what is the word that he sings on?

Or is it just a law or a bop or what is it? Pot. Did I do it? What, babe? Pot. Oh, is it pot? Is that the word? That's the one.

Okay. Look at that. Isn't that good? I mean, there's auditions next week, so we'll see. There's auditions. Just one. Cheer up. Can you stop

dinging the glasses? Everyone in here just starts hooping and hollering every time we do this. I don't want 20 tables worth of people to come back in. Do they think there's a wedding happening? Speech, speech, speech. What? Kids, kids. 20 tables for the people to come back in. Do they think there's a wedding happening? In another room? Speech, speech, speech.

Kids, kids. Kids, yeah. This is madness. I do have to go deal with that. So listen. Gwen, yes. Is there any message that you, let's say this little child is listening.

Yeah. Is there any message that you would like to impart to this little turtle-less child hey little guy talking to the turtle find your parent find them unfortunately I'm not gonna

with my busy schedule I'm not gonna be able to buy a new turtle so this one's on you okay I don't know if that would be helpful so message to the turtle that was basically we don't know that turtles don't know if that would be helpful. So message to the turtle. That was basically full of no hope. We don't know that turtles don't listen to this. That's true.

That's true. Schrodinger's turtle. You cannot prove a negative. Schrodinger's turtle. I'll leave the turtle with this. In these crazy times. In these crazy times. All we have is love.

All you need is love. But it's saxophones that do it. I think there's some saxophones on the actual recording, too. Yeah, I think so, too. That's right. All right. It's rock and roll. Best of luck to you.

If it doesn't have a saxophone in it, it's not luck. Come by Pam's. Sure. We will. Yeah, of course. Don't eat the sandwiches, Bert., it's not welcome. Come buy PAMS. Sure. We will. Yeah, of course. Don't eat the sandwiches, Burns. Well, ask some questions. Ask questions first.

Ask some questions first. Ask questions first, sandwich later. That's right. We'll see you at the pharmacist parade. I'll see you at the big, yay, big pharma. The what thing? The pharmacist parade. Yeah.

Oh, sure. Yeah, the pharmacist parade. Yeah. All right. I'll bring my bottles fantastic you take care okay bye take care oh she's gone wow she just how did she get out so fast she just left like a shot wow it was just immediate all right well she never even drank her tea i nuked it it for her. It's piping up. Oh,

dear. Well, I hope she's okay. I hope she's okay. I hope that turtle finds its way home. So do I. I hope that little child is not inconsolable. Me too. And yeah, I guess we'll take a break. Sounds good. And when we come back, we'll have more of this. Okay. Okay. Never a lesson. All right, hi, my name is Patrick. The subject line should be looking for picture frames, question mark? Hey, everyone.

So, I am a diehard game show fan. My favorite game shows that I love to watch are America Says, Common Knowledge, Catch 21, and Get a Clue. A while back ago, Game Show Network sent me an autograph of Joey Fatone and John Michael Higgins because I truly loved them a lot. That's why I love to watch them on TV. I wanted to ask anyone is that I am looking for picture frames

because I would like to hang up Fatone and Higgins in my room. Please text me if you guys have some. First come, first serve. To give me picture frames. Wow. Welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. You know, sometimes it just doesn't pan out. You know, sometimes we're not able to help.

And I feel like this might have been one of those. I don't know if she's going to do what we suggested, you know, do that. I think she made it very clear she's not going to do that. And that's really a shame because, you know, she came in here seeming so broken up over this. Yeah. All the in this world, this crazy world. Yeah. All that.

And then very what I thought was, I mean, maybe not the best solution, but it was an idea. At least you could build on it. Yes. I'd say that most illuminating thing to come out of that was that you unwittingly bought drugs from her. Yes, which I did not. I really feel like the onus is not on the person buying the sandwich to ask,

is there drugs in there? Fair enough. I really think it's the person serving the sandwich to say, by the way. The drug purveyor, yes. You can't just say there's a surprise in here and expect me to know I'm going to be tripping balls. Right.

A chilling night. I think that's very fair. That was a terrible, terrible experience. I'm so sorry. Anyway, we have time for one more post. Yes, I just want to check. Hey, babe, is everybody gone now? Is everybody gone?

Things are hopping at the Sizzler. It's not even dessert yet. Oh, my God. What do you mean it's not even dessert yet? It's a buffet-style restaurant. Yes, but of course they have to change over. They take away the meats. They take away the shrimp, and they bring out a souffle,

and they bring out a cake, and they bring out the... I thought all that stuff was just there at the same time. Well, sometimes the desserts, sometimes you have to make room for the desserts. Well, we don't have the size that Sizzler does. This is a smaller buffet. That's true. That's true.

You've taken an entire Sizzler and shrug it down to a room. Yes. I'm also building this based on my memory of Sizzler. Oh, that I didn't know. That's interesting. That makes a lot of sense, actually. I guess that's why he was so hazy about what a tile is. And one brick.

Just one burnished, shiny brick. All right. Well, anyways. Oh, gosh. Okay, so this is a really interesting post. Oh, good. Someone was really taking a stand here. You know, we sort of, we mentioned this, you know,

it's sort of a known thing of, oh, one of the things that happens on the neighbor hap is most often coyotes can be posted about, right? Yes. So this person basically, this is her post, but then, and this is normally not what I would do, but she continues her post to explain it in the comments section, right? Oh, wow. Okay.

This is really all part of the post. And she is angry. And it's about coyotes. she just says let's stop acting like prey wow and she just says i don't let my dogs out by myself i carry one of those boxes of those things that you throw on the ground that make noise like a firecracker being lit, as well as an umbrella to flap open at them. She's Sean Connery in the third Indiana Jones. Of course.

With the rocks and the trees and the birds in the sky. Junior. Junior. Junior. Sorry. Junior. Junior. Junior.

I have a friend who is a junior and that's what I call her. That's so funny. Junior. You named the dog Indiana? And they were two years apart. Isn't that interesting? Something like that. Something like that. All right.

So anyways, an umbrella. Great. Scares my dog. So I figure running at coyotes and yelling at them with it, I ought to scare those. So she's doing something that already scares her dogs. Doesn't seem like a great idea. Is she experimenting with the dogs? Like, I'll try this on these idiots first.

No, she's saying, well, I bring the umbrella because I know when I shake an umbrella at my dogs, it scares them. So it should scare away coyotes. But it would scare her dogs away. Exactly. And make them run away. And what's the thing with the box on the ground that also scares her dogs? It sounds like she's trying to say firecrackers, but has decided instead it's a different name. It sounds like firecrackers.

So she says, I wish I had a paint gun. Because that would help. In other words, I am not running from a coyote or just standing helplessly by if I see one. I figure the best defense is a good offense and will hopefully make them scared of humans. We aren't doing anything that scares them right now. I think that... Starting to sound like Starship Troopers. I think that... Starting to sound like Starship Troopers. I think that we need

to change that. No animal's going to be afraid of a creature that is afraid of the animal and lets the animal do whatever. That's what prey does. It runs away or hides

or freezes. Stop being prey. Wow. She is dying on this hill. This is a bold stance. This is a bold stance. What did she go on to explain? Please stop yelling at me.

She said, let's stop acting like prey. That was the whole post. It was just let's stop acting. So the rest of that was the explanation. Someone underneath said, use wolf urine spray. It keeps coyotes away. And that infuriated her. So she started her whole own post.

Let's stop acting like prey. Do you know what? What? She sounds like a cheapskate to me. She doesn't want to shell out for the wolf urine spray. Is that expensive? I can't be cheap. Is that a high mark up the wolf urine spray? It can't be cheap. Please say this is an actual wolf urine spray. No, exactly. It can't be

actual wolf urine. You gotta pay those guys. No, exactly. It can't be actual wolf urine. You got to pay those guys. No, it's got to be a synthetic, synthetic wolf urine. That would be a good, like, who has those shows? The History Channel where it's like Ice Road Truckers? Most Dangerous Job. Wolf urine collector. Wolf urine collector. We're working out here 24 hours a day sometimes trying to catch these wolves.

Got a tip on some wolf urine down on the ridge. Put fire hydrants everywhere. We saw a wolf drinking a lot of water. So we're monitoring the situation. We're tailing him. A lot of times you hate to see this happen. You get a fresh load of urine and then you spill it all over the road. All liquid gold.

Get a fresh load of urine and then you spill it all over the road. All liquid gold. It's really hard on marriages. I haven't seen my dad. He's just out there getting that wolf urine. You see all those movies where it's like, you know, a guy is a wolf urine collector. And then you see his home life and it's just the wife is so mad. He's never home for dinner.

And he's trying to collect the urine to get the quota so the kid can like play sports. That's right, exactly. Or the daughter can do her dance. Her dance championship. Her daughter can do her dance. It isn't unsung. They're the unsung heroes. So this person is suggesting we go and haul out attack on coyotes.

This is exactly what people misunderstand about nature. This is everything against what we should be doing. Of course, the coyotes are afraid of us. Yes, they are not afraid of our dogs and they are hunting our animals. And that's terrible. But we always are told. From our point of view. We are always told that they're always more afraid of us than we are of them.

I don't know. Is that not true? Do we actually think coyotes are sizing us up? I think coyotes are. They no longer have any fear of us at all. I do think that's true. I don't know that they're necessarily going to attack us because we

are still bigger than they are. I don't think so, yes. But I don't think that they, I think that they look at us as amusing distractions. Now a mountain lion, different story. We actually hear of that, or a bear, whatever. I haven't heard of a coyote attacking an adult. Has that happened? I have not heard of that. But in the first segment

we heard Gwen say that she saw the coyote standing up and dancing. Standing up on its top legs though, which that gives you a handstand. Yeah, that gives you pause. I'm sorry. I fell right into your trap I'm so sorry uh okay so then I just feel like it's a little bit of an aggressive stance and and and again I I

she doth protest too much me things you know of like she's a coyote all right maybe maybe maybe the phrase doesn't apply you know i just think that i think it's that thing of acting does i think she's acting too tough i think she's scared sometimes just that simple dark what did he say what does dog mean I just I guess I mean to say I feel like she's overcompensating I think that she is afraid I think she's acting too tough she's terrified

yeah and this isn't the way to go about it to make everybody else feel bad for you know taking their own self defense measures and I just think coyotes are an issue in what seems like almost every neighborhood. Yes. No matter where you are.

All over the United States. All over the United States. They're everywhere. And you just got to do what you got to do to, you know, do what makes you comfortable. But I'm not sure that we need to go start an all-out human against coyote war. I don't think we should do that.

I don't think we should do that either. I would like to see people doing the umbrella thing, though. Chook, chook, chook, chook, chook, chook, chook, chook, chook, chook, chook, chook. against coyote war. I don't think we should do that. I would like to see people doing the umbrella thing though. That's the sound he makes in Indiana. I just watched it recently. Did I do good? There you go. That's another sound effect. I do very well. There you go. I blew it with the iPhone alarm earlier. That's what I can do. What was the first one that was good? I can't remember. Well, it was a dishwasher, but it wasn't the dishwasher. I can't remember what I did. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, yeah. Like the sound of rubbing something that's squeaky clean. Yes, rubbing a squeaky clean plate. Squeaky clean. Squeaky clean. Squeaky clean. Like a brick. Yes.

Like a brick. Like a brick. So there you go. That's another thing I can do very well. There we go. We got two. We got the Henry Jones Sr. Chasing away a flock of birds down a Nazi plane.

Down a Nazi plane. They totally worked. He just went. And you know, they did go in the engine. They went through the windows and just blinded him. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Exactly.

That was what happened. Otherwise, he would have been fine. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. That was what happened. Otherwise, he would have been fine. Otherwise, he would have been fine, probably. He was really just startled more than anything and it caused him to crash his plane. Now I'm just thinking of all the ridiculous things with that movie. I still haven't seen the most recent one.

You know what? There's some fun stuff in it. I love it. Okay. Alright, Doug. Well, of course, Doug loves it. He as indiana jones for halloween five times real in a row can't get no no there was one there were two years that were in a row back to back yes uh kink and if it he just let listen i'm not gonna i'm not gonna lie the outfit's sexy sure you know the whip the hat it's fun stuff let me ask you this have you guys done couples costumes oh this is the end of the whip, the hat. It's fun stuff. Let me ask you this. Have you guys done couples costumes? Oh, absolutely. This is the end of the show, by the way.

You can stay or go. We're just going to keep talking. Exactly. If I were you, I'd turn this off right now. Agreed. Yes. So what couples costumes have you done? Well, we've done Rhett Butler and Scarlett.

Oh, sure. Role reversal? We've done, oh, well, that could be good. This is, here, I would say this to any couple. If you're considering a couple's costume, get two years out of it. You do it one year, then you switch the roles the next year. Love it. And somebody says, well, weren't you this last year?

It's like, oh. That's right no now i am goldfinger and i am james bond that's what most couples do james bond and goldfinger one of the famous duos that's right i'll name a more iconic one. I'll wait. He won't be waiting long, I don't think. All right. Well, I guess it's time to wrap it up.

Yes, we really should wrap it up properly. Thank you so much for listening. We really do appreciate it. And if you'd like to hear ad-free versions of the show, you could. Versions? Did I say versions? Yes, you did. If you want to hear ad-free versions, best of luck to you.

You've come to the wrong place. If you'd like to hear ad-free versions of these episodes, you can sign up at cbbworld.com where you'll also get additional content from us called The Bonus Room. Yes, that's right. It's just like sort of our rooms in our house that are extra.

So extra. But it's a full-size room. So random. It's a full-size room extra it's a full-size episode exclusive yeah that's right that's right but it's vip it's where we do we have different things happening sometimes we won't even be on those episodes it might be other people from dignity falls that's right um but it's it's things that are that deviate from our our standard format but just to give you more of a peek inside the world of Dignity Falls. Yes, peek behind the Dignity curtain. That's exactly right, Joan.

Well, that's it for us. We will see you again next week. And until then, goodbye. And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker.

And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Hannah Pilkus. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes, exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.