The Neighborhood Listen - Is Your House Haunted?! with Tawny Newsome

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

This week, Burnt and Joan are still braving quarantine as a special spooky neighbor (Tawny Newsome) drops by with ghost hunting tips! Plus, a "Corn Joan", serendipity and more. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Look out, Canadian listeners, this one's for you. Coho is a mastercard with an easy-to-use app that makes managing your finances easier. Coho lets you earn cash back, borrow, build your credit history, and so much more. Join over 1 million Canadians and sign up for your free trial today. Download Coho on Google or App Store today or koho.ca for more details. Plus, for any basketball fans out there, get a $75 e-gift card for nbastore.ca when you sign up with the promo code koho75. That's code koho75. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is.

All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest is Tawny Newsome. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls,

you're never alone. You've got the Neighbor Half-Aff and us. Bert. And Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. so just tune in welcome once again to the neighborhood listen i'm your host burmia payday and i'm joan corn pedestrian. Now, you,

you have, have you added, I didn't realize you added, uh, Doug's maiden name to your name. We had a discussion. Yeah. Well,

listen, there's not a whole lot going on. It's just me and Doug talking at each other a lot, trying to avoid the boys who are going to burn the place down. They're losing their minds. July. He hasn't come out of her room in three days she's just done with us yeah it's getting real it's getting a little real over here yeah and we were talking and you know he just he he let me know that he thought maybe it was possible that i could meet him halfway and and have his name in my name somewhere. Somewhere.

Somewhere. Either in the first, the middle, or the end. And I just said, well, maybe it's best to do the middle. Oh, he didn't mean like maybe to bisect your last name and put it in there like peddicornstrian. There's no good version. That works for me.

Pedestricorn. He liked all of them. We got out, we wrote on the window you know, Good Will Hunting style, you know, because why not? And we wrote on the window a bunch of different algorithms of what it could be and not a single one of them were pleasant to me, but he liked

all of them. How many permutations could there have been, really? We came up with like 20. It was crazy. That's astonishing. It it was crazy that's astonishing it really was that's that's that's and we've got to dumb ones where you just literally don't even stick it in you just say corn pedestrian which is actually what we ended up with yes but but but but as my middle name and my last name not just all my last name you know so there was a permutation where it was corn corn joan pedestrian absolutely was there was and then there was a permutation where it was corn, corn, Joan pedestrian. Absolutely was.

And then there was just certain letters. So there was cone pedestrian, you know, and Jorn pedestrian. And I thought that sounded like a, you know, like a, like a star Wars character. Absolutely. Right. I do like the name corn Joan. It puts me in mind of a Johnny Appleseed type character,

just a woman going around planting corn all over the place. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if we could use someone like that right now, we sure could. We could use a corn Joan right now. Oh boy. Oh boy. We need a corn Joan. So yes, I decided that when we're done with all this and I can go legally change my name, I will, I will make sure that it's Joan Korn Pedestrian. Haven't discussed if I'm going to put it on the bus stops and all that stuff yet. The bench ads, yes. The bench ads and the pads of paper that I pass out. But, you know, that's obviously a discussion for a later time. Indeed.

for a later time. Indeed. But what a wonderful message of solidarity in your marriage in these troubling times that you are indeed a family. Oh, indeed. We really are. And we have Doug out of the quarantine room because that was just not good.

Yeah, he's just sitting there in the pitch dark, losing his mind. Doug, where are you now? This is an undisclosed vacation. I almost said vacation. Undisclosed vacation. Certainly not a vacation. It's not a vacation.

You keep reminding me of that. Do you remember that Beastie Boys album, Undisclosed Vacation? I don't, but Doug would. He loved the Beastie Boys. Is that true, Doug? I enjoy Beastie Boys. I enjoy My Namesake Korn. I don't remember Undisclosed Vacation.

Is that not a Beastie Boys album? Am I misremembering? Let me... He's going to look it up. Let's face it. It's not worth spending this much time on. Why don't we move on? That's probably best.

That's probably best. Now, once again, we are coming to you from self-quarantine. We're in our respective homes and we are recording remotely. So we're not in the same room. Yes. And I apologize for the sound, listeners. It was pointed out to us that I sounded like a traffic control, not a

traffic control, like someone in a helicopter doing the traffic. Traffic reporter. And we thought it'd be a little fun. Remember in Good Morning Vietnam when Robin Williams did that bit where he went like this and said, well, we, Dignity Falls, we've got, you know, a backup.

There's a big rig stuck on Thomas Jefferson Boulevard and Warren G. Harding, and we've got to clear that out. So make sure you don't take that route because it's terrible. I think he said something about a water buffalo being jackknifed, and I thought that was funny, but I don't want to steal that. I can see that, of course. Although Robin Williams was accused of stealing jokes. What no one can see is that Joan is pounding on her chest like Robin Williams did in Good Morning Vietnam. Oh, yes, that is what – oh, I suppose – wow.

Do you think anyone was confused and thought it was actually a helicopter? Well, I was realizing that you didn't say what you were doing, and I could see it, and you could see me, but the listener couldn't see. And so, of course, you could see Robin Williams do it in the movie. That's fair. But this would be the first time someone was listening to it without a visual. And so I thought maybe we should mention this is what's going on. Well, it is true. Now I feel like we have to describe everything that we're doing.

Bert, it does look like you're in, is it silk pajamas? Yes, I did buy myself. I did buy myself a pair of silk pajamas to wait out this, this quarantine. To wait it out. They look, is it a paisley?? It is a Paisley. Yes. It's a matter Paisley. And, uh, they're very comfortable. What's the matter Paisley? Nothing. What's the matter with you? This is fun. This is fun. Because these are homonyms and homophones and we're having a good time. But what is, what is that type of Paisley you just said? Uh, that's what it said on the

label. I do not know other than that but when i thought maybe you were a paisley expert i wish i were but you know what i have time to become one you sure do now now that we're stuck at home of course i'm just going to work at the pharmacy and going straight home and uh and no stops in between um i i made sure to buy for my friday nights uh to buy a few handles of vodka. And I'm all set. I'm all set. I've got my energy bars. I've got my circus.

Right. I've got my vodka. Right. I got to say, your color does look a little worse. Is it a little greener? It's a little more neon? A little greener. You're a little bit greener, I got to say.

But it does look nice with the pajamas, doesn't it? It really compliments it. It really compliments it. It really compliments it. Now, you alluded to your Murphy bed last week, and that was a story for another time, and the other time is now, just so you know. Yes, the Murphy bed is still in that same position where it's sort of locked in a sort of, speaking of jackknife, it's locked in a, in a, in a sort of, speaking of jackknife, it's locked in a jackknife position. And I've tried sleeping on it every which way. I'm not getting the best sleep. Could you tell me what angle it's jackknifed at, Bert? Well, it's, you know, the way it works is you, the, the, when it's in the wall,

the foot of the bed is at the top. And so you pull that down. Yes. the bed is at the top. And so you pull that down. Yes. You see, so it, it, it's, it doesn't come down all the way. So the foot of the bed is at a, I'm going to say a 25 degree angle. That's terrible. You can't be sleeping on that. Can you sleep on your couch? I, the couch, unfortunately, I did a thing a long time ago where i um i tried to make my couch into a sectional uh it was not a sectional but i i i made it into one and so there's uh how did you do that you didn't saw your couch in half i just saw my couch in half yeah i got one of those uh i had one of those songs that it's a two-person saw that lumberjacks use

I had one of those saws that it's a two-person saw that Lumberjacks use. And how did you use it alone? Well, I had one of those exercise bands that I put around the one handle, secured that to the window. Bert, you've been preparing for quarantine your whole life and you didn't even know it. Well, this was just,

I just thought it would be nice if I had the guest over. We don't have to sit right next to each other on the couch. Have you had a guest over since you've done that? No, no one's ever been in here. And so, so now I have this couch that I've tried to sleep on it, but the sections drift apart. And then I wake up. Did you, let me guess that your couch has wheels on it for some inexplicable reason. One side does. So couch has wheels on it for some inexplicable reason. One side does.

So it just wheels away from... Yeah, because I figured the one section could remain stationary. Stational, fine, why not? I can move the other one around as needed. But the problem is the one side wheels away and then I end up just sort of sitting on the floor. like the one side wheels away and then end up just sort of sitting on the on the on the floor um where uh my i'm just in a in a sort of uh uh u-shape um and uh that's how i work so if you tried to sleep on your couch the top or bottom half would slowly separate all night long that's exactly right that's exactly good lord you know we should just drop off a car i've got i've got

sort of a cot that we use for camping. I should just drop it off. It's not safe. It's not safe. It's not safe. The cot dropping off. Of course it is. It's fine. I'll just drop it off and you just wait. And then you sand it to you slice. I'll spray the cot. And you know, it gets into a whole, gets into a whole thing. I'm fine. I don't worry. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. Well, let's just go on with business as usual. Okay.

We've got some posts to share and that's right. This is our look at our neighborhood dignity falls. This one really concerned me for a lot of reasons, especially for what we're going through right now, but also just, just take a listen. This is from Linda, and it says, serendipity. Please don't laugh, my dear neighbors. I know we have so many serious issues going on in our world, but I need some love advice. This just seems ill-timed. I was driving down Thomas Jefferson Boulevard on Friday morning and almost went off the road

when I saw the most handsome man driving beside me. We kept smiling at one another and said hello at the stoplight. So I guess they rolled down their windows. I'm not even sure that's advisable right now. It was rush hour traffic, so we safely pulled over for a quick minute. How did they even decide to do that? I know his name is Mark.

I guess just the pointing. You know, you do the pointing. You're looking at each other in the window and you're pointing over there, over there, over there. Sure, sure. Okay, right. That makes sense. He drives a black... black okay i know his name is mark he drives a black g wagon mercedes truck and he has an accent australian or south african maybe mid-40s how do

i find this missed love connection we were right near federal uh i gave him my number but scribbled it so fast i know it was illegible Help this horribly single neighbor find love, please. Now, I mean, I have so many questions. First of all, they really did have, if they pulled over, she could have asked all of these questions. She could have asked them all very, very quickly and, and, and been sure of where he was from. And also why did she scribble her number? Because don't you just put it in someone else's phone? Don't you just text your phone number? That's the modern thing, isn't it? And I don't know why she would be writing it down and scribbling so fast.

If she knew it was illegible. Then why didn't she rewrite it? Exactly. And here's the other problem too. I hate to tell you, Linda, I hate to tell you, but I feel like this guy would just dirty John you. This like a dirty john oh dear do you know what i'm talking about why does he sound like a dirty john we know nothing about him other than he's handsome that's all we have to know first handsome you're already halfway to a dirty john sorry that's how

life works these days ladies just so you know handsome you got to be 50% on your guard already. Already. You don't get just to have handsome. There's always a catch. So handsome, A. B, accent, forget it. That gets us to 75%. This math is good. This math checks out. And also, you know, a fancy car.

And that he pulled over. These days, ladies, don't pull over on the side of a road with a gentleman you don't know. And that he only gave his first name, Mark. Dirty Mark. I'm telling you, Linda, it's Dirty Mark. I think you've made your case. And this fellow is a murderous hustler. That was my initial instinct.

I mean, did you even listen to that podcast? Or did you watch that show? Eric Bana. Woof. He's a dog? Oh, come on, Bert. No, I mean, woof as in he's handsome. Oh, I see.

You know, having never seen Doug, is he handsome? Do you consider him handsome? Would he be considered handsome? Doug is absolutely handsome. Dan, Doug is, I don't know why i was gonna say dance doug is i call him clean doug because he's definitely not a dirty john and i just got real lucky i got real real lucky with him i find him very attractive but you did say handsome has there's always a drawback so what are the drawbacks well you know uh i think that we we

know some of them from this podcast he's got some little he's just had, you know, I think that we know some of them from this podcast. He's got some little, you know, sometimes he just, he doesn't know when he's in the dark or the light. Sometimes he doesn't see things when I put them in front of him. When I remind him to do certain things, he doesn't seem to remember. I don't know. What would you say that you're what would you say your strengths and weaknesses were, babe? I think my weakness is I care too much sometimes. Yeah. And strength is just physical strength, I think.

Take that literally. Your biggest strength is strength. His biggest strength is strength. Literal strength. But also, you know, I think I've been good at recording this show. True. From, you know, all sorts of locations. Right now, I'm just sort of on the move.

Yeah, he's actually. Around the house. Is that wise? I don't know if that's wise. He's just moving all around. He's going from. It's a marathon recording session. He's just going to try every single. He's just going to around. He's going from it's a marathon recording session. He's just going to try every single he's going to move.

He's just going to this this one around. He just literally doesn't stop moving. Just kind of darting around room to room, trying to maintain distance. You know, you don't want to say are you being chased? Yeah, the twins are chasing the virus for for the whole entire morning. They the twins are chasing him. They've been chasing him for the whole entire morning. They've just been chasing him. And you said they were going to burn the house down at one point. Is that figurative

or is that literal? Oh, it's absolutely. Have you met them? It's absolutely literal. It's absolutely literal. Do you know what's funny is I... One of them lit a match and said, I'm going to burn this. I'm going to... I forget my French, but I'm going to burn this motherfucker down. That was 7 a.m. this morning. Do you know?

Well, that's very disturbing, I think. Thank you. It's terrifying. It's scarier in here than out there. I'm just telling you. I guarantee you. You don't need no water. I've not met both of the twins. I've met

Matt, but I haven't met Trin. I thought you had. Trin looks like. Well, you know what? They are twins. Exactly. They are twins. So I don't know.

And if you think that they don't use that to their advantage all the time, they definitely do. They definitely do. Instead of, you know, instead of trying the parent trap, instead of trying to us together uh because we tried to get us to get divorced they tried to trick us oh that's you know what that's actually let's copyright this idea now because that is a great idea for a movie if it hasn't been done yeah they tried to get their parents to split a malevolent parent trap i like that a lot that's right all right uh uh oh so back to okay so linda linda right, it's not time to make a love connection Okay, just consider yourself

Lucky that Mark didn't become your next You know, financial or worse Just regular victim Because I bet you right now He's talking to someone else on the side of the road You don't want to be, exactly You don't want to be Matt's unwitting pay pig Woo, that's true

What a phrase It's quite a phrase, isn't it? unwitting pay pig? Woo, that's true. What a phrase. It's quite a phrase, isn't it? Yeah, pay pig. Pay pig. Yeah, that's nice. I guess it is. What was the one from that? Corn Joan. Oh, Corn Joan, where are you? Remember Corn Joan?

What a folk song that could be. Corn Joan, where have you gone? We need you, Corn Joan. I'm not the singer. Oh, please, please, please. So, honestly, when she says serendipity, I do think it's serendipity.

That all this happened and we have to be in our own homes and she doesn't get to see Mark again. Who's probably at home sitting listening to our podcast going, oh, it's too bad that I can't be with this girl because she scribbled her number

I don't know is that good I've been working on it I've been working on my accent since I've been stuck at home I mean that's a wonderful that's a wonderful either Australian or South African accent I thought that was terrific I think I was trying to hit it just in the middle there you did you had to scrunch up your face and they just said to tuck like this.

That's sort of what it is, right? Joan is scrunching her face up, much like Robin Williams probably did in several movies. Should I also do this? Now, this is an Australian in a helicopter. Well, we do have to take a break because we have a guest that's going to be joining us on the line. And so we'll take a quick break to sanitize. And then we'll return with more. We'll never listen.

Hello, it's Letitia. Hello, it's Letitia. Free broken pieces of ceramic pottery and glass. I came to the realization I will never finish a project I started years ago. I would like to give a box full of pretty broken material saved over the years to an artist, teacher, anyone who could use them. Bring your own box. Hmm. Pretty broken material.

I suppose that could describe me as well. Project never finished. Doesn't that describe all of us did i say bring her a box and welcome back to the neighborhood listen joan we have a guest this is a very interesting guest that we have yes yes it is and and and and and i don't think we've we've had a person like this on the show before and we're so thrilled that they could join us uh uh especially uh given that we're we're we're all uh recording in our own homes and and uh we're so grateful this person for joining us

because i think we're gonna have a fascinating conversation i think so too this is posted by rosenkrantz this is the first r first Rosenkranz we've had on the show. I know, wonderful. But now I'm confused. Okay. It's posted by Rosenkranz. Then the subject is, is your house haunted?

Call us. Then, different name in the body of the post. My name is Helix. I'm a paranormal investigator together with my husband, presumably, Rosencrantz. Sure, sure. We investigate haunted locations and try to find the cause behind it.

If you're being tormented by a spirit or relentless activity, call me. We are available Fridays to Mondays. What? Fridays to Mondays, every week after dark. Fridays to mondays only after dark what is fridays to mondays every week after dark make sure you have a list of activity that goes on

and be truthful so we can try to help this is amazing so we have here i'm going to assume this is Helix. Helix, are you there? I am. Hi. Hi, guys. Helix, hi there. And your husband is Rosencrantz? Yeah, yeah. His name is Rosencrantz. And that's his given name.

That's his Christian name. And is Helix your given Christian name as well? It is. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't it be cute if I was Guildenstern? Wouldn't that be cute? That would be cute. That's a Hamlet reference

for you listeners out there. But I'm not. My parents didn't read Shakespeare, so I'm just a helix, you know. And where did that name come from? Why'd they name you a helix? My parents are DNA scientists. Is that true? Yeah. They do a lot of

science with DNA. This is going to seem like a crazy question. And it's going to seem like it's out of left field. Are you a twin? And is your sibling also named Helix? Oh, man, would that be cool? Man, you guys keep coming up with cooler things than what my reality is. No, no, no, no.

Your reality sounds very cool because of what you do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell us exactly what it is you would do. Say, and first of all, I'd be very truthful, but say, and I'll tell you actually, because this actually happened to us. We used to think that Doug's grandmother was haunting us because every time we would, well, kind of be in bed, downstairs TV would always turn on and no matter what time of day, Wheel of Fortune would come on. So we weren't sure if that was paranormal activity or not. But if you came into my house, what would you what would you do? Just walk us through what you do to help people? Absolutely. Thank you so much. Yeah. So first, what I would do is I would

come into your home and any areas that you had identified as being the source of any sort of paranormal activity, then I would take out my instruments. They are instruments that are used to detect spectral occurrences. Oh, it's a fun way of singing everything. That's fun. Well, what I like to do, you know, I think it's respectful of me whenever I'm talking about something that has to do with the realm of ghosts or spirits is to speak in their dialect. You know, it's the least we can do. In the way that, you know, you try to speak to a whale with whale sounds. Is this how it works?

You actually have to speak to ghosts. We've always done that as a joke. Like, ooh. But is that the official language of ghosts? Do you know what it puts me in mind of is when newscasters will pronounce a word in another language in the accent of that language. Oh, yes. It's a sign of respect. Yes, exactly.

It's like if you're going to France, you better learn a couple phrases. If we're trying to speak to a ghost or a spirit, we better at least, you know, come to them on their level. At least we can do. Now, Helix, can I ask you about your instruments? You said you use your instruments. What are these instruments? What do they do? What do they measure? What do they affect? Yes, well, some of them are very proprietary, but I can't tell you about a few of them. My most effective instrument is just a cup against a wall. So just like the old-fashioned eavesdropping method you put a cup against the wall is that

because the ghosts are in the walls is that where they like to reside uh well ghosts live all kinds of places in your home in the air in the fabric and the walls they really can choose to be anywhere but in the fabric they can live in your curtains in your bed sheets. Absolutely. Absolutely in the bed sheets. Yeah. So you could have, well, I mean, I guess that makes sense because the classic rendition of a ghost as we know it is, it looks like a bed sheet. That's correct. That's right. That's where it came from.

Yeah. They love your bed sheets, your bed sheets, because think about it all day long. You're not there. What better place for a ghost to rest? You have a point. You have a point. So when you take a nap, you really yuck their yum, I'm telling you. Well, I mean, if you're a believer of the supernatural, that is very rude of you to do. And I got to ask you, what did you did you name the instruments?

I know you said proprietary and we have a cup. Is there any other time? That's right. The cup against the wall. Yeah, the cup against the wall. Yeah, absolutely. So the cup against the wall. That's where I start, you know, because the walls people always say if these walls can

talk, well, newsflash for the supernatural among us. They do. that is basically like their internet their instagram their myspace if you will so i take a listen to the walls and i see what what the ghosts are chattering about what they're talking about do they like you and that's the first thing i'll do i'll tell you guys hey your ghosts they're happy with you i'm sorry ghosts they're happy with you oh, what happens if you forget to do that sound one time? Well, you know, one time I think they'll let me off the hook because I am pretty respectful of their culture. But, you know, if you do it too often, it's like you're

kind of denying their humanity. But they will let you off the hook one time. So let me ask you. Yes, go ahead. No, no. She just I just want to repeat. You said that they don't want anything because I was going to ask you, what do they want of us or from us? But they actually don't. We always think of them as scary. Can I try it? We always think of ghosts. Did I do that right? Oh, it's very good. Yeah. Your pronunciation is beautiful. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Do you also have to do it for the word scary? do it for the word scary if you're talking about any sort of paranormal activity anything really that pertains to what you're talking about you know if you're hearing like let's say someone knocks on your front door right that that's that's an english word knock but if it's a ghost who's

knocking then i think you do need to put it in their dialect just to show respect. Got it. Got it. Okay. That makes sense. How did you and Rosencrantz, were you individuals who were paranormal investigators and then you found each other? Or did you become paranormal investigators after you became a couple? Was it a meet cute in like a haunted house? Was it a meet cute? Oh, meet cute. Now, see, you wouldn't do it there because ghosts aren't meeting. Oh, shoot.

That was wrong. We were wrong about that one. That's okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. By the end of our interview, we'll all learn. No, Rosencrantz and I did meet at a meet up for ghost hunters. And so we locked eyes across the room and, you know, we just saw something in each other. I think I think he saw a gentleness in me. I'm very gentle in my words and in my footfall.

You never hear me if I show up behind you. You'll never hear it. I startle so many baristas, cashiers. It's a real problem. I know the baristas are facing you. Sometimes they turn around to make the espresso, and if you sneak up on them, and then the next thing you say is, you know, you're ordered real loud. The number of people that jump out of their skin around me,

it's rough. I should wear a bell around my neck. Oh, my goodness. So you two, so you met. Tell me what struck you about him when you first saw him. You know, what I liked about him is that he took up a lot of space. He wasn't scared. You know, a lot of us, a lot of us.

Is he a large person? Well, he's average size, but just in his presence, when he walks into a room, like you notice Rosencrantz, whether it's a brightly colored patterned jacket he's wearing or whether he's speaking through a megaphone, he always lets you know. Does he do that often? Sometimes it's a good way to get people's attention. So you are the opposite. You balance each other. You never know when you're coming and you always know when he's about to come around. Exactly. We're kind of a yin and yang. How does that apply? If you look at that symbol, doesn't it look like two ghosts?

It does. You know what? You've got me there. Better safe than rude is what I say. Sure. Can I ask a question about Rosencrantz's megaphone? Are we talking like a battery-powered bullhorn? Are we talking about the old college 1920s cheerleader sort of thing he has both depending on the the you know he reads the room and he decides which one is going to be appropriate

but he travels with both yeah what the full the uh the the 1920s one is a fold-up style you know it's actually a camping edition and then oh like those cups that collapse uh-huh, exactly. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, yeah. I think you can get it at any kind of outdoor outfitters. And then, yeah, and then he does have the regular battery-powered one as well. But, yeah, he's just a big, bright, fun, loud guy who always breaks whatever he's holding.

What's not to love? Anyway. Sort of Lenny from Mice and Men. Yeah, he doesn't know his own strength. And he doesn't have a strong grasp of gravity. And he likes to throw stuff. So put those three together. Now, what does that mean, not a grasp of gravity?

He doesn't get that it's always there. Like, I think he believes it comes and goes. You know how some days it's not windy? Well, for him, that's how he views gravity. Like, maybe not today. And so he'll just drop a plate of scrambled eggs. Thinking that it will stay there in the air? Yeah, just the same way that you might put out your laundry on a day that's not windy

on the clothesline and it's still there. But if you put it out on a blustery day, your underwear is down a hill. I mean, I guess that's true. This sounds wacky. Where is he right now? He's actually out putting out laundry

right now. No wind today. Okay. You guys don't have a dryer. You like a line-dried sheet? Well, we like to use it as a show of solidarity with the ghosts. Because the hung sheet looks just like a ghost.

And also, if the ghosts are in the sheets, then that's a nice day for them outside. Yeah, sometimes if they sleep in, you know, if they don't wake up when you come to rouse them or when you make your bed or whatever, then you could take the sheets that they're in and yeah, take them out for a field trip. Do they like to be outside? That I wouldn't know.

Oh, now why is that? That's one blind spot in your expertise. Well, you know, as much as I try to speak to them and speak in their dialect, they don't speak directly to me. I'm able to eavesdrop on them, listen into their conversations when they're occupying someone else's home, per se. But, yeah, they don't really talk to me. It's a little sad that the thing I love most in this world just doesn't even acknowledge my existence but um oh the ghost you love most in the world not I love my work you know I think we we both we have a shared love of our work and that that

helps us love each other even more but now that I'm thinking about it now, not one of these spectral beings has ever acknowledged my presence even in the slightest. So. So, oh, well, I'm so sorry. Are you OK? You know, I get down in the doldrums sometimes, but, you know, it's good to be alive. Oh, well, that's certainly true right now. That is true. If you if you never get to speak to them directly, how is it that you get them out of the house? And what are the conversations?

What are they talking about when you eavesdrop on these conversations? And then how do you get them to leave? Excellent question. So have you ever been to a very beautiful manicured backyard of maybe a wealthy friend you have? Well, I mean. Once or twice. I just have to look out the window. Oh, I mean, once or twice. I just have to look out the window. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Well, then you're familiar with the idea of

pathways, right? If you have a big, beautiful garden and it's just all plants, how do you know where to go? However, maybe you take some flagstone, maybe you take some decking, maybe you take some decomposed granite and you spread it in a path. You create pathways and avenues for your guests and yourself to walk through. And that's how you go through your garden. Well, we did a combination of flagstone and sort of like a cedar plank walkway. We have both. And so I know exactly what you're talking about with pathways. So I just wanted to brag about my backyard a little bit. walkway we we have both and so i know exactly what you're talking about with pathways so um

i just wanted to brag about my backyard a little bit no jones joan has pride of place about her backyard it's beautiful i do uh and beautiful in my apartment i've taken uh some of those practice uh putting green strips and uh put them in various places over the carpeting um you just have a little greenery so you feel like you've got a yard too exactly yeah so you guys are familiar so that's what we do uh with these um supernatural beings we create pathways for them to escape to the out of doors we create enticing avenues for them to follow that is not your home and then we teach them what they want. Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt. Oh, no, we just teach them that they can thrive anywhere. And so we try to, you know, I don't like to use the word lure. I like to use the word entice because it's not an antagonistic relationship with the ghosts. It's it's very symbiotic. We want them to be happy. We just maybe don't want them messing around in our pantry. So what? Absolutely not. What pathways? What what is what material makes for a good ghost pathway?

Or is it figurative? It's both. It's literal and figurative. So figuratively, you have to create the pathway with your mind, which is create a healthy avenue for this ghost to escape. Figuratively, you need to get a bunch of ghost figurines and toys and just line them up in a row and then the specter will follow them like breadcrumbs. Okay.

Like you mean like the Ghostbusters ghost, like something like that. A toy version of that. You put that on the ground or a Casper, the friendly ghost. That figurine. Does it have to be figurine? You know, the closer it looks to what we commonly associate with ghosts, the better. So the idea is that the spirits will see representations of themselves and they'll say, oh, I should be going to that.

Representation matters, absolutely. If they can see themselves walking out of your house, then that gives them the foresight, the insight, the ability to see themselves literally walking out of your house. Airtight. Let me ask you this. Have you gotten any takers on your post?

Has there been anyone in Dignity Falls that has asked you and Rosencrantz to come over and investigate? Especially now. What a tricky time for your business, I imagine. Exactly, exactly. This is a tough time. Yeah, people don't want folks in their home. And I do respect and understand that. We do have to maintain a social distance.

But like I tell them on the phone, okay, I don't have to come into your house. But you know who's not respecting your social distance but like i tell them on the phone okay i don't have to come into your house but you know who's not respecting your social distance are those ghosts they are not social distancers you're right they are paranormally sneezing and coughing all over you basically they have it they well i'm just saying i'm trying to extend the metaphor i don't know i am not a licensed i just wondered if they were susceptible to this thing as well. Time will tell. You are the first paranormal investigator that we've spoken to, so we look to you to know, can ghosts catch the COVID-19 virus?

These are the questions that are not being asked. Honestly, it's a little too early in the virus's trajectory to truly know. We'd have to run some clinical trials for the ghost. But what I can tell you is that they are able to contract mumps and scabies. Now, how did you discover this? I heard them chattering about it in the walls. With your cup. Uh-huh.

Yeah. It's an effective listening device. It really is. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know, I remember as a child, a neighbor of mine, she got the mumps. And I remember seeing her and seeing her face all puffed up. And I can't remember, did I go there specifically to

see that? Like, did I know this was happening? And then her mother said, sure, come and take a look. And then I looked at her. I don't know why that happened, but I vividly remember seeing her name. Her name was Nina. And I remember seeing her sitting in a chair, absolutely miserable, with her face all puffed up, just looking at me like, why is this happening? Oh, dear. Oh, my word. Oh, that's terrible. It sounds like something that will haunt you forever.

It haunts me. It haunts me. The other thing I remember about this family is that Nina's mother, Mary, I remember when my mother said she had perfect knees. I was not aware that this was an area we should be striving for perfection in. I mean, do we have to worry about every other part of her body? Now we've got to have perfect knees? What constitutes a perfect knee? I could never figure it out.

I could never figure it out. Her knees look just like everyone else's knees to me. I couldn't tell you the difference between one person's knee and another to this day. That's true. If someone were to line up a bunch of famous knees, I wouldn't get one right. I feel like elbows have more variation than knees do. Yeah, elbows have a lot of personality. They sure do. They sure do. Yeah, elbows have a lot of personality. They sure do. They sure do.

So, okay, so sorry. So we know the ghosts can get the moms. Do we, so have there been, how are you dealing with answering requests for your assistance in this time of quarantine? Well, you know what they say, you teach a man to fish, he'll continue to fish

and then he won't need your services anymore. So I have been battling that in myself. I want to empower people with the knowledge to exercise their own spirits. But I am a little concerned that that means I'm not going to have a lot of business when this hopefully all God willing clears up. But I do think for public safety, it is important that I put these skills in the hands of the everyday person. So I conduct online workshops and I do over the phone consultations. And yeah, it takes a lot of work, but you can master my skills. And you said in your post that you're not even asking for money. This is just a thing that you and Rosencrantz want to do just for the service of it.

Absolutely. I did find, I did use to ask for money just to offset my costs, not even to make a profit. And I did find out that that was deeply illegal. And what are your, what are your costs? What's your overhead? Like what, what, what are your actual like, yeah. How much does the cup cost and what are you spending money on? Well, I do like to get a good sturdy cup from like a, like a pottery barn or something. Like I don't go for a dollar store plastic.

Like I want a nice, you know, earthenware. Do you not reuse these cups? Is that the issue? I do sometimes, but they do break whenever my husband picks it up, of course, you know, so a lot of our costs. Breaking that earthenware all the time, every other day. A lot of our costs are from Rosa Krantz breaking things. So any cup he holds, gone. Many things in the customer's home do get broken because he has to come in.

He has to take measurements. And so anything he touches is a goner. So there's all the things we break in people's homes. There's our car when he insists to drive it. Bad news bears there. So we have gone through 13 cars this year. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why is that? What is he doing? You know, it's that hand-eye coordination, lack of gravity awareness, running it into a tree. I love it. Felix, can I say, it's not my place to meddle in someone's marriage. I'm a pharmacist. But do you think that Rosencrantz's issues with things like gravity are perhaps hampering more than just your paranormal investigations,

but could perhaps be endangering your life. Sure. And what a costly, I don't want to say disability, but. I'm comfortable saying that it's a disability. It seems to seem like a disability. I wouldn't call it an ability. Certainly not. It's not helping anything. That's right. It's not covered under the American Disabilities Act because no one's ever heard of it before. So it's either extremely rare or, yeah, it's unclear.

I think it is extremely rare. I think we could at least say that. Yes. It's extremely rare. I've never heard of it before. It's definitely a problem. But, yeah, to answer your question, I mean do i do worry about my safety you know i don't want to be just a woman alone out in the world you know hunting ghosts and specters and spirits

and demons and demons and banshees but you know i i look at it this way he's you know 38 some odd years old and he got this far in his life and he's alive and fine so So now with me looking out for him, looking out for the both of us, I actually think he's safer and better off and I'm safer because I have a greater awareness. Can I ask you this? When he says, uh, I'm going to drive, what do you say? Do you say, Hey, that's not a good idea because you don't think the gravity is real. Sometimes I do. And sometimes, you know, in a marriage,

you got to pick your battles. You know, if I had to load the dishwasher that. And sometimes, you know, in a marriage, you got to pick your battles. You know, if I had to load the dishwasher that morning, you know, you can't argue about the same things every day. You got to stagger it at least. That's right. The dishwasher is more important than the gravity issue. I mean, you know, how do you how do you stack the dishwasher on any given day? It can really depend. Some days I'm like, please don't pick up the neighbor's dog. You're going to kill that poor animal. And some days I'm just like, you know what? You're right. I didn't start the laundry and now we've got mildewed clothes in the washer. So I get it. I mean, it'd be tricky if you wanted to have children. I mean, I don't want to I don't want to pry.

But is that maybe something that you're interested in? And perhaps that would be, you know, you were mentioning you sort of feel lonely or yearning for a connection. That could be something. Oh, I guess I hadn't given it much thought. I'm pretty focused on my work, but I guess it's something I'd be open to. It's nice to teach my craft maybe to someone. To pass it down. Yeah, pass it down, pass it around. Another bottle of beer on the wall. Who knows? I just? Oh, go wash your hands, Bert. That's my hand-washing song. I do 15 bottles of beer.

That's good. That's a long time. It works out to 20 seconds. 20 bottles of beer worked out to 30 seconds. That's too long. 15 bottles of beer works perfectly to 20 seconds. I must be singing a different song. Wait, can you demonstrate it for me?

Because I think that would take me about two and a half minutes. 15 bottles of beer on the wall, 15 bottles of beer. You take one down, you pass it around. 14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer. Okay, you are going to make it much faster. This is going to be longer than 20 seconds, though. I do think you're right. It's a jolly song. So you sing it at a good clip.

It's not like happy birthday. Happy birthday is a dirge. Happy birthday is a dirge. You, it's a jolly song, so you sing it at a good clip. It's not like happy birthday. Happy birthday is a dirge. Happy birthday is a dirge. You think it's a dirge? Oh my. No, it's a terrible song. Happy birthday is a terrible song. Oh, wow. That's why I won't sing it when I wash my hands. It's like strangely like a military

procession. It's a march. It is. You can picture a flag being draped over a coffin when happy birthday is being sung. Of a benevolent president. It's rough. So what song do you prefer being sung to you when it's your

birthday? Do you want a He's a Jolly Good Fellow? Is that what you like, Bernie? I love a He's a Jolly Good Fellow because it's a compliment. And, uh, and I, and I like, I like both versions either. Nobody can deny that's very positive. And it's sort of a, I like that. It's a job. No, I dare you to deny this. Or the more mild. And so say all of us, which is,

that's nice that everyone in the room is in agreement. Never heard that one. Sounds like a cult. I don't like it. That would terrify me if a group of people were singing that. Can you imagine? And so say all of us. And so say all of us.

I've never heard that song before. Where'd that come from? For He's a Jolly Good Fellow? You don't know that song? Oh, oh, that, is that part of He's a Jolly Good Fellow? I've't know that song? Oh, oh, is that part of He's a Jolly Good Fellow? I never heard it before. That's the big rap. He sang normally, it's a nobody can deny, and nobody can deny.

And he sang, I guess another version is, and so say all of us. And so say all of us. I don't like that. That's severe. And so say all of us. Or else. I mean, it seems like it should be followed by that. That sounds like a warning.

Or like a judge's decree. That's right. Like a like a post-apocalyptic, you know, thing that if we don't all agree is a jolly good fellow. That's it. Yeah. Favorite handwashing song. Oh, I like to go with the sound my rice cooker makes when it's done cooking. I think it's Bach. No, done cooking. I think it's Bach. No, maybe it's, I think it's Minuet in G. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba I also have a rice maker that's a rice cooker that sings a little song. It has two songs. It has a song when you start it and a song when it's finished.

And I've written lyrics to the songs. Oh, let's please hear. Could you tell it? The first song, admittedly, the tune is I'm a Little Teapot, right? is I'm a little teapot, right? But so the lyrics I put to it, I'm a little robot cooking rice. Don't you think that's awfully nice?

And then it starts cooking the rice. And then when the rice is ready, it sings a song that goes like this that I've put lyrics to. At last your rice is ready. I cooked it thoroughly and steady. This is real. It plays that long

a tune? Actually, I haven't finished composing lyrics to the ending song because it goes on for another refrain. Wow. Now I'm trying to think if any of my appliances do that. My oven, now that you mention it, my oven does do a little dee, dee, dee, dee, dee.

So I'm going to have to figure out what that is. Yeah, you'll have to come up with at least, oh, that's good. Maybe that's nice, but see, there's no follow-up. Now see, my washer also sings a different song that I don't know was an existing song. Maybe the washing machine company just made it up. And so I have some kind of fluid shifting lyrics because it doesn't quite scan it.

But roughly it goes like this. All of the clothes are washed right now. Time to put them in the dryer. That's cute. You know, I wrote lyrics to this. I forgot about this, but I wrote lyrics to the to the this i forgot about this but i wrote lyrics to the old nokia ringtone oh did you remember that one oh yeah so the lyrics i wrote to it are someone is calling who could be calling calling you on the phone oh that's delightful i do like

that one you know what i realized i just did? I sang my washing machine lyrics to my rice cooker tune because I had the rice cooker in my hand. Oh, no. What's going to happen now? It's so weird that it kind of worked. But wait, can I indulge you with my washing machine one? Please, I wish you would. Yes, please. Wait.

Okay, so wait. I'm getting so confused. My rice cooker goes ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, but my washing machine goes oh i don't all the clothes are washed now time to put them in the dryer all the clothes are washed now take them out of the wash thank you so much that was really that really scrambled my brain guys i well i'm sorry to say we're just about out of time i wish i wish we spent more time talking about the supernatural stuff making me happy is just how um delightful it is to hear everybody singing you know i know that that does have its value it's true we took a big detour into a

and uh i feel like we we we blew the opportunity to ask a lot of questions about the spirit world. Well, what I did want to point out was, I don't know if you noticed behind you, I guess, and were you seeing this, Burnt? But especially when you were singing, Helix, there was a curtain that was really moving. Now, I don't know if you've got a fan on it or what, but man, oh, man. I see the wind is blowing. I don't know. It started rippling. It almost looked like it was dancing.

I would agree with you burnt. I wonder if all this talk about, you know, this spooks and goblins. It just did it again. It did it again. Do you think maybe they're, do you think maybe they're trying to tell me that they're, they're happy I'm talking about them? I have to say, I think that I think it's genus.

Every time you turn around, they stop. It's like, it's like they're, it's like they're messing I'm talking about them? I have to say, I think it's genocity. Every time you turn around, they stop. It's like they're messing with you. Oh, it's a little prank. It's a little prank. You've developed a little spectral awareness or spidey sense or whatever you want to call it too.

The natural music or doing it whenever. Female intuition. Well, everyone knows Spider-Man was the first ghost. I don't know. I wish we had time to get into that. Oh, boy, oh, boy. I wish we could unpack that one.

It's an interesting theory. Well, Helix, if people want to get in touch with you, what should they do? You've posted on NeighborHap. What do you want to tell people, especially in this time, uh, about your supernatural services? Yeah. I want to tell people, you know, I am available to you. And if it comes to it where you feel safe, allowing me into your home, I practice excellent hand hygiene and, you know, I am not showing any symptoms, so I'm happy to come into your home uh rose and grants he will break things but i mean it's kind of there's no way around that is just a given yeah that's a

guarantee but but he's great at what he does and we're a great team and so we'd love for you to trust us in your home we will literally break that trust but we we we hope you'll have us um and the other thing i'd like to say is, you know, in this time of introspection and reflection, when we're all kind of bundled up at home and just sticking with those who are near us, maybe those goals in your wall are part of your family and maybe they don't need to leave. Wow. It looks like I'm going to start trying to hug you. Oh, guys, I think this is going to open up some new avenues and pathways of communication here. Thank you so much.

If a drape could get choked up, I think I just saw it. Yep, absolutely. Well, thank you so much for spending time with us, Helix. And anybody, if you really need to get some bad energy, good energy, you know, would you ever view some energy that you want to get out of your house? You know, just call Helix. I don't know. Maybe. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. And we hope to meet Rosencrantz next time. He's not allowed to come to my house. He can't take my earthenware. And I can't let him near a computer or else. I mean, we'd just be,

we'd just be in the poor house, you know, I'd love to meet him after he visits either a psychiatrist or a neurologist. Helix, thank you so much. We have to take a break. When we return, the rest of The Neighborhood Listen. Selenite Towers Bulk 10 Pack Wholesale

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The only thing we don't offer them in is non-pointed massage wands. None of those here. So, please contact me. I live in my mind. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. Wow, Helix and Rosencrantz.

We have such interesting neighbors here in Dignity Falls. We do, and I'm glad that we can still meet them safely with all of this technology. This is great. I have to say, it sounds like I heard Doug running up and down the back stairs in his attempt to keep moving. But, honey, how are you doing? Are you actually doing that? I think I've heard it like 10 times. Oh,

sorry about that. I didn't mean to distract you. No, but I mean, I listen to that. He sounds, you have great wind. Listen,

this kid's not sick. Listen to him. He's running up and down the stairs. He's doing great. I'm doing great. Yeah. Keeping in shape. Yeah.

Running up and down the stairs. I wanted to test, uh, you know, how it affected the sound, how it affected the stairs. I wanted to test, you know, how it affected the sound, how it affected the equipment. How did it? It wasn't great for just sort of like protecting the equipment. I dropped some things on the way.

Uh-oh. Just call him Rosencrantz. Oh boy. That's goingz oh boy that's gonna be that's gonna be the nickname for Doug around the house when he breaks something nice move Rosencrantz get a little Rosencrantz over here

gravity was intermittent for all the people at home Berndt is doing that thing where you hold up your hand to the side of your mouth as if you're telling a secret but only one half of the room wouldn't hear it the side of your mouth as if you're telling a secret, but only one half of the room wouldn't hear it. The rest of the room does because, you know, depending on what side of your hand you're on. Who do you think invented that?

Oh, that's a good question. Who do you think maybe started probably by a cartoon or a president? I think those are both terrific guesses. Thank you. We have time for one last post here on The Neighborhood Listen. And this is a very timely one. This was in the free and for sale section. This is a free item. Bananas.

This is posted by Michelle. She says, bananas. I have a few bananas. Extra, right? I don't know if she meant to say extra ripe or if she's saying how extra, how rando. Giving them away for free. I'm not going to leave them out front

tonight because of the rain. If you want them, message me and I can hand them off to you. And it's a picture of just about the brownest bananas you've ever seen. They look like they've been lovingly roasted. They're not black yet. They are a beautiful golden

brown. Not great for a banana. No, I mean, good for banana bread. Of course, you want a dark, dark banana for that. Absolutely. But the clock is ticking on these bananas. The clock is ticking on these bananas. Yeah, and she wants to hand them off. Yeah, which is not

advisable. She should just leave them outside on her doorstep and someone picks them up. It has been rainy and perhaps she has no overhang on her front porch or stoop. So the bananas would get soaking wet in addition to being disgustingly brown. This reminds me of that song. Am I crazy? Is this a fever dream? Yes. We have no bananas. No, it's a fever dream yes we have no bananas no it's a we have

no bananas today yes and then it's like they list all the other fruit that they have is that right yeah not just fruit but but uh bagels and lox are mentioned in there oh it bothered me i don't go on sorry yeah there's one one line uh uh where he says you should pardon the expression we even got ham what is the expression exactly well i think the idea is that they are uh they're the jewish faith and that uh it's not something that they regularly eat and because the fellow says it the recording i heard he says they're in a voice that's uh it's unmistakably uh that's what he's going for good lord please don't please don't shoot the messenger on this ohakably, that's what he's going for. Good Lord. Please don't shoot the messenger on this. Oh my word.

Well, here's what bothered me. It always bothered me that they started with yes. And then we have no bananas. I think that was to be fun. I know, but it makes me crazy. Maybe it's just because this time, this trying time has me so stressed out and every store is out of things. So it would be very frustrating going to the store right now.

Yes, we have no toilet paper. Oh, I'm bad at this game. Let me try again. Yes, we have no spaghetti sauce. Nope, that's not it either. You seem to be picking the wrong... There must be some good with the same number of syllables as bananas. Yes, we have no soap.

Nope, I was wrong too. Oh, that was very abrupt. That was over quickly. Look, it's not my strength, obviously. You know, you give me the lyrics, I'll sing them. I guess I'm just not good at coming up with them. I can't. Different strengths, yes, of course.

That drove me crazy, that song. I just thought it was obnoxious you know because it gets you worked up for something that they don't have and that's not how i want to be right now of course not you want to be the opposite you want to be calm cool i just wanted yes we have bananas no i did it wrong again yes yes we do have bananas would that work yes we do have bananas there we that work? Yes, we do have bananas. There we go. Thanks, Bert. You know, my relationship with that song was there was a comedy club I used to go to years ago.

You know, the comedy boom of the 80s. Do you remember that? Stand-up comedy was a thing. Sure. And we used to have all these clubs in Dignity Falls. All those men. All the... All those men.

Oh, all those men. There was a comedy club right here. I don't know if you remember this comedy club in Diggity Falls called Going Bananas. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Yes. Going Bananas. $2 Taco Tuesday. That's right. I remember. And at the end of every show, after the headliner was done, as the audience was

filing out, they would play an old recording of Yes, We Ain't Got Bananas. Really? Yes. And that's the version that I'm most familiar with. I heard it so many times. And there were some times I would hear it. It would make me so sad considering what had just happened in the club that night on behalf of the performers, of course. And that song

to this day fills me with dread. And of course, I was in the supermarket not long ago and the banana shelf was empty and that song

didn't pop into my head. Oh, I am so sorry that I brought this up. But that does seem like the choice of like an old fashioned club owner that would so sorry that I brought this up, but that does seem like the choice of like an old-fashioned club owner that would put on that song, you know, and that's

what makes me sad. I picture his polka-dop bow tie and his cigar and his sad wrinkled suit, you know, that he wears into the club and he talks like this. Actually, the guy that owned that club, what he looked like was a sort of a disco Mike Ditka,

if that makes sense. Weirdly, it does. It really does. I, I, I'm sorry to do this, but man,

this is just what happens. I'm free associating now. I got, I got to talk about one more thing that drives me crazy. Absolutely. The, the, the take me out to the ball game song.

Okay. You know what? I used to do? Other thing that I can't do. Have you ever done that thing where you're supposed to start the song, but you're supposed to start it. You have, you take away the word me.

I mean, they take away the word take. So you sing me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. Bye. Right. I get caught up somewhere. Let me see if I can do it.

Me some peanuts and cracker Jack's. I don't care if I'll ever up somewhere. Let me see if I can do it. Me some peanuts and cracker jacks. I don't care if I'll ever get back. So it's root root for the home team. If they don't win, it's a shame for almost back on track. This is what happens every single time I get back on the original song. Why did people do that? And what purpose did it? I don't know. I mean, because it's just, I guess it's just, it's something that kids

do, you know, when they're bored on a road trip maybe. I wonder if you could do it with a different song. What would be a fun song to try it with? The Friends theme. Okay. No one told you life was gonna be this way

Now, what you seem to be doing is just sort of You're pitching your voice lower and kind of making a face But I think you were just singing the song the way that it goes No, it's so no one, right? So you'd start, no one told you that life was gonna nope folks i really would like to hear someone do that correctly so you should record that and send that to us i'd really enjoy it send us a voice memo of you doing that with the friend's name meanwhile whatever that's called me well stop touching your face. I've counted. You've touched your face like 100 times.

It's like it's like my face is a magnet or my fingertips are made of iron. At one point, your finger was just in your eye for 20 seconds. I just laid it there. I just laid it. You just laid it there. I am just so concerned. It felt really comforting. No, I should know better. I am just so concerned. It felt weirdly comforting. No, I should know better.

I should know better. But, you know, you don't realize how much you touch your face until you're told not to touch your face. Oh, it's unbelievable. That's why I put scotch tape on all of my fingers. On the opposite side, the sticky. So that, you know, I would remember it's something unpleasant. And I would just. So you put it so the sticky side is out.

How are you sticking them? Because it's probably picked up every single possible germ in the house. That might have backfired on you. What did you have to add? Yes. Joan Korn. How did you how did you put the tape on your fingers if the adhesive is on the outside? Oh, it's the same way that you put a Christmas bow on the top of a present.

You know, you wrap it outside, sticky side out. No one? Anybody? Anyone? Never heard of it. Wrap it outside, sticky side. You've never heard of that? You know, you know, if you're okay, if you're trying to recycle a Christmas bow like I do.

So you've already, the thing that you're supposed to pull apart initially last year, like, you know, you saved it. So that doesn't work anymore. That's not sticky. So in order to get it to stick onto the top of the present, you take the scotch tape and you put it in a little loop, sticky side out, stick that down on the, right? But how were you able to do that on all of your own fingers, I guess is the question, because at a certain point you're running out of fingers that don't have tape on them. It's a reverse band-aid. Just do what the band-aid it's possible. Just do the band-aid upside down. You just hold it right there like this on one, on one, and then just wrap it around. This is, is this what we've come to? Is this what, this what's going to happen? Isn't it? This is what we're talking about. I mean, is anyone even listening

anymore? Is anyone out there? I feel like I'm going crazy please i'm panicking joan i i want you to listen to my voice i just want you to collect yourself everything's fine oh god everything's fine oh oh everything's fine okay my brain hurts it's okay i think this is a good stopping point uh to wrap this episode up life was gonna be this way i wouldn't go back no one. No one told you life. Now you're touching your face. Your love life. D-O-A-A. I think this is a good place

to leave it. Joan, I guess we'll be back next week. Yes, we will. We will for sure be back next week. Yes, we're not letting this stop us. And hopefully people

that are listening to this are not, they're not being stopped from doing things that they can do in their own home. If you can work from home, if you can find things to do around your home, whatever it is that you need to do to stay safe and sane, please do that. We're doing this for some reason. And we'll be back next week with another guest. We absolutely will. In the meantime, hang in there.

We got this. And goodbye. And bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.