The Neighborhood Listen - Life Next To The Jack In The Box with Vinny Thomas

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Joan turns up the heat at the open houses, and Doug takes us through his pre-production process. Local guest Cephus Branson (Vinny Thomas) describes an incident with coyotes at the Jack In The Box next door.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to the entire ad-free archive as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOMe pisodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. And now, please enjoy this in to the Neighborhood Listen. Babe, are you ready? Oh, sorry. I'm ready. On your mark. Oh, wait. I forget the order.

On your mark. Then I say get set. Get set. And then I say go? I don't get a line? No, you do. Oh. You say. All right. Now we have to no you do I told you we should have rehearsed

on your mark and then he says get set and I say and? why don't I get to say go? because then I say here we go oh this is like my mother and your mother we're hanging our clothes

that's how it goes right? I'm not sure that's how it goes. I think it goes ready, set, go. That's a word for every switch I have to hit to start recording. You have to hit that many switches? What switches are you hitting? The TARDIS?

Why do you have so many switches? I literally thought it was one. It's a record button, isn't it? Yes, a record button. Please take us through what you hit. Yes, absolutely. And then we'll start the show. But let's get into this first.

Okay. Oh, all right. Oh, he's really put on a spot. Yeah, he was not expecting this. All right, so first switch, lights. So on your mark. On your mark, yes. So you're sitting in the dark.

Wait, you say on your mark, and then you turn on the lights? So you're sitting in the dark right now. Is that right? Yes. Every time you're just sitting in the dark. Yeah. Conserving power. Well, I will say with all of our rooms.

Let's not get bogged down in every. Since we have added, especially the Sizzler room. No, is the Sizzler room. Is the Sizzler still operational? Yes, it is. Since we've added so many things. It's not going so well. I'm not surprised. Our bills are through the roof. Sure. Thanks for your vote of confidence.

I never wanted that room, babe, and I'll go on record and you know that and you can go back and listen to the tape. It's no offense. It's just that I think that there's existing restaurants. I don't know that somebody wants to go to a room in someone's home that's been converted into a sizzler. Yes.

Every sizzler is a home. Okay, well, I'm not going to get into that. He's got a gift shop with t-shirts that it says that on the front. And we haven't sold it. Every great idea has faced all these, you know, all these criticisms. That's a famous quote.

Every bad idea too. Alright, so lights, then what? Switch number one, lights. Number one. They're all switches. Right. Then switch to power up my console. Switch to power up your console.

Yes. So what you're saying is you don't do any prep. In fact, I'm shocked that when we just started every time these last years, he's just managed to do seven switches at once. He must have been freaking out every time. I think the evidence is clear. Well, or maybe you would have just decided at some point, you know what? I should turn on some of these switches before we start recording.

Pre-prep, yeah. Some anticipatory switches. Yes. I think that that is what you maybe want to be doing, babe. It's pretty wasteful, but I can. It's not that wasteful. You can do it two minutes before it starts. Alright, so when you talk about this console, what does the console console what comprises the console? So, you know, I have a concession tray suspended by straps.

Straps. Yes. My console. He likes to be able to move around while he's right. Right. to move around while he's recording. Right, right, right. Right. So there's the power generator.

I'm nothing if not full of timely references. The power generator. Yes. There's a power generator. That's on the console? Yes. How heavy is that? Very heavy.

And you're, why? Okay. Again, if we get bogged down. He wears it on his back like a jet pack. It's a self-contained item. It's not plugged into anything. The generator is self-contained, yes, because I got to be on the move. You wear it on your back like a ghost bus.

It would be so hard to be tethered in. Can you imagine? Why do you have to be on the move? For the recording of the podcast? I feel like we went through that episode one, maybe. I'm trying to get the best sound. Now no one can remember that. I definitely don't remember our first episode, Doug, talking about having

a Betty Boop tray with a backpack generator. Yeah, so I... Wow. I don't really think that you need to be moving around as much as you did back then on episode one so i i what i think is maybe you don't need to be doing it then either we should maybe table this discussion to to figuring out a way that you have a unit that does not require so much work that maybe you stay stationary in that unit yeah it can be mobile so

you can i know you like to record in a different room each time. Where are you again today, babe? Doug, can you hear us? He might be moving around. Maybe he can't hear us. I think it's because he's in the joke. You're where? Where's that Doug? He's in the joke room.

The joke room? Yeah. What's that? So you know how like... And did you both agree on that? I couldn't tell if he wanted me to say it first. I'm sorry. Did I step on your toes?

No, no, no, no. Go for it. Was it because you want to be in a different room? Do you want to move rooms? What room do you want to go to? I do want to move around a lot. Go for it. Was it because you want to be in a different room? Do you want to move rooms? What room do you want to go to? I do want to move around a lot. Established.

Right. What room would you like to go to? I suppose the maze. The maze. That allows me to move a lot within one room. You know, the maze is, your maze is a legend in the neighborhood. Uh-huh. And no one's ever been in there.

But we've all heard about it for some reason. Yes. Because it was constructed, it's on the roof. It's on the roof. Roof maze. It's a roof maze. And it is just. Covered? It's, yes, there's a, well, cause we have a, a bio up there too.

So we have the dome. Yeah, we have the dome. So it's a, it's, it's self contained seasonally. You can sort of, you could,

yes. The problem is, is that the, the paramedics have been several times because Doug has got lost for so, for so long, for such a long period of time. So many times that we, for long enough where you think he could have died

of starvation or dehydration. Absolutely. And he's not responding. You can lose your mind in this thing. Well, that's the legend, is that people go mad in there. But since no one has been in it, you just mean Doug, right? But that's the science. You say this mythology has just grown up around him.

I didn't even know Doug had been in there. Well, I had to build it. I didn't know that. And you think if you built it, you would know how to get out. Well, that's how you know you're on the right track is when you start losing your mind as you're building it. Oh, boy, babe. All right. We probably should start this episode.

Okay. Good idea. So why don't you move to the maze and we'll check back in with you. We'll learn about those other switches later. We will. We will. And we will revisit that. But I am Joan Pedestrian. That's right. And over here is Burnt other switches later we will we will and we will revisit that but uh i i am joan pedestrian that's right and over here is uh burnt me a payday that's correct and we are hosting the neighborhood listen that's right it's a look at the neighborhood of dignity falls usa uh i am a pharmacist joan is a a realtor and a thespian amateur thespian oh. Oh, yes. Now, Joan, let's get into,

because we didn't really talk about it much. Oh, we didn't. You're right. Yeah, you're right. But your concern is that the realty business is changing. It's been televised. It's been reality televised. It's been reality televised.

And thus, if you want to make it as a realtor. Have you seen those women? Okay. But let me finish the sentence. I get worked up. I know you do that. You have to look a certain way. Yes.

In order to, in order to be a realtor. And if you don't look that way, forget it. And so what you have proposed and I, I hate to say this, you have proposed getting a procedure called a total face change. Correct. That's it.

Total face change. Right. And because, as I said before, everything about the industry is saying to me, no. Okay. You need to be a completely different person. Okay. And have you seen those women, Bert? Have you seen the men?

I've seen- The men are more beautiful. I've seen clips of these- Than I'll ever be. These beautiful men and women. And I understand what you're saying. Can I just tell you, I have never worn heels that high to an open house. I have never worn-

I have never needed- I have never shown that much cleavage at an open house. I'm not trying to be a prude, okay? But that's just not what it was about. You know, it's just not what it was about. Not that much. You showed a little cleavage. Depending on the client, okay?

Who did you become, Justin? I don't know. You're the Tasmanian devil. We were talking wickedly and I got all excited. I kind of liked it. It was a fun side of you. So yes, I really do think I just, I kind of just want to be done with it. You know, I don't want to be talked

out of it. Out of the total face change? I don't want to be talked out of the total face change. She really doesn't. I just, and I know, Doug's not happy about it. No one wants you to do this. Because you know what? I think a total face change is going to be a hell of a lot easier than a total career change. I disagree. I honestly disagree. Really? Yeah.

Why? Well, I think that there might be something to it being easier to find a different kind of thing that you like doing. Do you know how long it took me to establish myself as a realtor? know and i'm older now i so that could take another five to ten years i don't know if i have that total face change uh 48 hours but i mean but i mean don't you think you'll lose some work if you become a completely different looking person well no because they'll say who who is this This is like immediately. I'm going to immediately. You already know.

I'm kind of working on trying to get a reality show done here in Dignity Falls, you know, but I don't want the producers to come and tell my new face. Joan, I'm going to, I'm going to suggest something. What? And this is, this is how they used to do total face change. And it's, it's, it's non-invasive and it's very simple. Non-invasive is just, is just code for doesn't work. Oh, I hate to see you scoff at the phrase non-invasive.

It really gets me. It concerns me. I hate the phrase non-invasive. Oh, it concerns me, Joan. I want invasive. Here's what you do. Okay. Start wearing glasses.

And you wear glasses for a solid year. Oh, you mean- And make them unattractive glasses. Okay. And then after a year, you take those glasses off at an open house. You play Kiss Me by Sixpence and then return to the background background i do it in slow

motion yes you just send the stairs pick a house you really wanted me to use that old trope and that you think it'll still work on a woman in her 40s like a charm i mean the thing is i need glasses now if i take them off i won't be able to see where i'm going or read a menu well what about contact lenses i i wear contact lenses most of the time because, you know, I can't wear glasses on stage when I'm doing a show because of the glare. And because I just, I feel too much like I'm not the person I'm trying to be. You know, how am I

supposed to be Blanche Dubois with, you know, Warby Parkers? Can you imagine a Blanche Dubois wearing glasses? No. I wouldn't buy it. It would take me right out of it. I would say she's too smart to depend upon the kindness of strangers. That's right.

This brainiac. She depends she's too smart to depend upon a lens, you know, to depend upon crushed sand to see. Well, no, the glasses make me think that she's smart. Oh, I think I misunderstood. I wouldn't think somebody wearing glasses you know

what happened glasses they're smart too smart for you know what happened i was already i was already in my mind going to my blanche and what i would do because you know that's a big that's a big one yeah it's a big blanche it's a babe are you in the maze now no i'm in the elevator you're you're blanche i remember you you put your lipstick on way outside of your lips i did because i i wanted to show first of all that she was not well yes uh but also just that in the same way that she likes to just make things beautiful you know that she wants to you know what she was trying to do is a total face change yeah people. People don't realize that. You had that blonde wig with the bangs that covered your eyes. Yes.

And another reason why I couldn't wear glasses. It was hard enough to see with that choice, with that costume, with that design choice. You said you based your blanche on Janice from the Muppets. I did. Yeah. I did. And I always felt like there was a deep longing inside of Janice. Yeah. You know what? She's discounted and she is dismissed and she

is never considered, you know, and she's just so expected to just be happy and go with the flow. That's right. You know what? She's discounted and she is dismissed and she is never considered, you know, and she's just so expected to just be happy and go with the flow. That's right. You know, while all the glory goes to Dr. T and Zoot and Floyd and animal. I mean, really? She's the brains of the operation. Absolutely. There's no there's no electric mayhem without Janice.

I agree. So listen, i i know that it's not supposed to i go in for my how about this i go in for my pre-op uh my first pre-op appointment your past consultation no well again remember there's no consultation because they don't let you pick oh that's i forgot that the face you get is a surprise it's a surprise because they worry that if you pick a face and it's not quite what you wanted. Listen, you. Of course.

They don't want to hear it. You apparently go into what's called full unrecognizable trauma for about two weeks. No. F-U-T? Yes. And you have to be heavily medicated. And they found that when people chose the face, it was even worse. and you have to be heavily medicated. And so, and they find, they found that when people chose,

chose the, the, the face, it was even worse when they're like, not only do I not look like myself, but I don't even look like who I thought I was going to look like. Right. You know?

And, and I also have to explain this to babe, to babe, to dog every time. And he thinks it's like face off. That'll do does. And it's his favorite movie. Get it,

babe. Yeah. He thinks it's like face off and it's not anything like that movie and it does sound like it's not because i'm not i'm not getting someone else's face do you understand i'm not i'm not they're just going to be reconstructing my face with lots of plastic different you know synthetic parts you know to me to me made to be look like skin you know that you can do mr potato you can do so many things now yes there's some skin grafts but you know they're going to be taken from my own body well that's nice so you know it's listen i feel like the one thing i can keep is my skin oh please let me keep my skin the industry's taking everything but my skin what the realty industry yes okay the reality realty industrial complex

john i i let me ask you this okay what wow well i should i go no it's fine what i'm saying is how about this there's no consultation i go to the pre-op this is where they're going to sort of describe what it's going to be. If it sounds too scary, if it sounds too ridiculous, we'll talk about it next week. And maybe then, by that point, I'll have a list of questions and I'll get into it a little

more because right now I haven't thought about it a whole lot. Don't want to. Yeah, well, I mean, honestly, I can't imagine what further you would hear that would put you off of this course of action. Well, and that's just exactly it. That's the mystery of it.

So we will check it out. Are there any features you're really hoping for? I just, I really want Disney eyes. Just big, Disney eyes. Just big round eyes. Mostly whites. Mostly whites. But like a deeply colored iris. Please don't make that the title of this episode.

It is true of most podcasts. So no, just no big pupils, big, you know, beautiful green, green or blue. I got brown and and I've always thought, you know, be fun to have green eyes or blue eyes. You're going to change your eye color as well. Oh, what do you think total face change means? Are your eyes on your face burnt? Yeah. Changed. Well, they're sort of in your face.

Well, I don't know how they're going to change my eyes completely. New teeth? Oh, God, yes. You see the chiclets those gals have on Selling Sunset? It's ridiculous. They have beautiful chiclets those gals have on Selling Sunset? It's ridiculous. They do have beautiful chiclets. It's like glaciers are in there. Glaciers?

Jonah, you've become obsessed with these shows. I have. You know, like, the country has become obsessed with these shows. I mean, what's her face? Vanderpump Rules, that woman has like eight uh um sponsorship deals true does that count as a realty show no i was just saying it's it's another example of people becoming obsessed with these shows so that they are so uh invested okay all right well i i i hope when you go in for the pre-op you'll be scared straight and you will not want this procedure anymore.

All right. Do they at least show you the face that you, some of the faces you could have? They show me some of the post-ops. They don't show me what the women looked like before. Well, yeah. Why would you want that? Do some of them have tiny eyes? Do some of them have Charlie Brown eyes? To'm being honest they were all Angelina Jolie all of them they're all

nine well no okay I think turns out that when you just try to make the perfect face it just okay I think you've heard all you need to know but well I guess we'll talk about heard all I need to know so let's just take a break I think you've heard all you need to know, but I guess we'll talk about it later. I've heard all I need to know. So let's just take a break. I think we should take a break. I don't want you to be angry anymore at me, Bert.

I'm not angry, I'm concerned. I can feel the love. It's just that, you know, I'm telling you. Can you feel the love tonight? I can't. I'm telling you, there are people at home listening to this that are going to understand that I've been pushed to this brink. You got to understand that I've been pushed to this brink.

I bet our listeners do not want you to get the TFC. But it's a podcast. It won't change anything for the listeners. It's not a total voice change. It's not. Which is what some people seem to have wanted. It's not that it will. At least in the early days. Every podcast.

Every podcast. Every podcast. Is there a woman? Oh, I don't like her voice. I think that the listeners are not, it would not be out of selfishness. It would be out of concern for you, Joan, because they love you the way you are. Even if they have no idea what you look like. I think teeth can affect your voice. I think teeth can affect your voice.

I think teeth can affect your voice. It can affect your pronunciation a little bit. There are some people that like when they get that sort of like... Did you just grow your teeth? What was your question, Doug? Those veneers. All I can hear is her voice. Did I just grow teeth?

Did you just grow your teeth? Okay, that's what I thought he said. I don't think he meant it seriously. You seriously you know i just thought unless maybe he's in the maze he's already going insane he might be going mad in the maze mad in the maze okay so all right we should take a break we should because we have a guest and we do have a guest uh as we do every week here on the neighborhood listen and so when we return we will talk to that guest when The Neighborhood Listen returns. Hello, this is Silky. Please PM

if you need an excellent piano teacher for your kids. I can recommend someone highly. It's me. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the area of Dignity Falls, which is an area. Yeah. Oh, no.

Did you start floating above yourself again? I said area and I went outside my body. That's the first time in the season you've gone outside your body. Not bad. That's a pretty good record. Not bad. We explore the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. And here's how we do that.

We go to the NeighborHap. Everyone's familiar with the NeighborHap. It is where it acts as a community bulletin board online for neighborhoods. And we here at Dignity Falls are no different than you are. So what we do is we scour the NeighborHap

to look for interesting posts and we talk to the people that either posted them or are the subject of the posts. And this week is no different. We do have a guest and I'm going to read the post for you. This is in the crime and safety section. Headline is, and this just comes from

neighbor. They did not put their name. They wanted to be anonymous, maybe on purpose. Or maybe they were in such a rush, because wait till you hear this. Oh boy, okay. Headline, coyotes! The post continues. There was a coyote going down to the jack-in-the-box put your pets away three exclamation marks well here to discuss this is one of our neighbors here in dignity falls

and would you please introduce yourself yes Yes. Yes. My name is Cephas Branson. Oh. And there was a coyote going down to the jack-in-the-box. Right. Right. That's what the post said. Yes. Thank you for being here, Cephas.

Thank you. Put your pets away. Put your pets away, of course. Uh-huh. Because coyotes will, they do go for the small pets. Yes, they do. Unless you thought the coyote was someone's pet, Cephas. Is that what happened?

That's how I interpreted it. That's how you, really? Might be the maze talking. Well, see, I was also under the impression the coyote was someone's animal. See, this is why I asked. Burns, you always have to look at every side with these neighbor hat posts because you just never know. So true, Joan, but I don't think you needed to scold me on my side. neighbor have posts because you just never know.

So true, Joan, but I don't think you needed to scold me on my... There's a lot of people raising exotic animals. That's very true. It is true. Now, Cephas, my first question is how did you know that the coyote was going to the jack-in-the-box? That's a great question.

Thank you, Joan. And of course, I have the answer. I knew the coyote was going down to the jack- the Box because Jack in the Box is a straightaway. Coyote had a gate that said to me, he's going to the Jack in the Box. It's a coyote who knew what he was about. Just the way he was walking. It's the way he was headed. Right.

Jack in the Box has a product. It's a very small taco. Smaller than you might expect. Really? About the size of the end of your thumb. That is smaller than I'd expect. But there are 25 of them or something. There's 25 of them. You can buy 25, between 25 and 50 really small tacos. Is this real?

It's absolutely real. What? You can buy like 50 small tacos. They're stunningly cheap. They're very cheap. They're filled with a little bit of meat. How much for 50 meat paste? Oh, nothing. It's not enough money that you would even notice it was gone. It says on the menu, negligible. It's truly nothing. It's not enough money that you would even notice it was gone. Negligible amount. It says on the menu, negligible.

It's truly nothing. It's like fine. Thank him too. Just negligible. What? It's only a dollar sign. It's negligible. They're begging us to get rid of these little tacos.

This sounds suspect. Well, why even make them? Because at the end of the day, it is an art form. Ah. Okay. Sandwich artist. And there is a master back there folding each individual taco. Right.

Wow. Stuffing it with a little bit of meat. Not enough, despite the size. Diminutive though it might be. Even as small as the tacos might be, they're not filled with meat. It's just a couple of grains. And then it's folded over and deep fried. Just a couple grains of meat. There's no other way to describe the meat inside.

Fair enough. I haven't seen one of these. I haven't either. I mean, are there some in this room right now? Do you have to know about it, or does it say, you said it's on the menu, or do you have to know about it? How does it, you're telling me a coyote knows about little tacos at Jack in the Box. You don't know about little tacos at Jack in the Box. No, a coyote

knows more than I do about Jack in the Box. To be honest, I don't go to Jack in the Box that often. My husband loves it, but it's not one of my favorite. His face right now, everybody, is really... He cannot get over the fact. I don't know. What do you eat? It's not computing.

Oh, all sorts of things. Salads. They got that at Jack in the Box. They got... Oh. They got salads at all sorts of things. Salads. They got that at Jagna Box. They got, oh. They got salads at Jagna Box. They got everything. Yeah, of course they do. Well, I didn't know that. Maybe I'll have to visit it and have myself a salad.

I never had a big sloppy jack. I have not. See, the things they name their foods, I'm just not sure. It's not always appealing. That's why I go to Wendell's. Right. Which is Wendy's brother. He also has the braids.

That's right. He also has the braids, but a beard that is also braided. Also braided. And his triangles, his hamburgers are triangle shaped. Hamburgers are triangles, yeah. Which means I can eat them. Yes, it does, because Bert can't eat square food. They are delicious.

And the Frosties. The Frosties are hot. The Frosties are boiling hot. They're boiling hot. The hot Frosties triangle burgers. Smalley fries. Smalley fries. That's the only small food I really enjoy.

Those tiny fries that you get at Wendell's. That is adorable. Yeah. Wow. Okay. I'm learning so much already. So, okay. You have and eat them with a spoon so are you saying that yeah you get a little pour a bit of bowl yeah turn off tv just start eating eating fries by

the spoonful so are you saying that the coyote was specifically going for those tiny tacos, do you think? Yeah. And I'll tell you why. Okay, great. Because ultimately, I do bear some responsibility. Oh, this is interesting. Every few days, I like to go out there, and I like to get a whole mess of little

tacos. Like 25 to 50? 25 to 50. I'd like to throw them out as if I was throwing grain to chickens. Like you're feeding the pigeons. But it's mostly vermin that consume them. Coyotes, raccoons. Every now and then a guy. That's it. Just a guy.

And so I knew where the coyote was headed. How long has this been going on? Great question, Joe.? Oh, great question. Oh, thanks. It's an excellent question. Thanks.

Some might say years. Oh, some. Some might say that. Yes, some might say years because it has been years. Oh, that's why. And if they said that, they would be right. Oh, God, I got it. It's been years.

At this point, the coyote knows I've been feeding it since it was just a pup. Oh, this is very sweet. Oh, so it's the same coyote. Oh, God, I got it. It's been years. At this point, the coyote knows. I've been feeding it since it was just a pup. Oh, this is very sweet. Oh, so it's the same coyote. Oh, yes. So. So then in the context. OK, I'll let you go on. Go on.

No, I was just I should circle back because I was being deceitful. OK, I think this is what I was going to ask at the beginning of this podcast. Yes, I did suggest I didn't know who was responsible for the coyote. You did. And you thought it was someone else's pet. I thought it was ultimately my responsibility. And I take full credit. And I'll see my way out.

No, no, no, please. We have so many more questions. We're only just getting started. No, this is fantastic. So when you said put your pets away, it was a warning. No, this is fantastic. So when you said put your pets away, it was a warning, not because you thought the coyote was a pet, but because you thought that the coyote could do damage to other people's small pets? I think it's a little bit of both.

Ultimately, yes, the coyote can damage animals. I've seen a chihuahua damaged by a coyote. I've seen a lot of creatures damaged by a coyote. Or can I posit this? Are you also maybe possibly afraid that if other pets are out and they see the coyote going to get these tacos that there will be a run on all the small tacos and there won't be as many for your coyote? And ultimately

yes, that is a fear I do have. Look, here's what I don't want. I don't want some grand parade. I don't want some Noah's Ark. I didn't know that want some grand parade. I don't want some Noah's Ark. I didn't know that was on the table. I want some Noah's Ark of every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the neighborhood. Right. Waddling down to the Jack in the Box.

Right. To take all the little tacos and feed their animals. Uh-huh. And then all of a sudden, what? I'm left empty-handed. Right. Right. I'm left cock-thumbed in the jack in the box.

Because I don't have anything to feed this coyote that I've been feeding. Did you say cock thumbed? Or do you mean cock thumbed? Is that also a word? I don't know. I don't know any of these terms. Cock thumbed. Cock thumbed?

Could you explain cock thumbed? Is this not something you thought you'd be doing today? No, of course. Of course, cock thumbed is... Oh, God. Well, where do I start? Well, he's got his thumb up for a start. Yeah, you gotta put your thumb up so that it inspires you. And of course, a cock is a kind of

male chicken. It is a kind of, yes. And imagine if you get into a, you've heard of a cock fight. Of course. And you've heard of a thumb war. Uh-huh. Imagine one of each. Mm. And that's pretty bad, isn't it?

So it's chicken versus thumb. Uh-huh. Yeah. And at the end of the day, no one comes out of that smelling like roses. Right. Just like the tacos at Jack in the Box do not smell like roses. I'm not sure I'd want or need them to. But yes, I understand what you're saying.

Do you have little rose hips on your tacos? I'll leave that if I don't. You got to have some greens on there. I want to ask another question. Okay. Do you consider the coyote your pet? And do you have a name for him? Great question, Joan.

A coyote can never truly be a pet. Oh. At the end of the day, there is a wildness there. Yeah. Yes. It is the American jackal. Right. Oh, I never thought of it that way.

Open your mind. Oh, I never thought of it that way. Open your mind. Not opposed to it. Well, I don't consider him a pet. I do consider him a partner of the West. Oh, that's lovely. Is our neighborhood in the West? The Western part is. Oh, excellent.

There you go. A partner in the West. And so I've given him a cowboy name. Oh, excellent. There you go. A partner in the west. And so I've given him a cowboy name. Oh, I love that. Cody. Oh, Cody the coyote. That's perfect. And he's wonderful to be around.

You can't leave your hands close to him. Oh. And he's rapidly losing his hair. Well, that's very sad. You said he was just a pup. How many? You don't need to be an adult to get sarcoptic hair. Well, that's very sad. You said he was just a pup. How many... You don't need to be an adult to get sarcoptic mange. Oh, dear.

Yeah, it's taking a turn, this podcast. But you regret asking that question, don't you? I did not see this coming. Well, no. Do you know what? It helps because I think that it's nice to sort of remember that, you know, coyotes are animals, too. And they just get...

They got a real bad rap on the neighborhood app. Hey, coyotes are animals, too. I think they're more than animals. Oh, go on. Oh, what do you think they are? I think they're neighbors. Wow. You know what?

I agree with that, Cephas. I think they have become our neighbors. Wow. You know what? I agree with that, Cephas. I think they have become our neighbors. I wonder sometimes if humans are even responsible for all of the posts I see on Nextdoor. Really?

You haven't seen some of those posts on NeighborHack? Which ones are you thinking of? I've seen one that was like, I ate half a possum. I ate half a possum. I seen another one that was like, I seen another one that was like, I seen another one that was like, whose piss do I smell? I seen a third one that said,

I seen a third one that said I've seen a third one that said look out for wolves they look like us but they're not us that does sound suspicious it really does you don't see those posts? I haven't is it like a sub

thread on the neighborhood app? yeah you gotta go down to a thread that's just an onomatopoeia for growling. Oh, that's what that is. I had no idea. I thought it was a typo. Yes, me too.

Yeah, you click on that one. Oh, wow. And you'll see a lot. So you are suggesting, I'm not even sure you're suggesting, you're saying that coyotes are now able to go on somehow this app and post and type and write. And here in this moment, I'm breaking it wide open.

Okay. Ultimately, it is some kind of conspiracy. Oh, okay. What goes on precisely, I don't know. How they manage to type, I don't know. Perhaps there's a keyboard and the keys are large. Perhaps they've evolved. Coyotes didn't used to be like this.

They didn't used to live close to people. No. Well, that is true. I mean, you could also say we didn't live close to them because, you know, we sort of built up into their home. You could, but I like to center us. It's vulgar. I apologize, Cephas. I certainly don't want to offend you. Oh, well, it's toogar. I apologize, Cephas. I certainly don't want to

offend you. Oh, well, it's too late for that. Oh, dear. So, okay, but who's behind the conspiracy that you're mentioning? Also, why wasn't that the post instead of the Jack in the Box? Huh? Well, it's next door. People go to that Jack in the Box

every day. People I know and love. Like my coyotes. You're saying it's next door. People go to that Jack in the Box every day. People I know and love. Like my coyotes. You're saying it's next door to you. And you're saying when you posted this on the neighbor app. Oh, God, I love living next to the Jack in the Box. It sounds like it. What a dream.

Can I just say there's something so nice. And I'm going to stop. Hang on just a second. No, babe, we cannot put a Jack in the Box room in the house. Okay? You already did Sizzler. We're not doing Jack in the Box. I heard the wheels turning. No, you. We cannot put a jack-in-the-box room in the house. Okay? You already did Sizzler. We're not doing jack-in-the-box. I heard the wheels turning. You absolutely could, right? You could absolutely hear them.

That was the wheel on my... I don't know. Maybe think about it. You ever wake up in the morning to a giant jester looking through your window, smiling at you? A giant sculpture of a pale clown jester smiling at you from a box? I mean, I have twin boys, so yes, actually, yes.

But I know what you're getting at. Wow. Gotcha there, Stephen. Twins. The average coyote litter size is six. Oh. It's got little trivia facts about coyotes, too. Now we circle back.

Wasn't there a conspiracy or something? Yes, there was. Yes, well, you were mentioning a conspiracy. What do you mean? I think that as a species, coyote, coyote, I don't know the Latin name. Coyotus? Canis. Canis coyotus.

Sounds right. Canis is in there somewhere. Canis lupus garbage has evolved because they've spent so much time in and around human settlements. Right. Yes. Because they eat so much trash,

they learn to read the trash, much like the rat in Charlotte's Web. Do they eat a lot of trash? Much like the rat. Do they? This is an honest question. I never knew them as like dumpster divers. I know bears get into trash a lot.

I didn't know coyotes did. I don't know that coyote. I've not heard that. I don't doubt it. What is knew them as like dumpster divers. I know bears get into trash a lot. I didn't know coyotes did. I don't know that coyote. I've not heard that. What is it that they like to eat? I'm just saying. This is me. I'm enjoying learning all the facts about coyotes. It is fun. I'm so sorry. You've never heard or seen a coyote eat at a dumpster or

refuse? I actually haven't. And you know why? Because I am too busy staying away from them, getting on the other side of the road. If I'm walking my dog, I'm always going to get my dog away. I'm not going to stick around to see what he's eating because I assume it's going to be my dog. Of course. But say you go to a restaurant, you order a Denver omelet, you get half

of the omelet to go. Okay. You decide you don't want to finish it. You throw the to-go box on the ground. I'm with you. You would expect a coyote not to eat it. It wouldn't. Well, that's different. I think that's different than what we were maybe picturing was a coyote eating out of a trash can in a way that a raccoon

or a possum might do. I mean, I did say dumpster duck, but yes, I didn't know that they were rats. And then, of course, when Templeton the rat was mentioned. Oh, God, yes. The rat's name is Templeton. Templeton. Yes. Wow. I never fed a rat. Even with all the creatures that were coming up?

They lack gravitas. They lack gravitas. Wait, so does that mean that the rats would approach you when you were giving out the tiny tacos? Oh, of course. And you just refused to give them to me? The rats would approach me and I'd wave them off. They lack gravitas. They lack gravitas.

What a takedown of rats. Presence and nobility. And I hope they're listening. Oh, long overdue Presence and nobility. And I hope they're listening. Oh, long overdue, if you ask me. And I hope they're listening. They lack gravitas. And they're hideous. And they're little beasts.

Oh, my. Not like the coyote. Yes. The coyote could run and run. Can I ask you? Take that, rats. Yes. A coyote could run and run. Can I ask you if you are a person who lives alone, if you're a person who lives with a partner, with a family? Great question, Joe. I wish I had a family. And thank God I do.

Oh, happy ending. Wait a minute. I do. Oh! Happy ending! Wait a minute. I have... That was a real rollercoaster you took us on. I have a beautiful wife, Nancy. Oh, my goodness. Okay. And two children.

Okay. Seafish Jr. Deirdre. Lovely. They live in the little house behind us. The kids live in the little house behind you? Let me give you a layout of the property. Okay.

There's one large house where I live with Nancy. Okay. Behind us is a much smaller house where Steve is Jr. and Deirdre live. Really? Adjacent to that is the Jack in the Box. Oh, like on the same, when you say property. On the same lot? Is it technically?

Is it one compound? Jack in the box in your home? The jack in the box abuts the compound. And it's the large, we have acres. And in the jack in the box abuts the compound. Okay. It's actually, it's the largest sculptural jack in the box. He's got the giant round jack in the box.

Oh, got it. And he looms over the property. Oh. At 4 p.m. every day, he casts a shadow. Oh, that's what you were saying, yes, out the window, yes. Of course. And everything is pitch black. Everything! Pitch black. It eclipses the sun. The Jack is immense.

Okay. I have not seen this Jack in the Box. The original. No, Joan, you haven't seen, you can't not see it. Yeah. I just, I don't, I can't, I just don't, I hate Jack in the Box so much that I avoid You had a little accent there. You and I are very different. I hate Jack in the Box so much. The ancients used to

read the stars based on the shadows of that Jack in the Box. They did. That's how old it is? Yeah. It's where the name of the restaurant comes from. Yeah. It was a kind of sundial. It predates Cahokia as a settlement. Wow.

The restaurant was named after the relic itself. I understand. And then I have to believe that the houses that you speak of also came after the Jack in the Box. Yes or no? Yes. They say some of the recipes, though, are from those days. They do. Like the little tacos, maybe?

Uh-huh. Carved in hieroglyphs. Ultimate breakfast sandwich. Could this have just been fingernails? The ultimate. The ultimate breakfast sandwich. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sourdough Jack Which is just two breakfast sandwiches in one

Oh I wish I knew the menu so I could participate There's egg rolls They have egg rolls Jack in the Box has egg rolls Thank you for holding our feet to the fire on this There's egg rolls And they came out with Mega egg rolls

Which is a burrito. It's a chimichanga. Can you imagine an egg roll filled with beans and cheese? Beans and cheese. Can you imagine such a product? Wow. We call it the mega egg roll. I would have called it the meg roll.

Yes. That would have been good. Such a fascinating confluence of cuisines. Indeed. Truly the United Nations of. Yes, a real fusion. All successful. Little snacks.

Are you cold? No, this is just how I always look. Okay. Wow. So hang on a second. I would like to know why your children live in a separate house than you. Has that been since they were babies? Explain, please.

They got strong from the jack-in-the-box. Too strong to deal with. What? Too strong to deal with. Let? Too strong to deal with. Let me tell you something. You feed a kid beef and bacon and eggs and little croissants for long enough, their veins will be like rivers. Oh, what?

Their muscles like canyons. Wow. Canyons? Their teeth sharp. Oh, what? Sharpens their teeth. Sharp from the, that's sourdough. There's a gristle in the ultimate sandwich.

And they become impossible to discipline. Wait, really? And so legally. How old are they now? Oh, it's impossible to say. Oh, come on. Really? What's the last age you remember them being?

There's no way. You can remember when they were born, right? Surely you just count past. Why don't we start there? Surely you just go from the day they were born. It has to be at least 15 years. So 15. I'd have to dart them.

To dart them? You have to, whenever we, you got to get them in per checks. We got to dart them. We got to bring them in. And then the veterinarians come in and they trim their nails. They take blood samples. And then they put the radio collar back on and they let them go back in the house. Are you telling me that they've morphed into a different sort of species?

Legally, I'm not allowed to say. Hold on a second. Huh? Cephas Jr. Are we talking about C-22? Oh, my gosh. We are. That's your son?

Yes. They mistook him for a mountain lion because he hangs out in the trees. Oh, my gosh. And if a passerby has a small neck like a deer, he will attempt to bite. Oh, dear. He's very fast. And so in the footage, he just appears as a blur. Oh, no.

And they assumed he was a mountain lion. Yeah, it's C-22. Oh, my goodness. That's quite shocking. He's kind of a celebrity in the neighborhood. Well, I mean. And it's gone to his head. Oh, no.

He's got his whole future ahead of him. Oh, what is he planning? Horrible things. I mean, do you see the children much in that house? It sounds like you're sort of scared of them. I see them every now and then. I got a blind set up out there. Oh, right.

Okay. It's a wildlife blind. So I'll go up there. What I'll do is... You just observe them. Yeah, yeah. I'll put refuse or whatever on the ground. I'll go up there. What I'll do is observe them. Yeah. I'll put refuse or whatever on the ground. I'll climb up there and,

um, and either your kids, you could put nice food out there. Well, is that, did, did they not eat it? Did he really not eat?

Did they, did they only eat that? Are they still eating Jack in the box? I would hope that he would stop feeding them Jack in the box by this point. Oh my God. That's an excellent suggestion. I didn't even, it didn't occur to me.

Do you think, do you think if you stop if you if you cut them off from jack-in-the-box long enough they might revert to human form oh that's interesting oh my god i hadn't even considered that it's worth it sometimes i've seen them go a couple days without it they start shaking and sweating and throwing up like crazy i don't know how long they could last sure without it you don't give them an egg they'll pass out jack-in-the-box withdrawal is no joke i've seen doug do it because he tried to give it up for the new year, and it was a dark January.

Yeah. I remember when Doug was eating the, when Jack in the Box was doing that chicken cordon bleu, Doug got hooked on it. Yes, we. Yeah. The chicken cordon badass at Jack in the Box. Chicken cordon badass At Jack in the Box

Chicken cordon badass I love the name of it James Cordon Bleu What'd you say? The James Cordon Bleu James Cordon Bleu When he was dressed like a little mouse Does anyone remember that?

Is that a mouse or an elephant? Or a cat I think it was a mouse and he was preventing people from little mouse. Does everyone remember that? Is that a mouse or an elephant? Or a cat. I think it was a mouse and he was preventing people from going where they needed to go. Oh, it was wonderful. Yeah. Everyone loved it. So, okay. This is kind of an interesting story.

I've never heard. We've never met anyone like you before. Is it too far fetched? No, not at all. Absolutely not. We've had a talking squirrel on the show. It's true. We talked to a ghost this season true uh we did an actual ghost um but so listen you're you're in great company i know he seems almost

offended that he's not i feel like we all make choices and some of them are better and some of them are worse. It would have been nice to have been the coyote. Perhaps this is why you feed your children this jack-in-the-box is you're trying to turn them into these noble animals that you adore so much. That's such a rough question. Do you think that you actually feel... No, but I mean, it's a statement and leading to a rough question for me i suppose do you feel closer to that coyote sorry what do you name what did you name the coyote again oh there's no way to know cody cody there's no way to know it's cody well we solved that mystery a brother in the west yes so do you feel closer to cody than your own children oh that's a

rough question i told you you. I warned you. And I think it's fair. And the answer, of course, is yes. Wow. Wow. While ultimately all three of these specimens do bite, only two of them seem to mean it. Okay. So then are your two biological children becoming more beast than man?

And is Cody becoming more man than beast? I hadn't seen that coming. Oh, wow. You really flipped the lid on this whole situation. I think that at the end of the day, you're right. I think my children are reverting into kind of a feral, impossible state. And eventually they'll need to be placed in some sort of institution, the Bronx Zoo, perhaps. The coyote, on the other hand, each day becomes more and more learned.

And perhaps one day I'll have to buy its spectacles and take it to an academy. Well, just make sure before he gets to the academy, he takes the spectacles off because people will not think he's pretty. That was fun. That was fun, John. Jesus Christ. Thanks. So you're telling me can you imagine a coyote takes the glasses off? Everyone's like,

oh, it's beautiful the whole time. Sixpence and on the richer plate. Yeah. I don't understand the reference. And they, you know, everyone wants to take it to the dances and how wonderful would that be? Hey, I have a question.

I'm sorry. Won't the coyote appear much older because of the baldness in the glasses? What did you call it? Sarcoptic mange. Sarcoptic mange. I think that'll make the coyote look like an authority figure. Yes, probably. Maybe even speaking for a teacher, I think.

Yes, yes. It'd be kind of badass. He has like a little mohawk. Okay, now I want to know another thing. Does Nancy know about Cody? Yes. Okay, because I couldn't tell if Cody had been a deep, dark secret you've been keeping. You know, I'm honest with people about Cody.

Nancy doesn't love it. You know, she'd rather me be, I don't know, fishing or working at the volunteer fire department or whatever. Oh, is that what you do? what do you do for a living living is a generous term oh fair enough what what is your vocation excellent well i feel like he was going very uh sort of philosophical with it i get it i am a pot i'm a potter oh a potter that's lovely i'm a potter i Oh, a potter. Oh, that's lovely. I'm a potter. I have a little wheel set up. Oh. And what I'll do is I'll throw a little clay down and I'll fire something up. My pots often turn out organic. Some might say misshapen.

Okay. Oh, that's what you mean by turn out organic. Yeah, they turn out organic shape. They're not symmetrical. Okay. And they're not often purchased. I'm not a successful potter. Are you okay? I am. Do you have a... How are you? You're good.

I'm great. Do you have a shop? Mm-hmm. You do. So you are trying to sell these items. I thought you two lived in the neighborhood. You never been to my shop? Well, there's a lot of... There are a lot of pottery shops in Dixie Falls. Is it on one of the tree streets? Which tree street is it on?

Oh, well, it's Elm. It's on Elm. It is? President Elm Street. And it's right there in the middle in front of the fountain. Oh, wait a minute. The fountain. Pots and pans and old tin cans.

Pots and pans. Yes. And old tin cans. We've got a lot of different stores with the word pots in it. Yes. And they all sort of are right next to each other. Right on top of each other. And some have pots and some don't at all.

Correct. And some have pots in the name. Oh, that's what you mean. And inside there are no pots. And they offer you sandwiches. Yes. Or a hallucinogenic mushroom. That's right.

Which is a guess previously that we had. Oh, I'm so sorry I haven't been to that shop. Someone was a hallucinogenic mushroom. That's right. Which is the guest previously that we had. Oh, I'm so sorry I haven't been to that shop. Someone was a hallucinogenic mushroom. No, no, don't get too upset. Or excited. I can't believe this. No, someone gave burnt hallucinogenic mushrooms. One of our guests, yes.

Oh, wonderful. I wish I would have brought a gift. Well, they didn't warn me ahead of time. And so I did not realize until I started throwing balls. Yeah, that's right. Here's, okay. What? Sometimes it takes me a minute to formulate the question.

I'm so sorry. No, it's okay. I've got, I'm hanging out. Here's my question. Because you seem to be open to sort of these suggestions here as we're sort of talking about maybe, and I don't want to call it a problem, but it does seem like you have a problem to solve because you have two children who one child, everyone thinks is a mountain lion.

C-22. I don't know what's going on with Deirdre, but she can't be happy. Is she sort of loose in the neighborhood as well? Okay. Now, hang on a second. Hang on a second. I could see in his eyes what he thought you meant. That is my daughter. Cephas, I am very sorry.

That did not come out the right way. Words matter. That did not come out the right way. It did not come out the wrong way. And I deeply apologize. It's okay. I sincerely apologize. Does she...

Well, now there's nothing to say. Get out and about. Does she also roam the neighborhood in the manner that. That also does this. In the manner that a woman of the night. In the manner that C-22 does. Look. I almost got through it, Jonah.

You sabotaged me. But he mentioned a woman of the night when you said roam. That was after the stop down. I think he was going to say it anyways. Did you say stop down? Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Deirdre is good. That's good to hear. She's doing well. She's still kind of a beast, but she goes to she goes to beauty school. Oh, wow. Yes. Yes. Top of her class.

Well, that's amazing. She just got a A in bangs. You must be proud. I'm so proud of her. So when you see, I know you said that as a blur, he looked like a mountain lion. When you look at your children, do you actually still see human faces? I mean, what are we talking about as to what their visual presence is? It's different for each.

For Cephas Jr., it's mostly beast face, human body. For Deirdre, it's mostly gorgeous, beautiful human face. Okay. Beast body. And so, okay, so then, because I'm just thinking of her being around people and in like a beauty school, is she getting any sort of negative attention for that?

You know, she did it first. It's quite the saga. She shows up, they say, oh, God, you know, kill it, call animal control, whatever. But her claws are so sharp that she actually doesn't need scissors. Oh, she did an Edward Scissorhands situation. She did an Edward Scissorhands situation. She's going to do her thesis in buzz cuts. To be fair, he literally had scissors for hands.

Yeah. Right, but I mean, it sounds like this isn't far off. I see where you're going. I'm just saying. Yeah. It's worth noting. She has not stopped eating Jack in the Box. I'll say that.

Because at this point, she has to, I think, biologically. Oh, dear. It is. Her blood is thick. Have you ever thought, and go with me. Okay. Have you ever thought of introducing Cody to the kids? Do you think maybe he could, since he's more human, do you think maybe he could somehow.

Civilize them. Perhaps. I recently purchased a setup from a zoological institution. Okay. It's called a Howdy Door. And it's designed so that the animals can see each other, but they can't interact. Oh. So I put them each in a separate pen, and there's a large steel door with holes in it.

Okay. And so then Cephas and Deirdre can go up and smell Cody. Oh. And I could see how they interact. And I tried doing that, and Deirdre starts kicking up and smell Cody. Oh. And I could see how they interact. And I tried doing that. And Deirdre starts kicking the door, screaming at the top of her lungs. Oh, dear. Just hollering, get that fucking coyote.

Oh, dude. Get that fucking coyote out of here. She only says a few words now. Oh, no. She mostly just makes sounds. But the words she says are bad. It sounds like she really means it. It sounds like all she's got is. Absolutely. And then really means it. It sounds like she's got us.

Absolutely. And then, you know, after that, it's just what she remembers. She starts saying, like, soup and wood and wires and whatever pops into her head. And the same with Sebas Jr. Sebas will be like, DVDs. And they're both totally, yeah totally they're somewhere else and will they come back? I don't know meanwhile Cody

he's sitting crisscross applesauce a coyote sitting crisscross applesauce believe it or not the legs are long enough and he's meditating wow four paws like on the what passes for his knees? Like sitting there in full lotus position?

What passes for his knees? Well, yeah, I guess he has knees, right? So his lower, on his back legs, he's got them crossed. And then he's got his four paws. Oh, yeah, four paws are resting on the knees. Four paws. Oh, yes. Were you hearing F-O-U-R? Oh, yeah. Forepaws are resting on the knee. Forepaws. Oh, yes. Were you hearing F-O-U-R?

Oh, my gosh. Yes. Here's what I imagined. Okay. I imagined you were imagining that he was crisscross applesauce at the north and south end. So both sets of legs were folded and crossed, which I guess is how they sit normally. Now I'm confused. But mine was, they have four limbs.

Yes. Two at the top and two at the bottom. I mean, to top. I mean, usually they crawl on all fours, so I don't think of that as the top. I don't think they crawl. I think they're just walking. What the hell are you talking about? The top is where the head is.

Are we all talking about the same animal? The top of the coyote is where the head is. Yes, I agree with you. That's right. Let's start there. That's the tippy top. At the top, those would be the legs. The front legs.

Yes. Front legs. Yes, that makes more sense to me. They're called the front legs. The bottom is literally called the bottom. Or the hind legs. Yeah, the forelegs and the hind legs. Yes.

That's my mistake. I should have said Aftonport. Steve, you do not need to beat yourself up. No, I messed up again. No, no. I was ready. I said, I'm going to come on this podcast. I'm going to do a concise little story.

I said, it's going to make sense. I said, it's going to be easy to try. I said, I'm going to have a central conflict. Wait a minute. Wait, so is any of this true? Yeah. Yes. Oh a minute. Wait, so is any of this true? Yes. Oh, okay. It just sort of sounded like you were, you know, getting yourself worked up for it.

No, I just, I guess I should have made something else up. I should have come on here. I should have said. What? I should have said, oh, I just, it was nothing. It was just a regular coyote went to the jack-in-the-box. Well, that would be the end. We would have nothing to talk about.

Wait, is this true or not? He called my daughter a woman of the night. I did not. No, no, he did not. That was, no. That was, I've apologized. That was poor phrasing. And also, I think I said it.

I'm sorry. Yes, you said that part. I think I said it. He led you to say it. I couldn't remember the term. Or no, I led you to say it, apparently. Thank you. Anyway.

I don't, I, you know, I don't want you to feel like you somehow like blew this interview. You're acting as if there was something to, to, to fail at that this is, we're just talking here. We're just asking questions. We just wanted to know.

And, and, and really the reason you're here is if you have something that you want to tell the neighborhood, that's why we want to share. We want to amplify your message. Correct. And we're at clarity about the post. All those things are things that we do here. And we also just want to get to know our neighbors better. I don't know.

I made the post anonymous deliberately just because I was scared of blowback. So then what made you come here onto the podcast? And also, what did you think the blowback would be? Of course. First of all, what made me come here onto the podcast? And also, what did you think the blowback would be? Of course. First of all, what made me come here on the podcast was ultimately hubris. And the blowback that I was fearing was, I don't know, coyotes are such a demonized, maligned species. They're often chased out of towns.

In fact, there's one man in our very neighborhood who turns them into caps. He's terrible at taxidermy. Like hats, you mean? Like caps that you'd wear on your head? Yeah, what did you think? Like pen caps? I don't know.

I guess I just... I thought pen caps. No caps? So I'm glad she asked. But you mean like the tail, like a Davy Crockett situation? Yeah, he tries to get the tail on there. He tries.

But in order to get the tail on the hat, you do need to have a deft hand. You kind of need to be a master taxidermist. And so. That's why there's not more of those. There's not more hats with tails. Because it is only the master can do it. And the coyote is not as. I mean, the raccoon, of course, lends itself very easily to that. Sure.

I just didn't realize that the tail was attached after the fact. I guess I thought that there was, not to be grim, but it was just a whole section of rump and tail that was taken to make the hat. That's not grim. It's nature. It's beautiful. I don't know if it's nature. I don't think it's nature when it's on someone's head. It's made of nature. It's the r that's not grim. It's nature. It's beautiful. I don't know if it's nature. I don't think it's nature when it's on someone's head.

It's made of nature. It's the rump and the tail. It's nature. I do think, yeah, the tail is after the pact. You gotta... What's the pact? Tell us about that.

I'm sorry. I bit my tongue. After the... After, yeah, after the pact. I guess I could say something about a pack of coyotes, but ultimately there's no point I bit my

tongue I thought you said packed and I thought that there was more to like there was some sort of ceremony or that would have been fun wouldn't it that would have been great I mean your story is it's it's so it really is such a surprising story

I believe anything you say and when we react that way it's not because you're so critical of your own story, which is what I feel so bad about. You're really beating yourself up about this. I think the best artists hate themselves. Well. Oh, so you're doing it on purpose then? Yes.

Ultimately, it is hubris. Again, it's hubris. I want to know about you guys. Well, see, Fitz, I mean, we don't really. For example. This is a first. It is a first. It is definitely a first, babe.

No one has ever said that. I don't know that anyone's asked anything about us. I don't know about you guys. For example, what are your names? What did you... And... Did you not... In the email we introduced ourselves,

Doug, babe, did you send him the email? Oh, I wouldn't have looked at that. Oh, why? You wouldn't have looked at that. Why? I wouldn't have looked at it. There's so many. Really?

You get a lot of emails? See, I'm with you on that. There's too many emails. There are a lot of emails. Yeah, there's so many. Really? You get a lot of emails? Cephas, I'm with you on that. There's too many emails. There are a lot of emails. There's too many emails. Okay, fair enough. It might have got into your junk. Who knows?

Spam. Are you going to let her get away with that? It might have. I'm so sorry. I zoned out. I'm sorry. You said something about junk. You said you would let it get into my junk.

I meant to say spam. All right. So Cephas. I would have jumped on it. I meant to say spam. All right. So see if it's... I would have jumped on it. I was somewhere else. My name's Joan. Yes. My name's Bernd.

Yes. Oh, wonderful. There you go. I work at the CVS. Uh-huh. And I'm a realtor. Oh. And my husband, who you can't see, who's on the roof.

Are you in the maze, babe? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm working up a jog.'s on the roof. Are you in the maze, babe? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm working up a jog. Oh, bless his heart. Working up a jog? Yeah. Okay.

You're going into the homestretch. Hopefully. Doug, I don't know. Doug plays in several dad bands around town. I don't know if you're familiar with, what is it? Something caravan? Yep. Rhubarb caravan.

Rhubarb caravan. Oh, rhubarb caravan. No, I've never heard of the van. It's a band. I've never heard of the band. Okay. But I am familiar with the culture. Of dad bands or?

Oh, the rhubarb caravans. Oh. Ever since we talked on a couple episodes ago, I believe, about the ABCs, about whether there were different versions of that, we've been cooking up a little something. Oh, fun! That's fun! A different arrangement of the alphabet song.

Was there anything else you wanted to ask us? Oh, God. You're really putting me on the spot. Okay, well, I thought that you wanted to talk to us about ourselves. It wasn't really meant to be a gotcha moment. You asked what our names were. Yes.

There's probably a lot of posts on Nextdoor. There's so many on the neighbor app. On the neighbor app. No matter where you live. No matter who you're next door to. There's a lot of posts on the neighbor app. Close it up. He bit his tongue. I bit my tongue. two. There's a lot of posts on the neighbor app. Close enough. He bit his tongue.

I bit my tongue. It's happening so much. Wait, you're not turning into a coyote man, are you? Oh, come on now. How much Jack in the Box do you eat? We never thought to ask that question. Oh, gosh. You don't eat more than three jalapeno poppers, do you? I eat it regularly,

but not in prodigious amounts. So I'll eat, I'll do, yeah, I'll do the three jalapeno poppers twice a week. Maybe sometimes treat yourself to the pork fried jack? Yeah, sometimes get the pork fried jack. Sometimes get the big stinky man. sometimes get the sometimes get the slab. Oh, you know,

open face butcher shop. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I've never been. OK,

so I just wanted to play. Wait, should I look up the menu now? Sure. We got nowhere to be. Why don't we take a look at the Jack in the Box menu? No, that would be crazy. We should focus on this. There's so much there and seemingly everything

has been successful because they never take anything off. Yes, exactly. It is pretty astounding that some of these things are real. It's like musical instruments. Yeah. Oh, you're in a band. What? Huh?

What? What were you going to say? Don't worry about it. Huh? Who? Anyway. Am I not allowed to hear what you were just to say? Because I'm in a band.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I was going to ask you if you played any musical instruments. Oh, but you're in a band, so of course you do. Yeah, ask and answer. But yeah, I think that when they create a new musical instrument, they don't get rid of the one that it is close to. Oh, I see. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, there's so many different types of vibraphones and xylophones. That's crazy. There's a harpsichord, but they didn't get rid of the piano. They didn't say, oh, we've improved upon the piano. Yeah. Guitar. So many sizes of guitar. Are you guys going to report me?

What to whom? Why would we do that? The authorities. I've been feeding a coyote. I don't know. I would be more worried about your own children and what they're going to do

out in the wild. So I don't think, I'm more worried about the authorities. If we were going to report you to any authorities, it would probably be Child Protective Services.

100%, because I'm still not quite sure they should be locked up in a house by themselves. Well, listen, the authorities are well aware of our children. Oh, okay. They've got them radio-colored and tagged. I guess that's right. They can't exit a certain boundary

within the span of the park. The park? Yeah, the property abuts the park. You forget. There's a whole lot of a buddy going on. The property of Butts Park. Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

What do you got, Burnt? Yeah, what do you got, Burnt? Well, I mean, I wish that your children did not become beast children. Yeah, here's what happens. Usually at this point, we sort of have, we like to have not solved a problem necessarily,

but sort of answered a question, right? Like to the post, which actually we did because we found out that the question was, the answer to the question was that the coyote is sort of, he claims it as his pet, sort of. Almost his family, I would say. What was the question you would say? Brother of the West.

I guess the question was, well, there was some confusion as to whether or not he was talking about coyotes being, the coyote being someone's pet. Or if all the pets needed to be kept away from the coyote. Right. And if the coyote was actually going to Jack in the Box. Yes. But we got much more than we bargained for. With a whole lot going on. I'll say.

And I do like to sometimes feel like I can wrap it up or tie it up in a nice bow. But there is so much here. And I'm concerned about your children. And I'm concerned about you even, because I want you to know that you did a great job. You seem, again, very insecure about your story and saying that you needed more conflict in it but I'll tell you what if it helps there was plenty of conflict in it for me I feel like I wish there was an arc but you know there's not a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow that's so true uh I guess um sometimes let me ask you this and this may determine a future course of action for you uh-huh are you familiar with the

story of the island of dr moreau no no i'm i'm so sorry i'm not familiar with the story of the island of dr that's too bad because i was going to ask you if you consider him to be the hero of the story or the villain of the story and that would determine i suppose the advice that i would give you yeah wow i guess i would have to go watch the movie okay how did he get on the island boat he's the hero what what mode of transportation would have made him the villain oh submarine you know what he's got me there he's's got you there. He's got me there. So true. Well, I really enjoyed meeting you. You know,

I really did. I really, you're fascinating. Fascinating. And I just, I just, I really hope that your kids get some help. Cause I am worried about,

but it sounds like, it sounds like Deirdre's really doing great. I think they'll be fine. They're so powerful. Okay. Well, physically, then maybe we should all be careful.

Yes. All right. Well, and, and also I hope, you know, we didn know, we didn't hear almost anything about your wife. No, we really didn't. I just really hope she's okay, too. Oh, Nancy, she's great. Okay.

She teaches literature at the middle school. Wonderful. She cries all the time. Oh, dear. I hear that's common for teachers. Paints a picture. And wives. And mothers.

And sometimes I'll come home and she'll say, I'm going out. And she'll just be gone for a while. And it's our back and forth that we have with each other. Right, fun banter. All right. Well, then, you do me a favor. Please give me her love. We got married at the creek. We got married at the creek.

Sorry, did you want any more details? She, her favorite color is mauve. Her favorite song is Gregorian chant. Any of them. What's the number? Six. That's a good one. She loves the calla lilies.

Lovely. That's lovely. Nancy is an emotionally sturdy woman. That's good. Yes, I think that's necessary for her situation. Sounds like she needs to be, yes. That tries all the time. And ultimately it feels like. No, we're trying to.

Crying is, there's nothing wrong with crying. It's an outlet. One can be sturdy in sadness. Oh, that's lovely. That's very lovely. Wow. One can be sturdy in sadness. I like that.

You are much more of a poet than you think. You know, you talk about story and arc, and if you crafted something that was interesting, that's beautiful what you just said. Then I suppose I'll leave it there. I think that's nice. You can be sturdy in sadness. Door to your house.

Okay, well, we'll do all that. Let's just say goodbye. I can't find the door. But Cephas, thank you so much for being here. You just have to put down the mic. You should take off the headphones. I don't know where the door is. Okay, I know.

All right, here. You know what? I'm just going to take them out. Okay. Okay. We will return when the Neighborhood Listen returns. listen returns. Hi, this is Lisa.

Christmas wooden wagon decoration, $6. Cute Christmas wood wagon decoration, $6. Handmade, hand painted. Christmas design goes all the way around. Size 6x4x5. Add $2 for the packages in wagon if you want them. Your choice. Daytime pickup.

Lots of other Christmas ornaments for sale. I don't know if you heard me say, the design goes all the way around. Now, you know that you can't find many wagons where the design goes all the way around. Now, I've pictured only two sides of the wagon. I promise that it goes all the way around and if you need to come over to the house to see that for yourself then you can come over okay but you better not be calling me a liar because I'm not one and you can have the packages inside. You can have the packages inside the wagon and I just want you to know that the design goes all the way around.

Hey, what are the other switches for? Oh yeah, we only got to two switches. Oh yeah, so the light switch. Yes, and then the console. The generator. Right. Then the light bulb. Which is what? The light switch? Yes, and then the console. The generator. Right. Then the light bulb, which... The light bulb. I have a little

light bulb on my tray that illuminates all my equipment. So just a lamp. What are the other lights for? Yeah! What are the other lights for? That's just for ambience they're not they're not bright enough to see by

no they're just for a vibe they're enough for me to see the generator switch oh my gosh again to see you see one switch you need to eliminate some steps babe you need to eliminate some steps what's next

but wait what was the ceremony. Do we want to get... Okay. But wait, what was the ceremony? What are we supposed to say again? What's the order? All right. So on your mark, I hit the light switch. Okay. I say, get set. Get set.

I hit the generator. And? I hit the light bulb. Okay. And then what? Here. Okay. And what's that?

I hit the sound meters. When I say bulb. Okay. And then what? Here. Okay. What's that? I hit the sound meters. When I say we. The needles. We. The tea kettle. Tea kettle? Yeah. Well, I need to stay hydrated.

Oh my Lord. Oh, what's better than tea? What's better than piping hot tea? I believe caffeine is a hydrator, right? That's all it is. It just famously keeps hydration in your body. And also, even though water would not require a switch, it is, I mean, it is very hydrating to drink hot tea.

All right, so, and then we go. We as a tea kettle, go as the recorder. Oh, now we get to the recorder. I really think we could just do go. So everything's turned on now, right? Yes. Okay, great. Good to know. Wait, do you turn it off during each break? Yeah, I've been wondering about that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you can leave it on. Why? You can leave it on. I think he thinks it conserves energy. It starts smoking if it's on for too long. Oh, no. We need to get you an entirely new setup. Do you have a post-it share, Burns? I do have a post-it share. Okay. This is in general.

This is from Kaya. Kaya writes, traffic cones at night. The other night we were out driving through Warranty Harding, close to downtown, at around 3 to 4 a.m. we were out driving through Warren G. Harding, close to downtown, at around 3 to 4 a.m. At almost every intersection, there were cones formed in a kind of maze. So you had to

slow down to maybe 5 miles per hour just to get through the twists and turns to cross the intersection. We also saw some city employees out putting down cones, too. Is this a new thing? First time we have ever encountered it. Granted granted we are never out driving that late yeah i mean obviously that's that's the that's the bit for me i mean why were

they driving out that late because then i'm thinking oh well they're a young couple but they just said we're never out that late yeah and i want i wanted to say why they were that is like a three to four is maybe one of the weirdest times to be out. I mean, honestly, like anything after four, you're like, no,

you're getting up early, you know, to start the day. And, and even up till two in the morning, it's like, you're getting home from a party. Three to four is like where nothing.

That's a miserable time. It's a miserable time. It's a miserable time. Yes, it is. And you should be at home. You should be at home. Even if you're awake,

you should be at home feeling bad. Oh God. Yes. Yes. No one wants, you should be at home feeling bad. Oh, God, yes. Yes. No one wants, who wants to be out from three to four? But this is not a new thing, I'm happy to tell Gaia. They've been doing this for quite some time because I used to be out. Oh, when you were doing your crime watch, yes.

My crime watch. And I would see these guys putting these cones down and making the little maze. I see. Gosh, Doug, you would love this. Doug, you would love it. You know, it's the kind of maze where you don't go mad because the walls aren't that high. They're just little cones.

Right. And I remember asking them, what do you do? Why do you do this? And how often do you do it? And they said, we do this every night between 3 to 4 a.m. Or every morning between 3 to 4 a.m. every night between 3 to 4 a.m. or every morning between 3 to 4 a.m. Uh-huh.

And it is to make it harder for coyotes to get to fast food restaurants. What? Yes. Really? Yeah. You're kidding. I can't believe you didn't ask Cephas about it.

When the coyotes will do, well, we hadn't read the post. You're right. But the coyotes will give up if it's too much of a maze. They get bored and then they just jump over the cones. And there are the cones. I was going to say, can't they just walk in between the cones? Or they make them...

Well, coyotes can't... You know how you throw shoes at a leprechaun and it has to clean them and repair them? I'm not sure I remembered that part about leprechauns. If a leprechaun is bothering you, you throw shoes at him and then he has to repair them. Like has to or does he love to do it? No, he has to. I don't think he loves

to do it. I think he hates doing it. Okay. But he will stop everything that he's doing to clean and repair the shoes. And with coyotes, they are attracted to a maze. They love little puzzles like that.

Oh, I didn't know this. Yes. A lot of times why they're killing small dogs is because they want those puzzle feeders. And so it's not so that they can eat the dog. It's so that they can steal the puzzle feeder. The puzzle feeder. Yeah. Do you know puzzle feeders?

I'm not sure I do. A lot of times it's if your dog is overweight or a cat is overweight you put their food in some kind of puzzle oh oh oh yes sure of course i've seen that yes so they have to work a little harder work up more of an appetite can you imagine if it was for humans? That would be the craziest looking thing ever. Well, that's what cooking is. Cooking is a puzzle feeder for humans. It actually is. Do you know what I hate?

Prep. Food prep. Mise en place. Absolutely not. Can not. Well, that's what it's called. He played McLovin. Well, that's what it's called. He played McLovin. No, it's French.

Christopher, mise en place. Don't tell me. I've never understood mise en place. That's where everything's in a little dish. You get everything in order. So you're getting all your things in place. It's just prep. That's the same work as skipping the little dish. You get everything in order. So you're getting all your things in place. It's just prep. That's the same work

as skipping the little dishes. It's right, but it's just supposed to make it look even more. But then you wouldn't have more to clean later. And you know what? I just,

and there's so much on Instagram now of just making it look so easy and it's edited to make it look like, oh, well, all you have to do is just add these three things.

I'm like, yeah, but to get those five things. Oh God, there was just so much work and I can't do it very well. And then my hands are, I had to wash my hands 20 times. And I'm just not good at it. It makes me feel bad. I love when they say something, it's only four ingredients. But one of the ingredients is, you know, this chopped.

Sifting flour. And you have to get a special tool for. Has to be chopped into 1,000 pieces. It's just four ingredients. Oh, my goodness. You have a point there, Burns. Thank you. You're welcome.

Well, that's fun to know, I guess, that there's someone making coyote mazes in the middle of the night are these dry we're paying for these drive-thrus open from three to four yes okay there is there is a there is an ordinance in dignity falls that uh they have to be open wow what a strange ordinance it's left over from uh the days of the war, from World War II. Oh, not the pen pal embargo during that war? No, not during the Grenada War. No, when our servicemen were returning from World War II, and servicewomen, when they were returning from World War II,

World War II, there was an ordinance passed that all restaurants had to be open 24 hours a day. Wow. For the servicemen and women. Okay. Because some of them were arriving at all hours. Some of them just couldn't sleep. Because there were so many flights

at that time going back and forth. Flights, you know, steamers. There was all, every mode of transportation was carrying back servicemen and women. I mean, we, every able-bodied person in Dignity Falls

that was legally allowed to go to war went to war. And of course, a lot of kids lied about their age so they could join up. Sure. And we had, I think, the highest incidence of 10 and 11 year olds fighting in World War II

in the European and Pacific theaters. Because they sat on each other's shoulders. They sat on each other's shoulders. And they would say, we're one soldier. Well, I didn't realize how close shoulder was to soldier. Makes you think, doesn't it? It's eerie.

I just think it's a good tongue twister. I just got a shiver when you said that. Soldier's shoulder. Now that is hard. That is a soldier's shoulders. We stand on a soldier's shoulders. Hey, you can do it really good, Burns. When you stretch it out, it's easier.

You're not struggling at all. I am over here in the weeds. But I made it into a speech. We stand on a... Oh, see? Whoa. I got cocky. You got king speech.

You got king speech. Pride goeth before a fall. Hubris, our old friend, has revisited us. And Cephas' old friend. Well, old friends, it's probably time for us to sign off. It is. And listen, if you want to listen to ad-free versions of The Neighborhood, listen, you can do so

by signing up at cbbworld.com. We'll also have access to The Bonus Room, which is our additional episodes where you might meet other people from Dignity Falls. You might meet us in other situations. But everything, and there might be live people from dignity falls. You might meet us in other situations. Uh,

but, uh, the, the, everything. And there might be live episodes there as well, which so far is all we have done as of this recording. And I moved that chair and I made a noise.

I'm about to pass out. We have to go. Uh, thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week. Uh, when the neighborhood listen returns until returns. Until then, goodbye. And bye.

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was Vinny Thomas. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.