The Neighborhood Listen - May I See It For A Pelt? with Stephanie Courtney

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Joan figures out some burger math, Burnt shares some Dignity Falls flight restrictions, while Doug finds an unusual way to decrease his screen time. Later on the show, Christina (Stephanie Courtney) explains her NeighborhApp post about a dying raccoon.Want more TNL? Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to all seasons ad-free, as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of... The Neighborhood Listen! Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen! Knock knock! Who's there? Your neighbor! Good! In Dignity Falls, you're never alone You've got the Neighbor Half App and us!

Bert And Joan! From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell We'll cover it all And meet new neighbors as well We'll chat about any posts you're missing So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen.

This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls, and I am one of its residents. My name is Bert Mia Pate. I am the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls Missy Pharmacy here in Dignity Falls. And with me as always is... Joan Pedestrian. Ooh, that was a new one. I didn't know you were gonna send it right over to me. I didn't either, Joan.

It's a good thing I was listening. Yeah, Joan, I couldn't agree more. You know, sometimes I have to be honest. I do start this podcast and I have all these things I wanna say. And then I realize that while you're talking, I'm thinking of the things I want to say. Sometimes that happens.

Does that ever happen to you? And then you're just waiting for a pause. And then you think, I bet I should say my name. And a lot of people say that's a sign of a bad actor. Cause you know, if you're just sitting on stage and you're just waiting for that actor to stop talking, you're just going to say you're lying. Now let me ask you this Joan,

because people should know that you are the top realtor. You are the top realtor at Dignity Falls, but you're also quite a talented thespian. Well, amateur only. Well, but that's... That sounds bad. What's that? That sounds bad?

That sounds bad. It's strange, just because you're making the only, I think, is what really brings it home. Only. I think I think it really is. Let's just say amateur. Have you ever had a professional acting job? Oh my gosh, you know, I don't know if this counts,

but I was in a training video for police. Uh-huh. Here in Dignity Falls? This was when I was a child. Wow. Yes, I was playing the child of the cop who comes home. Oh no, and the family is so mad at him, right? Well, I mean it is hard for him to balance work

and life at home. Absolutely. And I remember I had to take a bite of a burger 50 times and I got so sick to my stomach because no one told me I could spit it out. Oh no. How many burgers do you think you ate the equivalent of? I guess maybe it was just one and a half.

How many bites is 50? I wish we had a cartoon owl here. You could sell this once and for all. Let me think. Where are you in the burger now? Hold on. I have food in my mouth. Hold on. I feel like this is the idea of 42 more.

I have food in my mouth. Oh, that last bit of lettuce. Okay, I think that was about 10. Wow, a 10-bite burger. A 10-bite burger. Okay, so you ate five burgers. Yes. Thank you for doing that.

Quick math. Sure, absolutely. You know, if it's even numbers, especially if it's on the tens, no problem. No problem, easy peasy. Absolutely. Same thing with what is 10% of anything. Just move that decimal baby.

That's been your catchphrase for many years as a realtor. Yeah. That's how I started being it. Let's move those decimals, babies. So you're the daughter of the cop who comes home. The daughter of the cop and I'm eating my burger and he's just, he's just mad. You know, he's just in a bad mood and he argues with my mom. Yes.

And I think, and the point is, you know how when you're a kid, you're just kind of like, well, this isn't hitting, this isn't for me. So I'm not paying attention. I'm just paying attention to my 10-bite burger. And I think it was probably about mental health for cops. I'm not sure, but it clearly didn't get to anybody. It didn't get to anybody. I don't think it reached anyone.

Well, not clear. Was it released or you think that it just didn't? I think that the message didn't hit home. They saw it and they said, I get enough of this at home. Yes. Now I have to see it here where I work? But it was a union, I believed it was union. A union job.

And I thought that, man, I did get paid for it. So I do think that counts as my one professional job, maybe, because it was- Wow. Yeah. And then did that money, how old were you? You were 10? I was nine.

Nine. I was nine. And you said, oh, I wish you were 10, because I could really- Oh no, I'm so sorry. That would really help out. I was nine and 10 months. No, that doesn't work. And did the money go to your parents?

It did, but they put it in like a special account for me. And when I graduated from high school and they got me my own bank account, that $50 is waiting for me. Wow, that's nice. You know, because a lot of child actors, it doesn't work out so good. So that's nice that they held onto that 50. No, I didn't have to like divorce myself from them or what have you. It was not that dramatic. Legal emancipation, of course. I don't know much about your parents, Joan. I do know that your

mother, if a UFO comes, she will join the UFO. And she will desert her family immediately. No questions asked. She told me this as a child. It was not a small bit traumatizing. It was a lot traumatizing. And I know she says Trader Joe. She says Trader Joe. Yes. But that helps because we only have a Trader Joe here. We only have a Trader Joe, yes. But she does live in Dignity Falls. They moved to Palm Springs, which is why I do know a lot about California because I'm out there, you know, every now and again. But they are out there, they're doing fine. My dad was a pilot.

Really? Yes, he was. He was just a pilot for Dignity Falls. So he was just, he piloted people from, you know, one end of the city to the other. Right. That was, I gotta say, I think there was more trouble than it was worth because it was such a short... Sometimes a car could beat him there. It took

longer to wait to take off than I think you could get across down on foot. It did. They have a lot of security checks here at the Dignity Falls Airport. We were ahead of the curve on that. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, we have a first one who had a bird check because there are, what's weird is they haven't done this. They built the airport on a half of a wetland, but they didn't, they only- And the other half on a cemetery. They moved the headstones, but not the bodies.

So these birds are in harm's way a lot. And so they have to do a check. And it just means bird check. Are there birds? Can you see them? No or yes. That's the bird check. It's a lot like my lizard trick.

Before you get on the plane, they search you for birds. Yeah, they do. It's crazy. Because of that one guy. You're not allowed to take a species, indigenous to Jimmy Paul's outside of city lines. Even if you're just going across South Dignity Birds into North Dignity.

You can't take South Dignity Birds into North Dignity Birds. Yeah. There's like a- So I mean, and once again, that famous one was a guy who tried to smuggle a blue-breasted booby and he got in so much trouble. And also everyone laughed and laughed and laughed. And Doug is still laughing.

Listen to how it makes him laugh. And now you have to, it really gets him. Because of that guy, you have to strip down to your underwear in the security line. We can't have nice things. Now that laughter you hear, that demented laughter, is from our engineer Doug, Joan's husband. And Doug, you are engineering us from which room today?

I am in, get ready for this one. Oh, are you ready, Burns? I'm girding my loins. I am in, get ready for this one. Oh, okay. Are you ready, Burns? I'm girding my loins. I am in the internet. Okay, Doug, what does that mean to you? So, Joan was saying- Well, at least this one was saving some space in the house.

Joan was telling me I was spending a little bit too much time on my phone, on the computer. Yeah, he was. And just getting a little addicted to the internet. He sends me endless, endless reels just constantly. Really? Just like 20 at a time at work. Ooh, that's a lot.

And he's like, did you see it? And I'm like, I don't, I can't even keep track of which one you're talking about. Go on, babe, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop. Oh, sure. No, there's all kinds of websites out there. Boy, there sure are. Boy, that's true.

A lot of people forget, there's way more websites than- Do you think? You think people forget there's a lot of websites out there. And there sure are. A lot of people forget there's way more websites than you think. Well, you know, a lot of people are just doing Instagrams and Facebook. Yeah, everything people are still those websites. So many websites. Do you think people now it's like people take sunsets for granted? Yeah, exactly. So wait, when you say you're in the Internet, I think we should clear this. Oh, yeah. So what does that mean? Thank you. the internet, I think we should clear this up. Oh yeah, so. What does that mean?

Good call, Joe. Thank you. I thought rather than, I can't give up the internet cold turkey, but I thought I could make it harder, like a little bit more interactive to get on the internet. I still don't have any more clarity than I did 10 seconds ago.

So, well, we don't, he hasn't reached a full sentence yet. Yeah. To be fair to Doug, he's... So I've made the internet... He's wandering around the neighborhood of a sentence, but he has yet to knock on any doors. I made the internet into a physical experience. Oh boy. You mean like Tron? Like you went inside the internet like Tron. I know he loves

Tron. More just like there's a lot of levers. There's a lot of wheels. There's print, printers so I can print out Google results. Like a dot matrix. Yeah. Just so, you know, make it a little harder to just buzz around the internet. So wait. Still not grasping this. I really don't have it. I know the sentence ended, but we're in a room.

I'm trying to picture it. We're in a room and there's just a bunch of like- When you want to sign on. When I want to sign on. You flip the switch, some light, you wait for some lights to come on. Kind of like all the steps you go through to start recording us.

Yeah, Jordan, tell us how long we've been recording. There's two keys you have to turn at the same time. But okay, okay babe, are you saying that once you do through warms it up, are you on AOL? What's going on? I need two keys to warm it up. Well, Joan needs to have the other key. For why?

Well, I don't have a problem with the internet. I don't want to go in there in this weird room. Wait, so are you telling me that after you get through all of this, then your computer's there and you're allowed to be with the internet. I don't want to go in there in this weird room. Wait, so are you telling me that after you get through all of this, then your computer's there and you're allowed to be on the internet? I never actually. Because when you say inside the internet, it sounded like you created like, oh, what looks,

what the, I don't know, what a grid might look like or something. I thought it was like the green code from the Matrix. That's what I was thinking. Yes, but now it sounds like you've just come up with a bunch of pulleys and keys and locks to stop yourself from getting to the internet. Yeah, that's more like it. You just made like a Jules Verne submarine in there

Right anything to add more steps and so I don't have to just face a screen I never face a screen the whole time because what I think you'll happen that will happen is it'll take five extra minutes And then you'll get to your screen and just be on the okay So you said you you have a printer that prints out Google searches, right? But I have to call someone to initiate that. Okay. And what do they do? Then they look on their computer?

Yeah. They send, however they send the code to the printer. Why can't you just keep them on the line and say, could you give me the answer to this question? Who is they? Who is this person you're calling? Pearl. Pearl.

Oh, okay. That name came so much quicker than I expected it to. I don't know Pearl. As if I'm supposed to know so much quicker than I expected it to. I don't know. As if I'm supposed to know Pearl. I don't know a Pearl. You don't know Pearl either. I do not know her. Doug, who is Pearl?

Pearl's the librarian. Do you guys have a librarian in your house? I mean, you have a lot of rooms. We do. We realized that we were going- We're gonna be snacks. Is that Pearl? Pearl?

Trisca? Pearl's offering you Triscus. You have her drinking snacks? She wants Triscus. Babe, offering you Triscus. What you have her drinking you snacks? She wants Triscus. Babe, I don't know how I feel about this. She was just supposed to keep track of all the different rooms we have. I also thought she was at the library.

I figure she needs some cyborgs. It's more like she's the librarian for the house. Oh, I see. In the way that you would sort of have like the old fashioned Dewey Decimal System. Move those decimals. Oh, move those decimals. You know, if you were searching for a type of book, if you're searching for a type

of room, Pearl knows. She knows she's just a one woman Rolodex. I see, I see. So she does not work at the public library. She does not. She's our librarian. OK, I see. She's our home librarian. There she is. They went higher.

I alphabetized your serial. Oh, and she goes above and beyond because I never asked her to do that. How many cereals do you have that you put them in alphabetical order? Doug loves to have. It's alphabetized and colorized. Alphabetized and colorized.

Yes. I don't see how that works at all. Listen, we've got it all from A to Z. We've literally have, he loves every type of cereal. He wasn't allowed sugary cereal as a kid. And so now he's got to have every type. So we even have zoo nuts, which isn't even, um, is that for animals at the zoo? You pour it in some milk. It's cereal. You pour it in some milk. That's how Doug thinks cereal works. He's trying many different things. As long as you pour milk on it, it's cereal. Ha ha ha ha.

All right, I don't know that you should be eating zoo pellets. Well, we needed some Z's. Oh boy, and he's not. Yes, I understand. What's your ex cereal? It's like triple X. It's a sort of a novelty.

For a while, yeah, there was a Playboy came out. There was a Playboy came out. Triple X. Not Penhouse? No. Not Weave? Triple X cinnamon treats. You know, I kind of feel bad for young people in a way, because when they're searching for porn online,

they're probably getting immediately the most hardcore stuff. Oh, sure. And when I was a kid, there were definite levels, and I remember the shocking thing when you would get the really disgusting magazine. I mean, first it was just the JCPenney catalog, right? Of course.

Right, and then maybe at best it was just a picture. You know, it took a while before you get your hands on a movie. Oh my God, of course. My God. Absolutely. Let alone of getting on the internet, you know? But it is very, I was just thinking about that too earlier today, Bert, that is so strange. Here's what I imagine, now when kids are searching for porn,

it goes right to Snuff Films. Dear. Like that's the top hit. Well, Bert, when I woke up this morning, I didn't imagine we'd be discussing Snuff Films and you would have brought it up on our podcast. But here we are. Oh, are you still finishing up on your sproon fever? Yeah, it's still hanging in there.

Yeah, it has been the worst season of sproon. As everybody knows, it's the fifth season only in Dignity Falls because of carnivorous flowers. Gorgeous carnivorous flowers. Gorgeous and so tempting, but you cannot. So fragrant. You will come back without a finger. You never had better hair though. Thank you.

That is one of the side effects of getting spruined fever. Were you addressing it to me or Joe? Oh, just in general, one of the side effects. You know what, that is true. Everybody's hair looks great. It looks amazing. It's like everyone's got a filter. It's almost worth it.

It's almost worth it. Spruined, it's almost worth it. All right, so Doug's got a filter. It's almost worth it. It's almost worth it. Prune, it's almost worth it. All right, so Doug's in the internet. Doug's in the internet. How are you doing, Bert? What's going on with you? You know, I'm good. Everything's going well at the falls, Missy.

Things are good with me and Gabby. Gabby, fire jumping girlfriend. Smoke jumper. Sorry. I always get that wrong. It's okay, it's okay. It's an unusual occupation. It's unusual. I'm not used to it.

So it's not fire. Where there's smoke, there's sometimes fire. No, where there's smoke, there is fire. I think I just wanted to try that saying on for size, but I don't think it came out right. How do you feel? Did it feel good? Can we get you a different size?

No. They walk around in it a little bit. I'll go check in the back. These have to break in. He's just got fire on the brain because as you remember the last room he was in was he created a firehouse. Yes. A very dangerous fire pole. That's right. Hole in our master bedroom corner.

That's right. I put a I put a little carpet over it. Oh, that should be fine then. That should be fine. Like a trap. Like the Money Pit. The Money Pit, sure. That's an old reference for our younger listeners.

Joan and I are the two people that have seen that movie. That's right. And me. Oh, and Doug's side as well. A little and me. So things going well with Gabby, that's great. Yes, she's getting a little weary of the smoke jumping world. Oh. Yes. She is she's getting a little weary of the the smoke jumping

World. Oh, yeah, and she says there's a lot of politics Oh, I'm sure there is and there's lots of drama fighting lots of drama. I bet you they need their own Video to train them, you know when they come home and their kids eating a burger They do they do have one and a Gabby was in it actually. Oh, really? Yes. Yes. Yes They do have one and Gabby was in it actually. Oh really? Yes, yes, yes. We have something in common. I'm so glad I met her.

I'm just so glad I met her. Yeah, she really enjoyed you guys. Oh, that's so great. For those of you that don't know what we're talking about, you could always, Bernd, how could they listen to that episode? Well, in our bonus room, if you are a subscriber to CBBworld.com

on the Maximus tier, then you would have access to the bonus room. And we did have, for some reason, a recording of our dinner. So she's getting tired of it. What else would she like to do? She have another passion? She has a lot of passions and, you know,

she of course loves the entertainment industry, but she doesn't, she's not a, she's not an actor, but she does like sort of presenting, like hosting, because she did host the video for the smoke jumping. Oh, that makes so much sense. My first thought was, gosh, it sounds like a show that should be on Discovery.

They can make a reality show about smoke jumping, like World's Most Dangerous Jobs or whatever, and then she could be this badass woman on that show. But I can also see her becoming a host, that's very cool. What she really wants to do is QVC. You're kidding. She really wants to do QVC. Really? I've never met or even heard of someone who really wanted to do that. She loves to talk about objects and she will pick up any object and she can go on and on about it. She knows the dimensions. She knows everything. It's fascinating.

That's amazing. Because I'll like try to stump her, you know, and I'll say, well, you probably can't take that, you can't take that, you know, on an airplane. She'll say, no, actually you can. And here's how you do it. And she, you can't stump her. She will come up with any, she will, she'll fill in the blanks for any question you might have.

Sorry, that's escrow in the background, our very old talk. Oh, escrow. That's amazing. Wow. Well, you know. Escrow's just walking on his front feet. Yeah, escrow. That's amazing. Wow. Well, you know. Escrow's just walking on his front feet. Yeah, why is he doing that?

Why is he doing that? Doug showed him a video of a dog doing that. And now he actually is doing it. How did this work where Doug showed him the video? He described what was going on. Yes, I know escrow can't see. Right. But also I don't know how you get, wrangle a dog and say,

Hey, let's watch this together. Well, I had Pearl bring it up. She rolled in the TV. I think you're making Pearl do too many things, babe. She was only really supposed to do one thing. And like for one day and she's been here for a month. This is, you don't want to, you know, Vanderpump rules and her, you know what I mean?

Oh boy. Well. Very timely. It could be, who knows? You never know. Something else crazy could happen and come out right before this episode airs. So true, Joe. So does Gabby actually know everything about every object

or she just sort of wings it? I don't know. I think she wings it of course. It sounds so convincing though. And she, the other day, she picked up a safety pin off the carpet. Okay. And she had, she talked about it for 20 minutes straight.

Was it scarred? All the features. How was that possible? She was displaying it in such a way that the light was hitting it beautifully. Wow. And I was reaching my wallet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Did she say there's only a limited time?

Yes, of course she did. That's amazing. Wow, I mean, then maybe that's her calling. It might be. It might be. That might be her vocation, her true vocation. Good for her. Yeah.

Babe, I feel like we've been talking for a little bit. I mean, like I have a little update on my show, but I think maybe we should get our guest and we can do it later. How long have we been talking? And I'm prepping him because I know it takes so long for him to find out. Are you on the internet?

Keep vamping. Keep vamping. Keep vamping. All right, so Doug's throwing some switches, pulling some levers. He's pulling a lever too. I'm sure there's a rope that he has to. I think it's about 19, 19, 20.

All right, what do you think, Burn? Should I? I think it's about 19, 20. He's not even sure. Yeah, I don't know what he's looking at. I have no screen. You have no screen? That's right, you have no screen.

Oh, what? Right. I'm so, I'm gonna have to go in and see this place for myself. This is all so Doug will not look at screens. Oh, yeah, that's right. Which I guess people will. We are trying to cut down Doug's screen time, it's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this certainly seems a better use of time. He sounds happy. He does sound happy. I'm sitting in my cockpit, my internet sort of cockpit chair. I can swivel all around, 360 degrees. I can look out the window, then measuring the sun. The sun's arc, you know, since we started.

Now I'd say- You know, I've wondered about this of all the rooms in our houses that I thought there might be one room that finally makes Doug go mad. And I think this might be it. I think we should maybe not let him stay in there for too long.

The sun chamber nearly brought me down. The sun chamber really was very intense for you. I hope you have discontinued that room. Now we've locked it off. It says discontinued as triple X. The noise of that. Pour milk on it, it's triple X. What's your L cereal?

Go. Lucky charms. There we go. That was an easy one. Thought I'd getcha. Thought I'd getcha. All right, well we will take a break. And when we return, we'll have a guest here

on The Neighborhood Listen. return we'll have a guest here on the neighborhood listen. be happy. And you know what? I just can't take it anymore. I can't take the pressure anymore. You know? I turn the corner and that sign is there with it. It's smug, Instagrammable font and I just can't. You know, some days I just can't be happy, okay? So, it's someone else's turn. It's someone else's turn to have to be happy every damn day. Okay? So come get this thing at three3. And be happy. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Sound like someone pinched you. Oh, did I sound strange?

Not not strange. Just like someone pinched you. Like I sound a little Santa Claus. Oh, Santa Claus. Oh, now that was flirting very closely to it. Nope, and we're cold again. Ha ha ha! No, and the face to go with it. Oh, everybody.

Anyways, so we, now you're very good at this preamble when you explain what we do here on The Neighborhood Listen. Here's what we do on The Neighborhood Listen, and this is a preamble for you. What we do is we scour the NeighborHap, the social networking application for neighborhoods where neighbors can talk to each other, and we look for interesting posts

so we can introduce some of our neighbors in Dignity Falls to the general public. And if you would like to do that, if you see an interesting post that maybe we missed, you can screenshot it and send it to us at burntandjone at gmail.com and we may read it on the air. And this one, did this one come from a listener? I think it might, yes it did.

Oh great. This one came from Jason Moss, Jason Moss. Jason Moss, thank you Jason Moss. Well this is Christina and Christina says, hey I just saw a dying raccoon. If you see it by your house, period. May I see it, may I please see it for a pelt? Huh, I know that is weird.

Okay, well, but this thing was beautiful and I want to make sure it lives another day. I know this is random, but dot, dot, dot slash figured. I'd keep an eye out for it. I tried to keep it alive all day and I don't want her beauty to just die. Wow, that is quite a post. And we have Christina here.

Christina, hi, how are you? Is this chair stable? Oh, goodness, yes. Well, I mean, it is sort of, you know, as we know, we record around my kitchen island and it's sort of a stool with a backing, but would you prefer, would you prefer something lower to the ground? Yeah, I'm on it.

Okay. I'm on it now. Okay. I'm Christina Pham. Christina Pham? Okay. Nice to meet you. Well, it's nice to meet you.

Oh, okay. I listen. We, well, okay. Time is of the essence. Oh, okay. I'm on it now. I'm Christina Pham. Christina Pham? Okay. Nice to meet you. Well, it's nice to meet you. Oh, OK. I listen. We well, OK.

Time is of the essence. Oh, yes. So now, wait, can we ask you a few questions? Yes, we just have a few questions. Oh, did you not know that was going to be a part of it? I didn't. OK. Can I ask first, has anyone, I take it

you have not gotten any responses. No. And that's why you're here. Yeah. To spread the word. Okay. My nephew drove me here and he's idling. Oh, he's in the car outside?

Yes, he is. Okay. I mean, he can come in if he'd like to. I mean, I don't want him to feel like he's not welcome. It took so long to get him to come out of the house and drive me here. Why is that? He lives in a basement. Oh, your basement?

Yes. Okay. And he just, he's shy. Okay. And he's too good for any woman in this town. Well, I have a lot more questions about your nephew, but I think we need to deal with the raccoon of it all first. Absolutely. So you found, just to recap for everybody, you found, you saw a raccoon on the road. What did you assess its injuries to be? What is it dying from? How did you know that it was dying? I was power walking on William Henry Harrison Road and I heard a cough and I know what that cough is because we used to have raccoons in the cypress tree

outside my house as a child. And I know all of the sounds they used to communicate. And I said, that is a late stage rabies raccoon. Oh, wow. Over seven years, which is usually that's borrowed time. Oh, really? And I went over to it and I know enough, these raccoons, they're rabid, they're rabid.

All of them or you mean when they're rabid? When they're rabid, they're rabid. If you look at a raccoon. When they're rabid, they're rabid. I wish they would cough into their elbow. That's my husband, Doug. He's the engineer. He's in the internet right now.

Is he in heaven? Babe, I don't think they could reach because they have such short hands and arms. But they hold out their fist the way like little toddlers do when they cough. Boy, oh boy. Just bring it right closer to the mouth, at least. I haven't seen them cough, I guess.

Maybe I haven't and didn't realize it. I didn't know raccoons cough so much. They can cough. They don't have very big lungs. Bert just realize it. I didn't know raccoons cough so much. They can cough. They don't have very big lungs. Bert just did it. He uses his elbow. It doesn't sound like that.

I appreciate that. Sure. Well, I always carry a pipette of water around with me. Oh, okay. Because I have a very- A glass pipette of water? Just no, a little plastic pipette of water. And I can't have a full glass

because my bladder is very tiny. Right. But I have a nice pipette full. And I said, well, this raccoon's not going to get me, but I can give it a drop of water at a time. And that's- And is that what a rabid raccoon needs? Is he dehydrated?

That's true. They call it, oh, I just hit my head on the back of the chair. I saw that happen. Again, it's hard to picture because normal barstools at an island just go have a back that goes up to your mid shoulder with mine go above your head.

Yes, they're like kind of like the thrones. Beautiful, beautiful carved oak. And there's a little rooster on the back. It almost has the effect of us being little children sitting in gigantic chairs. They're remarkably heavy as well. They were so expensive. It wasn't worth it. I don't think.

Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I can't find a pillow long enough to put up. One day you will. You have to put a body pillow, I guess. Yeah, I think you do. Okay. So now wait a minute.

Here's another question about the rabid raccoon. Is a rabid raccoon, is that just a death sentence? Cause you say, you know, it's dying. I don't know. It's an honest question. Oh, it is. It is a certain death. Okay. Okay.

And it's painful and long and drawn out. Oh dear. But here's the and long and drawn out. Oh dear. But here's the thing, I want that pelt. Right, so here's the confusing part. You said you wanted to extend its life at one point. Am I wrong about that? It sounded like you wanted to help it live, but in order to get the pelt,

you have to kill it, right? This is how I interpret it. And correct me if I'm wrong, Christina. I think she will. I took it to mean that you wanted to prolong its life by some sort of taxidermy, just preserving the pilt in some way so that its beauty would live on.

Yes, that's true. I also wanted to be the hospice of this raccoon. I was gonna get a, I have one Vicodin that I keep for emergencies. Right. Just one, just the one. That's right. Okay. A lady dropped it in the hospital, I took it. And I was prepared to crush it up, put it in the pipette.

Oh. And just have a- Just for fun. Just to help this raccoon. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. For the raccoon, Bert. I thought this was a plan for you. But now we know what you call a good time. Okay, well, I mean, I don't know if you see

Viking on the floor of the hospital. You say, oh, I'll take that. Yeah, what was the situation for you also in the hospital? I was visiting my mother. Oh, I'm sorry. I was visiting my mother who has a certain kind of dementia where she will attack shadows.

Oh dear, that's hard. It's very hard. And so I have to get her medication. I was standing on line. This lady was very excited to get her Vicodin. She dropped one. She was very excited to get her Vicodin. She was so excited and didn't miss one.

That dropped on the floor. She was in a hurry. I wish I knew her back story. Were they dispensing them to her? One at a time? They were tossing one at a time. She said, let me see if I can get it in this cup. Well, Bern, I don't think they would ever do that.

The falls must see, can you imagine? No, of course not. What a strange way to distribute. But the pharmacies at hospitals are insane. Oh no, they are, Kuko. Oh, they're, they, I don't know what it is, but they all go crazy there. Yes. Yeah.

It's a racket. Just a lot of sweatshirts that are like, oh, today is a great day. A lot of that. A lot of that. All right, so let's get back to the raccoon. So you. So you.

So you. So you. So you. So you. So you. That was great, Joan. Oh, thanks, babe. You know, you never compliment me on this podcast.

Deadly accurate. Yeah. Oh dear. Deadly accurate. Yeah. Oh dear, well anyhow, so you did, you do want to. You did and do want to do this. You want to see this raccoon through to death and then afterwards, are you thinking of stuffing it? Death with dignity, then I would skin it as soon as I could.

Oh. And then I would use that fur and make myself the smartest fascinator headband hat. Wow. What does that mean? Oh, you don't know what a fascinator is? I don't. See, I learn things all the time. It's those little tiny hats that they wear maybe to, you see it in England a lot with the royal family. If there's some sort of event, they wear these little hats. Oh, I never knew that's what it was called. Fascinator.

Perched at an angle on your head. Yes, I know what you're talking about. So you want a raccoon fascinator? Yes, I want to be like a little tiny zarina with a little fur hat and just walk around, go to Red Robin and just... table for one. Table for one. And what shape do you anticipate the fascinator being? I was expecting it to look like a little fur hat that the Russian royalty wear.

Sure, absolutely, the Russian royalty. So it turns out it wasn't what you thought. She really does want to skin it and then turn it into a fascinator. Yes, okay, if you needed to say that, I wasn't. You said that as if we had a bet. Ooh, I wish we had a bet. I wish we had. I do wish we had.

It's fun. We should make more bets on the show. We really should. But I can't because as everybody knows, it was disclosed I owe Burton a very shocking amount of money. It's fine. We don't want to get into it. Burton, I feel so bad.

You shouldn't worry about that. What if I gave you the skin from the raccoon's paws? Ooh. Would that settle up the money? I don't think so. Are you talking I gave you the skin from the raccoon's paws? Ooh. Would that settle up the money? I don't think so. Would that settle up the whole lot? Are you talking about the paw pads? That seems very strange.

I could do that. I was thinking. Is that valuable? You could make a wrist lift. Is there really enough paw skin to make a wrist lift? Let me look at your wrist. Here we go. No, not for you. This is very upsetting.

This row is very upsetting. So. My wrists are the same size as I, my arms don't the same size as my arms don't taper. My arms don't taper. Can you bend them for me, Justin? Oh, thank you. Yeah, I mean the wrist works. Okay.

It does. I can swivel. Oh, that's all you need. But it looks like it doesn't, right? It looks like it. I never noticed it before, Bert. Never spent much time looking at your hands. I can't wear a watch because it's too distracting.

There's no discernible elbows. No. But I do have them. There's no discernible elbows. No. But I do have them. From the shoulder to the wrist. It's like a tube. Like a tube. I mean, if you need to die, I could do something with your skin if that elbow situation.

If I need to die. If the elbow situation is fatal, I said I could do something with your skin to commemorate you. Well, now, Christina, I thought we were gonna talk about the raccoon, but I do have to ask. No, now it's getting interesting. Have you fashioned things out of human skin before? Oh, no.

I hope the answer is no. Oh, no. Only my own. Oh, what does that mean? It means that if I have a hangnail or some such, I can make tiny dioramas of historic events. With hangnails? With little hangnails.

You're kidding. I'm going to have to call a such as here. Yeah. On this podcast, if someone provides some sort of detail like that without an example, we call a such as. We want to know an example of a historic diorama featuring your hangnails, exclusively.

All right, well, one of them was, what's the war where the, theirs was not to do or die, there was not to reason why. The Charge of the Light Brigade? That's it, that's it, the Charge of the Light Brigade. I did it, I did it. I have the British.

With an assist from Brute. I have the Turks. I got the Russians. Okay. How many, okay. So hangnails, I guess you could use eyelashes. I guess if you have any skin tags removed. Without getting too explicit,

I do have a bit of psoriasis and eczema. Okay. So things need to be eczema. Oh dear. Okay. So things need to be sloughed. Right. Silver lining. I saved the sloughings from my petty egg. Pet egg. I forgot about pet eggs. Apologies to any of our listeners who are a bit squeamish.

Don't forget about the pet eggs. I promise I won't. Never forget about the pet egg. I bet your wife could sell one. Really nice. Oh. Well, we're not quite there yet sell one. Really nice. Oh, oh. Well, we're not quite there yet. She's just dating.

Oh, yeah, okay. Just a girlfriend, yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay, let's put the raccoon aside for a minute and talk about your nephew. Now, your nephew lives in the basement. How long has he lived with you? And how old is he?

He's 14. Ooh, okay. He moved into my basement at the age of 29. Mm. Why? He turned out to be, 40. Okay. Um, he moved into my basement at the age of 29. Uh, why he turned out to be, this is how it was said to me, if he had a family, he would be a family annihilator. He was lying about having, he lied. He lied about working at Build-A-Bear for five years, Five years.

He left at 9.30 every morning to go to the mall. Five years. He would spend nine hours a day doing Lord knows what. And this is when he was living with you or his parents. He was living with his parents. But then who says if he had a family? Because it sounds like he did have a family. But not the kind that we're like,

oh, I have a wife and beautiful children. This is my perfect life. Oh, OK. Well, anyway, they were sick of his shenanigans. And so he moved. And this was back when he was in his 20s. Yes. Well, he snuck into the basement.

And when I went down to check out the heater. Well, there he was. But I want to be the cool aunt. So I said. OK. Otherwise, you're single. There's no be the cool aunt, so I said. Okay, otherwise you're single, there's no one living in the house with you? No, I had gerbils. They had babies.

It got to be- You were looking around just now as if they were with you. Oh, I expected- Did you bring some with you or? I expected to see them every, I mean, they were- Why? Because they populate. They populate birth.

Oh, that is true, they do. But then we had a couple of litters that were all male and then they all died out. Tearsfully. And then I made a coat. Did you skin them? You made a pelt. I made a coat.

Oh, a coat. You made a coat of gerbils. It's a lot of gerbils. There were hundreds. Hundreds. You like it in hundreds, Burns. You can do the math. I do.

If you had a wrist, you'd fit it. I bet I would. If you had a wrist, Burns. You can do the math. I do. If you had a wrist, you'd fit it. I bet I would. If you had a wrist, you'd fit it. And so I'm trying to now understand why we're talking about the nephew. Well, he's a- What I like to do, Burns, and you know this,

I do at a certain point in the interview like to know a little bit more about our guest's home life. And I also just think, you know, for a minute I needed a break from the raccoon because I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. But of course we need to get back to it and know if it's still alive. I have to, I will confess that I'm, my brain is a little muddled and I'm, I'm lagging just a little bit behind. Oh, that's no problem.

It's fine. And I got lost after remember the pet egg and I was... You were busy remembering it. I was busy remembering the pet egg. Should we explain what a pet egg is in case no one knows? I mean, we had to explain the NFL football phone. The Sports Illustrated football phone. Yes. Yes, the pet egg was an egg shaped

cheese grater that you would use on your feet. It sent me to the hospital a few times. Sure. Oh my God. Absolutely. Absolutely. People go to town with that thing. Oh, it was a food grade. We do remember when that thing came out and we sold out of crazy glue in Dignity Falls because people were using it for its intended purpose

from the Vietnam War as skin. Yes, people, a lot of people don't know that, that that is what it was initially invented for. Yes, it was supposed to keep wounds held together and that's why it only works on your hands. And nothing else. It was meant to save soldiers, now only toddlers stick their hand to the wall with it.

Is that why it's called crazy glue? Yeah. Some soldiers just like, that's crazy, man. Like, babe. Yeah. I think that's the exact origin. I think that's exactly how it happened. Some soldiers are like, that's crazy, man.

And that soldier's name, glue. Last name. All crazy glue. Okay, well let's get back to the raccoon, Bert. Let's really, let's dig in, okay? Let's jump back in. Why were you, I have to, I guess I have to ask, did you assume that this raccoon was a pet

that you saw dying by the side of the road, and that's why you had to post and ask permission? Yeah, that is a good point. Thank you, Joan. It was sticking to the driveway, and the way it looked towards the house, I mean, there was a lot of, there was some oozings. Oh, dear.

But the way it looked at the house, I thought, oh, a lot of, there was some oozings. Oh dear. But the way it looked at the house, I thought, Oh, I hear, I see what you mean. This is home. The house that it was nearby or yours. The house that it was nearby. Okay. I was on my power walk. Okay. And that's why you thought it was a pet maybe. Yes. Okay. But from what I know about raccoons, I think it is now in a state of being where it's, it's sentience has crossed over to the others. Like it's starting to be like grandfather raccoon. Going through the tunnel. So I, I want it before someone grabs it,

but I'm going to save the Vicodin for myself. Okay. That's a good idea. I guess I'm still, you know, people usually want to come on and spread the word about this, about their, their post. Did you receive any responses or no? We've covered this joke. Oh, okay. Well, maybe I'm lagging now.

I couldn't remember what her answer was. All I know is my nephew press. I'm thinking about the origin of crazy glue. Is that where he turned off? I'm really hung up on it. That's crazy, man. Private Edgar glue. Private Edgar Glue. Private Edgar Glue.

Thank you for your service. Oh no, not me. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, there you are. I'm not served. Oh, you're burnt. Yes, I am not private. Nice to meet you.

Can I ask you really quickly, how old are you? Oh, a lady never asks and a lady never tells. I don't know that song. 80. What's the rest of that song? A lady never asks and a lady never tells. 80. What's the rest of that song? A lady never asks and a lady never tells. Please be polite because if something smells, no one wants to know, especially if at their home. Buy war bonds.

That's beautiful. That was beautiful. I like that ending. It's a real fun ending. Are you sure? Good investment. Good investment. We're Sparta.

Well, good for you being a power walker at 80. Wait, what was that? I said we're a warring nation. We're Sparta, you said. So buy those war bonds. We're Sparta. From 300? We are the warring nation.

Wow. That's why all my skin filing historical monuments are of war. Oh, I see. I see. You said you power walked on William Henry Harrison. That's right. Do you have a license? To walk? Yeah, they have power walking licenses.

Oh yeah. You might not have known about this. Oh shoot. It was fairly recent. Yeah. Babe, I can't remember why. Why do you need a license? Well, there were just so many power walkers.

Oh, that is true. Yes. It became the place to power walk. I think it's a bit of a racket because you have to go through power walking training and somebody has to hold your hand as you power walk. And there's no governmental oversight of this. I think it's just scammers.

We had to come up with our own series of horn honks with our mouths. Beep, beep, baa. Why did you need horn honks with our mouths. Beep beep, ah. Why did you need horn honks? Because we need to pass each other. Oh, I see. Would they take pelts at the licensing office? I don't think you should.

I don't think you should be giving them anything. I think it's a scam. Oh, all right. I'll take my chances then. So, what is the state of the raccoon at this moment? I know that it's transitioning. Great question, Jo. I know that it's transitioning,

but I mean, how many days do you think it has left? Is it hooked up to anything? How do you, what is the- I made a makeshift IV saline solution from my AccuView and the pipette. And that he- So you got contact lens solution going into his body. Yes, because it's a saline.

And so that should buy us some time. The circulation stops in the feet, which is always a sign that the time is coming. How did you measure that? Oh, I just, I massaged his tiny toe pads. Okay. And you could tell there was no blood getting in there. Oh, you would be able to tell.

Oh, she got scared. You would be able to tell. They have a very strong foot pulse. Oh, absolutely. We don't know. You're educating us. It's where their chi is located in their tiny little foot pads. Oh, wow.

Okay. But they're adorable little nails. And so the circulation and the shallow breathing. And so I'm guessing if he sees the morning, we'll be lucky. Oh dear. Aren't you worried about, do you need to, do you feel like you need to be there as he transitions for his last breath or? To hold his little hand?

Yeah. I would love to be there, but I needed to snack. But I'm thinking raccoons usually are in huge packs of 35 or more. They're usually around each other. That was another question I had. I wondered if any of them have showed up at like the back door that they'll do that sometimes. If they know one of their own is, they're usually around each other. That was another question I had. I wondered if any of them have showed up at the back door. They'll do that sometimes, if they know one of their own

is, I don't know, have there been any family members that have come to claim him? I heard rustlings, but I have a wild imagination. And so you just kept, okay. Meaning anything could be a rustle. Like you mean you don't want to imagine it's a raccoon, it could just be something else. It could have been a bird.

I actually thought there were gerbils here. That's right. Oh, there? Oh, we know of. No, there aren't. There are, there are. That we know of. But let me, but so, so, okay.

So if I understand the timeline, you, your power walking past, you see the dying raccoon, you check on him, check his vitals, you rig up an IV of contact lens solution, you are checking his little feet for a pulse, and then you see that there's nothing that can be done at that point?

Why did you continue on rather than like say, knock on the door? Oh, I don't know them, but I turned around and I went home and I burst into the door where my nephew lives and he yelled at me for a long time about knocking. How long would you say? It was not, I didn't need to see the things I saw.

Oh boy. Oh dear. Let me tell you, you're right about what people find when they pull up pornography. Anyway, I said, put a message on NeighborHap. And he said, oh, you get off my back. And I said, you're living here for free. And that went on for a half an hour.

Oh, that's a long time. Then I saw him press send. Oh. So he had composed it, but then you argued a little bit more before he sent it. Absolutely. He's not an easy man to live with. So.

I lock my silverware. Oh, you do? Just regular silverware. Not even the silver? There's a padlock lock my silverware. Oh, you do? Just regular silverware. Not even the silver? There's a padlock on my silverware drawer. What do you think he will do if he gets access to your silverware? He'll sell it.

He'll sell it for more things from Mattel. From Mattel? He collects toys. Oh no, he's just got a bunch of toys in the basement. Oh dear. Does he have Funko Pops? The inexplicably popular and expensive Funko Pops? He has the most obscure ones.

He has an Ernest Borgnein Funko Pop. He has a Carol Channing Funko Pop. Oh now that would be a fun one. Absolutely. I might like that actually. Sure. And he has a Sir Richard Branson Funko Pop. Wow.

And he doesn't work, you said? No, he doesn't. He lied. He said he worked at Build-A-Bear. One time I, yes, I have an original poochy score and I said, would you please help me sew this since you make bears all day? And he said, I never did that.

So he never worked at Build-A-Bear. No, that's what she's saying. For years he just went to the mall. Isn't that crazy? I assumed he had this job, lost it, and then was lying about going back to work. But what a strange place to pick as your fake job. Yeah, because honestly,

it's the biggest Build-A-Bear in the country. It's huge. You can't miss it. It's what everyone goes to. You'd think that he would want to show up there every once in a while just to be seen. You can't miss it. It's what everyone goes to. You'd think that he would want to show up there every once in a while just to be seen. The smoke from the stacks. It's big business.

There are some stories about what's actually going on. But anyways, I just feel like, and again, this is why I ask about the nephew, is that usually the home life informs what's going on with our guests. Oh. Yes. We have found that to be true, Katrina.

Bert loves a good Frankenstein's monster grunt. Christina. One night. Of what? A Frankenstein's monster grunt. Oh my. A good Peter Zottel grunt. Igor.

No. Doug loves Igor. It's his favorite character in any Frankenstein story. Just loves Igor. You know, you're in any Frankenstein story. Just loves Igor. You know, you're kind of an Igor for the podcast. Is that why you connected? I didn't show him. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. It is his hump or is it because he eats bugs? Wait, what? Well, that's Renfield. Oh, I'm a fool. Don't take a Renfield for an Igor. Don't take an Igor for a Renfield. No.

Bert knows his literary monsters. Well, they're friends. I know they're friends. They're friends off of their books. They're little assistants. You know the monsters for this. Yeah. Okay, well, so now I can't even remember what,

now I'm just thinking about it. It was about my nephew. Okay, do you think that maybe you sort of are looking for, I feel like you're a little lonely maybe? I could be wrong. You're 80 years old. Do you ever wonder if someone's going to take care of you? Well, the first thing he said is, I'll live here as long as you let me have your credit cards.

And I said, well, that seems smart. Have them. Keep them. How is that a deal? Hold onto them. So he's offering to live there as long in return you give him your credit card. For safe keeping.

I used to keep them in my Deal-A-Meal folder where there were little cards and I would keep them on my purse. I'd leave it everywhere. I'd leave it everywhere. I'd leave it everywhere. I'd leave it at the mall. I'd leave it at the...

Why would you... Triple A. Why would you leave it at Triple A? Oh, I go. I say what's happening. I always go and I say what does it stand for? Older people do love Triple A. They like to just go in and hang out.

Yeah, I'm not sure if I know where the brick and porter Triple A is in town. We do love AAA. They like to just go in and hang out. Talk to. I'm not sure if I know where the brick and mortar AAA is in town. We do have one. We do have one. It's sort of like built into a hill. Right. Like a hobbit. If you pretend you have a cough,

they'll give you a little cone of water. A little cone of water. So, that's why I go. And then I leave my book of credit cards there. And at this point- In the dealer meal folder. In the dealer meal folder, in the fats, the carbs, and the veggies.

Anyway, my nephew said, this is madness. Let me keep them next to my computer. And I think I need to ask, did you ever discover, are you aware or do you know if he has used your credit cards to purchase items? I haven't had time to take a look at my statement really because he makes art out of my mail and So sometimes he'll just paint I'm sorry paint paint on it, right? So so maybe it's not about your time management But more about the fact that he's painting over these these items. I

Think it'd be important for you to take a look at a bill or two every once in a while Oh, all right, because I have to be honest I mean, I don't I mean Burton you and I both know that this miss man is using her credit cards, right? Yeah, I think it's very obvious. I mean, Mattel wouldn't just send gifts because they're nice, would they? Well, sure, but he also has, I mean, it has to be through you, because he has no income, right? That's true.

Yeah. Okay. Oh no. I do hate it when our guests have bad revelations right in our podcast in real time. Oh no. Oh no. How long would you say,

how long would you say this has been going on? Well, he's 40, he's been with you since he was 29, right? Yeah, that's correct. 11 years. Oh, dear. You can't do a lot of damage in 11 years. Did you say can't or can't? Can't. Oh, I think you can. I think 11 years is plenty of time to do damage. Oh, no. Yeah.

I wish I lived in the Tron with that man who's invisible. I wish I had a different life. I wish I found 80 raccoons and could make a magic carpet fly away. No, no, no. Oh my goodness. Well, this is, I never like to be worried about our guests. Where would you go?

To the AAA. You go to the AAA? I'd go to the AAA. I'd take a magic carpet of raccoon fur to the AAA. But why? You can go there any time. Why not go to, I don't know, Paris? You're already going there.

But I want to be there when the lights are off. Why? I want to be there. I want to hear the sound of the building when there's no one there. Like from the inside, you want to be inside? Yes, I want to hear the ghost of all the transactions. The ghosts of the transactions.

So many cars. What does that sound like? So many cars on the road. I have an appointment. Do you have an appointment? I don't have an appointment. I didn't think she would do it. Do you have an appointment?

I don't have an appointment. Sit there. Sit here. Yeah, excuse me. And this brings you joy. It just sounds nice. Just to be a fly on the wall. Oh my goodness.

Or be a dying raccoon on a driveway. That sounds nice. Oh my goodness. With ooze, all the ooze. I'm sorry, what? All the oozing. All the oozing. All the oozing, yes.

Just letting it all go. Thank you for that. I feel like we need to get you some companions or some social activity. Do you go to church? I have not decided on a religion. My parents said it's up to you. And then they gave me all these texts. I'm on the Quran. And after that, I will read the Book of Mormon. Are you, okay.

You said they gave you, I thought this was a long time ago. They're not still with us, are they? Okay. No. No, cause you're 80, okay. All right. And do you have any siblings? I have one sister and her name is Jacqueline Smith.

Okay. Oh, of course she has siblings cause she's a nephew. So then what hap then where is your sister? Well she was one of the original Charlie's Angels. I was going to ask, yeah, that name sounded familiar. She was the brunette Charlie's Angel with the long hair. Wow, that's kind of a big deal. She also has a clothing line.

Yes, Kmart. I have unlimited credit at Kmart for her clothing. For her clothing. That's something your nephew couldn't get to. Have we named him yet? Do we know his name? Credit with a K. It's Eric.

With a K? With a C and a K, thank you. With a C and a K. Boy, they really doubled down. Real belt and suspenders name. And he really hits it. He hits it. I hear him ordering from Mattel and he's, Eric.

Oh. He's calling Mattel to order. Oh, he's calling them. He told me it was to fix all these toys coming to him. To fix them? Yes, to send them back, please, Mattel, come, please, get them. But I don't think he's doing that. So, all right, your sister is Jacqueline Smith, and that is who Eric's mother And. I mean, using deductive reasoning, yes.

Right. And so I'm sorry, did I miss that she lived in Dignity Falls at one time? She did for a hot minute. It was an investment property. Oh, sure. They really loved the AAA and they said, well, how convenient is this four times a year

when we have to go? I see. And then they decided not to stay. Where are they now? They're on a street called Juniper Street, but not here. Oh, sure. Juniper Street in another town. In Dubai.

Oh, Juniper Street in Dubai. She can work remotely and she said, why not? And does she ever ask about Eric? I mean, does she have any other children? Does she care that he's sort of just- Is Jacqueline Smith still alive? She is still alive, very much alive. She looks amazing.

Good catch, good catch, Byrne. Thank you, thank you, John. I was genuinely curious. Yeah. She looks incredible. She got all the jeans. She got the chin I should have had. Oh dear.

Oh. But sometimes- I don't think there's anything wrong with your chin. Well, thank you. One time she sent me- I get why you say that though. Oh my God. Burnt. Every time I say an R or a consonant,

it takes so much effort. Oh really? So much effort. I'm glad you didn't notice. I didn't. She sends me a terse text every couple of weeks. And she does send me a gold bullion to make up for the fact that her son is living in my basement.

And how often does she send one? You just said she sends you a gold bullion. So how often? And also what does that constitute? That is a brick of gold, a very thin brick of gold. A thin brick, okay. I have to go to Fort Knox. Like the kind they have on traders.

Correct. Okay. I have to, that's correct, the pile. But not Australia traders where it's silver. Oh boy. That's silver. Yeah. Silver bullion.

Does anyone know the host of the Australian trader? I think his name is Roger. I'd like him, please. Oh! If you said I need company. Roger, if you're listening, g'day. And someone's interested. I'll take him as company.

So basically I get a gold bullion delivered. I have to fly to Fort Knox. I have to trade it in for cash. Why does she bother? Why doesn't she deliver it right to you? She's cruel. Although maybe it's a good thing she's not doing that because otherwise I think Eric would snatch them right up.

Please say you have them in a safe space and he doesn't know where they are. They're in my basement. That's where he lives. In the pillows. In the pillows? On the couch. Okay.

All right, you've sewn them into the pillows. I have. Okay. And he does, I guess he might not, maybe if he goes to lay down and it goes, kunk. I mean. Okay. And he does, I guess he might not, maybe if he goes to lay down and it goes, I mean like I. He's, I have to, when I say this, underline every word, he is not bright. Okay.

Okay. All right. That helped, that helped. That really drove it home. He's not bright. He was a spoiled rich boy. Yeah. And then he failed at everything and now he lives in my basement.

Oh, that's so sad. So how many, how much gold do you have sown into the couch at this point? 11 years, that's so sad. So how much gold do you have sewn into the couch at this point? Oh, 11 years, two times a year. Oh. 22 balls of gold. Well, why don't you, where are you from now?

Oh no, it's just getting an accent. That was my chin. Oh, I see, I see, I'm so sorry. This isn't an accent, it's a disability one. Oh no, okay, fair enough, fair enough. Well, at this point I think it might be prudent to gather your gold and travel to Fort Knox and trade it in for some money. No, no, no, you don't understand.

I get the gold delivered to my house. I take the gold to Fort Knox. I trade it in for money. Then I could fly home and I put the money in a pillow. Oh, so the money's in the pillow. I thought the gold was in the pillow. Oh, I thought that was wild. Okay, all right.

But I do also have some gold. Where? I have both, where? Now that's the question. It is my question. I keep it also in my Deal and Meal folder. So it could be anywhere. It could be anywhere.

But for some reason, this folder you can't keep hold of. Why would I get rid of it? Well, because you keep losing it. And I would say, don't put valuable things in it because you've, you've had this happen to you by your own account many, many times. In 1988, when Deal A Meal came out, I was 45. I had the world on a string. Oh really?

Oh, say more about that. Oh my goodness. What was going on? Oh, I worked at an aerobic studio. I signed people in. I had Deal-A-Meal, so my eating was right on track. I knew someone who knew Richard Simmons. So sometimes I went with him when he would water his plants

when he was away. I had everything you could possibly want. My sister Jacqueline. We were good friends. Oh. It was the time of my life. It really does sound like heady times. Sounds beautiful.

Sounds so beautiful. My days were full morning to night. Absolutely. Oh, it's the chin. Signing people in. Is that your chin again? Oh, yes. Eating based on cards.

I had. Should we explain for people who might not know what DL meal was? I'm trying to remember. And I think it was. Oh, Chris, or either one of you. Oh, everyone. Everyone get on eBay. There's a deck of cards, fats, carbohydrates, vegetables, and sugar, and protein. And they were all a color that was so cleverly tied into whatever food source it was.

Carbs were brown, veggies green, protein purple, treats were pink. Lots of purple protein out there. Lots of it. And so you would put the cards from one side and as you ate those things, it was on the other side and you can keep track of what you had. So you needed more green cards.

I would eat a head of broccoli and sign people in at aerobic and you. Just a raw head of broccoli. Just a raw head of broccoli. Good for you aerobic and you. Just a raw head of broccoli. Just a raw head of broccoli. Good for you, good for you. And it would fill me up. It would fill me up. It was, when I tell you,

when I tell you what Dignity Falls was like back then. Oh. It was a hot pink and turquoise, lightning bolted dream. Right. Oh, you were in Little Miami? She really painted a picture. I guess, that's right. The two was in Little Miami.

Well, it was Little Miami Vice. It was inspired by the TV show. And there was a neighborhood, there was a little section of town that was called Little Miami Vice, where everyone dressed like they were on Miami Vice. That's right. And if you won the lottery every year,

you could play a drug dealer. They grew tons of broccoli over there. Yes. They did grow tons of broccoli. I don't know why. If it was out of the property line, you could just take it and eat it. Yeah, if it was like hanging over the fence.

If it was hanging, if the broccoli was hanging, that was for you. It does that a lot, a broccoli will hang. Broccoli will hang. Broccoli will hang, crazy lot of broccoli will hang. We'll just hang. Broccoli will hang. Broccoli will hang. Crazy man. Dog will hunt.

Well, Christine, you are, you are. You said dog will hunt. Dog will hunt. That's not an expression. I don't think that's an expression. That's it. I think it is. President Dr. Fu.

There's, there's, President Dr. Fu. There's that dog won't hunt. Oh, dog won't hunt. Oh. Yes. And there's also a hit dog will holler. Oh, well I don't like that. Have dog will travel. Every dog has his day.

You know what? A confused gerbil will bite. There we go. And are there any sayings about a raccoon? Oh, um, raccoons are mostly rabid. Okay. And a rabid raccoon will. That sounds like how you remember something. Raccoons are mostly rabid. That's right, there's an R-A in common. Now you'll never forget it.

Ever, ever, ever. So, well, I mean, I feel bad laughing when this raccoon is just laying at home alone, you know, just on his deathbed, essentially. But can I say something? That raccoon will be laughing when he sees us mortals struggling, trying to live our lives. Can I say? from the beyond?

From the beyond. That's good. That seems cruel. Like what a creature goes to the afterlife and then laughs at the people left living on Earth. But I really I feel I feel like I must say this. There's no way that raccoon is still alive, right? Oh, dear. He can't be dying. It's not like a person. Can I say something? Yes.

The will to live is something you must not bet against. It is not our place. Oh, there it goes. Yes, master. It is not our place. Well, that's what I learned from the Quran. So, oh, okay. It was in the intro.

Is it called the intro? Dear. Yeah. The reader's digest. It was. Yes. Oh, okay. I didn't know that they published the version of that. But anyhow, staying on topic, I still, I'm sort of confused as to what your relationship is with this raccoon. I also want to know, has this ever happened to you before? Because you have a pelt, sorry, what pelt did she have? Oh, the gerbils. Yes. Do you have any other pelts?

Do you have any other? Okay. Many. We didn't really talk about that. I have to be honest. When I walk down William Henry Harrison Street, I do it because I know that's where a lot of the squirrels, that's where their hub is. Oh, it's a squirrel hub.

Squirrel hub. Yes. And so, okay. You don't think your nephew's looking at that, do you? Yeah. I was gonna say. What I saw on his computer. Luckily I don't have access these days.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. He's happy. Well I know that there's a lot of squirrels there. My odds are pretty good that one of them will die. Some get run over. I'm not psyched about it, but I do have coats to make. I feel bad that right now your life is a speed walking and looking for near dead

animals. In what way? To explain it. I guess I just, I hear a yearning for the days gone by and I wonder if there's a way to sort of get you out of this very specific sort of tunnel vision of just the walking and just the pelts. Yes. Because- Ignoring your nephew who is just abusing your credit cards. Just robbing you clean. And I guess I think you're a lovely lady and I want you to be taken care of.

And you know, a lot of times I feel like we don't take care of our elders very well. And her nephew certainly isn't. In fact, he's taking advantage of you. And I'm not sure that the- Correct. We don't take care of our elders very well and that's true. If you certainly isn't in fact, he's taking advantage of you. And I'm not sure that that correct. And I just I mean, have you I know you said you haven't chosen a religion yet, but you know, can you volunteer somewhere? Is there bingo you could go play? I don't know.

What about at a veterinary hospital? Oh, that's a good idea. Well, unless you know, OK, I skin them. Yes, I knew that was coming. You know what? I shouldn't have brought that. No, probably not. I would love them. Don't go to the moment I do skin them? Yeah, see this, I knew that was coming. You know what? I shouldn't have brought that up. No, probably not. I would love them. Please don't go to.

Up until the moment I do skin them. Okay. Yeah, I don't think that's a thing they do there. Yeah. Huh. Well, every time I talk to a stranger, they hand me a number for elder abuse, so I suppose I could call that.

Please call the number. How many cards with the number on it? Oh my God. Oh wow. There's the, there's, this looks like a gigantic fold. I made a mess. So many scraps of paper, handwritten cards. I'm gonna call, I'll call.

Will you please call? Because you know what? I just sometimes, and I like to feel like we've, you know, found a solution for our guest or what have you, but I really wanna not worry about our guests. I wanna send you out of here knowing that you're gonna be okay. And right now out of here knowing that you're gonna be okay. And right now, I don't know that you're gonna be okay.

Well, no matter what happens at the end, when I see the light, I will see thousands of tiny paws reaching out to me and gathering me home. So you think you're gonna go to animal heaven? Oh. Or it's the ghosts of all the animals she skins. They're actually dragging her to a place.

Looking for revenge. No, no, no. That's what I'm scared about. They have a peaceful death. I hold their little tiny paws up at the end. Okay, okay. I hydrate them. Okay.

But imagine, I mean, just for a second, Christina, imagine somebody, you're at the end of your life and somebody is being very gentle and caring with you, holding your hand as you take your final breaths, and then as soon as you're dead, they rip your skin off. Your soul floats above your body and that's what you see. You see them clap their hands together and rub them. You know what I say, I say make it a vest.

Wow. Make it a vest. Oh wow, okay. Well, you heard it here everybody, she says make it a vest. Open offer to everyone. Well, Kristina. Not really heard it here everybody. She says, make it a best. Open offer to everyone. Well, Christina. Not really, not really everybody.

Of course, of course not really. Well, let's check with Christina. Okay. Yeah, sure. Sounds good. Oh dear. Christina, I hope that we have helped in some way. I don't know that we have.

I don't know, but as we always say, best of luck to you. Yes. You should call one of those numbers. You should call one of them. It's the same number. Yeah. Just pick anyone you pick. That makes it easier.

Call all those numbers. There's still a few in my pocket. Okay. Well. You're lovely and it was so nice to meet you. Please get help. God bless you all. And you as well.

Is this a door? Or this? Sure. All right. Bye now. We'll be back with the Neighborhood Listen when the Neighborhood Listen returns. Hi, this is David. I got a strange email to call a man named Jim to call him. I don't know him. All he said is he had security clearance. Has anyone else received this email from Jim with a number I call but no answer and the mailbox was full?

Any comments? Well, welcome back. Oh, fantastic. I went for it. I don't know if it was a moment. Oh, we were looking at each other. It was a real standoff. And you said well twice.

I should have said well come back is what I should have done. You count the well and welcome as saying it twice. Well, I thought I considered that sort of a fake out. Oh, I see. Well, psych. Welcome back. Well done. I just did.

I seized the moment. Now you're saying well. I seized the day. Oh, you did, Carpe. That damn. I sure did. I'm worried about her. Oh my God, she's in so much danger.

I hate it when I'm worried about our kids. No, she that nephew's bad news. I want that asshole of a nephew out of there. Why is Jacqueline Smith so mean? Seriously. I can't even give her credit for the group. I hate hearing stories about people that I enjoyed back in the day on shows being mean.

Never meet your heroes. Just hate it, absolutely. I don't know if Jacqueline saw those on my heroes, but you know what, I bet she has a line on QVC. She must. She must, doesn't that sound like it? She's definitely still alive. Should we Google it?

Sure. Oh no, Doug. Oh no, it's gonna take a vote. Gonna call Pearl. Okay, that actually hurts my ear, babe. That's really... Oh boy. It's printing out. This isn't Okay, that actually hurts my ear babe. That's really Hold on this is an old-school printer really the paper that you know, you had to tear the Okay. Okay. It says here, she's 78 years old. Okay. Okay.

All right. So Houston, Texas. Okay. Okay. We're just, we're just looking for the present tense. Awards, Hollywood Walk. No, no, no. Babe, we're good.

We're good. We're good. Thank you. Go back to doing whatever you were doing. It's a long receipt here. Okay. Receipt. It's a long receipt.

So it's just printed Wikipedia. It's a long receipt. It's a long receipt. It's a long receipt. It's a long receipt. It's a long receipt. It you. Go back to doing whatever you were doing. It's a long receipt here. Okay. Receipt. It's a long receipt. So it's just printed Wikipedia? Yeah, but sort of on a, almost like a pharmacy receipt. Oh boy.

Oh CVS, sure. Yeah, of course. Oh right. You have the shortest receipts. That's right. That's right. And don't forget it. That's right. Well, my goodness. If she's a Charlie's angel,

does that make the nephew like a Charlie's Cupid? How does that work? Doug, that's a terrific question, but I don't think so because- So are Cupid's angels children? Is that how it works? Well, they're little cherubs, right?

I guess they are, I guess. I thought Cupid was just one entity. And a man, I didn't know that he was a boy. Do you remember there was a TV show where Jeremy Piven played Cupid? Oh no. Yeah. Is Cupid a singular?

I don't want to remember that. There's just one Cupid. There's not like- So he's a modern day Cupid? When somebody- He's a matchmaker? Exactly. In Chicago?

Exactly. But I think he had actual like mythological powers. I think he was- No. What? Shooting an arrow? That's all he's got. Look, Joan, don't kill the messenger. No, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at television. Yeah. I think it was. Yeah. What? Shooting an arrow? That's all he's got. Look, Joan, don't kill the messenger. No, I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at television. Yeah. I'm just happy there's a word that rhymes with stupid. It's the only one. Is that true? Only one I've ever thought of. Ah, well you got me there, Doug. I can't think of one.

This is the kind of question that could hang us up for quite a long time. So we should probably move on. But yeah, I think she's in, This is the kind of question that could hang us up for quite a long time. So we should probably move on. But yeah, I think she's in, she's in real danger and that's too bad. But she also, there is a sort of creepy aspect to her as well. Well, I mean, I think that sometimes just older people get that, maybe that unfair assessment sometimes, but.

You heard where she skins all the animals, right? It makes mixed coats. She has a durable coat. I guess I'm just very worried about getting older and I'm me Becoming a strain. What'd you say babe? He's really hung up on the oozings that really resonated with out with you Do you know what that makes me think of remember Peter McNichol in the Ghostbusters 2? Absolutely. The Ghostbusters 2. Ghostbusters 2. That was an accident. Oh, John. And you know, there's that painting that is very similar to that horrifying piece of art

that was just revealed with Prince Charles. Oh yeah, that was, boy, that painting. That's all I can think of. Ooh, I would have taken that one personally if that was me that was that was horrified Yeah, but but after it's all over and things explode and of course the goo is on everybody His character says why am I bit of things with goo and it always delighted me. It was very funny I love funny. He was really funny in it. We should remember the name of the guy in the painting Viggo Mortenson Oh, you go. Well, that was the actor you mean. Yes character. Oh, I don't remember No, he would Viggo Mortenson. Oh. Viggo. Well, that was the actor. You mean the character.

Oh, I don't remember. No, Viggo Mortenson was not in that movie. He was, he was named Viggo. Oh, Michael York. Sorry, I thought you wanted the actor. But the character's name was Viggo, but not Viggo Mortenson. I see what's happening.

Isn't that weird? There's two Viggos that you could confuse them. That is weird. And for a minute I did think it was Vigo Mortenson who played this, yeah. But it was Michael York, right? He would have been too young, yes. Vigo the Carpathian.

Carpathian. Very good. I say Carpathian. Oh, that's called the whole thing off. This is gonna divide you two. No. Hey, there's two kinds of people in this world. People who say Carpathian, people say Carpathian.

Never the strange, show me. And then there are some people like this poster, who put, thank you. Joan, this was a great segue. Was it a good segue? I didn't know what was happening until it was happening. You really, so smooth. I've been really working on it,

as you all know, if you've been listening this season. So this is from Ava. And well, I'm just gonna say what it says. Oh, great. Well, I was thinking I wanted to do something other than that first, but I thought I would ruin the post. Okay, so there was some thought to what I said. This is very interesting.

What was the thing you were gonna say? You'll understand in a minute. Okay, all right. All right, there's just a picture of something. Right. And she says, unknown insect. Can anyone identify what the species? Oh, I don't like this already.

It is a dragonfly. It is unequivocally, most obviously, most easily. That is 100% a dragonfly. That is 100% a dragonfly. This is 100% a dragonfly. There's nothing else it could be. I usually don't go into the comments, but underneath everyone is just, you know what the comments read like

when Doug thought mistook what a hamster was and he showed me what he thought it was and it ended up being a guinea pig. Do you remember this? That is vaguely familiar to me. That is vaguely familiar to me. That's vaguely familiar to me. Because he started talking about their fur and how it gets matted and we realized,

oh, you're not talking about a hamster at all. You've mistaken a hamster for a guinea pig. So it's just wild to me. This is just, I might, this is one of the most recognizable insects out there. It's a famous insect. I mean, it recognizable insects out there. It's a famous insect. I mean, it's a famous insect. It's a famous insect.

We're not talking some obscure something or other. No. This is like posting a bee. It's like if you saw St. Bernard and you said, what's this? Anyone ever seen one of these? So now, if you must know, what I was gonna do is maybe say,

here's a picture of a dragonfly. And I was gonna say that's what it was But I think it's better the way I did it right now. I thought what you did was flawless Absolutely, no notes No notes great moving on Yes, and good luck to Ava And congratulations on your first day on planet Earth. You figured out how to use a camera. That's pretty impressive Hey, Bert. Yes, Doug

figure out how to use a camera. That's pretty impressive. Hey, Bert. Yes, Doug. Is this, you can't do that on television? Are we opening up our lockers? What's that? Oh my goodness. I mean, I know, I've never watched that show.

Well, that was a delightful Canadian show that Alanis Morissette was on. Oh, sure. And it was like teen sketch. It was like teen sketch comedy. And they would do this kind of like, almost like laughing for teens. And anyways, they had this thing where they literally were all in lockers and they'd open up.

Like school lockers. Yeah, like school, like the tall ones. And they'd open it up, they go, hey, Alanis. And she'd go, what's that? Carter or whatever his name was. Drake? Drake, oh boy. And they would just ask sort of like dumb jokes,

setups and punch lines. That's all it was. Sure, fun. That's what it sounded like. And so what, yeah sort of like, dumb jokes, setups and punch lines. That's all it was. Sure, fun. That's what it sounded like. And so yeah, when Doug said, hey Bert. And I said, yeah Doug. Yeah Doug, that was it. I mean, that was it.

I didn't have a joke. I was just gonna say after the show, wanna get out of here and cough at the AAA? Get some of those cone waters. Wow, you know what? It doesn't surprise me that that already sounds good to Doug. Doug, you're on. Let's do it. I've never been inside the brick and mortar AAA. I've only ever called them for roadside assistance. And by the way, they never

could help me because of the nitro burning funny car. They never had any. None of the tires. Yes, the tires were very specific. Big, big ones in the back, little tiny ones in the front. And they just had the ones in the middle. They never had any nitro? No, always fresh out. Useless. So yeah, I'd love to go there and get free water from them.

I haven't drugged out one of those cones in a long time. If you cut a little hole in the bottom, you can sort of shotgun it. Well. Do you ever do the thing some people do with ice cream cones where you bite the bottom of the ice cream cone? Yeah, I used to like that. When is the time you're supposed to do that?

Not at the beginning of the ice cream cone. Certainly not, at the very end. At the very end, okay. Yeah, at the end, and then it goes. Once you pass the horizon, the horizon line, I think. Oh, I know, I see what you mean. Once it's leveled. Once it's leveled. Once you've leveled, the horizon line, I think. Oh, I know what you mean. Once it's leveled. Once it's leveled.

Once you've leveled it to the cone floor. Well, gentlemen, I wish you a wonderful time. I'm gonna stay here. Okay. Do you want us to bring you back to Cone of Water? I'm gonna clean up all these numbers that Christina dropped. Yes. So many are still here.

So many. Oh, and look, this is a card that says chocolate cake. Oh boy, she'll be looking for that. I know. If you, again, if you would like to send us a post, please write to us at burntandjohnatgmail.com. And if you would like to get ad free versions of our episodes, as well as access to the bonus room,

our bonus episodes, go to cbbworld.com and sign up on the Maximist here and you'll get those goodies. Ooh, goodies. I regretted saying that as soon as I did. As soon as I heard the word coming out of my mouth. I thought it was fun. I hate the word goodies.

You do? Oh, I hate it. I hate it. You know there's a word I'm on the fence about. Why? Why do you hate it? I just, ugh, goodies. Wow. I don't know. He's Why, why do you hate it? I just, ah, goodies.

Wow. I don't know. It's really the face, he's just disgusted. A real visceral reaction from me. I can't stand it. Okay, I think I can see it. And you know what's a word that I can't decide if I like, and I think I might like it?

Refreshments. Really? Yes. That is a nice word. It's exactly what it says it is. It is refreshing to hear. Do you have pros and cons in your mind? Well, the pro is I picture little snacks that I might like,

like from when I was a kid. You know where I picture it? Wait, I thought it was only drinks. No, refreshments is all sorts of things. No, refreshments could definitely mean anything to say to your appetite, or what's your whistle? When I was a kid and I heard that word,

it made me think of those butter mints that you would get at a restaurant. Oh that's fun. Yeah. Yeah. How interesting. Oh, maybe because refresh mints. Because of the word.

Yeah. Exactly. Oh, that's adorable. So that because of that sound. And now when I hear it, I think of a very sorry spread that someone has put out where like you're at some meeting or something and they say, and afterwards there'll be refreshments. And then you know that's gonna be terrible. I thought you were saying after this will be goodies

and then you know it's gonna be. That's so cute you thought of mince. Cause yes, they used to have buttermints. And that was always, we were known, our restaurants were known for buttermints. Oh, absolutely. There was a strange restaurant that just left sushi. Yeah.

And that's what you grabbed on your way out. And a little wrapper. And it was warm. Yeah. It was body temp. Wrapped sushi. Body temp cellophane wrapped sushi. And then nobody would take it of course, and the smell was unbearable.

So terrible. And it was an Italian restaurant. It was an Italian restaurant. Why were they doing that? I don't know. They were spending money going to the sushi place to get these specially wrapped sushis. Weird. It's such a weird town. What a strange place this is. What a strange and wonderful place this is. And wonderful. And we thank you for listening.

Yes, thank you so much for listening. We adore all of you. I'm out of my mind. We adore all of you. I'm out of my mind. And we'll be back next week with our season finale. Oh my goodness. Already? Yes, I know. Time has flown. It really has.

But what a fun season it's been. Even with that huge break we took. Even with that huge break we took. So I could do my Southern Illinois tour of Hamlet. That's right. Oh Lord, what did I just do? And we do have to catch up with Herlit when we come back. There's some developments we'll do it. we'll do it on our season finale.

It's a great, it's a season finale recap. Yeah! Yeah! Alright, well until then, goodbye! And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins.

And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episodekins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Stephanie Courtney. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad free, as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers.

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