The Neighborhood Listen - Mysterious Plastic Balls with Alison Rich

Episode Date: June 9, 2026

Burnt's feud with a civil servant escalates, Joan gives an update on the twins' latest project, and Doug is on a rescue mission. Later, they welcome Ellen (Alison Rich), a retiree who's convinced a teen is up to no good.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock this episode and ALL seasons of The Neighborhood Listen ad-free, as well as full length exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app and us. Burn. And Jod. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell.

We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in. To the neighborhood listen. To the neighbor listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its many residents, two of whom are your humble hosts.

I'm one of those. My name is Burt Me a Payday. I am the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls, Dignity Falls Macy Pharmacy. I still think that's too long. But I am Joan Pedestrian. I am the top realtor here in Dignity Falls and the top local actress. And we had to delay the start of this recording because Burton had to point out something in my teeth. And I said to him, this is not a visual medium.

Is it better? Well, I have to look at you. Oh, my goodness. Babe, why are you laughing at that? Would you rather not know? It's an age old question, right? I don't think it is. I think the answer is you want to know.

For me, it is. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I don't want to know. One of the times you don't want to know. When I'm happy. When you're happy. I'm enjoying myself and having a good time. Don't ruin it.

You know, let me just look in the mirror later and go, oh, well. Has that, can you think of it in just when that happened? Do you know why I don't like it? Here's why I don't like it. Okay, okay. It's the same thing when people like, you got burnt. Oh, I shouldn't say burned to you. You got burned.

Like when people didn't put enough sunscreen on and they say it like a judgment, like, oh, you got burned. Well, that's too late. Of course. I mean, you know what I mean? That's not helpful. But it feels judgmental. It's like, well, okay, I have something in my tooth.

You have, you have something on your face. Do I? No, you don't. But I would tell you because you're the kind of person wants to know that. I just feel like it's judgmental. Yes, I think there's two kinds of people on this planet. the people who have to tell you that's something in their teeth

and the people who are like, they'll be okay. Is there a way? They're enjoying themselves. I'm not going to ruin their day. This is an interesting, interesting perspective. Is there a way to say it that you would feel not judged?

Yes, is if you would like just maybe. Tell me if you learn. That's my husband, of course. With his sarcastic husband comment. Hi, babe. How you doing? Hi, hi, babe. He's, oh, he's, uh, he's, uh,

I love this subject. You love this subject of how to not make me angry. We've found since I've entered paramedipause, which of course I'm rebranding as feminine overdrive. We have found that there are certain things I will tolerate and certain things I will not, especially even pronounce your words correctly because they don't come out of my mouth the same way anymore. And that's one of them.

That's one of them, I think. Okay. So is there a way that I could say it where you would not take it a way. as a judgment, like a tone I could use. Oh, you could be like, oh, Joe, I think my something, like you say quietly, like pull me aside. Don't say it in front of everybody. You know what I mean?

I didn't say it in front of anybody but you. We did. The mailman came and I was chatting with him and you said it in front of him. And I was really upsetting. I was like, we got to start recording. And then he was like, bye. And you were like, John, you got something in your teeth. Maybe if you had said it differently.

But you were like, John, you have something in your teeth. Well, why are you answering the door for the mailman? We're friends. You're not friends with your mailman? Oh my God, no, we're bitter enemy. No kidding. You know what happened? No, I love Janus.

Janice delivered July P. Oh, Janice is great. Yeah, that was wild. My man delivered my first child. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, we're just, you know, thick as thieves since then. Sure.

Why don't you like your mailman? What's the deal with him or her? Very progressive. It's just, I'm not trying to, I'm not, I'm not, I, I don't want to be accused of virtue sigilling. We do not virtue siggle on this podcast. His name is Lucian. Okay.

It's a bad start. One time he accidentally included a, it was not even important male. It was just clearly junk mail. Okay. But it was for our neighbors. The Shurs. The Shurs. Yes.

S-H-U-R-Z. And I, after he left, I got the mail just after he delivered it. So he's, he's, you know, moving on down the road. He's easy on down the road. That's right. And I saw, so I'm going through the mail immediately and I see that I got something for the shurs. And so I just, you know, walked outside and then dropped it in their mailbox.

Okay. This guy. he saw me. He watched me do the whole thing. Oh, oh, okay. And then he walked up to me. And he got real quiet. And he said,

what do you think you're doing? And I said, well, we accidentally got something for the Shurs. Can I stop you really good? Why do you keep on saying it that way? That's how they say. Do they require it? How do you know the Shurs, baby?

Oh, sorry, the Shurs. That's close. That is pretty close. Yeah. Yeah. You get the hang of it eventually. Why are they like this? And why do we indulge them?

That's the correct. This is another thing I'm not doing now. I'm not indulging people. Your name is Scher's. I'm going to say however you want. Why should I have to press one for English? Jones. You see?

I know. Now you're putting words in my mouth. It's a slippery slow. I also will not let anyone put words in my mouth or anywhere else. That is the correct pronunciation of their name. It is. Yes. Oh, okay.

I've never heard of that kind of thing. Okay. All right. Great. You can't use it in a sentence. Fine. So keep going. So he looks at you.

And he's like, what do you think you're doing? Yes. Barney. Barney, sure. All right. I can't. It's starting to do something to me that makes me feel like I'm going to have like a like a stroke. So I just don't want to hear it anymore.

Don't do that. Okay. So just try to tell us without saying that anymore. So after I deliver the mail, he gets, he gets up to me real close and real quiet. And he says, the fuck do you think you're doing. Oh, it's a change. At first he said, what do you think you're doing? And then he added that.

No, he said both. Oh, he said both. Okay. That's a swear word, but it didn't come from me, so it's allowed. He said, what do you think you're doing? I took a breath to tell him. He said, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Wow.

He didn't even let you get out a word. No. And I said, well, we got some mail for the sure. And so I was just delivering it to their house. And he goes, it's the mail. That's a felony. What you've done is a federal offense. And I'll let you go this time.

How is that possible? Because you were bringing them their mail, not taking their mail away. his position is that the fact that I handled their mail at all. He told me what you should have done was flagged me down. I would have taken it from you and delivered it to the proper recipient. Well, you fixed his problem. He's the one who made the mistake.

Joan, this is what I said. And what did he say? He said, stay in your lane. Well, okay, I can understand that. I can understand why. Then he got up his tippy toes. Oh, it's not over. And he said, I could be this tall.

if I want to. Oh, no. Oh, now that just makes me sad. That makes me sad for him if I want to. Oh, dear. And I said, okay, noted. And now ever since, he's just, he's been nothing but. He's just waiting for you to slip up again.

He's waiting for you to do something to make him angry. Yeah. Oh, that's an exhausting relationship. It's every day. If ever I see him, he says, delivered an email lately. Oh. Then he gets up on his tippy toes and says, Never forget.

Wow. Yeah. Never forget what? The threat that he could be that tall if he wanted to. If he wants to be, he could be that tall. Was it kind of like a pirouette? Like was it or? No, he wasn't on point.

He didn't spin. What do you mean? On releave, that's what it's called. On his toes. Like really on his toes. It's a French term. What's on point? That's also French.

But that means when you're, that when you're actually on ballet slippers, on point slippers. Okay. But if you just use your feet and you press with the ball of your foot, too, I'm showing him with my hand and he doesn't like it. Don't do that. Okay. Well, do you want me to show you with my foot?

Okay, here's my foot. No, no, no. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to one. Okay. One shouldn't do that. No, well, lots of people do it. Dancers do it.

Don't do it. When you, everyone does it, when you reach for something and you go up, right? When you just push into your balls of your feet, guess what? You're on releveret. That is what you are doing. Okay, so he's on releveret. He's not on point. That's correct.

when you're actually on your toes. Yeah, or correct in what you're saying. Yes, I understand the other meaning. So yes, it really means that you have to be on ballet point shoes. Unless there's some ballerinas out here who are going to come from me. Can you do it without shoes on? Some people can. It's crazy.

Some people can. Kate Winslet can. She does it in Titanic. Yes, she does. Remember that weird thing? That's right. She does that. She does.

And all the third class passengers are like, Harro! That's a point lass. Oh, I love the ballet. She's a gotta pass to relevades. There's some Italians in there. They cover the bases. Yeah. They did.

Everything from Irish to Italian. To rich closeted gays. So, babe, you're it correct. Oh, oh, babe, that terrified me. Doug, that's Doug our engineer. Jones husband. He's another room recording the show. Doug. What is that? It sounds very, very watery.

What is going on? He always records in a different room. So what room are you in? I'm in the, um, the aquatic center. The aquatic center. It sounds like rolling thunder. So what is this? Oh, you don't hear the liquid aspect of it? I don't. I only hear. There's a liquid aspect. I'm still, my heart rate is, what did you say, babe? He agreed that there's a liquid aspect.

It's, it's an aquarium, but it's kind of a biodome concept. Well, it sounds like it's breaking. It's an aquarium that's a biodome concept. So please explain that a little bit, babe. Are you, so you built basically an aquarium that you were in? Or is this like the thing where you do like a shark encounter at an aquarium where you go on a moving, you know, sort of walkway? And then you're under a tunnel, a glass tunnel of, is that what it is? Because he loves that stuff.

Yeah. So the whole thing is kind of a big globe. And there's- You say globe. Is it a globe or is it a tunnel? There's a tunnel through the globe. Okay. And in the globe is what?

Water, sea life. Okay, can you name the sea life? Is this legal? What are we doing? Yeah, I'm going around town, collecting eggs. Going around town. Collecting eggs. I'm sorry.

Fish eggs, frog eggs. First of all, we have a hatchery already where you collected a lot of eggs. And that became a mess. Do you not remember your hatchery, babe? You don't remember that. Doug, don't tell me. You can't remember that. hatchery.

Oh, yeah, I do remember the hatchery, but that was more, those were more land eggs. Okay, but what, okay. Are you, do you mean you're collecting fish eggs? Yeah. How?

That's very difficult. Great question. Thank you. Well, you go, I mean, there's very little water now in town. We have no water in town. So this is where I'm also wondering.

A water barren now. Yeah. There's a couple little water holes. Literally holes of water. They're just holes of water. Right. Basically what, you know, I mean, I think some people just actually spit in them. So I'm not sure that that's actual water.

Well, because there was that 23 and me push where they said, let's find out where everybody's from. Everybody just spit in the same hole. I was like, I don't think that's, you're going to be everything. But then they realize that, you know, they might be stealing your information. And so now people are creating their own holes to spit it. It's like, you can't have it. The ground can. And that it was a protest.

That's right. I remember those signs. Yes. Give it to the ground. DNA list. I didn't know what that one meant. So there's signs of life in there. I found a snail.

You found a snail. Snails are alive. Snails don't live in a biodome of water, babe. Snails live in water. They can, but it depends on what kind of snails. Did you find a garden snail or like a mollus? Did you find one of those ones that's just on the side of an aquarium? Yeah.

Like that kind? Oh, where they just stay there. Yeah. What's the point of those? They're gross. Who wants one in an aquarium? I know. Who wants just a wet mouth staring at them?

I'm sure they serve some function. Especially in a dentist's office. Why? Man, is they had something in their teeth? Actually, it makes sense to have a wet mouth in the dentist's office. I guess it does. Of all places. Okay, fine.

I'll give you that one. But, babe, what? At the supermarket, they sell fish eggs. There's like row. Caviar? Caviar. Yes. Row or caviar.

Yeah. that's too pricey for me. What's the difference between Roe and Caviar? I wish I knew. Now, this is not an on-point-rele-a situation for me. I'm not aware. I'm out of my depth. Is one before it's harvested where they're still viable and is one edible?

I don't like the idea of fish eggs. I think it's horrid. I think it's horrible. I don't even like the term fish egg is disgusting to me. Yes, it is disgusting. And the idea that it's a delicate. see, and I don't want to yuck anyone's yum. We don't do that here.

No. So I appreciate that culturally, that is wonderful for some people. It's not for me. We talked about this just recently. You know, Tom Hanks did like it in big. He spit it out. Yes, he did. And then he ate the tiny corn.

He's like, I got a milkshake or something. And he wiped his tongue with a napkin. That's what a 12-year-old boy would say. To watch the taste. All caviar is row, but not all row is caviar. Oh, one of these? Oh, this is it. Oh, no, I hate these.

You find yourself in a locked room. Oh, boy. What is it got in pockets is? Caviard refers specifically to salt-cured eggs from the sturgeon family. See, but I think that means prepared and ready to eat, right? Prettamage. You can eat Roe. You can.

Yeah. Well, I guess you could. I'm sure that's how people live back in the day. Rocky Balboa. I'm going to eat a glass of fish eggs. That would have been something. That's what they're supposed to do. Yeah.

If he cracked. I had three points and I forgot all of them. them. Okay. Let me just say that fish overall, they're pretty gross. I guess, yes. Yeah. Yeah. All the things connected to them. Connected to them gutting a fish. You know,

Doug grew up doing that. He loves it. It's not for me. Of course, the boys loved it. He loves it. Some people enjoy it. He took the boys out, started them fishing. The boys harvested spider eggs. Where would you guys? That's what they would eat. They would eat spider eggs? I don't like that. I think they were just

eating whoppers and telling me they were spider eggs. They would get that they would scrape the um they would scrape the chocolate off and it would kind of look like an egg. Okay so you didn't really Burner King Wobbers. Wait what? I thought you meant Burger King Woppers.

Nobody what would a Wobber look like a spider eggs. Well, all the boys sometimes take big swings. Boy, that's true. Yeah. We're talking of course about my twin boys. Matt and. Chach, cha, cha, cha, charles. Charles

Well, you know what When I gave breads, everyone knows I had twins But when I gave birth As everyone knows To my boys, I thought it was just a boy And Matt came out first And an entire 24 hours later

I was like something's wrong Yeah And they put me, They gave me an epidural Which sometimes can make you If you don't know It can make you shiver Right

And so they said What do you want to name him But I'm telling you It was really hard So I'm surprised There were only that many Chuchuchuchas in it Because I was really

I was shaking all over the place. Very, very chilly. Maybe they just headed you off at the past. They're like, I think I saw what she's going on. You probably did. You go in for Charles. So yeah, I'm sorry, but you were talking about how you love gutting a fish. You love it. I love it.

It connects you to nature. That's what he always says. Yeah, you can really pretend, you know, you're like a hominid. He loves to pretend he's a hominid. So you don't use a knife? Oh, babe. You can use a sharp rock. There you go.

you go. You kind of take a rock and you hit it against another rock, form a blade. I rarely ever do that. It sounds time-consuming. Well, it was, you know, back in the day, of course. You know, we lived like animals. The speaking of animals, can you explain more what the animals in this biodome aquarium are going to be?

Well, you know, there's a preservation sort of research project in town to preserve some of the unique species we had. We do have so many species. Yeah, there's like the furry lobsters. We have furry lobsters. They are, they're not good to eat. They're not good to eat. They're furry on the inside.

They look normal on the outside. Yeah. They do have sort of. Yeah, the furs on the inside. There is sort of a goatee on them. Yeah, that's true. Otherwise not really furry. That's why they're kind of like the mascot of the town.

We sell bumper stickers and magnets and everything with a lobster with a little goatee. People started putting Walter White Hats on them. So, you know, I'm trying to do my part. Okay. That's very normal, though. Collect all the different, you know, unique species. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Have a beautiful biodome. I'm glad to hear this because I thought for a second you were trying to recreate Fathom the underwater city from Bioshop the video game. Oh, that's right. Forget you're such a gamer. I do not know video games. I'm such a gamer. You are.

You love it. And it's just that I reference, you know, one game from 20 years ago and one game from five years ago. I'm such a gamer. I think you've mentioned it a little more than that, Burt. I do. You've talked about Red Dead Redemption multiple times. That's the one from a few years ago.

And when we talked about Portal, we talked about that one. That's right. We did talk about Portal. I don't know if I had a lot of Portal knowledge. Okay. Joan really takes notes of all the video games. Well, I listen to the episodes. You guys never, you never do, burnt.

I listen to them constantly. I will never listen to them. Because I'm just trying to always do, I'm trying to get better every time. Maybe that's just because I'm an actor. I'm still not sure where you find them. Like, how do you listen to? of this show. What do you mean, babe? It's available where you get all podcasts. You didn't know that? Where is that? You never...

You can use it in many... You can find... You've never done a cursory search to find out where a podcast? Search on what? You've never even Googled our podcast? Search on what? Your phone, babe. Your phone. It's a phone thing? You wouldn't understand. Clearly. Still have no answer as to what. So what? You're trying to revive the furry lobster. You're bringing the furry lobster into our home. Yes. They're a very... The upright...

Frog. The upright. Oh, I don't like those guys. Well, people liked it because, you know, he was like,

beside, he wasn't singing, but he does stand upright. There wasn't just one. There was not just one. They walked like Grogu. Yeah. I like it.

I've never seen Grogu walk. You've never seen Grogu walk? He's always in that floating thing. No, every once in a while he walks. It's adorable. How does he walk? Well,

I'll show you. Okay, thank you. He's getting up. What he does. He's going to show me. Yeah. Grogu,

he has to walk by, angling his whole body with the foot that he is using. So kind of like he's a cowboy in an old-fashioned standoff. Not unlike that. Yes. Like when Kermit would do it. Yes. Okay.

So he walks like this. Yes, exactly. He's just swiveling his body back and forth. That's very adorable. And it's crude, but effective. Yes. And hilarious when you see a bunch of frogs do it. A bunch.

I don't like it though. It looks like they're making fun of us. Can we discuss Gabby? Yes. Okay. Gabby is home. Good. And I have wonderful news. Great.

The incident, part two, has been successfully averted. Is it officially being called that? Yes. And are we never allowed to talk about this one either? I don't know anything about the second one. I mean, I know a little bit of the first one. Is that what they're saying now?

It didn't happen. The second one didn't happen. That's what he just said. We were successfully averted it. Okay. Yes. I see. The first one did happen.

It's not that we're not allowed to talk about. People just don't. Okay. I've always felt like we're not allowed to talk about it. Well, it's very unpleasant. I feel like someday we're going to have to address it on this podcast because just to keep talking about it, everyone's just going to wonder. Or they'll stop caring. I can't imagine people are interested. But, yes, there are going to be some repercussions, some minor repercussions that are not going to affect people day to day.

But there will be some things that happen sometimes. Reprocussions from the averting process? Yes. That's what I took it to me, babe. Yes. So what are those going to be? Oh, no. What?

Sometimes. Okay. Tell me. Sometimes things will taste weird. What? Oh, no. Like what? Just stuff you don't even like that much anyway.

How do you know? What is it? I like a lot of things. Raw carrots. Oh, those are one of my favorites. You might like them better. Oh, they're going to taste better? In my mind, anything would be an improvement.

I didn't realize you hated carrots so much. Who? What's the point? Don't say who I do. I love them. I love them. Escro loves them. You'll just eat one like Bugs Bunny.

Absolutely. It's fun. How many times do you bite into something that makes a great sound? That's from the ground. Four or five times a day. Oh, from the ground? Yes. Not processed.

Exactly. Exactly. Thank you. Onion. Onion. It makes a pretty good sound. with onion. Babe,

I'm so very concerned about the construction of this. You sound like the sure's. Oh, no. How long have we been talking? Speaking of which.

Yeah. Are you under? You're in the water right now? I'm so confused. Well, I got to dive a little bit. Your recording equipment is underwater?

Yeah. I love how he says it just so normally. How do you sound like you're not underwater? Oh, just saran wrap? Well, my heads up of water now. That's certainly going to be. Water's going to find a way in somehow. 22 minutes.

That's perfect. Always stop at 22 or 23. It is crazy how it's always exactly that. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's how long it takes for us to stop? Just run out of anything. Just get irritated listening to each other.

Yes. When we cannot bear to hear each other's voices. Just begging to hear somebody else. Please make it stop. We'll be back with more neighbor listen when the neighbor listen returns. Hi, everybody. It's Nicole. And Paul, are you here?

I am here. Oh. great. And I have a question for you, Nicole. What is it? I'm here too. Oh, hey. Okay. Okay. No one was doubting that. Well, we'll go around the room. Okay. Yeah. First, I would like to talk about summer. Is that okay? Yeah, but I have a question for you that's related. Oh, great, good. What does summer always make you rethink? Oh, okay. It always makes me rethink what I'm reaching for every day, meaning in my clothing, lighter fabrics, better materials, pieces that just feel good in the moment. You put them on and look effortless. And that's why I keep going back to Quince because they focus on. That answers my second question. Oh, right. Okay. Go ahead. Ask. Ask. Ask Brett the second question.

No, my second question for you was, is that why you keep coming back to Quince? Oh, and yes, it is. Okay. Because they focus on high quality essentialables,

ascensibles. Oh, I'm hungry now. I love an essential. Let's get through this ad, then we can all have some essentials. Essentials for the table? Yes.

Okay, great. Let's be bad today. We'll get essentials for the table. We get essentials for the table. I like combining all the essentials together. Me too. Me too.

And essential suicide? Yeah. And I also love breathable linen, and soft organic cotton, washable silk. But without the luxury markup, it is that rare balance where everything feels elevated but still easy. And here's the thing.

Quince has beautiful everyday pieces like 100% European linen pants, dresses, and tops with style starting at $32. That's low for clothes. It's low for clothes. Their denim is soft and easy to wear and their organic cotton sweaters

are perfect for layering on cool semi-nights. Everything on Quince has priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That sounds good. does. And Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middle men, the most despised class of man. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing, Paul. Quince has really become a destination for elevated essentials across home kitchen, bedding, and beyond, making it easy to bring a more premium feel into everyday life. Now let me tell you

something. Please. I went to Quince recently because I'm going on tour. Brad, I'm talking to you too. He almost, he called you Doug. He almost called you Doug. That was a close one. Yeah. Because we're sitting in the same position. We sure are. We sure are. They found us out. So I'm going out on tour. Brett and I are going out together.

On tour, on tour. And I'm not steady. And I went to Quince. I got myself a casual linen suit to wear for travel. Oh, cool. So I can look stylish. You know what?

I always admire people who are tempted. They made an attempt to look stylish for travel. You know who else likes it? Who? flight attendants. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Well, thanks to Quince, you're going to get a compliment.

Thanks, Quince. Thanks, Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to Quince. Oh, wait, hang on. Doug, Brett. What did you want to say? Doug Brett.

What did I want to say? Well, we interrupted you. I actually didn't say anything, but I will say that they have rugs. They have great rugs. Oh, okay. Everybody, they have great rugs. There you go. Yeah.

I got like a white button-down shirt recently from Quince. As a rug? Yes. Yes. You're a strange guy. Well, here, here's the deal. Here's the deal. Everything that they make can be used as many different things.

So elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash T&L for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada to you guys. Congrats. That's Q-U-I-N-C-C-E dot com slash T-N-L for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash T-N-L. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett.

No, no, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. All good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's Our Podcasts here on HeadGum? This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online.

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Hey, everybody. This is Ari bag, $3, like new. Just look at it. Almost looks like it's smiling at you. Almost looks like a pair of underwear sitting on the ground. I made sure to put it on the most busy background I have in my home so it would stand out. Come get this bag, $3 like new. Welcome back to the neighborhood.

Listen, Joan. We have a guest. As we do every week, we scour the neighbor have the social networking application for neighborhoods. And we look for interesting neighbors to talk to, people that have a story to tell, people that want some answers and everything in between. That's right. Well done. Thank you. And this week is no different.

We have a post sent in from a listener. Thank you. If you see a post that you think we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it? Send it to us. Byron and Joe. When you're going to come? You okay? Yes, I am.

Okay. I was trying to sound casual. Thank you to Carrie Gallo, listener Carrie Gallo for alerting us to this one. This is a post in the crime and safety section. It is attributed merely to neighbor. Oh, okay. Sometimes people go anon on the neighbor hat.

Neighbor writes, A skinny male teen wearing a purple beanie of sort and black trousers has been leaving a bottle of these plastic balls beside a little free library two days in a row. Sunday around 15. and Monday around 1210. These are hazardous to kids who may take it. If you are a parent of this person,

please ask him to stop leaving them at the LFL. At the where? The LFL, a little free library. Oh, got it. And in the photo, there is a, it's a plastic bottle, simply organic. Do you see that on the label? Oh, yeah.

And then there's, there are these weird, multi-colored little plastic balls. They sort of run in the spectrum like a sort of, you know, almost pastel-y but not- Miami-Vice sort of spectrum. Kind of jewel-tony. Yeah. Yeah, blue is in pinks.

Turquoise, I see in there. I feel like I've seen them before, but I want to get to our guest and see what they tell us. Yes, and then there's a photo of what I think is a human being. Oh, my goodness. But it's sort of, there is a sort of cryptic. Yeah, cryptid. Almost looks like the person is trying to look like the bottle in the photo.

So, wow. We're happy to welcome this neighbor to the neighborhood list. Neighbor, please introduce yourself. Hi, I'm Ellen Smellon. Hi, Ellen. Smell, that's a fun name. Thanks. I didn't, I'm not a fun person, so it doesn't really fit.

Oh. Oh, my goodness. My parents, the smellings, I thought they were going to be funny naming me, Ellen, and it's just been kind of a plague on my entire. Oh, no. Like, I don't like to lead with fun. Oh. And it really misleads people.

Sure. So people hear your name and they think, well, this gal's got to be a riot. This lady's a jokester. No, I don't, I don't even really understand most humor. Oh, gosh, that's tough. It's good to know about yourself. Yeah. Have you ever thought about changing your name to something less whimsical?

It's too many for. Oh, you know what? That is so true. I did. I thought about it. Then you have to go to the DMV and then you have to go to the State Department. And it's just I'm not. I just, I stay home.

And then here you have to go to the council as well. Oh, yes, you do. You have to go to the Digny Falls Council if you want to change your last thing. Yeah, not the City Council. The Digny Falls Council. Yeah. But I want to know really quickly, you are, I want you to tell me what you think those balls are. Great question.

I think they're traffic. Traffic O-Zempic. Traffic. I think if you'll notice from the beginning of my post, it says a skinny male teen. All the teens are getting so skinny. And I think Ozempic's the new party drug. And I think they're leaving them in little fun colors. You know how what was those Clorox bleach balls or something?

Oh, yeah. The tide pods. Tide pods. I thought they were a Clorox bleach balls. Well, I think they probably. bleach balls. All the kids were putting them in their mouth to make their teeth. Oh, dear.

I mean, I think they'd be dead, I think. That's not what I heard. I heard the kids would tromp on the bleach balls have bright white teeth and make out. Oh, no. It's like when in that movie's super bad, it was supposed to just be like, okay, cool, that they just emptied a tied bottle and poured beer in it and everyone drank it. And everyone was fine. That always bothered me.

I don't remember. You don't? It's wild. They run out of every possible way to get a liquor to the party, except for just emptying a tie. They don't rinse it out. You know they're not because they're boys. You can tell they don't.

Have you guys watched the new episode of Euphoria? I haven't. Because I have not. I came out last night on HBO and in the first episode, Roo is trafficking drugs. Okay. It looks like this, but it's white and the balls are bigger. Oh.

Right. But I think they're having to traffic smaller balls because everyone's so skinny now. I see. Buttholes are too tiny to have a full, you know, so it all, everything I'm saying, how does that make sense? Oseptic affected the size of your butthole. Yeah. Oh, Othetic is so powerful.

It makes everything skinny. Wow. Wow. It's smaller. Oh, boy. As a pharmacist, and I've filled a few prescriptions for GLPs. Sure. I feel like the pill form is still a ways off.

It's just now coming on the market, but it's not, it's a little different. but it's not, I haven't seen little squishy balls of it. I don't think. No, I'm pretty sure that the balls, they're like a gelatin, and then you put it in some sort of injection situation. These aren't pills. These are balls of gelatine that people are loading into some sort of like a diabetes like injector to the thigh.

I don't know. I'm not on them. So I don't know. Calm down. We're not accusing you of anything. I don't know. It's okay. It's okay.

Sit back down. Sit down. Okay. Okay. Let me say this. You see, you are, you are sort of connecting these dots and you're filling in blanks for yourself. I don't think it's a straight line. It's a straight line.

A solid line, not even a dashed line. But you haven't seen anyone doing this. You've just seen these balls in a simply organic bottle. Well, I keep watch these very specific military times, 1545. Yes. Thank you for bringing that up. That was an incredibly specific window. Well, I'm a veteran.

Oh, thank you for service. Yep, yeah. Wait, where did you serve? Which branch? I served in the mail carrying part of the army. I would deliver everybody their packages. I have been shot at. Oh, wow.

Where were you stationed? Where'd that happen? Where'd you see action? Kansas. And people shot at you in Kansas for delivering army mail. Well, no, I was in a fight with someone and someone shot on me, but I was on duty. I was in a fight with my ex-husband. He shot at me while I was.

carrying the mail. Oh, okay. To the officers. Okay. And, yeah, that's why one of my butt cheeks is a little deflated. Thank you for your service. I did not. Babe, you're a little behind.

He's thanking you for your service. That's my husband. You can't see him, but you can hear him. Yeah. Does anything else you want to say, babe? No, you said I was a little behind, so. Do you nag your husband a lot? That doesn't.

That's why me and my husband got divorced. He felt overly criticized. Oh, dear. Well, we're, okay. Do you feel that you criticize? him along? I think I just said it how it was. What were some of the criticism you would like to love to? I'd say you're unattractive.

Oh boy. That might even go beyond criticism. But that's, but it's facts. It does go beyond. Oh, that's not what I meant. But a criticism I think at its core is supposed to be something that you could improve upon. Can change. People can make themselves hot. Our kids are doing

a thing. What do you think they're doing it for? Because you know what? She has a point. I always have a point. You never see my points coming. Now that I believe. Locked and. Can I ask you this question? Have you seen anybody approach this bottle and take anything out of it? Well, no, no, no, after.

Right. I keep very particular hours, so I'm asleep probably at the times when they're going to be taken them. Well, what was the last time you looked? Was it still there? Was it still full? 1545. Okay, was it still there?

Was it still full? And why did you put the later time first? What I'm saying? It says 1545 to 12. 45, which for you freaking plebeants would mean what? 2.45? I do apologize. It's two separate days.

That's why. So it's Sunday at 1545, Monday around 12. Sorry about that. That's on us. Monday around 12. Around. But what I want to know is the left. Are you okay?

Had a little something in my throat. Oh, okay. All right. Do you need some more? Are you okay? I handled it. Oh, okay. Good for you.

So I want to know the last time you looked, had that bottle moved, had there been any person, like does it look like any balls have been taken out? I mean, it's very little balls. some could get mood and it would take a while for me. I think they're snorting a little bits of Zempic balls at a time. So now they're snorting them. So they're not. There's all sorts.

It's like heroin. You can do them any manner away. I'm just going to say this. I don't know much about trafficking. I don't know much about dealing drugs. But what I do know is that it's usually done pretty surptitiously and it's not just drugs out in just right out in the open. Usually it's done in a way that you can't even see them in a way that they're concealed.

Well, and you want to make sure you get money. That as well. teens like to do also. I mean, remember, there's the New York Times article once about how teens are wearing bracelets to say what sex acts they're doing. You know, like little... Oh, is that right?

I thought they were just French in bracelets for Taylor Swift. No, no, no. They're going. If you wear a purple one, it means you do blow jobs. Oh, yes, I remember. You know, the rainbow parties? The rainbow parties.

Oh, boy. Yeah, so we don't begin to know what the teens are doing with their little signals. Well, that's true. The bright colors. I think that turned out to be largely untrue. I mean, I hope. Have you ever read that book O.S. Gales?

Yes, I have read that book. And that is true. They make us, they make us read it in Pharmacological College. They do. How come? It's to deal with hysterical parents. I see. Okay. Who come in, because you wouldn't believe how many parents come into the pharmacy and say, did you prescribe my child speed? Oh, goodness. And I, I have to say, first of all, I don't prescribe anything. Secondly, tell me who your child is. We'll see if they have a prescription here. That would have actually been your responsibility as a parent. Yes. And then they usually just sputter off. See, I didn't read that book because I was just, I mean, July P was fine. I had no problem with her, but I had a problem with the boys. So someone recommended me, please ask Alan.

And that was telling someone to go communicate with your boys. Because if you don't ask them questions and if you don't keep on them, they will just, they'll bring out down. They're all just whatever, mugging and looks maxing. That's right. Oh, please don't mention that. I'm waiting for the twins to find out about that. Gooning. It's goooing.

It's mogging. It's maxing, yes. And which is the one where you make your, where this part of your, you know, you can, you put the tongue on the roof of your mouth. Mewing. That's all the muleing. Not muleing. That's what a cat does.

Mewing. That's right. You go like this, you go. And it's supposed to make, I'm doing it. See how like my neck changes? Is it, is it for aesthetics to make you... Yeah, it's just,

it's, we're supposed to just walk around like that just so that you have a better neck. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Oh God, not him. Well, again, once the twins hit the looks maxing phase, which I feel like they're, I don't want, don't say that name around this house

because they're going to look it up and then they're going to be very into it. I'm sorry. I don't want to take the time away from Ellen. Can you tell me, you said you stay home all the time. Do you have a job? Do you live alone? I'm retired.

From? And I have. from Army mail? I know you're in the Army, but did you not do any other job? Oh, my goodness. Wow. Her eyes just made a full circle in her sockets. Never seen an eye roll that severe.

They went a full 360. That was she. What do I do? What were all my years of service delivering mail and getting shot at for it? If the civilians aren't even, you know, to be fair, your husband shot at you. Yeah. Oh, tell that. Because you said he was unattracted.

Left ass. Okay. I'm not going to do you. That's why I'm kind of sitting like this. I understand. Yeah, a divot there. Did you then leave Kansas because of this and come here? What brought you here?

What brought me here? Or were you just stationed in Kansas? I'm sorry, I'm making assumptions and I apologize. Left and right, you are. I sure am. Relax. And I don't mean to rub that in because I have my left on my right to. I always had a plan to retire to Dignity Falls.

I saw it in a calendar once and I said, I'll go there. You know? What was this calendar? It was a. You know, one of those, those year-long calendars every month? Sure. Usually that way. Yes.

Usually year-long. Every month had a different pastoral scene in November was Dignity Falls. We made a calendar. We did. That's exciting. Yeah. It's in, it's, someone has one of the originals of it. It's my friend Beverly.

She has it. And they were really trying to get a lot of tourism going through. And what's crazy is it was mostly all of our water features, which is sad because they're, they're not, they're not around anymore. Yeah. But, yes, we did get a little bit of an influx of. residents from that time. The tourism now, the slogan here is, uh, why don't you, why don't you come and find it? It's like there's a question of, you know, on the top of the posters,

what's so great about dignity falls? And then at the bottom it says, why don't you come and find it? Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty aggressive. And I was like, I'll take that challenge. It works on a lot of people. And so how have you found it? But how do you like it? Well, I think the falls themselves are underwhelming. Well, yeah, they're almost not existing at this point. Yeah, yeah. But other than that, I mean, I'm, I really care about the community and I'm caring about the teens. I think they're getting too skinny and hot.

I'm attracted to some of them. Oh, dear. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of that. No, I don't think you should be. But I'm, but we have to speak the truth. Otherwise, we don't deal with these things. I suppose it's true in some ways. Do you have children of your own? Mm-mm. Yeah, okay.

And when my ex shot at me You keep saying shot at me But he shot you Yeah, he did He did get you in the I don't think the preposition hurts the communication Well the at makes it seem as if you got away But you did not, you were shot

But you have to get shot at to be shot This is also true Boy, that's true I do think that it's an important distinction though Okay well I was shot in my left buttock And it went it went through my youth uterus. Oh, no.

Hit my right ovary and the left one was already bad, so no children for me. Oh, I see. Sounds like one magic bullet. Sorry. Burns. Depends on who you are. Be sensitive. So what's the fallout of that other than what happened to you medics?

I understand. Okay, I said that wrong. What I meant was, did you, okay, all right. What I meant was, did you take him to court? Did you press charges? No. Really? Why not?

Because it's, I, I, you know, Now, I know I wasn't the easiest woman to be married to. And it's just, what is it going to do to rehab? I already got shot out. He's not going to unshot, shoot at me or whatever preposition jail. You're going to put me in for saying it wrong. Preposition jail. And, you know, he just, he had to get it out of his system.

It got out of his system. And now we're pretty good. We're roommates. Wait, he's, he's, he's, he's, you don't live alone. You live with him. I never said I lived alone. Right. No, you didn't.

You did not. You answered the first part of the question, not the second. That's on me. Yeah. What's his name again? Did you say that? No. Jellen? Jellin.

Short for magellan. Magellan. Oh, that's quite a grand name. Wasn't there some ridiculous commercial about like a hair pod? It was like, I'm jelling. Yeah. Oh, dude. It was for joling.

That's right. I just realized it wasn't for arshould. That's right. Someone even dared to say I'm jellin like magellan, if I remember. Because they ran out of him. Probably. His name is J-E-L-I-I-N. Wow.

And what's his last name? He's smelling. He took mine. Oh, that's nice. Yours. That's so crazy because you think that you take his because you hate your name. Yeah, but he's a violent feminist. He's just... A violent? I don't know that I leave those two words together. I don't mean violent in the sense of violence. Except for the one time he shot me. I mean, he's really committed.

A hardcore. Hardcore. Let's say that then, a committed feminist. I think I like that better than a violent feminist. Is that why you say shot at rather than just shot me? Yeah. It could be. Yeah. Wow, you guys are really policing my language. Oh, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I do apologize. We don't mean to make you sound. That's not an apology when you say.

I'm sorry that you feel that way. Oh, that's not really taking. You got me. You got me. Thank you. I'm taking that in. I think you got yourself. All right, burnt.

Let me ask you this, Ellen. When he, so he, the teen twice put these, uh, the ozempic balls. Okay. Allegedly. Ozempic balls. The first time, did anyone take the bottle? Didn't take the bottle. The bottle remain.

No, you asked if they took the balls in the bottle. Well, or if it had been moved at all. I'm not. Okay, sit down. Language police police themselves. Please sit down. I know that maybe you, because of your condition, you have to stand up and sit down a lot. But it seems like, oh, wow.

She's just kind of breathing like Sigourney Weaver and Ghostbusters. I just got really riled up because I hate when I feel missing. understand. We're trying to understand. We're trying to understand. The bottle didn't move. Okay. But I,

there could have been a layer of the balls that were snorted or consumed in some fashion and then the kids put the lid back out. I don't know that any balls weren't taken. So you think the kids were operating on the honor system with these drugs where they were saying, I think they're skimming a couple. He leaves them for the teens to come at their own schedule and just snort them as they will to get their little skinny fix.

So from, From Sunday to Monday, as of Monday, there were two bottles in there. Huh? I think there's just one. Let's go back to the text. The sacred text. That's what I always do as an actor. The text is very important.

The text is sacred. So Sunday, he left a bottle around 1545. Uh-huh. Monday, he did it again at 12.10. I did write that. Yeah, you did. So are there two, the last time you checked, were there two bottles or one? I would say there's two.

Okay, so I might suggest... You seem hazy on these details. Yeah. I've been clear for the whole time. Well... May I say that right now, you seem a little hazy? You're projecting. Well, the way you...

Now, come up. Now, Alan. Let me take a different line of... You're accusing me of projection? All right, let's not. Let's not argue with our guest. I just want to say that if we... Again, I know very little about drugs. But I do know that people generally don't do them out in the open if it's not legal and it usually wants to be done.

Virgin, what? People do, look around. Did she just call me a virgin? People don't do drugs out in the open? Yes, I freaking do. Have you ever been to a party? Have you ever been to a CD part of town? But a party, the party's different.

A party is different. Have you ever been to a CD part of town? Yes, but not in a quiet neighborhood in broad daylight or even at night. Speaking as a chat, I can tell you that, of course people do drugs in the open, but we have not established that these are drugs. And I also have to under-

That was my point. Okay, John, well, I'm trying to help. I want your son. Well, I'm very upset about being called a virgin. Very upset. I'm sowing discord between the two of you. It's working. Marvel.

Normally, I like compliments that make me sound young and feel young, but not this one. No, you're proud of the sex you've had. Sure am. You're sex positive. You're sex positive. No answer. The idea that Ozempic is a party drug. Yeah.

How is it, how does it function? as a party drug. Yeah, because usually it takes a while to sort of start working for your system. And also, all it does is make you not want to eat. So what makes them where's the euphoria in that? Well, it makes you shit and barf. And have you ever taken it? That's also not

sexy. Have you ever? I don't know about you, but some of my best times have been after a good number two. Oh, I can't. I can't say that. I consider it a euphoric experience. Okay. Have you ever

consider trying ozempic because I'm wondering if that's maybe what this is about. Do you wish you could try it? No, I have an exceptional body. I'm not saying that you don't. I'm just saying a lot of people are they're ozempic curious and maybe they're also a little ozempic judgmental and perhaps some of that is what's going on here right now. No, it's just I think people who do it are cheaters. Right. There's the judgment. No, no, no, it's not judgment. It's facts. Oh, I'm not sure that that's fair. I'm not sure that's fair. There's people who tried all sorts of things to lose weight. And then this also really helps them some people. They're finding all sorts of health benefits from it. Now listen, we don't know everything about it. But if you're curious about it, there's nothing wrong with you trying it. It's the same way

I feel about birth control. If you're doing it, you're cheating. In what way? Yeah, you're stopping the body's natural ovulation and then and then you're having sex consequence free. No fair. No fair. Yeah. So did you and your husband practice? practice any form of birth control? Well, you couldn't have. Before the accident. Before the accident. Yes.

No. Because we would have had a baby when we weren't, when we didn't want to, and then he shot me, so I couldn't. I mean, there's many ways you can go back. And she called me virgin. Again, I think an accusation is a truth. I think that's what's happening. So you're calling yourself a virgin?

No. You said that I was a virgin. She's saying every accusation is an admission. Sorry, that's what I meant to say. Let me ask you this. I'm going to ask you this. Point. I've never asked truth. Well, sort of in a way.

Doug, that's not helping. But I'm glad you came up for air. It's a funny foible. We're struggling here, Doug. We're fighting for our lives here. I can hear that. She's like playing tennis with you too. You know, it's like doubles against a single.

Okay. You trying to do like a 4D, 4D chess situation? Is that what you're trying to do that? Yeah, you. No, I said tennis. I know. Let me ask you this. I've never asked to guess this on the show before.

Oh, wow. Okay. Are you a virgin? Oh, that is true. You never asked that. Define virgin. Someone who has never had penetrative sex. You actually finally get to use it properly.

Properly. I've always used it properly. Appropriately. Sam. Wait, what? What? Yes. You are a virgin.

She is. Okay. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no crying. No, Ellen. No, it's okay. There's no crying.

It's okay. There's no crying. Are you crying? Oh, Berg. Don't, don't. There's no crying. Take your baseball cap off. I just feel like I've missed out on this, you know, a universal human experience.

You have. No, bird, it's not too late. It's not too late. It's never too late. It's not too late. No, because when the bullet went through my butt and then to my over it, ricocheted back and it closed up the hole. No, it did. No, it didn't.

Wait a minute. It did. This is medically confusing. Just the one hole? My urethro works. Great. That's a relief. But the vaginal canal has been shut down.

Oh, no. I don't, I mean, I feel bad making you describe something so personal. Yeah, I don't understand how it's close. Exactly. You mean in like the surgery to save you? No, no. I mean that our lower system is engineered such that it's all to depending on each other.

So if you knock out an ovary, then this beam falls and this and this and this. This is feeling very 9-11 in the conspiracy. There was a 9-11 in my reproductive system. Lead, bullets, can't cauterize. Polopean tubes. I'm not saying right. That's right.

I'm saying it all collapse. It just fell down. It collapsed. It just fell down. You're describing like a demolition of a building. That is just, that is a town. It's not able to build.

new life. Now, if I know, and I don't mean to bring this part up to rub that in, but when a woman gives birth, if she gives birth naturally, all sorts of things happen to that. That it was designed to do, you weren't designed to get shot in there. That is true. That's true, we were not designed to get shot in anyway. But it wasn't true. It wasn't anywhere near that it was your, you know, it was above. But, yes. The ovary is not far from a vaginal canal. I don't understand what color.

lapsed. When he shot me, I was like, ah! She was doing a little circling a tight move. Yes, but that's what she's saying. Went all left and right. Went all left and right.

It changes momentum as soon as it entered your body. I'm horrified. I also don't want to offend anybody. I'm sorry to make you talk about this, but I only have more questions about it. Have you consulted? I've never heard of this. Have you?

It was weight bearing. I don't think I'm sorry. It was way bearing. God. I don't think is nice to load bearing weight bearing. Never heard weight bearing? Is it just a single beam that you needed, the one wall? That's not how it's shaped.

Do people not understand the female anatomy? What is going on here? Didn't you not hear how she jiggled around? I did hear that. I don't think that has anything to do with it. You're an ally. Okay. All right.

You're a violent feminist. Good job, burnt. Let me ask you, have you consulted with a doctor to see if that situation could be reversed? Great question. You could have sex. I consulted with a doctor. And is anal sex off the table? Burnt.

It's not. That's another question you've never asked a guess. It's not. It's a real day of the table. Yes, we sure are. It's not off the table. It's just less appealing when one side's all deflated. Have you consulted a surgeon about that?

I'm not made of money. I'm sorry. I have to ask this. Did an actual medical professional use the word deflated? Because that also doesn't seem right. They say depressed. Sure. You know, I have a depressed cheek.

Okay. And I mean, there's certainly things that can be done about that. People do it that don't need it all the time. Brazilian buttless for crying out loud. Well, I just believe in accepting your body as is. Ergo, I'm anti-hosempic. Okay. My logic is rock solid.

I'm sorry, you guys don't follow it. I believe that you can write this down and put it in court and elect me president. So you, wait, that's escalation. So you don't, you, you, you don't judge people for being fat? I judge people for cheating out of it. Cheating out of it. So if you see a fat person, you don't think, well, they're, they, they are, they are slothful. I say a more full body person.

Let's, let's say that. I don't know about that burned. It is. I don't like it. As a woman, I don't like it. What did you say, babe? Full body. Yes.

Full body. Like a wine. Like a beer. That seems condescending. That seems like you're doing. You're making fat of bad work. It seems Victorian in a way. Well, speaking of Victoria, back in the day, it was a sign of wealth and success and great abundance of you were big.

So, okay, let's say that. Let's say that. Let's say abundant then. How about that? No, but all these flowery words are making it seem like it's bad to be fat. Okay, fine. I was trying. Not husky.

What are we? Buying tough skins at Sears? I think it's just making it worse. I was really trying to help. I'm sorry. I was a child, just as a quick sidebar. Okay. When I was a child, there was a brand of jeans that Sears,

oh yes. The line of jeans called Tough Skins. And the idea was these are very adorable and your monstrous child will not wear these out. They'll last forever. And they were extremely uncomfortable. It sounds like it. Sounds like they were made of like a... There was a reason they were tough.

Of rubber. You wish. But they one time... Is it like fire hose material? It was fire hose material? It was pretty real. And one of the commercials featured a sort of 1950s robot wearing these jeans jumping up and down.

Is that real? The robot was testing the jeans. Good Lord. I have to try and find that commercial. Why would a robot be wearing pants anyway? Well, it was just purely to test the jeans. The durability. The robot wasn't like, I want to have more style.

Back then they weren't saying that now. Need, Riz. Wow, that's the first time that word was ever heard. Robot one was saying. Yeah, nobody knew. It was very advanced. They destroyed it immediately. Okay.

So, Ellen, God, I really want to help you. I have, I've usually not been turned around. I've been, I don't need hell. I've been called a virgin, buy a virgin. This is a wild episode. She described a medical anomaly I've never heard of. Now, we also have to get into the picture of the, can we please?

Because this is, you know, I thought this was going to be. the craziest thing that happened. But this is the most bizarre looking person. I want that hat. I don't even know if you can call it a hat. I feel like it might be his hair in like a purple fade. For the listener, we will also put this on our Instagram so you can see it. The picture is of, it looks like a human torso.

First of all, the background is missing. It seems like the background has been removed from the photo. It honestly looks like, you know, when you see the alien really quickly at the window in signs. It's what it looks like. It looks very, like you said, a cryptid. This looks like a sighting of something. It reminds me of our old friend, Indrid Cold, from the Mothman prophecies.

We never see, but we hear on the phone, and this is what I imagine you'd like to look. And let me tell you something. This teen has some junk in the trunk. Oh, he's just speaking of the... He's not deflated. Are you perhaps a little jealous of this teen, and that's why you're assassinating his character?

Well, I think he's doing a Zemphick, and it's making his body weird. Okay. What's going on with? I think it's actually well known that it's all parts of the body where you begin to lose the fat, the fat and the muscle. Doesn't happen one part at a time.

It didn't get pushed to one body part. I don't know. I'd like to see the clinical trials. I don't know if we have confirmation on that. So how much do you know about the drug ozempic and? Quite a lot. So GLP 1. Okay.

Yep. Right. What else? It's expensive. It does. It is expensive. It is expensive. Once you start it, if you go off it, you often put the weight back on. That's what they do say.

Uh-huh. A lot of people who use it say they suffer from food noise. It quiets the noise. Everything I'm saying is right. And so that's true. Sure. How does it work? It gobbles up.

This is where it falls apart, Ellen. A little bit, a little bit. When the word gobbles comes into play. It gumbles up your adipose tissue. And then it forms a little excrement in your bloodstream. And it, that's why you're, you, you, you, much denser shits. Oh my goodness.

You might have laughed at the word gobbles, but did you clock the word adipose? We caught it. That was very impressive, Ellen. I don't. You get a gold star for that. It's a much more scientific. You don't get a gold star.

It's better than gobbled. Yeah. It creates an excrement in your bloodstream. I'm not sure about it. All that sounds like it's from a book to me. I mean, it's true. I commend you for not saying poo-poo. Well, I'm not a child.

Okay. How old are you? Oh, no. She immediately started crying. More tears. Oh, this is terrible. I'm 40. That's not anything to cry about.

You look terrific. I know, but my voice sounds 90. Oh, no. You do have an older, a more mature sounding voice. I know, but that I think your voice just. I've been trying to online. date and they're doing the new thing on hinge with the voice sound and people, people, they don't respond well to my voice.

Oh, I didn't realize that was a thing. Yeah, you can record your voice because a lot of times people say when they online date and they meet the person in person, their voice is different and throws them off so now you can upload your voice ahead of the- Well, then how do you know that someone's not just uploading a fake voice? Exactly, Joe. That's the risk you take when you online date, just like you can be catfished any which way. Now you can be vocally catfish.

but I'm honest. I go, this is my voice. I'm 40. And it turns people off. But then do they also think that the picture must be fake? If that's what your voice sounds like? Because you're adorable.

I know. I know. You're hot as hell. I'm gorgeous. That's why it bothers me that people are cheating to get gorgeous because I came to naturally. Well,

now I think that's very, that's very unkind and it's very judgmental. I'm not, I'm kind. I just think my husband's ugly. Oh, goodness, yes. We covered that already. It went from unattracted to ugly.

They're divorced now, so you are divorced. Is that correct? They're roommates. They're roommates. I still don't understand how that works. Is he dating? Is he with someone? Uh-huh.

Who's that? Oh, this woman, Linda Cardalini. Who? Yeah. Actor? Yeah. He's very, he loves actresses. Well, she's, wow. She's an ageless, beautiful.

And what an actress. Boy, she's so talented. Everyone says she's the best. So she's just hanging out at your house all the time? Yeah, but she's intimidated by me because as we all know, I look like a 1990s Carmen Electra. That is exactly why I couldn't put my finger on until you said it. That's exactly.

Not current day, 1990. They watched dating Dave Navarro. That's right. That's what I look like. Why my voice is like this. I would love to know. Because have you heard of the disease progeria? Yes.

Oh, dear, yes, I'm afraid. I just have it vocally. You have vocal progeria. I did not even know that was the thing. So does that mean your voice will get even older as you age? Yeah, until it. By the time doctors project, by the time I'm 45, it'll evaporate and I'll be mute. They use the word evaporates.

Come up. It's just five years. What doctors are you seeing that are saying gobbled and evaporate? And they don't say anything about what they could do about your ass. Accessible, accessible, doctors. Oh, dear. What are we have to use all this jargaping? It's used to intimidate people so they don't engage with their health.

I won't argue with you there. There is a point there. There's a point in there. There's a point everywhere. I'm pointy. She's on point. Can I see the pictures? Sure, babe.

Here I'll send them to you. Send them to Doug. Oh, sure. Here you go, Doug. Now, I want to say, listen, men can be so superficial. What does that sound mean, Doug? Two things. One.

Okay. That person is kicked up. Yes, that's been discussed. I've never heard that phrase before me. You never heard that for? Caked up, thank you. I don't know what that means either. It means well endowed in the ass area.

Oh, really caked up. That's cute. Secondly, those are fish eggs. Or I think those are, those might be. Fish row. Oh, you think it's. They're too big for that. You're kidding.

I think those might be sea bunnies. What? When does everyone get updates on their. They're native to Dignity Falls. We have some odd species, especially aquatic ones. And since a lot of them have, I guess, just dried up or been preserved in the riverbed,

my husband is trying to bring some of them back and or help preserve them. And sea bunnies are one of them. Babe, do you want to tell her about sea bunnies? Sure, they have one eye. I checked out. Does that help? That was a rough start.

That was a rough start. Can we go back to Caked Up? When does that one? When do people get, I feel like there's all new slang happening and I'm just not, I'm not getting the updates. Oh, Ellen, you and me both. They're happening every day. I feel so old. Oh, well, all you have to do is be online just every spare moment you get. Every second of the day.

Yeah. You know what urban dictionary is? You can go and check out that. But isn't even that an old reference? Like only like hard millennials use urban dictionaries. Possibly, but I think they're still updating it. I could be wrong. They are, but you know what the thing about Urban Dictionary is, it's kind of outlived its usefulness because now every word you look up means 80 different things.

That's true. And it's sort of unhelpful. That's fair. Yeah. Oh, gosh, Ellen, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you because what ended up happening is. I know what to tell you. Go get therapy.

And then, and then go get some. Yeah, you have mental problems. Go get therapy and then go. No, I have physical problems. Go get some. Go grab someone. I am so sharp. I'm a serious.

No, you've been through trauma. You've been through a lot of trauma. Yeah, but trauma's what you make of it. And I'm fucking eating it for breakfast. I would believe that. I think, I think trauma is eating you for breakfast because it can really damage your inside. Trauma's eating you.

Trauma's eating you, Ellen. It's eating you, Ellen. She's just saying the same thing over and over again. This is not, we're not getting anywhere. We're going in circles. I really do think that my husband has a point. I do have trauma from the war. In Kansas?

Yeah. Delivering the mail. I'd always get them all. Sometimes I would deliver to the wrong people like they'd get catalogs and I'd accidentally put it in the wrong mailbox and then I'd have to go back and rifle through and people would go,

you're going through my mail and I'd go, I'm the Navy mail man. Did Lucian sir? What was it? How did you know that you had delivered the wrong mail after you delivered it? Because the names didn't match. But you delivered it?

I delivered it and then I went, wait a second. That one said Veronica and that one said car. So it would occur to you as you were making a way down the street It is interesting she was serving as a Navy mailman in a landlocked state. Yeah. And she also mentioned the argument. There's water.

There's water under the land. Boy, that's true. Under the land. I mean what? Everything's brown there. When you get down there. You think America just goes straight down to the core? No.

There's water under. America goes straight down to the core. There's water under. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. No. No. No. No, no, no, no, no. We can't, we can't let you get away with that. What a? What a?

What a? I don't know that term. I haven't heard that one. I haven't heard that one. That's a new slang. What eh? When were you diagnosed with the progeria of the voice? When I started talking.

As a, as a baby. As a child, as a child. Nope, I talked right on time like two years old, but I sounded 40 at two. You sounded 40 at two. And now, I now at 40, I sell 90. And then in five years, get to the mute. It's going to be, it's going to evaporate, as she said. Medically evaporates.

All right. I really do think you need to get yourself checked out in every single way. Every single way. Inside and out. You guys are fucking smug. Okay. Wow. Well, you know.

Strong language. Listen. We're on your side. If you take, yeah, we're only ever trying to help. If you take anything away from this. She call you smog? You know. Are the Lord of the Rings dragons?

Smile. We are not trying to do anything but help you. I just feel constantly attacked. I know. I think you always feel that way, though. Even just with these bottles being left, somehow you take that as a personal affront to you. It is.

When really, I don't see. Because it's in front. You're treating us like we're jellin, shooting at you. Yeah. And we're not. Stop yelling. We're not jellin. Do you feel good about that?

Though I'm not jellin. I mean, I guess. so I'm glad I'm not someone who shot at somebody and deflated their cheek. Where do we go from here? Therapy, immediately to therapy and then to a real hospital, not one on wheels or whatever doctors you're visiting.

On wheels, it's not wheels, it's on a boat. God! No. You're seeing a doctor on a boat. Is a Navy doctor? No. It's that guy. Okay.

You know that, there's a few houseboats that are in the dry riverbed. There are. In addition to the casino boat that gets dragged. Yes. Otherwise, it'll be illegal. They need to keep it moving. That's right. And there's one that has a red cross-painted on it.

And I just thought the guy was like... Let me go back to what do we think? Don't we understand? Think about Hawaii, right? Do you think under the islands of Hawaii, it goes straight to the core? No. Wait, we're back here. Why are we talking about that?

I just, I know it sounds crazy when you think. America there can't be water underneath but little Hawaii, Japan. I don't know that anyone's walking around saying that. Hawaii was created by volcanoes. There's just molten lava. The only thing we argued with is there's not sharks and dolphins underneath America.

The ocean continues. They have found that there are. All the land is on top. She's standing on the kitchen island. The ocean does not continue underneath to the heartland of America. I think it does. I think it can.

And then it comes up out. I mean, they have found underground reservoirs. Sometimes they have found underground lakes, but not just one continuous ocean that's just underneath. But I think I'm wrong. Well, that's the truest thing you say today. Techtonics. When you think you're right, I do believe you think you're right.

What were you going to say, baby, about tectonics? Tectonics. Oh, that was it. Let's throw that in there. Tectonics. He just phoned that word in her tectonics. Mike drop. Where do we go for me?

I think we're going to let you go. I think we urge you, we urge you to seek some professional help of absolutely every single kind. Because I want to say something, I think you're sweet. You're beautiful. We all know that. Where are you getting sweet from? I do think she's sweet. I think she's sweet.

I think she's sweet-natured. She might be delusional, but she's sweet-natured. She's sweet-natured. I didn't like, oh, no, her voice is getting older. Her voice just got older. You've aged my. Oh, no. You've aged my voice.

No, it's older. You've aged my voice. Oh, this conversation has stressed me so much. Oh, no. My voice is aging rapidly like. Let me out of here. All right, we should let you go. Nice work, Doug.

Well, Ellen, we wish you the best of luck. We wish you the best of luck. I wish I can say the same. Oh, no. We really do hope you'll take our advice to heart. Yes, please. And do something about all of us. of your many problems.

Yes. How am I going to get to therapy when my voice is dead? Get you to therapy now right away. Okay? It's not too late. There's still time. Okay. And that's our show.

Oh, okay. Great. Thanks for that segue. We'll be back with the neighbor listen. When the neighbor listen returns, back. All right. This is Ronald. And guess what I got?

I got empty Gucci, Jimmy D. Chu, and Armani, fragrance boxes. This is a collection of Gucci, Jimmy Chew, and Armani fragrance boxes in mint condition for sale. Two, still have the Cologne box in them. Gucci Big Box, Jimmy Choo Box. DM for serious inquiries only. Willing to let go all for $130. Or individually, small Gucci box, $20. Medium Gucci Box, $40. Georgia Armani Box, $25. And Jimmy Chew box, $35. Pickup or delivery, no trades. These are marked down from $65 to $45. I know what I got here, but apparently you people aren't sophisticated enough to know a classy, empty box when you see one. Now, you'll notice

I said Jimmy D. Chu in the subject heading. That's because I'm trying to weed out the look you lose. The people don't know what's going on. It's not Jimmy D. Chu. It's Jimmy Chu. All right. Now look, maybe you got a Gucci item. Maybe you got a Jimmy Chu. item. Maybe you got an Armani item. And you don't have the box because either you threw it away like a dumb ass or you stole the item from somebody else's house. No judgments. Things are valuable. Sometimes you got to steal them. I'm not advocating for stealing. I'm just saying sometimes you have to do that. It's imperative. So if you want these empty boxes and you've got a brain in your head, you're going to come to me and you're going to say, Ronald, first of all, may God bless and keep you

for offering these for such a low, low price. Then you're going to say, are these legit? And I'm going to say, sorry, I have to slam the door in your face right now because you called me a liar. Ronald does not deal in counterfeit empty boxes, okay? Ronald only deals with authentic, empty boxes from fancy things that aren't in the boxes anymore.

Okay? So if you're serious, if you're smart, and if you agree to my terms, then we can do business, okay? It's pickup or delivery, no trades. Don't try to trade me an empty Captain Crunchbox for a Jimmy Chu? Come on. Don't try to trade me an empty book of matches

in a box kind, you know, fancy ones, for an Armani box? I don't think so. Don't try to, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't try to trade me a matchbox car, toy matchbox car matchbox, for a Gucci box. Ah, ah, no trades. You pick up or I deliver.

Empty boxes. Get your head out of your ass. I, you know, I want to apologize to our listeners. I don't know how much we're going to be able to edit out of that. There's a couple things I can think of right away. Yeah. It might just have been, I don't know, what kind of trigger. warning you would even put on this episode because we really kind of ran the gamut of

things that might people might find offensive really lots of body parts that have never been spoken up no on this podcast no really a troubled person oh she truly was making it everyone else's problem kind of do you know what I was going to say those balls look like they look like orbs those are things that um I hate them they're too balls do look like no but they're at believe or not they're called orbs it's a toy that um I think once they realize how truly dangerous they were for small children who could choke on them. You're just supposed to be able to, I think you're supposed to be able to pop them. And they just have, I don't know.

And where you hide them. I mean, they're supposed to be a children's toy. It's a terrible idea. I mean, you could say that about any children's toy. It's true. You hide them. Yes, you do hide them. So, hide them.

I don't think it's ozempic. We all know it's not that. It's not a zep. I am more disturbed by the picture of whatever the hell left that thing there. That is the headline is that this is a creature. Terrifying. and wearing a purple beanie. Waring a purple be.

Even in the, I don't know, that might be its head. From the picture, I couldn't tell that it was a hat necessarily. It looks like his head. It looks like he has purple hair. And like a buzz cut like a fade. I got to look again. It looks like it's just part of the head. It's really upsetting.

It's very disturbing. And she is a disturbed person and she's not going to listen to us. This is Super Dennis. Oh, jeans fear him. What is this? Oh, that's the robot. So this was actually J.C. Penny's super denim. Jaycey Penny's super denim.

It was super denim. And his name is Dennis? Yeah. Oh my gosh. He's sending it to me. They put pants on the robot. Super Dennis. This is horrifying.

This is horrifying. Why is he only Irish dancing? He's just able to smack one leg on the ground. You missed him. Well, that's one of the. That's one of the things I'll wear jeans and a heartbeat. Oh. But you missed him.

He was on his knees, on carpet. Oh, okay. I see. You know, I imagine being that actor in that robot costume. How miserable that was. Oh, I thought it was a real robot. Joan. What?

Joan, you come from the theater. That's true. That's true. I mean, that's stagecraft right there. That means I believe whatever I see sometimes, right? Did you never? What? All right.

I was trying to be whimsical. I'm sorry. Oh, that was fun. Okay, good. Have you ever actually? Did an opposite someone in a robot costume? Oh, of course. We did an all-robot version of two gentlemen of Arona

taking place in the future. That's right. And it was, well, people suffered from heat stroke because we did it in the dead of August. And you refused to turn on the air conditioning. Refused to because I thought, well, in the future, there's going to be a climate change. Of course.

And so we all want the audience to feel that. It was immersive. It was immersive. Yes. Too immersive for Browery, justice. who was once one of our best actors. I remember Browary. Yeah, he's now in the actor's home,

which we have here at Digny Falls. We have a home for actors when they have retired. And it's sad and also magical. Yeah. And he... It's hard for something to be both at the same time. Not in theater.

Not in theater. Ah, so true. It's Brutiful is what it is. We call it Brutiful. Brutiful. Oh, I love that. It's a good one. And yeah, we were doing a scene.

And, you know, I also... also had said, I guess it's not fair because I said, well, the robot ladies should just sort of be, like, hybrid. So we kind of just had like, robot, robot bra, robot. Robot bra. We were more bare skin, so we weren't having as much trouble. But Browry, you know, and he was doing the robot voice, you know, but it was like, dear lady, hither to wear for, you know, and then he just started glitching. And I thought he was doing a bit, you know what I mean? But he actually was.

And we had some mechanical parts that were like batteries and light. So he got electrocuted and had heat stroke at the same time. Yeah. It was terrible. And that served as the inspiration for Max Headroom. A lot of people don't know that. It's fun trivia. It is fun trivia.

So we have one more posts. Great. And this one is, boy, you know, it's, it's a classic neighbor-hap post. I'll tell you what. So let's try to see what we can make of this. Okay. Okay. Joni says 7.15 a.m.

on Sunday morning, a beautiful health coyote just came running down our streets on Beachwood Avenue. Be careful. Health coyote. I've only heard about one other sighting of what someone calls a health coyote. And I want to just dismiss it as a typo.

But this is the second time it's happened. Oh, I assumed it was a typeo. It was a real thing. Okay. But I don't know. You don't know what makes it a health coyote? What would make it a health coyote? Maybe they have the little whiskey barrels.

You mean let's have toilet? Oh, the whiskey. You know, like those dogs? St. Bernard. St. Bernard's. I thought they had toilet paper around their neck, you know, for when you were in an house. I think that's a Looney Tunes cartoon. Oh, yeah, right.

So what did they actually have around their necks? There was a Lillian cartoon where the, I don't think you, I've seen that too with the toilet paper. I think it was a far side. When they made those old cartoon. It was a far side. Yeah. People would have fainted dead away at the suggestion. of toilet paper existing.

Well, Doug always thought that was, he had escrow do it for a while. He put, he hung a roll of toilet paper around escrow's head so that his neck. Neck if you will. So when he got stuck with that toilet paper, he'd go,

come here, boy. And then he'd come and then he would have toilet paper. Then he ate the whole thing. He thought it was great. He ate it. He would eat a lot of it. Yeah. A lot of it. A lot of it.

A lot of it. The boys ate the rest. So what's, so. So you're saying they have little casks of, some sort of medicine, brandy. Right. Brandy, right? Because for people who are cold? I believe that was the, the, was that really real?

I don't know. St. Bernard's in the cask of Brandy? I don't know. It must have been. Well, and they were just. What do you mean it must have been? Well, for something to be repeated that many times. Oh, sure.

Yeah. That makes sense. Okay. Here's what I think. People didn't make things up back there. I do think that people are real. People, here's the thing. Some people, I feel like, tend to get more concerned when they see a really.

skinny coyote outside because it means they are hungry and they're on the prowl for like your pets. Sure. So to see a health coyote. But to me that means they're incompetent and your pet's fine. Possibly, but maybe it's... I'd be scared of a big fat coyote. Well, this is a health coyote. So I'm wondering there was some sightings of coyotes at the gym and they were sort of like gaining muscle and only just attacking high protein animals. That's right. And so there were some jacked coyotes, you know, walking around. Kind of like how kangaroos like really jacked sometimes. It's so crazy. They look like MMA fighters. They're terrifying.

And so we had some jacked coyotes running around, and I wonder if that's what she meant. Or it was just a typo. But I do think that there's a new breed of coyotes. That's kind of sort of. I think they're looks maxing? They're looks maxing for sure. This coyote might have been maugging.

Can I confess? I'm not really sure what mocking is. I think it's when you ruin the background of someone else's picture. Like it seems to happen a lot when someone's on the right carpet and someone walks back. I think it's when you, I think it's when you outdo someone. This is probably really fun for people who actually know what it means to hear us people talk about it. You guys, this is horrible. Oh, sigh.

St. Bernard's did not historically carry Farisle Brandy. He looked it up. Thank goodness. So then where does that come from, babe? Comes from an 1820 painting. Alpine mastiffs reanimating a distressed traveler. The first meme. Reanimating with whiskey.

Good Lord. I love that that's the way to reanimate someone. Yeah. He could be dead. He's got frostbite quick. It was poor a booze down. It featured a barrel solely for artistic sentimental effect. Very sentimental.

So this painter was a liar. I mean, does he know what he did? He did. Well, he did it for sentimental effect. So people would look at this and they would go, oh, oh, a barrel. Remember when? Remember when we tried to get this going and the dogs refused? Boy, just to think that a painting could have been that.

influential back in the day. Yeah. Yeah. When really these days, we would just look, oh, that's AI. Do you see? Do you see on his neck?

There's a whiskey barrel. That's the dead giveaway. That should be the tell for AI now. It really should be. Yeah. Not five, not six fingers. Yeah. But if you have a little brandy barrel around your neck.

All right. Well, that does it for this episode of the neighbor. Listen, thank you so much for listening. Sorry if it bothered you. Sorry if it upset you, if it upset, you grow up. Oh, burnt. Well, honestly. Let's not come for the audience.

I don't want to. I just don't want to cuddle them. Okay. Well, I think after that, let's just say next time we're going to do better to maybe have it a bit more, less disturbing and a bit more clean. I think we did nothing wrong. We play the hand we're dealt. Yeah, that's true. And so do you when you're listening to the episode.

Oh. Right? I guess, are you talking to our listeners now? That's true. If you choose to listen to the episode, that's the episode we gave you. Oh, right. Well, we're going to do our best to sort of clean it up and make sure that it's not too shocking. I'm not going to change a thing.

I know because you don't listen to it, Burns. You never listen to it. I never will. Oh, my God. All right. Let's finish it. All right, goodbye. Goodbye.

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Allison Rich. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy, Bang Bang World.

Go to CBBWorld.com to unlock the entire history of the show. Add free as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast. That was us now on HeadGum.

Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show. This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes. with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes.

A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.