The Neighborhood Listen - No Complaining with Payam Banifaz

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Burnt takes us through the new Dignity Fallsmacy Heirarchy, and reveals a recent vacation. Joan recaps her Christmas Cabaret, and recalls her grandfather's porch rules. Doug issues a special report. Later, Julio L. (Payam Banifaz), gives his wild backstory as to why he is proud of NeighborHapp for not complaining about the fireworks recently.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, neighbors, it's Paul. Before we get to the episode, I just wanted to let you know about some live shows that we all have coming up. On January 20th at St. Rock in Hermosa Beach, you can see Brett playing with Epic. That's every place I cry. The comedy emo band with our old pals, Jess McKenna and Zach Reno. Not to be missed. Get your tickets. The first weekend in February, all of us will be at Sketch Fest in San Francisco. On Friday, February 2nd, I will be doing Varietopia at Club Fugazi. Never said it out loud. Never heard it out loud. Two shows, 7 and 9, 45 p.m.

Still some tickets left for those. It's a fun variety show. You do not want to miss it. On Saturday, February 3rd, Brett will be with Jess and Zach again for a live off-book, the improvised musical at the Great Star Theater. And I will be appearing with many hilarious people on Comedian Feud at Cobb's Comedy Club. Unfortunately, these shows happen at the exact same time and double unfortunately, they are both sold out. But check your various socials and message boards.

Maybe join the CBB World Discord because someone is always looking to unload a ticket they can't use. This happens at literally every single live show. Then later that evening on February 3rd, I am doing Spontor Co. with our friends Eugene Cordero, Tony Newsom, and Janet Varney at the Great Star Theater. Still some tickets left for that show. On Sunday, February 4th, our 3 p.m. live Neighborhood Listen with returning guests Jess and Zach is sold out. But again, check to see if anyone is getting rid of any tickets. And then later that evening, Epic is playing again at the Chapel. Still some tickets left for that show. And finally, in New York City, February 9th through March 31st at the Daryl Roth Theater. Nicole Parker returns to

Titanic, the incredible off-Broadway live version of the movie Titanic as imagined by Celine Dion. This show is hilarious. It's nonstop jokes. I remember after seeing it, Brett and Dana Wickens and I saw the show the same night. And afterwards, Nicole asked us, what were your favorite jokes? And it was impossible to answer because just wall-to-wall jokes. The show starts, it never relents, and then it stops. And then it stops. And Nicole is not only hilarious in the show, as you would imagine, but you also get to see her singing Celine Dion songs as Celine Dion. And, you know, the pipes, the pipes, folks, you got to see it. Go get your face blown off by Nicole Parker as Celine Dion in Titanic. Thank you for listening. I know this was a lot, but we want to keep you apprised of

these live shows because we'd love for you to come out and see us. And now enjoy the episode, which is, in a word, good. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up

for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen! Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good! In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHalf app and us.

Bird. And Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen. One, two, three.

And welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. And it's hosted by us, two of the residents of Dignity Falls. My name is Bernt Mia Payday. I am the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls Massey. That's right. And I'm Joan Pedestrian. And I am, well, it's at the Dignity Falls Massey. That's right. And I'm Joan pedestrian and I am. Well, it's a new year.

New me. We're trying to figure out here. I've got a lot of, I got my fingers in a lot of pots. Isn't that the saying? No, but do you, I got a lot of pots on the fire. Are you, are you, are you considering changing careers so drastically that you don't want to say what you do for a living? I mean, almost. It's almost like I don't want to change the new year.

You know what I mean? Not TCC. Can't come up with that. Total career change. Oh, total career change. Oh, right. So, yeah. I mean, I guess we should.

Okay. So, I am a realtor. I still am. I'm still practicing. I am not practicing. Is it called a practice? I like to think of it as a practice. But not your shingle. Never. You know, if you think that you've perfected it, then you know what, that's the day that you're done. There you go. It's the day you're done living. There you go. I like to think about it that way. but uh there were there's been a couple other ventures you know that um that but we'll get into that we will get into that but i haven't seen you for a little bit because we kind of took a long break that's right um and uh i want to know

how things are at the falls macy of course you took this new job yes at this real wonderland of a place there's a lot of things going on in here. There's a waterfall in the very middle. Beautiful water feature right in the center. It's the highest pharmacy by many stories in the United States. Obviously all the pharmacies in Dubai are much higher. Sure, sure, of course, yes. Yes, but for the United States,

it's the highest pharmacy. And, you know, so many of the gang at the old CVS came over and, you know, everything is just new and clean and shining. And it's just a wonderful time. And I feel like, Joan, I feel like people are happy when they come in there. It is true. It is true. There's a lot of, you know, and of course, as we know, the CVS had that carpet that was because of a very big accident a man had with a sword.

Yes. Well, it was on purpose. This guy did it on purpose. Is that right? I don't remember that. He stabbed himself with a sword. Oh, dear. You know, it's like

you can sort of feel all that sort of dark history when you entered that CVS. You know, it's dark gray carpet. Oh, bad energy. Bad energy in that CVS. Well, the carpet, of course, it was red. It was red, yes. It was dark red.

Yes, it was dark red. Because they thought they would show, you know, the blood wouldn't show up. They anticipated a lot of self-sword stabbings, I guess. And, you know, you walk into a place like this, this is just, you know, fresh, new memories. I mean, no memories. New memories to be made. New memories to be made in this

pharmacy, yes. But there's a lot of other things you can do you know they have a post office they put a dry bar in the bottom which I do enjoy it's a one stop shop absolutely I'm saying he has

which again listeners can't see but he wears this fabulous robe that is just does everyone get to wear it or only you because your head i i only i wear the the robe as pharmacist and chief but other people have various uh uh symbols of rank oh yes within what are the ranks in the pharmacist on a pharmacy well pharmacist chief is as high as you can go okay well i figured. Then you have, of course, Chancellor. Chancellor-sist.

Chancellor-sist, right. Yes. Which is more of a public liaison. I mean, it's someone who is a pharmacist, of course, licensed pharmacist. Like does outreach and whatnot. Yes. It greets people at the door. Really gets out in the community and then makes sure that the youth knows about the pharmacy. You know, this is what we do.

We got to let kids know. We got to let kids know that the pharmacy is there for them. If they have a weeping wound, they can come in there and get the gauze. They could get salves. Well, sometimes you do a big brother program, right? With the pharmacy. Yes. With younger pharmacists.

Yeah. They get a little coat. They get to mix some stuff together. That's right. They get to put M&Ms in a bottle. Yeah. Or crush them with a pestle. A pistol?

Pestle. Which one is it? It's a pestle. Pistol's not a thing. An epistle, of course, is a letter from the Bible. Oh, well, now you're just bragging about all the big words you know. Why am I? Joan.

I'm just Josh. We're having, now you're just bragging about all the big words. Why am I? Joan. I'm just Josh. We're having fun. We're having fun. Yeah. So, okay. So, Chancellorist, what comes after that? After that, of course, is the pharmacist regent, who is the person that is third in line of succession. In case something happens to both of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now we can't travel together. Right. Do you have a viceroy? We don't have a viceroy at this branch. How interesting. Because a viceroy is a combination of a few different jobs at a

pharmacy. Oh, okay. And so at a smaller branch, you would have a viceroy. Well, I'm learning so much. Oh, there's so much to learn. And that voice, by the way, that you heard was Doug, my husband and our engineer. And where are you today, babe?

He's always in a different room in our house. I am, aren't I? Are you just realizing how that works out that way? I feel like... I think we've even pointed it out before. Yeah, maybe almost every episode, actually.

We're always busy around the house, you know. You never know where you'll find me. I'm in the ceramics room. Oh, yes, I know. The ceramics room. Uh-huh. Which I wanted, but also July, he was very into ceramics for a while.

Oh, so this is a room and not a new room uh well no it is a new room it's just that we only got around to making it you know we had to do the bat cave first we had to do the bean room and we had to do this in the bat cave yeah don't you remember we have a cave we have two caves there was a wine cave i don't think we built we didn't say there There's real bats in the wine cave. More than we discovered. Fake bats in the real cave. Sorry, that's our saying. That's the rule.

You know, some people have porch rules on the front. We have cave rules. That's right. Porch rules. Is that what we call those signs in this house? That kind of thing? No, no, no. This is different. This is literally putting something on a porch that says porch rules. it's really honestly i'm sure that have you never seen one no i have not oh boy i've shown so many houses so many basic houses with the ship lap and

the you know the same look that everyone's doing now that lady the what's her name joanna gains the magnolia lady the target where it's like everything's slightly green and brown and white. And to me, I'm sorry, I don't find it original. Can I tell you something? If you say Joanna Gaines to me, I will picture Joanna Kearns every single time. You're kidding. Every single time. Wow, not at all the same person.

Well, now I know that. Anyhow, yes, porch rules. Honestly, I can't believe they came up with more than one item. I mean, it's really just sit back. Yeah, relax. Two, relax. Three, no serious talk. I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a stogie. Maybe it says that. Do you know that my grandfather, who was in World War II, of course, he had a neighbor that would come across the street. And this is the weirdest thing. They had two little sort of like canvas open, you course, he had a neighbor that would come across the street. And this is the weirdest thing. They had two little sort of like canvas open, you know, unfolding chairs.

And they would sit, you know, not looking out of the street, but just facing a radio that they listened to, which was so sweet. Like backs to the street? No, just like perpendicular. As if they were playing chess, but they're just looking at a radio. Well, but they were both sitting facing the same angle.

They were sitting side by side? Yes, they were. It was wild. They didn't want to risk looking up from the radio and making eye contact. They didn't want to miss a thing. And Speed was the neighbor's name.

And you know, he had... Yes, and he lost a thumb in the war. Oh, dear. And he had a little nub. And you know what? I always remember he had a little nub.

He did. And he used to use it to pack his pipe. Oh, boy, is it memorable. That's the best had a little nub. And you know what? I always remember this as a kid. He had a little nub. He did. And he used to use it to pack his pipe. Oh, boy, is it memorable. That's the best use for a nub. It was the greatest. It was the greatest. I loved him so much.

Hey, when life gives you a nub, pack your pipe. See, that's what should be on the porch rules. Yeah, exactly. That's what it is. So that's what I think of. That was Speed's porch rule, probably. That and never look to the street. No. Keep your eye on the radio.

You know, I often think that I would have had a lot better luck as an actress if I was around in the 1940s radio hour. Really? You know, oh yeah. I think, oh you know and Doug would have had fun doing it too, right? Like it would be like, you have to find things to make noise. Special rapport. Yeah, oh

very good, babe. Doug, that was amazing. And if I was like, I'm, I, if I was like, if I was doing like a... Doug, hit me with that again. This is a special report. Wow. I feel like I just slipped out of a time machine. Is that what

War of the Worlds must have felt like? Did you feel like you were in it? Just like that. Yes, I was ready to go shoot a water tower with a shotgun. You know what I mean?

It wasn't even about, you know, we've talked about face a lot and total face change and all this stuff. I'm not going to do it anymore. You decided you're not going to do it. For now, I'm not going to get a total face change. Were you visited by three ghosts over the holidays? Of other women who have had total face changes. And they all look like angelina jolie but not right like a dream and it just wasn't right they said don't do it like you you like you you silly

putty and you uh you picked up angelina jolie's face out of the newspaper and then you stretched it out a little bit yeah and it's backwards somehow everything looks backwards yeah yeah uh no i just it was just good common sense and you know the twins oh by the way the twins who had been hiding for a very long time as a halloween prank they did finally you know what was wild they were in the house the whole time and you know what i had they did it like no but they did they had hidden cameras in the house they showed me i sat down uh doug was a little in on it at the end and he sat me down and they put on on on the screen me just like making breakfast and they're standing right behind me it was like a david blaine situation but i never saw them it was terrifying wait is that something

david blaine did i don't know is he breaking into people's homes i don't that's not magic i don't know anything else i don't know well i was behind you that's just a crime i don't know i don't know who else to uh to reference you know uh because it was like a magic trick. Right. And that's what they were trying to do. One time, one time Matt was dressed up as Doug in a mask. I had no idea. And I got confused. I saw him and I thought I was looking in the mirror. I was like, I don't remember that day.

You thought you were looking in the mirror. Yeah. I started fixing my hair and. I don't. Wait, what? I'm sorry. Let's go back, babe. I thought you meant when we were watching the film together.

You mean the day of? The day of when Let's go back, babe. I thought you meant when we were watching the film together. You mean the day of? The day of when I saw Matt dressed as me. You saw him? You never told me this. Existential crisis. Of course, but I didn't know that you were in on it that early. Well, I didn't know I saw him. I thought I saw me.

Okay. That's strange you didn't tell me because that's a pretty big deal. Yeah. That I saw a doppelganger of myself in the home. Just walking through the home. Didn't mention it. Yeah. Didn't mention it.

I would call that a special report. Calvin Coolidge has been elected. Like a body snatchers type situation. Who were you saying? Calvin Coolidge has been elected. That's Doug bringing you the news. The hottest headline straight from the... Nope.

What happened, Joan? Well, here's the thing. Do you remember how I was going to do improv in my Christmas cabaret? Yes. Oh, my... We haven't... I need to know, you know, because I was away, so I missed the Christmas cabaret. You did.

And I'm sorry about that. You did. Where I'm sorry about that. You did. Where did you go again? I went to, what do you call it? It's one of the national parks, Yosemite. I went to Yosemite. Oh, you went to Yosemite. Do you know who I went with?

Who? Gabby. Gabby? Yes, my ex. Oh, my gosh. I didn't think I would ever heard about her from I would never thought I would hear about her. I didn't think you would ever hear about her again. You guys had such a rough breakup.

We really did. And but, you know, some time has passed and it was actually my pen pal Lorenzo who got us back together. No kidding. Yeah, that's amazing. Just through all his letters. You start musing about her. Well, no, he met her and then he started talking to her. Because of course your pen pal lives in this town. Right. no kidding yeah that's amazing just through all his letters did you start musing about her well no he met her and then he started talking to her pen pal lives in this town right here

and so um his house was on fire and it's so weird because i bet you did he just write you about it instead of like like in the moment you know instead of like picking up the phone he did well i mean it's not that ridiculous He did call the fire department first and then take them to pay for it. I just met you. I knew that he would call the fire department. I knew he would do that. Did his letters have the cool little burned out corners?

He did hold, he did to make it look old time. Doug loves doing that. When our kids did, you know, like the medieval period in history, boy, he did that for their projects. He loved burning the edge of the paper. To be honest, that's how I think the twins first got into fire. Wow. Because daddy said it was fun.

Yes. And because daddy wasn't that great at it to begin with at first. You know, you're supposed to wet the pages first. I don't know if you know this. You said great at it. I thought you said he was not a great dad at first. No! Doug was a wonderful, is a wonderful dad to Matt and... Chartreuse.

Chartreuse. Matt and Chartreuse, my twins. Wonderful dad to both of them. And that's not what I meant. Just not great at doing the burning of the parchment paper. It just went up in flames really quick. But then, of course, they were like, again, again, again. Yeah.

They were only three when they studied the medieval history. Wow. Yeah. Precocious. They're precocious like, again, again, again. Yeah. They were only three when they studied the medieval history. Wow. Yeah. Precocious. They're precocious kids. Well, oh, God. Do you understand how competitive it is these days? I mean, like, it is crazy.

You have to be so ready by kindergarten to do everything. That's why Fisher-Price made that castle. I had that castle. I did, too. Who didn't? Well, but I'm not sure that we did. Did you understand really what what did you really understand it? I did.

I did. I did. I felt like, oh, did you really understand it? I did. I, I did. I felt like, oh, I see a feudal system. The feudal system. Okay. All right. So, uh, yes, I did this Christmas camera. Oh, you went to Yosemite with Gabby. Wait, I want to understand this.

So, so there was a fire at Lorenzo's house and she came. She, she smoke jumped, uh, to his home. Can you explain to everyone what smoke jumping is? Cause, cause I'll be honest. I didn't know what it was when you first told me. It is firefighters who jump out of an airplane. That's right. Into the fire. Into the fire.

And they did that for his house. Why was that necessary? I thought it was just for forest fires. Everyone, because the fire department took a sabbatical. The entire department. And what, went to go write a novel somewhere? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. In upper Michigan? That's exactly. They said, we're going to write a novel somewhere? Yeah, exactly.

In Upper Michigan? That's exactly. They said, we're going to write a novel together. In the Upper Peninsula? Yes, we're going to go in the Upper Peninsula, and we're going to write a novel together. We've been talking about it for years. It's time to stop talking and do something.

So our kids are grown. Yes. Let's just do this. And they made everyone- I never knew that that was an option. Yes. It's a cataclysm. It's never been done before.

But there was an ad in the paper that they took out and they said, we're asking you to promise not to set fire. Yes. And then, of course, then it's left to the forestry division. Yes. Yes. Who have no interest in fiction. And so it ended up being Gabby who jumped onto his own.

Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. And so then they just sort of became friends and I guess, suppose they started talking about you. Yeah. And then Gabby,

you know, Gabby said, well, you know, we used to date and Lorenzo said, oh, that's wonderful. And you know,

they just got to, he asked them, he asked her what happened and she said, ah, it just didn't work out. And, um, and then,

uh, it sounds like a great conversation. Then she called me. And she called you. And she called me. And how soon after that did Yosemite happen? It sounds like it must have been fast. It was pretty fast.

It was pretty fast. And how was it? Did you camp? We fell right back into it. But now you had Lorenzo with you, or you only went with Gabby? No, Lorenzo did not come with us. I don't know why I thought that he went with you. No.

Okay. No, no, no. So how was the trip? Did you camp? It was, we did a combo camping and- Oh glamping glamping okay because i'm not sure about you as a camper i didn't know if that would be something you can sleep anywhere i can sleep anywhere oh you can yeah okay i prefer to sleep in a bed okay but i can sleep i can sleep on the ground i can sleep in a tree i can sleep standing up okay yeah i'm very good sleep standing

up yes that is impressive yes i Yes. And also a little devastating. Why is it devastating? It's just very sad. Devastating? What a word. Devastating joke. It just seems something, it seems almost unnatural. Like maybe something happened to you that you can sleep standing up.

No, I get that it seems unnatural because it has creeped some people out for sure. How often has it, when has it happened? Who has it creeped out? Well, if I meet people at work or whatever. So what's happened at work? Yeah. Or if I say I'm in a library or something like that. And the chancellor is just like, I'm up because he's not, he's worried about you being able

to do your job. No, it's the regent who is. Oh, I'm sorry. The regent. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just learning. I'm learning the ranks today.

Just a gentle correction. Okay. So you did camping and glamping. What was the difference? The difference was camping. We had no roof. Sure. Well, that's standard.

Glamping, we were in like a nice kind of rustic cabin. Oh, okay. And then camping, we were literally just sleeping on the ground with nothing. Oh, no tent. No tent. No blankets. Sometimes you have a tent. No blankets.

No, no sleeping bags. Whose idea was this? We kind of arrived at it together. Okay. You you said you know what let's just bring nothing yeah okay yeah yeah well you know because that is a test for like a relationship i think that's kind of what we were driving at okay okay yeah you were doing like your own uh what are those reality shows where they drop you off naked and alone that was that was naked and afraid naked and afraid and then one's just alone yeah but i think you're gonna what

about naked and alone what about just naked you have And then one's just alone. Yeah, but I think you can. What about naked and alone? What about just naked? You have to do, it's not even, they drop you off in the wilderness. You just do your regular life nude. Oh, that show probably already exists in a country somewhere.

England. England. Oh, good Lord. London loves to see that. Oh, they're creeps. Oh,

this is a strong take. Well, they have this thing. They have this thing called the watershed hour. Okay. I'm not familiar. Literally anything can happen. I'm going to have to look this up Well, they have this thing. They have this thing called the watershed hour. Okay. I'm not familiar. Where literally anything can happen. I'm going to have to look this up.

And they have this dating show where you see people. First, you see them in stages, but they're completely unclothed. Really? So they're behind some sort of barrier or something. First, you see them like feet to knees. Then you see them, you know, feet you see them you know feet to waist okay naked and then eventually then why is this what's the point well evaluation joan do you want to pull that thread oh i'm sorry but i mean is it a game show is it a reality show it's like a dating show it's a dating show got it got it got it yeah oh that's wild oh god i'm glad you know what i'm

glad i got married a very long time ago when it was just like, here it is. It's all here right now. Yes or no? How long has it been for you guys? Has it been 20 years? 20. I think we're 20 or 20. We probably should know.

I feel like a few years ago you said 25 years. I was just about to say 27 years. I don't like to put a number on it. No. You know, why? Why? Why? Why think about how long I've been with one person?

It's not a competition. It's not a competition. That way lies madness. That's correct. You know, it's like, it's hard enough. You know, just life is hard enough and marriage is hard. Listen, even a good marriage is hard. I'll tell you what, it's work. Absolutely. Marriage is work from what I understand. It's work, especially Just life is hard enough and marriage is hard. Listen, even a good marriage is hard. I'll tell you what, it's work.

Marriage is work from what I understand. Especially if you have kids. That's why I built the ceramics room because we were watching Ghost. Well, and also for July. Yes. Doug wanted it because of Ghost. I was trying to avoid this.

He had a whole period of time where I'd be in there, right? And I would just be like trying to work. And then the music would come on. And then he'd come in shirtless. And he thought it was a whole. Oh, say can you see. Maybe you haven't seen Ghost Bird, but it was Unchained Melody.

Oh, sure. Oh, sure. I will say we have done it to the national anthem many times. Many times. For a while it was. I beg your pardon. It can be a very sensual song. Um, but, uh, but that was, I would, that was a different me. Uh, so no, it was, it was unchained melody, you know,

the, the one that made, it was made famous by this scene. Um, and you know, it's really hard to do when someone's, you know, trying to make out what is really hard to, to, to, to throw, which is the word for making pottery. Uh, and, uh, well, we never can decide what to make out it's really hard to to to throw which is the the word for making pottery yeah uh and well we never can decide what to make actually my arms are around you and we're trying to work on the same i'm not sure you were i mean listen he was again he wanted to make the moment he wanted to recreate the moment for me it was too it just you know i didn't want to mix uh ceramics with pleasure yeah i understand i understand because you don't want to look at a bowl it's like two different parts of my brain it's like oh i can't exactly can't

compute you know what i mean i'm either making ceramics or having you compartmentalize yes that's one of the ceramic room rules oh this place has rules and then the second one is just no ghost no ghost i had to make that rule after he kept trying to you can't recreate that scene or you're saying don't hey ghost don't even bother coming in well i mean that's all that's for my whole house you know you know i don't like ghosts um but anyways speaking of ghosts it has i, I am, I have been a little haunted by my Christmas cabaret because, so yeah, you missed it, which was a sad, but honestly, not so bad because I would have been embarrassed, honestly, as a colleague.

Oh, no, Joan, I find that very hard to believe. Well, it was, it was rough. I, so I, for those who don't remember, I decided I would try to improvise some songs at the Christmas cabaret and I just thought, well, how hard could it be? And it's a little hard. I mean, at first it starts out fine. And then the problem is you have to keep singing. Oh, I see. Yeah. What I should have done is just done like quick little, like a Christmas jingle or something, or, or maybe not done it at all. But, but, but I tried. Yeah. And also, you know, my boys kept on giving suggestions. So, you know, it was like,

I had to sing like My Little Dick Christmas. My Little Dick Christmas. I don't know what it means, but that's what they shouted out. And you know what? They were so loud. They were the only ones I could hear. So I had to do My Little Dick Christmas.

I had to do Santa's Coming, get it? And that's literally what they shouted. Santa's coming. Get it. And that's literally what they shouted. Santa's coming. Get it. I had to sing M-C-I-L-F. Mrs. Claus, I'd like to. Right. Okay, Bert.

Why would you get mad at him, babe? He gets mad every time I swear in this podcast. And Doug did nothing. Every time I swear, he goes, right into the camera, right into the microphone. I'm sorry, Joan. Bert's allowed to

swear in our home, but I'm not. Oh my God. I'm putting your manners to the test. I don't mind some creative uses. You know, I just don't want it to be an episode of Deadwood. I'm not sure if it's creative. Oh, calm down. Also, that's ridiculous.

He loves Deadwood. We've watched it like seven separate times. He just absolutely adores it. Seven separate times? Yes, like seven separate viewings. Not concurrently. Yes. Doug didn't want me to be around. You might learn some words.

He likes to... I might learn some words. What a thing to say. I feel like it was only the two. Anyway, so I had to... You just seem to be fucking cocksucker. Let me get a little creative, I suppose. Fine.

We'll leave it. Anyways, I had to, so not only did I have to improvise a lot of dirty titles, but it was very hard. No one else had suggestions? Just the twins?

I mean, there was one. My mom piped up one time. Oh, sure. Yeah, but she panicked and she said, Jingle Bells. And you know, that's a song already.

It's already a song. And then the boys went, Jingle Bells, you know, and then that's where I was at. That's where I was at. It was just the worst. No, jingle balls. They said, jingle balls. That makes more sense. Yeah, that makes more sense.

And I tried to suggest pineapple. Yes. And why did you do that, babe? Yeah, why did you do that? Anytime there comes time for an improv suggestion, I feel like pineapple is a really strong. And you didn't think that maybe in this situation, it was going to be easy for them to make it, you know,

naughty. Did you not, did you not know why it would be? He didn't. Pineapple. He didn't know. Does any, does anyone know this?

Do you know this? As a pharmacist, I thought you might know this chemically. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They teach you. Oh,

it's the first day of pharmacy school they get all the dirty stuff out of the way the guy says does everybody have any questions and then everybody raises their hands he goes put them all down I know exactly what you're going to ask turns the whiteboard around and he says yes it's true. It works. Oh, well. So anyways, yeah, that's, that's kind of why I'm,

when I say, oh, I'm regrouping, I'm rethinking, you know, it's just, and why I just wish, you know, sometimes that I'd been around just for the radio when people couldn't shout back and you could just sing your simple song and that's all you had to do. But now you could have done that. You could have, you're not forced to do the improv part. I know, but I feel like now you feel like- You also could have made a sort of, you know,

on-field decision. What do they call that? Are you talking about an audible? An audible. Why? I couldn't think of the term. I couldn't think of the term. couldn't think of the term that is exactly as someone who doesn't uh really enjoy football as as you don't i would describe an audible which is an on-field decision i only enjoy the ball itself i think that you love the shape i

like that it's an oval and i like the stitching yes um but uh you could have called it you think it's a well-tailored ball yeah you do you're. You're a fan of a. It is. I love a bespoke ball. And just a beautiful craftsmanship. And I like when they go to the trouble on those Nerf balls to put that on there. They don't have to. They don't have to. Yes, I guess I could have called an audible. But here's my point.

Is that back in the day, it was simple. Come on, sing your song. Do your bit. Go. Tell the story. Do the sound effects. You effects you know say the commercial no one even looks at you you can no one even looks at you and and that's that was you did your service and you and that was you were only known for doing the one thing and it's all you had to do now i feel like you gotta you know spin plates and you gotta do the you have to do everything because everyone does everything now and it doesn't feel like enough to just stand and sit. What was that? I don't know.

Was that a special report? That was a special report from the pharmacy. Do you have like a special pharmacy phone? Do you have like a pharmacy burner phone? I have two phones, yes. I now have two phones. That's really cool. I have a hotline, pharmacy hotline. Is that the red telephone?

Yes, that's what the red telephone is. He had to bring it. We had to find the landline for him. Which I do appreciate, by the way. I think we've gone long enough and probably should get to our guests, but I just want to know, are you and Gabby together right now? Ish, yes.

We have not put any terms to it. Oh, sure. Yeah, why put terms to it? Again, why put terms to it? Why think about it? What happened there, Doug? What was that? Dropped a cup? Yep. You called it. I think we all knew that was going to happen.

Yeah. It was a very dainty cup. It was a very dainty cup. It wasn't a huge crash. No, it wasn't. It didn't sound like a mug. Yeah, it sounded tin, to be honest. All right, we should take a break. We should take a break.

And Doug, I hope you can keep it together in there. And when we return, we will have a guest right here at the Kitchen Island on The Neighborhood Listen. Hi, this is Arby. For free, Eternal and Morbius Blu-ray. Both brand new and sealed. Now look, these movies didn't do well. And my collection is for winners. So take these two losers out of my sight and I wash my hands of them.

Arby. And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. And as always, we have a guest here with us. Here's what we do, folks. If you're new to the show, we scour the NeighborHap, the social networking application for neighborhoods that so many of us use. And we look at the Dignity Falls one and we look to find

interesting people posting about interesting things. If it's both, great. Sometimes it's just one. It's true. And then, but that's if half of the equation is interesting, that's not bad. Exactly. That's the whole point. We never know what we're going to get. We never know what we're going to get so this is no different

Nope. And if you would like to send us a post maybe you here in Dignity Falls have seen a post that we missed you can screenshot it and send it to us at burntandjone at gmail.com and we will read it on the podcast

and now this one comes to us from a neighbor named and we will read it on the podcast. And now this one comes to us from a neighbor named Julio. And this is in the general section. And the sort of headline is fireworks. Julio continues. Congratulations. Nobody complained about the fireworks that I heard recently. That's how it should be.

No complaining about stupid stuff like that. Fireworks. Proud of you, neighbor hap. And here to discuss this post, maybe he wants to say more, is Julio. Welcome, Julio. It is such a great pleasure to be here. Good afternoon and good evening. Good afternoon and good evening to you.

What a wonderful, I don't know if we've ever been greeted so beautifully on this podcast before. Well, it's a little bit dark, but it's still a little bit light. So I figured it's a combination of the two. That's true. Absolutely true. Absolutely true. Why don't we have, what do we say for that?

There should be a word for that. There really should. Like a mash. Good dusk? Good dusk? Good dusk to you. A good dusk to you. I could work with that.

Absolutely. And Julio, when you emailed us your post, it was signed Julio L. And what is your full name? My name is Julio Antonio Lotion. Wow. What is the, where does lotion come from? It's an interesting name.

It's an interesting name. It's an interesting name. Like, what is the sort of etymology of that? Is that the right way to put it? I've never heard the last name lotion. It comes from everywhere, but. Oh, that's interesting. Most of my family is from Greenland. Oh, sure.

The iciest land in North America. In North America? Right. Greenland's in North America. From what we've been told when I was there. Oh, did you grow up there? I went to high school in Greenland.

I went to elementary school here. Then went back to Greenland for high school. Nightmare. Came back. Wow. What is it like there? I can't even imagine. A lot of fish. They love fish over there? I can't even imagine. A lot of fish. They love fish over there. Sure.

I can see that. And people are very friendly. It gets really dark early most of the year. Yeah. Just a lot of fish. A lot of cold foods. A lot of just like the perfect place to have ice cream because most of the time you could leave it outside. Oh, sure.

Oh, sure. Which is a common complaint about ice cream. For sure. Is that, you know, I love it. Can't keep it outside though. Can't keep it outside. No. But Doug, my husband would love that because, you know, he built a whole room where he could keep beer in the snow, like in the commercials.

And that's like a subzero room. Yes. Yes. You have a snow room where you just put the beer. Oh, yeah. And it has an altitude, a high altitude in there. When you go in there, you got to be careful. You can't stand there too long.

You do get lightheaded. Is it worth all of the trouble? Well, you're talking to the wrong guy. You're not talking to the person who pays the electricity bills. Is Greenland as small as I've heard that it's a lie on the map. Like how big

it looks on the map. Unfortunately, one of the biggest lies the devil ever told us was how small Greenland is. Greenland is actually three times larger than people think. Oh, than people think.

Oh, so three times larger than the way it appears on the map? It's three times larger than that? Yes. Wow. That's pretty big. Because a lot of Greenland is under the freaking water. Oh, they don't count that part. They don't count that part.

I guess I don't think about the size of America and think yeah but what about underneath it's got to be even bigger but I mean there's still people living there what underwater living in those areas and little submarine farms yes submarine farms a bunch of submarines that are attached

together and people live inside of them wow there's a whole underwater society and guess what they eat fish mostly fish yes attached together and people live inside of them. Wow. There's a whole underwater society. And guess what they eat? Well. Fish? Mostly fish. Yes.

Absolutely. Ice cream. 9.9% fish. That makes sense. Not ice cream based. Ice cream. But the ice cream down there is salty because remember they leave it outside. Yeah.

Oh, sure. But the water is so cold. Oh, yes. But the water is also wet. It's a salty ice cream. So, okay. Knowing all of this, but you didn't, knowing that you didn't, I mean, I think that sounds pretty cool, but if that didn't interest you and obviously you didn't like high school, is that when you came back here? Yes. I came back here for a life in America.

Oh, wonderful. And so this post, if I may, I'd have to ask, it's giving dad energy, you know, is that correct? Are you, are you a father by any chance no no no i was told a long time ago that my sperm is as worthless as uh uh poop what a terrible way to put it why did someone say that that's not even a medical term no what doctor told you this in my in my doctor's defense in my doctor's defense i showed up at his house drunk. Wait, wait, who showed up? I missed it. I showed up at my doctor's house drunk because I needed to know the results of the test. Oh, dear. How much time had passed since you took the test to when you got the results?

I think it was about 45 minutes. So you do the test of your sperm. Yes. You get drunk and then you go over to your doctor's house. Well, I got to be honest. I got drunk before I went to the test. Oh, sure. But after the test, I felt even more drunk.

Because after I had, you know. Sure, yeah. I had that sort of, that after. Yes. Happy hour. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was about to call it the after jizz elation,

but happy hour sounds a little bit, I think it sounds more respectable. That was another song I had to sing. I can't believe. Yes. No, just happy jizz elation. I can't believe it. You try to rhyme jizz elation.

You weren't at the Christmas cabaret, were you? No, no, I'm not allowed back in there. Where did you do the show? I did it in the lobby of a hospital. Of a hospital? Yeah, and I'm not allowed back there. Is that where you took the test? It might be where the sample was taken.

Oh, sure, absolutely. Is there screen acoustics there? They got those Polaroids up on the wall. Yeah, people who aren't allowed back in the lobby. The admitting desk. Yeah. Do not admit. So my question is, why did you get tested in the first place? Because I was in a relationship at the time.

Okay. I see. And we had been trying. Okay. And my partner at the time was like, look, I don't know what's going on with you, but I know everything of mine is fine.

Okay. Okay. So I went and checked it out and turns out it was me. And so when your doctor said your sperm was poop, which was probably a reaction to you. Well, it was worthless ass. Entering his,

what? Because I might be as worthless as poop. Perhaps. Because if he said it was poop, that's a different condition. It came, but it came out that way because he was like basically breaking and entering into his home. Yes. I knocked in the open. Oh, you did.

Yeah. But he was, I was drunk. To be fair. Okay. I was drunk. I was wearing a shirt that only covered my nipples. I think the biggest. And he was, let me tell you, I think he was on some drug too.

I think he, yeah. I think he had taken a couple of Xanax and a glass of brandy. He's in his own home. He can do what he wants. He can do whatever he wants. He wants to do a brandy Xanax combo. He wants to have a couple of Xanax and a glass of brandy, yeah. Yeah.

Long story short, the relationship didn't work out. She wanted kids and I understood that because my, as it was, again, as it was explained to me. In no uncertain terms. In no uncertain terms that the only thing my sperm will do. Okay. Is lay there. Lay there for slow and quick death, which makes no sense, right?

Because slow and quick means nothing. Sometimes this can be a genetic thing. Do you have a lot of siblings? Do you have a big family? I have a gigantic family. Oh, interesting. That's why it hurts. Yeah, that does hurt.

That really does hurt. I have 11 brothers and sisters. Wow. And do you have a bunch of nieces and nephews as well? 11 of them. Oh my goodness. They all have one each. Wow. And do you have a bunch of nieces and nephews as well? 11 of them. Oh my goodness. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, okay. So, you know, it's,

I think my family coming from such a giant family, all of us were like, well, we don't want to have to struggle like mom and pop. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, you just go down to one. Well, so then let's get let's talk about the post then, because so then I forgive me. I was wrong about sort of the dad energy. But, you know, it sort of seemed like so then so then tell me wrong. But it led to a very painful. I'm really, really sorry about that. I didn't mean to.

Sometimes I do lead us down a path. And like you said, we never know what to expect. We never do. Oh, yes. I've got a taste of my own medicine there. Um, so, so sorry. It's though, you know, I've, uh, I've made peace with that. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, uh, I guess then what, what is it about? Um, I'm assuming then from this post may, may I assume, or maybe I shouldn't anymore, um, that you don't appreciate when people complain about fireworks. This is one of those

things. Is this sort of like your main thing in the neighborhood? Sort of like your main cause that you're tired of people complaining all the time? Do I have that wrong? No, no. Well, I think you have it right partially.

Okay. I have... Okay. I've had an epiphany recently. Oh. That life's too short to complain about bullshit. Wow.

I had a near-death experience. Oh, why? I mean, wow. Yes. Why? Well, I'll tell you both. Why did you do that? I'll tell you whydeath experience. Oh, why? I mean, wow. Yes. Why did you do that? I'll tell you why and wow. Why wow? Give us the why and the wow.

No problem. 25 miles off the coast of Thailand, there's a small island called Frog Island. I took an expedition there with a cousin of mine. His name is Johnny J. Okay. J-A-Y? J-E-A-Y-Y.

J-E-A-Y. J. Okay. All right. Yes. He's a DJ. He's an exceptionally strange DJ. Johnny J the DJ.

Yes. He's a DJ from the Alps. Okay. Did you say he's an exceptionally strange DJ. Yes, he's a DJ from the Alps. Do you say he's an exceptionally strange DJ? Yeah, he's in that whole music with no music thing where it's like he's a DJ, but there's no music. Oh, you mean like where everyone has headphones on so you can't tell if he's playing anything or really doesn't play anything?

No, it's silent disco. Exactly what it is. It's like silent disco. And it's like, do you all see that anything? No, it's silent disco. Exactly what it is. It's like silent disco. And it's like, do you all see that movie? What was it? Hook? Where it's like,

you have to pretend to see the food before you can see the food. That's the same thing. You have to pretend to hear the music before he plays the music. Oh boy,

this makes me feel so old. I've never heard of this before. It's Hook? No, no. You've never heard of Hook? I've never heard of Hook. Is he great? I knew it as Hook, i but i know i know that but this whole idea of silent disco babe how do you know about it hook no silent disco silent yeah i it's not a common thing but but everybody knows about uke. Everyone knows uke.

Everyone knows uke. And so there's no music playing, but everyone pretends as if there's music. And then does it happen that eventually they're all dancing to the same beat, even though there's no music playing? No, that's the weird part of it. Because when the music does start, a lot of them are like, wait, I thought this was a waltz. Or I thought I was dancing to cumbia.

Or I thought I was dancing to hip hop. Right. I don't like it. I think it's stupid. I used to just put on music. But right now, you've got to be. It does sound like the simplest thing to do. It does.

I think right now it's so difficult to be discovered. It's so difficult to put yourself out there. Julio, this is what I was talking about. That you have to sort of work so hard to do something crazy. Yes. Crazy.

Which is like the absence of music, you know, or trying to improvise. Like, see, he gets it. Okay. I'm with you.

This is good for you. were you there? Thanks, babe. I was. Well, yeah, you were on Frog Island.

Was he doing a DJ gig or? No, no, no. He was leading the expedition. Which was, sorry, the expedition was. The expedition to go find the neon arrow point frog. Oh, like it's a species.

Yes. Oh, is this something you did often? I'm sorry, is this part of your job? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a postman. That has nothing to do with my job. Oh, okay. I went there to, so have you heard of ayahuasca?

Are you sure? Yes, yes. So this is kind of like ayahuasca, okay? But it's more powerful and it's set to- Oh, like you lick it? Huh? Like a frog that you lick? You, so you take the frog-

I guess that's a no. Swing and a miss. You take the frog. No, I mean, it's a little- I put myself out there. I don't know why I keep doing it. I feel like I feel comfortable with you all. I can tell you exactly how take the frog. No, I mean, it's a little. I put myself out there. I know I keep doing it. I feel like I feel comfortable with you all. I can tell you exactly how you do this.

Oh, okay. You take the frog. He's looking only at me. And you're ramming. Sorry. No, no, it's okay. I like it. You take the frog and you cram it in your.

Oh, no. Poop chute. Oh, what? You put the frog in your rectum. How big or small is this frog? This frog is gigantic. I think estimated about 19.

Oh no, that big? 19 kilograms. Wait. 19 kilograms. I'm not that familiar with the metric system. Me neither. But I'm going to guess that if he says it's gigantic, it must mean he's heavy?

Both. Yes. Both. Wide and heavy. You don't keep it in there too long, thank God. Here's the mistake I made. Okay, so this is what you were here to do. You were here to put this frog in your butt.

Yes, in so many words. I did that, but guess what? That's one way to phrase it, your butt. Yes. In so many words. I did that. But guess what? That's one way to phrase it, I suppose. Right. Right. That's one way to phrase it. Do you share?

Do you all share one frog or you just hope to get enough frogs for everyone? We do share one frog. And yes, the question is this frog is 100% into it. Oh, okay. That makes sense. No, I was concerned as someone who's been a member of ASPCA for over 36 years. Oh, good for you.

I was really concerned. I said, I'm not putting this animal in my rectum. This is not right for the animal. And my friend Johnny just said, no, no, no. I assure you it's fine. Okay. All right. This is the craziest part. I kid you not. I took a look at the frog. This frog winked at me.

Wow. Almost like. Before you did it. Yes. Okay. Call me crazy. I know that's crazy. Okay.

But I am telling you, this frog wanted to be in my poop hole. Maybe he's used to it because a lot of people come to do that. Well, it makes a lot of money. Oh, you pay the frog. Yes, of course. Oh, it wasn't implied for me. Was it for you, Burns? How do you?

I didn't assume that for sure. All right. Yeah, I bet 2,500 crickets. Oh, okay. Oh, that makes sense. They don't care about money. No, they don't. It's a frog.

What are we in crazy town yeah yeah that would be crazy if the frog's like hey give me $200 so I can pay my rent yeah it's like

he's talking and he wants money it's a lot of things but the frog can count and has a price the frog has rudimentary skills we're talking about we're talking about

a species of frog that has been in a remote island for God knows how long. These animals have evolved to an incredible level of intelligence. They don't want you to know about this. The government doesn't want you to know about this. I swear I'm not one of those crazy conspiracy people. But the government doesn't want you to know about these highly intelligent frogs that when shoved all the way up.

All the way up. Pie hole. All the way up. Of course. It's got to go where. You the way up you're just banging your pie hole. All the way up. Did you call it a pie hole? Yeah, a pie hole. I don't know if that's usually what happens eventually. I was on the assumption that any type of hole will sort of represent

you know, without getting too gross, obviously. It might be too late. I'm so sorry about that. I did want to be honest about the whole course. you know, without getting too gross. It might be too late. Oh, so I'm so sorry. I did want to be honest about the whole course. I think it's hard to not understand this. It's hard to understand the story.

If you don't let us know what happened. So this frog winks at you. And then what? You say this was a near death experience. What happened next? Because I put the wrong frog in my butt. No. How is that possible?

I didn't know there was another frog present. Oh, there was like three. This is frog Island for Christ's sake. I mean, you literally can't go a foot without being accosted by multiple frogs. And of course, they're all wanting money. They're all wanting crickets. Yes.

It's sick. It's sick to feel that you can't step somewhere without somebody wanting something. Are there human inhabitants on Frog Island as well? No, just frogs. Okay. So there's no one there to tell you, hey, don't give these people any. No. Don't give these frogs any crickets.

And try going to the airport. It's a fucking disaster there. Try getting some help from these fucking frogs. It's a mess. It's a mess. I don't like to go to someone's country and say it's a mess. I'm not the ugly American, but this place is a mess. Infrastructure, trash.

Sure. Well, it does sound like it. Yeah. But okay. So then what happened? So you choose the wrong frog. So here's the thing. The type of frog that I was supposed to put in my rectum is the type of frog you can't consume.

If you consume the poison, you die. It has to penetrate through your bloodstream rectally. Oh, wow. This was the opposite. This frog, you can consume the poison just in small amounts, just for the effect, but if you shove it up your pie hole,

it could be very, very destructive. Within 25 seconds, I was singing the blues. Literally. I was singing I was singing Ain't No Sunshine when she's gone.

Bill Withers. Yes. Sure. And I don't even know that song. Wow. Within 45 seconds I was profusely vomiting, profusely singing the blues. Oh, at the same time? Yes. Were you at the I know, I know, I know, I know.

Yeah, but it was more like. Oh, no. I don't know. I'm never going to get it alone. Oh, well, hey, you're pretty good. Thank you. No, I didn't know the song before it happened. Now I know it.

Never forget it. Because of the experience. Of course. It was very scary. I've told this experience to some people like, oh, this is interesting. No, it's not interesting. It was scary. I was really scared.

I was going to say, this could be like a TED Talk. Mutually exclusive. It was very scary. Now, let me tell you what else was going on. A fever of 106. Oh, Lord. That is high. That is high.

At its lowest. Oh, my goodness. At its highest, they estimated 150. And who's they who's they the frog doctors oh worst doctors i've ever seen sure you don't want to well you don't want to complain but terrible those numbers might not even be accurate they might not yeah i mean i was and i don't even want to ask how they took your temperature. Correctly, of course. But my point was, I was literally hallucinating. Hallucinating from literally hallucinating.

But not in the good way that you were hoping to. No, in the worst way possible. What's happening? What's your DJ friend doing at this point? Sorry, before we get into that, let me ask. What is the optimum circumstance? What is the optimum result? When you do it correctly, what is supposed to happen?

Do you have visions of some kind? I think optimally what happens is you're supposed to have a vision of your inner child. Oh, okay. You see that child. You tell that child everything's going to be okay. All the stuff that happened to you back then, that's back then. We're safe now. And then that inner child disappears.

And when you're awakened from it, you've resolved in. We're safe now. And then that inner child disappears and when you're awakened from it, you've resolved a lot of issues. Wow. But the poison that I had, which was never supposed to be rectal, ever, it does the complete opposite. It shows you your most

worst nightmare and tells you it's not going anywhere, baby. And it's so creepy. Sounds like the WB frog or the frog that you used to see that would always sing and talk. Yeah, but creepier. Creepier. Like even creepier.

Like just creepy in a way you don't want. Like just like, hey, does this feel good? Oh, that's terrible. That's disgusting. Don't talk to me like that. That's disgusting. Okay't talk to me like that. Again, okay, so right. So now, so your friend does he get to do it correctly

and have a good experience? Johnny J? No, he disappeared. He disappeared? I haven't seen Johnny J for over 25 years. Oh my lord. That's crazy. That's how long ago this was? Believe it or not, yes. You may have told us that

and I forgot. Yes. No, I didn't. I never said the date. I don't think he did. But Johnny J, we had it almost when we got married. Yes. Wow. You don't think? Yes. You all been married for 25 years? Yeah. We like to not sort of like put too fine a point on it, but yes. Did you have a DJ in your wedding?

We did and he played actual music. We were one of those random old people. No, it definitely wasn't random old people. No, I couldn't have been Johnny J. Did you pay the DJ with money? Oh, yes. Johnny J only takes fly. Oh my

God. What? Johnny J was a frog. No. Yes. No. Now it makes sense. He took me over there. A frog? No, a frog. But when it comes to being a DJ, he was a fucking fraud.

He was a fraud frog. Wow. Yes. It just hit me right now. How long had you known him? I had known Johnny J since I was about, I think, three years old. We were in junior high together. I went to junior high at a very early age. Yes. It was a huge mistake.

Oh, okay. I mean, you could have been friends at three and then also went to junior high together without you having gone to junior high at three years old. But that's wild. They all happened to get the same time. They all happened to get the same time.

It was a huge mistake because I didn't even know what two plus two was. Of course not. Why did they send you to junior high so early? Again, it's so competitive. My parents were leaving.

It's so competitive now. Your parents were leaving. Yeah. They were going on some cruise. Oh, goodness. They went on a cruise for about nine months. What's a wild backstory? Gilligan's Island was based on my parents. No way. They went on a cruise for about nine months. What? You have a wild backstory. Gilligan's

Island was based on my parents. No way. They went on a nine month cruise and they got shipwrecked onto an island that later on was called Catalina Island. Oh, I'm familiar with Catalina Island. Maybe they weren't shipwrecked. Maybe they just went there for a while.

It's where the buffalo were. The buffalo? Were they Rome? Yes, it is where the buffalo were. In Catalina Island? I would also say Gilligan's Island is an old show, and you don't look quite that old that your parents had an experience that this TV show that literally started in black and white was based on. No, I understand, but my parents had me at age, I think my mom was 72.

Wow. Yes, yes. Oh, she was one of those miracle mothers. She was a Guinness Book of Records oldest woman to have was 72. Wow. Yes, yes. Oh, she was one of those miracle mothers. She was a Guinness Book of Records oldest woman in the Habitat. Wow. Another guest recently who gave birth at a very advanced age. Oh, yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

I can't remember who, but yeah, this is interesting. My father was, I think, 103. Wow. Good for him. Good for him. So now you're saying after this experience, and now you've also just realized that your friend was a frog, but after that experience,

that's when you decided to hell with complaining about bullshit. I almost died. So you came back to Dignity Falls. Were you living in Dignity Falls at the time? You came back here. I came back to Dignity Falls and I said, I'm going to make a life here. And what do you do? What do I came back to Dignity Falls and I said, I'm going to make a life here. And what do you do?

What do I do now? Yes. I want a company where we produce staples. I thought you said you're a postman. Huh? Oh yeah, that's right. Okay. Can I be honest? I am a postman. Please be honest. I am embarrassed that I'm a postman, but I kind of feel bad.

I am embarrassed that I'm a postman. Why? I'm sorry. You can't be any worse than that one guy, Jojo, who puts the mail in his mouth. Sometimes I don't know if that's paying attention, but he's keeping him honest today. He really is.

He's our stenographer. Remember Jojo, who puts the mail in his mouth? Yes, I do. That was another guest we had. That guy should be embarrassed. Yes. There's no need to be embarrassed. Why are you so embarrassed?

My dad wanted me to be a doctor and before he died, I told him I'm a doctor. Wait, before he died? Yeah. Oh, he made it to 103. Okay. I see.

I didn't, I wasn't sure if he was still alive or not. Okay. No, no. He's been dead for a while. How old were you when your father passed? If you don't mind my asking. My dad died about three weeks ago.

Oh, this is so fresh. I'm so sorry. weeks ago oh this is so fresh i'm so sorry i'm so sorry for your life wait a minute i thought that's why i'm not crying it's hard to keep up and that's why you're not crying no because i was like at this point i was like i want i can't wait till they die so you're expecting it for sure well yeah i'm sure he was tired of being alive it's tough to have elderly parents would really yeah i mean he was he was in the hospital for for all that time and you know and his bill was about, I think, $49 million. And we know you weren't allowed to visit the hospital. So we know you were allowed, well, unless it was a different hospital.

If it was the one where you're not allowed in the lobby, I imagine you couldn't go see him. Yes, that was the same one. That was the same one. Good to clear that up. They said that was coming too much. Oh, well, I should hope they would never say that. Wait, now there's so many threads.

I don't even know which one to pull. But I think I want to go back to Postman. And so are you saying that the Staples thing isn't real and you were merely Postman and you just thought that Staple thing was cool? I just was thinking maybe the Staple thing, you all would be like, oh, wow, that's awesome. You know, I-

Can I be honest? Can I be honest? When he said Postman, I just said be like, oh, wow, that's awesome. You know, I. Can I be honest? Can I be honest? When he said Postman, I just said, oh, lovely. Sure. Really? Absolutely. Yes. Really?

There's nothing to be embarrassed about? Joan loves the movie The Postman with Kevin Costner. I do. I really do. The post-apocalyptic film. Yes. That's a really depressing movie, right? Yes.

Yeah. I mean, I really just love Kevin. But you find it very uplifting. I do. I just love, I love Kevin Costner. What is it about him? My aunt loves Kevin Costner. do. I just love Kevin Costner. What is it about him? My aunt loves Kevin Costner. He's in love with Kevin Costner.

He's rugged. He also seems like he would be calm in any situation. He's not going to surprise you with his acting choices. Yes. There you go. He's got the one speed. Yes. Predictable.

It's medium. Nothing that's going to sort of startle you in any way. If he was a car from the 80s, he would always be in like fourth gear. That's kind of his thing. Just like. Okay, yeah. It's never great, never bad. Always fairly forgettable.

Able to yell without raising his voice. Always got the same expression. Always. Always. I can picture it right now. you can set your watch to it can I ask I've always been fascinated with this

is it like how important is masculinity to the attraction level for a woman some women will say masculinity is in the eye of the beholder. Some will say it's important. Some will say it's not important. Some will say,

how did you get in my house? I mean, honestly, I'm also working on the type five. That's, that's part of the type five. Yeah. But I've been told,

don't say that because it could come off as like. Well, I think what you're asking is such a large. Sounds like a David Blaine situation. That's exactly like this is to David Blaine. Don't use that. He's going to sue you for some type of infringement. I would say what I think a lot of women respond to is more of a sense of the caretaker, the person who's going to. And again, this is strange because I also listen, it opens up a whole entire big thing because women want to also know they can do things for themselves.

But there is something about and there's also, oh, boy, there's a lot of father stuff with there. Right. Like someone who has that kind of energy where they're they're in control and you can actually, you know, go to them and you know, you'll be safe. There's a lot of sort of almost instinctual, like a lizard brain type things, right? That probably happen in a lady's brain. I don't know, I mean, I'm looking at burnt because there's no woman to look at. So I'm looking and I'm realizing, oh, I'm the only one and no one else can chime in here. Joan, I'm not going to lie. And I'm not blaming you for for this I had a really hard time following that well of course you did and you know what I bet you there's women at home

just going yep yep I think I forgot where we started and then I didn't know what was going on oh like you weren't even forgetting the question I was answering do you know what it was? I was thinking about the fireworks again oh my gosh we've gotten so far afield

this is one of the interviews where we've got where we have we have we've talked about it the least yes exactly and that was my fault no i don't know it's your fault no this show exists so we get to know our neighbors yes and this is what we are doing we only go back to the post sometimes if there's usually a mystery to be solved in it right and i think that also is different because the nature of this post is more of just someone commenting. May I say that it, it feels like it was a little passive aggressive.

Like maybe you have been frustrated with people in the neighborhood of complained about things. And now that you're saying you had this near death experience, do you feel that people in the neighborhood are maybe more superficial and they're worried about the wrong things? Not to mention the fact that you're a postman, so you probably know all sorts of dirt on neighbors, right? You see all sorts of things as a postman, no?

Are you reading the mail? No, I don't mean that way. I don't read all of them, but I do read the ones that look interesting. Oh, wow. What? Hold on. Just to make sure.

I don't know if you want to admit that. No, I mean, oh, shit. I mean, I read the ones that are that. No, I mean, oh, shit. I mean, I read the ones that are open. No, I mean, I... You know what? We could edit this out for you. We can. Off the record, I do sometimes read them

just because some of them look really sexy. Now, what would constitute a sexy letter? Then you can just tell by looking at it. You can just tell or holding on to it. I bet this one's sexy. Well, one that the corners have been burnt. Oh. Right?

Oh, sure. If someone sprayed either cologne or perfume on it. You're talking Doug's language now. Yeah. And you immediately know this is a love letter. So I've read a lot of love letters. And let me tell you, half the people in this town are either cheating on each other, cheating with each other, cheating to each other, or cheating

near each other. I didn't know there were so many ways to cheat. Oh my God, there's a million. And you're saying they're confessing these via a written letter. Yes. Well, there's enough information, I guess, to know that they're meant to. Huh? Yes.

Which makes no sense to me. You know, I mean, in some ways I'm shocked that people are still writing letters in this day and age of love, you know? I think it's the aspect of the- Why are they including their Instagram angles? I mean, it's always kind of like, you know, as always, please follow me at- As always!

As always! Hit that subscribe button. The idea of putting that in a written letter is very, I'm having a hard time with it. It's sick what we've got to as a culture. But I will say this. I was just, you know, expanding on the fact how wonderful people were doing something old fashioned like a letter. But yes, you're right.

They put their handle in it. So what's the point? I guess it's part of modern life. It's a part of the modern psychosis society. But I will tell you this. After my brush with death, and it wasn't even a brush. It was a full. It's a part of the modern psychosis society. But I will tell you this. After my brush with death, and it wasn't even a brush. It was a full shower.

Not a brush, but a shower. The heightening of a brush. Right. I mean, it's called brush shower. You go into a bathroom, you brush your hair. These are bathroom rules. A bigger thing than that to do is to take a shower. That's right.

You do your hair until it's to do is to take a shower. That's right. You do your hair until it's ready. Then you take a shower. But now when someone complains about something small, oh, you don't like the sound of fireworks? Put stuff something in your ear until it's over. Oh, you don't like getting the vaccine? Oh. Shut up.

Okay. You don't want to, I don't know. You don't want to walk your dog. Tell it to the judge. These are real strong takes. You're going to sue him. You want, yeah, I don't know. You want insulin cheaper? Get a second job. You know, don't complain. Are you sure

you're not someone's dad? No, but what I am is someone that no longer believes in complaining. Okay. Can I? That's very. I hate to point this out. Okay,

what? I feel like what you're doing is complaining. Oh, dear. Because you could have. You used a deer. You could have,

Hulu. You could have enjoyed. I'm sorry. You used a deer when I've used deer before. Okay, but babe, that's what I'm talking to you.

Oh, dear is a phrase that can be used. That's true, Doug. That's not one of your, you get, what is it, two a month? You get to give Jonah hard deer in a sarcastic way. Because Julio, I think what you're doing is, like with the fireworks, like a perfect example. Yes, people do complain about the fireworks for various reasons.

There are small pets there are veterans who have issues with that don't go to war it's so silly for the second you used that in this example I thought nope that's going to be a bad one the draft is a choice

but you could enjoy just the absence of complaints without going on there to say you didn't do the thing that bothered me and just enjoy the fact that they didn't do it. That's a good point. With all due respect, my post wasn't a complaint. My post was a congratulations. It was a thank you. So did you, okay.

All right. So what, I understand tone is a thing again in social media and with text. I think we both sort of inferred that there was a sarcastic sort of. 1,000%. Yes. Right. So do you not. And even the way you were saying things now did,

did lead me to believe that it was kind of dismissive and kind of aggressive. With all due respect, the first post I wrote maybe was not as appropriate. It was like, if, if I hear someone complain about Star Wars again, if I hear someone complain about Star Wars again,

I'm going to shoot fireworks into your house. Wow. That is. I changed that. That is okay. I changed that. Then I said, if I hear someone complain about fireworks again, I'm going to make sure I'm going to.

What did I say? Oh, yeah. I'm going to make sure you catch non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Oh, no. And that there are no MRI machines in the entire state that will be able to test. I don't even know how that would be possible. It's not. But I'm just trying to get.

I'm just trying to, like, scare people. It's a scare tactic. Obviously, I have no control over this. I've never even seen an MRI machine. I refuse to. Oh, why is that? Too many letters. Three?

I mean, there's more letters in machine. Right, but that's a word, not an acronym. What's your ideal number of letters for an acronym? Two. Absolutely. Please. Please. B.C. Before Christ. A.D. After Christ. You don't like that?

Is this part of the tight five? Ooh, that's a good idea. Well, you said you don't like that like we didn't laugh. He's getting the pad and pen. Better than my last joke, which is like, hey, I just came down from Florida, and boy, are my arms exhausted. Oh, I mean.

You just came down from Florida. There's many parts that actually I think might have led to that not working. Probably crossed that one out, yeah. Well, it is true. It does seem like you are bothered by a lot of things um and uh the same things you all are bothered by oh i don't know there's a few in there that i yeah like star wars people complaining about it doesn't really get to me just the nature of being but like i don't know that i would ever make sure someone got nod hodgkin's lymphoma

in any in any scenario. As I said, there is no way I could do that. If I could find some type of just sort of like cell matter where I can inject that to someone and use that as a real threat, I would have done it years ago. Why?

What are you talking about? Why would you do that? You seem like a very nice fellow, but that's a sort of scary thing to say. I'm sorry. It's just like the human beings. There's no. How else do you get people to do do what you want them to do?

Then inject themselves into them. If I can just say, is it really wrong to preach noncompliance? I'm sorry. What's noncompliance? I'm sorry, what was non-compliance? You mean non-complaining? Yes. Okay. But I wanted it to sound more official

like non-compliance, but not the word compliance. So I put them both together. Neither makes sense. Gotcha. It's a sticky wicket for sure. Here's my question. You know, Julio,

one time that you didn't seem bothered was when you talked about that underwater submarine society. And I just wonder if you think about that a little bit, if you can remember them. Did anything about, yeah, trust me,

Doug wants to move there. I'm imagining that maybe things are different under there. Do they have different rules? Is it a more peaceful place? Uh, uh, if that is your home,

have you ever thought about me moving back home, exploring what it's like? Do things get better where they are wetter? Uh, if I could just say nothing is better down where it's wetter. Uh, I take it from him. The reason why I don't complain about adults, people have seen

Nah, I'm I remember growing up in college, all the fellas between us because we're adults, obviously, they would call me sand dick because it said nothing will get a woman's vagina drier faster than your dick. Wow.

I mean, they were right. First of all, that is such a mean thing to say. I mean, this is... I haven't heard something so mean in a while. That's just terrible. I should have talked to my dermatologist. What did your dermatologist say? Boy, this sounds like the setup.

It does. What did she say? He said, hey, what are you doing in my house? Again? These aren't funny. You need to stop going to doctor's houses. Oh, wait. Okay.

Okay. Now I need to know, is there, how much of this has been fodder for the tight five and how much of this are actual experiences that you've had? No, no, no, please. Have we been had? No, I resent that. None of it is fodder for the tight five and how much of this are actual experiences that you've had? No, no, no, please. No, I resent that. None of it is fodder. I came here to speak the truth. But then you say things like, is that good?

That's true. He has said that a few times. I just said a few jokes because I don't usually have several people in front of me that I could maybe work with. I understand. Honestly, I don't know what to say I mean there's there's so much going on with you I think you need to find your inner peace and the thing is if if you if stand-up really is your passion I I I would um

I would pursue that and maybe you'll find that that the stuff that bothers you the most, you know, the stuff that seems to be making you so upset. Perhaps you could just like use that energy to drive that that's a better use of sort of these sort of these little these uh what do you call them peccadillos or whatever that you have with with humanity better than you know a post on the neighborhood listen you know like maybe you could do a five minutes on on fireworks and it's sort of you know how sometimes these comics who are very kind of rageful but it's sort of funny you know i mean they get so angry oh my god you just gave me the greatest idea so like i could do i could do a whole act i could do a whole act on like you know if you complain about fireworks i'll make sure you catch no no no i would not do you know let's just say that's cut that's cut okay

that's that's no that's that's it's out okay yeah it had yeah it doesn't even get any more tries it doesn't get any more stage time yeah yeah I wouldn't make like direct or indirect threats to anybody in your standup. Um, uh, because I think that's just not, Oh, I don't know. Maybe just the best way to get people on your side. I'm like, I hope you catch this. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even. We just skip the, cause you know what? Those are really, that's not really a joke, right?

What you want in your fact are jokes. I mean, hope does sound more positive, but in this instance- That's being very generous, Bart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think maybe if you get further away from things you want to do, you know what you're also doing?

And this is not necessarily your fault because you have these, it sounds like you have these friends that have given you a bad time. It sounds like, you know, you were absolutely misled by your friend who was a frog. Oh my God. So I think what you're doing is you're only not only in life but on stage expecting everybody to already be against you so you're already coming out you know guns a blazing

you know like well you don't like it i'm gonna and no one's done anything yet you know so just remember that people are there to have a good time. Just like we're here to just have a conversation. We're not against you, you know? So I think if you lead more with just, hey, who likes fireworks? You ever, I'm not a standup. I have no idea what to do. But you just talk about- That's a good start though.

Hey, Jonah's pretty good. No, no, no. It had the beginnings of a solid bit. Hey, hey, Who likes fireworks? Well, you're just inviting the audience in. Something like, hey, what's worse? AIDS? Hay is crucial.

AIDS or God? You must start with hay. I think that we've established you start with hay. If you're going to do comedy, you better start with hay. Hey, what's worse? Diabetes or AIDS? No, no, no. What's the difference?

Either way, you get no sugar. Julio. I mean, I just thought maybe like. Julio, what makes, what do you think is funny about saying that? Because this is what we want to be is funny. I just think it's shocking and funny. Yeah, no, see, if shocking is the first word, then we don't want it in the act. You know what I mean?

I think it's because I'm not a comedian. I don't have joke writing skills. Can I say that's weird and disgusting that will immediately get people's attention? Do you want to be a comedian? Let's start there. No, my grandfather's forcing me. Your grandfather? He's still alive.

He's still alive? He misses his son, my dad. Ever since my dad died, he's just been a mess. Why does it have anything to do with missing your dad? He wants you to be a stand-up comedian. My grandfather is

whatchamacallit Lenny Bruce. What? Really? And he's not dead? He's the famous Lenny Bruce yes you know what his style of comedy makes a little sense a more sense now

his sort of brash yeah and I don't want to be like that why did he fake his death or was his death faked by someone else I mean I can't I don't like to talk about this in public but since this is not public technically, well, we're in a private house.

Sure, we do have listeners though. But we are recording this. We are recording it. We'll go out for public consumption. Just so, I mean. Tomato, tomato, I guess. So the same people that covered up the JFK killing is the same people that covered up when he disappeared

and the same people that covered up when he disappeared and the same people that covered up Biggie and Tupac leaving together and you're not a conspiracy guy no

no I think I really think that you should visit I think you should visit your homeland I think you need to go back and I think you need to be

underwater with the people I really do I would encourage you to take a pilgrimage I really would I think you need to go back there I think. I really do. I would encourage you to take a pilgrimage. I really would. I think you need to go back there. I think there's answers back there for you. There's no parks underwater.

No, that's too bad. When do you get the right frog this time? Huh? No, babe, no. The frog is not, nope, that's not the frog. I wouldn't go back there. No, but definitely not go back there. I would not go back there.

If I can just say, coming here, I've learned one thing. That you could sit there and complain about other people's complaints all you want. But when you do, you become part of the problem. All this time, I thought I was a solution, but you all made me realize that I was the problem. I'm going to kill myself. No, just kidding. Part of the type five. Wow. No, no, no.

Part of the type five. It needs a lot of- No, but I feel much better. They say that at McLeary's a lot. That was shocking. That was shocking. That was shocking. I really didn't. And you know what?

That was a real trick because I was very excited that you felt like you learned a lesson. I did learn a lesson. I did too. I was like, oh, we got through to somebody. Nope. Which seldom happens on the show.

It actually does seldom happen. And once again, it hasn't. It seldom happens and once again, it hasn't. But I still wish you well because we always say that. Yes, best of luck to you. Yes, best of luck to you. Thank you so much. There's no shame in being a postman.

So good dusk to you. There is shame in reading people's mail, though. So don't stop doing that, okay? Well, I mean, it's less shameful, more legal, but I'll stop, of course. I've learned a lot today, and I'm going to apply it all to my life. And I want to thank you all for that. That was great to hear.

Thank you, Julio. All right. Well, we'll have more when the Neighborhood Listen returns. Hi, this is Susan. I have a Sega Palm for free. If anyone is capable to remove properly, you could have this. Direct message me. So as you can see in the picture, it's a Sega Palm. And what I'm offering for free is what I'd like actually is for someone to come and remove this Sega Palm for free. to come and remove this Sega Palm for free. You can have it. You know what I mean?

You need to bring your equipment. You need to bring, it looks like, it looks really in there, so you're gonna need like jackhammers and stuff like that, but you gotta bring all that stuff. I mean, I'm not gonna pay for any of it. Because, well, look at what you're getting. You're getting a Sega Palm for free.

Look at this thing. It's kind of like in the shape of a backwards J. You could make it into some fun things for the holidays, maybe like a Hawaiian snowman. Also, if anyone wants any dirt for free, you can come and vacuum it up from my rung, or you can sponge it off of my car for free. You know, if you're missing your grandkids or even just being around kids, you can come and you can watch my grandkids for free. Like literally nothing. I'm not going to charge you anything.

I might go to the grocery store and whatnot. I don't understand. This is a great deal. So I guess I guess unless you don't like free stuff, don't call me. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, well, I listen. And welcome back to The Neighborhood. Listen well. I don't know. Julio is a troubled person.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I guess I just didn't realize how deep we were going to go on this journey talking to our neighbors. But it has gotten wild. It truly has. It truly has. But I think it's a, I was going to say testament to, but that's really the right word.

Can I just follow whatever it is you were going to say? Yeah. I do think there's something about maybe just us or the environment. There's got to be something about the chemistry that makes people just sort of like tell us crazy things. They really do. They all forget they're on a podcast. I'm not sure that Julio knew at all

that this was a podcast since he said this isn't for public consumption. He seems surprised. Maybe he doesn't even understand what a podcast is. He seems surprised. He seems surprised. Yeah.

But people just open up, you know? It's interesting. It's sometimes terrifying. It's very scary. Yeah, yeah. And do you think, what is it with the postman here in this town? Well, so that we always just say postman.

No one ever says mailman. We're only. Mailman. God. I've never even heard that. Sounds weird. Mailman. I think that, that must be a regional thing.

It's also redundant. It must be, yeah. It's also, no. Because I, because my, what did you say? He said it's redundant. Do you mean to say reductive? No, he thinks it's M-A-L-E-M-A-N. Maybe I should go to Nick Reary's.

Maybe you should. You know what, babe? I bet you actually would kill if you run up. If they don't have any terrible nicknames for you, then you'd probably be safe. Oh, gosh, how about that? That was really terrible. It's tough because he sounds like he does not have anybody that's really

in his corner, but then he also seems like kind of an unpleasant person. Yes, I mean, it didn't, we didn't talk about friends. We didn't talk about he lost his, you know, he doesn't have a girlfriend anymore. He's a chicken or the egg. His family or Yeah. Nature or nurture. I mean, again, all of those things you just mentioned would bother him.

And he would probably say they were conspiracy and something that they didn't want us to know. That was wild. So early on, he said he's not a conspiracy guy. I know, so early on. He crammed in like eight of them at the end. Yeah. Yeah, that was interesting. Oh, goodness. Anyways, well, we have a

poster speaking of interesting that I haven't ever seen one like this before. Oh, interesting. This comes from Phil. Phil. a poster speaking of interesting that i haven't ever seen one like this before and oh interesting um this comes from phil phil yep and uh he says hello friends i am looking for a good christian chiropractor any recommendations now what what what this is a serious post what first of all i'm not sure that anyone is even allowed to phone an office or a place of business and demand what the religion of the of the of the person is i'm not sure i think i mean sometimes they advertise it if they'd like to um but i would like to think that he would have done a quick google search himself sure to find that um and then

probably found absolutely nothing absolutely nothing because is that even a thing i don't because does it mean does it mean a chiropractor who is also a christian or is there something that is specifically christian chiropractic that we don't know about oh like they have like a specific method yes a laying on of hands i don't know about. Oh, like they have like a specific method? Yes, a laying on of hands. I don't know, prayer is involved. Are you put on a cross and that's the adjustment? Boy, oh boy. I don't know.

I mean, there is like a gravity thing, of course, that you can do. Fair enough. You wouldn't believe how it lengthens your spine. He was hanging from a bar. He was, he was. Yeah. We're talking about Jesus Christ. We're talking about Jesus Christ.

We're talking about Jesus Christ. And, but also is it just sort of like, you know, I would almost understand sort of like, there are times when ladies will ask for like a female masseuse or they're not comfortable with like a male, you know. So I'm trying to figure out what's the, is it a comfort level of some sort? Like, I don't want anyone who doesn't share in my belief.

That is the question. It's like, do you just want to be with someone else who's Christian, regardless of whether or not their skill as a chiropractor is best? Or like you're saying, is it that a Christian chiropractor is better skill wise? What if an agnostic touched me? Yes.

I'd feel it forever. Maybe he's worried. It's kind of funny. Go on, babe. Go on, babe. Go on, babe. Dennis Miller. Speaking of a tight five. I'd feel it forever but it is kind of funny go on babe go on babe speaking of a tight five hey babe

this might be odd but I was just thinking like when they're cracking your back and they hear a loud crack your natural reaction might be go, Jesus Christ. Oh, I see. Right. So he wants... Jesus.

But why would he want a chiropractor that was Christian? Because he would think he couldn't say that in front of him. Yeah. That doesn't make sense. He either wants it or he doesn't want that. Okay. Ooh, I think you're right. I think it can be narrowed down to those two. But it is funny that we're talking about a chiropractor,

which I think many people believe is its own sort of, what do I want to say? Scam a little bit. Yes. Yeah, there are people who just think it's not real science and yeah, there's no such thing. Right, and that's what many people could say and do say about religion so absolutely interesting that you want a christian chiropractor it's almost like you're saying a nothing nothing do you think this

is this is that firebrand comedian ricky gervais trolling the chiropractic industry god if he's if he's here in Dignity Falls, if he's just going on different neighbor houses. Just all over the place. Just causing mayhem. Just so he can get somebody to push on his spine and he can say, I know what you believe is a fairy tale. Oh, gosh.

I guess, Bernd, that's probably the most logical solution. Yeah, I don't. I mean, of all the, I mean, but you can, you as a customer can ask someone if they're a Christian at a business. They don't have to tell you. And also they don't have to tell the truth. How do you know that they're going to?

They also don't have to tell the truth. Exactly. If they think you're going to get the business, they just go, yeah, sure. I'm Christian. Yeah. Amen. If the person wants to pray before the procedure. Procedure.

Again, we're giving it a lot of, have you ever been to chiropractor burnt? No, I never have. Because I was, I was so terrified of them. Yeah. From seeing something, you know, somebody that I, that I dated many years ago used to ask me to, to crack her back. Oh, uh-huh. And I was always terrified when I, you know, she would tell me, here's what you do.

And I would do it, but it always absolutely scared me. I'm going to paralyze this person. Yes. Yes. It's terrifying. That never happened, but I don't. I went one time and really had that thing where it's like, if you had told me what she was going to do, I would have ran screaming from the building. What did they do?

Oh, I was down on a, almost like a bench for weightlifting, you, it was kind of what it looked like, but just raised up a little bit. Right. And, and it was just like Jesus was on the third day. And I don't know. I mean, it really, I would have said that what it probably looked like was that she broke my neck, you know, was it for your neck? You had a specific neck problem. I had a neck problem i mean now here's the thing it really fixed it well yeah i know i mean some people swear by it they do some people swear by it but they're not christian people you don't you shouldn't swear if you're a christian if you're a real christian you wouldn't swear or you know and then and then

the other thing is like is this sort of that thing like does anyone know any um uh vegan architects around you know like is this a is this someone looking for a partner because it feels like maybe you know what i mean hey any any christian chiropractors like that that's their wish list you know what i mean yeah they're just trying to find a life partner that could be it too hey any uh any luddite millionaires out there just asking i would just be more comfortable with a luddite millionaire i like that angle i think that that's i think that might be possible but that's what's happening here because otherwise that is too it's not part of the process out of left field it's just wild yes who what well I hope this person finds his Christian chiropractor and that we see the Hallmark movie about it next year

does Hallmark ever get religious in those things oh god there it is without being so do you know what yeah exactly yes no It's very clear. Like the idea of faith is implied, but it's not like they don't mention Jesus or anything, right? No, but they don't have to. It's so clear. Right. I literally did have a friend that wrote a few movies and said that their notes were incredibly religious. Wow, really?

Like conservative and like, again, without saying it, but kind of saying it. Yes. You know, I remember once talking to someone who was writing a Hallmark movie. I don't know if it was officially a Hallmark movie or just one of those adjacent sort of things. And it was, of course, it was a Christmas movie. And of course, it was about a snowman who came to life. Of course. He was a hunky guy, right? It sounds like one of our interviews.

Yes. And then I saw some announcement about it and I wrote to this friend of mine and said, Hey, congratulations. Said that's not the one that I'm writing. So there were two of them. Oh boy. Well, anyways, uh, what was his name? Uh, his name was Phil. Was it Phil? Phil. Phil. I think so. Uh, uh yes phil i really hope that you found your christian chiropractor i we wish you all and also was not was not specific uh in terms of gender so you know um and that man that maybe didn't matter all that matter was christian and chiropractor there you go and i hope it's happily ever after happily ever crack crackter no good

high five I mean I think you want to put it on his feet and see what people say okay we'll do that but what's going on was that the pottery wheel I'm on the pottery wheel I got stuck on the wheel so it's not just a room to store ceramics you got stuck on the wheel

are you sitting on the wheel spinning around? Yes. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Rule number three, no ghosts. I'm on the wheel, Joe. I'm sure we're not allowed to play that. Maybe we talk over it. It's fine.

Well, that's all the time we have for this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll be back next week with more. Until then, goodbye. And bye. I can't hit the notes. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins.

And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Payam Banifaz. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.