The Neighborhood Listen - No Murder Or Sex Stuff with Mitra Jouhari

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

The Neighborhood Listen is back! To kick off the new season, Burnt, Joan and Doug travel to Los Angeles to perform the show LIVE at The Dynasty Typewriter. Joining them is Ari (Mitra Jouhari) who is looking for a local crime to solve.To unlock the ad-free version of this episode as well as gain access to all new episodes of THE BONUS ROOM, a dedicated Discord channel, and a ton of other podcasts, sign up for a MAXIMUS plan at cbbworld.com!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Give it up right now for The Neighborhood Listen. Oh, hello. My goodness. How wonderful to see you all. How wonderful. And at home. Anybody watching from home.

Everyone watching at home. We have a lot of people watching from home. There's 10 times as many people watching from home. There are literally 10 times as many people, but thank you for being here in the flesh. Thank you for being here. We love you. It's so good to see you.

I don't know if I'm prepared to say that I love them, but I... Burns, you always take a little more time. He only said that to me a week ago. I know, but I was half asleep, and Joan called me in the middle of the night and I picked up the phone and I just said, I love you. I didn't even know I was talking to you.

But I'm glad I said it. Yes. I was too. We should. We're so glad you're here. But we haven't properly started the episode. Nope. Not until. We do our famous theme song. Right. And so if you know it, we'd like you to sing along. And at home, feel free to sing along too. Yes. Nope, not until. We do our famous theme song. That's right. And so if you know it,

we'd like you to sing along and at home, feel free to sing along too. Yes, that's not weird. No. All right. All right, Doug, hit it. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got neighborhood. And us burnt. And roads to kill.

Cover them all and meet new neighbors as well. Chat about any post you're missing. So just tune in to the neighborhood listen. Oh, are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. Give yourselves a round of applause. Are you winded? I'm singing in public like that.

You know, it makes me very nervous. And, you know, I've done karaoke, of course, before. The empty orchestra. Yes, the empty orchestra. And that's a bit different. Everybody's having their drinks and they're all lubed up. You should be part of the special. Oh, wow.

Which karaoke bar do you go to, Bert? I have never heard of that one. Well, I go, do you know the House of the Rising Sun? Oh, yes. Yes. You mean the song or the club? The club. Oh, yes. Where they play nothing but the song.

It seems a little on the nose. They play nothing but the song, the House of the Rising Sun on the jukebox for the entirety of your time there. Yes. Except Wednesday nights they have karaoke and so I'll go down there

and sing some songs. Listen to that good bass. Can you believe he doesn't want to sing public? Well, I need to be I need to be blind drunk

and Yes, it helps. You know, I always my biggest song What's your karaoke song? Oh, I love Annie. Yes, it helps. You know, I always, my biggest song, what's your karaoke song? Oh, I love Annie, I love a Celine. I love It's All Coming Back to Me Now.

Oh, that video? Thank you. Well, I mean, it's not like I wrote the song, but I'll take the clap. But, you know, it's such a, the video. Have you ever seen the video to that song? No. It's bananas.

I knew what the answer was. Did I really think Burns sits at home and watches Celine Dion videos? I mean, really. Do you know any? I do not contain multitudes. I think that's selling yourself a little short. No, I think that's selling yourself short a couple multitudes, Burns. I said, can you have two multitudes?

Yeah, I think you got a couple rattling around in there. All right. Okay. But the video's insane. Who's seen the video? Anybody? Oh my gosh. I'm so glad.

I saw a hand there. Please go home or if you're already home. Please go home. Google. If you've seen the video, please go home. You see how easily

things get taken out of context? That's going to be the headline from tonight. Is there anyone reviewing? I know what I... There would be if it was Dignity Falls. Okay, I misunderstood. If it was Dignity Falls. Okay, I misunderstood.

If it was Dignity Falls, you know who would be reviewing this show, this beginning of our fifth season? Mitch McNutt. Yeah, the one who always wears a turtleneck. He'd review it, and the headline would be, Joe told the audience to go home because he hates me. And that's not what happened here. I said, if you're already home, go home and Google it

because it's really a it's a fever dream she has and there's lightning and thunder and that piano goes do-do-do-do-do-do and then it does it. That's right. It's like that. Doug, good job. Give it up for Doug, everybody. Doug, come and say hi. Come and say

Doug got so dressed up. He picked, oh, he picked a shirt. I think he looks so sexy. And yeah. There he goes. Hi, babe. How are you doing? I'm great.

How are you? Oh. They can hear you. They can hear. Oh, bye. Okay, that was it. I think he was going to retrieve the microphone. Oh, good.

Go get the microphone. That's fine. He gets shy, so I understand. Oh, okay. Go get the microphone. That's fine. He gets shy, so I understand. Oh, okay. Okay, nope. He's sitting back down. Okay, so we were mistaken. That's Doug. That's my husband and our engineer. We were mistaken.

Still, he's got a couple multitudes, too. I'm telling you what. I'm telling you what. Oh, no, Doug, I think. Doug, I believe is there's a lot going on in there. There is. And roiling under the surface. And as I've gotten to know him. Roiling is the right word.

Yes, and we become real chums. You have. At the end of the last season, you went out. You had a bender. You had a full-on bender. You really did. That's right. We lost time.

You lost time. You did, and you ended up on a tour. We gained some time, too. Oh. I think the next day we gained some time. You lost time. You did, and like you ended up on a trip. We gained some time, too. Oh. I think the next day we gained some time. We did gain, it was daylight savings. So he did win an hour back from the government. You know what, that is true.

Yes. So I'm happy for that. Now, we have not sat down to discuss anything, to sort of check in on each other for such a long time. Almost a year. When we're not doing the show, we really don't talk to each other at all. It's a real separate corners situation.

I mean, I don't mean for it to be, of course. You get busy and we traveled a little. Did you go anywhere for the summer? Let's see. Where did I go for the summer? I mean, I did spend a lot of time in the apartment. for the summer? Let's see.

Where do I go for the summer? I mean, I did spend a lot of time in the apartment and, you know, because one of my windows will not close all the way. And so,

I'm afraid of intruders. And even though I'm way up there, I'm almost at the top floor, I do feel like, well, there's animals too and animals could get in there.

So, I spent a lot of time being vigilant about that window. And if people remember, he used to have have just actual just full wind tunnel type wind blowing through his apartment just you had no um ceiling really for a very long time there wasn't a ceiling per se for quite a while it was quite shocking when i visited yes they they raised the penthouse and they they forgot to seal off the remaining floors. And then the wind was-

This is in your medieval themed apartment building. That's correct. Yeah. Which I remember and I- I'm glad you do. Of course I remember. Of course I remember. You remember that time that I told you that it was.

Yeah, that's right. And it was a horrible, like it was a wind tunnel because of the building across the way. And so it was just like, oh's right. And you know, it was a horrible, like it was a wind tunnel because of the building across the way. Sure. And so it was just like, oh, my chair seems to have broken.

Live theater. Any chair can break. Are you okay? Is it all right? Is the safety system on? It might have been just the bracket. Just, all right.

What, babe? What's that, Doug? Kick it down like I taught you to. I'm not sure that helped, babe. No, I did the kick before you advised me to, and then it seems so broken the chair further. Okay, well, we'll put that one back.

Yeah, we'll just put that one back. This is fun. This is like any one of these chairs could become a death trap at any moment. Well, maybe you could borrow Connie's chair. I think it's time you introduce everybody to Connie. Oh, okay. Hey, everyone.

This is Connie. I don't know if you've ever seen him before. He's seen Better Days, of course. This is when it's fun to have a live stream. So people, we're a podcast. We're generally, you know, sort of not a visual medium. The theater of the mind. That's right.

But we talk about him a lot. Yeah, and here he is. And he says hi to everybody. Hi. You can see how, you know, during the times of quarantine, you would put him in. Yeah, and here he is. And he says hi to everybody. Hi. You can see how, you know, during the times of quarantine, he would put him in. Oh, dear.

All right. Well, that was, that's, I mean, that seems, someone's coming with another chair. I think that we're good right now, though. I think we're okay. You could, okay. Oh, there we go.

Oh, that's very nice. That's good. That looks sturdy. Oh, that's very nice. That's good. That looks sturdy. Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you. Actually, the chair's more proportional for him. And it looks, to be honest, it's more his vibe, if I'm being really honest. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Good for you, Connie. He seems happy. He finally found his place. Perhaps he'll stay here in this theater. What does that mean? In spirit, you know what I mean. You know, I find Connie sort of creepy. During the quarantine

times, people would put, you know, stuffed animals in their windows for kids to see them on their walk, and he put Connie in the window, and you can see why children were a little bit scared. Yeah, but you know, I mean, kids have to, they have to see these things. Yeah, they do. Why is that? Because the world is a scary place. Yeah, I mean, kids have to see these things. Why? Why is that?

Because the world is a scary place. Yeah, I mean, you are right. There are several people just like that walking around in the grocery store. Unhinged jaw. I was not even thinking that, but you're right. God, I hate when they come up to the pharmacy counter with people with the unhinged jaws. And they're like, do you have a cream for this and i'm like you should first stop should have been the doctor correct by the way i absolutely love that

you are wearing your jacket your yes of course uh cbs um well i can't think of the word what is that called no no embroidery thank you well no when monogrammed that's what i was trying to say i thought a monogram was just initials oh so then what would you say if it's your full name? Embroidery. Oh, okay. You really put me in my place. I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to.

Who knew embroidery could be said with such masculinity and authority and a takedown? Embroidery. Honestly, I did not intend it that way and I do apologize. Doug, say embroidery.

Embroidery. Okay, well. That was an opportunity to get lucky. You missed it, dear. You were supposed to go down. Like, say it to me. Give her a little Bowery Boys flavor. Embroidery.

I thought you wanted me to sound like... What's the big idea? I thought you wanted me to sound like Sting's the big idea? I thought you wanted me to sound like Sting. Of course, Sting is Jones Hall Pass, as everyone knows. That is true. I love how he can sort of make several sounds out of one word, like a murder of crows. The way that he can make the word crows last so long,

as well as other things. Of course, the tantric sex. Oh, okay. Where you... I thought it, you know, sure. You prolong the moment of orgasm. Correct, yes. Do you prolong the moment of orgasm,

or is it that you prolong having the orgasm? You put off having the orgasm. I think Connie's bothered by this discussion. Oh, his expression has changed a little bit. So now, I did want to get back to what did you do? You spent a lot of time in the apartment. Well, you know, it's actually very smooth. It's wonderful. It's good quality. It's a comforting quality. It's good quality. I don't let a lot of the customers touch me. But I wouldn't. But if they ask, I will do. I will let them. Is this uniform

much like the military where you are allowed to wear it out but usually just at weddings and other occasions or is this? No, I have a formal lab coat, of course.

This is not that but I do have a formal pharmacist coat for weddings and funerals. And of course, the parade. Of course. The annual pharmacist's parade.

That's right. That we have at Dign dignity falls because we like parade it's a great parade doug loves the parade i take the kids every year that's right he takes the kids every year july i'd be my daughter and the twins um matt and and uh jodeci jodeci matt and jodeci uh and uh that was because i could have sworn there was a bible a book named jodeci i could have sworn that was a Bible book named Jodeci. I could have sworn that was a book of the Bible. Yes, a book of the Bible.

I mean a book in the Bible. Let's see, there was Your Majesty. What are the books in the Bible? There were a lot of J ones. There's lots of J names in the Bible. A lot of J ones. Jesus. And I was kind of the big guy himself.

King of the J names. And at the time, I just thought it'd be nice to sort of have a biblical name. And, but it ended up being sort of a mess because no one could ever pronounce it and no one could ever spell it. But yes, when they were little. What's that? That's why I wanted to name him Conk. He wanted to name our son Conk. Conk.

That's a beautiful name. C-O-N-K? Yes, of course. Okay. I apologize. People know how to spell it immediately. I'm not sure. I don't know about that.

But I understand that you wanted to name him that. And anyways, the point was, when we would go to the parade, it's so much fun because people sleep out, you know, and get their spot the night before. Absolutely. Because it's such a big deal. They start putting the lawn chairs out, I would say, a good two months before the parade. They do, yes. And there's so many fun games.

There's like, you know, instead of a dunk booth, someone sits on top of a syringe and you just try to get them to fall. And then someone underneath, all the water from the needle just gets someone wet. It's all pharmacy themed. The point is facing down on the ground. Yes, thank you. We're not trying to impale someone. No.

We're putting them over the plunger and then they... There's a ring toss and whatever medication the ring goes on, you get to have it for free for a year, which is nice. Whether you need it or not. Correct.

Which is, it caused some problems, I have to say. Well, you don't have to take it. You never do. Yeah. If you win a goldfish at a county fair, you're not obliged to take the goldfish. You can just say winning is enough and then walk away. I never thought about it that way. Or you can take the goldfish and just put it right down

to the ground and walk away. Why would you do that? Say, it's your problem now. Some people hate fish. Is that, how did you come, I don't remember the origin story of Connie. Is that how you got him? Was it at, was he a fair prize?

Why am I thinking that? Do you know what's funny, Joan, is I don't remember how I ended up with Connie. But he's been in my apartment for as long as I can remember. I feel so bad his foot is completely twisted around. It's uncomfortable for me to look at.

You know he's not real. I know, but... So he can't feel that. I mean, thank God. Sometimes I just feel like he is. I mean, don't you feel like he is sometimes? He's your only companion through most days. It's true.

I guess I spend a lot of time reminding myself that he is not. So I've really built up that muscle. And so I'm not even startled by him anymore. Like if I walk into the room and I'm thinking I could swear I left him in a different place and then that doesn't bother me anymore. Okay. But I will twist his foot around if that makes you feel better.

Okay, thank you. It really helps. Here we go. There you go, old anymore. Okay, that's good. But I will twist his foot around if that makes you feel better. Okay, thank you. It really helps. Here we go. There you go, old buddy. Oh, no. I guess it was that way for a reason. That seems, I just, I did not realize that was the fulcrum. Just like the goldfish, just on the floor.

It's your problem now. All right. We're just going to leave him there? You're just going to... He's okay? I'll pick him up. Okay. So anyhow, yes.

The pharmacy parade is fantastic. And I'm really very excited about it. And a lot of times I'm asked to... A lot of times, if you're listening to this at home and you weren't able to see it in person, you know, Connie hit the deck and now he's being rearranged on his chair and he's being real stubborn about it. I don't know why. And you know what? I'm having a hard time believing he's not alive. I'll be very honest right now. I really will be very honest right now. He seems more alive than ever. He seems like he's fighting you, Burnt.

He really does. Okay, I could not... Nothing could be done about the feet, I'm afraid. That's just the way they're going to be. That's how he wants to be. All right, and he was giving you some pushback, so I understand.

I hope there are more blood pressure machines. What's that, Doug? This year at the pharmacist parade, I hope there are more than one blood pressure machine this year. Doug loves the blood pressure machines. He loves to try to trick them. He does love to try to trick them. And he ends up hogging it.

And people who actually kind of really need to check it, but he wants to see how low he can get it to go. And he'll hold his breath breath and he'll do all sorts of things. Well now we tell people. I can get it shockingly low. Yes. Yes. Concerningly low. Doug I meant to ask what is the method you use

to drive your blood pressure down? You know what? I never asked you that either. He never tells me you know but I didn't even think to have you ask because now you're best friends. You just have to flutter your eyes. You just keep fluttering them until all the thoughts just go away. Okay. And then think what it was like to be in your mother's womb.

Oh, wow. Just floating. Are you really floating in your mother's womb? Seems kind of cramped in there. Well, for a time. For a time. And then you get too big, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trust me, there was no floating going on in there with the twins. Then you have to be born. They were trying, they started to set my uterus on fire. If you don't know, they're real pyros. They love fire.

I'm talking about it from the beginning. From the beginning. I don't know how they stuck something in there. Born pyromaniacs. Yeah. I just thought it was indigestion, but they were like, we actually see,

there's some smoke. Oh, I should have known I was in for it from the very beginning. I just wanted to say one last thing about the pharmacy parade is I'm just so a little upset that it's coming up, actually. Is it October or November this year, babe?

I don't know why you would ask. Doug. Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. Yeah, come on. I mean, I am the Grand Marshal. Yes, and I feel bad. That's not the first thing.

I didn't lead with that. I'm so sorry. That's all right. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to have to say it myself. I was hoping you would drop it. Well, I know it means so much to you. You've been waiting for a very, very long time to be Grand Marshal finally, right?

Is there a criteria? Is there a reason why you think you've been passed over before? Well, Joan, I think that, you know, Oscar Canone was the Grand Marshal for the last, I want to say, 25, 30 years. I know, because the Canones own this town. It's basically, they Canone this town. That's what everyone says. The Can Canons own this town. They basically can own this town.

That's what everyone says. The Canons can own this town. That's right. Or they say it that way. They say it that way. And, you know, Oscar, what bothered me about it was he was retired.

He wasn't even a pharmacist anymore. Right, right. And he was only a pharmacist for three years. Can you believe that? That's so upsetting. Three years. He didn't put in his time. He did not put in his time.

Yeah, he didn't earn it. He wasn't even there for when that guy came in with the sword. Ugh. And. That was quite a story. That was, what a day that was. And so basically the criteria was waiting for Oscar to die. And he finally did.

Wow. And that seems like a terrible thing to say about someone. They finally died but he was 102 years old well he had a good life he had a good life I hope he did well I hope he did despite his family's obvious ties to organized crime which

is why and you know I think because I don't know I sort of had an in every year I was always asked to sing at the pharmacy place and I always wrote a song a brand new song every year. I was always asked to sing at the pharmacy page. And I always wrote a song, a brand new song every year. And I mean, I had already started

working on it this year. And then I find out, see, for me, it wasn't a win because now it's someone else is in charge of the talent. And I can't believe it because you're the Grand Marshal

this year, Bernt, and I'm not singing for that, which is crazy. Don't you think it's crazy, babe? I mean, I don't want to get in the middle of that. He's Grand Marshal this year. Doug, I think it's okay to say that.

It's crazy. But I didn't realize, this is the first time I'm hearing this, Joan, and I'm aghast. They did not run this by me. Well, you know, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. And I don't want to make a big stink about it, but I just, you know. Well, who is it, Joan? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. And I don't want to make a big stink about it, but I just, you know. Well, who is a joke? I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I don't want to be rude, but I mean, who better than me to do it? Because hello. I mean, good luck to him or her or them. I don't know if they understand how complicated it is to really hit the right balance of, yes, that. But I'm talking about the right balance of, you know,

insider pharmacy humor, but also general pop culture and pop music enjoyment for the civilians in the crowd, you know? Yes, exactly. It's a real fine, it's a fine tune. Oh, what a fine, you're dancing on the razor's edge, Joan, when you're out there on that float

and you're doing that song. Right? It's, you know, and Again, I'm just saying. I'm not saying it's like a very specific talent, but it does. Sorry? You already have a song written. You can say it. No, I was quite clear

about that. Well, okay, you're right. I said that I've been working on it. He's being honest. It's totally finished. Really? Yep. From start to finish. It's totally finished. Really? Yep. From start to finish. It's all ready to go.

I mean, it's not a super long song. Right, of course. Traditionally, these songs are about 30 seconds. Once you get to that hook, you kind of want to get out of there. They're usually like 30 seconds long. But people look forward to it every year. What is Joan going to do with her 30-second song? So is there any possibility we could coax you into singing even half of it?

Oh, brother. Oh, my gosh. Really? Do you really want to? I mean, the people have spoken. Imagine how many more people are clapping at home. I can just hear them now. Yes.

Well, okay. Okay. All right. So, we just have to imagine. Well, yeah. Well, if you usually,

I mean, I would always have him do the smoke machine, which we don't have right now. So, and the twins aren't here. Otherwise, they could literally create it

in a second for us from anything. They do not cut out the middleman when it comes to smoking. They don't. They just set someone on fire. Yeah. So, have to imagine you know it'll be again like i was describing i always try to make it like a celine dion video you know with like dubs in slow motion

and a motorcycle and thunder and lightning and you know lots of sheets blowing um but uh you know just something mysterious uh but uh this one this one was a little more up-tempo. So that it's over quicker. Usually these are ballads. Joe will do a 30-second ballad striking just the right tone between insider pharmaceutical humor and

general popular music knowledge. Before I remembered, I had written the whole song. You're right. Okay. So it just, it's hard to do an acapella, but I'll do my best, okay? So just, okay, good. Thank you for setting the mood. Perfect.

Beautiful lighting. Okay, maybe I'll make it a ballad. Why, I mean, couldn't you just sing the song you had, but slow it down? All right, okay. When you're up at night or your back is sore or you just have an infected

cuticle well all you have to do is go to your corner drugstore and consult a hero pharmaceutical. And he will listen to you. And he'll tell you things that are true. And he'll put you in a good mood.

And say, take it with food. Take it with food. Oh, take it with food every four to six hours. Take it with food. Take it with food. Don't you love our pharmacist with his magical powers? Wow. Take it with food.

Thank you. Thank you. That was on the spot. It was on the spot. But thank you. Thank you for the lighting. I appreciate that. Joan, that was beautiful.

Let's do notes. He is the Grand Marshal. But thank you. Thank you for the lighting. I appreciate that. Joan, that was beautiful. Let's do notes. He is the Grand Marshal. It's fair. Although I'm not even going to get to sing it unless that goes viral. Yeah, I mean, you don't really refer to pharmacists as pharmaceuticals.

They deal in pharmaceuticals, of course. But they themselves are called pharmacists. But it rhymed with cuticles, and I thought it was cute. It did rhyme with cuticles. It did, absolutely. Other than that, perfect. Well, oh, thank you.

That was like the whole song. It was beautiful. It was stirring. Oh, I appreciate that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess whoever the hell's gonna do it good luck to you good luck good luck coming up with a better rhyme than that even if it wasn't accurate who do you who do you think it is i mean i honestly if i i i do think it's deborah weitzman i do just

because i mean i'll say it she just knows how to rub shoulders with the right people and it's true she'll rub more and listen i said it said it. I said it, okay? She'll do what it takes to sing. She's been trying to get that gig for me for years. You're saying she'll have sex. Honestly, I know. But, you know, also just anything. She'll use money.

She'll use whatever it takes. I mean, she might even have someone killed to be able to stand at the top of that float. I said it. That seems too far. I did. I don't care who top of that float. I said it. That seems too far. I did. I don't care who hears. I'm very upset about it. Aren't you afraid that this person who would kill someone to become the singer?

Oh, she's already tried. She knows that. She tried to kill you? Yes. What? Joan! You haven't told me this. Oh, God.

Three times, right, babe? Three times, Joan! One of them was at the parade, okay, and I was getting a corn dog. Yes. And she came up to me and she said, oh, that seems fantastic. I would love a corn dog, you know?

And she was like... They are fantastic. Okay. That's true. Okay, Doug. I'm building over this story. I mean, yes, they are fantastic, but it's not about

i know he loves careful mentioning those corndog is one of doug's trigger phrases i wasn't besmirching corndog babe i promise you i think i think he just meant if you mention them he's going to chime in yes i thought he was running to their defense which is not what he did for me because she actually, I could see her try, I saw her sprinkle something on my corn dog and I was- Did she have a ring and then she opened it up?

Yes. And it was very upsetting and I called for Doug and he was doing the blood pressure machine. Didn't hear me at all. He was in another world, you know. So you saw, damn. She doesn't know I saw. So, okay, so okay so you see what happened is i said oh

let me buy one for you hold my corn dog because she knew i do that she knew that i would offer to buy one for her because kill someone with kindness right is just keep them closer keep the enemies closer so of course i'm gonna buy her a corn dog but also keep your friends close as well yes yes that's exactly right just you can't have one half of that just hanging out there. You're right. That usually never gets finished, that thought. Yeah, you're right. So I said, here, I need to hold my corn dog.

Yes. I need to go through my purse and get my... You were like, hey, hold my corn dog. You did something crazy. Watch while I start trending over the last person who was trending yes okay so i was getting my wallet out and as i i just saw out of the corner of my eye just look you're just a little so like that just a little motion yes okay yes and and i i could swear that i saw something come out of that ring and i knew i didn't want to touch that corn dog and i looked for doug and he was he

had his eyes closed and his mouth open. Almost beat my high score or low score. He was getting his low score and then the next year she pushed me down a flight of stairs. Oh, wow. No subtlety.

She really jumped. Well, because the last time was so effective. I just think she got very, very impatient. She was very menopausal. Right. Extremely menopausal. Oh, my God. I remember when Deb was going through menopause

and the whole town was afraid. Yes. I mean, I don't want to put a whole entire group of women who I'm headed straight for. No, no, no. Into a place where there will be judged for going through what is truly a difficult time. No, no, no. It is, of course.

She just didn't handle it very well. Deb was diagnosed with extreme menopause. Yes. There's very few cases of it. And she was diagnosed with that by a pharmaceutical. But anyways, I was, yes, it was just, it was at my home. Where your husband sleeps?

Well, yes. Where your children play with their toys? It was on the Death Becomes Her Staircase, which we built in the house as part of our, because we've run out of rooms, now we do themed staircases.

Right. That makes sense. We've got the Brady Bunch staircase. Oh, fun. We've got the Death Becomes Her Staircase. This is great for family photos. We've got the Modern Family Staircase.

You know, it's always like a trip up the stairs. You know, that one's well known. No? Okay. It's just for us. It's fine. It's fine that you don't know it.

It's got the trap door. Oh, yes. We've got the monsters. There's a dragon in there. Yeah. What else do we have, babe? Any more famous staircases? Yeah, there was one from the documentary, The Staircase.

That must have cost a pretty penny. Did you get the American one or the Germany one I do not know what they're talking about and I have an owl I don't want to so yeah but little did she know it was the perfect set of stairs

to push me down because they're obviously they're stunt loaded they're stunt loaded stairs at the very bottom rung of the stairs yeah the rung of the stairs they're obviously stunt loaded. They're stunt loaded stairs. At the very bottom rung of the stairs. Yeah, the rung of the stairs. Launches you out. So as soon as you hit the

bottom one, it actually just pops out like a jack-in-the-box. You get it. We all get it. That makes sense. I think you move on. It's spring loaded. You step on it and then it launches you into the air? Yes. Okay.

Out to the courtyard. At the front door? Out into the atrium. Oh, the atrium. That's why Joan is with us today. It is. Thanks to your wonderful design. Thanks, babe.

You're very welcome. Appreciate it. And what was the third time? And the third time was she locked me in a coffin. I was buried alive for five days. What? Oh, no. I can't believe you've never told me this.

Well, we don't talk. It was this past year. We just don't talk when we're not doing a podcast. Now, here's what's great. In Dignity Falls, if you don't know, that's where we're from. And we still do the bell on the graves. Because we just not, we don't trust it. We don't trust it.

And thank God, because that must have been how you got out. Well, yes, that did help. I also did the, I tried the thing. I tried the Kill Bill thing. It doesn't work. It does not work. It just hurt so badly.

Sure, I can imagine. But yes, luckily there was, and there was a dog. A dog actually, thank goodness, came along sniffing. And there was a man looking for jewelry because it wasn't a graveyard. She buried me in a graveyard, which I thought was so rude to the other people. It was just like, what's, you know. A little disrespectful. Yeah, exactly.

And also just terrifying. And so, yes yes luckily they were able to get a hold of me and i think that i only survived because i have such a good singer's lung capacity that i really really didn't need much oxygen breath control yeah that's right so i don't know i mean honestly she tried her best at this point uh somehow she she didn't manage to kill me but she killed the gig for me so um we'll get So, too bad. We'll get to the bottom of this. We'll get to the bottom of this. I would like to.

I would like to do that. Yeah, because I want to see you up there on that float. I want to hear that song being sung to everyone. And with the revised notes taken, it will be revised. I'll try to have that for you by the end of the night, okay? Oh, great. I wasn't even thinking EOD. But that's great.

At best, I was thinking COB. But, okay. Can you explain COB for those who don't know? It's Cob. Yes, Cob. It spells Cob. You're right, babe. He's now thinking about corn on the Cob. I guarantee you. Well, you know what? He's not alone.

It's his second favorite to corn dogs. He likes any food that's just on a stick. I've done, I've tried it all for him. Have you ever breaded a corn cob and put that on a stick for him? That is a great, look at his face. Sounds great. Oh my God. He's just lit up.

He's so excited. He's grinning for me here. All right, I'll try that, babe. We'll try it. All right. Okay. We should probably take a break. I think we should take a break, yeah.

Because we do have a guest. We do, yes. Someone'll try it. All right. Okay. We should probably take a break. I think we should take a break, yeah. Because we do have a guest. We do, yes. Someone we brought out from Dignity Falls. But first, of course. Oh, Bert, you okay? Yes, I'm fine. You're doing that thing where you float above yourself and you watch yourself talking.

It happens a lot. So if you, you know, people call in with ads. Yes. And in case you're wondering, where do those phone calls go? They go right here to the football phone. Which was, yes, one person remembers it was discussed. The football phone from back in the day, the Sports Illustrated football phone. And you know, Doug very much wanted to get a working Sports Illustrated football phone for the show.

And let me tell you something. Sports Illustrated, they locked that down. They did. It's no longer. When they said on that commercial, it's a limited time only, they were not kidding. You cannot find them.

They destroyed all of them. They destroyed all of them. They put them in the landfill with the E.T. game. And so Doug built this. And so we are going to... I think it's even better. You think it's even better?

I do, too. I think it's great. It's really great. You did a great job. It looks beautiful. All right. Well, let's hear our first ad, and then when we come back, we'll have a guest. Woo!

Hello, my name is Allison. Free little dresser! Curbside at 1000 Ulysses S. Grant Avenue. It needs some luck. Has a good base to work off of. Now I've included a picture for scale of Dora the Explorer. And I couldn't find a photograph of her, just of drawings. And I've always imagined she is about the size of a little dresser.

And I would think that during the show, while I would watch the show, I would think, oh, I would soon see a little dresser next to her. And then I would get lost. And I wouldn't remember what the story was about. But yes, so I also was not able to get the entirety of Dora in the frame, which is my fault as a photographer, not very skilled. It was all I could do to get the cutout of Dora to lean on the little dresser. And it turns out she is just a little taller than the little dresser. So that's good for her because she could put stuff on top of the dresser.

Anyway, if you want this, come get it. And if you see the, come get it. And if you see the real Dora the Explorer, please measure her. This is Allison saying, be good or be good at it. Goodbye, Dignity Falls.

Wow. That was very long. Well, I think they were very self-conscious Wow. That was very long. It was. Well, I think they were very self-conscious about their photography skills. It's very hard to tell whether that was Photoshopped in or was actual 3D cutout of Dora. Do you know what was great, though? It did draw attention away from how scary the house looked.

It did. It very much did. Perhaps that's why she was there. That really could be the reason because the house because it was terrifying that murder house was the first thing i noticed and then when she started talking about dora i was like oh yeah that house was the main character for sure but did you say the house was the main character i did well i mean to me it was it was as scary as um well it looked a lot like the house that debbie whitesman put me in a couple years

many years ago that's right when we were playing i didn't put me in a couple years, many years ago. That's right. When we were playing I Didn't See. I actually put you in that house. Yes. It's been going on for a very long time, our rivalry. See, to me, that house is the fifth character. Oh, I like that. Wow. All right.

Well, we do have a guest, and I'm going to read their post. This is a very, I can't wait to talk to this person. Oh, I know. You're going to really be very interested. We put that up there on the screen. Yes.

This is from Ari. This was submitted by Brooke Ferris. Thank you, Brooke, for sending this in to us. So this is from Ari. Ari posts, I will solve your crime. Hello, my name is Ari and I am looking for a crime to solve. If you know of any, please

message me. Then a parenthetical, no murder or sex stuff. Thank you. Well, let's get no murder or sex stuff. Thank you. Well, let's get Ari out of here. Please welcome Ari. Come on out, Ari. Hi. Hi there, Ari.

Oh, there we go. Oh, okay. Just a finger squeeze. That's all I got, too. That's all I got was just a finger squeeze hi Ari greetings greetings to you

now speaking of uniforms is this a uniform for crime solving what do you mean next question Ari are you a detective do you need anything?

Are you okay? You're just trying to get comfortable in the chair? This is just who I am. This is how I did it. Oh, fair enough. Okay, what's your question? Are you a licensed investigator of some kind? Is that possible?

Yes, it is. Oh, yes, it is. Very much so. Then I think no. Okay. To my knowledge. You think no. All right. To my knowledge, it is. Very much so. Then I think no. Okay. To my knowledge. You think no. All right.

To my knowledge. Not license. Okay. Okay. So how did you come to be writing this post? What inspired you to do this? Well, I think you guys can probably relate to this. I love podcasts.

So I thought, you know, there's all those podcasts about dead people and sex kind of thing and there are many of those yes dead people sex kind of thing yes it's such a well-trod space and all the good stories that are awesome have been taken like so much like crazy, funny stuff and funny. Okay. And I just thought, what about all the other crime out there that has not yet been dissected and sort of written about without the consent of anyone involved in the situation. So, so most of the crimes that you hear on these podcasts,

there'll be murder or sex crimes. Oh, the stinky crimes and so what are the types of crimes that you're looking to investigate ideally odorless email crimes email crimes i love an email example of an email crime for you well um like if you send someone an email with a lie in it with a lie a lie yes you say hey how are you doing and the person replies really good but in reality not good but that do you do you done oh you did she did it you. A lot of order. A lot of order. A lot of order. I like it. Because why are you lying?

Why not be honest? So do you do the dun-dun when you've solved it or just when you've identified the crime? When I wasn't sure just then. When I think something's a little off. When you think something's a little off. The game is afoot. The game is afoot. For those of you who can't hear,

she lowered her glasses down her nose just a little bit. And that's adorable. And I love your hat, by the way. Thank you. It's an heirloom. Is it? Where did it come from? Someone's relative.

Oh. Oh, so it's not an heirloom to you. It's a found item. It's a found heirloom. I thrifted it. Right, right, right. We thrifted it. Okay, all right.

It's safe to assume it was an heirloom of some sort. To someone. Yes. Sure. Okay. All right. It's safe to assume it was an heirloom of some sort to someone. Yes, sure. Okay. So email crime doesn't necessarily seem I mean, because that sounds like more of a, you know, social, a little social fib. But think about it. You ask someone how they're doing. They're doing bad because they just stole 400 from someone's Chase. Account, you mean the bank?

A Chase bank account? You mean dollars? Sorry, I'm speaking in kind of the terms of my community. Oh, sure. Oh, oh, oh. Sure. Is this community big? Is this a global community?

Is this a Dignity Falls community that solves non-sex murder crimes? I'm hoping to find a community. That almost sounded like a Red Hot Chili Peppers album. Non-sex murder crimes? I'm hoping to find a community. That almost sounded like a Red Hot Chili Peppers album. Non-sex murder crimes. Non-sex murder crimes. Okay, so that's a, it feels like a big leap to say that

someone's saying they're not doing, they are doing good when they're really not doing good because they've stolen $400 from someone's chase bank account because now that's actually so that's actually that's the crime i would say that's the crime not the lie in the email and there's no murder or sex inflating the two i think that's true but you have to investigate every lie and follow the breadcrumbs so that hopefully one day it can be a podcast oh that's right i keep forgetting this is a means to an end of having a podcast yes well

so that it can become tv and then i can meet ryan secrets wow this is the end game this is a multi-leveled multi-tiered plan ryan secret really out of all all the people. Favorite star. Have you ever thought about just going to a taping of a TV show that he's doing? No. Why not? It just never occurred to me, I guess. I know, you don't want to meet him as someone

who's just like a nobody. You want to meet him as someone who has a hit podcast that he's super excited for. I actually get that. I do get that, Ari. I want to meet him as someone who has a hit podcast that he's super excited for. I actually get that. I do get that, Ari. I want to meet him as someone that he wants to ask to go to Sweetgreen with. He would definitely want to go with you.

Doesn't it seem like he's just having the most ice cold salad every single day? Wet lettuce. Yes, just to numb the pain wet lettuce cold drink too cold like it's sort of

crystallized a little bit you've thought about his diet a lot yeah dry salmon no salt don't you think it's distinctly possible

talk about multitudes saltless almonds saltless almonds no salt okay so let me just let me backpedal from ryan's secrets a little i i do want to know because we always like to ask in terms of a post like this have you received any submissions of a crime that someone wants you to solve well unfortunately i've received thousands of submissions with wow about murder and sex stuff even though it clearly states that people are so messed up these days in culture that is what i'm always saying it's true yep uh that's too bad so not a single one that didn't have to do with that not a single bite um i would almost then refer some of the well you i don't maybe i'll let you talk about this, that Byrne fancies himself a little bit of an amateur detective as well, almost in a sort of precog way.

Well, I think that's exaggerating a little bit. I'm not a detective. I don't have any skills in that way. The only thing I was interested in doing, and I don't't do it anymore was I would try to prevent crime by putting myself in places where I thought crimes were likely to occur and my plan was if I saw a crime about to happen

I would stand up and go hey and then I think that would make the person rethink doing the crime and they would run away. And it made me nervous because he was now placing himself in the middle of the night in dangerous places where a crime might happen. And then I worried, you know, how long was he out

and was he eating? And he did let me know that he keeps bags of sandwiches. I have go bags all over town. He has go bags all over town just in case. Then I replenish every day. But look. He did and that became a problem. It did become a massive problem. It was really really hard to manage it was a real time suck it was so so you're hungry

i'm hungry all the time but but let me ask you this ari uh uh uh uh so in addition to email crimes yeah what are some other non-murder non-sex crimes that you think would get you to the to the point of meeting ryan seacrest as a peer well sinking a boat could always be something like a boat intentional sinking of boat with no one aboard no many but i'm not gonna worry about that that seems you'll pardon my my saying so this seems like murder but i'm not worried about that By saying so, this seems like murder. But I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about what did the guy do to get on that boat?

Because he's probably not a real sailor. So Ari's really more concerned about the lie, even if the murder is involved. The mind of the killer. You're saying that the crime is not the murder, it's lying about not murdering. Credentials. Because you get to get normally to be on a boat. It's all connections.

It's all like sort of Hollywood style. It's all about who you know to get on a boat. I don't know if you know this, but if you know a sailor, the sailor can probably hook you up. Remember Pirates of the Caribbean? All those guys are just friends hooking it up. Do you mean theates of the Caribbean? All those guys are just friends hooking it up. Do you mean the characters or the actors? The people from the doc, Umentary,

Pirate of the Caribbean. But it was a movie. It wasn't real. Well, it's a documentary and that's a movie. Wow. She's got you there, Joel. Documentary is a movie. That is true. That is true. Sorry to be confrontational. It is true. I can't. Sorry to be confrontational.

That's not who I am. When you said the people, when you said the people on the dock, I thought like a boat dock. I did too. I did too.

Thank God. I'm glad you guys have something in common. We've just been friends for a really long time. Yeah. So, are you, oh, are you, you know i i'm sort of thinking i'm sort of thinking that you started this i'm just now putting this together to start

a community and you know you just said you haven't found one yet i'm wondering if there's a bit of loneliness going on how how long have you lived in dignity falls um like 20 years yeah okay but i'm not often outside of my bunker oh you have a bunker yeah pretty cool bunker if i do say so okay why a bunker um just cool in there like it was like no no like sort of end of days or sort of like you know you're not a prepper dick prepper no i just saw a bunch of places when i was first kind of scoping out the area and i just thought this place is cute okay silver stuff everywhere all the walls so pristine i didn't feel like like I would have to repaint anything. It just fit my needs. Low ceilings.

I love a low ceiling. Is this the bunker on William Henry Harrison Place? Why do you ask? Well, it's the only bunker I know of that's in town. So you know about my bunker? Yes. I was not aware anyone was living there. There's a bunch of signs leading to it.

Hold on. That's just... That's... Sorry, Ari. That's Doug, our engineer. It's Joan's husband. I apologize. I thought you could see him because he's right there. Nothing to be afraid of.

Everything's... Well, I'm not really right here. I'm very far to the side. Well, yeah. You're pointing at me. I suppose that's true. Wow, it's true. And you've just been here?

Yes. Yeah, he's been here the whole time. Listening? Yeah, yes. He's recorded listening. He's part of the show. He's always part of the show.

We should have let you know that I'm so sorry. I'm controlling all this. Yes. Controlling what? The lights, the curtains, the sounds. Government?

Effects. Okay, no. It's not like that. I'm just surprised she was fine with Connie, but not with Doug's voice. Oh, this I'm familiar with. Okay.

Really? Familiar? Yeah. In what way? Just sort of the sideways foot kind of vibe. I get that. Okay.

Check this out. Right. I hurt my ankle. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my. Okay. Wow. I understand. I have a lot in common with this out. I hurt my ankle. Oh, no. Oh, my. Okay. Wow.

I understand. I have a lot in common with this person. Now, sorry. Before he terrified you, what were you saying about signs pointing to the bunker? Uh-oh. Shut off her mic. I thought you were mad at me.

Don't cut off her mic. I don't like when people do stuff like that. Watch out, babe. I'm really sorry. There's just a lot of bunker signs, like bunker this way. I thought he was going to say bunker this, bunker that. There is that.

How about this? I thought of this as a bunker. Bunker? I hardly even know her. That's a good one. That's good. I thought of this in the bunker. Bunker? I hardly even know her. That's a good one. That's good. I got a lot of time. That's good.

How about this one? Oh, Archie! No one's going to get it. No one's going to get it. I did get there. I love being able to break out a Gene Stapleton impression, and I never get to these days. Well, it's not Edith Stapleton. I'm sorry. Gene Stapleton, Edith Bunker. these days. Well, it's not Edith Stapleton. I'm sorry.

Jean Stapleton, Edith Bunker. Oh, you can see why I made that mistake. Sure I can. Humbled yet again. I'm not blaming you. What's that? Humbled yet again. Oh, that's strike two for me.

Ari, you really have an interesting presence. You do. You do. It actually really takes you in. I really have an interesting presence. You do. You do. It actually really takes you in. I really want to know more. Like in a friendly way? Like in a repeat?

Absolutely. Return customer kind of way? What business are we talking about? Hanging. Oh. That's adorable. So we were talking about

your Edith Bunker. And here's the thing, Bern, is that in the realty world, I'll tell you, you say there's not that many. I think it's the jacket. I've never touched him this much. And it's a coat, by the way. She was trying to reach over.

What did you just do? She was trying to touch your coat. Did you want to touch? You can touch my sleeve if you like. There you go. You missed it. Oh, I think she's shocked. I think she...

I didn't mean to put you on the spot. What did you think? What did I think? Yeah. Ice cold. Oh. Like Ryan Seacrest salad. Like a Ryan Seacrest salad.

Ooh, tall drink of water. What? What? There's so many things about that. How tall? Is he tall? I don't know that he's especially tall. I'm not sure he is.

Short drink of water. Short. Sometimes that's all you need. Squarehead. Why? Squarehead. What is it about Ryan Seacrest and how long has it been going on that you've been so enamored of him? American Idol, season two, Ruben Studdard, Clay Aiken.

And this guy standing next to them, stealing the spotlight from the two greatest voices of a generation. Oh, that's right. I think we forget he did not host the first season, did he? Did he? Co-hosted. Co-hosted. Brian Duckelman.

Very good, Byrne. Now, how do you know that? I didn't know you watched the first season of American Idol. I watched the first season for Brian Duckelman. You were a duckelhead. I love this guy. watched the first season of American Idol. I watched the first season for Brian Duckelman and then You were a duckelhead. I love this guy. I was a duckelhead. And then he wasn't back on the second season. I was like, well, who needs this? Right, because you were really

watching it for him, not all the singers and Kelly Clarkson and all that. No, but I did become a fan, of course, of the Velvet Teddy Bear, Ruben Stuttered. Yes. Oh, yes. He was wonderful. And the failed disc congressional. One of my first crushes, for real, Ruben Stuttered. Yes. Oh, yes. And the failed disc congressional. One of my first crushes for real. Ruben. Clay Aiken.

Oh, Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken. And Lance Bass. Oh, I understand. I get it. Believe me, I get it. So, okay. So that, it was just, it was all about him.

And I assume you've watched every single season since. And do you watch him and Kelly Rip in the morning morning so you begin your mornings with him and you end your days yes and i live into i listen to all 17 hours of radio that he does he does a lot of radio i don't know how he does it i simply don't either but i it keeps me company he keeps you company oh it's very nice that is nice i that. The sort of parasocial relationship that you would like to make real. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know, I could tell you a story about Ryan Seacrest. This was a friend of mine who witnessed this. Let loose king. In a, in a,

it's not that, it's not that incredible a story, but a friend of mine went to, he had to appear on a radio show, not Ryan Seacrest's show, but it was the same building where Ryan Seacrest did his show. I have chills. And there was a car that had the two parking spots on either side of it coned off because

that was Ryan Seacrest's car and no one was allowed to park next to him. Wow. That's power! My friend had to admire it Yes Any photos of the car that I could see? Not on me Your friend had to admire it

Make and model? Yes Care to speculate? It was a very expensive car from what I was told Oh, I wouldn't expect nothing but the best Ari, can you describe your dream day with Ryan Seacrest If you could spend the whole day with him? Joan, same question

We wake up at 2am because he's got to be up early for the show Describe your dream day with Ryan Seacrest, if you could spend the whole day with him. Joan, same question. We wake up at 2 a.m. because he's got to be up early for the show. Oh, right, that's right. Wow, already, this is different. We're in different beds, same room. Oh, okay. I wake up a little bit before him, so I can just sort of...

Oh, she's thought about this burn. Ari's thought about this. Yeah. Okay. He shoots out of bed. Gasps himself awake. That's the life of Ryan Seacrest. The world on your shoulders.

He wakes up. He drinks a glass of water. I watch. And I go, still thirsty? He goes, no, no. Perfect amount. He knows.

He knows the perfect amount of water. This isn't his first rodeo for drinking water. He's hydrated. You have to be hydrated if you're going to be talking so much. You do. So he starts with two glasses of water in the day. The perfect amount. But this is, are you describing your first night with him?

Because you're asking about the water. Well, in my ideal, we go from zero to 100. I'm already in the house. Yes. I watch him do six pull-ups in his dorm. Oh, I thought you said his dorm. Okay, his door. He does six pull-ups before he's even

allowed to brush his teeth. Before he's allowed to brush his teeth. Who's allowing him? Himself. He has the most rigorous work ethic. And then six pull-ups and then the reward is I get to brush my teeth. Yes. It's his only calories. And then six pull-ups and then the reward is I get to brush my teeth. It's his only calories. And I'm watching. Oh yeah, and he swallows

the toothpaste. We know. Okay, so go on, go on. I go, I follow him into the kitchen where he has a scalding hot cup of espresso waiting for him prepared by a thousand different chefs from around the world. A thousand?

So one single cup of espresso is prepared by a thousand different chefs from around the world. It's so real. It's a truly international community. What is his community? What do you mean? What is his community? Are they taking turns? Which community are we talking about now?

One drip of coffee from every nation coming together to satiate Ryan Seacrest. Wow. Boy, the logistics

are boggling my mind. I can't, I can't. And guess what? They all have beautiful houses care of Ryan Seacrest. So they live

in an area nearby and where at two in the morning they all gather. Does he live in a neighborhood that's just him and these chefs?

A thousand chefs. He bought it up just so that he could surround himself with the best. They come to his house they make him they contribute

one twenty-sixth of a cup of coffee and then he drinks it and it's scalding hot. And then what? And I go, are you OK? And he goes, better not that you're here. Oh, that's sweet.

That's sweet. I like that. Very nice. Yeah. And then he at this point, it is 204 and he must begin his first radio show. Wow. So he starts his first radio show, Ryan at 205 in the morning.

Is it really just called Ryan? I'm seriously asking. I took the title to be Ryan at 205 in the morning. Yes, Ryan at 205 in the morning. And it's just him sort of talking about night. About night. Yeah, night into morning. Okay. That's sort of wild.

He doesn't play music does he have people call in no just him being like isn't it so crazy that at 207 fucking anything could happen and i'm holding the mic for him oh boy okay is this okay i haven't followed his career that closely is this a show that already exists or a show that is part of your dream life with him? Yes, as I've never heard of it. It is part of my dream life with him, but doesn't it feel like it could be real? Well, that's what I'm asking.

Exactly. It really could be real. That's why I was asking, is it called Ryan? It could be real. Do you know what it makes me think? And this has been a burr in my saddle for a long time. I feel like we should shift when AM and PM are because

2 AM, that feels like night time. I am so with you. I am so with you. And 1 PM? It's still the day. I think we should switch. I think AM should go from 6 to

10. 6 to 10. 6 to 10? You want 9? 8. 8? When do you want to switch to PM? No, why are we going? It's the prices. People are bidding.

Lower, lower. I bid 1 AM. Wow, what a great song. It is a great song. Wait, sorry. Okay. I thought I was on the same wavelength as you, but when do you want to abolish AM? All right.

Trouble in Paradise. I'm sorry, what? We're not. Wait, what? I already said Trouble in Paradise. Oh, that's my husband, just to be very clear. Yeah, there's no. We're just friends, me and Burnt.

Could have fooled me. We have never had a guest imply that in all our seasons. I don't think we have. I don't think we have. Wow. Not like other girls. I'll give you that.

Not like other girls. Not like other girls. Yes. Sorry, what time? Sorry? What time? Oh, yeah, so go ahead. I think AM should be,

you know what? I'm going to slide it to five. Okay. 5 AM because there's a possibility of some light coming in, a horrible feeling. And then I think AM should then go until 6 PM. How does that? Okay, so even though you wake up at 5 AM, now you've made it to the second 5 a.m. of the day.

No, now it's 5 p.m. Right. But okay. But before then, it's 4 a.m.? All right. Shift it to 5 then. I know, but I'm kidding. So it goes 5 to 5.

It goes 5 a.m. to 5 p.m. So and then in this reality, would 5 a.m. be the new midnight? Yes. But we'd still call midnight midnight. I'm voting for you. We'd still call 12. We'd still call 12 now p.m. be the new midnight? Yes. But we'd still call midnight midnight. I'm voting for you. We'd still call 12 now p.m. midnight. That got a less than pleasant response from our guest. I think this makes a lot of sense.

I do too. Thank you, Doug. Thank you. I really do. I appreciate that, Doug. I loved it until you said what you said about midnight. Oh, man. All right.

Well, that's neither here nor there. But I think in every other way, we are exactly the same. Really? Exactly the same? Other than I'm not sure that Bernd has thought about his entire day with Ryan Seacrest, which you clearly have. But I would like you to continue because we've only made it to what? 207.

Oh, yeah. So at this point, so 205 is when the show starts. And that goes until about 1130 2.07. Oh yeah. So at this point so 2.05 is when the show starts and that goes until about 11.30 a.m. And that's his game. That's a long show. That is very long.

Burnt a.m. or? What? He wants to know if it's burnt a.m. Is it bam? Is it two bam? Two o'clock bam? If I try to do the math

I'll throw up. I understand. I understand. You didn't come here to do math. I get it. I'm not going to make you do that. I just want you to tell me the rest of your day with him. So it's 11.

So now it's time. It's 11, bam. For Ryan's tiny breakfast. Ryan's tiny breakfast. Yes. One little shrimp. So far, he's just had the toothpaste. He just had the toothpaste. He just had the toothpaste

and amazing coffee. That's right. And then at 1137 a.m. He's going to have shrimp cocktail. One shrimp, a little bit of sauce. Oh, why 1137?

You got to ask Ryan. I don't know that we'll ever get to, but you're going to have to. I feel like you're going to meet him someday. I swear. I think you're really putting this out into the world. I do believe that he might hear this. You never know. Oh, do you think you're really putting this out into the world. I do believe that.

He might hear this. You never know. Do you think he has time to listen? Probably not. That's a good point. He's probably talking right now. Yes. At any given time of day, Ryan Seacrest is either talking or eating one shrimp. Oh, so he's going to have a...

But that's just one time at 1137. Does he have another one at Sunweather Point? He has several shrimp throughout the day. Several shrimp throughout the day. Seafood for Seacrest. And also because they're ice cold, right?

He loves things that are cold. Seafood for Seacrest. Seafood for Seacrest, yes. Oh, that's adorable. It's a great We just sold him

another show. Thank you. That could be sort of a Stanley Tucci-esque travel series. Sure. For him.

Yes. I would love to see Ryan on the road a little bit more. Then he could seek rest. And you. He's a dad.

He's a dad. Back in my good graces suit. Oh, wonderful. Good job, babe. Yes. You just made his night. I guarantee you. There's not much room to run around.

What's that, Doug? He said there's not much room to run around back here. He wanted to do a victory lap. Oh, I see. It's okay. It's all right. Yeah, it's a little crap back there. Okay, so he's doing it.

Oh, he's doing it anyway. He's just doing it right in a circle. Good job. All right, carry on. Are you okay? You're transfixed? Enchanted by a man celebrating a well-earned win. Oh, that's lovely.

Okay, so Ryan has his toothpaste, not really his breakfast, but then his actual breakfast much later, 11.37 a.m. Yes. He has a single shrimp with a little bit of sauce. Yes, and at that point, we go for a little walk together, holding hands ever so slightly. Like this? Yeah. Is that why you greeted us like this? Yes, and at that point, we go for a little walk together, holding hands ever so slightly.

Like this? Yeah. Is that why you greeted us like this? Practicing for heaven. I've never studied Ryan Seacrest's hands that much. Never? They're so... I know. So small.

I wanted a few. Small. Really, but he also doesn't... He's not shaking people's hands ever. He's just sort of... Well, I figure his hands are probably much smaller than mine. So if I just use the edge of my hand,

You don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I'll feel his whole hand. Okay, I understand. If you just use the very edges of your hand, then you will, you'll encompass his whole hand? Yeah. Yeah, with just the little tips.

Yeah. Yeah. You could practice on Connie. That's true. That's about probably... Oh, there he goes. Oh, he's smitten. Is this not the most romantic thing?

It really is. It's very adorable. This is probably how it would go with Ryan Seacrest, did you, too? The Notebook Who? MTV's best handhold. That is just precious, I have to say.

He looks like he's smiling from here. I think it's just the dislocated jaw. Okay. Oh, dear. Okay. Don't worry. It takes a lot to get him settled. It really does.

Don't worry about it. It really... Yes. Okay. at him to settle. It really does. It really, don't worry about it. It really, yes. She did. Okay, Ari just saw that one of his eyes is very bloodshot. And you know what?

Bert, could you explain how that happened? I wish I could. But one day it was just like that. Now that would make me

feel alarmed. Honestly. You know, it was when the window got stuck open. Oh, we never revisited that. That's why I wonder know it was when the window got stuck open oh we never revisited that that's why i wonder interesting i wonder window got stuck open and i feel like oh she's sticking out of crime the little gray cells are he had that locked and loaded didn't you babe good job

what do you think of that ari full body chills oh so when the window was open did any kind of crazy stuff happen after well not that i'm not that i recall so you were drugged that seems like a very big jump i remember every moment of my life oh like mary lou henner yeah do you know what that is Like Mary Lou Henner? Yeah. Do you know who that is? I'm just being honest, but I didn't want to say it. I appreciate it.

Kind of a crime. Good thing it wasn't in an email. Don't tell the cops. I don't know the name of her ability, do we call it? Mary Lou Henner was on a television show called Taxi and other things, but she's able to literally, if you give her a date that she was alive during, like, you know, April 22nd, 1982, she can tell you exactly

what she did that day. She has total recall. Isn't that insane? What? Taxi. Oh, I'm sorry, you're back on Taxi. What about Taxi? I don don't i actually can't remember well we're not saying you have this ability i was just explaining although ari did say that she remembers every single moment of her life

that's true but okay so we are saying you have that ability. Let's test it. Okay. What did you, what were you doing on September? What is today? 21st. Five years ago. What were you doing? No, let's go back further. 10 years ago,

September 21st. September 21st. What year? 2013. Okay. Scary to not be able to subtract that. Okay. You weren't doing math.

I wasn't. That's right. You didn't come here to do math. That's for sure. That's for guys. I was at the Hard Rock Cafe, Nashville, listening to Alice Cooper and having an amazing Sunday. Like a food Sunday or was on it Sunday? Well, it was a Sunday,

but it was a Tuesday. Okay. So you're eating an ice cream Sunday. Yeah. Watching Alice Cooper or you said listening to Alice Cooper. It wasn't live.

It wasn't doing a gig. But what was so amazing is I was looking at the pants of Alice Cooper. Oh, like in a case. In a glass case. Uh-huh.

And I was just imagining how easy it would be to shatter that case and take that stuff home and sell it for so much money. That would be a crime. I know, and that's kind of

what got me thinking. Wow, everyone's capable of doing something so messed up. Oh, were you saying this was the day that you decided you wanted to become

this kind of crime solver? It's like your origin story. Yes. Kind of. My hero origin story. Look at that. See? You've already got a little fan club.

Oh. I think she's happy. So in the intervening years, from 2013 to now, you see these Alice Cooper pants. The idea of crime forms in your mind, but you choose another path. You say, no, I'm not going to do the crime.

I am instead going to be the person to investigate the crimes? Investigate the crime, bring someone to task, but not in a way that involves carceral punishment because I'm not involved in that. Which punishment? Carceral. Carceral. Carceral. Yeah. It's from

jail. So you want to bring them to task, not to justice. I want to go, what? You just want them to know that you know. I see you. So you better not do that stuff again or I'll see you again.

Oh, okay. So it's really just about a catchphrase, sort of. And this thing. I guess I would make an awesome t-shirt. What is the phrase again? I see you. You better not do it again, because I'll see you again. Okay. It's a little long. Maybe part on the front and part on the back. I'll see you again is on the back. I like that.

That's fun. Yeah. When a t-shirt is a two-parter. I agree. Isn't it satisfying? It is satisfying. It's a story. Beginning, and then the person is the middle, and the back is the end. Yeah. That's fun. Yeah. When a t-shirt is a two-parter. I agree. Isn't it satisfying? It is satisfying. It's a story. Beginning, and then the person is the middle, and the back is the end. Yeah. That's right. And the thing is, if I may, you don't necessarily know that a t-shirt is a two-parter.

Right. When you see the front, or even if you just see the back. That's right. You have to turn around. You have to turn around. You simply must. You have to look at all the t-shirts. Yes.

Life is like a box of chocolates, et cetera. Are you saying because you need to look on the back of the box or else you might not eat the right chocolate?

So is that as small as your crimes would go? Like if someone, you know, ate someone's chocolate, like how about taking a bite out of the chocolate and then putting it back because you don't like it oh death penalty oh wow that's

that carceral punishment for you oh the chair and i want to press the button myself for that that specifically wow what do you do have a history with oh she punched the table do you have do you have a history with this yes i the table Do you have a history with this Yes I hate the ones that have the little coconut stuff in it And that's all my sister would leave for me Oh Okay this goes way back Where is

Can I ask about your sister now Do you have a close relationship with her Yes Oh well great But she's so far Where is she She is in the International Space Station. Really?

Wow. Really? When you said far. I never would have said space. Never would have said space. No. Never. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Do you keep in touch with her? I do my best, but she is out there just doing the damn thing. Can you see her at night? Can I see her? No. Doug wants to know if he could go out and look up at the night sky and see where

she is every night. You can't. She's the big purple. She's the big purple? The big purple. Big blinking purple light. Okay. The station has a blinking purple light. That's how you know where she's at. Who is she with? Is she with a group of astronauts? Oh, she's with so many awesome guys up there.

Just her and some awesome guys. Oh, they're so... Here's the thing. They're so smart because they're astronauts, but they're also just regular people. They're down to earth. I mean, have you met them? No.

Just heard from her. I mean, they've just been up in space for so long. But they're down to earth. They are down to earth. They're super down to earth. They're super down to earth. They're just like you and me. They love Target. Do they miss Target being up there?

I mean, wouldn't you? I would, actually. I really would. I think I would. If I was in space, Target, Starbucks. It's like the thing where men think about the Roman Empire all day long. And I wonder if you were in space, how often do you think of Target? Oh, I mean, I got to guess like 30 times a day, men.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because so often I'm going, oh, I could just get that there. I'll throw that in the cart. I agree. I'm with you. I also agree. Doug doesn't like Target, though. He doesn't like to go with me. Those red carts. They'm with you. I also agree. Doug doesn't like Target, though. He doesn't like to go with me.

Those red carts. They creep him out. They creep me out. What's that? He doesn't like... They're too thick. He believes that a shopping cart should just be that wiry silver type. You can put your fingers through all the holes in the cart.

He got his fingers stuck in them one time in the Target. And it was... I mean, they had to call the fire department. It was a whole thing. The fire department. They had to saw it in half. Wow. Jaws of life?

Yes. Well, I got to say, it was big day for the color red. They what? Big day for the color red. They said that.

The fire department. They said that at the time and I thought it was humiliating. Yeah, so that's why he doesn't like Target. I understand. You're traumatized. Yeah. Little T, but yes. Little doesn't like Target. I understand. You're traumatized.

Yeah. Little T. But yes. Little T. Little T. Little T. Little T traumatized. And that's the kind of crime I want to work with.

Okay, well. Little T trauma. That's right. And that's a good place to sort of close this chapter in what we. In our lives. In my life. By saying goodbye to you. But now.

So tell me. Ari. Did you. So tell me, Ari, did you, what was your, you had a question? We might have had the same question. No, go ahead.

Take it away, Bert. What, are, are there any crimes that have not been reported to you but that you are, situations you're monitoring?

Great question. Oh, that's a great question. So I'm looking out, there's been someone who's just kind of been hanging around the library a little too much inside or outside both he's sort of in the parking lot he gets out of his car goes in sometimes outside sometimes in he's just there so much

and I'm like this can't be good is this because you find yourself at the library a lot or this is you actually kind of staking out what you think might be a potential crime scene in many ways like what Berndt would do sometimes great question I think there are so many things that could go wrong in a library you got all those books that could be a fire

you got all those well that is true believe me stories about most effed up stuff you ever heard of in your life in there that someone could read and get inspiration to do something kind of messed up I suppose that's true. I mean, where else can you find material about the darkest parts

of our world's history? The internet? The internet? The Dignity Falls Library has the darkness. Oh, no, no. Wait, babe, what were you going to say? What were you saying? Turn around.

Doug's got something. To their point, the Dignity Falls Library has the dark web section. It's true. Yes, I did forget about that. It's true, yeah. I forgot about that.

It's like, you know, in the old days of video stores where they have the poor section between the saloon doors. They have these sort of pink beaded curtains. I don't know why they're pink. Yeah, I know.

Really? Very misleading. Well, because you think like, girlies get in here, pink beaded curtains. And in reality, it's all the stinkiest old men. Have you been on dark Facebook? No. No, Doug, I don't know if we have time

to get into dark Facebook. But I love to download after the show and just sort of hear kind of your theories about what's going on there. People that I should be talking to. I actually think you, Doug, even though he terrified you at the beginning, little T. There's some trouble. I think you would get along really, really well. Oh, I can tell. Giving me the sound effect to me, that was the kind of thing that turns the week around.

Oh, that can tell. Giving me the sound effect, to me, that was the kind of thing that turns the week around. Oh, that's so great. I hope that you are happy that you came. I hope that you're happy that you came and maybe made a new friend. No, it's not ending. We should go for a few more hours, right? Oh, well, I don't know if we have time for that. I don't know.

Oh, well. But you already say a few more hours. No, I usually like to just check in with our guests, and I always like to feel as if we've sort of turned a corner for them. A lot of times it's emotional or social, and hopefully we've solved a problem. We're giving you some tools to go forward, because I think you're really looking for a community and you've really got

a lot of people here who are interested in what you have to say. You have Doug to talk to now. I just, I don't want you to feel lonely, you know, until the day you get to have

that long day with Brian Seacrest. That's right. Full body chills. You need, what did you say? Full body chills. Full body chills.

FPC. Good t-shirt. Full body chills in the front. Ice cold water in the back. That's a real story. Because if I saw that t-shirt, full body chills, and then the person goes on their way and I see ice cold water, I think they got the full body chills and then the person goes on their way and i see ice cold water i think they got the full body chills from the ice cold water exactly yes exactly baby shoes never worn

for sale etc oh dear Well, Ari, we of course, we wish you all the best. Yes. And we hope that you find what you're looking for. Thanks. You're welcome. And I really do hope that someone comes to you with a solvable crime, has nothing to do with murder or sex. And it's, I don't know, you never know.

It could happen. Ryan Seacrest might need some crime solved. Oh, I hope something happens to him. Well, no, not to him. Well, nothing crazy. Oh, everything's still intact. He's so happy, but he lost $400. Okay, so last question.

If Ryan Seacrest were to come to you in a in a crime in a crime investigatory capacity saying i need your help ari there there's a crime that's been committed what what crime would you hope that it was passion crime of passion crime of passion. A crime of passion. Perfect. Do you think Seinfeld stole that slap bass from Law & Order? I think he did. I never thought about it. Now that's a crime. What came first?

Now that's a crime. Well, that's about as much as we can play of that. Probably. Ari, thank you so much for being here. It was a pleasure to have you. Let's hear it for Ari! Ari, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thank you.

Yeah, get out of here. Oh, no! Thank you, Ari! You can stay yeah stay stay alright we do have you can sit

you can sit we do have to take one more break yes and then we'll be back with the rest of the neighborhood listen we've never done that before

I.S.O. my sister's favorite doll tuesday at sunset my sister and i were taking a walk in shelby park and noticed when we got back that her favorite dolly jane was missing out of her backpack please please reach out if y'all were or are going to be in the area. She is heartbroken. She has had this doll for 119 years, y'all. 119 years. She has carried it in her backpack. And it is her most prized possession.

I don't even know. She can't even talk right now. And we need to find that doll, y'all. The other reason, of course, is because if this doll is left alone, it could destroy an entire town with its dark magic. And yes, if you are looking for it, dark magic. And yes, if you are looking for it, it is true that the nose is made

with the tip of a human penis. So, just so you know, that's how you know it's authentic. Please get her dolly back. She really needs it. Thank you. Please get that off the screen. Please do. I mean, it really is. That's a crime right there, that doll. I truly. Please do. I mean, it really is. That's a crime right there.

That's all. I truly don't understand. I mean, it's horrifying. It's really terrifying. And I'm unfortunately looking at a close-up of it to read something. That was submitted by Carson O'Shoney. Thank you very much, Carson, for bringing that to our attention. It doesn't mean that was Carson's post.

It just means it's a submission. Just to be clear, okay? I don't know who that is. So when somebody submits something. We're bringing that to our attention. It doesn't mean that was Carson's post. It just means it's a submission. Just to be clear, okay? I don't know who... So when somebody submits something... I just didn't want anyone to think we were making fun of that person's doll who submitted it to us. Well, I think they have to learn to take that

because look at that doll. It was horrible. I know, I know. It's true. Have you ever seen a doll like that before? Oh! Gesturing to Connie. Gestured to Connie. Wow.

I mean, those two should link up. Wouldn't that be wonderful? They would be quite a pair. Oh, if dolls could have sex. All right. We'd like to finish with one more post and you can weigh in here, Ari, if We'd like to finish with one more post.

And you can weigh in here, Ari, if you'd like to. Yes. Because this one, oh boy. This one is submitted by Corey Rauterkuss. It's got to be Rauterkuss. It's got to be Rauterkuss. So it's Rauterkuss. Of the Dignity Falls Rauterkusses?

Yes. Strange experience last night. I live in Dignity Heights right off of Chester A. Arthur and Crabapple Highway. Around 10, it doesn't say a.m. or p.m. So that's up to you, Bernd. That's going to make you crazy. I was in my backyard, and I heard a ticking noise. It would get louder and then softer.

Finally, it was right over my house, and I think it was owls. But I've never heard owls tick like that. My mother was here in the kitchen so i yelled at her to come out quickly and she heard it too we could see them flying around and they finally headed east away from the house but it was so strange we could see them in the dark it was almost like they were glowing typically in the dark you see a bird for just a few seconds that's typical that's's a thing. Yeah. It's standard.

But we could see it for a long time even far away. Very strange indeed. I don't typically pay attention to anything like this but it was very odd. Has anyone ever heard

an owl tick? Or did anyone else hear or see this too? I know there were at least two but it could have been three or four so maximum four maximum maximum four maximum four ticking owls now obviously my first question

all right is to actually ask has anyone heard a ticking owl i mean this person this these were not owls these were not owls whatever they said not owls. I think they were bats. I'm just going to come out and say it. Oh, because bats do make a clicking sound. Yes. And you know, they are very easy to see. They flap a lot. And I mean, listen, I don't know what they're talking about by saying you really only see a bird for a couple seconds at night.

Well, I have no problem with that at all. When you see a bird at night, and they fly away max three seconds you can still see them. If you look up from your phone maybe you'll see them a little longer. Wow. Wise words for us all

Ari. She's settled in now. I think they were military grade drones. That's interesting. What makes you think that the well sounds sounds visibility and i think this person has enemies what what makes you say that well just the overall tone of that message calling things strange this seems like kind of a judgmental person maybe they have enemies so okay granted let's let's grant that the person has enemies yeah because they are so judgmental

but if they don't know the the owls if they don't know the drone the owls are drones and they just see these ticking owls that they can see for more than three seconds at night don't you think they're within their rights to say that's strange? No. Asked and answered. Asked and answered. I mean, there were two choices there. There were.

There really were. We got one of them. Here's what I think might be going on. If this person truly does mean ticking yeah because

it's as if they don't understand the word ticking they use the wrong word I think so what's that Doug I think I'm with you if I know where

you're going I bet you do Doug yeah I want to say in the early 80s there was a movie called Clash of the Titans

oh and it starred Harry Hamlin who would later be the star of I want to say in the early 80s, there was a movie called Clash of the Titans. Oh. And it starred Harry Hamlin, who would later be the star of L.A. Law, and one of those housewife shows. Mary Talisa Renna. That's right. There you go. That's how she knows it. He made the pasta.

That's right. It's not about the pasta. But then, also, Lord Lawrence Olivier in one of his final screen roles playing Zeus. Oh, wow. And in this movie, because it had come out after the film Star Wars had been such a huge success, they decided, we've got to get a robot in there. And so they had a character named, I think, Bebo. Or Boo-bo, Boo-bo.

And he was a mechanical owl that someone had sent to harry hamlin's perseus to accompany him on his journeys and i can be anything that was supposed to be like star wars it was their attempt to because it was a robot they just thought people like robots we'll do as well as star wars and i do remember that that movie was not a hugely successful movie, but in Dignity Falls, it was the number one movie. Oh, yeah. For the next four years. People in this town could not get enough of that movie. And I remember me and some of my little buddies, we all tried to build a robot owl.

Of course. And I think some of the kids were successful, and I think those robot owls are still flying around Diggity Falls to this day. That they've sort of become, it's an actual sort of group of owls that are just somehow still motoring around? I don't know about a group, four max.

Right. Four max, we wouldn't call that a group for Max. Right. For Max. We wouldn't call that a group. What do you call a group of owls? A quartet. Oh, no, you call them a parliament. A parliament of owls. Is that right?

Yes. I didn't know that one, Bert. I knew he would know that. You know what they call a group of crows. Murder of crows. A murder. That's how Sting says it. He managed to make it one syllable that time.

I'm not sure that's what I meant when I said that. I think he just infuses a lot into just one word, I guess. Not necessarily syllables. Just a lot of emotion. You like Sting, Ari? I'm not really into music. You just like the talking in between the music. Which is Ryan Seacrest.

Oh, I love banter. I love banter. I love hosting. Period. You should move to, you should go to England because it's nothing but hosting and go banter. Banter? Banter.

I'll get banter. I'll get chat. Presenters. Presenters. That's right. Ba-uh? Ba-uh. Okay, ba-uh. Good chat. Presenters. Presenters. That's right. That's right. I love that. And everybody looks

just so insane. I do like that presenter makes it sound like you're doing more, you know, than just reading. I think it makes it seem like less.

Really? Because it's sort of like presenter implies to me. I guess it just sounds fancier. Here it is, and then they leave. I guess. I guess host implies if you're hosting a party. Host has to be there the whole time.

Maybe it just sounds more fancy. It sounds dignified. Yes, maybe that's what I'm trying to get at. Presenter has better posture. Presenter has better posture. Host is doing the dishes after it's over. Okay, but back to the clicking owl parliament. Yeah, back to the ticking owls.

Yes. So that's my theory. Your theory is that it's those robots but back to the clicking owls yes uh so that's my theory your theory is that it's those it's the robot owls that still were okay um i guess i just see what's so weird is all i zero in on is my mother was in the kitchen and i immediately want to know what the story is with this person and his mother her mother is from james m i just i just immediately want to know what the story is there see i feel like i look between the lines like you do with the crime ari that i feel like i feel like that's the part that you skip over when you should really go back and look at it and doesn't it feel like they're providing a little too much information i do that is a bit

is a lot of information my mother was in the kitchen and I yelled out for her and she came out quickly. Who cares? You're lying. Oh my goodness. There it is. There's Bubo, who's the robot owl. Now you would see that for more than, you would see that

for a lot longer than four seconds. Oh my God, eight seconds. Yes. So I don't know if it's that because don't you think that would be,

unless, unless, because that one is like silver. It's like titanium or I don't know what it's made of, but it's not black. That would, that would be shiny. Wait, go back. Did he say it was shiny?

Go back. Did he say it was shiny? Can we go back? Can we pull up the post again? Glowing. Glowing. Burn. Maybe you're right.

Sorry. That's the, that's, that's the arm I tried getting out of the coffin with and my shoulder has never recovered. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I do apologize. I didn't realize that was your coffin shoulder. It was just doing that for like an hour.

I was buried alive, Ari. I don't know if you know. I really needed you. Where were you when I needed you? Underground. You were too. too oh my goodness we should all just keep being friends it's a nice sentiment it really is a nice sentiment uh well i think you i honestly think

that is the best guess i really do bern i think that you've nailed it i really do um and uh i also always love that when something happens in the middle of the night and it sounds like a one-time event. I don't know. It just seems like it's one of those one-time things. But then he asks, did anyone else see it? Which is just, it's always, it could have been weeks ago. You might just be reading it now. It's true.

There's no way to sort of catch up in real time on this app sometimes. It's very true. Although it does say one day ago. Well, in this case, it does. But still, but still, it sounded like a once in a lifetime. You know,

like when someone sees a UFO and everyone says, well, did anyone else see it? But I feel like there would be millions of posts if everyone saw ticking owls. But only this person saw it. It's kind of magical in a way.

I guess it is a little magical. Magical? What do you think? Big time. Well, it seems a little magical. Magical? What do you think? Big time. Well, it seems like we might have solved that one. We don't always get to solve them. That's true. We don't always get to solve them.

We really don't. But this one... I wonder if it's a certain someone's influence. I think so. Someone in a borrowed heirloom hat. It also looks... Actually wearing a hat, but mind tipping a hat. It also looks like Actually wearing a hat, but mind tipping a hat. Well,

that's a good note to go out on. Well, all right. Thank you so much for being here.

Of course, we want to thank everyone here at Dynasty Typewriter. Thank you and thank you

to Doug. Thank you to Doug. Come on out. Take a bow, Doug. He's got his nice shirt on.

There he is. We did an actual... Very good. He bows at each of us. He bows at us. I see. All right, folks. Well, I wish we could tell you that we know where season five of The Neighborhood Listen

is going to be, but we don't yet. It's coming. It's coming. But it is coming. We're going to start recording. We sure are. Yay! We're doing another episode tomorrow, so we'll see. Eventually, you'll be able to hear it. You will. But thank you all so much for being

here. I can't remember how we end the show. Oh, well, we say that's right. That's right. Let's all do it. You do your part. Say goodbye. Well, well, we say that's right. Let's all do it. You do your part. Say goodbye. Sorry, you go back up a bit. That's right. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you at home for watching the live

stream and thank you to the people in the future who are listening to this. And we'll see you next time for another episode of The Neighborhood Listen. And until then, goodbye. And bye. Bye.

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Mitra Jahari. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free,

as well as brand-new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to maximus subscribers your support keeps the show going