The Neighborhood Listen - Nude Clocks with Corin Wells

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

Burnt, Joan and Doug say hi to their international listener(s). Burnt fills in some details on his exciting new position, Joan frets over the whereabouts of the twins, and Doug reveals a product that has long been on his Christmas list. Then, guest neighbor Kimberl (Corin Wells) is looking to get rid of some very personal clocks!Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to the entire ad-free archive as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Look out, Canadian listeners, this one's for you. Coho is a mastercard with an easy-to-use app that makes managing your finances easier. Coho lets you earn cash back, borrow, build your credit history, and so much more. Join over 1 million Canadians and sign up for your free trial today. Download Coho on Google or App Store today or koho.ca for more details. Plus, for any basketball fans out there, get a $75 e-gift card for nbastore.ca when you sign up with the promo code koho75. That's code koho75. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. neighborhood listen knock knock who's there your neighbor good indignity falls you're never alone you've got the neighbor half app and us burnt and jode from coyotes to mail theft to weird things to

sell we'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well we'll chat about any posts you're missing so just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once more to The Neighborhood Listen, the podcast that looks at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls, USA. Oh, that's right. Don't get it twisted. We're not anywhere but USA. That's right. We are a town in the United States. Yes. Bert, you had your lips pursed for a good three seconds before you said, welcome. It was great. It was like your lips were prepped. No, but people can't see that because it's a podcast.

I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that. I loved it. I wonder if I went into a fugue state for a brief moment. No, I think you just, I think you just, well, maybe, but that's not a bad thing for the podcast. Is it? Okay, maybe not a fugue state. Is that true? You got into the, into the moment. that's not a bad thing for the podcast. Is it? Okay, maybe not. Is that true?

You got into the moment. Getting into the zone. Getting into the zone. Getting into the zone. Yeah, yeah. But yes, we are in the U.S. of A. That's right. Okay, we got that crossed off the list.

I'm Joe Pedestrian. And I am Burnt Me a Payday. We are citizens of Dignity Falls. This is our neighborhood. We love it. And we love sharing it with the world. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

We found out we have listeners. We did. In other countries. It was very exciting. It was strange to me. It was strange. What they must make up. Sometimes I forget anybody's listening.

Oh, sure. Sometimes it's like we're just doing this for ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, but we have a listener who is in argentina yes and we want to say hello to him hi do we have any more information we don't know we just know the name we just i wasn't aware of this i think we would have been better if we had the name no i wish we learned how to say hi if you are argentinian listener please write into us because we'd love to know who you are but we do have one listener primarily our listenership is uh here in dignity falls yes and then we do have someone in argentina

and we have someone in connecticut oh right which is also uh yes which is uh also in the usa yes don't argue with it don't get it twisted you can't't argue with it. You know what? You cannot make an argument about that. Now, Joan is, of course, my co-host here, and I'm her co-host, just so you know that we're equal hosts. Yes. And Joan is a realtor here in Dignity Falls. I am. As well as just a hell of an actor. Let me say it.

Wow. Okay, thank you. I wasn't sure what you were going to say. I wasn't either. Joan is an entertainer par excellence. Oh my goodness. That's quite a mouthful. But I appreciate it.

Mouthful of French. And let me say, it's a mouthful of French. And let me say that Bert is a fine, fine pharmacist. Thank you very much. Hey, how, and we're going to go right. Just fine. I enjoy the alliteration, but if you very much. Hey, how, and we're gonna, we're gonna go right. Just fine. I enjoy the alliteration, but if you didn't like it,

then fine. Fine, fine pharmacist, par excellence. Fantastic is also alliterative. Oh my gosh. Do you know what? Phenomenal.

Do you know what? I think fine is actually very to the point and I think it's better. That's just me. Well. When you say you're a fine person,

I just think what a lovely compliment that is. But if you, it depends on the inflection.. When you say you're a fine person, I just think what a lovely compliment that is. But it depends on the inflection. If you say you're a fine person. Well, now you've just ruined it. Blame the English language. Don't blame me, Joan. I blame the tone.

You know, people always say, Doug and I fight about this all the time. You know, I say tone matters. And I don't think men like that argument as much. Doug, my husband and our engineer, by the way. That's right. And Doug,

where are you recording us from today? I'm in the, the vision boardroom, the vision boardroom. Yes. Boardroom. Yes. We just called the boardroom.

Sometimes we like to have meetings in there. There is a long table with swivel chairs. Right. And, and like, you know, little speakers to take a call and some bottles of water. Do you use Cisco tele-systems?

Only the best. Now, this of course houses your vision board as well as your dream board. Because I know that, I believe the order was, first they have to go on the dream board. And then if they're good enough, they get promoted to the vision board. You mean me specifically? Yes. Have we talked about this before? We actually have. Wow you remember more than I do that's fantastic. I remembered it very recently. Can you take me through my process one more time? Yes I believe it was that you had a you have two boards you have a vision board and a dream board. Sounds like me.

And I think that first it's a dream and if it passes muster it gets promoted to the vision board. You know what? It's true. Because isn't that just how things start anyway? It's just a dream. Exactly. This podcast started as a dream.

A telephone. Literally, I had a dream about it. We've never discussed that. I know. It was weird because you had Doug's head and he had yours. But other than that, it was exactly like this podcast. What's the make of that? I don't know.

Better not look into it too far. We had our own bodies and our own clothes. Yes. But we just had each other's heads. Correct. Did that, was that, to you in the dream, was that confusing? Or were you just like, this is normal? Yeah, it was like one of those things where you're like, it's like my two, I almost said

friends. Well, one of them is my husband. It's like my husband and my friend, but not. Do you know what I mean? Do you feel like you married your best friend? i do i really do you know what i do that's nice when people say that yeah yeah i mean i do think it's i think it's overused i think it gets overused i also have many other best friends just be fair not not not i mean that's sorry babe but i mean i have a lot of best friends women have more friends than men don't you know but

you're talking about tone and then you say you have more than one best friend and you just call me a woman oh but you're my best guy friend how about that what husband doesn't want to hear that you're my best guy friend you're my best home friend yeah you're my best friend at home because if you're work friends, you have our home friends. I do. I do. Listen, again, I do think that they just, we have more friends. We just have more friends.

I just noticed that. I mean, I know you have the gang at the pharmacy. I have the gang at the pharmacy. And let me tell you something. We talked about this recently, but I am making the move to the Dignity Falls, Missy. This is very exciting. This is, for those of you who, just to recap uh it's it's this fantastic new pharmacy but the reason it says there is going to be a fall a actual waterfall in the middle that's right and also you can get many services done here

right it's sort of like it's not just a pharmacy a pharmacy a false missy it's not just a false missy it's not just a false missy you of, there'll be like a grocery aisle or two in there. Of course, yes. You can buy stationary supplies. Yes. Will there be as seen on TV items? There are as seen on TV items, yes. That's right. There's going to be one table. They will be... Doug loves those. He would

buy every single one of them if he could. What's your favorite one, Doug, that you've seen on TV? I like the toaster, but just for hot dogs. I haven't seen that. Not for hot dog rolls, but for hot dogs. Not for hot dog buns. It toasts for hot dog rolls.

It's not for hot dog buns or hot dog rolls. It's just for hot dogs. That's right. Yeah. They're very specific sized hot dogs. Are you talking about the kind they have like at a 7-Eleven where it does look like a toaster oven, but it's just rolling them slowly? No.

Those always, I know. To have one of those in your home? Is there anything more depressing? It would make me very sad. So wait, I'm sorry. Okay, so then explain it. Okay, well, I believe it's like yellow plastic, and it has specific holes that you put the hot dog in

vertically as if it were toast. And it actually does have bun holes too. And it's made of plastic? I believe so. How does the heating element deal with that? Obviously, there's probably a wonderful shellacked yellow finish on the outside. But on the inside, I'm sure it's a little bit more. I think it imparts flavor much like a cast iron.

Oh, wait. Really? Oh, so you can enjoy the flavor of plastic? Yellow plastic, yes. It imparts flavor much like a cast iron. Oh, wait. Really? Oh, so you can enjoy the flavor of plastic? Of yellow plastic, yes. It imparts flavor. Yellow plastic. That's what it says on the corner of the box. It imparts flavor!

With an exclamation point. What I do love about eating anything that's prepared in a cast iron skillet is the metallic taste in my mouth. Yes. That's what I love. I'm like, did I cut my lip? No. Do you know what I'm saying?

Do you know all those movies from the... All those movies when people just hit someone over the head with a frying pan and I always thought, well, that's not realistic until I held an actual cast iron skillet. Those things are damn heavy. You really, they are a blunt object. Oh, you thought the realism was challenged that the person... Well, you know why?

Because also the sound it made, like in a cartoon, it would always be like a kanging and it's like, no, no, no. It would be a much deeper thud. I thought you were going to say because the person well you know why because also the sound it made like in a cartoon it would always be like a king and it's like no no no it would be a much deeper thud i thought you were gonna say because the person survived this attack no no they never do what what are these movies where people are murdering people with a skillet are you thinking about slow death just bleeding out on the floor i'm mainly thinking of fried green tomatoes you're made okay so you're mainly thinking of fried green tomatoes okay now i have not seen that character kills him with her and she's amazing and it's really it's one of my favorite movies whose character does what i didn't know she was in that movie. Well, I just spoiled it for you because it's an amazing movie. Oh, is she a surprise cameo?

No, but she's a surprise murder. A surprise? Yes, it's a surprise murder. Whom did she murder? It's a reveal at the end. You can tell. Oh, horrible. And listen, if you want to skip ahead, folks.

Abusive, racist, white man. It's a great ending. It's a great reveal. And is she prosecuted for this or? No, no, no, no. Oh, Byrne, you've got to see this film. It's fantastic. It's feminist.

It's got Mary Sturm Masterson and Kathy Bates and Jessica Tandy and Mary Louise Parker and Cicely Tyson. This is all I know about it. Okay. Is that Kathy Bates intentionally hit someone with her car. Yes. Tawanda! Yes. That's all I know.

That's what she yells. She's older and she has more insurance. That's right. She says, oh, but you got to say it like her. Face it, ladies. I'm older and I have more insurance. Oh, it's so good. That was uncanny.

I don't really think I sounded like her. But again, it's all about tone. I wanted the tone to get across. Joan, you're absolutely right. What were we talking about? It doesn't matter. I could talk about fried kids. This be a fried green tomatoes episode?

Uh oh. Smelling a bonus room. Smelling a bonus room. So. We were talking about a skillet. And we were talking about. We were talking about the bun. No, we were talking about the hot dog toaster.

Well, now I know what to get you for Christmas, babe. Oh my God, please. He said it like I've never gotten him anything he's wanted in his life. I didn't take it. I took it more like he's been wishing for this thing for years. I wish you would. He's mad about the best friend thing. I'm telling you, that's what it is.

Probably. Yeah, he's upset about it. I rarely get mad. It's true. We've been under a little, we've had a little tension because- Oh, I'm sorry. Well, nothing crazy, but you know, okay,

because of the whole total face change thing, right? Which I, but I have good news, okay? Okay, let me catch up the listener, just in case they don't know. Joan, of course, she's about, she shot, you did shoot the pilot, you're about to shoot the pilot for her reality, realty reality TV show. I mean, we're in pre-pro is what they say're about to shoot the pilot for her reality. Realty reality.

I mean, we're in pre pro is what they say. I think that's what they call it. What does that mean? Pre-production. It's just shortened. Everything's shortened. Oh,

there's just no time. You got to move. Yeah. But I would say that stands for too many other things. Sorry. What was that? Let's put this on the vision board. If I dream board first.

Well, yeah, we'll wait for Joan to dream of it. Wait for Joan to dream of it. Yeah, that's really what the dream board is. It's just my dreams. Yeah. Yeah, my actual dreams that like I dream of at night. And if there's anything there, then they get promoted to the vision board. Yes, right. So, okay.

You're in pre-production and joan joan feels that the reality the realty game has changed so much because of these reality shows about realtors that you have to look a certain way and she has been talking about having this procedure done and it's called a total face change yes and and boy you know when i shared this i did not expect everyone to have such a strong reaction i I really didn't. You really didn't? Joan, it's called total face change. People care about you. They know you with one face.

And then you're saying, I'm going to get my face changed completely. It's a total face change. I think I lost perspective and just thought, just didn't consider how everyone else would respond to it. I think that's what happened. I just didn't consider how everyone else would respond to it. I think that's what happened. And so remember, I promised you that I would go in and sort of like have a little get get answer a few more questions, dig into it a little deeper. And you'll be happy to know that for now, I am pumping the brakes on it a little bit. OK, because because of exactly what I'm saying, what we're talking about right now is that I kind of lost perspective.

And Doug sort of, you know, made his case that he just really and this is another reason why the best friend thing is hard is because just a couple nights ago he said you're my best friend and I don't want to not recognize my best friend oh and he didn't qualify at all I said yeah right he didn't say you're my best and I also have other best friends so I feel like I owe it to him as his only best friend to not change what I look like. And did your kids have anything to say about this? Do they know? Twins still missing.

Twins still not. They're still, since Halloween, they're still on their prank. There have been, there have been a couple clues. Right. Mostly thumbprints.

Mostly thumbprints. No other fingers? No. It's so creepy. Not even footprints. And I think it's part of the clip. Not even footprints. It's part of the clip. Not even regular household footprints.

Just thumbprints here and there on a door jam, on a wall, on a milk carton. but i mean are they are they are the are the are they putting their hands in something i don't know yes yes like how are you identifying the different colors you know is it i mean it's a mess let me tell you i just want to know where the twins are but i think it's a clue and I think thumb, it's specifically a thumb for a reason. Right. But I haven't had a chance to unpack it yet because again, I've

been dealing with, you have another question I can tell. Well, do you know whose thumb it might be or are they taking turns? They really do have identical thumbs. Joan has fraternal, Joan and Doug, excuse me. They have fraternal twins who are identical. But they're...

The thing that's most identical about them is their thumbs. Yes, it's a remarkable case. Take after my thumbprint. That's right. It's a... It's very squiggly lines. Yes, he's got a very fancy thumbprint. Oh, very good. I'm jealous. That's a curly

fuse. He's got a very fancy... what's the word? A whorl. It's called a whorl. This is real. A W-H-O-R-L. W-H-O-R-L. I made it shorter. Whorl. A W-H-O-R-L. Never mind. We were talking about shortening things. He's got a very intricate

thumbprint. But they're both exactly similar. So I wouldn't be able to see if they're all you don't know if it's it's matt or remember the alamo jones jones twin boys am i yeah it's a strange it's a strange name i agree it's a strange perhaps the strangest name you've ever heard to What inspired that? To name a child, remember the Alamo. What inspired that? It was kind of like a Steve Carell, Kelly Clarkson moment. It's what I yelled as I pushed him out.

Oh, sure. Sure. You had to keep it. Because I had a hypnobirthing coach and she said, you know, just shout your favorite hypnobirthing. Have you never heard of it? No, you haven't? Yeah, I have. Of course. i was just pretending to be surprised it's just you know it's like one of those podcasts where and you know like a sort of uh sciencey podcast

where the one host pretends not to know anything even though they've had extensive meetings about what they're going to talk about but he has to say now what right or like on a talk show when it's very clear what the actor is going to say or a hot dog why would jimmy kimmel has to say, now what? Right. Or like on a talk show when it's very clear what the actor is going to say. Or a hot dog taster. Why would Jimmy Kimmel know to say, have you ever been to Saskatchewan? You know, and it's like, oh. The king is Byron Allen. Oh, really?

Byron Allen's entertainers. Oh, I know who he is. Who would prompt things like, oh, he gets his round table of comedians together. And he says, now you lost your keys on a roller coaster. Oh, really specific like that. I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they have to do the bit.

So hypnobirthing is sort of just, it's sort of this idea of like almost meditation, like getting yourself almost into a sort of hypnotic state so that the pain- I gleaned that from hypno. Okay, well- I thought it's gotta have something to do with hypnosis. Well, then there you go. You kind of already knew what hypno. Okay, well. I thought it's got to have something to do with hypnosis. Well, then there you go.

You kind of already knew what it was. Okay, great. And so you usually sort of like place yourself in a very, like a forest or by a babbling brook. And so when the pain gets really bad, the contractions, you sort of go there, right? And it's very steeped in breathing and time breathing, but also like mantras, right?

And so, you know, she was saying, just say some of your favorite, like there were like Tawanda was one of them from Fried Green Tomatoes. I did Tawanda a lot. But I have to say, I don't know where Remember the Alamo came from. I just know it's a thing, you know, that was supposedly yelled. Do we know for sure that it was or is that just a... Do we know if it was yelled?

Yeah. I think it was a slogan that people would say and it was it was to get it was to get people i think involved in the spanish-american war or something i can't remember remember the main was another one because i just thought someone shouted it just once and it really stuck they were like hey remember when that guy yelled remember they're like put him on a t-shirt years from now. What's a t-shirt? Okay, so anyways, that's why that's what the other twin is named.

Right. So anyways. And it's all one word. Yes, it's all one word. No hyphens, no nothing. Remember the Alamo. Apostrophe. Right. Okay, so not all the way straight through. It's a tribute to your Irish heritage. so remember the alum apostrophe right

tribute to your Irish heritage so they're not here yet remember the alum remember the alum oh don't you remember the alum oh oh and would you ever remember the Alamo?

What a time it was. Okay. That's enough of that. I'm not upset. I was just, it's more like a note to myself to keep going. Absolutely. I just want to mirror your energy. Oh, okay.

Well, if that was my energy, maybe I should shift it because perhaps it was a bit aggressive. So just continuing on uh the boys are not around july p is here but uh we have yes my daughter um she uh and you know what that's another reason because i worried about you know especially it's so hard for gals i was like oh i don't want her to see her mom want a total face change you know and get interested interested. So instead of that, I am taking a break. I'm working on my Christmas cabaret. And for Christmas break,

I'm going to do, I thought, you know, I was doing that for some other people. Maybe I wasn't doing that for myself. So I'm just going to do something for myself. So I'm going to do a neat pray love. Although I do have a wonderful marriage. So that's,

and I'm not very religious. You married one of your many friends. So I think, so I think mostly what I'm going to do is I'm going to do an eat. He's not going to bother with the prey. No. As I'm, as I'm hearing myself talk about it, like I don't need love. You know, I have love. Right.

And, and I, I'm not really, I'm just not very religious. Right. We haven't really talked about this. I mean, we've talked about your friend who has a lot of Catholic stories, but I don't know if you. I'm spiritual-ish, I guess. Got it. And babe, I don't know.

Where are you at now? We haven't talked about this in a long time. Where are you at spiritually? It is good, I think, for couples to check in every once in a while. Especially when they're best friends. I think every, what would you say? Every five years, should you check in with your partner and while. Especially when they're best friends. I think every, what would you say? Every five years,

should you check in with your, with your partner and say, what do you believe in now? I think so. I think so. It changes. I mean, it can. It can change.

Yes. Babe. I think the first, the first 10 pages of all of them are pretty much right. Of all of them. Yeah. Of all of the, the,

the holy texts you say. Hmm. You've read 10, the first 10, have you read only the first 10 pages of all of them yeah of all of the the holy texts yes you say hmm you've read 10 the first 10 have you read only the first 10 pages of all of them i don't know i mean i think i think that's i think it's a good general rule of thumb well how many have you read let's let's start there assuming you haven't read all of them but you've read enough to say they all pretty much follow the same although 10 pages do you know what sorry sorry to interrupt but you've read enough to say they all pretty much follow the same. Although 10 pages. Do you know what? Sorry. Sorry to interrupt,

but you just said something. Doug said something that he says all the time. Oh, there's more. I'm sorry. He said rule of thumb. Did you hear that? Yes.

I think that has something to do with the thumb prints because it's something he's constantly saying. It's a rule of thumb and they'll say it to the boys. Like he said it all the time. You know, like we don't burn things down as a rule of thumb it's a rule of thumb and he'll say it to the boys like he said it all the time you know like we don't burn things down as a rule of thumb as a rule of thumb as rule of thumb sorry did i say it's a rule no no just it's a funny thing to say we don't burn things down as a rule of thumb the more the more i say it and hear it it sounds like gibberish to me rule of thumb i think also comes from the bible because it was the rule of 10 pages the rule because you thumb through it

with your thumb? Because the original Bible had in the corner a little flip book somebody had drawn. It is the rod with which you are allowed to beat your wife. Oh, Lord. It should be no thicker than your thumb. That's the rule of thumb.

Oh, God. See? Not very religious anymore. I don't like that. I'm glad you don't. You know what I hate, though? Okay. When people lick their fingers and then turn the pages. Disgusting. Absolutely awful. There's no need to do that. I only do that when counting money.

Is there anyone? I don't know about you. We don't have anyone in our family, but that's what's always surprising to me about nail biters because I'm always so worried. Have they washed their hands before they do that? That's a big habit for a lot of people. That's a really good question. That's tricky.

And I guess it takes the fun out of biting your nails. If you have to get up and go wash your hands, then now I can bite my nails. Now I can shove them in my mouth. You know, I have a friend who's a nail terror. Ooh. When the nails get long, long enough to peel, you know, then that's what he will do. Oh, yikes.

Yeah. And it's, you know, he's, my friend has said it's kind of satisfying. Ooh. But then, of course, sometimes it goes down. The nail or like the skin is coming off? Oh, the nail. Okay. Oh, wow. But that's intense, sometimes it goes down. The nail or like the skin is coming off? Oh, the nail. Okay. Oh, wow.

But that's intense. Oh, you mean like this way? I don't know why I was imagining. Oh no. Like a torture? Like pulling the fingernails? No, no, no. Just the part you would trim.

I see. Just that part. Yeah. So just ripping it off off the top is satisfying. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. But sometimes goes too low and then it's a nightmare okay yeah uh well so i think okay so i'm just gonna log that maybe can you write that

up on the vision board babe the the rule of thumb just because i want that goes right to the vision board it does because this is becoming an urgent matter i really need to find the boys um they're they're you can't wait for them to just spring out at you they have lots of library books that are overdue i've we've got i've got so many bills piling up of things that they haven't turned it on time and i need to get them and they need to try to get them to go back to school for a semester because now they've almost missed a semester of school unless they're somehow doing their studies where they wherever they're hiding i don't know i'm a look well that would be nice if they were in their tiger pit or wherever they are,

they're still reading the old textbooks. What? In addition to library books, racking up fees, what else have they not returned? That is piling up. Surely not VHS tapes. Nope.

Can't say that. They have shoe rental. Lime scooters. Shoe rental from the bowling alley. Yeah. Yeah, they have so many. You can take the shoes out. I mean, you can't, but our boys think, and so does Doug think that you can.

Yeah. Because Doug knows the owner really well, and they have this sort of agreement, according to him. But not when he talks to me and leaves very angry voicemails for me about those shoes. And when I went in the garage the other day, there's like seven pairs of shoes. That's not okay. We can't have those. We need to bring them back. Is this Gus Bilstrom? Yes.

Yeah. He's an angry guy. Well, he is. He is. Why does he hate any time somebody bowls? He runs a bowling alley. Yeah. And yet, when people, anytime anybody rolls a ball down the lane, anytime somebody bowls he runs a bowling alley and yet anytime anybody rolls a ball down the lane he yells keep it down

what are you doing there Gus he hates strikes he should have chosen he'll march out onto the lane sometimes he'll turn the lane off he'll turn the lights down final warning He'll march out onto the lane. Sometimes he'll turn the lane off. He'll turn the lights down.

Be like, that's enough of that. Final warning. That's right. Final warning. I remember once he yanked the plug out of the snack machine. He goes, no snacks for an hour. Oh, he's such a grump. He should be at the library.

It'd be a perfect place for him to work. Oh my goodness. Instead of that Madeline Silver, who is the loudest librarian I've ever met. This really does seem like they're in the wrong places. It really does. We have some things like that at Dignity Falls that, you know, we've got opposites and this and that. Yeah, it is a place where we've got opposites and this and that.

This? Opposite of that? Doug, you couldn't be more right. You couldn't be more right, Doug Doug should I put that on the vision board go right ahead go ahead I don't think I know what a vision board is no I don't think you do I don't know what it is

I don't know what vision comes out of this is the opposite but also just putting rule of thumb on there we should have caught it then because we have access to like a but also just putting rule of thumb on there because i don't want to forget because i want to start yeah we should have caught it because we have access to like a big dry erase board right now and i just wanted it up there so that i could start a list of a list of what i think these clues from the twins mean so i just didn't want to forget it oh so the clues are thumbprints rule

of thumb yes wait sorry what were you gonna say thumbprints and rule of thumb. Yes. Wait, sorry. What were you going to say? Thumbprints and rule of thumb? Or you're saying rule of thumb is a subset of thumbprints? I think they're all going to be. Yes. I think there is going to be a subset because, okay, thumbprints is a clue. Right. But I see rule of thumb also is maybe a clue. Like that clue is supposed to lead me to rule of thumb, which will be another clue.

Right. Does that make sense? It does. Okay. It does. All right. Okay. So, so far, just the thumbprints thumb, which will be another clue. Right. Does that make sense? It does. Okay. It does. All right. Okay, so far, just the thumb prints. All we got is thumb prints.

Okay, all right. Okay. It just occurred to me. So this is the beginning of something, you know, hopefully that we'll find them. God, I hope so. I hope you find them before they jump out at you, because I know that will be terrifying.

It's awful. It's the worst. I mean, there's so many, we have so many different tangents going here. I you because I know that will be terrifying. It's awful. It's the worst. I mean, there's so many, we have so many different tangents going here. I know, I know. I'm excited for the Christmas cabaret. Oh, and this is just going to be all new material. Uh, well, uh, no, it'll be half and half.

I'm not sure that I can write 17 Christmas songs in a week. I rented the space and, uh, and their tickets are already being sold and I haven't really been able to do a whole lot. Um, so, uh, because I only just now started eating again. Cause you know, I couldn't eat because of the, um, you're supposed to not eat for five weeks. So now, oh, thank God that's over. Um, and, uh, and so now just now my brain's starting to work properly again to sort of put together this show. So i'm happy with that so but but yes i mean i think i'll have more information on that for the next episode right now i i kind of i'm just really stressed out about it oh sure of course so uh but i'll get

it together i i always pull it together you know that i know you do yeah and here's here before we go to break it just uh some quick news from me uh because at the dignity falls mc they do have such a uh high ceiling uh to accommodate the water feature um for chris for the christmas season they are also going to include a uh a faux chimney yes and i'm going to reprise my role as Santa Claus, which I haven't done for many years. Oh my goodness, that's fantastic! This time I will actually get to go down a chimney. Oh, wow. Burnt is such a

fantastic Santa. Oh, this makes me so happy! How do you go down it? Is it like a slide? Is it at a slight incline? Is it a rappelling? It is at a slight incline, but... Are you thinking he's either inside or outside? Is that what you're asking? Like because of how it's set up in the Falsmacy? I'll be inside.

You're literally going inside and then coming out the bottom. Yes, absolutely. It is just like a chute. Like for each child or you'll just make your entrance? For each child, I will. I slide down the chimney and then I talk to the child and then I go back up the stairs. Yeah. That's, that's going to be kind of a lot, but what a great commitment. I think they're going to love it because then each child feels very special. They get their own chimney slide.

Because if I do it once, if I do it at the top of the session, then that first child gets to be the first one who got to talk to Santa straight out of the chimney, out of the fireplace. And it's unfair to the other kids. Totally. Yeah. Do you like a bunch of padding? Do you like a big thick beard? Do you go for, you know, are they getting you a suit? Do you have a preference?

They're getting me a suit and it is top of the line. It is film quality. And I'm glad of that because the way I'm going down the chimney, it does seem to be just a straight shot down and they are going to put a mattress down there. Oh, good. Yeah, but it is

very tall. So you haven't tried it yet? Is it constructed yet? I haven't tried it yet. Okay. Well, you've got to get back to us. I want to hear about that. It is being constructed and it is dizzying to look up how how many feet tall are we talking uh well it's the the falzma c is five stories all right so so you you probably need to practice this a lot because it sounds like you might injure yourself if you're not careful you gotta learn how to land that is my concern yeah okay. Well, I think it's fantastic news. We just, we just want you to be safe.

Well, thank you. Well, yeah. I wish the same for you. When I say we, I mean, all of our listeners, that person in Argentina that we do not know. Yes. Please get at us. Yep. You heard burnt.

Get at us. I think that's a perfect time to go to a break. I think so too. Let's get at a break. When we come back, we let's get at a break. When we come back, let's get at a break. That's fun. Yeah, it is fun. When we come back, we will have a guest with us right here at the Kitchen Island

when The Neighborhood List returns. Hi, this is Rose. Decorations all for $3. And as you can see, you might say to me, Okay, Rose, this looks like just a random bunch of wheat tossed sloppily into a plastic bag. And all I have to say to that is, yes, the bag is part of the decorations as you see it says decorations all for three dollars see

there's so many different things you can do with this wheat as some of its broken I think that makes it interesting you can use the bag for decoration as well. So if you ask me, I think this is a bargain. So once again, it's decorations all for $3. What looks to be like just random wheat thrown into a bag. And it's just leaning up against a bunch of other shit. So please come on down and give me my $3. And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. And as promised, we have a guest with us.

We sure do. Here's what we do. We scour the NeighborHap, the social networking application that's all about neighborhoods. We find interesting people that we want to get to know better. Yes. We do this through their posts. We invite them on the show, we read the post, and then we talk about it. It's just that

simple. Simple as that. And listen, if you feel like we've missed a post of something that's happening here in Dignity Falls, if you're out there, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at burtonjoneatgmail.com and then we'll read it. That's right. Or won't.

No comment sections. I think people have gotten the message and that's been really good. We've gotten some good posts from listeners and we really do appreciate it. Without further ado, we're going to read this. This is in the recommendation section. This is from Kimberly.

And Kimberly says, where does one go to sell some clocks that have nudity on them? That is the headline, if you will. Kimberly goes on to say, I have four and the husband is up north for the weekend. Dot, dot, dot. Need them to disappear.

Very intriguing. It is. It really is it so many things i have so many questions already so many and please welcome to the neighborhood listen kimberly kimberly hello yeah good to be here uh it's actually kimberl i dropped the y since making this post i have i've i've since dropped the Y. How did you arrive at that decision? I don't know. I don't trust Ys. The letter Y. The letter Y. It doesn't know what it wants to be as far as vowel versus consonant.

Oh, sure. You put that blame on the letter itself. I do. I do. I do. I never even thought about it that way, but that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes Y. Sometimes Y. I never even thought about it that way, but that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes why? Yeah. Sometimes why? Make up your mind.

Choose this side. It does seem. Yeah, the why has an identity crisis. It does seem very. A why-dentity crisis. It's kind of sloppy when you think about it. It is. It really is.

Sometimes why? So. Why don't we nail this down? Well, I mean, we have so many questions, though. So many questions. I'm here to answer. Kim Burrell. Do you want to go first, Joan have so many questions, though. So many questions. I'm here to answer. Kimberl. Do you want to go first, Joan?

Oh, no, no. I can tell you got one in the barrel right now, ready to go. I got one in the barrel. Which means it's out of the chamber and it's on its way. Well, shoot me right in the face. Here we go, Kimberl. Can you tell me why you need them to disappear? Because here are the two scenarios I'm picturing in my mind.

Either these clocks belong to you and your husband despises them, and you're taking this opportunity to get them out of the house so that when he comes back, they'll be gone. Or are they your husband's clocks? You despise them. And while he's away on his whatever trip, you're getting rid of them. And then when he comes back,

then they'll be gone and I'll have no choice. Well, I'll be honest with you. You're wrong on both accounts. What? I love it. They belong to both of us. Okay. And the nudity represented on all four is both of us. Oh, wow.

Oh, okay. Because that was one of my questions. What type of nudity is this? Like World War II pin-up, you know? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. We got one for every decade. No, but I thought maybe they were drawing... Are these...

Starting at what decade? Starting at 1940. Oh, stop, stop. Starting at what decade? Starting at 1940. Oh, okay. Okay. 1980. So just a couple. Yeah. How many clocks do you have? Four. That math tracks. That's right. I think so, yes.

Forties, sixties, seventies. One for each. One for each. I didn't know if you had several. We skipped the seventies. You skipped the 70s. That's not attractive nudity. 70s nudity? No one needs it. Everyone's bodies were so weird.

Are these actual photos or are these sort of done by an artist? Are they sculptures? Or sculptures, yeah. What is the medium for the nudity? Oh, sorry. Doug thought they came out like a German cuckoo clock. Like a procession of nudity. Just some wooden

carved... Well, I will say we didn't do that, but each clock is a different clock. One is a standard face clock with just a collage of photos. Then we got like a... As the face of the clock. Yes, as the face of the clock. Then we have like

a full-size grandfather clock that is carved in the shape of our bodies united. Oh, like in an embrace? You can call it that. I don't know. It's more aggressive than an embrace. Oh, so penetration. Yes.

Oh, my. Okay. And this is on the face of the clock or like the pendulum that swings? It is the shape of the grandfather clock itself. Oh, wow. Wow. I can't picture what that looks like, but it must be very beautiful. Is it like carved wood or is it?

Bamboo. Oh, carved bamboo. Carved bamboo. Okay. I don't even know how. Again, I cannot picture it. Well, you've got to play Animal Crossing. In which, oh. Yes. Okay. And I don't even know how. Again, I cannot picture it. Well, you've got to play Animal Crossing. And I don't, but I understand.

I understand. So wait, which one is which corresponds to which decade? So you've got the face clock. That was the most basic of them. That was the 40s because we had limited resources then. The war. Oh, sure. And then in the 50s, that's when we had limited resources then. Sure, the war. Oh, sure. Oh, the war. And then in the 50s,

that's when we had like an alarm clock situation. And the alarm part of it was just the moaning. Oh, okay. The moaning. The mourning? The moaning. Oh, okay. Well, that's the play on the words.

Oh, sure. Yes. It's just a bunch of moaning in the morning. So it would be the moaning of your, that's the play on the words. Oh, sure. Yes. It's just a bunch of moaning in the morning. So it would be the moaning of your sexual intercourse. Exactly. But also some nudity. Also some nudity on that. On top of having this...

Did you say just a sticker? Yeah. Okay. On top of having the theme be different for each decade, you also paid attention to what materials were available at the time to make the clock. Did you have these? Well,

keep going. Cause I wanted to hear the rest of them. And then the, the third one, which was in the, the sixties is where we're at. That was a sundial. Oh,

and the shadow that was cast is me penetrating my husband oh wow yes okay okay how is that accomplished because is it is it is it that the the die the uh the sort of what do you call the thing on the sundial which which thing are you asking about accomplishing because i'm saying what let's make let's make sure we're not answer ask making her answer a personal question oh yeah this is strictly about the sundial. Okay. It wasn't clear. The last thing she said.

How is the shadow? The very last thing she said was me penetrating my husband. And you said, how is that accomplished? Oh, no. I have a pretty good guess. But I'm talking about the shadow is the, what do you call that thing? It's like a shark fin kind of thing. The shark fin.

Yeah, the shark fin. The sundial shark fin. The wedge? The shark fin wedge, is that a standard sundial shark fin wedge? And it casts a shadow that is you penetrating your husband. Or is the shark fin wedge shaped like you penetrating your husband? Or is it like a stencil cutout? It's a stencil cutout.

Stencil cutout. stencil cutout. It's a stencil cutout. Stencil cutout. And is it, was it a sundial because of sort of like a mid-century modern sort of 60s-ish feel? Exactly. Oh, I love it. So is it more of an absence of a shadow that is

cast? Yes. Okay. Yes, it is. It's the light. Our bodies uniting is the light. Oh, that is beautiful. Oh, that is actually very poetic. It's lovely. And then the 80s? And then the 80s, that's the grandfather clock. Oh, that is actually very poetic. Lovely. And then the 80s and then the 80s. That's the that's the grandfather clock. Oh, that's the grandfather clock. So wait, did I miss what the 50s

with the alarm clock? That's right. Okay. And then did you have these commissioned or did you make them yourself? We handmade them ourselves. My husband is a clock maker. Oh my goodness. He has a little shop down on Elderberry. You should check it out. Wait a minute.

Are you talking about TikToks and pants? That's the one. I've been by that place. It's such a charming looking store. It really is. It really is. It's so charming. Yes.

I just want to go in there, but it looks like such a perfect world. I don't want to disturb it. It's so cute because there's three parking meters out front, four to the store specifically, but now it makes sense because one of them is a sundial. Like, you know,

in terms of like how, when you pay for parking, it's like an old grandfather clock that's keeping your time. And I just always thought that was so sweet. But now knowing the backstory, that's even sweeter. I like the third one is fun

because it's like a clock tied to a bunch of dynamite. Yes. That one's a little bit confusing because they're like, wait a minute. That was his mother's idea. His mother actually started that store. Oh, wow. Inherited it from her. Amazing. You always hear about sons inheriting from fathers, but no, he inherited it from his mother. Good for her. Good for her and good for him. Really flip the script. And what is your husband's name, may we ask? Ken. Oh, Ken and Kimberl. Kimberl. I'm sorry. Oh, I

thought I said it. Kimberl. Kimberl. Got it. Okay, so now we get to the question. Yes. Why must these clocks, as you put it, disappear? Yeah, especially since they seem to embody the beauty of your husband and your relationship. Tribute to your love.

Well. And you have a clock store. The thing is. There's also that. There's also that. is, is that whenever I see them, I get real, you know, nostalgic and hot and bothered for our, you know, former sexual escapades.

And he is just bored. Really? He doesn't want it. And I'm like, well, normally I don't want it, but when these clocks are around, I do want it. So I gotta get rid of them while he's away. What rooms are the clocks? They're all about.

They're all about. All about. So you're not thinking about it, about sex, until you wander into one of these rooms. I see. So it's kind of a trigger for you. That immediately does it. Yes. So may I ask, how long have you two been married?

Oh, since 1933. Okay. You look terrific. Thank you so much. I could say timeless, but boy, would that be too on the nose? I wouldn't have put you over 70 years old. Well, higher. Well, that's what I'm saying.

It's like. Bump it up. Yeah. You look like a girl of 70. So then you were married in the 30s. You decide who had the idea to make this. I was married for almost 100 years. That's beautiful.

That's beautiful. Thank you. It is. It's congratulations. And I would would say what's the secret but but now i guess i still want to know well but it sounds as if maybe some you know a flame has sort of gone out or something finally yeah after all this time hey it happens in every marriage whether it's you know the seven year itch or hundred centennial itch um so okay so then if i'm remember if i'm sort of like mapping this out right you got married in the 30s then by the 40s you decided this this clock thing came

about whose idea was that? Well, you know, it was funny because he was whittling a clock for our anniversary. How does that? Let me ask you. I'm imagining the not the face part of the clock or maybe maybe it was all entirely made out of wood. Do you get the mechanism into a block of wood and then you start whittling like a david but the you see the clock inside it's it's one of those things where you just don't want to peek behind the curtain because of course you just have more questions i understand um but he was whittling this little clock and he like showed it to me he was like look what i did and it was a phallus and i said stop it oh and then he was like, look what I did. And it was a phallus. And I said, stop it. And then he was like, what if we just hide a bunch of dicks in all the clocks we sell?

Wow. And I said, shut up. That's crazy. And he was like, I'm doing it. And then I was like, that's the sexiest thing I've ever heard. Make me a clock with my titties on it. And then he did it. And that was the first one.

And it became a tradition. What a charming story. Wait, so are you saying that also every clock you sell, if we look closely, has a hidden phallus on it? Surprise, surprise. Well, now I've got to go and look closer. I'm going to look at every clock from now on. I'm going to look at what the hands of the clock are doing.

Disney was not the first to do it. Yes. Just make that a little guy, little priest have a boner and little mermaid. Wow. Okay. But then, okay.

So now my next question is, okay, so he did it for the forties. He did it for the fifties. He did it for the sixties, skipped the seventies. Why did you stop after the eighties? Is this when you're saying

sort of the... And that would put you at about how... Now at that point you're in the 70s, right? How old were you when you were married? Well, probably like 25. 25 years old. Which was late for the 30s. Of course it was.

People getting married at 11. Did you have any children? Can I ask? Yes. And that's what happened in the 80s. Oh, okay. We welcomed our first child. Wait.

Hang on a second. So you were married. You were 25 in the 1930s. That's right. So you were in your 70s when you had your first kid. Wow. It's amazing. Yeah.

And how many did you have? Oh, just the one. I don't blame you. At that point. I think quite well your head. Can I ask, was this baby planned or was it a surprise? Oh, this was a surprise. I would imagine.

This was an accident. I thought I had cleared everything out. Sure. You know. But lo and behold lo and behold i pushed a little head arms and legs out of there fully healthy that's amazing and and but you're just saying that because of course with the new with the newborn and everything, less time for clocks, less time for clock making, less time for making love or being depicted making love on a clock. Exactly, exactly. You'd be surprised how hard it is

for two septuagenarians. I mean, I'm already imagining it's hard. Yeah, raising a baby and also trying to, you know, keep the flame alive. Oh my goodness. Okay. And so then that's, would you say that's when it started to decline?

I would say so. Okay. All right. I would say so. I tried to pitch something in the 90s. Which was what? It was a microwave clock. Oh, right.

Yes, yes, yes. A microwave clock. Oh, right. Yes, yes, yes. A microwave clock. And instead of like the digital numbers, it was digital versions of our bodies in different positions. Oh, I love that. Wow. And he said, too many batteries.

Batteries? Too many batteries. Batteries. For the microwave? For a microwave. Not to just plug it in? No. Okay.

For the microwave. I'm not sure I've ever heard of a battery-powered microwave i have any i mean don't peek behind the curtain kimbrough does not like to go behind that nope um it does seem like it would be difficult to measure how much time your food was cooking oh a thousand percent but you'd have to memorize yeah the positions i guess of the yes the new digital people and you know we we actually reverse cowgirl it's almost ready i just imagine they were making numbers with their bodies no what are you imagining oh i was imagining it was filthy in some way no since i seem to be the theme see i was picturing like if it was like a three

then it would be you know like um the the man sort of like sticking his top arm out the middle, the middle part of you would be his penis. Yes. And I don't know what the bottom would be. His long feet, I guess. That's so much simpler. So what was the configuration? A three was just my ass. Okay.

So you are, so then it is more where you're thinking. Sort of sideways? That it's almost like you have to memorize a new code. I think there's a middle ground between the two things that we're talking. Yeah. I really want to understand it. Yeah. Because it does.

I need to understand this. Yes. It's like, it's like, it's, if the three was like, if you were, if you were looking aerial view at my body bent over and sideways. Right. And that's a little... I see. I get it. I totally get it now. Thank you. That makes sense.

And that's the only example we need. The rest fall into place. It kind of does. But he said no because of batteries. Because of batteries. Too many batteries. But I think that was an excuse. Oh, I definitely think it was an excuse. I think it was an excuse as well.

I don't know why he couldn't just tell me, you know, he just, it wasn't doing anything for him anymore. And so you need these clocks to disappear because it's just too painful? It's too painful for me. And also he wants to keep them because he said

I put a lot of work into these. Sure. And I'm trying to give him the way he wants to sell them for upwards of $5 million each. Oh, wow. That is steep. Yeah. And I'm like, here in Dignity Falls? Well, and I'm not sure anywhere that

would sort of... The Swiss. Oh, you're right. Their clock crazy. Oh, boy. The Swiss. Yes. you're right. Their clock crazy. Oh, boy. The Swiss. That's right. And they're so free, you know, with their nudity.

Right. That American nudity is, we're such a prudish country, of course. Oh, absolutely. That it's at a premium. Yeah. That's where he is right now. When I said up north, I meant. You went to north of Switzerland. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. For a clock convention. north of Switzerland. Yeah. Yeah. For a clock convention. Oh, okay. Yeah. So he, how often does he travel to these things? Is this sort of, does he travel a lot or is this sort of a once a year thing? This is, this is like a biannual thing.

And by biannual, I don't mean every other year. I mean twice a year. Oh yeah. Yeah. Should have nailed that down too, by the way. Yeah. Agree. That's a sometimes why of the calendar.

I agree. Thank you. Okay. Does he come back from these? Do you think he'll come back? Is there a chance that he'll come back reinvigorated? Or does he come home from the, because you would think if he's around all of that, then maybe he would get back into clocks. Maybe he wouldn't want to sell them when he comes back i'm being hopeful i'm trying

to sort of put that out there i love your optimism but there's something you got to know about my husband okay um his heart is not there anymore literally it's more of like a clock in there keeping him going oh it's like a pacemaker situation but it's an actual clock can you can you talk about that some more behind the curtain jump behind the curtain so he does have some device in his chest yes that's keeping him going perhaps an iron man style that's what i would liken it to um and i do know what iron man does it make a sound that you can hear yes yes oh that must be like is it like a not that you can hear? Yes. Yes. Oh, that must be like, is it like a tick, tick, tick, tick, tick? Not that quick. Oh, okay.

Not that quick because it's not pumping properly. It's more like tick, tick, tick, tick. Oh, boy. I'm not sure that is ticking properly. No. I don't know if you should be traveling. Can you imagine on a plane getting through tsa it is he must get pulled aside every single time every single time yeah every single time and

he has global entry and they're just like absolutely not wow wow absolutely not so okay well how when did that happen oh probably oh i think it was april 15th 1989 so quite a while ago it is okay yeah any significance to the i mean it just happened was he doing something was he taxes with tax day he was making some eggs. Okay. And he died for five whole minutes. Oh my goodness. Five. That's a long time. Five. And I said, not on my watch.

Not on my wrist watch. And I banged on his chest, sliced him open with a butter knife. And I stuck a clock in there. You did this. Wait. You did this. Wow.

She just pulled the curtain way back. Burnt. For someone who doesn't want us to peek behind the curtain. It's wide open. This curtain no longer exists. Ripped off of its rungs. Yes. Ripped off its rungs.

So you pounded on his chest, and then I guess nothing happened. You were like, I got to grab a butter knife here. Nobody was home. You take the butter knife. Why butter knife? Was that just the closest knife in hand? It was the closest knife in hand. And just the adrenaline allowed you to make the incision.

Yeah, and it was actually an as-seen-on-TV butter knife, and it worked perfectly. Oh, do you know the kind? Well, I was forging a butter knife, I believe, last episode. Trying to get it sharp enough to perform surgery with. Is that what you were doing it for? Well, that would be one. I thought it was to cut through butter easier.

I thought it was the kind of gigantic, gigantic stick of butter that you want at the butter festival. That's a form of surgery. Last I checked, that's a form of surgery. Oh, surgery on the gigantic stick of butter. That's a such-ass. That's a such-ass. It's been a while since we've done a such-ass. We haven't done a such-ass. That's a such-ass. It's been a while since we've done a such-ass. We haven't done a such-ass in quite

a time. Sorry about this, Kimbrel. No, no worries. No worries. Okay. Yes. Ben, what? You put a... So you just grabbed... Did you put any thought into... Was this just adrenaline that made you not call

911 or... Sheer adrenaline. We don't have any phones in the house. We're old. I know it's hard to get you there, but we don't have phones in the house. Our house is one of the oldest here. I mean, I would think if you were old, you would have phones in the house. No, if you go back far enough,

people did not have phones in their homes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. No, we don't believe it. If you're of a certain generation. Okay. You know more about this than I do, Bert. It was an extravagance. It's an extravagance.

Yeah. Also, we haven't paid taxes, so I don't feel comfortable using, you know, the services of our government. Oh, so you don't pay taxes and then this happened on the 15th of April. Wow. Ironic? Question mark. Well, he came back to life.

And now is that because of the clock? So the clock, so his heart is still in there. Is it basically the clock helping his heart pump? Is that what's happening? You know what? I guess I imagine the heart was not still in there. So did I. So did I.

But it is still in there. She didn't say she took it out. No, it's true. It's somehow easier to believe that this worked if the heart's still in there and that the clock is just starting at every time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So can you describe the clock that you put in there? Yeah, it's one of those ones that have like the bells on top.

That's what I was picturing. Classic alarm clock. Yes, classic. But I hope the alarm doesn't go off. Oh, sometimes it does. That's terrifying. Sometimes it does. I would think that would give him a secondary heart off. Oh, sometimes it does. That's terrifying. Sometimes it does. I would think that would give him a secondary heart attack.

Well, it's fun. It's fun because he like jiggles a little bit. What does it sound like coming from within his chest cavity? It's more, it's like. That sounds so accurate it does it's like the alarm clock in a chest equivalent of a phone on vibrate a cell phone on vibrate yes but like under a pillow sitting on a table yeah exactly yeah and under a pillow yeah thank you um wow this took a turn it really did not see it really did uh and we so uh i kind of don't know

what to say next burn do you got something i mean is this the only time you perform this procedure oh i'm just i'm not i'm not going around just cutting open chests and sticking clocks in them and so we've so really quickly, just because maybe someone is thinking about this and it'll probably keep me up at night, I'll think, I'll jump up and Ben think, how'd she sew back up? Yes, good question, Joan.

Oh, hair. Oh, his or yours? Mine. Mine, I got long hair. As you can see, it's all the way down to my ankle. Absolutely. Yes, so it was enough. It was enough.

Of course. Wow. Can I say, it's also, your hair my ankle. Absolutely. Yes. So it was enough. It was enough. Of course. Can I say it's also your hair is you have lovely hair. It looks very soft. And usually when you see white hair like that it's just you know just all over the place.

It's wiry. No it's very thick luxurious beautiful hair so I suppose it makes he's very lucky. And wiry, yes. But this is... No, it's very thick, luxurious, beautiful hair. So I suppose he's very lucky. Yeah. Egg yolk. What's that? Egg yolk. Egg yolks.

Like you ingest them or you put them on your hair? I put them on my hair. Wow. I've got to try that. I have such fine hair. And this time I don't mean it in a good way. Noted. Okay.

And Joan, I hope you'll tell me every time. I got you. So, okay. So here I got to ask a question. Was he angry that you did this or grateful or like what the fuck about it? Frankly, sorry, excuse my language because everyone gets mad when I swear. I know. Did you hear Doug just whisper again?

It's like I can't swear in my own home on my own podcast. Why can't I do this? Doug, why did you become such a prude? I know. Did you just hear me? Joan. It just feels. Yeah, there's a time and place for it. My other best friends don't mind when I swear.

Oh, Joan. This dynamic reminds me of me and Ken. Oh, no. What did you say? He just said Joan. Oh, wait, what did I miss? I was afraid you were opening a can of worms by saying, my other best friends don't mind if I swear. All right, well, I don't like her saying

that this reminds her of the dynamic between her and Ken. That's, that, that, that I don't like. Not great to hear, no. No, but I still, I still, I was, my answer was stolen because I swore and he was upset. What, what was the answer to whether or not your husband was upset or not? You know, it's hard to say.

He doesn't really have much of a recollection of it happening. Oh, that's probably for the best. Yeah. But he hasn't quite been the same, you know. I mean, five minutes is a long time to be dead and then be revived by a butter knife and a clock. Yeah. That ticks that slowly. But what I will say.

Is someone also resetting the alarm? I have to wind him up. I have to wind him up. Walk us through that process. So what happens is he'll stick his tongue out. Oh. And I'll just like tweak it a little bit. Not somehow. And that works.

That works. Somehow that works. And does he know that there's a clock in there? He knows now. Okay. He knows now. Okay. So he doesn't remember you explained it to him.

That first month, boy, was he just confused and scared. He thought the government. Oh, sure. He thought the government period. He thought the government period. Wow. So, okay. I feel like there might be something to his clock art

that is contributing to this flame that's sort of dying out. Maybe it's just too many dicks. Maybe it's just too much nudity and he became desensitized to it because he's in that store all day. Was the clock that you put in him, did it have a lot of dicks on it? Darn Skippy.

And I will say his penile art within the clocks, it's changed over the years. They used to be strong and bold and, you know, veiny. And now they're

just like... Now it's like a Salvador Dali situation. A little Salvador Dali, but if he was drawn Vienna sausages. Right, right. Yeah. Or like Almond Joy. An Almond Joy? An Almond Joy.

Help me with that visual. I mean, I can picture an Almond Joy. Well, you know how Snickers has tons of veins. Very veiny Snickers. Oh, yes, yes. Does an Almond Joy have a lot of veins? Just kind of lumpy. Oh, not a lot of veins.

We're talking about veins. Lump. Almond Joy's got nuts. Mounds don't. That is true. Sometimes you feel like one. Yeah, sometimes you don't. Both sides. But you know

what? Sometimes she feels like a nut and he doesn't. And he never does. He never does. I feel like a nut whenever I'm in our foyer, whenever I'm in our powder room, whenever I'm in our drawing room. whenever I'm in our drawing room.

Again, it's an old house. Anytime you pass those clocks. Yeah. She's like a nut and he just doesn't want to do it anymore. Do you think he's worried about his heart being able to withstand intercourse? I don't know that he worries anymore. I think that that feeling left with our impromptu surgery. That's so sad.

Would you describe your husband as alert, cognizant? I hope so. He's in Switzerland right now. Yeah. Did he go by himself? Does he know he's there? Does he know he's there? I'm not sure that he does.

He's just kind of moving on autopilot. It's like the clock is powering him like the Energizer bunny. Oh. You know, like just one function, just drumming away and just moving through different scenes. And that's what he's doing. Wow. Which is so ironic because he was so against batteries. Yeah.

Oh, too many. Too many. Too many. And now he's basically one. He's powered by a battery. Yeah. He's a thing powered by a battery. This is very dark.

If he knew. If he knew there was a two AA batteries. There's also batteries in there. There's batteries in there. Wait, I was thinking you had wound the clock that it wasn't a battery powered. So wound the clock with two AA batteries as a backup? As a backup. Sure.

Okay. As a backup. You can never be sure. That makes sense. Sure. And that makes sense. Okay. I mean, that's where we're at, I think.

Sure. That makes sense. I assumed. Okay. So let's deal with two problems. First of all, the getting rid of the clocks problem, I would say if you are getting offers of- Yeah, why we're here in the first place. If you're getting offers of $5 million,

I would say even if you're offered half that, sell those clocks for sure. Have you thought about maybe just putting them in the shop to see if anyone buys them? I've tried. Oh, you have tried. I suppose that's pretty obvious. It's like, I'll go to bed that night

and I'll wake up and they're right there, right back where they were. Oh yeah, well definitely overnight. I don't think anyone will come to get them overnight. Is that what you're hoping? Is that they'll just be- No, I'll take them out of the house and I'll bring them to the shop.

Oh. Expecting them to just live in the store. And then she'll wake up the next. Oh, they literally are physically making their way back into your house. Yes. Well, this is terrifying. This is a whole new problem. Boy, we're a little tight on time.

We're dealing with sentient clocks now. She just dropped sentient clocks. Well, I don't, I think. That can move. My husband might be absentmindedly doing it. Oh, it got less supernatural. Yes. It did. And also a little sad. Oh, it got less supernatural. Yes, it did.

And also a little sad and maybe sweet. Because then that would tell me that he doesn't want them gone. He doesn't. That's why I'm trying to get rid of them. That's why you're waiting for him to go to Switzerland so you can get rid of them. I need them gone. Sorry, I forgot. You need them gone.

Okay. So I'm not horny all the time. What are you doing, babe? Sorry. I actually did bring... Did you do that thing where you scratched your butt with a microphone again? Doug, I couldn't reach it. It's just so gross, babe.

I wish you wouldn't do that, Doug. It's a terrible sound. There's no need to do that. There's just no need. It also just doesn't scratch. It doesn't do that. No. Well, he says he doesn't like it to be.

He says it's like the right consistency. Sort of like the foam cover is the right, listen. And, you know, everyone's giving me a bad time for not being his best friend. Who else than his best friend would know that intimate thing about him? To be fair, I can't tell the whole world about it. To be fair, Joan, I don't think anyone was giving you a hard time about being his best friend. Well, I think they were implying that somehow he's not high priority or top priority for me. And I feel like when you know those little things about someone, absolutely.

But I think people only inferred that based on things that you said. Wait. I don't need to defend my marriage right now. I would just like to say you remind me just of Ken. Oh, I'm the Ken. I'm the Ken. I'm the Ken. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. You sounded way too, you sounded like you were about to buy what anyone's selling right now. The way you said really was very, I'm at the first call meeting. I'm looking at the brochure. I'm in really, you don't say I want to live in the fifth dimension.

Would you be interested in these clocks, Joan? I brought one. Oh, you did? Which one did you bring? I brought the sundial. Oh, how fun. Because this is the one I really wanted to see. Yeah.

It is substantial. It is. And it looks heavy. Yes. It was a doozy with my frail body getting this all the way over here. You did this yourself. I did this myself. Oh my goodness.

Kept tripping over my hair. And somehow these clocks are making. And then you pulled your hair aside and there was the sundial. And he's somehow dragging these things back and forth from the store to the house. He's very strong now well now he's very since the clock operation yeah he's very strong okay so he's strong but maybe just not mentally strong physically he's very strong very um have you seen the movie young frankenstein sure it's that it's which the monster right uh oh-hmm. Right. Oh, right.

So you wouldn't compare it to Frankenstein, but more Young Frankenstein. No, Young Frankenstein. Okay. So Peter Boyle putting on the ritz. Mm-hmm. Yes. Doesn't know his own strength. Yes. But not a lot up top.

Exactly. And also, and see, but the difference is- But roundhead, not flathead. The difference is in Young Frankenstein, he really, he was good in the sack too if you remember that's right but you don't get to experience that I don't I don't not once not once you've tried well I feel I feel like me I know that's maybe personal but

the nature of this podcast of this particular well I mean she's been fairly frank is this okay is everyone okay with that question yeah I would say that for me because of the state of his brain, I don't feel comfortable just, you know, initiating. Understood. You know, but, you know, if he were to just roll over and put a hand on a titty, that's all I would want.

Just a hand on a titty. That's where you're at. Move it down to my knee which isn't far and then hopefully to six o'clock yeah yay sister right

well I mean I certainly hope that happens for you Kimberl thank you so much and I don't know if we've been helpful. I'm not sure. But at least this is also, of course,

what we love to do with the podcast is we hope you'll be one of our listeners. If you are interested in one of these clocks, please help Kimberl out. Because I think what we have established is it will be better if they are out of the house. Also, this is also just serving as my confession of doing surgery on my husband.

Oh, okay. Oh, you've been keeping this secret for so long. No one knows this. Not even your child? No. Oh, yes. Who's where, by the way? Right here.

Oh, but who is that? Oh, my God. I didn't even notice. So quiet. I did not even notice. Bl quiet. I did not even notice. Blended into the wall. Holy shit. Come say hi to these people.

Oh my goodness. Hi, Kensington. Hey. How old are you, Kensington? You're born in the 80s. 42. Yeah. So you're an elder millennial.

I identify more with the greatest generation. Oh, okay. Because of your parents. An old soul. An old soul. Exactly that. Wow. I'm sorry I didn't notice you.

You just really blended in. Yeah, that happens to me a lot. Oh, I'm sorry. What do you think of all this? Now that you just heard that your mother opened up your father with a butter knife

and started a clock in and sewed him back up with her hair. I think she's an American hero. Wow. Well, now there you go, Kimberl. How about that?

Does this make you feel better? I'm going to cry. Right? What more can a mother ask for? Honestly. Oh, God. Could you imagine July of Beer or Matt and Remember the Alamo calling you an American hero?

I really can't. I really can't. Not a one of them. Maybe I should try the surgery thing. Well, well, this is this is lovely. Maybe this is what it's all about, is making sure that she was able to share this and her son respects her for it. It's wonderful to see your family so happy

apart from your clock animated golem of a husband who clearly has no idea where or when he is, but his body has been propelled by a cartoon alarm clock that also takes two AA batteries. This was a very healing experience. I'm glad. He was all the time. Well,

Kimbrough, thank you so much for being here. Kensington, thank you for being here and please let us know when you leave so that we know you're not here anymore i would appreciate that both of you otherwise we'll always wonder we will i already have two other people oh i already have two other people hiding in the walls i don't need a third it's true we got a real a bad ronald situation i know where they are what What? Kensington, really? Wait a minute. Bye.

He's gone. How did he do that? I feel like Commissioner Gordon. That's our second clue. Is it? Which? Bye or Commissioner Gordon? Just the disappearance.

Kensington knew where they were. That's not a clue. If anything, it's more like proof of confirmation. Confirmation. I'd say that's more confirmation, but you know what? Throw it up on the vision board,

babe. Cause you know what? Why not? Let's fill this thing up. Just right. Kensington knew so mysterious. All right. Well,

Kimberl, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Best of luck with the clocks. Yes. More when The Neighborhood Listen returns. Hello, it's Toby. Would anyone like a pot full of soup?

I made a big pot of soup. We want to share it with someone who might be in the mood for good homemade nourishing fresh soup. A few people brought us wonderful soups two years ago when I broke my arm. It was so welcome and delicious. I would like to see if anyone needs some soup now. This soup contains wonderful food items someone brought us. They probably got it from some food distribution center. A neighbor showed up a couple of days ago with two boxes of food and her adorable little boy.

It is vegetable split pea soup with ham. We rarely eat pork, but this ham was too good to let pass. We rarely eat pork, but this ham was too good to let pass. The soup has onions, garlic, celery, carrot, cauliflower, split peas, chicken bone broth from Costco, water. I did not add any salt since the ham has salt in it. I planned to put in some herbs, thyme and fennel from our garden, which I can do for anyone wanting some. I also plan to drop in a little bit of white wine, but my mom got hungry before I could let it meld in. I could put some in for anyone who comes for a containerful. The soup was delicious without the herbs and wine. My mom and I are small eaters. We will have some tomorrow, and I will put the rest into containers in our freezer.

Maybe someone would like some? I am very careful with hygiene in my kitchen. Many washings, never touching my face or mouth while cooking, wearing an apron, washing all the foods, having very clean dishes. I do this because it is sensible and because I want my mom and me both to be safe. My mom has been tested over and over, six times, for COVID-10, and she does not have it. I am certain I had a very mild case of it in February or March. I could not breathe, dry cough, temperature of 101, extreme tiredness. These were symptoms I have never before experienced in my life. This was before we knew what COVID-19 symptoms were, so I just rested at

home while my mom was at the hospital the first time she went. I thought it was just a very strong and terrible flu. I recovered quickly and fully in a few days in early March. So in other words, I do not have it and will not get it. I am not contagious to others. We are practicing sanitation and staying in quarantine. My point is that the soup is very safe. If someone would like a container full, maybe around four to six servings, please let me know. I will give it to you in one to two plastic containers with lids that you can freeze, if you wish. Please phone and let me know. No text.

I will package the soup up tomorrow to freeze it for us, so I need to know right away. What does this have to do with eggs? Let me tell you a secret. Nothing! It has nothing to do with eggs! And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. Joan, I startled you. I'm sorry. I just love it. I love it when you do it. It gets me very excited. I love the DJ, old school radio host aspect of it. You know, it's fun. It's fun. Do you want to, you know what?

Let's, you know what? Why don't you do one? I know we can leave this in. It doesn't matter, but I'd like to hear you do a radio style. No one wants to hear me do that. Good Joan, of course we do. Oh, okay. What am I doing now? Just a welcome back.

What would your radio persona be? Oh, you know, I always love those, like, the ones who are on late at night when someone can call in with a... Oh, yes, yes, yes. And we've got Manuel, and he's calling us, and he's got someone special that he loves, and he'd like to dedicate this song to you. You know what I don't like though is when there's like a lot of clicking with their

voices like that. All the mouth sounds. I cannot stand it. I had a green apple. Does that really work? I have no idea. Everyone insists that it does. It seems like it would make it so much worse.

It does. Right? Yes. Yeah. Just the absence, the pure absence of moisture, right? Wouldn't that be what it is?

The pure absence of moisture. It sounds like a cologne commercial. It does, yeah. It's a great tagline for something. The pure absence

of moisture. Come and climb. You know what I mean? Come and climb. Come and climb. What is the purpose of those asinine commercials? I know it's old

to complain about them, but I just saw one asinine commercials? I know it's old to complain about them, but I just saw one. Like a... A perfume commercial? Yes. And it's like Nellie Portman. And it's just, it's just, it's random. You know, you picture just like all the work

that went into it and someone, you know, the advertisers are like, here it is. And it's just poster boards that have like random visions of like a European field of wildflowers and a car and them on a boat. And then none of it makes sense. And then she just looks at the camera goes, what would you do for love?

And it's like, no, no. What does this even have to do with anything? I hate it all. I guess I feel bad for them because how do you advertise them? Do you know how much money they make doing that? How do you advertise a smell?

Oh, I guess that's why they're so weird. I like the one. Yeah. They still saw them in dignity falls. The bod that come in like the one. Yeah. They still sell them in Dignity Falls, the bod that come in like the Windex sprays. Yeah. And it was, I want your bod.

Yeah, they still sell bod here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Very popular. I don't like bod. It's gone. I don't think it sells anywhere else. And it's in the Windex aisle.

I've never been able to wear it because it's... You can't wear bod. I've never been able to wear perfume. Oh. None of it. It all just smells disgusting to me. I just don't like it, you know? Is it the kind of perfume that you're... I don't know. All of it smells bad

to me. Oh, every perfume. All of it smells bad to me. What about when other people wear perfume? Yes, amazing. And it's like, is it my own personal pheromones that counteract what it's supposed to smell like what does it smell like I just desperately want a signature smell

and I've never had one vision board what vision board vision board put on there put on there what's my smell

that could be your smell vision board vision board oh that's not a smell I always pictured the vision oh magic marker everybody loves that smell

what if that became your signature smell what are they called etch-a-sketch is that what they were called what were they called no not. What if that became your signature smell? No, what are they called? Etch-a-Sketch. Is that what they were called? What were they called? No, not Etch-a-Sketch. No, that's not what it's called.

They were called something specific. The ones that had the flavors. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Yes, see, Doug knows what I'm talking about. He's going to find it. There were a specific, they came in a styrofoam, a white styrofoam tray. Right.

And they were, I don't know why I said Etch-a-Sketch. I was totally wrong. They were these thick markers and you would pop them and oh, you would just smell it. Mr. Sketch. Okay, so I was right. That's why sketch came into play.

It was closer. But there was, it makes sense. The road map my brain was taking makes sense. I wish that the listener could have seen the sniff that you did because it was violent. Well, I think you- It's the only way I could describe it. I think they'll be able to hear it.

Are you okay after that? Yes, but I'm telling you, you couldn't get enough of it because one was like blueberry. They smelled amazing. I sort of remember this, but that was a bad idea, right? Do you have it up? You shouldn't do that. Oh, you're just looking it up. You shouldn't do that.

You shouldn't be encouraging kids to smell the chemical. I think this particular one was meant to be a little safer because it was flavored, right? Meant to be a little safer does not sound like a great idea. That was the equivalent of... It's true. Oh my god, I remember the little searing

hot oven where you would bake the creatures or whatever. Oh yeah, the Shrinky Dinks Oh, yeah. The Shrinky Dinks? Oh, well, Shrinky Dinks you would put into an actual oven. You're talking about like an Easy Bake Oven? No, no, no. This was like a weird grill that you

would pour this stuff on. Oh, I didn't do this. And you would make your own little rubbery creatures. Oh, wow. But it was wildly unsafe. Yes yes of course wildly wildly unsafe yeah well um you know what else is wildly unsafe is uh our twins still hiding and also the fact that oh the fact that kensington what what yeah i know what you're gonna say what am i gonna say that kensington could still be in it it's so freaky i know oh god how did he it was so chameleonic the way he was

oh it's you know riding me off that movie the lake house did you ever see that oh is that what it was called the night house the night house he disappeared in the mailbox where somehow they were able to communicate with each other across time. That movie's scary, but I was thinking of the, the, the night house. Is that what it is?

Where it's a house on a lake? I only saw the trailer for it and I was like, no, thank you. It's too scary for me. So scary. Is it?

And there's somebody that, you know, you're looking at a, at a bookcase or whatever. And then part of the bookcase turns. No. And looks at you and you realize it's an optical illusion.

He's been there the whole time. Oh, gosh. Do you know what? Wait, what's it called? The Night House. I think the boys were watching that last month. Okay. Write Lake House.

Write Lake House. Can you write Lake? Not Lake House. Can you write Lake House? Actually, can you write Lake House? Because I want to watch it again. Sure. Because it's so romantic.

Absolutely. But then can you also write Night House? Great double feature. Lakehouse, Nighthouse. It was the original Barb and Imer. Even though they came out 10 years apart. It still counts. Because now they're both available to rent.

It had nothing to do with because they came, when they came out. It had everything to do with it. People discovered that they were a great double feature of those two movies together. That's what I mean by first Barbenheimer. You're not serious. About Barbenheimer?

What do you mean? That they're good together? I don't know. I haven't seen either one of them. Well, no. It was just that they were coming out at the same time. No, I know. But there were people who were talking about actually seeing them back to back.

Well, that's because people are weird. Well, okay, Burt, but that's not my fault. Joan, fair enough. that's not my fault. Joan, fair enough. Thank you. Touche. Anyway, well. Oh, I think we need to read one more post. Yes, we do. We have time for just one more post from the NeighborHap, and

I will do the honors. Let's see. This one was submitted by Dave Pierce. Thank you, Dave Pierce, for submitting this post. This is in the crime and safety section. No. That word was hiding from me. I'm telling you.

In one of the folds of my brain. This is a fellow named Chris or a woman named Chris. Why did I have to say a fellow? I don't know. Don't get in your head about it. When I hear the name Chris, I automatically think of a guy that I know named Chris or a woman named Chris? Why did I have to say a fellow? I don't know. Don't get in your head about it. When I hear the name Chris, I automatically think of a guy that I know named Chris.

Isn't your Catholic friend Chris? Congrats to that friend Chris. Because he's the default Chris when I hear that name. Congrats, Chris. All right. Subject line. Kansi visitor at 1 a.m.

Chris goes on to write, someone just woke me up banging on my door hard and then tried to get in a window. I checked it out a few minutes later and no one was still there. What? I went out and fired a couple shotgun shells in the air with some warnings.

Total craziness. Stay safe. Then he concludes with this my 95 pound dog ran and hid so it could be a devil wow wait a minute i i need you to hang on i'm gonna need you read like the last three sentences absolutely after not still there after someone was no one was still there? No one was still there, yes. No one was still there? I went out and fired a couple shotgun shells in the air. Okay, that's what I thought.

With some warnings. Like, does he mean verbal warnings? That's what I'm assuming. Or does he mean the shotgun is the warning? I assume that the shotgun shells were warning shots. Okay. But the way he says, with... This is a he.

I think that's safe to assume. I think now i think i think we i think that's safe to assume i think that's okay um i would assume that the shotgun shells were warning shots but perhaps he was firing the shotgun and then also saying why you get out of here yeah yeah and then uh total craziness stay safe my 95 pound dog ran and hid so it could be a devil. Okay. So I think that's what threw me. Okay. He thinks obviously that the dog's a devil, but the dog is running from the devil.

Yes. Yes. It never occurred to me that he was afraid his dog was a devil because it hid. That maybe was like a last-minute twist. You're right. Oh, by the way, my dog is a devil. You're right. By the way, you're right. Because he sounds like a very even keeled individual. Even for Chris.

But it's OK. So there's a lot there. There's a lot there. Fire the shotgun. I mean, look, there's all kinds of people in dignity. Absolutely. And some people are hunters and some people, we have a lot of proud gun owners and people practice.

We also have a lot of shameful gun owners. And it's not for me. I'll just say it's not for me. Not for me. It's not for me. It's not for this household. But I do hate the sort of just the, you know, without asking, again, it's that thing where he's not asking questions first. It seems like sometimes people just can't find another way to maybe get to the bottom of something or, what was the beginning again?

Can I just look at it? Somebody tried to break in. Yeah. Someone just woke me up banging on my door hard and then tried to break in yeah someone just woke me up banging on my door hard and then tried to get into a window so okay all right they're banging on the door yeah i mean listen that is scary not the best way it is it is scary but no do they if you but what if it was yeah you think it's somebody new i mean i would say if you're banging on it usually if someone's banging on the door they they would also say something. Right. And they're probably not trying to like very silently creep into something.

Yeah. They're making themselves known right away. Exactly. Yes. And then they tried to get in a window. We'll take his word for it. Right. So you could be firing warning shots at someone you know who just is in an emergency.

Who has, they're in trouble. They're in trouble. Also might I suggest. Yeah, if I'm in trouble, I'm running and I'm banging on my neighborhood's doors. You're not thinking, right? And that is exactly what that might have been.

Wait, this is not a such as. I'm not issuing a such as. No. Wait, maybe we should review for everybody what a such as is. How would we define it? Well, a such as.

This is just within our little group that we have these things. This thing called such as. A such as, of course, is you are forced to provide an example. Yes, yes. You can't just throw out something. If someone doesn't understand it, they can force a such as.

It really is just as simple as saying such as. And the rule is you have to give the such as. You cannot avoid it. Yeah, you can't. You must provide a such as. And the rule is you have to give the such as. You cannot avoid it. Yeah, you can't. You must provide a such as. To be honest, we have been very withheld with our such ases given some of these wild interviews

we've been doing. It's true. I think we've really been letting people slide. Yeah. Including each other. Yeah. All right. So what was your such as? What was it about? My suggestion was that the dog was hiding from the shotgun shots. Oh, yeah.

He didn't seem to maybe recognize that. Well, the other thing is, if it's a 95-pound dog... You're eliminating the possibility that there was a devil out there. Unless he's saying... You're saying there's no way. He seems surprised that the dog is hiding. That's a good point, though,. Because the dog's 95 pounds. If the dog was 95 pounds, you would imagine, okay, is this a dog, like a guard dog?

It sounds like someone like Chris would have someone like a guard dog. And a lot of times we all know that if a dog can smell a scent that is familiar to him, he's not going to bark or get frustrated. So the only time he ran away and was scared was the gunshots. You you're right so maybe that's another clue that it was someone that he knew because the dog didn't freak out right well he doesn't mention it i really feel that chris is in the wrong here i do too and this was somebody that he knew that needed help i think so and was maybe running what maybe running from a devil oh that's what happened that's why they tried to get in the window so like i gotta get in there well no it's just they tried to get in the window. So like, I got to get in there.

The devil hates windows. Well, no, it's just like, I got to get in that house. I got to get in that house. You won't answer the door. I'm going to climb in the window. Please. There's a devil chasing you. They wanted to get in.

Yeah, that's right. And then the devil must have got him because he didn't get in. No one was still there. No one will never know unless he realizes. No one was still there. He looked out the window and no one was still there. No one was still there. So the devil took his friend.

Oh, no. When's he going to discover it? He chills with that. We should keep an eye on this page just in case. What if the dog was not a big guard dog, but just like a big fat Yorkie? A 95-pound Yorkie. A 95-pound teacup Yorkie? Yeah.

Could you imagine? That would be funny. I would love to see that dog. Now, you know, I don't like guns either, but I love knives. Oh, I love them. Oh, yeah. You're a real knife nut.

I'm kind of a knife nut, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I only have three with me today. Oh, my goodness. You know what? I don't, I'm sorry, buddy, but I don't know if I like that. I don't know if I want you to bring knives to me. Joan, you've never called me buddy before.

She called you buddy. I know, I really felt like I'd done something wrong. When Joan drops the B-bomb. Oh. The B-double-D. I wanted to defuse the situation because I was afraid he was not going to like me saying that I don't want knives in the house. What do you have?

What kind of knives do you have? I have my Swiss Army knife. Okay. That's fine. I have my regular old pocket knife. Which is technically about seven knives in one. But they're small tools. Well, it's two blades. They're pocket knife, which is technically about seven knives in one. But they're small tools. Well, it's two blades and they're not all knives.

Oh, do you have the toothpick in it? Oh yeah, you know I do. I've never lost I'm proud to say this. You say it like it's something you could never acquire, babe. You can have a Swiss army knife. I'll let you have one. I'm proud to say I've never lost the Swiss army knife toothpick. Any Swiss army knife I've ever had.

They always fall out. Never lost one. Never lost one. Yeah, so I got that. I got a single blade pocket knife. Okay. And then, of course, I have my dagger. Why?

My skjandub. Uh-uh. I'm sorry, what? Which I keep tucked in my sock. What was that? That's my traditional Scottish dagger. What's it called? Scound doob.

Scound doob? I've never said it out loud, so I'm not really sure. Well, you know what? You're not going to be able to be laden down with all these knives and dressed as Santa going down the chimney. Well, no, of course.

I don't have all my knives. I have a special knife for when I'm Santa. What is that? You don't need one knife for Santa. What are you talking about? You think Santa doesn't have a knife? Come on. The guy travels around the world delivering presents in one night? At the very least,

like a letter opener. At the very... Hmm. Doug, I so wanted to agree with you on that. I thought you were. You really was all weird up. And then he stopped. And then I processed it. Well, he's got open packages and things. No, he doesn't have to open them.

I mean, the letter opening probably happens weeks in advance of Christmas, probably. Yes, of course. He drops off the presents and the kids open them. Okay, so then what would he use the knife for? What would he use the knife for? In case you got into a scrape. Oh my gosh. There's all kinds of things out there.

What? I don't know. It's, you know. Into a scrape with a five-year-old who stayed up to see him? No, if you believe in Santa and you believe he can do all those things, who knows what else is out there?

There is a big naughty list. Yeah, exactly. And some people might take exception to that. All right, I'm going to say this right now. I really, really wish you wouldn't wear one knife to play Santa. Okay? Consider it. Will you consider it?

I'll consider it. Okay. Also, you have not practiced this like 30-foot drop or whatever. Five-story drop. No, I will practice it, of course. Yes. It would be ridiculous to not practice it. Yes, it would.

And it would be ridiculous to practice it with a knife on your person. I will practice this straight 30 foot drop. Thank you. You might want to drop the knife first. No, we're not doing a knife. I don't want to land on the knife. I'm just trying to compromise. Here's what I would do. I jump down the

chimney, throw the knife up in the air. Come on. And the kids go, hooray. I land. I catch the knife. And then the kids go, hooray. They're. I catch the knife. And then the kids go, hooray. Yeah. There's, they're definitely going to catch the knife in your teeth.

Oh, could you imagine? I can't. This is, I forgot what I was talking to. Right. Exactly. Yeah.

He's going to think about that for a while. He's going to put that on his board. Just imagine. I mean, he came up with a suggestion. Right, babe. You had more than just like a blue line in your head, in your

imagination. It's not in my head. I try to explain this. He gets mad every time we don't understand how his imagination works. It's impossible to fathom what he's describing, but he still does get upset. I can picture the words, and I know the meanings of words. Wow. When you hear

that song, Pure Imagination, does it make you angry? Oh, yeah. When Willy Wonka's like, Not many things make me. Also, just my imagination. Were you imitating my singing style? No, just imitating the four tops. Just my imagination once again.

Oh, hey, that's pretty good. Yeah. Is it? Well, I'm just saying it's good when you find songs where you kind of are only required to sing the same note works out pretty good okay well that's probably it for us i think that's it for us look if you would like to send us a uh post of course screenshot it and send it to burnt and joan at gmail.com um and if you would like to hear ad-free versions of the show every time this is not the first It's just a regular thing now. You want to hear

ad-free versions of the show? I'm not going to explain it. Go to cbbworld.com where if you sign up for the Maximus tier, you'll also have access to the bonus room,

which is bonus content from us here on The Neighborhood Listen, which so far as of this recording, we know for a fact you can hear a live recording of the show that we did with um uh dynasty typewriter last year and you'll also hear us uh you can watch superman 2 along with us you sure can and there's more to come and that is the theatrical version

not the richard donner director's cut oh which i just learned about that recently that Richard Lester, who was another Richard director, took over for Richard Donner. The studio did not like the seriousness of the cut, I guess, that Mr. Donner presented. And so they had Richard Lester add in a 10-minute

sequence of people blowing around in the wind. I remember that. Oh, it's hard to forget once you've seen it. It was pretty entertaining. Pretty entertaining. If I recall, we really enjoyed it. Somebody with an umbrella. That's amazing.

Somebody on roller skates. Makes so much more sense now because it was wildly random. Exactly. And went on for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. So any kind of weird thing you saw, like the fight in the diner and all that stuff, that was all Richard Lester.

Got it. Yeah. All right. Well, we're done. Goodbye. And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Corinne Wells. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.