The Neighborhood Listen - Nude Tupperware, The Drone Epidemic and a Wild Chicken with Lauren Lapkus

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

This week, Burnt and Joan discuss nude tupperware and more wild chickens! Plus, Erin (Lauren Lapkus) comes in hot about "the drone epidemic" she's been dealing with in the neighborhood.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is. All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets.

And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest, Lauren Lapkus. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone.

You've got the NeighborHalf app and us. Bird. And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen.

Welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen. I'm Bert Mia Payday. And I am Joan Pedestrian. And we are your hosts for this look at the neighborhood of dignity falls that's right where we live that's where we live and maybe where most of our listeners live as well i wouldn't imagine unless you know we don't know how far reaching this is yet i hope we find out i hope we hear from people i know you know around the globe yes and so i don't doug doug how do we figure out how many people are listening?

Well, he's on the roof today. He's on the roof. He's on the roof. Is that safe? Maybe not. I'm rethinking it at this moment. I'm realizing because that look at there was a delay. There was a delay and he didn't hear. So are you going to conduct a survey of the listeners?

Oh, we could do that. We can conduct a survey and the listener have them email us. Just email us where you're from. Okay, do we have an email address? I thought that we did, right? Aren't we using yours? Oh, what? What? No? I've been having some issues with my email. Oh, what's going on?

I think my email address was spoofed. Spoofed? Yes, I've been getting... What do you mean by that? I've been getting messages from people. I've been getting text messages from people I know saying, did you sign me up for this course? Did you use my name to buy these things? People are, someone's using my email address. Well, you hacked.

For nefarious purposes. Isn't that what you say? Hacked instead of... I've just never heard spoofed. Well, spoofed might be for phone numbers. Yeah, or not. I don't... Is it?

I've never heard it before. Spoofed is definitely... They definitely use it for phone numbers. They do? Okay, I didn't know. Yes. I learn something every day. And I thought maybe it applied to email,

but you're right. Hacked is the common term. Okay, so someone's using your email to buy things? They're using my email to buy things? They're using my email to buy things, to sell things. Yikes! To sign people up for courses. Like what kind of courses? Cooking classes, things like that. I mean, in some ways, it's a little

benevolent at least, right? Well, yeah, but then they find out that it hasn't been paid for, this cooking class. So it seems like a nice gift, and then they get there and the chef is very mad. Well, that does seem like a spoof. Maybe you're right. It could be a spoof wow okay well listen or a send up will come up or a send up or a parody somebody's parodying my email address your email address which is you know maybe easy to do because it's eonfluxland at triplenet.com. That's right.

Eonflux. If you know how to spell eonflux. What is triplenet anyway? Triplenet is, it's a new. I just never heard it before. Triplenet is a new provider. And I feel like their speed is amazing. Triple the time is what they say, right?

Triple the time. So video, it'll load in like under a minute. Yeah. 0.002 seconds or something. No, that's very fast. Well, I don't know. That's very fast. But this is under a minute. Okay. Well, that's good. That's good. Yeah, that's very fast well i don't know that's very fast this is but this is under a minute okay

well that's good that's good yeah that's not bad so you just kind of mentally prepare yourself like i'm gonna get in less than a minute i'm gonna watch this video but it's but it sounds like maybe they got to work on their firewall and their security services because it's brand new maybe that's why you're getting spoofed that's what i'm that's what i'm finding out so triple net you're done me dirty we'll'll find, we'll find, we'll get another email for this podcast. A dedicated email, yes. A dedicated, that's what you said. That makes more sense anyway.

A dedicated, it's probably what we should have done. Yeah. Yeah. And we will just ask you to let us know where you're from. And then, you know, like Doug said, that's a good way to find out. Why don't you write to us at, well, let's make up an address right now. Right now? Yes.

Okay. Well, let's see. I mean, we could either do like a NHL, like neighborhood listen, like NHL. I think the hockey people are going to come after us. Gosh dang it. That's not going to work. What about us? Well, that was mine.

What do you got? What about, okay, Joan. Boy. I tried. I feel like, excuse me, I'm feeling very self-conscious because of the email parody. And I'm sorry if I'm taking things too personally. I'm sorry. You know what?

You're right. I can tell that you're having a hard, you're kind of having a hard time. I don't like to bring that in here. You know what I mean? That's my own problem. That's what this is for. Neighbors are supposed to listen. The neighborhood listens.

That's right. We are neighbors. Listen, everyone's airing out all their dirty laundry on this app. That's very true. People are talking about their problems, about their missing pets. We'll kick them when they up. We'll kick them when they down. Yeah.

Glenn Fry. No, sorry. Don Henley. Okay. How about Burnt and Joan, and we'll make it a Gmail. Okay. That's lovely. Burnt and Joan at Gmail.com.

Or Joan and burnt. No, no, no, no, no. It makes sense anyways, especially alphabetically. It's fine. I'm fine with it. And it is B-U-R-N-T, like the word. It is. Right.

Correct. Like the past tense of burn. That's right. Like you've been burnt. Well, there's burn, there there's burned and then there's burnt with a t which i think is like that's something that's long been burned correct yeah you're right you're right not not just just happened not freshly just happened it's not still smoldering this is yes you understand uh i have some a little bit of news about the um

community theater oh yes i can't believe last episode we didn't even check in about this at all. It's okay. There was nothing going on. There was nothing going on because I had this, I had a whole medical thing again. You know, I had those ears, that ear thing. And I was dealing with that, with the ear lobes. Your ears look normal now, by the way. Thank you so much.

Well, it's you and the Vaseline. Anyways. Vaseline does most of the work. I can't take all the credit. Right. But I would have never reached for it had you not saideline. Anyways. Vaseline does most of the work. I can't take all the credit. Right. But I would have never reached for it had you not said it. Okay. So anyways, what we've decided to do is we're going to kind of want a nice budget for this

thing. Right. And so. Just in case people are listening for the first time. In case people don't know. This is your, your, the community theater here at Dignity Falls, they're doing a gritty reboot of My Fair Lady. Yes.

A woke, my woke lady really is kind of what, right. That's right. And we're, you know, cause that's what's happening on Broadway now. Everyone's sort of doing that kind of thing, you know, Oklahoma, very dark, you know, by the end we all have blood on our faces. Sometimes literally very dark where all the lights are off. Right. Or all the lights on and we never turn them off.

Cause let's all, let's turn a mirror on, on everyone. You audience. That's right. That's right. You can't escape. That's right. We can see you. the lights on and we never turn them off because let's all let's turn a mirror on on everyone you audience that's right you can't escape that's right we can see you we are all oklahoma i think is what that shows say yes yeah so uh so you know i think we can update that uh my fair lady for for the current time and reflect a lot of what's going on um but we have a lot of crazy ideas uh me and the choreographer. You have a chance to comment on the coal industry going away. Oh, my.

Yes. Perfect. What's his name? Alfred Pennywise. What's his name? Can't quite remember right now. Doolittle. Doolittle.

That's right. Doolittle, Alfred. Be Doolittle. You're right. The one who says, get me to the church on time. Exactly. Yeah. We need a great character guy for that. Again, I still think it could be you.

I'm going to twist your arm, Bernt. Yeah, we need a great character guy for that. Again, I still think it could be you. I'm going to twist your arm, Burns. Well, we'll see. Okay. All right. You got it in you. I know you do. I can get it out of you. Anyways, so what we need is a couple fundraisers.

And the first thing I'm going to do. Angels, they call them. Is I'm going to, fundraisers? Is that correct? I meant actual events that would raise funds. But you know what? I thought you meant individuals. No, but you know what? I thought you meant individuals. No, but you know what? I would love an angel to just

write me a check if you would like. We're having a budget coming in right now about $65,000. Wow. Well, I'm serious about this. Well, I know. Look, I just say wow because I know it's all going to go up there on the stage. Absolutely. Absolutely. And so what we're going to do first is

I am remounting my One Woman Cabaret show. No. Mm- Absolutely. And so what we're going to do first is I am remounting my one woman cabaret show. No. That was kind of, I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn, but it was a little bit of a hit and we kind of ran it for a very long time downtown and that little coffee shop, which is now a yoga studio. So I don't think we can do it there, but I think we need a bigger space anyway. So you might just do it in the community center. And I've got stuff to add, but it is still called My Neck is a Wreck. Yeah. And I've got new songs already.

But, you know, some of those, of course, Neck is a Wreck will be the same. My neck is a wreck. My spleen has no sheen. You know, my back has more cracks than the floor. Right? Yes. My ass is, it's grown. It has got a mind of its own you know yeah and my tits

are head into the floor you know this is a show for grown-ups and that's not good because there's two rhymes with floor i can't rhyme floor with floor i need to work on that one um is it funnier is it funnier is it funnier is it funnier well my back my back has more cracks on the floor right and then my you know and then my my boobs are dripping to drooping to the floor, you know, so I can only use. They're heading south for sure. Oh, they're heading south for sure is great. Okay, we're fine. We got a rewrite already.

There you go. Fantastic. You can be my dramaturg. I don't think I am. Anyways. So, but, you know, I'm going to get into a little bit of stuff about being an empty nester soon. And I'm going to have a lot of songs. I'm getting in shape for my leotard because, as you know, I do it in leotard. into a little bit of stuff about being an empty nester soon and gonna have a lot of songs i'm

getting in shape for my leotard uh because as you know i do it in leotard and um and so hopefully that's a draw i don't know well not for me to say okay i thought you were just gonna say not for me and i was like oh burnt please say something else after not for me phew but doug loves that outfit don you, Doug? Love that leotard. I know. He sure does. He sure does. How is it on the roof? It's pretty cold. It's hard to balance. It's not a flat roof.

People should know that they don't have a flat roof in the house. It's a peaked roof for sure. I thought for sure that you could go over the pergola. I thought we could go over the outside porch. That's where you were. That's where it's flat, honey. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, boy. To be fair, when you said the roof, I immediately thought the

roof of the house. I don't know if my mind would have gone to the pergola. Well, because it's flat. You know, we've got sort of... Sure. But I think the keyword to use would have been pergola rather than roof. You know, that's probably what I should have said. You're right.

I actually never knew what a pergola was. Really? Oh, well, it's a very real estate-y term, I suppose. A lot of people just say sort of a covered patio, I guess, or a gazebo. But that's the name for it now. Honey, we had a pergola this whole time and you didn't even know it. You used that word and I was too afraid to ever admit I didn't know what it was. What had you been calling it, Doug?

The pergola? Yeah. What did you recognize it as? Oh, I guess just the porch ceiling. Porch ceiling. Porch ceiling. And what did you think pergola meant when I said it to you today? I confess.

I just tune out. I don't know what that word is. Interesting. This sounds like married life to me. Now who's airing their dirty laundry? Right, that's what this is all about. I thought it was like a credenza something. Oh, gosh.

Not close. He gets all those words confused. Now you're just throwing out Davenport. I mean, we could do all that stuff. The break front. Who really knows? That's right, exactly. A shifirobe.

Oh, a shif-a-robe. To Kill a Mockingbird fans, I want to hear from you. Berthandjohn at gmail.com. At gmail.com. Not TripleNet. Don't do that one. Oh, please. Hey, avoid TripleNet like the plague.

It might as well be that Mrs. Meyers' Blue Dell dryer sheets. Oh, God. Absolutely. Hate those. So here is a strange, this is kind of scary, Bernd. This one is a little. Oh, we're getting into the neighbor hat. I'm sorry.

We're getting into the neighbor hat. We're going to read posts from the neighbor hat. Yeah, we're going to read this post. And I don't know if anyone has seen this. I have not seen this because I guess I don't ever go by Camino Palmeiro. I don't ever go by that street. I don't go in that area. Oh, no, not at all.

Well, this person says creepy stencil on Camino Palmeiro. I live at 1710 Camino Palmeiro. I took a walk today, turned right and on the sidewalk right by my apartment, I see this stenciled message. There's a picture of it. It says, strangler who murders women. But what she wrote is stranglers who murders wonin'. She put an M instead of an N. There are so many typos on all of these posts, and it drives me crazy.

But then is this a typo or not? Here's the thing. If the stencil had a typo, then that's kind of funny. Then I'm not scared. But the stencil doesn't. It actually says, Strangler who murders women. Why in God's name would you stencil that on the site of a building in Dignity Falls, one of the sweetest towns around?

We are absolutely one of the sweetest towns around. And we were voted one of the top 65 sweetest towns in america that's right yeah that's and and uh you know we also have the best fudge the best we win that every year the best fudge and and so for a non-seaside town exactly that's incredible exactly well it's by the creek it does have to be near a body of water it doesn't have to be you you cannot have you cannot if you're a fudge. It does have to be near a body of water. It does have to be. You cannot have. You cannot.

If you're a fudge town. Yeah. You have to be near a body of water. 100%. That's the rule. That is. We don't make the rules. We don't make the fudge rules. We just abide by them.

That's correct. I sent the picture to my building manager. He met me as I came home. She's got a sticky M butter bun. She's got a sticky MN button. Sorry. She's got a sticky M and butter bun. Do you not? She's got a real butter bun about these M's and N's. Now, but do you think? That was a little tongue twister for me. I thought. She's got a sticky M button is what I was trying to say. But yes, I mean, might as well. Butter fingers, I suppose. Can I say, I feel like Doug, I thought butter bum was a word that I didn't know.

Butterbum? That's something else. Do you think these are typos? Do you think they're intentional? Because it's very suspicious that it's the same swapping out of letters. It's weird, right? Yes. I think there's something to this.

I don't know. Maybe this is the person who did the stencil and wants us to pay attention to it. Johnny, you read my mind. That's the way they work, these creeps. They want you to pay attention to them. Yes. And see, now look at this. Now it continues.

The same stencil was on a phone box and a detective had come and it says, a few months ago right by this stencil, the same message was there and it had been painted painted over i wanted to share this and see if anyone else saw this or has seen the stencil anywhere my son now here we go again thought it could be the bane of a band now that's name and she got that really wrong of a band yes and she says no just a sick message and i you know so now she thinks it's the name of a band and to be honest it really could really could be. I mean, it's a weird, it's a weird name. And you shall know us by the trail of death. But also like, why, why would a strangler who wants to murder, why would he advertise? Maybe he's just saying, I'm in town.

This is what I do. I mean. Do you know someone who needs to be strangled? Woman or wonin'. But... The wonin' thing. There's something going on here. I think it's just...

Something's going on. I just think that... I don't think that Marilyn... That's a made-up name. I just think that this is some guy who wants to... He's just stirring up trouble. I agree. He's just a kid who made a dumb stencil and wants to scare people.

Yes. And I don't mean to mention this post in order to incite any kind of riot or emergency or panic in the neighborhood. No. We don't want any of those. I think you're right. I think this is a kid playing a prank. I think so, too. But I do think there's – and I think he's laughing at us. It's two on the nose.

Who says that? He's laughing at us with this code, with the M's for M's, N's for M's. That's right. Butter bun. Butter bun. Yeah. Okay. Well, then that makes me feel better.

We can just go with that. Here's the thing. Let's not worry about it. Because he made the mistakes, I feel it is less scary, as you say. And it makes me think of how in horror movies, if they, they could still be scary, but it would help the, the audience out. If you have a problem with horror movies, just to show like the monster, like, let's say like he trips at one point, he doesn't fall down, but he's just like, you know, when

you're walking down a sidewalk, that's a little uneven and you trip. Oh, I don't even, I don't even, not even sidewalk. I am so clumsy. You don't, you don't fall down, but you do have a little stutter step. And if they just showed the monster doing that once, it would humanize it a little bit so you wouldn't be that scared. A little less scary. You'd be like, oh, he's just like me.

That's right. Maybe not jump, but you know, we, but we. We're not so different. We're not so different. We're not so different. That's right. Well, okay. That makes me feel better.

Let's not worry about it. Well, listen, if you're going to stencil stuff on the sidewalk, please don't make them murder messages, but come up with nicer things. And spell them correctly. And at least spell them correctly. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, we have to take a break.

And when we return, we have a very interesting guest. Very interesting. We're going to bring him to the studio. Can't wait. More when The Neighborhood Listen returns. Hello, this is Ricardo, and I am offering, for just $15, stool, wood, sturdy wooden stool. Included a picture of it, as you can see. You can tell it's a stool, but also you can clearly see that it's wood. There's, you know, the lines that wood has.

Grain, I guess. And it's a stool. I probably should have told you the dimensions of it, how high it is or the width or whatever. But I forgot to measure it. But I would say it's stool sized. If you picture a stool, I'm going to say, I also didn't include anything in the picture for scale really. So it actually looks like it could be a little table, but I assure you it's not. It is a stool.

And as far as stools go, if you think of your family of stools, like if the dad is like the high stool that you'd see at a bar and then the mama stool is like, you know, this is like the high stool that you'd see at a bar. And then, uh, the mama stool is like, um, you know, this, this is like the mama stool. It's in the middle and it's not the baby stool, which is a stool for a child. A child could sit on this depending on the age of the child. The feet could reach the floor. Um, but once again stool it is a wood stool $15 gets you a stool and may I say because it's wood

you can paint if you want unless you really want people to know hey this is wood so this is Ricardo get at me for that stool if you see it in person you'll see what size it is This is Ricardo. Get at me for that stool. If you see it in person, you'll see what size it is.

Welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. Hi, everybody. Well, we've got our guest. We do. She's right here. She's right here in the Kitchen Island studio. This is an interesting post. It is.

It's direct. It's direct. It's not messing around. It's putting it wildly, Joan. I know. It is. It's direct. It's direct. It's not messing around. It's putting it wildly, Joan. I know. I know. This is Erin. Her name is Erin. And she writes, the headline is, I've got your drone. In the body

of the message, you live near me. Your kid was just having a little fun with their toy, and then it was gone. It has been found details on make and model and a promise to practice good uav piloting in the future by maintaining a sight line at all times when flying dot dot dot and then then a space yep dot dot, and it shall be returned. End of message. Chilling. And we have this poster right here.

Erin, welcome to the Neighborhood Listener. Hi. Hi. Erin, hello. Hi. Thank you for being, you seem upset. Yeah, a little bit. Why is that?

Because of the drone? That's one thing. You've had it with drones, I can tell, right? Is this not the first drone that you have come across? Not the first, not the last. We're in a drone epidemic right now. Really? A lot of people flying drones think they know how to fly them,

and they don't. A lot of them are children who are not trained drone engineers, and I'm gonna be the one to take them out of the sky. And I'm happy to do it, actually. So you're taking these out of the sky and I'm happy to do it actually so you're you're taking these out of the sky so did you take it out it's not just landing in your yard how did you get it um you want to you want to know how I got it yes yeah I was sunbathing on my balcony right above my pergola oh pergola. See? She knows.

She knows. And I was holding my aluminum. Oh, sure. The old school. Oh, she's got the. My aluminum screen. The menu. What do you call the screen? The menu.

The menu. And I selected deep dark on the menu. Oh, it's like a. And I held it up. There were different selections. The savage tan. As I'm tanning, a shadow like a... And I held it up. There were different selections. The savage tan. As I'm tanning, a shadow comes over my head.

Uh-oh. And doesn't stop. And by the way, I can't get tanned through a shadow. That's true. You cannot. No one ever did. It's a drone,

believe it or not, whirring and whizzing above me. Okay? All right. By the way, I'm nude. I was just going to ask that. So invasion of privacy. Absolutely. Well, now that is, that's upsetting. By the way, I'm nude. I was just going to ask that. So invasion of privacy. Absolutely.

Well, now that is, that's upsetting. For the listener, Erin is not nude in the studio. She means in the story that she's telling. But she does have a great tan. She does. She's a gorgeous tan. Do you hold, do you hold, can I just ask a lady question? Absolutely.

Do you hold that screen above your, your, your, your, your boobies? No. Yeah, that's right. Or underneath. Beneath. Okay. So, cause you want them to get the sun as well. your knockers. Yeah, that's right. Or underneath beneath. OK, so because you want them to get the sun as well. They need it. Yeah, they need it.

If you saw them, they need it. Oh, well, we'll take your we'll take your word for it. You're not going to see him because I'm a lady. I don't jump to work environments with my clothes on. We're not in the privacy

of my own home. And I thought I was I was thought I was totally. Of course you did. Of course you did. Continue. Continue. Shadow looms overhead.

Now, of course, I think it's a passing cloud. I barely glance. Okay. I think it's a big black metal cloud. When I glance. A big black metal cloud. When I barely glance. Okay.

I just go, it's a metal cloud. I let it linger because I can't control nature as much as I tried. But you know that in nature, clouds don't become metal. Right. So that didn't pique your curiosity at all? You know what? I'm just asking a question. I know.

Are you? I'm just interested. I do think he is, Erin. I think you're just asking a question. Because I will trust the woman here. I'm going to trust the woman. Fair enough. Thank you.

I do know that nature doesn't make metal clouds. However, upon a glance, I thought maybe something had changed. I'm going to let it slide. Just in the last day, maybe we've got climate change. We've got metal clouds. Maybe this is a new thing. Nature's doing something new. I want to change.

That's right. We're going to get snow in July. We're going to get metal clouds. Is it ever going new thing. Nature's doing something new. I love this change. That's right. We're going to get snow in July. We're going to get metal clouds. Is it ever going to get hot? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, exactly. I like you.

I love you. You? You're on thin ice. You're on thin ice, Burns. Understood. Talk about climate change. Oh, I love this. This is fun.

So I look up again. I realize it's not a cloud. This time it's a drone. Okay? Yes. And for the record, I'm pissed because I'm nude. I'm as relaxed as a woman can be. And suddenly I'm as tense as a woman can be.

Because somebody's prying eyes are trying to spot me. Yeah. Or successfully. Correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't know a ton about drones. Do all of them have cameras? Is that their only purpose, really? Generally, yes. You think they're just flying a little black box around for fun?

Yeah, seriously. I mean, they wouldn't even see where it goes. It disappears, and then what? What's the fun in that? Because in my day, we used to have remote-controlled planes, and they did not have cameras. You literally were just doing the equivalent of flying around a black box for fun. No, these things are meant to get up and over and get into places where you shouldn't be. Like her pergola and her body.

100%. So I stood up. Okay, so I took my aluminum menu. I stood it up on its side on top of my chair. And then I climbed on top of that to get some height. Oh, how did you balance? How did you balance? Now you can see I'm a ballerina. Oh, how did you? Wow. How did you balance?

Now you can see I'm a ballerina. Oh, look at that. She is very light and very lean. Absolutely. And boy, am I jealous because I could not do that, Erin. Well, if you saw my feet out of the shoes, you'd be throwing up. It is. I do love that you wore the shoes.

Thank you. I wear them everywhere I go. You wear ballet flats everywhere you go. You never know where you'll need some height. So I climb on top of the aluminum menu. I snatch the drone out of the air. I look directly into its eyes

and I say, I'm going to show you a view you might not be too excited about. And I take it inside and I put it on the shower, the tub ledge. Okay.

I turn it. I basically stack a bunch of books on it so it can't fly anymore. In the shower. Because it was still trying to? It was still trying to go. Well, you were like wrestling. I was wrestling. You were still wrestling with it.

Oh, my. You have to grab an armful of books from a bookshelf, presumably. It was a very Mr. Bean scenario. Oh, you mean... So I'm weighing it down on the bathtub ledge. I have a plan. I see you weighed them down on top of the drone. What did you think?

I thought she put it on a stack of books, and I thought, well, for a better angle, for what is she going to do in the shower? I was just a little confused. No, no, no. I'm not going anywhere near this bathroom again. I'm setting it up. Okay, you put books on top of it. How many books did it take? I'm just curious.

Six. Okay. Six dictionaries. I have every one that they've ever made. You have all six? There were only six made, Bernt. A new word every few years? Yeah.

Six made over the course of a lifetime. I've got all six. But they're very big, I imagine. They're fatter than the day is long. I mean, the books are huge. By the way, very, very hard to carry. They're at least three feet wide. Sure. But did you get them all in one trip or did you have to go back for a few?

Carried them in one. You are my hero. Thank you. I love you. I love you. And you have a lot of questions, sir. I do. I'm sorry. I'm very inquisitive. I'm very inquisitive. It's fine. But you know what? She's right. I love you. I love you. And you have a lot of questions, sir. I do. I'm sorry. I'm very inquisitive. Okay. I'm very inquisitive. It's fine.

But you know what? She's right. I've never, I've never, I've always thought it. Well, Joan, are you saying? I've always thought it. I've always thought it, Erin, but I never said it. And now that you're saying it, thank you for that. Joan, I can hear you.

Are you saying I have too many questions? Well, whatever. That was supposed to be between us. That was a woman's talk. Well, we're all wearing headphones. It's supposed to be in a frequency you couldn't hear. Woman's whisper. Can you hear this? I don't like him. I can't hear you.

Sometimes I was the same way. Oh, this is news that I never heard before. This is... I love you, Bart. You know it. I have a prank and a plan. You do now. Basically, my brain works very instantly to create pranks.

Wow. Is that so? So the second I've got this thing under control, under all my dictionaries, I have it set up on the edge of the tub where my husband, who doesn't pay any attention to anything in the goddamn world, I get all new furniture he wouldn't even notice, will be going into the bathroom and doing God knows what he does in there and he'll be caught on film by this child. And I want there to be destruction.

Okay? I see it in my eye i know this kid's flying this thing by the way because this little kid next door is like a richie rich dennis the menace type oh boy he's got all the money in the world and he doesn't and he loves to annoy and pester so he's like if dennis the menace became rich yes if if richie rich had left had died and left his money to Dennis the Menace. And if the mean neighbor had a daughter and it was me, then we're living in a comic and it's my hell. Right. Okay? Right.

I'm suffering daily. So you're hoping that your husband's going to come in and wreck that bathroom and it's going to be all caught on that camera. Or God knows what he does in there. He's not going to notice the six giant dictionaries in the room? I don't think so if he's texting his girlfriend. I don't know what's going to go down. Are you sure about this? Is this something you're guessing? I don't know.

I've been spying on him for months. And I cannot figure out the password to his phone. I watch him type it. Now it looks like three, five, seven, nine.

Right. Okay. That's not what it is. Oh. Okay. So I tried three, three, five,

five. That's not what it is. I tried to move my hand over it as if that was what I was pressing, but then press different numbers. That's not what it is. Right. Okay.

I can't figure it out. Now, have you ever had a very long-term affair? No, I have not. Have you? Nope. Nope. Nope.

Have you? No. But I think my husband's doing it. And you say long-term, so you think this has been going on for quite a while. I would say, okay,

here's something. Tell me. Look, my friends don't want to talk about this anymore because I talk about this a lot. Okay. My friends are done. Can I just run something by you?

You absolutely can. I'm not done with you, Erin. Thank you. On our wedding night, he told me he was having a girlfriend for a lot and he planned to keep her. Okay. What? That seems like very damning evidence. That's what I'm saying.

But I cannot figure out for the life of me who she is or what she's doing or if it's still going on or if it's really happening or if that was a lie or if it was just

messing with me. Wait, wait, wait. Erin, you're a strong woman. What did you do when you heard this? I rolled over and snored as if I didn't

heard a thing. Okay, that's how you, I'm surprised that's how you chose to deal with it. And then has the topic come up since then? I'm too afraid to brush it Why is that? You don't seem afraid of anything

No, you are, don't you? You snatched that drone right out of the sky? That's right You know what, I'm not afraid of anything under the age of 12 I see Above 12, I get a lot of fear So 13 and up And I bet that your relationship has been going on for how long?

Let's see. It's what? 2000. What year is it? 19. We started marrying in 2011. How long did that process take? So I guess eight years, give or take a few.

When he was gone, he was out of the country for four of them. Four? For four years. I had to figure out who he was with. He lives out of the country for four of them. Four? For four years! What was Aaron doing? Oh, Aaron, you've got... He posts pictures with this beautiful woman, and she's young, and on it he tags my girlfriend. Who is she? He's posting a picture

very clearly of him with another woman and saying, this is my girlfriend. Who is she? Honey, I think it's his girlfriend. I can't, so I gotta get this drone kid away from my neighborhood. I have big priorities. Forget the husband. I got to figure out the drone kid.

Put a pin in that for a moment. Sure. We'll put that aside. Priorities, people. The drone is going to fly. Okay. So anyway, I managed to beat the shit out of the drone until the batteries didn't do anything anymore.

And now this kid. Did the husband plan ever work out or no? Look, we don't. Only the kid knows. So I have to talk to the kid at some point, but I'm very scared. Why do you have to talk to the kid? I'm scared to address him face to face because I want to see the footage. I see. But I don't think you'd offer

this thing. So you put it out on the neighbor app to say, I've got your drone. You know who you are. You know who you are. You know what you did. I've got your drone. But it seems to be addressed to the parents. Yes. Have you heard from anyone?

Okay. I received two messages back. Interesting. Do you want me to read them? Yes, please. Oh, cool.

Cool. The first one says, I think this is my kid's drone. He flew it over your house. We saw you naked while you were sunbathing. We? Were they watching as a family? That's terrible.

It is. And then we saw you grab it and yell into it. We couldn't hear because there's no sound on it. What did you say? I was going to mention that, that there was no way they were going to hear you. I didn't know that. That seems like it's the person. That's who it was. That definitely seems. Wait till you. I didn't know that. That seems like it's the person. That's who it was.

Wait till you hear message number two. Okay. This one's here. I want a drone. What does it look like? What's the make and model? I would be happy to have it. What is the drone?

And then they said, what is the drone? What is the drone? With the M. They switched the N for the M. Like the drome? With the M. They switched the N for the M. Like the stencil, but backwards. Yeah. This is, okay. That's interesting.

So I don't know if you can solve that mystery. Now, are you mystery solvers? Not by trade. Not by trade. That is not, I mean, we just dabbled a little bit today. That's all we did. We have solved a couple mysteries here on this podcast. I guess sometimes we do, yes.

There was a tortoise that went missing. For a very long time. We found out he turned up somewhere else. Yep. And this is all through combing through NeighborHap. So sometimes, I guess what there are mysteries on the NeighborHap, I guess. But I do think that Bernt is right. The first poster is the one to whom which the drum

belongs. Okay. I'll message her back. Your name is Burnt? Burnt, yes. Like the toast. Yeah, I guess so. You don't recognize him from the CBS? Have you ever been down there? Yes! You spend time there. Well, I work there. So you can say I spend time

there, yes. I spend time at Office Max. But you don't work there. No's what you do. So you can say I spend time there, yes. I spend time at OfficeMax. But you don't work there. No, I do. Oh. Oh. I spend 40 hours a week there. You'd think I love it.

That's a good amount of time to spend there, but you don't. I can't say that. Do you love the time you spend at the CVS? I do love working at the CVS. Do you, what are your thoughts on the receipts i'm sure you've talked about it we have not addressed this burnt we know that it's a real well because it's kind of a thorn in his side there's there's i i understand i understand why people are upset that the receipts are so long but there's there's a very good reason why the

receipts are as long as they are because you're getting a complete itemized breakdown of everything you've bought you're also getting like a receipt but you're also getting special offers there are there are enticements for you to keep shopping at cvs and the rewards are many if you just pay attention to the receipt it's just so much don't you feel like the coupons you always get for something you don't want like it's like $1 off 10 boxes of Giant Pads. Yes! And it's like, well, I don't use Giant Pads anymore, you know? What?

I don't need a dollar, but I have to buy 10? Can I tell you something? I want to get fall-down drunk with you. I love you. Oh, my God. I don't want to sound too O. Henry here, but the moment you throw away that receipt, that's the moment you have house guests. They're all women, they need giant pads.

Well, we'll find out. We'll find out. Oh, we will find out. Well, look, I... So do I do now. Do I get a divorce or do I return the drone? Oh my gosh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Aaron, Aaron.

Just one thing at a time. Oh man. Let's say, I think that, you know, the drone, it's up to you, I guess, if you're going to return it or not. They were trespassing on your property. You could be teaching this child a valuable lesson by not returning it. Certainly it's got to be damaged by the books. But I do think that you need to make sure you get that footage before. the books. But I do think that you need to make sure you get that footage before you have to get it

a signed agreement or you have to just have them you just have to have it known that they are not going to receive that drone and do anything with that footage. I don't want to be a meme. No, you don't want to be a meme. Not again. You might even want to bring in the Department of Childhood

Services, is it? Because the parents shouldn't be watching the footage of nude people. Definitely not. No, no, no. What was the first meme you were? Oh, you've seen it. Oh, I have? Have you seen it?

Well, it's a GIF, and it's a GIF sometimes used as a meme. The one where the woman goes up to the cabinet and all the Tupperware falls out on her? Yes. Oh, yes! That's you? That's you? And that's found footage. Oh, what?

What do you mean by that? The footage was found. Right. Well, right. But by whom and how? Who, you know, who took the footage and why? The footage was taken. You're going to hate me.

Impossible. Is this? By a child with a drug. In your house? Yep. And I opened my cabinet, and all my Tupperware fell because I could never organize it. And the drone started laughing. It started laughing?

The drone started laughing? It backed up out the window. Wait, wait, wait. I don't understand. And suddenly I was a meme. And I wasn't even in the commercial for the product of the Tupperware organizer. People think that's from a commercial. People think it's from a commercial.

It's not. It was literally you. I found footage from my home. Like, has this happened to you? Right, right, right. Exactly. Yes, yes. How did the drone know that this was going to happen?

Or was it just a lucky coincidence for the drone? Look, I had all the neighborhood kids over Two days before To help me set up for a lemonade stand I wanted to run And I knew the kids knew how to do that I thought you were so afraid of them I needed their help And yet I needed their help I knew they'd all run lemonade stands at some point in their life

I never knew how to do it So I tried to do it Well, I know that now They saw my Tupperware organization Because I had to get Tupperware out for the lemonade stand To mix the lemonade And to do it. There's nothing to it, really. Well, I know that now. Okay. They saw my Tupperware organization because I had to get Tupperwares out for the lemonade stand to mix the lemonade and to sell it. And they saw it all fall. They thought it was very funny. I thought it was another joke.

Two days later, a drone comes through my window. The drone leaves laughing, backing up. Now, here's a question. Is that it's unclear because it's always different. Your body's always different in the meme. Yeah. Originally, were you also nude in this moment? You Your body's always different in the meme. Yeah. Originally, were you also nude in this moment? You don't want to know it, but I was.

Because the boys came over, and I had run out of the shower because I had... Look, they were setting up the table, and they said, Quick, quick, there's a lot of foot traffic. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Get the Tupperware going. We got to... And so I thought, okay, fine. I'm going to run out of the shower.

I'm going to grab it. They were all in the living room. They saw me naked. Regrettable. Regrett regrettable but not scarring at the time okay i get all the tupperware on me they laugh we all laugh i'm nude haha i go back and dry off in the shower put on a towel and then dry off why are you wet i hopped out so fast. I was sopping, sopping, sopping, sopping. By the way, I think I made their lives with this experience because they see a naked ballerina falling under a bunch of Tupperware. They'll never forget it.

They will never forget it. Getting drenched. Listen, I think that you need to make sure that that footage will not get out. You don't want to become a meme. No. Not again. You should go to couples counseling if we're going to talk about the other thing.

Yes. If you can convince your husband to do that, I would really recommend it. Okay. And you should call child services on your neighbors because they shouldn't be looking at it. I will do that now. No. And you could use that as a threat. You know, if you don't make sure that this is going to be returned to me.

And if you use that footage and this is what I'm going to do. Okay, I love that. Listen, you're a tough gal. Stick with that toughness and just really, you know, just don't let them push you around. I love that. I love that. And then come over to my house and we will watch The Bachelor. Yes!

And we will just drink. I love this. Am I invited? Oh, yes, you are. Oh, fine. I don't know. Yes, you are. And we will just drink. I love this. Am I invited? No. Oh, yes, you are. Oh, fine. I don't know. Yes, you are, Burns.

I'm just learning you. Yes, you are. I'm learning your edges. Like the Ed Sheeran song. Oh, I love him. The shape of you. I'm figuring it out. That's right.

Who you are, what you do. And if we jive. You know, when you said edges, I was thinking of the John Legend song. And that maybe you were learning my perfect imperfections as well. Oh, that's a lovely song. I like you. I like you. I spoke too soon.

People say I'm really a tough critic. Well, I don't blame you. I think that if you'd been turned into a nude meme, I don't blame you for being wary in the future. And also this whole husband business with the very brazen about the girlfriend. Thank you. My friends just don't want to talk about it. Thank you for giving me this platform, by the way.

Of course. It's what we're here to do. Thank you for being on the show. It was invigorating. It was. It definitely was. Yeah. Good. All right. Well, Iigorating. It definitely was. Yeah. Good. All right. Well, I think we solved it all. I feel much better.

I do think we solved it all. Yeah, I'm corresponding with this woman on the app. All right, well, here. We're going to exchange numbers. Yes. And we're going to have some fun this weekend. And hopefully we'll solve that strangling problem as well. We will.

We'll just get Erin on it. She won't mess around with that guy. Yep. I'm going to get that strangler. That's right. I hope he's 12 years or younger. Me too. Well, we have to take a break. When we return, we're going to wrap it up here on The Neighborhood Listen.

Hello, my name is Lisa. I have a cute Cavi guinea pig figurine. It's not a real animal. It's a figurine. He's eating an apple. Seven inches by five inches. The entire figurine is that. Not the apple. That's ridiculous.

That would be such a large apple. But it is life size. But coffee never needs feeding because it's not a real coffee because it's a figurine it's in mint condition a great gift for critter lovers as long as they understand that it's not real it's a figurine okay welcome back to the neighborhood listen we are about out of time just time for one more post that's right

boy she was fun and look I want to say she's a real pistol I know I got a little carried away with her I want to go back and just review I

never didn't like you buddy I never did that's nice of you to say although you did say I know in the woman voice which kind of just means I'm just being sympathetic to how she's feeling right now. I understand. I want to make it very, very clear.

Bernt and I are good friends. We've been friends for a very long time. That's correct. And I've always just loved you. And I believe you. And also, I will never forget that you said that you didn't like me at first, which is unfortunate. Well, it seems like now we just took a couple steps backwards from where we just started. No, no, no.

I'm just saying it's an unfortunate thing that I will never be able to erase that from my mind. Well, Vern, this seems like a problem. I want to really be able to move past this. Honestly, you have to believe me, Joan. It's no problem. We are friends. We will remain friends.

Okay. But I will never forget that. All right. Okay, this is speaking of solving mysteries. Oh, yes. I remember a while back. I'm getting ahead of myself. Okay. Here's the post.

This comes from Nick. He said, the headline is, found chicken. Is anyone missing a chicken? Wandered into my neighbor and I's backyards. My neighbor and I's. Okay, go on. Yes, now there's one picture where the chicken seems to be on a rooftop

so I don't know what Nick considers a backyard then there's another one that just seems to be a picture of a backyard I cannot for the life of me find the chicken in the photo are you serious let me see I'm quite serious you're kidding it's just an empty oh I sort of see okay I thought that

was a gourd but it is the chicken blending into its surroundings. Much like our old friend, the chameleon from Disney's Tangled. Oh. Pascal, his name is. Oh. Now, not the chicken. I didn't know you were a fan. That's the one Disney movie I've seen.

The one? Yeah. I don't know why. I hear a lot about them. And then I finally saw this one and I was like, this is pretty good. Tangled was wonderful. It don't know why. I hear a lot about them. And then I finally saw this one. And I was like, this is pretty good. Tangled was wonderful. It was a wonderful film.

A beautiful animation. It sure was. So here's the thing. Do you remember a little while ago, there was a chicken that was out in the middle of traffic? Yes, I do. Someone took a picture from the bus. Yes. And I think this is that chicken. It could be. Do we have a picture of that other chicken? We do have a picture from the bus. Yes. And I think this is that chicken.

It could be. Do we have a picture of that other chicken? We do have a picture of the other chicken. I think you'll agree they look very similar. I mean, we are talking about chickens. Yes. They're both rough chickens. I don't know how you would.

Oh, rough chickens, which we learned from the Silky Chicken episode. That's right. Yes. From Mizell. That's correct. These, I think this is the same chicken. They're both rough chickens. I think he is making the rounds of Dignity Falls.

He's just kind of strutting his stuff. He's just having a timeout on the town. Yeah, he might be. Here's the thing. He might not be a chicken that belongs to someone. He might be a wild chicken. I think so. Could we have those in Dignity Falls?

I don't see why not. There's wild everything. I guess that's true. Yes. There a wild chicken. I think so. Could we have those in Dignity Falls? I don't see why not. There's wild everything. I guess that's true. There's wild horses. There's wild dogs. Yes, there are. Wild chickens. There's coyotes all over the place.

Why not a wild chicken? And how did this chicken make it this long with the coyotes around? This chicken is something else. He's streetwise. He obviously, you know. He walks to the Vita Saturday night fever. He's, he's just like John Travolta's feet right there walking to staying alive. Imagine this chicken carrying a bucket of paint.

Sorry, that was, I have something called distant cough. What is that? I'm not familiar with that particular melody. You're not? I've seen a lot of different coughs come into the CVS, but I'm not familiar with distant cough. Well, it's pretty much what it sounds like. I'm coughing, but it really sounds like it's from a distance because it comes from deep down in the esophagus, in the larynx. And it's not anything dangerous.

It will go away. It's treatable just with any cough drop. But you're saying most of the sound is contained within the body. So I was right up on this microphone, but it sounded like it was in the corner. It really did sound like it was in the corner. I have to read up on that. Well, absolutely. Yeah.

I've never had anyone come in for that. I think it's a season for it. It is. There's a certain tree or a certain pollen that actually sort of gets gets in there and it irritates the lungs. I'm going to look up on this and then I'll have more information about it the next time. Thank you so much. Now, you were saying about this chicken. Yeah, I think it's a wild chicken.

It's fine. Well, that's all the time we have for this episode of The Neighborhood. Listen. That's right. And Joan, a pleasure as always. Oh, I love you, Berndt. I really do. I love you too, Joan.

We are friends and nothing can change that. That is right. Not even my inability to forget that you said you did not like me when we first met. You just said it again. Okay. And Doug, hope you're doing okay up there on the roof. Right. I've always liked you, man.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Doug. That's nice to hear. You're making me look bad. Here we go. I think you are a terrific husband to Joan. We do have to go. Thank you so much.

Don't forget our new email address, Bertandjoan at gmail.com. Write to us if you have something from your neighborhood. Yeah, let us know where you're from. Where are you from? Where are you listening to us from? We want to know. How did you find us?

Have you recommended us to anyone? That's right. That's right. Recommend us to everyone. Please do recommend us to anyone? That's right. That's right. Recommend us to everyone. Please do recommend us to everyone. Everyone. We feel like we have a good time doing this show, and we'd certainly like other people to hear it. Oh, I know I have a good time doing this show.

We'd like people to know about our neighborhood, Dignity Falls, which we love. So come be a part of the neighborhood. I think that's a good slogan. Thank you. Come be a part of the neighborhood. I think that's a good slogan. Thank you. Come be a part of the neighborhood. Maybe we'll make a t-shirt. Oh, I hadn't even thought about that. That's what you got to do now.

You got to have merch. Merch. That's right. They call it merch. They call it merch. All right. So we'll get into that. We'll get into that.

Magnets and bobbleheads and t-shirts. Did you say magnets or magnets? Oh. Oh, a chill went down my spine. Or spime. Stay tuned. Or stay tuned. Stay.

This is turning into Tales from the Crypt. Stay tuned. Oh, that was good. Well, thank you very much. Well, that's all the time we have for this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. We will see you again next time. Bye.

And goodbye.