The Neighborhood Listen - Octopi, Dante's Peak and Stealing Fruit with Matt Gourley

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

This week, Burnt and Joan get into paella, succulents, Doug's sleepwalking habits and a neighbor who stomps on plants. Plus, Adam (Matt Gourley) stops in to talk about the people who have been filling their pockets with his oranges, and more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is. All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets.

And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest is played by Matt Gourley. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone.

You've got the NeighborHalf app and us. Bert. And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once more to The Neighborhood Listen.

Here we are again. Here we are. And who are we? Oh, well. Because some people might be listening for the first time. It's true. Here we are. And who are we? Oh, well. Because some people might be listening for the first time. It's true. It's true. Because we're kind of slowly, I think people are getting more and more aware of the podcast.

I think so, too. And people are listening, by the way, people that are not from Dignity Falls. Joan, this is what we thought might happen. We did. We thought this might happen. But you're saying you got confirmation this is happening. I have confirmation. What?

Now, I need to. I got a tweet. Someone tweeted at me. Should we tell people who we are? Oh, yes. Sorry. My apologies. I'm Joan Pedestrian.

I am Bertnia Payday. There we go. We are your hosts for this podcast called The Neighborhood Listen, where we talk about our neighborhood, Dignity Falls. That's right. Now, you're saying you are from someone outside of Dignity Falls. That's right. Now, you're saying you heard from someone outside of Dignity Falls. That's right. Via Twitter.

Via Twitter. And, you know, they're from down south. Way down south. Way down south. Do you think they wrote at sleepy time? Did they write at sleeping time? I'm sorry. What was the question?

Sleepy time down south. It was a reference to a song. Oh, the question? Sleepy Time Down South. It was a reference to a song. Oh, what song? Sleepy Time Down South. I'm sorry. I haven't had my coffee yet. I'll tell you what. I thought that that would be right up your alley.

It's an old standard. It's a bit obscure, sure. I was up all night watching that damn cat murder Netflix show. You know that thing? I have heard of it i it's it's got a curse word in the title but this is a podcast so we can say it's fuck cats oh i was gonna say don't beep with cats but you just said it oh don't fuck with cats i think what i said is actually the opposite well it's a podcast i think we should we should swear more

all right i think we should swear. I thought you'd never say it. Because I've been holding back, Burnt, I'll tell you what. As Doug, I swear like a sailor sometimes. Well, you know, you come from the theater and of course,

everyone's very salty there. That's right. It's very irreverent. That's what we're known for. Yes. So many similarities to, you know, the military and being in the trenches.

So many similarities. So many similarities. They swear know, the military and being in the trenches. So many similarities. So many similarities. They swear a lot, too. This is fucking great wine. Oh, oh, oh. Burn, I kind of like you swearing. This shit is corked. Hey!

Oh, my goodness gracious. Woo! I was up all night anyways. And so I just, I'm a little losing it. Yeah, so you're watching this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, don't fuck with the cats.

Yeah. And you, you watched the whole thing. You binged it. I did. I binged it. I did, I'm a little losing it. So you're watching this, don't fuck with the cats. Yeah. And you watched the whole thing. You binged it. I binged it. I did. I did. And Doug fell asleep. You know, he was, I don't know.

Did you sleep, Doug? Where is our sound engineer, Doug? Doug's in the laundry room today. He's in the laundry room. He is, yeah. It's very humid in there. So we were thinking that maybe that would affect the sound in a good way or a bad way. I don't know.

What do you think? Because your dryer, the opening to the outside, it's very small. Correct. Yes. Yes. And that was an aesthetic choice. It was. It was.

Yeah. I love a... Yes? Oh, nothing, Bert. I just can't. Oh, well, anything I was going to say was going to sound dirty. You know what I mean? And I know we're swearing more, but I also don't want to be.

Let's make this the dirty episode. I like a small hole when it comes to construction. It's just the truth. It's just the truth. I think when you add when it comes to construction, it lessens the dirt. Yeah, it's kind of like in between the sheets, but you just add under construction every time. And when it comes to construction, after anything. You got a fortune cookie.

It works. Any phrase. You get a fortune cookie. That's right. You will have great luck when it comes to construction. I don't know. Maybe it's a little clunky. I'm not sure.

Doug, how's it going in there? He really loves the smell of fabric softener, too. I love the smell. And it's the cleanest place in the house. Well, all right. Calm down. I keep a pretty clean house, honey. Well, I didn't mean anything.

You're saying because cleaning goes on in there. Yes, and I've been feeling a little under the weather, and I thought, this might be a very sanitary place. Right. He was achy, and he had a fever, and barfy. And what? Barfy? Barfy. And I didn't know if it was something. I tried a new recipe last night, and I'm not sure if it was that or not.

And he also had a little bit of a fever. It was a paella. Ah, I see. It was many different seafoods. You can never be too sure with that. And it was very new to me, and I tried to make it in the pressure cooker. We're talking shrimp? We're talking shrimp.

We're talking mussels. We're talking saffron. We're talking rice. So just two sea creatures. Well, no, I haven't gotten to more of them. There were more of them. I thought we were running down the list of... I'm sorry I didn't categorize it perfectly for you. What, you can't have two seafoods followed by a starch and a spice and then another seafood?

It has to be seafood, seafood, seafood, seafood, spice, starch, starch. You list by category. You know, sometimes I think to myself, no wonder he's single. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Joan, I don't want us to be at each other's throats like this. This is not us. If you have such a need for specific listing, my goodness, you're very particular.

I just, all I was saying was, I thought we were going one place and then we were very quickly going another. And it really threw you for a loop, huh? Because I thought, Saffron, Saffron, what does that look like? And then I realized, oh, that's not a fish. Oh, wow. Wow. I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to throw you off. No, I know you didn't. I know, I am not,

I feel like we've gotten off on a straight... We've been friends for years, and I feel like we have gotten off on a very strange foot this episode. I'm sorry. I love you, Bernd. I love you, too. I don't want you to feel attacked.

When it comes to construction. Okay, it works. I do not feel attacked. I do not feel attacked. I was ribbing you a little bit. Well, that's. It works. Guess what? I do not feel attacked. I do not feel attacked. Okay, good. I just feel like we're— I was ribbing you a little bit. Okay, all right.

Well, that's fine then. But you're a gentle rib. Like you're Elisa Lampanelli or something. What a person to pull out of thin air. Yep. Yep. The famous roaster. Oh, sure, sure, sure.

I could have said Jeff Ross, the roast master himself. Oh, did I roast you a little bit? All right. All in good fun. Okay, tit for tat. How about give me a roast? You don't know how to list things. All right.

I guess same category. Okay, fine. I feel like this is... Anyway, can I tell you about the pharmacist? Sure. Doug will be alive in a minute. We'll be able to keep talking about it. He'll be alive in a minute.

He can just hold on. All right. Doug, hang in there. How are you feeling right now? I'm very moist feeling. It's very humid in here. Right. But remember we said it's very humid in there.

It's true. So I thought maybe if he goes in there, he could sweat it out. Yes. Yeah, he could just sweat out whatever's in there. He cleans the equipment too, which is nice. Oh, that's good. It's true. So I thought maybe if he goes in there, he could sweat it out. Yes. Yeah, he could just sweat out whatever's in there. And it cleans the equipment, too, which is nice. Oh, that's good. That's good. The sweat?

Well, the moisture in the air creates sort of a— A film, if you will. A do. A do. A do. And then I can wipe clean the recording equipment. Actually, I don't know a ton about recording equipment. I think that actually moisture is bad for it.

But that's not it here and right there. What I am going to say is this Netflix series, The Pharmacist. Oh, I haven't heard of it. It's a true crime narrative where the hero is a pharmacist. And, Joan, I could not have been. How lovely. This never happens. Never happens.

Never happens. I can't think of another time a pharmacist was the protagonist or quite even the character, to be honest. Nor can I. Nor can I. Even present in the story. Look at Mr. Gower in His Wonderful Life. Almost poisoned someone. You have to go so far back, too.

He abuses a child. And that's the only one we have. That's the only example of a pharmacist we have. So in this particular series, the pharmacist is the hero. Yes. Great. He is, and there was one moment in it, and get ready for another curse word. Oh, here we go.

I'm buckling in. It's about the opioid crisis. Sure. And this pharmacist realizing that OxyContin is being over, and other opiates are being overprescribed. Indeed. that OxyContin is being over, and other opiates are being overprescribed. Indeed. He calls this one doctor because a mother has come in with a 12-year-old child who's been given a prescription for OxyContin.

Oh, Jesus. And the dosage, the pharmacist knows, well, this is an overdose for this child. Sure. The child's too small for this dosage. Right. Calls the doctor. The doctor says, you know, he calls the doctor and says, this is an overdose for this child that you've written this prescription for.

Mm-hmm. The doctor says, when did you become a fucking doctor? What? Now, I can't tell you how many. These doctors. Oh, I bet. First of all, you've got to try to decipher their hieroglyphics when they're scribbling out something on a piece of paper. That's absolutely right.

But then they act like all you're doing is just putting the pills in a jar like a chicken at the state fair. And obviously it's more than that. Way more than the chickens that put pills in jars at the state fair. So much more. There's so much more. If anything, I think... Chickens that think they're so clever. At least call me Paul the Octopus, who is very smart and picked the World Cup winners.

Paul the Octopus? That's right. Octopi are very smart. Who's Paul the Octopus? Paul the Octopus was a famous octopus. Maybe the most. Who... But there's so many, so. There's a few.

There's the squid and the whale. So many octopi of note. Exactly. Squidly diddly. Paul the Octopus was a German octopus who picked the. What are you saying? What is going on today? He was a famous German octopus Who picked the World Cup winners

The soccer World Cup winners For many years in a row Really? Yes I never heard of that Doug, have you heard of that? I have heard of that Because he really

He does love the World Cup He's into that World famous Really? I mean he's a German octopus And we know about him here How would he select How would he choose?

Just one of his tentacles would They would put two items In his tank Okay You know with With pictures or flags on them. All right. And then he would always pick the one who ended up being the winner. Really?

Yes. Wow. They are supposed to be very smart. They can escape from anything. Oh, well, yes. I know that. They are the Houdinis of the sea. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Don't punch them in the stomach. Oh, really? Well, isn't that sort of a rule for every human being and animal on the planet? I would say yes. Okay. I think it's a good rule of thumb for everybody. Houdini's mistake, of course, was he let it.

Right. He told people. Oh, he got cocky. Then he tried to put a rule on it. Yeah. It was like, but I have to be ready. And it's like, if you say you can punch me in the stomach, people are going to tune out instantly. And they're not going to hear, but I have to be ready. And it's like, if you say you can punch me in the stomach, people are going to tune out instantly. And they're not going to hear, but I have to be ready.

That's right. That's right. People hear what they want to hear. They sure do. And they're going to punch you when they're going to punch you, you know? This is a truth. Listen, we have to get to what the actual point of this podcast is. Yes, we do.

But I will watch that show. It should be called The Pharmacist. What is it called? It's called The Pharmacist. Well, that's good. Joan, your wish is granted. You know what? That works out in such a nice, it's a nice neat little package. Can I ask, did you think it was called something else?

And if so, what did you think it was called? To be honest, I don't know. I thought for some reason the word murder was in the title. Don't fuck with pills? I can't remember. Yes, don't fuck with pills. Yeah, it could be a whole series, really. Don't fuck with pills, don't fuck with octopus.

Octopi. In the whole don't fuck-a-verse. Yes. There would be different installments. Yeah, right. Exactly. Different installments. All right.

So what we do here is, of course, we find posts. We bring them to the forefront for the public audience. We either want to call people's attention to it or explore it in depth a little more. This is from the NeighborHap application. Sure. And website. Yes. And we explore the neighborhood of Dignity Fall.

And I have one. I'll start off with this one from Andrea. And she says, I just thought this was a little, I just have questions about this. Because, you know, we've had, this is kind of a theme. We've had this before. We had a guest on who was very involved in succulents. Remember that?

That's true. She was, yes. I don't know what the panic is about succulents, to be honest. But there's a real succulent panic going on in Dignity Falls. This says, succulent workshops. If anyone is interested in having a succulent arrangement workshop at your home or office, parentheses, birthdays, showers, gals night, team building, et cetera, please contact me for more information. My question is, how do you apply succulent arranging to a team building experience? This is right off the top of my head. Okay. This is first thought, maybe best thought. We'll see.

If it's a company thing and you're going to make an arrangement in the shape of the company logo. Out of cacti? Out of cacti, out of all sorts of succulents, other things. And then everyone has to do it together to make it look good. So this is my problem with sometimes, you know, these team building things. For example, once at our realty company, we had an improv person come in and do a team building with us. That sounds like a nightmare. It was really a nightmare.

And, oh, boy, this kid thought he was so funny. And he came in, and we were doing these exercises. But it was like, you know, put your arms behind your body, and the other person will be your arms. And there you go, team building. And I feel like it's a very thin connection between any business and what these games mean. And so I feel like the thing is, oh, if you do anything together, it's team building. But I'm not sure that that really, I didn't come away with it feeling like I was going to be a better colleague or a better realtor in general.

You know, I just, I was just the whole time, you know, I was, to be honest, my underarms sometimes, I have a profuse sweater sometimes. I really do. Well, you work hard, Joan. I'm always wearing blazers. You work hard. I work hard and I'm always wearing a blazer. You're always wearing a dark gray blazer so no one will know.

So no one will know. Right. And it's sort of, you know, let's be real. We're being real on the podcast. Let's be real. Let's be fucking real. Let's be fucking real on the podcast. And I have some shame and some sort of embarrassment about it. Sure, who wouldn't? And I spent the whole exercise being worried about

Stuart, who had his arms under mine, and he was being my arm, you know, that he was going to feel, you know, my pits, honestly. I didn't come away from it feeling more empowered as a team. So he had you put your arms behind your back, and then he put his arms. My arms were behind my back, and his arms were my

arms, right. You know how it works. Here, I'll just demonstrate it to you. Hang on. I thought it would be, no, no, no. I've seen it because of course we've had the same team building exercises. At the pharmacy? Yes. They're hitting up every single business, aren't they? It was a different person, but it was the same. But it was the same person, if you know what I mean. Here's the thing with these

improv people. Who, I don't know who in corporate thinks that this is going to be fun for us. No. I don't know who in corporate thinks that this is going to be fun for us. No. I can't think of anything less fun than improv. I just think it's something to do. I don't know. It's something to, they don't have any ideas.

And so they hire someone else who also doesn't have any ideas. Correct. And now when it happened with us, it was a gal. And what she did was she put her arms through. No, no. She stood there. And then one of us, one of the pharmacists, had to put their arms through her armholes.

Oh, she? Do you see? Uh-huh. So then she would call the tune and say, I was doing this. And then it was on the pharmacist to operate the arms. It looked like a fool because, of course, they couldn't keep up with what she was telling them to do. That's so strange that she wanted to be a part of it. That's the other problem is they can't even just sit and watch you do it.

They have to get in there because they can't. Exactly. And, you know, and also just the way they dress, you know, it's I bet you anything. She had kind of not great, nice black pants and a jewel tone top. That's exactly right. Of course. That's exactly right. And like loafers with a slight heel.

That's what they always wear. That's exactly right. Doug took an improv class once. Is that so? And he did a little show. And then all the teachers did, came on and played. And that's all that they were wearing, were wearing. And it's like the men were wearing a butt down shirt but not tucked in and it was

slightly wrinkled and it's like, come on guys. Come on. No one wants this. No one wants this. But this team building exercise like this arms through the arm holes that's no more of a team building exercise than a centaur is building a team

between a man and a horse. Wow. That's a good point. That is a good point. You know, like you don't need this to be. No. Well, here's the thing about the centaur. Okay.

I'm glad you're going to say more. It's mostly horse. It's so much horse. And I mean, it's a lot of man. It's a lot of man. It's a lot of man. But, oh, Joan. I find centaurs sensual.

Do you really? I find them kind of hot. But not horses. I made Doug dress up as one for Halloween once. That's a very elaborate costume. Well, one of the twins was the ass, really. One of the twins was the ass, really. That sounds very unrewarding for a child to be the hidden back half of their parents' costume.

He did it in high school. He did not care. He was high the whole time. He had a great time. Really? We're really letting our hair down. Oh, I don't think there's any secret that the twins have been into everything since the beginning of time. I mean, I can't stop them from doing it.

They're a force unto their own. I just try to love them through all of their stages. Was this Matt or Frake? It was Matt. Okay. Yes. Frake was holding me up so I could jut out, sort of. I actually said Frake did not need to be in there.

I said Frake didn't need to be in there at all, but Doug insisted on it. I'm really having a hard time getting a handle on it. Because for a proper centaur, my feet are not on the ground. I'm not talking down to you about centaur-splaining. I never said you were. Guys, cool it, cool it. I just get excited about this stuff. Strange energy today.

I know. I agree. I just get excited about this stuff. Strange energy today. Strange energy. I know. I agree. I don't know what it is. So both the twins were in the horse part with Frank holding you, hoisting you along. Holding me so I'm hoisted up shirtless. Right. Oh, yes. Out, so it's just my arms.

And I airbrushed some abs on. It's just sort of, he already had abs. But I airbrushed some extra on. Oh, man, he looked so good. Sure. You know, and what was unfortunate, it're in you know your spouse is in a hot costume it's like well later on let's get you know let's get let's get busy but but there are two twins in the costume i can't really can't really do that so and then once they're gone so he gets out of the costume and he's just got grease paint on his uh torso he's just wearing

sweats on the bottom and that's not yeah and that. And that's, you know, that's just, oh, okay. And that's just another Monday. Yeah. Right. Well. Well. Should we take a break? I think we should take a break.

And when we return, we will have a guest right here in studio. More coming up on the neighborhood listen. Hey, everybody. it's Lisa. Ladies Western style pants. Six petite, short, small, gray pants. Ladies silky top with a city buildings pattern. Unusual, petite, small, free. Which is how I like to describe myself.

Daytime only. Welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. We're going to start fresh. Are we at kind of a kooky first half? It was wild. It was a little what? We ranged all over. There was octopi.

There were centaurs. There was a lot of swearing. A lot of swearing. A lot of swearing. Which can continue. That's fine. Maybe there'll be more. Who knows of swearing. Which can continue. That's fine. Maybe there'll be more. Who knows?

Who knows? Who fucking knows? I did not see that coming. Did I get you? You got me. Oh, good. You got me. All right.

Well, let's get to our guest. Yes. We have found this post. We found it intriguing. Mm-hmm. And we wanted this person to come in and talk to us. Mm-hmm. Because it's, you know, this is a thing that happens. It can happen in the neighborhood.

It can happen. It can happen. And maybe let's just shine a light on it. Oh, sure. This is Adam. Adam writes, lovely neighbors stealing fruit. Oh, I can already tell that that's sarcastic. Lovely neighbors.

Lovely. See, I thought this one took me on a journey. Oh, it did. Okay. So the lovely neighbors, that sounds nice. Then immediately the word stealing. Right. Okay.

Sarcastic. Because, you know, I read words two at a time. I know this about you. Is that a pharmacist thing? You know, it might be. Okay. It might be. Okay. It might be. Lovely neighbors stealing fruit on Franklin Pierce Boulevard.

To our caring neighbors that came into our yard to fill their pockets with the fruit from our trees. Next time, just ring the doorbell and I'll give you a bag of oranges instead of stealing them from our trees. My kids look forward to watching their fruit grow and then picking it. I hope you really feel good about filling up your pockets with my kids' fruit. Good news is that it's all on camera, and I can't wait to see you walking the neighborhood again. You should be ashamed of yourself. Everyone should watch the video and thank these two lovely women when you see them walking the neighborhood north of Jimmy Carter Boulevard. Lovely again. Again with the word lovely.

Yes. So this person, Adam, seems very upset. Very upset. Let's check in with him now. Adam, welcome to the Neighborhood Listen lovely. Yes. So this person, Adam, seems very upset. Very upset. Let's check in with him now. Adam, welcome to the Neighborhood Listen. Hello. Oh, my. Adam, are you all right?

Well, I'm happy to see you two. Oh, that's nice. But I'm not happy for the circumstances and being here. No, certainly not. I'm sorry about your fruit trees being raided like this by these two women. I've gone into a depression. Oh, my. I'm very sorry to hear that.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Oh. Is that? Is that right? Yeah. Wow. And I'm a veteran. I mean, it says it in there. Oh, does it? Where?

Westwood South veteran. So you're a veteran of the Battle of Westwood South. Oh, where it says Adam, come. I thought that was just the area that you were from. Oh, I guess it could be, but I also am a veteran. Now, you're a veteran of which? What branch of the military did you serve? I was in the National Guard during the Dante's Peak fiasco. I went for the volcano and helped out that small town.

As depicted in the movie, Dante's Peak? Yeah, a documentary. I did not... Oh, wait a minute. There was also a documentary, Dante's Peak? Yeah, a documentary. I did not... Oh, wait a minute. There was also a documentary about Dante's Peak? I missed that. Yeah, with Pierce Brosnan,

Linda Hamilton. Oh, I think that was the film. I believe that was the film. I don't know. Have you seen my film I posted about the two ladies? Yes, we did watch. Oh, I see.

The video is a documentary. I suppose it is a documentary. I guess it is. It's a reality television. All security camera footage is a documentary. I suppose it is a documentary. All security camera footage is a documentary. Don't try to break this apart because I'm fragile as can be right now. I understand. I want to inquire as to how your kids are doing because you made it sound like that was really something they look forward to. Do they truly watch the fruit grow and then look forward to picking it? Yes.

I mean, this is one of the most important things in their life and then by definition, one of the most important things of my life because I love my kids so much. How old are your children? They're in their 30s, one of them, and one's in their 40s. But I'll tell you what, they can take an adult dose of opioids. I don't know what that

doctor's talking about. Yes. Well, we'll get into that some other time. So do they live with you still? Yeah, well, I mean, the whole generations we've been living in this house, I inherited this house from my mother, Chastity Slutsky. Oh, that's right. That is your last name.

Yeah. Oh, can I not use that? We don't usually do last names. It's such a good last name, though. But it is a good last name for someone named Chastity. Maybe we should change the first, his first name. Let's just leave it. Too late to do it. Let's see what happens. Okay, bye-bye. I'd like myself to come call

and spell it. Yeah, if you want to find Adam Slutsky in Dignity Falls, you're more than welcome to. Okay, so you all live in the same house? Your whole family? My mother has since passed. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's all right. She lived a long life, and we all watched fruit grow, and that's all we're into, really.

It really does. If that is the most exciting thing in your life, is that maybe just because you're very, I don't know, it sounds a little bit, well, devoid of much pleasure. Excuse me. I'm sorry. It's just that watching fruit grow, I mean, that takes time. That takes time. Well, so does watching paint dry, but we do that most weekends.

I see. And no one has stolen that. No one's stolen the paint off your walls. Not yet, but I've got some nest cams set up inside all rooms. Now, we don't try to do gotcha questions on this. But let me ask you, and I don't mean to be combative. But if they're taking the oranges, that means the fruit has grown. And so the kids, your 30- and 40-year-old children, did get to see that fruit grow. And they haven't taken all of the fruit off of the tree. It's the principle.

So they can still pick some. Because you do say, to be fair, Bertie does say one of the pleasures is also picking it. Watching the fruit grow and then picking it. So if there are still some to go pick, is it really about how many they get to pick or just that they get to pick some? Well, that's all of it. I mean, imagine you woke up on a Saturday morning to do your favorite hobby of all time, something that you live and breathe for, and that you only now get to do 90% of that. Hmm.

So for me, it's like I love nitro-burning funny cars. Yes, you do. Me too. Do you really? Oh, that's nice and common ground. I was the guy that had a nitro-burning funny car that I would drive around town. Oh, my God. Yeah, so now I'm just on a had a nitro-burning funny car that I would drive around town. Oh, my God. Yeah, so now I'm just on a bike.

Nitro-burning? It got, no, regular burning. It's me. I power it. But the funny car got to be a little too expensive for every day. So you miss it, right? I do miss it, yes. So you know what I'm talking about.

You know what, Adam? I do. Thank you. Oh, well, okay. That's nice. Joan, you love performing in the theater. But imagine if you do the whole play, you don't get to do the curtain call. Right.

Now I do a little theater, too. That hits home. Yeah. That really hits home. Okay. Well, okay. What was your—okay, so you were a vet, but what is your—are you a retired gentleman now?

I understand. I'm a retired veteran. How old are you? May I ask? I'm in my 60s. You're in your 60s. And you have children. So you were a young now? I'm a retired veteran. How old are you? May I ask? I'm in my 60s. You're in your 60s. And you have children? So you were a young father.

I was. I was 21 when I had my first kid. Wow. Wow. Goodness gracious. But I was an old soul. Always have been. So I was ready for it.

And we never looked back. We never looked back. Are you married? I was. I was. But there were some problems. What kind of problems, if I could ask? Well, I was too into my hobbies, for one.

Which are? Watching fruit grow. Right. We know about the fruit. What were the other, you said plural, what other hobbies did you have? Nitro-burning funny cars. Oh, my word. But that, I was more of just a spectator.

I never owned one, right? I couldn't afford it. I never worked. I was sitting around watching fruit grow. So you simply never held down a job, other than when you were in the military? I never owned one, right? I couldn't afford it. I never worked. I was sitting around watching fruit grow. So you simply never held down a job other than when you were in the military? Well, it's not like I couldn't hold one down. I just didn't. Oh, you just chose not to.

Oh, no. Could that be one of the reasons why she left? It is the reason. Okay. So did your wife— I'm trying to be delicate about it, but that's just what it is. That's what it is. She married an employed man.

She left me for an employed man. She left me for an employed man. Had she been supporting the family? Yeah. Okay, well, I mean, so can you understand why she left, or are you upset about this? I get it. I've never had a beef with her. I always said, let me do my thing, you do your thing, and if they don't mix, you know, you're free.

And my question is, if you had no job, how did you get the kids? Well, because they like watching fruit grow. And that held up in a court? They like it enough that not only did the court rule in your favor, but the kids wanted to stay well into adulthood. Well, you're assuming that, A, this happened in court,, and B, it didn't happen after they were adults. You're right. I didn't assume it was a long time ago. You're all right. Oh, we are right.

It was an assumption that I made, but it turned out to be correct. Yeah, yeah. And it was a vicious court battle. Was it? And the kids had to testify. Oh, dear. How old were they? Oh, Slutsky versus Slutsky.

How old were they? Oh, Slutsky versus Slutsky. Another documentary with Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep. No, no, that one. Uh-huh. That was. It was based on us. It was. It was.

70s? 70s. When was that documentary made? 80s, 1980s. The 70s. The 1987s. 1987s. In the 1987s? Yeah. Do? The 1987s. In the 1987s. In the 1987s?

Yeah. Do your children work? Well, gosh, that's a great question. And I've been asking them that, and they won't give me back an answer. But they are home at all times during the day. And they're not doing any work from home shit like, you know, like cash for houses or anything like that. Cash for houses? You know, those handwritten signs you see on telephone poles.

Now, let me ask you this, Adam. Have you, since posting this, have you encountered these two orange thieves in the neighborhood? No, but I've been having a stakeout every night, and I'll tell you what. First of all, they're taking oranges, which is one of the bigger fruits, right? It's a big fruit. And they're putting, as I say, filling their pockets with oranges. Were they actually literally filling their pockets? They were wearing gouchos.

You can't really fit that, okay, because you can't fit that many oranges in a regular pocket. You can if you're wearing tactical gear and gouchos. So these were two women wearing tactical gear. I mean, in the video, they just seem to be wearing just regular old clothes. You really do seem like they're wearing regular clothes. Are you watching the special edition?

Oh, this video's been remastered? Lucas got to it. Yeah. That's interesting. I wonder why he would feel the need to jump in here. Yeah, why do you think? Are we talking about George Lucas? Maybe it's a different Lucas. No, my son Lucas. Yeah, why do you think? Are we talking about George Lucas? Maybe it's a different Lucas.

No, my son Lucas. Oh, okay. I made the same connection, Bert. I did. I did, too. Yeah, they just seem to be wearing, one's wearing a hoodie, one's wearing a sort of puffer jacket.

A hoodie, right. The sign of trouble in a neighborhood. Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. I feel like we're getting into a very specific. Look, I'm not the one wearing it. Oh, God. You know, a hoodie means nothing, neither good nor bad. It's just an article of clothing.

That's right. It's rain gear. That means something. Is it rain gear? I don't know if I. I enjoy a hoodie just hanging around the house. If I were caught in the rain and I was wearing a hoodie, I probably would put the hood up. Fair enough, but you'll wear a hoodie even when it's not rain.

Doug wears a hoodie almost every single day. It's like your uniform, isn't it, honey? It sure is. I watched that woman take a handful of oranges and put it in the hood of her hoodie. And she towed it around like a little sack. Oh. Yeah. Now, see, if I were to do it, not to be bogey-sensitant, but if I did it, here's what I would do.

What? This is a hypothetical? It's a hypothetical. I promise you I won't do that. He's not going to do it. I can't take another incident. I would turn the hoodie around. Oh.

So I could put the... Stop giving him ideas. This is what I do. You do? That is what I do. Well, he'll do that when we watch a movie. He puts popcorn right in there. Like a video of a bulldog I once saw.

A little feedback. A documentary, you mean. It was a documentary on Instagram that I saw. I'm not convinced these aren't people in disguises that look just like neighborhood ladies, but they could be part of a bigger system, a cult. Uh-oh. Now, Adam, what kind of cult are you envisioning? What's the one where they have the orange color all the time? You mean prison?

From Wild Wild Country? Yeah, that's the one. From prison. I really don't think it's as nefarious as all that. I think that these are just two people who thought that they could just take some fruit because, look, we have an avocado tree in the front and I tell my neighbors all the time. Sometimes I've seen people pick them off in the front. And guess what? I can't eat that many avocados. If you can reach them.

Avocados, by the way, that's like you're letting people. That's very generous for you to let people have those. That is like having a money tree. A gold tree, yeah. It is. Or a gold tree. But I'm happy to share. There's about 300 avocados.

My God. If you can reach them, you can pick them. No. That's right. No. Why? Because what about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? What about him?

He gets more than everyone and he can take everything. Have you ever seen him on your street? No, but that's not the point. Well, I think it is the point, actually. I mean, he's not an immediate danger to your orange tree. What about a little person and they get none? What?

If you can reach it, you can have it. Well, I'm just saying it's not fair to the people who own the fruit. It's not fair to the people who own the fruit. It's not fair to the stature of the people taking the fruit. This is a problem. I don't know how to make you happy. I really don't. To be honest, he's unhappy that some people can't reach it, and he's unhappy that some people can.

But now, Adam, you've said, if they were to just ring the doorbell and say, can I have some oranges, you'd be happy to give them oranges. Is that true? Well, I have to admit, there was a little bit of spice in that, you know. So, because they definitely didn't do that, it's very easy for you to say. Look what you could have had, but you didn't. You didn't go for it. This could be us, but you playing.

What? What does that mean? It's from a documentary. Okay, and I've seen every documentary. This might be it. Maybe it's a new one coming out. Okay. So you're saying,

are you serious now? And this is where I do want to hold your feet to the fire on this one. Are you serious? If they had come to the door and rung the doorbell and said,

we noticed you have an orange tree. May we have some oranges? Here's what I would have said. I would have said, come back Saturday morning when we do our picking, when my kids are involved and you can be a part of that process like apple orchard picking when you go with your friends or your church group or whatever. Sure. But they didn't and they could have.

Now, in the interest of never having this happen again, I would be willing this one time to be able to back approve that. You mean to retroactively go back and say... Yeah, back approve it. Approve what? Them having a bag of oranges given to them if they promise never to

pick them again. Oh, so you're saying all is forgiven. Yes. You will consider it retroactively that they did ring the doorbell. You did give them the oranges. If they promise never to do it again. If they come

forward and ask me for oranges and this is not a trap. They absolutely must come forward. Is that what he's saying? But then he said this is absolutely not a trap. It makes me think. Oh, I didn't hear that. I think it is a trap. Oh, I think it is definitely. It's not a trap.

Adam, can I ask you honestly? Yeah. Is it a trap? It is a trap. And I'll tell you why. Because people have to pay for their sins. They have to think on their sins. Oh.

And they have to pay the piper. This is very dark. It's very dark. I don't, I guess I don't see it as a sin. How not? Look at, it's the original sin. That lady down in the garden picked an apple. Oh, but that was so very different.

How is that different? She picked, it's literally forbidden fruit. Do you know what? What? If I may, I'm no Reza Aslan, but let me say this. The sin was not the picking of the fruit. What? It was the eating of the fruit.

And also it's the wrong fruit. What? It was the eating of the fruit. And also it's the wrong fruit. You're literally comparing apples to oranges. I sure am. But imagine, I mean, all scientists will tell you, a vitamin C,

an orange is more nutritious for you than an apple. That's just a bunch of mealy pulp, right? Well, hopefully you get a mealy apple. Several apples are fantastic. Name one! Pink Lady. Get out of here. Jazz. Well, come on. Gala. These are all genetically engineered.

They didn't exist down in the garden. Honeycrisp. Green. No, stop! Okay, are you guys not taking this seriously? Because I asked you when you wanted me on here that you would become part of this movie. Yes, you are the only guest that is asked to be on. We didn't have to go out and find you. That is true.

And quite repeatedly, may I say. I received emails and texts, and then you came to my door. And then we didn't hear from a few other people, and so here you are. Yeah. And how would people like it if I went around the neighborhood not only just stealing their fruit, but, oh, I'll take your garden j jockey or I'll take a whole tree. I'll take your house. I'll take your life, you sons of bitches.

Oh, I don't see taking someone's house as the same thing as picking an orange. Also, at the end, that was a murder threat at the end. No, no, no, no. I'll take your life, you sons of bitches. I meant vitality. I'll rob you of your happiness. You joie de vivre like I myself have been robbed. Oh, I see.

I see. And I have. This is getting a little out of hand for my taste. Do you know who he reminds me of, Adam? I'm right here. Is you remind me of the tree from The Wizard of Oz that did not like having the apples picked. Oh, thank you. That is correct. And said, how would you like it if someone.

How would you like it if someone. Yeah. Why did he have to sound like that? I don't know. Because he's angry. He used to give me nightmares, honestly. And then he starts throwing his own apples at them. He does.

And so then he loses more apples. You know what? You are just like that tree, Adam. How dare you? I'm going to throw an orange at you. Oh, he's doing. He brought some. He brought oranges to throw.

Oh, stop that. These were going to be a gift after we had all arrived. Whoa, ow! I feel like you, this has been a setup. You just want to throw oranges at us. I don't want to have to do that. Oh my God. Adam, I'm going to have to ask you.

Man to man, please stop throwing oranges at both of our heads. Okay. They're very delicious though. I have to say. This one, I mean, this is succulent. It looks good. It looks very juicy. You didn't earn that.

You got to earn it. Well, Adam, I... Well, everybody, don't go pick oranges off of Adam's tree. It is better to ask. He and his adult-sized children are too obsessed with their culty tradition to be bothered by you. I can't tell you. Think of it as year-round trick-or-treat. Just come to the door, ring my doorbell,

I'll give you a bag of oranges. Do come in a costume, not dressed up like those ladies were. This is not a solution. It would be funny, though, if people started dressing like those ladies to ask for oranges. We'll bring the centaur to his house.

Oh, I'm listening. Well, Adam, we are not listening because it's time for you to go. But thank you very much for dropping by the neighborhood to listen, and good luck with your fruit tree. Thank you. Thank you. And I'll be down at the farmer's market weekly selling my wares. You sell the oranges there? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, there you go. You can get the oranges at the farmer's market, just not from his tree. I feel like that would have been a motivation that we could have understood better if he had just said, I sell these oranges. Oh, I never put that together. I couldn't agree more. Oh, well. Oh, man. There you go.

Now I'm really pissed. Alright, well, thank you so much. We'll be back with more on The Neighbor. Listen. Hi, this is Lauren W free, free use bricks, 350 use bricks stacked on curb PM for address breaks a clean. We're set in fan and don't need anymore. And I enclosed that picture.

There's the bricks. I put them next to a fire hydrant for scale. But um yep. Bricks. 350 clean bricks. Stacked on curb. And we're back

with our final segment of The Neighborhood Lesson. I finally cleaned up all the oranges. He threw so many. How did he bring so many? I didn't even see them. He must have been wearing

some sort of tactical clothing because I didn't see orange one before he started tossing them around. Nope. That might have been wearing some sort of tactical clothing because I didn't see orange one before he started tossing them around. Nope. That might have been our most bizarre guest. And we had Lady fall out of my tree. That's right.

That's true. She climbed up so high. She fell so long. She fell for a really long time. A very, a shockingly long time. And there was a woman who was stealing chickens. And that's, yes, that's right. We've had some characters.

It's true. It's an interesting neighborhood and we're lucky to live here. And that's, yes, that's right. We've had some characters. It's true. Woo! What have we ever. It's an interesting neighborhood and we're lucky to live here. And you know, it's great. It's eccentric. It's eclectic. I love it. How you feeling, Doug?

Doug? Doug? Doug? Are you there? Doug? Oh my God, you scared me. He fell asleep. Oh.

You thought he was dead. I did for a half second. And now I feel ashamed that I just kept saying his name instead of getting up and running to the laundry room. I must not have really thought he was dead. You never know what you never. This happens a lot. She shakes me awake and thinks I'm dead. Doug sleeps very deeply.

Very. And he really, he almost stops breathing when he sleeps. He sleeps so deeply. You know, my mother and father had separate bedrooms. And my mother would go to bed before my father, and he would pass by her bedroom and pause in the doorway to make sure that she was still breathing. Every night? Why was that? Not every night.

Every night my mother was aware of it, I suppose. Did he tell you this? No, my mother told me that. How did she know that that was the case if she was asleep? Well, no, because I believe sometimes she was awake. Oh, but he stopped in the doorway and she'd be awake. She would deduce, oh, he's pausing to make sure that I'm still breathing before he moves on to his bedroom. Interesting.

I guess that's kind of sweet. I guess so. They had a loveless marriage. Okay, we have time for one more post and this is from it says neighbor same guy same guy breaks off our gate and stomps plants that's the that's the headline uh-huh they continue some jerk breaks off the jerk breaks off the gate, breaks off the gate, and stomps the plants and takes measurements for what? This guy is a vandal and reminded me of the book of Mice and Men. Okay.

First of all, takes measurements of what? First of all, takes measurements of what? I don't know what they, the person does not say. And also does, does not say what they take measurements of and certainly does not know the purpose. And does not reveal how he's even aware measurements have been taken. No. Is he, is he watching someone do this or he's just coming home to stomped on plants? There is, there is a photo enclosed of some what looks like a... Let me see this. Yeah, it's not, the photo

is not conclusive. The photo is so far back from everything. I thought it was going to be a close-up and I can't see a stomped plant. Can you? Well, that whole yard looks like a mess. It looks like a mess. How would you know if anything was stomped on or not? A before and after would have been helpful. Indeed. It would

have absolutely been helpful. And how could you tell if something was, the measured part is really throwing me for a loop. It's very strange. And the guy breaks off the gate. Which sounds like something that can only happen once. Well, that's the thing. I think that they mean it just happens once. But, of course, they put in the present tense, which makes it sound like he does this again and again and again.

Do you know what I wonder? I wonder if this guy is sleepwalking. You know, we had this problem with Doug once. And we thought that it was raccoons because we would come downstairs. Because it usually is. And then they were coming through the dog door. Yes. And it turns out it was Doug going outside, him coming through the dog door. Because one time I found him halfway through the dog door. Yes. And it turns out it was Doug going outside, him coming through the dog door,

because one time I found him halfway through the dog door asleep because he didn't make it one night. Now. Because of his hoodie. His hoodie got caught. Just so people know, Doug is a regular-sized human being.

Yes. You have an unusually large dog door. We do, yes. Escrow's a big dog. And again, he's sort of like, he has trouble with confined spaces. So, you know, speaking of who doesn't like a tiny hole in construction, Eskro, my dog doesn't. I don't think we've ever talked about Eskro's breed, but Eskro's a mix.

Half Malamute and half Great Dane. Yes. And to be honest, it doesn't feel like half of either. It feels like full Great Dane, full Malamute. Like a centaur where it's 90% of both creatures. Correct. So he not only doesn't like confined spaces, but we had to make the door very huge. To be honest, it should just be a door-sized flap is what it should be.

You should... If you just made it a kitchen, if you just made your back door a kitchen door. Exactly. Where the escrow could just push on it. It's like we got a big freezer back there. So, which was what we almost did for the twins because they could eat. I mean, I used to have to go to the fair in the summertime, the state fair, and buy an entire cow and an entire pig. And we had a refrigerator, a big sort of like an ice chest. You had like a butcher's freezer?

Yes. You know what? A huge ice chest in the garage. Oh, an ice chest, sure. Yeah. And I would just get it all butchered up. And we'd eat the entire thing. I mean, they were like, they're animals.

They're true animals. How long would this last? You said an entire cow? Yeah. It just lasted the summer. A couple weeks. It just lasted the summer, honestly. I mean, truly.

I don't know how I kept up with it. This is a very disturbing story. So anyways, I think that perhaps this guy was maybe sleepwalking because we would come down in the morning until Doug got stuck in the door. And we would just think, well, who was in here? And then there was always, it looked like someone had punched a hole in a cereal box. And as you know, I have a hard time opening things. But at least I tried to open them from the top. This was like a, it literally looked like, I don't know how Doug did it, because it did look like something with claws just ripped it out.

But that's what he was doing. He was sneaking outside, sleepwalking through the dog door, and punching a hole in the Cheerios. Can I say, this isn't helpful, but the idea of punching a hole in a box of cereal sounds very satisfying to me. Doug, was it? Do you remember it?

Well, I was sleepwalking. I know, but were you dreaming of it? Who were you punching in your dream? Oh, that? I don't know. I mean, it could be anybody. I wanted the cereal more than the punch. Sure, sure.

This was the easiest way to get to the cereal. The satisfaction was the cereal, not the punching. It was more like a spy movie or something where they cut the glass circle. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. It was a very precision-sized circle. Right.

And then I fill my hoodie hood with the cereal. Right. And this is why it got stuck, because the one time he had the hoodie on the wrong way, the correct way, actually, and the hood was behind him, and it got stuck. Oh, sure. And then he just, all the fight went out of him, and he just laid down there. That's correct. Sure. Yep. And poor Escrow didn't get out that night and just, all the fight went out of him and he just laid down there. That's correct. Sure. Yep.

And poor escrow didn't get out that night and just shit all over the carpet. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. That sounds like a message being sent to you. It was a mess. That's for sure. There we go.

Well, this does make me hungry for cereal. Oh. I will say that. All right. Well, let's have some cereal after we sign off. Now, I'm afraid I did see in the cupboard when you were cleaning some of the orange mess off there that all you have is life cereal, which, of course, is square. So I will have to take a pass. But we have some cinnamon toast crud.

No, it's the same, Doug. It's the same. It's square. Jesus. I'll cut off the corners if you'd like. Long-time listeners will know that I cannot eat square food. Short-time listeners will. It comes up all the time.

Jesus. Joe, you sound very upset. Are we getting back now into the weird energy of the beginning? Maybe. Let's sign off. We've got to get out of here. We've got to get out of here. All right.

Well, that's it for this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Let's sign off. We gotta get out of here. We gotta get out of here. Alright, well that's it for this episode of the Neighborhood Listen. Again, we do have an email address for some reason. And that is... What is it again? Right to Burton Joan? Something like that? Oh, I don't know. Why would I start down this path? I don't know.

Alright, well, we will see you next time on the Neighborhood Listen. Until then... Goodbye. And bye.