The Neighborhood Listen - Quarantine and Corn with Gary Anthony Williams

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Burnt and Joan are finally in quarantine! Together but apart, they talk grocery shopping at the pharmacy, no toilet paper, and corn! Plus, Bryant (Gary Anthony Williams) calls in to ask: what’s the big deal with dog poop?See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is. All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets.

And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest is played by Gary Anthony Williams. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone.

You've got the NeighborHalf app and us. Vern. And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. Hello and welcome to The Neighborhood Listen.

I am one of your hosts, Burnt Mia Payday. And I'm the other host, Joan Pedestrian. And this is a look at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. And well, I mean, just like everyone else, we are on lockdown. If you notice, the sound is maybe a little different. It's because Joan and I are in separate locations. That's right. I mean, you're at home and I'm at home and I can see you. I can see your face.

I can see your face. Yes, we're doing video. It's called Zoom. What a fun name. It is a fun name. Do you think it comes from that the image and sound is zooming across the airwaves? I think so. I think it's like, we need to talk to you and we're going to zoom you all together. You know, I think it's a great word.

You don't think it's related to the Massachusetts Children's Show? Oh, I'm not familiar. Please explain. Zoom? You don't remember Zoom from when we were kids? It was a show. It would be on PBS.

And it was a bunch of kids in striped shirts. And that's all I can recall. But I do remember they had a P.O. box if you wanted to write to Zoom. And I don't know what happened then. I don't know if they read your postcard on the air. These are literally the things I remember about Zoom. This is a short Wikipedia page on Zoom. Exactly. Citation needed.

If you were writing it, there would not be a lot of information to garner from going to the Wikipedia page of Zoom. No, you would, you would, you would, you, the idea was at the end, you would write to Zoom, something, something, Boston, Mass, and then the zip code, You would write to Zoom, something, something, Boston, Mass, and then the zip code, they would sing like this, 02134. I don't know why, but this is making me remember Reading Rainbow. Remember that show? Sure, LeVar Burton. LeVar Burton.

But if you ever watched it, they had kids who would discuss a book. But they always seemed as if they'd been, I don't know, sedated a little bit, I swear. They'd be like, hi, my name's John. This is the book. It has pages by this author. It has illustrations by this name. And they would just say it like that a lot, and at the end, there was a little song that went, da-da-da, always, right after it.

To give it a little pizzazz. Yeah, exactly. Because the children themselves were lacking, sorely lacking in pizzazz. I thought it was funny that the kids were sort of forced to sort of like endorse a book like a car salesman going, come on down, we have prices. It is great. Check out our trucks. And it just seems strange that they pimped out kids

to sort of like, you know, I don't know, plug a book. Well, kids hate reading. I mean, do your children like reading? Julybee uh the twins matt and tran you know i the boys loved pop-up books i'm so sorry by the way into their teens into their teens they did and i was like they were disappointed that when they were given you know great expectations they're well, did they have a great up? They have a pop up version of great expectations.

I was like, no, they don't. Can you imagine what would that be? Miss Havisham pops out behind a curtain? I don't know. Oh, I'd like to see that. I'd like to see her sitting there in front of the moldy wedding cake. Yeah, yeah. Certainly the fire when she catches on fire.

Indeed. The boy. First of all, forgive me. I do have a sinus infection that just will not go away. And you were suggested some antibiotics for me, and I'm on them right now, and I can't drink. And it's very upsetting because it's a very stressful time. But I just sound a little funk. I don't have like my normal pingy resonance, I don't think.

So it makes me self-conscious, Bern. Part of it is also, I think you sound fine. I think part of it is that you're on a, I can see that you're on a gaming headset. I am. I'm on Doug's gaming headset for Fortnite. Oh, we should say hi to Doug. You know, for the first time, Doug being in a different room is really helpful. It's very responsible as opposed to an inconvenience.

And you know what's crazy is we have a quarantine room. And that's where he is. Really? That you've always had? Look, Tran came back. And you know what's crazy is we have a quarantine room. And that's where he is. Really? Yeah. That you've always had? Look, Tran came back from Costa Rica once with a crazy stomach bug that we were told could just run through our house like crazy unless we quarantined him. So we put a Kleenex box and an Xbox, just two boxes in the room. And that's all he had for two weeks.

The two boxes. I call my box set. Hi, babe. How you doing in the quarantine room? I'm doing good. I feel safe. I feel like I'm protecting you with me being in here. Right.

Well, I was grateful because we actually have, the boys are coming home tomorrow because they're shutting down school and they won't get to graduate, although I'm not sure they were going to anyway. So maybe it's a good thing, but they're all going to be here. And I'm just afraid of, you know, if I don't get this virus, I'm going to die of farts.

Now, when you say they weren't going to graduate anyway, did they get into some trouble? They just, well, I mean, if by trouble you mean, they just were not going to class. And we just recently discovered this. That's a big component of school. It's a big one. It's a big one. You know, there's all these sort of like businesses now where it's like you don't have to go to the class and you go online and someone goes and takes notes for you. And so they were trying to make money doing that.

But in order to also take notes and sell them, you also have to go to class and they didn't do that. So they really failed twice. They failed twice. I don't know. I don't know. I know. I know.

Well, they're going to be here and I'm going to homeschool them. And luckily now it's, you know, people aren't, aren't going to be here and I'm going to homeschool them. And luckily, now, people aren't supposed to return to their families because, I mean, you and Doug are not elderly, so you're in the clear. Excuse me? No, I am not.

No, I said you're not. I know, I just... What was that, babe? He said we're not elderly. Doug was weirdly standing up for me. You know, maybe this will be a nice time for you two to work out some of your issues. I don't think that we really have any

issues. Anyway, have you ever seen my face before, Bernt? I'm trying to remember. Well, I can't see it right now because I have a post-it note over on my screen over where your block is appearing, so I still can't quite, I have no post-it note over on my screen over where your block is appearing. So I still can't quite, I have no idea what you look like.

This is wild. It is wild that you don't know what my husband looks like. This is crazy. We have a show together, Bernie. It's very, I've been in your house. It's crazy how many times I've been in your home and I have no idea what your husband looks like. You've missed all of the different pictures of my whole family on the beach that I have all over the house. I don't like to cry.

He knew my balding neck line. He knew it. That is true. Doug coming through with the cannon. I did know certain things about how your balding was proceeding from the back to the front. Anyway, that's either here or there. Here's the important thing.

All of Dignity Falls, like the rest of the country, even the world, is on lockdown. And so we're recording. But the show must go on, as Joan would say. And I do love to say that. You do love to say that. You do love to say that. Sometimes you put it in where it doesn't even belong, but it's still comforting. Right. Like, you know, when basically I was out of wine the other night and I didn't know how I would have a fun night.

And so then I just I broke out. Well, I basically broke out the cough syrup and I said the show must go on. And now I wish I hadn't done that because cough syrup is I said the show must go on. And now I wish I hadn't downed that because cough syrup is probably a good thing to have right now. And I don't have it. But it was a good night. And Doug would agree. Doug, is that true?

That cough syrup would be nice to have? No. Let's skip it. I need to know, Bert, do you have enough food? Because I know you have so many restrictions and i want to make sure that you're okay well uh you know i it's tough because i'm still going to work at the pharmacy of course because this show must go on and uh i've been doing my my shopping there uh my grocery shopping there.

At the pharmacy? At the pharmacy. I mean, we do sell some foodstuffs. Not everything that you need. Definitely not. Definitely not. But what I've been eating, but I also wanted to be responsible. I didn't want to take food away from other people who needed it, you know, because people are hoarding things.

Oh, sure. So what I did was I've been eating energy bars and circus peanuts. Oh, sure. So, so what I did was, uh, I've been eating, uh, energy bars and circus peanuts. How did you have so many circus peanuts? No one wants them. And with good reason, they're terrible. Uh, and, uh, I've been subsisting on, on energy bars and circus peanuts and the energy bars I treat as dinner and the circus peanuts I treat as breakfast and lunch. Wow. That's sad, Bert. I don't know that you're getting enough nutrition. You know what I'm going to send your way? What's that? Well, you know, I decided to just stick with them because they were so delicious. But back in the day, I really love these lactation cookies that I would eat. And guess what? No one wants them. You go on Amazon right now, you can buy

them all up and they have protein and they have fiber and they have flax in them. I'm just going to, I'll send you some, I'll just put some outside your door. I mean, those sound terrific. Uh, is there, is there a danger that I'll start leaking? No, no, no. That's silly bird. How would you start leak? I mean, I, I don't know. I've never given them to a man. Well, there you go. So it is not a completely invalid concern. Look, I guess not. You know what? Anything can happen. These days, I'm just going to say that. Anything can happen. Anything can happen. Who knows what's going to happen?

knows what's going to happen yeah the upshot is my skin is turning a strange color and i'm not i i'm not showing any symptoms of uh of uh covet 19 but i am um i am getting a little uh like like lime green like the color of the the circus penis look like a peapod okay because see i i i can see you and i i couldn't tell if that was my screen or if it was actually your no that's me that's me oh that's concerning all right well i'm just gonna we'll just keep an eye on you and I couldn't tell if that was my screen or if it was actually your. No, that's me. That's me. Oh, that's concerning. All right. Well, I'm just going to keep an eye on you. And if it changes, I'll let you know because I got my eye on you, Bert. Well, I want to make sure you're OK. I appreciate that, Joan. It means a lot to me. Friendship is something that's very important in these troubled times. We're all feeling it. And it's a very scary time.

And that brings us to a post. Of course, we collect posts from the NeighborHap social networking app from around Dignity Falls to let you know a little bit about our neighborhood. And just like everywhere else, we are feeling the COVID-19 panic.

And here is a post I found. This is from Shirley. Shirley writes, her headline is, Toilet Paper. Oh boy. And she writes, Are you astonished? There is no TP to be found anywhere. In all of

Dignity Falls, there is no toilet paper. None at Target, Costco, CBS and even Home Depot. I shopped all day and amazed all the TP in the city is gone. Here in the United States, there is no toilet paper to be found. Amazon is out of stock. I feel for those households who actually have none in the home and need a roll. Shirley continues. On another note, there is no rice on the shelves. My dog is 17 and on a renal diet. I hope in a week there will be some normalcy.

Good Lord. What is a renal diet? I'm not familiar. It's to do with kidneys. I do know that. I suppose this dog has kidney problems. I just wonder what that means you have to eat or can eat or can't eat. Well, I don't know.

My kidneys, I've been told my kidneys are extremely highly functioning. Really? Is that a test that you can do? I don't know that it's a test, but I was told that by a doctor. Have you been told this by a doctor? Okay, just not by a doctor. My doctor told me your kidneys, and this is a quote, he said, your kidneys are beautiful. Wow.

Yeah. Well, congrats, Bert. That's nice. Well, thank you. Yeah. I've never had a kidney problem. But Shirley is right. There is no – of course, I work at the CVS.

There is no toilet paper there. People started raiding the shelves. This must have been insane for you working at a pharmacy. Good gracious. Now, are you still going in? I have to. I have to. You're an essential business.

I'm an essential business. I'm an essential business. I'm an essential employee. And what's happening with the CVS is that, of course, we're doing the thing where we let the seniors shop, you know, just between a certain hour. It's all seniors. Right. And so they come in. And then what's happened is you'll see like people in their 30s and 40s standing outside asking the seniors to buy them toilet paper. Well, as if they're as if they're underage and wanting liquor outside.

Exactly. It's astonishing to see. This is wild. You know, I just don't understand. Doug wanted this for the longest time for his birthday a couple years ago. I got him one of those fancy Japanese toilets that basically does everything but curls your hair. I'm working on that. What's that, Doug? You're working on that?

Yeah, I think that's the final piece of the puzzle. You're trying to modify the toilet so that it will eventually curl your hair. Yes, because Joan keeps saying this, and i take it as a challenge oh well it's just kind of an expression i didn't know that you were actually working on it babe but uh i can't wait to see what what that means but but listen to me you really don't need much toilet paper if you use this thing i mean it is i don't want to get to grab i mean it's it's real thorough it's real thorough and you know for the longest time we tried to do it the boys tried to do it because they heard all about it but day and they were just running the garden hose through to the back bathroom under the seat and just would crank it up.

And and it didn't work as well. But that was one of the twins be operating the. Correct. And it's almost like a cartoon, you know, how when the water lifts up an animal and it goes up and down very tight. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's some amazing pressure on that garden hose. Well, I mean, yeah, it's true. We have very good water pressure here at this house. You felt it before.

You've commented on it. Well, I have. And especially for Dignity Falls, which is known for its tremendous water pressure. You know, we're a town of extremely hard water, and the pressure is not to be believed. It's powered by the falls, the Dignity Falls. The falls themselves. Anyways, this is what people need to start doing. I think they should make a run on, well, you could also

get an attachment. You can get like a bidet attachment to your toilet. You don't have to get a fancy toilet installed. But I think that would really bring it down. Because listen, I had two boys. I have a husband. It really saved my life. You know, it's a bummer that everyone's making a run on

toilet paper because eventually they're going to run out and get your garden hose, people. I think that's the answer. I think that saying a toilet saved my life is a beautiful sentiment. Now, as to Shirley's issue with the dog who's on a renal diet, I hope this isn't an obvious insulting thing to say, but there's such a thing as dog food, right?

There is. There is. You know, I mean, here's the thing. It depends on it's tough because her dog has a health issue. But in the end, a dog is going to eat pretty much anything if you're running out of specifically dog food. But dry food, I think dry food is still available. I'm not sure. Right. And they make food specifically for dogs and there's many varieties.

So I would imagine you don't have to cook rice for your dog every night. I feel like you know that I make rice for escrow. I feel like that's what this is about. I feed my dog real human food and we're probably going to have to switch to dry food, too, for him. And he's not going to like it. And we all have to make sacrifices, including our dogs. But you're right. There is dry dog food. It's probably available.

You just said that some dry foods aren't so good for dogs anymore. But, I mean, all that goes out the window now. They get dry dog food. We might be eating it soon. Sure. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, it's true. It's very true. There's still dog food on the shelves at CVS. And I check the stocks

every day just to, I look at them, I look at the shelves of dog food. Yeah, every day just like, okay, there's still some dog food there. No, I'm not going in the stock market and checking dog food futures. All right. We should, we should take a break. And we do have a guest who's joining us remotely and we will, we're trying to make this work,

folks. We're trying to make this work. It's all new. It's all, it's a brand new, it's a brand new world. Don't you dare shut your eyes because someone may be climbing in your window to steal your toilet paper. Oh, yikes, yikes.

Well, we're almost at the purge, I think. Okay, we are going to take a break. When we return, more with a Neighborhood Listen. Hi, this is Helen. Avocados. Does anyone have an avocado tree? It's just me, but I would like to buy a couple every now and then. Also, while I'm at it, does anyone want to hang out?

It's just me. So, I wouldn't mind, like, we could just take a walk or you could call me. I'll just post my number. But I guess I just want the avocado tree just to have something living near me. So that would also work if someone else just wants to come. Even if you just come sit with me, that would be really great. I don't even really like avocados. I just wanted to have a reason to look out the window in the morning.

Thank you. And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. Well, Joan, it's time. We have our guest on the line here. Yes. Hello, am I on the line? Am I on the line? Am I on the line? Oh, yes. Yes. We're going to just give us one second. We're going to introduce you.

That's fine. As long as I'm on the line. You are on the line. Are you hearing us? Yeah, I hear. Let me hear you again. Hello. I'm not. I heard you. Okay. And this is me. I'm Joan. I heard you. I heard you individually. I don't know if I heard you. OK, and this is me. I'm Joan. I heard you. I heard you individually. I don't know if I heard you together, but I heard you individually. That's that's good. OK, yes, it's good. It's good that you heard us individually. If you're hearing us together, that's probably not the best because it's confusing.

It's called. Anyway, let's let's let we'll read your post and then we'll introduce you. This is a post from Bryant. Bryant, his headline is dog poop. And then the body of the message is, I don't understand why this is a big deal. End of post. And here now to discuss this, perhaps shed some light on this issue. And this is interesting because this post was made yesterday.

So in the midst of everything going on, this is what is concerning Bryant at the moment. Yes. And well, and we're going to find out what exactly he means by the concern he has and what concern he thinks other people have. So welcome to the line, Bryant. Bryant, welcome to Neighborhood Listen. Oh, it's not only a joy to be with you, it's also a pleasure. It's a joy as well as a pleasure. Well, Bryant, thank you so much. And we're thrilled that you went to the trouble of getting a home recording set up. You know, we're all doing the best we can. Joan has her gamer headphones. And I, of course, have a

professional recording set up. You had everything. I like to listen to books on tape, but I don't like a lot of the people that read them. So what I do is I record the books myself and then I listen back to them. I at one point used to have a flip book on tape. And it made a lovely sound. I listened to it to go to sleep with. Oh, well, you would love birds

because they are fabulous. He did all of Suzanne Somers' biographies and I loved them. All of them. I did every Suzanne Somers biography. He did all of them and I really loved it. He's got a great voice to listen to. You literally cannot swing a bottle of water

in my house without hitting a Suzanne Summers book. I have, they are lying in the shelves. They are strategically placed on the floor. And I have two of them, two of them on my ottoman, two of them.

When you say they're strategically placed on the floor, do you mean you've created a sort of ancient Rome set up where you can lounge on them? the floor. Do you mean you've created a sort of ancient Rome set up where you can lounge on them? I don't know if you've ever seen a view from space of the wonderful placements of the pyramids.

Hmm. Have you? I haven't. No, I'm sorry. Oh, me neither. Me neither. Okay. Me neither. Oh. But it does sound like a lovely idea, I guess, is what you're saying. Yeah, it does. I think after this, we should all look that up because I bet it looks very impressive. It's got to be something.

I mean, you wouldn't have me just sitting around willy nilly. It's got to be something. It's got to be something. It's got to be something. So, Bryant, let me ask you. Dog poop. I don't know why this is such a big deal. What does that mean? First of all, I hate to do this, but my name looks like Bryant, but it's Bryant.

Bryant. Oh, I know. That's okay. My mother's name was Bree. My father's name was Anthony. And they just combined it because when I was born, they refused to look down and see what sex I was. So just in case they named me something that could go either female or male. And when you were born, was anyone else present that would have been able to inform them of that? Or did they, how did they manage to not find out? They kind of asked the doctor to not tell them.

And then for the first eight years of my life, nobody looked when they changed my diaper or when I was able to be potty trained. They just didn't look. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. It didn't matter to them. They was hippies of a sort.

It just didn't matter. Sex didn't matter to them. That's kind of sweet. Mm-hmm. Okay. So. So that's all squared away. That's kind of sweet. Okay. That's all squared away. That's squared away. We've got that established.

Yes. Dog poop. You've been around Dignity Falls. Yes. It's known for the subtle beauty. It's known for the green, green grasses, the high water pressure. The high water pressure high water pressure yes

the waving of the trees yes very well known for that oh thank god for saying that i was taking a walk the other day and two people stepped stepped up to me as i was walking my dogs i have i have a a bull mastiff mixed mixed with what i perceive to be a real bull he is huge oh oh and then i have a bull mastiff mixed with what I perceive to be a real bull. He is huge. Oh, oh, oh. And then I have a I don't know if you've ever seen a miniature Dalmatian. It's like a regular Dalmatian. I've never even heard of this.

That sounds adorable. A mini-Dal. They call it a mini-Dal. A mini-Dal. What's his name? Peter. Peter? Peter? Peter. P-E-T-A-dale. A mini-dale. What's his name? Peter. Peter? Peter? Peter. P-E-T-A-H.

Peter. Peter. Uh-huh. Like the bread. I don't know. I don't. I can't eat bread. I can't eat bread.

You can't eat bread. You can't eat bread at all. I literally. When I say can't, I mean I refuse to. Because of a gluten allergy or something else? No. It probably would do me good. What is it about bread you don't like?

I've never tasted this stuff. You've never tasted bread? You just decided you weren't going to eat it. Yeah. Okay. Here I am walking my dogs. I'm walking Peter and the other one. Whose name is?

No name. No name. No name. You just decided this dog does not need a name. Not a necessity. Not a necessity. And my and the other one, he lets and I don't want to use graphic

terms, but he let a poop. Okay. And two women came up to me and said, excuse me, sir. I hope they maintained a six foot distance rule. Oh, of course. Of course. Also, I carry a sticking pole and I'll stick in it. They get within that six foot distance.

Desperate measures. Yeah. Desperate times calls for desperate sticking poles and the lady said sir are you going to clean up that dog poop need I say more I think you do you actually need say more

the beautiful grass of Dignity Falls the waving trees the high water pressure. Nature takes care of nature. What I didn't tell y'all was that I'm a scientist. I'm a scientist. You did not mention that.

You didn't. Fabulous. Self-taught and homeschooled science. Oh, okay. I taught myself at home. There is no need to pick up dog poop or any other animal species except for cats. And why is that? It returns to nature.

No, but why don't you need to pick up cats? Why are cats exempted? Yes. Right. Oh, have you ever seen a cat? Oh, many of them. Okay. Okay.

Well, I guess I can't make that argument. Okay. Okay. Well, I guess I can't make that argument. Just out of curiosity, what was that argument going to be? I would love to know. Well, I figured y'all didn't really know what a cat was like, and therefore you didn't know what a species was like. But since you do know, I can't make that argument. True. I mean, they're pretty common. I can't speak for Joan, but I

imagine we've both seen several cats. Yes, and actually they're the one animal that actually has it contained in a litter box. It's contained and so it's interesting that you'd say that doesn't Oh, you didn't know. This is all a new reformation. That's very interesting.

I feel as surprised as my daddy did when he finally looked down and figured out I was a boy. And now what's that? I was nine years old. It was right after my eighth birthday. And then a year after that, I was nine years old. So your ninth birthday then? So your ninth birthday, then. Well, it goes without saying, this is another crazy thing in my family. We refuse

to count over eight because people say count on your fingers. How many fingers do you got? You got eight and you got two opposable thumbs. Oh, I see. Oh, you're counting. Right. We use eight as a base of our counting. So I was eight plus one, which is nine. I see. I see. But right. We use eight as a base of our counting. So I was eight plus one year, which is nine. I don't know.

So how many. So how old are you right now in your terms? Take take 50. OK. Divided by eight. Where does that leave you? Don't know if I can do that off the top of my head. No, I don't know either. That's six. That's six. That's six. Fifty divided by eight is six. That means forty eight. I'm forty eight plus two. Well, happy birthday. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Happy belated. Regardless, I feel like I did get off the subject with you. But the whole point is dog food will return to nature. Dog poop returns to nature. Wait, you said dog food first. Yes. OK, how does dog poop return to nature in your mind?

Given your scientific background, just explain what you mean. Well, of course, all dogs are on some type of a renal diet and that's rice. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is true. All dogs are on some sort of renal diet. I have a tendency to not look outside my own home. Now, my dogs, my dogs are on an arena diet. In if they're only eating rice, rice returns to nature, grows more rice. What I was trying to do for Dignity Falls is create rice paddies by my two dogs, Peter and the other one, walking around pooping willy nilly and freely. Okay. So just to work clear, what you're saying is you believe that the the if the if you feed the dogs rice. Yes. And then they excrete their waste. Right.

Which has presumably contains rice. All right. They own a total rice diet, long grain rice, basmati rice, the other one. Right. So you're saying that this will lead to rice paddies growing where the dogs have left their waste. We have a very high water pressure and dignity falls. No, that's very true. We do. Escapes into the ground. But now, have you...

Sorry, go ahead, Joan. Well, I'm sorry, because you know, one of my least favorite things is dog poop on cement. It happens all the time, whether it's maybe not a patch of grass or whatever. How in the world does that return to nature? That is a huge problem, especially when you're walking you might not see it there's no way for it it just it just it just you just there you literally you literally did what i call answered your own question and i may be the first one to ever say that if you walked on a sidewalk and you step in that dog poop okay you're going to track it to a green area. You have to.

It's dignity falls. Everything is green and dignity falls. You have to. It's dignity falls. You're going to take that to a green area. The high water pressure. It's going to get water. You're going to create your own rice paddies.

Do you realize before the introduction of dogs in Japan, there was no rice. There was no rice. The introduction of dogs? I don't know that that's, I mean. Well, the way you put it now. I don't know that that's i mean well the way you put it i don't know that they were introduced you know like y'all actually make me i'm not sure that's how it worked yeah you're actually making me doubt myself now let me let me ask you this brianne uh you're you're so your theory when did you begin when did you formulate this theory because you it must have been recently because you

clearly have seen no evidence that this has worked I haven't seen a single rice paddy pop I don't think anyone has in the whole neighborhood definitely not but if I'm anything and you probably know this about me Joan

by the timbre of my voice if I'm anything I'm a hopeful man that's lovely You probably know this about me, Joan, by the timbre of my voice. If I'm anything, I'm a hopeful man. Yeah, that's lovely. That is true. So you hope that it will happen. You hope that this hypothesis will be true, that somehow rice paddies will spring up everywhere. Scientifically, scientifically. Let me just ask you this. What would your opposition be to just picking up after your dog if your fellow

neighbor would prefer it because it really does cause before it becomes rice for however long that takes it causes a real mess and yes if you step in it it carries it someplace else but if you step in it that's very upsetting people don't like that uh and and since one of the things to be fair to be fair to be fair, Joan, sorry, because we don't know who's listening. There's probably someone that likes that. But that's not the point. That is definitely not the point. But now all I'm thinking

about is who likes that and what is wrong with them? Well, I mean, you know, people, everyone likes something that's simply unpleasant. I know. It takes all kinds, but good Lord. Joan, what does it say in the Bible? One man's trash is another man's treasure. One man's poop is another man's pleasure. That's in the Bible. Which verse is that? What's that? Is that in the Old Testament?

Reminisce. I think it's reminiscent five. And to be fair, once again, I have never seen the Bible to be fair. And to be fair, once again, I have never seen a Bible. To be fair. You've never seen a Bible? I mean, come on. You are a man with an imagination. I'll give you that, sir.

Because it seems as if you've come up with a lot of theories and a lot of ideas without any actual true knowledge of anything. I am self-taught as well as homeschooled. Oh, well. True, but I don't think that saying you're self-taught, it grants you any special authority in any of these matters. Are we making you doubt yourself again? You're making me rethink everything I stand for. I'm sorry about that. That was not the intention when you came on here. We were just trying to get to the bottom of why you didn't think dog poop was such a big deal.

But you know what it really is? It really drives people crazy. Have you come across a lawn that says, you know, curb your dog? Yes, yes. You have, right. So then do you at least do you know what that means? Yes. I'm sorry. There's a lot of no and yeses. Do you know what that phrase means? One hundred percent. What does it mean? Do not allow your dog to poop in my area. Oh, right. Now, do I abide by it? Do I abide by it?

That is the question. The answer is no. Okay. So even if you see like a lawn that has one of those little silhouettes of a dog doing its business. Oh, by the way, if I read, by the way, I want to call you burnt. That's my name. Okay. Then it's a pleasure to call you by it if i read curb your

dog then i i don't take that to mean curb my dog i think that means curb your dog or else it or else it would say brianna i see unless it's your specific name then it's not you it doesn't apply to you it's telling you to curb your dog i but but but okay so but when you're looking at the sign are you imagining you are the person who put the sign there huh he i think he just means that unless it says curb your dog briant right no? No, I understand that part. But he's reading it. When he's reading it, he's saying, it doesn't mean curb my dog. It means curb your dog. Curb your dog, because I'm reading it. I'm reading it. Curb your dog.

You know, it's interesting. It says here on the neighbor app, you joined when did the neighbor app start? What was it? Five years ago? You joined, when did the neighbor have start? Oh, wow. What was it? Five years ago? Five years ago.

You joined about five, yeah, that's right. If I'm looking at the date right, five years ago. This is the only post you have ever put up. Just this one. This is literally the first time in my whole life I've been bothered by anything. Wow. I've never been bothered by anything before. What's so funny though, is that it

sounds like your behavior is probably bothering so many people. And I, I just, I wonder if maybe you just tried, if you just tried picking up after dog once you might not need to use that stick so much, you might not have people come running up to you as much. And you won't have to, you won't have to poke them with your stick. And I, I do think that maybe, especially in these times where everyone is going to be out and about, this is probably going to become a real big issue. You say, hold on,

I'm writing this down. You slow down. I'm writing it down. All right. Yep. Big issue. You don't need to write that. You're using,

using that as a giant pencil. Oh yeah. It is like from a carnival. Yes. My, my grandfather was a carnival man, and he left me all his writing implements. It's taking you both hands to write with it. Yeah. Wow.

Big. What are you, Breon, I just want to ask, what are you writing on? Oh, what, papyrus? You have papyrus, you're writing like on a scroll? Yeah, like a Papyrus? You have papyrus you're writing, writing like on a scroll. Yeah, like a pepper. Yeah. The woven. It looks like a corn husk. Yeah, that's what it is akin to. OK, I'm sorry. You seem to be more interested in what I'm writing on than the knowledge.

One hundred percent, because that pencil makes you look like a, a, a tiny, tiny person. I have everything in my house scaled large to make myself look small. That makes sense. Now when I'm seeing the background of your home, that makes sense. Now we've never said this to him. Yes. But I have to say you've got a lot going on. I am rich with activity.

And you know what? I do appreciate your positive attitude. It's refreshing right now. And I actually wanted to ask you, do you know why we're in quarantine, Brian? Do you know why we're in quarantine? Whyon? Do you know why we're in quarantine? Why we're having to stay home and why you're having to use a stick?

I have several opinions. Okay, but do you know the specific reason why? What's causing it? I can figure it out. Oh, but you don't have to figure it out. The coronavirus, you've heard of that,

right? If y'all would give me 28 minutes, I could figure it out. OK, I don't know how that how you would figure it out. But we we do. We don't unfortunately have 28 minutes. We do have to let you go, Brian. OK, thank you for being with us. Just a quick, quick last question. You it seems like you've had quite a few revelations as we've had this discussion.

I have learned a lot. Is there anything that you're going to do differently going forward vis-a-vis the dog waste? I really want to say yes. I cannot at this time bring myself to do so. But what I am willing to do is take back half of the rice that I bought from the store because I bought it all out. I bought all the rice out. OK, so that will be you're the one you're the one because all this talk of rice and there is a shortage right now. And you seem to have bought it all without clearly knowing what's actually going on. So I do think it's fair that you bring some back. Oh, 100%.

100%. Oh, good. And what I will promise all of y'all is to love my neighbors more. Well, that's nice. Okay. That's not bad. And a great way to do it would be to pick up after Pina and the other one. And the other one.

Because I'm sure the other ones, excretions are massive. Once again, part bull massive. And what I really do perceive to be part bull. You did say that. I really do perceive it to be that. I don't know that it's scientifically possible, but I'm no scientist, not even a homeschooled one. I'm just a pharmacist. Well, that makes one of us ears

and the other one has a wonderful show. Oh, well, now that's fine. Thank you so much for being on it. Yes. Thank you, Briant. And hey, good luck out there. Oh, good luck out where? Okay. We have to take a break and we will return with the rest of The Neighborhood Listener. Large cardboard tube for free. This big, tough cardboard tube is free. It wasn't cheap to buy, but I don't need it anymore.

It's 84 inches tall by 53 inches diameter. If you think you're tough enough to take on this cardboard tube, it is large and it is free. I don't need it. I did, but now I don't need it. I did, but now I don't. And I want to reiterate, it wasn't cheap to buy, so imagine the deal you are getting for free. I could have put a large, expensive cardboard tube in there,

but I didn't. Because that's not the lead, so don't accuse me of burying it. It's a large cardboard tube. Here's a picture. As you can see, it's tube-shaped, and in case you can't tell the material, it's cardboard.

Large. Cardboard. Tubular. Expensive, but free. I have run out of things to say about this free, large cardboard tube. God bless. Would you like to welcome us back? Oh, are we already?

Doug, are we recording? Yes, we are. Okay. Doug, did we ever replace the lights in there? Are you in the dark? Yes, actually, now that you've pointed that out. Now that you've pointed it out, you just realized you're in the dark?

Now that you've pointed it out. I realized that that was funny when he just said. Now that you mentioned it, yes, it is pitch black. It is. Did that you mentioned it. I realized that that was funny what he just said. Now that you mentioned it, yes, it is pitch black. It is. Well, sometimes he likes to close

his eyes when he's recording. I wasn't sure whether I was closing my eyes or not. It helps him just get a good feel for the sound. I'm sorry, Doug, did you say you didn't know whether you were closing your eyes or not? Is that what you just said? Yeah, I mean, it's indistinguishable the experience between being in a pitch black room and closing my eyes i've been in here i've been in here a long time sure at some point oh maybe i have just

closed my eyes for an hour in fact we're gonna have to be careful when you come out we're gonna have to make sure that like we close the drapes, we're going to have to be careful. When you come out, we're going to have to make sure that we close the drapes because it's going to be really bright. It's going to be very jarring for you when you come out. Please, slowly. A movie matinee. That's right. Remember movie matinees? Remember movies? Remember everything?

Well, movie theaters. You know, it's all the things that aren't going to be around anymore. Oh, well, not anymore. Oh, my goodness. I hope that that comes back. I hope so, too. I just don't see how it's going to. Okay, we do have time for one. Yes, I did. My face is

agape, burnt. You've got to be more positive. I was actually going to ask you for just a quick tip because I don't know if anyone else has had an issue, but I have really had a hard time with my hands because, well, because of washing them so often. And I'll tell you, they look like a 75 year old farmer.

That's I have their crack, their bleeding, you know, and I'm doing my good diligent diligent 20 second a song i do longer than by dan fogelberg because it's my favorite right doug and i danced to it at our wedding and uh and i'm telling you what like a i need a different song and b i need to know is there something moisturizing i can put on my hand should i do vaseline what should i do should i do well okay as far as as far as the song goes I do, if you want to switch things up, is I do 15 bottles of beer on the wall. That times out perfectly

to 20 seconds. Isn't that interesting, even though it's 15 bottles? Yes, exactly. Because you get into the take one down, pass it around, and then you have to name the remaining bottles, and so that takes up a few seconds in itself. But you start at 15. You start at 15 and work

your way down. Start at 15 and work your way down. That's interesting. Secondly, of course, as we've said, the high water pressure in Dignity Falls is wreaking havoc on people's hands because we are washing them a lot. So I would say that what kind of soap do you

use? Because that might... You're not using. Don't worry. I'm not using Mrs. Myers. I banished that from the house, all different products. I didn't,

I don't really. And look, I guess, guess what? That's going to be all there is left to buy pretty soon. It's just that one. Because to be honest, our listeners kind of,

they, they went along with it in solidarity. They have, it's, it's been. It's not been bought for a very long time. Every time I go, it's the only one that's there. That was encouraging to see.

There's no lemon herbina. There's no peony anymore. There's no... No basil. No slow drop. No coriander. No rainwater. No Byzantine. No elephantitis.

That's a weird flavor. I mean, they have a wide variety. They do. Yeah. So, no. I just use a basic antibacterial soap, just soft soap. I like the citrus and coconut. Mm-hmm.

I would say... Is that true, Doug? You. I like the citrus and coconut. Doug hates it. Is that true, Doug? You don't like the citrus and coconut? I love the citrus part of that. I hate coconut. He likes that citrus part of the equation. He just thinks coconut is a weird thing to throw in. Sure.

I mean, citrus and coconut, that's too much of a tropical combination. I got it at a 99 cent store. It's probably not even antibacterial. It's probably not even soap, let's face it. I would say you want to use a soap that's antibacterial. Certainly

if you can, use a bar soap. Use a bar soap. I like bar soap. See, Bernt likes bar soap. That's all I'm saying. Are you championing bar soap? You're a bar soap fan? I miss a good solid block of

soap. You miss a good solid... I've got a couple more for you. Did you not say I laid them out for you? I laid out your soap. I'm telling you it's dark in here. I'm not in the room. I put it in your bathroom, babe. Put the soap in the quarantine room, silly.

I've got three Irish springs that I laid out for you. It's all we've got left. And I'm sorry that you didn't see that, but you don't need to miss a bar of soap just yet. I'm going to make a suggestion, and this is to, it's going to sound crazy, but lava, you want to sound crazy, but lava. You want to get lava soap.

Oh. And that's going to toughen your hands up to the point where they can withstand anything. I also. It's the smoking the whole pack of cigarettes of soap. Fantastic. That is a great suggestion. And also, I did forget forget there's a couple joke soaps that he has uh because um for his birthday yeah because a couple years ago i got him soaps that just said doug club but it's just like fight club you know that oh sure yeah absolutely and he absolutely

loved those and uh and the weenie cleanie say again babe the weenie cleanieenie. Say again, babe? The weenie-cleenie. It's just like a little ring. It's a soap with a hole cut out of it. I do not know what you're talking about on me. I think we should get you out of there. I wish that hadn't happened. Okay. We have the final post that we should probably get to.

And then we're going to get Doug out of there because I'm kind of, I'm borderline worried about him. Oh, you should be. I think he sounds a little And it says funny mug. And it says free. And it just says, here's what it says on the mug, Berndt. It says, life is short, dot, dot, dot. And so am I. Right? I mean, that's pretty cute. I mean, I would like to, I don't know if she's, I don't know if she's short or not.

I assume that she is. I assume that's a short person. Oh, I took it to mean that it was a short mug. Is it not? Oh, that's funny, Berndt. No, it looks like a regular size mug i think it's funny you would think that it's funny you would think that uh so it's as if the the mug has a has a has an anthropomorphized mug that it's talking about is aware of its height

well now i i took it at when you said funny mug i thought maybe the mug itself is funny in that it's a tiny mug that's saying i I'm short. Yeah. Just like life. That's kind of sweet. But I do think it's probably about Erica. But underneath, it's sort of a poignant set. Well, it's just a couple words. It says, never used. Moving away and letting go.

Ooh. Doesn't that just hit you right in the field? Like an Ernest Hemingway story. It is. It's actually, yeah, it's poetic. It's a poem. It's a little poem. Funny mug never used.

Moving away and letting go. I'm going to cry. Moving away and letting go. No, but she, so she is, she letting go of, of anything humorous. Is she letting go of, of, of a, of a time past when she was, is this related to what we're going through right now? Where is she going? Why is she moving away? Erica, I have so many questions.

I know, she's starting a new life. She's saying, you know what, where I'm going, I don't want to be bogged down, held back by this funny mug. This isn't who I am anymore. Or doesn't want to be held back by being short. Because in my case, I do think it's about her being short as opposed to the mug being short. Because in my case, I do think it's about her being short as opposed to the mug being short.

No, of course, I believe you. I just couldn't. I couldn't see the mug. I got a different picture conjured in my mind. I'm just like Doug in the dark. This is what happens because we're in this new way of recording, not in the same room. So I wasn't able to show it to you. That is true.

That is true. Do you think it's also possible that she had a growth spurt? Maybe that's true. Maybe now she shot up and she had to look around at all her joke mugs about being short. And, you know,

like you must be the other one. You must be this tall to drink this drink. I bet she had that one. Maybe she's got now got a mug that says, how's the weather down there? Exactly. And you remember the movie Roxanne?

Of course I do vividly. I did love that part where he does all the insults. Yes, exactly. He says, oh, you can do better than Hey Big Nose. He does like 12 or 20 different insults. I forget. It's a certain number. It was either 12 or 20.

I don't know. Doug loves that movie. When we were about to go in the hot tub, he always quotes the Nelson tradition of hot tubbing, which is something that they say is it's the town of Nelson, I think. And, uh, and it's the, and it's so, so we say that it's, you know, um, the Nelson tradition of hot tubbing when we go, even though our last name is not Nelson, we should say the pedestrian, uh, tradition of hot tubbing. Well, Nelson was the area, right? Doug did take my last name. I don't know if we've ever... We've never discussed that, but...

Doug, what was your maiden name again? Corn. So now you can see why. Who's going to buy a house from Joan Corn? That's right. I'm very proud of my family. No, of course. To be fair,

it's spelled K-H-O-R-N. It's different. It's not the same. Is the K frontwards or backwards? It's backwards. I was going to say the K is backwards. You had it legally changed. So you changed your name twice. First, legally changed your name backwards,

K. And then you had to change to pedestrian. That's right. It's been quite a journey. But I mean, now he's Doug Korn Pedestrian. I mean, if you want his full legal name. So his maiden name became his middle name, which I thought was fair. Very classy.

Yeah. Well, listen, it's really good to see your face. I feel like a little bit lighter right now. I'm sure the darkness will set in again soon, as soon as we sign off. So we've got to get back on here and get another guest because, you know, hopefully this worked.

Let us know if this worked or if this was jarring for you to hear us not talking in the same room. But hopefully there's not much difference. Hopefully people find it comforting that we're still able to connect and that life is going on and that here we are. We're not going to let this beat us. We're going to stay in our homes and endure the cabin fever. And boy, I got to tell you, this is a great time for my bed to be fixed.

But yeah, that's a tale for another time. All right. Okay. But thank you so much, everyone, for listening. And we'll be back with another quarantine episode next week. And hopefully it won't be too long before we're back together again, but we're doing the best we can in this situation.

Just hang in there. We're all thinking of you. And, you know, just write to us. Just write into us and tell us what's going on in your home and how you're coping. Yes. And we can talk about it. And maybe you can even be a guest. We have an email address.

It's burntandjone at gmail.com. That's correct. So if you'd like to share your uh, uh, your own neighbor, have posts, uh, where we're happy to, uh, to, to read them on the,

on the show and maybe track down the, the people in the, uh, in the post. That's right. That was fun. Burnt. I didn't mean for it to be,

but I'm glad that it was, it was, it was real fun. Now, do you have to go into the pharmacy today? I do have to go into the pharmacy and, you know, we're doing the best we can and, you know,

if you need to come in, try to stay at home, everybody. Try to stay at home. Don't come in unless you absolutely need to. Don't go in for circus peanuts. No. You're out of luck. Because I have swept them. You cleaned them out.

You cleaned them out. See, that's the trick to find the one thing no one wants. Guys, that's what I'm trying to do. Lactation cookies. That's what we're going to be living on. I'm telling you right now.

All right. Well, thank you. Thank you for listening and we'll see you again next week. Goodbye. And bye. Bye. Goodbye. And bye.