The Neighborhood Listen - Stolen Bikes with Eugene Cordero

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

Burnt gets inspired by Southern Charm and Joan considers drastic measures to succeed in reality TV. They interview Benji (Eugene Cordero) who raises awareness about neighborhood security in an unusual way, and thus must disguise his voice with the help of Doug.Go to cbbworld.coma nd sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to the entire ad-free archive as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHalf app and us. Burn.

And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen. That was like, Bernd, that was like an announcer like when I was a kid that was like next up

and would announce what the movie of the week was. Oh, the movie of the week. Very announcer-y. That's it. They just don't have that anymore, the movie of the week was. Oh, the movie of the week. Very announcer-y. That's a thing. Just don't have that anymore, the movie of the week. I know, because now it's just, well, everything has the movie of the week now. Everything. There's literally a movie every week.

But do you remember? Who were you just then? You changed. Oh, I was just disgusted. Oh, I see. Due to the way things are. You really were. I really was.

There's too much stuff now. Oh boy. We're going to have this conversation again. Bernd does this a lot now. Just too much stuff. Too much of everything. Too much of everything. I don't necessarily disagree with you.

I understand. I do think that we consume way too much, period. Too many TV shows. There are a lot of TV shows. Too many kinds of gum. Are you, there are, this is an. Too many kinds of gum. Are you, there are, this is an annoyingly large amount of gum. Do you,

we know that at one point, maybe around last year, you were watching Stranger Things, but you'd only watched the first minute of the first episode. So I'm not sure we can really say. That's correct. I'm not sure we can really say

that you watched that show. Are you watching anything right now? But have you? Okay, fine. I mean, is that fair to say seen is more fair than watched that is right your eyeballs your eyeballs looked I have seen your eyeballs viewed the first minute which I think is just the credits frankly I think you just saw that big s and that big r and that big a and then do do do do do do do do do do do do

um yeah so I I but what are you asking me? I'm asking you, Bird, are you watching? And I mean watching, not just seeing. Okay, you got me there. Are you watching any of these shows of which there are too many? Let's see. It all blurs together into a melange. Did you say melange?

No, I didn't. Okay, it really sounded like you did. Melange. Oh, I see. It did sound like there was an R in there. Thank you. Wow, I mean, you really acted like I was just, when you play it back, you're going to hear that R,

that hard R. Okay, well, I just, oh, don't say hard R. What have I done? Nothing. Thank God, nothing. what did i what have i done nothing thank god thank god nothing but uh but uh i you know i watched this i watched this reality show and uh it's it's called southern charm oh yeah they look like douches well they are okay and but what's interesting about this did you just gasp are you afraid they're gonna come for us you said that do you watch southern charm doug no no no no just you're just surprised at the language that joe used doug our engineer uh by the way uh well

let's introduce ourselves yes we probably should uh i'm uh burnt me a payday i am a pharmacist here in the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. Yes, and I am Joan Pedestrian, and I am the top realtor here at Dignity Falls. And see, and I just sort of rushed through at Dignity Falls. That sort of was a mistake. You said Dignity Falls. I heard a hard R in there. Okay.

Okay. All right. One time. One time. One time. One time. One time. One time. One time. One time. One time. My favorite song.

Two times is too much. Now, you know what? I should say that this is not the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. It's the town of Dignity Falls. And of course, there are neighborhoods within our town. Oh, this is a... I wasn't prepared for this part of the podcast. Well, we never really said this before, but of course there's different parts

of, of the, there's old dig. Oh, sure. Sure. There's fraternity row. Dignity Heights fraternity row. Which is, it's adults living there. It's adults. They're all brothers.

It's, it's, it's a row of homes that is populated by one family. all men all brothers all brothers all men are brothers and they have all the same sort of activities that a fraternity does yes um but they're all married they're all married so it's it's quite different yes uh but yes but you're right there are many different sections and there's many different groups and, and, and, and communities. And it's a real,

it's a, it's a rich tapestry, rich tapestry. And the person who just said tapestry is, is Doug, my husband. And I just heard him. I did.

I said, I'm Joan pedestrian. I really did. That's right. I forgot. Yeah. And my husband, I actually just, I know where he is. That's right. Dirt Nitty Falls. I forgot. Yeah. And my husband, I actually just, I know where he is because I heard him crack open a cold one. He is in the beer room.

The beer room? Well, let me explain. One of his fantasies has been, you know, all those like endless football commercials where the guys are watching the game. It's like, want a brew? And then he opens a door and it's just like, it's like you open the door to a magic beer room like a narnia that's yeah it's like a narnia where you can grab a beer out of a cold it's like you teleport to the top of you know a mountain and you just there's just endless beer and so he built one uh and our hvac bills are through the roof because there's like snow in there. There's actual snow in there.

Okay, that's going to cost you for sure. Not fake snow. Like there's just actual snow. You created weather conditions in that room to where there's real snow. There's real snow and it's like Mount Everest where you can't stay there. Well, you have to keep walking. You don't have to go home. The altitude changes when you go in there. You really can't have to go home. The altitude changes when you go in there.

You really can't. The altitude changes. The altitude doesn't change deer. The atmosphere changes, I should say. You hit you with a deer. Wow. Okay. I've been putting my place. I get one a week. That is true. That's all he's allowed. What I guess I mean to say is he changed the atmosphere

to make it feel like the altitude had changed. Yes. Wow. I know. He spent a lot of time on it. That's maybe going too far. Maybe. Isn't it enough to have a magic beer room with snow?

Those are the coldest beers you've ever had. Just to make people short of breath. The coldest beers you've ever had. Oh, my gosh. So it's just his favorite thing to just go in there, crack one open. How is it? Is it cold, babe? It's actually too cold.

Well, I'm just waiting for it to warm up a little bit. Is it frozen solid? This is what happens. That's the problem is it's not supposed to freeze. You're hoist on your own petard. You don't want it to freeze. What a Twilight Zone type ending. You don't want it to freeze.

Oh no, it's too cold. He has beer. It's a beer slushie. Ew. It's like, what a Twilight Zone type ending. You don't want it to freeze. Oh, no, it's too cold. He has beer. It's a beer slushie. Ew. Ew. Yeah, I'm still dialing in the temperature. But I got a bunch of fans, so when you open the door, you get a gust of wind. A gust, absolutely.

That's kind of a spiral sort of gust of wind. And those fans are, I'm assuming, whisper quiet. Nope. So it's basically like an airplane turbine. You open it up it's just the loudest thing. It's like the one door in the house where it's like unless you close it the wind tunnel just goes through the hole

entirely. It's just the worst. You have to face the wind as you walk in so it's actually tough to walk. Yes. You have to find a waiver before you go in. This sounds like more trouble than it's worth honestly and I never say that about any of these rooms. Really? Not even the Sizzler?

This one. I didn't even say it about the Sizzler. This one sounds like more trouble than it's worth. By the way, in the last episode, we discussed that we have a Sizzler room where Doug recreated the buffet of Sizzler, but there were people there. And then we had to hire a cook. And now there were customers. And now he did add the crepe station.

I'm very sorry to tell you. Oh, so I did not expect that room to survive. But you're saying- You bought more shiny bricks and there's a crepe station. In the last episode, he had one, if you'll remember. It turns out-

I do remember. Tiles actually do the trick. So what does that mean, tiles do the trick? I was really stuck on shiny bricks. Because in my memory of Sizzler, there were a lot of shiny bricks. And you went with shiny tile? No, but then what I realized is like, oh, that's just tile.

Or like tile works as a shiny brick. Okay, babe. Tile works as a shiny brick? I think we'll end that part there. Let's talk about how you're doing and what television shows you're watching. Oh, so Southern Charm. We said, okay, he's mad. Oh, Southern Charm.

That's how this all started. That's right. Because you watch Southern Charm, but I did not realize you watch Southern Charm. Yeah, I, you know, I got into it because I've never been to Charleston, South Carolina. Oh. And this show is set there.

Oh, it's really, it is lovely there. That's what I hear. Yeah. That's what I hear. It's haunted, so haunted. Is that so? Oh, so haunted. That's not a problem for me

oh that's right you don't believe in ghosts only believe in ghouls um yes i went on one of those um scary haunted uh tours one night is the one where they make you walk around they do make you walk around yes you don't like that how would you prefer your haunted town tour to go like bus just sit like a bus i would like to sit in some sort of vehicle. Like a golf cart and then you're just driven around? You know, from what I understand, they have golf carts there. I guess they do, yes. They make them street legal so you can drive them around in the city.

Yeah, I guess they'd be more fun for a ghost tour. Yes. You know, I remember vividly the one that they told me that was the scariest. In South Carolina? Yeah. In Charleston, South Carolina. In Charleston, South Carolina. You went with a ghost tour in Charleston, South Carolina? I've been. I've been. Wow, you are very excited about Charleston, South Carolina in Charleston, South Carolina you went with a I've been I've been wow

you were very excited about Charleston, South Carolina just because of this show I didn't see any of the Southern Charm boys or girls oh I hope not no

because they're terrible they were salmon colored blazers so so there's this one restaurant right

it's a famous restaurant it's an old restaurant and there's like a hotel across the street. And sometimes they see a woman and like upstairs in the window, but that's not it. There's a restroom. You know, the restroom, but like, you know.

I don't know that I needed to hear that then. One woman was in the restroom once. And you know how like the doors swing in, you know, and then you get in and you close them like this, but they'll swing, a bathroom door swings in, right? You know, like a stall,

a stall door swings in towards the toilet. Sorry, I need to be more specific. I haven't forgotten my mistake last year when I called a skylight a sunroof and I will never get over it. I think it was the other way around. I think you called a sunroof a skylight. Yes, well, I meant to say skylight

and all that came out was sunroof and it just made so much sense to me at the time. Of course. So, okay. So there's the bathroom stall. Okay. So a woman was going into the bathroom and she thought that maybe something was in there. She looked underneath.

Something was in there. And she saw feet. She looked underneath and she saw feet. Probably a person. I know. But here's the weird thing. And this is where probably they made up this story for effect, but this still scared the bejesus out of me.

Maybe, because this would be a bold thing to do if you thought it was an actual elderly lady in there. But this person pushed the swinging door in, but it went through the woman and then it went through her again. Like going, isn't that scary? That's one of the worst ghost stories I've ever heard. You heard it here first charleston i mean burnt thinks that that tried and true story they could have made up anything and that's what they came up with i thought it was such a that image is

seared in my brain how's the door going through the phantom woman yes and they're coming back through oh it's great i guess it needs a little bit at the top of why this other woman just shoved the door open. I know. I forget that part. I forget the preamble. You gotta remember the preamble. You gotta remember the preamble.

So you're just watching Southern Charm. Yes. And these people, you know, reality shows, I don't, I don't really watch them, but I did want to see the scenery of Charleston, South Carolina, which is very beautiful. How do you think that this sort of, I don't want to say obsession, but this interest in Charleston, South Carolina came about? Well, you know, I'm a fan of the works of Edgar Allan Poe. Oh. And he spent some time in Charleston.

Okay. And so I thought, well, I want to see what this is all about. Because you write so evocatively of it. But then you don't really get a lot of Charleston in Southern Charm. Oh, I see. That's why you wanted to start watching. I said, why were you so interested in, okay, so you were so interested in it because of Edgar Allan Poe

and you thought instead of going, when you said, let's see what this is all about, I thought you were talking about going to Charleston. No, I would love to go at some point. I just haven't found the time. Don't you get vacation days as a pharmacist? Yes. I just don't.

I tend not to use them. Oh, I hate it when people do that. Come on. You got to get out and live. How come you don't use them? Well, because people need me. Because you know, you don't. It's not like you'll get paid extra, right?

You'll just lose those. It's not. You know, there's no gold star for not using them. Well, now I haven't lost mine but i do have how many do i have now accrued uh a thousand and ten vacation days um that is that's way too many you realize that's several years worth i guess it is i guess it is now that now that you mentioned it I guess it is. You could leave Digney Falls for like three years. Well, I can't imagine doing that. I know, but you could certainly take a weekend trip to Charleston.

I guess. I mean, maybe I'll do it. I just, you know, travel. I'm not, I have traveled and it's been a while since I've traveled. And, you know, I don't know. You went to Disneyland once. You walked in. The entrance overwhelmed you. You walked out. don't know. You went to Disneyland once you walked in,

the entrance overwhelmed you, you walked out. That's correct. It was just too much. It was just too much. It was just too much. You know, but it was the day I was there the day that, that Tigger quit. Oh, is that a thing? Yes. There was a, there was a guy playing Tigger. And on the day that he quit, he walked out of the park in his Tigger costume.

No way. I can't believe they let him. I can't believe they let him either. But he was in my way as I was trying to get in. And I had an exchange with him where I said, excuse me. And he said, don't worry about it. In his voice or Tigger voice? In his voice.

Okay. Whoever that person was. And I thought, well, that's a little sloppy. Doesn't sound like Tigger to me. I mean, I guess those big heads, I guess we call them, they don't really speak. Is that what they're called? Big heads? I don't know.

So the characters are divided into big heads and little heads. And little heads are the ones, like a Captain Hook would be a little head. Because you see his actual little head. Oh, yeah. See, that makes sense. Yeah. Come on. Those heads are big ones like a captain hook would be a little head because you see his actual little head oh yeah see that makes sense yeah come on those heads are big little head those those those heads are big i mean they're not the size i'm not denying that i do not deny this premise those heads are big and also they don't speak right so the people who are in the big characters they don't speak so i guess that. Because the voice would be muffled. Right. It was wonderful thing a ticker does.

It would sound, the child would instantly think there's somebody trapped in there. It would sound, yeah, it would sound strange. So that is interesting that you. And there's no technology that can amplify a voice.

None whatsoever, especially, certainly not that Disney can get a hold of. No. I wish them the best. I do too. Which is interesting though that he was able to leave

the premises with that. I mean, they'll shoot you right on spot, I've heard, if you try to leave in costume. It's wild that it happened. That they, I think that because this had never been done before perhaps

and they were just so stunned. Yeah, they just were caught off guard. Yeah. Tigger, did you want to leave? Can you imagine what that looks like? He got in his car, drove away, just to Tigger. Did he take the head off?

I wouldn't. I wouldn't. If I were going to go that far, I would drive home. That's right drove away, just a tigger. Did he take the head off? I wouldn't. If I were going to go that far, I would drive home. That's right. Commit to it. I would drive home in the head. I would drive home in the big head. In that big, big head. Wow.

Well, listen, I really do think that you should, I think you should travel to Charleston. I think that this is sort of, you need to make that pilgrimage. I think you need to sort of take that step. Pilgrimage. Bring me back a two. I don't know what it is. If you go. Oh my gosh. You talk about Charl to sort of take that step. Bring me back a two. If you go.

Oh my gosh. You talk about Charleston chews, babe. Oh, they're my favorite. Well, you know, you can get them anywhere. You can get them at his pharmacy. Yeah, but imagine how good they are. Are you talking about, it's like British chocolate is better than like chocolate over here?

You think it's like Guinness if you go to the source? Yeah. You haven't really had a Charleston chew. You're talking to a man who built a mountain in his house so he could get mountain beer yeah isn't it sad those commercials they're the saddest things in the world is that the sound of the the crisp clean air in that room yes that is the sound of the air i truly thought that there was a supernatural presence in here. It doesn't sound normal.

It actually sounds like a race. It does. Oh, I'd love to crack open a cold beer with one of the Nazgul. All right. I would turn that fan down. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. What's going on with you? Oh, with me? We're talking about me watching television. What's happening with you? Well, I'm thinking about doing something that, well, I don't know. I just don't have. Murder? What are you talking about? Why would that come out of your mouth? I don't know. It's just the way you said it. I don't know. I'm thinking of doing a Christmas cabaret.

A Christmas cabaret. That sounds like a wonderful idea. The opposite of a murder. You know what? You're right. Can you think of anything more opposite? I can't think, when I think of murder

and how heinous it is, I think the opposite of that, Christmas cabaret does kind of pop into my mind. Listen, I, I, I never done that before. I've always been in sort of that, Christmas Cabaret does kind of pop into my mind. Listen, I'd never done that before. I've always been in sort of like, you know,

Christmas caroler groups, just, you know, walking around town. And then I thought, oh, maybe I'll do a Christmas album. You were in that group of carolers, the under 50s. Yes. Yeah. The women under 50. To be specific.

And it was, you were welcome if you were a woman who could sing from zero to 49. It's weird that I wasn't asked to be in the women over 42 chorus. No, but you were asked to be in the women under 50. Yes. And, you know, our rehearsals are are great they're whenever we want them to be sometimes one of us just shows up and it's fine yeah and we just say i'm sorry i couldn't make

it and we all say it's fine that's right because it's the same 12 songs it's the same year after year and no one there's no judgments and you absolutely come as yourself and who gives a shit gives a shit and and and uh and we just the trick is though um if if you haven't sort of been in a situation where singing a lot of different uh carols and sometimes a medley we do this medley and i don't know why we do it because every time we do it no one can remember which song comes next because the interesting thing about a lot of christmas songs is the chords are so similar it could be all different kinds so what you get is people trying to guess what the next one is what child is this right they're like chestnuts roasting i'll be home for a career jingle but like literally there's someone's accompanying us on the guitar

i'm not known for my object work, Bert. I'm not good at it. I wouldn't mind if they were accompanied by a washboard. I think it could be interesting. A little rustic. A little Emmett Otter in there. That's right. No, it's just that we never really sort of remember the order. And he just keeps strumming the same chords and different people guess which carol it is. And it's a disaster. So I think we should just stick to single songs. But that's kind of one of the reasons is that I get tired of just singing one specific line in a Christmas song.

line in a Christmas song. I would like to just do my own, you know, cabaret, just sitting on a stool, you know, just with some eggnog, just do it down at the rec center, you know, and just, and I don't know, I don't even know if I need to charge anything. Yeah. Just a, just a little trio. A trio. Just need a trio. Very nice.

Yeah. Just a, you know, speaking of eggnog, we haven't talked about your drinking lately. And, uh, is that still on track? Is that still on track? It feels rough that these are the only things you ask me about is my drinking. Well, no, I just realized we haven't talked about it in a while. Usually you'll volunteer. You know, you're making your own drinks, a Jontini or whatever. And I haven't heard of you indulging in a mixology in quite some time.

I suppose that is true. I suppose that is true. I do think that I got really caught up with, I mean, speaking of reality shows, you know, all the realty, you know, the selling sunsets, it's really put me in a bad spot. It's put me in a real paranoid spot that I have to just- Flip it and grip it. Is that one? I don't know. paranoid spot that I have to just flip it and grip it. Is that one? I don't know.

And so I've just been so busy because I don't think I've really had time to drink. I've been so busy trying to shoot a pilot for my own. Really? Yes, I would really like to do. Did you tell me about this before? I didn't. I didn't want to talk about it because it's one of those things where it's like, you know,

I'm putting a lot of money into it. I'm putting a lot of time into it. And I just, I'm very nervous, you know, and I'm nervous I don't look right, you know, I'm putting a lot of money into it. I'm putting a lot of time into it. And I just, I'm very nervous, you know, and I'm nervous. I don't look right, you know, so I'm going to get a total face change. Total face change. What does that, a total, is that the name of the procedure? A total face change. Yes.

That sounds extreme. Well, guess what? That's what it takes to get on TV now, to get on reality television as a realtor. I don't know. You see what they look like? Total face change. It's the only way. And I can't drink for five months before the procedure.

Oh, no. Are you sure you want to do this you sure you got it out of me? I'm not drinking right now. I have to get a total face change. And they say, you say before, before a total face change, you cannot have alcohol for five months.

Any other restrictions? Any other things you have to worry about? I have to, I have to stop eating. Stop eating at a certain point? And I have to sell a box of candy bars. What? Joan.

It's very expensive. And so this is what people do. To defray the cost of the TFC. Yes, yes. They sell boxes of candy bars. It's very expensive and uh and so i just have to raise the money and i'm scared you know it's scary it's a real scary it's a hard everything about it sounds terrifying. Total face change. Do you know what your face will look like?

Just different, I hope. Just different? They have to. I feel like they have to give you some indication. Here's what you're going to look like. They can't just say it's going to be completely different. Do you go over the picture like if you're getting your hair cut and say, I want to look like this? They tell you that psychologically it's not good for you to have an idea in your head of what you want to look like.

Oh, this doesn't sound good, Joan. Joan, this doesn't sound good, Joan. Joan, this doesn't sound good. I, as your friend, I would advise you not to do this. Doug's not on board. I don't blame him. I don't blame him. A total face change.

They say you shouldn't go in with expectations that they just, when you open your eyes, whatever it is, you say, okay. Oh, no. Joan, you mustn't do this. I don't know. I think it's the last resort, so I'm going to do one. It's your own pilot. Exactly! It's your own show.

I think you get to set the rules. Right, but I mean, if I'm going to compete with all of these other shows, I have to look different, you know? But I mean, can you... What about... Yeah, Doug? you know i've got it got i have to look different you know but i mean it's can you what about yeah this is a hail mary okay what about a big head oh this i like what like a what like you mean like a human big head yeah like a ticker head but i just said i said a human head and he said yeah, like a tigger head.

A human head, like a tigger head. And what you do is you make it look like one of those people from those shows. But it's just slightly bigger than your head. They say big heads get hard. I've heard this too.

Finish that sentence. Big heads get... Big heads get attention. I heard this too. Finish that sentence. What big heads get? Big heads get, they get attention. Oh, okay. You're more likely to succeed in show business if you have a larger head.

Is that true? That's a theory that people have. It's a theory that people have. It's going around. It's really making the lounge. Yeah.

Because now that I think about it, I am seeing it everywhere. Yeah. Hashtag big head. Hashtag big head. Gentlemen, I don't know. I just wanted to sing some Christmas songs as my old face and then just go under. I don't know.

I don't know. I think that you really- New year, new me. I understand, but I don't have to say I don't think you should get a total face change. All right. Well, you know what? We'll just discuss it later. Yeah.

Let's table this. Let's table this. We won't make any decisions now. All right. Well, Joan, we should take a break. And when we come back, we will have a guest that we have found from the NeighborHap. Somebody from right here in Dignity Falls that has something interesting to say. Or someone is interested in them.

We'll find out when the Dignity Falls Neighborhood Listen podcast returns. Hey, this is Raphael. Bunny, $40. As you can see, I put a picture of him here. That's him sitting on the grass. Around five weeks, lobes to eat. I know you might think that's a typo, but he likes to eat loaves. He nibbles on your loaves and my family can't take it anymore. Please take this monster. $40 plenty. And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. We have a guest here, Joan.

We sure do. And I'm going to read the post let me just say very quickly what we do here is we take posts from the neighbor hap yes um and we find people that we want to talk to in dignity falls if you would like to submit a post maybe there's one that we missed you can screenshot it and send it to us at burnt and joan at gmail.com good job thank you so this post is from robert and it says, it's under crime and safety. It says, bike thefts with unusual behavior. Hmm. Like assigning behavior to the actual theft, you know?

I'm intrigued. Not the thief. There are a ton of bike thefts in Woodside Plaza. My neighbor and I both had bikes stolen from our backyards. The thefts, hard to say, both happened. Thefts. Both happened on a Saturday night around 1 a.m. They leave a pair of shoes behind,

and they take a pair of yours for the next victim, I assume. What happened to the bike? I don't know. Okay. We're not there yet. I know of three people where this happened. They really don't care if your gate is locked or not. They will jump your fence and do whatever. My advice, make it difficult to steal your stuff. Lock your garage doors and assume anything on your property

can be stolen at any time. I mean, it's not bad advice. No, it's not. Cameras won't protect your property, but maybe install some motion detection lights. And here's what's interesting. It's not Robert we're going to talk to. What? It's the they that Robert's referring to. One of the bike shoe thieves?

The person, bike shoe thieves, whatever. So please welcome, your name is? Benji. Benji. Please welcome Benji. Thankji. Please welcome Benji. Thank you. Hi Benji. And Benji

you have disguised your identity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not my real voice. No it's not. It's not. And you're wearing a big head.

He's wearing a big head. I am. I am. Can you tell me what character this is? I'm not familiar. Dumbledore. Dumbledore?

Oh really? See you can do it. You're right and the sound is? I'm not familiar with this. Dumbledore. Dumbledore? Oh, really? See, you can do it. You're right. And the sound is actually really great. Good job, babe. I know you mic'd him from inside for this. So it was really good. But this is not my real voice.

Right. No, no, no. We know that. Yeah, yeah. Understood. What does your real voice sound like? Sounds. You have to take the napkin off the mic if you want your real voice to come through.

You don't have to. I just meant to describe it. Is it lower? Is it higher? I mean, it's just like this, but there's no napkin. So wait, the technology you use was just a napkin? Well, I mean, it's like triple ply, but so

the voice travels through each fold of your head. It doesn't sound like me right now when I hear it. Okay. It sounds like I'm talking through a paper towel. Okay. Well, then now Benji. Yeah.

Do you want to answer? I didn't mean to answer. I thought you were further trying to protect his identity by confusing me as to who Benji was. I want to make it confusing to understand. Well, I don't even know if I'm talking because this does not sound like you. You are. Trust me. Definitely you're talking.

You're talking. Sounds are coming out of your voice. We're not seeing lips move, but we are hearing the voice come from your direction. Do you see a beard move? Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Is it real hair? I don't know.

So go ahead and ask your question. I didn't mean to sort of speak for Benji. Benji, what is... I understand stealing a bike. People steal bikes all the time because they want a bike. They want to sell a bike. Okay. What's the shoe angle?

Yeah, what's this about? You're leaving shoes and taking shoes. I'm leaving shoes, taking shoes. I live in the neighborhood. I see that a lot of people in the neighborhood just leave their gates open to their backyards. And if you do that, I'm not punishing you. I'm just telling you that it's possible for people to steal from your household. I see.

Oh, are you saying this is like an educational thing? Yes, yes, because I want everybody to be safe. steal from your household. I see. Oh, are you saying this is like an education? Yes. Yes. Because I want everybody to be safe. And according to this post, reading it now or when I read it, I was like, good.

People are realizing that A, cameras don't work, but motion detector lights do protect. Cameras will not protect your property. No. So get motion detecting lights.

Once you get those lights, I'll tell you right now, I am not afraid of a camera. Right. I can always put another one of these big heads on. Right. That's true. But if I see a light, I run away. You're scared. Your response is to run. Well, it's the middle of the night. There should not be

light other than the moon. Oh, so it's the this is uncanny. It shouldn't be happening. It shouldn't be happening. Yes. I like natural things happening. Wow, I didn't know that. Yes. I like spring and fall. Because nature happens. Summer and winter?

It's just cold or hot. I see. But spring and autumn, when things are changing. Yes. You like that part. Nature is happening. Yes. Okay.

What's the... A, B, C, D, Y. This does not sound like me. I promise you it's you. That's not how you normally do the alphabet? No. Sounded like hieroglyphics to me. Sounded like hieroglyphics to me.

Has anyone done another arrangement of the alphabet song? Because I've only ever heard the one arrangement. Well, I mean, there is your specific arrangement specific arrangement burn since you can only sing one note that's how he does it that's true i guess that's my cover yeah um so wait the shoes i'm intrigued by the shoes yeah we didn't address the shoes we really didn't so um there's two aspects to this robbery that I do that is helpful for my neighbors. A, pay attention to what's going on around you. And also, do you know everybody in your neighborhood that could possibly help you out? If you don't, find out whose shoes you have now.

That would probably get people talking. So basically what I do is I find an object, a bike, a garden gnome, a humongous jack-o'-lantern man in a front yard. One that talks? One that talks or just like if you just park there, it's just going to keep going. Absolutely. Recently this happened to me where i parked my car and i got out and the thing was already talking to me oh that's terrifying yeah yeah yeah that's unnerving as if he was trying to talk to me through the closed window sure so yeah unnatural indeed yes but uh i'll find these things that are easy to pick off. You know, like I said, bikes.

Garden gnomes. Garden gnomes. Like little. It's called jack-o'-lantern man. Jack-o'-lantern man's flags. Flags, of course. That was the type of thing. But not flags, not the United States flag, but like seasonal flags.

Oh, okay. Oh, sure. Like spring and fall. Bring it up a rainbow and fall you'd have some leaves. Leaves on there. Yeah, yeah. So happy 4th of July type thing. Well, I guess that's a fuss.

Verging on to American flag therapy. You're really flirting with disaster there. Okay. Memorial Day, let's say. Oh, yeah. Just one with a big rocket on it. I did that once. Anyways, what I end up doing is I pull whatever I take from their house saying, hey, you did

this thing. You left this out here. Know what's on your property. Like a flag is for display. Yeah, and a garden gnome has to be outside. I mean, are they to be inside or are they just not to be displaying anything outside at all? Is that what you want to teach them?

I'm just saying something could be stolen if you leave it outside. I suppose that's true. Yeah, but I think people are aware of that. Right. Well, then why you leave it out there? I mean, for a point,

he's stealing it. He's right there stealing it. I know, but I think that, like, what, okay, let me ask you this. Sure. Barbecues. Oh, that's just another one

you're adding to the list. Okay. How do you steal a barbecue? That's a lot. Some of them are massive. Yeah, that's just another one. Another thing left outside. Okay. How do you steal a barbecue? That's a lot. Some of them are massive. Yeah. But, you know, I mean, if they're on wheels, if they're a traveling one. Sure.

But I'm not going to, I'm not going to dig it out of your backyard. Okay. I might. It's out there. Okay. So that's a threat. Maybe. Sounds like it.

Haven't tried a jacuzzi yet, but I've seen them back there. That seems like a lot of work to steal i'd have to drain it step one i'd do it what do you do with these things that you that you take i bring them back to my home um and wait it out i just haven't returned some of these things yet there'll be the middle of the nights that will happen now that people are talking about it where I will return. Oh, okay.

So how long have you been doing this now? That's a good question. About seven months. Seven months. Wow. Yes. And do you do it every night? I do it every night, yes.

What do you do, may I ask, for a living in the daytime? Great question. Yeah. Well, since this is not my regular voice, I can say it. Yes, of course. I work at the big lots. Oh, okay yeah all right i'm the manager there oh wow you're the manager yeah well i feel like that might be saying too much i mean you might be identified by that so you're jeff i'm bench i'm benchy for the purposes of this, yes. But you are Jeff, the manager of Big Lots.

You don't have to answer that. You don't have to answer that. There's no way you can tell. This is not my regular voice. No way. This is not my face. No, no, no. No, no.

You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. Except when you sell napkins. What? What's that? Except when you sell napkins what was it except when you sell napkins what does that mean if you're bringing some napkins to a customer and talking it's gonna have the same effect as right now but then more napkins would distort the voice even further would they

not they be in a package yes yes i would so. I don't think you'd carry the package out in front of your face. I'm telling you right now, just since we got that out in the open, at Big Lots, we sell things in packages. We do it right.

We don't pull things out individually. If anything, we give you more of the bulk. We're kind of like Costco, but cut in half. Yeah, we're not trying to put Big Lots on trial.

No, no, we're not. Nor you, which is why we're going to keep referring to you as Benji. Benji, right. Benji, not Jeff, the manager. Big Loss. No, no. So, Benji, you take these things home, and then you say you wait them out, so eventually you will return things in the middle of the night.

Yeah, hoping that when I do return them, there will be a light that shines on me, and I know that they have protected their home. And then you will run away. I was going to say, you won't. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll probably just drop it off in the driveway. there will be a light that shines on me and I know that they have protected their home. And then you will run away. I was going to say, I'll probably just drop it off in the driveway. I won't put it back. Exactly where it was.

Just the phrase, wait it out. I'm just not clear. Wait it out. What are you waiting out? Like whether or not someone has followed you, has come to collect their stuff. Great question.

I think till they have done something to their home that I've seen that is protecting them. So then do you monitor them? Yes. I have put cameras at everybody's homes. Oh, I don't know if that's legal. It is legal. It is? Yeah, it's on...

It's not just because you say it is. You know that, right? Yes. Okay. Wait. Benji are you are you now discovering something that you you hadn't thought about

previously well Google does it Google does what because you can see oh they put cameras all over the place yeah yeah yeah because you can see

that you know like when you do Google Maps how is that legal yeah they can do it so I figured if I have them on the streets

it's part of public property so that I can just zoom them towards their house. Right. I'll get rid of those as well. I think you probably should. I will once I return all this stuff. Okay. And have you returned anything yet? I am en route.

Now that I have noticed that there's been a few people that have installed some motion detector lights, I am ready to return some bicycles, a couple of gnomes. So far, anybody who's listening who thinks or knows that something has been taken away and shoes have been left with you. Right. If you are missing a flag, do something. You heard it. Do something. Do something. Yes.

Protect your home. Okay. I want to go back to the shoes. Yes. Yeah. I really would like to look at the post again as well. Okay. They leave a pair of shoes behind and they take a pair of yours for their next victim.

I assume. Okay. So then does that mean your, the shoes you leave are someone else's as well? Yes. It's from another home that I had taken something from. Right. And it's a way for them to maybe start talking to their neighbors. Hey, did you get something stolen from your house?

Did they happen to take some shoes as well? Does that mean you have my shoes? Right. It might. So then now they are in cahoots Or they're friends with each other Now they have a neighborhood watch situation going on They can keep an eye on each other

That kind of stuff That's why I do it Also, I've realized The bikes, the gnomes Those are all outside I do break into the home to get the shoes Okay, you Oh, yeah, you know, that was a question

Because where are the shoes coming from? Those aren't outside things. No, they're not. Unless they're like crocs, maybe. Some people leave shoes outside. Garden shoes, maybe, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But some people leave just regular shoes outside.

Yeah, monsters. It's strange to me. I don't take those. Because things live outside. They do. And they can easily get in your shoes. That's true. Yeah.

So, okay, you're breaking into homes now. You're breaking into homes. I'm breaking into foyers. Mudrooms. Mudrooms. Yeah, okay, you're breaking into homes now. You're breaking into homes. I'm breaking into foyers. Mudrooms. Mudrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like the closest room to the garage. Front and back.

We're getting close. There's probably going to be a pair of shoes right inside a sliding door. Right. So it's just like, as long as they don't have that broomstick there to keep it shut, I could probably get it open. Okay. That's interesting. Are you running into that a lot? People do the broomstick things, though.

Yeah. Yeah. It's impressive. And I mean. That would imply that people already have some sort of sense that, you know, people, I think, might already be nervous about crime. So it doesn't necessarily seem like you need to educate them more on it. Might you just be, you know, perpetuating a fear that already is there? Yeah, I don't know how much education you're doing.

People know that crime is a thing. Yeah, I mean, I do. Do you, Bernd? I'm aware of it. Okay. Do you know your neighbors? Yeah, I mean, I'd say we know them better than many people because of this podcast. That's a great point, Joan.

Do you know what size shoe they happen to be? Well, you got me there. There you go. That's something great point, Joan. Do you know what size shoe they happen to be? Well, you got me there. There you go. That's something new you can learn about your neighbors. Is that a question that's okay to ask people? Or, you know, do we need to go through having things stolen in order to ask the question? Could we just ask it without the step of having our garden domes taken? Why do we want to know, I guess, what shoe size somebody is?

I guess unless, you know, if I ever wanted to buy you a pair for your birthday. Well, here, let's do it right now. What size shoe are you, Bert? I'm in 11 and three quarters. Oh, wow. Very hard to find. I was going to say, that's very tricky to find. Do you have to get your shoes specially made?

Yes, I do. And it costs a pretty penny. Oh, yes. I get what he's doing. A pretty penny is the local cobbler in Dignity Falls. That's right. Pretty Penny is the local cobbler in Dignity Falls. That's right. And she is gorgeous. Penny Featherton.

Penny Featherton. Yes, beautiful. She's not cheap. No, she's not. She's not cheap. And I mean, I go for, unfortunately, because of the price, I go for the ugliest shoes that she makes. And I'm not happy about it. She makes some gorgeous shoes, and I wish I had the money, I go for the ugliest shoes that she makes. And I'm not happy about it.

She makes some gorgeous shoes, and I wish I had the money, but I don't. We're not here to talk about me. No, but how ugly are these shoes? The shoes that you have on look pretty fantastic. Oh, these? Yeah. I mean, I've modded them a little bit.

Oh, you have? Yeah. Oh, those nickels are not usually in there? No, they're not. That was my touch. Wow. So, let me get to another question I needed to ask. It sounds like you have quite a proliferation of stuff.

Yes. And I'd like to know A, do you live alone? B, where does all this stuff go? A, I do live alone. Okay. B, it's either in my house or at Big Lots. You are storing it at your place of work. Well, yeah, they have a big warehouse in the back.

Not a warehouse, but a big storage area. Right, but I mean, I would imagine they're storing the things that they sell at Big Lots there. Yeah. We do. Which also would be similar to the things that you are stealing. How do you not mix up the merchandise? Good question. Oh, well, that's a great question except for the fact that

most of the merchandise that I'm getting is used. Now I can, because I'm a manager, tell the difference between a new product and a used product. When people come back with returns and say that this is unused, I

immediately know when it's used. Jeff has a real, excuse me, Benji has a real eye for this that he can tell if someone has, you know, because the story is always like, oh, I bought this and it doesn't fit or my husband didn't let me buy it or whatever, whatever their story is.

Yeah, it's a lot of my husband wouldn't let me buy it. They try to blame it on somebody else. These placemats didn't fit me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they make it seem as if they got them home, they put it in place and it's like, oh, it doesn't fit. And they bring it back. But he can tell that they've used these for months.

Months. That makes a lot of sense. Months. Because we have a six month policy. Yeah. Which is very generous. Very generous. I mean.

Six months. Especially since so many things you get at Big Lots, people go for seasonal things. And so, well, you've well used it. You don't need to bring it back. Return mean. Six months. Especially since so many things you get at Big Lots, people go for seasonal things. And so, well, you've well used it. You don't need to bring it back. Return this fake Christmas tree. People still bring back their, you know, their Frankenberry. And they say, we didn't eat it.

And I go, well, it's empty. Yeah. They bring you an empty box. Empty box. But they taped it, but they glued it up like, you know. You can tell even just from how light it is. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's just a cardboard box at that point. Well, that just seems silly. You got to fill it. Yeah, you know. You can tell even just from how light it is. Yeah, it's just a cardboard box at that point. Well, that just seems silly. You gotta fill it. Yeah, you gotta fill that thing. I mean, this is not what we're trying to tell people. This is not what our podcast is about. No. How to commit a crime, even though we're asking Benji about how he's committing his crimes.

But you don't consider this a crime at all? I don't. I feel like it is a true learning experience for everybody in the neighborhood to get to know each other, to protect themselves from crime, and also we don't sell cameras at Big Lots. Big what?

Big Lots. We don't sell cameras at Big Lots. We do. Any kind of camera? We sell like digital cameras, like flip cameras. We do. Any kind of camera? We sell like digital cameras, like flip cameras. Flip cameras. Like flip phones?

Oh, I remember those. Yes. Remember the flip camera? Yeah, sure. USB camera. It looked like an iPod. It looked like an iPod. Didn't do anything an iPod would do.

No, didn't really do anything. No. And for some reason, they were going to take over the world. Yes. Yeah. They were very quickly made obsolete by phones yes we have those okay we don't have the cameras that you would use outside of your homes but we

do have security cameras yes but we do have motion lights okay well here okay then let me can i ask you this question uh why not just make a post on the neighbor app saying, hey, folks, been noticing a lot of bikes, outdoor things, flags, gnomes. Just so you know, these are easily achievable to steal them. Might I recommend motion lights? I'm going to tell you right now cameras don't do a thing. and motion lights. I'm going to tell you right now, cameras don't do a thing.

And then that way, you just tell them directly as opposed to going through the seven-month process. Or my question is, and I don't want to put you on the spot, but do you get some pleasure in stealing these things and hoarding them?

When you achieve these crimes, do you feel good about yourself? I mean, I really didn't want to put him on the spot. I do feel good about myself. I feel like I'm helping the neighborhood. I'm also doing this in the middle of the night after I've already worked a long time. It must be exhausting.

Well, I mean, you're- Again, so why not just make a post? Okay, my answer to that is okay. Oh, great. I don't know if I thought about it that way and I should. I mean, is that simple? You're going to stop doing this? I didn't even imagine. Well, there's a couple of things about

meeting you, which I appreciate or I know you, but anyways. You've met many times. Yes, yes, yes. I know you well, but not Benji, but my friend. This guy. Oh, a little beat.

Oh my goodness, you showed us his face a little bit. That was fun. Maybe we'll get to hear his real voice just a little bit at the end. This is too thick of a napkin. I think we're pretty close. I think we're pretty close. But there's a couple of aspects during this talk. Okay.

That I've realized I am wrong. I am in the wrong. Oh. A. Can I say this? You sounded very confident in your motives up until right now. Yes, agreed. This is a real surprise.

Well, you know, the whole having cameras at other people's homes got me a little nervous. Yeah, that kind of stopped you in your tracks a little. It kind of stopped me in my tracks and made me rethink everything because I'm like, oh, I can't lose my job. Right. I do not want the police after me, especially our local police, because they could be very hands on. Absolutely. And man, I know those guys and, you know, them coming by always, you know, they love. We do this special on Chewy Bars.

And these guys, the cops are on here. They love a Chewy Bar. The cops, like any joke, if you're not from Dignity Falls, any joke that people make about cops and donuts, here it's cops and Chewy Bars. Oh, yeah. They love them. Yes, they do.

It's like they're sponsored by Quaker or something. Anyways, I always have them in the trunk. Oh, do you know, I'm just making the connection because the police here wear those Quaker hats. Oh, that's right. Yes. That's why. I say.

Okay. Their trunks, they open them up to put new Chewy bars in there, and there's still three, four unopened boxes back there. I'm like, you're never going to go through all these. But guys, feel free. Keep buying them. Thank you for your service. Don't get me now though especially now if i'm well if you're turning in if you're if you're changing your ways in this

moment right now perhaps so is google wrong for taking video of all of our i felt like that i think they probably are okay now we've put out this question and i don't know what to say about it i mean uh because you can zoom around a town yeah absolutely and it's an amazing feature if you don't think about it for too long yeah i feel like there's a lot of things like that yeah see people's license plates things like that you should be able to just randomly go around and collect that information yeah that's kind of true. But also, you shouldn't go around and just collect people's things, I think. And you're realizing that, right.

It was an easy okay. It was an easy okay. We've already established that. Yeah. Well, this is great. Listen, it's been a while since we felt like we actually solved either a mystery or a claim. A couple times, I feel like we've gotten someone

to sort of see something different, try something new. Wow, good for us. It was a while ago, though. Yeah. Let's not pat ourselves on the back too hard. First season, maybe. I think so.

Because I'm here ultimately to help. I want to help everybody around. I totally believe you. And I have to ask you this, Benji. So maybe you've seen some people installed motion detector lighting. Yes. And you say you want seen some people installed motion detector lighting yes you say you want to bring people together

have you seen people talking about this have you seen people become friends other than the post other than the post other than the post I've seen people in the neighborhood exchange shoes before now okay oh I got your shoes these are these yours yes oh hey you have mine people in the neighborhood exchange shoes before. Now. Okay. Like, oh, I

got your shoes. Are these yours? Yes. Oh, hey, you have mine. I think so, yes. I haven't stopped to see if that was what it was, because then there's a chance that they would know that it was me if I walk up and I go, oh, you're getting your shoes back. They'd be like,

how do you know? And I'd be like, right. So it's sort of like a moment where you're just walking by, you see that happen and then some sort of music plays and you go, right on. Sort of nod. Yeah, I nod. I give it.

I did that. I did that, yeah. Yeah. I'm usually on my bike. Right. Yours? Yeah, yeah. Oh, good question.

Well, you never know. No, I'll take my own bike. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna take anybody else's bike. Okay. I'm not there to. Let me ask you take anybody else's bike. I'm not there to Let me ask you this. How did this start?

Were you the victim of a crime? That's a good question, Bert. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. I was

I'll tell you this. There was one time that I was at the gym. Okay. Went into the showers to obviously take a shower.

I left my shoes out. Okay. Those shoes were taken. Other shoes were put in its place. Oh. I left the gym clean. And as I left the gym clean in other people's shoes, I was confused. So you wore the shoes out?

Well, I'm not going to walk out of the gym shoeless. I was clean. Sure, but did you do any investigation on site? So many double meanings here. Wearing the shoes out. Wearing them out or wearing them out. Leaving it clean or leaving it clean. There's so many double meanings.

It's turning my head upside down. Did you clean the gym or did you leave it really quickly? I don't know what it is. Did you wear the shoes out of the building or did you wear the soles out? Am I the only one that's in a mind prison right now? I'm not in a mind prison.

I felt like I followed it pretty well. Me too. You don't want to be Shoeless Jim Jackson. Yeah. Shoeless who? Jim Jackson.

Did you mean Jeff? No. I thought it was Joe. There was Shoeless Joe Jackson. He was Jim Jackson. Did you mean Jeff? No. I thought it was Joe. It was Jim Jackson. Well, Shoeless Jim like G-Y-M? Yes. Oh my god. Shoeless Jim Jackson.

If you walk out of a gym, there's Shoeless. You're Shoeless Jim Jackson. I understand the Shoeless part. I understand the Jim part. You can't just throw Jackson on the end of that. That has no relation to anything else. Jackson Street is where the...

Well, Doug, you got me. You got me. There is a Jim on Jackson Street. Shoeless Jim Jackson Street. Oh my God. You don't want to be shooting with Jim Jackson straight. You sure don't.

All right, so hang on a second. You leave the gym, you're in someone else's shoes. Then what? You leave the gym clean. You leave it clean. Wear the shoes out. You win. I also leave very fast.

So I leave the gym clean, clean. And I'm in the parking lot. And the guy who's about to get in his car right next to me has my shoes on. How do you know if he's in the car? He was getting into the car. He was getting into the car. I'm so sorry. I can tell by the look on his face.

So you were about to get in your car. I was about to get in my car. This other guy is also about to get in his car. Just about to close the door. And would you say that the shoes you were left were worse than yours that he was wearing? Were these an equal quality pair of shoes? They were similar shoes. Okay.

In similar colors. Okay. They were beige. Okay. It was a beige gym shoe. Mine's were Nikes. Mine's were Nikes. And his wereikes and his were um all day i dream about soccer sure adidas um so slight change um i i would i would even say there was even more of

a chance that they would have gotten mixed up if i was wearing Pumas and he was wearing Adidas since they were brothers who then split off and started their own business. If you don't know the story about that, we do sell Pumas. Has it been a movie yet? It really should be. More of a miniseries.

Sounds more of a miniseries to me. They're just like, here's how this thing got made. I don't think so. That sounds like the most interesting one to me, actually. Yeah, the brothers. Two brothers, like a civil war over sneakers. Yes.

My question is, what'd you do? Did you see the shoes? Did you guys lock eyes? What happened? You see the shoes? What'd you do? I knocked on his window. Oh, okay.

And then I lifted up my leg and I showed him my shoe. Sure. Which he was confused by. Then opened his window. He opened his window. And I said, excuse me, sir, are these yours? And he looked down and he saw the shoes he was wearing. And he goes, oh, and they look like the ones I'm wearing.

And I go, but they're not the same we had a ball what yeah we kept talking about the shoes of how you're like you hit it off right away now he is my gym partner wow we have coffee every week and work out six days a week and on one of those days, you have coffee. One day, yeah, yeah. And which shoes do you wear? Did you ever exchange them back? We did. We did. And are you telling me that because this story gave you such a new friend that that spurred you to decide to steal other people's shoes in hopes that they'd make friends as well?

Yes. Well, why did you do the other stuff? You could have just done that. Okay. Asked and answered. I mean, yeah. What more could you ask for? I mean, we've really, this is a breakthrough one.

This is a breakthrough episode. He's just so amenable all of a sudden it's just okay okay open suggestions he's taking the notes it's wonderful yeah it's great so uh do you think that and what is this person's name can you tell us that or do you want to give us a pseudonym for him i benji okay um you didn't have a lot of time i understand uh so uh this other benji um do you feel like he engineered this to meet you because you say you put your shoes there and then they were replaced with similar shoes now if someone uh just saw their own shoes outside the shower. I mean, he had his own shoes.

So he must have put, he put them in place of your shoes. So he knew what he was doing. Yeah, I think we weren't sure if it was, it ended up being sort of just this lucky mistake. But did he do it on purpose? Because, you know, he was the first to use.

It didn't sound like the shoes were next to each other. It sounded like your shoes were replaced with his shoes. I will say prior to this moment, I don't know if I noticed other people's shoes around my shoes. So I could have taken a shower. I was at the

gym. I just wanted to get clean. I've mentioned that. Yeah, you wanted to get clean and then leave clean. You wanted to leave the gym clean. I wanted to leave the gym as clean as I could. In many ways. In every way. In many ways.

And you wanted to wear shoes out. You did. Thank you. Yes. I didn't want to be shoeless. Jim Jackson. Oh, hell no. Don't want to be shoeless Jim Jackson.

Oh, hell no. Street. I don't. And I wasn't good on that day. I'll tell you that. Not that day. So I tried to leave as clean as I could So when I jumped into the shower

I took my shoes off And I went right to the shower right away Did I notice any other shoes around? I didn't Okay Alright Could there have been other shoes next to mine? Sure

Does that also No I was gonna say Does that also mean that I could have Put on another person's shoes And then realized that they weren't my shoes But no because my shoes were already gone yes i answered myself could this be that guy's doing i don't know i gotta ask benji you gotta ask him yeah i'm surprised that you never did ask him you know like hey was that an accident or was that on purpose now i

suppose it doesn't matter because you're great friends anyways. Yeah. So I guess who cares? But I don't mean it, you know, in a dismissive way. I know. I assume when you hear who cares, it just. I guess there isn't. Is there a good way to say who cares? No, I think it's, it always comes off a little mean.

I guess it does. I guess it does. Okay, I'll make sure I don't use it again. Especially as a podcast host. But I'll ask him. I ask. Here's what's interesting to me, is that this story that you've just told us, Benji,

it is both a neat cute and an origin story. Yes. Those two are never the same. Oh, that's interesting. When you think of the story of Batman, you know his origin story. Terrible. His parents get shot. Pearl necklace falling.

But he didn't like meet someone that became his friend for life. Like a girl, like immediately. Right there. Oh, hey. In the alleyway. Exactly. Hi. She wasn't carrying some papers and tripped and dropped them. Can you imagine if you were a child, you saw your parents being gunned down the street and you hear somebody say, hi, and drop papers?

I should have mentioned the papers, Burns. Paper. Well, that's true. That is a really interesting point, Burns. And so, oh, what's going on? What's going on in there, Benji? What's going on in that big head of yours? I just...

I hear the wheels turning behind that napkin. I feel like I'll ask him. He works at Big Lots, too. Oh, wait, you got him a job there? I got him a job at Big Lots. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know.

What does he do there? He's the front cashier. Oh, Roger. Roger, yeah. So, you know. What does he do there? He's the front cashier. Oh, Roger. Roger, yeah. Benji. Benji. But yeah. So, wait.

So, if we just sort of sum up, you are not going to take other people's things off the yard anymore. No, I'll actually. You're going to deliver everything back. You have to give everything back everything back yep you're not going to break in any more foyers don't break it in any more foyers or in mudrooms yeah i mean that was the hardest part i will be i bet i bet and i just think you were just doing uh too much work when you really didn't need to be doing uh any of that at all at all at all yeah uh so fantastic if you're listening and you're missing a gnome or a flag or a bike you will probably find it on your front step i don't want to put you on a deadline here but yeah but at this point i mean swing by big lots you know where it is oh that's right that's

where i store the things if you're missing just go into the back storage room. Just take a look. This is all wrapping up very nicely. It really is. I mean, this is satisfying. It's satisfying. It's very satisfying. That's exactly right. Yeah. All right, well, Benji, thank you.

It was really nice to meet you, Benji. What a treat it was to have you on the show to facilitate this moment for us. It was great. But you're going to return all that stuff. Yes. Yeah, okay. I will. Or you can come grab it. Oh, yeah, you can come grab it. That's right. You you're going to return all that stuff. Yes. Yeah, okay. I will.

Or you can come grab it. Oh, yeah. You can come grab it. That's right. Anything, any final sort of words you want to give? Anything you want to plug? Yes, there's a 40% off sale at Big Lots for... Storewide? Storewide. That's huge.

We're getting ready for Christmas already. Oh, sure. Earlier and earlier every year. Yum, yum, yum. So, you know, we're skipping Halloween altogether. We're getting ready for Christmas already. Oh, sure. Earlier and earlier every year. So, you know, we're skipping Halloween altogether. We're just going. You're skipping. Wow. That's what it's come to. That's extreme.

That's extreme. Wow. We've noticed that there's a lot more Filipinos in the area and that they start celebrating Christmas around September. Fair enough. Really? Okay. So we started doing all of the fall stuff in May.

So now we're, you must love that. Then it's fall and spring at the same time. Are you at the store? It's amazing. I, part of it is my doing and, uh,

and I appreciate it that people, uh, like it, but it's 40% off now. All fall, uh, decorations. Well, I'm going to have to come by. I love a good, I love a sale.

Yeah. Gotta go to Big Lots. Gotta go to Big Lots. Gotta go to Big Lots. Yeah. We, you know, we started the Cinnamon Brooms before, you know, Trader Joe's. Did you? That's true.

I read that. Cinnamon Brooms, the original Cinnamon Brooms. Original Cinnamon Brooms. Hey, can i ask what what is that because i've never really known it do you eat it do you display it i think you simply display it and it makes your home smell like cinnamon okay what babe it is a broom uh i'm not sure it's a practical broom. I'm not sure it would do a great job. Although I suppose it would be like many early rudimentary brooms, which was just stick bundled together. A stick with twigs tied to it.

Yes. Yeah. That's what it is. Bunch of sticks tied to another stick. Yeah. Back when your house had a dirt floor. Yes. You're like, oh, I better sweep up in here.

Just push these pebbles. Push these pebbles. I'll clean up this trash with this other trash yeah and the cinnamon broom was boring smells nice sure does it does smell nice well I will come and get a cinnamon

cinnamon broom and maybe I'll see you Jeff maybe I'll see you, Jeff. Maybe I'll see Benji and Benji. Yes. Right, the two Benjis. Okay.

Forget it. Forget it, the two Benjis. It's Big Lots. The ending of the famous movie. All right. Well, we thank you for being here, Benji. Of course. And we will have more when the neighbor listen returns.

This is Barney. And I have a Lang skinfold caliper. You can see it in the picture. If you know what this is, it's yours for free. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. Wow. Yeah, wow. That was, well, that was, like you said, satisfying.

It really was. Yeah, it was a real ride. It really was. I'm glad, he seemed, Benji seemed. It was Jeff. It's wild that you knew him, that you knew both of them. I didn't know you spent so much, I didn't know you frequented Big Lots. It's so close to the pharmacy. And so I stop in there to get things all the time.

What do you get there? What do I get there? I'll get like, you know, paper towels for the year. Okay. The year? Yeah. How many do you need for the year? I go through paper towels pretty quickly. I spill things a lot. What? Do you do? Yeah. How many do you need for the year? I go through paper towels pretty quickly.

I spill things a lot. What? Do you do? Yeah. Sometimes I'll use them as a plate. You know what I mean? If I'm not, why dirty a dish? I hear you.

You know what I mean? Just like a sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you. You know, I love eating over the sink. I love it. Really? I love it.

So it's interesting because then you think if you spill a lot lot then you just spill right into the sink you don't have to clean up so much well but I spill other things oh what do you spill ink wax like I'm doing you know because I have a I have a pen pal and of course we started getting very fancy with uh doing the way

we were wax seals and I have a quill pen and everything. Who is this person, Bert? This is my friend Lorenzo. Oh. Yes. And how did this come about? Lorenzo and I have been pen pals since I was in seventh grade.

Wait a second. You never talked about him. No, because I'm so used to just writing to him. I guess it doesn't occur to me to mention him out loud. How often do you write? Once a week. Really? Since you were seven?

Yes. Have you ever met him? Oh, yeah. He lives here. Do you just hand each other the letters? We drop them off at each other's homes. Yeah. You know, because when I was...

Save on stamps. Oh, we save a lot on stamps. So much. Well, but he could use all that extra money to buy seals and quill pens and ink. That's right. Not sure he's saving money. When I was in seventh grade,

I don't know if you'll remember this, Joan, when we were kids. Oh, seventh grade. I thought you said when you were seven. Okay, seventh grade. No, when I was in 7th grade I don't know if you'll remember this Joan when we were kids oh 7th grade I thought you said when you were 7 okay 7th grade no when I was in 7th grade we were not allowed to send correspondence overseas from Dignity Falls oh yes there was a lot of concern about the

war in Grenada and they really there was a pen pal embargo yes there was a pen pal embargo so Yes, there was a pen pal embargo. So they didn't want any secrets getting out about the United States. And so we were assigned pen pals in town, just kids from other schools. You know, just so that you could still have the,

sort of the fun of it all, right? Yeah, exactly. Who doesn't love getting mail? Of course, it was a lot of fun. And so mine was Lorenzo and we've kept in touch ever since. doesn't love getting mail of course it was a lot of fun and so uh so mine was lorenzo have you ever hung out sort of in real life like going to lunch or would that just be so weird we tried it once and it felt so weird right so weird it wasn't right so you like you had nothing to talk about you know what we ended up doing was we stopped talking to each other we started writing

down stuff on napkins oh my, my goodness. Yeah, yeah. That is, that's sort of sweet and strange. It was uncomfortable. Yeah. Well, I love that you have that friend. What a fun little. It's fun. Bit of a trivia I never knew about you.

Yeah, well. All right. Well, we have time for one more. And again, Joan, I urge you,. Yes, we have one more post. And again, Joan, I urge you, please do not get that total face change. I don't know. I don't think there's any other option. I think the big head solution.

There's no other option. I think the big head solution will work. I'm not sure. I don't want to have to speak into five napkins, you know, for anyone to sound like me with Benji. You don't need a total voice change. Yeah, you don't have to disguise your voice. I don't know if I wear a big head. But you don't have to disguise your voice oh i guess that's true yeah

but also that didn't disguise his voice we knew exactly who he was it was it was straight away it was straight that he had such a problem with it but your voice always sounds different to you when you're listening through oh gosh yes it's tough okay babe what are you doing in there what are you doing in there? What are you doing in there? I'm stocking the fridge. Oh, of course you are. Are you doing, oh, okay. I thought you only did cans.

You're doing beer bottles now too? Oh, beer bottles, carrots. Wait, are you putting carrots in your beer room? Yeah. Why? Well, you get hungry sometimes. Oh, sure. We're like, you know, carrots and wings.

There's nothing like when you're drinking a beer, like, oh, you know what would be great with this beer? The cold snap of a carrot. Oh, I love ice. Freezing cold carrot. Chips, get those away from me. Pretzels, give me a

carrot. Give me a cold carrot any day. Alright, we have time for one final post. This is from the recommendations section where people are either giving recommendations or looking for some. This is from Oon, U-N-E. I like that. Me too. Oon. Yeah, I like it. Oonay? Well, maybe it's Oonay. Oonay Oon. Oonay Oon. Are you singing a song? Are you singing a novelty song from the 50s? All right.

So Un writes, lizards in my apartment. For the past two months, there has been lizards coming up my shower drain. Why? I have no clue. I am terrified, terrified of these things. Tonight, I just saw one in my hallway. Is anyone else having this problem too? OMG, I can't stand it.

What can I do to stop them? Where are they coming from? This is horrible. Now I'm scared to walk around my house. I called the landlord and she just laughed while I cried explaining to her. Oh. War, can I do? Or war, does she need to do to stop?

I'm sorry, can I see what this, can you spell it? It says, it says W-H-A-R. Okay, okay. War can I do or war does she need to do to stop these things from coming in here? And yes, I'm upstairs unit.

And that's it. And that's it. She, Oon, they want to know, how can I stop these lizards from coming into my house? Now, here's the thing. We do have, for some reason, there's a lot of lizards this year. Yes. And we always have them, but we never have them to this degree.

Yes, there are a lot. They had to close down Fillmore. Yes. And there were so many. There were so many. You couldn't drive a car? It looked like the street was crawling. It did look, that was unsettling.

It was. It was very unsettling. Yeah, it was like a crawling street. Yes. And it made sort of like, sound, yeah. It was cute though. They were all doing the pushups at the same time. Yes, that was.

That was amazing. It really did look like a group prayer. It made me realize there must not be any females in there because that's to attract a mate. And they were all doing it. So it's just all dudes. Lizard Fillmore. Lizard Fillmore? Yeah.

I mean, it's just funny how that worked out. Because of Millard Fillmore. Millard Fillmore. And then all the lizards are hanging out on film. Our only president who's first name is in Ard. That's true. I think it's true. Hey, if it's not, please let me know.

Here's what I'll say about lizards in the house. I do too. I do too, Doug. I hope we get another. What would that be? I guess an Edward, right? Edward, absolutely. Yeah, that's what we would need. A Bernard. A Bernard. That doesn't seem likely.

Would that count? I'm not sure. Everybody calls him Bernie. Here's what I'll say about lizards in the house. Yeah. Of all the things. And this is your definitive take on the subject. This is my hot take.

Of all the things that can be in a house that are critters, that are upsetting, lizard is just really low on the list for me. Now here's the trick with the lizard. Lizard tricks. Jones lizard tricks. You swore you would never do this on Mike. We need a theme song for this. We really do.

You swore you were keeping this private and you were going to take this to the grave. Going to take you through the list one through six. This is Jones's Lizard Tricks. Number one. Oh, here we go. When you first see them, the reason I think they bother people is because you think they're a snake first.

Right? They look very snake-like. They're a snake-like head. So if you're just like doing a quick look and you see something, then you think they're a snake first right they look very snake like head so if you're just like doing a quick look and you see something you know then you think it's a snake if you're doing the first part of a double take if you're doing the first part of a double if you're just doing a take just a take then then you think oh snake it's a snake take snake take first you do a snake so number one is a snake take snake take first you do a snake so number one is a snake take right right number two uh double take and that's the relief part it's like oh it's not a snake okay so that's that's you know right okay number three okay now that we've realized that it's a lizard

not a snake and we're relieved, getting it out. Getting it out is tricky. Yes. Because they can disappear. And even though I know a snake. Which is all they want to do, by the way. They don't want any part of you. Right. If you come near, if you even look at them, they will run away.

That's right. Yes. And. That drives me crazy. But the thing is. Because you want to be friends with them. Yeah, I like chasing them. He likes lizards.

He just runs around after them. Oh, I remember. In a half crouch. And Joan says, oh, he'll sleep well tonight. And see, I won't. Because even though I know a lizard's not going to bite me, it's not like a mouse being loose, a roach, a spider. Yeah, they can't really destroy anything.

No, and they're not. They don't want to be in there. They don't want to be in there. And yet, they're going to find the tiniest, darkest area in your house that you can't find to hide. So it's still unsettling to know that there's something in, speaking of which, the twins still have not made their appearance yet.

Okay. This is, we're still waiting. No. Yeah. So, I mean, already, I think there are things in the walls waiting for me. You haven't seen either of them. Neither of them. No sign. No nothing. So

anyway, so that's the trick. That's the next trick is that they're going to hide. And I don't like that. What am I at number four? Lizards now, yes. Yes, here's number four. Number four, if you do get them, the body part thing, it's very upsetting. Just going to leave a tail behind. They'll leave a leg behind.

Yeah, yeah. Just leave pieces of them behind. Do they leave legs too? I don't know. I thought so. Maybe. I think it's just tails. I think It's very upsetting. Just going to leave a tail behind. They'll leave a leg behind. Yeah, yeah. Just leave pieces of them behind. Do they leave legs too? I don't know. I thought so, maybe. I think it's just tails. I think it's just tails. I think I just applied it to every appendage.

To the head. Escape from their own head. Is there any animal that can lose its head? Boo. Worm? Worm? Maybe.

Do they even have? We ask so many unanswered questions on this show. I know, I know. Well, it's fun to think about. We're here to keep you up at night. It's fun to think about. And if you're high, isn't that fun? Sure, well, I mean.

If you're listening to this and you're high. I should hope so. Think about worm heads. Think about worm heads, why don't you? Think about worm heads, why don't you? Okay, so what was that? Number four? Five, I think.

We're on five. We made it to five. Five of lizard tricks. I will say. Are any of these tricks, by the way? The first one was just look at it. And the second one was look at it again. To be fair, I said this is the trick with lizards.

Just meaning that they're tricky to get out of your house. Oh, I see. But, but, but. Lizards are playing the trick. The theme song. Lizards are the tricky ones. My impromptu theme song turned it into lizards. Made it seem like these are helpful hints.

If you have a list in your home here's what you do first look at it then look at it again then it will leave a body part behind then it hides in a dark corner you let the two mixed up it's true i'm so sorry oh don't get the wrong order of these tricks number five is trapping it right yes because if you if you try to grab it and it leaves behind a tail, you still have to get it. So then, you know, and it can be a very long process, you know? It can be a very stressful process. Well, you're not going to get it.

Let's just say that. You're not going to get that lizard. And that's number six. You're not going to get it. Yeah. The lizard's going to find its way out eventually. You'll find it dead. Yeah.

Or you'll find it dead. Yeah. I tell you what though, I would rather have 1000 lizards in my home than a single cricket. Oh, agreed. You will never find that cricket. No. Even though you swear you are standing face to face with it. Yes. It sounds as if it's sitting on your nose. Yes. And that thing nowhere to be seen. It's like you hear the noise, you get closer to the noise and then you feel like the noise is right inside your head. And for all you know, the cricket, like a cartoon, could be sitting on top of you making the noise.

Yes. But I recently had a cricket in my home, and it went on for days, and I looked up how long crickets live, and it's 90 days. No. That's too long. That's too long. That's too long. For an animal that makes that noise.

Yeah. And I mean, I guess that's just dying of old cricket age is 90 days. No. That's too long. That's too long. That's too long. For an animal that makes that noise. Yeah. And I mean, I guess that's just dying of old cricket age is 90 days. All things being equal. Yeah. I mean, maybe they starve to death sooner than that. Or I suppose there could be foul play. Does each have 90 days to get someone to learn their lesson or to help someone become a real boy? Yeah.

Cricket. What are you talking about, babe? Babe, you're drunk. I'm putting ideas together. How many beers have you had? He's been in that beer fridge for a while. I mean, this has been a while. It's not the beer, it's the atmosphere.

Okay. That should be the sign of something. I've heard that excuse before. Well, listen, all I can say is next week, by next week, I hope the twins make themselves known. This is Matt and Goliath. And Goliath, that's right. And I sure hope that they put me out of my misery

because if they take too long, they're going to come back out. They're not going to recognize me because I'm going to have a total face change. No, Joan. Joan. i'll think about it i will think about it stay tuned in the meantime uh uh we we wish you well yes thank you so much for listening and uh if you'd like to hear ad free uh uh versions of the show you can uh sign up at uh cworld.com. I don't know what that stands for, CBB, but There was no way to find out. It must be some community thing since we're on that network. I think so. Community

Community baby. Community community baby. You are drunk. CBB. Community baby what? Baby, the two B's BB community BB I get it community BB so go to communitybb.world.com

and hear ad free versions of the show alright well thank you oh boy that's the bonus room the bonus room where we do even more we have extra content that we're's the bonus room. Oh, and of course the bonus room where we do even more. We have extra content that we're calling the bonus room. Yeah. Like a little play on all the extra rooms I have in my house.

Right. And also on bonus room, the term in realty. Yes. Where that describes a small space that you can't do anything with. Right. It's a free week. Put anything you want in there.

It's a bonus room. Yeah. It has all your taxes from the last 15 years and an air hockey table. A bonus room. So, thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week with another episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Until then, goodbye. And bye.

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Eugene Cordero. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free,

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