The Neighborhood Listen - Stop Sign Runner with Aristotle Athari

Episode Date: November 4, 2025

Something's in the air his week in Dignity Falls! Burnt and Joan go from eye contact anxiety to childhood impressions to the local phrase "face don't count!", and Doug reveals his latest architectural project with some help from a neighbor. We also learn the secret to the family nest egg. Later we meet Kěrn (Aristotle Athari), the subject of a recent NeighborhApp tirade about an "arrogant stop sign runner" here to defend himself.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock this episode and ALL seasons of The Neighborhood Listen ad-free, as well as full length exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Extra value meals are back. That means 10, tender, juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8. Only at McDonald's. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive. monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. Indignity falls. You're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app and us.

Burn. And Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in

To The Neighborhood Listen Welcome once more to the Neighborhood Listen, the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls Through the eyes of its many residents. I am one such resident. My name is Burt me a payday. I am the pharmacist and chief of the Dignity Falls, Macy, the state-of-the-art Falls Basie.

Pharmacy. Your indignity falls. There's only one falsemacy. I shouldn't say it's a state-of-the-art pharmacy that's named the false missy. Am I allowed to jump in here now? Everyone to know listening to home, he looked me dead in the eye that entire time.

He has not broken eye contact or blinked once. And you went on a journey in that intro. You know, I never know whether... There's a lot happening. There's always a lot happening. Especially when you do the intro. Indignity falls. You know, Joan, I never know if I should look directly at you

or away from you, when I look directly at you, it does seem we're not comfortable. But when I look away from you... See, really, I think we start... It really is strange. Something happens when we actually look at each other. So in case you just are wondering what it's like at home. At any time.

At any time. We very rarely make eye contact for a long period of time. No, even off mic. Oh, absolutely. This is what I mean, 100%. I forget what your face looks like sometimes. Well, it's a good thing I didn't get that total face change. But it...

Oh, John. I know. I know. But when I don't look at... For those of you that don't remember, I wanted to get drastic classic surgery because of all the reality shows

that were realtors. I mean, it's called total face change. By the way, my name is Joan Pedestrian. I'm the top realtor here in Digny Falls, but also a local actress because amateur actress sounded terrible. I'm saying don't add that part because... Okay, I'm just clearing it up for everybody.

They might not have been around the day that we decided that. I know, but they don't have to be. Okay. If you just, you just declare that you're a local actress. You don't have to say because... I am a local actress. I am a local actress.

I'm just getting it comfortable. I'm a local actress. I am a local actress. I am a local actress. I am a local actress. I, acerous. Arras. Um, I just feel like the, you know, I feel like I have to explain myself and I probably should stop doing that.

Yes. That I am a woman. I can't act my way out of that one. You know what I mean? Burns. Oh, yes. Anyways, and I looked right deep into his pupils. and that really, he almost fell backwards in his chair,

which is hard to do because they're very high back chairs. You did sort of lunge over the kitchen eye on that me. I did definitely lunge. I put a knee up. Hey, everybody out there, put a knee up. Hey, put a knee up. It's just one of the dig-me-fault sayings that we have here. It's like, tell it to the horse.

Hey, put a knee up. And put a knee up. That means get right in my face to tell me something. What I was going to say is, whatever, it doesn't matter. Everyone knows why I got the total, wanted to get the total face change because I felt like I had to compete with the reality show realtors. and you stopped me from doing that and I appreciate that.

You and Doug both stopped me from doing. We were very concerned that you were going to do that. But I didn't realize that you can sometimes forget what I look like. Yeah, because we don't look at each other in the eye very often. Like, what would you say is my main feature burnt? Face? Face can't count.

Face can't count. Another, another saying. I would say you have very... When people are trying to count on their hands and their toes, people in Denny Falls tried to use their face. They said the nose. It was little kids always on the playground. They go,

face don't count. And then it just became, you know. That it became a meme like, Are you old enough to remember face don't count? Oh my God. Can I just talk? Are you, have you heard of six, seven is burnt? You know, I have tried to ascertain what this is.

I looked it up. The explanation did not help. It's not satisfactory. It's not satisfactory. It says, here's when it's from. It's like, okay, but what does it mean when people say it? It just might as well as should say you're old and you're stupid, idiot. You don't need to know this.

We're not going to make it easy for you to figure it out. Don't get in your grave. Why would you be asking? What are you going to do with the information? You know what? If you need to ask, it's already over. It's already over. Yeah, yeah.

And you know what? They're right. It's true. They are right. Well, I'm going to incorporate it into my. But I'm not going to let you get away from answering this question. What would you say is my most memorable feature? I think you have very expressive eyes.

Okay. Well, that's a safe answer. I'll take it. Sorry, what's the unsafe answer? Everything else. You have a weird mouth. Everything else. Oh, you said it.

I know I do. Here's why, because you're smiling your frown. Oh, we're not going to get into this. No, I don't want to actually. No, when you smile, your mouth goes down. When you frown, your mouth goes up. It was very confusing when I was first getting to know you. Well, you know, I did.

You know, I kind of, do you know what it was? I thought, this woman hates me. You know where I got this from? I had a second grade teacher named Mrs. Blaine. And she looks like she sounds. And she would do that. She would say good morning and give you this. A straight upside down smile.

I wish people could have seen that. Well, it was an upside down smile as much as you, as you could. can do an upside-down smile. Absolutely. And I got kind of famous for doing impressions of Mrs. Oh, sure. I can see that. At that time,

impressions were a way of really sort of like marking your territory in grade school. They were currency. It was, your impression was your currency. Absolutely. How accurate are you in mocking these people? How accurate are you in seizing on?

If you had a strong Gene Stapleton from the family, oh, you could rule the school. not just edith but the actor's name and you know what no one knew what she sounded like so i just did a regular voice then i was like that's what she sounds like and no one argued little kids you would go up to you know your fellow little kids say you want to hear my jean stapleton impression and i go and i go waiter could i have a salad What time is the table read? Are there going to be bagels?

Jean always knew. Yeah, she wouldn't do this. Don't dismerch her name. I should. I was a poor choice. Don't besmirch her name. Don't be moved. This is a running theme.

We're always going to end up doing Elizabeth McGovern from downtown happy because it's just so damn fun. And listen, if you're not doing it, you should start doing it. You should get on the bandwagon. Robert. Why aren't you doing a little bit of an impression? Don't be smirged, Jane Steepleby.

She should be besmirched. She should be smirged. Hey, you know what? Those were the days. Oh, the day's Glamiller played. Oh, boy, the songs, Glammiller played. What if she did the whole song? Songs that played in Bury.

Gerole, LaCelle, red, great. Boy, boy, we had it made, didn't we? Down to Nebby, those were the days. Anyways, I will, I don't want to talk about my mouth because anyways, I think because of the impression that I started doing, it kind of, like, taught my muscles, you know, you know, the little thing of like, oh, you make. that face, it'll stay that way. And it really did. It stayed that way. Yeah, you can train your face to

do wrong things. You can train your face to do wrong things. It's absolutely true. Yeah. Babe, we haven't gotten to you yet. My husband Doug, he's always recording in a different room. How are you, babe? I'm doing good. I'm in the Potemkin Village.

Potemkin Village. That's right. Could you please explain that to us? I'm building an exterior to the home. Okay. Because it's gotten a little out of hand with all these rooms. Oh, do you think? You have built so many underground rooms. I'm so tired of it. And I...

And did you say overground? Overground. Overground. Is that a term we use? Overground? Above ground. Thank you. That makes more sense. An overground pool. It's so weird that we choose to say underground and not overground. But that's just me.

Should we say beneath ground instead? Well, we should choose one or the other. You know what I mean? I think we have. In both cases. Let's get back to the matter at hand. Okay, well... If that was your concern, consider it taking care of.

The house appears a little bit unruly, almost like a fairy tale house. It absolutely does. You know, patched on, you know, spires and stuff like that. Speaking of not... I didn't ask for spires. Speaking of not looking at things. You will go mad if you look at the exterior of this house for too long.

So I've built... I'm building an exterior... A facade. A facade, if you will. Okay. To make it look like every other house on the block. So for people that pass by, you know, the story of Potemkin. See, I am not familiar.

So I think maybe some of our listeners might need a little refresher course as well. A Potemkin village was a, I'm sure my history is accurate here. I'm sure. It was a village and they would take like the Russian, I believe, king or something through the river. This is already going to love. When he would be visiting. It requires a lot of footnotes. Well, now I have to start over.

Okay, babe. I'm sorry. Do you think, or whatever, it counts as a footnote? Like, you say the Russian king, then the last risk, then down the bottom, or whatever. When he'd be visiting his land. Hube. Hube. When he would be.

Oh, I thought he said Hube. His first name might have been Hubey. Oh, no. The most famous Hubey. Uby Blake. Hubey stank. Hubie stank, of course. Hubey in the bathroom.

Oh, my God. By the English speak. Okay. Let's get back on track here. When the ruler would be visiting his lands. Okay. Yes. Let's just go to ruler.

Let's see. Yes. There's been an edit. And the ruler of the. land would be showing the king or the emperor whoever I thought he was the ruler of the way I'm sorry let's not get

What his boss? You just got yourself way back in the Okay you'd have subdivision It would be like the mayor Like the mayor The governor Okay sure The viceroy

Let's stop there Let's stop there Yeah let's not wait in the vice rate I've always light to vice room Okay When the vice royal would be taking the emperor through and touring

his beautiful land They would put up a facade that made it look like a thriving village to cover up the decay and the grime and how falling apart the village actually was. So if you're on a riverboat and you're touring and you just see these beautifully painted homes, that's all you see. And so then the ruler would be very pleased. No, not the vice-loid. Okay. The emperor or the king. The supreme ruler.

The supreme ruler. Yeah. We would be very pleased with how his land is being managed. Now, this was to protect the job of the viceroy. Yes. Because if the king were to see this terrible village, he would say, well, this is your fault. Sure. I gave you this land to look over and now look.

His head might be gone. Now here's... I hope people are still listening. His head might be gone. It's an interesting way to put it. Then he would be... his head might be gone. That's a polite way to put it.

Now, here to four, my experience with the name Potemkin was confined to, there's a movie called the Battleship Potemkin, which I've never seen. Okay. Then there is the Potemkin steps, which referred to the sequence in the movie The Untouchables, with the baby carriage going down the train station steps. They referred to that as, because it's some. reference to the battleship Potemkin, but I do not know what the connection is because I've never seen the battleship Potipot. How the hell is this word spelled? Does anyone know? P-O-T-E-M-K-I-N.

It is. I just thought it was a cute, like a cute little story about a pumpkin. Does Mandy Petimkin? You said that. Does my neighbor? No, he's helping me out. Oh, hey, who are you? That's Jimskies. Oh, my God. Jimskis?

Hey, Jimskys. Can we talk to Jimskis for a little bit? Jimskis. Put Jimskis on the mic. All right, Jimskis, they want to hear from you a little bit. Hey, hey, what's going on? What's up, Jimskis? Well, you know, I'm a huge musical theater fan, so I love that you brought up Mandy Potemkin.

Of course. And I'm a huge criminal minds fan, so I'm also happy. Pronounce, please. I'm sorry, how is it pronounced? Babe, you're the one who said it. Jimskees, right? Jim, you? Gymniskis, yeah.

Oh, see, I wondered about that if it was a J-Y-M. It's Polish. Oh, wait, where does the... Oh, I see. It's Polish. Gymniskis. Jimiske. Jimiski.

Jimiski. Gymniski. Gymniski. Maybe we don't need to do the accent. That seems like it might be slightly offensive. No, actually, I felt like very at home. Oh, good. Jimiski.

Jimski. Jimski. Jimski. And he was telling me about the, um, the Potemican Village story. Earlier, yeah. Oh, is just where you got it from? Yeah. I thought from Gymniskees.

It's from Gymnizkis. Okay, that's better. Okay, that's better, baby. And Jimiski, how do you and Doug know each other? Yeah. We went to middle school together. Is that so? That's right.

Yeah, yeah. But that's it. And then we just lost touch for like 10 years. I see. When did you just? For 10 years? You just reconnected. No, I had to go back to middle school after high school.

Oh, oh, I forgot to. We forgot to mention it. I can't believe it's never come up. I can't believe that. I had to. wait for him. We've talked so many times about your son's having to go back to kindergarten in their 20s. You get in their 20s.

Yes, that did happen. So, you know, I guess maybe it's genetic. I don't know. When I didn't even think about that, I didn't even, you might be right, Jimskis. Confirmed by Jimski that it is a genetic condition. His fruit is not too far from where it came to the top of the tree. Oh, I see. Maybe that's saying just there's some loss of translation moments there.

But, yes, it is true. The fruit is not far from the tree when it comes to my... Where it came from the top. My twin boys. I mean, of course, I'm talking about my twin boys, Matt and... Cordillamere. And cordillamere. And, yes, when I, you know, I was ready to get married to Doug, and I wasn't even

going to go to college, you know. And I said, well, he said, I have to go back and do middle school. And I said, well, I'll wait for you. Oh, like he's going to prison. It was like Legends of the Fall, you know? It was like where I... Boy, I have no record. Also, Doug had, Doug had that Tristan Brad Pitt hair.

Oh, I remember the movie. Brad Pitt has long hair. Let's do Burns three things. Okay. And this is not a movie podcast, but this always comes up. We're not a movie podcast. Brad, he usually gives us the three things he remembers from a movie that he just claims. Otherwise, he can't remember anything else. Brad Pitt has long hair.

That's correct. Anthony Hopkins. Yes. Uh, Julie Ormond. Yes. Very good. That's it. Nothing else.

The whole movie takes place outside. That's in my memory. Yes, in a way, whether it's World War I or Montana. Was there a bear involved? Yes. That is how Tristan dies, and it's just this kind of... Oh, no. I'm sorry, Jim Skis.

Oh, my God, I see him running out the window. He's so mad. What did you guys say? I'm so sorry. I assumed it was safe to share the ending of legends in the fall, but I guess Jim Skis has not seen it. We didn't know he was still listening. I'm just up on this ladder.

Cheers, guys. He's gone. Man, he can run fast. He was mad. Oh, my gosh. Well, okay, I guess we'll just have to hope he comes back, babe. But I just have one question before we move on. Is the facade, see, I picture like a theater drop, like where literally it's just a painting, a one-dimensional painting.

It's one-dimensional. But no, but that's so obvious. You're not doing like a little model, like, of actually, like, kind of 3-D facade. like, you know, Harry Potter World at Universal Studios or something? You know what I mean. I do know what you mean. Well, if it's 3D, you know, how much of a D do you want on that third D? Because that's...

My husband has been asking me how much of a D I want. That reminds me in my middle school days. Which ones? I used to ask you that. No, because if you have a... Have you ever seen like the way, you know, Iron Maiden or whatever with tour in the 80s. This is your go-to?

Babe, if you're asking me the one who just gets excited about a Bandy Patinkin reference, I don't know Iron Maiden. I try to show you that YouTube of Iron Maiden. I know you did. Emphasis on Tried. I can't get into the heavy metal. I just can't. It's too much noise.

It was a lot of good history. Eddie was the name of the skeleton? Eddie. Yeah. Well, he's sort of a zombie. Zombies. Yeah. Mascot.

Okay. Anyway, they would, they had a sort of Potemkin village situation for their martial amps. Okay, but was it? Which were in terrible just repair. But they didn't want you to see the real settings. Otherwise, the viceroy is attending the concert would have been upset.

I gave you this concert to govern. Now you, what is it? Now you must not have your head. Now your head goes away. There's got to be a faster way to say that. What's another preposition we could be? But anyway, so you know, if it's a. If it's 2-3D, then you're just building another house.

You're not the thing. We're talking about just literally just the basic, you know, you don't have to build anything behind it, but it's been going to be very obvious. Right, but if we walk past our house and it's just all flat, it's going to be so obvious, I think, babe. Like, where are you going to, are you just going to, where you're going to hang it from?

Do you want it to be like one of those paintings where the angle you're at changes? To be clear, I don't want this. To be clear, I don't want this at all. I don't want to have to look out my windows and just see, I guess, a canvas without the sun coming in? The house will finally look the way you always dreamt it would. Is that true?

Flat? You think I just wanted it to look fake and flat? Well, no, if you're looking at it, I'm going to do shading and stuff, so it looks like it has depth. Are you much of an artist? I'm not sure what this line of questioning is coming from. I'm trying to

This is kind of This is kind of a big, I'm sorry, maybe. All I do is try to take care of my family, put food on the table. Oh, give me. Food on the table. Also, I don't have a job. Exactly. I don't need one.

I made a comfortable nest egg earlier. Earlier, just like earlier this morning. People don't know this. I guess we've never gotten into this story. We've never gotten into Doug's nest egg. Doug made quite a tidy sum early in life and then has not had to work since. I invented. You know when you're putting together like

IKEA furniture IKEA? When you're putting together IKEA? IKEA. You know those little wooden pegs? Yeah, the dowels, little dowels are they called? Yeah.

See, it used to be called a Doug peg. It used to be called a Doug peg. Yeah. I came up with the idea for that. The idea for it. How did you? You said somebody should make this. So, yeah, I was.

So to be, to be clear, you yourself did not fashion this tiny piece of wood. They're just the idea, but it was enough to make him millions. What I did was I had a little hole. I needed to fill. I was constructing a thing for the house. And I had some baby carrots I was chewing on. And I took a look at the baby carrot. And I was like, you know what?

That fit right in the hole. Yeah. He's taking us through it, step by step. And then I copyrighted the idea because you can just send yourself the copyright in the mail. That's right. If you send it to yourself. Yeah. Stends up at any court.

So on the little baby carrot, I wrote. But you weren't imagining that you would actually still use a baby carrot, right? Please, babe. Like, you imagine it. The shape and the design function of the baby carrot. Okay. By the way, so is why several of our pieces of furniture

have been held together by baby carrots for years. Yeah, and the integrity holds. And Doug will try to use it in many ways to like fix things. Yeah. You know, like he fixed my car with a baby carrot.

The baby carrot actually is better than the wooden peg because it has a slick surface almost like a lubricant. You know what they're sort of slippery? Yes. You know how they're sort of slippery. Do you mean wet?

No, sometimes it's more viscous than that. It's a beautiful texture. That's enough time. I'm going to stop at a different market. I wrote to Doug Love Doug on the baby carrot, sent it to myself in the mail. It's mine. The idea is mine. That sounds more like you copyrighted baby carrots.

Which I don't think you could do. I don't think so. You didn't put down any notation, this but would? Yeah, this but would. That's what I'm looking for. I had it stuck in a little. little thing of wood. That doesn't make any sense.

We've been a little thing of wood. It's a little square. Babe, it's round. What are you talking about? The square of wood. I'm sorry. The hole is round. The hole is not wood because it's a hole.

That's nothing. That's called the lack of wood, you know? And so the square of wood. That's called the lack of wood. Perfect. That's called the lack of wood. How hard is it to get your head around this? It's a term for it.

Square of wood has a whole of a lack of word and you put the baby carrot in and you write yourself and you know yourself and it's mine and you're welcome because let's stop talking about this immediately. Please put July apie through college. A lot of good that did us. She's on a ranch in Australia now. That's right. How is she doing by the way? She's all right. I have one more thought from earlier.

I'm sorry. Okay. We spent a lot of time. I'm up on this ladder and I've given you a lot of time. Doug, let's clear the board. What is your final thought? My final thought, going back to earlier, about the total face change. Oh, gee.

Oh, wow. All the way back to the beginning. I was thinking it should be called drastic surgery instead of plastic surgery. That was worth it, right, Bert? Yeah, I think so. I'm going to go back. I could mail myself that. No, please.

Why don't you? Can you reach your phone? Did you call your friend and have him come back and see where he went? Jim skills. Jim skills. See if he could come back and let you off the ladder? If I see him again, I'll wave him over. Oh, my God.

All right. We haven't even talked about anything. We gave that whole section to Doug, which, you know, hopefully he's happy about that. I hope it satisfies it for a while. We'll never do that again. I'm not sure our listeners are going to feel about it. We should take a break. We're going for a little while.

I know. We're not even going to ask Doug how long we've been recording because it usually takes him forever. I have it now on. You do not. I do. This time when you're stuck on a ladder, this is the day. This is the episode you have an answer immediately. Doubting Thomas is.

Babe, you are in a strange mood today. I'm just going to say it. You're very combative, Doug. You really are. Have you eaten today? What about doubting Thomas's English muffins? No, no. Stop.

I think in collaboration with peeping Tom. No. No. You're just. This is good stuff. No, no. No, this is not good stuff. I think you need to get off the ladder.

I think you either have like altitude sickness or you. I think we've been going for about 20. 22, 23 minutes. This is too long. 25. This is too much. 25. We need to stop and get them off the ladder.

Yes. All right. We'll be right back with the neighborhood listen. When the neighbor listen. And we'll have guests. With the neighborhood listen returns. 10, 9, 8. The countdown is on.

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That's Uncommon Goods.com slash TNL for 15% off. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. Hi, this is Mary Lou. I have disposable vinyl gloves. I have four boxes of them for $20. Grease Monkey Pro cleaning, latex-free powdered, loose fit. Don't ask me why I have so many of these vinyl gloves, okay?

I was in need of them, and now I'm immediately not in need of them. Something came up. Plans did not go. as planned, the way plans are supposed to go. I need to get rid of these. I need to get rid of them now. I need to get rid of them immediately. I have taken several pictures of them of all different angles that are completely unnecessary

because it's just vinyl gloves. Please come get them. And welcome back to the neighborhood listen. This is a, something is in the air today, Burns. Something that's going on with this episode. I can feel it. Yeah. coming.

You couldn't help yourself, could you? Had to do it. You couldn't. Have you seen that fun video where the goat climbs up and over the roof to the exact rhythm of that solo? I have seen so many versions. Isn't it strange that there are so many? There's so many.

Are they real? That's what I wonder about. I think they are. Okay. I mean, I don't know it's real anymore these days. You know, I can't trust any video I see. And it's the worst with Doug because he believes all of them. He's like, hey, look at this whale, you know, that swallows it untrue.

how your boat and all the people and someone filmed it. And I'm like, that's AI. They're scraping the barnacles off of it. No, they're not. That one's not real, babe. Look at this cat wearing clothes. And then he goes to the gym and his wife cucks him. That has a happier ending.

It does have a happier end. Oh, boy. All right. Let's get to our poster because this is a long one. Yes. As we do every week, we scour the neighbor app, the social networking application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting people in Dignity Falls to talk to.

and if you see one that perhaps we've missed, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at burnt and Joan at gmail.com. And I think this one comes from a listener. Let me just double check and make sure. Okay. And we appreciate that. Again, we do not have fans, but we do have listeners.

Yes. No, I think this is one we found ourselves. There's no attribution to it. Burnt is letting me read it. He never lets me read it. That's not true, Joe. I don't read these out. No, that's not true.

Byrne, you got so upset. He said about his chair to yell that. Sorry, I didn't mean to make your head go away. Oh, the famous thing that the queen of hearts would say. Okay, so here we go. This is from Kimberly, and Kimberly says it's under crime and safety. Kimberly says, arrogant stop sign runner. Just now I had an encounter with an arrogant little self-absorbed turd of a stop sign runner.

an arrogant substitute. Interesting that the destination is that this person is a stop sign runner, like it's this person's job. White male wearing sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap, parentheses, I know, I know. And you know what Kimberly, Jonas is saying, I know, Kimberly, yes, I know. We do know, boy, do I know. In a black, newer model two-door compact car.

He just sailed through the stop sign at Monroe and Pine, making a left onto Pine without even slowing down. and I yelled stop sign. I almost accidentally yelled stop sign. Obviously, he wasn't really in that much of a hurry because he had time to stop and said, did you say something to me? I said, you just sailed right through that stop sign

without ever slowing down to which he replied, everybody does it. You know, you do it too. I said, I absolutely do not. That's how people get killed. Then he told me to mind my own business. I told him, I live in this neighborhood, so it is my damn business. It's all of our business.

This behavior is epidemic in this neighborhood. And here to maybe, I suppose, tell his side of the story, we don't have Kimberly. We have the stop sign runner, the, as Kimberly says, self-absorbed turd of a stop-sight runner. I don't know if I would have included that one. I'm okay with it. Oh, okay. Oh, dear. Please welcome Kernster.

Am I saying that correctly? Kern. Kern. Kern. Cern. Say again. Cern. Close.

Okay. Enough. Close enough. I think so, yes. Okay, great. And last name? Surrensen. Sorensen.

Sorensen. Soranson. Sorensen. Now that took a turn. That changed. No, always this way. Oh, okay, great. All right.

I will take your word for it. So, Curran. Yes. First of all, thank you for coming here. We do appreciate it when someone comes on to maybe perhaps give their perspective or maybe we've, maybe Kimberly was wrong. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. Yes, we believe there's two sides to every story. And, you know, just because somebody writes it on the neighborhood, doesn't mean necessarily the way it happened.

Right. So can you tell us from your memory, what happened on that day? I was driving through the neighborhood and I just wanted to see if how fast my car goes and like normal people do. Sure. sure have you ever done that to just drive it just to see how fast it goes i can't say that i have have you burned it's not yeah i mean i mean i used to drive the nitro burning funny car that is true and i was very aware of how fast it could go yes i would not open her up on the streets right right especially in an in a residential area which this is the best place the best place to do it

now why is that yeah why because there's you're usually the only car in that area oh yes i have Most of time, most of time you're usually only car there. In a residential area? What time of day was this? What time of day was this? When everyone is at work. When everyone is at work? And what do you do for work, Kern?

I sell cars. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. And what kind of, do you sell specialty cars or just a regular old car dealers? Mostly Euro. Okay. Mostly European cars.

Anything blonde, really. So like a citron? Citrone or maybe like... Pujo? Definitely not. Rano? Huh? Rennel?

Something is wrong with your friend? Somebody get in tissue, maybe. What are you trying to say, Burt? No. Like the actor? R-E-N-A-U-L-T? Oh, there you go. I think that's right.

I think you had it right. What did you think I meant? what's that guy's name the French actor Jean Reno thank you Ah leon I thought you were saying Renault I thought you were saying it like that

Just for fun I thought you were saying it for fun Ford Cortina Do you sell those little nose cars I call them that look like little noses Driving our own boys They look like a nose You know those funny little cars they drive

I don't know what you're talking about honey Is this from the busy world of Richard Scarry Yeah I think that's exactly what you're thinking of There's like there's little cars and they look just like a nose and you drive around. You keep saying it, but it's not getting any clearer. If you think you're describing it differently the third time, you are not. You got it. What all looks like a nose?

Nothing. Except these cars. Okay. Kern, do you know what he's talking about? Have you figured it out yet or not? I don't. I think we shouldn't get lost in the weeds on this. Yes, yes, yes.

So can I ask you what time of day this was? Okay, that's right. You said it was during, I'm assuming. When everyone's at work. When everyone's at work. So that could be anywhere between. nine and five, but okay. I'm going to remove this hair.

Oh, sorry. That's... It could be mine. No, it's mine. It looks like an eyelash. It's yours? It's mine. I have very long eyelashes.

Yes. And it's constantly falling out. Very, and they are falling out all the time. Yes. And yes, it has to do with my age. Let's not get into it. Sorry. What is your question again?

Okay. So, so I just actually want you to talk, in your own words, tell us what happened that day. You are driving. You're trying to see how fast the car can go. Then what? Go. Yeah, I was driving. I wanted to see how fast my car goes,

which is normal for me. And then I was coming to this area where there is a street and then the other street. What is this? Oh, intersection? Okay. And doesn't seem pleased with that explanation.

It's just a place where the car did like that. Okay. And, you know, I was driving and the lady said to me, hey, I couldn't understand what she was saying to me. Oh, what did it sound like? Just gibberish?

Yes. Okay. Great. Thought about it? And I said, what do you, what do you mean? What did I say? Do you remember this? Oh, yes.

Let's just find it again. Remind him of what he said. You said, are you talking to you? Yeah, I said, are you talking to me in my area? And she said, yes. And I said, what do you mean? What is wrong with what I'm? She said, dear, why are you driving past the stop sign?

Stop sign. So what? So you sell cars. But you're not clear on what stop signs are or intersections. I sell the dream. I don't sell how to live your dream. Oh, I see. So do you understand?

Or the rules surrounded the dream, I guess. Fair, I guess. How long have you lived in Dignity Falls? This would be my 24th year. Really? Now, I found that, I found that surprising, Burt, did you? Because I thought he was going to say maybe. A couple hours.

Sure. Yeah, I was very surprised by that. You have an interesting name that doesn't sound like a name. I normally hear in Dignity Falls and an accent that I normally don't hear. And I just wondered, did you move here from someplace else or where is your family or your culture originally from, you know? Do you know? I don't think it's very safe for me to say in this political environment right now, to be

honest. I'm going to stick it to myself. But let me say, let me, let me, let me, let me, you know, you know, are you Scandinavian? I mean, isn't that okay to talk about this? Well, what do I look like? well to me honest you you look like um i had this book i had this book about um this this amazing swedish fairy tale and it was about this man who would um would steal your dreams if they weren't interesting enough was it bruggenharman yes yes wait you look like the drawing of bruggenhamen in my book

yeah and it was a Swedish book so that's why i you know i have some Swedish relatives and and and and this book would haunt me at night can i can i'm not i'm not familiar with the story Okay. He would steal them if they weren't interesting enough? Yes. Who cares that? Well, I do. If you're having boring dreams and somebody takes them away?

The child doesn't think the dream is boring. The child doesn't think the dream. And he would replace them with things that he, with horrible images, you know. Oh, that's not good. Yes. Well, yes. I didn't describe it completely to its fruition. Yeah, you didn't.

Sounds like Freddie Kruger. It's sort of the opposite. I don't think Freddie Kruger stole anyone's dreams. died. The kids, kids never died if, if, you know,

they ran into Brum and hunger, like, you know, but if they continue to have those dreams, they would die from boredom. So that's the idea

is you take these ridiculous, bored, you know, stupid dreams. And you, hopefully you inspire them to have very,

so he's doing a service. Of course. Bruggenheimen is trying to make your dreams more fantastic. Yes. And I will say that

the main boy in the story does end up, I mean, that, I guess that is the lesson because he ends of having a dream about an amazing car.

Oh, That's interesting. Thank you. Even another weird. Wait, what? Huh? Oh, wait a minute. Are you, this is a fairy tale?

Are you saying you're that boy? Because the boy, burnt, the boy goes on to design. He has a dream about this amazing car, designs it. And it's a, it's how they got the Volvo. Doug? Sorry. It's not a nose car. I really, we have to.

You know what? Smart car. That's what it is. Smart car? I knew. You know the smart cars? Yeah. Smart cars.

You think they look like a nose. You're not wrong. wrong. Thank you. Well, now I have to look up smart cars. No, you don't. I do. You really don't.

Why don't we table that for now? Fine. Okay. Let me see. All right. It looks like a tiny nose, yes. Doug has sent us all a photo of a smart car. Right here.

I get what you're saying. I don't know how he got your number. I get what you're saying. So wait, are you saying you actually that boy? That doesn't make any sense. I thought this story was hundreds and hundreds of years old. No, I'm not saying I'm the actual boy. Give me break.

Oh, wow. Okay. You're the one is saying. They're saying Bruggenhammer is still active. No, no, the boy. Oh, I think that he was claiming to be the boy who goes on to Invent the Volvo. I know what you were saying. Oh, wow.

You know what? You didn't have any trouble. Look at me in the eye at that point just now. Woof. I'm saying if he's not the boy, then that means that, is it Bruggenhammer? No, but Bruggenhammer is the name of the sort of the character that steals the dreams. The boy's different. The boy's not named Bruggenham.

Joan? Why are you talking to me? You're talking to me the way that people talk to women when they say you're getting out of control and then it just escalates the situation. I'm feeling very surrounded right now. I'm feeling very surrounded right now. Can I ask you questions? Yes, please.

Okay. Can we turn table? Sure. We can turn table. We can turn table. We can turn table. So, for example, you know, like when you're working, you work at pharmacy? Yes, I do.

So is there ever time where people bring you? what, you know, maybe two prescriptions for the same, you know, narcotic drug and you know that they're trying to double dip? Yes, that has happened. And how often, what do you do in that situation, when they're denying that they're doing that? I say, well, you've given me two right here. Yes. So obviously this is what you're doing. And when they say, I'm sorry, I think you're a mistake.

I say, what's my mistake? You've handed me two prescriptions for the same medication. Fair. Okay, let me ask you a question. Oh, no. It seems like you did that really well. I don't know how I'm going to do. Burnt.

Wow. I'm impressed. Because I was watching this. I was biting my nails. I didn't know what you were going to do. I thought he had you. I was honestly anxious. I was like, it can't be this simple of a question.

Watching one of those videos where Gen Z people debate each other. Similar. The Jubilee. Jubilee. Am I in the center of this one? What? Now go, now did you? No, Ben, I don't want to do it.

I was hoping we were going to move on from it. Have you ever been in a situation where you having to show a house and then maybe at the same time you have a very, very important audition you have to do where you have to dig deep and maybe talk about something that was very personal and maybe, you know, traumatic for you? I almost forgotten the question because it went on so long. Have you ever been showing a house but then at the same time you haven't auditioned? where you have to get very emotional.

Yes. There was a little more to that. There was a little more. It kept going. And you specifically said, I'm trying to help. Oh, my gosh. You wanted to go in for the audition in person,

but they said we were going to do Zoom, and it's like the same time as your open house. Well, no, because Dignity Falls players does not even have the technology for Zoom. So they never even would let that happen. But they barely have auditions. They barely have auditions. It's almost like selective service.

To be honest, I'm offer only. So I can't answer this question because, you know, I pick and choose what I want. want to do there. So no, I guess, would be my answer to your question. What was the last thing you were offered that you said, okay? Well, I did at all male version of Steel Magnolias, and I played the one male part, which is the character played by Tom Scarrett in the movie. I played the husband. Are you sure it was in? Absolutely positive. Is that what these pictures are from? Yes. So as you can see, I insisted on having a beard. And, uh,

I did a lot of training because I wanted to look, well, you know, I wanted to look like the tough guy. I'm the only masculine presence in the, in sort of the show. And because the men were, you know, they were also leaning into the characters. They were playing women. It was just gender reversal, you know. Of course. So it was all male, but they were playing.

That's right. And in this version, how was the word steel spelled? Oh, that's so interesting. It was S-T-E-L-E-Y. I know, but it wasn't. No, but it wasn't. That's not how it was. Why was it spelled that way?

Because they were trying to make a, like, they were trying to make a commentary on Steely Dan and how, like, that was about DIL-O. But they, not how you spelled the T-E-D. They didn't include the two E's. Yes, you do. S-E-E-L-O-E-Y. But you said S-E-L-E-Y.

I didn't write. Listen, I wasn't the one who commissioned the place. I didn't write it. Don't come at me. And the original was spelled which way? S-T-E-E-L, just steal magnolias. Right, like the idea being that, you know, these women from the South who are as genteel as a magnolia flower, strong as steel. Steal it, yeah.

I feel like this is leading to some sort of gotcha. Is that why you're asking this one? No, I just had this idea of making it into a heist movie and it's like steel magnolias. It's changing the spelling of maybe steel. doing a different version that's all that would be a good idea kind of like a very valuable flowers like an ocean's 11 but in the south and then you say it's a different word it's not I'm not right it's not copyright infringement no not at all it's fine and a tribute band named steel dan and a tribute band named steal dan well now we've really gotten so far far far away

okay so you're running through what do you want to know okay I made the mistake I would I cross a stop sign. I don't, I say a mistake here because I don't want to get in trouble, but I don't care. I get the sense from the post that you didn't care. So I was thinking you were coming on to explain a misunderstanding, but it sounds like she understood you perfectly, is that right? Yes, and when was this post made? Oh,

I don't remember. What was it? What does it say? Yesterday. Yesterday. And I did it again today. See, that's what I was wondering. That's what I was wondering. No lessons learned. No regrets. No Lessons learned. Your position, Keirn, is that...

Curen... Curene. Curene. Is that everyone does this. And you truly believe that everyone just sails through these stop signs? If they don't, they should.

They should. Come on. They're not going... It's a neighborhood. But you are going super fast. You're testing out how fast your car can go. This is correct. Okay.

Well, I guess I'm wondering now why yet is you wanted to come on the podcast because usually people come on because they want to sort of counter... They want to clear up and misunderstanding. But you're just to clear up and misunderstanding. just saying, nope. But aren't you tired of that? People are just trying to like, you know, make right? I mean, I'm not, because most of the time people come on and there's such a mess.

We can barely help them anyways. It would be a delight and a refreshing, a change of pace if someone came on and had a clear perspective that made sense and we could help them and we could help them spread the word. But it doesn't sound like you are going to change. It doesn't sound like you're regretful. What a child was crossing the street. You might have hit them. Oh, Karen, she's got you there. About a child? I'm not sure I do, but... I mean, most of the people here.

I mean, how many kids are in this area? Not a lot. You mean my area? Well, in that area, I know there's a lot of young families because they all have the little green man outside that, you know, says slow down. It's about timing. Did you see any of the green men?

No, I didn't see. I was going too fast. They called that area town Little Ireland because there's so many families with... Small people? Tons of kids. No, one's not. Yes.

I mean, look. I time it just right where everybody's either at school or they're at work or they're shopping for groceries. So when I'm going through the neighborhood, it's not really... Hold on a side. So you're mapping out all these different timelines of what people are doing with their days. That seems nearly impossible. You've narrowed it down to this is the perfect time to drive through stop signs because so many people are occupied doing these various things, hardly anyone's around. Please enlighten us.

What are the few times specifically in the day where that's happening and there's no one on the street? Specifically, if you go from 11 to 12. Really? Yes. Okay. And that's it. So just 11 to 12. Just 11 to 12.

Pretty much. I thought there were going to be like a bunch. I thought so too. So what time did she make that post? Oh, I can't remember, Bert. When was it? I'm not even sure we have the time on there. But how do we know because?

1159. Oh, whoa. So just under the wire. Well, listen, it could have happened earlier and then she got home and then she posted. Exactly. Yeah. But no, but she was she was typing it as I was there. So she was right.

It was in real time at that moment. Okay. So. You saw like in the rearview mirror, you saw her pull out her phone and start. Well, she was dictating while she was like yelling. So then Karen, wouldn't this fly in the face of your theory and your research? Oh, I'm sorry. While she is reprimanding. Yeah, yeah.

She's also then doing the little signs dictating this. She, yeah, she's trying to be very efficient and I understand. Right. So, but again, this goes against what you're saying, which is there is no one on the streets between 11 and 12. She was. Kimberly was there. That's so true, Joan. And what a great catch. And let me ask you a question.

If you're supposed to be somewhere. For example, if they say to you, hey, look, don't be in this area at a particular time and somebody is there. Who's in trouble? The person who's there or the rules? Again, I got lost in the moment. But who is?

She's the one that was wrong for being there at the time she wasn't supposed to be there. But no one said you're not supposed to be there. You, this is going by your rules of, not my... Yeah, there's no, there was no sign. There was no declaration made. There was no memo that went out. You know, this is in your head. You're just assuming everyone knows your schedule.

Not my schedule. It's everybody's schedule. It's not information that's not privy to everybody else. I mean, at this point, you say something and your phone is listening and then you look at it and then it tells you, you know... Hang on. Are you tracking all of these people? Are you tracking citizens to see where they are? Because how are you figuring this all out?

So, you know, for example, you say that, you know, I have, you've never heard of me. I've never been here for whatever, 24 years, but, uh... I didn't say that. I just said it sounded like it might be from out of town. We have a local application you could use on your phone, correct? Yes, the neighbor app. Yeah, that sort of, but there's a sister app that everybody also uses. It's like instead of Google Maps, we're using this.

Mm-hmm. What is, oh, you're asking me? You, I'm telling you, the, the, really? Remember that it's called the false map app. Oh, the false map. Sorry, I just didn't, you know. You know what? I forgot that was the name because most people just call it, where is everybody?

Sure. And if you look at that app, take a wild guess is who's the author of that application? Is it you? It's me. Okay, but that still doesn't put you in an official capacity to tell people they shouldn't be around at a certain time. No, but it puts me in a situation to know when you're supposed,

when you are in that area and when you're not. So based on societal norms, if everybody is either at school or work or shopping for groceries, then maybe you shouldn't be there. But, Cairn, yes. You did say should be and shouldn't be. That is not. I'll say they will not be. Oh, no. How about that?

Oh, no. He slammed his hand on the table. That was scary. I think he's about to take his shoe off. He's so much. They will not be there when they're not supposed to be there. No. Okay?

Wow. We have never had a guest behave like this. This is absolutely shocking. And you're right, Bert, it's the word should that is troubling. Yeah, I mean. You know, this is a free society. Everyone's allowed to come along. I'm being polite, yes.

Oh, oh. But that was polite. I'd hate to see rude. Me using the word should is being polite. Well, that's still concerning. Wow. So what would be the impolite words? Yes.

I don't know. These are brain games. I don't care not for. We're not playing brain games. These are brain games. These are brain games I care not for. I don't. You said that.

You said that. Okay. So first of all, we're getting all this new information. You develop up to this app. It's a great app. It is a great app. Everybody is. Credit work, credit is due.

Use it to find your friend. Use it to see where he is. Oh, Jim'skees. That's a good idea. So we can get you off the ladder. That app is nice, though, because it says, hey, no one's around. No one's around. Yeah, gun it.

You added that then, obviously. I didn't know it had that feature. Hey, no one's around. You can gun it. Dave. Doug, Doug knows his feature. Oh. And Doug uses it.

You know how I know? Oh. Because I'm the master of the app. I thought there'd be some privacy with that. Is there ever privacy with these things? Mm. Tushay. It's a fantasy.

There's no privacy. Abe, what is going on with you? You are out of your mind. Privacy, duchet. I know. It's almost like you went to middle school twice or something. Oh, well, you'd be surprised. You're closer than you think.

Okay. So here's what upsets me about it. Is that, okay, sure. Fine. Great. You're clearly a genius. You invented an app. Good for you. But just because you I sell cars, yes. Yes. And you sell cars. Where do you sell cars, by the? A dealership? Or do you have your own? Like, how are you selling them? I put listings online and people find them and they say it would, you know, it's like Craigslist, but, you know, but mine. Craigslist, but yours. Current list. It's like current list. You know, can I use that? Oh, well, yeah. What is your website as of now? It's on the dark web right now. But if you, if you're, if you're,

We have dark Facebook in Dignity Falls as well. Are you want dark Facebook as well? And dark Facebook marketplace. And dark Facebook marketplace. We also have Craig's demand, which is where you just have to give things. If you look at it, Craig demands something. And then you have to do it. They're all reasonable demands, but it is, it's inconvenient.

And he really follows up, but he's very annoying. And it's the honor system. Now, let me ask you this, Karen, speaking of cars, uh, the, the poster, Kimberly, identifies your car. is a black, newer model two-door compact car. Yes. Would you mind telling us what type of car you drive? Or you were driving at the time.

That was a gruin, two-door schlaupen, and was something funny? Well, oh no, babe. Doug, you're... Don't please stop. We don't want to set this guy off again. Stop. You'll have to forgive my husband. He'll laugh at the silliest things.

It doesn't take much to get him going. Doug, you really got to control. You just say, Farve-Gugan. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I will show you a picture of this car, Doug, and you tell me what it looks like. Ready? He's sending it to you.

Did you get it? Is it a funny-looking car? I guess it is. Doug, what does the car look like? Which part of the body does this car look like? Don't you dare say no's. Is it a smart car, babe? Looks like an ear.

That I'll take. an ear that's the schloopin yeah the schlooping part yeah it does look like an ear it looks like you're sitting the driver's sitting in the canal

and it's it's designed to move the air around quite efficiently it's aerodynamic I see okay it's aerodynamic I'm sorry I just thought that would be fun I accept your apology baby serious

oh don't you even dare get down off that ladder Oh, no, I think Doug has fallen off the lap. Oh, my God. Oh, no. I hope he's okay. We're not going to go check on him, just to be clear. Well, we're in the middle of an interview.

Well, I don't want to leave this man in my house. I'm terrified of what's going to happen. We have to stay here. I've been here. If you can hear me, babe, we'll come out in a second. I've been here before. What? Wow, what does that mean?

Oh, I told you something is so weird today about this episode. I've been to most houses here. Okay. What? What? Are you breaking into people's homes? Is it breaking in if you're not using it when I'm here? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely yes. Unquestionably. I think maybe he thinks sort of the accent and sane asking questions like that, you know, sort of like gets you out of it, but it actually doesn't. No, it doesn't. It just puts you deeper in it? Yes.

Yeah, I think so. I think so. I think you're looking at it like the difference between a burglary and a robbery and a A visit. Well, trespassing. Well, it's... Because you can't trespass. Just because you don't take anything doesn't mean you're not, you know, breaking and entering. A robbery is when other people are present.

You're robbing someone. A burglary is when no one is there. Right. Yes. Either way, it's a crime. It's called company. Hmm. I don't...

Just, I'm not taking anything. I'm just looking. What do you mean? Like, we had company while we were. we're gone. Is that what you're saying? You're the company? Because you said this is when people aren't there. Yes. So you're, I don't think you can be called company if no one else is witnessing your presence. No, I think you have to be invited in to be company. Yeah, like a vampire. Okay. Come on, everybody. Vampire rules because my name has a little thing over my, the A. That's right.

A numlaut. It's weird that he didn't know the word for that. It is. Like if you're writing your own name, you say, oh, then the little thing. My name is B-U-R-N, and then we make the cross. I have more questions that I've received answers. Please. No, I mean, I don't know where to start. Do you live alone? Do you have any family here?

Do you have a partner? I currently do live alone, yes. Okay. Were you, did you used to live with somebody recently? I, before, before then I was also alone. I plan on maybe not being so lucky. So you used to that timeline. You currently live alone

before that you also live alone. Yes. Okay. And the plan is to maybe not be that. Oh. To not be that. Maybe not be alone. Yes. So you're on the market. What do you mean by that? Well, are you looking for a relationship? Am I looking to be with somebody

in my presence? Let's say that. Yep. I entertain the idea. Okay. what are you doing about that what steps are you taking and be as elusive as possible I'm talking to people I'm driving in the area I am coming to like places like where the shopping goes

and I say let's stop it where the shopping goes and let's go back to I talk to people what does that look like like this so I know but where are you finding the people you going up to someone in a bar starting to talk to them. Is that what you mean? You go where the shopping goes. The shopping goes.

So how do you approach someone? What do you say? I say, let's play. Oh, you're going to have to, he wants to role play it, I guess. I'll be the person. Okay, you'll be the person burnt. Let's play the roles.

Is that you're going to suggest? All right. Let's play the roles of your person. Okay. No, it's just a staring contest right now. I don't know, clearly. I'm a very high value person. If you can't say something to me first,

and maybe I move on to the next. now okay is this you saying this to me or is this hypothetical you say to the hypothetical person I think the second I think second yes okay and then I guess I would be I would be somewhat intrigued if someone said that what would you say go ahead Bert I would say excuse me are you educated yes I'm educated I've I'm a college graduate where and what do you do for living I am a a chef But I know this to be a lie

Because you are you are working in pharmacy Do you see what they mean No no no It's already very hard You forgot that Bert was playing someone else Not a pharmacist We were playing the roles Just said he was a chef

Just because you play roles Doesn't mean you're not playing your role I mean I guess we all play a role In a certain sense Yes Okay so let's start again All right this time I know what to do Yes.

Okay. Do you know what to do, Kurt? I want to make sure you know what to do. I'm about to do it. Okay. All right. Do it then. So here I am at the place we're shopping.

Yes. The place we're shopping goes. Do you go to this place to do a lot to shop? Yes, probably on a weekly basis. I probably do shopping here. And are you shopping for yourself or are you shopping for the other people in your area? A bit of both. I live with my girlfriend, although currently she isn't hiding.

And then we finish. Wait, now, Burt, you were just being yourself just then. Yes, I thought that we were resetting and I was playing the role of myself. And in that situation, I would never say nothing beyond the first thing I told him to begin. Okay. Are you not following this? I guess I'm not. I'm so confused.

In this scenario, let's play, you play a person that is maybe not in the real. okay that's what I was trying to do before okay hello I'm already very unattracted to your voice all I said was hello and I say goodbye well for what I'm just shopping here do you shop here as well just staring at me I think you stumped him honestly I really do Nobody stomps me. Oh, no. Nobody stops me. Oh, please don't do it.

Oh, no. He's raising his shoe. Okay. Okay. Look, I think that... Okay. I think that voice was really bothering him. I think that was a smart choice.

Let's not do that voice again. But you like me. Are we still doing the seat? Yes. We're playing a roll. I mean, I'm deeply offended that, you know, as the local actors, I wasn't asked to play any of the parts of the, but whatever, that's fine. No, it's fine.

Good point. It's fine. That's a good point. Maybe he thought you would be too formidable an opponent. I don't think that. I'm not sure that's the case. Well, would you like to play the roles with Joan? Let's roll play.

Let's play roles. That's okay. Let's play roles. Now he's saying it the other way. Okay. I'm adapting, you know, over time. Anyways. Oh,

sorry, I didn't see you there. I was directly in front of you. How did you not see me? Because sometimes you can't see through trauma. So what, and this happened to you earlier today? No. I wish. Talk about earlier a decade ago. It's all right. I know what you're thinking. Oh, she's broken. Oh, I can fix her. Well, you can't. Okay. You can't. But I wish you would. I wish you would. And I just want to know, are you man enough to do that? Are you man enough to fix me? Keep going. Wow. Joan, this is incredible. I know. They hang on. You're going to get me out of character. Are you man enough to fix me. fix me? Well, I hope you

are because I just decided this is my last night on this earth if I can't if I can't find Amanda fix me. Then why do you have all these boxes of brownie mix in your in your basket? Because it's going to be

my final meal. How dare you? Five boxes of brownie mix? Yes. Yes. And you can judge all you want. But you know what this five boxes and brownie mix represents the five years of my life that my father and mother declined to make me brownies every single night that I asked for them. They said no. They said big girls don't get brownies. Pardon me. I'm just trying to get the butterscotch chips. Get away from me,

you monster. Oh, I'm so sorry. What are you? Some kind of freak? I'm running away. I would say in this scenario, she's maybe emotionally unavailable for me. Oh, good. That's what I was going for. Okay, yeah. Still got it. Yeah, yeah. I like that you opened with the one-person show gambit.

Sorry, I didn't see you there. That's okay. Thank you for that. I really appreciate that. Absolutely. Well, uh... Oh. Is that, are you pogo sticking, babe?

On the ladder. What? You feel off the ladder. No, I haven't fallen off yet. I managed to balance myself on it. And we're just now hearing this sound? I turn on the, on the sound for you. Oh, you turned on the sound for us.

Hey, Jimskies. I thought someone was having sex outside. Oh, he's chasing Jimski. What about the show? Gymski is probably up. Don't. Could you not run away from us? I see him.

Oh, my God. Okay. Chipskies. Stop the ladder. So wait, let me get this straight. You're actually wanting us to understand that you're jumping on a ladder and a pogo stick at the same time. I'm keeping myself up. If I fall, that's it.

No, I think that's the noise of the ladder pogoing. So he's on the ladder on a pogo stick. No, he's not. Do we have to discover this? He's using the ladder as a pogo stick. Burns got it. But that makes no sense. How could you do that?

Don't you. Elizabeth would govern me. You're right. It's my fault that I can't follow this logic. It's my fault. He's holding on to the ladder and he's jumping up and down. Yes, I understand that. Why are we discussing this?

Okay, fine. Did Jim help you? Did Jim help you? Jimskees. Oh, fine. Boy, that was a close one. It was a silent help. Thank you, Jimskies.

He grabbed it just in time, it sounds like. All right, Karen. You can hear me, Jim skills. Thank you for saving my husband's life. No problem. Oh, there we go. he was. Karen, you're a very interesting person.

I know. I don't know that we really solved anything here today. It seems like you are, you're unrepentant about going through the stop signs. You feel like you've done your homework and that you're not a danger to anyone except for this Kimberly person. Yes. Who, to be fair, did not say she was almost run over, but that she just noticed him going through the stop sign.

And she had a lot of time. And, you know, she said it many. times sailing through. Sailing through. Sailing through. As if there's not a care in the world, especially for your fellow citizens. Yeah. I guess we just, there's nothing really left to do here. There's, no, I mean, I think that Kimberly was right. How did she put it? You are an absolute turd. I don't, I don't agree. So you, you reject that characterization? Also, yes. And also, like, think about the word sailing, you know? Like, if you close your eyes and you think of sailing, it's not bad.

No, it just sounds nice. Sure, that has nothing to do with you driving through a stop sign though. I mean, those two things are true. But I was sailing through it. Just think about it that way. Sailing through the stop sign. It does sound nice when he says.

Doug is just thinking of the Christopher Cross song. I know he is. That's exactly what he's thinking of. I wasn't plowing through it. I wasn't rushing through it. It's true. I was sailing. How many miles an hour were you going?

78. That's not sailing. That's not sailing. It's a speedboat. You were speedboating through the intersection, okay? Speedboats are fun. The most obnoxious, burnt. What's the power of the wind?

Yeah, thank you. I mean, how do you think Columbus got here? Oh, boy. And what is today? Tuesday? Columbus Day. Oh, is it? It is.

I was not aware. It is Columbus Day. As of this recording, it is what we call Columbus Day. For now. For now. One last thing before we let you go, Kieran. Yes, of course. Is that Kimberly said you were wearing a backwards baseball cap.

You were wearing that same backwards baseball cap. Can you tell us or show us what the baseball cap says? Yeah, turn it around. John Deere. Wow. I didn't see that coming? I did not. We shouldn't because the color.

Black? Sure. It's a warehouse hat. What does that mean? For the warehouse team of John Deere. Well, Kiern, we usually say best of luck to you, but I don't want to say that to him. Yeah, I don't think. Please watch out for your fellow humans.

Did you expect me to come here and apologize? I expected you to come here and give us any indication that you were not the monster that Kimberly described. I'm here to tell you that Kimberly is the monster. Don't you understand? I don't. I don't. I mean, you'd have to bring more receipts. Beyond just you having what you feel is a, like just ironclad sense of when nobody's around so you can run through stop signs.

Yes. What makes Kimberly a monster? Thank you, Bern. In this instance. Repeat question. Why is Kimberly a monster? Because she went out of her way to make me look like a monster online. I don't really think she went out of her way.

She was multitasking. He said that she could yell at it and type at the same time. That's not going out of your way. But Joan, I think we're forced to agree anyone who posts online is wasting their time. They're going out on this app. They don't need to be. No one needs to be posting online at all. Oh, I agree with that.

That I will agree with. I think the evidence is in front of you to prove to you that the monster is really Kimberly and not me. For example, you said, what time? Did she post? 1159. 1159. And you were saying that she may have been posting or formulated the idea prior to 1159. No, I know.

What I meant with the inciting incident might have happened earlier and then she posted later. But you told me no. She happened. It happened. And then she posted in the moment. In real time. And so she was driving and texting at the same time. Do you know what?

I thought she was walking. I assumed she was walking too. Oh, the doctor was a woman. It's a real, the doctor was a woman moment for us. That's on us. That's on us. That, you know what, Joan? And I hate to say this.

We're the monsters. We're the monsters. Kern, we owe you an apology? Thank you. As Doug would say, tusha. We thank you for appearing on the show. Yes. You have taught us a valuable lesson here today.

I hope so. I mean, it was a circuitous route, but we got there in the end. I still think he's a little bit of a churn. Do you say zircuitus as in a circle? I suppose so, yes. Yes. Does circuitus mean a circle or does it mean just like all over the place? Well, I don't know. He said zircuitus, so I don't know.

Did you say circuitous or zircuotis? I didn't say either. Well, what do you, you said something similar. Wait, I was the one who said surcuitous. Correct. I did not say zircuitus. No, that was you. Circuitus means it comes back around as a circle.

Okay. I'm so sorry. You're fine. Okay. Well, I think we should. probably say goodbye to you. And you know what, Kern, we wish you the best of luck. We do. We have no choice, but I wish you the best of luck. I don't need it, but thank you. I knew he was going to see that. We'll be back with more of the neighbor listen when the neighbor listen returns with more of it.

This is Alba, Marigarigarita. Poker table free. Hello. I'm your new neighbor in Dignity Falls. I'm doing fall cleaning. And I have a poker table that I inherited from my husband. I would like to find someone who likes to play poker to have it. Or have the table for some other use. Let me know if you are interested or know of someone who might be interested to pick it up. I have the table outside of the curb. Can be picked up any time?

I don't know if you noticed that I said poker table in kind of quotation marks. Poker table. You get me? I'm winking at you. This is the album, Margarita. Again, um, poker table free. I'm waiting for someone to pick up the poker table. It's been an hour and 25 minutes.

This poker table needs to get gone. Do you know what I'm saying? It can't be out on the curb forever. It is a very obvious poker table. Wink, wink. Have America Rita. My tree poker table ad, learning to use this site, poker table at the curb free.

I need that poker table out of here. Do you understand that I need? You didn't get in before anybody says it. Wow. Joan, I mean, I am, I'm mortified. I am too. We really had him. I mean, we didn't have him pegged all wrong.

No, like I said, I still think there's a, the turd is still strong. Strong the turd is in this one. but that was a real what a twist yeah that might go down in our history our podcast history as a as a real moment where it turned on us it hardly ever happens it hardly ever happens you're saying because Kimberly was in a car that makes her wrong well he had a point that she wasn't wrong about him texting yes it's more who is she who is she to say he's doing something wrong that's right that's right Take the plank out of your own eye. Yes.

Yes. Take the cell phone out of your hand. He'll thyself. Okay. He'll thyself. Now we're just saying things. Speaking of heal thyself, are you okay up under the ladder? Would you please get off the ladder?

I thought you got off the ladder. Jimski's carried me back on the ladder and prod me against the house. Why are you back on a ladder? Why? Because I got to finish the Potemkin Village. You do not. I don't even want this. I don't want this, Burns.

Well, I'm already, I mean, I'm halfway through. I might as well finish. I don't know. Halfway, I think you could quit. Happy. I didn't even see what it looks like. I mean, I'm sure you could quit. I'm sure it would be okay. I'm a decent artist.

I think it looks pretty cool. You're okay, babe. But I mean, this is a whole. Wow. Well, it depends on the media. We're talking a gigantic painting. No, I know. I guess if I would be, if my partner said to me, you're okay.

How did you figure out how to make it to scale and everything, babe? I mean, like how are you figuring that out? I feel like we got to go back to therapy. Because I don't want you to put a Potemkin village up in front of her house. I don't know that that is grounds for therapy, babe. I think most people would be on my side. If you do go to couples therapy, will you record it for a bonus room?

Because, you know, that couple's therapy is a popular show. That woman is so famous. That woman's famous. And yet, I have no idea who she is. I've never seen. the show. I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. To be fair, she had shown up on someone's Instagram hanging out backstage at Broadway show and I had to look her up, but then immediately knew who she was. I think she was at O'Mary. I hope she had a great talk.

You know, everyone goes to O'Mary. Who's in it these days? Brian Boitano? Who's the latest person? Would that be incredible? Who's the latest random person? Would that be incredible where Brian Boitano was playing Lincoln? That would just be the best. I think we're a few years out from Brian Boitano. A few years out. All right. Um, uh, it's Jane Krakowski. Okay. And Cheyenne Jackson. Okay.

Who I love. Sure. Um, and I don't remember the other people. I feel like Chey and Jackson came up before in this podcast and I can't remember. No. That's not true. Is that true? No.

I mean, is it not true? Came up off Mike for a different reason. Ha ha! Well, I adore him. Sure. He's great. He was wonderful on a production at Pasadena Playhouse. I heard of La Caja Fall.

Oh, I heard about that production as well. Yes. I heard he was terrific. I heard everyone else was terrific. into two. Yeah, others. Others. I will say this.

It's funny, this is coming up because I'm just going to throw this in here. We can get into it later. But there's just been such a, such a hysteria about that play. Just such a real interest in it. Yes. And I was just thinking I could do a local one, you know.

And I was thinking, oh, it could be, oh, Joan. But it can't be because I have to be playing someone else. And so I was thinking that it could be, it could be, oh, Gretel, which is, of course, famously the wife of our first mayor here in Dignity Falls. Oh, wow. Also kind of, who was famously shot. Yes. And Gretel, we don't know a lot about Gretel, but we do know that she was reclusive.

She only appeared in public once. She only appeared in public once. Yes. And it was by accident. At his swearing in. Yes, she didn't know what was happening. She walked in on it. They had it in the house,

and she was just going through to get a snack. And this was Bert Clanson, who was the first Mayor Digny Falls. Mayor Clanson. And he is quoted as saying, what are you doing here? And they had to get back to swearing it. Take me.

It's funny because that became a famous, quote. Yes. Like as if it was to the citizenry, what are you doing? Yeah. And there's a famous painting of it. People use it as a call to action. What are you doing here?

There'd be a picture of him on a billboard pointing. And there's a famous other painting in City Hall of the moment. You know, she's in a nightgown. Yes. Because she was not feeling well. And she was. She was going to get some warm milk. got all the way out of the house

down to City Hall. No, I said it happened in the house. I explained that. Oh, no, you did. You did. In fact, I don't think it would have happened otherwise. You know what? That's a good point, Joan.

I guess in my mind, you know, I'm just like, just like I assumed Kimberly was on the street. It's true. I assumed that the mayor got sworn in a city hall. But that was the weird thing. I think there was a huge storm. Yeah. And City Hall very famously has that outdoor courtyard

where they were going to hold it. They couldn't do it. They don't have enough room inside. That's right. City, because City Hall is just, it's just literally four, four buildings that spell City Hall. So there's no real good indoor, a gathering room. It's four buildings that spell City Hall. It's eight buildings.

This is making less sense to me. You know, C, I, T, Y, H, L.L. Okay, all right. I've never seen it from the sky, so I guess I didn't know. actually no one has you're not allowed to photograph it from above everyone just says trust me trust us we're just supposed to believe it and you're supposed i mean this makes this gives you respect for mapmakers because um like from the earliest maps to get a sense of what a country was shaped like how did they do it i have no idea yeah i think about that a lot just get them on a big ladder babe

what do you think oh oh yeah you'd have to well you'd have to have come on You know, that I have to have a huge honor. Oh, wow. I just got, I feel insulted. I really just got reprimanded for that. People, what's really fun is to sit outside City Hall and watch the drones deactivate as they get into the airspace. I don't know what kind of signal they're sending out, but they fall like flies. It's really amazing to watch.

So anyways, I'm thinking of working on a little sort of, you know, ode to O. Mary, but it'll be O. Gretel. And maybe it'll be, oh, Gretel. Sure. I don't want to get in trouble. So I think I might have to change the first word. What about if it's like a Gretel? Oh. Oh, that's fun too. Gretel, like an M-Dash. An M-Dash.

Yes. Oomlau? What's an M-Dash? Are we playing password? I just wanted to say it because we've been talking about it with Kern. No, M-Dash is the when you do the two dashes. I didn't know that. It's called an M-Dash.

I thought it was called a double hyphen. I've never heard the term double-life Well I've said in front of a lot of people Double-life and what does this mean Who is that just now? Do you remember the double rainbow guy? Oh yeah

All the way Might even be a triple rainbow It wasn't though No he was He got he got he got his eyes got too big for stomach He was reaching for one Yeah he wanted to A lot of one more

letting other neighbors know about things going on in the neighborhood. Do you have one last post to share? Yes, I do, Joan. This is kind of a sad one, I think. Oh, no. This is someone named Paul. Okay. And Paul posts.

Oh, and this was submitted by Webcomings. Okay. Listener Webcomings. We already had someone. We had another. From the previous episode. Yes, we did. Thanks a lot.

Wait a minute. Oh. This is the same Paul. It's not the same. Paul. It is. No, it's not. It is.

I recognize the last name. We don't give last names on the show. Oh. I cannot believe we got three. Wow. This is the same Paul from the last episode. You're sure? Yes.

Anyone knows someone who had a bike stolen about 10 years ago? I know it's a long time ago, but if you did know someone, please post it on this web site. Wait. Well, that sounds like Ani, the other person who couldn't say two words together without a space. That's right. Wow. You know, are we, are we just getting through the entire town? Are we starting going to have like a repeats and stuff? I don't know. I, I mean, everyone's going to start knowing each other. Should I apologize to the listeners?

Paul is getting too many posts on the podcast. How do you know what's the same Paul? Because I recognize the name. He explained that. Well, but thank you, Doug. But many people can be named Paul. No, but because I said I recognize the last name where we don't give out last names on the podcast. Guys, you know what? This is just. too much, okay? It's been a crazy episode, and that man pounded my counter. Joan. What?

You're wrong. Just admit it. And it is your counter and Doug Scouts. It's our counter. Sorry, babe. Voluntary accepted. All right. I have a friend who sometimes, he's married, and sometimes his wife says in front of him to other people, refers to their wedding as my wedding.

Oh, wow. Oh, dear. Like, is a joke? No, that was a joke All right, so I don't know Is Paul the one who lost the bicycle? Well, I don't... Sounds like Paul found the bike

And knows it's stolen? I feel like he has had this missing bicycle for 10 years and passively, aggressively is saying Hey, Eddie, that's the worst kind of aggressively. Do you think that Paul has stolen this bike? I think that's what I'm saying. Well, no, I'm saying. his bike went missing

and now 10 years later he's thinking just trying to stir up shit Oh my god He really is Doug you're trying to drive a wedge I just had it We already can't look at each other In the eye

This is a problem No one could be less barbed than me Less barbed None of my words have had Such power Are you reading Shakespeare? What is yes It sounds like he's quoting from something

None of my words could have less power. But anyone knows someone. Anyone knows someone who had a bike stolen about 10 years ago. I know it's a long time ago. But if you did know someone, please post it on this website. Are you supposed to post... It makes no sense. The bike itself.

Exactly. I can't tell if he's looking for a bike. And it's not... Because why would he want someone to post about a bike they lost 10 years ago? Why in the world would someone ask for that? I really don't know. It's very... It's very...

I wish... It's too specific. and it's too weird. I wish we could have asked Paul about this. Maybe we'll have to have him back sometime. He's only looking for the person who knows the person. It's very weird. Not the person whose bike was stolen.

Well, I think that's, he's offering that as a possibility. He just wants something connected to Doug. Doug just, Doug. I'm done. You know what, babe. I think you did. You can just be done. You're acting like July apie.

He's acting like Julyope when she's in a bad mood. But you know what, Doug, I have to say. Doug is correct. What do you mean? I'm back. Anyone knows someone had a bike stolen? I know it's a long time ago, but if you did know someone, please put on this website. He's not saying if you had a bike stolen 10 years ago, I don't care.

If you know someone who did. Right. Then why? Well, that I don't understand because this person is a weirdo. You met Paul. Yeah, I met Paul. Yeah, so he's out of his mind. Yeah, super weirdo.

Yeah. Let's all drink. Let's all drink after this. You know what, Doug? Great call. Actually, you know what? We have shared that that a lot of times we just go straight to drinking after this. And this is a perfect day for that. After this, we should go out to DTF and just get absolutely wasted.

Let's just do it. Yeah, let's do it. Let's forget today. Okay. Let's forget today. Well, thanks everyone for listening. We're going to black today out with alcohol. If you would like to hear, add free episodes or to get access to our bonus room content,

go to CBBWorld.com. and sign up on the Maximus tier. And we will be back next week with another episode. And until then, goodbye. And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins.

And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Aristotle Athari. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to CBBWorld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to maxima subscribers your support keeps the show going