The Neighborhood Listen - The Cannon Ball Society with Lisa Gilroy

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

The Neighborhood Listen is back for Season 4! Burnt updates us on his engagement to Gabby while Joan and Doug continue their home renovations. Plus, special guest Dill (Lisa Gilroy) tries to explain why he is jumping fences across Dignity Falls.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Look out, Canadian listeners, this one's for you. Coho is a mastercard with an easy-to-use app that makes managing your finances easier. Coho lets you earn cash back, borrow, build your credit history, and so much more. Join over 1 million Canadians and sign up for your free trial today. Download Coho on Google or App Store today or koho.ca for more details. Plus, for any basketball fans out there, get a $75 e-gift card for nbastore.ca when you sign up with the promo code koho75. That's code koho75. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone.

You've got the NeighborHalf app and us. Bird. And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

Who would you? I mean, it's been so long. I i know i'm gonna say welcome back welcome back okay oh wait are you oh sorry i thought you i thought you were gonna say more to me before you said welcome back to the audience no i was gonna i'm gonna say welcome back you say the next part it was okay that's where i thought you were going but when you said i'm gonna say welcome back your voice went up and i thought there was be, and then you will say. Oh, boy. We are rustier than we thought we were, Byrne.

Rusty. We're rusty. We are rusty like an old bike left out in the rain. Welcome back to the rusty old neighborhood. Are we allowed to say that? I think we are. I don't know. Welcome back to the rusty old neighborhood.

This is the Neighborhood Listen podcast. It's a podcast. There was a questionhood Listen podcast. It's a podcast. There was a question mark there, but it is a podcast. It's a legitimate podcast. I did not mean for it to be a question. I think I was just searching for something else to say. You know what? It's become more than a podcast.

It's become a community, if you will. It truly has. And a lot of people, do you remember, some people are alarmed by it because you remember there was that satanic panic in the 80s. And now there's a few people here in our neighborhood of Dignity Falls who think that there's something a little, for lack of a better term, evil about our podcast and the community. Is that? Oh, wow. I need you to expand on that. Oh boy. Oh boy. Yeah. They're saying it's not right that the people who live in our neighborhood are focusing so much on the other people.

They think it's gossipy. They think it's rude. And obviously, we have the opposite intent. We want to share our neighborhood with other people. We're not trying to talk smack about them behind their backs. No, I would say that's what Christian church ladies do. I'm sorry, but that's all they do. In fact, they're doing that to us.

I mean, I'd say glass houses. Clearly they are. I say... Which is a terrible realty investment, by the way. A glass house is a terrible investment. And let me just tell you, as Joan Pedestrian, just hello, just in case you don't know me, you're just joining our podcast.

My name is Joan Pedestrian. I'm, not to brag, but I'm Dignity Falls' top realtor. And you are? Many years running, many years running. Many years. Well, decades, we'd actually. Yes, I can brag on your behalf. You have been, as far as I can remember, you have been the top realtor in Dignity Falls. Well, I have. And you know what? If there was a top pharmacist of Dignity Falls, I think it would be you. Well, unfortunately there isn't. It's not me.

But it's not, you know, the average person. There is? There's a top pharmacist? Yeah, there is a top pharmacist. Oh, burnt. I didn't mean to bring up a, open a sore wound. No, that's okay. His name is John Guilford,

and he is, people just consider him to be the best. Of course, he's a Walgreens man. Oh, boo's okay. His name is John Guilford, and people just consider him to be the best. Of course, he's a Walgreens man. Oh, boo. But yeah, I like to think I'm in the running for number two. Oh, well, absolutely. You're number one in my heart, Bert. Joan, that's very sweet of you. And yes, my name is Bert Mia Peade. I am a pharmacist here at CVS in Dignity Falls.

And what I do is I fill prescriptions. My name is Burnt Mia Payday. I am a pharmacist here at CVS in Dignity Falls. And what I do is I fill prescriptions. I say, next, these are the things, these are the types of things that I'll do day in, day out. And you clean up the occasional knife fight blood off the carpet. Well, I pitch in. I mean, it's not my job, but certainly that's an all hands on deck situation.

And I'm the closest thing there is to a doctor there. And so, you know, when it's blood, i'll do a lot of like don't touch it you know that sort of thing burnt if you're on a plane i don't know how much traveling you've been doing in the last 15 years but if someone says is there is there a where do you go well i've been everywhere twice um and uh everywhere pretty much mean, everywhere you're allowed to go. I haven't. I have a full disclosure. I have not been to Antarctica. But but yeah, I've been I'm a very well-traveled person. And maybe I don't know if before I've said that I've I am not a well-traveled person at all. But I misspoke earlier if I said that. But now I'm telling you and this is this is for the rest of the year. And this is the truth. And this is the truth. This is the truth for the rest of the season. I am an extremely well-traveled person. And

I like to travel with a steamer trunk so I can put my decals and stickers on there. Oh, that's delightful. I love that kind of thing. I love that kind of throwback way of traveling. Absolutely. My question, the reason I ask is because you said the closest thing to a doctor in a pharmacy. When you're on a plane and if there's an emergency and they say, is there a doctor on board? Do you feel pressure to stand up

and try to help? I mean, obviously I'll give it a beat to see if there's a reluctant doctor in there. Sure, sure. And I'll look around to see if somebody seems guilty or they don't want to do it. They're rolling their eyes.

And yeah, they're guilty because they know they're a doctor and first do no harm. And they're thinking, I know the way these guys work, Joan. And they're thinking, well, I'm not doing harm because I'm not doing anything.

And it's like, obviously, that's a sin of omission and you are doing harm by not acting. So you're saying most doctors who've taken an oath, just sworn an oath to take care of people, that when someone's in distress on the plane, all of them are thinking,

ugh, yeesh, don't want to do that. Well, they just want to enjoy the plane ride. When someone's in distress on the plane, all of them are thinking, ugh, yeesh, don't want to do that. Well, they just want to enjoy the plane ride. They're always in first class. And, you know, they're just sitting down to their bowl of warm nuts and, you know, they're dreaming of that cookie. And they don't want to get up and fish something out of somebody's throat

or whatever it is. Which is the most common accident that happens on the plane. I mean, I've never been I've never been on an airplane where someone wasn't joking. Wow. Never. You have traveled so much. So, you know, on average, you're going to just see that as often as you travel.

That's right. Maybe it seems like more to me since I've been on so many planes. It could be. It could be. It's just a collective, you collective, cumulative amount of choking. Now, I do want to get back to this, but first of all, I want to introduce my husband, Doug. Say hi, babe. Yes, our engineer, Doug. Howdy. How are you? Howdy, he says. Well, yeah, like I said, we're a little rusty, but- You're doing great, Joan.

Yeah, like I said, we're a little rusty. You're doing great, Joan. Oh, thanks, babe. Thank you so much. Doug is our engineer. Doug, can you say something to Bernd? I don't want to start off the season this way because you two have always had some tension. Sorry, it was not meant to be a slight to you.

You're doing great, too. I just know Joan was a little nervous. Oh, I see that. Okay, I wouldn't say that. That was best or best talk. So you were white knight doing great, too. I just know Joan was a little nervous. Oh, I see that. Okay, I wouldn't say that. That was best-for-best talk. So you were white-knighting your own wife? Well, geez, I was trying to be supportive. I haven't

seen her all day. I just wanted to... Well, because, and you know why? I can't find Doug. He is in the Squid Game Room. The what? The Squid Game Room. Inspired by the popular Netflix television show from Korea. As everybody knows, if you listen, we...

Way to get that in there. I didn't want people to think we were watching North Korean television, which is probably just a bunch of propaganda. Way to carrot it in. So, as anyone knows that listens, we like to renovate homes with themes and this one was all Doug and it is a mess because he tried to have a tip of the hat to every single episode in

this one room. But I'll tell you, there's a set of stairs in there to get into the room. You just go all up and down. The creepy music is playing. I cannot find him and I do not care for it. I got to say, I don't care for it.

He put in the doll. He put in that creepy doll. The red light, green light, whatever doll. Oh, yes. Yes. The problem, I think, is that I haven't actually watched this show. I'm just picking up.

He's just going from the memes. From the memes, sure. From the memes online. Sure. So it's really just close-ups. It's just the stares. It's just the, and are you wearing your sweatsuit, babe?

Oh, yeah. Yes, I'm wearing my tracksuit. He bought it on Amazon. It goes all the way to the shoes. It includes shoes. As a suit generally does. Oh, I thought you meant the length of it. Oh, it's like footie pajamas.

Is that what you're saying? I thought he was explaining the pants went all the way to the shoes. Yeah, that's a standard feature of pants. Unless you're getting into shorts. Is it? Well, yeah, most pants will go all the way. Most of my pants go. Otherwise, they're shorts.

Exactly. Yeah. What about if they're. I'm sorry, Doug. What were you going to say? Most of your pants do what? Go about like mid-shin. What do you call that?

That's a capri? Straight white man. A clam digger? A Kevin Smith? No, it's those, you know, it's those khakis. Exactly. They have like a million pockets, you know, that dads wear. Okay.

So they're cargo shorts, kind of, but they go to the- Right. But they're almost, they're longer than that. They're worse than cargo shorts. I've never seen Doug from the waist up. Isn't that funny? As long as we've known each other. Even when you come over, he's always sitting behind something.

Like he's pregnant on an 80s sitcom. He's like a reverse Wilson. He's always carrying a bunch of books or a briefcase or a lottery pass. Or some groceries. I thought Doug may have been with child. Obviously, he never would have said anything. Especially because he was setting me up for all those punchlines. That's right.

He was setting you up. You got to be the funnylines. Oh, that's right. He was setting you up. You got to be the funny one. Oh, bumps that spike. It was great. It was such a change. Now, Joan, so the Squid Game room, this is, people, if you're a first-time listener,

Joan and Doug, they have a very, I hope this isn't insulting, but an eccentric home. Oh, that's not bad. There's so many different rooms, and it's fun. It's fun for sure. Oh, thank you for that. So many different rooms that you're always attaching. It never seems to get any bigger, and I don't know how you do it, but the outside, for lack of a better term, footprint of the house looks, you never know what's going on in there.

Well, don't forget we've dug down way too much. Right. I mean, that's where this, there's a lot, we've dug a lot. It's Pirates of the Caribbean under there. All right. Well, then, you know what? Let's pivot because I do know that our listeners are going to want us to address the fire jumper in the room. Oh, dear. Yes. If you remember, we the fire jumper in the room. Oh, dear, yes.

If you remember, we, and here's the thing, we left things sort of tense. And I just want to fill in our viewers because they might be thinking, why are Bernd and Joe getting along so well? Because the last time we heard them talking, his fiance put a bounty out on her twins, you know? And in case anyone else forgot that,

that's what happened at the end. And yeah, so- You were engaged to a woman i was engaged it was a whirlwind romance um i met a uh a smoke jumper i know i was using the term fire jumper over and over again oh i see and i think that's incorrect um we don't we don't talk about work a lot. But we got engaged. She was a very, a very exciting woman. And, you know, she thought my job was exciting because I had access to so many pills. And we just had a real, you know, a real, you know, it burned very brightly, but it did burn out. We are no longer engaged. We got right up to the altar. Of course it was at Red Rocks and John Tesh

was going to officiate. Yes, I was at first, we had a little tension because I wasn't asked to sing, which I took really personally. But John Tesh assured me that he had a beautiful voice and as you saw, nothing could be further from the truth.

He couldn't, it was a real B.B. King situation where he could not sing and play at the same time. So he would be playing, then he would stop and he would sing a little bit. That's where the comparison ends. But he did try to get John Tesh's Cafe on Times Square. Yes, he did, he did. And more power to him.

It wasn't, I admire that he believed in himself, but unfortunately it, I, you know, more power to him. It wasn't, you know, I, I, I, I admire that he believed in himself, but unfortunately it was not the vibe we were looking for. And I, I apologize, Joan, that we didn't once again, that we did not have you sing us down the aisle. Well, I mean, I've sung at so many weddings. So it was a little bit, it was a shock. I will say. Well, part of it, part of it too, was I didn't want to, I didn't want to tax you. I don't, you know, when you, you, you have one little figurine of a little piggy and then, uh, everybody thinks that, oh, just buy her a piggy. She loves piggies.

And then your house is crammed with piggies, and it's like a hoarder's situation of one thing. Piggies. Yes, and then you die under them, under the weight of them. Oh, my Lord. Well, it can happen. It's so specific, this story, this scenario. It's so specific, Bert. It happened to those hermit twins.

They were hermits and they lived next door to each other and they died under the weight of their own booby traps. Booby traps? Well, one of them did. One of them set some traps. The booby traps were all just heavy? How did they die under the weight of their own booby traps? That's a good question.

Maybe it wasn't the weight. Maybe they just got caught in one. I can't recall. Or was it just the emotional weight of them? Oh, now you're getting into territory that I cannot speak to because, you know, my emotions are very tightly kept inside. But yeah, this is a fact

that I learned when I was a child and I remember only the haziest details. Those make the best stories. Agreed. So just walk us back really quickly. You got engaged. Right. Tell us again what the timeline was between the engagement and the actual wedding.

From the engagement to the wedding, probably 72 hours. That's right. That's right. I just couldn't remember. I remember it was fast. I didn't realize. It probably seemed like 48 hours to you because it was so fast well i was i mean being rejected to be a singing at an event was okay well it's not it's not you weren't really rejected it's not like you submitted a claim and

we said no well i didn't think i had to well okay i think i've made my reasons clear um so at the altar because john tesh was doing such a, I'm going to say it, piss poor job. Can you get into the specifics of why it was so bad? What was so bad about it? Did he play the NBA theme song? He did to warm up. Yes, he did. And of course it reverberates throughout the Red Rocks and it's very stirring.

Yeah. And how did you get that venue, by the way? I don't remember you explaining that to me. Well, he knows somebody. So he was able to, because he plays there all the time. It's practically his backyard, you know. Sure. And so he got us that.

And because Gabby knew him, because one time she was smoke jumping and, you know, her shootute got, it caught a real big draft and she drifted all the way out of state and into Los Angeles. She ended up in Westwood and she landed in John Tesh's backyard. Well, you know, Gabby was a very friendly person and they hit it off immediately and they became lifelong friends. That's an amazing story. I didn't realize that. I don't think I even know what smokejumpers do.

Well, they, they, okay. Let's say there's a big fire going on and they say, we need someone to approach this fire from the air. And so they get in a plane and they drop somebody with a parachute down into the fire. To do what? To put it out, I guess. Okay. I think it's, I guess. Okay. I think it's, you know what I think it is?

And again, we didn't talk about work a lot, so I'm not sure on all the details, but I think it's a sort of fresh eyes situation. I see. Where like they've been on the ground, they're trying to put it out. They're like, I don't know, what can we do? Let's get somebody in the air to look at this,

jump right into it and see what they can do. With no equipment. Okay. I think they do have some equipment. I'm not sure. Okay. Fair enough. And so, okay.

So 72 hours. And was it, how many guests did you have? On my side, there were four people. That was you, Doug, Jelaiopi. Yeah, the twins weren't allowed. Well, okay, yes. Only one was because, again,

Gabby had a bounty out on them. That's right. And so we, I thought if I bring one of the twins, the one I think is the better one, she will see that they're Matt. Oh, you think Matt's the better one? Oh, I was not going to invite Tanch

because he is, of the two, oof, I mean, they're both wild cards, but then Tanch is a wilder card. Fair enough. So I thought if she meets Matt, she'll understand these are just boys and they're just high spirited. They're getting up to hijinks. They're not like intentional. I mean, well, they're not arsonists in the classical sense. And I'm glad to see

that that theory was borne out. She did, they got along famously. I mean, look, Gabby meets anybody and she just, you feel like you've known her

your whole life. Oh, are you missing her a little bit? Do you have any regrets? No, I cut that all off. As soon as she said, I don't think this is working for me, I just shut everything down inside

and I said, it was nice to meet you, ma'am. And I turned on my heat and I walked out of Red Rocks. And then of course we met up with him later, you know, picked him up in the car because it was in the middle of nowhere. I do appreciate that. I admit, I didn't really think it through.

You just didn't think it through. I understand. It was a real cinematic moment. Absolutely. I was just thinking, I have to get out of here as quickly as possible. And so I turned and walked away and I tried to keep my dignity intact. Obviously, I slid down the side of one of those red rocks and it was mortifying.

I mean, it tore up my clothes. Yeah, I have a permanent red stain from hip to ankle on my right leg. It's like a henna tattoo of broken hearts. They're so red. Oh. Yeah. The rocks, yes. Yeah, I just couldn't believe how actually red they were.

Doug was astounded. I remember you said that approximately 150 times. It's all he did was say how red the rocks were. Yes, exactly. Just couldn't stop saying it. I missed so much of the ceremony. I was just in awe of those. I couldn't stop saying it. I missed so much of the ceremony.

I was just in awe of those. Well, I think that's what caused John Tesh to snap was when he got to the ceremony and he was so close to the, I'll pronounce it, man and wife. And he just said, hey man, they're red. We get it.

That was my favorite part. I'll bet it was. I'll bet it was. All eyes on Doug. So anyways, I'm glad that you have a fresh start. I'd like to know if you'd like me to put your profile back up to see if we can get a match. Oh, yeah. If you've saved the details, then sure.

Yeah, I have them here. I mean, are you still are your hobbies still standing behind counters? If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. Lucky you. I bet I said that last time, too. Possibly. It's probable. Okay, well, then let's get you back out there, okay?

Okay, sure. Let's get you back out there. Sure. Now, enough about me and my miserable life joan let's talk about you and uh uh what are you still is is the musical still running where you were uh doing a half uh maria half gypsy rosalie no no no that that wasn't that's in the past that was a you know that was a different time i'm i'm into doing uh i'm into just pushing myself a little more than just doing two parts at the same time. It's time for a challenge for Joan.

What I really want, I mean, I keep teasing it, but I really want to do is this one woman show that I've been, you know, where I. Oh, Joan, you've been talking about this for so long. I want to see it so badly. Please tell the people about it. Well, it's evolved. It might have been different back in the day when I told you about it. But now it's sort of like a one-person recreation of Dignity Falls. And I take you through all of the different...

It's sort of a history of the women of Dignity Falls and how far we've come and how far we have to go. This has changed a lot because- Tell me, tell me, tell me what it once was. Because when you first told me about this, it was about, it was the birth of the Spice Girls. And what you were going to do was you were going to portray each of them in utero, waiting

to be born, and then coming out of the birth canal and realizing what their identity was. Oh, gosh. You know, you're right. Now when I hear it back, I'm like, well, that's a slam dunk. So why did I abandon that? It's great. Now you have two ideas.

That's great. I could do two acts. You could do both of these shows in one night? Sure. Why not? Well, if anyone could, you could, Joan. Listen, if anything has taught me the last two years, if the last two years have taught me anything,

why not? You know, just go for it. If anything has taught you, it's got, if the last two years has taught me anything, why not? You know, just go for it. If anything has taught you, it's got to be the last two years. That's right. What you have learned, and what you have learned is why not? If anything has taught me,

it's not syntax, but it's taught me to really go for it. If taught me anything has. Eat, forgo. It's that kids love to eat eggs. Okay. That was a way was a reference of course i know so i just what i want to do is to portray as many characters as possible you know uh i want people to i want people to just be astounded at at the uh the the amazing plethora and abundance and cornucopia of women that were here before us,

pioneer women, you know, and I want to be very physical. And of course, it's going to be music. I'm going to be writing all the songs. And Doug is doing the lighting. We're very excited. How many songs are you thinking? I mean, somewhere between like 26 and 50.

How, how many, how many songs are in your standard Broadway musical? I never thought to count them before. Oh, well, I mean, it depends. Is it sung through? Is it a Vita? Well, then you can, I mean, then there's like thousands, you know, they never stop singing. So is it just one big song or is it, is it several songs? Wait. So even, even, even, even in a musical like that,

like this counts as a song. Why does he say that? And that's all that that character is called. It's called recitative is what that's called. When you're talking like this and you're saying something very fast and you are talking, this is recitative in an opera or in a Vita. I thought that was a after dinner drink. I think that's a repair a teeth. What is that word?

A pair of teeth. That's what it is. A pair of teeth. A pair of teeth. Yes. Is Opry ski before or after? It's after. It's after.

A ski would be before. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Oh, that. And that's not a thing. Correct. I don't think so, but it should be. It's after. Avant ski would be before. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, that, and that's not a thing, correct? I don't think so, but it should be.

What does that show about? Why can't you get drunk before you ski? Avant ski is just the shitty drive up the hill. So how many songs are, I didn't answer your question. I don't know.

There really are a lot of songs in most musicals. You know, there's usually probably at least 10 in a first act, 10 or 12 in a first act. That's a lot. That's a lot. Wait, and there's another act to go? Of course. Musicals are way too long these days. It takes three hours just to finish them. Agreed. I think every show should be about 90, I was going to say seconds, almost 90 minutes and that's it.

You're done. 90 seconds. That's like a TikTok, right? How long are TikToks allowed to be? Can they be any length? Oh, I don't know. You'd have to ask Jalipi because she's into all that. Oh, she's big in the social stuff now. Making the videos. Does she make the front-facing comedy? She does the ones

where it's like, you know, my mom in the background, you know, so it's like she tries to scare me, she tries to startle me, she tries to do pranks on me, she does a lot of, you know, point-of-view things, and it just, it kind of makes me look stupid, and I don't like it. Does she ever include

that, sure, does she ever include that song, oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no. I hate that one so much, I hate it much i hate you know honest to god joan i heard it in the wild the other day and it was a very strange experience how is that possible i well i was at all right i was at a rival drugstore oh my god what an admission you want to say should we cut this out you could have said anything else it'll just be i was at the park we can cut it out later but i'd go to a right aid because what's that doug

he's a little late with the cut this is reminding myself sorry for later one to cut that just gonna say that okay you don't want to do like a clap or something just to see a difference in the waveform oh i can recognize cut yeah i set it up so oh okay i can see what it looks like when you say cut yes it's very clear oh all right i stand corrected all right he handles all that stuff i don't know anything about it so yeah i the kind of uh the kind of uh well i haven't even said the thing that thing that I need cut from the episode yet. Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay.

What I meant was I'm going to cut it out later. Now what? What happened now? I don't know. All I need to know is what it is you went and got and why you heard that song. So all I need to know is what it is you went and got and why you heard that song. Well, you know, there's a – they have it at this Rite Aid. They have the vitamins that I like that are, you know, a multivitamin.

And they are – what I like about them is they're a bigger size. And so it's really hard to get them down. And so it forces me to think about my life in a very critical way because I just feel like I'm going to die. Are these the Newhart ones? Like a spin-sons for adults. Yes, exactly. They're the tape of the cast of Newhart.

That's right. So I'll put down a Mr. Hartley or an Emily, and it'll just be like stuck there. Dr. Hartley, excuse me. Mr. Carlin is what I meant. And it'll be like lodged in there, and I'm working, working, working with my throat muscles to get it down. And in the meantime, I'm thinking like,

are you happy burnt? What's going on with you? But the thing is even with my discount and this is the this needs to be cut out even with my discount at cvs there's still there he was it was a little better that was a little better babe that was fast they're still cheaper at the right aid after the discount now you're even saying which one it was. Wow. I mean, okay. So then what was the song? Okay. But was the song playing? Was the song playing? Oh,

no song from Tik TOK was playing as if it was a normal song. that's terrible. Is there a longer version or is it just, Oh, repeat over and over. I ran out of there. I, I,

I grabbed my new hearts and I fled. So Joe, we got off. We got off topic. Well, we got fled. So, Joe, we got off topic. What we do is we have to go to a commercial break. Because now we're as long as most musicals. I know. That's disgusting. I did want to hear more about the, well, in the

next episode. We'll talk about it. We'll get to it. Yes. Okay. All right. I feel like I've hogged the spotlight. no we listen trust me everyone wanted to hear about what happened with you and gabby so that was more important i hope i hope those you know tmz like vultures are satisfied always after you they're always at what always after me and i almost said my lucky charms but uh that's that's not a situation that I have to deal with. All right. Why don't we take a break?

And then, Doug, do you want to throw us to break? Oh, sure. That's something you feel comfortable doing? Yeah, totally comfortable. Okay. Into break. Okay. That's not.

That was. All right. We. That's not. That was. All right. We'll be right back. Hi, this is Connie Kirk. And I have a China hutch to give. 82 inches tall, 57 inches wide, 17 and a half deep. You will need a truck and muscles to move it. If you don't have muscles, don't even bother. I would just like you to drive to my house in your truck and come inside my house and move this china hutch with your muscles.

And then you can just have it. And we will all win. So contact me. 17 and a half deep. And Doug, do you want to bring us back for a break? Back in. Okay. I knew, I don't know why.

Okay. Well, you asked me to do it. I don't. No, I do. Doug, I do. Don't worry about it. I don't know why I, what I expected. I don't know why I thought it would be something different, but.

It sounds strange, but it's for the podcast. It's for the editing purposes. So again, I can see if I give a really long, complicated back from break spiel, then I can't see the waveform for that. Are you saying that's what we do? Well, I don't think that's what he's saying, Bernd. I mean, he just looked away for the longest time. His eyes just went out the window. There was a red rock outside.

I just was looking at that. Oh, my God. You're just obsessed with it. You're seeing it everywhere now. It's like Richard Dreyfuss and those potatoes. Oh, that's right. Those were white. Those were white.

Those were white. Right, but it's just he was seeing that mountain everywhere, babe. That. Those were white. Those were white. Those were white. Right, but it's just he was seeing that mountain everywhere, babe. That's all I meant. In the close encounters of the- Devil's Tower in Wyoming. That's right. So if you're listening for the first time, what we do on this podcast is we go to the popular neighborhood networking app called the NeighborHap. And we look for posts in our own Dignity Falls.

And that's a way that we get to meet our neighbors and share them with the world. And there's nothing satanic about that. My God. Why is it? It's not satanic. We're just screen capping things from the internet. Seriously.

Ugh, Jesus Christ. Anyway, okay. Yeah, we're wearing robes. So what? This post comes from Gary and it says, Hello, neighbors. I read a post in my feed earlier from someone about people

jumping a pool fence to trespass in their community pool. I'm a certified CPTED practitioner. I don't know what that means, Bernd. I mean, that's a long acronym. And offer CPTED, I'm just going to say CAPTED, and offer CAPTED assessments and other security consulting services to improve home security. It's a little repetitive. One aspect of CAPTED is using, quote, hostile vegetation to deter people from entering spaces around your home.

Below is a brief article about how hostile vegetation works. If you'd like a CAPTED assessment or are looking for a home security consultant, please feel free to DM me or send me an email. And he puts his email and this is Gary. Now, what's interesting is when we contacted, we tried to contact Gary and we have an email, of course, that we know all our listeners can always contact us if you have posts. have an email, of course, that we know all our listeners can always contact us if you have posts. We got an email from not Gary, but one of the what turns out as kid who is a trespasser in community pool areas. That's how he described himself. So we've got him to maybe explain his side of the story. So please welcome the dill. Is it dill? Is that just a nickname? Dill?

is it dill is that just a nickname dill oh yeah you can call me dill or you can call me dylan or dillbo bilbo or dildo or dillbo baggins oh wow there's so many options yeah uh how how old are you well we should choose one first oh well oh which one do you like which one i mean dillbo bilbo was really crying out to me okay Okay, we'll do Dilbo Bilbo. Except for, how about you call me Mr. Bilbo because you're respecting me so much. Oh, well, I mean, I don't know. Do we respect you? I mean, it seems like so far you maybe had participated in a criminal activity, Dilbo Bilbo.

Do you want to explain yourself? True, but Mr. Dilbo is a guest on our show and I think we should we should accord him you want mr dilbo this is what we're deciding to do mr dilbo yeah i could i kind of um my dad says i command respect huh because i wear a belt okay so your father your father says uh owing to the fact that you wear a belt yeah this commands respect everywhere or just around the house yeah because everywhere. Because my dad's an entrepreneurial

and he works at Citibank in the town and he wears a belt and everyone always calls him Mr. McGinty, which is his last name. So then if people call me Dilbo Bilbo, then I should be Mr. Bilbo.

I'm trying to follow that logic. Okay, so Mr. Bilbo. Yeah, because my dad's an entrepreneurial. An entrepreneurial. Yes. Okay, so Mr. Bilbo. Yeah, because my dad's an entrepreneurial. An entrepreneurial? Yes. Okay, just an entrepreneur. I thought there was

something to be after. Just full stop entrepreneurial. Just full stop entrepreneurial. Yes, exactly. I thought so too. Okay, okay, okay. How old are you? I'm 14.

Okay. Yeah, that's exactly right. 14, okay. And a guess. These are classic 14-year-old hijinks. 100%. Let me ask you this, Mr. Dilbo.

You say your father is an entrepreneurial, but he works at the bank? Yeah, he works at Citibank. He's kind of the main boss and he's touched more money than anyone in the town. Whoa.

Oh, how is that? What is that? Okay, Doug. Like physically touched it. Doug's impressed right off the bat. Because you know how money can be digital on a card or money can be on papers

and my dad he literally touched hundred millions of all the bills because they come into the bank and my dad's got fast fingers and he counts them so freaking fast he commands respect he counts the money yeah in the bank your father is i think the manager of this money in the bank? Your father is, I think, the manager of this branch of the bank and he personally counts the money that comes in? Yeah, he has brains and eyes so fast you wouldn't believe. That's how he introduced himself.

Oh, that's wonderful. Are you getting this from him? Like, he tells you that he does this or you've seen him do this? That's a good question. Well, I heard people whispering at the grocery store. Oh, there goes Mr. McKinsey. His brain's an eye so fast you wouldn't believe. I mean, I feel a little silly.

I haven't heard of him because it seems like this would spread like wildfire in the town. Yeah, he has kind of a secret life because he gets his own office at Citibank and only really, no offense, important people get to go meet him. Really? Now, where is that? Because I've been in that. Is this a Citibank on Poplar? If you have to ask, you can't afford.

Okay. Well, it's a bank. It's a bank, Mr. Dilbo. And, you know, anyone can go into the bank and deposit money. Hang on. Is this? I don't think women are allowed. Oh, well, I don't.

I haven't heard of that in this town. I believe they are. In fact, I think I've been. Is that the Citib bank on Poplar? Are you talking about that one? No, it's on Tree of Life Junction. Oh, the one with the water feature. Yeah.

Yes. And my dad, his hands and his fingers are so fast. He put together all the stones on the water feature too. My twins used to go there and they used to climb that water feature. That's why we weren't allowed to go back anymore. Are they girls? They aren't, they're boys like you. and they used to climb that water feature. That's why we weren't allowed to go back anymore. Are they girls? They aren't.

They're boys. Like you. Oh, okay then. Yeah, I believe it. Oh, girls can climb too. Come on, Mr. Dillball. Don't be like that. Who's telling you things like this?

How old did you say you were again? 14. 14. Who's telling you that women can't go into banks and women can't climb? And that your dad built the water feature. Is your dad saying that? I heard people at the grocery store saying,

oh, there goes Mr. McKinty. His eyes and his brain so fast you wouldn't believe. His fingers built the water feature. Okay, so they, so at the grocery store, these people usually

open up with, there goes Mr. McKinty. His brains and eyes are so fast. And then they fill in a new fact about him. Yeah, and that's usually how I learn about my dad

because my dad doesn't really talk to me. And when you're at the grocery store, are you there? Hang on a second. Yeah, and that's usually how I learn about my dad because my dad doesn't really talk to me. And when you're at the grocery store, are you there? Hang on a second. Wow, I'm sorry. I came in with that question.

Now, this is more important. We have to backtrack. He doesn't really talk to you? No, but he lets me push the cart as long as I'm so quiet and so fast. Okay, so you are in the store with your dad.

Yeah. And is it you two that always do the shopping? Is your mom in the picture? I'm sorry, I have to ask. Oh, no. My mom's long dead. Oh.

Like, how old were you when she died? Oh, she died giving birth to me because I'm huge. Oh, I see. I see. Do you know how much you weighed when you were born?

I mean, you look kind of normal- Yeah, you don't look particularly huge right now. But it's because you can't see my rump. My dad says I have an epic rump. Epic. And I was only born normal, like nine pounds, but it was all rump and such a small brain and head.

And so because my rump was so big, it got torn off on my mom. It got... Because the doctor... but that shouldn't lead to her death my goodness a nine pound baby i would i would assume no matter how the weight is distributed yeah because the nurses said oh that i was like shaped like a basketball and leathery exterior too and so when i came so tough and round and nine pounds, my mom and other women's bodies not meant to handle that. Now who, now who told you that? Someone at the grocery store

who used to be a nurse. Is it, let me ask you, Mr. Gilbo, is it the same people at the grocery store saying these things every time? Um, it's actually Mr. Bilbo cause I'm dildo Bilbo. Okay. I'm so sorry i really thought mr dilbo was a choice there dilbo bilbo okay but if we put the mister there's another person named dilbo bilbo oh no i that's me anyways i go to the grocery store every tuesday with my dad and it's awesome and it's our awesome epic time to be dudes together and he shops for all the bananas for Citibank and I get to push the grocery cart so he's the bananas for Citibank oh do they have them on like a display no for the staff from where the VIPs go

because those guys need because they're counting so much money and they can't get their hands too sticky but just sticky enough bananas are the best kind of treat. No, I don't believe, Dale, I don't believe that Joan was asking, does he buy the bananas for a display at the bank? I think she was asking, does he grab them from the display at the grocery store? But then also, why would the manager of a Citibank branch be buying bananas for the staff? Because I don't know why, but I heard people say, oh, there goes Mr. McKinty. His brain eyes so fast and he can't step money.

He built a water feature in the front and he has a heart of gold. Okay, so they add things up. So that's why how come I think he, that's why he supplies the bananas and snacks for Citibank out of his own heart. Can you tell me

how else are his brain and eyes so fast? This is something that keeps coming up a lot. Yes, pretend you're at the grocery store. It can't simply be just the way he counts money. What else is so fast about his brain and his eyes? How does he move through the day? I mean, is he like a superhero? Well, I only ever seen him at the grocery store,

so I know he finds the bananas. Hang on. Does he not, you don't live together at home? We do, but he says upstairs, dad stairs. So I never really get to see him there, but when it's time for me to push the cart, that's our quality dude bonding time. Do you meet him at the grocery store? Do you meet him at the grocery store? Actually, we have our own cart because my dad's so rich.

So I hook it up with bungee cable to the back of the car and I ride in the cart on the way to the grocery store. And I'm expected to have hopped out and packed up the bungee cables by the time he's in and has seen his first banana. Okay, hang on. I just feel like you're getting different messages from your father. You know that shopping carts are free. They're free for everybody. You don't have to have your own shopping cart. I don't know that he's getting different messages from his father.

I feel like the message is very clear. And it's the same every time. Different was the wrong word. You're right. You're right. Yes, because he's making you think that he needs to own his own grocery cart. That's not a thing.

He's not making me think anything. I'm a free thinker. All right. And my dad's a really good man with a heart of gold. What do you like to do for fun? Well, I like to I'm the champion and prime minister

of the Young Men's Cannonball Association. Oh, okay. This is a group of you and your buddies and you hop the fence at the public pool and you're doing cannonballs. Is that correct? Yeah, it's me. I'm the president and prime minister.

And then my congregation is Brady Thomas, Thomas Bradmas, Brian Tompkins, and Tompkins Branson. Okay. Wow. That is quite a similar sounding group of guys. I know some of those boys. I know some of those boys.

Yeah. Yeah, we're the good old boys. Yeah, their dads wore those shorts we were talking about. This is to get to that point about the pool that Gary posted. So this person was, I'm assuming, posting about you. And with the names that I just heard, I think that they would all have keys to community pools. think that they would all have keys to community pools. And so why are you having to trespass in or is this just part of the rush is just jumping over a fence? And are you jumping over the fence straight into a cannonball? Yeah. Yeah. So it's it's awesome because all our dads, you're right.

All our dads are entrepreneurial. So we get together for the Young Men's Cannonball Association. We to do words of affirmation, goal planning, goal setting, calendar events, and love language practice. And we also do cannonballing, which is for personal strengths and feats of strength for young men who would like to be entrepreneurial. It starts with the bravery of the body. And entrepreneurship does start with cannonballs. It is true. Could you describe the love language exercises? And then I have some questions about the dad being an entrepreneur who is a bank manager as well, which I feel like was not satisfying.

I mean, there's so many questions. Okay. So love language exercises. Walk us through that. Well, there's the main love languages, which are important for any little boy to know if he wants to grow up to be an entrepreneurial captain or man or father. And so it's touch, laugh gift acts of service and prank touch laugh gift acts of service of service prank acts oh gift acts of service gift and prank gift and prank yeah is it gift and prank right or gift and prank gift comma and comma ampersand prank thank you oxford come

you've made things clear once again uh do you know what that is still an oxford comma uh my dad said british people are liars i mean a case could be made um dill so so you guys do you do you all go together to hop the fence? And are you aware that you're trespassing? Well, that's kind of the part of it. Because if you're a little boy, little strong boy with big dreams, you have to be willing to do what it takes.

And even if someone says no, you have to look them in the eye and say, actually, yes. So even though there's signs around saying, don't go in here, don't do trespassing We have to say yes Why is that? So for to learn to be a strong boy And get up big and do entrepreneurial Ooh, Bert, this really concerns me a little bit This is, I don't know that this is the message

These young kids need to be getting That's not the only way to get to A successful place in life, Dil Is to just, you know just ignore rules and trespass. I'm going to stop you right there, Joan, because it's not the message I'm getting. It's the message I'm giving. Oh, I see. Because I'm the leader and captain and prime minister of the group.

Prime minister and president, yes. And so you see yourself as a role model to these other boys who are all your same age. Yeah, because even though we're all the same age, when we met, we all sat down and we drew a picture of our dads on a card and we put the cards in the middle and talked about who's most entrepreneurial and with brain and eye speed and all that. And my dad was number one. So now I'm number one. Okay. And what, what are the other boys? Are they, are there similarly entrepreneurial? Yeah. Brady Thomas's dad is a firefighter, but not in the way you think. Cause he actually just trains the dogs. And then Thomas Bradmas, his mom's on crystal meth. And so that's how come he gets to visit the rehab center, which makes him really strong and brave.

And Tompkins Branson, his dad's actually, like, I don't want to say. I thought you froze there for a second. I did too. I'm actually scared to say because he promised me that I shouldn't tell anyone. Well, I think it's safe to tell. We can always cut this out, right? Right, Doug? Yeah.

Could you do a cut? Yeah. Would you like a cut? Yeah. Would you give us one of your bad- Okay. I'll tell you. Cuts.

Okay. Now it's safe to talk. Sure. Okay. Go ahead. Tompkins,son he we and we only found this out because we all played Ouija board together but his dad's poltergeist whoa okay Doug uh back in um okay so he that's how he makes a living

yeah okay all right deal but he's not as rich as my dad doing that. He's only second rich. Oh, so the- So it's you, me, I do. Boy, the father, the one father is the second richest because he's a poltergeist. Cut. Cut.

Yes, exactly. Cut. Okay. Okay, yeah. So while we're cut, I'll explain it to you. So he's poltergeist. So he actually has a different,

because it's funny because he's kind of opposite of my dad because he's a poltergeist, but he works has a different, because it's funny because he's kind of opposite of my dad because he's a poltergeist, but he works at Ghost Bank and Ghost World and he makes ghost bucks. And it comes from getting people to scream. Like, have you seen Monsters Inc. How scream makes the power come to electricity?

Well, his dad's a poltergeist. Every time he makes people scream, he gets scream bucks. And that's how come his son, who's Tompkins Bryanston, has the nicest clothes. Okay, uncut. Dylan, you're a teenage boy. his son, who's Tompkins Branson, has the nicest clothes. Okay, uncut.

Hang on, hang on. Teenage boy. This is tricky because, you know, Burnt does not believe in ghosts or poltergeists, only ghouls. I do believe in ghouls, that's correct. But ghosts are a fairy tale. So, Dill, I feel as if you're telling us... He's telling us that there's an underworld with a ghost bank.

Dill, I think you're telling us some tall tales here. I'm literally not. You're not in the young men's cannibal association so you're not privy to sorry for british slang all the information that we have i'm also getting the sense is this just a motherless crew there doesn't there don't seem to be many mothers of influence like the lost boys they. They're just living feral. No. There's clearly no fathers in the picture and they're just a band of roving little feral boys.

And I'm worried because Gary is going to plant hostile vegetation all around. We already lost a guy to it. Oh, what happened? Yeah, because you know, Thomas Bradmas, he went jumping over and got spiked up the groin area and butthole. And he got on spiked from a cactus and it went up into his innards and it came out his mouth.

That's horrifying. It was horrifying. Just like that. Like how you said. I think we would have heard about this. No. It was kind of funny at first. We were like, oh, we were like, look and check it out.

We were like, oh shit, Thomas Bradmas got Spike out his mouth and we were all making TikTok of it. And then we realized he was long dead. So you laughed first was your instinct. Yeah, because we thought he was practicing. So the Spike's coming out of his mouth. We thought he was practicing the love language prank. Right, but he, so the prank would have been

to make you think that he was dead in a gruesome way. Right? Yeah. Because that's my love language. Your love language is prank. Being pranked, yeah. Or just prank, yeah. Oh, I guess I thought if your love language is prank, that you would be pulling the pranks,

not eagerly receiving the pranks. Okay. Quick lesson on love languages. Prank. So if my love language is prank, prank actually that's how i give and receive love so so so when um tompkins bryanston had the spike coming out his his mouth i was receiving prank and i was liking it until i figured he was dead but he because he was not giving prank no but i literally thought he was he's he's giving i'm dead he's getting dead yes and then then. No, but I literally thought he was. He's, he's giving, I'm dead. He's giving debt. Yes.

And then, then I'm sorry, but what did you do next? Well, that we had to continue Cannonball Society as usual. So no one would call. And that's why you keep, you keep mentioning his name. You mentioned his name when you talk about all the members as out of respect. Yeah. Cause he's actually poltergeist now too. Oh boy. Burnt. I mean, I listen, actually poltergeist now, too. Oh, boy.

Burnt, I mean. Listen, I've been through this with two boys before. And, you know, I think, you know, I think. This exact thing? I would say these boys are having innocent fun. No, just the part of tall tales, like you've said. And an imagination, a healthy imagination is a good thing. But if it's led to a child's death that was apparently not reported. I'm hoping not covered up.

Little boys. I don't know why, for some reason, I believe that part. I don't. Yeah, you really. I'm concerned that that's real. No, little, little boys love to lie. It's very true. And I remember, I'm no different when I was a kid. I remember I lied about a wolf coming to our neighborhood a couple times. Oh, boy. People got all up in arms and then boy oh boy that third time a wolf actually showed up and it was a mess I'm literally not lying and if you guys

say I'm lying one more time my dad who's the captain entrepreneurial at Citibank is going to come and he's going to cut off your fingers and put you in the dungeon that we have underneath our house and he's going to put a penis transplant on both of you and get you on and make you be prisoners and he's going to put a penis transplant on both of you and get you on and make you be prisoners. And that's true.

You know what? I would like to have a word with your father. I got to say. Is he there right now? Where are you right now? He's not here. He's at City Bay in the important room with the other important VIPs and the bananas. No, honey, honey, honey,

honey. Come on. take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. You're okay. You're not in trouble. And just rivulets of tears just streaming down his face. I mean, so many. He's getting so red. You're okay.

All right, you didn't do anything wrong. I think. Well. Just go with me, Bert, okay? Okay, okay, okay. I'm just trying to calm him down. All right, Bert. Okay. Okay. Okay. Trying to calm him down. All right. Okay. Because really, we've got a problem here.

We've got an absent father who's basically convinced his son that he's a superhero. He's a, you know. But here's the thing, though. We're getting all this from this little psychopath, and he could just be spinning an enormous web of lies so that we can't believe anything that he said. I don't believe he's 14, by the way. He seems much, much younger than that. I do. I have to agree with that.

I do agree with that. You're welcome. Maybe 70, he seems. Based on his syntax, he doesn't... Sure, and the... He can't Complete sentences. I can literally hear you guys. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. See, I'm concerned as a mother, but Berndt is also making a good point that you could just be on here just having a laugh. Maybe you're making a TikTok of us right now. I don't know. I don't know. You know what this sounds like? Prank. This does sound like prank. I'm not having a laugh. I don't know. You know what this sounds like? Prank. This does sound like prank.

I'm not having a laugh. I literally was just having a cry. How can we believe? Those could be crocodile tears. Yep. Speaking of the Lost Boys, crocodile. Fine, fine. I'll tell you the truth.

My dad's name is Joseph McKinty. He got divorced from my mom three years ago. Now he's married to a woman named Shannon and he doesn't want to see me on Christmas. But the truth is he does work at Citibank, but I lied about him letting me come with him grocery shopping and I also lied about being 14. But not about his brain and eyes being really fast?

His brain and eyes are so fucking fast. Joan, why would you? Language. Language. Still. Sorry, but like she's pissing me off. Hey, young man, we're not going to have little boys swearing on this show

and disrespecting Joan, the number one realtor in Dignity Falls, several decades running. Thank you. I just, I'm not trying to upset you. I'm really sorry that I did. I'm very worried about you.

And I just want to make sure that you're not being neglected. And the reason why children act out is because they feel like no one's paying attention to them. Back in. So here's the thing. Can I ask? Yeah. Go ahead, Doug. I was just wondering if Mr. McGinty brings an eye so fast did build the water feature or if that was a lie, Doug. I was just wondering if Mr. McGinty, brains and eyes so fast, did build the water feature or if that was a lie.

Doug. That was actually true because he. Yeah. But that's the cool. That was his only job at Citibank. Oh, so he doesn't. Oh, so when he works at Citibank, you just meant he had a contract job. He works in construction.

Uh huh. he works at CityBank. You just meant he had a contract job for like a couple days. He works in construction. But he still kind of works there because he goes to fish out crud from the water feature. So he fishes out the crud. It's good fishing. What's that, Doug? I take the twins fishing there all the time. It's a great water feature. For crud?

For crud. Don't do that. You'll make my dad lose his job. That's my dad's job. Oh. Babe, I... Oh, boy. I thought you were taking them to an actual lake when you took them fishing.

You're saving the fowl for the back? No, the water feature's right there. And there's plenty of crud in there. I don't think of that thing as stocked with fish. You're just cleaning the fountain. You never know. That's what you're doing. There's just coins in there, babe.

Sometimes you get the coins in the crud. Oh, sure. And you keep the coins. What are you fishing with? Fishing pole. I don't see how this works. I think now we're being lied to by two people, Burnt. They're both giving prank.

They're both giving prank. So, Dill, you live with your mom and your dad. You say your dad doesn't want to see you, not even on Christmas? No, because he's married to Shannon now and he's got other kids too. Oh, so you're step-siblings.

Yeah. And are they just, they're not easy to get along with? No. And they don't want to talk to me either. They go to a different school even. Wow. Oh, really? So you're in this house with, and you live with them? Are they older than you?

No, they all live with my dad. And those kids go- Oh, they live with your dad. They go to prestigious academy and I just go to old crap fest. Crap fest elementary really, really does need to be torn down it's spelled with a k by the way i know people are laughing out there um and two s's um and they go to prestigious academy yeah that's tough that's a tough school to get into i know and i begged my dad that i could go to prestigious but But he said, no, you're Dutch. You have to go where all the other Dutch kids go to crap fest.

That is true. That is true. It was named after Heist Crap Fest, who was one of the founders of this town. You know, he ran the cheese mill and he brought into the ground the amazing. Yes. He brought all his amazing recipes from from the old country. And they turned out to be stolen. And he was actually he was actually a horrible person. We found out later. He was.

He was. He's the only person ever to be ridden out of Dignity Falls on a rail. They tarred him and feathered him and they put him on a rail and they actually. And I mean, those guys were tired. They jogged him all the way out of Dignity Falls on a rail. They tarred him and feathered him and they put him on a rail and they actually, and I mean, those guys were tired. They jogged him all the way out of town right up to the city limits and they came back and they were, those guys were wrecked for days, but they were pleased and proud

of what they'd done. But they'd already named the school and it was already up and so that's why it's just there, but we should really rename it, honestly. We really should, for many reasons. For many reasons. But anyway, I don't mind going there because that's where I met the other boys. You know, Brady Thomas, Thomas Bradmas, Brian Tompkins.

You know, all those Tompkins, Bryansons. And none of them have died, right? That one kid actually did. I wasn't lying about that. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, that's horrifying. I'm so upset. Joan, you called it. That was the one thing. Sure did. I wasn't lying about that. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, that's horrifying. I'm so upset. Joan, you called

it. That was the one thing. Sure did. But that's why I wanted to come and talk to you guys because something's got to be done about this Gary guy who wants to keep doing spikers in all the different pools. Like other little guys like me and my friends are going to keep dying from it. Well, but Dil,

just take the hint and stop trying to climb the fences. Thank you. Just don't do it, honey. Just stop. You know, there's lots of other things to do for fun around here. You don't need to impale yourselves on cacti. What else do I have?

A bunch of lies about my dad who's not around. A stepmom named Shannon who doesn't want any worthless penny to do with me. A grocery store that I've never even been inside. A banana I've never even inside. A banana I never even tasted. A mom who's so quiet I can't even hear her when she speaks up. All I have is a pool and my cannonball boys. Honestly,

he's making a compelling case, Joan. Well, it was very I mean, it was dramatic and poetic and my heart goes out to you. But, you know, how about just go over to the old quarry? Because there's some great places to jump out there. Quarry.

You could jump all over the place. Yeah. That fetid water. You know what? Adults like you say, Oh, I'm worried about him. He seems to be on his own.

He's telling tall tales, but all you can do is send me out to the quarry on my own. Well, you act like you want to help, but you don't. Hold on a second. What about your crew of cannonballers? Are they a lie as well?

No, they're all real. They're all real. They're with you in the quarry. Oh, okay. They're real and they're my very best friends. I mean, he does know their names pretty fast off the top of his head. It seems very practiced. Oh, no. Now he's just saying it over and over again.

They're my very best friends. They're my very best friends. They love me for who I am. He's curling up in a little ball. They love me for who I am. He looks even littler than normal. Brady Thomas, Thomas Bradmas, Brian Tompkins. Oh, now he's rocking.

But look at that rump. It is enormous. Oh, wow. Wow. He doesn't need a belt. I'll tell you that. Does not need Wow. He doesn't need a belt. I'll tell you that. Does not need a belt. Doesn't need a belt.

Okay, you caught me. I'm the sole proprietor and only entrepreneurial in the Cannonball Society. Oh, okay. We're just worried about you. We didn't mean to break you down like this. We really are. I mean, that was really hard when you said to me that I'm worried about you, but I'm really not. And I really, really am.

And I'm glad that your mom's alive. And see, I knew, listen, women are amazing. I knew she could get that rump out and not let it, you know, a woman's body is incredible. It can pass any size ass. So we really are worried about you. Let's see. Okay. Other than the quarry, what other fun things are there to do, Bert?

What did you do here when you were a kid for fun? Oh, we used to... Oh, I shouldn't say that. Well, we used to... Cut? We used to... Yeah, cut. We used to...

We used to rob the dime store, you know, where you get the penny candy and everything. Um, the corner store, we used to, we used to rob that. Um, not just shoplifting either, but sometimes we would put on masks,

but that was, we were little, we were like six years old. Uh, but now you, you've had con, you have cut, had Connie your whole life,

right? Did he come along on those stick ups? I got Connie from the, uh, from the Sears wishbook when I was, uh, five years old. Now, you've had Connie your whole life, right? Did he come along on those stick-ups? I got Connie from the Sears wishbook when I was five years old. And a lot of times, he would be a member of our gang, yes. We put a little mask on him, too. All right. Well, that's not going to work.

And listen, I'm going to be very honest with you, Dill, OK? Maybe I'm wanting to help you because I, being very, very candid here, feel like I kind of made some mistakes with my boys. Okay. I will admit it. I can't tell you to do what they did because they set half the town on fire. Yeah, they're doing better now. Sorry. Nothing. Oh, all right. Well, you know, Doug can isolate your audio and I will find out what you said later. It's funny that you say that because your twins set the town on fire and all I want to do is plunge my little body into water. So every strong little boy is an element. Boy, that's very deep. What I don't want you to do is hurt yourself. No, we don't want that deal. We want, we want you to be safe. And it sounds like you're risking

life and limb trying to get past these traps that Gary has laid. Yeah. So Gary's the problem. Do something instead of telling me, oh, run off and jump in a courier. Oh, put on a mask and rob a dime store. Go after Gary and his spiky plants. Gary is merely, he's not the problem, sir. Gary's merely a narc who is capitalizing on someone else's misery.

But the real problem is you could get hurt because there's more Garys out there than there are Dills, I'm sorry to say. That is true. Is it sorry to say that is true. Is it wrong to suggest that he may be prank Gary? It is but let's do it. Oh, that's an awesome idea. Who

what's Gary's last name and where does he live? Okay. Well, we can't we're not going to tell you what's his family like does he have wife or kids? I immediately regret this suggestion. What does he drive to work and does his car's brakes work? Nope. Nope.

I'm walking it back. I'm walking it back. What's he allergic to? Oh, my. No. Dill, this is out of the way. What? Give me something to do then.

Okay. Okay. Take me through the list of the, what was it? The love language again. Okay. So there was prank. There was, back in. Touch, laugh, gift, acts of service. Okay. So there was prank. There was back in. There was prank. Touch, laugh, gift,

acts of service, prank. Okay, that one. Acts of service. Acts of service. Dil, you know what you should do? Some acts of service. There's plenty of places to volunteer.

You can volunteer down at the soup kitchen. You can volunteer at the retirement home. Oh my goodness. The library. Those ladies would love to have you there.

But that's not my love language. My love languages are laugh and prank. How about this? I never, you thought about standup? Are some of your jokes impractical? Because that's a way

you could make some money. There you go. Let me ask you this. This could be a way to combine two love languages and you don't have to do anything extra. You do sign up to read to the old folks

at the, what is it called? We don't want to call it an old folks home. Is that where you live, Bert? No, I'm not quite there yet. I'm not quite there yet. I'm sure to you, I must seem a million years old. That got a chuckle out of me.

Oh, well, I'm glad we're here. That's what it's called, the million years home. Are you talking about million years home? The million years home. The one down on. Yes, million years home. Okay. Which is such a rude name.

That's the one on Tree million years home okay which is such a rude such a rude name but uh that's the one on tree of death junction right yes that's on tree of death again poorly named yes poorly named yeah why would that i mean the name of the junction predates the retire the the million years home i mean why would they ever call anything tree of death so um so many children ran their bikes into it that's right yes and then get down get rid of the tree i would say get rid of that tree um and then you can call anything you want but if you if you so if you go to a million years home and you you volunteer to read to the old folks there um they don't know what you're reading just you you pretend you're reading to them but you make up one of your tall tales and then it's like you're pranking them, but they don't even realize it. The best kind of prank.

Oh, that's an awesome idea. I will. There you go. I will come and read to all you and your old friends, Brunt. I'm not there. I'm not there. It's burnt, honey. I'm not that old. It's burnt, and I'm not that old. Yeah, I know that when you're

little, like seven or however old you are that that people like us seem very very old yes but we're not because i'm a middle age man and i live in an apartment because you guys are the oldest guys i've ever seen can i practice the story on you sure okay okay okay i'm gonna pretend i'm going to pretend I'm going to say, oh, I'm going to read to you today from Catcher in the Rye. An old person favorite. And I'm going to start from the beginning. Once upon a time, there was a hilarious dick with hairy balls on the bottom and jizz coming out the top.

And everybody was fighting over who was going to suck on it. And then the guy's dad came and said, you're in prison. And then Holton Caulfield stuck orangutan up his oh he knows the name and he and he went and he got drowned in the ocean of shit deal deal i think you want to you want to cut well you have to say cut before too late i know right yeah this is so you know i think that i think that you need to be a little more subtle to start off with. I wouldn't start off that way. I would lead up to that so you could get the most out of the prank. I'm impressed you knew Holden Caulfield.

I'll just say it. Yeah, I'd put that more towards the front and the big dick with the hairy balls I'd put towards the end of the story. Oh, okay. Thanks. Before you are hauled out of there at the very beginning of your prank. Thanks for teaching me, Brent. Will you be my dad?

No and no. Thanks for coming and talking to us, Dill. I hope that works out for you. We need to thank him. But, Dill, best of luck to you. I hope that you'll be nice to your mom. She's doing her best, obviously. I forgot to tell you guys something.

Oh, boy. Remember the part about how somebody jumped over the fence and got spike up through their butt, through their mouth and died? That was actually my mom. Okay. Oh, come on now. Now I'm done.

Now I'm done. No, it's true. She came to, it's really sad actually. She was looking for me, didn't know where I was running off to at night. So one night she followed me and I already knew about that spiky plant. So I didn't jump over that part,

but she did and she got dead. And now, now I'm on my own. There's just, there's no way we're going to believe that now. You've just, you've burned us too many times. Yes. And also, I just saw a lady passing through

in the back, in the back, behind you, in the hallway. Ah, a poltergeist! Oh boy, oh boy. Okay, Dill, I hope you will,

you will figure out how to behave yourself and please leave Gary alone. Best of luck to you. Take care. Just try not to get into too much trouble, okay? Knock it off. Best of luck to you and knock it off.

Best of luck to you and knock it off. Okay, thanks everybody. Can I just say one thing before I go? Okay. Holden Caulfield has big hairy dick and balls and ass juice. All right, that's it. We're going to be right back after this commercial. Cut it, Doug.

Cut it. Break. Hey, this is Steven. I've lived in Dignity Falls for over 35 years. One of the places that is like home to me is Palermo on Gerald Ford Avenue. So many memories. When I walk in, they call me

Dignity Falls Steve, and some don't know my actual name. Tony is always so friendly and goes out of his way to make sure the service is fast. We've had so many parties there. At one party, I went to the men's room and came back without my mustache of 40 years. The table was at Pantamodium. My son levitated. No one in my Dignity Falls family had ever seen me without a mustache. Like the song from the old show, Cheers. It's nice to go where people call you by name, parentheses, even if it's a nickname, in parentheses. Hashtag love your neighborhood. And back in.

All right. Well, boy, that dill, Joan. What a little—Rascal is too soft of a of a term he's a little uh he's he's a little uh prick i mean i don't know what else what other word to use he's just a little prick no it just i think i guess we were kind of just wasting our time there. He was just having some fun. Oh, well. Oh, well. What a nonsense. I mean, he was prank all the way to the end.

He was. No, Zoe was over five years old. No way. His voice was so high and so. The way he spoke, his syntax. Everything about it. Well, listen, I can't. I can't judge someone on their syntax.

You heard me earlier. Well, now I liked that. If there's one thing I've learned from, what was it? How did it go? I don't know. If I've learned from anything, if I've learned from anything, it's the last two years

and here's what they taught me. All right. Okay, so we just have time for one more post. This is from Sean here in Dignity Falls. And there's a picture of a dove, I guess, because it looks like a pigeon, but it's not gray.

So that's a dove, right? Yes, I've always been confused about that. I mean, dove gets such a fancy, elevated, upscale term, and it's really just a pigeon. Just a pale pigeon.

Yes, exactly. We're making them the symbol of peace and why. All right. So Sean posts this picture of this dove sitting on a roof or on a wire, bird on a wire, classic. And he writes, the new neighbors moved in today. If you look closely in the last photo, you can see he's carrying bird nest materials and it kind of looks like a mustache. Now.

We'll post the picture. We'll post the picture. You know, not zoomed in? Absolutely not. No. Zoom in a little bit? No. Still no. Zoom in as close as you can. He's clearly just carrying some straw. It does not at all look like a mustache.

Not at all because it's a twig and it's a very long twig, and to me, I can only see it showing off out of one side of his beak. I can't see the other side of the mustache. You have to zoom in. You have to zoom in so closely to see against the sky, and by that point, you're just looking at pixels.

You know what I mean? You're looking at just colored squares. Well, fair enough, because this is a grainy photo to begin with. It's a grainy... There's another thing. Photo! You know, you can't... If you're gonna... Listen, what's his name? Sean? Sean. This guy just wanted This is a grainy photo to begin with. It's a grainy... There's another thing. Photo. You know, you can't... If you're going to... Listen, what's his name? Sean? Sean.

This guy just wanted to have one of those viral moments where he thought he found an animal doing something funny. And it was a reach. He thought he had the next pizza rat. And let me tell you something, Sean. You can't take a low-def photo of a glorified pigeon holding a twig and say it looks like he has a mustache. No. I mean, the twig is clearly coming out underneath where his mustache would be.

That's the other problem. Now, a Fu Manchu, maybe. But not even. Also, nobody in Dignity Falls cares about some dumb commonplace bird like this. When we have those cranes that come every year. And it is like Jurassic Park. Why is he taking a picture of those? Exactly.

They are terrifying. They actually have mustaches. Some of them appear to have mustaches. It's true. Okay. I haven't really seen that myself, but I admire that you're supporting your husband. There's just these long feathers around their head

and just depending on if they've been in the water. Sometimes they can hang down as if they look like a mustache. But those birds are huge. They block the sun as they fly past. Oh my God. When they're flying in formation, you really think like, well, it's

finally happened. World War III. And then you realize, no, they're just a bunch of dumb birds, albeit huge birds. They're just too prehistoric and, you know, I think they're also what's attracting the shoebill storks that have been coming. And they're just mean birds who are dumb as dirt.

So mean. To believe that that's who we think brings us babies. I mean, they would never be delivered safe? Well, I don't think people think of the shoebills as bringing the babies. I think they're more the classic Vlasic Pistle. I think they more than more of the classic Vlasic pistol pistol. I think it was too many, too many words.

My brain didn't want to say classic Vlasic pickle. You do not like you don't you don't have a brain as fast as Mr. McGinty. OK, now that was a lie. So I feel like my brain could be every bit as fast as that made up person. Of course it could. Yes. OK okay i understand a vlasic uh pickle a stork sure because they have the long the long beaks and the shoe bills while they have a bill like a shoe and they just look at you with the dumb eyes wouldn't that be like a shoe tongue what's a shoe bill a bill yeah the bill is is the is the beak no No, I know.

Like a duck bill. I mean. On a shoe? No, a shoe doesn't have a bill. The bill is shaped like a shoe. There's not a shoe. The shoe doesn't have a bill. No, I thought that you were saying the tongue of a shoe can also be called a bill.

No, I never said that. I thought that you introduced tongues and i was confused listen i wasn't i'm not familiar with the shoe bill store so i yeah i have a regrettable news about the cut thing oh no oh no what what now what is the problem i we were doing it by your system. I know. I said that was my system and I tested it out before the show for a long time and what I realized

I did was all I said was cut over and over again, you know, with long pauses in between. So I thought I could really recognize that waveform because it was so clear. Because it really recognize that waveform. Because it was the only waveform.

Right. That's what I'm realizing now. And the rest of it was just a straight line. So now this just looks like a huge mess, and I don't think I can pick up. I'd call that a fatal flaw. What you're saying is all that's going to be in this episode? I'm afraid so. Is that? Yeah.

There's nothing you could do. There's no way you could listen back to it and take those things. Nothing. There's nothing. There's nothing to be done. Well, if I go backwards, then it's, I can listen in reverse. Is that nothing you could do. There's no way you could listen back to it and take those things. Nothing. There's nothing. There's nothing. Well, if I go backwards, then it's I can listen in reverse. Is that what you mean? Babe, I think you need to come out of the squid game room. I honestly think that it's messing with your head. And I think that it's not because there's got to be no window. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's playing the music. Oh, my God.

What does this mean? Creepy. When does this mean creepy when this you've got to get out of there i haven't seen the show is this a good is this you better get out good it's not good it's not good the door's locked something very bad's about to happen why did you rig it like this what okay that is absolutely that's horrible okay turn it off can you turn it off i think we should just turn it off i think you turn it off? Can you please turn it off? I think we should go and deal with this. Yeah. Well,

you need to get out of the room because I think it's really, really bad for you. Uh, and so that room is bad for you. It was bad for you. And I don't know why you put it in there. And by next episode, I feel like we'll have gotten rid of it.

I really hope so. I hope so. I hope so. Okay. So, uh, I'm going to, I'm going to put your, yes, so I'm going to put your

profile back up and we're going to see what happens. Oh, great. Thank you. Okay, we're going to see if you have any matches. This is on what are the sites? Where do you put this? Well, this is just on suburb sex. Okay, and do I have to join that? Well, I created a profile

for you, but you will have to download the app. So I can see who wants to have sex with me. Right. Well, that was one of your priorities. You wanted sexual intercourse, emotional intimacy, and you wanted sexual intercourse, emotional intimacy and TV buddy. Yes. Yes.

And so I decided, you know what I'm going to say, let's open it up. We can add the profile a little bit. I I'm up to mix it up as well. Any combination of those, if it's like an emotional buddy, someone to watch TV with, and sexual intimacy. Oh, that's lovely. If it's a sex buddy. Or is it someone to watch sex on TV with?

Oh, that sounds fun. Sure. But not that real sex. I don't want to see sex that's real. And so how do you mean? What would you want to see? Well, pornography, of course. But I don't want to see people from that HBO show, Real Sex.

I want to see more attractive people than that. Oh, gosh. I hope I'm not going to get canceled for saying that. Well, we're not cutting it because Doug can't. So, well, it's there. It's there now for all time. All right. We're going to get him out of the room.

And we'll be back with you listeners uh very soon and thank you so much for coming back it's great to be back and look we're thrilled to be back uh i'm looking forward to a great season if you want to write to us with uh something from your own neighborhood um you can uh you know give a screen give a screen cap hey if you want to give a screen cap and, uh, and send it to us at burnt and Joan at gmail.com. Um, uh, no comment threads,

but, interesting posts is what we're looking for. The comment thread, if that's what makes it interesting, we don't want it. Uh, so thank you. I hate to be so stern.

We love our listeners and they've been so complimentary, but, uh, again, just, uh just no comment sections. That's our one caveat. All right. Well, OK, I was done. So it's very hot in here, Joan.

I apologize. It's all right. You started out hot. And you know what? Dill didn't really do anything to cool down the temperature. No, he really aggravated me. And I think I'm taking it out on you. All right.

Well, sorry, Joan, you're of course a wonderful friend and I look forward to next episode hearing more about your one-woman show about the history of Dignity Falls women. We will talk all about it next time. Yes, we will. Until then, goodbye.

And bye. All of the posts used in this episode are real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is executive produced and hosted by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. Our producers are Brett Morris and Judith Cargbo. The show is engineered by Brett Morris, who also plays Doug. Dill was played by Lisa Gilroy.

The Neighborhood Listen is an Earwolf production.