The Neighborhood Listen - The Victorian Trench Coat with Andrew Farmer

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

Joan + Doug discuss their salt cellar room while Burnt shares his virgin lemonade recipe. Plus, special guest Mig (Andrew Farmer) tries to explain why he wears a creepy, custom made Victorian black trench coat around Dignity Falls.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHalf app and us, Bert and Jode, from coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

Hello and welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen. I am Burnt Mia Payday. I am a pharmacist here in the town of Dignity Falls. And with me as always is... Joan Penestrian, top realtor in Dignity Falls. Hi, everybody. Top realtor, that's right. You know what, Joan?

I don't think we talk enough about how you are the top realtor. And you've taken all comers. Doug thinks that we do. He thinks I do. He was just saying it the other night. He was like, God, you mentioned it like every time. And I thought, well, I don't know because I don't like to listen back to these sometimes. Oh, so he's specifically talking about the podcast. Every time we do the podcast, you mention it? Yes. I just meant conversationally, but the podcast as well. Oh, babe, I thought you meant the podcast. Oh. Doug, can you

give me an example of when Joan mentions it conversationally where she shouldn't? Yeah, sometimes when she asked me to pass the salt and I might be a little bit slow to pass it and then you know, I'm the top

realtor. You know what? I'm sorry, but there's a little more of a flair to how I do it when I need him to pass the salt. Oh, okay. That's not what I was thinking. I was thinking that perhaps this was going zero to a hundred

past the salt doug is like molasses over there uh with a salt shaker and then joan goes right to i'm the top real like you you acted as if she stood up from the table and was uh lecturing you and i think he's over exaggerating a little i mean i might have gotten to that point eventually but it's more kind of like pass that salt pass that salt because i'll tell you what, if I had passed that salt as slow as you as the top realtor, I would have never sold as many condos as I did down on Fort Knox

Road. I just don't want to drop it. Well, you're worried about dropping the salt? Babe, I'm sorry. You're going to have to explain what that means. I just want to be careful because it spills everywhere otherwise. Can you walk me through this salt shaker and why it's so precarious? Why is the salt spilling out of it to such a degree that you are treating it like it's nitroglycerin?

I think he's talking about the Laurel and Hardy salt cellars that he bought. Oh, sure. That he bought. Okay. Yes. It was a weird choice for him. It was, it was, I still think that it was a gift he thought I was going to like, and then he decided to back off of it. I think he thought it was right around Mother's Day that they appeared.

And I was like, did he mean to give that to me for Mother's Day? And maybe thought better of it and was like, I'm just going to act like I'm, you know, I was into these collector items. So perhaps because of your love of the stage and, and Laurel and Hardy,

of course they were in vaudeville. And I'm like give me Eliza Minnelli salt shaker. Exactly. It's like you go to a comedy club and you see the Marx Brothers on the wall. Like what does that have to do with what's going on here? So I think it's because if he's using those then

obviously they're not shakers. They're just in little, they're exposed. And so if he trips I suppose the salt would fall. But it's not, we're not always using those. It's straight. Do you feel like that about salt shakers too, babe? I hate to be a walkthrough hog, but I do need a walkthrough of these salt cellars

that are somehow shaped or associated with Laurel and Hardy. They look, the salt shaker looks like Hardy. Now, Doug, we've established it's a cellar and not a shaker. I don't think he really knows the difference. But it looks like a very wide

man. And where does the salt go? In his belly. In his belly. Okay, so the belly is just an open sort of cavern where the salt is placed. You can take the hats off. You can take the hats off and put them back on. And usually on the table when we're eating, we have the hats off.

You leave that. Oh, hats on the table. Okay. Well, there's no hats allowed on the people at the table, but the salt does. Of course. We make an exception, but they do have to take them off. Okay. So just so I'm clear, because I don't see them around here right now.

And we'll get to that, I'm sure, where they are. I didn't mean to get into this whole salt shaker thing. Well, we seldom do. But okay, so they are to the naked eye, they would appear to be figurines of the famous comedy duo Laurel and Hardy.

Without any lens of any kind correct. That's what it would look like. Without any lens of any kind. We're not talking about would look like. Without any lens of any kind. We're not talking about CSI. You get in there with the black light and the green goggles. Be it rose-colored glasses or a comedic lens or just simple contacts. That's right. It just looks like that.

Or the lens of the far future and people are visiting our time and saying, wow, how could they live like this? Well, that goes without saying. These are figurines. But if you remove the hat, they are both filled with salt. And is it true that both of them are filled with salt? No, the one's pepper. The one's pepper.

Okay. Pepper seller. Okay. Something I've never encountered in life. I don't think that's a thing. If you want to be a little more careful about your pepper use, because a doctor, imagine a doctor telling you that, that you have to cut you too much pepper in your diet. I've never heard of that before. Well,

of course not because you, you, you are very parsimodious with your, your pepper output or intake. I meant to say anyway, intake. Uh, and where are the,

where are the salt cellars now? Salt and pepper cellars. Excuse me. Uh, is it, I don't want to say. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, really?

They're in the salt cellar. Oh, okay. Now, is it possible that is where Doug is engineering from today? Yes, it is. Okay. So you have a cellar. For first-time listeners, Joan and Doug's home is just, it's somehow vast. It doesn't look it from the outside. But they've remodeled their entire home.

And they have a number of curious rooms and spaces. And so you're telling me that, is it just your regular cellar that has been converted into a salt cellar? Or is this a sub-cellar that is exclusively used for salt it is it's it's it was supposed to be exclusively used for salt you know uh and then we also thought it'd be cute to put some sort of um figurines in there you know sort of because i do have we have a lot of salt shakers we have a lot of salt and pepper shakers. Burnt, that's a lot of lemonade. We haven't even started yet. You just poured yourself so much. Tis the season.

I love lemonade, and you know, I love it unsweetened. Good, because I'd have to bring over the sugar. You do. He literally likes it. He uses, we have these lemon trees, and we have so many. Very pretty. Please, take them away from me. The lemon flower is sweet, but the lemons lemons are not but you just like it straight squeezed from some say

it's yeah some say it's impossible to eat but i i have figured out a way and that is uh i call it virgin lemonade and uh it is just the juice of a lemon in a glass and he likes the pulp he lacks extra oh i love it. Are you kidding me? How are you drinking that down? That is straight lemon juice burnt. It is straight lemon juice, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I think the pulp gives me something to do while my body is going through the convulsion.

so while i'm chewing the balls my body is getting acclimated to this uh this sour sour stream that's sliding down my neck oh wow i have tried to offer him all sorts of sweeteners because i have them all and he just nope it's just the straight lemonade for him now here's the thing i love sugar uh but i don't like it my lemonade heat i would just be so worried about your teeth you know isn't it supposed to eat away at the um what's it called not resin that's not the word enamel that's right enamel lemon juice does it really eat away at the enamel of your teeth well i've heard that it does do you think that's why my teeth are shorter now i think it's possible i noticed i've been noticing the last couple days. I caught myself in the mirror and of course I always smile when I look in the mirror.

And I noticed there was something odd about my teeth and I was like, are they shorter than they were before? Are you also learning you have to do more work to do a T sound? Like, you know, because it's just, you have to go. It's quite a journey. Yes, that's right. know because it's just you have to go it's not quite a journey yes that's right so if i want to say thesaurus it's it's i have to i have to i have to mentally remind myself got to go up a little higher with that tongue i thought that th would have been easier no it's the same it's the same principle you still have to get your you still have to get your tongue up against those teeth.

I go to the dentist. I get yourself to the dentist, Bernt. Oh, it's been such a long time. Why am I not surprised? Anyways, Doug is in the cell cell cell cell cell cell celler. That's something else. That's fun. Isn't it funny that you are a real estate agent? You're a seller of a kind.

Oh my God, you're right. The top one. Lest we forget. The top. And that's how we got started on all of this. All right. So I will, in the future, Doug, I will try not, I'm going to watch myself. I'll try not to talk about it too much.

I think it's because I didn't really get to do it for a year in person, of course. Right. So I think that's, you know, I just missed it. And I guess I'm usually out promoting myself to other people. And I guess I just felt like I had to promote myself to Doug this whole year. I mean, it is true. I put up, you know, I'm normally putting up posters on people's lawns and I'm putting up, you know, I'm on the sides of buses. But since I couldn't put up posters on people's lawns. Sure. And you drop off the notepads. So I so I couldn't do that I'm inside sure and you drop off the the notepads so I so it is true that I I did like a pillowcase and it was it was Doug's I was

like putting posters on his side of the bathroom and uh and he was getting a little tired of that I just I just needed to see my face do you know what I mean I just this is if I can't see my face on a bench in a blazer I don't know know who I am. Yeah, I understand that. I totally understand that. I mean, it's a big part of your identity. And it needs to be said that throughout the quarantine, you remained the top seller in Dignity Falls. You sold, you set a record, I believe, a local, if not national, for selling houses through

text messages. I did. And I wasn't aware of the national part, Bird. Where did you, have you been looking up a publication that I don't know about? Because that would be very exciting to learn. Oh yeah, National Records Monthly. Oh wow, it covers, must cover a lot of things.

That is a very broad title. People, people aren't, well, it's just this nation, thank God, but people aren't going for records as much as they used to. Of course, the Spelling Bee winner, she set a few records non-spelling related. The most recent, her name is Avant Garde. What a fun name for a child. I'm not sure that's exactly, is that the name?

I believe that's the name. Oh, okay. We should probably look that up. I'm getting confirmation. Okay, good. From a text message. Yes, I sold a lot of properties on tech, but I did open it up to other things like boxes, you know, and storage tubs. So I was able to, because I got into the rent business, so I was renting those and I was selling them. A lot of them were mine. But you know how we talked a little while about how so many people put things

out on the side of the street during this year. Absolutely. I would go around and grab anything that was like anything that was storage or that you could almost possibly live in or that maybe a small animal could live in. And you were renting these out. Did you rent anything to small animals? And you were renting these out. Did you rent anything to small animals? I, well, a few, but, but not as if it's the actual animal. It was just an owner who needed a, you know, perhaps a cat didn't agree with the family and they needed a place for the cat to live. So they would just put the cat in a store, in a tub, in a storage tub. Now, do you think, not for all time? I mean,

they would let the cat out, but when they needed a place for the cat to be, so I sort of got into like animal realty, if you will. Right. Now, do you think- And aquariums? Oh, I sold a ton of aquariums. How many? About 605.

Oh, you got it, Joan. Well, I'm talking terrariums. I'm talking fish bowls. Of course, of fish bowls. I sold a couple of cups for a goldfish. Listen, I mean, I can sell anything to anybody Of course, of fish bowls. I sold a couple of cups for a goldfish. I was, listen, I mean, I can sell anything to anybody if it's a living space. It's true.

You got to contact National Records Monthly, Joan, and tell them about this aquarium feat. I do. And her last name is Avant-Garde. I guess what I was thinking of her is her first name. I thought you were saying that was her entire name. No, sorry. Xaelia Avant-Garde. That's right. There we go. Because I knew there was another part to her name uh and she she was incredible wasn't she we all she was incredible we all have name parts um i don't

know i wanted to ask you crows are very smart and they remember faces do you think and and you can teach crows to to to to to work for you uh if you've ever heard of a crow box, you can get a box that dispenses food if a crow puts a quarter in it. And so you get them started, you put a quarter in there, the crow figures it out, puts a quarter in there,

gets the food. Then the crow eventually starts combing the skies for quarters. It goes up there, it looks for shiny things. I feel like I need to stop you. You're getting, you're on a real tear right now.

I'm on a real tear right now. It's probably the lemon juice. And I'm trying to figure out where it's going. Well, I'll tell you. Okay. So you won't, I'll save you the trouble. So, so you could rent space to crows because they would be, of all the animal kingdom, they'd be able to pay rent and they would remember

that you are the landlord. Can we go way back to the beginning where you said crows? Absolutely. Not to run through it all again, I just want to talk about the first thing you said,

which was crows remember faces. Yes, they do. Have we talked about this? I don't know. It doesn't surprise me that you know this, but is this a known fact? It's a known fact.

I've talked about it with Connie a great deal. But crows do their very— Because he recognizes your face. He recognizes my face. I recognize his face. Crows are very shrewd birds. They're very smart, and they have excellent memories, and they can become your friend, or they can become your worst enemy.

Oh. Well, I guess I don't really want to be a landlord to a bunch of crows because what if they if they know how to find me they know where i live they're gonna bother me all the time for things and well it's not like they have plumbing they're gonna show up in a murder and see i don't want to be associated with an animal where the pack of the animal is called a murder a gathering i mean it's called the only time i didn't mind that is when Sting sings it. But I mean, you love that Sting. He sings it in a song.

I love Sting. He sings it in a song. I can't remember what, but it's murder of crows. You know, he does that thing where he wraps his mouth around the sound. Like when in Fields of Gold he says, feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth. He really wraps his mouth around those

words and oh, it always gets me going. Doug hates it. We can't get into this whole thing. My obsession with Sting very much threatens him. Really? Is that true, Doug? Yes. Well, his tantric... He's had to go to so many Sting concerts. That's what he's worried about. And I told him, I don't need to have

sex for seven hours. His tantric skills are legendary. Babe, I don't need to have sex for seven hours. His tantric skills are legendary. Babe, I don't need to have sex for seven hours. I just need you to say, murder of Cruz. But I can't play bass that well. I don't even care about the bass. You know I don't. You know I should.

You love the vocals. I'm not about that bass. Not that bass. All sting. His sinewy arms. Yeah, see, Doug? You're getting it. He just is.

So he seems so affable and like he can just do anything. He does seem affable. Sting? Absolutely. It's the first word that springs to mind. A vuncular even, I would say. Oh, that's a good one. So listen, unless it's somehow

connected to sting I don't want anything to do with crows and I appreciate the idea but that sounds sort of intense to have all these birds that recognize my face uh you know contacted me for stuff because I'm next thing you're going to tell me is they can text and I don't need that. Them clickety clacking. I thought they could. A branch is leaked. That a branch is leaked. Oh, Doug confirms.

They can't. You're saying, Doug, they crows can text. I believe I've received several texts from them. From them. And so I'm pretty sure that was spam, babe. Wait, wait a minute. You know how we all started getting those weird texts that were very, very X-rated?

I don't know if other people have been getting them where it's just like, I want to do this to you. I don't want to say it because some of our listeners might not appreciate it. I want to go to your cum. Did you think that that was a crow, Doug? That one that Bernt just said?

Did you think it was an amorous crow? Well, there were two, all of these different numbers, about 15 different numbers on the text thread that I didn't recognize. Oh, that's right. I forgot that they were always group texts. Yes, they were group texts. More than one person was receiving these absolutely horrendous, crazy things. Do you know what I think it might be? I think it was the crows were just texting each other and they accidentally texted a human being.

Now you're sharing his conspiracy theory. You think it was the crows. It didn't make any more sense. I do believe that they would be extra dirty. Oh, crows, they're filthy. Filthy. Well, because they're just, they're just, I don't know.

They're sexy. I'm really back on the thing that they, I'm just back on the part that they recognize my face. I never knew that. Are you afraid that crows are putting you in their spank bank? This is maybe one of the weirdest conversations we have ever had. And that is really saying something. Would you be flattered if you found out a crow?

I don't even know how to answer that, Bird. I don't even know how to answer that. Although now that you mention it, they used to sit on my signs all the time. Oh, Bert. I don't even know how to answer that. Although, now that you mention it, they used to sit on my signs all the time. Oh, boy. And they would call a lot. Okay. This is... Can we go back to

talking about me as a realtor? Because honestly, this is just... This is... I cannot believe... I mean, if you were to just... If you are listening for the first time, because you said if we ought to be first time listeners, I am sorry, because I'm sure you are wildly confused. I am too. Just so you know, as the host, if you're the confused as a listener, I'm confused as the

host. I'm a little confused too. I will say that if you're a first time listener, I am dirtier this season than I ever have been before. Much dirtier than previous seasons. Burnt is more, guess what? He's more tart because of that lemonade. Maybe that's it. I think so.

Because we started in the summer and I've been drinking that lemon juice. Whew. And now that I really look at you, your teeth are getting shorter. Yeah, they are. I think they're a little Tom Cruise teeth. Not that, well, his teeth are very big ironically enough.

You know what got me hooked on this? One big one in the middle. You ever notice that? No, he got it shifted over. Oh, he did? Yes, he did. He had adult braces. Tom Cruise, adult braces wearer for a while.

That's right. I mean, that was... I bet you Sting didn't need braces. Probably not. I'm sure he had... The English are known for their teeth. But I did want to find out, Doug, who is your musical hall pass? If Sting is Jones, then whose is yours? Oh, for sure.

Sade. The Swedish taboo. I love that. Never seen her. I wouldn't have any problem. She's the best. I know this because he's told me that before. Absolutely fine with it. Doug, are you saying you've never seen her in concert or you do not know what she looks like? I don't know what she looks like.

I wanted a counterpart to sting and that was the closest I could get. We listen to her a lot in, you know, when we're in the boudoir. And she's sexy. She's sexy as hell. Is she?

She's a gorgeous lady. Her voice is miraculous, frankly. Her voice is miraculous. And then I made the joke, well, if you get a hall pass with Sade, then I get to sing at least. I don't want to necessarily be there, but maybe just in the next room singing. But then I was like, no, I can't. You necessarily be there, but maybe just in the next room singing. But, but then I was like, no, I can't,

you know, it would be just, I was trying to be, I was trying to be silly. Cause you know, she has sung before when we're kind of doing, and I thought, oh,

well, you know, if I, if I could be a part of it somehow, maybe I'll just do the singing. But right. So you're saying, you're saying since Sade is singing while you and Doug are having sexual

intercourse, why wouldn't you sing? I mean, I'm trying to be, he just goes, that wasn't dirty sing? Bert, I mean, I'm trying to be, he just goes right for it. That wasn't dirty. That was very clinical. Oh, no, it was.

You got to give me that. That was just clinical. Not the way you said it, Bert. Sexual Congress. Is that better? Ooh. Coitus. No, I don't like that.

Okay. All right. Too far. Again, I don't know how we got here. But yes, I'm fine. I think it's my fault. I'm fine with that whole pass because she's amazing. And oh boy, Sting, I mean, that's a better one than mine, to be honest. I mean, that's just it.

Why don't you both imagine Sade and Sting having sex with each other? No, I want to be there. I want to be in there. Oh, you can be there. That's what I'm saying. I want to be in there, Burns, is what I'm saying. I want to be in that. I want to be in that. That's what I'm saying. I want to be in there. Burns is what I'm saying. I want to be in that. I want to be in that.

Imagine yourselves in a foursome with a singing Sade. That's kind of fun. It is, isn't it? See, not so bad now. Is that a murder? That foursome?

A murder of what? He's, he's a participant. A murder of participants. Oh my God. I don't, I don't. Participants. A murder of participants. Oh my God. A sling. I don't know that you understand how possessive nouns work

or not possessive. What is it? It's a... Caught yourself in a trap, I see. I did. I did. I can't hold back. A murder. Well, we're going to take a break, and this murder of participants will be back with our guests. We'll be right back with more of The Neighborhood.

Listen. This is Charles. The subject line is coyote. And then the body of the message is, this guy is a big one. And you can't see it, but it's a picture of a big coyote. That's it. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. And as always, we have a guest from our neighborhood of Dignity Falls.

Joan? We do. And I'm going to read this post. And this is actually. Oh, by the way, we should explain the concept. And this is actually, by the way, we should explain the concept is that we we we look at a post on the neighbor app. That is the neighborhood social networking platform. And we look at interesting ones and then we bring somebody in to talk to them a little bit.

It's good that you said that, Bernt, because if they had just been listening to the first section, you would have never known that that is the purpose of this podcast. They would have thought it was a sex show for crows. A sex show for crows. No, I can't do it. I just can't do it like he does. How would Sade sing that? I'm not even going to touch that. She is a queen and she's magic.

But I'll tell you what, it would be perfection. Boy, my voice is just too nasally. We're not even going to get into it. There's some commenters that don't like the sound of my voice. What? I had one commercial out one time and someone was just like, I just can't listen to that commercial because it's so... What commercial was it? I don't want to get into it. We have our guests here, but it was just basically a commercial where I was on a boat out at link out. Sorry. I called it Lake Lake link. That's why it's so hard to say the title.

That's right. Why did they name it? I don't know. Lake link. So I was out of Lake link. Terrible. It's a terrible name, but I was out of one of those pontoon boats.

It was the 4th of July. I remember this now. It was the 4th of July themed one. And remember this now. It was the 4th of July themed one. And I thought it would be fun to sort of like have, Doug had a drone and it started close on my face and then pulled away. That's right. And I was said.

Wait, Doug directed this commercial? Yes. And correct me if I'm wrong. This was the Chamber of Commerce of Dignity Falls. And they did a commercial for the 4th of July. There was no, there's not a celebration. It they did a commercial for the 4th of July. There was no, there's not a celebration. It was just for the,

advertising the holiday. It was, but it was the summer that I tried to get into boat realty as well. Yes, that's right. So it was me saying, you know how I always say, I want to put you in a home.

Yes. Although we decided that was bad because it sounded too much like I wanted to put you in a home. How much do you admire Quincy? Say again? How much do you admire Quincy? Wouldn't you like to live

on a houseboat quincy i need to quincy emmy quincy emmy who's that the medical examiner played by jack klugman oh is this this is one of the older shows the original csi that's right yeah you lost me you were afraid people were gonna leave in droves thank god they came back for the crow sex. You're on a pontoon boat. So I was on a pontoon boat and I said, I'm Joan,

you know, when I was having to yell. So maybe that's why because it was a high, it was a high, well, and I thought that I still had to keep yelling.

I forgot that I was mic'd so when the drone pulled away, I thought I had to be loud enough to match it so it could hear me. I thought the microphone was on the drone. Well, because you enough to match it so it could hear me. I thought the microphone was on the drone. Well, because you come from the theater where it's all projection. That's right. And so I said, I'm Joan Pedestrian and this 4th of July, I want to put you on a

boat. And I just yelled. I yelled so loud and people just hated it. But I received comments. I think the problem with that commercial was because the drone was getting further away and you were trying to project more and more that people couldn't understand the word boat. So when you said, we said, I want to put you in a boat, they couldn't make out the last word.

And I think people took it as a threat. Because they thought I was saying what, bone? Some people thought you said bog. Some people thought you said barrel. That's two syllables. That's ridiculous. But why would any of those words put them in danger uh well it sounds threat i'm gonna put you in a barrel doesn't that sound threatening i'm gonna put you in a bog maybe except for the phrase it's over a barrel or in a bog i mean yeah i guess i well that they didn't think it was a play on the phrase over a barrel they thought i mean i know what's happened i

appreciate you giving me another reason for why people didn't like it as opposed to just that they didn't like my voice. But anyways, that's why I just didn't want to read this long paragraph. I'm going to try to read it very calmly. I'm going to try reading it lower. I'm going to try to have more of a radio voice right now. Give it a give an Elizabeth Holmes and see what happens. Just just like this? Yes, exactly.

It's perfect. Nothing to see here, folks. Everything's on the up and up with my company. I'm just, I'm not going to. Oh, I thought that was the post. No, because that'll just take away from the actual post. Let's focus on the post. I'm going to read it in my new join voice.

Okay, here we go. Just my husband in a long black coat. That's the post. I'm going to read it in my new join voice. Okay, here we go. Just my husband in a long black coat. That's the headline. It's a picture of a woman in her own coat in front of a Christmas tree with a man. But here's the thing, folks. It's just from his torso up. And so we can't see this long coat at all, but it is described. You'll hear how it's described. So she says, just my husband in a long black coat. I'm sorry if my husband has caused anyone an accidental scare. There was a, now deleted, post here, warning to watch out for a man in a black trench coat in the neighborhood. And also a kind neighbor checked in to tell me this trench coated man was seen leaving our front garden in particular. Well, that man is my sweet husband, Mig,

and we share our beloved home here on the corner of East East Lincoln. That's that weird one where they had to give it to, because we all have a Lincoln. So they had, instead of naming it a different president, they named it with a double direction. Yes, it's so strange because it's like East Lincoln and then there's like a little tiny

it's almost like just a meeting of grass and then it becomes East East Lincoln. Yes. It's a headache for the mailman. I love vintage and historic clothing and so I commissioned a brilliant seamstress to custom tailor a Victoria, Taylor spelled T-A-Y-L-O-R

I'm sure she did it, it's kind of a cute little mistake. Custom tailor, unless his name was Taylor mean, it's kind of a cute little mistake. Custom Taylor, unless his name was Taylor. Maybe it was Taylor the Taylor. Or her. She did say seamstress. You're right. So why can't men be seamstresses?

You know what? We'll just have Miggis playing all this to us. Okay. Absolutely. So I commissioned a brilliant seamstress to custom tailor a Victorian coat for him. He often wears it when he walks to the plaza for which I also need to know about. I haven't heard of the plaza for a late meal. I got I got to bed early the other night. He does recall a startling incident accidentally walking into some folks walking by the house. So that must have been the misunderstanding. I have so many questions accidentally walking into some folks walking. We let him explain so if you see him walking around please don't worry he lives here he oh sorry i have to go lower here

are some pictures of us for reference and he's wearing the hat and coat in the photo by our window with our nephew and me so everybody please welcome and I see he's wearing the coat, Mig. Mig, welcome. Thank you so much for having me. Now, Mig, first of all, we need to know about the plaza because I feel like this has been rumored for a while that they were building a plaza in Dignity Falls. And you're saying it's done? It's done. It has a wide array of supply shops where one can purchase medical-grade jars, soft-sounding shoes, really sturdy shovels, and various bones.

Okay, okay. Bones. When you say various, do you mean? Crafting bones, bones you might use for gifts, potpourri designs, bathroom accoutrement. It's primarily a crafting plaza. A crafting plaza. A crafting plaza, all right. Got it.

And are these bones, are they, what species would you say they came from? Reptile mostly, but it's mostly because that's the most likely bone you'll find when you go looking for bones. Because they taste worse than other bones, I think. It has something to do with the marrow. Okay. than other bones, I think. It has something to do with the marrow. Okay. So again, what I'm going to do is try to keep him on point here because what we're really trying,

I think what we were hoping to do. I have so many bone questions though. I know what we were hoping to do is make sure that we honor his husband's wish, which is that she says he's not creepy. So people are apparently upset by the presence of you in this coat at night mig and uh so i think right now i'd like to hear a little bit more about the incident walking into someone as opposed to the bones because i that might not that might get

us in the wrong direction if we're trying to turn people's heads around as to who you are and what you're all about so let's put the, let's put the craft plaza aside. But we will get back to it. We will definitely get back to it. But let's just start from the coat. And Bernt, you had some questions. You go ahead. Oh, I just had bone questions.

I got to think of a coat question. Oh my goodness. No, no, no, I got it, I got it, I got it. All right, so the coat that you're wearing, was this something that you desired or that your wife surprised you with? I think she and I enjoy old-fashioned clothing together. Since the death of my three previous wives, I hadn't had a coat that felt right to wear or one that smelled right. to wear or one that smelled right.

The scent of the cemetery can often leave long ingrained wafts deep within the fibers of any coat. And she wanted one that was less funereal and more memorial. Oh, so a long black Victorian coat. And so you've been married three times before. On paper. How does that work? Recorded. It's hard to, I've had a couple of common law marriages and then three that one could potentially look up and see, yes.

that one could potentially look up and see, yes. Meaning you were not living with these people? What, did you get married from a distance? When you spend a long period of time potentially with someone who is gravely ill and becomes more gravely ill the longer time you spend together, you get certain benefits once that person has passed away you mean and like you sort of become a caretaker and then uh you you are awarded certain

things when this beneficiary common law husband i and i want to say i i sense some discomfort from you with me in your home. And I think it's because of the unpleasantness with my last wife who fell out of the window onto the wrought iron gate. It was very public. It was during the block party, I'm well aware. And it had nothing to do with me. I will say when a doctor prescribes you resistance bands, use them as prescribed. Don't do anything different, for they can propel you seemingly out a window onto a wrought iron fence. I mean, how do we unpack everything that was just said, Burns? I don't know how to start.

I'll admit it's a lot. Well, thank you for that. During a block party, one of your wives, legal or common law? Oh, legal. Okay. One of your wives was exercising a la Harry Reid with these resistance bands and just, I guess, so much resistance that eventually they flew out the window. They flew out the window? She was doing this thing where she had tied it to a doorknob and walked in one direction with her arms behind her down the hallway for as long as she could. And I was arranging a bouquet of lilies downstairs when I heard a sharp kapwing and then a shatter. And I rushed out to the top floor out the window

where the whole neighborhood was staring at me, arms stretched before me with lilies as my wife perished on the ground below. I'm so sorry for, it was such an, it's so unlucky that sound she made was so comical and I really apologize because we, as you saw, we started to giggle a little bit real mad magazine sound

I'm sorry Mig this wrought iron fence I do have one question about that presumably spikes spikes yes Victorian and peculiarly this is outside your home correct yes they're impalement grade

spikes that the fence was made of. And that's just because you love the era. Is that correct? I'm trying so hard to sort of paint you. You know what I want to believe? And I'm sorry that I made you feel

like I was creeped out with you in my home. And I know sometimes we are afraid of what we don't understand, so I'm trying to understand you more because I don't want anyone to feel unwelcome in my home.

I'm trying to imagine that you're sort of like that old man from Home Alone. Oh, yes. He's next door and he just shovels salt and the brothers make up stories about him. But in the end, he's just misunderstood, even though he is very scary. He's nearly Robert's Blossom. I'm just like that man, except I don't perform a public service. I'm just like that man, except I don't perform a public service. I do, on occasion, walk up and down the streets late at night on my way to grave rubbings or to the plaza for a late night meal.

Oh, they serve food at the craft plaza? Is there a food court at the craft plaza? Hot or room temperature soup, depending on how much you're willing to pay. Certainly. So there was one, speaking of your nightly walks, there was one, a little confusing passage in the quite long post that your wife made, where it seemed like she was going to say you wandered into someone's home, but then she sort of pulled back. And can you clear that up for us? I think the word, the problem is the word she wanted to use was amble.

I didn't so much wander. I ambled into a home that was not my own. It was less of out of awareness. Occasionally at night, the glow of the streetlights, the feel of the cold temperature on my skin puts me into a trance-like state I don't know I have no concepts of man-made barriers or property lines

This makes it sound like this makes it sound like you were the one who was frightened because she says he does recall a startling incident Yes, this is your account Yes So you were startled? I wandered into a birthday party.

Oh, it says nothing about that. Wow. Right. Thankfully, she... I feel I need to be completely up front with you as neighbors. I wandered into a child's birthday party, admittedly looking like the grim specter of death. It was a startling event for everyone. I'm not going to deny that as a reality. And it was a nighttime kid's birthday party.

So I'm not the only strange one here. Let's just put that out there. There we go. I guess that's why you were startled. Who would expect that? Sauce for the goose. Who would expect a bounce house at night at night? And they were still serving appetizers.

This wasn't the tail end of a child's birthday. It was beginning at 9.45 p.m. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, you know what that is on them. That is on them. You're asking for a strange man in an undertaker outfit to wander into your child's birthday party if you have it after sundown.

I don't know what else to tell you. Now, let me – can I ask you, what was the reaction of the people at the party, the children, these night owl children? What happened when you ambled into the party? The fear of a child is measurable in various states of reaction. The first layer is a scream of fright. That's not what this was. There was actual existential fear in the whole room. You cannot put words to the experience

of walking into a room full of children in the dead of night as none of them makes a sound and the breath leaves their bodies in the opposite of a gasp. So just air going out? It is imagine the most

merciless version of a balloon deflating. And that's sort of the sound. No flapping. If you were holding it open totally, not a silly wee sound, just air escaping rapidly from a balloon. You are weirdly good at doing sound effects.

It is the oddest thing. It's true. You're very good at it. You're like, what was the guy's name? Michael Winslow. I tried doing sound effects. Oh, there's Doug. Doug was imitating him. Sort of a wife rap.

That was horrifying. Sorry, that was all the salt that got in my eye. Speaking of which, I would not recommend eating too much pepper because that is a surefire way to get prostate stones. I

did not know that. Well, that might be part of the reason I'm the way I am. Is that from personal experience, Mig? I do. I don't just wear Victorian clothing. I suffer from some Victorian ailments. Could you give us five? Iodine surplus. Wallpaper disorder.

Baby's breath brain, fingernails that are too little, soft ankles. I could go on, but I feel like that's terrible. That's plenty. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what I would what I could give you. Sure, at the pharmacy. What would you give him for fingernails

that were too small? Wrapping them in widow's lace and dipping in a mixture of petroleum jelly and tallow. It sounds like you've got things under control. It sure does. You probably have.

Do your wife and you like to do Ren Fairs? Is that something that you like to do? Or is that too simplistic for you? We do famous funeral reenactments. Like whose? funeral reenactments. Like whose? Sometimes they're like funerals that haven't happened yet

that we're, I guess a reenactment would be the false. So like fantasy funerals? A pre-enactment. Okay, a pre-enactment. Joe, were you going to call them fantasy funerals? I don't know. Oh, that was weird but iodine surplus wasn't? I was merely asking.

I was merely asking. But we've done kind of all the classics. Judy Garland. The Princess of Ireland. You really? He said the classics. Yeah. Everyone knows the Princess of Ireland.

Of course. Oh, what was that song, Joan? What was that song about the Princess of Ireland? We used to sing when we were kids. Yes. On the cliffs no more will she stand by. On the cliffs no she stand by on the cliffs. No more stand by. Cause she fell down off those cliffs aside.

So that is why. This song is tied up very neatly. It is. Well, they always tell a quick story. And it's usually about the death and why. And it's a warning. And it's always for children. They had to bury her so

quickly because the song only lasted that long. They didn't even do a repeat? No double bar? Virtually everyone got a shovel and three shovelfuls and it was done. Now, Meg, so one wife we know died by

a rubber band accident. How did the other two of your legal wives die? One died from ascending the staircase with a candelabra and it caught on to the edge of her nightgown and she was immolated. Caught on to... How did it... She was...

If you're holding it up... Was she holding the candelabra? Well, I was holding the candelabra? Well, I was I was holding a candelabra. Oh, I see. She was following me. You're being honest, Mike. This is fine. OK, so walk us through this.

So you're is I'm assuming this was a nighttime ritual because I bet at home you guys are getting all funky with candelabras and Victorian nighttime. What do you mean by getting funky? I would like meigg to explain it because I think he knows what I mean. I do. My bet is that some funky shit goes down that is Victorian style and it begins with you ascending the staircase

with a candelabra. And I don't know that I need to know what happens after that. But on this particular night... On this particular night, we both were in joys of the eroticism of holding multiple candles at once. Was it a night just On this particular night, we both were in joyous of the eroticism of holding multiple candles at once.

A night just like this when the fog slips down from the hills like a grandmother's hair falling down her back when the final pin is pulled from her updo.

That's beautiful, Meg. That's beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. So we were, we had finished music in the drawing room. I was leading her upstairs where we do poetry in the attic. And it was one of those things where she said something and I was like, what?

And she said, nevermind. And then Noah said, no, really, what? And I leaned a little bit too close to her nightgown, which was very dry. And this just goes as a warning, never sleep in a too dry nightgown. They're very flammable, much like a Christmas tree. It's tough because a lot of ladies like their nightgowns just so dry. Bone dry. What would you recommend?

ladies like their nightgowns just just bone dry yes bone dry what would you recommend um maybe hanging your nightgown in the bathroom when you shower it doesn't need to be damp it just needs to if you could potentially if you were to suck on the cloth you'd feel a little bit of moisture right so make sure you make sure your nightgown is as moist as a German chocolate cake. Exactly. But no coconut. Okay. You even clear your throat in a Victorian fashion. You do. So now that's what's funny is that a sort of relatively innocuous, modern sounding misunderstanding is what led to this very Victorian death. Death. Isn't that always the way?

I mean, maybe it's sounding like that is the way for you. So that's how so I can imagine that what people showed up to the house. Please tell me that you do have sort of you have phones in the house. You were able to call 911. What happens when your wife catches on fire? Well, I went down to our telling phone machine. I said, 456 Madeline. It took 15 minutes to be connected to the locust.

Oh, this was before you moved to East East Lincoln. Yes, this was before East East Lincoln. This was West North Madison. And can you explain the phone? We try to surround ourselves with the machinery of the era that we have a fascination with. You and all your previous wives and current wife. Correct. And we had found this in an abandoned Gilded Age mansion.

It still worked just fine. Mysteriously, it connects to an operator named Mabel somewhere, somewhere nearby. And she completes all of our calls. But Mabel was a little slow to get to the phone this time. And that 17 minutes really cost us in terms of. In terms of your wife being on fire. In terms of Winifred being burned alive. Oh, Winifred.

Beautiful. Yes. In both cases. Oh, I don't know, Brent. should we ask how the third wife died before? Because I do have a question, but it's going to be applicable to all three situations, I think. Yes. I mean, if it's not too painful to discuss, which we did not even cover before. You're right.

It seems like you're fine with it. Could you tell us how your remaining wife died? Yes. Lavinia's is less interesting. She was killed by a race car at a race car track. Really? It kind of doesn't fit into the whole thing, so I don't like to talk about it too much.

Sure. She loves race cars. Because you prefer it when the deaths fit into your preferable era? I mean, when you have a brand, you know. Meg, I do have to ask, did that car win? I mean, weirdly, the car wasn't involved in the race. It was a race car that was not involved in the current race. More of a decorative. I think they were trying to bring the Munsters back at the time,

and it was sort of a Munster movie. Oh, so then it was sort of a... Well, you've got to be happy about that. Well, I did. That had to have been the silver lining. I mean, otherwise, I might not be here today. I don't know that I could live with myself. Did your wife...

Did it die in a Victorian manner? Is that what you're saying? Yes. If she hadn't been killed by a car that had fabric tassels hanging from the top of it, I don't know that I would have been able to go. If she had been run over by the Batmobile, how that feel i don't think it kind of depends on the batmobile i don't want one that feels kind of scaled back like this is like a christopher nolan batmobile

that's like is this even what is this is a tank what does this have to do with bats i would like at least some sort of bat wing accent uh but still it's hard to lose three wives i okay so two questions and i know you want to get back to the crafty bones oh sure indeed i do um i was trying to let him sort of uh i thought what was going to happen was we were going to find out a lot of things that didn't uh continue to make make sound like he's might be a bit problematic and why people are scared. And that didn't, I don't know that necessarily happened.

We had three wives who've died. I'd say the first two, you were the only person in the home with them. What my question is, is were there police involved and were you ever considered a suspect? Because you got to admit these, these, it makes you look bad.

This is where it helps being the governor's brother. I'm not going to pretend that that privilege doesn't come with several benefits. I think some, but I don't know. When people see me, they kind of get the whole thing. I don't know. When people see me, they kind of get the whole thing. And also, again, you know, I think my brother is frightened of me. And I mean, I have no control over that.

It's true. Sibling relationships are difficult sometimes. Always is. Sure. I would not know. I'm an only child of only children. I have zero cousins. Is Mig short for something? Oh, that's a good question. Funnily enough, it's not even for something scary.

It's just like it just is what the color an eye turns when it dies. I think that's the Celtic rune for it. You're saying Meg is the name of the color? It's the name of the – it's sort of opaque. It's the name of the rune that indicates the color that an eye turns when a person has died. Sorry. Opaque green. Sort of opaque milky green. And your parents named you clarifying that. Sort of opaque, milky green. And your parents named you this?

Yes. Or did you choose this? Okay, you were born... No, they named me it. So a big part of this has to be on them, right? Well... Well, are you saying you don't enjoy the sort of the way you live?

Do you feel like you're trapped in it? I mean, does someone enjoy being a Lutheran? You know, it's like, how do you look at how you were raised? I can't answer that. It's no. You are right. Well, but, you know, it's funny because when you talk about the monsters, now the monsters were, they were hideous monsters,

but they didn't realize it, and they felt bad for their human niece who looked like a, who was a gorgeous girl. Marilyn. Marilyn. And so they were just opposite guys. You know, they looked at everybody like, if you like this, I don't like it. And if you don't like it, I do like it. But they seemed happy.

They seemed more confused than anything when people would knock on their door and when the door opened, the person would their hat would fly off door opened, the person would Bird loves the Munsters. He knows every single episode by heart. He just loves the Munsters. Did you know it's a comedy?

Because I had watched it for, I'd seen every episode a million times and then somebody said, I saw it on some list of sitcoms and I was like, oh I thought it was like a sort of half hour drama. So what did you think the laugh track was? Oh, I didn't realize it was people laughing. I thought it was people gasping in half-hour drama. So what did you think the laugh track was? Oh, I didn't realize it was people laughing.

I thought it was people gasping in fear. A Greek chorus of horror. Yes, a Greek chorus of horror. And I was always confused because Marilyn goes to school. Like, how was she— And sees other people that look like her. How was she not like, wait, I feel like my family is monsters. Yes. Everyone else that I've ever seen except for these four people

looks like me. Very, very confusing. But, you know, again, like all of the greatest sitcoms, that leaves you asking questions. Sure. Do you have a job? Did I do that? Classic sitcom questions. Yes, exactly. Do you have a job? Did I do that?

Classic sitcom questions. Yes, exactly. Do you have a job? I'm an embalmer and a preschool substitute teacher. Well, I was going to say on the nose, but then it took a left turn. Yeah, I mean, the embalmer,

I do for free. It's volunteer work. More of an avocation. Right, exactly. How does that work? How does one get to do embalming as a hobby? Kind of if you have the chemicals and the body doesn't, the stomach doesn't explode at the showing.

Well, I guess my question is, okay, so if you're not doing it, but whose bodies are you embalming if you're not getting paid for it? Are you just volunteering your services? I have a follow-up. And has anyone asked you to do this? Yes. Wow. We're not trying to be gotcha here.

Those are not gotcha questions. But boy, I feel like I'm walking into a minefield. Yes, I am asked. Do I do exactly what I am asked do the words embalm this person appear in what i'm being asked yes do the words please don't also appear yes but i hope they come after that last sentence not before what is it what is what is him classic please'ts when you're asked to embalm someone? Please don't take out the teeth. Oh, I wouldn't have thought of that.

I wouldn't have thought of that either. Yeah, please. Please don't push the jaw all the way down so that the mouth is open and the appearance of a final scream. Oh, like Connie. Yeah, Connie. Please don't bleach the hair white. A lot of these, and it's important because if you don't tell me not to, I'm not going to know not to.

Let me ask, do you, it seems like now that you've got me thinking about these things, when you embalm a body, do you prefer the eyes to be opened or closed? when you embalm a body do you prefer the eyes to be opened or closed? I prefer them looking in one direction to the side because there's something

there's something more powerful and lifelike rather than having the eyes open looking to the middle distance. How are you even able to achieve that? It has to be a plastic melon baller. It can't be metal.

No, no, no. What are you doing? But, interestingly enough, you'd think it would have to do with the eyes. Sometimes you can go in the ears from behind and rotate with minimal bruising. Just picturing a corpse

lying in a casket with snow white hair, its mouth open, and looking off to the side. It's quite an image that I have in my mind right now. It sort of looks like the body's been told an untoward joke. Mouth wide open, looking to the side like, can you believe?

This is utterly bizarre uh i'm very surprised i haven't i mean that word hasn't gotten around about some of these open casket funerals just about you in general um i i i want to ask you about your current wife. Sure. A, how do you normally meet people? B, this woman here, we don't have her name. Oh, no, we do. Oh, sorry. Aria, is it? What is it?

Aaliyah. Aaliyah. Aria, Aaliyah, we kind of switch it up now and then. Okay. For fun. Well, I do a lot of bar trivia, bar crawls, things like that. It's a wonderful place to meet people who know a lot about things they are interested in. And Aria, Aaliyah, she was in a final speed round at bar trivia uh and it was about different parts of the body that keep growing after you die sure and basically you had to ding a bell every time it was

one that would keep growing and you couldn't ding the bell when it was one that wouldn't, you know, and she got them all right immediately. And I thought, I want to buy that woman a hot cream. A hot cream? Is that a Victorian thing? It's a very much Victorian thing, yes. Okay. Like a, like a modern day latte or? Like a modern day latte, but just hot, hot cream.

Just piping hot. Piping hot. modern day latte or like a modern day latte, but just hot, hot cream. Just pipe piping, hot piping, hot. And it's really it. The, the vapor of the hot cream is really what you're enjoying. Oh, so you sort of just hover over it and pre scalded cream.

You're getting it. Yeah, exactly. And in this post, it says that she's very into historic costumes. She got the coat for you. So was it just a happy, I don't want to use the word accident around you.

Was it a happy, happy thing that she liked that you had the same interests? Or do you seek out only women who have the same interest in you? Or was this the first time that you met a woman who shared this interest? That is, I appreciate that question. I certainly feel that she and I have something that the other significant others I've had have not. And I think a big part of that is it's not just that she has a lot

of money. It's not just that she has antiquated undergarments that she collects. See, I told you they get funky. Burnt. Who? Oh, me. Yes.

Exactly. You did. Yes. So, please continue, Meg. So, this was a new thing for you, that it was someone that you could share these things with. She already had, because did you make the other wives just get into it before?

Yes, Winifred and Lavinia. Did you, did you get them into being? I had to call, I had to fight tooth and nail to get them. And I was like, your names are Winifred and Lavinia and you're not going to do that. That is strange.

Absolutely. Again, you know, Lavinia was all about race cars, which I was like, that's weird. That's right. That's very weird., that's weird. That's right. That's very weird.

We sit out here. It's hot. We're watching people do what we drove here doing. It just made no sense to me. That is nice, though, that you went along with her for one of her interests. I don't see you outdoors a lot. I just don't see you at outdoor events. Am I right in that?

I mean, I burnt through my parasol collection like you wouldn't believe. I would believe, actually. I wouldn't believe it. So Lavinia, that was more of an effort. Winifred just had sort of chronic vapors,

which I feel like eventually she was like... But not hot cream vapors. Not hot cream vapors. These are the bad vapors. These are the internal vapors, which I feel like eventually she was like... But not hot cream vapors. Not hot cream vapors. These are the bad vapors. These are the internal vapors. Sort of ongoing faint spells. Oh, that gives me the hot cream vapors. Maybe some sexy slang from Victorian times. Oh, boy.

Are we close, Mig? I mean, you're as close as a crow to a newly dug grave. Oh, no. I bet you do know a lot about crows, don't you, Mig? I was so thrilled to hear this discussion about how crows recognize faces. It's purported in ancient Gaelic myth that crows are the reincarnated souls of warriors who died ungloriously on the battlefield. Oh, is it? I didn't know that.

I heard they were all drones. It could also, they could be all drones. I have read the theory that birds don't exist. I've heard this. Yes, I've heard this as well. Oh, right. This thing. Yes, yes. I've heard this. Yes, I've heard this as well. Oh, right. This thing. Yes, yes.

But that is wild. Let's get back. Let's get back to my Victorian wives. Do you think, how long have you been together with this current wife, with Aaliyah Aria?

28 months. Interesting. How long in a relationship do you go by months? Until the relationship would be able to walk and have opinions, if it were a child. What percentile do you put this relationship in? I mean, in terms of how well it's going? I don't know.

Yeah, like the sort of, not literal, but figurative weight and height of the relationship. Yes. Oh, yes. I would say this relationship is very close

to a kid who you'd begin to be like, that kid's going to be good at spelling bees. You know? Oh, okay. So the relationship is walking at this point? Walking, understands shapes, is good at doing relatively simple puzzles, but also really listens to adult conversation. Do you know the type of child? Yes, yes, yes. Indeed, yes. Observant.

Yes, that child's not playing with that brightly colored tool set at all. They're listening to adult conversation. Yes. Yes. This leads me to want to know, do you want to have children? I would love to have children. Big, big fan. Big fan? Big, big fan of new people, you know?

Oh, well, a child is definitely a new person. That's for sure. Yeah. So then what about, how do you feel about this relationship? Do you feel like she will live? A. Good question. Might she be the mother of your first child?

Yes. I think, I mean, this one, the others didn't feel right. This one feels really right. She, I mean, first of all, she's very clear that she would, you know, plan on surviving, which I think is great. It's always important to have that conversation. Oh, I was going to ask you, does she know your history with your other wives? Oh, yeah, that's a great question. I mean, she knows it in many ways better than I do.

How's that? I don't get that. She's a fan of mysterious deaths. You know, kind of one of those people who you're like, what? Oh, it takes all kinds, doesn't it? Yep, yep, yep. And so she knew all about it, you know. And so we are thankfully on the same page.

I think we have both found each other. And sometimes, to be honest, I fear for my own life, which is really an exciting turn. Oh, you're excited about it. Why do you fear for your own life? Well, we were talking about... You mean because of these incidents like in the post or... Yeah, I mean, it's so funny because there are things that I used to do that suddenly she's asking me, like, would I want to be buried with a hat on, you know? And like, would I want a coffin to,

if I was going to wear a top hat, do I want a longer coffin? Or do I want them to like shave off some of the foot? You know what I mean? Because there's a standard coffin height. I mean, you don't want an off the rack job you certainly want your own bespoke coffin you know thinking about the hat

because the top hat of course has the brim and it's not going to allow you to lie back properly so you have to make some sort of incision in the pillow this is a classic embalmer and undertaker tool

you cut the back of the hat off This is a classic embalmer and undertaker tool. I figured. You cut the back of the hat off. Well, there you go. So it looks like it just sort of flows into the bottom of the coffin. It really is like a hat facade, you know, like in the film industry. Yeah. And then what you do, once you've cut off enough back of the hats, you can make a new hat with just

the hat backs. Hat backs. There was a Seinfeld about this. Well, you know, because I was going to ask you, are you saying that any of the, any ghosts that we see or that people purportedly see that is wearing a hat, if we were able to see the

back of it, it wouldn't be there? Are all those ghosts on the Haunted Mansion just hanging out with hat facades? They never turn around. And do you like that ride? That's true. You would never see the back of a ghost, do you, Joan? Well, I don't, but I bet you would. Ghosts, I don't know.

By the way, Berndt does not believe in ghosts. He only believes in ghouls. It's true. I think ghosts are a bunch of nonsense, but ghouls terrify me. The idea that there would be a creature that eats corpses in a graveyard at night is scientifically possible. Please stop. I want to circle back to two more things. I don't know, because here's the thing.

We do need to get to a point where, I don't know, but have we succeeded in making our listeners less afraid? I mean, I feel like he's explained these deaths in a way that I suppose they're understandable,

but if someone sees you walking along the street late at night, I don't know. I think some people might still be a little bit concerned. Well, you know,

I think we have established that you only need to be worried if you're going to be married. Married, that's right. That's correct. Sorry, Meg. Is that fair? And Meg, this is a very personal question, but are you a faithful spouse? I would never. I'm a monogamous man. I am very faithful. There's no fun. Again, I don't see any fun in um hurting the feelings of your spouse i would much rather put a rose on your grave than put a stake through your heart do you know like the old saying yes seal

told us uh but i i do i'm so grateful for the opportunity to clear up a lot of the misunderstandings about me. There's nothing to be. There's you can fear me like you fear death. You know, it's inevitable. But I mean, what are you going to do? You know, I'm going to walk up and down the streets at night. I might walk into your home. You're going to, you know, I might I might you know. I might be able to interject and say, I wouldn't walk into people's homes. I don't think that should be inevitable. I understand that we have to accept that you are what I think you are,

which is a gentle soul who has a love of the macabre, but just happens to have gotten very unlucky with the very odd deaths of three of your wives. Oh, I appreciate that. Also, I don't know. I don't know if I'd say, uh,

I will, it's inevitable that I'll come into your homes, uh, on a podcast. Uh, yes, I agree. I agree.

That's fair. Then let's put it this way. I'd say the only inevitability of some walking into a home was today because it was inevitable that you had to walk into my home to do this podcast, but I knew it was happening. And if I didn't, I would have had a problem with it. I'll be honest.

Then you know what? As a good neighbor, I will not walk into your home. That's not inevitable. It is inevitable if you have a preschooler. At some point, I will be in charge of them for the day. I got to stop you there.

We have to stop you there. I think legally we have to stop you there. But that is his job. He's a substitute preschool there. I think legally we have to stop you there. But he, that is his job. He's a substitute. Oh, I forgot about that, Bert. Oh, you thought that was just coming out of nowhere. Oh my goodness, I'm not a monster.

I'm just at some point dressed in all black with a death white face. I'm going to read to your kids. That's what's going to happen. You're more of an Addams Family guy. Do you do any characters for the kids? Is there something that's a go-to

when you just can set them at ease? Because you must have a way with children if you do that. And you'll forgive me for forgetting the detail about you substitute preschool teaching. A lot has happened. A whole lot has happened. I realize I'm a multifaceted person.

Sometimes the kids beg for me to play Hecate, the goddess of witchcraft. And that's as simple as just getting a mop from the broom closet, throwing it over my head and seeing who will provide the sacrifice, who will provide the sacrifice. And the kids run and hide. We have a great time. But this is at the request of the children. The children beg for it.

But again, consent as a teacher is equally as important as in a relationship. And, you know, the children beg for me to be the goddess of death of many different cultures. And it's part of, death is a part of life. They beg you. And helping children cope with it is helpful. Wow, I just didn't know kids these days were sort of maybe veering, skewing darker maybe. What's the matter with kids? Skewing darker?

Skewing darker. I mean, I think it has a lot to do with the types of cereal they give kids now. You know what, Mick? I think you're onto something. Well, Mick, it's been just a very interesting experience having you here and hearing all about you. But that is what the podcast is all about, is hearing about the Indignity Falls. Getting to know our neighbors.

It's full of interesting people, and this absolutely proves it. It's been such a joy to be here with you in your lovely home. And now that I know it's here, I hope to drop by again sometime. Just always let me know. Mig, anything to plug? Oh, let's see. I mean, cemetery season's coming up, everybody. Funerals are happening. If you need some kind of interesting looks, if you were thinking about, you know, I don't just want to be another well-dressed person in my coffin to look like everybody else. Let me know.

We can go through some options. And of course, embalming. Yes. That as well. Embalm. Yes. And if you want lessons, I can do that too. There you go.

Uh, I guess people can find you at that craft corner, that craft plaza. Oh, yes, with the crafty bones. I'm sorry, Bert, we didn't get back to it. That's all right. We'll go check it out. Yeah, we'll go check it out. The craft and soup plaza.

I mean, you could do a whole season on it. Sure, maybe. Season four, fingers crossed. All right. Well, thank you, Mig. And we will take a break and we'll be back after the break with more of the neighborhood listen hi there it's hannah and i'm selling a five lightlight chandelier light for $200.

Please note, one of the large purple crystals is broken, but this five-light chandelier has everything you're looking for. Vintage. Formal. French. Purple. Gold. Brass. Crystal. Light. Orange, purple, gold, brass, crystal, light, light fixture, pendant, beads, anthropology.

And welcome once more back to the, that was very confusing. We're all a little, listen everybody, sorry, we are just, I kind of feel like I was in the presence of someone from a different era like just I don't know, he was a little bit otherworldly. He made, yes, otherworldly he seemed not exactly human

in the way that the Munsters or even the Addams Family seem. True, true. Do you remember the Addams Family, they had a, there was a little guy who was just hair. Yeah, that was Cousin It. Right. Somebody thought of that.

Well, he's Charles Addams, the original cartoonist. You know, it started in the- Does it go back to the cartoon? It goes back to the New Yorker. His cartoon started in the New Yorker. I knew that it started from a cartoon, but I didn't realize Cousin It was part of the cartoon, just the hair pile. Well, now, that's a good question, but I think so. We had a little dog that was named, we named Cousin It for a while.

It was a little, you know, the little, lots of opposite kind, but if you let the hair grow long enough. He had a ton of hair. Absolutely. Sunglasses and a bowler hat on. I'm not saying it was an original thing to do at all, but I think a lot of people, a lot of basic ass people have done that with a dog. And we were one of them. No critique here.

I mean, I've not heard of that before, so you could have told me that you were the only ones that did, and I would have believed you. But I'm just saying maybe that's why I know a little bit more about Cousin It, because I like to research the names of my dogs. Find out the history. Like I learned really about more about escrow than I even knew, even though I was a realtor already. So you research, even though you're a realtor, you named the dog escrow. You did research the term.

Escrow is so confusing. Do you know how many adults have no idea what escrow is? I'm one of them. It's just something you say. I'm an escrow. I know it's a thing that you're in. Yes. Yeah, it's a thing that you're in. And that's a lot of things people don't know. I mean, even when you're in it,

you don't know what it is. I'm sure. It's mysterious. But it's all part of God's plan, I suppose. Although I'm not religious, I am spiritual. And why don't they have a book of names for dogs the way they do for children? Well, I mean, nowadays you could probably Google clever names for dogs. Yeah, absolutely.

Exactly. I'm sorry, were those still dog names? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Would that be a fun name for a dog? Yes, absolutely. People would think you've lost your mind a dog absolutely absolutely people think you were you lost your mind or if they were horse names you know and the guys tried to call who's winning

yes yes absolutely absolutely and you don't know which one it is what if you name your dog a horse name secretariat you can name a dog secretary there's no law against it mama's last chance Mama's last chance. These are fun. Well, we can name animals forever, but, and I'd like to, but we should, we should have one last post here on the neighbor's list. And this is a post from, from the neighbor half. This is posted by Alex. And the headline is, does anybody else, I should say subject line, not headline.

It's not a newspaper, but it is news. It is news that we're getting from our neighbors. Sometimes it sounds like it, yeah. Mostly it's a bunch of questions. But the subject line is, does anybody else see bats flying around in the sky around 8 to 10 p.m.? Now that seems like prime bat time, right? Alex goes on to write, I'm not sure exactly if they are bats, but I can sometimes see bat-looking creatures flying around and even sometimes hear a high frequency screeching.

Now, here's what concerns me. Okay. These must absolutely be bats. What else could they be? Right. The, the. If Alex is saying. The idea that they aren't bats.

He's not sure if they're bats. Right. It's too horrifying to imagine. You can't automatically say, are not sure if they're bats. Right. It's too horrifying to automatically say, well, of course, they're bats. It's too. Exactly. Exactly. It's too horrifying to imagine it is something else. I feel like that's what the hell is it?

Yes. Yeah. Yes. That like creatures that are so they're like bats in many ways. But there are some crucial differences. And I wish he elaborated on what made them not that man. There are like bats in many ways, but there are some crucial differences. And I wish he elaborated on what made them not. Batman?

Okay. Doug, your theory is it's Batman? It's several Batmans. Well, I don't know what a group of Batman is called. Oh, boy. That's one non-frightening. To me, that wouldn't be as frightening. Okay. You don't think it would be frightening

if there were several humans... I like that, a belt of Batmans. If there was a belt of Batmans, human-sized creatures flying around emitting a high pitch screeching noise. But see, Doug is picturing like Michael

Keaton and Val Kilmer. Oh, it's all the Batmans. Swimming. There's only so many. You know, sky swimming. Are they like moving their arms like they're doing a breaststroke? They're forming a V. Oh, they're like geese.

Like geese. But bats don't do that. They follow the same. It's a dynamic. Have you ever seen bats fly? First of all, they never fly in a group. Oh, and they are all over the place. They are all over the place.

They literally look like when you make a fake bat and put it on a string and just go like that. That's exactly how a bat flies. Just with no direction whatsoever. Just absolutely ambiguous. Joan, do you think we get that from TV shows where we were supposed to believe it was a real bat? It was just a thing on a string that they jiggled up and down. I would. But then when you see them, you're like, maybe they were just actually observing bats and that this is aerodynamically how they move. They might think this is close enough. It's not quite as cartoonish as that. You're right.

Yeah. They think this is close enough. Is the bat going to get mad? So that's what Doug is picturing when I tell you that he's saying he thinks it's bad i think you know right i don't think he thinks it's that's baby you don't think that's really what's going on well no it's just thinking of possibilities sure and why appreciate that yeah well that i think we could discount that one yeah but i think we can plaza bills yeah plaza bills Oh boy. We really, really went down a path on this one. So it's not a belt of batmans. We've established that.

I want to believe that it's just bats. I do too. And you know what, Bernd? Let's just go ahead and put our minds at rest and all our listeners and just say that it is. Because 8 to 10 is, like you said said prime bat time and not that channel right yeah i knew that was coming from the downstairs cellar uh and there it was because otherwise yes we have and you know what's interesting we almost should have asked mig we should have asked mig but you know what's interesting? We almost should have asked Mig then. We should have asked Mig. But you know what? He'd probably have five answers of other things it could be. And maybe we don't want that.

Yeah. I think ignorance is bliss. And best that we just live in the ignorance and the assumption that bats are bats. Yes. Well, that does it for this episode of The Neighborhood List. And thank you so much for listening. And of course, if you would like to share with us some posts that you find on The NeighborHap,

all you residents of Dignity Falls, please write to us at burntandjone at gmail.com. And we post, of course, the posts that we use on the show on our Instagram, The Neighborhood Listen on Instagram. So I've run out of things to say, Joan.

I don't have any more facts. I thought I had more, but that was it. It's fine. That's all. I do think you need to eat something because you just drank a second pitcher of straight lemon. I can't even call it lemonade. Lemon juice.

It is lemon juice. But I call it lemonade because I bought it from a stand. And, of course, it was the twins, Matt and Conch. I was going to say, that's the only lemonade stand that would sell. That's the only lemonade stand that would sell you just straight lemon juice. Yeah, they got me. They got me hooked. All right. So go eat something. I will.

Probably a lemon. And we'll see you next time. And until then, goodbye. And bye. The Neighborhood Listen is executive produced and hosted by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. Our producers are Brett Morris and Judith Cargbo. The show is engineered by Brett Morris, who also plays Doug.

Our guest today was Andrew Farmer. The Neighborhood Listen is an Earwolf production. Want more of The Neighborhood Listen? Sign up and get a free month of Stitcher Premium. Go to stitcherpremium.com slash neighborhood, select the monthly plan, and use the promo code neighborhood.