The Neighborhood Listen - The Witch Hazel Thieves with Janet Varney

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

Joan + Burnt reminisce about Old Town Dignity Falls, while Doug reveals his best home renovation yet. Plus, special guest Scotch (Janet Varney) tries to figure out who stole eight gallons of witch hazel from her home.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHap app and us, and Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell, we'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen.

Hello, and welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen. This is the show about the neighborhood of Dignity Falls where we take posts from the NeighborHap social networking application and we talk about them and talk to the people from them. I am one of your hosts. My name is Burnt Mia Payday. I am a pharmacist here in Dignity Falls. And with me as always is... Joan Pedestrian.

And I'm a realtor here. Do we talk about ourselves too much, Burnt? I mean, I have to ask myself that every day because I'm me. But... But... I'm sorry, you're saying that's a daily in the mirror question. Well, I have to look in the mirror and say,

don't talk about yourself too much today because it's feedback I've gotten from Doug a couple of times. But now, but now you're also, Joan is also a gifted thespian in the community theater. Thanks for always giving me a shout out for that. You know, I got to keep the dream alive, Bernt. I got to keep the dream alive. Of course you do. you do and and and may i say you are doing it but but is is it is it a certain self-absorption is that part of being a performer oh i don't know about

that there's probably some performers that don't think in their head like all the time about how they're being perceived and how they don't you think there's a couple healthy performers out there maybe i don't think so yeah i don't think so either i can't imagine why because if you if you did feel that way then why would you go into why would you do this why would you need this exactly exactly right well those are those are the people you know i i went to an ice cream uh an ice cream uh do these do we still say parlor do we still say ice cream parlor? With a U? Yeah. Parlor?

Or is that exclusively for funeral homes now? Oh, goodness. Well, I think if you have, I think in a town that's going to sell, we have an area. We have Old Town Dignity. Yes. We have Old Dig, as we call it. Old Dig, yeah. And if you go down to Old Dig, you've got the kind of street that's like that.

You've got the, when we really have gone for it, it gets very Americana. We've got the Barbershop Quartet out there in the summer. And we've got the fudge, because all you need is fudge. And if you have, if you have a place that sells fudge. Do you remember you did that song that time for, it was when the fudge store opened. And of course, Joan is a beautiful, is a fantastic singer. Oh, stop it. And used to sing and write jingles.

And they asked you to do, what was the song you did for the fudge store? Oh, it was Fudge Nudge. That's what it was. How did Fudge Nudge go again? Oh, it was like this. It was like he had to snap. And it loses a little something without the barbershop guys behind me of course because it was a call and response right do you need a nudge

and then they go do you need a nudge nudge and then one nudge oh when the low guy goes oh boy that was that was uh that was howell mccaskey and he sadly is no longer with us. R.I.P. That's right. But boy, did he have a great bass. I'll tell you what. He really did. And he looked the part. He was so old fashioned looking. He was.

He was one of those guys who looked old when he was young. Absolutely. He looked like he stepped out of a Matthew Brady daguerreotype. And, you know, very fitting. And he was crushed by a falling piano. I think it's the only time that's ever actually happened in life. But they were, you know, a couple guys raising a piano up. And it was an upright, not a grand.

But, you know, at that height, it doesn't matter. I wasn't sure why you made the distinction there. No, I, I just, I guess to paint a picture of people's minds of this man being crushed. Um, but, uh, but, but because in the cartoons, it's never an upright, it's always a grand. Yes. It's always a great. And they, they always survive, but boy, how did not survive? No, he didn't.

He didn't get out of the piano with keys in his mouth representing his teeth. He just was flat out squashed, and it was gruesome. Indeed it was. Wow. I hadn't thought about Howl in a long time, but anyways, do you need a nudge? Do you need a

nudge? N you need a nudge? Nudge. For some tasty fudge. For some tasty fudge. For the little guy, that's right. Right, and they had a really fun down at the end. Yeah. Then come to the fudge shop, come all.

Come to the fudge shop, come all. If you're big or you're tall or if you're small or you're tall, come to the fudge shop, come to the fudge shop, come. The problem was I shop, come. The problem was I couldn't come. You're getting emotional thinking about the song and how Because at the very end it went, it's the fudge and nudge and

Pinky Pinky the high guy, yeah. Yeah, Pinky did the fudge right, like that. That's like that and then Howell just went yes it was great and the two of them together it was unfortunately it caused the brown note to happen and uh a lot of people now explain the brown note well I know people could look it up people could look it up um I think it's better that way. But you know, I was down there in Old Dig and I went to the ice cream shop and

you know, it's... But it is shop PPE, right? Of course it is. We don't have parlor, but we have S-H-O-P-P-E. That's right. That's right. And you know, it's really a shame in front of the parlor. There's still a few of Hal's teeth in the asphalt.

Right, because weirdly it happened while they were performing. That's right. They were opening the ice cream shop. And it was terrible timing because it was right when he was supposed to hit the low note. That's right. And ironically, a lot of the lower notes did seem to ring louder when it landed. The other three guys, they saw it coming and they ran. And I can't believe.

Normally they're very tightly in a little semi-circle. And somehow it didn't get the other three. Yes. They just, I think because, you know, the low guy, he doesn't look up when he sings. He doesn't. He gets ready. He's in a crouch the whole time. And he was getting ready for it.

He was taking his breath. And the other three of them were able to. They at least out of their peripheral. Well, of course, Pinky saw it before anyone. And the other two. Slim and Gams. They saw it out of their periphery. And they ran.

Which is hard with those straw hats. But they did. Exactly. Exactly. Oh, boy. I really forgot about that chapter. Wow. Yeah.

You know, I think a lot of us just put it out of our minds because it was so gruesome. Well, but now there is of course an honorary statue right there outside the shop. Yeah. An honorary one.

It's not a real statue of him. This is just, it's not official. This is just an honorary statue that anyone can take if they want. It's not, it's like, it's like a uh it's like a quarter scale um it's kind of more insulting that it is a tribute i think right it is uh it's it's weird and it's him standing next to a piano which is just in poor taste oh why would they of all the instruments i know but it's because they used to practice around you know in their practice

it's based on an old picture of them standing around the piano. And so, but really they took out the other three. Just like in how, and just, just like how we met his end, he's alone with the piano. Exactly. And here's what I don't understand about why they rehearsed with the piano is because their music is a hop-a-cock-a-pella. Well, they just, they would just play the one note. My boy, it was before apps when you could just sort of, or the pitch pipe. When they traveled, they had the pitch pipe.

Out on the street, they had the pitch pipe. Do you know, Joan, I'm not as talented as you are, but I do one impression, and that is a pitch pipe. Would you like to hear it? Please. That is very good. Thank you very much.

I can also do what the actors in Planet of the Apes sounded like because their mouths were behind the masks, you know. And so there's like a little bit of- You teased me. You said you could only do one. I bet you it's more than two. You inspire me. But here's what they sound like.

How dare you come from the neutral zone? This is a forbidden area. You must leave here at once, human. They kind of sound like droopy dog. They don't sound unlike droopy dog. Oh boy. Oh boy. That was quite a tangent.

And weirdly we laughed more than I think we should have for remembering all of that. Let's say we were crying. I also forgot. I forgot. Here's the reason I went to the ice cream shop. Oh, sure. Sure. Sorry. Sorry. Is, is I, you know, there's a guy that works there is a young guy and he just seems to be having the time of his life scooping that ice cream. Slinging cream. Oh, he's so friendly slinging that cream. And he he's always like giving you extra stuff for free. You know, he's like, he's not, but for a while they had a cup

they had a couple people that hated the taste test. It was just every time you'd say, can I have can I try a little bit of the, you know, a triple karma swirl and then I roll, I roll, you know, and then they would just give you a little tiny taste. I get it. You can, during the summer, look, you can get a real big backup out the door if everyone's just tasting, tasting, tasting.

You just, you got to make your decision and buy. But I do appreciate that. And you know what? This is a young kid. It's dangerous too, because the other businesses on the street will not let you line up in front of their place to get into the ice cream parlor. So you, so you have to be out on the street. And boy, people do, they just tear down that road.

Tear down that road. How do you mean? I mean, they're speeding. They're going so far over the speed limit. Okay, so right. Because when people are lined up in the street and everyone's heading, you know, in the roadsters. They're lined up across the street.

And there's a weird thing going on between the two sides of the street because across the street, they'll let you line up there. They don't care. And then for some reason, the people on the other side, the side of the street

where the ice cream parlor is, they hate that ice cream parlor. Well, you know why? Because two doors down is the Froyo. I see. Okay. So what, how does that account? Why does the antique store

hate the ice cream shop then? Oh, well, I just think that's because they know that it's not, the ice cream shop crowd, just generally there's not a big demographic crossover between that and the antique. Do you know what I've realized? Is that there's a lot of fine goods stores on that side of the street, and I think they don't like people dripping ice cream on their wares. And it's children, and so they don't want families in there. They don't want children messing around with the old dolls and the old candlesticks.

That's right. And because this is known, the ice cream parlor is known for being a known napkin establishment. So you just go out there and that's it. You just have your hands. Well, because it's old fashioned. Did they give you napkins back in the 1800s? I don't think so. They were very expensive.

Ice cream was invented in the 1800s. And it was very. I thought so. I thought that sounded historically sound. Napkins. This is before paper napkins, which didn't come along until the 1970s. And people would, they would bring napkins from home when they went to buy ice cream. You know, I used to love, I don't mean to just pivot, but I used to love, I was just

thinking about antique, I used to love antique shops. Really went through a phase in my like early teens. Very, very into it. I was very into the Civil War. I was very into a lot of old... You were very into the Civil War. Yes, the letter writing. I loved anything Victorian. All the pictures of the, it seemed

more romantic. People wrote letters back and forth, you know, during wartime and I was very into antiques and now I'm just realizing I'm just taking home someone's junk. Yes, they didn't want it

or they died. You said that last, last episode burned. Did I really? What were we, what were we talking about? Or not last one, but I think I was talking

about people leaving stuff on the street, maybe sterling silver and I said, I don't know why and he said, well, maybe I think I was talking about people leaving stuff on the street, maybe sterling silver. And I said, I don't know why. And he said, well, maybe they're dead. Oh, well, I mean, look, whenever there's a mystery. We talk about death a lot on this podcast. It's surprising.

It's all around us. And I'm sorry, everybody. It's been such a hard year. I apologize for a lot of the talk. And we should be talking about ice cream. Did you get to the end of your story? Yeah. a lot of the talk and we should be talking about ice cream.

Did you get to the end of your story? Uh, yeah. Well, the thing is why that guy was so happy. Just, just, you know,

dishing out that ice cream. And of course everyone loves him because that's what he's doing. Sure. So why, you know, I can't imagine if you were, if you were that happy, uh, just being alive,

you wouldn't go into show business, I guess was my point. And you know, the funny thing is, he's probably an amateur actor. He's just doing that during the day to make some money. You never know. That never occurred to me. A lot of the people serving you are all people who have a dream.

Indignity falls. Well, you know, there's a lot of people are enjoying the indie scene out here. You know, there's a couple of people are enjoying the indie scene out here. You know, there's a couple of indies that are being shot out here because we've got some good locales, right? We've got the old we've got the old granite factory that is abandoned, but it's really great for horror films. We've had a couple of horror films shot out there. We do have so many abandoned mental institutions here. I think I think the most in America. We have five. That's a lot. That's a lot. I mean, I think the most in America.

We have five. That's a lot. That's a lot. And I mean, it's not that big a town. No, two of them are right across the street from each other. Oh,

they were like Macy's and Gimble's those two. They were, they were bitter rivals. In that they were rivals, nothing else. That's right. That's right. That's right.

Oh dear. Did you ever? Listen, I just, just let me say let me say one thing oh let me say i'm just glad you were out remember how i encouraged you a little while back to get out and do something and i love that you went out and got ice cream burnt yes what flavor did you I got this flavor. It was, what was it? Brown. That's how it starts. Brown, white stuff. Maybe texture-wise. Caramel. Yes.

Caramel. Sorry, more tan than white. I guess I got some chocolate. So you got the one I referenced. You got the triple caramel. The triple caramel, yes. It was chocolate with streaks of caramel going through it. Ribbons, ribbons they like to say. Ribbons. Oh, ribbons. I, yes. It's chocolate with streaks of caramel going through it. Ribbons, they

like to say. Oh, ribbons. I like that. That's very nice. It's like it's been sewn together just for me to destroy. What a way to think about ice cream. I don't know why. That just popped into my head. I gotta say, it's kind of patriarchal

bird to think about that. I suppose it is. Made for you to destroy. Oh, boy. Guilty as charged. I mean, it's a problem. Okay, so I'm glad you had that. I just want to say I'm proud of you.

You were going to ask me a question, but do you remember what it was? Yes. What have you been doing? What have you been doing, Joan? And did you ever, I know you're're a realtor but in terms of the the the the the realtor profession and being on the stage are they neck and neck for you do you like one more than the other you know i have to say this last year made me really you know take a look back at everything and all my choices and uh and i do i do all of them. There was time. Now's as good a time as any to introduce Doug.

Oh, sure. Hey, babe. How you doing? Good day. Hey. Oh, Doug is in the, oh, he's in the, was he snoring? Oh, that was, was that you, Burnt? That was me.

Forgive me. I momentarily fell asleep. I had a sugar rush and now I'm crashing. It was all those ribbons. Yeah, exactly. Burnt, you'll be happy to know I'm not in any unusual place. I've heard your criticism. I am in my brand new spanking recording studio.

Brand new spanking recording studio. We had a big discussion about this because we redid all the rooms and he said, listen, I appreciate that you have all these creative ideas, but I am the engineer for God's sakes. Why in the world are we not building an actual studio in one of the rooms so that I'm not

always outside? Great question. It's finally dawned on me. Absolutely. Finally, after two seasons. Yeah. Why not build a recording studio instead of walking around? Lying down in an empty tub. Yeah. Right. Getting lost in a wine cave all night.

Yeah. In the Ford Explorer that you renovated. You were on the roof once. Eating by mosquitoes. Yeah. Well, tell us about it. Yeah. I'm really proud of how it's coming along.

I've never heard him so happy. I've got to be honest. This is the most energy I've ever heard from Doug. What was that? Be proud of how it's coming along. Oh, he's recording. Be proud of how it's coming along. I can do stuff like that. What are you saying?

What was... But I couldn't... But I couldn't hear what you were saying, babe. What were you saying? Oh, wait. Oh, and then it becomes a devil voice. Was that you saying very proud of how it's going? Yes, that's what I had just said.

It's not coming in clearly. It's okay. As long as you're happy. Yes, this cool app on my phone. I'm sorry. So you're in a recording studio that you built, but you're just doing stuff on your phone. The recording studio is coming along.

Oh, I see. So far, just the phone. I'm here with my phone. It's a great app. Surprisingly expensive. What app is that, Doug? Vocal Boy. Is it BOI? It's $5.99.

Yeah, BOI. I figured. But it's amazing the stuff you can do with this, and I'm getting amazing quality of sound. Can you show us one other thing that it does? Sure. One other thing. Or does. Sure. One other thing. In your own time. Just play us one other thing it does.

Oh. One other thing. Okay, that does seem... Well, that was literally one other thing. It does seem remarkably like the first thing, only a different pitch. I have to agree. Thank you, Joan.

Well, if I can figure out how to... Oh, boy. It's stuck, I think. Just let me know. You did set up the recording equipment to record this podcast, right? Are you recording this podcast? Oh, yeah, that same as always.

That has no change. No, and it sounds okay. Okay. High praise. High praise. no change. No. Okay. And it sounds okay. Okay. High praise. Sounds okay. High praise. Well, there you go. We've checked in with Doug

and he's playing with his phone. Uh-huh. In a very expensive studio that he built. Okay. So you were saying about reevaluating

your life's choices. Oh, sure. And what I did realize is that I totally got into realty a little bit because there's still a performative aspect to it. You know, and I still there's still sort of an open house feels like it's like a show. You know, I wake up and, you know, Doug knows I get in the I get in the shower and warm up. You know, I would go through all the scales. I'd say got open house.

I got a show. And I realize now that might have been overcompensating a little bit and that I was probably trying to fill a hole that I that I couldn't without getting back on those boards. And so that's when I started doing the the community outreach. But I will say it's been nice. Community outreach. Well, that's how I like to frame it, because a community theater sounds, well, let's face it, kind of embarrassing. So I like to frame it as community outreach because we're holding up a mirror to society when we do theater, right? So I see it as a service. Is that wrong? I don't think it's wrong. I guess a case could be made that it's somewhat misleading.

But I know you, Jonah, and I know your heart. And, of course, you're not trying to mislead people. I think I'm changing lives. We did Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and I can't tell you how many women walked up to me in the grocery store after that saying thank you so much.

I finally, I got a divorce. And they were happy. You can't put a number on it. How many women came up and said that to you? Sadly, I can't. How about this? I don't want to.

Oh, fair enough. Fair enough. I'm sorry. You were saying I got another tear. But I think that your your thespianic abilities certainly have made you the that there's a reason why you're the top realtor in Dignity Falls. Well, I'm a competitive person. I mean, I can get competitive about anything, Bert. I mean, ask Doug. He knows.

Doug? She can get competitive about anything. And there you have it. All right. Confirmed. Coffee, orange juice, pancakes, anything. He's right. The second even breakfast starts

I'm highly competitive about breakfast I think I need a little more information here you know for example the kids when they were little wanted a Mickey pancake so Doug starts doing one I gotta do a better one you know and then it just snowballs from there snowballs making snowballs I gotta make a bigger one

and then you make a snowman pummels me with snowballs from there. Snowballs, making snowballs. I got to make a bigger one. And then you make a snowman. Pummel me with snowballs. I throw one, you know, fun snowball, and then she just hammers me. You know, one fun snowball. Yeah. Does this happen a lot? Every winter are we talking about?

Every winter. Okay. Now, Doug, I have to say, at this point, you should know this is going to happen. Well, I mean, she sort of made a day out of it. Now we have to celebrate. You getting pummeled with snowballs? Yeah, it's like a family snowball fight. Oh, I don't want to stand in the way. Now, of course, for people who are listening for the first time, Doug and Joan are married, and they have three wonderful children.

They have their daughter, Jeliope, and the twins, Matt and Grache. And every year, you're saying all of you, all five of you, go out there and you have a massive family snowball fight. We do. Although, and it's hard. There was that one year we got zero snow. And so what we tried to do is, I mean, we had a snow cone machine maker. We tried that. Snow cone machine maker.

Yeah. You put ice cubes in, get a snow cone out. That's right. Yeah, you got me on fun is what it's all about. Did I say it wrong? What did you say? No, I'm just remembering. It sounded like there was a maker of snow cone machines.

Yes, there was a, you know, Charles Schultz's famous penis characters. Sure, I'm familiar. Includes Snoopy. He at one point was given his own snow cone making machine to be the face of. I remember the commercial explained how snow cones work.

They said you put ice cubes in, you get a snow cone out, yum yum fun is what it's all about. Well, that's a good jingle. It was a jingle, but of course I can't sing. I disagree with that. I think you sound really good on our little jingle that we did for this podcast. I don't know why you say that, because I think it's very plain that I cannot sing.

you say that because I think it's very plain that I cannot sing you know there there was one time uh the first barbershop quartet that we had before uh all those guys what was crazy is you know you say someone as a singer maybe they're monotone all four of them were it was like they couldn't hear it it would would be like, hello, hello, hello, hello. And it's like they couldn't hear that. Yeah. And people would tell them, they said, no, no, no. I'm singing way up here. I'm singing way down here.

I'm here and he's here. And you're like, there's no difference. And they did it last long. But boy, oh boy. It was, you know, because that's my biggest fear as a singer. You don't know when you're flat. And because people can't hear if you're flat. How you know you are you don't that's why you're flat is that true it's true but can't you can't you uh sometimes start out flat and then right the

ship i mean it's really it's really hard to you sometimes all you hear it back and you're like wow i was really flat and uh you have to really work. And you have to really work on it. You have to really work on it. But it's a tough thing. So I'm glad we got rid of them. Yeah. Did you know they went on to become GWAR? They realized where their talents. Yeah, they realized where their talents truly lay.

And they became GWAR. Oh, boy. Well, that was a fun stroll down memory lane it surely was well we probably have to get to our guests though yes we should take a break uh when we return we will have uh a neighbor that we will have a chat with when the neighborhood listen returns Hello, this is Serena. Any free vacuum, Dignity Falls? Still looking for a free vacuum in Dignity Falls area that's available for easy pickup or drop-off.

Had two people flick from this site and really need one. DM me or text beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And, oh, actually, do you want to do that? Oh, sure. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, I'm still Joan Pedestrian. I like that. I'm still burnt me a payday.

We're still the same people. As if we switched or something. I know, I know. Joan Pedestrian. I like that. I'm still burnt me a payday. We're still the same people. As if we switched or something. I know, I know. In these last five minutes. No, we're the same people. We have not been taken over by demons. With Doug, you have a little... Yeah, I heard something.

Sorry, I swiped my finger across this. Is it still stuck? Are you still playing with your phone, babe? It's the recording. This is my first recording studio equipment. Okay. You don't have to get so defensive about it. I'm just saying it's not just a phone.

It's an app that is for recording. I know. I guess all I'm asking, hun, is that maybe you don't do that while we're recording? Because I think we're going to have a lot of interruptions with those weird alien sounds. Yeah. And it might be confusing. I thought we were in danger. I didn't mean to scare it to alarm you.

I just. Oh, I wasn't alarmed. I was experimenting. I'm ready for danger at all times. That is one thing about you. Well, I'm extremely paranoid. I will try not to. Great.

You have a go bag, right? For emergencies. I have several go bags. I have go bags. What are the go bag essentials? What are the go bag essentials? What are your go bag essentials? You got to have a fresh lunch meat. You got to have freezing cold water.

You must have road flares. You have to have a gun. And I have these, I have these these bags planted not just in my apartment but all over dignity falls wait oh what oh yes they're hitting all over they all have lunch meat in them they all have fresh lunch meat how often do you how often do you refresh these every day every day so do you have a wait hang on a second you have a very busy day between biking to potential crime scenes. That's right. And refreshing cold cuts.

Well, you'd be surprised how many of my go bags are near potential crime scenes. Somehow I wouldn't be. Actually, not a surprise at all. All right. We have to get to our guest. Yes. So this comes to us. This comes to us from Scott.

Scott or Scotty? I don't know. Well, is there a Y on the end? There's not. I have new contacts. I'm going to be honest. And I did say it said Scotty. Well, I don't know if it's a man.

I don't know. But it's the kind of thing where they put bifocals into my contacts, right? They can do that now. Progressive. Where it's like, right. And so when I went in and he said, we have to actually,

because I'm almost, I'm very, very, I have very bad eyesight. If you took my contacts away, I would not recognize you. How many readers have you bought from my pharmacy? None, I'm going to be honest. That's right. I'm going to be honest. I have a real superficial complex

about it. I am putting it off, but I like to wear contacts. Okay? I don't. It's a realty thing. Anyways, I like to wear contacts because I feel like I could connect with people more when there's glasses in between me and their face. I just can't, I just can't, uh, I can't do it. Right. Just like I tried to do a show with glasses once. It's the same thing. It's like, there's a barrier. I just, I don't feel like myself. You feel like you're in a glass prison. I do very much so. And I, uh, I, I basically went in,

they said, Oh, we can change your prescription, you know, what sounded like it was better, like my is getting better. It's like, no, no, no. It's because when you look down to read your phone, you have that issue that older people have. You start pulling the menu away from your eyes. Well, it's starting to happen. Anyways, you can do it with contacts, but I'm still getting used to it. So I'm sorry. I guess it's Scott, but maybe he or she prefers Scotty. We will find out. We will find out. And of course, even though we are about to interview this person, we are not looking at them and cannot see them. Nope, not at all. So here we go. This says theft of eight gallons of witch hazel. Really? Question mark, question mark, question mark. I guess I have been lucky with having a lot of deliveries left at my door with

no issues. But today I had eight gallons of witch hazel that were delivered at noon, stolen sometime in the afternoon. They were left behind a see-through gate, but it was locked. I can tell by the condition of the gate. I have many questions already that someone jumped the gate and hauled the product over. Obviously, the thieves had no idea what they were getting, but they were somehow enticed to take the boxes. Just had to get it off my chest as I have waited for weeks for this shipment and needed them yesterday. There are certainly much. I'm sorry.

It's M-U-I-C-H. Now that is in there and it's not my contacts. Right. There are much bigger issues in the world. I live at 2459 Herbert Hoover Drive. Well, I think that's a very bad idea to give out your address, but let's find out. Scott, Scotty, how are you? It's also not a great idea to read it out loud on a podcast. Hi, thank you so much. It's actually, this is, this was my fault. I was

so busy getting excited to type my personal address into a public forum that I, it was a typo. It's Scotch. It's actually Scotch. Oh, it's Scotch. Oh, I love that. What a fun name. I like that too. Scotch.

It is fun. It is. I'm very fun. And I do live at 2599. Well, I wouldn't, let's not, do you know what? I actually really shouldn't have even shared that address. It's just that I was busy reading and I didn't have time to edit it. So we can either edit it out if you want.

You're busy reading. Scotch is busy getting excited. There's a lot going on. It's like Richard Scarry's busy town in here. I love Richard. You know what's so funny? Richard Scarry got most of his business as an author from my father, George Barnes of Barnes and Noble. They sold almost completely out of Richard Scarry's.

And he was the first person, you know, as a small book owner who became a large bookstore owner to say, don't let the name fool you. It's not nightmare stories. It's fun stories. It's scary with two R's. Yes. I never knew if his name was scary or scurry. Either one. It's pretty terrifying. And you know what my mother calls it?

Rich Carrie. And it drives me insane. Rich Carrie. She can see it right there. She's looking at it right there. Oh, that's very strange. And I'm saying that as a person who wrote Scott instead of Scotch, which is my real name. So I shouldn't judge people who say or type the wrong names.

No, but it's right there. It also says Trader Joe. Come on. There's an S right there. But anyhow, did you say your father or grandfather was George Barnes? Yeah, my father. That's a big deal. It's a big deal. Yes.

And I realize now that I don't know how long that company has been around. So it could be that he started it very, very young indeed. Very young. It could be it was already named Barnes & Noble. Or maybe inherited it. And he bought it. I don't know. You might want to ask him.

Well, we were estranged for many years and I got none of that money. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah. No, I of that money. So, yeah, I brought it up. I brought it up. Fair enough. Scotch, I have so many questions for you. First of all, where did the name Scotch come from? Was that a name you chose yourself or was that your given name?

It was my given name. My family is from Scotchland. Not Scotland. No, no. Scotchland. Not Scotland. No, no. Scotchland, like where scotch tape comes from. Okay. I guess I don't know. The drink scotch.

I don't know why I didn't start with the drink scotch. I said scotch tape first. That was more appealing for too many people. Isn't that funny? I thought scotch came from Scotland. And I'm wrong? Is it called scotch? Do you drink a glass of scotch?

Do you use scotch tape? Got you drink a glass of Scott? Do you use Scott tape? Gotcha there. Yeah. You. Yeah. I got you. What do you mean, gotcha there? That was my thing.

No, I was. I said a thing that I should say, gotcha there. You don't get to say that. I'm sorry. You know what? He was talking to Joe. He was talking to me. Now, can you tell us where on the map is Scotchland?

I'm curious as well. Are you familiar with England? Yes. Are you familiar with Ireland? I heard of it. Right? Yes. Almost due north.

Of both of those? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yes. All right. I mean, without a map in front of us, this is probably not going to really be helpful. It's a fool's errand. It's a fool's errand.

Sure. I guess it is. Good point. Good point. I'd like to, if I could, first of all, I'd like to address the elephant in the room. Hello, awkward elephant. Hello. Hello.

I want to thank you, Bernd, so much for having me on your podcast, despite the fact that opening my own apothecary in Dignity Falls has been something that you and I have fought many times over in public. We were in the middle of what I consider to be our worst row when the piano fell on Pork Howell. So that granted us a bit of a reprieve. Did you realize this is who we were talking to? I did not realize. I've never seen Scotch not wearing, you know, the ceremonial robes. Scotch bonnet. Scotch bonnet.

The thing I, and so for people who don't know, the reason I was so perturbed about the apothecary opening was that I thought people are going to stop using modern medicine and they're going to go back to these old tinctures and salves and spells. And but I feel like I've made my peace with it and, youch, I want to formally apologize for the animosity of the past. And, you know, as they say, you do you. And if people want to go there and have their blood let, then that's their business. Listen, I appreciate everything you're saying. And I have a leech with your name on it. It's going to be a while before I come in to claim that leech. I think so. So, and just to clear the air, the final thing, just to clear the air, and I'm not saying I ever suspected you, but did you take my witch hazel?

No. Scotch, I promise you. Did you take my witch hazel? He heard the question. I think he's trying to answer it. On the life of Connie, I have not taken your witch hazel. I wouldn't do it. Because I know you know where I live.

I'm just clarifying for Scotch that Connie, this is a big deal. Scotch, this is how we know he's telling the truth, is because Connie is his, well, basically his family. He is his ventriloquist doll. And he, you know, they never leave each other's side. He's very precious to me. We never leave each other's side.

He never means it. I mean, he... He never doesn't mean it. We never leave each other's side. He never means it. I mean, he... He never doesn't mean it. Is that what you meant? I got confused in saying he never leaves his side and he definitely means it. So he means it. You were probably busy thinking something else.

I was busy thinking of something else. I always am. So he didn't take it, Scotch. So explain to us. So I'm assuming it was a shipment for your store or was it for your own personal use, this witch hazel? Can you explain what you use witch hazel for? There's a lot of witch hazel.

First, I want to say, yes, it's not an either or. Of course, it's for my own personal use. And of course, it's for the apothecary. Now, the reason that I put my address right there in the post is that my apothecary is in my garage, my detached garage. I've converted into this place of healing and bloodletting. And of course, I have a beautiful see-through gate. That's right. I wanted to ask you about that gate. How could you tell by its condition that it had been scaled? Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan, I think you're burying the lead. It's a see-through gate. You see, when they were filming the television series Wonder Woman many years ago, this is an old show.

This is nothing I want to say. No affiliation with the recent DC films. But when they were filming the TV show, I was living in Hollywood at the time and they had some leftover invisible jet material. And I said, that looks to me like it's going to become my see-through gate. And I was right. And I got it for a song. Oh, so they were aware that you were taking this. There was an arrangement.

Yeah, it was a musical arrangement. At the time, I was in a monotone barbershop quartet, and the rest of the band went on to become Bananarama, who do all sing the same. The same note. The three gals sing the same. Oh, oh, oh. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And so I ended up with Ad Material. And I have a see-through gate that I've traveled with ever since. I've lived in 42 different places. And it has come with me every time. And it's as see-through as ever. So you lived in Hollywood, California. And then you moved. Hollywood, Florida.

That's where they filmed Wonder Woman. Oh, sure. Linda Carter, many people don't know this, refused to leave Florida. Refused to leave. Would not leave the state of Florida. Was that like an 11th hour decision where she was like, yes, I'll play the part. And then like right before she was like,

and by the way, I'm not leaving Florida. And they were like, we're going to have to, as show business rules dictate, name a small town in Florida, Hollywood. And that's why it's called Hollywood. So everyone gets their wish.

And, and of course they, they had to, they had to accede to her wishes because they, they couldn't, no one else could fit in that costume. Not a person. Made it with such a tiny waist.

And there was not another human being who could have fit in there. No. That's right. No. But yeah, so it wasn't you. Well, that's good. That's how you have a see-through gate. Do you have any kind of nest cam, ring cam?

Do you have anything where you could take a look at footage? Any kind of security system? I don't need one. I can tell because if you had read my post carefully, no offense. You know what? I did it. I really was busy thinking about other things. I'm so sorry.

There's a lot to take in in this post. And the more you read it, the more times you read it, the more it becomes clear. Well, take me through it. Educate me. Explain it to me like I'm five. Now, as you can see from the post, it says I could tell by the condition of the gate that someone jumped the gate and hauled the product over.

All right. So I could tell from the condition of the gate and haul the product over. All right. So I could tell from the condition of the gate. I don't need a nest, whatever it is that you're... Joan, I think this was the question you were starting to ask was, how could Scotch tell from the condition of the gate that it had been jumped over? Yes, I did have that question.

It's not as exciting as you would think. There was the tracks of some sneakers that just sort of, the rubber sort of smeared at the gate. On the see-through gate? On the see-through gate. Oh. So you could just see that someone had climbed. I mean, it's not.

That makes sense, actually. It's not that different from glass. Yeah, if the gate is see-through, then you would see. It's just not that different from glass. Sure. Scott, are you all right? Fair. You seem to weaken suddenly when you were saying it's not that different from glass i hate to admit i hate to give up that secret because many people believe

that wonder woman had a true invisible jet and it was and it was mostly it was just like a type of plexi. So I could tell that someone had, my gait has been besmirched and there was no, and I could see, you have to look, I mean, listen, I don't have one of those cameras, so I have to do

the detective work myself, okay? I have to be the eyes in my own body opposed to a camera that can be the eyes outside of someone's body. Right. And so I, of course.

This is getting very. Woo. Real breakdown of cameras. When I came down, I got home and I saw, I first immediately saw the smudge. I know what to look for. And then I saw, I could see through my gate because. Sure. My gate is see-through.

See-through. And I could see that the expected shipment was not there and i was able to see that some sort of pulley system had been rigged for hauling purposes there was a little bit of the top of the gate you could see just a fray a little frayed cord that had clearly been raised and lowered and they had been pulling a little bit of fray happened and that's how i knew it had been hauled over. Really? Mm-hmm.

Oh my goodness. It doesn't take an apothecary to see that. But in this case, that's what happened. You have experience with material like that, but between hemp cords and raffia, you know you're... Sisal, don't get me... Jute, jute. Don't get me started.

So many healing properties. You know your tethers. There's so much healing that can be done just by twisting a simple piece of jute around your wrist. Listen, July P. went through a whole phase like this, you know, where she tried to cast spells on me. And she, you know, she wore raffia in her hair and she had, you know, and I wanted to support. But it was, she was very into that. I drew the line at bloodletting, though. You think that phase is over. You think that phase is over.

You don't think that she's still coming to my interesting. Oh. Well, wait. Oh, this is, wow,

Joan. Hmm, okay, this is, I didn't expect to have the spotlight turned on my life. Scott, are you saying,

no, I'm just, hmm? Are you saying, are you saying that joliapy is a regular at your apothecary? I mean, yes. Wow, when it goes up like that.

I will. I feel bad. You know, I don't like to come between a mother and her jeliopi. I don't want to create tension between the two of you that you're going to have to sage smudge out of your home. Oh, boy. And I'm so sorry to say this. The smell, it just drives me crazy. Well, it's a real tickler. She tried to sage the whole entire house.

Yeah, I just, it's not for me. It makes me sick to my stomach. Yeah, I'm sorry. You know what? I'll talk to her. Not that I'm saying that she still comes in with great regularity pretending she's at school

when really she's with me. But if that were the case, I would talk to her. And I will would talk to her. Do you know if that were the case i would talk to her and i will would talk to her do you know if that's what we're happening if you don't want to smudge with uh sage you can always just burn a magazine it smells great it's burnt what what are you doing over there in your home wait what i don't burn magazine this feels like i don't feel my father would approve of your magazine your so-called magazine burning.

What magazine? That doesn't sound healing. Are you burning? Anytime I get like a big fat magazine, you know, like a Vanity Fair or something like that. And you get those often, Bert? Not often, but every once in a while. People give me magazines a lot at the pharmacy. At the pharmacy, they give them to you?

Yes. Or they sell them? A lot of times, yes. Well, a lot of times people who walk up to the counter, they're just finishing reading a magazine, and they'll read them in line. That's right, because you do. You have that doctor's table side area where people can sit as if they're in a doctor's office. Yes, exactly. Because you think that makes you seem more medical.

Well, you've got a couple of chairs and a weird potted plant where you can check your blood pressure. I felt I had to do something after you opened the apothecary to reassure people that this is a medical establishment. It is not a witch's coven. We want to keep it. Let's keep it nice.

Let's keep it nice. We're an easy, easy. We've made our men's. Well, for some of us, witch's coven is not an insult. So we're still just doing fine. I didn't mean it as an insult. I just meant it

as two different things. Oh, thank you. So everything is great. So you've been burning literature. I burn, well an insult. I just meant it as two different things. Oh, thank you. So everything is great. So you've been burning literature. I burn, well, magazines. I mean, I don't know that the Nazis burned magazines. Let me tell you something. Us Weekly barely survived the 1930s.

I guess I could see if you were burning books and there were magazines around and you're like, oh, let's throw these on too. Well, now here's my question with the Vanity Fair. With all of the perfume samples in there, does it just explode? That's what makes it smell so good. Well, they're not vials, Joan.

There's so many chemicals in those perfumes. You should be using essential oils. Oh, I just get so head up. Well, now why would I smear a magazine with essential oils? I mean, scotch. Anyway, so... I think we're getting away from oils? I mean, scotch. Anyway, so. I think we're getting away from the topic here, which is this witch hazel, because I really did want to know what you use it for, scotch. Well, it's a soother.

Plain and simple, it's a soother. And this town has been through so much recently, what with the whole cowl piano fiasco and the fact that at some point we realized that our ice cream parlor was just a shop double p.e people have been very stressed the what now oh just the pandemic that on top of those things you mentioned anyway into each their own but it has been so tense and so witch hazel is a great soother many people think of it as just a soother for acne. It is. It stretches far beyond that. You can bathe in witch hazel. You can pray in witch hazel. It will save your life. You could have a baby and it would save your life. I'm sorry. What do you do with the witch hazel pads with a baby?

the baby. Burnt, it's a little hard to not be inappropriate with it, but let's just say that it's a bit of a mess and it's a bit of a car wreck and it hurts a lot if you have a baby a certain way. And a witch hazel pad is just like a soothing, cooling. Which way? Sorry? Which way? Oh, okay. I didn't know we were going to do this. Burnt, do you know how babies are? Okay. I didn't know we were going to do this. Bert, do you know how babies are? Talk to him as if he's a five-year-old. I do.

Explain it to him as if he's five. Mommy and daddy. No, I mean, just in the interest of time saving, I do know how babies are born. I know how babies are created. Listen, I didn't have a- But you were saying if you have a baby a certain way. Well, I didn't have a C-section, right? So it came out a little lower than that. Oh, birds, I didn't want to say that in the middle of the afternoon.

Be proud. Be proud, Joan. And by the way, I take offense, as should all women, at you talking about how it's a bit of a car wreck, a bit of a mess. Some people call that the goddess cornucopia. Oh, you know what? You are right. Celebrate your womanhood. Listen, and I do have a huge question about my moon rising.

And if we could get into it maybe after the podcast. Oh, sweet Virgo. I feel like maybe that's been my problem. I feel like that's been my problem. You're so hard on yourself. And I do think I need some guidance on that. But and you're right. You know what?

I should be more empowered. I was just trying to I was being I was downplaying it and I was being deprecating. I don't know why. You know what's going to make you feel better? If I could send you some witch hazel, but I can't. I would love to send you a little vial of witch hazel to cure your your ailing heart. I appreciate that. I can't. It's been stolen. Well, I have a bunch of extra pads is what I'm trying to say. Now, I don't know if you can use the pads, but just to answer your question, and let me just say right off the bat, however that baby comes out of your body, ladies, you are champions. And it doesn't matter. Doug, I appreciate you.

I see you, and I appreciate you. Doug, you're a little behind. Do you even know? I appreciate the little you have to do. Here's what I bet. I bet he fell asleep. He heard the word vaginal. He popped right up.

Those ears perked right up. And he was like, I want to be part of it. He said it like the song Tequila. Yeah, like he was on a game show, which, you know, fair. Listen, the bottom line is, if you have it, either way, it's wonderful and great. I hate it when they say it's a natural birth. Oh, all of it's wonderful. All of it's natural and nothing is I hate it when they say it's a natural birth. All of it's wonderful. All of it's natural and nothing is wrong.

However that baby comes out. But if you had Bert, but if you have a vaginal birth, it really is painful. Now you're saying it. And witch hazel, because I have to, because otherwise we're not going to get out of this moment. Vagina.

Doug, please let me finish. Please let me finish. You put a witch hazel in your pants right there and it cools it. Do not make me say panties. Oh, God damn it. I said it. And it's very cooling and it's very healing. It really, really heals.

You got stitches down there. That's why I said car wreck because stitches. It's messy. People in car wrecks often get stitches. Sometimes they do. The goddess cornucopia is a little... If they can be saved. The goddess cornucopia is a little, there's some cracks in it, if you will.

And so now you have to soothe it and heal it and witch hazel pads do that. And I'll tell you what, they saved my life. And I don't want to talk about this anymore. Fair enough. I'm starting to think maybe you took my witch hazel. You cannot stop talking about the merits of witch hazel. I'm getting worried. I have. I have. I save

the pads. I use them sometimes just to feel comfort. What if you had regular pads and you just stole my witch hazel and you've dunked those pads in there and now you're offering to give it back to me. I'm going to have to milk those pads to get that back into its original form. See, this is the thing. This is how I can prove to you

it's not because I only ever use the pads. I don't know what to do with witch hazel in a bottle in liquid form. What would I do with it? Drink it? Do you drink it? You shouldn't. Well, let's approach this mystery from a different angle. Scotch, where were you when

the theft took place? I guess you knew by tracking that it had been delivered at noon. I was expecting it at noon. I tracked it at noon because I could see the tire tracks. I looked at the literal tire tracks of the delivery van. So I knew they had delivered at noon. And it was stolen sometime in the afternoon. I, of course, was at the fudge shop.

Oh. Well. And. Felt the old fudge nudge. In Old Dig. Yeah. I felt the old fudge nudge. Came from right behind me.

I thought someone was going to push me into traffic. It was so strong. I felt the nudge for fudge. I had to go down there and get some fudge. So I got some fudge. It's the song that does it. It puts it in your head. It's so good. And I'm talking about the song. The fudge is only

average, but the song is so good. It's not great. Why is it so average? I don't know. It's runny. It's not the word. It's runny. It's runny fudge. You don't want your fudge served to you in that weird tube that they give you. You don't want it in a hard form, like a rectangle.

Here's what I hate. They have that big sign that says, don't ask us for the recipe. We'll never tell. No one wants that recipe. No, thank you. It's terrible. That's them getting out in front of something. Otherwise, it'd be hurt that no one ever asked for the recipe.

I think you're right, Scott. So you're getting the old fudge. Not worth it. Otherwise, it'd be hurt that no one ever asked for the recipe. I think you're right, Scott. So you're getting the old fudge. Not worth it. Your witch hazel was stolen. And so, is there anyone else besides Joan and myself that you could think of that might

wish to steal so much witch hazel? I mean, the fact that I've been able to name two possible culprits who are on this podcast. We invited you to be on the show to help solve this mystery. That belies the popularity of witch hazel. People love witch hazel. It is very healing. It's just very, very healing.

I agree with you. But, you know, it's not like it's at a premium. Is there a shortage out there? I mean, it's easy to get. Am I wrong? To be honest with you, I, and this is embarrassing as an apothecarian, I'd have never done the research. I don't know how it grows. I don't know where it comes from.

Grows? Well, you know, I'm a pharmacist and I can tell you no one knows. Is that right? No one knows? Is that right? No one knows? Witch hazel is extremely- If I Googled it right now, it would just be a shrug. It would be the shrug emoji. Yes, it would be that.

And the thing is, and witch hazel, it's just the most mysterious liquid that you can imagine. No one knows how it gets into the bottles. Oh, this is so- What? I can't tell you how relieved I am that I didn't waste my time. I guess. I mean, it's called witch hazel. I mean, it's very mysterious. It's not. Why isn't

it witch green or witch violet? It's witch hazel. Hazel eyes are very rare. One has to assume that witch hazel liquid is also rare. It was very expensive, I don't mind telling you. How much was it?

I want to say it was like $40. You want to say? $40 a gallon? No, for all eight gallons. For all eight gallons. Oh, okay. In the apothecary world, that's deep, mister. That's eight gallons of, okay.

I mean, that's a lot of money. To someone like me who principally picks most of my things out of in the case of leeches i pick them right out of the river and lakes and i pick my all my shrubs uh those are free for the taking so when i invest in something like eight i mean that's a lot that's you know i guess except for so far everything else you get for free mean, I'm not saying there aren't certainly much bigger issues in the world. There are. Oh, so it wasn't a typo. It was not a typo.

I was right, and I told you it wasn't my contact. M-U-I-C-H. It's bigger when something's bigger than much. Is that an old Scotch saying? How did you know? Of course it is. Well. Yes.

So, like, I don't know, what would be? You are soich a scholar. Oh, so it's not just with the word much. No, it's for moich, soich. Deutsch? Yes. If something is dutcher than something else? If something is dutcher than something else, it's Deutsch.

Oh, let's go Deutsch. Yes. Well, that's weird because that means that both of you pay more than what's owed. Above and beyond even a tip. It's like a real weird. I guess that's for good service. For exceptionally good service. Exceptionally good service.

You could put your dishware in a hoich. If you hurt yourself more severely, you need a kreutsch. A kreutsch. That's right. Yes. Wow. There are more than I thought. I mean, you get it.

I mean, you get it. You fill in the blanks. I bet you could imagine some of you kids at home. Yeah. Doug would say he likes to think of himself as a boych dude. Yes, indeed. And yet, is he? No, a lot of men like to do that. They think of themselves as very butch. I was just trying to play the game. Let me ask you, Scootch what what is something what what would you like to tell the the the witch hazel thief what would you like to say out there if

they're if this person is listening this person or persons what would you like to tell them i would like to say that while everyone here agrees there are certainly much bigger issues in the world, please, please consider returning it. You don't have to do the whole thing where you set up that pulley system to haul the witch hazel back over my see-through gate. You don't have to clamber over the gate. You need only put it on the outside of the gate. There are people in need of healing.

You don't need eight gallons of witch hazel. Whoever you are, I promise you that. So just bring it back, no questions asked. Bring it back, no questions asked. What if this is a Les Mis situation and it's not just some craven thief, but it's someone who has just a wrecked vagina? Burnt! Here comes Doug.

Wait, give it three, two. There you go. I knew it. I knew that was going to happen. I don't understand the wrecking. You're just acknowledging that you recognize the word vagina. That's your participation in this. I don't get it.

I take back that I use the word wreck. I just take it back. I take it back a thousand times. Okay. Thank you. I don't mean that. It was a goddess cornucopia. You should wear your experience as a badge of honor.

Oh, boy. So forgive me. I'll rephrase. Just a decimated vagina. And they say, I need this. It's not better. And Doug is going to come in again. I can't afford to pay $40

for eight gallons of witch hazel. I need this. You're not going to need to. You don't need $40 worth. Only I need $40 worth and it's so that I can hand it out to people in need at a small price. Yes, a markup.

Of course a markup. Yeah, how much do you charge them? I would say a teaspoon, a vial full of witch hazel is going to run you three or four dollars. It's nothing major. Wow. A teaspoon? I backed off that, a vial.

Okay, but a vial, like how big of a vial are we talking? It's got to have at least three teaspoons in it. I mean, it's still a bit of a steep markup, but, you know, I'm not in the apothecary business. And, of course, I can't talk about prescription medication. I mean, that's absurd. I was going to say, that is a bit of the pot calling the kettle. Exactly. And I tell everyone, I tell everyone, I don't set the prices. I wish I could be like that ice cream

guy and give people extra pills. Oh, I think that that's probably a good thing, that that's not the case. No, of course not. But, you but you know the pills a lot of these pills we're not talking about the opioids we're talking about there's many pills that you could have a ton of them if you wanted and it'd be fine

like the water pill St. John's wort wait a minute you're talking about the kind of thing I sell why are you going straight into the... That's where we overlap, Scotch. We're not so different after all. Oh, is that true? No, you absolutely can OD on St. John's Wort. I would not recommend it. I would not take it. If you're taking any kind of SSRI inhibitor, I would not take St. John's Wort. I would also

steer clear of Ginkgo biloba. If you are on any kind of Western pharmaceutical medication, there are many things you should not mix in the herbology world and in the pharmaceutical world. I mean, I thought I would. Thank you. Please don't start. Oh, boy. What did you say? He said ginkgo biloba. Oh, boy. Are you OK? What's going on in there? Is there enough air circulating in there? In fairness to Doug, it's pretty fun to say. It is fun to say. It's a pretty fun word. It's incredibly fun. Let's all say it. Ginkgo baloba. Ginkgo baloba.

Ginkgo baloba. Ginkgo baloba. That is fun. Ginkgo baloba. Ginkgo baloba. Well, let's try it. Okay, hang on. I'm going to start. I'll be the low. Or should I be the high? I'll be the medium. Okay, Doug's going to start. Doug'm going to start. I'll be the low. Or should I be the high? I'll be the medium. Okay, Doug's going to start.

Doug's going to start. Okay, you start. And remember, you have to hold a note out, Doug. Go ahead. Wait, where am I? Ginko biloba. Am I next? You started too high, babe. You got to go ginko biloba.

And then I'll do the next. No, you don't have to keep repeating it Don't you remember the barber shop So many notes I thought it was like the chili scene Doug Doug Doug Singing is just sustained talking That's right Burns right

So you just go just hold out I'll combine your notes Wait what Ginkgo biloba Now Burns Ginkgo biloba. Now Bert. Ginkgo biloba. Now Scotch. Should I do monotone of the barbershop or the harmony?

Do that one. Ginkgo biloba. Ginkgo biloba. Ah, wonderful. Not since a piano dropped on someone's head has anyone sounded so good. Scotch, let me ask you. If someone does return the witch hazel,

is this a no questions asked situation? They can just drop it off? A hundred percent. As everyone knows now, A, you know where I live, and B, you know I don't have... 2945 Herbert Hoover. And I believe that's the only house on that street.

Am I correct? It's the only house on that street. Am I correct? It's the only house on that street. Yes. The rest of it is a bird sanctuary. And I'm very lucky that I get to dwell in the house that I do in harmony with nature. Wow. And we're lucky and blessed to have had you on the show. Thank you so much, Scotch. And if you're listening and you to have had you on the show.

Thank you so much, Scotch. And if you're listening and you are in possession of that witch hazel, just please return it to her. No questions asked. Witch hazel thieves, please. Except why? Why? But I know I won't ask. I won't ask.

Okay. But I will wonder. Well, we all will. There's things we're always going to wonder about. But best to assume it's just someone with a vagina that was raised to the ground. Oh my God, Bert! Alright, we do have to take a break. Scotch, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for this healing time together. Thank you. Of course. And the neighborhood listen will return right after this. With much, much more. Hi there, it's Lisa here. I have some chapter books for kids. They're free. You know, just chapter books for kids, just ones that I bought my kids. I loved them and now they're ready to move on. You know, animals, fantasy, police stories, Taylor Swift, you know, the classics. There's a Taylor Swift book called The Story of Me, a book called Rascal, just a black and white drawing of a boy with a pet raccoon or a buddy. Raccoon, I assume they just get up to all kinds of crazy things.

The book called Ten True Tales, and on yellow police tape it says police hero, so that's probably just about, you know, ten separate murders that police solved. You know, just kid stuff. There's a book called Stone Eye. That looks like it's about a wolf. And Avalon, which looks like a fantasy book about a girl and a horse. And then, you know, Black Beauty. I bought these books for my kids by wandering around the bookstore with my eyes closed. And just whenever my pointer finger hit, I opened my eyes and I bought book uh so uh i also have other books for sale many topics star wars magazines too

so just come on down and get all of these uh classic children's books okay yes i'm ready and welcome back to the end of The Neighborhood Listen. This is our final segment. Not the end. I know. I phrased that very poorly. I did. I phrased that very poorly. We haven't been pulled from the air. No, we're still podcasting and we have more episodes to come.

But I did mean that this is the final segment of this episode. And boy, that Scot Scotch that's quite a character. Is she okay in terms of thinking she's from, what that Scotch we didn't really push it but saying she's from a place called Scotchland Yes, when there is a place called Scotland

Was she just having a go? Was she just pulling her leg? I don't know and said that she lived in 42 different places before arriving in Dignity Falls. I missed that part. I must have been busy thinking about something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're a busy woman.

I wish we had had a map or a globe so we could have pressed more, but it's probably for the best that we didn't. Right, because even though we didn't have a map or globe, we needed that to make sure that we weren't wrong about there not being a Scotch land. Because there was still a possibility. Yes, we can look at our own time. Maybe go to the library. But sometimes Doug secretly, Doug, did you look up Scotch land? No, I'm still in the recording studio.

But we have the study that has a giant globe in it. Oh, no, I just meant, did you just type into your phone? Because I know you have your phone. Just like type in Scotchland. No, I'm stuck in the app. Stuck in the app? Yeah, as I mentioned, I'm stuck.

Okay. I didn't mention anything after that because I didn't want to interrupt the show. But, Joan, maybe after this is over, you could help me get out of the app. Have you just turned off your phone? I mean, what? No, it's full of batteries. Full of batteries? Full of batteries. It's still got hours left.

You're not saying you're physically stuck inside the app. Is that what you're saying? It's making it sound like that. No, of course not. No, I just can't get out of the app. Okay. So you just can't do anything else on your phone, you're saying? It's making it sound like that. No, of course not. No, I just can't get out of the app. Okay. So you just can't do anything else on your phone, you're saying? Yeah.

It's not a Gumby situation where you've walked into the app and now you live there. No, let's not be crazy. Oh, okay. Definitely, let's not be. It's us. It's not the crazy thing that I proposed. Yeah, this is on us. You're just stuck in the app.

Okay. Yes. All right. Well, if you are a witch-age-able thief, please do return that to Scotch. And hopefully that will be that. We do have time for one more post. And this is a, yeah, I think it's, this comes from Tina. Tina posted the other day, what's that smell?

What is that smell? Hi, everybody. I live on Chester A. Arthur. Does anyone know what the horrific smell is outside? It seems to be coming from either the storage units or the Amtrak station. Now, Joan, do you recall this smell? Because I feel like it permeated almost the entire town. Yes.

When was this? This was just a couple days ago yes uh we smelled it a little bit i think that it's tricky because we've got the brewery and sometimes you can smell the hops from that which is i love that lovely yeasty kind of smell yeah and of course i live near the paper mill um and so that's that's a very powerful smell. Yes, it is. And then we have the slaughterhouse, and so then sometimes that smell wasn't. I love that smell. You love the slaughterhouse?

Doug, you love the smell of the slaughterhouse? Babe, come on now. What? What is it? What is it? Yeah. You both love your smells. No. I mean, Joan liked the brewery.

Oh, you don't like the smell? I don't like the smell of the paper. I just remember Brent saying that. He just mentioned it was strong. No, it doesn't smell like paper. It's very pungent. It's a terrible smell. It is.

It's a very terrible smell. It's like rotten eggs fell in the sewer is what it smells like. Yes. Yes. So I guess between all of those, I wasn't sure if it was just a combination of all of them, but if I had to say it was sort of a, uh, well,

it was, it was like, it was like sickly sweet, but like, but like, it was like, um, all I could think of is,

you know, those little, uh, um, what were they called? They, they were, it was like wax and it was bottle.

It was like a bottle. And then you, you bit a little alcohol in there. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Oh, my. No, Bernd, I know what you're talking about. This was a kid's treat.

It was. They were little fake Coke bottles, little wax Coke bottles. That's correct. Yes. It was a little Coke bottle. And so, but it was waxy, but it's as if that was burning is what it smelled like to me. Do you know what's funny is it was a different smell for it's as if that was burning is what it smelled like to me. Do you know what's funny is it was a different smell for me.

Really? What I smelled, yes, what I smelled was, do you know when you walk through the airport and you get to the duty-free section and it's like a million perfumes all at once? It smelled like that, but in a hog farm. Oh, that's what you smelled? Yes, yes. Maybe something's wrong with my sniffer. I don't know. Well, I don't know.

I wish Tina had described— I mean, it did smell like something turning, you know, like a sickly sweet. Yes, it was not good. That's what I mean by sickly sweet. No, it was definitely not good. Well, we agree on that. Yeah. Are you saying it was corpse-like?

Oh, no, burnt. I don't—listen, I don't know what a corpse smells like. That's so dark. You've never smelled a corpse flower. What's that? What's that? Corpse flower is a special flower. It blooms very infrequently, but it does smell exactly like a rotting human corpse. That's terrible. There's so many strange things in this world, Joan.

I know, but I don't know. You know all of them somehow. I know a lot of them. I know a lot of dark things. Yes, you do. Do you think that's bad for me? Well, I mean, I don't want to go ahead and put that judgment on it. It makes me worry for you because I just think, you know, that's why I'm like, honestly, I know I don't mean to keep coming back to it, but I'm like bowled over that you took yourself out for some ice cream. Well, it was nice. It was nice. And it certainly kept the darkness at bay for a few minutes. What do you think is going to happen to me, Joan? Oh, boy, Bernd, I don't listen.

Between the... Now that I know that you're running around with fresh meat constantly and just shoving it into go bags near sketchy locations, I have to say that makes me worry that something bad is going to happen to you. You're going to have an accident. This world's crazy enough. I don't want you inviting something. But because you tend to lean towards the dark, I think you're attracted to the dark. And that's not a bad thing. Some people are comfortable in the dark, and I think that's great. That's you do you. But I wouldn't say you do you. I would end it there. I wouldn't say you do putting lunch meat in bags and sniffing out crime. And that's not something people say. You do you is the teacher. No, but you're saying it now. I'm not saying it. You just said it. I want to be very clear that in the context of what this was, it was that I don't say that.

Okay. But I did hear you say it. Oh, okay. But did you hear me say the other stuff around it? It's very important. I think I might have been busy thinking about something else. Oh, yeah. Listen.

Bernd, I have a question for you. Yes, Doug. Yes. In your investigations or where you scope out these dark places? What I do is I have made a map of probable crime scenes. Yes. And I visit these crime scenes to interrupt the crimes before they can happen. I believe Tina in this post mentioned a storage container.

Yes. I'm wondering if you have ever. The storage facility. The storage facility. Oh, no. Have you been there? Oh, no. First, it was this one The storage facility. Oh, no. You know what? Have you been there? Oh, no. It was this one of your bad.

Oh, my God. I do have a, I, I, you know, that storage facility that's near the Amtrak station. Yes. I have several plots there. I don't know what you would call them, but several. Again, that's so, They're just called units. They're not called plots. I blanked on the word momentarily.

Oh, boy. I mean, maybe you are too dark. I don't know who has ever called them. I didn't know. I just blanked on the word. It's public storage, not public plots. That's a good point. But I wouldn't say I had several storages. But public storage, if you'd like to advertise with us, you're more than welcome.

And public plots, for that matter. So I think that the refrigeration units are probably down because of that power failure that we had. And I think all of my lunch meat has rotted. So you had refrigeration units inside the storage? All of my, all of my units are refrigerated. Yes. At my own expense. I was just going to say that's very expensive and I'm not sure I did. They even, they allow that. I guess I'm surprised. I guess my statement is I'm surprised they allow that. They, they, you know, they're not allowed to look inside but okay so then how what about the the who how do you pay for it without them knowing because obviously someone's getting billed i i'm not i'm not proud to admit this but i just it's an extension cord that i plug into

no cord that I plugged into. No. I plugged it into someone else's unit. No. But that person died. Oh, again with the, oh boy. And the people at public stores don't know. So it's just free electricity. I wouldn't say. Okay. So you,

and the refrigerated, it's refrigerated simply to preserve your go-bag. That's the only reason that you bought. Well, the lunch meat that I put in the go-bags. I mean, I don't put all the go-bags in one place. Why would you? Cause that's not, that's not, that's a weird thing to do. No, I'm not made of bags. Okay. So I think actually you might need to go check on those. I think I should. Perhaps that's the reason why we're smelling. And it is weird because it's weird that I smelled something that was more on the sweet side. Well, it's all different lunch meats and, of course, condiments.

So perhaps you have, you know, like a sweet relish or something. Some expired mayo, a Miracle Whip. It's tangy. Well, you really go for it on these sandwiches. I thought that, because here's the thing. It was her bread? I thought it started out as just lunch meat. Well, it's lunch meat.

No, it turns out it's sandwiches. Well, I'm not going to just eat raw lunch meat. Of course, I'm going to put it bread. I'm going to put it condiments. Yeah. Okay, but you put them all together. You can say sandwich. I know you don't eat them.

But I don't put it in as a sandwich. I put the sandwich fixings in there. Okay, because I was going to say you don't eat sandwiches because of the shape. So I was surprised it'd be in your go bag. So I have round rolls. You just have the fixings. That's right. I figured out a hack.

I can't eat square food, but I can eat round food. So I put them on a Kaiser roll. That's right. Wow. Okay, this took a turn because I thought we were going to talk about the smell, and I would have really never guessed that the end of this whodunit is you, probably. Nor would I. I

really thought I had my refrigeration game on lock. Oh, boy. Well, okay, you need to go, like I'd say, immediately. Yes. And go check those. I will make that my one of my next stops. Like I'm uncomfortable knowing right now that that's what's happening in some units. I will. Before EOD, I will take care of that.

Before EOD. End of day. End of day. Got it. Or COB, if you like. Close of business. Yes, Doug? Oh, that's a fun one.

Take some magazines with you. We have a lot of extra magazines. I heard that you like them. I don't. He likes to burn them, Doug. Joan has so many one. Take some magazines with you. We have a lot of extra magazines. I heard that you like them. I don't want, he likes to burn them, Doug. Joan has so many magazines. I burn magazines. Well, give them all your Maxims from the Maxim Room. I'm sorry.

I know it's late in the episode, but there's a room just devoted to Maxim Magazines? We talked about it a couple episodes ago. Okay. I don't remember a lot of details. It's okay. Yeah's, yeah, it's a, it's a, listeners will remember it. It's all Maxim magazines.

It was a joke, kind of a joke room. We had enough rooms to just make joke rooms. And this was one of them. That's right. Okay. Well, we do have to wrap it up. Sorry for the smell, everyone. Yeah. Really didn't, I really didn't mean to do that, and I do apologize.

Yeah, you know, it turns out this one's been turned back on us, you know? And I apologize, and I will take care of that. Thanks. Well, again, we are The Neighborhood Listen on Instagram, and

we'll post our posts on there. And we are the neighborhood listen on Instagram and we'll, we'll post our posts on there. And we are burnt and Joan at gmail.com. If you would like to write to us and share your own neighbor, have posts that you've seen either from dignity falls or your own neighborhood. And again, we do not read comment sections. So just send the posts and thank you very. On behalf of Joan and Doug and myself,

we'd like to say we'll be back next week. I know. I don't know why this is happening, but the train has left the station. We will be back next week. And until then, bye. And bye.

The Neighborhood Listen is executive produced and hosted by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. Our producers are Brett Morris and Judith Cardboe. The show is engineered by Brett Morris, who also plays Doug. Our guest today was Janet Varney. The Neighborhood Listen is an Earwolf production. Want more of The Neighborhood Listen?

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