The Neighborhood Listen - Unhinged House Cleaner with John Milhiser

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Burnt gets pensive when a certain TV show is brought up, and Joan recaps her Christmas Cabaret. Meanwhile Doug brainstorms how to make use of a new room. Later on the show, Jimmy John Petesway (John Milhiser) tells of a harrowing encounter with a house cleaner.Want more TNL? Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to all seasons ad-free, as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker.

On this podcast, we improvise and character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. Knock knock! Who's there? Your neighbor! Good! In Dignity Falls, you're never alone You've got the Neighbor Half app and us,

Byrne and Joan From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell We'll cover it all And meet new neighbors as well We'll chat about any posts you're missing So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen. Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. If in fact you have listened to it before,

if you haven't, welcome. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls via two or more of its residents. I'm one of them. My name is Bert Meapate. Dignity Falls Via two or more of its residents. I'm one of them. My name is Bert Meapate. I am the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity Fallsmacy here in Dignity Falls. The Dignity Fallsmacy is a pharmacy.

It is. Yes, it is. Well, because I don't want people to be confused when they hear the word fallsmacy. Well, certainly if they're first time listeners, then they might be definitely confused. And, uh, I can't remember how is it spelled? Is it spelled P H A L L S M A C Y falls. I can use it in a sentence. Oh, please do.

Very good. That was a great sentence. And it is partially that because yes, that's our name of our town, Dignity Falls, but also there's a big waterfall in the middle of the building. There are cliff divers. Are there? Or what?

They have just been added, yes. Yes, that's right. There was a guy going over in a barrel. That's over and over again. Yes, over and over again. Every 15 minutes with a blood curdling screen. Yes, we finally disconnected the screen. Thank God. But yes, we've added cliff divers. What are the shifts for the cliff divers? I mean, are they there? Because you're open

at seven in the morning, right? Yes. Is there someone really cliff diving at seven in the morning? Yeah. Who wants that? Weirdos. You mean who wants to do it or who wants to see it? I think both, honestly. No one really wants to see it. I'm not ready for a cliff diver first thing in the morning. No, no one is. And I will say that the people that come in early, that early in the morning, are often,

well, I'm going to say all the time, startled by the cliff divers. Oh, for sure. Because the cliff divers give a mighty yell before they dive. No, this is going to be the same thing as the barrel. How can you have a feature that has no sound? Hey, look Joan, you're preaching to the choir. Is it like a Tarzan?

Can you give me an example of what the sound sounds like? It goes something, it's something like this. Hey! And then they jump. That's terrible. Yeah, it's less blood curdling than someone who knows they're falling to their death. That's true.

That's like a battle cry, what you just did. It's an attention getter. It sure is. For sure. Yeah, you would look, yes, I would look in the direction of that sound. And who are you? Oh, who am I to say that anyways?

Well, I'm Joan Pedestrian and a realtor here at Dignity Falls. I guess I should say in Dignity Falls. Yeah, that's right. Yes. And I haven't been down to the falls, I'ma see for a while. Have they added any more-

Well, that's probably good news. Have they added any more businesses? I know they have a dry bar. I know they have a postal store, right? They have a, like a, like a U.S. What is it called? Mailboxes, et cetera, something like that? This, yes, this is called mailboxes, unfortunately. Oh.

Because, because it's taking up too much space. And everyone has to be- Is this a change? Everyone works here is very apologetic. Is this a franchise or is this the only one of its kind? It is a one-off, yes. Thank goodness. And everyone is very apologetic, like,

I know this is taking up too much space. Well, why do they need all this space? What do they sell? What's in there? Well, people have PO boxes and then, but most of it is a lounge. Okay. Yeah.

Some of those stores are weird. I haven't been there, but you know, it's sort of like, it's almost like, every aisle you go down, it changes. It starts with just some cards and then some stamps. And then the next aisle, there's just a bunch of figurines of mermaids or something. And then there's like a whole row of very patriotic stuff.

Those stores are very strange, they're real catch all. Yeah. And the patriotic aisle has expanded to include many different countries. Yeah. Yes. I believe that makes a lot of sense. I feel like I've seen that kind of thing before. It does make a lot of sense. Well, it makes a lot of sense. I feel like I've seen that kind of thing before. Well, it makes a lot of sense for giving my experience in those types of stories. I see what you're saying. So they really answer the phone mailboxes. Unfortunately. Yeah. Okay.

We're sorry. We're sorry. I think it's tough to start a greeting with just full apology. There's a big controversy because the pet groomer has been discontinued. They were asked to leave the premises because they were just shaving pets bald. That's all they were doing. And then saying, I thought that's what you asked for. Oh, I hate that kind of thing. What's sick individuals who does that? They glued hair to a turtle. So they're adding hair where there isn't any.

There was so many furry snakes that came out of there. Glued it. That's terrible. They glued it. Exactly. You could just maybe, you could at least put a tiny little wig on them. You don't have to glue it to them.

These were, they looked like little, like if turtles had descended from some sort of mammoth turtle, that's what they looked like. They were wooly turtles. Wooly turtles. Yeah. Wow.

I really got to get over there. It's a real circus over there. They did not. They did not. First of all, I'm saying it would bring in a fish to get groomed. Well, apparently the boss was coming over for dinner. They wanted to make a good impression. Their boss was coming over.

What is this? A 1960s farce? I don't know. Okay., well that's got really serious. I was thinking of WandaVision. How that really affected me emotionally, yes. Oh, that Marvel show? Yes. Oh, it really affected you?

Oh, it's amazing. I mean, you know, it starts out as a sort of 1950s sitcom. Yes. And then it's in black and white and there's a laugh track. And the jokes, of course, and there's a laugh track. And the jokes, of course, were hilarious. They were funny. But then it got very emotional.

It did. As the series went on. You know, your voice, your whole demeanor's changing talking about this. When I think of One Division, I really get. What's happening to you, Burt? I feel like you're becoming a different person when you talk about this. I guess I felt like I became a different person when you talk about this.

I guess I felt like I became a different person when I watched Wandavision. See, isn't that funny? I just watched it and I was so jealous. I was jealous of those actors because they got to play all the different genres. And you know, I can do that. Of course, as most people know, I'm an amateur actor. You're a terrific amateur actor. Sure.

Great. Yes. That's good. Let's put terrific in front of amateur. Amateur will not go away. There's no way to take it away. You're a terrific actor. Because I'm not living in New York or LA. So it makes me amateur immediately. Well, you can live anywhere now from what I understand.

I mean, you can be unemployed anywhere in this business. You're no different than those actors in LA. That's right. I'm the same. This is exactly the same. I do have some sort of, I don't know if, I'm afraid to say exciting news. I have a development because I have been burned many times and this is going to

involve me putting myself out there again. As we know, last year for Christmas, I tried to do a Christmas cabaret where I invited the audience to shout out. I was going to try to do some improv as we've learned. I'm not very good at it. And, and people could shout out fake Christmas titles, Christmas Carol titles. And of course my twins just shouted out lewd titles.

They really ruined it. Of course I'm talking about my twin boys, Matt and- San Antonio Spurs. And San Antonio Spurs. And they are, those boys are a handful, let's say. And I mean, it is a long, just to say it is a long name. We usually just call Matt and Sass for short.

Matt and Sass. Yeah, Matt and Sass. They are, they're too old to be doing those kinds of shenanigans, I think. Oh, of course they are. They should stop doing, they should be respectful to their mother. I really appreciate that, Bernd.

But so, and you know, as of course I am, I've been sort of, I really stepped back a little bit from my female version of Hamlet called Herlitt. And I was talking to, I had a great meeting yesterday with some folks at the Dignity Falls Playhouse and they really, they're really stuck for a holiday show. And you know, I was like, oh, I don't want to do that again.

And then I thought, I need some training. If I'm going to sort of take on this huge project, you know, of a, you know, of, of, of Hurlett, then I need to, I need to build myself up. You know, like how Taylor Swift built herself up for her Airis tour concert. You know, I need to be on the treadmill, you know, like doing improv.

What? I get on the treadmill and Doug shouts out suggestions to me. Hey Doug, that's my husband. I need a little more backstory. Did Taylor Swift, she rehearsed on a treadmill? She did. You have to do that to build up your endurance. You run and you sing.

It's a real thing. I have not heard of this. Oh yeah, absolutely. It's very intense. Sounds intense. And it's inspiring. It's very inspiring. How come people weren't singing during marathons?

Well, because not every person who's a marathon runner is a singer. And why isn't Taylor Swift jogging in place on stage? She kind of does. Have you seen her show? That woman never stops moving. Oh, you love it. I think you'd love it a lot more than Wandavision. It's not dark like that.

This would make you happy. Wandavision. Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. It's almost like a shadow comes over his face. It's really wild. It was the most emotionally profound experience in my life. There's like a filter on you. So anyways, I thought, oh, that's good. You know, I'm going to get like also I'll get on the treadmill and Doug will just shout out suggestions, you know, or just characters and I'll try to do them.

And I'm not sure that it translates for that exactly, but I'm trying. This seems tough because Doug, your husband, it has been established, she does not have an imagination. Yes, when he closes his eyes he sees a straight blue line. At best. Okay babe, sorry we should probably introduce him. Doug is my husband, he is our engineer, he records us from a different room in the house every week.

Where are you this time, babe? I think it was your turn. I guess it was. When he's silent, when he doesn't answer, I know he's visually pointing at me, because he wants me to mention it. Because here, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Bernd.

Because he's proud. He is proud, but I'm not gonna let you in on this, but a lot of the times when I ask him where he is, I already know where he is. Sure, but it's for the listener. It's for the listener and it's also for him. It's a great throw. It's sort of like we're on a morning show, you know?

Yes, it is. This one was your idea, so I wanted you to present it. Oh, wow. Okay. It's the mug room. And I have... What I was gonna say. Well, I should hope so,

because I know you're in there. Why wouldn't you have said that? I thought maybe you'd have a more dressed up name for it. What a peek behind the curtain. Well, I'm sorry, babe. You can rename it anything you want. What would you call it? Thank you for apologizing.

What would you call the mug room? What would make it sound glam? It is fair. I don't apologize to him often. That's true. So this is a red letter day. Yeah. Give me this moment, Bert.

What would you like to call it, babe? I guess the mug room. Okay. That's just, what? So it's still the mug room, but you're pronouncing it the. Yeah. So it's the definitive one. There's other mug rooms. The mug room.

Is it two E's like Megan the salient? Oh yeah. There are many mug rooms. This one is mine. So, you know, I have been given, listen, I, we, we were just so crowded in the kitchen. We had no more real estate for mugs. And like I said, I get a pair of slippers for my birthday, anniversary and Christmas every year from Doug.

And before that, he was doing- The twins always give you a mug apiece. Yes, they give me a mug a piece. What does Julye be give you every birthday Christmas? Oh God, her attention and she knows that's what I want. That's all that I want. How does that, how does that manifest itself? Like you know, she actually, she's doing that.

No, she'll just, I'll know that she's doing it. She picks a day. She doesn't tell me when it's going to be. And I just, instead of just walking straight to her room and closing the door, she actually stops and answers my questions. Yeah. And then she looks me directly in the eye. She gives me eye contact, which is rare. And, and she, she compliments me on my physical appearance. Sometimes she'll give what she calls an experience, like a bonding experience. Or she gave you a shopping spree that one time. Right. One time she woke me up in the middle of the night

saying she had a nightmare and she wanted to get in bed. Because she knew I loved that when she was little. It didn't last long because she kicks in her sleep. It's very upsetting. Yes. Roundhouse kicks. Roundhouse kicks. Roundhouse kicks. So she stands up on the bed.

Full 360 degrees. I feel like she should see someone up in the bed. That can't be restful slumber. It certainly isn't. Rustful? Rustful, babe. Anyways. Doug heard what he wanted to hear.

I clearly said restful. So anyways, yes. Anyways. I heard what he wanted to hear. I clearly said restful. So anyways, yes. It's just, it's what, yes. I guess it is not a very creative room. It's a bunch of shelves. It's a bunch of mugs. And then- But you're saying you got so many mugs,

you had to build a room. Oh, absolutely. So many. How many are up there right now, babe? Cause we haven't even unpacked all of the boxes. Probably upwards of north of 3500. Yeah, a thousand of them are Garfield mugs. Can you, I'm trying to think if you can accrue

that many mugs in a lifetime. Oh, you'd be surprised. I am. I am twins, so just double the mug every time a mug is given. Double the mug. Double the mug. Times two.

And you, you want to keep all of these sentimental value? They do. That's right. Do you think they care? If they give you mugs every year. It doesn't matter if they care. This is for me. Most of these rooms are for me. Do you understand? So even if the gift is given in a perfunctory manner that has no meaning from the giver, it still has meaning for you.

Of course it does. Because they have handled this thing. They've handled it and they've managed to not break it and they've managed to not burn it. These are incredibly destructive children my entire life and all that I ever got from them was just pure misery. They love to destroy. The mugs are the one sign that they would stop and think about me for one second.

I mean, a lot of them say world's best dad. I mean, sometimes they didn't look, they just grabbed a mug. No, they say this is a Doug mug. A lot of them say, sure, Doug mug. I wish it said world's best dad. It says Doug mug. Well, and they gave it to me, babe. I mean, how do you think I felt? Isn't the idea of the world's best dad kind of, that Mugged. Pfft. Well, and they gave it to me, babe. I mean, how do you think I felt?

Isn't the idea of the world's best dad kind of, that's too much. Oh, it's way too much. I mean, even the country's best dad is. It is, I know. That's an honor. But the world? I know.

It is a little, especially after you give me, if you have a little, little kid gives it to you, you're like, okay, but if you're adult child gives it to you. He doesn't know, what does he know of the world? Yeah. Yes, but if you're an adult. But at least, at yeah yes but at least he got dugmuck I honestly don't think that man sass know my first name I don't think they know my name wow yeah they just call me bro these days so yeah and how is post-production coming along

in their chick-fil-a pilot well yeah prank your parents they're're cutting a trailer and as I said, I wanted to be on camera, not being pranked, but I wanted to see myself on camera, but they blurred our faces. And then so unfortunately what happened, I saw the first cut of a trailer, there was one where they kept, they had to do all new pranks for the pilot.

And I asked them not to do this. They did one while I was getting out of the shower. And they showed me this trailer. They blurred my face, not my body. I'm completely naked. And I thought, what are you doing? That's very unsettling. It's so unsettling.

Every aspect of it. Well, it's obviously not gonna make it into the show. I said to them- God, I hope not. Is it on cable? I mean, it's a streaming platform. No, remember, it's a streaming platform. It's Chick-fil-A.

So it's Christian. It's the only streaming platform that won't be available on Sundays, is that correct? Correct, yes, it won't be available. It goes dark. No, it just plays an Ash Lanthan on a flying flag. It gets a lot of views all day on Sundays. Wow.

Some people just sit and watch it. Fourth of July falls on a Sunday. Perfect. Has a cross dipping in Chick-fil-A sauce. Sure. A nugget shaped cross shaped nugget. Nope. Is that how you say it? Slow motion dipping. Yeah. Oh, slow motion. Yeah. For a second, I thought it sounded disrespectful, but

the slow motion obviously changes things. But so, okay, anyways, back to my meeting that I had with them, I said, okay, well, how about, you know, there's all these actors that get to do their one man check off or one man seagull or whatever, you know, and I thought, well, you guys don't have any plans. You know, the one I thought was kind of impressive was Gary Glenn Mee? Yes, I did not see that. Yeah, that was Pete Furnagog. Yes.

And he went for it. Did he? It wasn't good. Okay. But I don't see how it could be. I admired the effort so much. It really is. All of the characters sounded exactly the same.

Of course they did. He made no effort, did he? He didn't even move his body. He just kind of stood in the center of the stage. Honestly, he's lucky. He's a lucky guy. He's gotten a lot of parts just because he's the only really tall, really handsome actors we have in this town.

He's gorgeous, yeah. And he sells tickets. I mean, that's why. Yeah, he really does. He sells tickets. So it sucks because, you know, he doesn't really put in the work. He doesn't focus on the craft. Yeah.

He just stands there and looks pretty. That was less of a one minute show than a recitation. He really just seemed to be, had memorized the play and was... But then, and I did hear they had a turntable in the show. So how did that work? He stood next to it. And it just had rotating likentable in the show. So how did that work? Was he just- He stood next to it. And it just had rotating like props for him or?

Yes. The set would move around and he stood like just on the very edge of the stage as the set revolves. But it just, it was a continuous revolve. So it didn't indicate anything changing. You weren't like, oh, now this guy's talking because we're here. It was just, he did it almost like the,

the Micro Machines guy. Like he spit it out as quickly as he possibly could. Well, that is a man I thought that about for a very long time. John Machina Jr. Oh, you know his name. Also a beautiful man. Also beautiful. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Micro Machines man is bae. He spoke so fast. He spoke so fast. He smokes so fast. So you had a meeting. Yes. And I said, how about a one, how about a one man Christmas Carol where I'm just going to play all the parts, you know, and that is, it's easy for me because the story's already

there. I don't, I don't have to think about, I also don't have to really cut things. I don't, it's not Shakespeare, Shakespeare's harder. This is, everyone knows this story. Everyone knows it's a story. It's a short story. It's a short story. It's not that long. It's not that long.

It's a novella, I guess. Yes. Yeah, that's right. You're going to be everyone in it? Yeah, babe. That's what it means. Even Scrooge McDuck? Where do you think he appears in the story?

The original Dickens novella. Scrooge McDuck? Babe. Yeah. Towards the beginning, right? Where do you think he appears in the story? The original Dickens novella. Scrooge McDuck. Babe. Yeah. Towards the beginning, right? Towards the beginning. Towards the beginning.

Do you believe that he's the main character? Yeah, you could argue that. Kind of like how- Does the name, Doug, let me ask you. I love how he says that like he's in a college course. How did Darth Vader get in there? I don't know. Darth Vader is the main character of Star Wars? I would argue so. Okay, well you probably would. he's in a college course. How did Darth Vader get in there? I don't know. Darth Vader's the main character of Star Wars?

I would argue so. Okay, well you probably would. He's really using college speak. It's like he's in a very serious English course. Doug, does the name Ebenezer Scrooge mean anything to you? He's come up on the podcast, babe. He has. Ebenezer Scrooge has?

Yes, yes. He has Ebenezer Scrooge. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. Ebenezer Scrooge McDuck. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, meant agree to disagree. Absolutely. And you know what? I know what I've seen with my eyes and my ears. I'm not going to explore that. Um, anyways, I don't have a lot of time to put it together, so I'm just going to get started, but I've been on the treadmill. Doug has been throwing different wigs at me and I'm just trying to, I might do the show on a treadmill. I might have like, you know, you can have a turntable, but you can also have a built in sort of like walkway. That way I can sort of,

that's right. And people can walk past me with a coat, with a wig, with a, you know. I don't hate it. Oh, great. I mean, I think this sounds fun. And nobody's done this. Of course.

Nobody's done this. People have done one man Christmas Carol a billion times, but nobody's done this. Of course. Nobody's done this. People have done one man Christmas Carol a billion times. Yeah. But nobody's done this walkway idea. Yes. That's right. That's what I mean. Listen. I'm very excited about it. And nobody has incorporated Scrooge McDuck.

Which I think is terrific. Well, I was not going to. But now. Maybe use a little Easter egg. I get. I'll do it as a little Easter duck egg for you. You gotta slice the bean. What?

What? No, you slicing the bean for the family. This is Christmas Carol, they slice a bean. Slice the bean? Yes. Yeah. They go to Chicago. And they skateboard.

And if you can, if you can get enough air to sort of ricochet your board off of the bean, that's called slicing the bean. I did not know this. Yeah. Burton, you know a lot of different things. I do. Isn't that interesting? Aren't I an interesting person?

Well, you have a lot of knowledge of the entertainment industry, which always surprises me. From my girlfriend, Gabby. Well, how is she doing? She's doing terrific. How are you guys doing now? Because we haven't talked about this for a few episodes, but it does seem like you're evening out from your experience over the summer, leaving Mykonos, having to have an emergency lava landing, climbing to the top of the plane, getting picked up by helicopters

and having amazing sex afterwards. Yes. And then thinking I was immortal. And thinking you were mortal. Which I think that you've realized you're not after several reckless dalliances. That's right. And then I ate some celery, which I'm definitely allergic to. And you were reminded. that you realized you're not after several reckless dalliances. Disreputable things, that's right. And then I ate some celery, which I'm definitely allergic to.

And you were reminded. Yes, I was like, oh, that's right. Which I believe you said causes things to fly into your mouth instead of for you to choke. That's correct. That's correct. Just never heard of that before. Well, a lot of people have it. I think that you're the only one. It's rare. It's correct. Just never heard of that before. I well, a lot of people have it.

I think that you're the only one. It's rare. It's rare. For sure. Was it ants on a log? It was ants on a log. That's nice. Well, the first bite, sure. You know, I like the log. I don't like the ants.

And it's too bad because I'm allergic. Oh, but the ants are the best part, the little chocolate sprinkles. Oh, is that what that is? I thought they were raisins. I thought they were raisins too. This is a constant conversation with everybody I run into, people either grew up with raisins or chocolate sprinkles.

It's so funny. I ask you, what looks more like ants? Chocolate sprinkles are large round raisins? I guess for me, it's tough to decide. Which goes worse with all the ingredients that remain? Raisins! It's an easy answer. But that's funny because-

Hold on a second, done, done. Okay, hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Ants on a log is celery. Celery. Either raisins or chocolate. Celery first, then peanut butter. Peanut butter.

Did you forget that part? I honestly did. I thought it was something else. You thought it was just dry celery with loose roots? No, I knew there was some sort of paste that went on there, but I couldn't remember what the substance was. And it's not the substance, of course. But I was picturing something that was not peanut butter. There was more, I don't

know. Cream cheese? Yeah, maybe that's what I was picturing. I mean, people do do that, but that would be terrible with raisins or with chocolate sprinkles. I just don't understand how chocolate and peanut butter, of course. Sure. easy. How did the celery get in there?

Well, I think it was an attempt to get the kids to eat something healthy. Do you know what I mean? What a terrible attempt. Well. Celery, which is a health neutral plant. Not really, it does have fiber. It has fiber in it.

It has fiber and it has water. Okay, it has water. And you know. I need to hydrate my kids. I better get them to eat this. Well, and the problem is because my boys were pyromaniacs, they would make me do it on an actual tiny stick. And then peanut butter, and then they would just set it on fire.

So I just stopped making it. Yeah, that's smart. I think so too. But hang on. So now that you sort of leveled out, what do you two do now for a fun night out? Oh, sorry, Doug was holding- Doug was holding. And I bet he was holding his breath.

And back to you, Doug. I was going to just point out that it's interesting that Joan loves raisins on pasta and her recipes, but not on... What's it called, Paisana blanket? What? No, Anselm log. Where did that come from, babe? Are there any- I had to spit something out.

What other foods use prepositions? Oh, I was going to say chicken a la king, but that's a French preposition. There's chicken of the sea. There's chicken of the sea. The chicken of the sea. We just do not just cause him. Remember, remember those times. Remember those times.

Okay. Well, I didn't want, I mean, we probably need to take a break, but what, what, what was the latest out? And what told it all very good. Thated in a hole. Toed in a hole? Very good. That's right. Thank you. Thank you, Doug.

What are we doing for fun these days? Well, we've been building, we were trying to make a quicksand pit in her yard. Cool. Okay, this babe. Because we want to practice getting free of quicksand. sand pit in her yard. Cool. Okay, this babe. Because we want to practice getting free of quicksand. Why?

Do you want me to drown in quicksand? I don't. And listen, I understand like, why would you have ever pretended, you know, oh, let's do a drill of getting on the top of a plane that's in a lava slide, but that did happen to you. So I suppose it's fair for me to say, I guess anything could happen to you at this point. It's so true.

But this now sounds once again, like a cheat death scenario. And I don't want you in those. You should go to a movie, go have dinner. These are normal things that you do. But this is, I think because of our experience in Mykonos, we decided, uh, we should be prepared for anything. I mean, I understand that it starts with quicksand. Where, how, what's that rule that it starts with quicksand?

That is incredibly rare to come across. Okay. Well, it's incredibly rare to have a lava landing. I mean, that's true. Now what's the technique to get out of quicksand? Cause I've always heard the more you try, the more you sink. Yeah, you're not supposed to struggle. No, you're not supposed to struggle.

Look big. You're supposed to- Look big? No, no, Doug. Is that the version of just trying to scare a bear and just make sounds? Is that what you do to just scream to scare the quicksand? Now, I wish it were that simple.

You have to let your body go limp and you have to turn your face up completely towards the sky so you can get you can you can have as much air as possible till the last possible. Wait, that just so you just accept your death. No, no, no. OK. Then you start screaming for help.

All right. Well. You first make you make OK, as you realize you're in quicksand, you look around, look for branches and vines. Okay. This is, this is Burns, this is a callback to Jones lizard tricks. This is, this is Burns quicksand tricks. Quicksand quick tips. Quicksand quick tips.

Okay. Number one, look around. Look around. Four. So you know where the location of every branch and vine nearby. This is when you're not even like a centimeter deep. Oh, this is when you first realize, uh oh, I'm a quicksand.

Then as you, to control your sinking, you raise your arms above your head. Okay, seems like that's easier access for the quicksand. It really does. You've just made yourself aerodynamic. No, the quicksand wants to enjoy itself. The quicksand is a character in this story. Clearly to you.

This has a... Well, I mean, it's like, you know, in Deep Blue Sea when Samuel L. Jackson talks about the mind of an avalanche. Quicksand wants to and wants to savor you. Oh, this is like the Sarlacc. Yes. OK, exactly. So you have some time. OK. And so you raise your arms so that people can see you. It's just weird because raising arms is sort of like an international gesture for I'm giving up, I surrender. So it just doesn't seem like a strong move. Well, if you saw someone raise arms, wouldn't you be curious what they're surrendering about?

It attracts attention. That's why when, if you're being attacked, you yell fire, you yell help. So it is good to yell quicksand though, because everyone wants to see it. People are first going to rush because they want to see it. Not to help you. Oh really? Yeah. And then they see somebody stuck in there.

They'll assume it's somebody pointing it out. Yes. All right. And then what? But then you tell people where the vines and branches are. Okay. Because then they're going to do what? Grab one and have you hold onto it?

Yeah, exactly. Okay, what if no one comes? What's the point of identifying the branches that you can't reach? Well, when you die. Okay, well this, it doesn't seem like it's been- Someone always comes. Someone always comes!

We know that's not true. How do we know that's not true? Because all the people who die in quicksand aren't around to tell us that no one came. And who are those people? I guess you have a point. Thank you. Well, we have to take a break.

When we return, we'll have more with The Neighborhood Listen when The Neighborhood Listen returns. Well, hello. Oh, and hi, Paul. Oh, hi. I didn't see you there. Oh, you didn't? I'm right here. I'm doing a one minute show.

Can I just interrupt really quickly? Yeah, absolutely. No problem. It's not going well. Thanks everyone. Not a lot of people here. No. It's also at your home, which is strange.

Yeah, well I'm one man and this is my one home. Great premise. Thank you. Here is something that I'm really looking forward to as the weather turns cooler. This is what I had to come over to tell you. Yes, thank you. I'm looking forward to football games,

pumpkin spice lattes. Wait a minute. What? I see where this is headed. Oh, you do? You say it though, but I know what it is. Cause it's gonna be sweater weather. Yeah.

Yeah, so it's time for a cozy sweater from Quince. That's right. Because Quince, as I know, is known for their Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50. So nice. Nicole, it's not just that. All Quinn's items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands,

and that includes beautiful leather jackets. I bet even the ugly ones are a good price. I don't think they have anything that's ugly. That's right, other places do. Cotton, cardigan, soft denim, and so much more. How are they able to do that, you might ask? You and other people, you, Paul, and everyone else. I was going to ask it, and you actually took the words

right out of my mouth. Well, ask and answer, my friend, because it's by partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middleman, which passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices, and of course,

premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece. I despise the middleman. I knew you were gonna say that somehow. Let me tell you something. I have a quint sweater and it is cozy as hail. It's comfortable and I like the way that it looks. You know it's cozy when it affects your accent.

Yeah. You have to say as hail. Yeah. I have a pair of glasses that I love and definitely want to get some more because they're very, very beautiful and I need some more and also I got my child some incredible pants that were so comfortable that I'm going to have to get some for me as well. Wait, you're also wearing them?

No, that would be, I'd never fit into them. He has communicated to you that they're comfortable. Yes, he certainly hasn't complained. From a kid? That's a rave. 100%. Yes, if they're not complaining, they like it. So why don't you get cozy in Quince's high quality wardrobe essentials.

Go to quince.com slash T and L for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash T and L to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash t n l well done thank you it's jake for free amateur radio parentheses ham close parentheses equipment Offered are two pieces of legacy ham gear number one Gonset noise clipper number two RL Drake Q multiplier with speaker now These are going for a hundred to three hundred dollars on eBay. Both are in good condition

I'm offering these for free as I don't want to see them end up in the recycle bin. These parts, they've been good to me and my ham radio setup. And you know, I just want them to have a good home. I don't want them to end up in the recycle bin. They still got love to give. And I do feel that every component of a ham radio has love to give even though it don't know it. It's just a bunch of parts. Wires.

So forth. But what it gives us is so much more. Can you imagine life without a ham radio? I know I can't. That's why I never want to go to space. If there's no ham radio up there, I'll stay right down here. Excuse me for getting so emotional.

These ham radio parts is free to you. From me, Jay. They call me Hammy. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, Joan, I'm sorry I startled you there what you sometimes do although I like it cuz it just gets Me it wakes me back up sometimes sometimes I need to waken up. Absolutely. We are recording very early today Really early in the morning. The Sun is not up yet. Yeah, it's I've never been here when it's been so dark There's no lights on. Well, Joan, we have a guest as we do every week.

And folks, the way this podcast works is we scour the NeighborHap, the social networking application for neighborhoods. And we look for interesting people from Dignity Falls to talk to and share with you. And this week is no different. And if you think that you have seen a post that we have overlooked, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at bernandjohn at gmail.com. And now we have this is posted in the crime and safety section. And it's just by it just as neighbor. Okay. posted this. So it's a little incognito. And neighbor writes, strange interaction with someone from neighbor Hap, a man, Alex, sent a DM asking

if I needed a house cleaner or if I knew anyone who needed one. I thought that was great initiative and booked an appointment with him. Big mistake. He contacted me a few days later and wanted me to advance him money for supplies. I told him, I told him I had all

the cleaning products for him to use. First clue, do not proceed. I then cancelled due to being uncomfortable with the request before we had even worked together. He then claimed I had the wrong number and demanded a $50 cancellation fee. You have the wrong number. Also, you owe me $50. On Monday, the day we had agreed on, I got a text from him at six and the morning, advising he would be here well past our agreed start time. I texted him back that I had canceled with him. He blew up and demanded the $50 cancellation fee This is the reply that's unacceptable Pay a $50 cancellation fee or I'm beating you to death later this year Wow

Wow. Here to the- Is it still going? There's more? Yes. Oh. He then proceeded to call multiple times and his message advised again and if I didn't pay the cancellation fee,

he would quote, F you, dot, dot, dot, you up. Because of this, beware of this guy. He seems very unhinged. Now here to talk about this harrowing experience. Wow. Is our neighbor who is, we can identify this person as a neighbor and we can identify this person as a neighbor Because of this, beware of this guy, he seems very unhinged. Now here to talk about this harrowing experience.

Wow. Is our neighbor who is, we can identify you now, that's all right? Yes. Okay, his name is Jimmy John Peatsway. Hello. Hi Jimmy John. Hi.

Well this is, wow, you are so sort of cheerful and upbeat for receiving this kind of aggressive interaction with this person. Well, that's the Jimmy John way. Oh, well, I think that's wonderful. I brought some of my famous celery. Oh, perfect.

We were shut stocked. Now, why is your celery famous? Well, I grow the best celery. You do? I didn't know that. Do you grow other things or just celery? Just celery. Really?

What makes it the best in your opinion? Oh, I was gonna ask, good question, Bert. The color, the crispness. It's very green. It's very green. I feel like it doesn't need any sauce or anything. Oh, you mean like- Bare bones. How people usually to ants on a log.

Yeah. What does that mean to you, Jimmy John? Do you do, if I said to you ants on a log, what would you think the ants are made of? Oh, prunes. Wow. Big ants. Those are big ants. That are probably only allow for two prunes per log. I call it a very small log. I call them bear on trees. Bear on trees. Bear on trees. That's fun. That is fun. And is this a family recipe? I guess I don't have a family. Oh, so it's pretty much, I guess it is a family recipe if I'm my own family.

Oh dear. Well, I want to ask more about that, but let's first of all check in with you. How long ago did this interaction happen? The very first time that you know, you were contacted by, is it Alex? Yes, it was Alex. Yes. And the clock, cause the clock is ticking on the threat. I know.

I mean, it's sometime later this year. It's still this year. We don't have a lot of time in this year. Well, it was earlier this year. Oh, no. Yeah. It was in January. Oh, wow. He's really taking his time. So he started at the beginning of the year. I think you should charge a $50 fee for the lateness of this death threat. I'm scared constantly. Anytime I hear a noise, I go, who is it? Oh, no, that's so sad. Yes. I flick on the lights. Because you're always in the dark. Okay. Saving energy. Sure. I understand. I thought maybe you were hiding from this psychopath, but you're just saving

energy. Just saving energy. Right. So this happened in what? January? January. Okay. And then have you heard from him at all since the last time of the threat? Yes, he calls me and I always pick up. Now why is that? Because who doesn't love a phone call? Well, but do you have him in your phone as you know, Alex or asshole or whatever or don't answer? I have a lot of Alex's in my phone.

So it kind of gets confusing. I should put last names. You definitely should. You should put at least Alex who will beat me to death by the end of the year. You should put that, that should be the contact confusing. I should put last names. You definitely should. You should put at least Alex who will beat me to death. You should put that. That should be the contact name. I should. Oh, this Alex. But you do. Oh, the way that Doug would say the mug room. That's great. OK. So so a couple things.

First of all, I just want to acknowledge how bad your crazy Alex is. I mean, to literally like you pointed out to not only say you're the wrong number, but now you need to pay $50 for a late fee. And the second time he forgot because he said, I'm going to be there, but I'm going to be late. And then Jimmy John had to remind him that he wasn't even going with them anymore. And then he had again demanded the 50, $50. Now I, I'm very curious about the, you have the wrong number. Yes.

How did he present this to you? How did he try to sell you on the fact that you were calling the wrong person and then asked for a $50 cancellation? The nerve. I don't know if that was Alex. I think that, cause that's happened before where I accidentally call somebody and they're like, Oh, you have the wrong number. You owe me $50. No, first of all, you don't.

You really don't know. So why do you think you call the wrong number so often? I don't look when I dial because of the dark. But wait, doesn't your phone light up and you can see? I turned that off. It's too bright. It is pretty bright sometimes, especially in the dark. Yeah. Especially in the dark.

I once, sometimes I don't even use my phone. It ends up being a TV remote. I was like, Oh dear. And then the TV turns on. Right. I'm trying to dial someone. That must be alarming. And then I end up watching a show.

And then you never call the person. No. And then I forget. How many times would And then you never call the person. No, and then I forget. How many times would you say that you dial the wrong person per week? Oh, probably. Oh no, he's counting. He's counting them starting from one. From one. I think he's already in double digits.

He's got his fingers going in the air. Oh no. Other hand. Once a day. Once a day. That was crazy math. That was crazy math. It was almost Chisholm bop.

Now, let me ask you this, please. He's so pleasant. Does it sound like the same voice every time who says you owe me $50? Oh, that is a very good question. Well, I think he tries, he must do improv because he does do different voices, which I think that's great.

Right. You know, have a fun hobby. You know, I was proud that he took the initiative to like start his own business. So I was proud of him when he's doing different voices because I think it's kind of charming, but I did know it was him. And I was like, Hey, Alex, stop the shenanigans. I know the scheme. Absolutely. You did do a. I know the scheme. Absolutely. You did a, you did do a nice job cleaning the house. Wait, he did actually clean the house.

Well, I don't know. I had to. I, he kept, did you? Well, he showed up. He did show up one day. Oh, this is important information. This is important information. That was not in the post. Oh yeah. It was not in the post. No, I was asleep one night and then I saw someone standing in my doorway. What?

I was like, who is it? That's horrifying. Do you not lock your doors? Oh no. Okay. Who has the time? You said so emphatically. Who has the time?

It's a time issue for you. When I need to get out of the house, I just leave. I understand that, but I'm talking about- 17. That's a lot of doors. Yeah. I'm talking about at night, it doesn't take a lot of time to lock the door, does it?

If you're trying to get out for your day, I can, I guess see that, but if you're doing nothing but going to bed, easy, easy move to just lock the door. Easy-cleasy. Easy close, easy-cleasy. Is that what you said? I thought that's what you were going to say. Well, but now it's what we said. I thought you were going to say easy-cleasy, which I've never heard before. Anyways, I guess I don't really understand that. But so let's continue.

He's standing in your doorway and then what happened? He says, where are your cleaning supplies? Oh, which impression was that? I don't like that impression. Yeah, I said that too. It's like Alex's normal resting voice. Is that his regular voice or was he doing a character? I think he's doing a character. Okay.

Um, almost a, give me back my son. Yeah. Where's my son? Ransom. Yes. Ransom. Ransom. Ransom.

Ransom. Okay. So did you want to say ransom? Ransom. Who is that? That's Doug. That's Jones. Sorry. Ransom. Ransom. Ransom. Okay. So did you want to say ransom? Ransom. Who is that? That's Doug Jones. You're right. You can't see him, but you can hear him. He's in, he's in a hello. Oh, his voice came from nowhere. Doug, did you say hello? Like I did. Okay. Yeah, I saw that. Hello. Hello friend. What is head low? I don't know this. People like to put when they put a dialogue for their dogs in captions. Oh, yes. You know, on a video. Yes.

They will have the dog saying hello. Why? I don't know. I don't know. I guess it's a dog wouldn't know how to say hello properly. That's that's pretty rude. Assuming a dog wouldn't know. He would have properly. That's pretty rude. I'm assuming a dog wouldn't know. He would have picked it up by now. Okay. And yeah, so he says that in that scary voice and he was there with, I mean, first of all,

it's insane that he would ask that Jimmy John buy all the supplies. I mean, what kind of a- Well, that of course sounds like a scam right there. That's like making an appointment with a dentist and the dentist is like, okay, great. Can you buy some equipment, some dental equipment before I work on your cavity? That's crazy. I think it's more like the dentist saying like, okay, great. Can you buy some, some equipment, some dental equipment before I work on your cavity? That's crazy. I think it's more like the dentist saying pay me upfront.

And then you get there and there's no dentist office. Which has happened. It's happened to me too. Wow. It's a weird, it's a weird scam here. It's a weird dentist scam. But anyway, so they do leave a tumbleweed there. Just that insult to injury.

I was like, well, that's a little much. Yeah. So I assumed that he was saying, uh, you have to front me the money for the cleaning supplies. And then of course he was never going to show up. He would get that money and then that would be it. Right. But he, so he shows up. Did he do a good job cleaning your, is it a house or an apartment? It's a house. It's a little bit both. Well it's got 17 doors. Oh that's right. It's like an apartment but no other apartments attached to it. So a house. Oh I guess so. But wait if there's no other apartments attached to it it's a tiny little house. The cutest little house. With 17 doors. Right but are all those doors yours? Yes. Okay so yes it's a house.

I can't picture this. As a realtor, I can't picture it. It sounds like all the walls are doors. Is that correct? Yeah, you know like open concept? Sure. It's not that. Okay, it's just door, door, door, door, door.

Door into the kitchen, door into the family room. So there's multiple doors in every room. Yeah. Yeah. Oh wow, that's exhausting. It's a Jack and Jill concept. It's like a submarine where you can just... Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. You have like four ways to leave a room. Right. I see. I like that. All right. Well, he got options. Did he do a good job? Yes. He, you know what? He did. Well, that's shocking.

Yeah. Well, he was threatening the whole time. The whole time. Because this is post death threat. Yeah. Yeah. So, so, threatening the whole time. The whole time. Because this is post-death threat. Yeah. So, but you would think that, because wasn't the sort of rules of the whole thing is that unless you let me come clean your house, I will kill you. So maybe, is he still under threat? What did he say about the death threats? Yeah, let me look at it again.

Well, you said he's going to be... Oh yeah, let's go back and look. Let's go back to the text, I always say. It does seem like he is demanding to clean the house. Yeah. He wants the... He was. And I like that, I appreciate that. Yeah.

Like if he wants something. Can you quickly tell me what the FU, it sounds like he said F but then he did a dot dot dot, U up, how does that go? He then proceeded to call multiple times his message advised again that if I didn't pay the cancellation fee, he would FU dot dot U up. See that doesn't make sense. So that's a quote. F fee, he would F you dot dot you up.

So that's a quote. F you, what's the dot dot dot? CK I would imagine. Oh, I guess I should have looked at it. It just seemed like it's implied that it's fuck you up. So it sounds like he says I'll fuck fuck you up. Friend you up. Well, that's a very positive way to look at it.

When you're F you, you think friend you. Yes. Who doesn't love a good friend? Especially when you live in a small house by yourself. I guess so. No family. No family. So what was he threatening? What did he do while he was cleaning?

Okay, we are going to get to that very soon. You keep mentioning it, it seems important. What did he do when he was cleaning? You said he was being threatened. He cursed at me the whole time. The whole what? I was like, this doesn't sound like a friend. Definitely not.

He's like, I'm gonna wipe the floor clean with you. Oh. And I was like, please use paper towels. Right. Oh my goodness. And then what did he say afterwards? Did he say, so he didn't say to you, oh, I'm not gonna kill you anymore?

He said, I'm all done here. And then he was taking off and he's like, hire me again, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Wow. And I was like, Did you at any point think- I gotta get some sleep. Okay, but how about calling the police?

Did you ever think of that? Cause that is a direct threat. I don't have their number. Well, it's not, it's 911. It's 911, you can just call that. I love that show. No, it's a real thing. No, it's a real thing. It's a real thing. That's just call that. I love that show. No, it's a real thing. No, it's a real thing.

It's a real thing. That's the small number. I know. Telephone numbers are usually. And you do have to dial the right person for 911, but it's very easy to remember. It's 911. It's 911.

Yeah. Because I think maybe you should do that. It's important if someone comes to your house and physically threatens to push you. Sure, yeah. I'd say that's a job for the police. Absolutely. Yeah.

But call 911. He's nodding and I don't think he's gonna do it. Maybe the actor Brian Safi will answer. I think that's the part. No, I think actually that part might've been what got him to call. I think he did. Maybe so, I hope so.

I don't feel like he's going to though. to call. I think he could have. Maybe so. I hope so. I don't feel like he's going to though. Now let's get into not having a family. Yes. Can you tell me what that means? Because obviously you came from somewhere. You came from someone. Where and what is your family?

I'm excluding the idea that you came from dust and to dust you shall return. But in between. Yes. Go ahead. that you came from dust and to dust you shall return. But in between. Yes. Go ahead. Oh, they all died in a boating. How many people in your family? Wait, in a boating?

Catastrophe. Oh wow. Worse than an accident. It is. It really is. Are you okay? Is this okay to talk about? Yes. Oh no. I've never talked about it. What ever? Like you have been to therapy or anything?

Oh no. No. Wow. How old are you? May I ask Jimmy John? I'm a 40. You. And I live alone and I don't have a family. You are a 40. Okay. What was the, what happened, can I ask? Was this here in Dignifal's?

Were you born and raised in Dignifal's? Yes. How old were you when this happened? 30. Oh, this is just a- Nine. This was last year. This happened last year?

Yeah. So you did at least, can I just establish, you had a good childhood, you had a family, your whole life growing up. Oh, we didn't talk. How many people in your family? Yeah. One, two, three, four.

Oh no, I'm doing the crazy math again. It's gonna end up with two. Divided by four. Divided by four. Two. I told you it was gonna be two. So your mom and dad. Yes.

Okay. And then you, okay. Well, I guess that makes it two. So your mom and dad. Yes. Okay. And then it didn't make you. Okay. Well, I guess that makes it three. Including you, yes, of course. That's right. So what happened last year? Well, I don't, it was a catastrophe.

I got a phone call. Is this before or after the lake was drained? Well, probably after, right? I don't know. You tell, well, they like, they drain the lake because of the catastrophe. I didn't know that. Yeah. They wanted the boat. They wanted to try to resell the boat. It was probably also to recover your parents, right? Oh, they were vaporized. What happened? The boat was intact enough to resell, but they were vaporized in an explosion.

Yes. I mean, the bones were still there in the boat. Oh no. What? To make a new boat or to make a boat. What? Wait. And their bones weren't there because they were vaporized.

Oh, the bones of the boat. The bones of the boat. Oh, he's talking about the boat like this house has good bones. Yes. Okay. That was very, you can understand that was very confusing to us. The bones of the boat. Oh, he's talking about the boat, like this house has good bones. Good bones. Okay, that was very, you can understand that was very confusing to us. I don't see how. Jonah has a real turn.

Have you ever heard that term applied to boats before? Never. A houseboat? Never. You don't say a houseboat has good bones? Don't say housebones. Houseboat bones. I don't say that.

Housebones is my favorite show. I love house and I love bones. Both good shows. Two terrific shows. There's always something mysterious wrong with a boat. Always something. That boat is lupus. Now, so you say you didn't talk with your family.

Oh, they did not like me. Really? No, this is terrible. Did they say why? They said I wasn't fun to talk to. Really? This is terrible. Did they say why? They said I wasn't fun to talk to. What? They said, you know, that like I wasn't a good dancer. Such a specific. That's great. As a reason not to talk to someone. Absolutely makes no sense. Also in dancing, there's no talking and he was a bad dancer. So I wasn't good at either thing and I guess they

Talking or dancing. Yeah. But did you have other skills that you tried to demonstrate for them that might have piqued their interest? I tried to do a little bit of you know cooking. Okay, sure. I mean, is this where you sort of got your green thumb for celery? Okay, you were trying to sort of maybe show them look this celery king. what I can do. I'm the celery king. Is this self-appointed? Of Dignity Falls. We stand a celery king. And celery, were there other things that you tried to grow

and then you folk, and then you realized celery was the best or was it celery the whole time? It's pretty much, well, I only had enough money that day to get celery seeds. Right. What day is it? And once the celery tree grew, I only had enough money that day to get celery seeds. Right. What day is it? And once the celery tree grew, I was like, oh, I'm going to stick with celery. I wasn't aware that celery came off of a tree.

I honestly don't know how it grows. Well, I'm pretty sure that it grows as a plant out of the soil in the ground. Out of the ground. Okay. That makes sense. That's a tree. Oh, you think anything that grows out of the ground is the ground. Out of the ground, okay. That makes sense. Trees also do. That's a tree. Oh, you think anything that grows out of the ground is a tree?

Yes. Okay. All right. Well, by that rubric, if I'm using that correctly, then yes, I suppose so. We're struggling with the meaning of words today. I just solved a rubric cube. Oh, there's a mouthful.

The rubric crue of course is local to Dictity Falls. It's maddening. It's maddening. It's not even shaped like a cube, which is the first frustrating thing. Yeah, tell me about it. Do you remember those off-brand Rubik's Cubes? They would maybe be like a pyramid shape. Oh yes, yes.

One was like a cylinder. That's very obnoxious. We wouldn't see that again until the Da Vinci Code. pyramid shape. Oh, yes. Yes. One was like a cylinder. Very obnoxious. We wouldn't see that again until the Da Vinci Code. Oh. Oh. Oh. So, okay. Can I ask, is, is,

Please. Do you actually, do you actually sell the celery or do you have a different means of income? What is your job? I design driveways. You design driveways. Is there like a name for that?

I mean, is that you're just in construction or are you I mean, what was that? What would you call that? A drivologist. OK, see, I figured there was a word for it. A drivologist.

OK, I was going to say it sounds like you study them. Yeah. And then I design them. Right. And are there? I didn't know that much went into designing them that you could just simply make your living off of doing that. You study them. Yeah. And then I designed them. Right. And are there? I didn't know that much went into designing them that you could just simply make your living off of doing that.

Yeah. I can only think of a few designs. Right. There's like the standard where it's just a slight incline up, right? There's a sort of half circle, right? Where you could drive up and multiple people could park. That's fancy. Is there a name for that kind?

The horseshoe. Okay. The horseshoe makes sense. Elegant. And then I suppose there's like maybe the carport where you can drive way, way into your, I don't know, the side on the side of your house. It's just the same thing but longer. And I suppose you could, you decide,

do I want to do gravel? I don't work with gravel. You won't work with gravel. Really? If I show up to your house and you're like, I want gravel, I'm like, I'm out of here. I mean, frankly, gravel's annoying. Who wants to drive over that?

I hate it. It's terrible. Okay, so do you get a lot of clients? Do you have a lot of clients? Do you have a sort of good business? No. I figured the answer was gonna be that. I've designed my driveway.

Oh, okay. And then I've drawn a lot of pictures of driveways I would design. So do you have any, you have no clients. Well, if you put it that way, I guess no. Okay. At your home, how many drawings say on the wall would we see of drive driveways?

Oh, let's see. No, I didn't even make him. You know what? I didn't mean to make him do his math again. I walked right into it. You really did. I don't, I don't see how he was not going to do it. Cosine, he just did cosine.

I can hear his fingers flying around. Oh, now he's writing. Now he's getting a pencil. He's writing, he's looking at pencil and he's trying to write on my windows. Yeah, that's not gonna work. I guess about 20. Yeah, that's not going to work. I guess about 20. Oh, okay.

Give or take or take a take and give. And are these all unique designs? Yes, there's the squiggle driveway. Oh, it's the squiggle driveway. It's a really fun driveway. Okay. Where you just go back and forth and then you end up not at the house. You end up back at the road.

So like a maze? Yeah. A maze driveway. A maze driveway, but with only one route. Why do you think someone would want that? Great question, Joan. Someone who's got a sense of humor, who wants to have a little fun in life. Okay, fair enough.

Do you have someone special in your life? I know you said that you have no family, but do you have friends you go out with? Do you have a special someone romantic partner? Um, no. Okay. No friends. I've tried with Alex. Oh, well, that's not that's not friend material there.

When people reach out to me and they're like, Hey, I want to start my own business. You know, I'm like, Hey, good for you. Come on over. Or you seem like such a pleasant person. It seems like you would do get out and about much. What are your hobbies? Let's see, have I mentioned so? Yes, I have.

You did. What else, what else? Do you dance? Even though your parents said you weren't good at it. That's right. I dance, I don't see how I dance in the dark in my house. Absolutely. You don't go out to like a club or something and?

I wouldn't know how to get there. Well, there's a club, I can't remember the street. But what do you mean you wouldn't know how to get there? You drive obviously, yes? No. Oh, you don't drive, but you design driveways. He designs driveways and doesn't drive. You have a driveway yourself.

Yes. That you designed. And it's empty. No car? Oh, I don't have a car. Oh, and what kind of, what kind of driveway do you have? What kind of driveway do you design for yourself? I can joke. I have a Octagon driveway.

Okay. And it's just empty. Yes. All right. I've got, I have bikes there. Oh, you ride a bike. That's great. No. But there are bikes there. Yeah, kids leave their bikes there.

It's a lot of space. Yeah, sure. I can see they're like, hey, free bike parking. Yeah, how big is the octagon? It's about this big. He's holding up his hands. Yeah, you know what? Hands are not very far from each other.

And it does seem like the octagon is just one small. Yes. Is that the case? Well, it's an apartment house. Right. OK. But so you couldn't really get all of a car onto it. I don't think so. Or maybe a micro machine. You get a wheel on there. Micro machine. And a wheel. You guys, it's always getting cold. Oh,'t think so. A toy car maybe, a micro machine. You can get a wheel on there. Micro machine. You can get a wheel on there.

You guys, the celery's getting cold. Oh, I'm sorry, did it start heated? Was it warm? Yes. Exactly. How, what temp was it when it came in? Well, at 365, I left, oh, I left my oven on! No!

You'll have to open so many doors to get to it. I was gonna say, he doesn't have the time to lock his doors, but I guess he doesn't have time to turn lock his doors, but I guess he doesn't have time to turn off his oven. You seem to be in a great rush everywhere you go. Yeah. Why is that? I have a heart out.

For what? For what? Where you have to be. I've got to get home. Okay. What? I guess there's this, you're so sweet, you're so affable. And yet I don't like thinking that this individual is just alone in the world, just running in between,

I guess all he has is interactions with celery and a psychopath. Yeah. And I don't, I'm not comfortable with either frankly. We would like more for you, Jimmie. Yes. You would? Yeah.

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to, first of all, get home and call the police immediately. Go to the station for God's sakes. Give me that number again. It's already, forgot. It's 911. I know the show.

So remember the show. Think of the show. And it's the same number. Yeah. Think of Brian Saffey, the show. Okay. 911. Don't think of House Bones.

Shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have put that in your head. No, you shouldn't have. 911. Call House Bones. No. I knew it. You shouldn't have said that. No, you shouldn't have. 9-1-1. Let's focus.

Call House Bones. No, I knew it. And then they're going to say the wrong number. This isn't House Bones. He's calling the wrong number all the time, apparently. No, I got that. To be fair, the DFPD is not really going to do much. Don't say that, babe.

I'm trying to get them some help. I think they might. You think they will? babe. I'm trying to get them some help. I think they might. You think they will? You don't? Okay, I guess not. You'll know they're coming by the siren that goes, come here, come here, come here. A lot of times when you report things to the police, they just say, wow, that sucks. Oh, blue bloods. They also like to say that shouldn't happen.

I know blue bloods. One time, somebody told me that they went in there to report their car was stolen and the cop behind the desk said somebody should do something about that. And immediately shoved a doughnut in his mouth, right? Immediately. Started chewing so loudly, maintaining eye contact. Very upsetting. Jimmy John, I still think you should give it a try.

Yeah, I think you should give it a try. I think you should, you should first of all, report Alex to the police for all the good that's going to do. Yes. Then I think you need to get out and meet people so that you won't be. Who wants to meet me? Oh, come on. Somebody.

You are just delightful. You are courteous. You are optimistic. You're pleasant. You brought snacks here. I know. No one has touched. I'll take a bite.

I'll take a bite. Oh, it's actually very hard to figure how to bite into this prune and the celery, which is actually sort of you can't see this, but it's limp. Yes. I think that's probably because it was it was baked at 365.

You know like spaghetti, al dente, sorry. Al dente, sorry, sure. Okay, it's almost, it feels as if it hardened and burned, then it melted again, and then it's trying to harden again. Don't tell my recipe. Secret family recipe. Jimmy John, have you thought about going to the farmers market and selling celery? Yes, I was going to suggest that.

Farmers have markets? Oh, you know, the Dignity Falls market is huge. It's a wonderful farmers market. It's where people organically grow their own crops and they bring them, they put them on a little table. Every Sunday, they close the parking lot of the hospital. Yes, which is such a weird location. Every Sunday they close the parking lot of the hospital. Yes. Which is such a weird location. I know.

It's terrible. We have so many unused lots in this town. Oh my God. No one's allowed to get hurt on Sundays. Nobody goes to church. They could use all those church parking lots. But yeah. It's just a really confusing traffic flow of people

with bloody noses and granola. Yeah. The doctors love it. They're so smug. They are. They are smug. graphic flow of people with bloody noses and granola. The doctors love it. They're so smug. They are. They are smug. Yeah. Maybe if you ate more organic stuff, you wouldn't come here. That's what they say. That's what they say. Regardless of its location, I think you should go visit it. I think you should go visit it

this weekend. Bring your wares. Bring your wares, which means celery. I would bring it uncooked. Yeah, definitely bring it raw. Raw. Bring your wares. Bring your wares, which means celery. And you never know. I would bring it uncooked. Yeah, definitely bring it raw. Raw.

Just do it. Yes. Just pull it off the tree, throw it in a basket, and bring it. OK? And you might be surprised, because I will say this does the celery does have a good color. Thank you.

I still don't know how to eat it. I'm just holding it. I'm intimidated, to be honest. Can I take eat it. I am. I'm just holding it. I'm intimidated to be honest. Can I take the prune off and eat it? Uh, it's attached. Is it really a full bite? What does that mean? Yeah. Staples. Oh no, you can't do that. I don't think you can put staples in food. That's the family recipe. Oh, well you shouldn't. You must. Yeah. Yeah. No, you really shouldn't. You are able to.

That's a health hazard. Yeah. No, you really shouldn't. You are able to, that's true. Because that is a health hazard. Have you consumed many staples? Yeah. Oh dear. You might have extreme internal bleeding. Absolutely. You might have to go to the hospital for the correct reason.

Oh, you, so you know that you do. I know I do. I might, I do. I know that. I know one thing, I know that. I would go to the hospital any day, Monday through Saturday. Don't know where it is. How long have you lived here?

Oh no. You burnt, what are you doing? I thought he would know off the top of his head. I didn't think he would have to involve the fingers. Move the decimal over to, oh no. Where was the decimal to begin with? 40. 40 years.

Years. So your whole life. So your entire life you've lived here. And you don't know where the hospital is. Never had to go. Well, you were probably born there. Don't have a car. You did not have to identify the remains of your parents or anything?

Oh dear. They didn't want me to. They said that in their will. No, they said dark. Well, how was that worded? Yeah, exactly. We don't want our son identifying our dust. Oh, wow.

So final. Yeah, really is. It's bleak and final. Wow. Maybe you should go to bleak and final and see if you can make some friends there. That's the discount funeral home. Yes.

It's a discount funeral home. They do sell toilet paper, but most of the shelves are very empty. The coffins are lower than Costco. They really are. You can't get a great deal there. Yeah, we can buy them. They have good pillows.

And you have to buy them in bulk. You have to buy a coffin 12-pack is the problem. You get 12 coffin pillows and 10 coffins. It's cheaper to buy the... If you want a pillow, if you want a pillow, it's cheaper to buy the whole coffin at Bleak & Final than to just buy a normal pillow. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. My bed is covered in coffin pillows. They're great. They don't mess up your hair. It's just little small satin things. Yeah, they do. Yeah, little small pillows. My bed is covered in coffin pillows. They're great. They don't mess up your hair. It's just little small satin things. Yeah, little small pillows. You don't have to wear your bonnet.

Nope. All right. Well, I- Oh, friend, I don't know what to tell you. I wish you well. I really want you to get out in the world. I also want you to get medical attention immediately. Immediately.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, and I also don't want you to ever interact with Alex again. Will you promise me that? I think you need to cut him off, Coulter. Really?

You really do. He's the only person that calls me. Well, you need to close one door, one of your 17 doors to open, to let another one open in your life. Okay? That's what you need to do. And you can do it. I believe in you, Jimmy John,

and you need to do it before the year's out. I don't believe in you, but I still advise you to do this. Listen to the thing I said where I believe in you. Don't listen to Bert not believing in you, but please do get medical attention right away. I will. Okay. I don't think he's going to.

Is there anything that you'd like to say, I don't think he's going to, is there anything you'd like to say to Alex should he be listening right now? Oh, he might be. Alex, if you're out there, which I know you are, you're usually outside my house, I want you to know that I am not going to hire you.

Hey! Unless. Oh no. There's a spill or there's dust on the shelves. No. Or you on the shelves. No. Or you need the money. This is too long a list. Or if I'm alone.

Oh boy. And get lonely. Okay. Or if I have a gift for you, cause it's Christmas. No. I already got him something. That was a very powerless declaration. And we do want more for you.

So, I mean, maybe listen back to this. And see if you can hear yourself saying these things. Because I think it would be good for you to kind of mix things up a little bit in your life. Yeah. Okay. He's kind of got a little shimmy going in his shoulders. He's feeling it. Oh no, he's really not well. Oh, it's so swollen got a little shimmy going in his shoulders. He's feeling it.

Oh no, he's really not well. Oh, it's so swollen. It's so swollen. Swollen with staples. All right, Jimmy John, best of luck to you. Thank you, I appreciate it. You're welcome. And we hope to see you at the hospital parking lot soon.

I'll be here. More with the Neighbor Listen when the Neighborhood Listen when the Neighborhood Listen returns. Hi this is Crystal. That's capital C capital H R Y S T A L Crystal. And I have a Varsalus fashion watch. It's for $15. Battery still works. Band is approximately 7.5 inches unstretched. As you can see, it is a Christmas or I should say holiday themed watch. It is a reindeer with an adorable red scarf. And the reason I'm getting rid of it is well I'm just maybe you can just take a look at it and see but I think someone might find this fun perhaps

it's as a prank gift because the hand the second hand and the big hand and the little hand well unfortunately if you look at them and if you look at the picture when when that little hand or the big hand gets to 6 o'clock, that reindeer is an excited little guy! And I get lots of comments on it, and it's just sticking straight out there, and it's not really appropriate for children. So if you could just please come and get this, because it also, as you can see, has got those white strips and glows in the dark dark and it doesn't make anything better.

So please come and get this absolutely inappropriate, disgusting hand watch. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listing Point. Can I say that Jimmy John was, I do wish him the best. Yeah. I do think he should go to the hospital. He was a frustrating individual. I know, we've had, I think we've got a theme emerging.

We were having several frustrating individuals come on this season. He didn't know where the hospital was. He never heard of 911 as a real thing. We have a lot of shut-ins in Dignity Falls, it turns out, with no connection to the real world. I'd like to see that. It's almost the opposite of your house.

It is. It's one room, but a million doors. Yes. And you famously have one door. That's right. Everything just, you kind of just walk through every single room. A lot of beads.

A lot of beaded, you know, paint beads. It's almost like a strange museum, your house. Oh, absolutely. Where you're just passing through these different themes. I love that. Different, Doug likes to pretend that he's, you know, time traveling or what is it? Just jumping through dimensions, you know, sort of just,

cause you can just sort of teleport. Quantum leaping, if you will. Oh boy. We talked about. By the way, I've invented something out of the mugs. Oh, what? We have so many mugs. I invented a system. He's invented something.

You've invented a system. Of pouring coffee at scale. What does that mean? So I've built up basically a pyramid out of all these mugsugs. Well, that sounds like a bad thing waiting to happen. A porcelain nightmare. If one person needs a cup of coffee, you start pouring at the top, you take that top mug. Oh, you're doing like a champagne sort of pour thing. That's what I was thinking.

If four people need coffee, you start pouring, let it overflow, it starts flowing into the lower rungs. And then if you have a huge coffee party, you just keep pouring it and it's like a fountain. A huge coffee party. I mean, I immediately see some red flags in this. And I'll just say, first of all, a pouring something that's usually a scalding hot beverage,

which can definitely have splash over. And it's certainly not- The splash over goes into the next rung. Let's say first of all, a pouring something that's usually a scalding hot beverage, which can definitely have splash over and it's certainly not. Well, the splash over goes into the next rung. I understand that, but it's probably also going to splash onto you or it's going to, you know, if you're having a coffee party, it's going to splash onto several people. And also then the coffee, the mug is soaked with coffee, the outside of it. Yes, which just sounds unpleasant. It's a drizzle.

You can lick the outside. Babe, I'm not sure Which just sounds unpleasant. It's a drizzle. You can lick the outside. Babe, I'm not sure that that's a... Oh, you can. Okay. Not many people get it right the first time. Right. But if we just keep working on this, I feel like you're onto something. You know what?

No, I know what's going... You know what, babe? I get it. You don't like the mug room, okay? And you didn't like it from the very beginning of the episode. I'd like to make a use out of it. You weren't on board. And it's clear.

Not all of them are going to be winners, okay? Not all the rooms'd like to make a use out of it. You weren't on board and it's clear, not all of them are gonna be winners, okay? Not all the rooms are gonna be winners. It's true. Do you ever get rid of any of the rooms that don't work out or do they stay? What's weird is that we had this one room that was actually was gonna be sort of, it was not a craft room,

but it was actually gonna be kind of like a mailboxes, et cetera, where it was just gonna be like the gigantic junk door for the, it was a junk room. Oh, wow. That's kind of exciting in a way. I thought it was just going to be like a, the gigantic junk door for the, it was a junk room. Oh, wow. That's kind of exciting. I thought it was great. Doug didn't like it because he loves junk doors. He loves the mystery of pulling one out. So I said, fine, get rid of it. He filled the entire thing with cement.

So it's just a concrete block. Yeah. Instead of repurposing it, he just thought, get rid of it. And like, Oh, we have to just fill it up. You know, like we just have to fill it up. This one's on the ground floor. I hope. Okay. Thank God. Yeah. I liked the idea of like a junkyard, but then I don't at all. S grow made a horrible junkyard dog. Oh, I bet he did. What makes a good junkyard dog? He's like barking at an old bathtub.

You're just picturing like movies when someone What makes a good junkyard dog? He's like barking in an old bathtub. You're just picturing like movies when someone's running through a junkyard and they have to climb over like a chain fence and there's always like some Rottweiler chasing after it. Always, always, always. Because people like to get into the, you know what? Let people into the junkyard. Who cares?

What's going on at night? What are they going to take? Why are you guarding the junkyard? It's junk. It's junk. You're really good. They're doing you a favor. They're exactly. Let them take all that rusty old nonsense. Oh, we better make sure the dog, the dogs here, make sure nobody gets in here and steals that tire. I really think they only

exist for, for scenes and movies. I hope so. All right. We have one final post and these are always my favorite because, uh, and you know, unfortunately I never, you know, I, we have one final post and these are always my favorite because, and you know, unfortunately, I never, you know, we generally don't go into the comments, but they're usually fun when people make a guess. But let's see what we think. So this is from Stephanie and this is just a picture of what I'm gonna describe, then I'm gonna let you look at it. Can I ask you a question, Joan?

What? What? Are those glasses for reading or for distance? I can't believe you're calling this out. Cause this is a podcast and no one should know that I have to do this. I'm sorry. Because I'm very self-conscious about it. Oh, she's wearing them on the bottom of her nose.

Yes. You know why? Because I wear contacts if you must know. So if I just grab readers, I can't put them here because now, oh, that does work. But the. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I got so lightheaded from laughing just now

that I almost passed out. Here's why, here's why. Because I guess my eyes are getting worse because for the last couple months I did have to put them on my nose. Otherwise, if they were fully on my nose, it was too blurry. So you can't read with the contacts? No, and I'm waiting for, I guess they make contacts and I'm waiting, my optometrist just ordered them for me

that they're kind of almost bifocal contacts, right? Progressive, yes. That's right, but I don't have them yet. So in the meantime, I'm using these, but then a lot of times I want to just be able to read something, if I look up, everything was blurry and I didn't like it. And then I swear to you, for the last couple of months,

I put them fully on, it was blurry. And now you've just let me realize that I actually am now completely more blind and older. So thanks. This is real pleasure. I take your thanks sincerely. Cause I do feel like I'm told.

Well you shouldn't. It should have been clear by my reading of- Oh now you know you have to get your eyes checked. I just did. By me? No. By me saying that. My optometrist who ordered these goddamn lenses.

Alright, let's move on. This is from Stephanie. It's a picture of... Kay, I'm so sorry. Oh, not again! What now? If you put the glasses fully on and you look straight ahead... It's terrible.

It's blurry. It's blurry. Yes! Okay? Okay. So you really, you just need classic readers, not full size glasses. No, I don't because I have contacts on.

So what would be the point? Why do you have those is what I'm saying. Because if I look down with my contacts at this moment, I cannot read. But why are they full lens glasses and not just half? They aren't really, these actually are just readers. I don't think she. I can tell you just turned over and looked at me.

I'm looking at the snowing where I think Doug is. All right. You want to know, I want to litigate this no further. Okay. Understood. All I can suggest. Can I just read the post please? Put your hands above your head and yell quicksand. Okay. All I can suggest. Yes. Can I just read the post please?

Put your hands above your head and yell quicksand. Why? Because you're in the quicksand buddy. I'm in the quicksand. Did you just call me buddy? Oh, you called Bert buddy. I see. Okay. I'm buddy to your quicksand.

You're the quicksand. All right. I can't believe I'm only just now getting to read this. And now it's going to seem so stupid. There's just a picture of dirt and some grass and a big round object. Now I'm not going to describe the object, I'm going to have, I'm going to have Bert look at it. Oh, okay.

With his perfect glasses and his perfect figured out vision. Nope, we're not talking about it. Stephanie just asks, what is it about three inches long? Now you tell me what this is. To me, it looks like it could be a snail. It could be a rock, but it is a little bit strange. It's a rock. I think it's a rock. I zoomed in. It's a rock. Stephanie, I hope that helps. It always makes me laugh when it's something fairly obvious. Yeah. It's, it's that she felt the need to post it. I would have asked someone in person before I put it.

I agree. I absolutely agree. It's a little embarrassing. But that's that's a rock. It's a rock. You know, it's a very pretty rock. It's a pretty rock is what it is. Maybe she was thinking it was something exciting and she was just hoping she would get some

fun answers. Like a Griffin's egg. Like a Griffin's egg, which people constantly claim to find here in Dignity Falls. Why? How did that start? which people constantly claim to find here in Dignity Falls. Someone believed that a griffin was a real thing, that someone said that they found proof of griffin bones, griffin fossils. Ironically, they were found in quicksand, if you remember. And I think it was just probably the bones of a large bird. I think it was the bones of a large bird and there was a bit of a cat in there as well. And a cat ain't a bird. They died in the quicksand. That's what they felt.

It's like Pompeii. Yeah. But now people are saying they found Griffin eggs and it's, it's somebody, you know, they'll say it's anything, they'll say the colorful rock or a clot of dirt. They'll say it's fossilized. Somebody wants, it was a paint can? It said Glidden on it. That's clearly not a Griffin egg. But what a wonderful neighborhood it is to live in. It really is, we do love it, never a dull moment.

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Yeah. But do check that out because there's a whole world of entertainment waiting for you for a very reasonable price, if I may say. Indeed. And of course, follow us on Instagram if you'd like to see the posts that we discuss on the show Mm-hmm. That's all I've got. I think that's all you've got. Yes. All right. Well Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week until then Goodbye All of the posts used in this episode were real only some geographical specifics have been changed The neighborhood listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins.

And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by John Milheiser. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to CBBWorld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.