The Neighborhood Listen - You Can't Know What They Keep In That with Colton Dunn

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Joan shares what her brain is most terrified of, Burnt mourns the state of a local landmark, and Doug is connecting the dots. Later on the show, Ani (Colton Dunn) comes on to sound the alarms about a distressing situation he witnessed at Walmart.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock this episode and ALL seasons of The Neighborhood Listen ad-free, as well as full length exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app and us. Burn. And Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell.

We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. And welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen, the podcast that looks at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes. of its residence. I am one such resident and proud to be so. Oh, good for you.

My name is Burt Me a Payday. I am the pharmacist and chief of the Dignity Falls, missy here in Dignity Falls and with me as always is. Oh, Joan Pedestrian, I am the top realtor here in Digny Falls and I'm also a local actress. That's correct. The Digny Falls community players. That is also correct.

And rounding it out. And you know what? I'm already proud. I'm also proud of it. I'm sorry, burned. You sound is so haunted. That was very, I don't know, something about the abruptness of that, really. It got to me. It got to me, too.

Listen, sometimes I can't stop my mouth and my brain is terrified of it. And that happens often. What a terrible way to live. It's just being an actress. What is it? Your brain is terrified of the fact that you can't stop your mouth? Yeah. Sometimes my mouth just goes.

And my brain's like, what are you doing? Oh, no. But the brain controls the mouth. No, not this body, baby. Wow. Just ask Doug. And that's what you want to introduce, right? That's exactly.

Joe, you read my mind after hearing me try to do it. I'm sorry. We are, no, no, not at all. I was not trying to provoke an apology. Okay, well. It is appreciated. I knew it. See, you were happy.

You actually were happy you got one. Well, you could apologize to me for anything. I'd be happy. Things you didn't do. I don't care. I'm not doing that. Well, I'm not asking you to do that. I'm thinking you could.

Let's introduce Doug. My husband. That's right. Jones husband Doug is our engineer and Doug, hello to you. It's Doug. Yeah, we know. New catchphrase. That's a good new catchphrase.

It's pretty good. I wish my brain controlled my nose more than the other way around. Because you don't move it around. Because you don't be able to sniff around corners, that kind of thing. Well, you don't decide when you smell something or when you want to smell something. Boy, that's true. I never thought about that. I never thought about it.

You have no choice. We can't, we can't close our eyes. We can't close our nose. We can't close our ears. We can't close our ears. We can plug our ears. We can plug your ears, but wouldn't it be easier if you could just, you know, sort of blink, you know, with your ear canals.

Yeah. And your nose canal. And your nose canal. Yeah. So then, so, so what, what scenario would this be most helpful? Did you ever go down to nose canal, by the way? Oh, well, you know, there's so much trash there now. Yes.

Oh, it's sad. It's just so, it's so polluted. It used to be quite the destination. to be a lovely people would get engaged at nose canal all the time all the time and there were instead of of pictures of the ring on the hand it would just be a close up of a woman's nose she'd be pointing to it and you would get the message oh they got engaged it's really sad what happened it really is it's i wish we could clean it up well but at the end of the day even if it's clean and functioning again it's still just you're it's like taking a little boat ride in a giant

nose and you it's true and you know instead of putting locks on the fence that's there. Everyone put those pine tree air fresheners. They're just a ton of them hanging off. And those are actually kind of, they're all wet and soggy. That was the ballot initiative we voted on to put those air fresheners up. Why did we do that? That was so ridiculous when I think about it now.

Yeah. Why were we voting on what you could leave behind? It was either that or go through the trouble of cleaning it up and everyone decided it was too much of a hassle because I feel like people would change. change their minds. I feel like we're on three different tracks right now. Are we? Yes.

I think you're suggesting we vote, Doug, correct me if I'm wrong, that we voted instead of cleaning it up to just hang air fresheners. Right. Yeah, I thought that. Right, but I thought we were saying instead of locks,

that's what people would leave. Oh, is that the part of you miss babe? Not in an effort to make it smell better. You thought that that was to make it smell better. Yes. But you're saying you realize that's what he thinks. thought. Just now. I did just now. My brain and my mouth just realized it at the same time. Okay. So when we voted to leave the air fresheners there. I thought what you thought.

Oh, God. That it was. Yes. Yes. If people are going to leave a thing behind. That's what it's going to reminds me of severance. I don't like it. Why? Trying to figure out this puzzle of, you know, logic and lies. Doug is very worried. Doug is worried that he has been severance. Oh, I don't think anyone was lying about anything. Okay. I couldn't follow what you were saying. No, let me explain, Bert. Doug is very, Doug's very, Doug's very worried he has been severance Because he doesn't really trust things He saw the show

It got way too into his brain And so now when he wakes up He asks questions of me You know like what did I say about yesterday Did I say anything about the podcast I'm like we didn't severance you for this podcast Right He thinks we severanceed him for the podcast

Could you imagine if we did that? Well I'm not sure we know the difference There you go But you're not severance babe Who would have severanceed you I mean the order The order? Oh Doug not this again

Oh boy he's become a conspiracy theorist First he thinks he believes in the orange theory Where all the rich folks are using the oranges For their sick feasts That's right for their sick feasts Yes What is What's happening

Doug please walk everyone through the order But do it quickly babe Yeah be concise Be very accurate, but be precise. Be very informative, but precise. The local, um,s, but precise. Oh, okay. Yeah, local one.

Yeah, this is only local conspiracies. I don't believe it's other global conspiracy. Are you in the conspiracy room? Is that why, is that what this is happening? Are you in your conspiracy room? He built a conspiracy room. What does that be? And it's exactly what you think.

It's just all, just all from the movies. It's all yarn and photos. That's right. A lot of question marks, I imagine. Yeah. Lots of pins. There's lots of push pins. If you're going to have a conspiracy room,

and Doug, correct me if I'm wrong, what you have to have is red yarn, absolutely. Check. Oh, yeah. A bunch of photographs of rooms, buildings, people, blurry photos of people wearing sunglasses. Yes. Black and white.

Push pins, of course, black and white, of course. You have to have post-ins. Maybe one target, like a bullseye. Doug? Oh. Educate us. Educate us. I was thinking of the store target

when you said that for some reason. Oh, God. I was also going to say, yeah. Why? Why? Based on what we were talking about, why? You have to have postage too. You have to have postage.

Because I said a target. So you mean like you literally thought of it. You have to have a functioning target. Well, you need to buy these supplies from somewhere. That's true. So why? Why not? Why not just?

But we already have, we already have a sizzler in our home. because it's another room that Doug built from memory and also a sizzler to go like you would get like a Chili's 2 at the airport. So are we close? Are we closest to what's going on in the room? That's about it, but you got a little transistor radio too. Oh, okay.

To listen in. Oh, I see. Signals. Do you mean radio broadcasts? Are you like alien stuff, babe? Yeah, well, not necessarily. He believes in all that, too. Do you mean a Brooklyn Dodgers game?

If you go in between the channels, you can pick up some wild stuff. Of course, he's been on this ever since we had, because, you know, crop circles are a thing. And he's fascinating, but of course, in Digny Falls, we don't have those. We have shopping cart circles. And they will form, they will be formed in the lots of Walmart or Trader Joe. Yeah. We only have a Trader Joe. We don't have a Trader Joe's.

And I feel like that. And I'm like, it's so obvious that's kids doing it. Yeah. I mean, I think there's video of them doing it. Kids couldn't possibly do that. There's too many carts and it's too elaborate. He's tried. He's tried to reoccurts.

create it and he says he can't by yourself though exactly you need a few people yeah i got the boys to help me out oh god the boys we couldn't do it they got distracted of course they did i'm sure that they just i'm sure they just rode around in them right well we all took turns riding around of course you did these are my twin boys uh that we are talking about my twin boys matt and buffalo bill and buffalo bill now the the thing is about the shopping carts i feel like riding in shopping carts there is a definite cutoff point in life where it's not like you sort of get tired of doing it. It's like one day it's like this isn't fun anymore. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I know what you mean, but my boys still like doing it. I guess you're a little older than me. You can't apply the logic to my boys. Does one get in and one pushes or they're not trying to fit their legs through the holes, right? They get on the bottom. On the bottom?

Yeah, you know where you can put like a pallet? Yes. Yeah, that's where they get. Absolutely. That's where they go. They say it's much more scary. They try to stand up from the bottom. Well, there's one on the bottom and then one in the main cart trying to surf.

The main cart. Yeah. The main car. So is he standing and with arms outstretched? The main compartment. With arms outstretched. Yes. Oh, gosh.

Yeah. That doesn't surprise me that they weren't able to get anything done. The boys are still living at home, by the way, since we're talking about them. And they're making me insane. I had to go to, they're doing, they are in an improv group. I know I told you this last time. I told you. It's called D's Nuts.

It's so stupid. That's right. They do a show at the... Dildo factory. The laundromat. Oh. Sorry. I thought you were looking for suggestion.

No, that's what they constantly, but that is constantly what they say. Do you know, this happened to a friend of mine. A friend of mine went to an improv show that is, um, uh, that involves puppets. Oh, okay. Sure, sure, sure. Yes. I'm aware of that. Yeah.

So, so my friend. His friend is a puppeteer, so invited him to go see it. And so my friend went to see it. And somebody, when they asked for a suggestion of a place, someone in the audience truly did yell out a dildo factory. And my friend was astonished to see this happening in the wild. Well, if you will remember, I tried to do a little improv Christmas cabaret. Absolutely.

Where I tried to do that. But my boys ruined it because they would say that's where Dildo Factor. That's where they first started. Yes. because they yelled that to me. I was like, can I get a suggestion of a place where Jesus was born? Of a place. Of a place where Jesus was born.

I told you I'm not good at improv. I don't even know how to get the suggestions. But it's them and it's one girl who insists on playing male characters always. And I was like, good for you. Good for you. Because some places that's not allowed, right? Some places, yeah, it's called every improv group back in the day. And they perform at the laundromat dispensary here, high and dry.

That's the marijuana dispensary that only has dryers. Yes, it is. And you know what? They take nickels. You have to bring. You have to. It's all they take is nickels. So you can bring a pile of wet clothes and a roll of nickels and you're good to go.

And then you'll see some comedy. Or sometimes they have like a poet. sometimes they have a harpist and and uh and they just and they didn't have didn't have a big group and i didn't have anything to dry you know it's just the three of them well no i mean they didn't have a good group of uh an audience oh crowd not a good crowd not a good house at the dispensary laundromat that's right that's what they that's what we say with only dryers yes and it's so loud it's very very hard to hear them and they don't they're not trained like i am well because they made that hoodie's only rule.

And they only just... You can only bring in hoodies. With zippers. With zippers. No pullovers. Only and not half zip, not quarter zip. It's got to be a full zipper hoodie. Yeah.

And you can't zip it up when you put it. You have to put it in loose and open. Exactly. Loose and open. Loose and open. So, and so they're just always walking or they're just they're just trying to do it all around the house and it's just frustrating i was like don't bring you improv everywhere don't work don't work don't bring

your work home boys that's what i we can hardly call it work did they get paid i'm sorry i probably did i was so busy thinking about my boys i missed it what'd you say they're doing improv everywhere they're doing improv everywhere so like they'll go to a grocery store people are just trying to mind their own business buying groceries and then there's your boys getting in their faces like lock the doors there's a murder mystery Oh, it's just the worst. It's the worst. Which aisle were you in on the night of the murder?

Yeah, and I told, you know, they need to get jobs. And so I've given them a deadline. 100% after Halloween, because, you know, they love it so much. And so they're just out doing all sorts of Halloween things. Halloween's really making a comeback, don't you find? It really is. It really is. Ever since we, I mean, are we officially doing away with the pharmacist parade?

Or they just rescheduled it. They have. There's still a debate as to whether or not it should be rescheduled. I think it should. Certainly it's been scaled down. Good. Yes. Like meaning the scope of like the root of the parade or just like it's shorter?

Can I tell you not to be a Doug here, but when you said the root of the parade. Oh, no. I was picturing R-O-O-T. Okay. All right. As if it was something that needs to be dealt with. Well, I also do think that it needs the route and the route both need to be taking care of. Absolutely. Because the route is too long. The route is too long. Because it's a two and a half. Like, it goes around the same route twice. Makes several laps. Yes. And then a half time. And then everybody's supposed to go and meet the parade at the ending. Like, wherever you were along the route. For the end, everyone has to be in the same place. Yeah. Yeah. Well, not on the one where they do slow motion. But yeah. But they've made a rule that none of the floats can exceed 50 feet.

in the air? Oh, finally. Yeah. And none could be wider than the street anymore. Oh, thank God. I mean, like I told you, it was root and route. Wow, they're really scaling back. They really are. They're really scaling back. Yeah, yeah. Um, so how are, how are you and Gabby? What's going on? Um, we're, we're okay. We're okay. Gosh, you know, every time I've asked lately, it's never, I never hear good, I never hear great. And with a very, with a voice that has almost zero motion, I hear we are okay. This time, I heard some exhaustion. Well, I wouldn't say exhaustion. You've been sleeping in separate beds.

You've been interested in having garden parties because you were watching so much down in Abbey. Yes. Did you end up having a garden party? We did not. It was canceled due to lack of interest. On our part. I think so many garden parties get canceled because of that. Yeah, we sent out invitations and then.

I didn't get one. Are you? I didn't get one. You didn't get one? No. You're not going to tell. There's not going to be a Dakota Johnson Ellen Jenner's moment, is it? Yes, you did, get one.

Wait, what? I didn't realize it. What a weird thing that was. It was so weird, right? It was so weird. Because on the one hand, I could see Ellen just doing the normal, like the go-to, dumb joke of,

well, how wasn't I invited to your party? Sure. But then it became very real. It got so serious. She made it so serious. is so fast. What did she say? Actually, that's not true, Ellen?

Is that what she said? I mean, she really, I kind of, I feel like you did it very good. It was like, actually, we did, Ellen. We did invite you. I think maybe we did get the invitation. I might have.

Babe. I might have it in this room. Oh, no. Did you write something on the back of it? Like, who else knows? I've been intercepting all of our mail and going through it. Oh, no.

no what do you mean it's your home so what do you mean you're intercepting the male talking about i have to protect my family oh baby this is no no we're not going to start talking like i am a father he's going to start writing on the windows honor bound to my home oh my gosh it's going to be do you know they're making a musical a beautiful mind i'm not kidding i mean i guess at this point well i'm not surprised by anything. I can't believe the notebook. Who was to see that? That was

a real hit. People really loved that. It's bananas to me. It's very romantic, burned. It's romantic. People like it. Right. Romantic and sad. Lots of musicals are romantic and sad. Now, that one I get. I kind of get that one. Yeah. Anyways, can you please stop intercept? You never saw it? You never, wait a minute.

What is this? Why is there a helicopter above the house? Doug, did you summon a helicopter? This is right above our house. It is good for the conspiracy room. What are you doing? It really brings the vibe. Then I had to stir the sauce. I'd turn it up to 300 degrees,

stirred for two hours. Remember that from Goodfellas? No. Now I do. He's going crazy because of cocaine, the drug. Again, we're not a movie podcast. We've already referenced quite a few. How many movies have we referenced so far?

Beautiful mind. That was my fault. Down tabby, sort of the movie. That doesn't really now. Explicably, another movie. And I feel like there was another one. Notebook. That's right.

No, we go. We're not a movie podcast. No, we're not. Okay, so then why the exhausted answer about Gabby? Well, because, and I'm not exhausted. We, you know, we started sleeping in the separate bedrooms, and that was kind of fun. But then I haven't seen her in a few days. Oh.

Well, I have some follow-up questions. Okay. You mean you literally have her. car even been at the house? No. It is not. But then she did... Has she responded to text messages or phone calls?

Not as such, no. What does that mean? Well, I guess no. Okay. So we'll go with no. And what happened the last time you saw her? Do you guys have a fight? Did we have a fight?

I mean, we did... The subject of marriage did come up again. Did she bring it up? No, I brought it up. Okay. and what was the context of you bringing it up? I said, remember when we almost got married. Did I know this?

Did I know you almost got married? Yes. I did. Sorry, can you remind me and all our listeners? Well, I got cold feet and I was a runaway groomed. Oh, that's right. I don't know why I thought maybe for some reason that was some other lady.

I'm sorry I forgot that it was Gabby. Oh. I mean, you haven't known a lot of my girlfriends. This is true. This is very true. Yeah. Okay, you said, remember when we almost got married? What did she say?

And she just sort of looked at me and then she closed her eyes for a really long time. Cool. She got up from the table. So I still closed. Yeah. She's feeling around. At one point, she opened the fridge because we have, you know, we have doorknobs on our refrigerator. I didn't know.

Didn't know that. A doorknob. That's awesome. A doornaub on a refrigerator. You, babe. Why? Which kind of door knobs? How is it better that you have to turn it more so that it's more work than I handle?

Absolutely, it is, but it's we enjoy it. Okay. It's not that much work. Can you lock it? You can lock it. Not from the inside. We made sure that you can't do that. Good idea.

Good idea. Yeah. Okay. So then you did. Because if you're inside the fridge and somebody locks it, then your best bet would be to slide a piece of paper under the door, push the key out. But we don't keep paper in the fridge. You know, Doug has a,

always been just sort of enamored with the Sunny D. commercials and how they get that shot. He loves any commercial where he always likes to imagine there is someone in the refrigerator watching from the perspective of the food or anthropomorphizes the food. You know, they're his favorite. I think what's another one

that does? Miracle Whip does those kinds of commercials. Any commercial where you're inside the refrigerator, Doug loves. There's that commercial for some sort of milkshink for old people where... Oh, and sure? Yeah, and so they're inside the fridge and all the things in the fridge. Why don't they just go milkshake for old people.

Do you know what? Old people love treats. They do. They love treats. And I get it. I get it. You're saying how many more years do I have left? Of course I'm going to have treats.

So wait, insured does this as well? But all the products only have arms. That's the old thing that has the more. Oh, really? You mean in their refrigerator, but they don't have faces. They don't have faces. Oh, that's upsetting. That's upsetting.

Okay. So wait. Continue. Continue. Continue. What did Gabby do? She opens the door of the refrigerator. And then she realized, well, that's not my room. She finally made it out of the room. I see. And into her bedroom, closed the door. And that was the last time we still. So she's at the house. I think. Oh, okay. I don't want to. I'm not going the door. But I don't want to open the door because that's an invasion of process. That's not normal, Byrne. She needs to, does she have any way to eat? For days? She's just been in that room? I don't know. She might be eating when I leave the home. Babe, don't you find this upsetting?

I mean, this is weird. Oh, no, he's going to think there's some conspiracy about it. Oh, Doug. Oh, Doug. Don't take us there. But this is concerning. Do you have tinfoil? Oh, boy.

On me? No, on your property. Do you mean like in the home? Yes. Yes, we do have. Why? That's on your property, your home. Yeah, I guess I don't think of it is that way.

That confusing. I'm trying to talk like a... Okay, okay. Okay. Okay, Doug. Everything's all right. Thank you. You're trying to talk like a what? Doug knows a little bit about this. The only time I've ever...

A professional. The only time I ever... I've done that once, but I made a very big show that I was... I said, I'm going and I'm not coming out. And that was when I didn't make the women's choir... The women's choir under 50. And that, as everyone knows, that was very devastating to me. Yes.

I was in there, and I did, I didn't lock the door because I didn't want anyone to think I was being unsafe. What were we going to say, babe? Oh, nothing. I misheard you. But I did slip you food under the door. He did, he did. He found, he, he, he pressed me, all sorts of my favorite food. Mostly matzah, cold cuts, fruit roll-up.

Pizza. You would be surprised how much you can actually get under a door. Yeah, it's true. It's smart Because you're The distance between the bottom of your door The floor It's not regulation is it

No nothing is about our house It's slightly higher Mm-hmm Slightly higher For just in such an occasion Right Flatbreads can fit in there Mm-hmm

If they're not If they don't have too many toppings Yeah No you don't want high toppings No But this is the difference He knew I was in there Some people

Bugles on a flatbread Ew Bugles on a flat bread I love that Bugles on a flat bread Mirror in the bathroom That's where I went I was thinking of

Heroes on a half shell turtle Oh sure This is Doug we're talking about We should have known We should have known Ha ha ha ha ha Here goes on a flat bread Well

This is the difference This is all I'm trying to say that he knew I was in there and I didn't lock the door. Have you checked to see if the door is locked? I have gone to touch the knob many times and then retreated.

Okay. Well... Because it could be hot. Why? Have you ever seen those? Have you ever seen those? Have you ever seen those? Like in movies?

Are you thinking of home alone? You ever seen those? Hot door knobs? When Joe Pesci puts his hand on the hot doorknob. Oh God. I don't think there's a fire in there.

The doorknob gets hot. I know. Like backdraft. Like all of that stuff. I don't think there's a fire in there. I think you would know at this point. I think you would know.

What was the plot of that? Also, she's a smoke jumper. Fire. I think there's more to it than that. I know that fire is. This is because, of course, again, because because Buffalo Bill and Matt, my twins are, were obsessed with backdraft.

We used to take them often to Universal Studios. We had a couple trips out there because they had that backdraft. In fact, they hid, they managed to hide and spent the night in there one night. Like from the mixed-up files of Mrs. Basilie, Frankweiler? Now that was a lot of words.

And I've never heard of them. It's a story that, a children's book, and the only thing I remember about it. This is my favorite thing about you. Remember only a few things from everything. Well, I mean, life is long. It sure is. Come on, Joan. The only thing I remember is it's a brother and sister, their kids.

They hide in a department store. Oh, right. Okay. Not a department store. Maybe the museum. Oh. Because there's a fountain. that they use to sort of wash up

and also they collect the coins from the fountain to purchase food in the automat. They sound terrible. This is not... They sound terrible. Yeah, they're stealing... You're not concerned for them at all? They're children, Joan.

Okay, I'm sorry. I don't know what... These are not studying fires all over the place. My boys don't do that anymore. The fires are... I'm glad. They're contained... What level of containment are we at?

You're asking about what the plot of backdraft is. I'm going to get you back to that. Again, even though I said that I wasn't going to talk about movies as much because sometimes I'm wrong about the finer points. But I believe, in one way, yes, it's just about fire. It's about teaching the public about the word backdraft because no one knew about it before that movie started. Ron Howard wanted everyone to know about it. You got to watch out for that. You got to watch out for that.

But then it was also about how, you know, a lot of times arsonists are like firemen themselves and that comes from the inside. And it was Donald Sutherland this time. Sorry for the spoiler. Oh. It was Donald? It was. Now that I'm very worried now that I'm going to be wrong. I cannot remember if I've seen that movie or not.

I feel like I must have. I wish we could do what three things burnt remembers, but I don't even know I could do that from backdraft. Back, all I know is fine. That's all I'd have. It's fire, Billy Baldwin. Billy Baldwin. Yeah.

Yeah, and the poster. The poster was very, it was very striking. I have just the vaguest image of just flames. See, the plot is fire. I guess Doug's right. The plot is fire. So are there a series of arsons that they're investigating? Yes.

And they find out that it's, you know, it's coming from within. The fire's coming from within the house. It's like the chief fire office. What are they called? Definitely not chief fire off. Fire marshal. Oh, okay. Sure.

Fire marshal. I don't know. I'm now worried that Donald Sutherland wasn't in it. So we should probably take a break. Babe, how long have we been talking? Oh, boy. It takes a minute.

Especially, God knows what you, what setup you have in there for recording. 36 minutes. No, sorry, 27 minutes. Oh, my gosh. It's going to say that's too long. Terrifying. All right.

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Ends November 23rd, but bonus plan is November 2nd. Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro. Copyright McDonald's. Hi, this is Ted. Free ice cream. A random gift, but wanted to offer, before I throw away, try to scoop with this ice cream, and it wasn't for us. Anyone interested? Tillamook Campfire Peanut Butter Cup.

Porch pickup in Dignity Falls near the hospital. Okay, now I know I said that I try to scoop, And when you look at the picture, it's obviously much more than a scoop. It looks like half of the container is gone. And I'll just say that I indeed tried one scoop and didn't like it. And then handed the carton to my son. And my son, he was like a Tasmanian devil just eating this ice cream and saying, how am I supposed to know if I don't like it, if I don't give it a chance?

And he was just going to town, just shuffling it in there. and then he had like a, like his cheeks were full of ice cream. Just, just to, he was really packing it in there. And then it took him about 15 minutes to, to let it all sort of melt down his throat. And then he sort of looked up in this, at the ceiling. And he took a finger and he put it on his chin. He's tapping his chin, like, hmm, hmm, do I like it? Do I like it?

And then finally looked at me and says, I pronounce it. No. I don't even know what I pronounce it. No. So, anyway, I'm sorry it's not as much as you might like, and I'm sorry that he did repeatedly put the spoon in his mouth and then in the ice cream. But he didn't really, he just loaded the ice cream in. He didn't really suck on the spoon, if that may.

Is this gross? I'm so sorry. But look, it's most of a half of a bunch of ice cream. And as I say, it's porch pit. up and you better get here soon because I haven't pushed send on this post yet and it was

15 minutes ago. Hey, welcome back to the neighborhood listen. That was a crazy sound burnt. Wasn't it? I was just saying and welcome back. By way of a lot of other syllables. Does that kill us a lot of syllables if I just stretch out the one word? I guess not. I guess I don't know word for it.

boy. There's been too many pressions on the podcast already this episode. I remember somebody told me it's because he doesn't it's clearly because he doesn't want to say, uh, because that makes sound intelligent. That's a good trick, actually. That really is a good trick. But then once you notice it, it sounds absolutely

it sounds crazier than you would imagine. All right. We have a guest, Joe. We do. But you had an update on the backdrop situation. Well, I mean, I was just, I was happy that I was correct that Donald Southern was in it and he was the inspector. and his name was Donald.

What is it? It was Donald Shadow Rindale. It's quite a name. It's very Lord of the Rings. Anyway, it really is. Like Donald's his title. I would go by Shadow. Sure, of course you would.

That was my middle name. I bet it was his nickname. Oh, okay. It was. It was like his call sign, like for firemen. That's what it seems like. I don't know. It seems like that's what they kind of make it seem like

because they have nicknames in this movie as they're listing them out. There was Stephen Bull McCaffrey, so that's like a second person, John Axe Adcox. They all have, imagine being the fireman who gets to have the nickname Axe. I mean, you have to be so good with that thing. You have to be like, on the ground level for that. Look, I'm pretty good with an axe, but he deserves it. He deserves the nickname Axe.

He's, you've never seen somebody with an axe like this. He can spin it on his finger. He can spin it on his finger, sister. All right, let's get to our guest. Yes. As we do every week, we comb the neighbor app, the social networking application for neighborhoods to look for interesting people in our neighborhoods to talk to. And if you think you've seen a post that we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at burnt and Joan at gmail.com. This one comes to us from, I think this was a, no, this was not a listener submission. And we appreciate our listeners sending in submissions. Again, we do have listeners. We do not have fans. We are not being presumptuous. We don't want to be. All right. This comes to us from, uh, Ani in the crime and safety section.

I writes, be careful. That's a little headline in bold. Be careful where you guys go today at Walmart. Two overdosed guys were throwing stuff like food and climbing on fruit stands and hitting people and even babies and kids. Okay. And they even had a brief case with them. I think that's they even had a briefcase with them. Was case like

Italicized? No, it's two separate words. I think the word briefcase is one word. I think so. Okay. A briefcase with them. Because it's the, it's the use of even that is.

Yes, yes. As if it's, as if that would be an obvious choice for them. You can't know what they keep in that. A gun? Maybe what they smoke or something or bad. Then we asked a Walmart worker, why aren't you guys calling the comments?

Their answer only was, we can't call the cops. That's a tough answer. What do you mean you can't call the cops? Question mark, exclamation mark, question mark, exclamation mark. Would you rather lose your job or life over something like that? And then it's the emoticon that you rarely see anymore. It's the knit eyebrows and the frowny face. Oh, okay.

Yes. You have to use the less than, the greater than symbol. Out of context, I don't know which it is. I don't know, but I'm sorry. My dog escrow is going crazy in the background. Okay, he is looking at the turned off television. What do you think he sees in there? Nothing because he's blind, remember?

Eyes are just two marbles. All right, keep on. Please, let's introduce our guest. Ani, Ani, thank you for being here in the neighborhood, listen. Yeah, thanks for having me on. You're welcome. And, Ani, this is a somewhat harrowing tale. It was an incredible experience, I got to tell you.

An incredible experience. Wow. Okay. Well, so take this true. Is this a Walmart? A little fire underneath me. Oh, okay. Wow. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Well, you sound very determined. Oh, yeah. But to do what?

Good question. Well, you know, to be honest, what I decided is that I'm going to go ahead and start and, yeah, I'm glad you gave me this platform. Oh, of course. where people to sign up, if the police aren't going to step in and do what needs to be done. I think us as neighbors need to step it up.

And so I'm starting a neighborhood militia. Oh, my goodness. Because this situation, by the way, was out of control. Way more extreme. Yes. Militia's a, that's a heavy one. You should have seen these guys. Big word to throw around.

All right, you know all the fruit stands they have at Walmart. Absolutely. They got fruit stands. I love going there for fresh fruit. And I'm not just talking about the lower level of the fruit stands. These guys were climbing onto the upper deck of the fruit stands. The pineapple part? The part where they have like the kiwis.

The banana tree where they're all hanging? That's high up. That's really high up. Now, one of them tried to climb that banana tree. Well, you know, it's like a, you know, sometimes they make that fun display where they hang them up on a big rack like the trees and the banana tree. I'm all for fun. I'm all for jokes. I'm all for giggles.

I'm all for a good time. Okay. But at Walmart where there's families. Yeah. Of course. There are families there. They generally are. And these guys had a brief case.

Okay, now, can you explain that? What do you mean by brief case? Are you doing like a Commodore spin? It was a brief case. No, a brief case. You guys are familiar. As in a short, small. Okay, imagine if you're in the court of law, right?

Okay. And somebody has brought a law suit against you. You would have to hire a lawyer. to represent you and that lawyer would be carrying a brief case. Okay.

So we just mean, we all mean the same thing. Things that you, a little sort of like suitcase that you put papers in. Yeah. Right. For your briefs.

Perfect description of a briefcase. Thank you. But suit case. Ah, I see. Isn't it interesting? I want to get in more to what makes him take that pause. But first I want to ask,

is this your regular Walmart? Have you been going there for years? Is this the first time you saw anything like this happened there? I was the first customer. to walk through the doors that way wow really first customer day one when it opened up I was there was that a purpose I recognize you from your picture of course oh yeah they do have you framed oh yeah that's right they do have your you're on a frame you're in a frame on the wall and I brought

that up after I complained to them and they said there was nothing they could do and that's when I realized I should take things into my own hands start you know training in my backyard trying to get a couple guys together a couple times a week just to go over the motions so that if this happens again, if this happens again, I'll know what to do. Okay, let me ask this. When you asked them to call the police and they said, we can't do that. Did you just think, well, I'll just call the police? Good question, Bert.

Yeah. I mean, are you not allowed to call the police from the store? I would think you could just use your phone. Oh, I think we might have, he's looking off into the distance. In fact, I couldn't tell you. what the emotion is on his face. He really went far away just now. He went so far away.

I'll be honest, I didn't think about it. Because you started blaming the police. You're saying if the police aren't going to do anything. Yeah, but it's really more the Walmart employees that would not call. You know, that's who you should direct your anger at, you know, I think. Maybe not the police is you didn't give them a call. All right. Well, I'll check into that.

I'll call and see if there are, in fact, police already. Perhaps I'll rethink. police already. Oh, like on the case you mean. On the brief case. I inferred there were no police available. When they said they could not call the police, I inferred that that there was no power. And you took that to mean there are no cause there's available. Okay. How do you think they would know this at Walmart? I mean, they put no, they know where everything's out of the store. I mean, the knowledge are very knowledgeable. You cannot be, you cannot get a job at Walmart without being on top of it. I guess I wouldn't take that to mean that

they're oracles of some kind that they have they can be aware of anything just because they know where everything is in the store where they work got it now thanks for not making that a fight now you say no listen wait admittedly we should I mean listen the Digny Falls police I'm listening Joe maybe it was outside their hours sometimes they're the worst I mean sometimes they really have not been helpful at all of course so I you know I kind of that's kind of where I was going. They have hours. Well, that's why. The police have hours.

They do have hours. They will not, they will not. It's mortifying. They will not stop crime for certain hours of the day. When people come here from out of town and they see posted on the police station, 10 to 6? Not even first thing in the morning.

They get mad. They go, God, it's 10 p.m. what do you want? They're always annoyed. They're just always annoyed. You never see him. If it's like past mid-night, you never see them. Oh, my goodness. One of the things I really hate is when they, if after dark, they answer the phone and they put on a fake sleepy voice.

Oh, yeah. Yes. Come on. Just don't answer the phone. That'll never happen with my militia. I can guarantee you that. Let's get to this. Let's, Ani, is that right?

No. Ani. Ani. What do you, can I ask what you do for a living? Banani. It is. That's kind of fun. It is fun.

I enjoyed saying it. Can I do it? Oni Bonani. Oh, that is fun. Babe, did you want to try it? Is it Anakin? Is that what I'm going to sort for? No.

Oh. Why would you think that? Ani? But it's Anakin. Do they call him Ani in the movie? Yeah, I think so. That's dumb. I can't imagine.

Oni, but Ani. Sorry, I was derail. If your name was Thomas and people called you Tome. Exactly. You can't just change this. Anyway. Okay, Ani, Benani, can I ask, it's not? Can I ask what you do for a living?

First, I need to know that. Yeah, well, you know, a contractor. Okay. Okay, now that's, now that leads me to a follow-up question. Do you have any military or law enforcement experience? Adjacent. Adjacent. Now I'm going to have to ask a follow-up of what, I need you to clarify what adjacent means.

Okay. So I enlisted to join the United States Marines. Okay. Was not accepted. Because? There were some issues with the application process. And what were those issues? They just felt like, you know,

Perhaps I would be a better fit with another branch of the military. And why did they feel that way? Okay. They just thought that with my certain set of skills, I would be, they would apply better with another branch of the military. And which would that be? With the Army. Okay.

All right. So you had skills that were so beyond the Marines. They said you actually should be in the Army. They sent me to the Army. What they meant, but maybe. Enlisted. Enlisted. Enlisted.

Enlisted. Okay, when you got sent away to training camp. Sure. Sent away. Yeah. Set back fairly quickly after arriving. Oh, why is that? It was not a good fit.

Uh-huh. And why wasn't either? Well, the drill sergeant that was sort of assigned to the group that I was with, me and him just didn't really see eye to eye on things. I see, I see. Would you say that you didn't like any of the training? Would you say, you know, from your perspective, how did it? having a great time.

You were having a great time. I was enjoying it. I was, I thought I was doing great. Oh, okay. So you enjoyed it. I loved it. I loved it. But the drill sergeant disagreed. Yeah, for some reason, I just, it might have been my, some of the, you know, I was, I was very vocal. Okay. I was. I think they don't like that, right? Yeah, certainly not when they don't want you to be. Yeah.

Well, you know, but I, you know, look, when I see, you know, you see a light bulb that's unscrewed a little bit and, you know, you just screw it back in and turn the light on. When you see a light bulb, you know, when you see a light bulb, right, and it's unscrewed a little bit, you know, you gotta, you gotta tighten that up. And that's just kind of what I saw some stuff that was broken. I figured I would, you know, if I saw something, I'd say something. I'd be like, you know, fix this, what's that? About light bulbs. No, I think that was metaphorical. I believe so.

Can I ask how many days were you there before you were sent out? Three. Okay, I figured it was going to be a short amount of time. Three days. It's not many days. That's not many days at all. And is that, sorry, but does that conclude your military experience? No, came home, applied for the police academy.

Okay. In Detroit, Michigan, where I was born. Okay. And was accepted. Congratulations. All right. Join the force. I got a gun.

I got a badge. Oh, okay. The whole deal. The whole thing. You know, unfortunately, didn't work out. We kind of decided to go our separate ways. And why didn't it work out? I shot a couple people.

were the people other who were the people uh just you know uh well the one a bank was being robbed okay and um i got the address a little off and i entered um you know gained entrance to a what i thought was a bank it turned out that it was a donut shop that was uh just a corner store donut shop right yes um i saw a guy handing another guy a bag uh you know again i'm in you know i'm in you know i I assume that I'm arriving at a bank robbery. Right. So I took a shot. Right.

Because I had a clear shot at the man who was handing the bag over. Okay. Got him. The man who was taking the bag, you know, just acted so suspicious after that. And what would you describe his actions? He was screaming. Oh, he was saying why, why? And that was suspicious.

And again, I'm thinking it's a bank robbery, dummy. Your bank is being robbed. Sure. But he didn't get it. He freaked out. Okay. So I'm going to say if somebody's handing a bag. Yes.

I would put them behind the counter. I know. That's the first guy I shot. But here's the thing. I believe I know what Doug is going to say, right? To be fair, in Digny Falls, we do have a donut shop that is in an old mortgage company building. And likewise, in an big, gigantic donut-shaped building, that's where the- And they do put the donuts in a bag, not a box.

They do. It's I wish they would change that. This literally has been established. All the different frostings, toppings, glazes get on each other. I know. They shake it up for you. It's very interesting that we spoke about this. They shake it up for you, even though I don't think it would want that.

But they say, one final touch, and then they shake the bag rapidly and then hand you the doughnuts. So it's interesting that you're bringing this up because I never even occurred to me that someone might, this exact scenario might happen because it doesn't look like a donut shop. But let me ask you this, though. okay so it's there's a donut shop inside the bank no no the mortgage wait what are you talking about yeah the mortgage it's an old mortgage company what I don't know what you're talking about I don't think I was in the neighborhood of what we were discussing yes but I thought that you were actually think that there was like a concurrent business like mortgage and donuts that's what I was thinking that

yeah no it's just an old abandoned mortgage completely separate you know owners and licenses yes oh there was there was Well, Eskros sensed a butterfly run past him. Sented a butterfly. Yeah, well, he's really good about that these days. These days? So, he's had to win down. It's a still he's recently acquired?

It is, it is. I'm very proud of him. So sorry, let's get back to this. So how many people ended up actually being injured as a cat? 13. That's a lot. Injuries? 13.

Oh, no. There were not any deaths. Just two fatalities? Two fatalities. Oh, dear. Those are the people count as shooting. Sorry. Oh, it's three fatalities.

Okay. More. No. Well, as a couple weeks after, somebody else passed away from their injuries. Sure. Oh, wait. You know what? I'm so sorry.

I messed up. Was it still in Detroit? This was still in Detroit. Oh, then it wasn't the dignity. It was not a donut store. Well, then you'd really messed up. So he just walked into a donut shop and you started shooting people. There's no excuse for what you did whatsoever.

I mean, again, I was responding to what I thought was a bank robbery. But you walked into a donut shop. I mean, were there pictures of donuts everywhere? Yes, I mean, so, yes. I mean, there's donuts on everything in this. It's very well branded. Did you find yourself saying this bank smells delicious when you walked in there?

You know what? When you're in the zone, when you're in law enforcement, you know, you're focused on the goal right there. Right. And, you know, so things like sight, smell, taste, you know, things like that. Sure. You have to push those to the side. You close up your holes.

Sight? And you just have to focus on the target. The one sense I could see pushing aside is maybe taste. But I think all of the other ones you absolutely need. Absolutely. Okay. So then I'm assuming you were let go right after this happens. I was relieved of duty shortly.

Did you actually, did anyone try to sue you? Were you accused of any crime of manslaughter or anything? Yeah. Murder? Murder? Potentially? No, I wasn't, I wasn't at charge with murder. Conspiracy?

Oh, boy. That's my husband. He's in a different room. That's my husband, Doug. I was not charged with conspiracy. I did, you know, I had, I paid a small fine. Okay. You know, I had to spend some restitution.

Okay. But you know what? After that, I got my focus up, and then I started working in security and putting myself through school. Right. And, you know, and that's in, you know, found a great place down here. Sure. Okay.

You know, that would hire me as a general contractor. And where's that? Okay. So you worked security to pay for school. Then you became a general contractor? Yeah, I'm a general contractor. Who? Okay.

Let's put a pin in the career for a moment. Great. Because I would like to get some things straight on the incident itself at the Walmart. Oh, good, good. Okay, they're throwing stuff like food. And climbing on fruit stands, hitting people even babies. Even babies. Even babies.

They were hitting the babies in the head with the fruit. they were hitting people multiple babies there was a they were hitting them with fruit they're throwing fruit and it's hitting people no with their with their hands with their hands putting their hands oh no what going toe to toe with these babies how is that possible you're saying you're saying they're hitting babies and like like punching like squaring off. Oh, no. She had the babies.

Oh, my goodness. This is absolutely horrible. It was very violent. I mean, that is very violent. And I said, that's why I, you know, obviously I'm like, we've got to get the police involved here. I understand. And I wish I would have had that idea to call the police myself at that moment. I mean, I do, too.

I do wish you had because I think, you know, this would be very different. It might be a different situation, depending on if you call them, they're all. The baby's got their licks into. Now, see, when you said toe to toe, that implied there was any kind of fair fight. What does that mean? You saw a baby punch and an adult back? What? No, wait a minute.

Were these guys hitting at a sort of baby level of strength? Yeah, I mean, they were junkies. They were junkies, you know. You say there were junkies, yes. And that they even had a brief case. And what you said, anything could be in there. Anything could be in there. Did you ever find out what was in there?

It was actually a lamp that was too long to fit in the brief case, kind of like. Mary Poppins. So they opened it up and when they pulled it out it was like a bunch of stuff in there and a ridiculous amount of just sort of like

lighthearted fun things. That is not what I expected. No, I didn't expect that either. Like something magical. Definitely didn't expect something magical. I thought it would just probably be... It makes me have a lot more questions now.

Like who are these people? It turned out they worked for the cable company is what I found out later. Okay. Well, I can't stand those people who hang outside the... who hang outside the store and ask me how my cable is. Oh, I didn't know people were doing that.

Oh, yeah, they are. Oh, they do that all the time. It's the worst. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. Did they get you, Joan? They almost got me. Thanks to Doug, that was the one conspiracy theory that he warned me about.

The cable companies. Yeah. Combo taught me that. Oh, yeah. Oh, combo, yes. Not Tonyo? Your buddy combo. Toadiel, no.

He's not a part of it anymore. a part of what anymore basically anything is this RIP Tonyo? No no no he's still healthy and happy Okay he's just not He decided to not be part of anything

He recused himself from the friend group He's still a friend He's just not participating in society Is he still in the group chat? That's a good question He's not participating in society That makes me concern for him actually It's a little scary.

Does he have himself locked in a room somewhere in a house? He's got some good arguments for it. Oh, well, I'm sure he does at this point. Make some good points. I don't doubt. Combo is trying to do his own sort of illegal cable hookups. Yes. He doesn't like these official guys muscling in his action.

Yeah, I'm interesting. Basically. So, yeah, they worked for the cable company. How did you discover this? Well, again, again, as I did my own investigation. Yes. when the cops wouldn't show up. But went outside, I realized there was a truck there from the cable company.

And that the access that they needed was above the fruit stands, which is why they're. Okay, but then why, okay, fine, that explains why they were there? Why were they throwing the fruit at people? Is this because there just happened to be cable guys and they were still overdosing? That is true. I think they may have been bumping the fruit. Just kind of bumping it. The fruit may have just been falling.

Oh. The fruit may have been falling. Right. So then, but then the fact that they were probably high as kites, that's why they were starting to try to hit the babies. And maybe since they weren't, didn't have all the faculties, maybe they didn't, maybe the babies did hit harder. Maybe they missed a lot of swings because, you know, you're not thinking straight. I'm going to posit something here. Okay.

And tell me if this sounds plausible. All right. What you witnessed was two people installing cable for some reason. in the Walmart. And because... Does it? Well, I mean, it has... Certainly.

It has cameras. Sounds like it does now. Okay. You can watch all the games at Walmart. I did not know that. I mean, it kind of does make sense for if you have TVs on display. Oh, okay. Sure.

Not all the Walmarts have a tech department, but yes, the ones that do. I believe that one does. The one we have, it's pretty big Walmart. Mm-hmm. where it, it sort of, like, bleeds over into the church. Like, if you walk through the Walmart long enough, you'll end up in the church. Yeah, you can go through a connected wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you used to be catacombs.

So I think what you may have witnessed is two employees from a cable company installing cable in the Walmart, and they had to climb up atop these fruit. stands, which they should have moved. They definitely should have. But I see there's sort of like a built-in ladder on the side of the shelving. And I think fruit was just falling and maybe hit some people. And with the babies, I wonder if they might have just been playing with the babies. Oh, now you're thinking that Anni was truly grossly mistaken as to what he saw.

Yes. I don't know. What do you say to that? Mr. Bonani. Oh, wow. He's really... He's got that look again. Another shutdown.

Got that look again. Bert, I think you're really throwing it for a couple of loops. When you punch someone, yeah, do you normally have a small little jiggly rabbit that rattles in it? And you shake it a couple times before you, you know? Me, no. No, I'm never holding, am I holding like a baby toy? No, but I've never punched anyone, so I'm not a good person to ask. I haven't punched anyone in years.

That may have been what was happening. Right. So you mean that the cable guys are actually being nice to the babies? and we're sort of saying hi to them and picking up a toy, maybe in their stroller. I mean, if I look back at it through, you know, your eyes, the way you, the way you explain it, makes me think perhaps I have gone a little bit too far past. Oh.

And do you think instead of saying we can't call the cops, they said, we're not going to do that? Or we don't need to do that? But that's the same thing, right? I mean to say we're not, say, say, sir, stop bothering me. I'm not going to do that. And we can't do that are the same thing. Oh, that's different. No, there's, we can't call the cops.

But now he's adding a, sir, don't bother me. That maybe they said that back to him. Don't bother me again about this. Oh, no, not an again. Those are the cable guys. Oh, wait a minute. What's they? Wait, is this a memory that you're having that they said.

This is important information. This was all just stuff that at the time, now I look back. Now you go, oh, my goodness. At the time, I thought that. this was just more cover. I thought this was more cover for the fact that there was no functioning police department

in our town. Oh, wow. Those are two separate things. Maybe they were installing landline with the cables. And they couldn't. Oh. And they couldn't what? So they couldn't call. Right, I see.

Uh-huh. Ani, I have two, I have two questions. Can I ask, I don't know, there's a date on this post. When did this happen, first of all? This was a couple weeks ago. It was a couple weeks ago. And second of all, I need to know, I think we need to ask, how far along are you in this militia situation?

Yeah, that was my next question. Because I'm concerned. I'm pretty deep. I'm pretty pot committed to the militia thing. What does that look like? How many? Pot committed. What does that mean in this context?

I put a lot of money into this so far. Oh, no. A lot. Where did this money go? Into I had to get uniforms. I had to hire people. I had to hire. I don't know if you did.

need to wear uniforms anymore. It seems to be a thing of the past. But what do your uniforms look like, just out of curiosity? Well, we have a summer, spring, and fall and winter units. A collection. You know, the weather swings. Sure. The weather swings.

We always say that here in Ding's Falls. You need a sproon uniform? Oh, yeah. Sproon famously. The only, only to Dignity Falls, the fifth season. I've signed a lot of contracts. Oh. How many people are involved in this movie?

Yeah, yeah, that's one you didn't know. That I've, that I've hired because, you know, it's partially, you know, partially volunteer. Oh. That's why I'm here is looking for the community. How about the combined number? Yeah. Okay, combined number.

26 people total. Wow. How many of those are paid? 20. Okay. And six volunteers. Six people have volunteers. Six people volunteer.

Tentatively. Tentatively. I mean, it's all, you know. Are these people, do you, are you guys training already? Are you, do have weapons? I have been training I have I do have weapons I've spent a lot

I mean obviously as you can imagine that's where the lion's share of my money has gone to weapons The weapons and the vehicles You know obviously Well you can't You can't I mean how are you going to police a city

Without without vehicles You know so I need obviously the day to day You know vehicles How many vehicles do you talk? You know a Jeep I got a fleet Of what kind of car jeeps the initial order right now it's 50 the order is for 100 we have another

100 okay you only have 26 members you don't even have enough people to drive them i understand i understand but i want to know what kind of vehicle uh well we got a great deal oh we got a great deal on some teslas and so we had a fleet but the main lion's share of them are just you know So to Tesla model 3s that are outfitted with lights and decals. Okay. And then we have about, what do the decals look like? What do the decals look like? The decals sort of kind of make it look like it's like a bit of a cartoon.

Oh. You know, so it's like if it's like, I don't know what you mean. I know it seems pretty whimsical for the whole car. Yeah, there's like a little bit of an outline around it. You know, like there's eyes you could put on the headline. I like that. What's the point of that? You have reindeer antlers on either side of the windows too?

For the winter. In the winter, you could have those that you can apply on the winter. Okay. I don't know that that was necessary. I want to be a full, I want to be a militia that's of the people for the people, by the people, with the people, and the people, all the people, and of the people, and of the people, and to the people. Beside the people. Right.

Alongside the people. Okay. With the people. At the people. I think we've had all the prepositions. What about a long? Along the people. Vicino Al Legente.

What's that? Oh, that's Italian. Okay. Near the people. Forget you grew up in medium Sicily. But we got a couple jeeps. Okay. A couple jeeps.

And we got, we got basically three outfitted SWAT. vans, in case of, you know, large things, you know, a terrorist situation. Oh,

no, why, why are you assuming? Or kajus, if some kajus show up. You know, we will, we will be prepared

probably not to stop the situation, but at least to slow sure the kaiju until another kaiju that's friendly to us can arrive. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, fingers crossed. And you say you got a deal. Who gave you? Would you get this? Where did you go? I get this deal. Hurts. Hurts, really?

They had to offload a bunch of Teslas. Oh, yeah. I get it. I get it. All right. So, can, do you have the, do you live on a big property? Where do you live in town? I live above the, um, the, um, I live above the hardware store.

Oh. Okay. Well, which one? Because on, are you talking about where hardware row is downtown? Yeah, hardware row. Yeah, so you know how hardware row is those row of hardware shops. Yes. Yes.

And then above it. a lot of them have those false ruse. Yeah, like a Disney land. Well, one of the guys a few years back, you know, kind of filled out that false roof. Wow. Okay. And I've kind of been in there.

But where are you? So then you certainly can't be keeping all the vehicles and the weapons up there. That sounds small. I know. I'm putting a lot of money into renting some property off, you know, right outside of town. Oh, okay. Okay. So that's what?

It's just like a field or? And like I said, I've only gotten a few of the trucks and all these things. A couple of the other things are going to be coming later. I've been in touch with this guy who's just got this great hookup who's going to be sending me all of this stuff. And he promised it's going to be here any day now. He says, any day now. Do you have a contract with him? Do you sign anything with him?

Verbal. Oh, dear. We're doing this verbally. I don't like this. You know, I can tell by your face you think there's probably an issue with this. Yes. Well, yes. I do think so.

What kind of stuff are you getting from this? Are you talking about this is who you got the cars from? He's a good, the cars, guy, the guns guy. He's taking care of pretty much all the shipping. Well, that's nice. I mean, yeah, it's super great. That is a deal. Well, he's not paying, sorry, he's not paying for the shipping.

He's just entering the information. Oh, okay. Got it. It's such a tiresome task. I don't want to. I have to fill everything out. He sends me a thing that I fill out and then I mail it back to him. So I'm doing that filling it out.

He's he's organizing it. You know, he's quarterbacking it. Okay. Quarter backing it. Quarter. But here's the thing. I'm not sure. I think you might need to put a pause on this militia because I think a lot has now come to the surface about how you might have been very misunderstood in what you actually were watching.

Also, how many of the things that you've paid for have you received? We have received 10 cars. Just 10. Honestly, more than I was expected. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And they're just on that lot outside of town. They're a lot outside of town.

I haven't been out to check them out yet. Oh, dear. But I've been told that they were dropped off. Oh, no. So you're just taking this person's word for it. Ani, I don't know about this. Oh, I don't know. Do you have, are you married?

Do you have children? Are you alone? Do you live alone? What's your situation personally? The last one. The last one. You live alone. Yeah.

Okay. No kids. No kids. I'm married. I was close once. Very close. Oh, really? What happened?

Very close. Well, she just didn't want to go out on a second date. Oh. So that was very close. Okay. That's as close as you've gotten so far. To being married? A great first day.

It was a great first day. Sure. Oh, dear. What did you do if I would like to know that? I took her to, you heard of, what's it called? It's where you pull in and they take all the old. oil that's in your car. A chiffy loop?

You took her to a chiffy loop. What was the reasoning behind that? Oh, I had a little light on in my car. Oh, well, okay. So did you have a different plan for her, but then that happened, so then you changed me your mind, or did you think, no, those two things lined up kind of at the same

time, and I was like, this is perfect. She's going to love this. But don't tell me that was all you did, and then you dropped her off. Yeah, oh, well, yeah, I'm a gentleman. Okay. So, meaning. I'm going to hook up on the first date. Oh, but. But I mean, did you take her out for food or anything after? Yeah, we had some food in the car while they're doing the...

Oh, no. Don't say it was just like a half-empty bag of chips or something that you found on the ground. Full bag. Full bag of chips. Okay. I stand corrected. I call it a car, a carnic. A carnic.

A carnic? Oh, picnic. A picnic inside your car. All right. I like that. Of course you do, babe. Of course you'll have the idea of a carnick. We'll have to do it sometimes.

Yeah. Well, I think that's the most positive thing that's come out of this so far. Absolutely. Because otherwise. By a long shot, absolutely. I'm worried. Have you, have you, have you, in terms of like the cars arriving, someone told you they were there. Okay, we don't have any confirmation.

We really don't have hard. I'm thinking, I'm thinking this is a scam, I'll be honest. Well, because I'm also asking, what about the volunteers? Have you met any of these people? Did these people just say, yeah, I'll be there through a text or online? Yeah. Well, I'll go on one second, honey. Great question, Joe.

Okay. Thank you. I thought you were saying one second, honey, to me, like that judge who got caught telling the lawyer, honey. One of the greatest things that's ever happened in history. I put that right out there with a del Dazine in terms of wonderful things that happened on planet Earth. Okay. So the question is, you understand the question. Have you met any of this so-called militia in person or confirmed them in person?

Not yet. But, one, my neighbor, my neighbor is in. So it's him. Yeah, the rest are all kind of communicating I mean, now that I think of it, they're all kind of, it's all coming from the same email. Oh, dear. What

email is that? Well, it's I think it's like a Joe It's a Joe. Not Schmo. It's not a Dutchmo address, is it? Yeah, it's a dot Schmoe address.

No. Oh, man. No, those are scams for sure. You're in the schmow in that situation. I think so. I'm really sorry. Oh, no, but why? Because you actually have, have you paid out money to anybody already?

I've borrowed money. Oh, no. But wait, you have like no friends, no family. Who have you borrowed from? I borrowed from a couple guys that I heard about. I would love to hear about. There's nothing concrete in this person's life. Everything is just.

good. These are bad guys. Oh, no. This is terrible. I'm very concerned for you. Oh, I, you know, I mean, I figured a sure thing. I'd set this up. The city would go, oh, great, a police force.

We'll fund you because we don't have one. Well, I mean, first of all. Well, I don't know. I mean, we don't need more. You can argue that, babe, since they're not very effective. I don't think we do. I like to think that I maybe had a hand in reducing the crime rate here. I think he did,

because Burtt would put go bags all over town so that he could have snacks at night while he looked for people who were about to do crime. I would try, it was a preventative measure where I would hide out in a place where I thought a crime was likely to happen. And then the plan was

if somebody started to do a crime, I would jump out and yell, hey. That was it. Okay. Because I think most of the time that's all it takes. Sometimes. People will just scatter.

Maybe you did contribute to it. Well, if I could just speak from my experience as a little. enforcement officer. That's a great idea. Thank you. You mean if at any point the person holding the bag of donuts had said, hey, to you, you might have not shot them?

Because that was the crime you were about to do. I don't know if it works on the police. No, I was stopping a crime. But had I just said, hey, what are you guys doing? I see. You wish you would ask them. Perhaps. Perhaps it would be a different.

I think it wasn't obvious to him that they were just exchanging donuts. Yeah. They weren't exchanging donuts. I think one person was just buying donuts. Yeah, that's true. I guess that's what I meant to say. Oh, you know what I forgot, though, is that this donut shop, it was called cash donuts and the bag did have two large money sides on it.

Oh, no. Okay, I'm a little more sympathetic to you now. Honestly, me too. I'm a little sympathetic to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds good. Yeah, I was thinking it was impossible, but when you mentioned that detail, I think that is important. Especially if you've just heard about a bank robbery.

I get it, I understand. You're in a haze. You're in a haze, yeah, you've got one goal only. Wow. I don't, you know, we say this a lot. We try to help here on the podcast and we say best of luck. And I feel like I need to say more than best of luck. I feel like you maybe need you need protection. You need legal counsel. I don't know. You maybe need to go to a treatment facility for, for money problems. I think he'd change your name and run away. Really? Yeah, does sound good. That's like he's so good extreme. Well, he's indebted to these. I mean, Ani Benani really is recognized. I can't give up my name. It's the only thing I have.

Oh, no. That's so sad. Could you at least change it to Bonnie Anani? Sounds like a girl's name. Oh, boy. If we're going to get hung up on that. Do you want to live or not? Not like that.

I mean, this is the very question. You asked, would you rather lose your job or life over something like that? Oh, wow. Good catch. The angry emoticon. Yeah. yeah you're out of crossroads here honey that is true yeah i mean my mind's been blown here wow to be honest with you guys we get that little bit we've gotten that a lot actually not since

the the guy who was stealing the bikes to teach people a lesson have we had someone kind of sober up in the middle of the interview yeah and and so maybe maybe we have helped maybe this can be a red-letter day for you, a moment where you decide to change, I don't know, either, move out, go someplace new? I would prefer to not know communist stuff, because I'm not into that. Okay, that's not what I meant, but it was just a phrase. It's just a phrase. But I didn't mean, I didn't mean it like that. What does the phrase mean?

You got me there. You know what? I don't know. So point taken. Our minds are all being blown. I don't, I don't know. I only know what it means. I don't know what it means.

Yes, exactly. That's exactly right. Well, Ani, we do wish you the best of luck. I do fear for your safety. I am asking you in the next time that you find yourself in a moment where you think something crazy or something bad or something dangerous is having, I want you to take a minute and I want you to take a breath. I want you to look around and I want you to think before you act is what I, or think before you post. That would be my advice to you. I will try to be more mindful. That's good. And go check on those. test us because I don't think they're there.

Yeah, I don't think so. Okay. But thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. We really do wish you the best of luck. Thank you. Okay. We will return with the neighbor listen when the neighbor listen returns.

Hi, everybody. My name is Beth. I have a vintage Clark Cable Esco statue 1974. It's been marked down from $50 to $30. It's a collectible vintage chalk wear, chalkware, that's two separate words, chalk and the W-A-R-E. Statue of legendary actor Clark Gable, aka Red Butler and Gone with the Windall caps. Very rare, these chocks, these, nope, I'm trying to read my own post so that you all know, but I wrote it very strangely. Very rare, these chalkware statues by Esco are fragile, so there are a fewer of them around now.

This has been part of my movie memorabilia collection for over 50 years, but only now did I realize this looks nothing like Clark Gable. I don't know if it's the chalk. I don't know if it's that ESCO is just a terrible artist. But even if you look at the actual picture of the actual Clark Gable next to this statue, it looks nothing like him. In fact, I think at this point you would only buy it just to invite friends over and have a content. has to see who can guess the closest to what this statue actually looks like because it sure as hell is not Clark Gable. Come get it, please.

Thank you. Wow. Well, I hate it when we definitely don't resolve anything and are certainly left with, you know, I'm a little haunted by him, honestly, because he looked like we really had just changed everything in his brain. Everything that he had come to know all, did today. Yeah, we saw a couple times a look cross over his face that was just abject,

I guess, I don't even know what you would call it, just a terrible realization. Absolutely. I don't know if there's any other way to say it. There's no words that really can describe what his face looked like actually. So I'm glad this was a pop podcast because I didn't want anyone else to see that. I'm glad it was pop podcast because I think, I think, It was a pod cast. Ah. I did. As our old friend,

Ani would put it. Yeah. Boy, I really hope Ani's okay. I hope he's going to be okay. I don't think he's going to be. No, I don't think he's going to be.

I think that he needs to get out of town. I agree. He's borrowed money from nefarious people for nothing. Oh my gosh. He thinks these Teslas are just sitting there. Imagine just taking everyone's word for it. He thinks he's got 20 people and six volunteers signed up for this militia. No.

But also, why would your first thought go to militia? I mean. You know what I mean? I know. Oh, God. Well, babe, I just want to check in with you really quickly. I want to know how you're doing. Any progress in any leads.

Like, what is there a specific conspiracy you're working on right now? Here's a, I don't believe in them no more. Well, I'm sorry. You don't believe in them no more. Did the episode just actually, like, inspire that change? For it also for to alter the way you speak. You're a character. Is this a new, Doug?

You're a character from Huck Finn all of a sudden. I don't believe in him no more. Combo called me during the break. Oh. And we had a misunderstanding. Oh, that's too bad. He said, he said to me last week, he said, your order's behind. What?

It's coming later, and then I heard the orders behind it. Behind it, but did any indication of what it was? I'm sorry. I actually am still confused. What did you order exactly? Yeah, what did you order? Let's start there. New cable package, of course.

Okay. But usually that just means. He's offering a wild new cable package. How is the order behind? What does that mean? A wild new cable package. Please tell me what that means. You're getting sports from Estonia.

Okay. Well, I don't know that. Did you want that? Who wants that? He makes you want it. He is a pretty persuasive guy, yeah. A combo. Yeah, combo.

Combo. So you order some cable for some reason it's running behind. I was going to say, is this actual cable? Because you're actually, nothing arrives. I mean, like a cable, combo should arrive and install it. You need a combo box. Yeah, he needs to install. There's hardware involved.

No, sure. You need a combo box. Of course there is, but usually, like, you know, it's not just supposed to show up at your doorstep, Doesn't someone arrive with it and install it? Like a combo? Yeah, like combo. Combo brings it, but he's saying the order's behind.

But what did you take it to mean? Like a different meaning of orders behind. That the order is behind everything. The order is behind everything. Oh my gosh. Yes, an order meaning like a deep state situation? Well, there is. We do have the order.

What do you mean we have the order? Oh, I can hear his exhaustion in his sigh. I'm sorry, babe. Then I'm making you explain something insane again. In old dignity. They have the order. Oh, you're talking about. those are the same people who have the sick feasts?

They do have the six feasts. I thought it was sick feasts. Are you saying it's six feasts? No, sick feasts. Okay. All right. I did hear six feasts. I don't know that it's better, honestly.

I don't know that it's any better. Italian Christmas. What's the point? Where they're squeezing those stolen oranges over all their duck legs and everything. That's right. They're stolen oranges? Yeah, remember he steal. That's what his conspiracy is they stole from the orangeies.

Oh, they stole from your orangees. That's why he had an orangeery. Well, no, I think that's why he was building one, so they wouldn't steal from it. But they are behind a lot of stuff, but they're pretty transparent with it. So it's not really a conspiracy. Oh, okay. You're talking about the city council? Well.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they call themselves the order anymore. No, certainly not. Okay. Not just Puritan days. Those weren't that long ago when you think about it. They're getting further away all the time.

they're very long ago I think I'm just going to read a post because this is what we're supposed to be doing at this point I will and this is just everything about this is just a little strange this is from Cindy from Old Town so she lives in an old dig

okay looking for an this is not spelled correctly ophthalmologist how is it spelled O-P-H-T-H A. L. She just got that, you don't, you don't need the H. No, that's true.

Ophthalmologist. It's all right. There's some more spelling errors. Doctor, I won't say the last name, was my doctor. But most of you know he went on sabbatical and unknown if he will ever return, which is, that's not a sabbatical. In parentheses, not that I can wait anyways. And parentheses. I saw a doctor at Harvard eye and wasn't trilled. Now, do we think this is someone from the islands? I don't know.

Desperately in search of a new doctor. Any and all recommendations would be appreciated. Now, I have so many things about this. First of all, Harvard I, I do have, I mean, I don't necessarily blame her because Harvard I, not Harvard I, which is what it sounded like I said. Wow, I surprised no one jumped on it. I mean, I was expecting you guys to say something, but I caught it myself. You're just a human being.

Oh, give me a break. Harvard Eye is just, they're real. They pretend they went to Harvard. They did not. Yes. And they are assholes. They are just, I mean, we have a lot of smug doctors here. There's Harvard penance all over the walls.

They haze you when you go there as a client. That's right. They try to induct you into a secret society. They try to get you staffed on The Simpsons. So I don't necessarily. blame her for not being trilled. I don't know what the trilled is all about. But what I want to know is why she can't wait anyways. What is so wrong? Because if something's so wrong, then just go to the urgent care. You know, do I, these people that go on, that come on here onto the neighbor have, you know, with some sort of medical issue that clearly she can't wait for. That's like, how, call someone, call 911 one. Walk into an urgent care. Get help immediately. Yes. I don't understand that. Yeah. You know, and also she kind of sounds like a conspiracy theorist. She thinks that this doctor's on Sabaki. And also, there's no such thing as a sabbatical unknown. For an ophthalmologist?

Yeah, second of all. I thought professors went on sabbatical. I thought so too. Not ophthalmologists. Yes. Also, will forever want to know what the difference is between an ophthalmologist and an optometrist. Is it surgery? Here's...

Usually it's something like, one does surgery, what doesn't? I believe that it is. Okay. And an optometrist test your vision has a lot of the same overlap of knowledge, of course, as an ophthalmologist. But I think an ophthalmologist, but I think an ophthalmologist, really is the surgeon of the eye. And that's the thing.

If she needs an ophthalmologist, then she should definitely, she shouldn't just be waiting around. If she can't wait to find a proper person, then something's really wrong. There's also, there's other doctors at Harvard, you know,

at Harvard I. Ask one of them. There are other doctors. And they practice in other types of medicine, even though it's under Harvard eye. That's true. Under his eye. Under his eye.

That's what it says when you enter. That's right. Because it was supposed to be age, apostrophe S. Oh, so I was right about Harvard. You can almost say that it should be pronounced that way. I didn't make that connection. Oh, sorry.

I will say. I forgot about the H part. I just heard apostrophe A and not. Oh, I was right. Harvard I. It's like that cheese. Have arti. That's a fun one to say.

It's a fun one to eat. Doug, you topped me. It sure is fun to eat. Fun to say and fun to eat. What can you, how many? Foods, can you say that about? Monster. Monster also.

I don't think Munster is fun to eat. I think Munster's gross. I think monster's boring. As is the show. Babe, burnt. A rare babe burnt. A rare babe burnt. Well, hey.

No, no. No. that's it. You go. You go ahead. It's time. I think that's it. I think that's it. Cindy, we can't help you. I think you need to go to an urgent care. Yes, Cindy. How about, I don't know, try Zockock or something. I will say that this is the end of this episode of the Abramination. We thank you for listening. If you would like to hear ad-free versions of the episodes and or gain access to our bonus content, then you can go to CBBWorld.com. and sign up on the Maximus tier,

and that gives you access to that extra stuff. Mm-hmm. And I don't have anything. Oh, and you can follow us on Instagram at Burton Joan. That also means you can follow us on threads. If you know what's going on over there on threads, God love you. Threads is wild. I don't know what's going on either. I'm not quite sure.

You know, you're scrolling Instagram that says, someone's so posted a thread you might like, and then you go look at that and like, I don't know who this is and why this would be interesting to me. Also, I don't know if this is just me, but every time I get a thread, It's like breaking news, urgent, and it's always from two days ago. I'm not falling for it anymore.

I'm not falling for it anymore. I'm not doing it. Good for you, Joe. I'm not clicking. No. Nope. They don't deserve your clicks. They haven't earned them.

That's right. All right. Well, uh, goodbye. And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The neighborhood listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole.

Paul Barker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Colton Dunn. The Neighborhood Listen is the production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to CBBWorld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.