The Netmums Podcast - S1 Ep33: The Scummy Mummies on turning sitting in your sad into sitting on, well, something else

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

Listen as Annie and Wendy get up close and personal with Helena and Ellie. It'll make sense when you do. WARNING: not for fainthearted, easily offended types.

You're listening to Sweat, Snot and Tears, brought to you by Netmums. I'm Annie O'Leary. And I'm Wendy Gollage. And together we talk about all of this week's sweaty, snotty and tearful parenting moments. With guests who are far more interesting than we are. So there's been sweat, there's been snot and there have been tears in the house this morning all over a lost bike helmet. If anyone knows where it is, can they please email the help desk because I'm about to

lose my shit. Wendy, do you know where it is? Dear listeners, Annie has moved house and is living in a building site and I suspect that this is where the lost bike helmet, either that or it's been eaten by one of the pets. I'm slightly worried. They came to collect the skip from the crap house this morning and I'm worried it made its way into the skip in which case we're in big trouble well there's no sweat or snot or tears here because it is the first day in as long as I can remember that there is no other soul in my house can you hear this school school and Tim's gone to the office oh yeah wow best thing for marriage is when they go back to work. Yeah, yeah.

It's too much. It's too much. So, this week, we've got a great guest duo to help us chew the cud. I just hope they're wearing their one-piece lycras. It's only the bloody

scummy mummies. Welcome, Helen and Ellie. Hello. Hello. For those of you who can't see, Helen is wearing the best earrings I've ever seen.

Oh, thank you very much. Yes, I do like a dangly. They're very dangly. Meant to elongate your face. I always wear... I'm not prepared to lose any weight, so to make me look less fat, I just like a very...

It distracts from the double chin. Yeah. Top tips. There we go. She's only been live for two years. I like to wear earrings that look like a pair of boobs i find that distracts men's attention as well if you just have a boob hanging off each ear then they don't elongated boobs then we could be ticking both boxes well then they'd be like real life yes everybody loves a long tip don't they helen oh absolutely i say they're better to flap than to bounce what is it you always say when you're on all fours?

Oh, that's right. My boobs are so long when I go on all fours, I'm actually on all sixes. Yeah. Strong start, ladies. Strong start. And that's the podcast done. That was lovely chatting to you both.

The best description I've ever heard was that it was like two tennis balls in two socks flapping in the breeze yeah nice absolutely before we carry on uh Helen your daughter's been poorly we want to know if she's okay she is alive and well I'd say too alive because she's she's got um a bit lippy now she's you know she's nearly 13 and she's back to a very much healthy state. So yes, she's too well. Yeah, we spent nearly a whole week in hospital. Poor thing couldn't eat. She couldn't hold anything down and they were all very worried.

And then she just got better suddenly. And then we went home. I was like, she was fine as we all are as parents. And I was in a bloody mess for about two weeks afterwards. But yeah, all okay. Thank you for asking. Okay, we're glad to hear that. We're glad to hear that we're glad to

hear that so our first regular question to you first please ellie is any sweat snot or tears in your house this morning oh all day more more bodily fluids than even that to be honest it's been an absolute disaster this morning actually there weren't too many there wasn't too many tears because um we renegotiated the uh the screen time treaty i don't know if you have this in your house we have we have a treaty we renegotiated that last night and it is it's my goodness it's like trying to divide up the former soviet union it's just an absolute nightmare trying to work it all out so um and he got he he made purchase he made some purchase so he so my eldest son is in

quite a good mood this morning and always when there's been like a row and then a resolution he's incredibly well behaved for about 24 hours so it's almost worth having a row then Ellie almost almost it's almost like they know they know how to get you so yeah I remember thinking this morning he's just got himself up and brushed his teeth and washed his face and he's i haven't shouted oh and then i remembered yeah it's because he's uh he's on best behavior so that was all right yeah not too many tears bit of snot i mean there's always snot isn't is there a furnishing in your house that doesn't have snot on it somewhere no i'm waiting for one of those csi crime scene scanners to come in the whole thing just like glow in the dark yes yes and kids ellie they're six and nine and i think now there was definitely snot i just remember if

i've just this morning and my my husband dressed the six-year-old and i said um yeah he's been wearing that jumper for three days now and pete was like oh it'll be fine and i went no it won't because look at the sleeve there's an enormous snot streak up the sleeve can you change him please and sweat uh well we're all perimenopause and aren't we it's just always sweat sweat all day I sleep under a weighted blanket I might as well sleep in a hot tub all right over to you Helen sweaty snotty teary fluids of any other sort I will start with tears so I won't say which child but this week one of my children found out that the big man in red is not real no and yeah why though it was well ladies who in case any children are listening she means kirstama red of course being the color

of the labor indeed uh i've found out the real man and his and his fruit orchard is a farce. One of my children were looking at the Amazon previous orders, like going through for some reason, and then saw the December orders. That's a good lesson to all of us, actually. Clear up your Amazon account because you don't want it. Got it. Oh, yeah. So it was pretty horrific.

And then it was like, and is the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy? Yeah. So I will use that for both tears and snot because we were all a bit of a mess. And I was like, yeah, it sucks. I'm really sorry. And so we had that. And then sweat. Again, Ellie and I, I've been getting into yoga.

I've been doing a bit of yoga and i do jessamine stanley's yoga who's a very very voluptuous woman from america so i've been getting sweaty in my bedroom and as a single lady that's a rare event uh so um yes i've been doing yoga with jessamine in the morning so that's been very nice yes yes i know i've got i've got all this exercise gear but i've also bought and ellie ellie knows me very well i've bought three kettle bells uh during lockdown and are they still in the box ladies yes they're still in the box have you used that spiralizer yet no i have not uh how long have you had that spiralizer oh since june uh so yeah no courgetti and no kettlebell uh but they i mean they're in mint condition but at least they're

ready to go should the mood take you okay so we always like to talk about uh lockdowns and how different parents found them uh how were they for you now i know a rather large curveball landed your side of the net helen in lockdown are we allowed yes yeah of course i've been blabbing about it for just don't stop me blabbing about it yeah two weeks before lockdown happened i got some surprise information from my husband which made us divorced um so um i'm glad you say the chuckle yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, exactly right. So, yeah, I had no idea. And then he had to move out very much immediately.

So I became a single parent and a single lady and a big crying mess in a pair of tracksuit pants for about six months. So that was my lockdown. But I am blessed that it happened before lockdown because I know other people got divorced during lockdown. Yeah, I know. I know some of those, too. And I think that was really tough. And then you'd have been locked down with him. And imagine finding out and then being stuck with him. That would have been even worse. I don't want to know that reality. Thank you very much.

You know, it hasn't been easy, but I've had a lovely time. And now I'm a very, very much a happy family of three. How did you cope? What were your tactics other than buying kettlebells you don't use? Yeah, because you couldn't go anywhere and see anyone and snot on anyone's shoulder, could you? Drink wine on people. Well, Ellie had a lot to do with me not going insane because she is lovely and she'd bring me lasagnas. Someday she bought me some discount doughnuts. a good day wasn't it ellie yeah absolutely

just just bring things basically just i like to express my love of material goods yeah so that was very nice but but yeah i got a really good therapist and one of the things we talk about uh you know when you're going through shit is that is that you have to sit and you're sad and i couldn't get anywhere away from it so i couldn't go out and drink with mates or anything i just had to sit and go oh my god my life has just changed completely um you know and i did quite a bit of drinking quite a bit of smoking quite a bit of crying and i think it was like breakup boot camp because i was just very much getting to grips with the reality of the situation and I think um yeah but also I had I live on a cul-de-sac and I've got lots of lovely neighbors

and so even though we're two meters apart I still had community around so yeah so it was great and now I'm I could not be happier I am like the happiest single woman well I know I follow you on Instagram and I look forward to seeing your little smiling face peeping out of a square every day seeing what you're up to because you always look so happy yeah I am most of the time I am I'm probably quite annoying now I just want to like run up and down the street going I'm 42 and I'm single yay um so yeah but you know there's there's hard boots and you know um all that sort of stuff. But I never knew I would be this happy. And I was really scared about becoming a single parent. I found that I thought, oh, my God, I could never do it.

And now I can. And it's better. It's better than I ever imagined. That's very inspiring. We actually, we had Rosie Green on who went through a similar issue. But hers was kind of stretched out over a longer period on the pod and it's proved to be one of our most successful episodes because she didn't just survive she thrived as well when is this podcast going out by the way just looking i've got so many tabs

i've got it here i've got it here uh yeah the 11th funnily enough i can say it ellie do you yeah yeah fine yeah anyway so sorry sorry Russ the editor sorry yes and I've written a book about it called Get Divorced Be Happy

god you wrote that bloody quickly yeah you didn't hang about I wrote I wrote a book about divorce while getting divorced and I did it in three

months and it's out in July anyway that's enough well I'm going to come back to you then on that because I want to find

out about Ellie's lockdown and then I want your top three tips on getting divorced and being happy, please. So you can go and have a think. Ellie, lockdown. All right, I'll write it down in a book. What lockdown? Don't believe in it.

It's all government conspiracy. I went to Tenerife, Centre Parcs, had a massive party and I renewed my vows at an enormous ceremony. No, not really. Yeah, lockdown pretty... I've no excitingows at an enormous ceremony. No, not really. Yeah, it looked damn pretty. I've no exciting story, to be honest. Just, you know, just I stayed in.

That's the end. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Italiano, si, si. Ah, mon amici. Ah, gratia, bella, si, ah, oh. I started learning Italian like a tussle. And how's it going? bene grazie you're one of those people

you're one of those people who actually did what we all said we'd do I just got a slightly larger alcohol habit and got fat you actually learned Italian

I'm an overachiever I got fat became an alcoholic and learned Italian that's the kind of thing Martha Grussell an overachiever i got fat became an alcoholic and learned italian that's well helen and i have talked about this before but basically um we're into this thing um brené brown the researcher love bit of brené she has this theory about over over functioners and is it under functioning and over functions yes

you know well so and Helen and I I think are both sides of that coin so and obviously Helen had extenuating circumstances so when the lockdown happened she kind of pulled the pulled the duvet up and I kind of threw it off took off all my clothes and started running around the garden metaphorically speaking and that was my way of coping to do stupid things like learning Italian and I also started like a video games Instagram and i started doing twitch and all this sort of crackers stuff to kind of just like you know use all this energy i had um somewhere else um and that's been really good but i think i'm i think i'm reaching a balance now it's been a year and i'm sort of calming down now and going all right we don't have to necessarily do all the things all of the time

we can just relax and chill out a bit and get back to a sort of equilibrium so that's been nice so is that how it works in the dynamic between you two then is it you who says come on let's go and do a tour come on let's write a book and Helen goes oh god all right come on no often often it's the opposite because Helen can be quite quite more optimistic so like she'll be she was it was her idea it was my idea to the podcast but it's her idea to do the the show and I was a bit like oh it sounds hard and I don't know if it'll work um we're both lazy in different ways my thing will often be that's the secret to a happy relationship I think lazy in different genres yes yes yeah but I think exactly that's why we've achieved what we have, because we can both be a bit like, oh, I don't want to do that.

Or, you know, I'm being lazy today, but then the other one will make it work. So it just sort of goes like that and some sort of ends up ends up there. But I think that's what's laudable about the two of you is that you managed to juggle the kind of not very ha ha moments of life and talk about them with honesty while still being bloody hilarious. So in one of your early pod episodes, Ellie, you talked about your traumatic birth. Are you happy kind of zigzagging that line between the two? Is that where you think your strength lies? Yeah, I think so because, yeah, as you say,

so I had my youngest son, Joe, who's six now and absolutely fine. He was born nine weeks early, totally unexpectedly. Nobody had never had a premature baby before. Didn't expect it. It was a big shock and he was very, very poorly. And it nearly went very badly wrong is a euphemistic way to say it. And so that was bad. But yes, we did a podcast about it because we wanted to tell people what was going on. But also one of our sayings is if you don't laugh, you'll cry. Isn't that right, Helen? Yeah, that's what my mum taught me. And I'm one of five children. And I reckon she would be tiptoeing between laughing and crying through the whole day having five kids.

I think it's really important to say the hard things and i think you know i've come from australia ellie's british and like our culture's not really good at sitting in sad and hard conversations and and i think it's it is really good to have that balance between you know being really vulnerable you know again brené brown kind of saying but um and open because then then as soon as i share a story is shared then then it sort of lifts everyone else that they feel like they can share their story or they might even just feel normal from you saying those sort of things and the more conversations we have that because that's the hardest thing people always say i don't know what to say and and then they

don't say anything and then people are lonely. So I think that's really good. And also we're just absolute tarts for attention. And, you know, we've had some really, really serious topics and I think it is really good that Ellie and I now have known each other for eight years and we know we're allowed to be sad. We've both cried during the podcast but we also know when to kind of switch it off and and and it's and the joke's always on us like we're not taking the I mean sometimes we take the piss out of the guests

but but also you know I get confused very easily very naive and I'm really happy to say that and ask stupid questions as well I think it's something we've noticed recording this pod as well a lot of the guests that we've had on are much more open about the struggles of mainly motherhood than perhaps even when Annie mine and Annie's eldest child they're both nine and actually even nine years ago I don't think people were as honest especially about the postpartum six weeks or so I think that is partly to do with the emergence of technology platforms as well though because yeah my eldest son is is nine um and Helen and I met when he was I think a year it was a year and a half or something like that so yeah and we met and one

of the reasons we did start the podcast was because there wasn't that I I'm quite techy and I listened to podcasts and I couldn't find a parenting podcast that wasn't serious or earnest, wasn't American, wasn't like which car seat to buy and what's your favourite wet wipe, you know. And that's kind of there was definitely a gap in the market. I didn't we didn't start it from that sort of cynical perspective. It was more like there's nothing like us for us out there. Let's just make something and see what happens. And luckily for us, that was very prescient of me well done me um so that worked out but also there was no there was no instagram and i think that has been

a big game changer as well so now we have these two mediums that we didn't have really 10 years ago um that people have used as an outlet for honesty and it is different to facebook because it's not so connected with your friends and your family and your personal network and it is different to YouTube because that's a lot of effort and you're not interacting in the same way but I think one of the reasons that the world has responded so enthusiastically to YouTube is that you've almost become the antidote to Instagram like Instagram has the potential to be quite serious and navel-gazy and, oh, I'm only going to show the lovely bits of my house and my legs. Do you know what I mean?

Whereas you guys have managed to take it and run with it and make it about something else. How does it feel to have almost have saved the mental health of the nation's parents? Are you aware of how beloved you are? Oh, that's a really lovely thing to say we we are very overwhelmed with the the messages and the emails that we get from our followers and also when we do live shows like we might you know do a theater with 400 500 women and we'll do a meet and greet afterwards and women come up to us and hug us and cry and say thank you and that's that's lovely wonderful for my ego ellie isn't it i mean i once had a lady who wanted to slap me on the bottom, but we do have some boundaries.

It's the cat suits, that's why. Basically, everyone sees a lot of your bottom. Yeah, and I think she'd had quite a lot of, you know, Prosecco and she wanted a little bit of my juice. But, yeah, so anyway. But, yeah, sorry, Ellie, you were going to say. No, no, it's just lovely it's really nice for your ego especially what always happens to me is they always come up to

me and they grab me and they whisper in my ear and they say oh you're my favorite and that really that happens maybe 30 or 40 times in the night sure you know yeah it happens to me a lot when i'm out with wendy as well no it is it's lovely. And again, you know, Ellie and I didn't set out to do that. Like it wasn't, everything we've done has just sort of evolved quite naturally and quite organically.

You know, even though we were podcast pioneers, we invented podcasting basically. Oh, obviously. But I also like the community in which we have become part of in terms of all the other mum bloggers and things

like that and they've also become friends because like half the time we're like we don't know what the hell we're doing or what we're posting I'm like oh my god and so I think I think that kind of naivety in a way has been has been helpful because I'm like I'm not strategic about what I post or anything I just kind of go you know what the hell's happening today but you guys were front and center of fish finger gates as well weren't you for those of our listeners who don't know what fish finger gate is could one of you please share the joyous story so basically a few years ago the daily mail ran an article slagging off uh me and Helen and also a lot of other instamums some of our friends like was it Steph Don't Buy Her Flowers?

Yeah. Clemmie Telford. And Mumsy Mum. Star Me Sunday. So, yes, we were in this article by this woman, I think it was, saying, oh, look at these Instamums and who do they think they are and it's terrible. And look at Helen and Ellie who joke about giving their children

frozen fish fingers. The key word for me being joke we do joke about it because it's a joke don't know if you know how jokes work they're not always completely based in facts that's what a joke is uh everyone just to catch you up there so yes and yeah and gin i don't even like gin anyway um and uh there was this big backlash we thought the article was hilarious there was a big backlash and there was um all these women across the country that day started posting saying look i give my kids fish fingers and i'm not ashamed of it and the hashtag solidarity with the tea became a thing uh anyway long story short we ended up with a lucrative advertising deal with bird's

eye so and then we had a book launch party an anniversary party and the actual captain bird's eye so and then we had a book launch party an anniversary party and the actual captain bird's eye flew over from italy he's an italian actor he flew over to attend the party and embraced me in a way i enjoyed well that might lead me on to the next question because i was going to say who have been your favorite guests on your podcast and who would be the dream guest is it captain bird's eye well it doesn't speak very good english okay but with your new Italian Ellie is this why you've picked up Italian oh I think we've got a big breaking news story Ellie's running off with captain bird's eye we're going to Rome when in Rome that's it. Putting the finger in fish finger. Anyway, I always like to, when I'm on someone else's podcast,

at least one point, make them literally put their head in their hands. And I've achieved that with you, Wendy, there. So thank you, my work here is done. That'll be £500, please. What is fish finger in Italian, Ellie? They do have them. We have talked about them. It would be dita is finger.

Dita di pesca. Finger of the fish. It sounds very exotic in uh i don't think i wanted to eat one that's probably that's probably not the real name because often when there's a name in english i'll ask her what it is in italian my teacher jamila and she'll say oh you just say it in an italian accent for example uh because my kids are into marvel we were talking about Marvel Spider-Man is Spider-Man Spider-Man or Thor is Thor

gorgeous and I was like you're just making it up you're making it up yeah Thor oh absolutely Thor and Captain Birdseye one on each end

yes please oh that's a nice fish finger sandwich get back to the Tartar sauce quite natural caught that now who's been our favorite guest helen oh so many i mean like anything you have different guests for different reasons um like children yes exactly right look i would say steph steph don't buy her flowers oh we love steph step's the best. She is excellent. But, you know, for meatiness, I adore Philippa Perry.

We had a great episode with her. And, you know, we've got regulars called Miserable Steve Hill and Nurse Jessie. And every Christmas we have them like family. So, you know, because it's been going for eight years, we've had over 200 guests. So it is really hard to kind of. But who's the dream? Who haven't you had who do you want brene oprah oprah she's on our list as well i must say though i've interviewed oprah oh what were you working in a call center how did you manage that yeah british gasp no um she was promoting a film that she had produced in the UK

about two years ago. And I randomly got an email saying, you've got eight minutes, eight, only eight. And you have to come to... No, they said, we'll let you know the location of the day. It's top secret. Like they treated her like she was like the president or something. She is like, she's better than the president.

She's much better than the president. And I went and I got taken to to this is how serious it was they'd hidden the numbers of the buttons in the lift so someone in the lift was manning the lift and pressed the button i didn't know what floor i was getting taken to wow and i got kind of ushered down these corridors and then into this very dark room and there sat under a light was the Oprah. And I must say, this is really embarrassing, but the overwhelming thought I had was, oh, my God, her boobs are massive. They are wonderful.

So while we were talking, all I was thinking was, don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs. Brilliant. Listen, my husband has that tattooed on his left hand. You're not alone. That's amazing. She's very, very tiny, like up to my shoulder. And she has a very impressive bust.

She was a really brilliant person to interview because she kind of knew what I wanted to get out of it. And so she made sure she answered the questions, giving me as many little nuggets as she could. Like she felt like she was giving me a gift she was great wow she's an absolute angel

isn't she yeah and then my eight minutes were up and that was the end of it and your life has changed forever always

oh who else RuPaul I would adore I'd like Nigella I'd love Nigella I really would I think she's amazing I'd have a she's got lovely bosoms as well no I couldn'd like Nigella I'd love Nigella I really would I think she's amazing

I'd have a she's got lovely bosoms as well bold choice no I couldn't have Nigella I'd have a fight with her why would you do you not like her

no no no Gella her fake voluptuousness I listen I will not stop you remind me on this podcast

and I turn up in good faith in my own house and you speak ill of Nigella Lawson? I shan't hear a word against her. Otherwise she'll never come on the podcast. Bye. Wendy, you're never mean about anyone.

What's wrong with you today? I don't know. I'm just not really a fan. Okay, we'll pick this up later, okay? She's backtracking now. She's backtracking now she's backtracking yeah we'll fight you

for the first interview UK podcast with Megan and Harry how's that oh I couldn't give a toss honestly girl you're welcome you're welcome to

I adore the royals as a good Australian I do as well Helen I do as well yeah you're outnumbered Ellie we love a royal okay anyway I've got to go

because I've realised you're simpletons absolute simpletons so sorry quick ask him another question before she goes okay so the other thing I want to know is do you prefer scummy mummy stand up or scummy mummy pod I love being on stage with Ellie and I mean there is nothing more delicious than standing in the wings and hearing hundreds of women excited to see you. That is, whoa! That's orgasmic. But wait, is it always women who come?

Or do you, I would have assumed you had a rather large male following as well. We always have a few blokes, yeah, turn up. And we do have male listeners. We had an email just the other day from a nice man saying, oh, I like your podcast and all that. So, yeah, we definitely have male listeners. We had an email just the other day from a nice man saying, oh, I like your podcast and all that. So, yeah, we definitely have some blokes. Yeah, I don't know. It is mostly women, but I think that's all right.

Do you know what I mean? It's like we've been told before that our stuff is niche, which I genuinely find offensive because I don't think Match of the Day is niche or it's not called niche. No, that is what it is. But it's mostly, not all, but mostly men who enjoy Match of the Day or Top Gear or's not called niche but it's mostly not all but mostly men who enjoy match day or top gear or any of that dreadful shit so um yeah yeah i think i think you know even though we started off doing the podcast and the podcast has been going every fortnight for

eight years getting out on stage is pretty amazing and i love that people have made time to come out and see us and brought their mates and when when you do a joke that lands well and you see women looking at each other going, yeah, that's me, that feels pretty exciting. And, yeah, and I get to wear a booby cat suit on stage for money. I mean, I win. That's a great life. Yeah. Exactly.

What about you, Ellie? Ellie has edited every single podcast and and has been you know the tech wizard through the whole thing and i just turn up and say stupid stuff and she has to edit out half of the things but um yeah funny enough i was thinking just this morning so at the moment i won't go into it because it's boring and it'll sound weird but i'm playing a lot of video games at the moment on the internet on twitch and i've been playing this one that's about vikings for 93 hours now and i was thinking god that's a long time what else have's about vikings for 93 hours now and i was thinking god that's a long time what else have i done in my life for 93 hours because i was thinking i could

have given birth seven times in that in that time um and i was thinking well we've done over 200 episodes of the podcast so i spent over 600 hours editing that that's that's a life's work that is an awful amount of time listening to your mate's voice I definitely have heard her voice longer than I've heard my husband's in my life but I don't mind that she's very interesting and funny whereas he's anyway it's a story of another time so um so I do I don't like the editing but I really I do like the podcast because it we it's just fun I like meeting new people and I like meeting interesting people and I like doing bants with funny people um and I don't have to leave my house because we record them here and I'm incredibly lazy so that's a real bonus for me

that's a real plus how much of it oh go on I was just going to say the most delicious thing was that Dr Ranj came to Ellie's house and I think we we drank about three bottles of champagne and just spoke filth for about two hours and then he just disappeared off into the night and that was one of the best nights of my life. We didn't take the tactic of plying him with alcohol. Yeah, no, you have to get him drunk. Then he'll tell you and show you anything. OK, Dr. Rand, you're invited back.

I'm going to go shopping. Now, ladies, how do you want to be remembered by your kids? And I was actually going to preface that with what do they think you are now do they have an understanding of what mummy does for a living and what she's all about yeah I get a lot of eye rolling now from my nearly teenage daughter because I won't let her on social media just yet but I do show her posts because I think that's that's important we discuss it and she's like oh my god put your clothes on oh that's disgusting why would anyone want to see you in

your bikini I'm like it's feminism it's body positivity she's like oh gross um yeah yeah I know Ellie's the same she's like what do you call me again Ellie Rita's wife yeah oh put your clothes on Helen Helen, your big slag. No, but I think because I try and explain to them about, you know, what we do in terms of, you know, making mums feel better and creating things. And also I said, you know, me dicking about my cat pays for your shoes, sweetheart.

You know, Ellie and I have both worked very, very hard and we're doing very well and, you know, writing books and all those sort of things. So, yeah think they they they are really proud of us as well because they they know how hard we work and and also we're we're doing a job that we love that makes us happy and it makes other people happy so i think that's pretty good you know i mean we're not fucking doctors but we're i mean i hope to find the doctor well i was about to say it depends where the apostrophe is in there really doesn't it yeah I must check my tinder hang on

come on then how do you want to be remembered by your kids Ellie yeah no my kids again mine are quite young they're nine and six so they don't really have they don't have Instagram or anything like that they're not very interested they're not very bothered that may change uh i hope it doesn't um but at the moment they're just like yeah fine you've got a weird job don't know

whatever but um so how would i like to be remembered um maybe i would hope as someone who who did things do you know what i mean who had ideas and saw them through and and built something what I'm one of the things I'm most proud of really is that Helen and I without setting out to do it we've ended up building an actual business coming on this is a business now and um we we run our own business and we're our own boss and that was not really a goal I I had growing up or in my 20s I never kind of thought I had a really nice job with a really nice company and I was really happy and I never kind of thought oh I just I hate all this I want to set up my own thing and have a hustle and all that it just sort of happened organically um and I'm I'm very proud of that we've achieved that almost accidentally all the best things

happen by accident um from some pregnancies yeah not mine hasten to add planned just in case my children are listening in 2025 yeah okay so then from from uh one side of the coin to the other we also always like to know uh what's for tea tonight in each of your households and who's cooking aaron i would be completely honest to say our nanny Inga is cooking tonight. And I will also be honest to say, because Inga, people always think she's from Stockholm and she must be seven foot tall and blonde. She's from down the road, mate. She went to the same school as me.

She talks like me. So I'm just like the name Inga. So Inga is cooking. My husband went to the shops and bought some chipolatas. So tonight my nanny will be preparing my husband's sausage. Cha-ching. I don't know what, I think I'm getting Deliveroo. I've got a friend I'm meeting up with, a lovely friend who's an artist,

and we're going to catch up. We were going to go to my brother's restaurant, but that was cancelled, so I think we might just get Deliveroo and drink on the hill. Right, it's been cancelled during the recording. No, no, no. My date tonight with, you know, you know my friend, Ellie.

The artist one. I like the artist one, yeah. Yeah, I like the artist one too. Wait, wait, wait. Back up the truck. Back up the truck. I'm getting a sense here that Ellie helps vet

some of your dating partners. Friends? Possibly, maybe. No, she's just very tolerant. I mean, I hope you won't mind me saying this, Helen. Perhaps I can cut it out if you do. But, you know, Helen was with her previous first husband, let's call him, her first husband,

since you were like 20, weren't you? So you're having a renaissance. Yeah, that's a nice way of putting what I'm doing at the moment. We're rediscovering your time. Yes, many of us had an explorative time at university or in our 20s and helen is is is you know she's much like a let's say a potholer exploring new crevices i think that's a lovely visual to put into is that all right hel Helen do you mind that yeah that is that is and and the thing is I've decided to have no um boundaries yes I can see now in my head it's wearing a head torch going out on dates with a head known lovingly in my friendship circle is a dick head torch yeah so I've had dates with people who are 50 i'm 42 i've had dates with people who are 50 29 31

37 um and i'm just sort of interested in sort of who who i can oh this is gonna go really wrong she has a bingo card with all the numbers all the ages between 18 and 79 and she's just crossing them off one by one do you have to keep notes though are you dating them all at the same time do you have to keep notes so you don't mess up whose name is who and who's likes what done where and i've i've two nights a week um uh now that you know we're allowed to go out and about so um yeah i don't have any crossovers or anything like that. Like, it's one guy a go at a night. Single mums out there, this is the way to move forward. Isn't it?

Sit in your sad and then go hell for leather. That's what we say. Sit on someone else. I was going to say, sit in your sad and then sit on a face. That's what we say that's what we say sit on someone else I was going to say sit in your sad and then sit on her face that's what we say and back to the podcast I think that needs to be the title of Helen's next book

sit in my sad or sit on my face yeah there we go it's a bestseller I'll go back to Penguin on that one yeah annie you can ask our very last question because you always ask it better than me oh god do i and because you invented it so right so it's up to you whether you do this together or separately but we heard that before

yeah finish yourself yeah i started to sound like helen on a free night now um we like to invite our guests to pretend that they are putting wendy and i to bed and we ask them to share with us and sing to us their family lullaby so when the kids can't sleep what is it that you sing to them and please would you sing it to us i sing to my son and i pat his head you are my sunshine do you want me to sing it yes please okay you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray that'll do that was lovely follow follow that Ellie well I think actually I don't know if you you'd have heard it

but so My Heritage is Scottish and Irish so it's an old Gaelic folk song and it's special to our family so you probably won't have heard of it

you might not but it's a lovely it's lovely someone likes to share it with you now and it goes I believe the children are our future

teach them well and let them lead the way I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride. Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be the end beautiful

welcome you're welcome yeah so as I say it's a classic Gaelic yeah I think they performed a version of it in Riverdance

but it's not very well known it's a thing of beauty well I hope that Scummy Mummy's the album is the next going to be the next string to you do you

no in all honesty Well, I hope that Scummy Mummy's the album is the next, going to be the next string to go. Do you? No. In all honesty. Colab with Stips. Yeah. Well, thanks, guys. That was amazing. Oh, thank you so much for having us. Thank you.

Enjoy your date tonight, Helen. Oh, yeah. Helen, can you email us and let us know how you get off? Oh, I will. He's lovely. He's a regular. You should do, like, strictly scorecards out of ten for each one. Yeah, that could be a new thing on your Insta feed.

Yeah. Oh, I still want to have sex, you know, and if I start scoring men publicly, I'll get less, you know, cock. So I just, maybe later. But that is an idea. We have actually, we've got to write a new show soon, and that was an idea. It's in the ideas folder, Helen.

Helen Thorne's Dick Advisor, where we just rate them out of five circles, five foreskins. Don't know. Haven't decided the mechanics yet. But it's going to be a big hit, guys. It's going to be huge. Okay.

Well, on that note, we can't wait. We're better to leave a podcast. We'll be there. What a pleasure, ladies. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you. Love you guys.