The Netmums Podcast - S1 Ep54: Lucy Beaumont on why power ballads are the perfect lullaby

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

Listen as Wendy and Annie grill Lucy Beaumont, comedy star of ‘Meet The Richardsons’ and author of new book ‘Drinking Custard: Diary of a Confused Mum’ (Monoray), on why she hides in the bushes outside her daughter’s school and why there definitely won’t be another baby Richardson. Warning: so funny, even the strongest pelvic floors will be tested. Sponsored by Clairol: Get Feel Good Colour with Clairol Natural Instincts. The natural choice for rich colour and brilliant shine - with no ammonia or harsh scent - that is kinder on your hair. It’ll make you and your hair glow with radiant shine.

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It lasts for 28 washes apparently no way you can tell me more about it later now on with the podcast you're listening to sweat snot and tears brought to you by netmums I'm Annie O'Leary and I'm Wendy Gollage and together we talk about all of this week's sweaty snotty and tearful parenting moments with guests who are far more interesting than we are welcome to another episode of of Sweat, Snot and Tears. I hope all bodily fluids are missing from your life today. I'm in the office and it feels trey weird. Like, nice weird because I've got a frock on

and I don't have to listen to my husband eating crisps while I do my work or find my daughter's Veruca sock between meetings. But also a bit sad weird wind because there's no one really else here from my team why aren't you here with me oh sorry um I'm not here because we have to go and look at a secondary school that's a really big kid thing to do that's a really big kid thing to do so the logistics of getting into London and getting back in time to take a 10 year old to a secondary school were not feasible. So I am not there. I'm sorry. And is this one you want her to go to or one that you're going to wave in front of her face and then get over it?

It was horrible, wasn't it? This is the one we want her to go to. So I'm going to be on Operation PR the school tonight. Well, interesting insight into this. So I had a cup of tea with a mum friend the other day and she was going to look at school and she said, but obviously we don't want him to go to it, so we'll just accidentally leave it off the form, pretend we applied, and he'll just think that he never got the one that he wanted.

I was like, that's a really... I know, I'm not going to name any names, I'm not going to tell you who she is, but don't you think that's quite a harsh thing to do? I really hope she's not listening to this. Quick, introduce the guest. Quick, quick, quick. Well, let's ask that question of today's guest. We've got a comedian, writer and actress all in one person.

And also author of a new book, the brilliantly titled Drinking Custard, Diary of a Confused Mum. Lucy Beaumont, welcome to Sweat, Snot and Tears. How confused are you feeling today on a scale of one to ten? I think I'm about eight. I'm normally around eight anywhere my whole life. So a feeling we can empathise with. A feeling we can empathise with. A kindred soul. So any sweaty, snotty or teary moments in the beaumont house this morning lucy uh yeah definitely snotty and and a bit and a bit teary she's she's she's just completed

well so this will be her her second week of yeah second week at school so she she hated it to start with and it was traumatic. It was more traumatic for me. I couldn't settle. I had to go back to school and look through the window. Check she was all right without anyone seeing me. And I think she's... That's hilarious.

And I think she's sort of enjoying it now, but she wants to carry on making me feel bad. When you looked through the window, did she look all right or did she still look teary and sniffly? I couldn't actually see her. So you actually could get done for staring at other people's kids through the window? I think they moved classrooms

because I didn't recognise any of the children. They knew you were coming. They hid her away. Yeah, but my mum did the same and it was only when I got home I thought oh my god I've done it my mum always said that I'd do that and I never believed her but my first week at school she she hid behind a bush when it was dinner time just to look at me in the canteen this is amazing like did you see her or did someone tell you that your mum's hiding a group of children came up to inform me that she was in a bush brilliant just what you need on your first

day at school isn't it i know oh i love it so has she started to realize this is for good yet or is she still thinks she's only got to go for a week or so and then she has done that thing you know where you say no it's it's more you this isn't a holiday this is a weekend and you go back again she doesn't get it yet I'm glad she doesn't quite because I said this is this is what you'll do till you're 16 and I don't think she can I'm close to just homeschooling her to be honest it just feels such a long time it's mad isn't it I definitely because my mum used to keep me off school which is why I've got bad grammar and still bad at telling the time I think keep you off for what well she used to say oh don't go today stay with me and we used to just we used to actually go to a betting shop

there was a cafe in a betting shop on Hesel Road and we used to go I mean they did amazing chips and gravy which I suppose you would expect when we used to go there a lot. So are you good at mornings as a mum or are you more like me and it's a bit haphazard I mean we've just got we've got one child and I don't try to make her I don't try to make her do anything herself so she doesn't even notice that she's got ready so she she watches tv and I get her ready and she and then she's just ready and I brush her teeth for her and I feed her breakfast and I find that that's working, not to ask her to do anything. But Lucy, I hate to break it to you,

when she's 12 you're not going to be able to do this anymore. No, no, I know, yeah. But at the moment, at the moment, so she's sort of, she doesn't even realise that she's like in her school uniform walking out the door because it's all happened quite smoothly. Maybe this is the tactic. Well, also, I'm thinking if someone could do that for me, I would be much happier starting the day. I think I might need to speak to my husband about this.

I can tell you, knowing your husband right now, that the answer to that is going to be a big fat no but see when you've got if if another baby beau mont comes along lucy you'll be scuppered because there'll be no way that you can be secretly dressing her and her not knowing you'll be like put your bloody shoes on oh yeah but there's not going to be any more the next one's going to be fairy and it's sensible yeah yeah it's gonna have a collar and a lead i think that's the most sensible choice we love our child and we we we adore it but we um i don't think we're cut out for this we're just a bit neurotic and a bit unorganized and i don't i love the idea i love especially when sometimes my daughter gravitate to part of us than me and i think oh i'd like to have another

one to see if the other one loves me more and then i can play and then it'll be equal it's a dangerous experiment to take part in, though. But I just, I don't think logistically it's going to work. I think we'll just stick with the one. So, mornings so far are all right. They are. But, I mean, I understand how it is for most parents. I mean, most parents are literally tearing their hair out, aren't they? Oh, yeah.

Hilariously, the other other day I was walking back from school after drop-off and I walked past the dad of the triplets there's three triplets in closed class there's seven and the triplets all looked pretty upset and he looked so angry I thought like smoke was going to start coming out of his nose and I could just hear him saying when I say get ready in future that means means get ready. None of this wondering about, not listening to anything anyone's saying. I was like, oh, he's had a morning of it. I'm really pleased you just told us there were three triplets there, Annie. Thanks.

Sorry, I just like to make things clear. I just like to make it clear for everyone. So, Lucy, why a book about being a mum? You're more known for talking about Hull, really, than parenthood. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I do talk about Hull in the book. Don't stop talking about Hull, by the way. We like it.

Well, it was lockdown and I had an idea for a little adult funny book, a small pocket book about an invisible frog and the yeah yeah that the frog like had a voice bit like Les Dawson and it was a mum on the verge of, well, alcoholism, really. And the frog sort of kept to go in. And I approached a publisher with it and he said no. Really? Yeah, he said. That's surprising, Lucy. Yeah, but he said it in a really nice way.

And he said, why don't you write a proper book about parenting? And he said, you could put your weird little story in it if you want and I said all right and I thought wow gosh no one else has had this idea it's lockdown why not write a book you know to pass the time away and then I have realized how everybody has done the same thing. But I absolutely loved it. And it did really keep me going through lockdown. I'd kept a diary about being a mum. And I thought it'd be lovely to share this.

And I did an Edinburgh show again about being a mum. And I really wanted to put the two together because I felt there was so many anecdotes and stories that were funny but when I started writing it I think because I wrote it on a night um I was just very honest I think there's something about writing on an evening um after my daughter was in bed and I found actually that it was almost like therapy because I didn't try to make the birth for I didn't try to make everything funny the birth it was good for me to just say exactly how I felt and and yeah

and so I felt I was just being quite honest and I didn't I didn't know who would read it if it would be just a book for parenting or if other people had found it interesting, but I just tried to be honest, really. So sometimes I think it is funny and sometimes, yeah, I think sometimes I am more honest. Yes, I love the form. I didn't know if I'd take to it, to be honest, and it's made me want to carry on writing books. I'd like to write a novel next and you know fiction is the fog

gonna be in the novel please tell me so yes I think so well she's now moved to Crete the woman in it and she's living with someone a younger man that she's met and they've opened up a bag about so I don't know if maybe I could continue. I mean, I think, yeah, I don't know. It was maybe something to do with lockdown, maybe. My mental state. Maybe a little bit mad, yeah. Yeah. It's the fact it sounded like Les Dawson.

That's just superb. I once, do you know, as a child, I really had a thing. I hated Les Dawson. That's just superb. I once, do you know, as a child, I really had a thing. I hated Les Dawson. He totally freaked me out as a kid. Because of his rubbery face? Yeah, my nan, God lover, loved Les Dawson. And once we were in a chip shop in Bath and Les Dawson was in the chip shop in Bath. And my nan was all like, oh, it's Les Dawson, would you go up and speak to him?

And I apparently, in my slightly gobshitey way, said, I hate him, I'm not going to see him. And he heard me. So poor Les Dawson. And what did he say? I don't know, I was six, I don't remember, but I offended Les um I offended why was he in a chip shop in Bath well I don't know I refused to go and talk to him so I couldn't ask him that's gonna bother me I'm gonna be googling that tonight why was Les Dawson in the chip shop in Bath in 1986 he was just eating some chips wow he's quite happy maybe that could work its way into your book, Lucy, because burger bar, chip shop, similar.

Best Dawson, fog. Right, there we go. The frog opens up a chip shop. Yeah. Let's move away from the fog, Annie. Away from the fog. Okay, so the next thing I want to know is, right, why do you work so much with your husband?

So people might have heard of your husband. It's John Richardson. Why and how do you do it without killing each other oh no we do kill each other we um sometimes it's better because we argue on screen so we cannot be bothered to argue when we get home and it's and we're getting paid to argue and sometimes it's quite nice because we're airing our dirty laundry, but getting paid for it. I mean, if we weren't getting paid for it, obviously we wouldn't do it.

We're not working with each other for the love of it. Do you know? Let's put it that way. There's an incentive. It's lucrative, yeah, to work together. Okay, well, thank you for honestly answering that question i love it now back to coloring my hair again i'm thinking about going darker what do you think wend and doing it myself with clarel natural instincts all i need to do is to decide which of the 18

shades to pick totally agree spending hours in a hairdresser would be lovely but it just never seems to happen exactly which is why i'm loving the sound of Clairol Natural Instincts. Their semi-permanent conditioning colour promises to give me shiny, swooshy hair in just 20 minutes. And it contains coconut oil and it contains aloe vera, so it feels very treat-like and it even works on my crazy curly hair. Exactly. No roots, just shininess and general fabulousness. What's not to love? Consider it a hair win now Now, on with the podcast. So as a mum, I certainly know as a mum that it's my other mum friends

who keep me sane and feed me wine when I need it. Do you have a kind of go-to support gang of other parents, you and John, or is it kind of school friends? Who props you up when you want to kill someone yeah i think we have um i'm just starting to make school fret you know friends and and i can already tell their love you know they're they're nice but i think we still gravitate to our old friends most of whom have had children and around the same age if you know what i mean so yeah that that's who we that's who we go to and mostly it's quite good

because they like just tell us to lighten up they're just a lot more relaxed so that it's good to be around them i think we we we treat it with kick gloves and we worry about everything and we try to over-convince it. Because usually in a relationship, there's one person who's a bit more chilled out, isn't there, and chills the other one out. But we're not. We're both highly strong.

Oh, no. So we do lean on our friends. And is Elsie as highly strong as you two? Yeah. Great. Oh, yeah, no, totally. Oh, I'm looking forward to the teenage years. This is going to be hysterical.

I know, she's not going to live with us. She's not going to live with us then. She'll have moved out. Is it boarding school? Oh, no, no, we're too work in class for that. I wish, I really wish. she'd probably just go and stay with her nana I'm glad that you're planning ahead for this now when you get together with this kind of support group of people who calm you down is it more of a tea and biscuits kind of calming down

session or a 12 espresso martinis and a dance on the table kind of thing? No, luckily, the people who gravitate towards me are mums who think it's acceptable to have a can of gin and tonic in a park at 10 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, Wendy's nodding. When I've had playdates and the mums have come round and I've said, what would you like to drink? When they say just a water, then they never come back again. They're not invited round. hate you sister if they say i want a dry martini you're like yeah you can stay it just takes the edge off if everyone's just obviously i don't i don't like

getting drunk in front of her but just if there's a few kids in the house you need something to just take the edge off the noise don't you do you know my lovely friend kelly used to say to me that she had to have just one glass at bath time to take the edge off because bath time was always such a shit show it was just like just one take the edge off a little glass of wine yeah i used to do that just um when i stopped breastfeeding i was so elated to stop breastfeeding just before bedtime we used to go down to a wine bar, me and my daughter, and I used to have a porn star martini. And I used to feed her one of those Ella's Kitchen, you know, with the...

Pouches. Pouch. I'd have the martini in one hand and be squeezing that into her mouth in the other hand. And I met a lot of friends there, actually, sort of like a sisterhood of women who dare do that but were you know you knew they were your people yeah yeah and that took the edge off well a porn star martini is good because obviously levels you out but there's a lot of sugar in that so you were

able to do bedtime really quickly I found I'm glad you've thought about the nutrient profile of the drinks it's very very impressive. Now how do you think Elsie's going to remember you when she grows up what do you think she's going to remember about her childhood? Oh I mean I hope she's grateful because she's got an idyllic childhood I mean amazing she really has and I just don't want to be one of them parents that goes oh you know I didn't have it like this I don't want to like take her to the house I used to live in so she could feel guilty about where she lives I hope I try to like nip that in the bud but no I think she better be grateful I tell you what damn it she better be she finds i think sometimes because she's i think she can be overly dramatic

about things because she's got nothing to worry about i think she's actually going to be mad if if me and john stay together i think she's going to be mad that we've made it too nice for her because that's the thing as well you know i mean the some of the adults that i know that are most off the rails had a very you know balanced upbringing i'm actually worried that there isn't enough drama that goes on in the house maybe you could invent some yeah create some well there's still time i suppose for it for it to happen naturally but no i think um we've got to try and get the balance right it's it what what's very strange that's a new thing that I can't I can't really share with anyone because nobody none of my friends have that experience is people stopping and asking for pictures and

treating us differently in front of her and this is she's never noticed it before and now she does and sort of gets upset if she can't be in the picture or doesn't quite understand why so this is a new thing we've got to try and get our head around of they used to do it with john but elsie was a baby and they didn't really do it with me so i would maybe just carry on walking but now they do it with both of us and that's this is interesting, it's sort of putting me off wanting to be on TV, you know just to try and make

her life normal. How do you explain it to her? Yeah, we just say can you just go and stand over there? Go and stand in the corner no one's interested in you love but are you going to try and keep her face off of social media and that kind of thing are you going to keep her out of the limelight we don't do that we've never ever put a picture of her on she's she was in the first

series of meet the richardsons and when we watched it we we sort of we we um we we become very we became very anxious watching it seeing her little face on tv so the second series she was just in it like once or twice and then this one you you never see her apart from the um the credits you see the back of her head and that feels a bit better for us you know whether we're in the future she'll I don't know what she'll do in the future but yeah I feel relaxed about we we talk about her a lot and I think that's okay but yeah it's really important not to make her a personality um it's it's hard it's really hard and it's each to their own, isn't it? I think some parents do want to share the family on social media. But for us, yeah, we feel more relaxed not doing that.

But you don't think of this when you have a child, actually. You don't think, you know, how much do you involve them in this world? And you worry, you know, what are they going to be like when they're older? But yeah, hopefully she'll also see that she's had a lot of nice holidays it's quite all right so what's next for lucy you've finished drinking custard and you might not have finished being confused but you've written about being confused and you've said you quite like the idea of another book but what else what's next um well i've just finished um a channel four series that's going to be on uh after christmas uh called hull racers called what um hull racers

and it's back to back to talking about hull there's no frogs in it and i co-wrote that with uh with anne-marie o'connor brilliant writer uh. She's from Bradford, so we got along very well. We were like kindred spirits, really. We basically had the same childhood. So that's going to be out. And then we've just finished filming another series of Meet the Richardsons, so that's out. So now it's more thinking about what's next.

I'm sort of um uh developing a few ideas and uh yeah and and but it's nice to just go back to being a mum and and not be as as busy for for a while um so so yeah so I I quite I don't know that's the answer I don't know what what's next yet which is a lovely way to to be um because I got the live stuff so whenever I get a break from this I go back into just doing you know live comedy turning up at gigs and and stuff so that's good to keep my hand in there because I am missing doing live live I mean that's where I started out I was just a very odd stand-up like I was a bit niche you half the audience would like it and half wouldn't understand what was going on so I'm hoping to to get back to that really I missed that with three quarters of the

audience liking it maybe instead of half going going it was definitely half and half they either felt sorry for me or laughed it was one or the other because my legs used to shake you see oh yeah do they not shake anymore oh yeah no they still do yeah i'm just a little bit better at covering it up that's why i used to always have a handbag to put my hand in to stop me shaking now what we all really want to know is what's for tea and who's cooking is it you or john oh we just don't really know till whoever can be bothered really when we get to it where we've moved to there's more on offer takeaway wise and we've been having you know they're from restaurants so we've been having a lot we need to stop that really but um yeah it's whoever's in the mood basically so i have no idea we're like he's a vegan and i'm a bad vegan that eats meat

so it's sometimes tricky to to work out what to eat you're a vegan who eats meat yeah but only when i need it do you know what i mean i have mostly vegan diet but if i fancy meat or fish or cheese i will have it because i think that is your body craving it. It's good to keep your options open on these things. Yeah, definitely. Right, last question, Wend, over to you. Lucy, you're going to love this. I want you to imagine that Annie and I are Elsie

and that you're tucking us into bed and we'd like you to sing us your lullaby, please. Because we know everyone has a go-to song that they sing to their kids when they can't sleep. Oh, yeah. Well, that was a lot. We've got time. That's fine. Don't worry.

Don't you rush now. Just take your time. She likes that one. It was a ballad. So I can never remember songs from Disney or stuff, you know, that's what she wants. So I lie and tell her that songs like, you know, like 80s ballads are from Disney.

She thinks Krista Berg, Lady in Red, is from Beauty and the Beast. It would work brilliantly in Beauty and the Beast. Why has no one thought of this? Well, I tried to, because I know it goes, I know the original got like, Taylor's oldest time, when that little teapot sings,

but I can't remember anymore, so I just moved in to, to never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight and then she said which one's singing that and i said the beast is singing that never seen you shine so bright never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance sing it like that looking for a little romance lady in red and then she says is that beauty singing that's it yeah beauty singing that and the lady in red and then she says but her dress was blue and i said go to sleep shut up i'm so gonna copy this strategy. It's so clever. They'll never know. She's in for a big shock at some point. Yeah, totally clips of the heart.

I said that was so good. Oh, that's the one we want. That's what we want. Oh, my face hurts from laughing. Totally. I can't remember now. Oh, no. It was, sorry, it was...

Laying in my bed, I hear the clock ticking. You know, time after time. Time after time. If you look and you look and you will find me. And she goes, are you sure this is from Moana? Yeah. Where she's running on the beach. Time after time.

If you fall, I will catch you. I will be waiting. Time after... And then she's usually asleep and I carry on with them. Oh, gosh. Lucy, I'm actually weeping. Oh, this is epic. I really want to be there when she watches these films

and waits for the songs to come on and they never do. I know, no. But then she'll say'll say like can you sing one from paw patrol so it's like then i usually do you know like adele like someone like you because i just don't know anyway i don't think anyone knows paw patrol but i am genuinely weeping luc. You've made me laugh so much. Lucy, thank you so much. You've made our day. Please don't go. I'm glad that the tears this morning are happy tears. Oh, mine are.

And I will never listen to Lady in Red in the same way again. You should be muting the beast. Oh, Lucy, thank you for being such a wonderful guest. It's been a pleasure to talk to you. And I hope Elsie continues to enjoy school, even if she's pretending she hates it. And her mum's in a bush. Oh, thank you.

And I hope you have better school runs. And the guy with triplets does. Right, have a great day, Lucy. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye.