The Netmums Podcast - S1 Ep70: Michelle Heaton on celebrating sobriety and the difference its made to her family life

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

After years of turning a blind eye to an addiction that was raging out of control, Michelle sought help, spending a month in the priory last year and is now approaching a year of being clean and sober. The difference it’s made to her life is incredible as she happily explains to Annie and Wendy. 

This episode is sponsored by the NHS. Now, a hot topic on our Netmums forum is the COVID-19 vaccine and whether it's okay for pregnant women to have it. Lots of you are asking for the facts and that's something we've got plenty of. For example, here's one. Between May and October last year, 96% of pregnant women who were admitted to hospital with COVID-19 symptoms were unvaccinated. You can book your vaccine online or find a walk-in centre at

nhs.uk forward slash COVID vaccination. Now, on with the show. You're listening to Sweat, Snot and Tears brought to you by Netmums. I'm Annie O'Leary and I'm Wendy College and together we talk about all of this week's sweaty, snotty and tearful parenting moments with guests who are far more interesting than we are. On this week's show... I knew I couldn't stop, but I didn't know what that meant. And I couldn't ask for help because I was too ashamed to admit it. I'm too scared of everybody knowing, which they would do. I had reluctant myself to just not be here.

But before all of that... Welcome everyone to another episode of Sweats Not in Tears. We're so glad to have you with us and we're very glad to have today's guest with us because she is extra special, isn't she Wendell? Oh she is for lots of reasons. So I reckon the main reason is that this person, I nearly said her name then, was our first ever guest. Don't give it away. Don't give away the secret. She was our first ever guest and she was so bloody brilliant that we fell in love with her. We did and we wanted her to be our guest every week, but she had her own life. How dare she?

Now, she's been on a bit of a journey since we last spoke to her in the summer of 2020, which feels like eight million light years away. But you know what? Haven't we all? So I want you all to welcome her back warmly and give her a really loud cheer. If you're driving the car, out on a run, walking the dog, lying in the bath, giving birth, breastfeeding, I want to hear that roar. Welcome, Michelle Heaton. How are you? Oh, thank you. I'm blushing. I'm blushing. Anybody who can't see me, I'm blushing. Thank you so much. That just brought back memories, obviously, because it was pre-COVID and we were in a studio.

And I remember, I remember talking a lot about going for a drink afterwards or having a drink there with you girls. Do you remember that? Oh, yes, we remember that. But it was like 10 in the morning. It was an inappropriate time to go for a drink at the time. Yeah, I should I should say hi, I'm Michelle. And I'm an alcoholic that would explain my conversation at 10 in the morning back then. You sound very comfortable saying that. Does it feel just easy? Just part of you now? Just another bit of who I am, just like all the other bits? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's quite a big bit because this big bit would have killed me, you know, if I had continued down that path.

Do you know, at the beginning, at the start, I mean, anybody who knows anything about addiction knows that we can't admit we have a problem right so to admit the words alcoholic I never said those words until maybe about two or three weeks into my therapy um in Priory. Wow really? I just couldn't say it because you you know there is such a stigma. Too big? It was just too much I then I'm one of those I am that and I couldn't say it and it took a while for me to acknowledge that I was, even though I knew I was ticking all these boxes, I couldn't put it down. You know, all of the things that you see on paper that makes an alcoholic.

When you are, you don't think you are because you look at the reasons why you're not that. And then, so it was a while before I was comfortable saying it. But then I've got word from it now. comfortable saying it but then i i've got word from it now i say it straight away in rest i almost we go to restaurants because i'm i'm really good i'm free from any obsession over drink or um or drugs and i um i sit down and go would you like a drink and i'll say no thank you i'm an alcoholic. And I either get met with a nervous laugh or, oh, you can have one. Really?

Do people say that? That's so bloody irresponsible. Even friends. But it's because they don't know what it is. I never knew what it is because I thought I could stop, right? So I totally understand people saying why can't you just stop or can you just have one because there's not enough information and they they don't necessarily need to go find it because they're not the one with the problem it was me and but

more than often the interesting thing is is that I get met with so am I really wow yeah or my mom suffered she wasn't so lucky she's not with us anymore and and the list can go on i have to say i'd say 90 percent of people who i meet first time and i say who i am what i am is is met with somebody's in their life who has it or they have it isn't that fascinating yeah it really is it's like when you're pregnant all of a sudden you see pregnancy everywhere yes you know or if you're if your kid's being naughty at school you get all loads of messages from the mum saying their kid is it's like it's like law of attraction almost but on my mind my eyes were so shut off from that, that I never heard anybody say those words then, but now I'm so open.

Yeah. Well, and I guess we shouldn't expect everyone we meet to be leading rosy, beautiful, Mary Poppins style lives. Of course, everyone's got their struggles or knows someone who's got a struggle or is related to someone who's got a struggle. In a way,

is it quite nice to, to connect with people in a way it's amazing it's I mean I won't go too much into um this this 12 steps program and stuff but that's what I follow and I do meetings um I just finished one this morning actually I I led a meeting in gratitude and just that you know sometimes I can't be bothered or I'm like I'm good to stay I don't need to meet in and that's when I know I need to go to keep what I've got but the connection that you have for people and the connection that they give you I learn something new about myself every single day and um so that's with connection but you know the reality is is

that nobody has married problems lives like even even if I didn't have addictions in my in my present, I like the kid in themselves. I really get frustrated about the image that everybody's somebody's life is perfect. Nobody's perfect because life turns up. Yeah. Life gets I've got a lovely friend who says life gets lifey. Oh, that's good good and what about you now that the turbulence is slowly settling down what are you up to um I am I'm trying to get the wheels in motion for my breast reconstruction to be reconstructed and I have no information on that at the minute and so that's just something that we're going to have to do at some point um i have got

loads of loads of liberty x gigs coming up and i'm so looking forward to it i mean it's been a long two years without any income as well right you know from a two-work parent um income bringing family living a very expensive area it's been really tough. So not only am I looking forward to provide for the family, I get to do what I love. And we've got about 30 dates, one of which is a bit of a tour later on this year. So me and the girls are so looking forward to that. And so I'm in the gym a lot.

I've got my mojo back. I just look forward to every day waking up without that hangover, without the shame and the guilt and the remorse of drinking or using. And it's just a different life. It's better than it was before. And so I'm taking care of my body. I'm enjoying life.

Everything in moderation. I like my food. And me and my husband here, we've've set up well we set up five years ago a fitness business and um we're now doing it and you know in reality it was me holding everything back because I was in that mess and um so hopefully in the next month or two we'll announce it being live but we're working really hard on it together. It's called Mission Possible Wellness. And I've been teasing it on my Instagrams with the hashtag everything's possible. So it's, it'll be just like, do you know what I mean? I am

everyday folk. I can go up and down in one weight. I just want to feel healthy. I want to be able to have the energy to play with my kids. I don't want to go and win any um you know bodybuilding competitions so huge side of it would be more fitness physique related um and and we just want to bring um the joy of exercise and wellness um and nutrition and maybe any other help down the line with guest speakers and things coming in like virtually and maybe in person at our gym. And that's what we're building now. So it's really exciting. It's been a long time coming.

And we're hoping this is going to be our baby that we grow for years to come. Love it. Now, back to the COVID-19 vaccine. We want everyone to have a healthy pregnancy, but unfortunately, we know that being pregnant puts you at greater risk of getting seriously ill with COVID-19. And sadly, that's not all. Getting COVID in pregnancy could also cause complications, including your baby being born prematurely. The best way to protect yourself and your baby is by having the COVID-19 jab. The good news is you don't

need to wait until your baby arrives to have your vaccine or booster. It's safe to have at any stage of your pregnancy. You can book in at nhs.uk forward slash COVID vaccination. Now on with the show. So one of the things I'm intrigued by Michelle is that you said at the top of the pod that you were a couple of weeks into rehab or therapy before you could say I'm an alcoholic which you said very confidently and matter of factly to me and Wend which is great so what was it that made you go and get help then if it took you a few weeks to sort of get your head around saying it out loud um a couple of things I I I recognized four months previous to the Priory that I couldn't stop because it was the first time I tried to really stop.

Lots of empty promises over the years, thinking I could stop at any point, but I didn't want to. And then when I got told I was rushed into hospital over that Christmas, I lost Panto because of it. I really did want to stop, but I realized I couldn't. And I didn't know why. And then I sat in four months of hell, but just couldn't. Because I didn't know I was an addict, I knew I couldn't stop,

but I didn't know what that meant. And I couldn't ask for help because I was too ashamed to admit it, too scared of everybody knowing, which they would do. I had reluctant myself to just not be here. I wasn't on the verge of committing anything bad, but I was resounding to the fact that this is my life. This is it. And then I saw Katie Price, my very, very good um yes she she had something I didn't which was um sobriety at that time and I just said I want what you've got I realized that I really didn't want to be here like this anymore because I saw somebody who could do it and then

I um and my husband had had enough I had I was out the house I was staying at a friend's house he hadn't took me out but I didn't want to be there because I couldn't continue to drink the way that I was all my friends had given up on me I couldn't remember the last time the kids wanted to give me a hug I was done like so that was like they call it the rock bottom some people's rock bottom could be something else some people don't it the rock bottom some people's rock bottom could be something else some people don't need the rock bottom to realize that they're an addict I I my journey my stories that I had to reach that rock bottom of about to die and just lost pretty much everything and then I asked for help and then collectively with my husband, a few friends, 48 hours later, I'm in the Priory.

And I can't really remember a lot. I abstained from alcohol for 24 hours before I went in there because I was done. And then on like literally the split second before I walked out, my friend's daughter got to the Priory. I didn't know why. I now know why. I had to drink. I couldn't know why and i don't know why um i i had to drink i i

couldn't stop so i couldn't stop i had to drink so i drank the morning before when the priory um and and the heartbreaking thing is that her son who was 10 11 at the time said auntie me she's not supposed to be doing that i mean what an idiot but no books no book no what a human what a human and humans make mistakes hey well I made a lot of them yeah a lot of mistakes and um you know still not knowing anything about addictions or what I had I mean somebody somebody told if somebody said to me years ago it's a disease i can't stop i'd be like what a load of you know like whatever just stop drinking you know you don't need to drink that much it isn't that easy it's not like that if you are an addict of whatever it is you can't stop and the only way the only way is to abstain with the program the program if i if i drop the program which is either my steps or my

big book um i've got a sponsor i am a sponsor for four women if i drop it yeah it's a lot of work you must be bloody busy i was gonna say what do you even breathe or eat because step 12 right is literally to keep it you gotta give it to give it away. How does that work? I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. So whatever I've learned from my sponsor in completing the 12 steps, I have to give it away and share it. Otherwise, I won't keep it.

But why will it stop you keeping it? Because my mind won't be focused. I won't be in the program. The program's like a big circle. I'm not cured. I'm an an alcoholic I am not a recovered alcoholic I a lot of people use that word and that's fine but I will die an alcoholic but I'm not going to die in alcoholism so are we coming up to like nine months in recovery is that about right I'm nine months one week yeah well done but that is a flipping turnaround lady how yeah like what's the what was the magic ingredient what's the secret if there's any other parent listening to this

I know but it's it's that unless you're in the program right it sounds like a cult but it's not it is the meetings it's aa or ca or whatever your affiliation might be and the steps and i have to believe that there's something looking after me so it's the belief that there's a higher power now i'm not religious it is not a cult i am not a believer in in any religion but i have to believe that there's a power greater than me because I couldn't stop so I couldn't stop well I guess it's healthy for everyone to to realize that they're not the center of the universe right I think what it is is that it's not about that in in recovery in addictions it's just um I could not do what my higher power does for me because I couldn't stop my kids

couldn't stop me losing my kids my health everything Because I couldn't stop. My kids couldn't stop me. Losing my kids, my health, everything. And I couldn't stop until I came to believe that something else could help me. And that's where you open your mind. And there isn't like an epiphany moment. There's no white spark in the cloud in the sky. You don't get faced with an angel. I was expecting all of that,

but it doesn't quite work like that. It's just the obsession goes so as soon as the obsession goes you know you've had it i was gonna say what was the moment where you thought i've turned a corner i've turned a bloody corner i've got i've got i've got a really good um um example here so um it was our third gig with the Liberty X Girls in sobriety. And the first couple were a bit iffy. You know, there's alcohol around, but the girls didn't bring it into the room. They didn't drink.

I didn't ask them not to. They're just so gorgeous to me. That's sweet of them. They're just epic. And then we were at a gig in, I don't know, where was it, Cornwall. And it was a midnight gig with loads of fireworks and everybody had body paint on them. And it was just euphoria everywhere. But natural, right?

Natural highs. And I remember that everybody was drunk before we even got there. And I said to the girls, girls, if you want a drink, I'm good. And I wasn't sure if I was good but I wanted them to enjoy themselves after we had been on stage and I walked into the dressing room before we went on stage and there was alcohol in the room now we had asked not to

be but is what it is and I remember looking and my friend Frat and Small was on stage Ben and Rick Live and that and and the music was pumping. It was like, there was no way I wouldn't have drank or used in that environment. I've never not. And I walked in the dressing room, saw it, admired the beautiful bottle of rosé. I thought, that looks nice. Picked myself up a Red Bull and drank that. And I didn't have the obsession to drink it. I wasn't staring at it i didn't think about it i just thought how absolutely amazing was that i grabbed the red bull and we did the gig and then we danced outside at the front for 45 minutes to the dj set on maybe maybe a little

bit too many red bulls but um i i justin kelly um looked at me the fireworks were going off so this was quite a cool moment right and it was there was thousands of people just performed too and it was one of the first gigs to come back open air because covid and they they hugged me and cried with me and um sorry and they didn't need to say anything they had they didn't need to say any words but Kel and Jess said that they were so proud of me and then Kelly looked at me and she said is it time to go back to the hotel I said yeah let's go now and Jess stayed

and then I left my phone in the dressing room and then she got back two hours later with my phone so I had to stay up but all of that didn't matter because I wasn't jealous that I wasn't there I went back and I got cheesy chips oh that sounds good and and I managed to watch a film and have a bath and just take care of myself you know there was times when I didn't even I didn't wash for weeks and that was the harsh reality of this disease but

that was my moment and I look back at back at that and I've learned from that. I learned boundaries to put in place when I go out to events. But that was about six months ago, that. So really early on in your process, actually, six months ago is only three months over. That's really soon to be going to a gig. And I guess that's your job job so you have to go to gigs but it's a bigger test than maybe god it just feels like such a big test for you to have to do that three months in well yeah it's unbelievable thank you it's hard because faced with moments

where you're testing yourself it's not recommended you know it's just that it was my work it just happened yeah it just happened so it was just my my line of work that I had to be in that situation the kids um the kids know everything um if they ask the question I'd tell them in fairness I mean it's really difficult to hide when I was in the primary one of the most of school had text me we only allowed our phone for like an hour a day and she said oh my god I had no idea my daughter's just told me and I'm like okay because I never looked at social media when I was in there my manager told me not to but it was everywhere I found out when I came out they knew I was in before I was even in so I actually did not see any social media at all, but it was obviously everywhere.

And the daughter got told by Faith. So Faith went to school and said to everybody in class, Mummy's allergic to wine. So if your mummy comes round, she can't bring Prosecco anymore. It's only coffee. Bless Faith. That's so cute. Yeah. so that's what she does in general even now we've got a supermarket and um I um I look at the the 0.0 um Prosecco over for

Christmas and uh she's getting the bottle and she's looking at it and then Ben as she pointed out on one of them was 0.5 not 0.05 I was like thank you so much that is why you're my daughter and she's my little bodyguard and how it's affected her um she had to grow up really quickly I suppose and that's unfortunate but all I can do is is be this better mum now which I really am um it's not too late it's never too late you know no matter how old your kids are if you are suffering from this disease um it's never too late they're never too young they're never too old to get help um because kids are so forgiving I never had to say sorry to the kids because my living amends the way that I am sober every day and present living

amends absolutely it's interesting because when we met you last you were so together but you were so vulnerable you were really tearful you walked in and you looked stunning and you were with it and you were talking and then you just had a cry and you were just not you we were like we just want to look after her when you walk I remember walking out was a sunny day and we turned left to walk down the street and I said there's something really vulnerable about her just I just want to protect her and you were like oh my god I completely agree I completely agree and we were like we wish we could have gone to the pub with her because we I think she needs a chat

and actually no that would have been the worst thing we could have done but you were just oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no no do you know what's really weird is that vulnerable has been the word that everybody's used and um it was something that i i i didn't acknowledge at all um because i'm a sensitive person and i do cry a lot but crying is good now so today if i cry an advert it's because i'm a sensitive little pig and um and I'm eating popcorn and I'm like oh my god that puppy just you know but but just to be so emotionally drained is the best word I was back then um I had masks on I I turned up I mean I I mean apart from that panto I never let anybody down, but I was letting myself down. I would have described you as incredibly professional. Absolutely. You were 100% there.

I was functioning. I didn't, you know, I love working. I love meeting people. But I was suffering inside, obviously. And that was showing. And so, you know, I can look back and recognize that. But the word vulnerable has been met by everybody who I've worked with, Lorraine and that, since coming into sobriety, that I was very vulnerable a lot of times. But we did also have a bit of a laugh that day. Of course.

Because at the time, ladies, gentlemen, at the time Michelle was the face of a vaginal tightening device and we were in hysterics about this are you still the face of said vaginal i thought you were looking around to go and get it then jesus no no because because sit down you're scaring me michelle she's gone running off for something. Yeah, that'll make you laugh though. Right, okay. I might, I wouldn't say the brand name,

although they'd probably like it, but now I am in partnership-ish for like some grid posts, you know how it works. Yeah. I don't get the TOWIE theme, but you know, I just get like normal monthly. For these. Ooh.

Am I allowed to say what you've just shown us? I suppose so, yeah. The Lover Plug. Always discreet from Michelle Heaton. Yeah. Incontinence pads. There we go. Sorted.

So I'm not, so with the vaginal dryness, that's game incontinence. No, no. But there you go. There you go. But this is all real life. Like I'm 42. I am in menopause for eight years now. And, you know, my body aged very, very quickly, very early on.

So a lot of women who are reaching 42 now will be starting to do you know get into perimenopause menopause um you know starting to develop symptoms that i've had for eight years and and you know in fairness both of them two products were products i said yes to because it was something i had been affected by you know i'm not here i'm not here promoting vodka anymore that's for sure well i'm glad you've just stayed true to that region of our bodies that region down below i'll always think of you um right final question now we usually ask as we asked you last time uh to sing us your lullaby. But today, I think we're going to ask you to sing a different song. Michelle Heaton, sing us your recovery song.

Ah, like make it up. Sing us your song that makes you feel good and energized and positive and one day at a time and living things and all of it. Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. Or sing us your vaginal tightening song We don't really mind Or sing us a song about your vagina It's up to you really Just tell us what it's about

Or it could be a bit awkward I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be This is me Yay You're amazing Michelle We love you That was lovely, it's so nice to see you again is me. Woo! You're amazing, Michelle. We love you.

Oh, that was lovely. It's so nice to see you again. Thank you, girl. Yeah, and it's so good to see you fighting fit and taking on the world. I love it, love it, love it. Thank you for joining us. More than welcome.

Thank you. Okay, well, keep up the good work. Have a good day. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.