The Netmums Podcast - S1 Ep74: Mel Giedroyc on winging it and getting away with it

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

Listen as the brilliant Mel Giedroyc shares her tips with Annie and Wendy for making life a little easier, and how winging it is often the best way!

You're listening to Sweat, Snot and Tears brought to you by Netmums. I'm Annie O'Leary. And I'm Wendy College. And together we talk about all of this week's sweaty, snotty and tearful parenting moments. With guests who are far more interesting than we are. On this week's show. Trust me, you are talking to somebody who has made so many mistakes. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I would say I was notching up three a day, three big ones. Getting livid, shouting, locking horns, not backing down,

behaving like a child myself, all that stuff. Endless, endless, bellowing till I was blue in the face, putting Vita, my youngest one, in the garden and locking the back door regularly so she couldn't come in twice a day. But before all of that... Welcome to another episode of Sweat, Snot and Tears. Are you all right? How is it going? I feel like I'm waiting for impending Covid doom as both children have it rife in their classes so wish me luck. Wend, you've already been hit. Tell us how is everyone's status report please? The smallest has COVID. The rest of us are currently negative but she sneezed in my eyeball yesterday so I don't think it will be long before I join her. We are, she's hot,

she's floppy, she's sad and this is our second time round and I kind of, I'm feeling a bit COVID bleak, if I'm honest. I feel like we're never going to be free of it. And although the guidelines say that you can do what you like, really, my conscience won't let me just gaily go anywhere in case somebody who happens to be vulnerable happens to be stood in boots next to us and gets COVID and it's my fault so I just feel like it's a bit omnipresent to use a long word that's like a sort of an essay word it is yeah so yeah we need cheering up and I know just the person I know and the only guest we've ever had, who when I told the mums in the park yesterday after school

who I would be working with today, one of them piped up, I know her, I went to school with her. So, Debo says hi, Mel. Oh, I love Debo. Isn't she the greatest? So, my son, who's 10, has made really good buddies with her daughter, Zoe, who's 10. Oh.

Your girls are a bit older, aren't they? They're 19 and 18, is that right? Yeah, exactly. One's going to be 20 in April, yeah. So it's, I don't know where the times go. And it's really weird. So today is my great nieces. Wait, you can't have a great niece.

You're not 84. Listen, I've got two great nephews and one great, sorry, two great nieces and one great nephew. And I feel so privileged because the great niece is staying with us, Iris. And it's her first birthday today. So we've just had a little first birthday celebration with the one candle, with the little prezzies. And it's just, oh my God,

it just takes you back, guys, takes you back. So actually, my question of, is there any sweat, snot or tears in your house this morning? I thought you were going to say, well, no, because they're teenagers, but you've got a one-year. So tell us sweaty, snotty, teary. Yeah. So I said last night because they're staying and I said last night, right, 8 a.m. We'll do a birthday breakfast. So I was sweating big time at 10 to 8 because nothing was prepared. I was running around trying to get everything, trying to blow up a balloon the one balloon trying to put little things on the table all that kind of stuff you know uh so that was the sweat the snot came from

me again i'm gonna say it came from me in the right nostril just for no reason just felt like it had to just appear and the tears were when she was just being lovely and looking at her prezzies. And the classic thing, we gave her a prezzie. We gave her a little shape sorter. Do you remember those? The little shapes you post through the little thing. She loved, of course, the bubble wrap. She found a stack of bubble wrap underneath the table.

And that was it. She's just happy as Larry. Just chewing it, which is probably really bad, all that sort of stuff. But as a great aunt, can I tell you, it is, it's a bit of a cliche, but it is the joy of doing all that nice stuff and then just walking away. It is brilliant. Yeah. See, we're not in the walking away stage because we have younger ones. I was just telling Wendy before this, that this morning, I felt so overburdened with the inability to be able to walk away that I found myself writing a spreadsheet of the things I do around the house versus the things my husband does, ready to

present him. That's good. But when I wrote it all down, when I wrote it all down, I only do three more things. Oh, make it up. Make it up. I know I'm going to be making it up. I will be spreading it out. Annie, basically you need three more things. Let's call them lies. He'll never know. Does he listen to this? Does he? Of course he doesn't. No, of course he bloody doesn't. And that's another route, but we'll talk about that another day. But I feel the mental load. Are you a mental load kind of a mum mel did you wear that heavily I I'm a brewer so I pretend I'm not but deep down I really really am but I like to pretend I'm not do you know what I mean well this was what I was going to ask you we know you as Mrs Hilarity

are you hilarious when you're mum mel or is there a different mum Mel that we would be shocked to see yeah I would say so we're talking you know quite a long time ago now but I would say when the kids were between naught and four slash five uh they had Darth Vader as a mum. And how would Darth show up? Hatchet faced. Absolutely hatchet. My sister does a really, really annoyingly good impression of what I was like for those five years. It wasn't good. So when you haven't had a nap, when you're Darth, who do you lean on for support? And I really want you to tell us it's Sue. Who's your kind of oh god

plot yeah yeah yeah no she she'd be absolutely up there I've often done a thing and again she frankly rips the piss on a regular basis about this where I will be yeah yeah to everyone else and I'll turn up at her doorstep and just go like that on the doorstep and I think yeah that's that's that's friendship I think isn't it and I think it's a necessity you need people in your life who yeah you can take the mask off for don't you or weirdly it's somebody you just don't know at all isn't it a woman at the bus stop woman at the bar oh god yeah I've done that have you really in a park in the middle of London I was when Gracie was poorly and she was in Great Ormond Street but nevertheless I was telling my husband I was fine I was fine I was fine and then I sat, there's a little kind of one of those squares in just outside Russell Square.

And I was sat there and this little old lady was feeding the pigeons. I had a sob with the little old lady. And I bet she was marvellous, wasn't she? I don't think she was entirely all there to be honest. She just kind of patted me gently. It's perfect. Sometimes all you need is a pat. It is.

Do you know something I've always wanted to get going? I'll just throw it out there. I would love a massive business with loads of cash to sponsor in partnership with us. Just putting benches all around the country where if you feel in need, you know you can go and sit on one of these benches and someone will just come and pat you listen to the upper respiratory guttural sobs or do you know what i mean if everyone just knew there was it within five minutes walk one of those benches we'd all be a lot better wouldn't we yeah absolutely it's like you get in um in primary

schools don't you you get the friendship bench our kids school has got a friendship bench but we need them as well yeah do you think though in that horrible twisted adult way that the friendship bench might be might become something a bit darker like a dogging bench or something oh i would like just a man looking for women to cry. It might become a pervy bench, mightn't it? Oh, that's so sad. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. You can tell she's a mum of teenagers, can't you? What's it like being a mum of teenagers, Mel?

Tell us. Oh, God. I mean, there are a lot of laughs, I have to say. There are a lot of laughs and then a lot of just moments. We were talking to Faye Ripley the other day who said there's basically just a lot of worries about contraception. Yes yes there is there is that creeping in there definitely is that creeping in but I'm just I'm just relying on Mrs Bacardi and Diet Coke and Mr Prose, which is coming in earlier and earlier during the day now. That's, you know, I say Prosecco, that sounds really poncy, doesn't it?

But a cheeky Bacardi and Diet Coke at sort of three in the afternoon, it just softens the edges, doesn't it? Softens off everything. I used to have a gin and tonic in my hand at bath time when they were little because it just took the edge off. Yeah. Just the one. Yeah. See, I can't do that because it makes me sleepy.

And then I'm just like, kids, put yourselves to bed. It doesn't really work. Which is fine. I've sort of, I've done the chat. I've done the chats, the regular chats about all that. I know it falls on deaf ears. And I just hope, I hope that, you know, all is good in that neck of the woods. Again, I'm talking in euphemisms. I'm run up to this, you were saying how now that they're big girls, they've emerged as these like really great people and you've got two really cool friends in them. And I was saying, but is that because you didn't make any mistakes? Because I worry that I'm making so many mistakes that they'll just emerge as axe murderers and it'll all be my fault.

No, trust me. You are talking to somebody who has made so many mistakes. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I would say I was notching up three a day, three big ones. What sort of mistakes? What's the big one? All the stuff you're not supposed to do. Getting livid, shouting, locking horns, not backing down, behaving like a child myself. You know, all that stuff. Endless, endless bellowing till I was blue in the face,

putting Vita, my youngest one, in the garden and locking the back door regularly so she couldn't come in. Regularly, twice a day. And she's's okay she's turned out all right she's she seems she seems all right she seems all right what would she say if we asked her oh god yeah what would they say if we said tell us about mel the mum what would she say they just have loads of in jokes about me which is really annoying i want to be like you know in with the gang well see I've got two girls so I'm like I'm prepping for this there's they're already whispering behind my back about like did you see what mummy just did and about my belly they whisper about my belly is yeah standard it's coming they've both got tattoos now which I'm not I kind of think that's probably quite a bad

I sort of think I'm somewhere along the line I didn't do my job correctly but you know which I'm not, I kind of think that's probably quite a bad, I sort of think somewhere along the line, I didn't do my job correctly, but you know what I'm going to do? Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have a, I'm going to have one done in two weeks, bigger and better than theirs. You are kidding. Boom. Boom. Check you out. Boom. where's it going so it's going on the inner forearm i'm gonna have a seahorse and you know who's gonna do it sue no oh that's good no i wouldn't trust her she'd do something awful like a cock and balls she'd just write penis wouldn't she exactly or dickhead no um my lovely dance partner i did i the Strictly Christmas special this year. And my lovely dance partner, Neil Jones, does all sorts of things as well as dance brilliantly. Annoying. And he is training as we speak as a tattoo artist. And I'm going to be his guinea pig. Well, I think the tattoo is the best idea I've ever heard. My mum's friend had one to piss her sons off when she was 70.

And she got, wait for it, she got a giant tulip crawling up the front of her shin. That's great. And she insisted every time she hung out with them, she wore a knee-length skirt so they could see the tulip. That's great. And she insisted every time she hung out with them, she wore a knee-length skirt so they could see the tulip. That's brilliant. It's epic, isn't it? Yeah, that's really, really good. God, good for her.

70. I'm still a bit worried, Mel, that you're getting a novice to do your tattoo, though. Microblading and tattoos, they're the things you don't want newbies doing, surely. Listen, I'm hoping I think so so far I think he's done six so when I go in he'll probably have done maybe 15 I think he'll be fine when we were looking back at your career doing our research for the show because

ladies and gents we do do research unbelievable as it sounds I I think you're the guest who's had the most varied career of anyone we've ever had on. Really? You've been in a Shakespearean play, The Rocky Horror Show. You're a comedian. Podcast about quilting? Yeah. I mean.

That was very gentle. You're a broad spectrum woman. You're a renaissance woman, maybe. Well, no. Some might say Jacqueline of all trades mistress of none I've got in my notes if she said she was going to be a lion tamer next I wouldn't be surprised so what is next oh my goody god well I'm sort of um what's going on well I I wrote a book I wrote a novel last year uh well two actually before

COVID uh but it came out last year and I'm writing um I'm writing another one at the moment um and I I'm getting to the age so I'm going to be 54 this year I'm getting to the age where I'm sort of thinking I should be doing something blooming useful for society and not just titting around so I don't know I'm slightly thinking there might be something a bit earnest. Are we seeing some kind of like charitable thing coming are you going to train as a midwife like oh for god's sake stop your moaning and just push will you would that be you? I think I'd get too annoyed with the mums if I was a midwife. My mum was a nurse and there's definitely, as I get older, a real streak of the 1950s nurse coming out, like sort of Hattie Jakes in the Carry On films of just that. Come on, get on with it. Come on, tick tock. Come on. I wouldn't

be good. I really wouldn't be good as a midwife. I wouldn't be that kind of doula, sort of all encompassing, let's all share a pashmina and eat each other's placentas. I would not be that type of midwife. So no, I'm not going to be a midwife. My mum's a nurse and my granny was a nurse. Is she? So I remember when my granny

was getting really old and frail, I tried to have a really meaningful conversation with her. I said, granny, any regrets? And she said, once when I was young and I was nursing, she said, I made a man sit on a bedpan and he complained it was cold. And I said, what do you want me to do about it? Blow on it for you? And she said, I really regret that.

That's great. If I get to your granny's age and that's my only regret the something serious has happened between now and then well I know I just thought it's really funny she'd carried this regret all of her life and that was the record that's fantastic so you're not gonna be a midwife what are you gonna do then I've got some more filming coming up um which is great that's really really cool and then in sort of in the autumn I'm just feeling maybe there should be something a little bit different I'm not trained in anything I didn't get into drama school so I'm not actually a trained performer I'm just here just kind of winging it genuinely and just getting away with

it and thinking this is the year I'll be found out um so I need to possibly do some training but then I think oh god at my age can I be asked yeah we'll see watch this space as they say we're ending on a cliffhanger today ladies and gentsents. Like much more important, what's for tea and who's cooking? Okay, so I'm not cooking today. Woohoo! I bought a slow cooker. Oh, but do you use it? I bought one and I've used it once.

I'm obsessed with it. I bought it two weeks ago, cheapest chips, 28 quid. Yeah. Which, okay, 28 quid is still, you know, it's a fair amount of money. But, you know, considering there are slow cookers out there for 128 quid. Yeah. Which, okay, 28 quid is still, you know, it's a fair amount of money. But, you know, considering there are slow cookers out there for 128 quid, I went super cheap. I did last night, oh, it was delicious. I did a Cajun chicken casserole, took 10 hours, put it in in the morning. We ate at 8pm. It was really blooming nice.

See, I don't like casserole. I don't like sloppy food oh i love a slop love it are you saying you're not cooking because it's the slow cooker that's cooking yeah no i'm off duty uh so ben my husband is gonna cook and he goes very ramsey in the kitchen very much just a swirl of kind of creativity throws open the cupboards and kind of says right we've got some well it's a bit ready steady cook actually we've got some poppadoms brown sugar and half a fennel and aubergine eggs and then sort of whisks up something annoyingly usually pretty delicious do the girls cook yeah my uh elder daughter who's at uni uh she got a slow cooker for her 18th birthday from a very kind aunt and uncle so she is slow cooking big time

and the other one is a bit more kind of recipe quite sort of anal it's got to be like that yeah but she does she likes it that's how my husband cooks as well it has to be exactly yeah and i just throw stuff in and yeah i'm also thinking though should we just get a takeaway if you go takeaway what will you get what's your go-to uh it would be oh now this here's a tale so our beloved indian takeaway which is about half a mile down that way. I mean, so cheap, so good. So the last time I ordered a delivery, a very nice chap in his maturer years came to deliver the takeaway. I knew exactly what it was going to be like. It's always delicious, you know, beautiful. He arrived at the door, it's steaming out of the bags i just thought oh brilliant anyway i'd asked a couple of mates a couple of mum friends actually from the girls

school to come over and share this and um lisa one of the mums came in two minutes later through the front gate to find the delivery guy um pissing against our bins no no oh what did she do did she reprimand him she's hilarious she's from new york and she said wow that's a novel way of approaching the the lavatory or something like that and i have to say it wasn't even in the flower bed it was against the bin did you tell on him did you phone the people? Lisa was like, right, come on. You got to get out of this. Come on. You got to do this.

And I was like, no, Lisa, I feel bad because what if times are hard? What if he's really relying on that job? This old, this older guy. God, you're a much nicer human than me. But if you don't tell on him, someone else will. Someone else will punch him. No, no, no, no. But listen, listen.

Found out last week, it's closed down. Oh. And I sort of think, is it because of urination? Because that's not, it's not hygienic, is it? There's all kinds of germ freakery going on in my head as well. Like having to take away over with. I know. So maybe not a curry.

So maybe, no, it will be a curry. It's a takeaway over with. I know. So maybe not a curry. So maybe, no, it will be a curry. It's always a curry. There's another slightly more upmarket one, which we might go for, which is a little bit expensive for my taste. I'm very, very tight, as I've already said. So talking of tight, can I just say, this is absolutely true.

Can I just stop you and say, I am really quite trepidatious about where you're going with this yes no a friend of a friend of a friend gave birth to her third child into her tights a friend of ours did it in the car into a pair of tracky bottoms right last question imagine we're your girls and they're younger, so we're little. You're tucking us into bed and we can't go off to sleep. Sing us your lullaby. I will always love you. Well done.

Well, on that note, we've got to go because while you sang that, someone rang on my doorbell. Well, and also Mel's got a 10.15 cut off to go and eat cake with a one-year-old. Well, no, they've gone. They've gone. I'm relieved from that duty because I saw them leave the front gate. But it's been so lovely having a chat. And please send my love to Debo.

Annie, thank you. I'll say hi to Debo. You say hi to Sue. And enjoy your takeaway tonight. I will, always. Thank you, Mel. Bye. Thank you, Mel. Bye. Thank you, Mel.

Bye.