The Netmums Podcast - S11 Ep3: Kelsey Parker: On dealing with grief & how to remain positive

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

Kelsey Parker sadly lost her husband, The Wanted’s Tom Parker, to glioblastoma, a type of brain cancer, in 2022. She has inspired many with her resilience and positive attitude in dealing with the loss of her soul mate. She shares her thoughts on death and spirituality, raising awareness and managing grief. Her book, With And Without You is out on the 28th of September. This series of the Netmums podcast is produced by Decibelle Creative. 

You're listening to the Netmums podcast with me, Wendy Gollich, and me, Alison Perry. Coming up on this week's show... The day that he was going to die, obviously his breathing changed, I knew he was going to die that day. I told them that I'm just going to go and make sure that angels come and collect daddy today. And I think people have really struggled with that. And then we lost Tom. I came home the next day and I said, Daddy's dead, he's not coming back now. He's with the angels and the butterflies and we've got to get on with our lives. But before all of that...

This episode of the Netmamas podcast is brought to you by Aldi. Wendy, I've got a question for you. What's your guilty parenting pleasure? Oh, I'd probably say it's gobbling up cold fish fingers from my kids' plates after they've abandoned dinner in favour of watching the telly. I do that too. I reckon my guilty pleasure is sneaking out and escaping my children to have a lovely browse of my local Aldi alone. I am so with you. What I love about Aldi is they have an excellent range of great value products. They even have an award-winning baby and toddler range which includes weaning essentials, nappies and wipes. It's funny you

should say that because another friend told me that she switched to Aldi Mamiya and it's giving her big savings. Yes, plus with Netmums and Aldi, new parents can get a pack of newborn nappies absolutely free. So log on to our site and let your friends know about this awesome opportunity with Netmums and Aldi. Right, don't tell my family, but I'm sneaking off to Aldi right now. Hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode. I wanted to talk to you about clubs, Alison. I am in some sort of clubmageddon now so there's clubs for smalls clubs for bigs and they absolutely love their clubs but I find that there's a whole lot of club juggle going on and my grace does dancing she does netball she does hockey she you know the list goes on do you

have clubmageddon in your house? We have, yeah. My main issue is that my eldest, who's just turned 13, she does dancing and she's about eight hours a week of dancing. And my little ones, who are four, they want to start dancing too. And I'm like, I haven't got the budget, never mind the time or the headspace to arrange it all. So I just don't know how to juggle it.

But our guest today is possibly the person to talk to about dancing i believe she might know a thing or two about it yeah so our guest today she does run um a dance and performing arts school um and she's kelsey parker now kelsey is mum to irelia and Bodhi. And in March 2022, she's here to talk to us today about the fact that her husband, Tom, died two years after being diagnosed with a brain tumour. Kelsey's book, With and Without You, is not only her story of love and loss, but it's also really importantly about how death can be turned into something positive and how it can bring hope and light into your life as you carry on your journey without them. Kelsey, a warm welcome to the podcast. Hello ladies, how we doing?

We're doing okay. We're good, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me. How are you today? All good. Yeah, I'm all right. A bit tired. I trekked the Alps last week for a whole week.

You did. We're going to ask you about that. How was it? Yeah, like I'm knackered. It's just so tiring feeling. No, it's not my bums, it's my legs. My legs, it's my knees. Because going downhill, it just hammers your knees.

I've heard that's worse. I've heard that it's worse going downhill, it's my knees. Because the going downhill, it just hammers your knees. I've heard that's worse. I've heard that it's worse going downhill than it is going up. Yeah, because I was like, oh, the going down is going to be a breeze. And then you're just like, boom, boom. It's just like your knees are shattered. Like literally when I sit down, I'm like. So this was the Copperfield track, wasn't it? With which Copperfield and I think Giovanna Fletcher,

she kind of spearheads it every time, doesn't she? And you had Team Kelsey, didn't you, this time? Yes, Team Kelsey. And they did lots of dancing and prancing around. I went, I did last year, I went to the Sahara and then we did Mont Blanc this year. But it's just the most inspiring, inspiring track. The people that you do it with are absolutely incredible like the whole

thing is just amazing which was worse the sahara or mont blanc i don't know some of the girls might be listening right they go oh she didn't do it that's hard the sahara was mentally mentally challenging you know there was nothing in the desert. We lost signal for days. With the Alps, you know, we were near shops and we could pop out for a little beer if we wanted. Do you know what I mean? So we was a bit more like a civilisation,

whereas in the Sahara we were on our own. And we moved to camp every day as well. In the Sahara we moved to camp. So every day you'd pack away and then camp would move and you'd walk to camp uh but it didn't happen like that in Mont Blanc no we had a base camp so it's quite nice because you're going back to the same place every day I think I'd find that harder going back I'd want to keep going yeah so let's talk about all the things that have happened Kelsey in 2020 when your husband Tom was diagnosed with a brain tumour I'm assuming that everything turned upside down you were heavily pregnant with Bodhi weren't you um yeah it must have just been the most

devastating time yeah it was you know what it's not even devastating at the time because you're just literally in shock like you can't believe this has happened to you and your family and it's funny because even when I was just um away in the Alps one of the girls was showing me Tom's um Instagram and during you know because this was Covid time as well like during Covid he was doing Russian adventures. He was on top form. So for me, it just came as a massive shock to our whole family. It was like, oh, this is happening to us and this is our life now. So yeah, I was really heavily pregnant with Bodhi as well.

I was 35 weeks pregnant at the time. So everything's a bit bonkers when you're 35 weeks pregnant anyway without having this huge emotional trauma thrown on your doorstep. And a 14 month old baby as well. Oh Kelsey. I know. Yeah that does turn back an awful lot but let's go back a few years Kelsey. Tell us about what made you fall in love with Tom because you were both quite young when you met, weren't you? Yeah, so I met Tom when I was 19 and we were just in a nightclub. And I don't know, it was just like love at first sight.

I honestly just loved Tom, fell in love with him. We were like best friends, soulmates. You know, it's just all that, you know, when people say it, but it was just so true between us. Like my friends have always said, like, you and Tom are just soulmates, you know, it's just all that, you know, when people say it, but it was just so true between us, like my friends have always said, like, you and Tom are just soulmates, you're like, the boys in the band, you say, with the boy and girl version of each other, but you know, there was just connection like no other, and I feel like we grew up a lot together, you know, that's my like late teens, early 20s, and we found love, yeah it and fame one of you what was it like

kind of watching him go on to achieve what they did with the wanted well now looking back obviously I can't believe the life that he actually lived but at the time you know he just enjoyed every moment of it and his happy place was when he was on that stage and he had the crowds and he was performing to everyone. And Tom was such a hard worker. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they achieved huge success, didn't they? I mean, weren't they the only boy band to get a top five hit in America?

There was some really amazing achievement that they got. Yeah, they did break America before any other boy bands did they got yeah they did they did break america before like any other boy bands did and yeah yeah they now looking back as well like i'm just so happy with his path and his journey that he had because we did live a very normal life as well so you know he was had this huge fame and success but we did we managed to live a normal life too and I think that was so good for him to be able to live a life like that. I feel sorry for our girls Alison there aren't boy bands like they used to be they're just not the same. That's so true not like back when I was a teenager and it was all like take that and boyzone I mean those were the days days. Sorry, I interrupted.

Now, Kelsey, you've said that there's no rule book for losing someone that you love. And, you know, there's no kind of instruction manual, I guess. How have you been guided through your grief? Do you know what? I've just gone with my gut and what feels right. And I think that's what me and Tom did when he was diagnosed like I never actually thought to myself you know um about eating a prognosis for him we never got a prognosis but I just think deep down I knew that a prognosis was never good for Tom so that was like in my gut that was telling me don't get a prognosis don't get a prognosis so you know after we lost him it was

how do I move forward with my life and and and and what what was my gut telling me I do think people have found it quite difficult to you know um understand how I told the kids how their dad died you know I was very honest with them the day that he was going to die obviously his breathing changed I knew he was going to die that day I told them that I'm just going to go and make sure that angels come and collect daddy today. And I think people have really struggled with that. And then we lost Tom. I came home the next day and I said,

daddy's dead. He's not coming back now. He's with the angels and the butterflies. And we've got to get on with our lives. And I think people are really shocked. But I was advised, I got advice with what words to use. And they say, don't say he's gone to sleep or he's gone away because well they're going to be scared to sleep they're going to be scared that if I go away anywhere am I going to come back um and we just you know even

on that day that we we lost him we came home and the kids went to school the next day because life has to continue and it has to move on and there is no rule book and if there was a rule book on grief I would quite like it because you know some people people are quite critical of you know how I'm living my life but um there is no rule book and like you have to go with what you what your heart and your guts telling you I think but that's awful to be criticized for it because you can't you're only doing what you think is the right thing for your kids do you do you talk about him a lot and are there little ways that you kind of remember him with them well tom's very present in that as i mean you can see now but i mean you know i've still got

all pictures up and me and tom we've got our wedding pictures up uh and they are you know with the kids they are so much like their dad so they'll do things like oh you are your father's daughter or you are your father's son um and they look like Tom so it's like a constant reminder and we just you know we we talk and we celebrate him because he would have wanted that yeah absolutely someone said to me a friend of mine really sadly lost her little boy and she took some advice on how to guide her other kids to it and the really useful thing that came out of that was that the counselor said that for kids grief is like jumping in and out of puddles so one minute they're in it and they feel it really strongly and then literally the next minute they want to know if they can watch

Bluey and have cheese on toast and there's no so you they don't grieve in the same way adults do because they don't have that attention span they're in it something happens they really miss Tom and then they're they hop back out of the puddle and they're out of it again yeah or they ask me questions you know they'll go oh what did you say to me oh i said oh you know daddy did used to put you to bed and she was like did he because she now can't really remember that can she and i said yeah daddy used to put you to bed this is what daddy did and then she's then we've had a conversation and she's happy and it's very much that I I used to say you know even when Tom was um diagnosed I said you're not going to come into our house and you won't find sadness because life's got to continue you know he has

been diagnosed with a terminal illness but we're remaining positive since he's passed away the house is still full of laughter and happiness because how can I punish my children for mine you know i'm devastated that we've lost him they will be one day but like you said it is that jumping in and out of the puddles and they will remember him and then not and and we'll talk about him and then won't talk about him so yeah and what are the things that you're doing like to look after your mental health because looking after two kids it's a lot like it's a lot even if you've got a partner it's a lot solo never mind doing it whilst you're grieving at the same time yeah I just think I'm really good at being able to to deal with the grief and everything that's gone on like I'm not actively seeking you know counseling or anything but I am really into

um alternative therapies so I do a lot of reiki and um I'm into homeopathy so I'll take like remedies and stuff so yeah it's it's just doing what's right for me really yoga but I I'm really I'm really good at talking as well so if I'm having a bad day I will I can verbalize that and say I'm having a bad day because x y and z and then I can then go okay and then move on from it who do you turn to for that who is your kind of chosen person for rants do you know what I'm so lucky I always talk about the village so I would have been able to get through everything without the village i feel like a lot of people have lost their villages

but i've got my mum my auntie my best friends well actually so many best friends um and they're all there for me and if i'm having a bad day they're there to like pick up the pieces even like my own nan like my nan is is obviously like in her 80s now uh she just lost my granddad last year so what did where were we where somewhere they have to oh no me and her went to the theater and i was like look at us nan it's like we don't stay out me and you do you find do you find laughing about it helps like do you find just finding that that thing to laugh about you know is it important to you yeah well you know I'm 33 I'm a widow and I'm left with two kids like this is not where I thought my life was gonna be like I said I met Tom at 19 he was the love of my life my soulmate my everything and then it all I just feel like the

rug was ripped from underneath me. And I think if you don't laugh... I'll find humour in it, otherwise... Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'll be just so I won't be able to get myself up off the ground. So, yeah, we do laugh about it. We're popping on again to remind you that this episode of the Netmamas podcast is brought to you by Aldi.

Switching to Aldi Mammy and Nappies can save parents more than £200 during the first 12 months alone. Don't forget to visit Netmums to claim your free pack of newborn nappies. And let all your friends know too. Now, I've got to say, talking to you today, you are coming across like the most incredibly strong person. And some of the things that have been said about you in the last year or two are superwoman, brave, tower of strength, resilient. Do you feel like those things? Like, do you identify with those descriptive words? It's so hard because the people I've just tracked to, you know, some of them have got stage four cancer.

Like, they're brave, they're inspirational, they're everything. I think where we all connect on this is these are the cards we've been dealt, so you do just have to get on with it. Like, yeah, maybe I have been able to cope with it better than somebody else, but that doesn't mean I'm right or wrong the way I'm coping with it. Well, you've said you're not a grief expert but you've written your book because you've lived that experience of someone you love dying so what's your hope for the book? What do you want it to do? I just want people to read it and think you know there is

there is light at the end of the tunnel somewhere and and it might not be it might be 10 years for somebody else um but there is there's got to be some sort of goodness that comes out of this really bad situation and mine is that I get to raise awareness and I get to share my story with people. Was it cathartic to write the book? I mean, you said that you're not speaking counselling, but did you almost, you know, did you almost kind of treat this as a chance to really kind of get your thoughts in order? Yeah, the book is, that is my counselling.

Like I read the book and I actually can't believe that that's my life. I read it and I think, oh my God, like I've actually lived this. But I think also from the day he was diagnosed, I was just like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Like just seeking everything that I could to, you know, make him better, make him live longer. And then when he passed, it was like, right now, how do I do it for me and the children? So I just think I've been on on I don't know turbo power um but then reading the book and reflecting on the book I I can't get through it without crying it's just really really tough for me to actually read and think this is my this is my life you

talked about the turbo power there we had an experience in our family where my daughter had cancer and one of the things I found at that point was that you become a medical expert you become a counsellor you become all of these things and your house becomes very medicalized and talking about it like that that turbo power is exactly how I would have said it as well you just have to go get on and did you find once or for me once all of that was removed I felt this kind of slightly strange well what do I do now because it's gone and that was what I did. Did you have that, that kind of all of the medical stuff, all of my purpose, you were doing so much caring.

Once it's gone, it's a bit like, oh, what do I do now? Yeah. And for me, it was like I went to the ends of the earth for Tom. Like there wasn't anything that I didn't do, even down to you. You read the book, I've read the book, that I flew a doctor over from Spain to give him a treatment that he really really wanted like but I didn't have um I didn't have anyone that could speak Spanish so I went to where my performing arts school is and got this

lady Grace who was just literally like an angel and she came with me um and yeah that was even up until like the hospice I was still like right what we're doing what we're doing and then when he passed it um it was like what do I do now and I think for me people were shocked but I threw myself straight into work because work gave me purpose and I was spreading the message and you know I I just even before we jumped on this podcast someone has messaged me saying i just watched your documentary that you did last year like thank you so much for doing it i've got a terminal illness but now you're giving me the hope that when i pass away that life does still continue for my loved one that's been left behind yeah so i just think it's for me it's like i was

doing it for you know i'm i do a lot for other people yeah but then i do take time out for myself i'm really good at knowing what i need and knowing what everyone else how tell us what it is i don't go on i don't i don't know i think i could like tune into myself and go oh this is what i need right now i need to take myself away from people i need to be with people we all need to be a bit more kelsey more kelsey this is it this is what I need right now. I need to take myself away from people. I need to be with people. We all need to be a bit more Kelsey. Be more Kelsey. This is it. This is it.

Has it been a comfort to have public support? Obviously, Tom was very well known. You're well known. You know, you're trying to rebuild your life and crack home with, you know, looking after your kids. Have there been times that you've wished you could do a bit more privately? No, because I think we've always lived in the public eye from such a young age, me and Tom, that it just felt natural.

And even the reason we went public with his, with having the glioblastoma is one to obviously raise awareness. That in itself, like brain tumors get 1% of funding. So we needed to raise awareness. But Tom loved his fans and he loved them so much and he wanted the support from them so for us it was like a no-brainer that he went public with it and then I think even like the follow-on and the effect that that's had is that I've changed so many people's lives as well from showing how I'm coping with grief. You say in the book that you feel guilty that Tom isn't here and you are. Is that something that happens quite a lot?

I just think guilt is one of them, one of the, you know, there's five. There's five ways to grieve. And I just think guilt is just, you know, it's a given that you're gonna feel like that because you know when I get to see my kids you know already started school for the first day of course I'm gonna be like I wish he was here to yeah of course to be with me like it's just a natural feeling of guilt I think and you know we get guilt as mums just in general that's what I was gonna say like the mum guilt is ever present anyway i think

women it's our special skill is guilt isn't it yeah i literally just dropped her at school and she's just a bit emotional at the moment i think she's a bit of an empath so she takes other people on and then a lot of the kids are crying so she now thinks oh should i be crying uh i know i would have let you shouldn't be but then part of me thinks oh she probably just wants to come out and have a nice little lunch with me I mean I just feel like how is she got on how is the kind of yes start because Alison's twins started reception this year as well so this like the first week was fine but like I said this like last week because other children were crying it set her off and now like today she was fine then But like I said, like last week, because other children were crying, it set her off. And now, like today, she was fine.

Then by the time she got into the playground, another child was crying. And then that just froze her. I love her. I know, it breaks my heart because she's not like that. She's so confident and positive. So it's been quite a shock for me

to see her like that. It's such a big thing, isn't it, for kids? Even if, like you say, they're normally happy as Larry, just seeing other kids can really unsettle them um like kelsey um i've heard you describing tom's death as magical which isn't usually a word that we use to describe death tell us what made it so special i think for tom the reason his death was magical was because we'd worked so hard to keep him so healthy so he wasn't in any pain he didn't look you know some people that have brain tumors very swollen they're

having seizures like he didn't have any of that he was still had a really nice color and and you know we had this whole exchange of crystals and it was just a magical death and if i could die like tom i would be really happy it was honestly just like he so left him and he and he and he passed over whereas we lost my granddad what was granddad he was in the december so what's that like eight months after nine months after and my granddad really fought it he he he didn't really want to die and he he fought that of like um he was going to my mum and my auntie like can you just do something can you just do something because he didn't really want to die whereas tom did just like go with it i don't know i don't do you guys believe in the soul and and

and anything like that because if you do it was like his soul just left his body and he was very happy and i went out after he died i went downstairs in the hospice and a feather fell from the sky out of nowhere a feather fell from the sky and i felt like that was a message for him to say to me kems it wasn't that bad i'm all right yeah because he was so scared funny you should say that there's a book called with the end in mind my friend gave it to me she She was like, now you're going to think I'm mad, but it's a book about dying. But read it because it's really good. And I was like, okay, fine. And what I find really, it's basically written by a lady who's a doctor who works in a hospice. modern world we don't we're not used to what death looks like or what death how death happens whereas back in the day when grandpa died on the kitchen table because that's where you put someone and you cared for them or whatever yeah people kind of understood that death can be really peaceful and it can just be this transition from here to not here and it's

really fascinating because you've described it exactly as she has described it. So it's obviously, there is a, and she talks about the fact there's a pattern to death that we don't really realise in the modern world. Yeah. It was just magical. And people just probably think I'm an absolute nutter, don't they?

But it was that. And he made me not scared to die, even though I've never have been. And I think that we've always crossed on that, me and Tom, because he was so deep and I obviously was never really that deep. And he used to be like, oh, he used to say about the soul and leaving, oh, when you die, you die. But actually watching him die made me go to know what the soul does leave and it goes somewhere else do you think that his death has

made you more spiritual because you've spoken about you know really feeling his presence seeing that feather seeing signs from him has it has it made you kind of reevaluate things well i do think it was on the build-up um of him dying because uh when i was looking at his cancer and stuff like this like we're all made up of cells and we're all energy so we're taught in science energy can't be destroyed it can only be transferred so when you die where do you go you're you're on energy it can't be destroyed you've got to transfer to somewhere else so i think that's made me believe more and also he just yeah sends me signs all the time what kind of talents have you seen especially when he first i think he

passed over quite quickly um because my car alarms were going off, my gate out the front of the house got locked and it wouldn't open again. Feathers, so many feathers. If ever I'm like down, a feather will appear and I'll be like, oh, there he is. But like that, like literally coming outside and obviously, you know, it's all a bit of a blur losing him, but coming outside and sitting down on the bench,

I didn't go to the family room and see anyone i literally went straight downstairs and a feather fell from the sky and i was just like well and how often does that happen right unless you're in felgus quinn it's a manky bit of pigeon that falls on you most of the time yeah feathers don't just fall on you no and it was like that and then i picked up and I was like right I better keep this feather and I've still got the feather now so what advice this is always a tricky one because you've said it's all really individual do you have any advice for someone going through the same or similar thing to what you've been through for me it was just the positivity remaining positive we

called ourselves the positive parkers we We danced a lot. We sang. Just keeping your energy and your vibrations high, that did help for us. And it makes you feel better. And, you know, there's videos on my Instagram and Tom's Instagram of us dancing at home together because it made us, like, raise our vibrations. Yeah.

Well, Kelsey, thank you so much for joining us today. It has been wonderful to talk to you and hear about the book and everything you're doing to raise awareness. You're doing such an important job. So thank you. Thank you, ladies. Thanks for having me. And I really hope your legs start to feel a bit better. Yeah. So we'll have an ice bath. A nice bath. Oh, I will. I will.

Thank you, Kelsey. It's been a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you, Kelsey. It's been a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you.