The Netmums Podcast - S8 Ep1: Emilia Fox kicks off the new series!

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

A new series with a new name and a new presenting line up in the form of Jennifer Howze who joins Wendy Golledge on the brand new Netmums podcast. For the maiden voyage they're joined by actress Emilia Fox, who's keen to get some tips of her own from Wendy and Jen on the struggles of parenting tweens and teenagers! Murdertown series 4 is available to stream on Crime+Investigation Play now, with episodes available every Monday. Sign up now at crimeandinvestigationplay.co.uk. This episode of The Netmums Podcast is sponsored by Aldi Mamia. 

This episode is sponsored by Aldi. Life with a newborn is amazing, but why does no one tell you how many nappies they go through? That's why finding nappies that fit, are gentle against your baby's skin, and don't break the bank is so important. Sign up on Netmums and you'll receive a voucher to claim one full-size pack of Aldi Mamiya newborn nappies, totally free. Sounds good to us. Now on with the show. You're listening to the Netmums podcast with me, Wendy Gollage. And me, Jennifer Howes. On this week's show. I hesitate as I say it, but their overprotectiveness. And now, of course, I really understand their overprotectiveness. And I think they were trying to extend my childhood

for as long as possible. And then I went to boarding school at 13 and it was the right time to individuate and it was the right time to for me you know sort of mixing with boys and you know I was really shy but it sort of opened me up to I think become the person that I am now and I got to explore being a teenager. But before all of that hello, and welcome back to another podcast season from Netmums. Now, I am super excited to be launching the new season with a new name, a new co-host, but the same mix of guests, insights, chat, and general blathering on, which is what we know so well that we do. I'm Wendy Gollage, parenting journalist and longtime host of the Netmums podcast, and I'm Wendy Gollage, parenting journalist and longtime host of the

Netmums podcast and I'm delighted to welcome Jennifer Howes, my new co-host and the editorial director of Netmums. I'm sad to say goodbye to my partner in crime Annie but Jen brings a heap of experience. She co-founded the parenting network Britmums. She's been online lifestyle editor at The Times and has contributed to everything from The Wall Street Journal to The Guardian. Hello, Jen. Hi, Wendy. Thanks so much. I'm really excited to be joining the Netmums podcast and be a part of the amazing discussions and conversations hosted here. In addition, we have a new name. So we're saying goodbye to your previous name of Sweats Not in Tears. And now we are the Netmums podcast. Short, sweet, easy to remember for me.

Now, it's a bit of a slow day for me today here. We celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary at the weekend. And I celebrated a little bit too hard and I've got the two-day hangover. So if I lean heavily on Jen and our lovely guest, please forgive me. Jen, I'll let you do the introductions. Yes, I am really excited about our first guest of my first podcast episode ever with the Netmoms podcast. It is Amelia Fox. Amelia, as many of you know, is an award-winning actress and presenter. She comes from a family of actors and has appeared in everything

from fantasy to period dramas, including her very first television appearance in the iconic BBC Pride and Prejudice, playing younger sister Georgiana to call in first Mr. Darcy. Since 2004, she's played forensic pathologist Nikki Alexander on Silent Witness, and she's the new host of Murder Town, which just launched Series 4 on crime and investigation. That's now available to stream on crimeandinvestigationplay.co.uk

with new episodes every Monday. In addition, Amelia is mother to daughter Rose and has two adorable mini dachshunds, Molly and Clive. Amelia, where'd you go from that intro? I wasn't expecting that at all. So thank you very much. I am very, very excited to be on your podcast and I'm hoping to get lots of top tips for parenting, actually, which is what I need. So you've written your own life of crime in the fictional sense by playing Nicky for what's 17, 18 years now and now you're working on Murder Town which for anyone who hasn't seen it is a 360 investigation of the impact of a murder on a local community. Is it just that you've always had a thing about crime or how did you just fall into all of these crime dramas? How does it work? Well I think when I was little I loved reading Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie. that I was really interested in anyway.

And then my interest was furthered by meeting the real people who are involved in solving crimes, who've advised on the show, the pathologists and the forensic experts. We have a coroner who definitely, he comes in and advises us on postmortems. So in meeting them, I think I became interested in true crime and then getting the opportunity to work on Murder Town and other true crime documentaries, which I've done, I think has sort of furthered my interest in it. But they're such different things, the fictional crime, obviously, and the true crime, because you become so focused on, you know, the sort of tragedy of the loss of human life and the families affected by brutal crime.

But I think also Murder Town you know tries to highlight the amazing work done by detectives and forensics. Yeah it must be a pretty sensitive film to make like filming that Silent Witness obviously it's acting there's a script it's stop start this is very much real people real crimes real lives how did that affect you well the only crime that I was a little bit familiar with was the road rage incident the death of Stephen Cameron who was killed by a notorious killer called Kenneth Noy so you know learning about the other crimes and going to the places where they have happened and seeing the impact that it has had on the families and communities is very moving. And I think, you know, obviously, each individual story, you know,

will stay with me, I should think for a very long time. I've watched it. It's an amazing program. Very moving. I do want to shift gears a little bit, though, because I'm a big fan of another bit of your television work, Celebrity Gogglebox. Wow! That you appear on with your mother, Joanna David,

who is an actress and producer. And y'all are so very, very funny together. She can be quite salty. I never knew how risque an Antiques Roadshow episode could be. Yes, my mum, who is known for playing parts which are very innocent and butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, suddenly was revealed as the mother that I know who is outrageous and funny and naughty and twinkly and it was a really you know it's very rare isn't it you get to work with members of your family and certainly we've sort of avoided it in many ways but Gogglebox was a really lovely thing to do and very funny because they live in Dorset and they don't even have a television there so most of these programs she hadn't ever heard of let alone known what the

content was so it was great fun seeing her reaction to that. When you're doing Gogglebox how does it work do they give you like a login and you have to watch things and do they provide the sweets that's the other thing I've always wanted to know everyone always has like an eclectic mix of donuts and biscuits on the table what's behind the scenes give us the goss there's really really delicious things to eat and that is all provided by them so yes I definitely think it's probably the most well fed I've ever been on a job. I don't know that I made enough use of it, actually.

Mum and I should have feasted more. And then they show you, you know, excerpts from shows and films. And then they basically just watch your reaction and leave you to it. OK, so you don't have to watch like the whole thing of everything. You're not there for three days surviving on custard creams and trying to to it. Okay, so you don't have to watch like the whole thing of everything. You're not there for three days surviving on custard creams and trying to watch everything. That would be my dream.

I don't think that they've got enough time in making the show to have each of us sitting there for three days. But yeah, I would love to sit there and watch all shows in full. I don't know that I would want to watch, say, Naked Attraction with my mother, for example. That seems a little bit beyond the pale. Well, I was really glad to be watching it

with my mother because I thought that that would be the most hysterical reaction from her, which it was. Yes, indeed. Now, I did want to ask a question. So when my daughter was young, she loved how her granny, my husband's mother, would occasionally be quite sweary. She's quite a character by sharing indiscreet stories from her father's youth and swearing, I think, in a similar vein to your mother. Does your daughter, has she seen you and grandma or grandmother or whatever she calls her on Celebrity Gogglebox, or is it just too profane? Definitely not. I would not be allowing Rose to watch either the content of Gogglebox or my mum's reaction to Gogglebox. But certainly I remember my mum's reaction to Gogglebox. But certainly I remember, you know,

my mum being, you know, outrageous and funny and the centre of every social occasion when I was little in a very embarrassing way. And I'm so not like my mum. I'm much shyer than she is. And so Rose has had a very different upbringing with me. And also I am constantly saying to mum no you've got to temper what you say and you can't be like that in front of Rose so we have a slightly absolutely

fabulous relationship where I think I'm you know like the daughter in Ab Fab saying mum mum please please but she doesn't listen clearly no it's just not remind us how old rose is rose is 11 rose is 11 which my daughter is 11 on friday amelia so i am in the same space as you i'm just starting to see and it's almost happened overnight that the the teenage years are approaching and i've felt so OK about it going, yeah, we've got such a brilliant relationship. We're so close. And Rose really listens to what I say. And I suddenly overnight it has changed and the pushback has started. And wow, it makes you want to pull your socks up and hold on to your seat. Wow. I'm with you. And it is overnight. It's like one minute you are telling your 10 year

old to tidy their room and they grumble a bit and go off and do it. And then the next minute you're telling your 11 year old and they're like, no, it's my room. I'm not cleaning it. And it's like, oh shit, how do I deal with this? I've gone back to reading parenting books. Okay, talk to me about these books. Tell me what are you reading and what have they told you? All the 11-year-old texts, please. Yes, I want to know too.

I've had Steve Biddles' Raising Girls books. I had two of them on my bookshelf for years and I sort of dipped into them but hadn't really, really read them. And now they've come out and it's like the Bible. I'm searching for faith and what to do. And of course, I read these, you know, the things that he says.

And I'm like, you're absolutely right. I wish that I'd done that differently. And I wish that I had really followed this book from chapter one. Whereas now I'm coming into it in chapter 10. And some of the horses already bolted on some of those things. But that's why I find books really hard like that because you read them

and you realise what you didn't do and it just makes me feel worse. It just makes me feel like I've totally paused it all up. I know, me too. And my partner is, he's got three teenage children. He's like, you don't even know what's to come.

And I'm like I've been going no but I think it's all going to be different with us and it's going to be all right he's like yeah oh Amelia oh Amelia I have an 18 year old yeah Jen's Jen's at the coalface please tell us what happens from now on and what we should do. I would say one, brace yourself. Yeah. We had lots of ups and downs. Let me just say my daughter and I. She's not helping. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I did get some good tips from some friends here too that come to mind. One was basically, she said, if they want to do something or if they say, oh, well, I'm not going to be home at curfew. I'm going to be home at one or something. You say, well, okay, you can do that.

But then it's a trade-off. Here's what I'm going to do. They still have the choice. They could stay out really late. And then my choice is to take away their phone for a week or something like that. Oh, right, right, right. It's trading. It's trading. So you're not imposing a will. You are basically saying this is a negotiation and you do this, I do this. So I thought that was very good. And then the other one was it's a bit like dog training in that when they do something wrong,

you have to like not react. And when they do something you like or, you know, that follows the rules you like, then you really celebrate it. That's back to toddlers. That's what you do with toddlers. Yeah. No matter what stage of parenting you're at, from pregnancy through to the toddler years, we all need a little help.

And Aldi's on hand with advice and support every step of the way. Head to the Bump, Birth and Beyond Hub under New Parents on netmums.com for a whole host of useful information from tried and tested birth tips to bedtime routines for babies. And while you're there, make sure you sign up for your free pack of Aldi Mammy and Newborn Nappies. It takes less than 30 seconds we've timed it by the way and you'll get a voucher for a free full-size pack now back to the show but don't you think Amelia I look back at me between the age of like 11 and 15 and I just think this is karma like I remember what I was like were you a horrible teenager but were you really well behave no this is the really difficult thing

is that I was completely the opposite I was really you know mum described as you know sometimes I was a bit moody but I didn't have a rebel in me so I wasn't fighting to individuate from my parents I went to boarding school at 13 by choice I I think because, you know, well, for lots of reasons, actually. I was at an all-girls school and then I changed to a secondary all-girls school and I felt like I was way behind where the others were. I was still sort of being picked up from school and taken home and doing cello lessons. And they were much more focused on boys and relationships and things like that than I was. And so when I went to boarding school, I think I was trying to get away from their, it sounds awful now, and I hesitate as I say it, but their overprotectiveness. And now,

of course, I really understand their overprotectiveness. And I think they were trying to extend my childhood for as long as possible. And then I went to boarding school at 13. And it was the right time to individuate. And it was the right time to for me, you know, sort of mixing with boys. And, you know, I was really shy, but it sort of opened me up to I think, become the person that I am now. And I got to explore being a teenager in the safety of a boarding school. Now, I've always said that I would never want Rose to go to boarding school and she's shown no interest in going to boarding school. She's always wanted to be at home. But as, you know, in the last few months, I'm discovering, you know, she wants to be with her friends and she wants to do the things

that her friends do. And, you know, we are battling the screen, I think, in a way that, you know, we have no compass for what that was like. You know, we didn't have that when we were growing up. So I can't even refer to my parents with what they did. But my parents were very loving and firm and had boundaries. But, you know, it was about a very simple life. And I now look back on that and go, that's, I'm really grateful for that. Whereas I think their world is so much more complicated now with what they have to deal with

and what they're exposed to and trying to navigate that. And I don't feel prepared for that at all. Hence, going back to Steve Biddulph and thank god talking to you in that one of the things that I was just about to ask you actually was we all got my daughter's just gone into year six and we got called into the school for kind of the start of term kickoff meeting and it was all about phones and social media and WhatsApp. And it put the fear of God in me because I haven't really had to think about this. My other daughter's seven. What's going to

be your take on all of that as Rose gets older? Well, there is a sort of, you know, it's hard to balance it, isn't it? You know, know and I think I listen I I don't know the answers at all I just know that we have a daily battle about snapchat for example um that is you know mom all my friends have got snapchat you know they all use it and I don't even know what snapchat is I don't have Snapchat. I just know that I don't want to have Snapchat. And so I'm trying to hold out against it by going, the age restriction is this, and there's a reason for it to be that. And in my best moments, I can do that with humor and be in a really annoying mom that do it, you know, and make her laugh. In my worst moments, I'm like, no, the answer is no. And I'm saying it just because I'm saying that.

But it's that balance, isn't it? Between being what you feel is a responsible parent who is doing what you feel is the best for your daughter. And at the same time, I find myself thinking, I don't want her to be left out. We had the same battle about Minecraft that you're having about Snapchat. I don't know, do you feel the same? Do you feel that tawn-ness, torn between the two? Totally, I feel torn.

And my goodness, she can pull on my, you know, guilt strings, you know know everyone else does it you know I play video games when I'm at my dad's and I'm not allowed to when I'm with you I mean partly because I don't I wouldn't even know how video game works so you know in some ways I'm a bit of a dinosaur about it and that helps but in other ways you know the phone is like you know I think as parents we're sort of grateful that they have phones because we can find out where they are but the other is what they're exposed to and and I you know we just try and talk about it as much as possible you know very often I don't

know the things that I'm talking about but at least that you know what she is being exposed to or you know is so often unreal and it is not the thing to aspire to and then when I look at the middle he's like you know you limit it you do the family things you do the things which are in nature um and do as much exposing of them to you know that kind of life which is what I took for granted as a child. That's what's so extraordinary about it. Yeah, it's so hard to get that balance, right, between giving them freedom and helping them feel supported to kind of go out in the world and being protective, even when they hate it. I know. And I also, you know, in some ways, you can't deny them that either. Although

I did meet a friend of Rose's this weekend, who was like, my parents are not letting me have a smartphone until I'm 16. And I said, you know, how do you find that with peer pressure? And she said, you know, at the beginning, it was really annoying. But now I've accepted it. Now she's a voracious reader. You know, she didn't stop reading all weekend. I was like, that is just truly wonderful. But that's like I was when I was a child. I just read and read and read. And, you know, but it's, you know, depends, I guess, maybe one should just be really, really firm from the beginning. I think probably I should be a firmer parent. But, you know, you keep thinking you're doing the right things with love and for different reasons and with different pressures and you know there are so many things that I probably would do

differently now but now I've done them we're gonna have to make the best but I'm just gonna jump in there and say also you've got the trickiness of you said she's playing computer games at her dad's for example so you've you're also managing different parents different parenting not being together and how you kind of how do you navigate that hell minefield well you know for so long I've tried to see it as a real uh benefit that the things that she does with her dad you know are very different to the things that she does with her dad, you know, are very different to the things that she does with me. But I think that can be really good. You know, two parents bring different things, whether you're together or separate.

And so, you know, he can bring a totally different set of interests and, you know, pleasures to her than I could ever do. So in some ways, I, you ways, you hope that that balances it. And if she's doing that there, she's not doing it here. So there's a balance in itself. But that goes across the board. But I think that Jonathan has got three teenage children, and he would do parenting totally different in other ways as well. So even when you're living together with someone, you know, it's sometimes hard to go, okay, I'm going to learn from this and change my ways of how I've done it in the past. Cause you think you're doing it right. Don't you? You hope you live in hope. Or alternatively, your way.

I'm divorced from my daughter's father. And it's like, yeah, my way, the right way or his way. Which, you know, I respect it. But of course, it's wrong. It's very difficult. But I'm sure it's difficult when you're together, too, because we're brought up by different parenting styles ourselves. So you take different things from your own parents, don't you, and your own upbringing. And so even together, I think it can be hard. I wanted to ask, because of your family, because of Rose's father, I've read that she has said she doesn't want to act. Are you disappointed or relieved?

I'm absolutely delighted. But how long that will last for, I'm not sure, because what she used to say when she was little is that, you know, people would very often say to her, how do you want to be an actress like your mum? And she'd say, no, I don't. And they'd say, why? And she'd say, because I don't want to get up at 5 30 in the morning which is a very very good reason and then when

she wrote in her end of year school book they said you know what what do you want to be when you're older and she said an actress or a criminologist and I was like oh David Wilson who's the criminologist that I do some presenting work with. And she thinks he's amazing and his job is amazing. So and I've seen her in school plays and thought, oh, she's got a bit of a performing flair. And as I say, she's much more extrovert than I am. I know my parents were really worried about me going into acting because it's such a precarious business.

You know, there is no, you know, solidity or reassurance to an acting career. But I've tried to look at it like, you know, she might want to do what her dad does. She might want to do, if we can give her as broad a horizon as possible to choose possible to choose from and you know ultimately it is up to her and I would encourage her if she did you know if she does want to act I hope she'll have me silently hoping she chooses something that is acting possibly and her rose-tinted spectacles like mine were completely

off about what it is like to be an actor and what kind of life it is. That's true. There's no, oh, it's amazing. It's really easy. She knows the hard graft firsthand, I guess. Absolutely. And it's like, you know, all of us working parents and trying to juggle that and juggle working life with family life and life is very normal. So when she chooses, at least she'll know what the reality is. I did have one other question. With your background, in addition to your lengthy acting resume, you are a musician and have played cello, piano, trumpet. Is that something you share with your daughter, a love of music,

or does she have the musical bug? So I when I played cello from the age of four because my parents knew you know an extraordinary cellist called Jacqueline Dupre and I saw a picture of her when she was little playing the cello and when I got asked at school what do you want to play I chose the cello which I'm sure my parents ate well I mean were glad about because of Jackie but I think sad about because they had to cart a cello out for all of my school years and and then I did too but I really loved it and I was passionate about music and they'd my mum used to take me to concerts at the festival hall classical concerts my dad played the piano so I was invested in in a love of classical music and for a long time I thought that that's uh what I would like to do professionally although my nerves would take over

when I had to perform at any time so I got myself out in the end but I loved it and I loved playing the piano no trumpet although I might take up from you. I'm sorry. No I love the trumpet. We've invented a career in playing the trumpet. You're that good you're that good Amelia because of your cello skills we know you could be a great trumpeter as well. So I really loved it. And then after school, university, and the first few jobs where I played piano and cello in the first couple of jobs, then it got neglected. And then, of course, having Rose, I wanted to try and do the same and encourage her with music. And we did the piano lessons and she just wasn't interested in practicing at all. I tried all the time.

I've got one of those as well. It sounds like our daughters are similar. And heartbreaking, I bought her the guitar, hoping that she would want to play that. And she just has no interest in it whatsoever. So I've retaken it up instead of her. So I've retaken up the piano So I've retaken it up instead of her. So I've retaken up and I've retaken up the cello and I'm going to hope to do it by osmosis in that way instead.

It sounds like she may be doing a bit of reverse parenting where she's getting you to do all the practicing. Yeah, I'm a bit worried that that term reverse parenting might be across the board though and that's boring so what is next Amelia tell us what's on the list after Murder Town and some more Silent Witness we hope well uh yes I'm filming Silent Witness at the moment and so we will finish series 26 we'll finish filming in November and then I will make five more episodes of Murder Town which will take us up to the end of the year I can't believe we're saying that once you're a parent your life goes on fast forward it's quite extraordinary because I think you chart your life through their years and they're growing up and they want to grow up really fast and you want to slow life down it's really bizarre and it goes on school terms don't you find you kind of like

it's the beginning of term and then you're limping to the end of term and then it's the holidays everything goes on that school timetable I know the holidays which seemed so long when they started I was like how are we going to get through this and make sure that you're entertained all through the holidays? And then suddenly they're gone and we're now in year seven. I can't believe it. Yeah, people ask you how your holidays were and you say, oh, when was that? Oh, I don't remember.

Amelia, how did starting secondary school go? She very, very fortunately can stay at her sort of primary school for another two years so she won't go to secondary until 13 so I'm very glad because the headmistress who was the headmistress at the school that she's at said that year five would be all about the girls friendships year six would be about boys and year seven then we're looking at sort of building up for the 13 plus and changing schools and that's exactly right friends you know the negotiation of friendships you know and and girls how they work together in groups was like i mean oh yeah yeah then boys being the next focus is really hard because I'm like

you're not old enough to be focused on boys I mean I don't remember being focused on on boys and things relationships until I was 14 but everything seems to be starting earlier now but at least she's got those friendships in place and I'm I feel sort of lucky not to be navigating that and new school and exams for the next school in year seven yes it's a period of great change isn't it yeah well Amelia thank you ever so much I hope that we will be enjoying you at least 30 series of Silent Witness can we aim for the big three and then a bit sweary you can't watch with your kids goggle box with your mum if you wouldn't mind please oh thank you well thank you so much for having me on your podcast i'm really grateful if you get any more good reads for 11 year old girls would you please let me know let us all know let us all know absolutely

well any top tips from you i would be very very grateful for just more treats more like the treats that you give molly and clive but for your daughter oh thank you thank you so much amelia just to remind everyone don't forget that you can get in touch with us on all social channels on at Netmums. And if you've liked what you've heard, we'd love for you to give us a five star rating. Press the follow button and share the podcast on all their socials. Be sure to subscribe to the Netmums podcast wherever you get them. And be sure and tune in to see Amelia on Silent Witness on the new season Murder Town, and her other projects. Thanks again, Amelia. Thank you so much. Have a lovely day. Bye. Bye.