The Nick DiPaolo Show - 001 - Redskins

Episode Date: October 15, 2013

The inaugural episode of the Nick Di Paolo podcast.   RiotCast.com

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, kids. Nick DiPaolo, inaugural podcast. Should be excited. I should be. I'm not. Yes, I am. I mean, I'm sure the world, that's what we need, another comedian doing a podcast. Hey, and with me this evening, the guy who founded the Riotcast Network,

which is where you're going to hear this, this and on iTunes and any other place you listen to podcasts, Rob Sprantz is in the house. How are you doing? What's up, Rob? What an honor to be here. Dude, let me tell you about Rob, okay? He works a real job during the day, okay? And he lives in Long Island, so he's a commuter. He gets on the train,

goes home from his job, turns around, gets in the car, and comes up here. And I think about hanging myself on every commute back and forth. Do you really? Yeah, pretty much. Well, if you're on the train, some nut might shoot you. That happens once every ten years. You know, sometimes I pray for that. Yeah, I know. I've taken it.

I've done the commute. Sometimes like maybe this will be the car where it'll happen for me. So I'm glad you came up, brother, and I appreciate it. It's a pleasure. The Riotcast Network, and this is the first podcast. And at the beginning, I want to explain, folks, we're going to do, it's going to be bare bones. It's going to be, you know, I'll record it and put it out there whenever the next day, whatever, you can listen to it.

That's how it's going to start out. But eventually, I want to treat this as close as a radio show as I can. We're going to have a call-in number. I'm going to do the shows live so we can recreate that radio thing that people love. Put a smoke machine in here. Do laser beams. Yeah, exactly. Do that shit right.

Like a kiss concert or a YouTube video. Exactly. You should put the kiss makeup on yeah well i got that but uh so that's what we're gonna you know at the beginning it'll be bare bones and eventually and then the third level if it's successful obviously we put the cameras in and uh and uh you can you know you stream in the whole the whole dealio so uh you know this is funny for me because i go from a you know know, I had a legitimate radio gig in a $5 million studio. And here I am in a basement, basically.

But you look happy. I am happy. That's what matters. Yeah. We'll leave it at that. But I'll tell you who I feel like. And I think some of you people will know what I'm talking about if you know this movie. Mom!

Take it easy. Lower it. I'm not going to lower it. I have to do this movie. Mom! Take it easy. Lower it. I'm not going to lower it. I have to do this now. I don't mind you playing it, but lower it. That's a Rupert Pupkin. Fucking great movie. Yeah, the king of comedy.

And if you haven't seen it, folks, and a lot of people haven't, I might bring it up. I'm still talking about The Hangover 3. Yeah, no, no good. Yeah, so Rupert Pupkin, you know, De Niro played in the King of Comedy. And he had like cardboard cutouts of everybody. I was thinking about doing that too. I can leave one of me. You can leave your cardboard cutout.

I want it to be, I want it to make it more like a comedy club audience. It'll be a bachelorette party. I was going to cut out girls with, you know, dicks on their hats. And then the, you know, the on their hats and then the you know the hispanic table getting upset because i made a crack about illegal immigrants and you know i'm trying to make it that new york that open-minded new york comedy audience i'm so used to well that's why that's why i'm here as the network i want to make sure you get as offensive as possible fucking liberal fucks anyways there's a lot more of that come from but uh let's talk about what i

wanted to talk about was stand-up comedy i like to give people a peek into what goes on i mean uh this past weekend i had a gig in poughkeepsie again to give you an idea where the career is going broadcasting from my basement and i did a show in poughkeepsie i'm it's like i'm in reverse going 400 miles an hour but uh bananas in poughkeepsie i've done the gig many times people they go why do you do rooms like that at this point and you're like well when you have an open saturday that you're not booked at an a club somewhere and and uh you're trying to put a new hour together i'm shooting this new hour in november so i want to you know hone this thing and every chance i get so i grab any gigs and i

do a lot of local stuff hadn't done this one in a while. Why is it bad up there? It's, you know, it's Poughkeepsie. No offense, Poughkeepsie, you're fine, but it's, you know, it's not a good room. But anyways, I get up there, you know, and I'm always in a cherry mood, and I get up there, and there's a show already going on before mine. My show's supposed to be at 8 o'clock,

and I see a comedy show going on, which nobody told me about. Like they had a show before you or is this say like you coming on after this for the same people uh well that's those are all the questions i had when i walked in with a scowl on my face and i go up to this girl who's pinned in the corner and she's the only one waiting on people she's at this little counter and she's i noticed she's handing out sodas and water and i go hey yeah am i no mcdonald hey what the fuck i'm like why is there a fucking show going on she goes i can't talk right now i'm the only one here she starts yelling at me oh my god well that's nice what do we she didn't know who the fuck i was and i and then again that speaks of my career but i'm like

take it easy honey okay i said i'm on the next show i'm just asking you know i know but i'm alone she almost started crying. I go, hey, service with a smile. Oh, my God. I fucking got away from her as quick as possible. And she was the only one serving the place. But here's the thing. And there's a bunch of people standing, looking into the comedy showroom from the lobby or

whatever the fuck you want to call it at the Grand Mercury Hotel, whatever I was playing. That's a palace. Yeah. So they're standing there and I'm going, what the fuck is going on? Why is there a show going on? There was a comedy competition, turns out. Oh, Jesus. For some of the locals.

Money is people in, you know, Nut Wing County. Yeah. Whatever. Johnny from the insurance salesman company. Well, some 14-year-old kid won it. Seriously. The dad comes up to me after the show. I'm in the lobby sitting there

with a puss on my face. And he comes up and introduces his son. 14 years old. Won the competition. And I said to him, congratulations. You're on your way. And in 30 years,

you play a car drive, you'll be here at the Holiday Inn in Shitville. And the father starts laughing. I go, I lost every contest I ever fucking entered, including my marriage. I thought the father would find that funny.

He gives me like a dirty look. It'd be great if the kid was like a dick too, like all conceited because he just won. I would have punched her right in the stomach. But so anyways, and that was the positive part of the night. So then this girl comes up to me and introduces herself. She goes, I think I'm your opening act, like this cute girl. And I'm like, oh, okay, fine. And then I see her i see her

walk away and start she comes out of this room she's carrying chairs into the showroom for the next show so you're opening and setting up chairs like that's the game i wasn't no but it's just well jesus let's get this straight fucking i was nobody would ask me to carry a chair. You'd beat somebody with a fucking chair. So I told her, put those down. I go, put the fucking chairs down. I go, that is not your job. Who is in charge of this shithole? And there's this woman, Pat Bear,

this really attractive black woman, busty, beautiful. She's nice as hell. And she's got more, and I guess she's running the, she was running it, but she's got, you know, here's what happened. The hotel just got bought okay so they have no liquor license apparently that had expired or whatever however that works but you just grandfathered into the next owner so there's no liquor license okay so i go i'll just go to this little little bar that i always go to in the hotel i look and that's closed, locked up and stuff. And the girl behind the counter goes,

yeah, we don't have a Lincoln license. So now I get an audience, which again, the misnomer in comedy is that a drunk audience is a good audience. And that's not true either. But I don't want them stone cold fucking sober. And aggravated that they can't get a drink. That's right.

And they were. So I'm like, what the hell? And I have somebody, this woman coming to see me she's a lawyer i'm you know i made friends with her on red eye uh the show red eye on fox news channel and she's from up in the poughkeepsie area i mentioned i was playing up there so she brings people and she's like what's going on here i can't even get a drink and i go that's just so fucking embarrassing she goes i'll be right back she She's from the area. She goes, I'm going to go get you. She goes, don't worry about it.

She takes off, comes back like 10 minutes later. She hands me a 40 ounce Heineken. Okay. And I needed a drink at this point. I'm just like, you know, I'm a little fucking tense. It's quarter of nine and my show still hasn't started yet. My eight o'clock show. Oh, wow.

And you're supposed to know what you're walking into yeah sure i've handled my career in a reckless manner so really ultimately it's all my fault but um so she comes back hands me a 40 ounce and her and her you know friends that she that she was with they you know the the comedy competition finally ends and they go in and sneak their booze in. I'm standing outside drinking a 40-ounce. You're not supposed to have booze, I guess, without the liquor license. I'm standing behind some hedges like I'm in eighth grade. This is like when I got shit-faced in eighth grade.

Yeah, you had somebody score you the booze, too, like you were. Exactly. I'm standing behind these tall hedges. Cars are pulling into the parking lot and their lights are like hitting the bushes that I'm standing behind. It's like I'm in eighth grade. And then I look over my shoulder and there's a couple in the hotel room looking out at me. They're behind me looking at me standing behind bushes in, look, I know I'm not fucking Jim Carrey or whatever. Louis C.K. selling, you know, 5,000. But come on, for Christ's sake. I just want to work on my shit. It'd be great if somebody caught a shot of you down in the 40-ounce behind the bushes and tweeted it.

That would have been the best. Let me tell you, I drank that thing like it was an iced tea. 40 ounces, it went down. Seriously. It was like a, you know. Do you ever get like a buzz before you go on stage? Like you get like buzzed or you don't want to drink too much?

For the first 10 years or 11 years of my career, I never had a drink before I went on stage, right? And then I was in like Chicago one weekend and I'm looking around and everybody's having a good time

before the show and I go, fuck this. I went to the bar and had a couple drinks and I had a killer set it's really if you know my personality i mean i could use an ambient before i go on you know i mean i'm like a fucking yeah you're fine so i don't some people drink to relax because of their nerve that's not the case i was bored after 11 years of you know everybody's having fun on the weekend so i'm like you're taking it too seriously so i i remember that that night in chicago i i'd never drank a couple times maybe you know uh in boston or whatever when i was a new comic but i always got sloppy so i quit

doing that but uh i had like a killer set the night in chicago and and then i'm like god and and again it takes the edge off my fucking yeah Yeah, but then you start to think, should I do all my shows like this? It gets in your head a little bit. Because even with my podcast, like sometimes I would do it stoned. And then I used to do them all stoned. And then I did one when I wasn't stoned. And I was like, wait a minute. That was actually better.

So then you have this conflict. Like, do I smoke? Well, yeah. I played with it over the years. After the 10-year mark. There were nights when I went out with nine drinks of me. And I listened to myself the next day. And I'm like, oh, I played with it over the years after the 10-year mark. There were nights when I went out with nine drinks of me, and I listened to myself the next day, and I'm like, oh, my God. It sounded like I was at a cookout with my friends.

There was no structure. I mean, I was saying fuck 90 times a minute instead of the usual 30, and I was just sloppy and missing whole chunks of jokes and stuff. But then there were nights where I had a lot of drinks in me that I was so off the rails. And some of it was really funny, just pouring, you know. But it's not a good habit to get into. Yeah, but I'm looking forward to a couple of drunk Nick DiPaolo podcasts too.

Yeah, you know, I also contemplated that when you first talked me into doing this. A couple weeks ago I was thinking, it would be funny if me into doing this a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking it would be funny if I did this with a couple in me every night. I should have put it in the contract that you had to be drunk to do it. We could call it point. The name of the show is point 08 or whatever. He starts throwing up at the 45 minute mark.

Yeah, no, I can, I can hold my booze. My mother's get some Scottish in her. What the fuck that means. I'm sure I'll get calls on that. What are you mad about that? What are you saying? I don't like what he said. But, yeah, so just a horrendous night.

And then the girl goes up before me and does a nice job. This girl, Caitlin, goes up and the crowd stayed from the first show. So this is a Mickey Mouse operation. They turned, a few of them left, but more people came in. But just a total fucking operation.

Yeah, isn't that bad though if they stay? Because like you can only laugh so much. Well, of course it's bad. But the competition was only a half hour long supposedly. But even that, you understand, is way too much. Right. If I could have it like I do it now, I have somebody maybe do 20 minutes in front of me

and then I'll do an hour, an hour and 10 enough of this MC middle act whatever the fuck and then you know you gotta watch a 14 year old go on stage and you have to come out and do your adult act right after a little party might as well have Buddy Epson wheeling up to the hey wasn't he funny that young whippish snapper

but that kid doesn't know what he's getting into so yeah what a weird night so I go on then I'm on for about 5 minutes but that kid doesn't know what he's getting into. But, um, so, um, yeah, what a weird night.

So I go, so I go on, then I'm on for about five minutes, two guys and not young kids. I'm talking in their thirties, maybe forties, two guys in the dark corner of the room, yelling shit out at me two minutes into my act, just talking really loud amongst themselves.

And when I go, guys, you got to lower your voice to fucking say something funny. I go, I'm like, what the fuck am I being punked tonight i drank a heineken in the bushes you could have used the bottle i threw it out and again and and this you know they start yelling shit i go come on you gotta you gotta let me get going here years ago i would have just said get the fuck out i'm trying to teach myself.

You know, I try to be nice. And finally, this big guy comes over who introduced himself to me before the show. He was a friend of Rich Francesi. He's the guy that booked through him. But this guy was a former corrections officer at Sing Sing. Oh, fuck. And he was a big dude. He had gold chain on it.

And he went over. And I don't even know if he was officially the doorman that night. Or just happened to be doing me a favor seriously i still don't know maybe you're a big guy like you feel obligated to jump into any kind of bullshit well yeah and you're and you're a former law enforcement guy so i don't know but anyways he went over and said something to them gave him one more morning and then he came in with another guy from the hotel and those guys left and uh i didn't say anything i usually have a parting shot when people get dry i can't keep gave him one more morning, and then he came in with another guy from the hotel, and those guys left. And I didn't say anything. I usually have a parting shot when people get in trouble.

I can't keep my mouth shut. I have to give him a zinger. But I just said, I want to get the fuck out. You just want to move on. And the crowd was fine, and I got my jokes out. And to be honest with you, the sober crowd is better. They're just more focused. There was a bachelorette party, surprise, surprise, at the show. And you know what?

They were fine. Really? Because that's the one thing I hear from a lot of comics is torture when there's something like that. It's a fucking nightmare. So that was Saturday night. And this is how I keep myself going, folks. I'm an avid sports fan. And I don't know if you're not a sports fan, you can't relate to this,

but it's October. It is the best month in the world if you like sports. Between college football starting up, playoff baseball, the NHL has kicked in. I mean, college football, I love. You know, the NFL, I can tolerate. That'll be a whole

another show. While I'm up in Poughkeepsie i have about nine different things being recorded so i get all the games yes i come home this is my this is my life folks i come home i get out into my man cave put on a college football game my wife's upstairs watching uh you know everybody loves raymond reruns we're three floors apart from each other and i was noticing last time I was here you do the same thing that I do like you because you're recording so many different games

and you don't want to see the score when you turn the television on you hold your arm in front of the television to find the menu so you don't see the score I do the same fucking thing there's gotta be well you had a good idea Rob for that I wasn't tell the people well it was kind

of a half-assed it was one of those concepts without the finish the finish to it but there's got to be a way like my career that if you market sports that you're recording sports that it would not change to the channel or like when you first turn the tv on it says do you want to view what's on right because i would do that all the time with the fucking hockey game and i would get to an angle of the television right where i could kind of see if it was the game but not the score and something happens the sound will come on and they'll blow it and rose will be like rain just suck again tonight and that'll be the end of it yeah so you people at home who aren't sports fans you have no idea what the fuck we're talking about but if you're recording a game or two and

you come home and you have to turn the tv on that you're going to see the game right away the score it's going to give it away of whatever that's why I got a wife what I do and this is true there's many nights I'm driving home from the comedy cellar I'll call ahead of time

and go honey she knows how to work it she knows she programmed half the shit I go find the find the Red Sox game or whatever and just

chew it up for me alright so I can come in and just fucking isn't that sweet and then I go now get it back in your room see I got to do that it's a pork chop i'm gonna learn i'm gonna learn from you yeah no let's uh i'm gonna call my fucking wife right now but why

why wouldn't why wouldn't they think of something like that i know and it's it was something and it's always because when you're recording the game it's no big deal but then you forget that you set to record like some kind of fucking episode of lockdown prison or some shit and it changes the channel because they're recording on both right i like a lot of prison shows i watch a lot of prison what are you kidding me lock up i can actually do dialogue from lock up and by the way can i make it yeah i want a little op-ed right now you people that do lock up you producers and the people behind the scenes stay the fuck off camera yes thank you nobody wants to see you everybody has to be on camera now the producer some 52 year old lady who you

know writes the fucking ground we don't want to hear from you and she's like we got in the prisoners were very violent yes they were just show me the goddamn violence yeah well i want to see exactly i mean it's the reason the show is a hit is because there's nothing more interesting than prison life oh it's a bunch of cycles i don't want to hear from this fucking 22 year old producer and then i am you know after i finish the graphics we talk to the rape artist yeah yeah you know what like i've been watching so much of it though yeah like i can't stop because there's marathons like for some reason they have no programming so they just run oh and i watch them dude i watch them all so i'm going to sleep like with images of guys and spit masks and shit oh absolutely no it's fascinating yeah i can't

stop i i've i've actually sat through a marathon i've seen before this is why this is how i know i'm not a real man i'm just a fucking loser watch this honey here's the part here's the part it's not it started at 9 p.m okay it's 4 30 in the morning and i'm still up watching my 17th lockup i'm just fascinated with it i i one time i fell asleep and i woke up on the couch and i opened my eyes and a guy was throwing feces right when i woke up i was like it's time to go to bed it's time that happened to me but i was at a fraternity party and uh it was no dream so uh that's what i did. So I come home. I recorded all that shit while I'm up in Poughkeepsie.

I come home. I watch. Honest to God, this is the truth. I watch the whole Notre Dame. Obviously, you can fast forward when you record stuff through the commercial, but it still takes a while. I watch the whole Ohio State Northwestern game and the second half of the Stanford Washington game. Okay. And then I force myself to go to bed.

It's like 3.30. I get up Sunday morning. I watch the whole Notre Dame-Arizona State football game. I watch the rest of the Bruins game, two periods. And then I watch Meet the Press, okay? I mean, Stephen Hawking burned more calories than I did on Sunday. But that's the only thing I have to look forward to. It's fucking great. I agree with you. I'd never leave the house. The fact that I'm thing I have to look forward to. It's fucking great.

I agree with you. I'd never leave the house. The fact that I'm here should be a shock to you. No, I'm glad you're here. I'm not shocked at all. I knew you were going to run up here. And come on, my Red Sox, if I'm going to talk sports. Right now, folks, we're recording this on a Thursday night.

So the A's and the Tigers are facing off tonight to see who plays my American League East Boston Red Sox. And to see if they'll be good enough to play my Los Angeles Dodgers. Wait a minute. What do you mean your Dodgers? I'm a Dodger fan. I have to say, I have to be honest. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. When did the fact that after they made the deal with the Red Sox?

No, since I was a kid. My father was a Brooklyn Dodger fan. Oh, you're an old Jew from the early 20s. Yeah, well, that's the Jew part. But yeah, like my father's a Dodger fan, so I would always watch the Dodgers with him. And then he fucking became a traitor and started watching the Mets.

And I'm like, Dad, you just, you abandoned me. Well, it would be ironic if my Red Sox faced off against your Dodgers, seeing as last year, that big swap, the Red Sox, the Dodgers did the Red Sox a favor and took all these overpaid fat jerk offs that ruined our season last year and took a load. It allowed the Red Sox to sign all these gritty ballplayers.

And it's so funny because over the winter, they were saying, you know, they finished last place last year, 69 or whatever. You know, you know, they finished last place, last year, 69 or whatever. You know the whole story. And the whole marketing thing on the New England Sports Channel was, we have a different attitude. All this marketing shit, I go, yeah, okay. If they finish third or fourth, we'll be lucky. They have executed everything they said on those goddamn commercials.

They brought in John Farrell, a real, we actually had to trade for him to get him the manager. But the guys like Johnny Gomes,rell, a real, we actually had a trade for him to get him the manager. But the guys like Johnny Gomes, and you know, we have Pedroia, but these guys, these, I mean, Will Middlebrooks and Salta Lamacchia, just, and Shane

Victorino, who I was in love with when he was with the Phillies. So anyways, bottom line is, we went from worst to first. We are in the American League Championship Series, either taking on the fucking Tigers or the Oakland A's. And that's a tough one. Here's what you have to decide if you're a Red Sox fan. Do you want to face the Tigers pitching staff of Scherzer and Verlander?

Two, I mean, just the best pitchers in baseball. Lights out. Or do you want to travel all the way to frickin' Oakland? And how about this? What if it is Oakland? And we have to go back and forth from Boston to Oakland, crisscross that country, and what do you say? And let's say we win and we have to face the Dodgers.

Then you're going to crisscross the country. That's true. But then again, Oakland's got to go back and forth, too. Well, no, I know that. Fuck, I don't think about their feelings. Who gives a shit about them? Well, you know, it's kind of even and odd. But I got to say this. As a hockey, you know, it's kind of even enough. But I gotta say this, like,

as a hockey, like, hockey and football are my two favorite sports. Yeah. Regular season baseball, I don't know, there's something about it just bores me. Like, I try so hard to get into it. Yeah. Especially, it sucks if you're a Dodger fan, the game starts at 10.30. It's rough, man,

when, like, you... Well, you gotta DBR that shit, son. I know. And then you find out the next day. Yeah, you can't. There's no way you can get away from it. That's why you shouldn't be a Dodgers fan living in New York. Let that Dodgers thing go, will you? Never. What year did they leave Brooklyn? Do I look like one of those assholes that abandons their team like that? Well, you were a fetus when they

fucking won the East Coast. You weren't even born. What am I saying? Right? Yeah, no, I wasn't. It's true. When did they leave? Right after Howard Cosell moved into Bay Ridge. No, I forget. I was reading the Howard Cosell book. He was a huge Dodgers fan as a kid.

And I just love him. I don't know. But like it's only playoff baseball. Like I watch and I get into. But regular season, I just can't. Like you have to watch him like a fucking hockey game. Even a regular season hockey game is crazy. It's hard. It's hard.

They take three and a half hours. And as soon as it gets exciting, they got to switch the pitcher. But you know what? That wasn't true for me this year because the Red Sox was such a calamity last year. And it was an anomaly. I mean, they've been a great team for a long time. But I was so fascinated to see the changes they made and how this new GM, if he could handle it.

And holy shit, they have been doing everything right from the bullpen. Who's this Yui Hara guy? This Japanese guy, I'd never heard of him. I guess he was with the Rangers for a few years. Weighs about 106 grams, soaking wet. He throws... Oh, the studio phone's ringing. I'm trying to record!

Mom! take it easy lower it I'm not going to lower it I have to do this now I don't mind you playing it but lower it I should have put in the notes to shut the phone off

Jesus Christ look at this nobody ever calls back and hangs up and calls right back except for Colin Quinn Let the fucking thing ring It's the beauty

Of working on you I feel like a single mom Working out of her house Three fucking kids I can make $300 a week Working from home Wouldn't you like To make more money

Yeah I want to contribute So yeah So let's hope That you're dodges In my red socks Yeah that'd be nice We have to get

A little wager going. Oh, I don't wager. That's illegal. Didn't you know about that? Well, a friendly one. No, I'm a wager. All right, there you go. Trust me.

I put a wager up with a guy that runs the side splitters in Tampa. He's a Staten Island guy. Bobby Jewell is his name. And this is before the football season kicked off. He's a big Giants fan or whatever. First of all, I sat there in his house watching the Red Sox kick the shit out of the Yankees on Fox like a couple months ago. While he's sitting there?

He was miserable. But he takes a $100 bill and he tears it up. And it was a bet. Who has a better record, the Indians or the Patriots or the Giants? Oh, that's over and over. And the next time we see each other, whoever's right, you get the $100, The other half of the bill Or whatever the fuck

But he texts me Like a couple weeks ago Going do you want Your money now Because the Giants Are fucking the worst Team in football Yeah terrible

Well my team's The second worst I'm a Steeler fan And they're fucking All in four Wait I don't like this That you being from New York And you're a Dodgers

And a Steelers I don't get that People never do get I am a Ranger And a Knick fan Now as far as But it's just the way it is You know why Because when I was When i was young and impressionable yeah like maybe like

six seven years old and kids are starting to get into sports that's when the steelers were winning all the super bowls and they were always on television that's what i'm saying you sound like a front runner motherfucker i'm not now they had a lot of shit years in there too a lot of shit yeah i know if i was A lot of shit years. I know. If I was a front runner, I would be a fucking Ranger fan. They stink. Let me tell you about New York. And don't get mad at me, New Yorkers, because I live here and I love you. But other than the Yankees, you are a shit sports town.

The Knicks, first of all, you have two of everything. You've got two baseball teams, two basketball teams. And they suck. And they all suck. Other than the Yankees. I mean, the M mets have sucked for so long and then the knicks you're supposed to be the mecca of basketball you've been a fucking embarrassment and um then hockey the last time anybody was any good was the islanders i mean

the ranges in 93 got lucky but i mean think about this all these teams oh i didn't get lucky let's let's slow down they were were dominant. Oh my god. Dominant my ass. They gave up nine goals in the last game. Wait a minute. Dominant. Wasn't there a game seven against the Devils that year? Messier? Yeah. And he dominated.

Don't forget who you're arguing with. I had a sports show by three minutes. Remember? Let's talk a little entertainment, Rob. All right. Right? I mean, we've hit this

whole sports thing. I can't wait. I'm recording right now the Tigers A's. So as you're making your long commute home after a 19-hour day. Yeah, you'll be laying here

watching the fucking baseball game. You put in hours like a 12-year-old Taiwanese working at a sneaker factory. I'll be watching the ball game to see who the unlucky bastards are that are going to face the 2013 Boston Red Sox. I've got to be honest with you.

I've been following all the National League and American League playoffs. Like I said, I record everything. And I've got to be honest right now. The Red Sox, not everybody left. They get bullpen. They get speed on the base pass, timely hitting. The starting rotation has been great. And offensively, they were the best team in baseball.

But you don't have a pitcher that looks like a fucking asshole like we do with the long beard and the mojo. Oh, Brian Wilson? I love that look. What a fucking weirdo. I love that. I do, but I just look at him like, what are you, asshole? Just shave it off.

Nah, I like that. Every time I look at him, it reminds me of going down on a Greek girl in junior high school. But the guy that makes me nuts is that Rodney, Fernando Rodney with his crooked hat. You want to be a pitcher or a crip, okay? Come on, straighten your head, Mama Luke. Anyways, let's talk a little

johnny carson man johnny carson has been in the news uh the last couple days and um yeah one article after another yeah both stories actually uh mention gunplay. That's kind of funny. Did you notice that? Yeah, who would have made that connection? He was kind of a wild guy, Johnny. You're working that board man already. I love it.

I'm like Fred Norris over here. You're slamming that glass of authority. But a couple days ago, there was a story about Johnny Carson. His second wife, Joanne, this is when the Tonight Show was still in New York City. She's the one that took all his fucking money, too. He had like three wives named Joanne, Joan, and it was a running joke. Seriously. And the second one was, yeah, the show was still here in New York City,

the Tonight Show show which is going to be again soon and um apparently his wife was running around behind his back she had a place of her own here in the city an apartment of her own and um so she had a goomba yeah exactly yeah you said they're like a real feminist like it's's actually allowable. I don't like it. Only guys can do that shit. But Johnny got wind that his wife was fucking around and he hired a private eye. And the private eye showed up and said, well, what's going on? He goes, well, I think she's fucking Frank Gifford. Get out of here.

Frank Gifford, who was a handsome. I mean, he had movie star good looks. He played like three different positions for the New York Giants. He was a football stud. And so Johnny, the private eye, I guess the guy who, he wrote a book. He's either a lawyer or a private eye that did this. But he said he showed up that day and Johnny was really upset and said, yeah, I think she's fucking Frank Gifford. And Johnny opened his jacket and had a loaded gun. He had a gun on him.

And even the fucking private eye was like, holy shit. This guy means business. So they break into her apartment when she's not home, you know. And sure enough, there's pictures of Frank Gifford in frames all over her apartment. Oh, my God. All over her apartment. Oh, my God. Yeah.

But even Johnny Constable with a gun doesn't sound threatening to me. Why is that? Anybody. What is is that i don't get that logic i just can't see him like toting a gun it doesn't even make it's like you would just have figured that you would take it out you just wouldn't know how to use it well i can see you saying that about jimmy fallon but johnny carson was a hard drinking midwesterner you know i guess anybody with a gun's a threat i mean you're an 11 year old niece you know i mean you'd have to fucking break actually does own a gun's a threat. I mean, you're an 11-year-old niece. You know what I mean? You'd have to fucking break her up. She actually does own a gun. How did you know that?

So, but Johnny, and it's funny you mentioned the gun thing, because I remember a story a long time ago about, this is when he was still on The Tonight Show, that he was at a red light, and somebody was giving him some guff in L.A., and he held up a gun. Well, he was at the... No shit.

Yes. He used to hit it pretty hard this sauce so uh i like the fact that he had a little bit of a edge to him but yeah so his second wife is like fucking frank gifford dirty whore it's gonna suck so he gets he gets pissed and and um that was that story that was two days ago. Then yesterday, it comes out. Another Johnny Carr story, again, because of this book that's coming out, obviously. But Johnny used to hang out at Jilly's place on 52nd and 8th. That's Frank's place. Frank Sinatra's place.

Jilly, give me a shot. Wow, that was the worst Sinatra. Who are you doing, Nancy Sinatra? That was fucking horrendous. Oh, my God. I just want to sum up that impression you just did, okay? Cock-a-boo-boo, boo-boo, beep-beep. That was

horrendous. So anyways, yeah, Jilly's. Frank's place. Do the impression again. Go ahead, Rob. Jilly, give me a shot. You sounded like a 90-year-old bring that broad over here, Jilly. Give me a shot. You sound like a 90-year-old. Bring that broad over here, Jilly. Give me a shot.

You sound like a 90-year-old in a doctor's office. I'm shitting my pants. I got to blow. Give me a shot, Jilly. Yeah, so it turns out. What were you talking about? He goes to Jilly's place, and he starts hitting on some hot brunette at the bar and doesn't realize it's some connected guy's girlfriend.

Good job. The connected guy comes in and didn't give a shit if it was Johnny Carson or John F. Kennedy. Him and a couple of his goons pick Johnny up. I'm sure Johnny must have got a little malty. They picked him up and threw him down the stairs. They threw him down a flight of stairs. That's how they roll. Yeah, that's how they roll.

Not to be surprised. Like he was going to go, excuse me, I heard you were hitting on my girlfriend. I'm so sorry, but we have a relationship right now. She's taken. Please, please don't do that again. I can appreciate you find her attractive. No, it's like, here, come here, you little fucking skinny fuck. And throws Johnny down the stairs.

And that wasn't enough, apparently. This guy wanted to have Johnny whacked. Oh, man. That's a high profile whacking absolutely i mean uh you know very high pro if they're playing this way at your funeral roll out the casket there he goes j Jilly. Here's dead Johnny. So they want to have him whacked. Okay. Seriously.

So now Johnny gets word of this and he's holed up in the Plaza Hotel. I guess he had the whole floor to himself. Like that would stop it. The way. Well, it would make a little difference. No, exactly. Exactly. Some guy named Vinny dresses up like a doorman.

Yeah, he's doing. Room service. Mr. Carson. Yeah, room dresses up like a doorman. Yeah, how you doing? Room service. Mr. Carson. Yeah, room service. I got your pancakes. I got your pancakes. Lead blueberries. For three days, he was held up in the Plaza Hotel knowing that they fucking... And apparently, somebody at NBC, a bigwig, got the brainstorming and said,

how do we get out of this? And they called Joe Colombo, who was, he started the Italian Anti-Defamation League and all that shit, right? But it wasn't getting any ink. Nobody was paying attention to it, which, by the way, is discriminatory. You don't hear me whining, do you? You fucking Native Americans. I'll get to you in a few minutes.

And your red skin problem um so uh yeah so they joe colombo gets involved okay joe colombo and uh the nbc network says look we'll cover you he was he was gonna do one of those protests or whatever we're gonna cover that and you know you call off the we'll make it national news and if you, you know, spare Johnny. Isn't that unbelievable? All over a little bit of pussy. That's where I, that's where I, you know,

that's when you know mafia guys are scummish. I mean, the guy didn't, come on, it's like, what the fuck? Like Carson knew that was your girlfriend? Yeah, but I also think though,

I understand throwing down the stairs, but after that. Yeah, well, that's, you know, that makes sense. But don't you think if they really wanted to kill him, don't you think it wouldn't have gone in three days?

Especially considering, like, if that happens, those guys rage out. You don't think within a day he would have been done. Well, yeah, but Rob, then it's too obvious. You know what I mean? You got to give it a little time to breathe, don't you? Since when do they care about obvious? Huh? Since when do they care?

What do you mean? They're not dumb. They got everybody paid. Yeah, but I mean, it was kind of, I think it was out in public that Johnny had hit on, it would have been a little too obvious. You know what I mean? Wait until he moves the show to the West Coast, then get him. Get him, cut him out of, you know.

Makes sense. Cut him out of the Burbank parking lot or whatever. It's so funny NBC has to negotiate his way out of a mob. Isn't that fucking hilarious? Isn't that, you got a peacock trying to save your life um so that that i thought that was pretty fascinating but johnny was always getting in trouble over there and that's where yeah sinatra and dean and all the boys hung out over there yeah i like i like all the sinatra when he was you know he didn't have much of a voice left so all he was doing was kind of playing the mobster

role yes like you know he was gone like he would talk his lyrics he wouldn't have much of a voice left, so all he was doing was kind of playing the mobster role. Yes. He was gone. He would talk his lyrics. He wouldn't even sing it anymore. He'd be like, by the way, and that would be it. He'd get it out quick because he'd be out of breath. The older Sinatra is my favorite.

Yeah, but you say he's like a mobster, but it's very hard to get scared over a capo in an adult diaper. I think I shit my pants, Billy. But yeah, that could have been lights out for Johnny. You got to be careful. Always the smoking broads. You should always know. I went to the Raccoon Lodge years ago when I first moved to New York. And there's a smoking bartender behind there.

Is it a real Raccoon Lodge? Yeah, the one that Ralph Cramden used to hang out in. No, I don't know. I didn't know it was a real one. No, it one that uh ralph cramden used to hang out no i don't know yeah i didn't know there was a real one no it was the name of a bar on the upper west it would have been awesome if you had to wear the raccoon hat yeah it would have been robbed we'll get that out in a few minutes i uh so i go in and i'm hitting on the bartender she's like real good looking bro and then uh she goes i got a boyfriend he's kind of famous that's what she says i go who the fuck is he? She's like teasing me.

She goes over and gets his picture. I see this picture on the register at the time. Brings it over. Tommy Hearns, the boxer. Oh, great. Tommy Hitman, the Motor City Madman. Of course. Tommy Hitman Hearns.

It's never called Sagan unless somebody you can take. It's always some fucking big dude. Tommy Hearns. This guy. I mean, this is a little after his prime, but I'm pretty sure he could have killed me. And I'm like, oh, that little puss, huh? You got to be careful. So, yeah, who are you hitting on?

But throw the guy down the stairs. I think that was enough, you know? Yeah, I think that sends a message. But I guess not. They got what they wanted. Maybe they figured they could get something out of it. Yeah, Johnny's Johnny's a wild guy

And he's gone now He's gone Nothing we can do about it That's back in the days Where you know Men were men Women were afraid of them The way it was meant to be

Rob I wish I wish those times were back I want to actually Throw my wife down the stairs No No no no Just to send a message.

Nothing crazy. What message is that? Nothing crazy. What message is that? Just to reestablish the hierarchy in the house. For no other reason than that. But that's my point. See, now a guy throws his wife down the stairs today,

the fucking stairs are carpeted. Nobody gets around. Yeah, that's true. But yeah, we're living in politically correct times, and you know what sets me off. This was in the paper a couple days ago. Long Island Middle School, Port Washington. Is that a town?

Yeah, it is. Yeah. Anyways, they're banning footballs and baseballs and soccer balls and stuff like that from recess because kids could get hurt. Give me a fucking break. Apparently the playground, it's not the whole city, the playground is being reconstructed so the kids are in a more confined space

or whatever and they could get hit with a ball. But the point, you're supposed to get hit with a ball when you're a fucking kid. No, that's exactly right. I mean, they're trying to make the world a risk-free place life is not risk-free and it's always abroad i'm sorry but it's not totally uh abroad's fault it's you know a litigious society between you know the fucking lawyers and this chick mentality this is what they're literally banning balls i said that on twitter yeah which is much funnier on twitter and it's in 140 characters but they literally banning balls. I said that on Twitter. Yeah. Which is much funnier on Twitter when it's in 140 characters. But they're banning balls, Rob, really.

I mean, so what the fuck? But like, what do they expect the kids to do then? Then they're going to wind up fighting because they've got nothing else to get their aggression out. Let me read from the book of Leviticus. Yeah, let me hear this bullshit. Let me read from the New Testament. Yeah. They're banning footballs, baseballs, soccer balls, lacrosse balls.

How many middle schools are whipping around lacrosse balls? And any other hard balls that could injure a child, including the ones of a guy looking through a fence with a trench coat on. Well, is a soccer ball considered a hard ball? Well, yeah. No. Come on. This is the times we're living in.

Also off limits. Rough games of tag. That's what it says. I'm reading from the article. Rough games of tag. That's what it says. I'm reading from the article. Rough games of tag. Fucking, it's called tag. It's not called fucking fracture. I've never played rough tag

where they punch you in the face and say you're it. It's called tag. You put your hand on somebody's shoulder and go, you're it, faggot. And then, by the way, that's like the,

tag is like the gayest thing you could play as a kid. Like, so. This is Long Island. I don't know. Rough games of tag tag cartwheels honest to god cartwheels unless an adult supervisor is on hand okay that i'm sorry and ladies please i mean i'm disrespectful that that that train of thought could not come from a guy no no way not in a zillion year but we have let you push us to this point so i mean ultimately we're at fault how can you live in a zillion years but we have let you push us to this point so i mean ultimately

we're at fault how can you live in a society this fucking feminized you have to have a supervisor to do a cartwheel but let me ask you because if you're doing a cartwheel and you're gonna get hurt you're still gonna get fucking hurt when somebody's watching you and rob it's a great point i brought it up to the president today you did what do you say and uh well um but you know what's funny about that it's kind of ironic that you bring that up because in fourth grade i was in third my sister was in fourth same school my sister breaks her leg at recess during a car i swear to god and then she went on to break it three more times and they finally x-rayed it and found out there was a hole she was born with a hole in her tibia oh so it kept cracking every break well wouldn't they x-rayed it after the first break though

i can't remember if i might have the doctors you're going i might have well one of them had a bone through his nose i would spit on it to make it fit there he was rubbing chicken blood on her tits wasn't a good doctor but um um yeah can't remember. They found out maybe after the first time. That might have been the last time she broke it, whatever. But she was doing a cartwheel, by the way, at reset. And broke it. So maybe not too far. No, your point is well taken.

Even if somebody's there watching, it's still going to break, isn't it? Yeah, you're still going to get hurt. But just think about this. People are losing it, man, you know? Yeah, I got a foul tip in the eyeball, and it made me a man. No, exactly. I got hit by a car when I was 11 years old. No shit.

In a hospital for a week. Where? Did it come on the sidewalk and hit you? Yes, it did almost. I was literally two or three inches from the curb. The lady was high. There was weed in her car. I was riding a bike.

Let's not be judgmental about it. Oh, I hit a nerve of the weed thing? No, I'm just kidding. I was riding a bike. This is what saved me. I'm not shitting you. I was pedaling a bike with no, the seat came off my bike the day before. And I went down the park to hang out with my friends.

I said to my sister, I'm going to go get changed for something to get a submarine sandwich. I was riding a bike with no seat on it. So I was standing up. And I crossed this busy street. And next thing you know, and this is true. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the middle of the street. Don't even know and this is true next thing i know i'm waking up in the middle of the street no don't even remember what i went into shock i guess i wake up i'm laying on my back and there's three ladies looking over me and they like have like

veils on their face and i'm going what the fuck is going on and i feel the sharp pain in my back and my legs i turned to look at my bike next to me crumpled into like half the size of wow she hit it hard she hit it hard she came up and hit me from behind. And they said, turns out a friend of mine, Kevin Gaffney, saw the whole thing out his window of his house. She hit me from behind. I did a flip up onto the hood. I broke the windshield with my head. Oh, my God.

She skidded 160 feet and I rolled off the hood onto the street. And I don't even remember any of it just remember them loading me into an ambulance hitting the hood of the car probably saved your ass too and if i wasn't standing up she would have went they said i would have went under the car yeah that would have been and she had like weed in the car and she's open my dad shows up and her boyfriend gets in my father's face my dad shows up not knowing whether i'm alive or not just all he sees he sees me being loaded into an ambulance and this guy with a leather jacket gets my old man's face going wasn't her fucking fault

the car's a light that's what he said to my oh my my father tries to go after the guy and my friend said there were three cops that had my dad around the waist yeah and he's trying to get out this greasy head fuck and this is how good a guy my old man is. We found out who the lady was. She lived about a mile from us. She was a single mom with like a retarded child. And, you know, she had no means of whatever. So my dad let it go, which really means he doesn't love me. But I was in high school for a fucking week.

And, you know, this broad hit another friend of mine a year later. See, now that's why you don't want to let it go. No, exactly. Yeah. We're advocating vigilantism. My dad was doing a nice thing, you know. But, yeah, so I don't know how we get on to that subject. You have to do cartwheels and a fucking.

Yeah. But according to these, you know, these school superintendents, it's just as dangerous to do a cartwheel as to ride a bike with no seat. It's really getting ridiculous. Like, what are the kids supposed to play then they can't play tag they can't cartwheel they can't play with balls again you know i just used a lawyer so i i don't hate lawyers okay i'm like everybody else until you need one yeah right but i want you guys to go and get a book it's called the death of common sense by philip k howard i read it probably 12 15 years ago and it's as relevant today, more relevant.

And what is it about that? It's about the law system, about this death of common sense, that everybody's suing everybody. Nobody uses any common sense anymore. Some kid pulls out a Tootsie Roll that's shaped like a gun, so they kick him out of school.

I mean, it's that type of shit. Yeah, that's bad. I could get maybe the school thing to a point, like with guns really really after what i just said a tootsie roll shaped like a gun no like i can get what that's what i'm talking about i get what they're paranoid about i can't i fucking can't okay again what do they do they kick them out of the point you point your finger like this and it can get a kid suspended and that's it that's all he did all right you shouldn't be suspended that's what i'm saying but but but again it's all it's because of and the same with this with the no throwing balls at recess and shit that's all about being sued some kid's gonna get hit and his parents are

gonna sue you that's what it's about and this book uh death of common sense by philip k howard says the law is there to serve us. We're not supposed to serve the law. Read the book. You'll be amazed at what. You know, I'm always the reason you have a label on a plastic bag that says don't put over your head, hit the dry can. Yes, yeah. Do you see what I'm saying?

That's what they mean by the death of common sense. But somewhere in America, there's a fucking moron that put a bag over his head and that forced them to do that that's right yeah and you know what that's a good thing yeah let him go because he was a man i agree let him go thinning the herd rob every time i see one of those the first thing i think is you can imagine like somebody must have did that of course they did like the silica gel do not eat well refrigerators now you buy a refrigerator it says do not place on back because some guy i'm not kidding you some guy do you remember this you can google this or look it up on youtube some some like bodybuilder was in some race those strongman competitions and one of them was a refrigerator race where you put a refrigerator

on your back and they try to race like 20 yards his knees blew out it was right on camera well that's what you get but but now you have to label them it's great don't race with her but do you see my point oh because the lawyers yeah i mean because you know it's to protect everything it's way too litigious it's it's fucking crazy and you combine that with the uh t-balling of america and this is what you get so um yeah can i mention the broad name the superintendent yeah yeah i'm sure she would love to be called abroad yeah broad is not a derogatory term. No, it's a compliment. I agree.

No, it is. If you talk to real feminists, they don't have a problem with it. Even Chicken Babe, that might be another thing. Twat, they don't like either. I noticed Twat. Yeah, I don't know why, though. I don't know what the fuck her name is. But, you know, you go to the comment section after an article like this, and people are actually trying to...

Most people are like, that's silly. You got to let kids be kids. They're going to get hurt. But there's always a few. Your soccer moms. There's always a few. I don't think kids should have their fun pastimes discontinued, but head trauma can be serious, said Marilyn Decker on Facebook. Stay the fuck on Facebook, Marilyn.

She already has head trauma already. That's the problem. Exactly. She said that as she was drooling ice cream from the corner of her mouth. I mean, come on. Anyways. I fell out of a fucking dumpster and landed on my skull when I was a kid. Did you? What are you doing in a dumpster? This is how stupid we were. It was a big,

empty dumpster and we were skating in it with our roller skates back and forth because there was no hockey. We couldn't play hockey because all the cars were in the street. It was a big empty dumpster. So our brilliant decision was let's all get inside the dumpster and skate back and forth inside the dumpster. It was one of those big ones.

And we were getting out because somebody was coming. And so we're like, get out, get out, get out. And I'm climbing over the dumpster and the kid behind me pushed me. And I fell over and landed right on my head. Had a similar thing too. No shit, really? Got stitches, yeah. Frankie Consoli, my buddy.

I'm on his porch. It was about, I don't know, six, seven feet off the ground, his front porch, a wooden thing. I'm on my belly looking over the edge. Grabs my feet and pushes me over. Motherfuckers. And I had a dent to my head. My mother fucking freaked out. And she saw me get stitches all the time.

But I had a flat spot where I landed. No shit. And it came back. It was like denting a Coke can. It popped back out. I got this Frankenstein scar up here, too. I didn't even notice that. That's from when I fell. I was too focused on your bad haircut.

I fell down a flight of stairs. Did you really? And landed on that when I was a kid. So what do you think? Head trauma is the way I like to go. Put on a helmet like the rest of the fucking idiots in this country. What do you think the bad haircut is?

Do you ride a bike? Would you wear a helmet today? Fuck no. Everybody else does. No, I don't. I'm in the woods of Westchester, okay? Like on a bike path four miles into the woods and there's a guy coming at me like in his 40s

with a helmet on. No. No way. What's going to happen? If you're off-road mountain biking like crazy shit then maybe. Maybe.

But when we went to buy bikes my wife and other guys like hey, you want some helmets? I'm like I want a fucking helmet. I'm not going to wear a helmet. I'd rather be dead. I know.

I don't want to die of embarrassment. I'm going to be hit by a cement truck. But a fucking helmet that's a solution to everything today. Again, that's because of lawyers, though, you know?

Yeah, they fuck it all up. Well, our president, he wears a helmet. I know you're a fan. Look, I don't, I'm not nuts, you know? He seems like a nice, I'll tell you, when you listen to him talk, I want to like him, you know? That's not the point. And I'd rather hang out with him. People used to go, oh, I'd rather hang.

George W. Bush seems like a type of guy you'd hang out with. I never felt that way. I'd rather hang out with, like, Obama, shoot hoops and smoke a gun. But, no, he's just in over his head. And the fact that nobody will admit that makes me sick to my stomach. But my point is he wears a helmet when he's on vacation riding bikes. Remember they show him? Yeah, I did see that picture yeah that's that was rough and like the forced photo of him shooting a gun was another one that always like bothered me a little bit the shooting all of a sudden here's a photo of him that's what i'm saying all presidents do that

horseshit but he's on a bike like in martha's vineyard with a helmet on right and like a little windbreaker put a propeller on his mother-in-law's jeans. And they put it next to a picture of Putin on the internet. Putin with no shirt on and a rifle on a horse. It was the funniest thing I ever seen. It's a big difference. But, you know, it's just, I can't thank it. The political correctness.

And there's a whole generation that's bought into this shit, you know? I mean, the last few nights on stage, I can't get through my act without somebody debating or raising their hand, you know? Doing a thing about illegal immigrants. I wasn't even, I just used the term illegal immigrant the other night on stage. Not even in a derogatory way. Right, and it does exist. There are illegal immigrants. I just mentioned it, and I see this girl shuffling her seat,

and she whispered something to her boyfriend real loud, and she goes, I'm gonna make an issue of this. I go, you're gonna make an issue of what? Yeah, what's the issue? I was talking about those roadside memorials that you see along the road, you know, and I said, I saw this huge one, they're getting really elaborate, and yonkers,

it looked like a piñata hanging out of a maple tree. I go, apparently a van full of illegals tipped over. That's all I said. I'm not saying I'm against for. I'm just saying. And she fucking, she starts yelling shit out. She was a young Hispanic chick. This is what I'm talking about, though.

This politically correct course shit, you know, doesn't come from my side of the fucking aisle. And you've told me you get that a lot in New York City of all places, which is, it surprises me. Now, I got to process that. How does that surprise you? me you get that a lot in new york city of all places which is it surprises me now i gotta process that how does that surprise you and the most liberal political correctness comes from the left that you have to understand first right would you agree with that statement i would sure with with race and gender it's it's the far left absolutely i'd say it's a mainstream left not just the far left and and so why that's you shouldn't be surprised i mean it's like plus i'm doing the comedy seller on the campus of nyu they behave pretty much down there those kids know i'm you know they know my politics

but but but like this place to stand on the lower east side i mean every night somebody gets their nose bent on a joint and and and this girl gets all fucking huffy and i go you don't even know why you're mad i go did i say anything derogatory why go to a fucking comedy i don't understand this why go to a comedy show and then be oh my god i was offended like this is we've had this conversation between the michael richards and everybody else like maybe michael Richards, maybe that was, I can get why people misconstrued it. That was a little different. And it's never something that they say off stage though.

Like it's always something that they say on stage doing a fucking act. That's what, that infuriates me. Yeah. You know? Well then people say, well, you know,

you can't say, you can't use that as an excuse. I was just joking. People always say that, but yeah, I can actually. Yeah. And I will. I've done it many a time. Yeah. No excuse. I was just joking. People always say that, but yeah, I can actually, and I will. I've done it many a time. Yeah, because I am.

But where does it all stop? And this leads me to probably a final topic for the night because Rob's been up since, you know, he's going on Hour 22. I'm sorry. But the whole Redskins thing with the NFL and the name of the Redskins is that racist. And I've been ignoring this for a couple of years. And I give them credit because they've been standing strong on this. Because when they first said it, they didn't back down from it.

And I'm glad. Who? The Redskins. Okay, you're saying you have to clarify. I thought you meant the Indian nation was standing strong. No, no, no, no, no. The Redskins because, come on, give me a – go ahead, read this. I'm getting aggravated.

No, I'm just saying I try to ignore it because I'm just so tired of it. And you're right. The owner, Snyder, who's a rich little yuppie or whatever who um he you know he's the owner of the team and he did say i'm not i'm never going to change he's backed off in that position a little bit he says look i respect but every poll they've done every poll even native americans nine out of ten of them aren't bothered by this they could give two you get the united nation who's bothered by it and And nine out of ten of Americans don't give a shit. They said they should keep it. Every poll

you do. So then there's this mentality. But if you're just offending. Roger Goodell actually said this. If one person is offended we should listen to that person. Okay. Well, you know what? I'm Italian. I was offended by Jersey Shore. That thing's been on a fucking loop for the last four years. Could you depict

us anymore in a derogatory way i was how why is it you know i mean why why have my feelings oh you're a white european man we don't give a fuck you're the last bastion we can make fun of right okay and i understand the indians being you know but but i'm sorry you're outnumbered here it is used in a positive way it's not meant as a slur. Okay. Right. And, um,

well, president Obama weighed in on it. Okay. Please take the right way. Um, yeah. What are the odds? He's going to agree with me on this one,

but this is, this is what he had to say. Obviously people get pretty attached to, uh, team names, mascots. Uh, you know,

I don't think there are any Redskins fans that mean offense. End of discussion. I've got to say, if I were the owner of the team, and I knew that there was a name of my team, even if it had a storied history that was offending a sizable group of people, I'd think about changing it. If I had your approval people, I'd think about changing it. Yeah, if I had your approval ratings, I'd think about changing my name.

Oh, my God. I'm sure a lot of people are offended by his middle name who lost people in the Iraqi war. You see what I'm saying? Where do you want to take this? At what point? Why are some people's feelings more valid than other people's? More importantly, why does he even have to comment?

Why can't he just say, hey, look, that's between the team now why does he have to weigh in why do you have to comment on fucking every he weighs in when it's uh when um yeah he didn't weigh in when the white kid jogging was shot in the back for nothing yeah he was he could have really stepped maybe he didn't i missed it but he could have stepped in and and really healed the nation at that point or something like but look, I see what he's saying. But here's my point. Okay, folks. And this is for people who come out to comedy clubs and get upset.

You don't have the right not to be offended. Do you understand? That right doesn't exist anywhere. You don't have the right not to be offended. Okay? We're all offended. We seem to be giving more weight to people's feelings to certain groups than others right all right either have it for everybody

or just shut the fuck up okay most native americans aren't bothered by this okay so that tells me it's not like there's a zillion native americans and again that's a different story they have a point there but well that's what this is all about me it's not like there's a zillion Native Americans. And again, that's a different story. They have a point there. Well, that's what this is all about. No, it's not. Is this how we're trying to heal past wrongdoings? Yeah, so what are they going to change it to some fucking vanilla name and then all of a sudden all the wrongdoings that have ever been done

to Native Americans are all okay now? That's exactly right. How does this affect your day? You Native Americans who were offended by this, That's exactly right. How does this affect your day? You Native Americans who were offended by this, all three of you, how does it affect your day? Seriously. Do you get up going, oh, Jesus, I can't make it to the day. They still have that logo.

I have a solution. I have a solution. Here's my compromise. Let them keep the name Redskins, but take the logo off and replace it with Ted Kennedy after he had 10 scotches. It's the same thing. Nice beet red fucking Irish face.

Now you can call him Redskins. Okay? Perfect. There's your solution. So stop with the hypersensitivity, okay? We're all offended by something. It's going to get worse, too. It's going to get worse.

Goddamn writers. I was told when i first started doing stand-up again in 87 or 88 somebody came at me after open mic you're politically incorrect you know and that's gonna be the trend that people are gonna love that and and and because that's coming around real soon and and you know what that was 1987 here we are what 26 years later it's only gotten exponentially worse. Yeah. And I see no end in sight. So help.

That's, by the way, that's the main purpose of this, me doing a podcast. It's seriously to try to help put the end to this fucking insanity we're going through. I've been dying to hear you on censored. That's what needs to be done. This is going to be the most mellow show

you'll hear is my first one. Yeah. You know? And I'm sure the government will have their faces in this too eventually. Yeah, I mean, eventually they'll probably try to get around to it, but it's going to take a lot. Well, the internet already has a left-leaning sense to it. Then we're going to put you on a ship,

and we're going to sell you out to safe waters, and then you can be uncensored out there in a fucking boat. Yeah, here's what I think about that idea. Cock-a-boo-boo, boo-boo, beep-beep. Anyways, that wraps up show number one, kids. That's it. You did it. I don't know when it's coming out. These things have to

be, you know, iTunesed. Takes a look at it, makes sure I'm not illegal and they'll throw it up in a few days. Yep. Is that correct? It's coming yeah i want to thank rob sprance the president and ceo of riot cast network is which is where you can hear this show and a lot of other funny shows and on itunes obviously yeah and uh that's about it anything to add oh uh yeah the guy who wrote your theme song richie richie castellano castellano of blue

oyster cult yep uh he's the one who did that amazing guitar work you hear at the beginning Richie Castellano of Blue Oist Occult. Yep. He's the one who did that amazing guitar work you hear at the beginning of the show and the end of the show. And I want to get him on here eventually. Yeah, and he's fantastic.

He'll come here and play a bunch of songs and just so fucking talented. It's unbelievable. He did a thing where he did Bohemian Rhapsody. He played all different instruments,

did it all himself. It's on YouTube. On YouTube. Look it up. Thank you all different instruments, did it all himself. It's on YouTube. Look it up. Thank you, Richie. Seriously, he asked for a couple songs that I like, different samples of music, and he nailed it. He did. He's a freak of nature.

And I looked at your list, and I was like, wow, this is going to be, let's see what he comes up with. It's a catchy tone. If you're doing meth. No, he's the fucker. I want to get him on here. Seriously. So that's it, kids. Thank you, Rob Sprance.er. I want to get him on here. Seriously. So that's it, kids.

Thank you, Rob Sprantz. Thank you, Nick. It's great to have you. And until I talk to you kids next time, wash your dirty faces. Good night, everybody. guitar solo I'm not going to die.