The Nick DiPaolo Show - 002 - Dad's Birthday

Episode Date: October 22, 2013

Dad's Birthday

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, kids. Nick DiPaolo. Podcast number two. Yeah. Good to be back. Haven't talked to you in a while. And what's been going on? A lot.

We'll get to the sports in a few minutes look you know i'm from boston and if that's gonna bother you you know me gloating a little bit you might want to do something else but uh not just baseball we get the nfl and uh jets beating the patriots i'll get to that in a few minutes. Oh, my God. That was hilarious. College football upsets galore. Yeah, that's right. I like college football. We'll get to that debate in a few minutes. And today is October 21st.

And it's a special day because it's my dad's birthday. Born 78 years ago today. Love the old man. Happy birthday, Dad. the old man happy birthday dad I'm saying happy birthday to you hoping you'll stumble on this podcast I don't know what the odds of that I'll send you a link I'll make it easy I'll cut out all the bullshit he's about as good on the computer as I am but uh 78 years old love the old man um just just a character um a funny bastard it's where i get it from he uh always was a funny bastard still is now and um yeah just a real character man and just a good guy a man's man former marine and um just more of a man than i'll ever be obviously and uh

trying to think of some stories that uh you know uh here's one i remember uh this is the one that gave him his reputation amongst my uh sisters boyfriends and the rest of the high school uh growing up um my sister was dating a guy uh brian i won't say his last name but he had uh he looked like axel rose before axel rose this my sister was like in i don't know maybe eighth grade uh around that time and uh this kid had hair down to his ass blonde you know a bit of a bit of a stoner, crazy cat, and a real wise ass. I don't think the old man was too happy about my sister dating this kid.

I don't know if he was a good kid or not. Can't judge him by his hairdo, although, you know, that's what Italian fathers do when it comes to their daughters. But I remember my dad went to a high school football game this is before i was playing and my sister was there with this with her boyfriend uh the axl rose kid and uh i remember um and i remember seeing this because i was in the stands watching the game too

i hear a little bit of a commotion and uh i look over and all of a sudden this kid, Brian, my sister's boyfriend, gives my dad the finger and goes, fuck you. Next thing you know, my father sprints out of the bleachers at this kid. This kid goes running down the bleachers, takes off outside the fence where the game's going on. And my dad is chasing him on foot. OK, now picture this. How'd you like to be my sister? All her friends are there uh you know everybody in the stands watching my dad chase his kid outside the stadium and i mean for like a

couple hundred yards just chasing me you know at full tilt and then he ended up grabbing the kid by the back of his hair just like you would would a, it would be a, you know, oh, you can actually tackle a football player. It's legal in the NFL by his hair. But he grabbed the kid by his hair and everybody's watching. And this is like, no, they're a couple hundred yards away. And you just see my father slap the kid across the face. And that's where he got the name Big Nick.

And boy, did that stick throughout my sister, the rest of junior high and high school. All her friends and my oldest sister Darlene's friends were a little bit horrified of Big Nick. Very protective, obviously, of his daughter, being an Italian fella. Overly protective, maybe, you know. And then there was another incident. I remember being, I was down the junior high school and um watching a baseball game and i remember my sister donna who was smoking hot back in those days uh you know hey let's be honest when

you're a brother you notice these things half the high school one of my sister and um she was uh i'm watching the game and she's making out on the swing set i can't remember if it was the same kid i think it was another boyfriend. And I remember it was getting kind of late and I should have been home by now. Then all of a sudden, you hear a pickup truck come flying into the parking lot. It's my old man looking for my sister. And sure enough, everybody whips around.

And he comes running out of the pickup truck and grabs my sister by the arm. No physical contact with the boyfriend this time, but you know, yelled at her for being, should have been home or whatever. So, uh, that was another case. And then the reputation spread, um, you know, look, he was an ex Marine. I shouldn't say X once a Marine, always a Marine, but, uh, you know, my sisters were very were very uh very popular in high school very good looking my oldest sister Darlene used to have half the high school over to our house on a Saturday my parents went out to eat every Saturday night for like I don't know 60 years so uh one time they're away for a weekend so my sister had half the high school over. Never forget it, man. I'm like probably in seventh grade at that point.

And, you know, I'm in my bedroom watching the Bruins with my brother. Some kid brings us a couple of beers. Some older guy, we're drinking them, laughing. And all kinds of commotion. Half the high school there. And just, you know, my parents were away and stuff. And it was almost like a soprano scenes. Because a couple weeks later it

got back to my old man and he started screaming at me for not ratting out my sister what the fuck is that about but uh this kid passed out in our driveway i think he was a football player big kid broke his ribs cracked his ribs and i remember looking out a picture window and seeing seeing a bunch of uh high school guys trying to move this kid because he was so big and like I said a few weeks later we're at dinner on a Sunday having dinner and somebody had called one of my parents a couple that they used to hang out with and my old man said hey and the guy on the other line had mentioned that his daughter was at our house a couple weeks ago for a party.

And like I said, he turns on me and goes, did you know about this? And he starts giving me a bunch of guff. And I'm like, yeah, but what am I going to do? You know, rat out my sister? Yeah, you're supposed to, you know. But he went a little nuts there, too. So you couldn't get anything past him, you know, the old wise guinea. We had a boat. we had a 16 foot silver

line when i was in high school my dad bought i don't know i don't know why this he's like me doesn't know how to relax but you know he bought this boat and long story short he told me uh him my parents were going out that uh on a saturday night and he told me not to touch the boat so what do i do i immediately call my girlfriend at the time. And as soon as my parents are gone, I tell her to meet me down there. We get in the boat. I'm going to take her for a little ride. Okay?

So I lived in Danvers, Massachusetts. You got to go out to Danvers River, which I am, in the boat. Got a few beers, my girlfriend with me. And you have to go under something called the Beverly Bridge. And so we're approaching the Beverly Bridge. And it was up because a big sailboat was going through. So, you know, they stop traffic and the bridge opens. So I'm sitting there in line with a couple other boats waiting until we can go and whatnot after the big sailboat.

the boats wait until the until we can go or whatnot uh after the big sailboat anyways go out for a couple hours have a couple of beers get back bang next day i'm sitting there again sunday it was always sunday dinner when we got fucking busted i'm sitting there eating my own man goes so how was the uh boat last night and i'm like what do you mean didn't you take the boat out and uh you know at that point i'm like well you know i'm not gonna fucking try to deny it he obviously knows something and i'm like yeah but only for you know then he starts chewing me out listen to this this is why i'm not a criminal today just because of this incident my parents were going over that bridge they were waiting in line in traffic when the bridge was open and they saw me in the goddamn boat okay Okay? They saw me going under the Beverly Bridge. How did I know they would be going over the goddamn bridge?

Can you fucking imagine? What are the odds? Well, actually, the odds, now that I think about it, the odds are pretty good because, you know, they headed to Salem to have dinner every night for like 40 years. I think that's where they were headed. But anyways, they see me in the goddamn boat. I think I was grounded for for that i can't remember no physical contact for the old man but anyways happy birthday dad that's the old man good guy too one more story

little league uh i remember playing this team in little league and the pitcher on the other team his old man kept yelling at him. I'm not going to mention this guy's name. He didn't live far from us, but he's like another crazy Italian. And his poor kid was getting blown up. He was walking people, and his father is standing on the third base side screaming and cursing, swearing at his son because you know, because he was pitching so shitty. And everybody's kind of looking and stuff. And finally, like, my old man went over and, like, tried to calm the guy down

because the kid was, like, almost in tears. Now, if I was on the mound and my dad was yelling at me, nobody would have stepped in. But he did. That's the kind of guy he is. He tried to tell the guy to chill out. And the guy kind of told my father to fuck off and uh but he's just a good guy is what i'm trying to say and love him to death 78 today anyways what else is going i took an ambien i uh took an ambien last night i have

terrible insomnia man and uh i can't i don't know what it is i don't know if it's insomnia i sleep for exactly three and a half hours no matter what time i I go to bed. And as you know, I'm a comic, I come home a little wound up. So I watch TV to two 30 in the morning and I keep waking up at five 36. This will go on for a couple of months and then it'll stop. I'm right in the middle of one of these fucking cycles. I don't know what's bothering me. You know, I don't know if it's something subconsciously or as you get older, this happens. I don't know,'s bothering me um you know I don't know if it's something subconsciously or as you get older this happens I don't know but I get rings under my eyes and um I just I can't I can't sleep and um I'll go on for like a week week and a half and then and then at that point I'm almost I can't even function during the day so the other night a couple nights last night i said you know i i can't take this

anymore so i took an ambien and you're like what's the big deal i'll tell you in a second i took an ambien and i uh drank a glass of rum and it's the only way i could put myself down it's just fucking i'm even then even then after the ambien and the rum i'm reading i'm a reading book about howard cosell it's great but i'm i'm i'm reading for an hour i'm not even getting drowsy so what is it it's like a motor that won't shut off somebody help me so finally i pass out and uh wake i got a nice finally get a nice full eight hours and um but i wake up with this ambient hangover i don't know if you guys if this happens to you it's like I feel like I'm on meth today I I've done it before I actually stayed away from Ambien for for a couple years just for

this reason because I go nuts it's like somebody takes a steel wool pad to my nervous system I'm just hyper irritable more than usual if that's even possible and uh oh all day i'm i'm just i went to supermarket today and i'm like in a fog i get my stuff i grab one of the bags i'm walking to my car and then the girl comes running out the cashier with my other two bags had no fucking clue i i actually stay downstairs away from my wife because i know i'll just fucking you know just snap and be in a horrible mood and she she hides the shit on me i only take it every once in a while but i gotta sleep i don't know what else to do people have you tried um what's that tea some tea chamomile tea which is a silly as shit that's like me now i know how arty lang felt when we were on afghanistan

he couldn't sleep and he goes uh dude you gotta you gotta ambient on you know yeah and i go yeah and i give him two and he just looks at me and rolls his eyes and i go what that's not gonna put you to sleep because uh yeah my left fucking foot that's why i give him two more i've told this story before on the radio but i give him like like two more. I see him swallow those. And that's four Ambien. That'll be enough to kill me. Okay? I fucking look over at Artie like an hour later.

He's still tapping his foot and looking out the window of the plane. Didn't even... But anyways, people always say that. Try chamomile tea. It makes you sleepy time tea. It makes you drowsy. No, it doesn't. First of all, there's fucking, isn't there caffeine in tea? I think there is.

That shit doesn't do anything, man. But so I'm very edgy today and just kind of fucking jumpy. I hate this feeling. And I don't know how people do it, man. People take that stuff. And they don't even, I asked my doctor and he goes, yeah, they really don't know how it works. Are you shitting me? And people do like really crazy shit on it.

You know, I just, I had one incident where I took it when I was living in Tarrytown. I had a doctor's appointment. I was, I actually was the first time that I was going to get a prescription for, uh, you know what? All those anti-anxiety,idepressant medicines i was going to try one of those zoloft i think it was because i was extra dark and moody which is saying a lot and i finally gave it and said okay i'll try this shit people kept saying that's clinical depression i'm like what do you mean just because i'm crying while i'm watching a tampon commercial that means i'm depressed so i go to i go to fucking doctors and I had taken Ambien the night before

and the girl behind the counter, she's on the phone. My wife's waiting at the window and then she hung up the phone and my wife started to talk and then the phone rang and the girl put her hand on my wife's face, you know, like talk to the hand,

like an inch from my wife's fucking nose and that set me off because we've been waiting for like 40 minutes so i started screaming at the fucking broad i mean screaming to the point where the doctor came out and grabs me by my arm and pulls me into his office and shut the door i called the girl the c word and shit i went nuts and there was a lot of people in the waiting room but i didn't like it. It was still, I don't like the way she stuck her hand in my wife's face.

It was very rude. And her, her whole tone was nasty to the people that was, she was waiting. So the doctor was like, take it easy. What are you here for? And I go,

antidepressants. He started laughing. Uh, that was from the fucking ambient made me crazy. I don't, I have no constitution for drugs, man. I'm jealous of people who can take that stuff. But I can't do it.

Can't do it. Anyways. I just noticed here I have another... I better unplug the second headset. This could be bad. So, yeah. I'm a little bit crazy. What's going on? This past weekend, went to Cincinnati.

It was called the Ballroom at the Taft Theater in downtown Cincinnati on East 5th Street. And I want to thank those people for coming out not the biggest crowd in the world but man were they DePaulo fans uh it's they were they were just uh they were just tremendous sat there and listened hung on every word and uh just loved the hard cuttings the stuff that a lot of people you know thinks a little over the. They were eating it up with a spoon. Did about an hour and 10 minutes. Had a blast. Went with my buddy Joey List. And it was just great, man. We're sitting there.

The show was supposed to start at 9 o'clock. And the guy who runs the joints, you know, brought me a few drinks in the back in the green room there. And then he disappeared. And now it's 9-17. I'm like, is he waiting on us? So I text Joe and Joe found him. And Joe just went up and started he disappeared. And now it's 9-17. I'm like, is he waiting on us? So I text Joe, and Joe found him, and Joe just went up and started the show. And the kid thought, I guess he thought that's how it worked.

He used to book in bands and stuff. So anyways, it was a great show. Joe did great. And yeah, these people were hardcore, the Apollo fans. It was a blast. While Joe was on stage, I was out in the lobby watching on this flat screen, a small flat screen, watching the Red Sox game. And I'll get to that in a few seconds.

Because since I had last talked to people, when I recorded the first podcast, we didn't even know who the Red Sox were going to play in the championship series, American League. We didn't know at that point, but we sure know now, don't we? And we know a lot more. But me and Joe, yeah, we ran back to the hotel, not knowing what's going on. I mean, we knew it was close. Joe gave me Joe watch while I was on stage. We knew it was like the seventh or eighth inning.

The Sox are coming up. So we sprinted back to the hotel. They were down two to one. Opened the door. I had left the TV on because, you know, when you're in a hotel, you turn the TV on. You don't remember what channel it is and you're in fucking Utah. And, you know, Fox is on channel 192 or some shit. Left it on.

Run in the door. We hear the crack of the bat. Johnny Gomes going deep off the wall. Again, this was in the uh clinching game but uh so it was a great time in Cincinnati that made it even better but oh my god how about my Red Sox folks and again for my New York fans uh plug your ears but uh what a ride this has been. And again, since I talked to you last, there have been some serious heroics with the Red Sox, starting with Big Papi. Bases loaded.

Two out. Hard hit into right. Back at the wall. Tie game. Big puppy. The grand slam. Can you imagine A-Rod gets paid more than that guy? Oh, my God. Mr. Clutch.

Do you believe that? I mean, they would have been in deep shit. Mr. Clutch. Do you believe that? I mean, they would have been in deep shit. Let's be honest. Would have been 0-2 if they lose that one. Going to Detroit to face Verlander. Oh, my God. How does he do it? And, of course, you know, I tweet after.

And, of course, everybody responding. Probably Yankees fans. I don't know. Yeah, he's juicing he's fucking juicing uh yeah even so which he's not because obviously he's been tested since and that was years ago but even so even if let's say he was still to come through like that which he's not okay guys just fucking clutch like i've never seen i didn't get to see ted williams play i know he's the greatest hitter

in the history of baseball, but Jesus, was he even close to this clutch? This guy's got more walk-off hits since coming to the Sox than anybody in pro baseball. Man, was that sweet! Erection City, Jesus H. Christ!

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I couldn't believe he did it you know and then uh you know well i'm in cincinnati we like i said we run back to the hotel facing scherzer and he he's blanking us as usual those guys are just tremendous by the way unbelievable i actually feel bad for him and by the way jim leland stepped down today. I'll comment on that in a second. But that's what we did. We cut the heart out of Jim Leland. You know how hard that is to do?

Guy's one of the greatest managers in history. I mean, he won two pennants with Detroit. He won a championship, I don't know, with Pittsburgh or with the Marlins. Guy's just unbelievable. He smokes in the dugout. How can't you love that guy? I'm sad that he's stepping down. But how can you blame the guy?

He's 68 years old. But how can't you love a guy who's smoking in the dugout in between innings? God forbid somebody heard about that, huh? Mamma mia. So we run back to the hotel. We see Gomes hit the ball off the wall. And then we see Iglesias. How ironic was that?

The guy we traded to Detroit, who we didn't want to let him go because he has the best hands. He's just one of the best defensive show-ups. He's got a future ahead of him, and he boots a ball, and you know what else went on. Then our boy, my favorite Red Sox, I loved him when he was with the Phillies, comes to the plate and does this. That's hit well.

Into the corner. It is gone. A grand slam. Goddamn right it is. Oh, sweet Jesus. Sweet Jesus, sweet Jesus. Do you believe that? And he was having a horrible series at the plate.

The flying Hawaiian. Oh, my God. And again, let's be honest. Any other ballpark, that would have been a fly out to left field. But we had a couple of hard hit balls, I think, against the wall earlier. I don't know. I was on stage again in Cincinnati. And I heard the wall took a couple away.

I saw Pedroia hit that shot down the line that curved, followed by a red CH, missed the fucking foul pole. But the flying Hawaiian, this is what they've been doing all year folks they had the most uh and again i know i'm bragging and i'll move on to football but relax i have to enjoy this this shit comes around three times every 86 years so you know i mean but the flying hawaiian who i loved did you hear him i think it was in game uh game three in detroit game three or four, he caught a fly ball, and somebody called him a bitch from the stands, and you could hear the mics on Fox, and he looks up into the stands, and he goes, I'll make you my bitch.

Shut the fuck up. Oh, they got a bunch of gamers, man. These guys are gritty, just clutch. They know how to win. I've never been so excited. This team is better than the 2004 or the 2017. They really are. We had Manny and Big Papi and, you know, J.D. Drew and a few others.

We had some gamers like Bill Miller and guys like that. That was the guy. But we get a bunch of bill millers now you know a bunch of just gritty ball players and uh i remember watching uh nessen all winter after red sox had the complete collapse i mean uh on nessen they're like we've changed the culture we've brought in a new man. They had all these commercials. And I'm like, yeah, bullshit. Show me. They've done every goddamn thing they said they were going to fucking do.

Crazy. Everything. Starting with John Farrell. We traded for him. You know that? We had a trade for the manager. Best trade in history so far. Holy Jesus.

But Johnny Gomes? Come on. It looks like somebody pulled him off a fucking harley guy's just gritty and i heard what i heard i read today in the in the new york post is new york right at bragging about the uh red socks farm system is loaded so we're gonna be good for a few years listen to me saying we like i actually have uh shares in the team but i'm just saying when you follow a team every night and i have since april i went and did my comedy in the team. But I'm just saying, when you follow a team every night, and I have since April. I went in, did my comedy in the city, did my sets every night.

I'd come home and DVR the Sox and watch them until 2 in the morning. I've just, I don't know, man. They steal my heart. And I'm a football fan more than I am a baseball fan. But these guys, god damn, they're doing everything they said they're going to do. And, of course, you've got to give Farrell props because he was our pitching coach and he knows, I don't know where he found this Yui Hara, okay? The guy, I guess, was with the Texas Rangers.

I had never saw this skinny little son of a bitch. But is this guy lights out or what? I mean, he clenched it. And now they won the pennant. Yui Hara. what. I mean, he clenched it. Yui Hara. Yui Hara. Doesn't speak a lick of English. But he loves that dirty water.

Yes, sir. Yui Hara. Okay? He wasn't even our first or our second choice for a closer. Both of them went out with arm injuries. Okay? This is guy's number three on the list. Where was he hiding?

Guy's unhittable. Looks like a fucking wiffle ball when he throws it. Remember throw a wiffle ball into the wind? It drops like a foot. He made Cabrera, and I know Cabrera was hurt, thank God for that. But maybe if you dropped a few LBs,

you know, you wouldn't tear your groin or whatever you did. Anyways, I'm just thrilled to death, folks. And I mean, and World Series starts on Wednesday. By the way, I'll be at Caroline's on Wednesday, naturally at 9.30, right in the middle of the game. Game starts around 8, 8.30. I'll be at Caroline's on Wednesday. By the way, I'll be at Caroline's on Wednesday, naturally, at 9.30, right in the middle of the game. Game starts around 8, 8.30.

I'll be at Caroline's on stage. And I'm shooting an episode of Louie that day during the day. Hopefully during the day. I hope it doesn't go into the night. I won't be at Caroline's, which I always look forward to, doing episodes of fucking Louie.

There's nothing more fun than watching him direct and do everything and write and tell us what we're doing wrong and right. And it's all guys. It's me, Norton, Sarah Silverman, William Stevenson. It's all the same guys. Rick Crome. I think it's the poker scene. I can't tell you any more than that.

But I can't wait to do that on Wednesday. That's the stuff you look forward to. There's about nine things I enjoy in life and doing episodes of Louis are a frigging blast. And then, like I said, the Sox will open against the Cardinals, who, by the way, had the best record in the National League, had the same record as us. It's the first time in about nine years, I believe.

What am I saying? 1999, 2014 and 15 years. It's the first time in 15 years that the two teams in the World Series with the best records are meeting. Yes, sir. I can't wait. I cannot goddamn wait. I can't sleep.

Sound like a child, don't I? Yeah, well, I am. Okay? 51-year-old child. But life's short. You know? It's very long if you're a Cubs fan or a Milwaukee Brewers fan. It must fucking, when you're 52, it must feel like you're 11.

God, those poor bricks, huh? We're spoiled in Boston. We really are. What, since, I don't know, since like 2000, we've been in 12 finals? As far as all the sports goes? Celtics are in a couple. Bruins are in a couple of finals. Patriots have been in, what, five Super Bowls.

Red Sox, three World Series. That's like a dozen times. We're spoiled rotten. Especially you kids in Boston who are like 18. You think it's like this all the time? You have no idea. I used to walk to the ballpark with no fucking shoes on in the snow. You have no idea. Hey, folks, this episode of the Nick DiPaolo podcast brought to you by Ting Mobile.

Ting Mobile is the way to go. It makes sense, okay? Just listen to this, okay? There's no contracts. Truly and completely contract-free. No early termination this, okay? There's no contracts. Truly and completely contract-free, no early termination fees, okay? No overcharges or penalties. If you use more than you thought you would,

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And it's a great company. I suggest you use it. Anyways, business out of the way. Let's talk some football. We'll give a uh for the uh new yorkers to gloat by the way before i get on to football jimmy jimmy leland like i said stepping down that that just that's a bummer don't you think guy is uh guys like mr baseball he's gonna take a front office job i don't picture him in a suit. Do you? He's going to be miserable with a fucking necktie on. He's going to be out in front of the building smoking cigarettes when it's 12 degrees out.

Because all the little young, yuppie, politically correct dickheads will be like, oh, that smoke is making my eyes red. Fucking jerk-offs. Anyways, Jimmy, you've done a great job. Jets, Pats, let's talk some NFL. I don't know how the Jets fans can be bragging about this,

not to piss on your parade, but Pats have 18, I think it's 18 rookies on the roster, three all pros. We're not playing on defense. Two of them out for the season. And I tell you what, man. You got to like Geno Smith. I liked him in college. Watched him at West Virginia. I remember I was watching one game. He had like six touchdown passes in the first half at West Virginia.

I like him. He's a talented guy. But he's definitely going against a wounded Pat's defense. And Pat's better patch up those holes. No Will Forkman no Gerard Mayo leading tackler anyways let's get to what we all know is a bunch of horseshit

and that is the the final play where they call the penalty on a defensive lineman for the Patriots young kid was his name Jones? I think, I can't remember. Anyways, he was called for pushing

another of his teammates into the line, which is a new rule this year. Again, for safety reasons, apparently Michelle Obama is now the commissioner. Jesus H. Christ, you can't push another one of your teammates into the line? I mean, we're talking about a game where people run into each other, you know, at 90 miles an hour, you know, knock each other out.

But, oh, no, you might, two guys might fall on an offensive lineman and sprain his back. What the fuck is going on here? Anyways, it's a new rule. It hasn't been called till the Patriots game. And if you didn't see it, you know the story. The kicker comes in for the Jets and misses. And all of a sudden, there's a flag on the field.

The umpire threw it. I want to Google the guy because I want to find out what part of New York he's from. You have to be shitting me. And he calls this new rule. And obviously, he gives the Jets jets a second chance and the kicker nails it for the win and um i'm sure people are saying well that pat shouldn't have been that close anyways well bullshit jets have a good defense like fourth in the league against the rush geno smith's legit anybody miss sanchez at this point And, but what a dog shit call.

And here's my theory on that, okay? The NFL always loves to have a New York market that's competitive in case come playoff time, you're gonna do big numbers. And we know that's not gonna be the New York football giants this year, right? I think that's safe to say. So there's my paranoid New England theory.

Gotta keep a New York team competitive. Otherwise, the Pats are going to run away with the division. But what a dog shit call. In a related story, did you see on the internet a New York Jets fan, a guy, punching? It might have been a Patriots fan, a woman, smacking her in the face. It looked like a snooki fucking beatdown. And again, I watched it 100 times times like the supruda films and i know in the politically correct times most people your initial reaction is like you you never you should never raise your

hands to a woman and i agree with that a hundred percent 99.9 unless that woman is trying to hit you in the face i mean this is again, this is what fucking feminism has wrought us. Okay? Women actually think now there's no difference between men and women physically. That they can jump in because they got a pink belt. You know? At the local fucking strip mall. I've seen, you see it all,

there's a ton of clips on the internet where girls jump into a fight now. I think it was another, was it a Red Sox game? It was Boston girls again. It was another clip a year or so ago. But this girl comes running at this guy who was already in a fight with somebody else. And he just cracked her one. I mean, he didn't knock her out or anything.

But I don't know what you're thinking, ladies. I know the feminists have you convinced that there's no difference between the sexes other than the socially constructed ones. And you can keep swallowing that bullshit and then don't be surprised when you get popped in the face. As somebody once said, if you want to be treated like a lady,

don't act like a man. So this chick had a good crack. I don't know what she was thinking, but this guy, it's everything that's wrong with the world. He's shit-faced. You can tell he's shit-faced, and he was already in a fight

when this girl tried to jump in. Again, she's got a few in her, and she got popped. So stay out of it, okay? I don't know what you're goddamn thinking. So to sum up, that was a dogshit call. I want to find out what part of New York the ref is from. Congratulations, Jets.

You won't even be relevant after you lose your next two games. You got the Saints and somebody else. I hope I'm wrong because I like a good rivalry. You got a good defense here, and you got a good quarterback, but the rest of you is P-U, not Rex Ryan. I don't know. I like him, but as a coach, you know. That's what I think of him.

Cock-a-boo-boo, boo-boo, beep-beep. That about sums up his offensive abilities. College football. College football. baby that about sums up his uh offensive abilities uh college football college football no before we get on to college again uh as far as the nfl goes a lot of injuries too by the way jay cutler out for a month he's like amandola he's made of uh i don't know sugar and spice and baggy things that taste nice he's's out with a groin tear. I mean, they're saying a month. I had a groin tear that bothered me for like a year in high school.

And that is no joke, man. It spasms at night like you're having triplets. It fucking hurts. You can't even lift your knee to tie your shoes. And so he's gone for a month. The Chicago Bears, they're hexed too um reggie wayne blows out his acl for the colts last night against denver he be gone bradford the quarterback for the Rams, blows out his ACL.

See ya. That's all they got, the Rams, don't they? So people going down, man. And eventually they'll probably be trying to make rules about this now. How are we going to prevent that groin pulse? All quarterbacks and people, wide receivers in the skill position have to wear a girdle.

I mean, it's just getting rougher. Hey, how about that hit last night, Monday Night Football by the kicker? Did you see that one? The guy for the Colts, did you see him lay out the guy for the Broncos returning a kickoff? Apparently he's 60 pounds heavier

than the guy returning the kickoff. You could have called it helmet to helmet. It was one of the best hits I'vecos returning a kickoff? Apparently he's 60 pounds heavier than the guy returning the kickoff. And just, you could have called it helmet to helmet. It was one of the best hits I've seen from a kicker. Guy should get play of the week on ESPN. So anyways,

yeah, a lot of interesting stuff in the NFL. College football, which I like more than the NFL, and I've been an NFL fan since I was six i just think i'd rather watch uh we talked about this on my old radio show i just rather watch kids who are hungry to get into the nfl they try a lot harder man when they know this could be their

livelihood they just come to play every day and in college, when you're a major program like Florida State or Alabama, Oklahoma, you can't afford a loss, even in like October, because it could cost you a national championship. So they play extra hard, and it shows. Okay? What's better than 115,000 people at Tennessee? I mean, you don't get that at the Bills game. Come on. So people that just like the NFL and don't understand college football, give it a shot.

I mean, just the cheerleaders alone. I mean, it's hard to keep your hands off your prick by the third quarter. Come on. You got a 21-year-old chick doing front handsprings with a pair of tight panties on. Mama mia. I just love college football. The rankings are out. Alabama is number one again.

They have been since I think the early 40s. They're like a pro team. Florida State, who kicked the shit out of Clemson, kicked the shit out of them. Clemson was like number three. Florida State was like number five going in. They go to Clemson and beat them 51 to 14. They have moved up there now number two in the country.

Then you get Oregon, who puts up their usual 60 points. And Ohio State, who I never believe in. No offense, Ohio. Had a great time in Cincinnati. But you play a weak schedule. You beat up on a lot of, you're like the bullies of college football. I mean, you're really talented, don't get me wrong. But what happens?

At the end of the year, you go in a bowl game against an SEC team, and really talented. Don't get me wrong. But what happens? At the end of the year, you go in a bowl game against an SEC team and they whip you. Prove me wrong. Urban Meyer. Prove me wrong. Who else?

Big upsets. All over college football. Yeah, the Florida State, that was an upset. Auburn beating Texas A&M. Texas A&M was number seven with Johnny Football. LSU, they were number six. They lost to Mississippi, unranked.

University of Central Florida, the biggest upset of the weekend. Okay, the unranked. University of Central Florida beats number eight Louisville at Louisville. Nobody saw that coming. And Tennessee, which is unranked, of Central Florida beats number eight Louisville at Louisville. Nobody saw that coming. And Tennessee, which is unranked, beat number 11 South Carolina. Anyways, I know a lot of you don't dig college football, but I do. I almost have a problem watching the NFL on Sunday after I watch college football. Saturday.

What else is going on in my life? Like I said, the Louis taping on Wednesday. Caroline's this Wednesday night, which will be October 23rd. So if you're in the area, come see me. I don't know. I haven't got the details for where we're shooting the Louis scene. But that'll be a blast. And I need the residual money louis is just uh i don't mean to kiss his ass but this guy it's just amazing i remember they were shooting the first episode of louis down at the comedy cellar there was a um they

had a tech there's there's a camera some type of red infrared camera i don't know what it is supposedly it's like a million dollar camera and It was the first time they were using it. And honest to God, it comes with a tech guy. They actually send the tech guy with the camera in case there's any problem. Halfway through the night, Louie's explaining to the tech guy how the camera works.

This guy, his IQ is like through the roof. You know, he writes this stuff, hes it and then he then he edits it he's seeing like you can walk into the starbucks on broadway he'll be in there on his laptop editing a national tv show i'm shitting my pants here doing this podcast had to read the instructions 11 times before i hit record some people make it look uh too goddamn easy and he's one of them but uh i think he picked up a couple emmys too so uh look for that man look for louis the new see he took a year off he wasn't comfortable with the fame i guess you know he's getting a little too big man can't blame him it's gonna be be weird now that you walk down the street

and he sees himself on the top of a cab. That's got to be pretty cool. I'll tell you, it's tough when you're a comedian like where I am and you're on the road somewhere and this actually happened

to me years ago. I'm like in Appleton, Wisconsin. I'm at a red light about to go to, to do morning radio like in Green Bay. It's like, it's like, I don't know, 11 below. I'm at a red light about to go to, um, to do morning radio, like in green Bay. It's like, it's like, I don't know, 11 below. I'm at a red light, some kids driving me and a bus pulls up. And then you see like one of your contemporaries, I think it was Ray Romano. Ray Romano's on the

side of a bus. You know, I was with him like, you know, six months prior in an acting class. That'll take the starch out of you you're like yeah you're happy for your friends but you're like holy shit now i'm going to the morning zoo in fucking oshkosh um but some people you know and these are nice guys too louie's a great guy and you know off stage and ray and kevin j guys you're going to be really happy for. I'm sure a lot of pricks make it too. But that's on Wednesday. Got a haircut today.

You'd love my barbershop. It's kind of like an Italian version of the black barbershops. It's up here in Westchester. I don't want to give away the town. I don't want to be stalked. You know, I like my peace. Like that would ever happen. I go to the barbershop. It's like a rundown in a three-decker house, you know.

And it's a barbershop. It's not a freaking salon. It's a fucking barbershop, okay? Right next to a bank. And I, so, my barber, Mike, who's a character, I think he enjoys his blow. Never heard anybody talk so fast or so long in my life. It's fucking frightening.

Anyways, I get out of my car. I'm walking towards the door. I open the door and there's another door and I'm looking through it. I see him belly laughing and a couple of other people in the, you know, in the chairs waiting for haircut, belly laughing. I get in, I look up in the corner at the tv that's tucked in the corner and there's like a great dane fucking like this little chihuahua it's their belly laughing like it's a woody allen movie um you know it's that mtv show with that hipster kid that you know he's got his hat on joe rapper i don't know he has a show stupid clips and everybody left but there's a dog fucking a uh like a little a tiny dog and they're crying over it and

this is this is what i deal with so i get in the i get in the chair and um some guy keeps sticking his face in the window, like a guy in his 40s or 50s. He's got a ponytail. Now, it's not exactly 90 degrees out, okay? He's in his T-shirt. He keeps sticking his face in the glass, and he's making the other barber laugh, this young kid, Giovanni, I think his name. He's another crazy one.

His eyes are always, like, popping out of his head. So I think they might have, that's why my barber Mike might have hired this kid and they have the same taste. But this guy keeps sticking his face against, I go, who is that? He goes, I don't know. He's trying to make Giovanni laugh.

Then the guy comes in. I guess he must be a regular or shit. So I'm sitting there, I'm talking to my barber, listening to him, he's telling me his stories. uh i look in the mirror and i see the guy that just came in with a greasy ponytail he's got his shirt up he's holding his own shirt up and he's shaving his tits his chest with the clippers from the other barber's chair, and his belly, he's shaving his fucking belly, I mean, one of the grossest things I've ever seen, and they're all laughing and shit, I'm like, oh my god, and then he leaves,

you know, shaved his tits and left, I mean, who hasn't done that, and, you know, then a lady comes in with a little kid, and I'm thinking, this kid's going to have nipple juice on his fucking sideburns. She has no idea. I hope to God they're going to rinse that blade. One of the funniest things I've ever seen. I kept telling my barber I was going to put him on TV when I was, you know, working with DirecTV. But he's so goddamn crazy. He would be funny though man he's got great stories you know clean and sober i guess falls

off the wagon every now and then and it shows my haircuts i'll leave and i'll have like a swastika swastika on the back of my head and maybe one pigtail on the side, but, uh, great frigging guy. Um, I guess, uh, yeah, that was it. Got the haircut worked out. Uh, still doing the P90X. Used to bang it out. Uh, I used to bang it out, you know, six days a week. And I did that for almost 15 months. You're supposed to do it for three months. And, you know, my knees are fucking clicking and cracking. I got the hips of Mrs. Drysdale. And so now I do it like three times a week.

I did plyometrics today, which is jump training, which is the hardest one. But I make sure I get that one in at least once a week. It's the hardest one. But Jesus Christ i i had the ambient hangover so a couple times i threw up a little bit in my mouth you know i had like three scrambled eggs and i kept burping those up in my mouth and i felt really dizzy actually had to pause it a few times you know i have to do push-ups like abroad because i had reconstructive uh shoulder surgery on both shoulders right after high school. So they held together with like, you know, pine nuts and gum. And so I literally, I can do about 10 push-ups like a man and then I have to get on my knees.

It's really sad. But I'm trying to keep the weight down, you know, with the Louis taping. But I'm trying to keep the weight down, you know, with the Louis taping. Somebody actually Facebooked me or, I don't know, I forget what it was. But he said, how come when I see pictures of you, sometimes you look really handsome and other times you look like John Lovitz? Which is true, man. My face blows up in pictures, you know. It has to do with hydration and dehydration.

You never drink stuff before like a photo shoot or when you're on TV because it swells up your face, I was told, by my old girlfriend Cheryl Teagues. Anyways, but I thought that was pretty funny. John Levitz, that one broke my heart. I'd never heard that one before. But you know what? The guy was exactly right. Looked like a weight 350 in some pictures but you know what the guy was exactly right looked like a way 350 in some

pictures you know so did the p90x and i'm still in the sweaty t-shirt and that was probably what six hours ago and don't do that by the way i got a fungus on my uh on my back and uh my wife put it together for me she goes that's because you walk around on the stuff you worked out in for eight hours, and stuff starts to grow on you like the bottom of a boat, and it's fucking true. I got like moss under my left tit, so I had to get an ointment for that.

That was months ago, and it's gone, but I'm still doing it, not taking advice like I'm supposed to. I'm really dizzy right now I'm fucking lightheaded folks telling you that Ambien have no idea why the people murder their family members have to take an Ambien it must be all it's got to be true speaking of pills how about this one my wife I'm having uh I'm having lunch today in the kitchen my wife goes what the fuck is going on reaches out she pulls up a viagra up the kitchen floor and she goes i found another one

uh in front of the closet where you put your traveling bag and and uh yeah they did come from my traveling bag but i put them in there when me and my wife go away. I threw some in loose in the front pocket where you keep your books. Of course, it looks bad. I just get back from a road trip, and she's like, why is the Viagra falling out of your travel bag? And you people at home are laughing at your balls. I'm 51, okay?

Give me a break. Viagra's a quality hard-on, okay? When you're 51, you get a hard-on without any, you know, medical help. It's like a fucking pastry bag. It's three-quarters hard and, you know. So, at least when I'm with my wife. Just kidding, honey. So, yeah, all of a sudden she's, you know, looking at me with this accusatory look on her face.

Like, why do you have Viagra in your traveling bag? I don't know, because I get so much ass on the road. Jesus Christ, give me a break, will you? I'm like asexual at this point. I don't even get horny anymore. Only time I get aroused is when the Red Sox win in the late innings. So I had to explain the Viagra to her, you know? And it was true.

We went to the Catskills. I threw a couple in the bag to lose and apparently didn't use them. That's what she says. Why do you throw them in the bag anyway? You don't even use them. Whatever. Give me a break. 51 between porn in my 20s and 30s and dating and jerking off.

There's nothing left. Jerk off and there's no DNA left. The letter D falls out of the tip of my dick. There's not even any NNA left. It's all gone. It's all gone. But she didn't give me that much of a hard time, folks. You know why?

Because I recently bought her a horse. Yeah. Do you know what dressage is? That's when you watch the Olympics and you see those people on the horses. And, you know, a horse is a big, beautiful, masculine animal. And they make it dance and tiptoe around like it's super gay. That big, beautiful animal. You ever see how they prance around?

Yeah, that's what she's doing. She's taking lessons. Started like a year ago, and of course she's really good at it. Some woman who was in the Olympics is like training her. I feel like Mitt Romney and his wife, only I don't have the dough. It's a beautiful horse. It's in its late 60s. It has one tooth and a prostate problem. No, it's actually a beautiful horse it's in its late 60s has one tooth and uh you know a prostate

problem no it's actually a good horse when you buy a horse it's like buying a car they have like a blue book thing you can go in and find out what the horse is worth i don't know how they do that but uh so apparently she got a great deal on this i can I can't tell. I'm scared shit of horses, by the way. But all's I know, and I knew this before I made this purchase, that they're a horrible investment. I was told by some people, some girls that have had horses who are rich, okay? There's drug dealers who go, what, you bought a fucking horse? What are you, a nuts man? You can't afford that.

I, you know, so I know it's not going to be a good investment because they're always having problems, you know so I know it's I know it's not going to be a good investment because they're always having problems you know they're like uh Amendola for the Patriots Jesus Christ they run three feet and they break down they get bad feet the gums start to rot they shit their pants the the stomach gets in a knot whatever I even I knew that so but she's telling me, no, there was a doctor there. When she went to do the deal, the doctor that actually birthed this horse says, this horse has nothing wrong. What else? Of course the doctor's going to say that.

The doctor's in cahoots with the lady who's selling it to my wife. They've known each other for years. What do you think the fucking doctor's going to say? No, this thing's got ulcers. It's got a lump on its uh left uh ass cheek and uh a little bit of uh cancer of the forehead and it's shitting a little bit of blood but no i uh i think you should take it yeah come on so i'm uh i'm a little i just see future fights for me and the wife over this thing. I'm happy if she's happy.

It's something she's really good at. And, you know, it's the reason she didn't bust my balls about the Viagra. Anytime she gets mad at me, I go, I bought you a fucking horse. Give me a break, will you? But I'm afraid of horses. I'm definitely afraid of horses. They're big and they're stupid. So I'm told. But she's'm definitely afraid of horses. They're big and they're stupid. So I'm told.

But she's taught me a lot about them. There was this one horse that she rides, this like male horse that loves her. And this is kind of gross, but the horse gets an erection after my wife gets off and masturbates. And our horse masturbates, it slaps its dick against its own stomach,

which I was able to do when i was in high school um now it's off my uh kneecap yeah i wish um the horse slaps its own penis against the stomach until it comes and that's the effect my wife has on the horse that she rides and i said why don't you change your perfume or maybe you know shave your head grow some out do something horses are very turned on by my wife so i didn't know that about horses there's a lot of things that she's been telling me she's taking a class and all the stuff she actually goes to to a college and studies this shit but i'm nervous i just see future fights because i know this thing something's gonna happen it's gonna turn an ankle doing a fly pattern or a tear a groin muscle rolling out to its right. Something's going to happen,

and it's going to come out of my pocket, okay? I'm going to be doing the funny bones until I'm 106, but I am nervous about it. It's a big investment, and just upkeep alone is like $850 a month, okay? And I just picture, well, there was a scene in sopranos and i think this is how i see it going down with me and the wife uh in this scene um picture my wife in the role of uh of a tony soprano the horse was no fucking good. With the fucking colic all the time and the fucking builds.

What are you talking about? She bounced back. This time. But each time it takes something out of him. Yes, Andy. It was all downhill from here. Now I know it's tragic to think this way, but you can't argue with the fucking logic. Jesus Christ, you did it.

You put that fucking horse alive. No, I did not. You cooked that fucking horse alive. No, I did not! But so what? So what? It was a fucking animal! That's me as Ralph Cifaretto. And that's the wife.

I hope not. I'm just a negative person. Anyways, kids, good talking to you again. I forgot to a negative person. Anyways, kids, good talking to you again. I forgot to come up with some, you know, stupid, catchy closing statement at the end of the show. But that's it. Podcast number two in the books. Go Red Sox.

And if you're listening to this in your St. Louis, good luck to you. You're going to need it. We're going to give you a beating. And come see me at Caroline's this Wednesday if you're in the tri-state area. It's Nick DiPaolo. Until next time, kids, take it easy. guitar solo Bye.