The Nick DiPaolo Show - 007 - The Autumn Wind

Episode Date: November 26, 2013

The Autumn Wind

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. What's up, kids? Nick DiPaolo coming at you again. How are you? Where did we leave off last? I don't even remember. Talking about the, oh, my my nut neighbors the Melvins I forgot two quick stories about them got a lot of positive

feedback from those characters I guess I don't have to worry about them suing me because I don't even think they had a TV when they lived across the street from us or any of that stuff well you know we used to give them furniture, you know,

because they were so poor and stuff. And this is my favorite Melbourne story. I remember my dad giving them a recliner, an old recliner chair. It was perfectly good. It was just, you know, a little old. We were getting something new. And I remember my old man, like, carrying it over there with George. Remember I was telling you know a little old we're getting something new and uh i remember my old man like carrying it over there with george remember i was telling you george he was like

the 35 year old that would play street hockey with us and smoke cigarettes and then get mad and run home and tell his mom when we you know threw an apple at him or something um i remember my dad bringing a recliner over there and, and literally, you know, they thank us, blah, blah, blah.

The next day I'm in, uh, my dad's garden working with him. And Mrs. Melvin's out on her porch with her arms folded with like this angry look on her face. And my father is bent over him. He's like tying up a tomato plant and he looks up and she goes to my father.

What are you looking at monkey? And my father just shook his head, looked at me, put his head back down and was laughing. I remember seeing my dad's shoulders like jiggling for like 10 minutes. I thought he was going to, you know, snap back at her,

but he just shook his head, went back to fucking work. We thought he was going to, you know, snap back at her, but he just shook his head, went back to fucking work. We gave them a recliner, you know. What are you looking at, monkey? With her arms folded. Oh, we'll never understand that one, you know. I told you she'd get pissed when we threw rocks at the rats in front of the house. Apparently those are their considered pets at the Melvins.

But what are you looking at, monkey? Man, did we laugh over that. We still talk about it. And then there was Ernie. That was the guy who was banging his daughter. I told you about. She used to tell us about it. Christ, she could have been more than 12 or 13 at the time.

He used a plastic baggie or something for a condom. time he used a plastic baggie or something as a for a condom um he's the one that was living in that he was living in that makeshift uh trailer he built between the two houses and that we used to throw rocks and stuff at it and and the daughter would come out and go you stop it you're knocking stuff off the wall and then you know we felt bad but um that was uh ernie let's call him bernie and uh he's the guy with the station wagon he had a pony steps in the back of a station wagon well one friday night we're all out all the kids in the neighborhood are out he's he's asleep in his beautiful 1965 falcon station wagon he's he's asleep right in the driver's seat he's out like a light and my uh buddy robbie sear ran up to him uh ran up to the side of the car right under the window and blew an

air horn and this fucking guy's head hit the ceiling in the car so goddamn hard and with one motion he opened the door and flung it open grabbed a piece of wood in the front yard it was chasing us up the street it was the fucking funniest yet the scariest thing when you're like 12 years old and you have a like a mentally disturbed person chasing you with like a two by four i mean we're running for our lives oh god he used to ride his daughter's bike around town i don't know if i mentioned that green stingray a girl's bike and i want the basket on it and shit and ring the bell but those are two stories i forgot about so uh what the hell else is going hey i'm sick of hearing

about bigfoot i don't know if an animal planet or one of those i don't even pay attention that you i don't know who the fuck it is maybe the food network's doing a bigfoot special can we stop with the bigfoot horse shit? Let me just say right now, if you believe in that, you're an idiot and an asshole. Okay? I'm just tired. I see these commercials for fucking Bigfoot. My life was changed in 1991 when I fucking saw a giant footprint.

You know, Shaquille O'Neal was probably in your backyard for fucking, you i mean getting tired of this horseshit people believe in this it's just so fucking people go people always go to me well what would it take you to believe i mean people have pictures and pictures of what they dress up their fucking cousin in an ape suit and have them run through the woods and they take pictures of them from fucking 300 yards away and that's enough to make a tv show it's just i can't take it anymore the fucking ignorance a lot of people go wow what what would it take you to believe uh you know how much evidence do you need well you know what i'd have to have bigfoot uh make me a blt in my kitchen then jerk me off how about that and then leave a stool sample uh that i could fucking examine on my front lawn that's

how much evidence it would take uh i'm watching like football games and they're doing commercials for bigfoot shit can we leave it alone at this point if you don't have you know if at this point if you're not walking down the street holding his hand and have pictures with him with you and your family at a picnic uh i don't believe in it stop with the horse shit please all right i'm screaming like an idiot down here my wife's upstairs going what the fuck is he doing she's all happy maybe that horse was a good investment that i got her she's been in a good mood since i got her that horse, Lollipop. Not a funny name for a horse. First, I thought that was the name of the horse in Scarface.

Give me, then I realized it was, give me ice cream in a second. That's what Frank says. So yeah, she's happy with her horse, and she's taking a whole class, man. She's going to college for this shit. She's like designing a bar, and I go upstairs last night in the living room. She's got like a ruler out and compass and doing shit that I couldn't understand in a million years and it just comes so easy to her bringing test homes with A's on them and you're like well how tough gonna be well it gets more complicated than you realize it's all kinds of shit how to design a barn what it's gonna cost stuff that I couldn't do I just realized I'm fucked I could never go back to school

if this whole comedy thing went belly up like it hasn't already uh I could never go back to school. If this whole comedy thing went belly up like it hasn't already, I couldn't go back to school. I barely know how to work this fucking computer. And, you know, I'm in deep doo-doo. That's all I can do is show up, make people laugh, go home, and watch TV. That's about it. Really, really. Just kidding. I don't know

But she's happy She's got the horse The horse likes her She likes the horse Tells me all these stories But I'm scared shit of a horse man Big fucking choppers But apparently they like each other

And that's good Leaves me more time To stay down in the basement and drink scotch. So what the hell else? Friday night I was in Parsippany, the comedy shop. It's a one-night gig that this guy James, who does a nice job with it, by the way,

once or twice a year he calls me to do these, and some are better than others, I have to admit. But they're decent money. You know, takes me an hour to get there, even though I get lost, I'll tell you about that. You know, an hour home, decent money. As opposed to, again, driving to LaGuardia, 40 minutes, waiting in line with a bunch of fucking assholes

at a crowded terminal and getting on a plane and listening to screaming babies and jerk-offs on their cell phones and just get my car and I quietly, I put on hits of the 70s and drive to the gig over the Tappan Zee to two, I don't know, 87 South or something like that, wherever Parsippany is.

And of course, like an asshole, I get lost. The only, I don't know where my agents were this weekend and his assistant, I called the office and they might, I hope they're moving because I never heard back from them. But so all I had for directions was, the address was 707 Route 46 East in Parsippany. Oh, help me.

And, you know, I've done a few gigs in that area i thought so i went to this other one the last one i did with this guy which is about seven miles up the street and then i couldn't find 707 what good is a fucking number on a building when you're on a two-lane highway and all the shit is like a quarter mile off the highway i i still don't understand but anyways and i'm like oh jesus christ it's it's a holiday inn and i'm like not even a holiday in holiday inn express i go this can't be it first of all i i'm about you know the gigs at 8 30 it's 9 0 5 i'm still looking for the joint which you know there's an opening act in the middle act you know how it works so i'm not really late, but I'm getting a little nervous now. And I pull into a gas station. I can't tell if it's open.

You know what I mean? The tanks, the lights out front are dark, but I see the lights on in the gas. And this guy, he could have been the poster boy for fucking Al-Qaeda, meets me. Like, he steps out real quick. Like, he might have been doing something illegal in there, not to be paranoid anything but he goes what's up boss and his eyes are like dilated his pupils were huge he goes what's up boss like he shuts the door behind him real quick uh honest to god if i didn't have a gig i would have called the cops and you know monitored the place and i'm like not that i'm looking for uh the holiday end course you know i might as well be saying i'm like not that i'm looking for uh the holiday inn of course you know i might as well be saying i'm looking for the fucking hope diamond the looking doesn't know what holiday what uh

motel oh i know this is 46 west this way used to fuck okay i lost him at holiday inn you know fucking did i pull into a motel across the street from that that gas station and i'm looking for the front office can't find a driver on the back there's a filipino guy or whatever i pull up to him and again he speaks three words of english and i'm just like going what the fuck so finally i find it and i pull in i go it's a holiday and i'm like no this't be right. There's a nightclub called Pure next to it, I think. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, don't tell me it's in a dance club. Because the details I had said the gig is adjacent to a Holiday Inn,

which I took. I was thinking it was a freestanding building on its own next to the Holiday Inn. But no, it was the Holiday Inn. Anyways, I run in there and have a Jack and Coke. The guy was just getting off, the guy that was on before. So the timing was actually perfect.

250 people in there. James does a great job of marketing. 250 people, not an empty seat. And they were great. It was great. It was easy. Except for the five broads up front. Once again,

five fucking Jersey housewives wearing leopard skin shirts, and just, they wouldn't shut the fuck up. They're commenting after each joke, sitting two feet from me. Of course, nobody else can hear them saying shit,

because they're a mile away, so I'm going, girls, ladies, please shut the fuck up, and it looks like I'm being the asshole. One lady gives me the finger, you know you know you scratch your forehead to but instead of just giving me the finger she scratches her forehead with her middle finger i'm like take it easy carmella soprano i kept calling her jewish just to bust her balls but

she had this laugh she kept fucking snorting and uh but they kept discussing every joke. And it's like, ladies, some of this shit's supposed to ring a bell. That's how stand-up works. Jesus H., shut your holes, please. Yapping to each other in between jokes. Oh, that happened at Bob. Remember Bob and Susan?

We went out with a gang. And they're talking this fucking loud. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to get a rhythm going oh so I just you know I shit on the place for the first 10 minutes making fun of myself being at a holiday inn and and just you know and uh and then I went to material and uh it's the material again that that I just shot the DVD in Minneapolis and uh I want to put this stuff to bed. But you can't. I'm going to go over a little comedy lesson.

You can't put it to bed when you walk into a room with like 250 people on a Friday night. And, you know, you can't go up there and try to like wing new shit. You have to, you know, you have to sort of blow the roof off the dump. I mean, you could squeeze a couple minutes here and there and but but even then, it was too ruckus. It was, was not the place to try new shit. And I'm so tired of the stuff that, that I did on the DVD, that, you know, I want to retire it. But the only way to do that is to go into the city every night. And I guess, you know, the comedy cellar cellar the stand places like that and and pick at

it you know 10 15 minutes at a pop and uh and then when you go on the road and you're doing a full hour to squeeze it in and try it there too but uh it was just kind of i'm just so tired of it so i did most of that material and it killed and i ripped ripped the people apart in the room and making you know fun of how much they were eating and drinking and but it's the people apart in the room and make them you know find out how much they were eating and drinking and but it's the it's the women I've done this shit for 26 years I think I've told maybe 10 guys to shut up as opposed to I don't know 41 42 000 tables of women just to shut your yaps I'm glad you come out but they start discussing each bit you know and they get a few drinks and I, and their voice gets very

loud, and then they get very defensive when you say, can you lower your voice, please, and they get all fucking nasty, so, but it was, you know, bang, bang, I got there, went right on, came off, he's holding the check, hands it to me, let's do it again soon. I'm in the frigging car before people can get into the parking lot. I sprint out, jump in my car, back on the goddamn highway, and home in like an hour. Okay? It's like selling drugs. It's that easy sometimes. You know? Do I want to be doing this when I'm 60? I don't know, but why not?

If the crowds will have me. So that was Friday night in Parsippany at the Comedy Shop. Thank you, James. You packed a joint. I don't know how you do it. I really don't. I didn't do any press for it. I mean, other than social media.

But good gig. Probably do another one real soon. And then I get up on Saturday morning. And time to do some editing. Actually, I had done some editing with a guy on, was it Thursday? And then I told him I had to work Friday night. So the editing, the way he works, this guy Jeremy does a great job. He's done, he did one of Mattel's specials.

And a young kid, he's got the ring through the nose, through the upper lip. He's got those two holes in his earlobes, you know? Look like somebody shot him you know those two big like quarter-sized holes i don't even know what the fuck you call them but uh and i'm going on this kid when i first met him like he's i'm he's gonna fucking hate me with my politics and you know he look like a hipster what i couldn't he couldn't be nice a kid he's from texas originally just uh just great at what he does and it's right in union square so um went there and we worked on it and and looked at stuff and then i said let's do this on saturday i

called him friday say what do you say saturday tomorrow we'll do it uh you know from like um 11 to like five so i get there and you, fight all the traffic and shit, park in a garage, get up there, and me and him are shooting the shit, he's doing his stuff, and after about an hour and a half, I realized that I wasn't, he really didn't need me there, because he, he goes through like each frame, he goes through like one, one second is like 24 frames, and he goes through each frame, you know, I recorded three three shows and he's matching up all the shit. And, uh, so he's going to put like a whole hour together. You know, I told him show two would use most of the material from show two. So he's going to, as far as camera angles, he's got four

camera angles to work with. So he kind of choreographs that he really doesn't need me for that. Um, you know, so after about an hour and a half, I go, do I have to be here? Do you really need me? Because, you know, I said, the only thing I'm worried about is I can tell you what bits I want to take from what shows. And again, most of it's going to come from one show. And he said, no. He goes, you really don't have to be here. Let me do this, you know, take care of the camera angles and the headaches.

And then I'll send it to you, which he'll email it to me. I'll look at it on my computer. And then we'll meet up again, let's say, Monday. And I'm like, that's great. So I get back in the car, and here's where the fun starts, fight through all the goddamn traffic in Union Square, and heading back on the West Side Highway up to the Henry Hudson. Again, people who are listening that aren't from this area, this doesn't mean much, but

it's the route I take home every night back up to Westchester County. So I'm on the West Side Highway, but I'm heading towards the Henry Hudson Tolls, which is a long elevation up to the tolls. And of course, I get pinched for speeding. I only make this route every night for the last 20 years, but the cops are in different places during the day, okay? So I come around the corner, and I'm doing 70, 75, or whatever the fuck. I see the cop.

Ugh. He pulls out slowly, doesn't put his lights on, and I'm like, oh, maybe I get away with one, you know, and all of a sudden, you know, after about a minute and a half, he gets behind me, and I'm like, motherfucker, because I just cleaned up my license, I just, you know, I took one of those online things, defensive driving courses to reduce your points because I was getting close to, you know, get my license suspended. And I hadn't had one in about 18 months. And I'm like, oh, here we go. Sure enough, pulls me over. Because coincidentally, he's got me doing 31 miles per hour over the speed limit, which coincidentally is the cutoff where you have to appear in court in person, whether you're pleading guilty or not guilty.

You know, sometimes you can respond and just mail it in. Well, if you're going 31 miles an hour over in New York, you have to appear in person. Just what I fucking need. Oh, you sister his tits anyways I find that very uh coincidental that he you know I was 31 miles an hour exactly I think you know I don't know 76 in a 45 is what he told me and and you know and again I was looking down at my radio and fucking around with it and you know i told him that he goes really 31 miles per hour over the speed limit and you're playing with your radio and i'm like you asked i could make up something else but that's what i was

fucking doing there's nobody i wasn't in traffic i was you know ah some the beach so uh yeah i got to and that's going to fucking, if you people aren't from New York, when you get a speeding ticket, it's like they rape you financially. It's like at least 300 just because I was going up. Then there's an extra surcharge. And then there's going to be more

because I was 31 miles per hour over the speed limit. And I'm talking five, 600 bucks. If, you know, if I can't weasel out of this somehow so um I was like oh god that's it's six points on your license okay they have a point system here and I'm going god damn it when was my last one? And it turns out, after 18 months, your points get cleared. Not cleared, they're still there, but if it's within 18 months,

if two infractions are within 18 months, then they combine the points. If not, in other words, so i cleared it by five days the last time i got a ticket uh was 18 months and five days whatever the fuck and then i took the defensive driving course online knocked it down to like i had like three points three two or three points on my license or whatever anyways going to have to go. I'm going to plead not guilty. They're going to send that in.

They'll give me a court date and I'm hoping what's going to happen now is what happened a few years ago when this happened to me. I got to be honest, I get busted a lot. I have a lead foot a little bit

but I had to go to the same thing. I had to go to a parent court in New Jersey. Actually, not New Jersey. It was right over the tappan zee bridge which is still rockland county which is new york whatever uh i appeared there and i was about to go before you know you know how you do it you go before them but um the the prosecutor recognized me he said are you the comedian from stern to palo and i. He goes, you can get out of here. And he said it like real loud.

I'm like, are you sure about that? Well, the people working, hope I'm not getting him in trouble now. But he recognized my name from the Stern show and let me blow it off. And, you know, I do benefits for cops and shit. I do benefits for the, you know, I've done stuff for the NYPD at the comic strip years ago and I always, somebody asked me to do something for cops,

I'd do it. Although this summer, Bob Kelly asked me to do something right, I should say this spring, right after the terrorist attack in Boston. A few months after that,

some New York cops were organizing something. Some Boston cops were organizing something with some New York cops down here. And I get down to the gig

and it's like this loud Irish bar and I see Bob Kelly, Robert Kelly standing. I see, I just hear loud roars coming out, not laughter, just a really loud like Irish bar. And I see Bob Kelly,

I see his neck his big thick neck with rolls in the back all red and shit like pressed against the front window of this bar and this people he's not even on the stage he's cornered by the crowd they're like literally two feet from his face and he's screaming like fuck you and gary gallman was supposed to be on the show also. He texts me and goes, I was in a bar around the corner waiting because I knew I was going on the last. He goes, I lasted a minute and a half. I didn't know what he was talking about. So I started to walk to the bar.

It was so loud as I was approaching it that I was going to pretend I didn't see it. But one of the cops from Boston spotted me and pulled me in. But I didn't go on because it was too rowdy. They said, you don't have to do it just you can't just do stand-up anywhere but uh it was so funny bob kelly i see the back of his neck him just swearing at people um anyways so uh yeah i i do stuff for the cops i hope they don't remember that one they're gonna go you didn't go on we're not gonna but uh i don't know maybe i can get this thing squashed they don't remember that one. They're going to go, you didn't go on. We're not going to, but, uh, I don't know. Maybe I can get this thing squashed. I don't know. Probably not. But, uh, you know, the speed limit is 45 there. And, and it's one of those roads. If you went 45

there, you'd get run over. I've never seen anybody doing less than 70. It's a straightaway. It's like five lanes wide. People from this area know what I'm talking about. It's just a straightaway it's like five lanes wide people from this area know what i'm talking about it's just a straightaway and it's an elevation and the tolls are like are at the top it's a gradual elevation for about two miles and everybody does 65 70 at a minimum not making an excuse but how the fuck they can put post 45 miles per hour there is just ridiculous and every night when i drive into the city from west ch County, people go by me, guys, kids racing. And I'm not exaggerating, 130, 140 miles an hour. And I don't know where the fuck the cops are then.

I've yet to see one of these guys get pulled over. Every night I see that shit. But I'm the bad guy doing 76. The way the guy acted, you know, you'd think I was doing 140. But what are you gonna do allah's allah that's gonna cost me some fucking dough so i drove all the way into the city saturday and uh it wasn't really needed there stayed for a couple hours. It was the most expensive drive of my life. Oh, they just rape you in New York. They just frigging rape you with surcharges and fucking fees.

And it's just unbelievable. And it's so funny because I was giving my wife a lecture. She got a speeding ticket, I don't know, a few months ago. And she just had to fight I don't know, a few months ago. And she just had a fight. She, you know, whatever.

So, you know, I'm like, you get a heavy foot. You're always getting tipped. And she's like, bullshit. You get more than me. I said, I haven't had one in like 18 months. And, of course, as soon as we have that conversation last week, this happens to me. It'll teach me. Really piss me off.

But too many cops, man. You know? It's becoming a real police state. Don't you think so? I think it is. All over the place. I saw like four cars from the city to my house in Westchester County.

Fucking everywhere. Relax. my house in Westchester County fucking everywhere relax I don't have that kind of dough folks uh so I came home and that that ruined my day I gotta be honest with you I don't know how to let shit go I'll be dead soon but that just like I said I made all this effort to take this online drive defensive driving course which if you ever do that folks I'd rather I made all this effort to take this online defensive driving course, which if you ever do that, folks, I'd rather, I think, appear in court. It was the most tedious fucking thing. It said it would take two hours. It's just like these stupid questions.

When traveling and you see a yellow double line, does that mean A? It's all these multiple choice, really easy. But they don't let you once you answer the question you can't go to the next one you can't like fast forward you have to they give you like a minute for each one it took me like four and a half fucking hours to finish this thing and it kept asking basically the same shit it was so tedious and boring um yeah it took it it took three points off my license but uh i swear to god it was that tedious and boring that i think i'd rather have the points and risk it my license taken away

so uh it was fucking horrible but uh yeah just bug the shit out of me and it bothered me all day see you know what i did on saturday i'm a real sloth i'll tell you this time of year because you know i'm a football fanatic, I'll tell you, this time of year, because, you know, I'm a football fanatic, college. I watched, I think, started watching sports on TV at 2.30, 3 in the afternoon, Saturday. I started with, listen to this, this is how you know I'm kind of a sports fanatic. I started with, I finished a college hockey game that I recorded the night before. I had only watched the first period and went to bed. Boston University versus North Dakota.

The Fighting Sioux, I don't know what they're called now, because apparently, again, some Indians are pissed. Yeah, Boston University versus, and you're going, you're going to be kidding me, Nick. But you know what? That is one of the best matchups in college hockey. That's the equivalent of like USC Notre Dame in football. So I watched that. I watched the last two periods of that that I recorded the night before.

Then I watched Boston College in Maryland, which was a fucking great game. Then I watched the Bruins and Hurricanes that I had recorded on Saturday morning while I was getting the speeding ticket. And then I watched another college football game. I can't even remember which one it was. Notre Dame. Yeah, it was Notre Dame-BYU. And then I watched BU-North Dakota again. They play back-to-back nights.

That's how they do it in college hockey. And it was a great game, you know, the first night. So I watched it again. BU won the first night, and it was a tie the second night. I watched a full college hockey game. And then, now it's like, I don't know, 1130 at night, I put on Oklahoma State and Baylor, which was like number four versus number ten in the nation. And it was supposed to be the game of the week.

And it was a frigging blowout. Oklahoma State took Baylor apart. Baylor averaging almost 62 points a game. And I think in the fourth quarter, they only had mustered a field goal. Ended up like 49-17. but it wasn't even that close. Oklahoma State kicked the shit out of them. And it was like in freezing, windy weather. But, yeah, I ended up getting my ass up off the couch at about 2 in the morning.

So it was a solid 12 hours of sports. I can't explain it. Enjoyed every minute of it. Got the flat screen down on the man cave. I turn the couch so it's going instead of, you know, east, west, it's going north, south. My feet facing the TV. Giant pillow by my head.

Two under my feet. Dog on my lap. Eating like a pig. Got a nice double neck right now, and yeah, woke up today, read the paper, watching the Democrats lie on Sunday morning TV, it's just priceless. And more sports news. The goddamn Yankees got McCann, the catcher from the Braves, who I was hoping the Red Sox were going to get, because Soto Lamarcki is a free agent, and we're certainly not going to go with the other guy for the whole 162 games.

I already forget his name, Ross. David Ross, who was great, by the way. But, yeah, Yankees spent 85 mil on McCann, and I'm pissed about it. Come on, Red Sox. We're the world champions. We should be making those moves. We wanted him. Apparently not bad enough.

So I'm guessing Saltolamake is staying. I don't know. And then the Cardinals got Peralta for $52 million from the Tigers. So as you see, doing steroids really hurt his reputation. 52 mil. He's now in the National League. And that was about it as far as Hutzdo moves. And then I get up and watch the god-awful NFL today.

Oh, just, I don't know how people can stomach it, you know? Cock-a-boo-boo, boo-boo, beep-beep. That's all I can say about it. It really is. That sums up the league. Cock-a-boo-boo, boo-boo, beep-beep. I'm in my goddamn, you know, that pool that I play every week, and again, I'm getting destroyed.

But it's just, folks, and I know there's a lot of Johnny come lately to the NFL. I know it's popular. What are you talking about? It's never been more popular? Exactly. That's how you know it's watered down horseshit. There's a saying,

what's popular is not necessarily good and what's good is not necessarily popular. It's just, come on, I've been watching since a kid and what's good is not necessarily popular it's just i've been come on i've been watching since a kid and it's just horrendous i just saw a play that this typifies what goes on in the nfl today the giants and cowboys it's about halftime by the way as you see i'm doing this on a sunday um some guy with a giant's caught a pass hit tight end falls down and two cowboys don't know enough to touch him. You know, so he's down and they blow. No, they just watch him get up and run into the end zone.

And I see this happen all the time in the NFL. A lot of times the refs will just blow the whistle because the guy laying on the ground with the ball doesn't even know that he can get up and run. There's just no more discipline. It's hilarious. It's fucking hilarious. What the hell's going on out here?

That's all you'd hear. That's all you would hear if Vince was around. Just horrendous. And here's another trend that's starting to worry me. I see it in pro and college. A lot of receivers,

a lot of these divas trying to make one-handed catches for no reason. When the fucking ball is right there, all they have to do is put two hands up. And they're trying to get on SportsCenter. Trying to make the top ten plays. There's no doubt about it. I've been saying this for like a year now.

And some announcer finally said it this weekend in a college game. I forget who it was. It might have been the Oklahoma State game. He goes, son, no reason to not put a second hand up there and catch that. And he said, you're trying to get on SportsCenter. I see it all the time. There's no fun. It's just crazy, man.

They want to be famous. It's fucking hilarious. But the NFL, I mean, the Jets today, ugh. Lose to the Ravens by 16. I mean, the Bears gave 42 to 21. The Rams just kicked the shit out of them. I mean, and how does Green Bay

end up in a tie with the Vikings? Didn't we see the Vikings on a Monday night against the Giants like three weeks ago? They look like a Pop Warner team. They literally look like a high school team. Green Bay loses Rogers and they can't win now

and it looks more like the defense sucks if you ask me but it's such a watered down league it's so fucking horseshit how about the Houston Texans gotta be the most disappointing team in football for the last three seasons they lost to Jacksonville today

at home. I'm telling you, Kubiaks get pictures of the commissioner or some fucking shit banging a dog. I don't know. It's just a watered-down, yucky league, man. I mean, look at the... I'm looking at the standings right now. You got the Pats and the AFC East.

They're 7-3. After that, the Jets, 5-6. Listen to these records. Dolphins, 5-6. Buffalo, 4-7. The AFC North, you get the Bengals at 7-4, right? Then after that, Steelers, 5-6. Ravens, 5-6. Cleveland, 4-7. One team with a winning record in the AFC North. One team with a winning record in the AFC East. How about this? AFC South. You've got the Colts, 7-3, and they're getting killed today. The Titans, 4-6.

Jacksonville, 2-9. Houston, 2-9. Ooh, what a division, huh? I mean, talk about mediocrity. It's a little better in the West. The Broncos are 9-1. And you've got the Chiefs, 9-2. Also, the Chiefs look like the old Chiefs.

They get beat again today. AFC East. Eagles, 6-5. Then after that, Cowboys, 5-5. Giants, 4-6. Redskins, 3-7. Do you see the mediocrity? Ugh!

Bears, 6-5. Lions, 6-5. Then your Packers are 5-5-1. Vikings, 2-8-1. Saints are 9-5. Lions 6-5. Then your Packers are 5-5-1. Vikings 2-8-1. Saints are 9-2. That is the fucking worst 9-2 team you'll ever see. You remember when teams were 9-2 in the 70s and 80s? I don't mean to be waxing, you know, romanticizing the past,

but when you were 9-2, you were 9-2. Saints aren't. Carolina Panthers 8-3. They've won 6 or seven in a row. They might be the real deal. Tampa Bay, 3-8. The Falcons, 2-9. What happened to Atlanta?

Oh, my God. Just fucking... What happened? What the hell's going on out here? Terrible. 2-9. Matty Ice. Seahawks, maybe the best team in the league.

10-1. And that's a real 10-1. 49 is... I picked them to win the Super Bowl, 6-4. Arizona Cardinals, surprisingly good, 6-4. And the Rams are 5-6. But do you see? I mean, there's like six teams with winning records out of the 30. That is dog shit.

That is dog shit. What was the other trend i was noticing players oh reaching out near the goal line this has been going on for a couple years now when a running back's about to score or receiver or anybody they get within a yard and somebody's trying to attack them they reach out which is the stupidest thing why would you ever do that and the announcers never call them on it it's been going on for years last few years why would you do that that? And the announcers never call him on it. It's been going on for years, the last few years. Why would you do that? And finally, finally, I saw what I know is going to happen.

I've seen it happen a few times, but in the Oklahoma State game last night, I think it was a Baylor player going up the middle, like on the one-foot line. Instead of just protecting the ball and getting tackled, then you have what, second and a foot or third and a foot? He sticks it out to try to put it out

and the guy slaps the ball out of his hand and Oklahoma State recovered. And this has happened, this happens a few times a year. But I never see coaches, I never hear announcers calling the players on this shit.

This is like just, I mean this is frigging, there's no more, no more fundamentals. Oh my fucking hernia I'm going to talk about that in a few Oof I think I got a sports hernia I'm not sure

When you push When you have to take a dump And it hurts Is that a sports hernia? If shitting is a sport Maybe so Oh I wanted to talk about The NFL ref getting suspended.

Remember last week? Was it a week? Last week, a Redskins player and an official got into it. It was an umpire. Roy Ellison, his name was, I think. The NFL suspended him for one game without pay for allegedly making a profane and derogatory statement to offensive lineman Trent Williams at the Redskins. Yeah.

The player for the Redskins, William said Ellison, who was the ref, cussed him out during a Redskins drive late in the first half. And accusation teammates backed. Williams said Ellison walked by him after a play and called him a garbage ass, disrespectful motherfucker. That's what the ref said to the player. You can't talk to a ref like that. Come on. What happened in the good old days? You know, people had manners.

Coaches had manners. You know, they spoke to the ref properly. You know what I'm talking about. Mr. Official, let me ask you something. How can six of you miss a play like that, huh? Oh, six of you. The ball jumped out of there as soon as we made contact. I thought you were talking about you being on the field.

No. What? See? Mr. Official. That was Hank Stram. He used to have a nice sports coat on and a necktie. Mr. Official, let me ask you something. Not, hey, you garbage-ass motherfucker.

Apparently, this official, Roy Ellison, says that Williams, the player for the Redskins, said, fuck you, and call them the N-word. After Ellison warned him about using such profanities during the course of the game. So, yeah. I mean, the ref, you know, his head's in the right place. But, I mean, come on. It's a football game, and the N-word was used,

and you're going to tell a player you can't say that shit? Come on. F-you, call him the N-word. So he gave it back to him. By the way, the ref is black, an older gentleman, it looks like. So, of course, Williams, the player for the Redskins, denies it, said he didn't use any derogatory statements. I'm sorry, but why would a ref make all this shit up?

I got to go with a ref on this one. I mean, I believe the ref, but, you know, it is the NFL, and it, you know, we know about the whole incognito thing. So obviously if it goes on in the locker room, you're going to hear the type of language on the field. It's the one place you should be able to say that word. That and in Congress, I think.

Those are the two places you should be able to say the N-word. I miss the good old days, folks. I don't mean to, again, romanticize the past, but the NFL. You know? The Raiders, the 70s, when they were filthy. I mean, the dirtiest team to ever put on a uniform. That's the, those are the days I miss. You garbage-ass motherfucker!

The autumn wind is a pirate. Blustering in from sea with a rollicking song he sweeps along, swaggering voicelessly. His face is weather-beaten. He wears a hooded sash with a silver hat about his head and a bristling black mustache. He growls as he storms the country, a villain big and bold. And the trees all shake and quiver and quake as he robs them of their gold.

The autumn wind is a raider, pillaging just for fun. He'll knock you round and upside down and laugh when he's conquered and won. Bum, bum, bum. Of course, the great John Fasenda. Oh, what a voice, huh? You know who tries to sound like him now? Chris Berman. Chris Berman, who, look, I respect the know who tries to sound like him? No, Chris Berman. Chris Berman, who, look, I respect the guy. He's been in it a long time, but his shtick is getting old. I think we all know.

But he always talks like this. He runs out of it and works like this. And then the Raiders beat him. But then he goes like this at the end of his sentence. And then he'll catch his breath again. He'll talk like this. The Jets were at the Patriots. And they threw them on a touchdown. Then he'll catch his breath again. He'll talk like this. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots.

The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots.

The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots.

The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots.

The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots. The Jets were at the Patriots fucking corn on the cob. They all want to sound like Vicenda. He'll never be duplicated. The best ever. The best. What else? Oh. Oh, there was one other thing about the NFL that was bugging me.

Oh, teams that can't fucking score inside the 10-yard line. They have no imagination down there. And this even goes to Belichick. Oh, they do the same goddamn thing. They get within like, I'm not even talking about inside the 20, inside the 10. They run off tackle three times, and then they try that stupid fade pass into the corner, which has worked. The last time it worked was 1986 in the fucking Peach Bowl.

Stop with that stupid pass. Three off tackle runs or two off tackle runs, and then on third down, they try to throw that fade into the corner. Never fucking works ever. Happened today in a game. Of course, it was the Packers. Packers-Vikings. I need the Packers to get a touchdown

because I got them given three and a half. And what are they doing? They run two off tackle. They're on the five-yard line, four-yard line. They run two off tackles. They get stuffed. And then they throw a stupid fade into the corner. And naturally, it doesn't work. And then they kick a goddamn field into the corner. And naturally, it doesn't work.

And then they kick a goddamn field goal. Naturally, I'm laying three and a half. So I lose that game by a half a point. Fucking mix it up. Run a reverse down there. Toss, sweep. Jesus. Block somebody.

What the hell's going on out here? Exactly. Exactly. I'm afraid to see who's fucking winning the pool again. Probably Aunt Jenna. Just me yelling hurts the hernia. Who's got a hernia out there? I'm going to have to call my brother.

I think he got cut a few years ago. My buddy Jason Cantor had it done. I mentioned this in the last show and he sent me a picture of some guy some guy was like 70 years old completely naked and he's got his arms out straight completely naked he's like on a sidewalk in Las Vegas somewhere and he's got these huge bulges above like where your pubic hair is they're like two giant pumpkins and uh i have like a small lump there i think praying it's a hernia not fucking cancer but um yeah i think it's i i googled all this shit i think i have a sports hernia because it hurts in my groin and goes up to my hip and my right nut is aching like i just get hit with a ground ball if i get get hit in the nuts, you know that dull ache?

I have that all the time when I'm sitting down. And I was told to, I told you 12, 13 years ago by an Indian doctor in Queens that I should have him done, went for a second opinion. Another guy said, well, you don't have to do it right now. So, oh, yeah, 13 years later. I'm afraid to do it because I'm waiting to see uh waiting to see with my insurance my health insurance with a great fucking president damn hope you know i want to make sure i don't have to reach into my own pocket but um the thing i don't like about this hernia thing i always hear

about they shave your pubes i actually google this people have a whole discussion online um ask for a male ask for a male nurse to do that uh you don't want a female why not i'm married for 20 years the idea of a 19 year old you know nurse's assistant shaving my balls i'm gonna be honest with you doesn't sound that bad then some people online say well they knock you out and they shave you when you're out sometimes. Or you can shave yourself before you go or whatever. I think I might request a female. I would not be comfortable with a guy down there. I'm not very comfortable when I get a male, you know, my primary care guy.

Sticks his finger in my ass and grabs my balls. I don't like that. 98% of the people that have touched my balls and my groin and my ass have been women in my life. I'm proud to say that. So don't ask me about the other 2%. But I think I would go with a girl shaving the pubes. You know? Or do I do it myself?

I don't know. I'll leave a little Hitler mustache like the strippers do or something. You know. Scare the doctors. I'll put a little Hitler mustache like the strippers do or something. You know. Scare the doctors. I'll put a swastika down there or something. I don't know. But I think I got to have this done. I can't put it off anymore.

I haven't been able to work out for like a month now. And yeah. I'm guessing sports hernia. Looked it up. And they say the only time you can get any kind of relief from it is when you're laying, uh, stomach down, and you put your, like, your right leg out, and that's, I'm finding all this is, this is true, it's the only time I get any relief from the dull ache, and, uh, I think I got one on the left, too, folks, I'm 51, man, this shit happens,

So, folks, I'm 51, man. This shit happens. It's like being in a car. Shit just starts breaking. It's kind of frightening. But I would go with a female doctor, wouldn't you? That never bothers me. I went to a skin doctor up by where I live here.

She looked like she was 28 years old. She looked like a model. Found her online. Went to a skin doctor because I had like a rash on my side and on my back. Some type of fungus. I don't know where it's coming from. Probably the, you know, Red Roof Inn in Atlanta or wherever the fuck I was. Minneapolis.

And, yeah. She was stunning. And I wrote a joke about it i'm like yeah i wish the rash was somewhere else and quinn colin quinn goes yeah the punchline is cut to cut to you fucking billy gardell's yoga mat it's a fungus joke or fucking a 10-year-old pair of moccasins. That was the other one. Mother of God. So I got to get caught. When do you do that, though? I don't have time.

I'm editing. I'll be going to be editing for the next month with this kid. What else? It's the price of getting old. There was some good news, you remember the female, New York firefighter Proby, who was allowed to graduate from the academy,

without passing a required running test, well she finally quit, yay, yay, chalk went up for common fucking sense, yeah, Yay. Yay. Chalk went up for common fucking sense. Yeah. She didn't make the 12-minute cutoff. Wendy Tapia.

She's 31 years old. This is her sixth attempt to run one and a half miles in 12 minutes or less, and she failed again and finally quit. They were giving her a pass. Okay? First of all, she's one of five women among the 285 new firefighters who graduated from the FDNY's

Randall Island Trailing Academy on May 17th. The class was hailed as one of the most diverse ever. So, who gives a fuck? Diversity is such fucking horseshit. Okay? And this is why.

It should be about merit, shouldn't it? Especially in a case like this. You're at the top of a burning building. I used to have a bit for this. I'm not going to look it up. I can't fucking remember. But who do you want coming up the ladder? You're in a burning building.

Really? Do you want somebody with the physique of fucking Sandy Duncan? Or do you want a big... I want a big fat Irish guy with a beer in one hand and just grabs me by the scruff of my neck in the other. I want a chick going up there. And it's not fair to the other broads who actually passed the test. This girl was getting a pass.

Because there's something called the United Women Firefighters. That's a group of active and retired firefighter women. They gave Tappy another chance to pass the test. Why did they get that power? Why the fuck did they get that power? But she failed again and finally quit, which is only fair to the guys who had to run the 12 minutes, the mile and a half and under 12 minutes,

and the other girls that had to do it. I don't understand this. Let's lower standards out of fairness once again. It is such horseshit. That's not how this country got great, folks. And I know there was a need for affirmative action at one time and stuff because there was a lot of racism. Shit, we're so far past that now, okay?

If you can make somebody busy if you can make somebody money a white guy they're gonna hire you okay and uh same thing with the military you used to have to do somebody told me you still have to do um i don't know like 20 pull-ups or something now because there's women in military you have to do like eight how is that you're only is an army is only as good as its strongest soldier how the fuck is that good same with the nfl now they have to, you know, they have to interview if a head coaching job, there's a rule that they have to interview like five black

coaches. Why? Why? If the hundred best football coaches on the planet were black, then every head coach in the NFL should be black. Do you get what I'm saying? Or if they were Asian, it should be all Asian. Or if they were white, all white.

It should be based on merit. Okay, this isn't 1960 anymore. So I'm glad she quit. That's the point of it. Good riddance. She kept making up excuses. She had a respiratory infection. She had a foot injury. Can you fucking imagine? Who the fuck is the United Women Firefighters Group? Why do they even exist? Why is there a black caucus in Congress? How the fuck does that even work? Oy. Oy. So, uh, she's going to be a paramedic.

Yeah, that's not important to have strength and stamina. That's about all I got to whine about folks excuse me yes so uh i'll keep you up to date on the speeding ticket the editing will be going well we're gonna bang this out i'm gonna be in there with this kid like as many nights as possible. And have a good Thanksgiving. If I don't talk to you before then, I don't think I will. Again, I'm doing this now. I'm trying to get this out soon. I don't know when you're going to listen to this. I'm not sure. But that'll be

a day or two before Thanksgiving. And, you know, enjoy your turkey. Eat that and all the stuffing and it'll constipate you for the next fucking year and a half. Nothing better than a turkey fart in your car when you're by yourself after Thanksgiving, and you'll get to hang out with relatives you don't talk to for the rest of the year. And that is about it.

I'm looking at my picks. I'll give you an idea how bad I am as far as the NFL. I had the Baltimore Jets game right. I had Atlanta-New Orleans wrong. I had the Cardinals given a point and a half to the Bears. Who gives a shit? I have one, two, three,

four right so far with four games to go. I'm the fucking worst there is. Alright. Happy holidays to you. Actually, I'm spending Thanksgiving with Louis C.K. He actually invited me and the wife to his house. I don't know who's going to be there.

Hopefully some power players. Somebody from the Weather Channel. Maybe I can play the saxophone over the local eights. You kids take care of yourselves. Until next time, go wash the tub. Good day, everybody. go uh go wash the tub good day everybody guitar solo