The Nick DiPaolo Show - 010 - Milan

Episode Date: December 17, 2013

Milan

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. What's up, kids? It's Nick DiPaolo. How are you? What's going on? Long time no speak-o. Ha ha. Freezing day. Woke up today.

Noticed my alarm clock was blinking. Which means I lost power. But see, I didn't know I lost power. Why? Because I have a generator. Best purchase I ever made in my life. I live in the woods up in northern Westchester at the end of a dead end road. So when the neighborhood loses power, I'm usually the last one to get it back on or whatever.

So the guy that I bought this house from was nice enough to tell me my best move would be to get a generator. And not one of those ones that you pour gas in every six hours and have to pull the cord, which, I mean, I'll do, but because I live in such a remote area, I needed, like, something that, you know, kicks on and stays on. So I spent, like, I don't know, $16,000, $17,000 on a Kohler generator. It was the best purchase I ever made. It let me down when we first got the generator. I don't know, the circuit board burnt out or something on its own. And then mice found its way into the generator and, you know, built a home in there and short-circuited everything. So there were two

different incidents. But that was years ago. Since then, this thing has come on numerous times again because i live way the hell out in nowhere and uh it's beautiful the power goes out this thing kicks on you wouldn't even know the power went out kicks on in like a second and uh runs on uh i have uh you know propane gas a 250 gallon tank and uh yeah i woke up this morning and that thing was running and i saw my alarm clock the clock blinking which means uh i don't know what happened i don't know if somebody hit a utility pole in their car or whatever because the weather wasn't bad it was just freezing i'm talking to you on a monday you'll probably get this uh tomorrow but um yeah so that thing ran i don't, for a couple hours in the morning.

Got to have my coffee and everything else. Had an electrician come in a few years ago, wire up certain things. When we first had it put in, we only had a few rooms that ran off the generator. Then we added a couple more, and now it's like it's not even, you know, make sure you got the basics, the television, the coffee maker, the living room, the TV room, my office. And, yeah, that is, if you're thinking about it, do it. Get a generator if you live out in the middle of nowhere like I do. So, yeah, nasty, nasty weekend.

I was at Governor's. Well, it's a good time, actually, to give out my upcoming dates. Only a couple left in December. The Flying Monkey Theater in Plymouth, New Hampshire. I heard it's very nice. That's on the 27th of this month, and then a couple nights later,

me and the very funny Robert Kelly, we're going to be at the Mount Airy Casino. And I think it's the Poconos on the 30th of December. That'll be a killer show. Bob Kelly's a funny son of a bitch, I'll tell you. He lives up by me. He's about 10 minutes down the road. I gave him a ride home from the comedy cell the other night.

Guy's doing great. Deserves to be doing great. Funny son of a gun. Couldn't be happier for him. He's got a new baby, a great wife, and yeah, he's right down the road.

And he's in a temporary house right now. I believe he's staying in the guy that used to own the comedy cell. Manny has a house up here, and Manny had passed away, and I know Noam, his son, had the Comedy Cellar, Manny, has a house up here. And Manny had passed away. And I know Noam, his son, had the house.

And I think Bob, that's where Bob's staying for now. It's a nice house. And he bought a house not far away from that one, a few minutes away, which I guess he's going to be closing on sometime in late December. So good for him, good for his wife, Dawn. She's great. And they got a little kid, Max, who's cute as hell. And yeah, if you come out to see us at the Mount Airy Casino on the 30th, you'll hear all about, you know, Bob changing shitty diapers. And

it scares me that he's a dad because I've known him a long time, but he seems like a great dad. Actually couldn't, i've never seen the guy happier in my life i've never been more miserable um i was at governor's yeah speaking of shitty weather uh friday and saturday friday wasn't bad uh saturday night though oof i'm laying there during the afternoon they're like yeah the snow's gonna kick in around four o'clock the first show is at seven i live about an hour away so i'm like beautiful and it's gonna pick up throughout the night and it was it was everything they said it was gonna be when i left here and like it usually takes me an hour the first show is it i think seven i gave myself two hours i left here

at like 10 of five and i needed every freaking minute of it i mean you know i'm up here in westchester we pay taxes through the asshole okay i mean the highest taxes in the country and the plowing is horseshit i get on the uh the taconic and it's you know it's plow but it's not down to the street it's like it's like packed down snow and ice i don't know what the buck's going on i mean just slip slide in the way frightening white knuckle ride all the way and it was coming down and uh yeah i get up to about maybe 35 miles an hour all the way 40 miles an hour i don't know and uh then there's always that asshole that blows by you like it's 88 degrees and sunny in August.

And I saw a couple of spin outs on the other side. I was heading south, heading north on the Taconic. I saw a guy spin right out in front of me, bounce off both guardrails, just going way too fucking fast. I don't know if it was a guy or a woman I couldn't see. And, you know, it's crazy. But I woman I couldn't see and you know it's crazy but I got this infinity that's fucking great in the snow man it has a button it says snow on it I press it I don't know turns it into a four wheel or all wheel drive whatever

and it's great but it was still it was just this freezy shitty sleety shit and drive like an old lady and yeah from where I am down all the way to the Throgs Neck Bridge, it was just really horrible, and then I get down there, and it's like kind of sleety, more rainy shit, and the streets finally, I see actual pavement, and I can finally pick up speed, which I do for about a quarter mile and then out of nowhere these three fucking sanding trucks pull out in front of us and and pin us back this is so typical

of the government they're just in the way of everything the streets weren't even that bad about a mile from the throgs neck and we're uh you know we're finally on hot top it's a little wet and slippery yeah and they're throwing sand on it and keeping us back and they're going like four miles an hour for about six miles and uh it was just frustrating as hell man three abreast i don't know i just remember back in the day it would be like one one or two trucks if it was three lanes it'd leave one open but uh you know i don't. I'll take the chance of my car getting scratched by your sander. What the fuck? So that was kind of frustrating, and, yeah, slid into the parking lot about five minutes before showtime,

and, yeah, it was pretty nerve-wracking, man. I'll tell you. It's not so much you get out there, and it's not so much about you're not worried about you losing control. It's the idiots that blow by you, and then you have the other people who doing two miles an hour it's like what are you even doing out literally these fucking people going like five and six you know it's fucking snow it's not olive oil douchebags step on it so i got down there and uh thank you people coming out the governors

you know because of the weather it wasn't it wasn't the both crowds are kind of small and uh but they came out which surprised me and uh i mean the owners actually the night before my buddy mark's like look if it's too bad don't come you know almost inviting me and i could have i think i got a call in the middle of the afternoon and said, look. But I felt I owed it to the people at Governor's. The guys that run it do a great job. And the people, the audiences are always great there for me. So, and the hardcore ones came out.

A little politically correct, second shot. A little touchy, a little fucking whiny for Levittown. Usually you can get away with murder down there but but uh they came out anyways not that many of them but enough so i could get paid thank you so much governors and uh what the hell else that's one place that's one club where i will go out after the show and hang out with the folks at the bar. Kind of an unofficial meet and greet. I don't know what's going on in this business. And I love you people, you know that.

But I've been doing it for 26, 27 years. Meet and greet was never part of the stand-up. It wasn't in our job description. Now every gig you do, they want to know if you're going to do a meet and greet. Some of them try to put it right in the contract. Back in the day, that was, if they wanted you to do a meet and greet, which is shaking hands like you're running for fucking mayor and kissing babies and shit, which I don't like to do.

I'm not comfortable around people, especially people I just performed in front of. Because, you know, some of them want to meet me. Other ones want to stab me. The girls want to yell at me. They don't like this. I'm uncomfortable. I always have been with small talk. So that's why it's not nothing personal.

But a lot of these gigs ask you now, you know, are you going to do a meet and greet? Well, yeah, if you're going to throw in an extra 500 or an extra grand, I will. That's how it used to be. I did gigs. I remember I did a couple gigs with Bob Levy, and the broker wanted us to do meet and greets, and we got extra money for it. I think I'm going to make Bob Levy my agent. But, yeah, now all the gigs ask.

And who was I talking to today? I forget, but they said they were talking about this with Amy Schumer and she has the same take on it as I do she doesn't do meet and greets just she doesn't you know I don't know if it's for the same reason I do I just I'm uncomfortable you know I'm uncomfortable you know meeting people and and making small talk I just I'm not good at it I get nervous nothing personal but uh once in a while i'll come out like it like it uh governors i've been going there forever so i know a lot of the people so i'll go out and say hi and uh but it's nothing personal you know but all of a sudden

they're working that into the job description it's like for christ's sake we already do your marketing for you we uh you know we plug plug our dates on social media for you. I mean, how much, what else do you want from us for crying out loud, you know? Oh, you got to make it a pleasant experience for the audience. They like that to meet you. Yeah, well, again, it's not part of my job. As Jay Leno said, show up, tell joke, get check. That's why I get into it.

Very simple. Don't get me wrong. if there's a 22 year old girl with big tits who's staring at me from table six all night yeah i'm gonna go out and say hello but then her you know her drunk husband will come over and get me in a headlock and you know fucking no give me but i just don't like doing it you know and i'm sure uh real big names i don't like doing it, you know. And I'm sure real big names, I don't know, I'd like to see their contracts, see if they still get paid for meet and greet. And Colin was telling, Quinn was telling me a great story. I guess Billy Burr was talking to Amy Schumer about this

and how Amy was telling Billy Burr that she doesn't like to do them. And Billy's like, no, I got a, dude, I got a method, you know. I go out there, I shake a hand, quick picture, and I go, okay, who's next? Who's next? Who's next? So Billy's telling everybody how he likes to do the meet and greets. And then later on at the Comedy Cell after the show, some kid comes up to him, puts his arm out and goes, let me get a picture with this ginger, which is kind of a derogatory

term for a redheaded Irish person. And Billy's like, what the fuck, dude? Get the fuck away. Enough of this shit. He was just, just, you know, just bragging about how he liked to do those things. And it's, you know, a lot of people are inebriated and it's kind of fucking annoying, you know. If I'm inebriated, I might wander out there. But not a big fan. So me and Bob Kelly are doing this gig, like, on the 30th. And my agent calls me today and goes, I get an email from my agent saying,

do you guys want to do a, are you guys going to do a meet and greet? How do you feel? And first of all, he goes, you guys, we're Martin and fucking Lewis. I i can't speak for bob you know i'm like well if it wasn't in the original contract which you sent me a couple of months ago um i you know i agreed to what i read two months ago and if it's not in there i'm not doing it i'm not comfortable doing it anyways but i i don't like, you know, when gigs call in the 11th hour

and start asking if you're going to do this and that. Don't, I hope they don't take this wrong because I'm looking forward to this gig. I heard Mount Airy Casino say it's great, so I want to do the gig. I just, I'm not good. I'm not good mingling with strangers, is what I'm saying.

Maybe Bobby will do it. I don't know. I don't sell shit either. I did that for about seven, eight months, probably 15 years ago, after my first CD came out. And that was, to me, just the most humiliating experience,

standing there with your merchandise. What am I, Ron Popeilal for christ's sake and uh it was so funny you could never tell when you're gonna sell a lot of shit i'd have a killer show you almost get a standing ovation it plays to be 280 people and you'd sell two cds you're standing there at the table like willie loman like an asshole and then i'd have other shows you do a mediocre set you're like that didn't go that. And you'd sell 55 after a show. It was a real mind fuck. I couldn't deal with it.

But just standing there, how you doing? And it made the people awkward. The people that are leaving the show makes them feel awkward. And I always get advice. Well, you should have have somebody else,

you know, people that work the club, have them sell it. And I've done that, too. But they don't want that. People want to meet you. They don't want to meet the waiter. You know, if the waitress is good, she'll sell a couple if she's good looking.

You know, guys that do anything get up close to a pair of tits. Anyway, you're looking at my tits. Nick wants you to buy this. So I did that for about eight months and it's just oh very I don't know just just very I felt it feels very desperate and humiliating and you can make great though man how about Jeff Dunham and peanut that uh the puppeteer guy that dude I heard he sells like those puppets you know helllloween jalapeno on a stick and kevin on a rock and fucking old man grumpy he wasn't shit on a mouse uh he sells those at like

i don't three four hundred dollars a pop and he like he's i mean he sells hundreds of them this guy made 38 million dollars a couple years ago i remember reading i remember i was reading an article about uh jeff dunham and he was he said he knew he was at a low point. He only made like a million and a half one year. He said it was his worst year in years, which is unbelievable. But, you know, kids go crazy over those puppets. Guy makes some serious do-re-mi. So I got that DVD coming out uh beginning hopefully you

know i i can't really pinpoint the date we're still in editing now they're colorizing it i know nothing about this shit and the guy this kid is so good this kid jeremy works for audio engine he's um you know i i went and sat next to him while we and i told him what bits i want in and what bits i want out. I did all that. But after that, I leave it in his hands. I don't know.

Coloring from my ass, you know, it's not like there's a tint button like you had on the TV in 1986. Um, and he sells, sends me samples and they all look, they all look great. The kid does such great work.

I'm like, yeah, I'll let you pick. I don't know. I don't know i don't know the fucking difference and the colorization is like a two-week process it's longer than editing the actual bits and then we have to go into audio to do this um and that's another crew that works for audio engine and they put me in a room with speakers. And again, it's funny.

You'd think, well, you're a comedian, you'd know about it, but no. It's not like I've pumped out 100 specials. And the technology, they can do anything, man. But it's going to be called Another Senseless Killing. And I do have the artwork. I talked about it on a previous podcast for the front cover, which was my idea, my concept, and it's pretty cool.

And it's coming out just the way we want it to. And it's a really funny DVD. It's actually dirty for me. And people go, oh, you're kind of dirty. No, I'm really not. I like to curse a lot, but my material's not. You know, I don't do a lot of sex stuff, but this one does have a lot of stuff about asshole bleaching,

vaginal rejuvenation, me and the wife fighting, and homeless guy jerking off on a subway, and all kinds of stuff. Naturally, food bits. I don't know why somebody puts... You look at my Wikipedia, they keep going, Nick DiPaolo known for his whatever racial blah, blah, blah, and his food bits.

He always talks about... And I guess they're right. He can't really argue with it. I have a chunk on the Food Network, but I think you guys are going to like this one a lot. So look for that at the beginning of 2014. Again, I don't know how long it takes i gotta do the artwork too you know and um we'll see uh what happens what else has been going on christmas right around the

corner i shop online folks i don't leave the house i went i left the house for myself last week i drove up to the jefferson valley mall and went into like macy's and i just don't know how to fucking shop man i don't know what i'm i just get overwhelmed i i go in the fitting room what's with the fitting room mirrors they're like funhouse mirrors is it me i look in the fucking mirror it looks like i i never touched a weight in my life i got the physique of a 70-year-old woman. I'm fucking putting on these jeans. I got like a muffin top. I am so 51.

It's fucking scary, man. I stopped working out because I get this hernia, this sports hernia. Can't take a dump without almost passing out. And I can't get this fixed because of freaking Obamacare. My insurance is up in the air. The wife's in the office all day shopping around, trying to put a plant together. And the doctors that we've been using for the last 10 years who we love aren't in the network. And the insurance companies are not going to use the Obama exchanges.

They refuse to go into those exchanges. It couldn't be more of a fucking nightmare. They refused to go into those exchanges. It couldn't be more of a fucking nightmare. And just, I hope this costs the fucking Democrats the next 40 years just for making me miserable, making me walk around with a hernia. So I can't work out. I mean, I've gone over a month without working out.

It's the first time probably that I've gone that long since seventh grade. And it looks it, man. I'm in the fitting room going, nice tits. Look like a fucking woman in her late 70s well is it the lighting in there that makes you you don't have an ounce of definition or is it just am i that i know i'm not that out of shape there's no way my wife would hang herself i guess maybe not but uh. I go to check in the fitting room, and tell me this isn't how it always works. I have, you know, four items in my hand. I go to the, I find the fitting room I go to,

and there's nobody there. How many times has that happened? And they're all locked. And whoever's in charge is out there folding sweaters and socks. And that really fucking irritates me. Then they come over like I'm inconveniencing them. And the girl opens the door for me,

and she goes, and your name? And I go, why? She's like in her late 20s or whatever. She looked like she had a shock look on her face. I'm like, why do you need my name? Oh, just to follow up. Well, I don't want you to fucking follow up. I'm going to go in there,

try on these pants with my sweaty balls, leave a stain in the crotch, and then I'm going to come out, and then I'm going to throw them in a pile and let you fold them. Because that's what you do. But what do you need my name for? I don't know. So I went, I go like this to her. I go, um, Peter.

And she goes, something tells me that that's not really a name. And I'm like, something tells me you're a fucking detective. To follow up. What do you mean, follow up? Are you going to go, Nick? Is she going to stand outside and go, Nick? Do those pants fit in the ass? I noticed you had a nice ass.

They fit? I hope they fit. Come on out. Let me take a look. I feel like saying, you know, I wish 20 years ago you asked me my name. I would have been impressed. Try to take you out on a date. But I become that crotchety guy.

I go, why? Why do you need my name fucking NSA in there can't just do a simple trans and that's the other thing man I got one I go up to the register with my shit there's one lady in front of me I think oh no big deal and of course she knows the cash register woman they know each other how's Diane's kids I heard Bobby had an opera is he still playing hockey fucking they're waiting for a card her credit card to clear and then the broad can't get the uh you know those plastic things that they put on clothes those big snaps so you don't steal them thank you you know who and they're trying to get the plastic thing off and she doesn't have the right tool for it

she goes I'll be right back she leaves she's gone for like seven minutes and i'm just fucking seething and it's me i know it's me i'm a type triple a personality i'm just like my old man when we were kids my old man would go to dairy queen would drive by if there were two people in line he'd go we're not going there we're not gonna fucking wait my mother would start screaming at him but that's how i am and and but it seems i just you know used to hand the people clothes they'd go okay that's 140 foot all here's a credit card and you swipe it through and you're done but would you like to open a macy's christmas day savings kit bucket no how about the... Then she starts, the lady starts filling out the fucking... Many times I've just hung the clothes right there

on whatever was closest to me when they don't belong and walked out. It's my problem. It's not theirs. I'm just, like I said, I could be walking down the... I could be in a mall and Gisele Bundchen could be giving out blowjobs at a booth. And if there was five people in front of me, I'm going to go to Foot Locker and look at sneakers. Don't have the time.

Let's talk about my insomnia, which is continuing. It's affecting my life. That was funny when I was driving a governor's, man. I was half in a coma because i didn't sleep on friday night again went to bed at 1 30 quarter to woke up at 5 28 i wake up between five and six o'clock and uh saturday i come home from the gig saturday after doing two shows and that white knuckle ride home and i am just i'm wound up I didn't sleep the night before you'd think I'd be out on my feet and um so I take three Benadryl which I've never even taken one before my wife

said it makes you drowsy I take three Benadryl and I do two shots of Quavo and I had a couple rum and cokes at the club and that kept me down from from two quarter or two in the morning till 8 30 i was so excited i made it to 8 30 but then i'm all agitated all day it sort of gave me that ambient effect there's something in in that stuff that makes you fucking crazy and uh but it but that's what it took it took booze so yeah two two two drinks at the club a couple shots of quavo and uh three benadryl i don't know what's wrong with me people say it's depression i don't know what it is something's keeping me up there's nothing on my mind. Everything's fine, basically.

You know? Other than I'm shitting out my small intestines because of the hernia. But that's what it took to knock me out. And I told you, I can't take the Ambien. That stuff makes me crazy. Crazy. You know what I have been doing? I've been doing this every morning for about two three weeks now i've been grabbing like bags of spinach and kale and just filling a blender

with raw spinach you know spinach leaves adding just a little liquid some fruit juice so it doesn't taste like my ass and uh just you know making a 16 ounce green drink they say that's the that's the lifeblood for your cells that the green leafy shit is the best thing in the world for your body so i've been doing that and taking nice muddy dumps this is there's a downside to everything yeah my skin looks great and i have a lot of energy, but my shit is like seaweed. Not a pretty sight. But it does give you energy, I guess. Maybe that's what's keeping me up.

Can't be. It's been going on for eight months. NFL, let's talk about it. Since this is Monday. Again, you'll get this probably Tuesday, but let's talk about what went on in the NFL this weekend. Start with my Patriots. They just got too many injuries.

They're not going to overcome. Again, I'm in this pool. I picked on Wednesday. I did my picks, and I took the Dolphins until right before game time. I watched NFL pregame, and everybody at the desk took the Patriots. So I changed my picks to the Patriots, given two and a half or whatever. I think they were favored. And sure enough, they just that you can't do it man they're just they're gonna do enough to get into the playoffs but they just there's too many

injuries you can't think about this folks think about this no aaron henendez no gronkowski no wes welker i don't know how they're doing it. And Christ, they didn't have Cabral Tompkins, whatever his name is, a young kid who's been doing a lot. He wasn't even there this weekend. Everybody is frigging out. And Amendola is no Welker. He should

have caught that ball right near the end. Brady placed it perfectly. Defensive back made an unbelievable play on Amendola. But you know who cost the Patriots the game? The goddamn kicker. And he's having an all-pro year, Gostkowski. Guy's got a cannon for a leg.

He kicks the goddamn thing out of bounds. Gives the frickin' Dolphins the ball at the 40 for the final drive. No Gerard Mayo, no Will Fork on defense. They just got too many, too many key injuries, yet they're doing enough to make it to the playoffs, and they're going to, you know, I just don't think they're going to go anywhere, especially after watching Seattle.

But I'll say this again. I said it on the last podcast. The 49ers are still my pick. They were at the beginning of the year. And they're going steady. They're going slow and steady. They're getting their shit together. But Seattle does look like world beaters right now.

But there's something about Harbaugh as a coach. I want him in a big game. I just think the 49ers are so balanced. And so is Seattle. But something tells me the nine is a-going. And then, what else? Denver. Peyton, you know, the Pats had a chance.

Peyton lost last week to San Diego. Thought we were going to maybe have the best record in the AFC, and that goes down the toilet. I think all the better. But to have the kicker do that to the Pats, Brady did everything he could. And then what other games? Oh, the Dallas Cowboys, 26-3. They're leading at halftime against the Rogerless Packers, need I remind you.

26-3, and they showed their true colors. They're not going anywhere because they don't have a defense. They don't have a defense, and they don't have a quarterback who exactly rises to the occasion, does he? Mr. Romo does it again. Just throws a couple of picks, and he's just just i think he gets and i love him i hate to say this i mean i'm a romo fan people are rough on him but they have good reason to be this guy was an undrafted you know he's a he was a free agent for christ's sake now he's a hundred million

dollar quarterback you can't be doing this you can't be doing this i think i have, I got some actual footage. Yeah, we got audio of Tony Romo in the last few minutes against the Packers this weekend. Oh, the poor bastard. I can't, man, some people are done good under pressure. And he makes the big plays right up to the last five minutes when they need to be made. But I don't understand why Dallas stopped running the ball. They were running all over the Packers. Why did he start throwing it in the second half? I don't get it.

They were up 26-3. The league stinks. You know that. It really is. It's just, you know how i feel i just watch these games and it's like jesus christ who else laid an egg um oh we gotta talk about des bryant too i want to like this guy so much because he really is he has the physical tools to be the greatest ever it's like Megatron but he's just a he's just a head case so he stormed off the field like a

minute and a half before the game was over and then today he comes out and says because he didn't want people to see him crying that's how much he cares folks what a bunch of horse shit you stay on the sideline with your team okay be a professional i hope this guy grows up i really do what is it with wide receivers and their diva personalities you might as well have fucking elton john out there he you stay on the field okay till the game's friggin over we know you give a shit about yourself that's who you really give a shit about guys get all the tools mates made an unbelievable play in that game but um i think he went into the locker room because he if he didn't he would have snapped romo's neck that's what i think and then of course i'm watching around the horn which i love actually

when that show first came out i'm like oh. That's all we need is more talking heads. But that Anthony Reale, Tony Reale, he's great. He's great as a host. But you get that Kevin Blackstone and Bomani Jones, and they always take Des Bryant's side. J.A. Donde actually said he should have stayed on the field, which surprised me. But the angle usually with the brothers on that show is, well, they don't,

how come they don't get upset when a white, like Mark Witten for the Cowboys, lost his temper? The only reason he lost his temper is because Des Bryant was yelling at him. But they always say, the white players don't get the same scrutiny when they lose their temper. So they brought up Tom Brady's press conference after the Dolphins game this weekend, which he took like four or five redundant questions. There was nothing else to be.

He waited, and then went, thank you, real quickly and picked up and left. They were trying to compare that on the show to Dez Bryant storming off the field, which there is. There's a political correctness run amok, okay? Brady stood there, took the questions, waited. There were no more. Anyway, thank you very much.

And left. Like that was a bad thing. People on the internet, he's a fucking crybaby. Oh, it's so fucking tiring. Storming off the field before the game is over. That's being a crybaby.

Okay? Grow the fuck up, Desi. Yeah, so how about Eli Manning? I think he should be checked for colored blindness or something, man. 25 picks this year. Poor bastard. And they're questioning him. Is he all done?

Well, why do you say that maybe the Giants just suck this year why does it have to be they get into dramatics is he ever going to be able to do it again he's got two Super Bowls whoever thought he'd do that and yes he has been horrendous but the whole team has been horrendous that was uh wasn't exactly a weak defense but five picks mama mia that those defensive backs for the Seahawks man they are ball hawks and they are That wasn't exactly a weak defense, but five picks, mamma mia. Those defensive backs for the Seahawks, man, they are ball hawks and they are vicious. I just don't like Pete Carroll, something about him. I know what it is. He coached USC, and anything from California kind of makes me ill sports-wise, I mean.

Yeah, so good weekend as far as uh the sports world zoo uh baseball i don't know how much going on the yanks stole all the thunder last week so that's finally done and i'm as a red sox fan i'm sitting here and i'm a little pissed okay uh we're gonna rely on jackie bradley jr to replace jacoby elsbury. I hope we got somebody else. I mean, defensively, he might be as good, but he doesn't have the stick. And so I would give the edge

to the Yankees. Here comes the center field. At catcher, they got McCann. We get A.J. Brzezinski. Not even saying it right. Close enough. I give the edge to the Yankees. They have Carlos Beltran,

who's an old man with bad knees, but nobody's more clutch come September, October. So, I don't know. Supposedly the Sox are loaded with young talent in AAA. But it makes me nervous.

Some goddamn Yanks doing what they always do. What the hell else did I want to talk about? Oh, hockey. Yes. I am, as you know, I'm a big Bruins fan and there's a player on the Bruins

if you follow hockey you know who he is Milan Lucic he's from Vancouver originally Bruins just had a six game

a six or seven six game road trip I think and it ended in Vancouver and the Canucks gave him a real whipping

I think it was Sunday night Saturday or Sunday night. But Milan Lucic is the Bruins' tough guy, resident tough guy. Well, no, that would be Sean Thornton, who got 15 games for throwing that Pittsburgh Penguin to the ice and then punching him in the face, and he's appealing the suspension. But Milan Lucic is a power forward.

He's like Cam Neely. He can score, and he'll kick the shit out of you. He's got a mean streak in him. He's 6'4", 225, and he's fast becoming one of my favorite Bruins of all time. Like I said, they were in Vancouver, his hometown, where the Bruins had won the Cup a couple years ago, 2011. And I guess even back then, his parents and grandparents got harassed at the game after the Bruins won the Cup.

They vandalized a church that his parents go to in Vancouver. You remember Vancouver after the Bruins beat him? They fucking, you know, started a riot. Remember downtown? They were burning cars and shit. A lot of assholes, apparently, in Vancouver. And Milan Lucic feels the same way because he went to a bar

after the bruins got beat the other night and uh got into a little uh tit-for-tat with some drunken asshole and you know in this situation it's just not fair if you're a famous person whether you're an athlete or whatever, because you can't really defend yourself because that's just what the guy who's provoking you wants you to do is to pop him in the face and then he can take you for all you're worth because he's a worthless piece of shit. So I wouldn't want to get in Lou Cheech's way.

And we have, we got some audio of, this is, and this is Lou Cheech saying, you hit we have, we got some audio of, this is, and this is Lou Cheech saying, you hit me once, you hit me twice. But here's the, here's the audio

of the little altercation outside the bar in Vancouver. You know who you're fucking with, motherfucker? You know who you're fucking with? You know who you're fucking with? I'll fucking kill you. Here you go. Here you? I'll fucking kill you.

Here you go. Here you go. How about I leave? He fucking hit me twice. He hit me twice. He hit me twice. No, no. He hit me twice. He hit me three times.

He hit me three times. Officer. Threaten you. Malaloo Chit is beyond good right now. twice three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three

three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three

three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three You're leaving me! You're leaving me! You're leaving me! You're leaving me! You're leaving me! You're leaving me! You're leaving me!

You're leaving me! You're leaving me! It should only end one way, an altercation like that. If there was any justice in the perfect world, you know. That would be the end of it. Did you hear? That was Lou Chichikov. You hit me twice.

First, I think that was Lou Chichikov. Because you can end of it. Did you hear that was Lou Cheech going, you hit me twice. First, I think that was Lou Cheech going, because you can look at it. This is actual footage. Somebody got it on their cell phone. You know who you fucking with, you motherfucker? That was Lou Cheech. He's giving the guy a warning. There's no way the guy knew. Well, probably he did.

He's obviously a Vancouver guy, but maybe he's just a random drunk. I don't know. But you hit me twice. He hit me twice. No, you hit me three times. But let me tell you, man, it's just, you know, they were just trying to blow off steam, Luchich said. But he said in an article today that he can no longer defend his hometown for the behavior of Vancouver. He said he'll never see him in downtown Vancouver for as long as he lives anymore.

That's what he said. You know, I've been there. It's a gorgeous city, but, you know, it's a gorgeous city but you know it's kind of yepified fucking spoiled jerk ops and um yeah he was shitting all over his hometown and uh says he's not gonna go back there and uh he's he is a badass this is what he does for the bruins and he's not one of these guys that looks for it but uh he came to the bruins when he was 19 and started kicking the shit out of some of the toughest guys that had been in the nhl for a long time and um well here's a here's a couple of his uh i'll give you a few of examples of what he does for the brones when he

he's the leading scorer by the way but he also does it she's just gonna mug it he pulls him to the boards it's an uppercut kamasar tries to get the right in. Lucic piles him into the glass. Kamisar misses under and over. Lucic controlling him. Goes to the gut. Oh, he tags him in the nose. Misses with the right. Kamisar trying to shove him around. Lucic goes to the gut again. Kamisar

Oh, he took one in the jaw. Oh, Lucic is working him over here. Lucic pulls him back. Another uppercut. Throw in the towel. It's a mercy kill. That one's only been brewing for about four years.

This has been a confrontation that's existed since. That's Jack Edwards, who's doing a great job, play-by-play guy for the Bruins. Does anything get you blood pumping harder than a hockey fight, folks? I mean, other than, you know, Bar Rafael. It's an ass. But what is it, man? People always go, I don't think violence on TV causes kids to be violent.

And I always agree with it. But then I think back when i was a kid playing you know hockey in the 70s when we had the big bad bruins and the broad street bullies we used to have street hockey games against other neighborhoods and they would end in an all-out brawl like eight out of ten times and because of what we saw on tv so So I don't know. I'm stuck on that issue. I can go either way because there's plenty of people, obviously. I mean, as long as the kids play violent video games and they don't go out and kill somebody.

But I do remember being influenced by hockey and still to this day. And it was more spontaneous back in the day, even the 70s and 80s, two guys are going to the corner, you know, smash into each other and then drop the glove. Now it's almost choreographed. They line up, you know, they line up for the face off. They have to wait for the puck to drop. If they don't, they get suspended, I guess, if they, you know, immediately go at it. I don't know why that makes it any less, you know, deliberate. I don't know why that makes it any less, you know, deliberate. But they wait for the puck to drop, and then they take their helmet off.

They'll start undressing as they're coming towards you. It gets my blood, I don't know, it's very exciting. I don't know what it is about a hockey fight. Because we grew up on them? I don't know. And people who don't like hockey, I just don i don't understand it man i don't understand it it's honest to god it's as good as anything and if you see it live i've taken a few people who weren't that big and taken them to live hockey games you know and uh they become huge fans it's's just fast. It's violent.

And it's not people who don't follow it go, well, there's too much fighting. No, there isn't. There's hardly any fighting left. And last year, and I don't know, in 80 playoff games or like maybe seven fights, I'm making those statistics up, but I know the percentage was tiny.

Back in the day, you could come off the bench in the 70s you could empty the bench you could fight four or five times now if you you know if you start you know if you provoke the fight after the second one you get tossed I guess so and you can't jump in and they've cleaned it up a lot but you got to leave it in there a little bit

otherwise they'll hack each other to death with the sticks. You watch college hockey where they don't allow fighting. They carry their sticks. There's a lot of stick work up around the face area. But here's a little more of my boy Lucic doing what he does. He wants to go. This has been brewing for a while. It's been about 26 games since Milan Lucic has thrown punches.

Keith Olley turning his chin away. Oh, he got stung there. Lucic working the right hand. There he goes to the ribs. Oh, he caught him on the chin. Lucic has him backed against the ropes. And he flips him. Listen to the crowd at TD Garden Milan Luchich

and he can score he reminds me of an old Canadian Frank Mahavlich who was a real badass in his day he's kind of hunched over like him he's like a big hawk. He's got a lump in the middle of his back and just a tough MF-er. It's a beautiful thing.

Let's have some more. I want to hear some more. Here's another one. It's Matt Bradley. Lucic, couple of big rights, goes under and over. Under and over, under and over, under and over. Tags him on the head. Down goes Bradley.

He gets back up. Lucic hammering away. Gets his hand loose. Bradley misses high. Lucic under. Down goes Bradley. What the fuck? Cosell in there?

Down goes Bradley. This type of savagery deserves no commentary. Woo. commentary. He got into it with a guy named Gadzik this weekend. I can't remember if it was where they were, if it was Edmonton or if it was Vancouver. A guy named Gadzik, though, who was bigger than Lucic and he had long, greasy hair. He looked like if you were going to, you know, cast a hockey going in a movie, you'd pick this guy. And they went toe-to-toe, and this Gadsic did pretty damn good. I mean, it was an old-fashioned, just an old-fashioned Donnybrook. A little of that sprinkled in here and there.

Never hurt anybody is what I say. Well, kids, that's about all I got this week. Again, if you're in the Plymouth, New Hampshire area, the Flying Monkey on December 27th. And on December 30th, me and Bobby Kelly at Mount Airy Casino and the Poconos. They always confuse the Poconos with the Catskills. I mean, what do they have in common?

They're both fucking hills and mountains. That's it. That's why I'm an average student. That's it. I will talk to you kids. When's Christmas? Christmas is a week from Wednesday, I believe. So, um...

You got that to look forward to. I't know it's not as fun it wasn't fun as a kid either Christmas you know I uh I told this joke and it's uh it's kind of true I um my dad would get kind of mad you know and around the holidays when we were kids because he didn't have a lot of money, five kids, you know, and get a little bitter. And I remember I opened my Etch-A-Sketch and it said, fuck you on it. I didn't get mad at my dad

because it takes a lot of F to make a U on an Etch-A-Sketch. It's like a month's work. So it was actually an act of love on his part. And what was the other thing? Oh, I went online last year to find out how to wrap a gift because I don't know how to wrap gifts. I went online and they have videos.

And so I put this video on. This chick was smoking hot. I mean, she was like a 12 on a scale of 10. Blonde hair, blue eyes, big tits, showing how to wrap. And she was like a housewife. She wasn't like a model or anything. And then I ended up, you know, let's say not finishing the video. That's right. Getting a nut off to a girl wrapping a gift. And then I gave my wife a present. She goes, how's the paper staying on? There's no tape on it. How'd you do that?

I don't know. Happy Hanukkah. so uh yeah i will uh talk to you kids probably one more time before christmas i think maybe probably going to the city this weekend do some sets it's hard because i'm just putting away this material that's been around for a year and a half two years and and um so i'm in limbo here i don't have any new stuff yet you hate to go i hate to drive all the way into the city just to do old shit and you don't get paid much when you drive into the city so i'm kind of uh in limbo i gotta start i gotta make an effort sit down write some stuff out i have to listen to my sets from governors this weekend and it was i don't remember saying anything new that i went oh that's terrific i'm glad i recorded

that i don't remember having that feeling but i went, oh, that's terrific. I'm glad I recorded that. I don't remember having that feeling. But I've got to force myself tonight to listen to that shit and to extrapolate something funny out of it. That's how it works. That's the process, folks. Nick DiPaolo, until I see you next time, you know, take care of yourselves. And go wax your eyebrows. Good day, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.