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website do it today Hey, hey, hey, what's going on, kids?
Sorry about the delay in podcasts.
I'll tell you what happened, because I'm getting a few things on Twitter going,
hey, are you ever going to do another podcast?
Are you bored of it already?
At least people give a shit.
I really didn't think anybody would care.
But, yeah, I just got back from vacation.
But right before I went on vacation, like a week before I did a podcast,
I think it was right after the New Year's,
and a couple days later I was going to do another podcast
and have Rob Sprantz, the founder of Riotcast, release it while I was on vacation.
So I think it was the night before I left.
I'm doing the podcast.
I'm about 40 minutes into it.
All of a sudden, my computer screen goes white.
And I don't know what the fuck was going on you know limited knowledge as far as uh
dealing with computers so um yeah the the computer just went white the screen went right and then it
went down like it crashed whatever i don't know my there's some time capsule thing that backs up your computer backs up my
wife's or whatever and um it had something to do with that that was going haywire whatever the
fuck i'm sure a nine year old could have figured it out but um you know i had already went 40
minutes into the podcast and i'm like i'm not this again, and it was kind of shitty anyways, so I wasn't exactly
heartbroken, I wasn't saying a lot, I'll be honest, so, yeah, and the next day, I had to fly out at,
like, I had to get up at 4 30 in the morning, and leave here by 5 to be at JFK by 6, or whatever,
by five to be a JFK by six or whatever.
Went on vacation to St. Bart's.
I mean, I could have, you know, tweeted that while I'm on vacation, but I'm not going to let people know my house is empty.
That's the thing that scares me about this whole technology thing.
Nobody even talks about it.
It's like a recipe for disaster.
People go, oh, okay.
They listen to your podcast they do google earth find
out where you live i mean you know it's very easy i'm no criminal and i can figure it out so um
yeah that was the deal and i felt kind of bad because people like hey where's the podcast
some people are funny though it's like you owe them you know what the fuck
i need a fix what are you doing what are you lazy somebody call me lazy
uh a little reminder we do this for nothing okay but uh it's still fun so uh yeah vacation was
great went to st bart's third time uh me and the wife have gone there. I sound like
Mel in Scarface. Me and the
wife are going to London. Never been there before.
Throwing a couple of round trip tickets.
What do you say, Tony?
Yes is an answer to that too, Tony.
So, um,
hmm. Off to St. Barts
we went.
And, uh, yeah,
it was fun. Came back about eight eight pounds heavier it's just the getting up
it's the fucking getting up and traveling man i just have to don't stand up for so long i just i
really you might have noticed my schedule over the past few years i don't uh fly around too much i
just i fucking hate it i can't deal with the fucking lines, the TSA, the fucking idiots.
CNN on every television in every airport just blaring their left-wing horseshit.
That's my biggest fear.
Those are the last words I'm going to hear is from Wolf Blitzer before my plane crashes.
What the fuck is that?
Nobody's even watching the TVs in the airports.
Can we please do something about it?
People are trying to read a newspaper or a book.
Nobody's even listening. Fucking Obama's giving some speech is supposedly important it's hilarious
i'm looking around nobody is looking up at the tv might as well burn that guy that used to get
stains out of shirts billy what the fuck was his name died of cocaine um yeah nobody's nobody's
listening and it's just blaring away and it's cnn and it's their
horseshit i can't help but it just fucking aggravates me i used to have one of those
things somebody gave me my wife gave it to me i think um it's one of those things that you could
shut off public tvs like you put it on your keychain you know it's like a remote you could
click tvs off in public i did it
a couple times and it worked it was hilarious but like i said two people watching and they just went
oh the tv went off out of the 800 they're in the terminal so uh it's just i yeah i can't deal with
the fucking flying even when i know i'm going to a beautiful place on vacation i'm like uh
drive and get up of course i was supposed to leave a couple days earlier.
We were scheduled on JetBlue, and apparently their planes are made of, you know, sugar, I guess.
Every time there's moisture, rain, or snow, they shut down like a fucking newspaper stand.
They're going to be in deep shit, JetBlue.
They have a lot of problems.
Everybody else was flying.
So my wife
gets on the phone, does all the dirty work.
God bless her little soul.
Gets us on a flight on American
at the last minute, leaving
predominantly the same time.
And yeah.
Off to JFK.
It's like 8 degrees when we left, which is
beautiful. We usually
vacation like in i don't
know march so it was kind of nice getting the hell out of here and um yeah it's uh it's one of our
favorite places we rent this like little villa on the side of a cliff cliff not cliff cliff
oh what is wrong with me man it's. We'll get to that in a few minutes.
But the thing about going to St. Barts is you have to go through St. Martin,
or as we say in Boston, St. Martin.
And, yeah, so you have to land there.
It's about a four-and-a-half-hour flight, not bad at all.
Actually, about four.
So not bad at all.
You land in St. martin and here's
the deal you have to take this little puddle jumper from uh saint martin to saint bart's it's
only like it's it's a nine or ten minute flight but uh last time we went like three years ago we
get to uh saint martin and there's like a storm, a semi-storm going on.
There's like really high winds and shit,
and our little puddle jumper was delayed.
I'll never forget this, because it's scary enough,
that flight on a sunny day, okay?
But I'll never forget it.
So we're sitting there waiting,
and they canceled a couple of the puddle jumpers
in front of us,
and I see the pilot get out um
he looked like he was just i don't know he looked like an islander i don't know what he was but he
had a he looked hispanic or cuban or whatever but he had a mustache i'll never forget and he was you
know he gets out of the plane he's stomping out of the plane pissed because they're making him fly in these high winds and shit and i see him arguing with some guy uh his superior i guess at the
airlines because he was just furious i guess that they were making him fly and i can't blame him it
was like really windy and shit so like i said the couple flights before us were canceled and um and then uh the you know the rain and the wind
kind of went away as our flight was delayed again this was the trip three years ago i'm just telling
you because it's it's a frightening thing and uh i remember going up to the counter to the guy i
think it was wind air and i said uh are we gonna leave soon he goes yeah we're gonna give it a shot
those were his exact words yeah we going to give it a shot.
Those were his exact words. Yeah, we're going to give it a shot. It wasn't like the clouds completely disappeared and the sun was out. It was still
iffy. Yeah, we're going to give it a shot now. I almost
shit my pants when he said that. But I'll never forget that pilot stomping around pissed.
And so, yeah, we took
off. Again, I'm telling you about the flight from three years ago.
And it's a 10-minute flight from St. Martin to St. Barth.
And he makes a hard left at the last minute and goes between two small hills, like small mountains.
And it's crazy.
The wind is pushing the plane all over.
There's only about 12, 14 people in the plane.
And the plane's getting pushed all over the place,
and we came down pretty frigging hard
and bounced a couple times.
God bless the guy.
So my wife ever since then was shitting her pants.
She was totally scared
when she knew we were going to St. Bart's.
She was fretting about that puddle jump
we had to take this year.
So we get there, and luckily the weather was fine when we got to St. Martin.
But it's still a hairy, hairy thing, man.
If you're going to go to St. Bart's and you're not a Hollywood star
and you have your own private jet, you can probably fly right in there.
But, you know, it's frightening.
The runway at St. Bart's is a little longer than my driveway
it's like you could fit four cars in it no it's okay I'm exaggerating obviously but holy shit
you come through these two little hills one to the left one to the right and there's like a
cross like a crucifix you can see on one of the hills which always makes you feel good when you're about to fucking die and um yeah he's got to lock him up uh before you get to the end of the runway
and i know this is a dangerous runway because i was when i was doing that show uh you know on
true tv stupid whatever you know dumbest criminals world's dumbest uh, world's dumbest travelers, world's dumbest whatever. They actually showed a plane going off that very runway that I'm telling you about and into the sand.
And I think it was St. Bart's.
It might have been the St. Martin Airport, but I think it was St. Bart's in that clip.
And it scared the shit out of me because I recognized it right away.
And so if you're going to go i'm just warning you if you uh you're a little queasy about flying the pedal
jumper might make you shit your pants i kind of find it fun i i find it fun i mean that shit
doesn't bother me really you gotta go you're gonna go you know i never said that before i was married
but uh that's my attitude now anyways uh yeah so uh i got to st
bart's we were supposed to stay there a week and we're having uh so much fun that uh day seven
i'm like can we extend this a few days and of course it's brutally expensive down there
fucking brutally expensive i'll get to that in a few minutes so he's staying in his villa on uh point malou it's
boy up the tip of uh saint bart's one of the many tips and um it's like this one room grig villa
it's it's awesome it's but it's just like one room it's beautiful it's all painted white
uh your kitchen is outside with like a makeshift roof over. It's really awesome.
There's a deck right to the side
overlooking the cliff
down to a beautiful beach,
about a 600 foot drop.
And, you know,
there's a deck there
with two chairs on it.
And I just read five books.
And that's right.
Don't be wise asses.
I read five books.
And it was windy as hell.
I don't know if it's because of the weather that's going on all over the world.
This winter, it's fucking crazy.
But the wind, at night, it sounded like we were in the space shuttle as it was plummeting to Earth.
Not to be too gruesome with the description.
But it was so unbelievably loud and like shaking everything
i'm talking i don't know what they were tropical winds it was crazy crazy noisy um
but uh just awesome loved it ate and drank like a pig
we get there and uh there's like a gift basket on the table and there's like
a bottle of uh rum gloria vanilla flavored rum and it was freaking delicious and uh you know we
go to the supermarket on the way from the airport to the villa on the first day we load up get like
350 dollars worth of food and i go through half that in about 11 minutes and uh but
you know bought a case of presidente beer which i love so i'm drinking that that's the beauty of it
every day i had probably four or five beers and i'd get up and go pretend i was going to the
refrigerator and i'd take like three swills of that rum like every day and just had this nice buzz and uh ate like a fucking pig just later on
and ate and ate some more and drank booze come back and i'm fat and black that's right i'm fat and black right now i'm dark even for me
fucking sun's brutal but um yeah had a nice buzz place is um
brutally expensive i uh you know it's with the like rich and famous we can't i can't afford that
i mean you know i'm stretching it just by going there but
uh you know when p diddy p diddy goes down there and stallone was the other day before we got there
and they get on right from christmas and they split right after new year's eve but uh but um
so it's it's brutally expensive so one day i go hey you know what i need a new bathing suit
i like the one piece you know um like they were in the, hey, you know what? I need a new bathing suit. I like the one piece, you know?
Like they wore in the 50s.
You know, the old guys that jump into the ocean, Coney Island, when it's 12 degrees.
Back in the 40s, they have the one piece.
That's what I like to wear.
I go into the store, and there's a hot broad in there, okay?
That's the other thing, the pussy down there.
Mama mia.
There's a young broad, maybe 22, working behind the counter. She's smoking. So that's when I walk around. You there mama mia uh there's a young broad maybe 22 working
behind the gun she's smoking so that's when i walk around you know i need a new bathing suit
and uh i go in there and uh i try one on she shows me the fitting room and bye bye come out
yeah i guess i like it's pretty you know get up to the count there she goes uh that's 98 euro or 138 US.
That's at the exchange is about 38% in favor of the euro.
So $138 for a bed.
And I said, no.
And it was so humiliating because she was so fucking hot.
I just, what I wanted to say was, I'll tell you what,
the only way I'm going to pay $138 for the bathing suit is if you put it on and jog around the island for two hours and come back,
and then I'll buy it dirty and maybe a little pee-pee in there, and I'll give you $138 U.S.
Other than that, there's no fucking way.
What are you, shitting me?
Even Jay-Z would have said, get the fuck out.
Ridiculous.
$138.
That's what I'm talking about.
So beaches are awesome though and uh
like the typical american you you know you get there you're like oh my god girls have their
tops off and you know the french are and uh combination you know that's good and bad you
get the people in the late 70s with the tits dragging around the ankles and the
guys with the great dane balls that'll grow and the guys with the Great Dane balls. That'll gross you out.
But there was some smoking honeys.
And that's kind of a tense moment
when you get to the beach and your wife's like,
I don't know, pick a spot.
And I'm, you know, I know damn well
if I put the towel down near somebody
who's 22 and smoking, she's going to be, you know.
So I just pick a spot.
And sure enough, you know, if we're not down there five minutes a girl comes
down lays down about eight feet from us takes her top off and i uh tore the i tore the uh
you know muscles that trying to look out of the corner of my eye i tore my retina
but uh yeah smoking ass everywhere. Beautiful beaches.
And it's a great place.
It's clean.
Used to go to St. Martin, and that place got overcrowded.
It's like going to a city now.
You can smell sewage everywhere. So forget about St. Martin.
But it was a good trip, you know.
Then I get home and uh i come in the house and i go hey it's a little nippy in here i check the uh
thermostat in the wall it's 49 fucking degrees fahrenheit and what had happened was uh what i
feared would happen my My wife kept saying,
oh, you're a worrywart.
Stop.
We have kind of an antiquated heating system.
I mean, it's a boiler like anybody else.
It runs on oil,
but the thing is we have two oil tanks.
Again, the house was built in 1937.
We have two oil tanks we have again the house we is was built in 1937 we have two oil tanks we have a 575 gallon one and a 275 gallon one and um there's a meter on the wall the tanks are in a crawl space
under my house the there's a meter on the wall in my house down in the basement in the laundry room
that supposedly tells us how much oil is left in the big tank but i don't know that it's accurate anymore and um i checked it before
we left because what happens is when one of the tanks uh hits empty it's supposed to start drawing
from the other tank but when that happens sometimes sediment gets kicked up and it'll clog the feed
to your boiler the oil and the boiler will shut off because a few years ago we came home same
thing house was a little cold but i checked it out it looks like there's plenty of oil you know
we'll be fine but uh when we're on vacation i brought it up a few times my wife's like don't
worry it's gonna be fine i home, walk in the house.
Like I said, fucking see my breath.
Sure enough, the fucking boiler had shut down.
And which is fucking dangerous.
I mean, if that happened on day two of the vacation, because, you know, it was well under freezing here.
Well, we were gone on a lot of nights.
Then what happens?
Your pipes burst and you're deep fucking doo-doo.
So I'm always worried about that.
And sure enough, my worst fears come true.
But I come home and it's like 49.
So that means, you know, it hasn't been cold that long, I guess.
And then I go in the bathroom and I'm taking a piss.
And I look up at the ceiling.
I see a little wet spot.
And I'm like a piss and I look up at the ceiling and I see a little wet spot and I'm like,
here we go.
And yeah,
one of the pipes under the tub upstairs,
we have this like European tub,
I don't know what the fuck.
One of the pipes,
I think,
must have been affected
by the cold
and either cracked or whatever
because there's some drippage.
That was the only damage though
in the house. But if we were gone another week, week who knows we could have lost the whole goddamn house my
point is buy a condo buy anything that's made after 1980 as much as i love my house i fucking
so uh yeah i just got i was like for christ's sake so what do i do i have to uh i go out back
okay picture this we just got home we woke up in 80 degree weather i come home now it's like a 22
uh i put on a coat and my sneakers and i walk out in the snow behind my shed i have another shed
where we keep firewood and i fucking brought it because we were out of firewood have a wood
burning stove in the house and uh i'm out there loading wood into a wheelbarrow the wind's
whistling i just i woke
up in saint bart's and i have fucking westchester winds blowing up my balls as i'm loading up
fucking firewood uh great great to be home so i fired that up and uh took about four hours for
the house to get back to human temperatures and um there you go uh what else bunch of mail when we get home you
check the mail that's always depressing isn't it and um guess what i find in there i get called
for jury duty i am just fucking furious about i'm not furious look i'm a good citizen i know
you're gonna do your civic duty and all that horse shit there's gotta be a better way though i have so much stuff i couldn't
wait to get back because i got stuff to do i gotta finish up that dvd right i wanted that thing out
two weeks ago still have to shop it around so i mean i'm pressed for time there and uh
uh gotta do an episode of louis so the the the jury duty thing if you read it it's unclear
it tells it gives me a date it says like january 27th call the night before but january 27th is a
monday and and then on the other side it says call on the friday before it's all fucking the
government is just it's just so horseshit and apparently you know when you call in they'll tell you whether they need you or not
at that day anyways you're on call i guess and i know you can postpone it i know people are saying
well you can get out of it you can't postpone but they'll come back and get you later on in the year
i mean that's how it works that's what people are telling me so i'd rather get it over with
but i get too much shit to do i get an an episode of Louie to do on February 5th.
That same day I'm supposed to, you know,
when I get done with Louie's show,
I have to drive to like Baltimore to do a weekend gig.
So all that shit is up in the air.
And a radio audition somewhere up around here
that I might do for a station.
Oh yeah, so I don't know what to do.
Everybody says the same thing when you tell them about jerry dude oh just show up and say uh you know that uh
you hate minorities and blah blah blah take a shit in your pants start pissing in the parking
lot show up with your shoes on the wrong feet you know they'll you'll get out of instantly which is
you know totally baloney.
So I got that hanging over my head.
I can't make a move here.
I got 18 things to do,
but I'm afraid to say yes to them because of, you know, jury duty.
I'd like to just pay the $1,000 fine.
It says 30 days in jails or $1,000 fine,
but I'm going to do it.
I talked to Colin.
Quinn and he had done it
and said it's great for material.
So it just sounds like a horror show
because it says
the trial can last one day
or it can last several weeks.
That's a fucking...
That is my worst nightmare.
It's my worst goddamn nightmare.
Imagine.
Several weeks.
I got to make money.
I got to travel.
I got to do stuff.
I'm sure you guys, some of you out there, you know, have done jury duty.
And I just hope it's an interesting case, you know.
So, yeah, that was in my mail.
Not to mention a bunch of other bills and horseshit.
What did I read while I was down on vacation?
Harry Stein, this guy Harry Stein.
He wrote a book a few years ago,
How I Accidentally Joined the Vast Right joined the vast right-wing conspiracy he used to
be like a liberal he's raised by like communists his parents were like communists uh he's a great
author though but now he's like you know conservative and um almost like david horowitz
but i read his book it's about race why we can't have an honest discussion about race i might get
i might have got the title wrong there, but it's something like that.
He was going to call it, no matter what, they'll call this book racist.
That was going to be his original title, but a lot of people talked him out of it.
Anyways, it's a good read.
He did an interview with me for the City Journal that was a couple weeks ago.
You can find it on Twitter or whatever.
But yeah, good book on race. Very interesting. that was a couple weeks ago that somebody you can find it on twitter or whatever but um
yeah good book on race very interesting i suggest it i read uh killing jesus
yeah which was good look i was raised uh catholic went to ccd class and didn't retain any of that
stuff i'm not very religious, you know.
My mom is.
She goes to church every Sunday.
But, yeah, I read Killing Jesus
to see how much I forgot I was taught.
And it was a good read, man.
Fucking Romans are brutal.
It's like reading in an episode of,
it's like watching an episode of The Sopranos
visually while you're reading.
But, yeah, it was a good read.
Read the Bobby Orr autobiography.
Of course, I'm from Boston, and he's still the most loved athlete of all time in Boston.
More than Ted Williams, more than Larry Bird, more than Brady, more than Bill Russell.
And it's a good read. It good he's so polite though it's almost
it almost gets it's almost boring because he's so such a nice guy and always stressing
stressing you know just being nice but um it was great great read uh him growing up in parry sound and and uh there's great pictures of him
when he's like seven years old fishing and uh it was a good read he gives his views on what he
thinks of hockey today and what's wrong with it and uh yeah i ripped through that um robert
gordon i got to meet him i did it did a benefit denn. Dennis Larry had this like pro-am golf tournament like six, seven years ago down in Cape Cod,
which is where Bobby Orr lives now.
And Dennis had me come down because there was a comedy show after the tournament.
I had never golfed in my life, and I got to meet Orr there.
It was, I mean, just, it's crazy.
I'm standing by a poolside talking to Bobby Orr at night by myself, nobody bothering us, talking about Sidney Crosby.
I was so intimidated.
I don't get intimidated by people.
I'm around people, not famous people, but semi-famous in my circles.
And, you know, he's just the sweetest guy and talking to him.
And then I was so nervous because I was playing in this golf tournament
and my total experience as far as golf goes was going to a driving range three times in my life.
Like when I was in high school, that was it.
So I was just horrified that I was going to be in this golf tournament.
But, you know, they said, don't worry about it, but still you get people there, you know, who golf all the time.
Anyways, I get up the next morning.
I'm so early, and I hope I haven't told this story before,
Anyways, I get up the next morning.
I'm so early, and I hope I haven't told this story before,
but I get up at like 6.30, 7 to go out on the golf course to go to the place where you can, you know,
there's like a driving range near the course,
and I get up there.
I'll go out there while nobody's up, I figure, you know.
That way I can look like I'm making ass of myself.
So I'm driving balls.
They're going behind me.
I'm slicing them.
They're going 11 feet.
I'm nubbing the top. They're rolling off the tee and going behind me. I'm slicing them. They're going 11 feet. I'm nubbing the top.
They're rolling off the tee and going 7 feet.
I'm hooking them into the woods, and I'm up there.
I'm out there just going, oh, my God, this is going to be horrible today.
And then I hear crunching, and I hear two feet come up,
and I don't dare look behind me, and I hit a couple more,
and then I turn.
It's Robert Gordon Orr.
It's just me and bobby
he goes hey you know because i talked to him the night before and i go oh please bobby just
turn can you imagine it's like having it'll be like having uh you know you're a yankees fan
having like uh lou gehrig to show up while you're taking batting practice and i'm like oh god please let me hit a few straight and he goes he goes let me show you
he gets in there i think he's a lefty bobby and um he might not have been wait hockey wise was
he lefty might have been i know golf wise he just he hit a couple of P's. He steps up, his knees have scars on them.
He just hits a couple of P's as straight as an arrow.
Gives me a couple of tips.
Couldn't have been nicer, but he's just standing there.
It was a fucking, I was more nervous with him watching me do that
than I was when Mike Ditka trapped me in an elevator
during the Super Bowl a couple years ago in Indianapolis.
So, yeah, childhood idol, you know.
I mean, you had your poster over your bed of this guy,
you know, until you were like 15.
And here he is now watching you try to hit a golf ball
that you've done three times in your life.
And he was just the coolest guy.
And then we did a comedy show that night after the tournament.
And Bobby was sitting up front with his wife peggy and a couple other family member and it was so good
it was so fun i mean so if you get a chance read the book if you're a hockey fan it's really good
then i read charles krauthammer's book uh things that matter i think it was called that just came
out as a bestseller it's so freaking. I got about two chapters left on that one.
It's so good.
This guy is so smart, it's scary.
Yeah, things that matter.
And Howard Cosell's Mark Hrabowski, is that the author's name, wrote a biography about
Howard Cosell,
which was outstanding.
And that's it.
Later on, and, you know,
got a nice buzz.
Friggin' reading.
You don't want to get up
once you get into a good book, you know?
Had to force myself to go out at night.
And, uh...
Like I said, really expensive in St. Bart's.
We had two cheeseburgers, and it was like, you know,
and not in a fancy restaurant either.
I'm at like a burger joint on the side of the road.
It was like $66.
Watched a few movies while we were there.
Dallas Players Club.
Matthew McConaughey is unbelievable in that.
I was not like a huge fan of his, but he really showed his chops, man.
Guy should get something for that, a SAG award or something.
I mean, he was really good.
Maybe an Academy.
I don't know.
American Hustle.
I thought that was overrated.
Performances were great.
Jennifer Lawrence and, you know, the acting is tremendous.
But, you know, as far as the story, eh.
Eh.
Stuff that used to be considered mediocre now gets all kinds of play.
That's what I don't understand.
Captain Phillips.
Watch that, too.
Tom Hanks was tremendous.
I guess he's not even, I guess he's getting snubbed for the Oscars, but I don't know why, how that works.
But good movie.
Really good.
Hanks is really good.
And what else?
Oh, Enough Said.
That's right, a romantic comedy.
Again, only reason I watched it was why?
Because Gandolfini was in there.
With, uh, what's her name?
Louise Dreyfus.
Forget her first name.
Fucking
drank too much rum.
What's her
first name? I can't even remember.
But that was good.
It was fine for a romantic comedy.
Gandolfini was great.
Can't help it when you watch him.
You know?
It's kind of sad that he's gone,
but it wasn't a bad movie.
Um.
The hell else?
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
And truly a great American.
I don't think his dream is being followed.
I think we're in fucking shambles as far as there would never been more divided.
But here's the speech.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.
I have a dream that one day on the Red Hills of Georgia,
sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners
will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream. My four little
children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their
skin, but by the content of their character. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted.
Every hill and mountain shall be made low.
The rough places will be made plain.
And the crooked places will be made straight.
And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it today.
That's right.
Can't argue with any of it, can you?
But that dream's been hijacked by some jerk-offs, you know, like this one.
David, David!
Yes?
You want to be the only nigga on television.
The only nigga in the newspaper. the only nigga on television. The only nigga in the news.
The only nigga can talk.
Don't cover them.
Don't talk to them.
Because you got the only nigga proper.
Because you know if a black man stood up next to you,
they would see you for the whore that you really are.
We the black chicken fries.
Yeah, the Reverend Al. See, that's what happened to the dream get hijacked by uh
race hustlers like that chooch
it just amazes me and he's a smart guy sharpton he's really i mean he's pretty goddamn sharp no
pun intended and uh but just to fucking the hate runs deep deep. I was going to play,
what is it,
Eric Michael Dyson,
whatever his fucking name was,
but I couldn't bring myself to,
I couldn't stomach listening to him.
But,
yeah,
what happened to that drain,
man?
Martin Luther King Jr.
would be appalled
at what he sees
and where we're at racially.
I got to believe that.
Well, here's another brother. This guy sums up where we're at.
Let's send you down to the field.
And Aaron Andrews. Edwards Joe thank you so much
Richard let me ask you
The final play
Take me through it
Well I'm the best corner of the game
When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree
That's the result you're going to get
Don't you ever talk about me
Who was talking about you?
Crabtree don't you open your mouth about the best
Or I'm going to shut it for you real quick
I had a dream uh what happened
yuck what's his name richard sherman he really is a great cornerback but just a douche just a big mouth douche and um how good was that game folks man again oh let's talk football
i guess uh it's a natural segue uh my patriots i'm not even like i wasn't even angry because i
didn't expect them to go that far this year it's amazing to me that they were playing again one
game from the super bowl and uh it didn't even
bother me I didn't really expect them to win I mean when you think about it it really was
Belichick's best year and and it's just amazing think about it no Aaron Hernandez okay he was
all world no Gronkowski all world no Welker and then on defense to lose Vince Wilfork all pro
Gerard Mayo for the year I'm talking all pro um and I'm forgetting some people oh Tom Kelly great
defensive lineman that they had got this year uh for the season Brandonon spikes and then khalid talib goes out you know five minutes into
the game but i mean all the shit they went through this year it's amazing that i i couldn't even
believe that they're in the afc championship game and uh yeah they laid an egg they they were flat
you know but uh it didn't didn't bother me as much as it would i
mean come on we've been in the afc championship game three we're getting spoiled in boston
you know so yeah uh the better team won and and peyton manning lit it up and looked great
and uh good luck against that seattle team though i I'll tell you, this is going to be interesting.
That Seattle 49ers game, by the way, that was my pick,
the 49ers all year to go to the Super Bowl and win it.
So that's down the tubes.
But mother of God, that's how I remember football.
That's the kind of games I like.
More running than, I mean, just vicious.
That was as vicious, that was the most physical game I've seen in 15 years.
I mean, and then you throw in that 12th man, that unbelievable crowd in Seattle.
It was just, I was just enjoying the shit out of that game.
It was, my hair was standing up on the back of my neck.
Some of the hits, both those secondaries, they are.
They're reminiscent to the old raiders in the 70s
the uh jack tatum george atkinson days i mean vicious vicious and richard sherman is really
an unbelievable what's funny you hear him talking then he went to stanford really you gotta be
kidding me um but god i i just both those teams are so physical.
I mean, I had the TV cranked, the audio.
You could just hear helmets cracking on every play.
It was vicious, and they were clean.
They were clean hits.
They call that guy one guy, I think, for the 49ers targeting,
but that wasn't.
It was his shoulder.
But Colin Kaepernick, he just shrunk at the end the game looked too
big for him he was like a deer in the headlights you know and russell wilson was his poised and
and uh and i love kaepernick i think he's going to be unbelievable uh he can he can sling it he
can run like a deer and um i was just sad to see him kind of choke down the end there.
It surprised me.
I really thought the 49ers were going to be that team this year that was on a roll,
wasn't to be stopped.
But Seattle, that's going to be a great matchup, isn't it?
That secondary, I mean, that defense against Peyton Manning's receivers,
I mean, that's interesting right there, you know?
And they've got to have a pass rush, though.
The Pats couldn't lay a finger on Manning yesterday.
So Seattle's got a hell of a defense.
It could be interesting.
I like, I don't know who I like.
I like, I thought I saw on the paper today,
they said 49ers favored by a point or something.
I don't know.
I, I don't know.
49ers, excuse me, Broncos, not 49ers.
Broncos, you know, they hit a little, they didn't look as strong as they did at the beginning of the season.
You know, after the Pats came back in that game, it was at week 12 or whatever.
They didn't look like the dominant team, although they did yesterday.
They have a great line, but I don't know.
I kind of give the edge to Seattle right now.
I definitely want Seattle to win because remember they played against the Steelers
a few years ago.
2005 was it against the Steelers?
That was a bad job if you remember.
The five minutes into the game, there were like three calls that went against Seattle
that were so obviously horseshit calls.
So I would love to see Seattle and Russell Wilson pull it off.
Can you imagine what Richard Sherman's going to do if the Seahawks win a Super Bowl?
How many talk shows is he going to be on?
But that was as good.
That second game made the Pats-Broncos game look sick, I thought.
That crowd in Seattle is just unfreaking believable.
They're calling it the pot bowl because, you know,
Washington State and Colorado recently, I guess guess legalized weed so I can't wait to see
how the marketeers
are going to play
with that one
officiating stunk
as usual
in the 49ers
Seahawks game
they should have been
a rough in the punter
and not a running
into the punter
that call
that would
49ers would have retained the ball.
And I think Seattle ended up scoring on that after they got it back.
But, you know, the officiating, a lot to be desired there.
What the hell else?
I come home and um news wise locally
chris christie my boy chris christie i can't make up my mind in him only in uh only in you know the
northeast can be christie be considered a republican or even you know some people try
to call him conservative which is is hilarious. Not even close.
But I come home, and I didn't know anything about this bridge gate.
And it's so, you know, it's, is he bullying?
He's a bully.
Now we're working that into the political lexicon, bullying now.
Oh, Christ. country is finished we had a good run 230 some odd years whatever the fuck and um but it's over
it's so over but uh this is interesting he had a couple things going on first he's got the uh
he has the uh mayor of hoboken this woman who said uh christie's
lieutenant governor approached her and wanted her to back some uh development plan that christie you
know hired some guy from uh and wants her support and if she doesn't give it to him, he's going to withhold Super Sandy funds from the storm.
So she comes out, the mayor of Hoboken,
on the Sunday shows and admits that, you know,
that they said, hey, you've got to back this development.
You're not going to get any funds to repair the damages from Sandy.
So they get that going.
And the Bridgegate thing, which was the mayor of Fort Lee,
I guess didn't back Christie when he was running for governor or whatever.
Christie says he knows nothing about it,
which is hard for me to believe that some of his underlings would try to pull something like this.
So they, you know, they closed down a couple lanes.
Fort Lee leading to the GW Bridge caused all kinds of traffic for four days.
By the way, folks, this shit goes on in politics all the time.
But this is, you know, Christie's first test.
And MSNBC and the local fucking liberal idiots, New York Times, having a field day.
They are anything to take your mind off Obamacare.
It's been like rom the clock coverage
of course this is how the game is played but they're going haywire they can't get off this
and i guess it's a coincidence you know christy's the only republican as far as the polls go that
that's um leading hillary so they are scared shit of him and doing quite a number on him.
But he's a bully.
He's a bully.
I mean, sometimes I like him because the few times I've seen him at those town halls, he tells people to sit down and shut up.
And he told that one lady, a teacher, you know, she was a union boob,
that, hey, you don't have to teach if you don't like it.
I love that clarity.
But that now is considered bullying in our faggy society.
Somehow that's bullying.
Anytime anybody just speaks, especially a fat, powerful white guy.
That scares the shit out of us, doesn't it?
But he's a bully.
He did snap.
Somebody got him snapping.
He was yelling at one of his underlings.
Here's the clip.
It's starting.
It's fucking starting.
Get back in your office, David.
I'm opening my mail, and it's a lawsuit.
It's a fucking lead on the building.
They're going to close me down.
David, you're not fucking now, okay?
They're going to know after this that it's fraud.
I'm going to go to jail for this.
Get the fuck back in your fucking hole.
Now. How am I going to retail for this? Get the fuck back in your fucking hole! Now!
That's a clip nobody has of Chris Christie.
Exclusive on the Nick DiPaolo podcast.
So anyways, he's not conservative enough for me.
Give me, you know me.
I'd have Pat Buchanan as president, Giuliani as vice president. president no i like rand paul actually and i'm not a conservative people keep mentioning that in
articles i'm actually a libertarian but um you know i made a few cracks on tough crowd i was
labeled uh to the right of uh you know bull connor so um i don't give a shit. As long as it's not Hillary, okay?
The most overrated political figure of our time.
She has done nothing, folks, okay?
Nothing.
A few people too young,
which her husband was in the White House,
she tried to fix healthcare and Hillary care
and fucked that all up.
She's done nothing.
Nothing as Secretary of State.
Nothing changed under her
for the good anyways four americans dead under her watch benghazi still don't know you know
she's just uh she blew a guy who's a great politician that was the only thing she's done
okay um she sucks and uh the the fucking press has already anointed her like the uh you know not
the democratic nominee they already got her winning the goddamn thing can anybody beat
hillary those are the headlines you see on like time and all these magazines what are you shitting
me they've already anointed her uh can't fucking take it she's just a cold steely eyed uh politically ambitious
just overrated if she didn't have tits nobody would even know who the fuck she is
she gets in and uh we're in deep shit not that we aren't already that's the beauty of obamacare
though the worst is yet to come that's going to spell out right before the midterms when everybody gets kicked off their employer mandated uh you know health care when they find
out that uh that they're not covered that's going to happen like a month before the midterms i heard
good timing let's hope so and uh maybe that'll keep fucking hillary and the Democrats out of the White House.
Remember I was talking about Ambien?
This is way back.
I think the first podcast is I've taken Ambien and how I thought it wiped out my memory
because I've taken it a few times.
And the next days after I take Ambien,
I can't leave the house because I'm so irritable,
which for me is saying a lot.
I mean, to the point where I can't be around anybody and i lock myself
in my room and uh yeah i get frighteningly it you know just i remember going on stage a couple
nights after i took game in and and forgetting whole chunks of my act and i guess i wasn't
imagining because there was an article uh
on the internet today i guess it appeared in the fix whatever the fuck that is but uh listing a
whole bunch of you know people that have freaked out the headline is america's number one prescription
sleep aid could trigger zombies murder and other disturbing behavior and they're not exaggerating on march 29 2009 robert stewart
45 years old stormed into the pine lake health and rehab nursing home in carthage north carolina
open fire killing eight people wounding two he was going after his wife who worked at the
as a nurse she hid in the bathroom but he was charged with eight counts of first-degree murder.
If convicted, he could face a death penalty.
Even though there was evidence that Stewart's actions were premeditated,
Stewart's defense team successfully argued that since he was under the influence of Ambien, a sleep aid,
at the time of the shooting, he was not in control of his actions.
Instead of the charges sought by the prosecutor stewart was convicted on eight counts of second degree murder received 140 279 years but uh there's all kinds of stories like that
not of you know murder but that's one of them.
I knew there was something creepy about Ambien.
Then there was another case.
Patrick Kennedy, you know, of the Kennedys,
2006 middle-of-the-night car accident and subsequent explanation to arriving officers
that he was running late for a vote,
that the bizarre side effects of Ambien
began to receive national attention. Middle of the night, he's telling the cops he was running late for a vote, that the bizarre side effects of Ambien began to receive national attention.
Middle of the night, he's telling the cops he was running late for a vote
because he had taken Ambien that night before he went to bed.
He claimed that he had taken the sleep aid,
had no recollection of the events that night.
Again, you can say that they, you know, use that as an alibi or a lie,
but there's so many cases.
Shortly after the Kennedy incident,
Ambien users sued the company
that makes its Sanofi
because of bizarre sleeping eating behaviors
while on the drugs.
According to
Chan Alask, attorney for the class
action suit,
people were eating things
like butted cigarettes and eggs
completely with the shells on,
while under the influence of Ambien.
Holy shit.
In March of 2011, Lindsay Schweigert took one Ambien before getting into bed at 6 p.m.
Hours later, she woke up in custody with no idea how she had gotten there.
In the following weeks, Schweigert pieced together the events of that night.
She had gotten out of bed, drawn a bath,
and left the house with her dog.
She started driving to a local restaurant,
again in the middle of the night,
but crashed into another car
soon after leaving her house.
She failed a sobriety test,
was charged with a DUI and running a stoplight.
But she was under the, you know, she had taken Ambien.
It's fucking crazy.
Schweigert's lawyer argued that Lindsay's bizarre behavior on the night in question
was a result of medication which warned right on the label
that after taking Ambien, you may get up out of the bed while not being fully awake
and do an activity that you do not know you are doing.
The next morning, you may not remember that you did anything during the night.
Reported activities, these are the warnings, I guess, on the Ambien.
Reported activities include driving a car, making and eating food,
talking on the phone, having sex, sleepwalking.
In fact, a lawyer argued Schweigert should have been taken to a hospital not to jail prosecutors dropped the
charges and allowed lindsey to plead to the lesser charge of careless driving
here's another one the ambient defense was also used in the case of julie ann bronson 45 year
old flight attendant from texas in april of 2009 Bronson, 45-year-old flight attendant from Texas.
In April of 2009, Bronson took a couple of Ambien to help her sleep.
She had been drinking wine earlier that day and went to bed early.
She awoke the following morning in jail, still in her pajamas, barefoot and terrified.
When she was told that she had run over three people, including an 18-month-old girl who suffered severe brain damage as a result of the wreck. She was
horrified. It was surreal. It was like a
bad dream, she said.
I did the crime, but I never intended to do it.
I wouldn't hurt a flea, and if I would
have hit somebody, I would have stopped and helped.
Because of the ambidefense, she will serve
a six,
just six months in prison,
of course not all prosecutors, consider the ambi defense,
as a legitimate,
but,
that's stuff,
I'm never taking it again,
Eminem the rapper,
he's been open about his battles with prescription drugs and addiction.
He blames Ambien, however, for his huge lapses in his memory over five years and an extended period of writer's block.
A lot of my memory is gone.
I don't know if you ever have taken Ambien, but it's kind of a memory eraser.
This is what Eminem's saying.
That shit wiped out five years of my life.
People will tell me stories, and it's like, I did that?
Really?
I saw myself doing this thing on television on BET recently,
and I was like, when was that?
Eminem has kept some of his writing from that period,
admitting to Rolling Stone that it fucking creeps me out.
Letters all down the page.
It was like my hand weighed 400 pounds.
I have all that shit in a box in my closet.
As a reminder, I don't ever want to go back to that.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
Never again am I touching that.
All that stuff makes me cuckoo.
That's why I couldn't believe him when we were in Afghanistan
and I gave like already a couple
and he just swallowed them
and didn't even fucking,
like you said,
it didn't even put his foot to sleep.
I guess it's great for sex, they say.
Ambient lessens inhibitions
and erases memories,
which is a great combination
for people who are cheating on their spouse
because it's Tiger Woods.
Remember he said he's had crazy ambient sex
with some of the broads he was
cheating with hmm ain't worth it man
again I say a couple glasses of wine and
then rubbing one out it's about it's
about all I can handle my body does not
deal with that shit.
And another drug-related story.
This is my favorite story of the day.
Parents at one Rhode Island middle school have received a warning about students. This is a middle school student snorting a popular candy.
According to WPRI, parents of Portsmouth middle school students received a note from officials on Thursday wanting them to watch out for students snorting Smarties.
Again, in Rhode Island, they say Smarties.
Snorting Smarties.
School officials said the new trend is widespread phenomenon that's found.
You can find it on YouTube.
Holy shit.
Kids are grinding up the sugary candy and smoking it and snorting it. on YouTube. Holy shit.
Kids are grinding up the sugary candy
and smoking it
and snorting it.
You can't tell me
we're not done
as a society.
Oh my God.
It causes nasal problems,
infections,
lung irritations,
allergic reactions,
or possible maggots
inside the nasal cavity.
Don't forget about Nasal maggots
They're better off
Snorting coke
At least when you
Snort coke
You know
Just some blood
Might come out of your nose
Fucking maggots
You got butterflies
Flying out of your nostrils
Oh my god
I gotta try that You got butterflies flying out of your nostrils. Oh, my God.
I got to try that.
Now, I mean, these are middle school kids.
So, obviously, if they're doing that with candy, you know that they're fucking doing it with the real stuff.
Finished.
Somebody let me know on Twitter what it's like to snort some smarties. Whew.
We're finished as a society.
So, hold on a second.
I've got to plug some dates here before I get off.
Let me grab my book. This Friday night, the 24th of January, Uncle Vinny's in Toms River, New Jersey.
The next night after that, the Treehouse, Mohegan Sun.
Yeah, that's the 25th.
And then next Wednesday, a week from this coming Wednesday, on the 29th,
I'll be doing that show, The Boomer and Carton, the Super Bowl event at the Hammerstein Ballroom.
Me, Jay Moore, Dave Attell, and a few other comics, I guess.
That should be fun.
Dave Attell and a few other comics, I guess.
That should be fun.
Although I've been on stage, I'd say maybe four times in about a month and a half because of the editing of the DVD and other things that keep popping up
and then vacation.
And I'm going to be rusty and shitty and unfunny.
But I'll try to brush the rust off at Uncle Vinny's in Tom's River. It'll be fun.
But that's what happens, man. It's like a muscle. You don't use it at atrophies as far as stand-up
goes. And I gotta be honest with you, I'm a little annoyed right now. It gets in the way of,
I don't know. I love it when I'm on stage. I love it when I'm telling jokes and the room's cranking.
It's fun, but I'm getting a little tired.
A little tired of it.
But I just put that hour away, which means I've got to start a new one.
And it's a daunting task.
So I hope I don't get my ass handed to me on the Boomer and Carton event.
You know?
Last guy I want to be following is Atel.
Or maybe, I don't even know what the order is.
Maybe he'll be following me.
Who knows?
But you better have your A game.
And, yeah, so I got to get going.
I just, I feel, I don't know.
I don't even feel like a comic right now the holidays the
schedule is really fucked up this year so but come out uh yeah come out uh if you guys are in the
area come out and see me and uh february in the baltimore area area uh the 6th 7th and 8th at
mcgoobie's joke house which is a great room, actually. And that's about it.
Doing the Patrice O'Neill benefit February 18th.
So those are the upcoming dates.
I'm going to try to get this DVD finished up for you.
Got to hand it to somebody with some juice.
Shop it around.
It's pretty funny.
I think you'll love it.
Did it in a small club and um doing the
audio putting the finishing touches on the audio but that should be done real soon all right kids
again i apologize for the delay in the podcast i'm glad that many people were uh jonesing for it
you know it was surprising to me me. But I appreciate you listening
and until next
time,
go have a cup of earwax,
you sons of bitches. Good night, everybody. guitar solo I'm