The Nick DiPaolo Show - 014 - Jonna Spilbor

Episode Date: January 28, 2014

Nick is joined by guest Jonna Spilbor.   RiotCast.com

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on is on the air. How you doing? Hey folks, big day today. I have my first guest. We'll get to her in a few minutes. Sitting here all lovely and stuff in my basement as my wife's upstairs peeling potatoes. Now listen, what? Let's get through the business end of this first let me turn a light on i'm like in my late 80s here i can't fucking see i can't smell i can't taste uh this episode of the dipalo podcast is brought to you by squarespace the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio

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When you decide to sign up for Squarespace, make sure to use the offer code Nick1 to get 10% off your first purchase and to show your support for the Nick DiPaolo podcast. We thank Squarespace for their support of the Nick DiPaolo podcast. It's one of the fastest growing podcasts within my kitchen and living room area. Squarespace is everything you need to create an exceptional website. So do it. All right. My guest today, you might even know her, folks. She's a very highly thought of attorney.

You see her a lot on Fox News Channel. She's a divorce lawyer. So you might get her card when she leaves. And her name is Jonna Spbore spillbore why do i keep saying spiel john i've known you for about 10 minutes i know you think i'm related to spielberg i think i wish i i suggest you google her fellas okay because she's pretty smoking hot you know she is and she's smart and she's pretty smoking hot. You know, she is. And she's smart and she's funny. And I see a future for her. Probably, I'm not going to get into it. But let's talk about how we met, Jonna, first.

Remember? Where did I meet you? Well, you were doing a gig in Poughkeepsie. Oh! Yes. I don't work those shit holes. Poughkeepsie, the city of sin. That is its nickname, you know.

Is that where you're from, though? That is where I'm originally from. And you were doing a gig at, what's the place called? Bananas. God, we're rehashing this thing that I tried to hide. We are. Yes. And you were fantastic.

But remember, when everybody got there is when we all found out that for some unknown reason, Bananas, not Bananas, the hotel that Bananas was situated in, lost its liquor license. Yes. Who the hell goes to a comedy show without getting liquored up before, during, and probably after, right? Nobody.

Not even me, the headliner. But you know what? I told this story on one of the earlier podcasts. Did you? Yes, I did. And I had mentioned that the funniest part of the evening was they didn't have the liquor license and i said this uh this woman that came to see me this attorney uh who's on tv all the time very impressive so it's embarrassing for me and and uh she goes i'll be right back and

i forgot she she was from up there so uh jonathan tell the people what you did so you know desperate times call for desperate measures so there happened to be a little, I don't know, gas station next door to the hotel, right? I think I grabbed somebody, so I had an extra pair of hands. We marched over. We went over one of those freeway, you know, those guardrails. We had to climb over one of those. I'm in five-inch heels.

Oh, I didn't even know you did that. You did this on foot? On foot. Oh, I didn't know that. No, I didn't get in a car. I would have drank the whole beer if I knew that was a good. I grabbed a couple of people. We hop over guardrails.

We get to the gas station. And the gas station owner, he must have known what was going on because he was ready. He's like, I have a case of tall boys right here. Yeah, they know when I come up there. 50 bucks. I said, I'll take them all. Give me all of them. 50 bucks. So then we come marching take them all. Give me all of them. 50 bucks.

So then we come marching back to the hotel. Everybody wanted it. I could have sold those tall boys for a lot more than 50 bucks. That's true. But that's what we had to do. Yeah. All of a sudden, I turn around, and John is back in 10 minutes and hands me a 40-ounce Heineken.

And again, I told the store on the air, but it's still a funny visual. And you're not supposed to have alcohol on the premises, right, when they don't have a license. You know, you're an attorney. Breaking the rules. And so what am I doing? I'm standing outside behind the bushes, drinking a 40 ounce, I don't know, like, you know, 30 degree night.

Like, it reminded me when I got drunk and, you know, my first time in fifth grade. High school. Yeah. It was actually before high school. But it was behind the high school is where I was drinking in the woods. But what was funny is I look over my shoulder. I forgot there's people looking out their hotel window at my ass. My back is to them. I'm in the bushes drinking.

And then people think I'm in show business. And you're the headliner. Hey, but what were we supposed to do? Somebody should have told us ahead of time, right? That somebody should have been my agent, okay? Fucking it's bad enough I'm in Poughkeepsie. You know, I badmouth these gigs gigs and i've said it before but you do them when you when you're not at a room on the road somewhere you're doing a week somewhere uh what do you need to sit home

how am i you know i can't sit home and lose 75 bucks um so so uh you go up and you and you apply your trade yeah you know people in poughkeepsie like to laugh too and they loved you yeah I had some bad times up there though in that room a couple times one guy kept listening to this like the second time I was playing up there some guy every time I'd turn away from a certain side of the audience that he was sitting on he'd throw ice at me piece of ice yes jerk so then I got into it we sort of isolated who it was and shit you know and um did you have him escorted out yes i did unpleasantly yeah that's the only thing i won't put up with you know i mean but um otherwise and the other thing about going up there from where i live there's a couple ways you can go

up the taconic that way or you can oh you can take route nine which is which i always think is a good idea then i realize it's only like two lanes up there so I get behind some people in their late 80s in a buggy and donkey and I'm fucking trapped

that's you know what I mean I suffer from chronic road rage myself do you go back and forth I do I go back and forth it's not so bad

every day not every day every other day you have a place in the city you do it place in the city place in Poughkeepsie

my office is there but you like out here how smart are you what are you German Italian babe yeah spillboard that just smells like garlic what the hell is spillboard we think that's some sort of you don't even know we don't even know my mother's Italian you know you only claim your mother's side of the family what's your mother's? Fisero. Fisero. Holy Jesus. That's Italian. I guess. Oh my God, yeah.

She cooks amazing. And Spillball was who? Your first husband? No, my father. What the? No, did I read in your bio you were married for five minutes? I was married for five minutes, yeah. Now, were you a divorce attorney at that point? Yes, I was.

So you knew right away it was bad bad i had the easiest divorce on record google her fellows by the way she really she's a piece of math this is this is radio so yeah but you are out here like this is a very nice setup you have it's terrific let's pretend we're in a studio somewhere but yeah it's a nice but you are you are the fight like the first thing the first time this has ever happened to me driving here. I had the GPS gave me a warning. She was like, um, restricted access. Like you get on this road and you're not supposed to be on this road.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's out there. I thought I was going to get arrested. Um, yeah, it's funny. My paper boy, you know, every time there's an eighth of an inch of, um, uh, precipitation, he doesn't have the balls to come down here i don't know if he's on a fucking vespa scooter i get my paper three

times a month every time there's a little snow in the winter this fucking fruitcake why you don't need that's torture for what the hell's going on out here exactly vince i uh what were you saying sorry it's torture for a paper boy you don't't need a paper boy. Oh, you big girl. Oh, my God. You know what this kid did? Again, I don't know this. I didn't set up a camera yet. But I put a little tip out there for the trash guys in an envelope,

sticking out of where the three trash barrels are and that screened-in fence. And I see the trash guy coming down. I just happen to be up early on a Friday. And I look out there to see if that envelope is there for him. And it's not fucking there. Uh-oh. And who else makes it this far down this road but my paper boy? So I'm accusing that little motherless fuck.

Can you say that? Yeah, you can. Maybe you should have tipped the paper boy. Tip? Yeah. Yeah, here's a good joke. Here's an extra 50 for bringing my paper half the year, you douche. I'll tip him. You believe that?

So I think he took the, you know, the paper boy's not connected, if you know what I'm saying. Sanitation guys, you might want to grease them a little. You gotta. You know, even though I tell them don't put the trash lids upside down. When they empty the trash, they leave the lids upside down to let you know that they have come. You don't like that? No, I don't. Why?

Well, because it fills with rain like in snow, and then they crack. And I point that out to these guys, but they're union guys, and they don't give a fuck. No. You know? No. So tell me more about your husband for five minutes. What happened? All right, let's start here.

Let's give your farm a plug. Oh, yeah, we could do that. Yeah, what is it? Johnis-Spilbore Law, right? I own it, operate it. It's in Poughkeepsie. Divorce, DWI, because they often go hand in hand.

Not kidding. And it's pretty much a recession-proof business because no matter what the economy is doing, people are always going to want to end their marriage and they're always going to

want to go out drinking. It's just a fact of life. No, it's really. Wait a minute. What? I love that it's a recession-proof business. It is. And the other business that's recession-proof is what?

Organized crime. Right. So. Silvio said that on Sopranos. We all know that there's two things that are recession-proof. One's the entertainment business and the other one is our thing. I thought you were going to say

funeral homes. But anyway, so yeah, so my business is up there, but I spend, I come back and forth between Manhattan and Poughkeepsie because I'm on Fox like four days a week,

which is really fun. Where on Fox exactly? All over. Fox and Friends on the weekends. That's very, you're sleeping. Most people are sleeping at six o'clock on Saturday morning, I think. I'll set the VCR.

See? You can do that. And then, do you know Gretchen Carlson? She used to do Fox and Friends. Yeah, I met Gretchen. She doesn't really like me. I'll tell you that story. Really?

Right after we finish this. No, on air. I'll tell you right after. Okay. Well, I do her show on Wednesdays. I like Gretchen. I do. I do Bill Hemmer's show on Fridays. Do you know bill yes i do he's uh he's a good looking guy

he is a good looking guy i'd sleep with him but i i'm not a fag now listen oh can you say that i mean i'm not uh gay uh yeah hem is a good guy yeah and to see that you're all over it i'm all over the business channel and what's the new one with Kennedy, the girl from MTV? The Independence. Yeah, I just watched that the other night. I went out drinking with Kennedy right before she started that show. And to be honest with you, I don't get it. I don't get it. You don't get the show?

I don't get the show. I don't get the show, but that's all right. I like her. I'm a fan, so we wish her well. I didn't realize she was kind of a right-leaning personality at MTV. How did that happen? I don't know. I don't even remember her on mtv too young what are you you'll be 27 on thursday right yeah yeah i will um but you know she's uh she's a cool chick so you'll be on that show too i already get

a call to do that show of course did you yeah of course it's right after i'm so funny anytime something racial happens they I get the call. It is so goddamn funny. And sometimes I say yes, but lately I've been just shying away from it. But what racial happened? It was the, you know, Richard Sherman, the defensive back for the Seahawks, who shot his mouth off right after the- Oh, that's the guy?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, which is nothing. I mean, and look, I love Fox. I do those shows too, but it's a brand name i can't go in there and really be myself even with guttfeld and his red eye show i really can't cut loose and speak because i'm a white heterosexual male you guys supposedly people will go oh you fox people must love you no they feel like anybody else they can only they can't push the boundaries it's a it's a a new they get nervous when i start even guttfeld warns me while i'm putting my makeup No, they're like anybody else. They can't push the boundaries.

They get nervous when I start. Even Gutfeld warns me while I'm putting my makeup on. I was on Red Eye with you, and I think you were yourself. You kind of let it all hang out. Yeah, and then they edit the shit out of it. My best line on there racially was when I was with Professor Lamont Hill. And we were talking race, and we're going back and forth. And I like him because he was cutting. He wasn't afraid of.

But then he's got nothing to risk. He's a black, you know, PhD. So but he goes, I go, yeah, you and I should do a show together. He goes, yeah. He goes, we'll call it the. What did he say? He goes, we'll call it the professor. We'll call the professor and the racist. And I We'll call it the professor We'll call it the professor

And the racist And I go I'm not a professor Right back in his face Maybe my best line on TV But yes So you're all over those shows I'm all

And I actually just came from there To get here Canceled my Botox appointment To be here with you As your first guest You Botoxed? That's big Come on

I don't really need it No you don't I don't really need it. No, you don't. I don't really need it. Well, see how good it is? That's why you think I don't need it, because it's working. Folks, you know, I used to have a whole chunk on Botox. I used to make fun of it. I can't remember the bit, but the essence was people would, you know, Botox and fix

their face, but their neck would look like 162 years old. Yeah, bad. Right? Yeah. What do you do? They shoot... They shoot toxin into your face, and it hurts. It hurts.

You've never done it? Because more men are doing it now, you know. Yeah, they're called fruitcakes. No, more men are doing it. I think Dr. Oz does it. He's not a fruitcake. I'll start doing it when those 22-year-old waitresses stop looking at me at bananas. It hurts.

It hurts like a bitch. But it's actual food poisoning. What do you call it? Yeah, botulism toxin. That's right. I had a whole bit on it about Farrah Fawcett being locked in the bathroom with a needle and a can of mushroom soup that had expired. Aw, Farrah.

Rest in peace. Well, you don't. You really don't. But you're... No, I do. You know, people do it. Here's a little interesting fact. If you squint your nose...

Oh, I have the... I got the Gutfeld Triangle. No, not the... No, Greg really needs it. Squint your nose. I want to see if you have the... Yeah, you got them. You got them.

So both... What, my skin moves when i wrinkle my nose no of course they call these when you wrinkle your nose at the top of the bridge of your nose if it wrinkles those are called your bunny lines and botox as opposed to the bunny now what's the say bunny lines because i guess when bunnies wrinkle their nose they look wrinkly oh i thought they meant bunnies in your nose you know you call them a buga a bunny when you're a kid all right gross That's gross. So anyway, so I am particularly fond of getting rid of the bunny lines,

and Botox is good for that. You don't have a wrinkle on you. It is working, so. Yeah, see? And you said what? You'll be 67 in February? No, no, 32. How old are you?

I will never tell you. You're like my wife. Ever. Ever. I don't don't you know i don't think it's not just a number and in the tv business nobody should really know how old you are but if you google like statistics on me one of the highest search i don't know rated searches on me is jonas billboard age jonas billboard hot jonas billboard married and yeah there you have it age, John S. Bilboar hot, John S. Bilboar married. And yeah, there you have it. And John S. Bilboar smart.

I mean, come on, you can say a lot about attorneys, a lot of shit about them, I do, but there's one thing, they're pretty smart. You know, you're supposed to be, I suppose. Well, I mean, you had to pass the bar. Yup. That's no fucking easy task. Did that on the first try. JFK Jr. had to take 11 times. You know, I was just watching that Seinfeld episode the other day where Elaine kind of

gets a date with him or almost gets a date with John John Kennedy Jr. He was such a good looking guy, but not the sharpest tool. He's a Kennedy. He's a liberal. How smart can they be? Fucking good riddance. It took him like six times. How many times did it take him to pass the bar? She had a girl with him no yeah in Boston like not together no

no Jesus Christ no I wouldn't do that that's filthy here uh your ass is showing Nick pull up your pants no there was a there was a there was a well a girl in Boston when I was in my 20s, this girl, Abba, and she was Hungarian or something. And just, her mother owned a gym and whatever. So she had to be hot. Dude, I'm telling you, to this day. How do you know she was with John F. Kennedy Jr.? If it wasn't a menage.

How did I know? Yeah. Because her friends, I mean, I had all this evidence. I was with her. No, no, no. If you saw this broad, I mean, I had all this evidence. I was with, no, no, no. If you saw this broad,

you wouldn't be asking this question. You'd be like, Oh, cause she was that hot. She had to be with John F. Kennedy jr. What's he, he's not a fucking God.

Oh, he was cute. Please. If he was working at the local dump, you wouldn't look at him twice. He was a Kennedy. No, he was a handsome bastard,

but I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I brought her home for Christmas too. You see my old man thought he was gonna flip out really oh she shows up in a black miniskirt i mean the sickest natural body yes and listen to this a a white belly shirt like but but uh like cottony like snow it looked like snow with her belly showing are you kidding every guy even my brother they were almost fucking passing out in the punch bowl her i mean i i can't describe who does that to meet somebody's parents though uh the type of girls i hang out with my 20s dirty whores no she was good she had to be you don't go to meet an italian father with your with your belly button

show and you just don't do that yeah my said this. What the hell's going on out here? And no, it was fucking, it was crazy. Anyways, so how'd we get on that? Oh, talking about the bar. So you did great. You're a good student too. How'd you do in high school? I skipped, I got to skip seventh grade.

They wanted to put me in a gifted program, but my parents wanted me to be normal. You don't get that from your mother's side why not no spillboard spillboard is probably german or some type of russian jew they think it's i don't know i don't know welsh maybe there's a baseball player with the same last name but he spells a difference and what triple a no with colorado spillboard spillboard but he spells it o-r-O-U-G-H or something like that. Yeah, that's Spillboro. No, it's pronounced the same. Do you know?

No, I don't. Yeah, so it's something European. I mean, who cares? American Indian. I got some American Indian. What did your dad do? You got an Indian in you too? Yeah.

You can't tell? That's the DWI part. Probably. So what did your dad do? For a living? Yeah No he still does Oh

I assumed he was deceased No All the talks about Facelifts and shit I thought he You know My father He was 70 and he was dead

My father is 66 Yeah Oh you're a kid My mother is 64 I I think, or 63. Yeah, so my father owns his own painting business. I'm the first spillboard to go to college. You say painting.

I mean, does he do watercolors or garages? No, he does garages. No, my father's not. Anyway, so yeah, so my mother is a housewife. They were very proud to send me to law school, California. Have you ever been to San Diego? Yes, I have. Love it.

I got chlamydia there twice. Did you? Yeah. I jumped right in the ocean. I had to salt kill it. Go ahead. Yeah. No, that, that probably worked.

Yeah. But that's where I went to law school out there. La Jolla? Close. Pacific beach. The poor person's La Jolla. What was the name of the school? Uh, California Western

Cal Western Yeah And yeah Passed the bar on the first try See that? Many moons ago Your parents are both Who do you think you get the brains from?

Both of them? Both Oh they're not listening Tell the truth They'll listen Both You're smart So you aced everything?

What did you study? I aced everything At Cal Poly Slo slow no i mean you know you have to take what they make you take when you want to become a lawyer and then i took the i remember the bars good the bar is three days long i'm great at poker we should go play texas hold'em sometime yeah and uh craps is really my game the bar is three days long so it's pretty grueling now do you no oh i can't either but i remember i walked out of there and you compare with all your friends And craps is really my game. The bar is three days long. So it's pretty grueling now. Do you? No. Oh, I can't either.

But I remember I walked out of there and you compare with all your friends like, ah, what did you say for this question? What was your answer to that question? And everybody had the opposite of what I answered. And I thought, ah. What, after the bar you mean? After the bar when you all compare. So now you're going, oh my God. So I'm like, oh crap.

And then it takes four months until you find out whether you passed or not. And the day that the results came out, somebody went online, got my results, called me up and said, you know, congratulations, counselor. That was about nine o'clock in the morning. I was in San Diego living in a basement apartment, flea infested because of the neighbor's dog. Yeah. And I cracked open a Coors Light. Jesus, went all out. And did a dance on somebody's picnic table and that's how my career what were you wearing during the day probably shorts it's san diego i was in a three-piece wall suit right that's how my career got started in um

so you passed the first time yeah some let me ask you a question Are some states easier than others? And I'm not implying, I'm just saying They say New York is the hardest California is the second hardest I took it in California, didn't have to take it in New York But you know, it's a test It's a test Oh, it's more than a test

Use your common sense That's what the law is anyway Oh, it's common sense? Yeah That's funny because there's a book Oh, it's common sense? Yeah. That's funny because there's a book, and I know you're familiar with it, called The Death of Common Sense, right? No, I'm not. You're not familiar with this book?

No. By Thomas, what's his last name? Please don't let me forget. I want to say McCall. That's wrong. But it's called The Death of Common Sense, and it's all about our legal system. How can you say it's all about common sense when you get a dry cleaning bag and it says,

don't put this over your kid's head? I know. That's retarded. Do you see what I'm saying? No, I know. And it shouldn't say, don't use the hair dryer in the bathtub

or don't stick a fork in the toaster. I get that. Yes, and it's the law that's taking the common sense out of it. It's not the law that's taking the common sense.

It's the lawyers that are taking the common sense out of it. Yeah, but aren't you the guardian of the law of i mean who's writing oh i see what you're saying you're not writing the laws but no no we have to navigate the waters but i'm making a good point right look up somebody google this okay when you listen to this tomorrow on the way to work google what what? The death of common sense. I'd pull it up on my computer right now, but then I'll, you know,

that's how I'm recording this show. Yeah, no, then you can't do that. But you're right. I'll give you this. There are a lot of things in the law that don't make sense. Like I, even though I handle divorces all the time, I'm not a fan of, say, lifetime the time yeah i'm not a fan of say lifetime maintenance like i'm not a fan of if you're married to somebody for 20 years and you're

going to get divorced that one spouse has to take care of the other spouse financially for the rest of their lives i don't personally get that so you're the one female that's not for that i am not for it i am for women working and supporting themselves and their families why not that's that's what I do. If I can do it, anybody can do it. Well, not anybody can pass the bar on the first shot. So that's kind of a simplifying it. But how about this?

And this bugs me because I don't think I'm wrong here. As far as custody, child custody, aren't the laws about 99% in favor of the mother? That has to change because you hear these stories where the guy snaps, kills the ex-wife and the kid, and the kid almost understand it. It's like taking cubs away from a bear or something. You can't, it really has to change. I'm not justifying the guy's behavior, but I'm just saying you can see how they'd snap.

No, no, no. And the problem is when people use their kids as pawns in their custody battle and their divorce, that's when it really starts. Because you know what the courts want? The courts want mommy and daddy to spend equal time with the children after they're divorced. And there's no reason why you can't do that unless, you know, the dad's an astronaut and he's not around, you know, what have you. But if two normal people working two normal jobs, you should be able to do that. But when it comes down to who's going to get the child support check, that's when things get ugly. And it shouldn't be that way. Child support should not be automatic to the person

who has the kids 51% of the time. It should be on an as needed basis. Yes. Which kids need, you get. They don't need, you don't don't get yes but that's not how it works no no but it should and and that's why you see a lot of guys snapping when when the wives get custody of the kids and they just fucking freak i know but nobody gives a shit this is the you know but you know what's even worse the century of the woman that i see in my practice all the time yeah people split up and let's say it's not people don't split up because of cheating by the way people split up okay they don't but but 99 of the people who come and see me somebody has a girlfriend or a boyfriend already so it's perceived as if somebody else broke up the marriage that's

not what happened people fall out of love and then they move on before they get divorced. That's the problem. So when you have, let's say, a husband gets a girlfriend, and now the wife is kind of alone, the last thing she wants is little Billy and little Susie spending time with the new girlfriend because they blame that person for splitting up the marriage. It's not that at all. And I'm sure a lot of the cases you see, it is because of infidelity.

And probably more times than not, it's the dad or the male. not that at all and i'm sure a lot of the cases you see it is because of infidelity and probably most more times than not it's the dead or the father the male oh you think you think women aren't capable of see how she takes that this is why i hate the times i'm living in even when you even when you're i'm fucking complimenting women in a left-handed way with that comment and they still get defended we can't fuck around like you guys i'm not i'm not defending that women cheat all the time we're just smarter and better at it than you guys. Okay, well, don't get surprised when their fucking boyfriend kills you. Okay.

We are, but we should talk about fun things. So I love it. So you're telling me that you think as far as... So then that's another myth about men. We're not always the ones that is wrecking the marriage by cheating. Women are so much better at cheating than you guys. That's because you're manipulative little fucks. No, you guys, you're very careless about it, which is how you get caught.

But, you know, I know it's careless, but there's got to be some subconsciously, you know what I mean? They want to get caught. I want out. That's what they say. That's what shrinks say, that you want out so you're going to get caught. But, you know, don't do stupid things. Like, if you don't have a code on your phone, don't all of a sudden put one on. This is beautiful.

Don't all of a sudden put one on, right? Because, you know. I wouldn't know how to. Yeah, you're a little technologically challenged. But that's good. See, that's good for your marriage. Yeah, it's terrific. I can't even hide my tracks when I look at porn.

I'm like a cat burglar walking across a white rug with muddy boots. There's a trail of fucking shit right to the... I'm telling you, it's horrible. See, I think porn is probably good for most marriages, though. Oh, my God. Can I get the wife down here? Honey! I'm just saying.

Honey! No, no, she's going to come here. I'm thinking I'm serious. Repeat that. Repeat what you just said for the No, no, she's going to come here. I'm thinking I'm serious. Repeat that. Repeat what you just said for the girls out there who are these troglodytes. Porn is probably good for marriages. I'm just saying. A little bit.

Not overboard. Can't be 24-7, but you can incorporate it some. That's where you set the parameters 24-7? You know. Okay, how about 18-6? Yeah, there you go. Perfect ratio. I like

That's That's alright You know we don't have to be All fuddy-duddy You gotta keep your marriage Interesting I mean Take it from me

Because I was married For five whole Freaking minutes I wanna hear This is where This is where we're leading I wanted to By the way

Don't forget to go see me Wednesday night At the Hammerstein Ballroom In New York With David Tell and Jay Moore. It's the Boomer and Carton. It's a big Super Bowl gig. That's going to be a great show.

We're doing about 20 minutes apiece. And I don't know why I plugged that. I don't get any more money for doing so. But it makes me feel like I'm working. And I love that venue. I saw Kid Rock there years ago. And next Thursday through Saturday, I'll be in Timonium, Maryland at the McGuby's Joke House.

It's a good room. It sounds silly, but it's a very nice room. For Super Bowl, you're going to be there? No. Oh, following? Next Thursday through Saturday, yeah. That's good. So what did you just say?

I'm sorry. I wanted to get that plug in there. No, I said Hammerstein Ballroom is a good venue, and we were talking about how I was married for five minutes. Yes, what happened? And you know how we got off on the tangent? Because I was going to say to you, I was watching Seinfeld. And there's an episode of Seinfeld where he is wearing a puffy shirt.

Do you remember that? Yes. So when I got married, my then husband wore a puffy shirt. And that's when I knew. That was on our wedding day. Wait a minute. He broke out the puffy shirt on your wedding day? He broke out a puffy shirt. that's when i knew that was on our wedding day wait a minute he broke out the puffy shirt on your wedding day he broke out and did it really no you're just joking though did that really a light went off you're like i'll just show you pictures no but it really bothered you

that much you're like oh my god i might have the wrong guy are you just being funny now he wore a puffy shirt now yeah i think i knew that there was problems before he broke out the puffy shirt and my father was one. It was a beautiful venue. I don't know if you've ever been to Ryan Cliff. There's a beautiful venue there. The party was fantastic. Ryan Cliff? Ryan Beck. The Belvedere. Have you ever been there?

That's up by FDR's house and all that? Yep. A little north of that. Gorgeous venue. Views of the river. Anyway, so the party was fantastic. It was in fall. Leaves. All the night. The whole nine yards. But I remember my father's...

Don't you love it? She's a lawyer. She fucking aced the bar the first time. And there was leaves. And the shit was turning colors. It was beautiful. It was. Okay.

I was drunk for the party. You're at the Rhyme... Oh, wait a minute. So there was trouble beforehand. You show up at your wedding drunk. Oh, yeah. I had to. Oh. Listen to this. So there was trouble beforehand. You show up at your wedding drunk. Oh, yeah. I had to. Oh, listen to this.

There's a lot more. I feel like Merv Griffin. Ooh, tell us some more. Dig deeper. It's great. And my poor father, so he's walking me down the aisle, but it was an outdoor wedding, so it wasn't really an aisle. It was like a little stone path.

Yeah. And he whispered, you know, it's not too late. You can change your mind right now. Who said that? Your dad? My father. And I'm like, dad,

I call my dad, dude, dude, you got a hundred people sitting there looking at me. I can't change my mind now. What do you care? I'm like, let's just have a really good time,

which is what we did. I can't believe the old, so the old man wasn't a big fan of your husband. What was his name? Your husband? Matt. They did not let, my parents have not been a big fan of any of what was his name your husband matt they did not like my parents have not

been a big fan of any of my boyfriends well i that's usually um your dad's not italian but it's usually the italian dad that's well any dad i guess is really no one's good enough for my little girl right yeah kind of the mezzo soprano uh yeah so so they weren't crazy what did he do crazy about him so you know like i said we turned it into a good time and then um shortly thereafter was a little longer than five minutes when uh i decided to really call it quit for that this is how i got divorced this is terrible i shouldn't even be saying this so broke the news don't want to be married anymore la la la la la three days later Matt took all of his clothes And all of his stuff

Put it in those big black garbage bags That you like put leaves in Threw it in the back of his truck Drove away Never saw him again Wait a minute How far into the marriage It was probably

Actually a few years not long And he just packed his shit in a garbage bag the big black kind so that's what you gave him for luggage for a gift on your he seriously he just put his shit in trash bag drove i kind of like this guy drove away never saw him again so we got divorced basically through the mail he moved so he moved to New Orleans. It was right around Katrina time. And he went there and decided to join Habitats for Humanity and build houses. And I handled the divorce from here.

So he's a lefty. Oh, big tree hugger. Real lefty. Huge tree hugger. Good, let him and his trash bag go to hell. Get out of New Orleans in that shithole and build somebody a tent, you fuck. He's still there, too.

I'm only kidding. It's a beautiful city. Really? Yeah. So wait a minute. This doesn't... What attracted you to this guy? What did he do?

I don't know. First of all, you're not a lefty. No. We were so opposite, Nick. Like, he liked to camp. You just loved his looks. He was pretty good looking. I am shallow that way.

Just like my wife. He used to like to camp and hike. I hate camping and hiking. Like if I can't plug in my blow dryer, I don't want to go. Yeah, you're a real city. No, I really am. And so I hated that crap and he liked it. And then.

Where was he from originally? LA. Wait a minute. The guy's from we met in san diego have you ever oh my god superficiality to the 10th part you know yeah yeah you met at school no he wasn't and that was the other thing he didn't really have a job oh my god you just you were just physically attracted to this guy and the sex was good sex was okay sex was okay not the best well how can i be just okay with a guy that uses trash bags for luggage i mean it had to be terrific not the best and then you know what though i traded him in you want to talk about

bad sex i don't know if you want to talk about sex on your show, but I traded him. And the person that I got involved with after him was a 45 second wonder. 45 seconds was as long as he could go. Yeah, but maybe he went seven, eight times a night. No, no. How old are you at the time? times than i no no how old are you at the time he at the time was 40 you can't go longer than 45 seconds at 40 oh i can go forever i have no feeling left down there from all the porn from well yeah steven hawkins dick's more sensitive um 45 seconds and i'm not kidding he was just so turned on that's a compliment to you, though.

That's not a compliment. It's not? I've had... He's so turned on by you. I've had pap smears that lasted longer than that. That's a compliment, too, isn't it? Oh, my God. Yeah, like, so I don't make good choices.

I've made many good choices in my life, career-wise. Yeah? I do not make good choices in the man department i just don't i know which is why i'm you know i'm timing the guy i couldn't help it i couldn't help but time him and it was frustrating because you wanted more from this guy you probably thought he's really more would have been normal this was not normal yeah that's that's ridiculous i'm good for like i don't know three minutes and 45 seconds yeah you know that's ridiculous. I'm good for like, I don't know, three minutes and 45 seconds. Yeah. You know, that's like a lifetime.

Depends on what I'm thinking about. Isn't that crazy though? I don't know, maybe. If I fail when I was young and I felt like I was gonna ejaculate prematurely, to slow it down I'd think about Yogi Berra getting out of the shower. And that would turn you off? That would turn me off too.

From the front. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, God. What am I, running hot here? I'm going up in the red zone here. This stupid board that I get at Radio Shack. Those contraptions scare me.

What do? These, you know. I know. The instrument panel. Every time I talk about radio, you know, and uh i'm like you know i don't i know how to talk into the mic and then most radio jobs go that's all you need to know i got an honor to run the board yeah i'm like paulie and good fella i don't know how to make a restaurant i sit down order the meals all i know it's no fair no i know it's scary you gotta end this

is interesting i'm finding all this stuff about. I'm embarrassed now by admitting all this. Tell the crowd that you had a crush on me because I still don't believe it, but that's what you told me. I did. So, oh, did I ever tell you this? So, all right. How about me bringing that up? You get this to glass. I used to have a really huge crush on you.

What's the past tense? What happened? What changed? Oh, well, you know, because now we kind of work together. I can't crush on you anymore. But this was really funny. That was John of Spillbar, everybody. My next show.

Really? I won't be back. So, but what, this is the interesting thing. So Matt, the husband that I had for five minutes, we came to see you years ago at the Comedy Cellar. It was you, Colin Quinn,

a couple other people. Maybe Jim Norton. I don't know if he was there. Sure. Same eight guys from the last four to you. So, yeah, and it was a colin quinn a couple other people maybe jim norton i don't know if he's sure same eight guys for the last four to you so yeah and it was really great show and i don't know if you were uh connecting with matt in the audience or it was after the show whatever you said out loud hey your wife is hot had to be a dozen years ago but i had a crush on you back then like i crushed on you for at least 12 years now. Well, let me ask you this.

Okay, so back then you got a crush on me and you know I'm at the comedy cellar. Why wouldn't you show up by yourself? Why didn't I? Yeah. Oh, God. That's what a guy would do. That's a difference.

If you were a comedian and I was the one that had a crush on you and I had a girlfriend, you know, and I find out you're at the cellar, I'd be standing in the corner like a psycho with a wet raincoat. Just everybody be looking over at me. Yeah.

I hadn't honed my stalking skills at that point. That's hilarious. I get nervous when people go, yeah, I came to see you at the cellar because I've spent so much time in that basement. Seriously. I moved down to New York back in the early 90s. I went out to LA for a few years, but I've had incidents.

I've had nights, you know, and I had a few of me, and I was embarrassed and stuff I've done. And I told you, I had an apartment on the Upper East Side when I was living in Manhattan, and there was a diner right across the street from me called Nick's. And I had been in my apartment not even a month and the first time I go over to Nick's for breakfast the waitress comes

over and can I take you out of a burger and she comes back she goes you're a comedian and I go yeah and I go well how do you she goes you call me a cunt at the comedy cellar a couple weeks ago and I'm like please don't please don't spit in my eggs too late you know i mean yeah exactly i ate him anyway but um every time you hear that yeah i saw you at this huh and i've had it and half the stories are good it's so funny probably 50 people have said that to me and half the stories are good and half like yeah you started you started yelling at this old guy and stuff back in the day but don't you think it's funny to me that a dozen years ago um you know crushing on you at the comedy cellar and now here i am doing a podcast

with you like a perfectly normal human being no i know great way too much control the universe is weird it is weird but uh i mean come on you're a talent well so are you i'd rather your career more money this this lady spends like six figures to advertise her law firm at radio places that i'm trying to get gigs at so what do you think of that so who did how'd you do in high school you know i did fine without much effort either, huh? It just comes natural. It makes me sick. No, you got to be very intelligent to be a comedian. You know that. You can't be funny unless you're incredibly smart.

I say to be a good comic. There's a lot of... You got to. And I'm like the Penny Lane of the comics. I've dated four. In the last six months, I've dated four. I know. This is why I don't feel that special. No. No, I first found out that you said you had a crush on me. I've dated four. In the last six months, I've dated four. I know. This is why I don't feel that special. No. No, I first

found out that you said you had a crush on me. I dated you. And then she mentions five Italian comics. They're like weak middles that she's dated. They're not even headliners. I don't feel that special anymore. Feel special? Come on. Tell you what, they don't have setups like this. My God.

Like what? This is fabulous. Yeah, they're not in the, you know, they don't have setups like this. My God. Like what? It's fabulous. Yeah, they're not in the, you know, I've been around a while. That, you know, I saw weed during the day. Good. Yeah, well, that's a good plan B. You've got to have a plan B. What else did I, I wanted to bring something up that I said we'll get back to.

Did I get back to it? Remember? I said make a mental note. Oh, yeah, no. Oh, I know. Gretchen Carlson. Oh, yeah. yeah what tell me why you don't love her um because she's married no um i i don't dislike her i just they called me in fox and friends i love kill me and those guys they're good guys kill me they call me in when um do you remember david letterman got in trouble doing some

jokes about sarah palin's daughter yes a rod slept with remember that whole thing yep so naturally they called me i'd done the show a few times and really stunk it up i'm surprised they called me back and uh so i go in and um first they screen you on the phone they want to know what you think which is kind of yeah that's but but i was like yeah i think he's wrong it's an easy target and blah blah blah but then i thought about it when i went to bed that night and thought about it more driving on interfox and i changed my mind that i'm like you know if sarah palin she can she's a big girl she can protect herself that was pretty much my angle that's all i said and gretchen wasn't on the couch it was me doocy and kill me for some reason and and gretchen was watching though so then when i came off i changed my tune i kind of sided with lederman

a little bit right you know and uh so then when i came off uh brian or somebody introduced me to gretchen i put my hand out she just looked down at it made the dirtiest face no it went around me and it wasn't my imagination. It's not one of those. She just blew me. She snubbed you? Oh, my God. And then after that, when I watched her, I could see why.

She gets a little hot-headed when the feminist angle comes up. You ever see her on O'Reilly? She gets all crazy. Well, she's a former beauty queen. I know. I know. I have the pictures. That's odd. And I think she, and i think she and i like her i like her a lot but i think she likes men a little more than she likes women i think oh i didn't get that

you didn't get she treated me like i was a woman she did not like i i maybe it was her idea to have me on i don't know she wasn't on the segment but she listened listened to it. And I've had a couple run-ins over there. I almost got tossed from the building. By who? I'll tell you. Remember the strategy room? Yes. The strategy room was a streaming show that they did.

Yeah, I was on it a few times. Yes. I mean, the big name personalities at Fox would come in and sit. Yeah. Hammer was hosting it. And then I had done it a handful of times. And then I go in there and I forget who's hosting. Oh, Judge Napolitano is hosting.

Yeah. Well, this story's going to make plenty of... So I'm sitting there. He asked me some question. Why do you think Obama won won the election and i said well i think i did the number one the media right i mean come on they're carrying his water they were in the bag for this guy and out of nowhere shepherd smith shows up and just comes flying right into the picture and says you're the typical you're the type of guy that needs you're the type of guy that needs to blame somebody you couldn't be further for he went nuts on me i mean

so much so i'm usually i love i love a confrontation i'm always i never shut my mouth i was so it it came out of so left field i was so shocked for the first time in my life i sat there like the adult and let him go off and make an act he fucking ripped me up and down really yes and then then napolitano wouldn't didn't want me on uh didn't want me on the panel like the next week they'll do that if they get mad at you you're gonna i didn't say anything you're gonna get a time out because he he i was so shocked shep left and then napolitano asked me another question and i was like a deer in the headlights like my first time on tv I was still thinking about Jack off but were you doing one of those things like I should have said this do you ever do that or no because you're a pro

no everybody does that it's funny but it's true when you're a comic it comes easy the the verbal black belt but uh but then because i'm a comic and i'm jaded and i'm used to saying mean shit then when i get in the car and i go i should have said this then i'm like no that would have kicked me out of they would have kicked me out of the country you go like it's it's like you go way too a little too far but yeah shep came after me like and here's my theory on that he i think he saw me i know where else would he have seen me but like on tough crowd and shows like that with my right kind of right leaning and he you know i don't know if he's gay enough but i got a lot of that vibe that you just hate whatever maybe he's seen you on uh on greg

show on red eye i don't think so no i think it was i think it was uh he couldn't have had that much pent-up anger for me just from a few appearances on Red Eye. It had to be, you know, I'm blaming it on my tough crowd appearances, but it came out of left field. And then you could Google. I remember it got like 200,000 views or whatever, you know. The strategy room. Maybe that's why he did it because they didn't really have a lot of traffic on their web base.

Maybe that's maybe because Shep is one smart dude. He really is. And I like him. I like him a lot. So maybe that was planned. It worked. Right. Because they wanted viewers.

It worked. Why sabotage me? Christ's sake. Like you said, he figured you could take it yeah i get i don't know you're nick to pop he has since though probably six months ago i got a call from his show i forget what the subject was oh it's those white collar guys that box after work you know they fight each other oh there's a phenomenon now guys white collar boxing like guys corporate guys go to the gym and they'll fight each other to settle there,

whatever. Oh, nice. And they're going to put it on TV. That's ridiculous. Somebody's going to put it on. No, I think it'll be pretty good. You do? Anyways, he wanted me to go in for that, but I was on my way to some gig.

So I guess the, you know. And you know what? I didn't hold it against him because I like that. I like that type of horse shit. But that surprised the hell out of me. And then, not long after that that's when i was told i almost get you know canned from uh going in that building and and and then uh geraldo rivera who i like um he sits down and it was a strategy room thing and and i called him a liberal

because he was in the 70s he was a columbia fucking left-leaning and he's changed a lot yeah and i sort of called for him he's like who's like oh you're a libertarian and he he kind of lost his temper a little bit but then he saw me the next week and came in and uh the whole crew over there really uh he came in like i was on the panel again in strategy i mean he was like rubbing my shoulders standing behind me like as an apology i guess isn't it he's little did you notice like he looks a lot smaller in real life than he yes on television he's like a small guy yeah but i've seen him a couple times i like that guy though i like him too i met him the first time i met him was at court tv which back when court tv was alive and he was um combing his very thick mustache yeah he can't make up his mind on the facial hair no but he was kind of dismissive

to me so you know i walk in i younger than i'm like geraldo i'm a big fan my name is jonah spillboard nice to meet you and i think i put my hand out to shake his but he was so busy grooming that he was like thanks and he didn't even turn from the mirror yeah no he's a little he had me in on his show uh the nighttime show that he had there like on saturday night right after greg gerald my buddy passed away i used to love him too yeah and uh on him see that i did see you see what i'm saying folks he's got a crush on everybody i work with remember uh remember rosie o'donnell i had a crush on everybody I work with. Remember Rosie O'Donnell? I had a crush on her, too.

I like. But, yeah, Geraldo had me in right after Geraldo died. And, yeah, he's a little, you know. But that was cool that he had me in. But he's, same thing, he kind of gave me the call. So as soon as it's over, he kind of blows by me. Yeah. You know what I mean?

They really, these news people really take themselves really seriously. Get the fuck down off your perch. I'm your biggest fan for Christ's sake. I'm the only comedian that leans right. My career has taken a pounding. Show me some respect. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean?

You entertainment types. Yeah, so. Yeah. Let's play one of my favorite comedians. Who's that? Who I think would fit in well with Shepard Smith and Judge. When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now, what should you yell if a woman falls overboard?

Full speed ahead. I love that guy you do realize you play that clip in pretty much every podcast that you do that's the third one in a row

third or fourth one and that's the beauty it's my show you don't like it I'm just proving how much I'm with the gay community I'm glad they're

getting married and it's all gonna end in gunshots and knife fights and they can speaking of I have a legit question for you.

Because you're a man. And I can't understand this. And somebody tried to dismiss me. All right. So at Fox, there's a makeup artist who I'm going to change the name. It's a he who's in the process of becoming a she. So let's say that his male name is Michael, but he goes by Michelle. Yeah.

Because he's probably three quarters of the way through the process. What shows does he work on? and has he touched my face? Probably has. But you would know because even though he's three quarters of the way through the process you look at him and you're like yeah not sure what's going on there. He has the hands of Mark

Bavaro while he's putting on my rouge. Huge huge hands. I'm kidding. Seriously? No he has huge hands okay he's a big guy but makeup is beautifully done he's got a wig on and very feminine and the voice is kind of high from the hormones anyway every time i'm in the makeup chair he'll tell me a story or she'll tell me a story about how she'll be walking down the street or she's in a department store and these men come out of nowhere and proposition her. Married men, single men, rich men, old men, young men. And she's telling me a story.

But just the other day, you know, there's a restaurant across the street from Fox and she's walking out of work and somebody runs out of this restaurant and says to her, oh, my God, will you please come in? Let me buy you a drink. And she has five minutes. And it's Bill O'Reilly. No, just some stranger. So anyway, so they exchanged numbers. And I said to her, are you, seriously? And she shows me texts from these guys.

So she's not lying. Like, how is it that you can't walk down the street without getting hit on? I mean, I can get catcalls or whatever, whistles, but people don't fly out of their bar stool. Well, can I give you my male point of view? Please. First of all, did you say he or she is in a halfway transition?

Okay, that's number one. They don't run up and proposition you because they assume, they know you're all woman and you're probably taken because you're hot. This guy sounds like, again, this guy sounds like Gronkowski in a wig. I mean, I'd have to see before I can make this judgment. But you're going to.

But the men are straight. So what are you implying? That straight guys want to see what it's like to be with a he-she? Is that? That's what I want to know. Because it doesn't make sense. Jimmy Norton. That's the guy who would fill you in on that.

He's into all that. She's not full of crap because I've seen. But does she look like a good looking woman? No. What does she look? You said like she's halfway through. He's halfway through. I don't even know how to characterize this.

She's large. Oh, wow. Let me run at her on 6th Avenue. Large and unique looking, but you... Adam's apple. She take care of that. What do they do with that? They melt that down?

I don't know what they do with that. They shave it down? She still has a penis. Everything else is changed over, but she still has a penis. She still has... That's weird, right? You can't say that. She still has a penis.

It sounds like Moltisanti, Christopher Moltisanti, when he's telling that story in one of the episodes at a pizza parlor about how this guy, his friend was fingering some chick on a swing set, and he was a mafia guy and reached down. It's an old story. It's like a true story. And it turned out it was a guy who was a transvestite. He goes, so next day he threw acid all over her, on her face, on her prick.

On her prick. Terrible. I just don't, I don't get it. But I think you're exaggerating. People running up to her and asking her out. No. She's telling you that?

Who's telling you that? Judge Napolitano, who's telling you that? She tells me that and then half of these people are married, straight guys. I don't understand. You know what?

Let me put another angle up. Married, straight. First of all, we don't know that they're straight. They're married and probably gay, but married, using the beard situation. You think? Yeah. That's another angle. Hey, our society's so... I can't figure it's hard to you know as i know as i wouldn't can you know i'm pretty sure i can distinguish i'll have to find a picture what shows you can't tell me she's probably done my hair

oh you know what now i know because i remember i did red eye and I was in pigtails. So somebody was fucking with me. That's what he was doing after he did my hair. You would know because you probably would have had a lot of eyeliner on. Eyeliner? She does a lot of eyeliner. I've got Fox makeup on now. They do a nice job. TV makeup looks great on the air, but when you leave the lights, camera, you look a little overdone.

I always look, I don't, most times I don't have it. You don't? No. You gotta put a little powder on. They always put too much. I look like Lily Munster. It's fucking bloating during her period. You got to.

So you didn't clear that up for me at all. What's that? Why that people run after her and just want to hang out? Well, again, I question that they're straight married guys. How do you know that? I mean, and if they are, like I said, that's my angle that they're probably they got married uh they're probably gay and you know they felt the pressure back in the day that they had to do the right thing but it's a beard situation and she doesn't tell them how do you feel about the gay marriage thing

i honestly i think uh it's well deserved it's about time I mean who gives a shit really It's more work for you you're a divorce attorney Well and I already have I already have gay divorces And we just legalized it But you know why can't you marry who you want to marry I agree look I'm supposed to be Joe right wing This was funny They always because show business is so liberal

That if you know if you're To the right on Three out of ten issues you're like fucking a Nazi, fascist, whatever, right? But yeah, I never got that. I never got that, why people would upset that two. How does that affect? I'm not just trying to be politically correct here. I don't understand how that would affect me

if two people. Want to get married, right? And they love it. Who cares? Yeah. What's the, you know, I personally, I get married, right, and they love it, who cares? Yeah. What's the, you know, I personally, I'm just, well, I'm pretty much anti-marriage. I was just, that was my next question. Period.

But if you want to get married, get married. So your situation's sour. By the way, I'm talking to Jonna Spillbore. This is how I know I'm rusty on my radio chops. I haven't reset the guest. That's all right. It's a podcast. 11 people are listening.

We'll have more than that. So your five-minute marriage sort of soured you on the whole institution. No, you know what soured me on the whole institution? Black trash bags. Handling people's divorces soured me on the whole institution oh you see how ugly yeah but yeah every day and and they're not always bad right

from the beginning that's the thing those are my favorite story have you handled any of these john somebody yeah a couple you always read these every once in a while. Some guy in his late 90s killed his 94-year-old wife. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Can you imagine? No, I can. What put it at that point? I had a divorce recently. 47 years married.

They're both in their 70s. Both dying. Like, really? Both dying? You know, one had whatever. had whatever kidney disease the other one heart like you can't just hang out until you know that's funny that's a great yeah that shows a sounds like they were faking the whole relationship now now i need you i have kidney dialysis and she's i can't help you i'm shitting pants myself. So maybe it's actually the perfect time to get divorced.

Maybe that's an act of love at that point. That's terrible. And, you know, Captain and Tennille. That's 40 years. Damn, I wish I had them. 40 years. Let me see. I have some Captain and Tennille.

No, but I got somebody who was very popular when they were popular. Pride, anger, covetousness. I can never say that. Lust, gluttony,y envy and sloth are collectively known as what oh the bellarines we need to increase your library no i haven't i have a ton but now it's a hook that people uh people don't like it you want to hear something else it's terrible

yeah I mentioned the Captain Tennille getting divorced to the guy that I'm currently dating who is kind of a comic but he's only 27

yeah you like the young stuff he was like who is that oh my god he's a shitty comic no you know what 27

no he's a baby it's a baby man you like him. What's he give you, a minute and 45? No. No, he can go a long time. Yeah?

Yeah. What's his name? I ain't telling. Who is this motherless fuck? I am not telling. Come on. No way. Huh?

This is a podcast. I'm going to figure it out. I'll tell you off the air. You know how I'll figure it out? How? I'll drive by your house and I'll see a pair of exploding shoes leaning against the garage. Exploding shoes? Yeah, that means he's a shitty comic.

First of all, I don't like the fact that there's somebody out there. Is he a headliner? I don't think so. He's not even a headliner. No. Okay, this is fucking bothering me right now. Why? Because he's not even a headliner and he's having sex with a smoking fucking attorney.

Okay? When I was 27, I had already been closing A rooms. Now, according to you, when you were 27, you were having a lot of sex. I was. I'm going to show you pictures after the show. All right? Of what? Women?

No, me. Oh. I know what you looked like at 20. Close. No, these are 22, 21. Oh, all right. I want you to laugh your ass off Were you muscle head? No

Was I a muscle head? No Christ no Guido Wife beater No no I had a rat tail and a mohawk Get out

And I wore a fucking sparkly purple suit This has been good. I should have more guests. People on Twitter have been telling me that for a long time. Yeah? You could get, you could have a... You know how it is. I live up in the woods and...

I know. Who's going to come up here? You got to be, have done the Iditarod twice before you can handle my road. Now, are you supposed to be doing a podcast a week? Yeah, I do. And I do. I missed one. And I explained this on the last podcast.

I missed one because... Vacation? No, the computer went haywire on me right before vacation. I did like two almost back to back. I was going to release the second one when I was in St. Barts. And yeah, the computer went haywire. So I had to miss a week. You want to know how big a fan I am of yours yeah you're so big a fan of mine you're banging a weak middle from fucking New Jersey go ahead it's 27 um like oh my god and totally hot totally like ripped

anyway um I tried to find the vanilla rum that you were so in love with. Chloriette. You can't do it. You can't find it. You have to go down to the... No kidding. You gotta order it. I found it under a fat black lady.

Pass that on the beach. Chloriette, it's called. I'm gonna find it. If you're listening. If you're like, they're listening. Like some guy right now is in St. Bart's. It's 80 degrees. Instead of at the beach, he's in his fucking basement.

They'll be listening. iTunes, babies. Anyway anyway i'm gonna find it now i gotta try it but i'm gonna find it it's delicious for your birthday which one is that friday now friday's your birthday what are you doing you brought me wine that's it what are you doing we'll have a glass after the show i can't why not gotta drive where you going out of this gotta drive you need a glass wine to get out of my house i know shot of heroin it'll fucking I can't. Why not? Gotta drive. Where you going? Out of this. Gotta drive. You need a glass of wine to get out of my house. I know. Shot of heroin.

It'll fucking relax you. You'll see skeletons of other comedians that came here. I bet. On the side of the road. I should have guessed, man. They're fucking car tipped over. Real quickly, Super Bowl weekend. Are you a sports fan, Jonna? I mean, you like young fellas that can go all night and then a rip, so I'm guessing you

probably like sports. Eh, a little bit. Baseball, mostly. Not football. David Wright. Football david right you're very interesting david wright's my guy david wright's a piece of ass i'd sleep with him oh my god if you know wouldn't give be hit for what you wouldn't give why don't you just walk up to i love how beautiful women make it sound like they have to actually go through something to get laid i'm old enough to to be his cousin. Oh, yeah. That would turn him off. If you get an in with David Wright, and you don't have, like, if you're going to a party,

and you know he's going to be there. She's been in my house for 10 minutes. Now she's using me to get guys. What the fuck? I turned into the elephant man. She had a crush on me for 12 years. Now she's banging a puppeteer. 12 whole years.

What happened? I got old. Oh, stop. I'm going to show some pictures of my earlier days. I sent one to Amy Schumer on Twitter. And that was that story. And Super Bowl. That's what I was going to talk about before we wrap it up.

Did you already do your stuff in Fox? Are you heading in? are you heading out? I already did. I'm heading back to Poughkeepsie when I leave here. And you do that? You don't do it every day or no? You have a place in the city. I have a place in the city.

I love my place in the city. Why wouldn't you? Small. You must be doing good. Floor to ceiling windows, every wall. It's like kind of living in a fishbowl. You like that. But I don't mind.

But it's 52 stories up. It's like, you know what's fun? What? No, but it's 52 stories up it's like you know what's fun what no not trump 52 stories up silver towers oh the silver towers yeah yeah it's nice i'm dating this fat chick in the bronze towers she uh she delivers papers in brooklyn um what are the hell what the fuck's that silver town well it's nice. Apparently. Yeah. Who lives up there? Any other Fox personalities? No, but, oh, crap. There's some famous basketball player. Let me guess, Asian? Nice.

Because I was just going to say it last night. What? I can't remember his name, and I should. I think I've bumped into him a couple of times. You've bumped into his balls. Yeah. Probably because he's 7'19". That's right.

Could you get your bag out of my face? I'm trying to get down to the lobby. So the Silver Towers, 52nd floor, plus you have a house up in Poughkeepsie. Yeah, I have a gorgeous place in Poughkeepsie, and I own my office in Poughkeepsie, which is not far from the Hudson. I like being near the water. Jesus Christ, you're kicking ass.

You know, why not? Thank God, right? I'm lucky. No, you're making it look easy. I'm lucky. Yeah. No, you're not lucky.

I'm sure you put your time in. You know what I mean? You know. You went to Cal Poly Slow. Right. No, wasn't it? Cal Western. Cal Western.

Cal Western. Wasn't that a guy? Wasn't that a movie star in the 40s? Frederick March and Cal Western in. Yeah, no, I like going back and forth. Poughkeepsie's a little slow entertainment wise. We need more good comics at Bananas. They moved, by the way, after the incident.

I hope the fuck they moved. I hope they moved out of... What, they're still in Poughkeepsie? They're still in Poughkeepsie. At least now you can drink there. Oh, my aching stem. They're still in Poughkeepsie. Why your aching stem?

My aching stem. That's an old one. Super Bowl predictions, John. I know you're more of a baseball fan, but... Oh, crap. It's the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks. Denver, the most prolific offense in the history of the league this year, and then Seattle, the tremendous defense, number one defense. Could be a great game.

I think the last I heard, the line was like, I don't know, Mike Francesa. I thought he said it was two and a half or three. Denver was favored, But any prediction? You're not a football fan. I'm not a football fan. I'll say Denver will probably win. But all I really care about is I've got a couple of squares in a Super Bowl pool. So, you know, that's all weird.

Like the end of the second, if the score is zero. Yes. Yes. But you like the gamble. You like the roll. Oh, God. I love the gamble. Let's talk real quick before we go.

I didn't, Bill O'Reilly, have you met him? Mm-hmm. Have you been on the show? Yep. You have? Did he like you? You're probably too sharp for him. I don't.

I love O'Reilly, by the way. I'm not. I like him, too. I like him, too. I don't get on his show very often. I think he likes me. I do remember one story I have about him. We were at Megyn Kelly's, one of her

baby showers. What did that smell like? I mean, where does she live? Megyn used to live around here. But we were at one of the baby showers and Bill O'Reilly is a tall dude. Have you been on his show? No, we wouldn't be scared. He's a really, like 6'5".

And even when I've got heels on, I might be about 5'6 or so. And so he was looking down at me, and I was kind of wearing a shirt like this, and I thought, you're not looking at my, anyway. Was he? He might have been. Oh, that's hilarious. That's a good visual.

You're familiar with the movie 9 to 5? Yes. Do you remember Dabney Coleman in 9 to 5? Yes. He was the boss right yeah tell me that's not bill o'reilly tell me that character tell me tell me he is not dabney coleman in nine to five nope oh he is what are you kidding me it's the best analogy ever i'm not saying a word all right oh boy see this see the juice okay she hasn't backed down from anything I've brought up until I brought up O'Reilly.

Sean Hannity. Love him. Nice guy. Sweetheart, right? Been on the show a few times. Yep. And he is, he's a good guy. He's a good guy.

I know he's, look, he's a serious conservative. I'm not quite that square. And people want to, but I like him. Me too. Nice family guy. He's very respectful to his guests. He doesn't dismiss you. He doesn't play with his mustache instead of Nice family guy. He's very respectful to his guests. He doesn't dismiss you. He doesn't play with his mustache instead of looking at you.

He's very... He can't grow a mustache. Probably not. He's a nice guy. And he's a smart guy. Let's talk about somebody who has a mustache at Fox. Greta Van Susteren. No.

And I like her too. Never met her though because she's based out of D.C., you know. Greta? Yeah. Yeah, well, that's fine with me. Smart girl. She's very smart and she's on the Sunday morning shows, I notice.

Is she? Out of all the Fox personalities, she's like a regular. She's on, yeah. I hadn't known. They throw her on, you know what, This Week with George Stubbinopoulos. Oh, they do?

A lot. Or is it Meet the Press? That's not. I think it's the one with George Stubbinopoulos. Huh. Greta. She seems smart. Seems like a nice lady.

Who the hell else did I want to ask you about over there? Bob Beckel, who I like. I have not met him. You haven't met Beckel? He's a little crazy. Yeah, he'll probably try to pull your shirt off. Yeah. Dana Perino. I like her. She's tiny. She's tiny. And she's like a Hannity. She's a real conservative, right?

She's like a real, almost like a prudish. Yeah. And she's like a Hannity. She's a real conservative, right? She's like a real, almost like a prudish. Yeah. Like she won't say sex on the air. She spells it out. That's right. Oh, I'd like to get her in bed and thank her until she cried. Nick. I'm kidding.

You know I'm kidding. I'm a CNN guy. I'm like the fuck Wolf Britza. But who else? Who else did I want to talk about over there Megan Do you know Megan Kelly I got to meet her once at The strategy room oh did you yeah it was like The day before shepping off on me oh

Wow and she seemed nice she's Doing pretty good huh really smart Doing great Yeah really like her And that other anchor woman over there Who I Rachel Maddow she's at Fox Right Nice And that other anchor woman over there, Rachel Maddow, she's at Fox, right?

Nice. You know who keeps calling me and I keep avoiding the plague? Nancy Grace. Yeah, she seems pleasant. She's, yeah. She's like a, I'm trying to think of a snake. She's like a cobra having her period. Can't think of anything. on a second i gotta grab

my date book i gotta see if i have any gigs coming hold on keep talking keep talking i know you have a gig wednesday that you uh plugged yeah i'm not gonna be there though i don't think i i wanted to go i did um but then what do you you're not doing anything Super Bowl weekend? You're not, no gigs? My book's upstairs. Huh? You don't have it memorized? No.

Christ. I, yeah, the Hammerstein on Wednesday night. And then next, like I said, next week, starting Thursday, Friday and Saturday at McGuby's Joke House in Timonium, Maryland, Timonium. It's a, I don't know how you say it. It's a good club, actually. Let me know the next time you're going to play someplace where there is a casino.

I'm itching. I'm not a, see, I'm not a. Not a casino guy? No, I like to bet, make football bets here and there, but I'm not a card guy. You're not a craps guy either? No. You know why?

It takes luck. Why would I ever do anything that takes luck? Craps? No. Craps is the easiest game, I think, to win at. Again. It's not skill, is it, though? It's not a skill you have.

I don't know. I never walk away from a craps table empty-handed. Who are you hanging out with? Huggy Bear? What? I didn't know what that meant. I guess that's about it i mean i could stay here all night and talk to a vivacious lawyer sleeping with a 27 year old comic who goes all night but

i gotta figure out who this is you know what my twitter people will they'll figure it out in a second oh you'll dissect it oh hell yeah. But I'm telling you, you've got to Google John Spilbor. S-P-I-L-B-O-R. Mm-hmm. Like I said, you'll see her all over Fox. And if you want to get divorced or if you feel like drinking and driving, which isn't that dangerous in my opinion. I do a whole bit on it.

It's not that dangerous. Don't do that. It's actually kind of fun. Don't do that. You can listen to me on WPDH on Thursday mornings, too. It's got a big scene. Are you there every Thursday? Every Thursday. I didn't know that. Yeah. Am I doing it this week? You're doing it the day after your big Wednesday night show. So what's the situation? But somebody from the show is going to be there, right? Somebody from the show is going to be there, but it's really going to be me and you because the

host of the show, the normal host, is on vacation. Boris is on vacation. Boris is on vacation. And Robin's not going to be there. Robin will be there, but she doesn't want to run the board, so she'll probably just join us. She'll like me. So they'll have an engineer running the board. Somebody will be running the board.

But it's not that it won't be you and I, because it's really Robin's show when Boris isn't there. So we're sitting on Robin's show, no? because it's really Robin's show when Boris isn't there. So we're sitting on Robin's show, no? Well, you know, but Robin's a good egg and she'll, yeah, she'll participate but she'll let us talk about whatever we want to talk about.

How much time are we doing? Three hours. You got to be there at seven. Show starts at six. I'm going easy on you. I know you are. Okay, I got to be there at seven and we're going seven to ten.

Seven to ten. All right. This Thursday. And people Yeah. Okay, I got to be there at 7. And we're going 7 to 10. 7 to 10. All right. This Thursday. And people, I think, can tune in too on iHeartRadio to get WP. They have a 50,000 watt signal. You can hear it fourth planet from the sun. Can you really? Yeah.

iHeartRadio, if you can't, WPDH. This Thursday, I'll be sitting there with a lovely Ajana Spilbor. And that's about it, kids. Yeah, I plug my gigs. This is fun. This is historic. It's scary. It's like a first date type of,

but... I'm your first guest. Yes. I think it went quite well. Next time, what we're gonna do, we're gonna have booze involved. That's why you brought the wine. I'll do that now. I'll have a car so I don't have to drive. Next time, what we're going to do, we're going to have booze involved. That's why you brought the wine.

I'll do that now. I'll have a car so I don't have to drive. You're not going anywhere. All right. Well, I'll drive. I can drive all the time. It's so fun. Don't tell me.

I'm serious, though. It is a blast. Stop it. Mothers Against Drunk Drives is just a bunch of chicken shits. You know what I mean? And there goes that sponsor. Oh, no. No.

No. Oh, Jesus. No. Oh, my no oh my god kidding this has been really great fun though this was fun and thank you for uh joining me and i think it proves i should have a guest or something other than this uh you know spilling my guts into the microphone people go yeah we know you hate your wife and uh she burnt the hot dogs what else you got uh all right kids that's it nick de palo uh until i talk to talk to you next time Go cut your mother's hair It's the wrong clip This is what I wanted to do

See you kids to do. See you, kids. guitar solo I'm out.