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you're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network,
Riotcast.com. ΒΆΒΆ All righty, enough of that.
That's right, the Olympics are here.
I'm sure you're thrilled.
But let's be honest, kind of good timing.
Because once football ends, and I'm assuming most of you people listening to this broadcast,
by the way, it's a Nick DiPaolo podcast, I'm sure you're, you know, football fans.
And you start jonesing like I do, you're like, oh, Jesus.
I'm going to watch college hoops.
North Carolina State at Iona.
Ooh, let me call my bookie.
Again, until March Madness comes. Let's be honest, who cares? That's how Iona. Ooh, let me call my bookie. Again, until March Madness comes.
Let's be honest.
Who cares?
That's how I feel.
But, yeah, so there's a little void in the action.
And I've got to be honest, the Olympics, which I'm not huge on,
I was happy to see this year.
After that dud of a Super Bowl, it's kind of cool to have something to bridge us between now and spring training,
which is right around the corner.
Where's the time going, folks?
Be dead soon.
That's how I feel.
Not to be overly negative, but mother of Christ.
So, yeah, the Olympics and um you know set in sochi
that town does not look i don't know who chose that uh well you know what let's let's hold off
the olympic dog we'll get to that and uh in a few minutes but uh might as well tell you about my weekend. The typical weekend of a comic.
Played a Magoobies joke house.
And again, why they don't.
It's an A room.
It's nice.
This guy did a hell of a job.
Last time I was there, it was under construction.
He was redoing all kinds of stuff.
You know, the kitchen and the green room and all that stuff.
And it was sawdust everywhere.
And I got to, like, put my fist through a wall he gave me permission to kick a hole in it and
um you know because it was a shithole and he did a great job place looks awesome beautiful lights
great sound uh saturday night two sold out shows and damn close on friday night and uh it's becoming one of my favorite uh haunts
uh the owner andrew is a uh kick-ass dude originally from brooklyn and uh yeah i love him
little he's obsessive you start a conversation with him he reminds me of me he can't get off it
he's a little compulsive he's uh obsessive but uh he did a
great job went down there with a uh comic uh megan hanley who i think she emceed or featured for me a
couple times at caroline's and did a great job so i'm like you know what gotta get these young
comics out on the road and uh yeah picked her up in the city but uh that was on what thursday and i was supposed to
get on originally on uh wednesday they wanted me there wednesday for thursday morning radio that's
what clubs usually do and lucky for me and we hate you know us comedians we hate morning radio
come on we get up at fucking 11 to noon unless you're my age and you have
insomnia that i'm up at eight but uh we hate getting up if we have to on the road and luckily
for me i was shooting an episode of louis on wednesday and uh so i get up and i'm like all
right i gotta get into the city and if you remember we get nailed with that storm so i'm again i'm in
northern westchester living on a dirt road that's hard to get down here in August.
So I look out and it's like eight o'clock.
It's still coming down.
My driveway has not been plowed.
I have a team of Ecuadorians that show up
and they plow the neighborhood.
Luckily, my wife takes care of all the paperwork
and you know what I mean?
So I can't get out of my
driveway uh i i i usually take about an hour to get into the city from my house to the um to the
village in new york city which is down a little downtown it's about an hour so i i had to be there
at 11 that was my call time so i said fuck it i'll leave at nine i'll get myself two hours
i uh go in my garage and by the way my garage door is up for some reason when i get up
in the morning for no reason i closed it the night before this is creepy i figured it out since i
thought you know the ghost of christmas past i don't know what was fucking with it but uh turns
out i think there's some ice in front of the sensors and uh when it looks like it's shut all
the way it's not and then something triggers and it goes up in the middle of the night so you know i'm like beautiful i'll go out my uh
go out my uh get my car which is in a garage so it's nice and warm normally so it's like 11 degrees
in the car it's just a shitty i back out of the driveway i go about three feet and uh
i just get my car just starts spinning and I have four-wheel drive.
Obviously, I have the proper car to live in the savage woods,
and I just can't go anywhere.
I'm spinning, so I have to pull back to the garage
and get on the horn with the Ecuadorians.
And sure enough, man, they show up in about 45 minutes to an hour,
but now I'm going to be late for my call time.
So I let them know, like a true professional that I am.
And they're like, don't worry about it.
There can be a few people are going to be late.
Blah, blah, blah.
Just, you know, it's just another morning in the northeast in fucking February.
And, you know, when you're a kid, you love the snow days and all that.
But I've had it.
If I could move to Florida, I would.
So the Ecuadorians show up.
They plow me out.
Takes about a half hour.
Call ahead of time.
Finally get on the road.
Going down the sawmill all of a sudden.
Of course, I put on the radio.
They're like, there's a car upside down on the sawmill parkway a sudden of course i put on the radio they're like there's a car upside down
on the sawmill parkway somewhere in yonkers so i sure enough i start to pull i see about 15 cars
in line it doesn't look that bad you know i mean there's a cop couple cop cars there and there's
about 15 cars waiting to get by they have one of those big blinking yellow lights but it's not
moving i pull up uh and and i waited about four minutes and uh and i'm like
what's going on it didn't look like anything made i mean the car was upside down but it wasn't in
the middle of the road was off to the right and i'm like you know after five minutes i'm like
fuck this i uh back up a little bit guy behind me let me back up and i you know took an exit
somehow circumvented the whole mess and uh
got to the comedy cellar that's where we were shooting upstairs olive tree cafe um
which is great I just love shooting you know come on Louie's a buddy of mine and and uh
everybody on the staff I've done enough shows it's a great atmosphere to work in so i get there and um you know by the time i parked my car
louie's not even there yet which is beautiful so um you know you got to do what you got to do
but it would have been a lot easier if i was living in the city like i should be for somebody
in show business i could have just jumped in a cab or a subway or walked over to the comedy cell but uh you know
I'm I'm trying to have I'm having the best of both worlds you know I'm like one of these
feminist chicks that wants it all I want a family I want kids I want a career so uh yeah so those are the hazards of living out here but that was great i
had a couple scenes i had uh i was in a couple episodes actually uh me and louie sitting at the
bar i'm giving him him a relationship advice very funny scene that he wrote while we're watching
the tv or pretending to watch the tv what they folks, you ever see a scene on a television show,
a couple of characters at a bar, and they're looking up at the TV?
There's a TV up that wasn't even on, though.
Then they put it in in post.
They drop that in.
A little tip for you.
So it was me giving Louis advice.
Of course, he wrote it in my voice, so it's a little misogynistic, I guess.
That's where the human came in.
I don't think like that in real life.
It's just a character I play on TV, okay?
So don't get upset.
So that was cool.
Louie had to go to a doctor's appointment or something,
and we banged right through it.
We ad-libbed.
I added a few lines myself.
I would never do that unless I'm working with somebody that I know, obviously,
because directors and writers can get pretty testy.
I remember I was doing Suddenly Susan, not to brag, in the early 50s,
and it was me and Joey Hetherton in the scene.
No, and, you know, Brooke Shields' show.
And I remember changing a lot.
They asked me.
They said, you're a comic.
They wanted a line, something about white trash. What you find in uh some guy who's white trash what you find
in his front yard and i said an engine block and a canoe or something and everybody cracked up on
the set that's beautiful somebody pretended to write it down and then on friday when the final
script came out it was nowhere to be seen and then somebody took me inside and said yeah the writers get pretty touchy when somebody comes up with something
but uh not so with Louis because he's a comedian he gets it and I winged some line in there it
wasn't even that funny it just sort of furthered the scene or whatever but he's like that was great
let's leave that in there and but we banged it out real quick i don't know how this guy does it you know then he has to run uptown to an appointment or something and um this is the
beauty of showbiz folks so we have a two-hour lunch break if you want to call that work
till louis gets back um i went over to artichoke pizza on mcdougall street right down you know a
couple doors down from the comedy cell i kept hearing about it on tv ever see that show uh pizza cuz it's like two italian guys from staten island
they run it and i always you know i see these guys on tv the pizza looks tremendous went over
got a couple slices man was it good 425 a slice jesus h it's a little ridiculous no i know it's a little ridiculous, no, I know it's 2014, but 425 a slice, mama,
got the margarite, it was delicious, didn't get the actual artichoke slice, that's what they're
known for, anyways, and you don't want to do that, by the way, if you're, a little tip for you actors
and actresses, if you want to look thin on TV, you don't eat lunch in between scenes or whatever,
episodes, because your face holds that
salt liquid and it makes you look like, you know, the pig that you are. So, but I didn't care. I'm
past that. I'm married. Where am I going? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing over here?
So, went back to the Comedy Cellar and sat around bullshitted, you know,
played with the iPad, got on Twitter.
Louis comes back in.
And then we did a scene at the Comedy Cellar table with a comedian sitting around, Mark Maron.
It was about him.
Him and Louis were like good friends.
And I guess they had a strained relationship after they both became successful.
I don't know what to believe, but it was a very funny scene.
Maron was great.
Good to see him.
Hadn't seen him in a while.
Looks good.
Success agrees with marin he came in and his uh girlfriend was uh he was with he goes this is my girlfriend moon and i'm
like hi how are you and i walk away thinking jesus the only other moon i've heard is moon unit of you
know zappa frank zappa's daughter and uh it's funny i'm like she's got the same name i didn't
know the two girls and then later on i found that it is zappa's daughter and it made sense because i'm looking at marin he has
the exact mustache and goatee is frank zappa hat and i'm like does does this woman know she's like
does marin know that she's attracted to this she's attracted to him because she uh he has the same
mustache as her old man kind of creepy i said that to mary and uh
he looked at me kind of weird but uh yeah she was very nice and uh mary was very funny that
scene was very funny i had to sit there and uh i know you guys like this inside show business
pretend i was eating a you know a falafel plate or whatever and I just had a couple of straight
lines that I threw in there and um it's so tedious man you do the you do these scenes like
50 times from different angles and shit although Louie works very fast you know relatively speaking
and um you just a little scene like that would, you know, it will take a few hours,
and then it makes you ask yourself, how do they, how do they make an epic, like, Braveheart,
I mean, how the hell does that even get done, or Titanic, or whatever, it's like, Jesus Christ,
you have 650,000 extras out on a field, and in wardrobe, and I don't know how the stuff that big gets made it's fascinating fascinating stuff um
but it's so fun watching louis i don't know if i mentioned some previous shows
watching ck do his stuff man not only is he acting you know he writes all this stuff
he directs he's telling the guy he's directing as we're doing it he makes it look so easy i want to
punch him in his stomach you know then he edits the shit on his computer while he's like having lunch at starbucks
uh it's not fair you know i mean and i'm uh i'm retarded but uh he makes it look friggin easy
it's so fun to watch this guy and he's great you know he's not a uh diva by any you know we have a
blast sitting at that table joking joking around in between scenes.
And then he's all business when you're supposed to be.
Pretty frigging cool.
By the way, I've worked with him before.
Louie and I came down, you know, in the late 80s, around 1990, 89, 90.
And he shot a film called Tomorrow Night.
I think that was his first feature, which you can buy on his website now.
He didn't tell me to plug this.
I'm just doing it, but I'm in it.
I have a very funny scene playing a dumb mook
with a wife beater on, obviously, but go get it.
It is as funny a movie as you'll ever see.
There's two old people in it.
I think they're both dead now.
They were like in their 80s,
and he's got a guy going, I got diarrhea,
and his wife's like i
don't like diarrhea it's the fucking weirdest movie you'll ever see tomorrow night it's my
wife's favorite comedy and she knows stuff i mean come on she's a big billy crystal fan just kidding
we'll get to billy in a few minutes he was on the last episode of the tonight show with Jay Leno and we'll talk about that but before I do that I guess I should uh you know do my plugs before I forget uh
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slash nick my wife would like to slash nick so i heard uh yeah so uh what was i talking about
oh louis yeah so we did that on wednesday and then magobies which was great. Down in Timonium, Maryland, about seven miles outside of Baltimore.
And yeah, sold out on Saturday night, both and damn close on Friday.
Made some bonus money.
Thank you, people out there for coming out in the dead of winter.
And they were great.
It's funny.
The Friday show, The two Friday shows.
Thursday night's always, you know, tough.
I don't know why.
Especially at this club.
But it is.
But that's when I have the most fun.
You know?
When I'm getting some resistance.
Friday night was killer.
Megan did a great job.
And just killer.
I mean, both shows.
They were easy.
Then Saturday night.
The bigger shows. Over 350. Almost 400 on the second one Saturday night,
and over 350 on the first.
And they were good, too.
But they were a little PC.
I don't think they knew.
Not everybody there knew who I was.
You'd think after 26 years of being an asshole in public, they'd take note.
But I had to work harder, man.
You get spoiled, you know?
You're like, well, Friday night, that was tit.
So Saturday night's usually the easier of the two nights.
And it was a little tougher.
They were a little PC.
A lot of people my age, which is usually good for me.
Some lady in her 60s with a tiara on her head
celebrating a birthday
i don't know when uh comedy clubs have become like chucky cheese for fucking adults
i wouldn't go to a comedy club if it was my birthday and i was a bunch of friends i want
to go someplace where i can chat and get loud and whatever but they were well behaved for the
most part and uh except for the first night, Thursday night, some guys yelling something from the balcony, actually yelling thing when Megan was on.
And then when I was on, but I just I didn't even really have to reprimand them.
They took them out.
I guess he made more noise during the emcee when the emcee was up there.
So then I go on stage and I hear yelling coming from behind the stage.
So I thought it was so I thought it was like
I thought it was like people working there who were just talking really loud
and um and I said quiet and and and people will laugh in the audience because we could hear noise
going on behind the stage so I go I'll be right back I put the mic down I go exit left off the
stage I go out into the lobby and uh and I'm like is who's making all the freaking noise and they
said we had to throw a guy out the guy that was talking during the mcs and they said he wasn't
even drunk they said he was drunk and crazy he said he had lost his cat and he thought the cat
had come into the club and he said listen to this and he said he was like a talent scout
so i got his card and i'll be working with him. Sorry, Tony Burton at Buckwell.
No, yeah, so he's like, he was combination mentally ill and shit face.
This is who comes out at the comedy clubs, at least when I'm playing.
And yeah, so they took him away.
And that was it, though, for the rest of the weekend.
No, no gray crowds.
One guy came back from the bathroom late.
He was crazy looking.
He had one of those long gray beards uh you know just the chin strap part and i said to him before he sat down i guarantee there's
a drone circling your house right now and then i thought that was pretty funny so did the audience
i thought i'd share that moment with you i have no fucking idea why so uh mcgobies yeah uh the hotel was uh sheridan ever see the commercial
when they go uh these people aren't trying anymore that's how i felt no offense to the
sheridan but uh it was like 110 in my room i like it like i like it like 64 degrees so i can see my
breath and for some reason i was cranking the air conditioner, but it was blowing warm and it was dehydrating me. You know, I, I, I had like cotton mouth and my nose had more crust in
it than a dumpster behind dominoes. And I couldn't shit the whole time. I was like, just dehydrate.
It's like sleeping in a meat dehydrator. And, um, so I finally called front desk after the second
day. I just try to be nice. I don't want to be a pain in the ass.
And a guy comes up.
He's got like tattoos all over his neck and stuff.
And I'm like, uh-oh.
What do we got here?
Guy was unbelievable.
He had a trainee with him.
And he took the shit apart right in front of me.
And I sat there and learned that one of the, you got two valves.
You got a coal valve and a hot valve.
And the hot one was stuck open.
Even when I put the air conditioner on, it was still blowing hot.
He sprayed that with DW40, and I'm like, yeah, I like it about 68 degrees.
And, of course, his trainee's like, yeah, I like it 69.
Making inappropriate shit.
But he fixed it.
And what else is wrong?
On the TV, the kept kept cutting in and out
you know it's like satellite i don't know i don't know it was a satellite dish obviously on the room
but it was cutting in and out you know so i called down there after a night of trying to be not you
know trying to be patient and and said what the fuck is this a a Sheridan or what? And they go, oh, we'll give you a free breakfast.
And I go, that's super.
I appreciate that, but I'm a preferred guest,
and I have access to a free breakfast every morning here.
That's what you told me.
And then she goes, okay, we'll give you a free drink.
And now I'm like, wait a minute.
That's how bored I am.
Wait a minute.
I go, the breakfast, when you order it on the menu,
it comes to like $38 for two eggs and toast.
Now you're going to give me
a $13 vodka and tonic?
Come on, lady.
But I said,
don't worry about it.
Then I ordered
a Cobb salad and a soup.
They go,
it'll be a half hour or less.
It's an hour and two minutes later.
I see nothing.
I called down.
I can hear,
I can hear a hockey game
in the
background guy didn't pick up the phone for like 20 20 22 rings i get a hockey game going on he's
obviously annoyed and uh he goes no i put the order and i guess the girl forgot whatever the
fuck so they go you still want it i go yeah for free and they're like oh of course we're not
gonna charge you so they did the right thing.
I'm just saying.
It's a Sheridan, and I'm a strong middle.
Yeah, I was trying to watch, I was trying to watch, you know what?
Oh, by the way, one other thing I wanted to mention as far as when I do gigs.
I don't know, all of a sudden now it's like an obligation or a duty for the
comic to go outside after the show and shake everybody's hands like he's running for governor.
That was never in the job description of being a comedian. And I'm not comfortable with it,
just because I don't like small talk and I don't like drunk people after the show come up to you.
And, you know, I have kind of an opinionated act.
And I have to, you know, sit there while the husband's like,
you're the funniest guy I've ever seen.
And his wife is like, I thought you were a fucking asshole.
So I kind of, I like to stay in the green room.
I came out on Thursday night and took a few and fried.
I'll take a few, but I'm not going to, you know,
I'm not going to be out there for an hour.
I'm sorry, man. It's not my job description. That's called a meet and greet. And entertainers
used to get paid extra for that. Now they want you to, they want us to, they want us to market
their clubs on our Twitter accounts and Facebook. And now they want us to fucking shake hands with so people will come back. Ain't my job, son.
Anyways.
So, yeah.
Let's go back to the Olympics.
Yeah, have you been watching?
Pretty cool.
Like I said, I'm into the winter.
I don't care about summer Olympics, you know.
Not that much.
I like the boxing, but winter I love.
Downhill skiing is going to be the coolest coolest sport if i could come back again um these guys and women they're fearless they are freaking
fearless you watch this shit they're doing 80 to 85 miles an hour on two boards two inches wide crazy shit love it i mean on like an icy mountain and do you see how steep
you don't get the uh the camera doesn't do justice how steep the course is they showed it they say
it's like three as tall as like three empire state buildings you know the length of the whole track
it's like two and a half miles or whatever but they do go down in it in two minutes it's crazy and bode miller of course the american who dominated in in the qualifying and in the you know
the runs they do before the actual he won twice and they're like he's gonna be the guy to beat
he was favored going into this thing he shits the bed he comes in eighth Comes in eighth. And that's what happens.
I'm like, if he won twice during, like, the qualifying,
that means he's due to fuck up, and he did.
And, like, the first five or six guys that went before him,
each guy bested the guy before him's time.
So you think, oh, Bodie's going to definitely.
And nope, didn't happen for him.
Kind of feel bad, you know, they interviewed him after. I don't know. He's talking about not enough light. I don't know what the hell he was talking about. Made no sense. But it's just amazing. The balls on these athletes. That looks like the funnest. Because I mean, if you wipe out, you're like one second from disaster. I don't care what you're on, a bite you're doing, 75, 80.
Yeah, so he blew it.
But I do like the Winter Olympics the best.
And come on, 1980, I was 18.
You know, when this happened, we all remember.
Schneider, buzz, long slap shot, saved by Mushkin.
The U.S. team is depending a little bit too much now on Jim Craig.
He's making too many good saves.
LaRozione scores!
Mike LaRozione!
Oh, yeah.
That's the greatest Olympic moment ever.
Well, they won it the following game.
They won the actual goal.
But do you remember where you were?
If you were alive, I know a lot of your fans are a lot younger than me,
but I was at my buddy Putt Emerson's house, Nathan Emerson.
He lived in a historic house in Danvers, Massachusetts.
His great-great-great-uncle was in the Revolutionary War or something.
But he owned that house. And his parents are real cool they were like hip you know i mean they let us have
a party like a super bowl party every year with like the pen with multiple kegs and you know kids
smoking weed his parents were like the coolest cats you know and we were i was there and i you
know we will gather on the tv and uh i think it had already
happened we didn't know the results and they they replay the game and probably had 18 beers in us
all of us and um that was just awesome trying to get laid not getting laid we beat russia
remember the next morning i was so fucked up they came upstairs and they pulled me
out of the bed and i was still out i was came upstairs and they pulled me out of the bed and
i was still out i was like unconscious and they put me in a blanket and they slid me down the stairs
and uh brought me outside and um they took a picture of me laying in front of a bunch of
kegs empty kegs i was awake by the time i get to the kegs but they but his parents ran on it i mean they were the coolest people man
and uh yeah that was 1980 that's when i graduated high school when i rose in the uh
a bunch of kids a bunch of college kids from america took down the red team the red soviets
who were the best team still the greatest feat in sports in my opinion i mean this soviet team
and you guys all
know you've probably seen the movie miracle had beaten a bunch of nhl teams and beat them bad
and uh they actually scrimmaged the u.s olympic team like the uh eight months earlier and beat
them like 11 to nothing and they pulled it off it's still to this day man do you believe in
miracles holy shit and the other my other favorite Olympic moment,
I liked it even more than Michael Ruziano.
I was in love with Dorothy Hamill in 1976.
I was 14.
She was from Connecticut.
And she had captured everybody's imagination,
especially all the young.
I just saw a clip of her on YouTube
where the guy said, yeah, all the young boys in America were clip over on youtube uh where the guy said yeah
all the young boys in america were in love i was one of them i was crazy about this dorothy hamill
with her pixie haircut and um i remember skipping baseball practice how about this and baseball was
my at that time was my favorite sport i remember playing hooky pretending
i was sick so i could stay home and watch dorothy hamill on wide world of sports i was in love with
her ass who wasn't and she had this cute little face this girl next door look she's still beautiful
today people find this funny my wife finds it hilarious but i was obsessed with her if i could have
stalked her i didn't have my license yet i would have she ended up marrying like dean martin's kid
who got killed later on right um but google her dorothy hamill and every girl uh my age
at that time was wearing that haircut. Some fellas, too.
You know, the ones who were getting bullied in school.
But I was crazy about her, even though I'm infatuated.
But you don't see much of her.
But she pulled it off.
Before she would start to skate in one of her events, they were booing.
They were booing a German skater. I guess the German skater did a great job before her,
and the judges gave her low marks,
so the whole place was booing and whistling,
which is booing in Europe.
And I guess Dorothy Hamill thought she was getting booed.
She was bawling her eyes.
How can you be that sensitive and still be that good an athlete?
But she ended up bringing home the goal.
I actually had a TV guide.
There was a picture of her on TV guide.
Oh, my God.
Did I get mileage out of that, if you know what I'm saying?
Mink you.
Yeah, I had that TV guide for about three years.
Tremendous.
It was stuck to my pant leg.
I, oof well she's smoking and a like like i said and a girl
next door said away she had freckles and anyways not to sound like a creep and a psycho um so uh
yeah you're in sochi and uh it's been the laughing stock huh because of the hotels you see the piss
water coming out and uh toilets next to each other with no dividers.
And it says, don't put toilet paper down the toilet.
What do you do with it?
Stick it on the wall?
Make a collage?
What a Russia, man.
And this is a threat?
I don't know.
And the whole gay thing, they have only, you know, Putin's like, yeah, it's all right, but don't bother the kids.
Imagine if a politician said that over here, they'd light him on fire.
He'd be kicked off his radio show.
So it's interesting.
You got the Olympics going on with the background backdrop of terrorism.
Did you see the biathlete?
Those are the guys that do the, I think it's a biathlon, where they do cross-country skiing and they hand them a rifle and they shoot at a target.
One guy missed the target like eight out of nine times, but he killed two Chechnyan rebels.
Yeah, he's going to get a gold.
So it's crazy, isn't it?
I mean, Putin was just cleaning house over there saying anybody, anybody who even looked like a terrorist, he'd take out and shoot.
That's what goes on over there.
And, you know, of course, the press doesn't pick up on it,
the Russian press.
But, I don't know, terrorism in the Olympics.
You've got to admit, if you could spice up the figure skating
with a couple of strategically placed IEDs on the ice.
Just kidding, folks.
Relax.
Somebody goes into a double salt cow,
ends up losing a right foot,
but finishing the competition.
So it's kind of creepy.
And in the back of everybody's mind,
you're kind of like, oh,
we don't want anything to happen,
but Jesus, it would be unbelievable, wouldn't it?
It would be like, you know,
Munich in the early 70s 72 was it that was horrible when
all the hostages died so it's kind of creepy but putin's got that ring of steel and he doesn't play
something tells me he ain't playing but uh he's been dealing with the chetchnins and terrorism
those russians have been fighting those guys forever so uh that makes it kind of interesting,
but it doesn't look like a good place.
I don't know why they chose it between the shit water coming out of the
faucets and,
uh,
you know,
let me do,
uh,
let me,
uh,
do another promo real quick,
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an exceptional website. Do it, folks. So, yeah. Olympics. I'm dying for the hockey,
Yeah.
Olympics.
I'm dying for the hockey, which is always great.
And the luge.
If you remember last winter, remember the tragedy like the first day of the luge?
Do you remember a guy get killed?
Went off the track and like hit a metal beam?
That was horrendous.
But that's fun to watch. That's another one.
You're within seconds of dying if you make a mistake.
You're on a sled that's doing almost 90 miles an hour.
And you're like six inches off the surface of the ice.
Are you kidding me?
And now they go down face first if that wasn't enough.
Mother of God.
Yeah.
Luge hockey and snowboarding, which I've become a fan of.
I watched the women the other night.
Jamie Anderson.
She's like a hippie from Utah.
Cute as hell, too.
She won a gold.
She was expected to win gold, sort of like Bodie Miller.
She came through, man.
Everybody, like, she's the most consistent.
They said she's the best.
She's expected it.
And that's amazing.
When you follow through with those expectations, she nailed it. for her good looking chick too uh i really get depressed i'm
52 and i'm watching these they're doing like 720 you know 720s and 360s in the air on a snowboard
and and and it's like i'd break my hips but uh one chick wiped out last night and bashed her head.
You could hear it.
It was sounding like an NFL hit.
And her helmet cracked.
I wonder how she's doing.
But, yeah.
So, oh, the other thing.
The opening ceremonies.
Did you see?
They were amazing opening ceremonies,
but the climax was supposed to be like these five snowflakes
that turn into the Olympic rings and link with each other,
but one of the snowflakes like didn't open.
Imagine if you're responsible for that and you know Putin's watching,
you know that guy's being buried behind a tree today.
Whoever was responsible for that. But you know whatin's watching you know that guy's being buried behind a tree today whoever responsible for that but you know what they did in russia i guess we saw it on the on the international feed but on the local russian feed or i might have this wrong it might be vice
versa they they put in the rehearsal where it actually worked where the fifth snowflake opened up so they put that in it's amazing over there what goes on under putin
so um i wonder how he feels about johnny ware who's you know like a really flamboyant gay skater
i don't even know i know he was trying to compete for these olympia i don't know if he got in or not
but he was doing some commentary the other night he had lipstick on and like his hair up in a bun oh just rubbing it in putin's face and uh good for him who cares speaking of that you get this
kid now did i write it down kid coming out of uh he's going to be drafted in the nfl this year michael sam defensive player of the
year in the sec which means he's one tough nut for missouri his name's michael sam he's gonna
he's openly gay he's gonna be the first like openly gay guy to get drafted in the nfl
and um you know it wasn't a problem at Missouri because of the critics.
There are a few critics.
Of course, they say this stuff anonymously.
They're like, well, I could divide the locker room and blah, blah, blah, you know,
and that's kind of something validity to that because the NFL,
you're not going to find a more macho, homophobic place than an NFL locker room,
but you've got to remember that these players that make up college football and the NFL
are between like 19 and 30 years old or early.
You know what I mean?
So they've grown up in the age of more tolerance when it comes to this stuff.
But you still, you know, it's still testosterone filled NFL locker room.
So they're going to be some dudes.
I don't know but they say
it could actually hurt him in the draft because general managers are afraid it'll be a distraction
to the team so he might go lower which is kind of I that's some people's theories I don't think so
I mean give me a break he was the defensive player of the year in the SEC
and the east part of the SEC,
which isn't as tough as the west
with Alabama and Auburn, I guess.
But, I mean, defensive player of the year?
I mean, it's about making money, isn't it?
The bottom line, I mean,
what Jackie Robinson went through, blah, blah, blah.
Eventually people evolve,
and especially in pro sports,
it's all about the bottom line.
And if you can get the best defensive player in the draft,
who gives a shit?
Again, there's going to be some homophobes in the shower
who aren't going to be comfortable.
I played with a guy up at Maine back in the 80s.
He was from, I think, Queens or Brooklyn.
He was like second string when I was up there my senior year,
but he started, I think, the year after I left.
And he was a funny son of a gun.
He showed up.
He had a high voice like this.
And he had like 40-inch thighs like Earl Campbell.
And our first meeting, a team meeting, he showed up in his bathrobe and slippers.
And my coach went fucking nuts.
My coach was like an old school, you know, Marine and went crazy on him.
Anyways, he was a running back and i think like i said he started
after i left and then years later a couple years ago somebody sent me a clip of him and he's like
he was he's openly gay now he was a they sent the clip of him like uh dancing he's a choreographer
and it just shocked the hell out of me. I would
never have guessed, you know.
And he was
one of the more popular guys. He was one of the
funniest, funniest friggin' guys
and just
he was dumbfounded when the coach
was pissed at him for showing up in a pink robe.
He's like, I'm sorry, man. I didn't know.
And he almost
died, by the way. He was getting recruited by other schools. One'm sorry, man. I didn't know. And he almost died by the way. He was
getting recruited by other schools. One of the planes crashed. I don't think it was the one that
went up to Maine. He was getting recruited by another college, a plane crash, like a small
plane. He was like the only survivor. Which to this day, I don't know, that frigging unbelievable.
But yeah, saw him on the internet and, like, flamboyantly gave it
and never would have guessed it.
My point is it doesn't goddamn matter, all right?
What the hell else?
What else did I do?
Oh, Jay Leno's final appearance.
Like I said, I was at the Sheraton outside of Baltimore on Timonium
when Jay did his final show. Jimmy Fallon's about to who I... parents like i said i was at the uh sheridan and outside of baltimore on timonium uh when jay did
his final show jimmy fallon's about to who i let me tell you about jay everybody uh it's weird
there's a lot of my comic friends it's uh you know there's a big controversy let him in leno
i love them both all right i started watching uh letterman in like 83 or 82 when he was on
nbc in the mornings at like 11 o'clock. I was a
freshman in college. I skipped sociology every day to watch Letterman. I just went to the test.
By the way, I get an A in that class. Professor Dick Fenn, I still remember his name. But I was,
you know, and I still love Letterman when he went to late night on NBC. But I like Jay too. Jay was
an influence of mine.
People like what?
Cause most young kids today that follow my,
follow my career,
I'll follow comics.
Just know Jay from the tonight show.
And he does this middle of the road act because it's,
you know,
trying to appeal to middle America and pop,
pop,
pop.
But you know what?
He always did.
He was not afraid to go after people.
He did racial cracks in his monologues and christ he
does 10 minutes and um i know you know it's very middle america very vanilla a lot of it we
understand that he's giving them what they want but before he was the host of tonight show man
i saw him at nick's comedy club in boston okay first i saw him on the murray of griffinshaw i
was like 12 years old and i'm like hey this hey, this guy sounds like me. He grew up in Andover, Mass, where my sister lives now.
I grew up 10, 15 minutes from there.
And I was fascinated with him, you know.
And I remember him doing his first Tonight Show.
I remember all that.
So he was sort of an influence of mine.
And he was a great stand-up.
You can ask anybody of his era.
He was as good as anybody.
And, you know, we still argue to this day uh
lederman wasn't much of a stand-up but he admits that but you know let him was a better interviewer
i think whatever and and i like his cranky style back in the day now he's just a starting to be a
bit of a liberal jerk off but i still watch him he's an icon. But so Jay. Yeah. So Jay, if you want to see him, I think at his funniest, like Google him. Jay Leno on Letterman in the 80s. He let him would have him on Christ five times a month. He would sometimes drive his motorcycle into the studio. He'd always be eating like a hoagie right during the interview. And just he would sit down instead of doing stand up. Let him would set him up and let him go for, you know, like three segments.
And it was some of the funniest shit.
It still holds up.
And I saw him at Nick's Comedy Club, like I said, in Boston in the 80s.
He did two hours and 20 minutes.
And it went by, I swear to God, like it was a half hour.
It was crazy.
And just killing.
I mean, he made it look so easy and um he figured out look man i
mean to be number one in the ratings for like 22 years i uh that's an amazing feat regardless of
what you think of them and uh and i like fallon too and uh a lot of my comic friends were like
divided or pissed when conan we had that thing with Conan.
And for some reason, everybody, you know, pointing the finger at Jay like he was a creep.
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
First of all, why was he taken off the air in the first place?
He was number one.
Why would you give him the boot?
Well, he's number one on the ratings, you know?
So what's he supposed to do?
You know what I mean?
So he played his cards right.
The guy must be savvy as hell or his management is. I mean, he took Johnny Carson's seat from him.
So, but this is, you know, it's survival of the fittest. Why would you hold that against them?
They shouldn't have fired him in the first place. And I like Conan too. That's nothing against Conan, but everybody made Jay out to be like some type of bully,
but maybe, you know, I don't know.
And Kimmel, who I love, you know,
was kind of pissed at Jay at that point, but whatever.
I didn't get that.
You know, you do what you do to survive.
And anyways, so I was trying to watch that at the hotel and uh you know it kept cutting out
but uh yeah i had billy crystal on but um 22 years man and uh it was uh billy crystal i didn't get
that was his first guest since we had him on so i I'm not a huge Crystal fan. But it was pretty heartfelt, you know?
He lost his dad, I guess, the first year he had The Tonight Show,
then his mother on the second year,
and then his brother later on died.
But I think Jimmy Fallon's going to be great.
It's so funny.
They should bring back this song
when they renew The Tonight Show in New York.
You know?
Too bad you can get the rights to that.
You know, they should try to get that cleared.
I know it was Johnny's,
but it's back in New York where it started.
You know?
Which is pretty exciting. It's good news for young comics in New York where it started, you know, which is pretty exciting.
It's good news for young comics in New York, too.
So, and Jimmy's going to be great.
I remember when I first heard Jimmy got late night,
I'm like, what?
And then I heard he's getting, you know,
even at late night, I'm like,
I don't see him as a talk show host.
This is where Lorne Michaels has got a little bit of genius triggering
him but i but i also didn't know how talented fallon was with his impressions and musically
he seems like he can do anything he has these you know springsteen on and neil young and
and it's just incredible so uh and he's a sweet he really is a sweet guy fallon and um you know i i
think it's going to be a good fit, but Jesus, good luck doing those
numbers and keeping them up, you know, but he's got good writers, I like his monologues, I like
Fallon's, it's always smart stuff, and, you know, he does, he's like Kimmel, he's all over the
internet, and there's how to use, you know, social media to promote this stuff, and he's, you know,
he's hip, he's the right age, and he's really multi-tal And he's, you know, he's hip.
He's the right age.
And he's really multi-talented, man.
But when I first heard it, I go, he's going to suck.
He's the guy that used to giggle through all the sketches at SNL.
And he just, and then he comes out and he's got,
he stands like a young car.
You can see he's influenced by Johnny,
the way he stands when he's delivering his monologue,
like his posture and stuff and his delivery.
The way he stands when he's delivering his monologue, like his posture and stuff and his delivery.
But I think he's going to be great just because he can do anything.
Crazy talented kid, you know?
And it just gets so depressing.
I remember when Jay took over.
The night he took over, I was working the Comedy Corner in West Palm palm beaches and and during the day i was driving around with my cop friend we were looking at like the kennedy compound
somewhere in florida and we were talking about jay take it over we watched him that night and then
here i am this weekend doing the same shit in uh outside of baltimore at basically the same type
of club and jay had already put in 22 years on The Tonight Show.
Am I even in the same business?
And Jay put me on The Tonight Show twice, you know?
Not the best sets.
I don't remember.
They were all right, but it was still a thrill.
I remember telling a comedian friend of mine who was older than me,
he did The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
And I said, yeah, I just got The Tonight Show.
This kid, Randy Credigo, who's like a radical left wing, but he's a funny son of a bitch.
He goes, yeah, that's all right.
He goes, but you're doing The Tonight Show with, you know, Jay Leno.
He goes, I did it with Carson.
He goes, you're doing it with Leno.
It's like fucking Mae West when she's 70.
Which I didn't agree with.
But it's still a thrill. And I'll never forget what happened on my first spot during rehearsals they're like okay you know you get there a couple
hours earlier and they take out on the stand they go his uh the kid took me out and he goes see the
monitor at the foot of the stage you'll be just line yourself up with that this is what he tells me okay
so you know here i am sweating my balls off waiting for jay to introduce me
and i come out the curtain opens my first tonight show your heart's racing and i go to look for that
monitor and there's nothing there it was like a portable monitor on where that they rolled away
so now you can see me like looking down, looking for a spot.
So I don't even think I stood right where I was supposed to.
You know, they still found me obviously on the camera, but I almost shit my pants.
I'm looking for that thing.
You just line yourself up with that and it's gone.
And I'm like, did he do that on purpose?
I'm so paranoid.
I'm like, maybe this guy didn't like me.
You know, and he had me back for a second appearance and so you know I didn't I guess I did all right you know but he's a nice guy he comes in Jay came into the you know comes into
the dressing room I remember I'm putting my suit on I'm putting my pants on I'm literally like
in my underwear I'm literally I have my pants like up to my thighs he opens the door he goes what are
you doing you already got the show and i was so nervous i didn't even get the joke you know he
looked at me like i was retarded yeah how you doing how's lenny clark doing he asked me about
lenny clark from you know boston and uh couldn't have been nicer man he couldn't have been nicer I was on with Ice-T, I think, on my first appearance.
I come out, I do my set, and I go to sit down, and I go,
hey, how you doing, Ice?
Like I grew up with him.
What a dick I was.
How you doing, Ice?
He's like, how you doing, stupid?
And yeah, so it's exciting.
And then the second time I did it jimmy carter was on i think i had a better set on the second one i don't even remember the bits and that's funny i got him
here somewhere i i counted my wife to like to catalog this stuff you know i mean because uh
i was probably on a vhs tape when we originally did it or whatever she got this machine that
converts the shit,
so I'm guessing we have that stored away somewhere.
They were all right, you know.
They were not as good as my Letterman sets.
But anyways, Jay could have been nicer and, you know.
What's the deal?
He lost his mother, father, and brother.
I didn't even know that.
So, yeah, and brother. I don't even know that. So,
uh,
yeah,
I did that.
Got a picture with the president,
Jimmy Carter.
And then I brought that home and threw it in the trash.
Um,
no,
I didn't.
It's still on my mantle.
Out of all the presidents,
out of all the presidents,
I had my picture taken with him.
What's the matter with him?
He's a good guy,
but he's not my favorite politically.
You know what I mean?
What else did I want to say about the Tonight Show experience?
I guess that's about it.
Two appearances.
I guess that's about it.
Two appearances.
But yeah, that ongoing feud.
I just prefer Jay's monologues because he had the balls to go after people.
He'd make fun of, you know, black players in the NBA having 12 kids or whatever.
Letterman wouldn't touch that in a million years.
But, you know, Jay goes out for everybody.
And he'd get really emotional.
It was almost tough to watch, you know.
And he'd go off to Bill Clinton.
He went off to Clinton the most, I guess, out of all the
presidents, you know.
Which, obviously, the sex
capades make it easy so um that's about it and
before i forget uh this weekend met the comedy shop in wantage new jersey maybe it's pronounced
wanton i don't know w-a-n-t-a-g-e new jersey friday and saturday night the comedy shop it's on route 23 i think it's 87
route 23 um before i forget that um i was laughing that i opened new york papers
i'm telling you i know we love diversity blah blah it's hilarious a cockfighting ring busted
in queens and brooklyn this has happened like every five years since I moved down here.
3,000 birds they confiscated, okay?
This is what they do.
And it's like a Hispanic thing mostly.
They like fasten razor blades to fucking rooster's legs.
And they, you know, it was like Michael Vick, you know, with his pit bulls.
They're doing it with roosters.
They put razor blades on their feet and let them carve each other up.
And people bet on it.
Are you shitting me?
What is this, 1853?
Oh, my God.
I didn't know this shit was still going on.
3,000 birds in Brooklyn and in Queens.
And when do you have, if you like, call your bookie and take action on a bird that, you know.
There's got to be a winner, right?
There's got to be one tough bird that survives all the fights.
It's like the tough man competition they used to have.
But all kinds of dough.
Big time dough on this. And i guess it's not just here
obviously it's like a national thing but uh you know the peter people get crazy when they hear
about this type of shit but i didn't know what was still going on strapping razor blades to
birds feeds and let them let them fight each other let me just give him knives and uh de blasio our new mayor he's not going to march in the saint patrick's day parade
oh so much for that open-minded lefty that he is because you know in the saint patrick's day parade
um they have a problem with you, gays and lesbians.
Well, they let them march in the parade, but they can't, they just won't let them hold up signs, which seems fair to me.
I mean, you know, it's the Irish, it's their religion, whatever they, you know, it goes against what they believe in.
But that's why de Blasio is such a hypocrite and typical fucking lefty.
Because, you know,
he'll suck up to all these Muslim groups
in the city or whatever.
Meanwhile, they'll chop your dick off
if you're gay
and stone you to death
in some countries
that are predominantly Muslim.
You know, it goes against their religion too,
but he wouldn't think twice about it.
So,
just, I can't stand his politics you know what i'm saying folks so uh
yeah so that's good so you're anti-catholic a lot of people be pissed about this you're supposed to
be the uh the mayor of the whole city huh well we're off to a rocky start, aren't we?
I guess he plowed the Upper East Side, though.
That's where all the rich people live in the snowstorm a couple weeks ago.
They didn't get plowed.
I don't know how you can prove that.
But whatever, man.
Whatever.
But I got to go.
I'm going to get tickets to a cockfight.
And did I touch on everything?
Is that about it?
I guess so.
I guess that's about it, folks.
Come see me at Wantage,
New Jersey, Friday and Saturday night.
I'm looking for my closing song here
be patient with me
um
where the hell is it
come on SoundSlate
I'm touching my iPad and it's
frozen right now this technology's
fucking killing me
um
that's about it
you've been terrific I've been terrific ha ha ha and killing me. That's about it.
You've been terrific.
I've been terrific.
Work on a new radio venture.
I can't tell you about it yet,
but I'll still be doing this too.
But I know people like me on Free FM and so I'm working on that, okay?
Got a lot of shit going on
and stand up to.
And trying to get this DVD editing.
Working on the audio right now.
It's become a little trickier than we thought.
But it's very close to getting done.
Guys working on the artwork.
Got to shop that around.
That's about it.
Love you people.
And I'll talk to you next week.
Take care of yourselves.
Good night until we meet again.
Adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen. We'll be right back. guitar solo I'm out.