The Nick DiPaolo Show - 019 - Joe List and the Oscars

Episode Date: March 4, 2014

Joe List and the Oscars

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Yeah, baby. We're back on the air. Nick DiPaolo podcast. Big, big day. Big day. I'm not talking about the Oscars. I'm talking about comedian Joe List. Made the trek up here from Queens.

Astoria or Long Island City? Not that there's a difference. Astoria. Astoria. Oh, you have money. Mm-hmm. I stayed at Joe's. By the way, Joe's a very funny comedian.

I met him in Boston in, what was it, 18? 77. No, not. 2006. Was it? Eight years ago? June 26th. Jesus Christ, you act like we fucked.

You let the date memorize? Well, I have my book. I'm like Rain Man. You know, I remember dates. You're like're like rain man oh you should have heard him he just came in and he's fucking he's just like he's a lot like me just a kind of a crotchety new englander who pisses and moans about everything he doesn't like the mic he couldn't figure out the headset it's like i threw my rubik's cube well the headset is set to fucking it's not set for anything it's been sitting on the table we haven't had a guest in two months you get it my wife my wife picked it up when she was dusting joe i feel like

your previous guest was shack no shrek it fell down shack shrek same thing it was so funny man he came in and uh what else are you whining about i was laughing my boy there's nothing in front of me i feel very nude i got got him on a nice leather couch. Look, it's as close to a talk show set as you're going to have in the basement of a house. Well, I've never done

a talk show before. I've never done any TV. Well, you act like you've done a hundred of them with the whining. This history stinks. He doesn't... You know, we'll get you on.

This is going to spring you. This episode... This is going to be big. This episode's going to put you over the top. I think this is going to get me right onto Comics Unleashed.

Yeah, there you go. Oh, somebody put a bullet in his head. God fucking damn it. Worst show in the history. You should put a camera right here and be streaming this. I mean, this is... Yeah, like, I know how to fucking do that. I just figured out the fucking VCR.

Get Rob Sprantz, that queer up here. Yeah, no, eventually we will be doing all that. You know what I mean? I just wanted to get comfortable for like a year and a half before we brought the cameras in and, uh, whatever you do, don't fart in here. Joe's been known to drop air. He killed, he killed a hundred curds. Well, you sent me that, uh, you sent me some mustard gas.

You sent me a fiber thing that I've been taking. I fasted for 24 hours and then I took that fiber business you gave me. Why are you coming in so hot? And then I had chocolate. I don't know. You just turned me off. What the fuck? I had a hot story here then I had chocolate. I don't know. You just turned me off. What the fuck? I had a hot story here.

I didn't. I didn't. You're all right. I can't hear anything now. What are you talking about? I didn't touch your headphones. Go ahead. Seriously?

I think you turned my mic off. No, I didn't. Now I'm back. All right. Am I too hot now? It says you're too hot. All right. Well.

Here's your mic level. I've been working out a lot. Yeah, it looks it. I got the shoulders of Charlie Callis. That's a comedian in the 70s, folks. Me and gym membership, I just got a voicemail on the way up that I get a free hour personal training session for joining the gym. What gym is it?

Some guy named Trevor. Oh, Trevor? It's good. You'll be benching and his nuts will be an inch from your forehead. He'll be in tight red biker pants. Well inch from your forehead And he'll be in You know tight Red biker pants Well I'm the guy I don't know what I'm doing in there

I just go and do One of everything And then leave I'm telling you You should have been A P90X guy We talked about that Well they had the rope

Business there I've been using the rope thing Where you just fucking Whip the rope around And then my girlfriend Hanging minorities At the gym My girlfriend goes

It looks like Someone's just going to come over and be like, that's not, you're not doing that right. But it feels good. My shoulders, I feel ripped. Yeah, you look shredded. Yeah, I'm getting ready to break up with my girlfriend. So if any ladies-

Whoa, whoa, let's get into this. Hold on. Oh, I'm just kidding. Jesus. Are you? Yeah, I'm kidding. No, you don't kid like that. That was-

I am kidding. I saw the look in your eye. I am kidding. Did she fuck around with the guy at the gym on you? Yeah, she fucked a black guy twice. No, you don't bring up race that's not this kind of show we do here who cares what color the guy is i mean if she's cheating on you that's bad well it's a penis except for armenians she's not she never does anything that's where i draw the line armenians um talk about first of all i want to talk about uh Comic Standing. Give us that story when they cut you off.

I want people to know what a shit business. You mentioned show business. Horrible business. They edited me off the show. I was just talking about this on Bobby Kelly's podcast, and everyone went against me. And even Noam was shitting on me. Because I was talking about, I did Last Comic Standing, 2010. Yeah.

And they edit, people listen to both podcasts. Now I'm just going to sound like a real bitch complaining on bullshit. Nobody's going to hear this. Go ahead. I did Last Comic Standing, 2010. I do the first round in New York. They call you back for the second round. They say, come back later tonight.

Yeah. And then when you get off camera, they're like, actually, it's actually tomorrow. Which should have been my first clue that this thing was a whole bullshit. Well, that's how showbiz works, Joe, but go ahead. Yeah. So I got to come back the next day. They tell him it's the next night. Boo, boo, boo.

Yeah. I do the set of my fucking life. I murder. Geraldo's like slapping the table, laughing. Kindler, the whole business. Yeah. They call everyone one at a time. I heard there was a leg loose on that table.

No, go ahead. They call everyone up one at a time i heard there was a i heard there was a leg loose on that table they call everyone up one at a time it's real dramatic you know yeah my favorite line i gotta include this part of the story my favorite line ever craig robinson before they come back his movie's coming out he goes everyone remember to you know like he's hosting the show everyone remember to see my movie hot tub time Machine? And Geraldo goes, what's it about? One of my favorite lines ever. I was dying. So anyways, I'm like the last, they get down to the last person.

The last person going to LA for last comic standing. Excuse me. Joe List. They call me. It's my big triumphant moment. I wave into the camera.

I miss you, Becca. My ex-girlfriend moved to South America. I was heartbroken. I told, I miss you. The drug dealer I remember that The whole cartel

She was with actually I get the envelope It's empty It's supposed to be A plane ticket to LA It's empty It's actually You go to Glendale

So it's all The whole thing But you're the last guy going I'm the last guy Going to LA They send me to Fucking Glendale This is cruel

I shoot the thing In a theater They do like Probably shoot for four days. They're shooting in my hotel room, the whole thing. Then the show comes out three months later. I'm completely erased, vanished from the show. Me and three of them.

What the hell's going on out here? That was your response. All four guys, all edited completely out. They never told anybody. So my family watched. My ex-girlfriend streamed it in Peru. They're sitting home watching, expecting to completely out. They never told anybody. So my family watched. My ex-girlfriend streamed it in Peru. They're sitting home watching, expecting to see you. Everyone's watching.

I'm at an open mic. That's where I'm at. I'm at an open mic with all these comics. I'm like, oh, shit. It's not an open mic. It's like a regular show, but it feels like an open mic. Watching the show, completely gone. Empty.

Zero. Zero Joe List. No trace. Excuse me. Excuse me. Joe's dad at home. Is that Cape Fear? So I'm completely edited out. That's the whole story, basically.

But who'd they replace you with? Well, there was four people who were edited out. They were all white heterosexual men and then there was another comedian who did not advance in the second round uh what was a black woman and she did go to the second round to the next round even though she didn't advance so they took out four white heterosexual men and added a black woman those are the facts so you can some people are like people are arguing with me but that's what happens now my point was we were talking about and and

noam was like well if you could make wave a magic wand and make it whatever what would be your thing what would you do i'm not offering a solution or saying what i'm just saying if a tv show if mbc edited four black people off the show, or four women off the show, it would be a CNN news story. Blog posts, it would be insane. What happened to Seinfeld? Because he only had his friends on the show. Yeah.

So that's all my point was. So you were a victim of reverse discrimination. I don't think, well, I don't want to. I'll say it for you. Thank you. That's a time of living, and you're in an ultra-liberal business. Get used to it. Yeah, I don't want to cast dispersions. I don't even well i don't want to say i don't want to get thank you it's a time you're living in and you're in an ultra-liberal business get used to it yeah i kind of want to cast dispersions i don't even know what that means i'm in my basement i'm doing a show i'll do that no i know i mean it happens but uh but i think there was just too many white people there's too

many white guys on the show yeah you can't have that you can't have more than uh you can't even have like four white guys you know uh in in a commercial. We know how that works. But what are you going to do? You're a victim. I also wasn't, in my own fault, I did do a joke about cops getting killed by getting hit by cars, which is probably tough to put on TV. Oh, bullshit. I remember that bit. And then that's a real classic.

Available on my album. Yeah. And I also, every time they, I'm not good with the, hey, what's that? They were like, hey, do you think you could be the last comic standing? And I was like, not really. I don't know. I don't know. I'm very uncomfortable on camera.

I'm uncomfortable right now. If there was a table here, I might be all right. Oh, my God. What are you? Maybe a soda. Santa's helper. Oh, I brought cookies, by the way. Oh, you brought cookies.

Chocolate chip. Delicious. Yeah. Stick them right up that tight ass of yours. You want a soda? I have Mexican soda in my fridge. You know Rebecca, right? That runs the-

Rebecca Trent. Yeah. Of course. Creek and Cabin. Remember we had- Creek and the K. What is it called? Creek and Cabin, I just said.

She has a place called the Cabin. But she books Cabin. Yeah, yeah. I had to do it one time. What's the difference? Creek, Cabin, fucking- I had a cabin on a creek up in Maine. I mean, yeah. I had to do it one time. What's the difference? Creek cabin? I had a cabin on a creek up in Maine. Listen.

Remember she brought this summer at a cookout? She brought 400 bottles of Mexican soda? Oh, right, right, right. I'm trying to quit soda. You just asked for one. You really are a crazy motherfucker, aren't you? I was trying to be comical. What the hell's going on out here?

So, yeah, I stared at your place in Queens, a store. Remember? Is that the same place? Of course I remember. Yeah, it's the same place. I've been there for 1,100 years. Do you still have 11 roommates? I got two.

It's like a sweatshop. I went in, there's 19 guys from different countries making shoes. I got Pat Dixon and Jason Kanner, and then I got a 50-year-old Indian guy who works at the airport. Oh, he's still there. Oh yeah. That's the guy. I slept where? You slept in the living room. I slept in the living room and there's a

sheet. There's like a, there's a doorway covered by a sheet that has like shit stains on it and blood stains and I kind of look before I laid my head down on that beautiful, what was I asleep on? An army car? I think it was like a blow-up mattress. It was a blow-up mattress with about a pound of air in it.

Woke up with scoliosis. I looked through the sheets because it didn't quite cover the whole door and I see a guy that looked like the Indian guy from Seinfeld. I see him like, is he dead? Is he exhausted from making shirts for Joe's Joe List

clothing? How old is he? He's like 50, 52 maybe. That's my age. He was exhausted from making shirts for Joe's Joe List clothing. How old is he? He's like 50, 52 maybe. That's my age. He was older than that. No, I think that's how old he is, but I think he's lived a hard life. You know, these Indians, they come across on boats and it's a whole thing. He came here on a piece of plywood, didn't he? My favorite part about him, he hates

pants. Yeah, and that's what I hated about him, too, when I slept an inch from him. He comes home. He works at the airport. He's in charge of the redcoats at LaGuardia, all the customer service people. And he's in charge of everybody. At LaGuardia, by the way. So he comes home.

Joe Biden was right. He comes home in his suit. He walks up the stairs directly into his bedroom, comes out like four seconds later like Superman in boxes and a T-shirt. I think they're breakaway pants. He has pants on for like three Mississippis when he gets home. Why is that? He just hates pants.

I don't know. He's a bit chubby. Let me get this straight. There's an Indian guy in his late 70s who hates pants, and he's living in your house. So then he walks around in his boxers, and then he argues with his employees. It's living in your house. So then he walks around in his boxers, and then he argues with his employees.

It's the funniest shit ever. And his ex-wife, who I guess is like a big cunt. I argue with his employees every time I call customer service. He loses his mind on the phone. One time, this is my favorite, he goes,

he has a big, you know, thick accent. He's like, oh, you're thinking of me now? Were you thinking of me when you were sucking his cock? Which is hilarious. He's fighting with his girlfriend? With his ex-wife i think i didn't oh yeah and then

americanized he was arguing with his like one of his employees and he goes uh do yourself a big favor listen to me listen to me very carefully do yourself a favor throw yourself down a flight of stairs and smash your head off the wall he's fucking hilarious he's like a hilarious guy i just hope you're recording right now because i'm looking at yeah we're on track one and two yeah and uh they both seem to be recording but um mine is in blue and yours is gray like the other six tracks that aren't active but is it moving up and down and shit uh yeah why are you in blue i don't know i could ask rob that oh boy oh boy i'm coming across in gray now i'm nervous no

you know it's it looks like it who knows you're gonna sound like a psychopath just having a dialogue by yourself that would be hilarious that's what you do that's what i'm gonna do interview people that aren't here by the way when we're done here you're gonna take and i'm serious about this i have a sled like a you know like citizen king like a snow sled i want you to take a picture of me on my road you know how it's all windy yes if you if you stand in front of my house and look up it looks like a luge run yeah i want i'm gonna lay on the sled on the side of a snowbank and i want you to take a picture from a distance because it looks just like a fucking luge i am i'm putting on a wetsuit i could barely i could barely get down

your driveway in my Dodge Neon. It's all uneven and muddy and there's snow and a couple bodies. Maybe you want to upgrade to the Dodge feature. I'd love to upgrade. I can't afford it. What does this pay, by the way? What, this?

Yeah. Like I said, I have Mexican soda. I don't know. It's not going to pay anything, but it'll pay off in the long run. Yeah. I can already smell the Twitter followers coming my way. Sarcasm. I'm being serious.

I need some. I'm releasing a big album this summer. I'm going to do like one of those. A big, who are you, Neil Diamond? This is my last chance. My last push. I'm recording at do one of those. Who are you, Neil Diamond? This is my last chance. My last push. I'm recording at Go Bananas. It's going to be a hot one.

No good? I played there once. It's the only club where I said I will not come back there. You say that every club. I do say that every club, actually. But no, that one. You said that on stage at every club. No, Ohio's tricky for me.

Certain parts of Ohio love me. Other parts, they don't. When I did go bananas, again, this was in the early fifties. Jack Power. I was open. It was a college night, the first night there. And they were not, I mean, they were drunk and crazy. And I mean, I ate a bag ofd um with a side order of shit stains

oh my god did i i seriously i don't get flop sweat often i was up there it was like i had jaundice yellow fever and uh then the weekend i survived but i was like no thank you go bananas i had one i did one i've closed like the open mic i was like in town doing a guest spot and i had the set of my life, but I was also following 11 open mics or whatever. The last two weeks of talking, you've said I've had the set of my life 11 times. How many fucking lives have you had? I speak in hyperbole.

I keep getting better. Each one is, you know, a hot set. Last night I really did. I did a one nighter in Philly. It was like a sobriety show. It was for these sober people. Murdered. I like sober crowds.

We're going to talk about your problem with alcohol in a few minutes. Of course. They're the best. Seriously, I was about five years into my career, and I did a thing at, I want to say at Northeastern University. It was an AA thing. Sweeney hooked me up with it, and it was in a big theater. 750 people.

Sad of my life, do I dare say. But you're right. They were drinking nothing but coffee, which means, okay, they're listening to every word. Right. And they're catching the stuff that falls away in a comedy club. Right. People have nine drinks in them. Right.

And you're absolutely right about that. Yeah. But booze really, I know what you and I do, like I say this on stage, like I'm a conduit for bear sales i might as well be driving a fucking miller light truck but but if you take the booze out of it it's so much better of course right this is bad people become idiots and there's always people yelling and crazy the other night i was at a show in lol comedy club and it was it was like a horrible crowd it's like 10 people there's one you gotta change the

name this one drunk woman she just loses her shit during this one guy's set and she's hammered she's like this is just talking he's just up there talking did she have an accent no i mean she was just shit-faced so she she didn't think she didn't even know what the same stand-up was she didn't even know what the art form entailed i think that's what the problem was she didn't even know what the stand-up was. She didn't even know what the art form entailed. I think that's what the problem was. She didn't understand. She was like, is this talking? That's what this is? And she was like a 60-year-old woman.

I guess it was her first show. What did she think? You were going to come out on a dirt bike and do donuts? She's like, is this talking? Yeah. I hear him. He's like, it's talking. And they had to kick her out.

Kick her out? Kick her in the face? That's what I'm talking about. I was just talking to And they had to, like, kick her out. Kick her out. Kick her in the face. Gee, this is what I'm talking about. I was just talking to Colin Quinn about this. You know, he's out there on the road doing his one-man show. Right. And that's the beauty of it, you know. He gets a better quality audience.

I mean, he said, you know, the one thing thing about it i don't have to worry he goes right before the show i'm not looking and going oh this table's gonna give me trouble this table might be trouble which is is that's what keeps me away from driving to the city every night having those confrontations i can't do it anymore yeah i can't do it i'm 52 i can't be calling a table 20 year old girls twats right it's usually girls too what what percentage of the time 99.6 it's chicks and i'm not exaggerating i said 70 the other day and a woman a female comedian corrected me and said it's probably more like 90 there you go so even even even women are on but it's it's really insane it's almost always women it is and uh because they you know it's the old thing you know i mean

what's the the hunter gatherer they were in the fields when it got dark they kept talking yeah the gathering of pickles yeah they did they i mean get a few drinks in them then they get beer balls then when you tell them be quiet they give you the finger or say fuck you right right and uh you can't hit him anymore no um but uh yeah no you're right it's and you're right female comediansians will tell you that. That's not a sexist thing to say. Yeah, short attention spans. It's almost pro-women.

You guys are the problem 90% of the time. It's a positive thing. How's that a positive thing? You're losing me. I was being sarcastic, but now I feel like I really laid an egg here. No, you don't have to get a laugh, Joe. It's an interview. This is going to be all about WABC.

Well, I was being sarcastic. It's not really a positive thing. Oh, I thought you were being, you know, you're kind of a progressive guy. Yeah, I am progressive, right? You have a poster of Obama. I voted for him. I voted for him once, but then I voted for Jill Stein the second time. Do you want to apologize now?

No, I thought he did great in the first term. All right. I'm going to leave that there. Fine? No, I thought he did great in the first term. All right. I'm going to leave that there. I think he's doing fine now. I don't know. I don't follow. I voted for Jill Stein. Apparently you don't follow.

I voted for Jill Stein. Jill Stein? She didn't even come in third. Who the fuck is Jill Stein? She came in fourth. Who's that? She's from the Green Party. She lost to Gary Johnson, who I was on Red Eye with.

Yeah, Mr. Weed Smoker. He's a hell of a guy. Yeah, good guy. So she's what? She's a Green Party? on Red Eye with. Yeah, Mr. Weed Smoker. He's a hell of a guy. Yeah, good guy. So she's what? She's a Green Party? She's from the Green Party, yeah. Who would have fucking guessed? She didn't do well.

Fucking, they came up with three, what are they? Three, I think they came up with what? 300 solar jobs? And it cost the government like 40 million apiece? I don't know. I do. But. I don't watch TV anymore it's better you should because

russia is uh about to invade the the ukraine and um you know i'm excited about it i thought finally i've been waiting for this russia united states war since i was two well you know it's so funny and again uh you know what's his name mr romney brought it up while he was campaigning saying that was our biggest threat oh yeah, yeah. One of the debates. And, of course, he got mocked by Joe Biden saying this isn't the night. This is a 1956 anymore. Of course, Hillary jumped in, agreed with Biden. And Obama said the same thing.

I'm sorry, man. You should apologize for voting. But no, I mean, what are you going to do? No, you're right, though. I kind of you don't want stuff like this to happen. It's a little, but it makes for tremendous TV. It's very exciting. I think everyone's going to, it's going to be fine, right?

I don't know. It always feels like there's a war building up and then nothing ever happens. I know, but we never had a community organizer run in the country. Reverse a former KGB guy. This is a, it's 1956, like somebody said, to the Putin, it's still 1956. It's like Rocky IV. It is. But, you know, he's calling Obama, Obama said there'll be, you know, if you do this, there's

going to be problems. What are you going to do? Right. You know what I mean? Where are they going to go? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

But what the hell else did I want to talk to you about? what are you gonna do you're gonna do but um what the hell else did i want to talk to you about you're uh yeah you being clean and sober man yeah clean and sober 14 months 14 months let me tell you something man when i met joe he was and i didn't know i after a few months i had him opening for me i met him in boston and i you know he seemed fine maybe i wasn't paying attention the night I met him he had dried puke on his pants but I took him out on the road

and by the end of the night this fucking guy I mean you were a fall down drunk I go holy shit and I'm thinking maybe he just had

to fight with his girlfriend or something well I would have quit earlier but then you kept being like that's what I like about you

you're a drunk and I was like well Nick thinks I'm a real drunk look at him he's blaming it on me you see why he voted for Obama

you see what they do I voted for Jill Stein oh Jill Stein I'm a real... Look at him, look at him, he's blaming it on me. See why he voted for Obama? You see what they do? They just blame... I voted for Jill Stein. Oh, Jill Stein, I'm sorry. Yeah, what are you kidding? She doesn't blame anybody. She's a sweetheart. She'd have this Russia thing snapped up and no problem. Yeah, she would.

She'd put some solar panels on the Ukraine and we'd be all done. No, exactly. That's what you'd say. We'd be fine. To Putin. Yeah, just meditate on it. But you like your sauce, brother. I love drinking.

I still love it. It just got really you know i got tired of making fourteen thousand dollars and i was with joe and i wasn't seeing you know look he was when i met him he's young and i saw a potential in this kid and then uh it sort of stalled for a while and then i'm like oh my god i saw the drinking and put two and two together and uh which i don't blame him he ignored me and colin quinn who has some credibility on this sat young joe down and said look this is what you gotta do and i didn't work with joe for a few And, which I don't blame him. He ignored me. And Colin Quinn, who has some credibility on this, sat young Joe down and said, look, this is what you got to do.

And I didn't work with Joe for a few months. Not intentionally. I just, you know, schedules didn't. And all of a sudden, I brought him out to a gig in Wyoming or Montana. Oh, Montana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was when you stayed at my house. Yes. Yeah, same night.

Montana. And I hadn't worked with Joe in probably probably i don't know it's like six months and he goes up there i'm expecting sort of the same stuff all new material he's standing up straight full of confidence seriously your posture was different you didn't begin every bit with a question i go what the and from there on man since then you've been writing new shit left and right oh thank you seriously i mean you you're doing what you got to do. You're in New York. I mean, Tonight Show's here now.

You got Seth Meyers' new show. Trust me. They come looking after a while. Right, right. You're in the right place. But talk about you shitting in some girl's shoe. Well, I shit in a girl's shoe. Yeah, yeah.

That was sort of a low. That was a low. Now, what kind of shoe was it? Was it a big shoe? I think it was like a Nike high top. And I didn't get all of it in there. Did you fill it? I got a little bit in there.

And then some of it spilled over the sides. And then I traipsed it around a little bit. It was all over. This is a true story, folks. It was insane, yeah. I drank. Well, I was drinking heavy. I did a show at Bar 82 in the East Village.

And then our buddy Jason Cantor, my roommate, he bartends across the street. So I'm drinking for free over there. And then I'm drinking for free at Bar 82 and the East Village and then our buddy Jason Cantor, my roommate, he bartends across the street so I'm drinking for free over there and then I'm drinking for free at Bar 82 on stage. And I mean drinking, folks.

I'm not talking about sipping cocktails. I'm not talking about pleasure cruising. I'm talking about working for a living. Gay sailing. I'm not talking

about pleasure cruising or gay sailing. So go ahead. So I'm drinking there on stage at like a little desk light just came on I had an idea look hey oh wow oh this is nice so go ahead so I'm on stage at like 8 30 at night on stage at party too I'm like I'm fucking hammered you ever been you know you've been on stage where you're like oh wait a minute I'm fucking shit face right now for about three years of the comedy stuff. Yeah, so I do that.

And then I was supposed to meet up with this girl. I had a thing for her. She worked at Caroline's. I'd been talking to her in the booth, you know, and I finally got up the balls to ask her via Facebook, we should hang out one night. So we're all going to go out in a group. It's better in a group setting.

So I go to Caroline's. I'm drinking there. I do a set. I meet up with her, her roommate. We all go to this bar barcelona bar which is like a shot bar at this point i'm like already shit-faced i haven't eaten but i'm with these girls i want to i want these girls to know that i'm like a fun party guy so every time somebody offers a shot yeah i would do a shot it's like this this this

uh shot bar where like that you do a top gun and they give you a little sailor hats and they play whatever it is there's a golden girl they play the golden girls and you kiss old people it's crazy so anyways we got shit face there i had an 11 a.m flight to seattle you kiss old people seriously i'm back on that i was kissing an old woman on the lips didn't you didn't you think of drew mcclanahan the happy hour or something. Didn't you think of Drew McClanahan? The happy hour or something? No, go ahead. Who's Drew McClanahan? Drew McClanahan.

I mean, Rue. Rue McClanahan? I don't know who that is. Did I say Drew? Yeah, I think so. Oh my God, am I tired. Rue McClanahan. Golden Girls.

Oh, I don't know. She was the hoary one. I don't know. Very funny show, by the way. There's no Betty White in the other one that you did the roast with. I know. What's her name? Bea Arthur.

Yeah, she's a tight end in high school. So anyways, we're shit-faced. I have a flight at 11 a.m. to Seattle for a month. I was doing the Seattle comedy competition. It's like 3 in the morning, and I'm in and out of black. I'm like brownout drunk at this point. Another make-or-break gig for you. Yeah.

So these girls, they're're like let's go down to the east village we got some friends down there so i'm like all right we'll go to the east village it'll be great i don't remember the cab ride i'm already blacked out the cab ride i just end up back at the 13th step ironically is the name jason canner's bartending and uh i'm just drinking for free i'm in and out of blackouts so all right. How many drinks at this point? Probably 20, 25. I probably had 10 shots and like 12 beers. It was pretty insane. There you go.

That's fraternity stuff for me. And I hadn't eaten or anything. So I'm just a maniac. But this girl, I'm talking to this girl and I kept being like, you hate me. You hate me. Because that's what I would do. Oh, Jesus. I hate people like that.

And then the canner leans in and he's like, you got to stop saying that's into you that's why she's talking to you so i was like all right you got it and then i turned i was like you fucking love me and i switched tunes to you love me then i was like i gotta go i got a flight 11 in the morning i leave and then i just come back 45 minutes later and they're like i thought you left i was like i did this 45 minutes i'm completely unaccounted for i could have and you still don't know. I have no idea. I could have been raping people or fighting people. I have no idea.

I just disappeared. Then I black out. I wake up. I'm throwing up. And my buddy wakes me up and he's like, hey, you got to get it together. We're at these girls' houses. This house, whatever. And I was like, all right, shit, I got to get beer.

So I go in and buy a six pack. This is after 20 drinks. I got to get beer. And I've been throwing up. So we go up into their apartment that's the last thing i remember i wake up i'm in a bed yeah no pants i can't find my glasses i can't find my pants i can't find my shoes i gotta piss so bad so i'm like let me piss then i'll figure out where i am because i was like it'd be embarrassing if i pissed this is unbelievable so you don't even know where you are how you got so i'm pissing in the bathroom.

I have no idea where I'm at. As soon as I finish pissing, I walk out of the living room. The living room table is just desecrated. And I have that feeling like that was me, for sure. What do you mean desecrated? It's just in pieces. You broke it? The legs are broken.

Into firewood? Yeah, like somebody. Did you really? I just fell. I jumped on it or something. I have no idea what I did. It's just shattered. And where's the girl at this point? Both girls are gone a kia pricing ship they're both gone and in my mind i'm

like they left because i was like the tasmanian devil i'm fucked this is when it starts you scared a woman out of her own house well i think they might have just gone to work but that's what i my fear was daytime it's like 11 o'clock in the morning oh what a depressing shitty story again it's like love it it's 10 30 in the morning my flight's at 11 so i'm like fuck i gotta go i go back in the bed i gotta find my pants i go back into this girl's bedroom who i met that night i'm sleeping in her bed and i start just finding shit everywhere there's a big puddle of piss shit there's footprints of shit because i've been baby baby i've been traipsing through the shit her sneak is in there it's filled up with shit i got like literally footprints of shit of your own of my own shit because i was

walking through it i was just walking around like a maniac i find my pants i put my pants on i find my glasses i put all my clothes on i try to pick up the shit i use my sock i put my sock on like a sock puppet you know i'm picking up clumps of shit and then I turn the sock inside out so it's like it's like shit in a sock and I throw that in the trash barrel and then I tried to I grabbed like a sponge I tried to clean up the shit but it's like caked to the floor you know so I was like I gotta catch this flight I'll just leave this amount of shit so I just run out I grab the socks with the shit. I throw that in like a dumpster outside.

And here's the story, folks. The girl calls the next thing and goes, Joe, I want to see you again. I think she was German, wasn't she? Well, I go. I run to my house to grab my bag. I'm leaving for a month. My flight leaves in like a half an hour.

After finding your own shit all over a girl's apartment, you're only going to stay away a month? Yes. Should have moved your fucking house to Brazil with that. So I called the girl and i'm like i'm sorry i want to kill myself like i literally this is the only time in my life i ever wanted to kill myself so i'm like i literally want to kill myself and she goes it's all right we think it's funny so i'm like these fucking girls know how to party you know like these girls are wild either that or they yeah i guess because uh they were they what oh they work at an emergency

room and sustain everything really so so i thought it was funny so i missed my flight they put me on a later flight i'm like i'm like suicidal i'm just sitting here i'm covered in my own shit i get on a new flight i turn my phone off to fly i fly six and a half hours to seattle i'm like as i'm on the flight at one point i crossed my legs and i realized this shit all of my leg so i'm just flying across the country covered in feces so so i get to seattle i turn my phone back on it's been off for six and a half hours and i that's when i get the messages from them being like, we had no idea how bad this you're a fucking asshole. You owe us a new pair of sneakers.

They changed their mind? Well, here's the thing. What, they found some shit on the ceiling? No. That's where they draw the line? Here's the thing. This happened after they left for work. I shit in this girl's shoe at like 10 in the morning.

I was just still blacked out. So when they left, maybe the table was broken and I had been like, ah. Oh, they hadn't found the shit yet? No. So they went and worked like a day. They worked from like nine to five. Still an accident.

Then they work at night. They come home at 10 o'clock at night and their house is just marinating in my human shit. And I tried screaming. They had to like get down on their hands and knees and like scrape up shit. And then there's just piss. I don't even know how you do. They have to like defumigate your rug or whatever. Oh wonder what they had they probably called harvey kytel to come in it must have been bad so i ended up sending them a birthday card i wrote like a long

apology i put 300 in cash i call my buddy nate bargetti i was like it's 300 bucks too much have you ever talked to this chick again yeah well I almost ended up going on a date with the girl. I got to see this thing. I was going to go. She's got to be a troll. She's very pretty. I was going to go on a date. Someone gave me tickets to go see Letterman, and I was going to go.

I was going to take her. She was in. She was down. But then she had something come up. The next day, she's like, I'm so sorry. I'm not making this up. Fucking whatever. Blah, blah, blah.

And then I'm bad with girls, so I never pursued it any further. The one girl, the girl that I had a thing for, I think, hated me. She hated me. But her friend, the roommate, whose room I actually shit in, thought it was kind of sweet. It's like natural. It's like a nature thing. I fucking marked my territory.

She was into it. I've had girls not have me back because I spilled a beer on their couch. Well, luckily, they were 22 years old. If they were in their 30s, I would have been sued. Never mind dropping corn dogs all over the fucking house and in their shoes. So I sent them 300 bucks and a long apology. A very sincere apology. I have it on Facebook somewhere. It was bad news bears.

And then, well, here's the crazy part. This is where alcoholism comes in. That day, I remember being in Seattle going like this. I better not drink tonight. I'll take a night off. I'll take a night off. I should take a night off from drinking. And then later that night, I was like, well, I'm going to drink again eventually anyway,

so I might as well start drinking. So I was drinking that night again. What amazes me, and again, I don't mean, you know, this scatterological story that we're on, but to prolong this, but it surprised me there was that much feces found all over the place with your tiny asshole syndrome. Well, that's the thing.

I think I had... Joe doesn't move his bowels well, and he's convinced that he has a tiny asshole. I think I have a very tiny asshole. I've never had any fingers or penises in there, and I think... And that's... Is that what you used to decide?

I think it's anxiety. It's puckered up permanently. Oh, so you literally anal. That's like the definition of an anal. Yeah, I am anal retentive. Isn't that what that means? My anal is retentive. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't think there's a big range of asshole sizes, I'm saying. I think there is. Do you think yours is, mine's three inches wider than yours? It's like five eighths or whatever. I think I have a small, because I've been taking this fiber shit. He's dead serious about this. You gave me this fiber business.

Yeah, psyllium husk. Yeah, I've been eating it with cereal. I've been eating it by the box. And you said you texted me, and again, not to get too gross here, but who cares? But you did say you were taking comical dumps, which I took as large. I took some big ones and some white but they're like like big ones but they're still i don't have the one you've described and i don't want to gross out the whole audience here but let's not get they're not i want like a calf

muscle the way you're describing them you're talking about girth wise yeah yeah the way you're talking you're talking about explosion you're like spray painting the ball they're wild yeah yeah they're wild but but joe joe grew up on mac and cheese and i saw him eat when we were in wisconsin at a club i saw him buy a box of mac and cheese that could have fed uganda and he you know he every day he had one of those it literally could have fed six people i would eat like four or five times a week like mac and cheese out of a box the crap the crap yeah your sphincter is gonna rust out like a like a fucking tailpipe on a city bus in December. I know.

I get scared every time I talk to you. I think I'm going to have ass cancer. I'm sure of it. I'm hoping. And a lot of fast food, too. Fast food and mac and cheese. He's a comedian. There's no doubt about it.

That's just so depressing, waking up in your own shit, then having to fly to Seattle. I don't know what's more depressing about that story. Well, you ever tell that story when we had to share the condo in Wisconsin because the flight thing was in town. There was an air show in town. So there's no hotels. Yeah. So we had to share a condo.

I don't remember anything remarkable happening other than watching you. What about the Chris Rock thing? That was hilarious. Oh, he calls me. We, we were sitting, we were sharing the condo and life on the road.

Very boring. We're in Appleton, Wisconsin. There's nothing to do. We're sharing a condo. It's hilarious. We had the road, very boring. We're in Appleton, Wisconsin. There's nothing to do. We're sharing a condo. It's hilarious. We had a million laughs. We're flicking through the channels.

We have like eight channels. Somehow the Mets game, they're not even playing the Brewers. It's just like a Mets game is randomly on TV. And we're like, we're celebrating. We're like, all right, Mets. This is three hours. We can kill the game. That's right.

This is going to be great. We're high-fiving. We got popcorn. We're like, this is great. We'll kill the whole day. We'll watch the Mets game. Yeah. this is going to be great. We're high-fiving. We got popcorn. We're like, this is great. We'll kill the whole day. We'll watch the Mets game. As the opening pitch is happening,

Chris Rock calls you and invites you to sit in his box seat with Louis C.K. Who I hadn't talked to Chris in a year probably. So it just completely ruined the vibe. Instead of us being excited for the game, you're just miserable. How do you think I felt when I had to say to Chris Rock and to Louis, no, I can't. I'm playing, what was the name of the club? Skyline Comedy Club in Appleton, Wisconsin. They blew my

ears out. They were laughing so hard. And I hung up the phone and I went in the bedroom and I cried for an hour and a half. I was like, say my name. Mention my name. Yeah. Well, that's my career. That's my life in a nutshell. I told i i went chris rock called me one time and at the last minute when i was living in queens said hey meet me meet me at

city field before it was city field shea stadium right uh oh was it city no it was uh shea stadium meet meet me at the ballpark i get meds day he called me the last minute like a sunday yeah and i'm like yeah beautiful i get there it's him and Seinfeld. Me, Chris Rock, and Seinfeld. We go to the Mets game. And then like a week later in People Magazine, there's a picture. I always tell this story. You can see Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, and like my left eyebrow,

the corner of it. There is my career in a nutshell. That's hilarious. But that was a blast, man watching i was watching jerry blow off autograph seekers oh that's what i like about jerry he's kind of a little prickly sometimes and i like that i watched a guy fight his way i told you this they posted somebody at the top of our aisle to stop people from coming down right right and this is like the sixth

seventh inning and i'm i just happen to lay my eyes on the sky that was 100 yards away. And he's fighting his way through, you know, stepping over people, cutting through rows instead of walking along, you know. Right. The aisles. And it literally took him 18 minutes to get to us. And he goes to Jerry, Mr. Sanford, can I have any audience? And Jerry goes, no, sorry. Oh, my God.

That made me so happy. That's great. It made me laugh. Just to see Jerry didn't want to be bothered. Good guy. Joey, sports-wise, here's one of the reasons I brought Joe on the road with me when I finally loved college football like I did. Yeah, I love college football.

It's rare that New Englanders are into college football. That's true. People always ask me what my team is. I'm like, I don't have a team. That's why I enjoy it so much, although I root for BC. I do, too. It's rare that New Englanders are into college football. That's true. People always ask me what my team is. I'm like, I don't have a team. That's why I enjoy it so much. Although I root for BC. I do too. Pedestrianly.

I love watching BC. But tell them why you like it better than the NFL. Well, first of all, every rule difference, and I like having this argument why there's no one here because everyone gets all up and at them. But first of all, every rule difference that's different between college football and the NFL, I think is better in college football.

Personally, the hash marks being further apart is much better. Holy shit, he's really put some thought into it. You open up the field more. See, I like it because of the cheerleaders, 18-year-old tits. It makes the field goals more difficult. I think you and I differ on this rule, but I'm very adamant about it. The one foot and bounds, to me me two feet in bounds is the most arbitrary rule in all of sports and in college football you don't receive only has to have one foot in

bounds for it to be completion but it's a little more complicated but right it's a little more complicated and i think it's been changed and i don't even know the rule exactly in in football you used to be able to knock a guy out of bounds or do i have it wrong is that in college if a guy goes up for a ball in the air and you drilled him out of bounds, I think it's the NFL. I think college you're allowed to do that. Is that what it is? I believe.

But I get them confused myself. Me too. I get confused myself. That's why I'm watching youth football now. There must have been two dozen Peters and Pauls at the wedding. I get confused myself. I think you can knock them out in college football. But the one foot college football, to me, that rule,

if you have one foot out of bounds, you're out of bounds. So I think if you have one foot in bounds, it's a catch. I like that rule better. I think I don't care either way. But I'm saying I think because they're pros and supposed to be at another level, they make it more difficult. It's harder to get two feet down. Isn't that the mentality?

That's the mentality. But if that's the mentality, why don't you say we don't use face masks or you've got to have your shoes tied together. I mean, there's other things that make it difficult too. Let's not go crazy. You've got to play with no pants on. No face masks. Somebody might break their nose.

Mr. Official, let me ask you something. How can six of you miss a play like that? All six of you. The play like that, huh? Oh, six of you. The ball jumped out of there as soon as we made contact. I thought you were talking about you being on the field. No. What? Who is that?

Hank Stram. Hank Stram, baby. What? KC Chiefs. He used to wear the suit jacket with a little pocket on it with a designer. No cursing. Oh, the other rule I think that we might differ on also that i hate is in college football if you're down you're down however you got on the ground that's the end of the play you're on the fucking ground right the nfl is my

least favorite rule in football if you slip and fall you can just get up and keep running you could actually crawl on your hands and knees right Right. That, to me, is silly. You're on the ground. So what? Because you're punished. If nobody put you down, which is the name of the game, you should be able to get up and go. Nick, the name of the game is football. I think we all know that.

Set me up, beautiful. The autumn wind is a pirate Blustering in from sea With a rollicking song he sweeps along Swaggering voicelessly His face is weather-beaten He wears a hooded sash With a silver hat about his head And a bristling black mustache.

He growls as he storms the country, a villain big and bold. And the trees all shake and quiver and quake as he robs them of their gold. The autumn wind is a raider pillaging just for fun. He'll knock you round and upside down and laugh when he's conquered and won. That's what football is, football. I love the Grinch stole Christmas.

Yeah. John Facenda. Wow. Everybody tries to imitate him. He's been dead forever. Wow. He was the voice of NFL films. And that poem is an actual poem.

Wow. That's intense. Isn't that awesome? The Raiders And that poem is an actual poem. Wow, that was intense. Isn't that awesome? The Raiders used that for their thing. Wow. Joe was born in... 1982. 1982, yeah. See, I was a Raiders fan in like 72.

The good old days. When they were real criminals. Yeah. Them and the Steelers would get together. Remember? They'd knock Len Swan out on the first play of the game. And George Atkinson ran up behind him and sucker punch you know forearm to the head unconscious and then they had to go to court after the game they had you know after the season was over

the steelers and raiders had to go to court i mean the coaches were called in subpoenaed and everything jesus and and um this is when the steelers were nasty too right it was the best rivalry in sports in the history in my opinion and And they asked Chuck Knoll if his defensive backs, some of his players were they criminal elements and he said yes. Wow. And the Raiders were the filthiest, dirtiest team and for some reason I love, my dad

always liked the bad guys in movies and stuff. Like Jimmy Conway. Typical Guinea. Yeah, exactly. And so my old man always loved the Raiders and I kind of, you know. What do you think the best rivalry in professional sports is right now? Oh, that's easy. I think it's the Flyers and Penguins, personally.

I feel like you're going to have a sarcastic answer. I was going to say the Royals and the A's. Well, the Philadelphia. I'm kidding. You think it's what? I think Flyers and Penguins. Well, Philadelphia. I'm kidding.

You think it's what? I think Flyers and Penguins. I think in professional sports, rivalries ebb and flow and change. No, you're right. College football, there's tradition in college football and their interstate, and it's all that shit, and they're inter-recruited, so it lasts forever. Professional, I think it comes and goes. Red Sox and Yankees is always classic, but it's sort of down right now. Here's why, though, and I'll add to that, and I agree with that,

but the reason is free agency. Right. You see what I'm saying? Like you said, with college sports, okay, the players change every four years, but, you know, when the Yankees, Red Sox, back in the 70s, it was the same guys every year. Munson hated Fisk, and they saw each other

18 times a year for like 10 years. Right, and we even had another heyday, the 99 through 04 because there was the two top dogs and then the block scheduling, whatever the hell that's called. Yeah.

And so they played each other 18 times plus seven two years in a row. And A-Rod got thrown into the mix. And that was amazing and the Evil Empire, you had all that shit. But you don't see as much of it.

But yeah, as far as... And Pedro really stirred things up as well. That's right. Throwing down a octogenarian. Which I love, by the way. And I love Zimmer too. I love both. But as far as, and here's one you won't, you probably don't even remember.

Kansas City Chiefs, Hank Stram that I just played. Yeah. And the Raiders. Well, that's what bothers me now. They still play that up as a rivalry. Yeah. Chiefs, Raiders, the rivalry. I'm like, that's not a rivalry at all.

It's all bullshit. Giants, Redskins. They do that shit. Giants, Cowboys. Exactly. So it has to ebb and flow. For a while, I thought the Patriots and Jets was a great rivalry because you had the Belichick and the Parcells business and Curtis Martin.

So it has to sort of go. Like right now, San Francisco and Seattle is the best rivalry in football to me. NFL football. Well, Steelers and Ravens, I should say. That's been amazing the last 10 years or whatever. Steelers, Ravens, yeah. Because they're similar styles, and they're fairly close to each other geographically, and you had, you know.

Now, you think that's more of a better rivalry than, like, the Bills and the Texans? That's what I'm talking about, and you're exactly right. It's watered down. That's why, I mean, I love the're exactly right. It's watered down. That's why, I mean, I love the 70s because, I mean, if you weren't watching the Raiders and the Steelers who really hated each other, I mean, constantly for decades, and you put on the Chiefs and Raiders. Or, I mean, it was really like, or Giants, Cowboys, they really disliked each other.

Again, I think free agency is what changed it most because it was the same Guys right like a guy The stork Hendricks Ted Hendricks Speared Len Dawson in the back yeah you know and started A brawl on the fan you know the next time they play Each other and they Held grudges for like years on end

Right which anytime is a good Battle that's why hockey is great because you get Rhyme movies because people are fighting each other and that shit lingers it's great this you i think you even mentioned it to me behind the b that show oh yeah i love that again you most you folks who don't uh get new england sports network but uh it's a show about the bruins right now and they played on nhl network i have nhl network it's the best thing i've ever purchased in my life i get it with my uh pack i get it free actually uh they um how about how polite the hockey players are even on the ice when they're banging that's all changed too since i was a kid

right right here i'm going oh crosby's like now come on man you did that to me too right right this is them like almost in a fight oh come on man you didn't have to do that yeah these are polite canadian i mean crosby sounds like my roommate your version of crosby that's how he Right, right This is them like almost in a fight Oh, come on, man You didn't have to do that Yeah These are polite Canadians I mean Crosby sounds like my roommate Your version of Crosby That's how he talks Hello

Okay, I'm laying it on a little thick Jesus, Joe I'm sorry, I'm not Rich Little But My point is They're so polite Yeah, I saw one Compared to the trash talking in the NFL

And the NHL And the NBA NHL tonight played They played like the Canadians, whatever their show is, in their locker room. And there was a guy fighting, and he's like, and they're at the face-off, and he's like, you looking for a fight?

And he's like, ah, I'm just, I'm looking to go home. Yes, I saw that. I'm looking to go home. I'm down 7-1. I'm just looking to go home. He's like, I'm going to keep playing like this. If you feel like you're going to find me, come find me. I love that.

Speaking of fight. Yeah. Tell the people about the time that you and I were working in Rhode Island and my buddy Vinny Pazienza showed up. Oh, Jesus. I'm scared to say this publicly. I think he's going to listen and find me. I'm terrified of that fucking guy.

Vinny Pazienza, folks, was a world champion boxer in the 90s. Champion of the world. If you want to know about Vinny Pazienza, Google image him. You'll find a thing with him like a crazy neck brace. With the bolts into his head. He broke his neck. And and he's doing deadlift he's deadlifting like 400 pounds with bolts in his skull because he had broken his neck it's terrifying and uh him and greg haugen were a great rivalry and he's a badass vinnie just a badass from rhode island yeah and and he always he apparently he's a fan of mine and he comes every time i come to rhode island and he he would come to my show.

And so me and Joe were performing there. I went home after the show. Yeah. Because I know you were drinking there. I was drinking heavily. And I know Vinny likes his sauce. Yeah, Vinny was drinking and I was drinking. We were all hanging out.

And what happened? I still never heard the, what triggered this? No trigger. No trigger. We're all just hanging out. We're all just hanging out. We're all just hanging out. And there's like eight of us, six of us, whatever. And all of a sudden, Pazienza, former champion of the world, is just like, you, comedian,

I'm going to fuck you up. And I'm a nervous guy. I'm a scared guy. I'm not a fighter. And so I was just like, what? Why is he saying this? And everyone, and like his, this is the scariest part. His girlfriend.

Is it possible that you were so drunk that you might hit on his girlfriend or something? No, we were just hanging out. Didn't you call him a greasy guinea fowl? I think I was just. You called him a grease ball. I was just having fun and just charming. And, you know, we're just hanging out. I think this happened.

What was terrifying, I saw his girlfriend's face. And she had this face of like, Vinny, no. And judging by her reaction, I was like, oh, this happens a lot. She sees this happen. Yeah, oh, yeah. And that's what terrified me. She's like a stripper. And then some guy was like, I don't worry.

He gets like this. I'm like, gets like this? He's going to fucking, he's going to kill me. So I had to like hide upstairs, and people were like holding him back. This is Vinny Pazienza. The guy fought fucking roy jones jr he's got we gotta be missing something i swear to god he's just a bit of a nut i mean the guy's a bit of a nut well there's no doubt about it professional fighter and uh then the best my favorite part of the whole story was later on eventually they got him to leave and i was like hiding upstairs crying you know and uh

i was talking to my uncle i was talking to my uncle the next day and he's like, yeah, if he was that drunk, he's like, people can't fight when they're that drunk. You would have been fine. Like he was, my uncle's implying that I could have beat him up. He has that good Irish wisdom. Yeah.

That's the reason Joe shits in girls' shoes. At what point of me hitting Vinny Pazienza that he would have been like, all right, I'm sorry, you win. I'm like, the guy's the, that was the other thing the bartender goes he's just drunk and i'm like well he's not just drunk he's drunk in addition to being the champion of the world beating people up exactly and he's pissed right now it's not

mills lane wasn't also at the bar i'm just gonna get fucking annihilated so it was uh it was terrifying i couldn't believe when you told me that i'm still scared of him i'm scared of this right now i'm gonna change my name and move to Peru. I got his number. We'll call him. We'll smooth things over nice. You know, you shake his hand and what's Tommy say? It's all forgotten, supposedly.

It's all forgotten. What's that guy's name? Nick? Nick Costamacos or something. Yeah. Coach from Cheers. Coach from Cheers. Tremendous actor.

Been dead about 111 years but uh that was one of my favorite stories i thought you were kidding me when you told me no no it was terrifying and he had that that fucking look in his eye with like i'm like there's nothing i can do i'm gonna get killed my biggest fear is getting beat up which is you know that helps sobriety helps not having to worry about getting beat up too much no it's good i'm still. I'm terrified of like Twitter. They can find you. These people, some of these ONA lunatic fans

will probably call me a faggot for voting for Jill Stein. I'm scared they're going to find me at some show. That's what John's for. And, you know, pull my underwear over my head. My garage is for. I see myself dying on my property in a showdown with the government when I'm like 70. Like, you ever seen, well, I know you're a movie buff, Legends of the Fall.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know that that will, though. But Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt is like a half Cherokee, his son. Remember? Right. And Anthony Hopkins, they live in, you know, wherever, Montana or Wyoming, one of those states that you and I played. Right.

And, you know, he's very anti-government. He was a military guy. And, you know, there's a showdown at the end. But Anthony Hopkins has a stroke. Screw him! And there's a shootout. They kill like two FBI, three FBI guys on their property at the end. That's how I'm going to go down.

I think you're going to die like Vito Corleone right outside the studio here. Just clipping some flowers out there. And then slowly you're just gonna fall into the bush and into the creek and then like the neighbor's gonna come running over by the way that run watch it again I mean you've seen it a million times the run that little Anthony does after Corleone dies in the first go for it's fucking hilarious oh and he's got the little legs when he falls over yeah when he falls over he falls over on the tomato plant? Yes. Oh, yeah. And the kid runs away.

And then if you're watching it in a group, when he runs. My wife laughs at that. When he runs, you just go. And it's a big laugh. My wife laughs at the way the kid runs out of there. Yeah. He's got little laughs. It looks like old footage of Babe Ruth.

I'll tell you what it looks like. That was me and my grandfather. Seriously. I was a little kid like that. My grandfather was dressed just like vito coglione's dressed in that scene right you know the old the old gray like slack yeah whatever pants work pants and uh the cardigan sweater or whatever all right and uh i told you my grandfather fell down and split his head open when i was working on them i was a kid yeah jesus and uh

you know could have taken a few stitches so what's he do he packed dirt in he packed dirt in the car to stop the bleeding that's's like Lone Survivor. Have you seen Lone Survivor? Not yet, but that's my next one. That's really good. Let's talk about that. It's a good segue with the Oscars. Ooh, Oscars tonight.

It's a big day for the fruitcakes out there. I'm a big Oscar fag. Not to use that language. I can't vote for Jill Stein and then say fag. What's wrong with me? You can say anything you want. This is America, okay? It's a big day for the fruit cups.

I'm not gay, but I love the Oscars. I do too. I recorded them every year, and I'm really excited about it. I don't... When I was in L.A., when I thought really I was going to end up in the movies, I'd make sure to see all the ones that were being nominated. Now I'm a little lax like that, but I did make an effort this year. Yeah.

12 Years a Slave, I stayed away from just because of the knockout game. It's my way of boycotting. I have black compassion fatigue that I can't feel sorry anymore for anybody. But, you know, I saw Gravity a couple nights ago here. Yeah. And. What'd you think? Best part was seeing Sandra, you know, Bullock floating around in tight shorts for 10 minutes

Yeah, that's exciting But I couldn't I know you gotta suspend your disbelief When you watch a movie like that Right But I mean, I know wives who almost crumble When they have their period Never mind surviving a fucking astro explosion

Being hit by Russian What was it I don't know something to do with the Ukraine I don't know no it was just too much

for me to believe to even grasp it was entertaining I get it I thought it was I like Sandy Bullock I thought it was entertaining and exciting

but it's hard for me same thing with I can't put myself in that position I don't know what it's like to be in space so I didn't it wasn't that dramatic for me I couldn't I don't know I can't imagine being in that position i don't know what it's like to be in space so i didn't it

wasn't that uh dramatic for me i couldn't i don't know i can't imagine being in it'd be terrifying just to be in space let alone lost in space or whatever it wasn't much different than you waking up not knowing where you were and shitting all over the place yeah it was a lot of debris flying and uh no i watched it it was entertaining enough and i'm sure look maybe I didn't get the full effect because I watched on a black and white six inch TV. So I don't. Wolf of Wall Street. I actually went last week myself on like a Thursday night and drove. Loved it.

And it was a lot of fun. Yeah. A lot of fun. Entertaining movie. Not, you know, I mean, it was a little shallow. I mean, okay. He was out of control. Like, you know.

Right. But I enjoy watching a was out of control like you know right and um but i i enjoy watching a guy out of control it's kind of liberating to see a rich guy go fuck you i'm on drugs right it was kind of liberating so uh as far as dicaprio i mean i i love him but i think he could have done that role in asleep right but he's spectacular i thought he was great all coked up giving those speeches i was getting fired up but that's easy for a guy with that talent, I think. I mean, I think it was... I don't think it was that challenging a role.

And I think Matthew McConaughey is going to get it. I think McConaughey's going to win. Hollywood loves AIDS. They're huge AIDS fans. AIDS, slavery. Yeah, but... What else? I think AIDS... I think 12 years of slave will win Best Picture. If the slave had AIDS, it would win Best Picture.

Oh, Slave with AIDS. Forget about it. It would win two years in a row. So what do you think is going to get Best Picture? I think 12 Years a Slave is going to get Best Picture. I would think so. This is why I don't really put much credence into the Academy, because too much of that horseshit, you know what I mean?

It's about what they believe in. If movies are about causes that they believe in, you know what I mean? You's about what they believe in. If movies are about causes that they believe in, you know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about. Right. If it's really PC subject matter, they eat it up. When that shouldn't enter into how they're thinking. Right. You know what I mean?

Let's say there was a documentary about Phil Rizzuto. Right. That the whole world loved. The guys at the Academy are going to. I agree. You know what I mean? So I agree that gives that picture the edge But if there's gonna be a surprise What would it be if it's not 12 years old

Well I hope it's not I thought American Hustle was a piece of shit I thought it was I didn't Boy I didn't see the any Look I thought it was the most overrated movie I've ever seen in my life I kind of felt that way

But I'm not like you know I'm not a movie critic. But I felt like I was missing something. I didn't get it. I just thought it was... I didn't think it was funny. I wasn't invested in any character. I didn't like any character more than the other one. That's not how I felt.

The big payoff, it was just like, oh, yeah, we were in a different office. I just didn't understand it. I didn't get it. It did nothing for me I think that Hollywood has a hard on for that David O. Russell director

of course and then of course all those people are hot Amy Adams is hot and Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper they're all great Lawrence

yeah Jennifer Lawrence of course she might I think she might get best would that be actress or supporting I think she was supporting

yeah she was pretty good in that filomena was my favorite movie of the year i like filomena again again i can't help but great story and stuff but i'm like okay but why is hollywood fixated on catholicism when there's another religion doing horrible things to gay people and uh i mean really you're taking a swipe at reagan it's 2014. Let it fucking go! Let it go! Hollywood's behind.

We'll do all the Muslim movies later. Well, Lone Survivor, that's about... Hollywood's behind? No, they're not behind. They're just not going to go near it. They're ball-less. Lone Survivor. Because they could die.

They're killing Muslims in Lone Survivor? That's something? People were upset about that? Muslim people? They're getting ambushed. I agree. I'm just saying. That's not... You it filled me as enjoyable though

it was oh it was absolutely funny there's laughs there's that that birth scene is the most disturbing scene i've ever seen in my life what was that i was out getting popcorn what happened was there a baby she gives birth the reverse birth it was terrifying they didn't really zoom in on it you're acting like you saw no i saw some lips you did it was wild yeah i saw the director's cut uh it was in a uh it was in a porn theater in the east village no that was a good story great story but i mean they got a malign you know it's just again it's to me it rings hollow when you have uh another religion causing havoc all over the earth to to but anyways how about captain phillips you like captain i like captain phillips that guy's nominated for best

supporting actor first movie he's ever been in yeah i know it's like you get the same reason you get bumped off last comic stanning weren't you replaced by a yeah a pirate from uh from somalia yeah somalian pirate i had a joke about somalian, and I can't remember what it was for the life of me. I was doing it. Remember those interview guys, interviewed us at Foxwoods? All right, you can't remember jokes, so we'll play a joke.

When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, Man overboard! Now what should you yell if a woman falls overboard? False feet ahead. It's the fourth show in a row I've played that. I thought that was a clip from your new album. No, you know what's funny? That was actually appropriate. We were talking about

Captain Phillips. It was a boat joke. That was pretty good. I have four Paul Lynn clips here. I just happened to hit that one. Remember Paul Lynn? Paul Lynn's a big gay, right? Oh, the funniest guy alive, though. Yeah. One of the funniest.

I say though, like gay people can't be funny. But he's dead now, right? Oh, hell yeah. He's been dead forever. Dead of AIDS. Yeah. Back then they called it cancer. Oh, boy.

No. Don't you find? You set me up beautifully. You you brought up captain phillips and i had a boat job perfect come on i might submit this show to the academy of radio and uh captain phillips evidently a big asshole oh yeah well obviously so he will say my buddy sailed with him are you hanging out with alan hale really i'm serious i i friends with all these merchant marines i read all that in the paper i mean they said he was a real yeah mama luke he's a real dick the mama look of the year you gotta be uh so captain phil but i enjoyed it but tom hanks i thought he should have been not he was a

spectacular at the end that's how he's got two under his belt they're like yeah exactly he's gonna make another aids movie but he'll get another one when he gets old it's all that shit when he's old and comes back they'll they'll play one for him let's talk about uh robert redford in uh all is lost i called you and said this is a shit performance i think he stinks and what do you what do you have to say about robert redford i've been saying that since i was 12 seriously i saw him in barefoot in the park i was 12 and i this guy sucks sometimes i can't act to save his fucking life sometimes i think the general public is just like the industry where they just need to hear it first and then they're like yeah all right i think that too we got to get the word

out on this robert redford and i'll tell you who's next george clooney very one-dimensional brought up two of the biggest liberals in hollywood you see do you see how who gets rewarded what he's just george clooney is just, he's just George Clooney all the time. No acting chops. I like Clooney. He's okay, but he's not great. Nah, he's an old-fashioned movie star. I like that he's got the good-

Redford can't carry his goddamn- But Clooney's got the good looks, and I love that he fucks- I like Clooney. He seems like a fun guy. He's a prankster. He doesn't get married. He fucks all the chicks. Does he ever.

Lake Como's filled with his jizz. But Monuments Men is the worst piece of shit I've ever seen. I wouldn't go see. Hey. I'm on the road. I got time to kill, baby. I don't drink. Chase and Art.

It just sounds boring. I wouldn't watch my wife chase Art. He has a paint by numbers. I'll throw it in the front lawn. Go get it. It stinks. But Redford stinks. That movie, all is lost.

He can't act. He never could. He stinks. Watch Cassidy. He was all right. Yeah. Great movie. The Stingy's pretty good. Ah, St never could. He stinks. Which Cassidy he was all right. Yeah, great movie. The Stingy's pretty good.

Ah, Stingy. Stinky. Which American Hustle is just trying to be the Sting. Is that what that was trying to be? I'm a real film fag here. I feel like I'm going to catch a lot of flack from your fans. You got rabid, angry fans. No.

Are you the one saying fag all the time? I said fag twice. Three times now. You've been throwing it out. I'm believable today. 11, 12 times. But I also voted for Jill Stein. I did tooag twice. Three times now. You've been throwing it out unbelievable today. 11, 12 times. But I also voted for Jill Stein. I did too, by the way.

And I said Matthew McConaughey should win Best Actor, so I think I'm alright. What's that got to do? He's not gay. He plays a gay. No, he doesn't. And I love the... He doesn't play a gay. He plays a guy who hates kids. Whatever. See that? You just assumed he was gay because he had his character at AIDS. That's stereotypical horseshit. That's

my least favorite part of that movie, by the way, is when he puts the fucking big redneck in the arm lock. The guy's at AIDS for like nine years and he just puts a cowboy in the arm lock. He's like, this seems a little ridiculous.

His arm would have broken off like a well-cooked chicken wing. Speaking of which, are we eating here? I'm starving. All right. Andy. Do you hear this guy?

I know, yeah, the show's, you know, we can cut it here. Well, I'm having fun. It's not, I know, we can cut it here. Well, I'm having fun. It's not, I know. You're full of good stories. I got some stories.

I have a podcast called Tuesdays with Stories. Can I plug it? Go ahead. I'd love to have you do it sometime. I will do it. All right. I just, you know me. I have to change flights to get to the city.

I live six minutes from Albany. It's not. I was just in Albany last week. Yeah, I heard. It's a fun club. Yeah. Insulting offers. It's not... I was just in Albany last week. Yeah, I heard. It's a fun club. Yeah. Insulting offers. It's not big enough for them.

I know you brought it up and said it's much better, but... It's a great room because it seats like 160, so it's like a city club. It's fucking hot. Joe, I don't get out of my bed for less than five times, you know.

Oh, boy. Well, anyways, I have a podcast called Tuesdays with Stories. It's available on iTunes. Is that a play on Tuesday with Maury? Tuesdays with Maury. People hate the title.

One guy tweeted at me. He said, the show is as great as the title is bad. So people love the show. What? He complimented you? Yeah. I'm sure there are other comments. That's the worst one you can give us?

Oh, some people. Making fun of the title? I don't recognize these people. Some of these people are these internet trolls from these, they say really mean things to me. Well, that's why I'm telling you you gotta load up that's what you do you get on your front lawn and just how about this i know you love these sort of things i tweeted the other day carrie kennedy found innocent i said everything always works out well for the kennedys and then i get some retweets whatever someone tweets at me yeah except for the part where they die young and horribly so you will be ironic so i

wrote back pick up on your irony i wrote back i go what do you mean which ones and then she didn't respond i did that one time when steve jobs died i said tonight i'm donating all my cd sales to the family of steve jobs and some some woman, I don't think he needs it. He's a billionaire. Oh, that's why Colin Quinn is the master of the universe. He picked up on that on day one of Twitter. Right. He goes, oh, I get to fuck with all the people that don't have a sense of irony in the world,

which is 98% of the population. Right. And it really, boy, you post anything political, at least when you have my political leanings. You just imply anything in a tweet. And boy, do you get a lot of mileage out of it. But you engage now. You engage on Twitter. I read your feed sometimes.

It's hilarious. Today I do. Today I did. But I lay off it. I used to get into it. I've gotten into it before. But then it's a slippery slope. And I have too much anxiety.

I never feel like I want. I feel like I'm like, I hate this guy. So I end a slippery slope and you never, I can't, I have too much anxiety. I never feel like I want, I feel like I'm like, I hate this guy. So I ended up just, no, you can't, you can't. When I first started doing it,

I would like get into pissing arguments. Right, right. And I'm like, what am I doing? Yeah. Do you understand? You don't know if it's a 12 year old kid.

Well, they're just trolls. That's their life is to just shit on people. And you really want to beat that, you know, but like today I get up, sometimes I get, somebody comes that, you know. But like today, I get up. Sometimes I get, somebody comes after me unprovoked. That's when I get pissed.

And I see like an Asian chick. I go, oh, she's kind of cute. And I read what she posts. You know, it was a notification of me. You're an underrated, you're definitely an underrated comedian and underrated asshole. That's a nice thing. It is?

Yes. Underrated comedian is a compliment. I shouldn't have told her to fuck? Yes Underrated comedian Is a compliment I shouldn't have told her To fuck off? Underrated comedian Is a compliment And an underrated asshole Underrated asshole is nice

Because people You should be getting More hoopla For being an asshole You know like How is being an asshole Nice Joe? What are you

Bought into this shit? You're underrated As an asshole She's being It's like a zing It's like a fun Alright see I do get Hypersensitive No I don't see The positive there I think Well you have You're underrated as an asshole. She's being like, it's like a zing. It's like a fun. All right. See, I do get hypersensitive.

No, I don't see the positive there. I think, well, you have, sometimes you get stuff that's compliments from fans and then you just lose it. I've noticed, I've had this before. Compliments from fans? Give me an example. The people that love you that think they're ball busting, but Bobby will do it too. They're just like, fuck that fucking piece of shit. I'm like, no, this guy loves you.

He thinks he's being fun. Yeah. Wow. Remember you had the one, the woman that wanted to get, you just sign her leg that fucking piece of shit. I'm like, no, this guy loves you. He thinks he's being fun. Yeah, well. Remember you had the woman that wanted to get, you just sign her leg to get it tattooed. Yes. And you wouldn't come out. Yeah.

So now she hates you. Yeah. This woman was willing to have your name tattooed on her. Yeah, but I didn't like her. No, she said something. The doorman came in and said, she said, I forget why I didn't want to do it. Yeah, then she trashed me.

Whatever. But theian girl today he said yeah you're underrated comedian an asshole so she canceled to me the asshole part cancels out the compliment at the beginning oh the comedian's way more important someone could tell me i'm a great comedian and say i'm a dickless fag who shits on people i i i reply back i go uh excuse me me Angela people are men are talking here that's my standard whenever a chick gives me shits oh that's funny

why'd she call me an asshole again Toronto she's Canadian oh jeez probably doesn't like me because I'm for free speech

these Canadians have been all uppity since Argo came out is that right I don't know how about him I feel like I'm bombing you're not on joe this is not a everything's a set for joe you are kind of bombing so let's play uh we need some comic relief

we race for the car miriam paul in please paul truer falls there is a new bra on the market that squeaks in various musical tones the hills are alive bra on the market that squeaks in various musical tones. The hills are alive. He's beautiful. He's beautiful. Yeah, that's not bad. Oh, I love him.

Love him. That sounds like a hot crowd, though. Well, it's a TV tape show. I can never get on that's not bad. Oh, I love them. Love them. That sounds like a hot crowd, though. Well, it's a TV tape show. I could never get on that show either. What are you talking about? I'm just having trouble getting on TV. Oh, Kenny Rodgers had a brutal line about the... Nah, forget it. So I think we've covered everything.

Your Indian roommate. Yeah. Who do you have for best picture again? Best picture, I got like 12 Years a Slave. Best actor, I like McConaughey. Best actress, I'm hoping for Dame Judi Dench. You're really going out on a limb with a lot of these. Well, this is who I think.

It's the way the critics think on the paper, too. Come on, surprise me. No, you're right. I'm someone who can't. Wolf of Wall Street, what did you say about that? How about Jonah Hill? I love it. I think that the best supporting actor...

Wait, now I already forget. I think it goes to Carl Malden. I think the guy... What's the guy from... Oh, Jared Leto was going to win for sure. They love the cross-dressing lady. Of course. That's why the Academy can only take it for a grain of salt.

I mean, with a grain of salt, because they're... You know what I mean? It's all about content, because they're, you know what I mean? It's all about content, what they feel is important and shit, instead of judging on what it is. I do think they're getting— It's a contest about acting and about movie making. I do think they're getting— Your personal feelings on what you think is and isn't important politically. I think they've been getting better, though.

Dickheads. No Country for Old Men won. They had two violent movies win back-to-back years. They're parted in No Country for Old Men won. They had two violent movies, Back to Mac Years Departed and No Country for Old Men which used to be rare. And like the English patient beating Fargo was an atrocity. But I think they're getting better.

I don't know. I just want to be in the union. I just want to be successful. Alright. I know Seinfeld's your favorite TV show. By far, yeah. I know, which I don't get.

I think it's amazing. It's a great show. Changed my whole life. By far. Changed your life. Of course, yeah. A show about nothing changed your life? It's the biggest influence of my whole life.

There you go. What changed it? What are you talking about? You don't shit in girls' shoes anymore. Who told you not to do that? Costanza? That's the biggest influence in my in my comedy i wanted to be the character this guy he's got this he's fucking all these hot chicks he's got fun neighbors he never really works he has money lives in new york he's a comic he's doing stand-up

no i love the show don't get me wrong i'm just saying i i got a few ahead of it and their uh sense of humor is Is I reference that show Every single day I know you do Yeah And you get bumped off Last comic standing Yeah well

I'm making a big comeback This is my year everybody Hey let me plug my dates Joe can you hand me that book That blue date book Alright Over there I feel like this is a trick

No no trick All of a sudden The fucking couch blows up This one Yeah Is that 2014 I don't know How about me I don't even know my

dates oh this is 13 is there another one over there yeah don't worry about it anyways this uh when is it what's uh what's the date no not this week today's march 2nd okay march 13th which is a friday night i'm gonna be at the suffolk Theater in Riverhead, New York. And on the 14th, I'm doing the, it's called like the Worcester Comedy Festival at the Palladium in Worcester, Massachusetts. Oh, wow. With Lenny Clark and a few of the Boston legends. Wow, Lenny Clark.

It's in a big theater. That's amazing. So, yeah, Those are my... And after that, I don't know. Side splitters in Tampa. I'm doing that with you. Are you coming down? Yeah.

Bobby called me. I'm going to do that with you. I think we're going to go to minor league baseball. Yes. Right? Yes. I'm going to rent a car and make a vacation out of it. He wants...

You know, he wanted me to stay... I like Bobby. He owns side splitters. He's a great guy. But I want to stay in a hotel. He wanted me to stay at his new house. Oh. He's got this beautiful... No, I know stay in a hotel. He wanted me to stay at his new house. Oh. He's got this beautiful,

no, I know. I don't want to see the guy booking me his balls because he's getting out of the shower. Yeah, any sharing of homes, I'm not into.

So, yeah, he's a great guy, though, and that's good. You're going to be down there with me. Yeah, I'm excited about it. We'll go to some ball games. How about Tempe in April?

I think I could do that, but then I never heard from your that, but then I never heard from your agent, and then I got... You have an agent now. I got an agent now. It's very exciting. But I booked...

I'm going to be at Go Bananas that weekend recording my CD. Oh, there you go. When I'm in Tempe? I think so. April 24th to the 27th. Maybe. Anyway, so yeah.

Anyways, River... I think it's River... I hope I'm getting the time right. Riverhead. It's down by Sag Harbor. It's the Suffolk Theater on the 13th and the 14th. I hope it's not the 14th and the 15th. Check out at nickdip.com.

You can get all my dates. Anyways, Joey, thanks for making the effort, brother. Yeah, thanks for making the effort. Jesus, it sounds like I failed. What? Making the effort. What do you mean? That sounds like I stunk.

Oh, my God. You're the most paranoid, insecure fucking guy. I'm saying you drove all the way up here from Queens. Thanks for making the effort. That's worse than underrated asshole. That's brutal. Oh, my. Are you hearing this?

This is why he's a comic. They're going to be on my side on this. What is your skin? Made of rice paper, you fuckhead? Oh, my God. I don't know, but it's really itchy. Thanks for coming up. This is a great podcast.

Yeah, well, I'm happy to come up anytime. I'd love to be up here. What are you kidding? I want to get this place. It's the 11th time I've asked him. I want to get this place in the will. I finally get him up here. Yeah, you asked me.

You go, you want to do the podcast in 10 minutes. He goes, I can't. I'm watching The Sting with my girlfriend and my life partner. I need one day's notice. I'm here, baby. I know. All right. Anyways, thanks a lot.

You were terrific. Thanks. Fucking knee's notice. I'm here, baby. I know. All right. Anyways, thanks a lot. You were terrific. Fuckin' knee slap funny. Thanks, Nick. You're the best. Tuesdays with Stories on iTunes. Excuse me. Excuse me. All right, kids. Until next time, take care of yourselves, wash your filthy asses, and that's about it.

Good day, everybody. Good night. Until we, everybody. Good night. Until we meet again. Adios. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. guitar solo Outro Music