The Nick DiPaolo Show - 020 - Generation Jerk-Off

Episode Date: March 11, 2014

Generation Jerk-Off

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey kids, how are ya? It's Nick DiPaolo, long time no speaky. What's going on? Lots going on, huh? First of all, you got Putin on the move, and you got a Malaysian airline. Plane just disintegrates. Hmm. Wonder what happened there.

And I'm really tired. I'm sure you can pick up on it. Once again, sound asleep from about, oh, I don't know, 1 till exactly, what was it today? Right around 4.30, I wake up for no goddamn reason, and then the mind starts racing. I'm telling you, I can't do pills because I've tried that, and i told you what ambien does whatever the fuck's in that makes me cuckoo makes me like jesse pinkman just cuckoo fucking nuts i don't know if it's the ephedrine i i can't take those nose sprays either you know the uh ephedrine in it makes me crazy it makes me just like uh it's like meth for me it makes me nuts but uh i'll get into that in a few minutes let me let me get the business out of the way because last time i forgot to do the plugs and how to tack them on the end

like a real ass and i mean obviously advertisements are the most important thing are they not i mean allows me to make $12, $13 a month doing this. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. This episode of the Nick DiPaolo podcast brought to you by Squarespace. That's right, folks, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. For a free trial and 10% off your first purchase, go to squarespace.com and use offer code Nick, N-I-C-K. I mean, have you ever tried to build your own website? I haven't.

I wouldn't even attempt it. I had trouble with Legos as a kid. I'm not going to try to build a fucking website. I know people who have the ability to do it and they've tried and almost lost their minds in doing so. It's not that easy. Okay, that's why we have things like Squarespace. Squarespace is constantly improving their platform with new features, new designs,

and even better support. They have beautiful designs for you to start with and all the style options you need to create a unique website for you or your own business. It's incredibly easy to use, I'm told. But if you want some help, Squarespace has an amazing support team that works 24-7 for you unhip cats. That's 24 hours a day, seven days a week, man.

I mean, really, man, where can you find service like that? Over 100 Squarespace employees are on the customer care team. It's based right here in New York City. It starts at just $8 a month and includes a free domain name if you sign up for a year. Pretty cool, huh? Every design automatically includes a unique mobile experience that matches the overall style of your website. So your content will look great on every device every time. And it really does.

It's no bullshit. I know people who use these guys. Start a trial with no credit card required and start building your website today. When you decide to sign up for Squarespace, make sure to use the offer code Nick, N-I-C-K, to get 10% off your first purchase and to show your support of the Nick DiPaolo podcast. We thank Squarespace for the support of the Nick DiPaolo podcast. Squarespace, everything you need to create an exceptional website. Do it today, kids.

Sure. So, I woke up today to a cold house as I'm going to bed last night. You know, I can't believe in the 21st century here in the United States of America, right, where we're just light years above everybody, supposedly, technology-wise, and we can't come up with a better boiler system. I have steam heat. House is built in 37, I told you that. But, you know, it runs on oil, the boiler, obviously.

And every once in a while, I told you, when I went on vacation in January with my wife, I kept saying, I hope the boiler doesn't stop running, because every once in a while it'll get a clog on the line, the fuel line, you know. And no, I'm not going to disassemble it and blow it out with an air hose and all that shit. That's what I pay the company to do. But anyways, it happened to us when we were in St. Barts. I had mentioned on the way out the door, my wife's like, oh, you got nothing to worry about.

It's running fine. We come back, it was 49 degrees. Dead penguins in my kitchen and polar bears crying in the basement. It was fucking frigid. But anyways, I'm going to bed last night and I checked the thermostat as a responsible man of the house and there's a little arrow that points at the number

of the temperature the little arrow uh means the boiler is running but i see the little arrow but i don't hear any boiler running so i'm here we go got downstairs there's a red light blink and there's like an eight step program that you have to follow to reset it it's just so fucking antiquated in my opinion i don't know we have two giant tanks one's like 575 and the other one's like 250 two different oil tanks under the house somewhere it's just crazy crazy. It's an old house. But I mean, it works for the most part. But anyways, so I do, I follow the 19 steps, you know, to reset it.

And of course it locks me out. Whatever the fuck. So I let the old lady know, I said, you're going to wake up tomorrow. You can be able to see your breath. So don't get your panties in a bunch. And she's actually better, you know know dealing with the shit than i am she has all the manuals i can never find the manuals i don't read the shit i'm like a guy you know i'll figure it out then i'm trying to read the directions on the you know on the side of the

where the button is the reset button it's got grease on it and shit from fucking eight years ago i'm just pushing away and things giving me the finger telling me to fuck off and um so well you know i went to bed and uh then like i said i woke up at 4 30 couldn't sleep went out just to i was curious and when i went to bed it was 66 degrees that's what i put it on and uh it was down to 63. So it was dropping a degree an hour. And I figured maybe if I can get back to bed until noontime, I'll wake up to 11 below. So anyways, I have to get up this morning.

The first thing I have to do, it's on like 61. I have to make a fire in the wood-burning stove. I'm like fucking John Boy here. The year 2014. I'm rubbing two sticks together in my underwear get the house going and um yeah and we're out of wood firewood ordered like a quarter a half a cord whatever whatever we order every winter only been it's been such a brutal winter we're going through this shit like you know plastic wrap so

uh yeah we're down to the last uh got enough to get us through the month would i think anyways so then the wife gets up she goes downstairs and finds the manual which i couldn't find the next thing you know i hear the heat running so uh but still don't know why it shut off though must not have been a clog i don't know i'm just saying there's got to be a better way doesn't there then you know i don't know what it is and i'm not talking i'm not saying this out of you know uh because i think uh you know fossil fuels are ruining the world i'm not coming out from an anti-oil perspective i'm just saying there's a better and easier way uh there's like nine knobs on my wall to get out of my basement there's a there's nine walls the guy had to leave instructions the guy that sold us the house

is like two returns two shutoffs to everything because there's two tanks and uh put me in a fucking beautiful mood um so by the way uh this friday night if you want to see me in a beautiful mood go to the suffolk theater in uh riverhead new york which is way down the ass end of long island riverhead new york the suffolk theater it's a beautiful place friday the 14th that's's this Friday night I'll be there. And then Saturday the 15th, I'll be at the Palladium in Worcester, Massachusetts. The Worcester Comedy Festival with Lenny Clark and a few other Boston heavy hitters. Should be great. And if you're in the Tampa, Florida area, the 27th through the 29th of the end of the month,

I'll be at Sidesplitters, Tampa, Florida. All righty, enough of that. So yeah, anyways. So I go back to sleep, or I try to. And then about 7.30, the phone rings, and it's like the New York Post. I think I went over this. I have home delivery, and we go through this every winter

because I live on a, you know, down a windy dirt road in the woods. Um, there are some days where the kid can't get down there. And I understand that. I understand you're in a car and not a, you know, a luge, but, um, you know, a day or two after it, a day after it snows, it's always plowed, but the kid uses it as an excuse not to deliver my paper to my house for the next, now what's going on, a month. He leaves it up by my mailbox, which is a quarter mile from my house. So the road has been clean for a month. And this lazy prick, or maybe he doesn't speak English, I don't know what the fuck his problem is. But he keeps leaving it up by my mailbox, which is illegal, by the way, but I don't know what the fuck his problem is, but he keeps leaving it up on my mailbox,

which is illegal, by the way, but I don't want to be total. So finally, I called some woman at the post, a corporate woman. They gave me her number, and, you know, that was two weeks ago and still wasn't being delivered.

Then finally, she calls a guy, I guess her boss. His name isim post not i don't know who he is but uh i i wake up and today i have a newspaper in my driveway where it belongs and it turns out it was her boss he delivered it just to see what the hell is going on meanwhile i go by my i go by my uh mailbox and i see today's paper under the mailbox so the kid brought it and left it at the mailbox again and his boss who's supposed to get to the bottom of this brought it to my house to just see how difficult it was but i thank him for the effort but it's just another symptom of a country that's going in the shitter.

There's no, there's no, there's no service anymore. I mean, having a paper to, I've gone through this like eight times with the, but it's just ridiculous and I need it for comedy. It's the post,

you know what I mean? But, um, yeah, just irritating as hell. So I wake up to a freezing house and, uh, I did have a newspaper and uh

to make the matters worse today was my my trip to the dmv in jamaica queens new york for a ticket i got back in november or whatever for speeding which i told you about so i had to go to uh you know the the Traffic Violations Bureau, which is on the second floor of the DMV in Jamaica, Queens, 168-35 Rockaway Boulevard, real beautiful neighborhood. And, again, only 45 miles from my house or 46 miles. And I do the first, I'd say, 39 miles in about 39 minutes, and then naturally, because no matter where you drive in New York,

no matter where, whether it's the West Side Highway, the FDR, the Triborough Bridge, there's nonstop construction. So I hit a standstill about six miles from the DMV, and that just put me in just a better mood, so it's just been a beautiful day. I get there. Maybe some of these have been there. I go to the second floor.

I'm there early. I left myself plenty of time. I'm very anal like that. I walk in there. It's like a third-world country, man. It's just 19 different languages, and I just, I smell shit the minute I step in there it's like a third world country man it's just 19 different languages and i just i smell shit the minute i step in there um of course i have to take a piss and as i'm walking towards the only public restroom there is i'm thinking it's going to be it's a public place it'll be

like four or five stalls i go it's just like one toilet it's got enough piss in it to last a lifetime and just smells like a dead monkey's ass. And I'm trying to hold my nose and hold my dick at the same time. My eyes are watering and it's like a third world country. You know, you can say what you want. You can make fun of Ohio and whatever the fuck. But if show business was anywhere near there,

I'd be living in columbus tomorrow okay i'm sick of hearing about how great new york is but it's got all the museums and the and art and culture i'll trade that for a 12 minute ride just yeah so I get there early and just looking around it's like yeah it's just a frightening place man so went in have my little hearing I don't know if I pleaded not guilty I know I was guilty but I figured just show up and you know did I, the guy got me doing to refresh your memory, got me doing 76 and a 45. And, um, it was right at the base of the Henry

Hudson bridge. You know, I'm talking about as you're heading out of New York on the West side, Henry, Henry Hudson, heading up to those holes. He got me at the base of that long rise. And, you know, it's 45. The speed limit's 45. If you went 45 there, you would be crushed, okay? 45 is like going backwards, okay? It's a straightaway. Everybody does no less than 65.

Apparently, he had me at 76. I plead not guilty. Do you ever watch it? I never really watch how this works, man. The cop shows up and he's got a stack of tickets and he addresses each one to the judge. And he, not my cop, the cop that was there before my cop. In other words, I was with the 230 group. The two o'clock group.

I was watching the last like 10 uh mini trials whatever you call them and the and the cops they just i was uh located at the southwest corner of 115th and lennox there's three lanes clearly mark and talking like a million miles a minute first they have to put their hands up and you know swear to swear to tell the truth and the whole truth and uh and then some of those people had lawyer but then i'm watching this hispanic guy and just i could just just the liberal politics that have brainwashed these people he's whining that he was pulled over because he's got brown skin and the cops have um the cops have bad tempers, just filled with liberal horse shit.

Just fuck it. I just felt like saying, if you're so miserable, then go the fuck back to where you came from. You know, speaking broken English. Yet he had the whining down perfectly that he was a victim and he was doing nothing wrong, pulled over. And then another guy after him had like a Jamaican accent, skinny young kid with glasses. And then another guy after him had like a Jamaican accent, skinny young kid with glasses. And he's got photos and evidence and shit and was making no sense. And you could see the cops just rolling his eyes.

And then, you know, the judge finds him guilty, too. And he starts cursing under his breath, like, come on the way to fuck down here. This is a waste of my time. I just if I said if I added one word like that to the judge as a white guy, they would have fucking thrown throw me in the slammer right there. Just the shit you get away with. I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear how racist this country is ever again. The double standards, the fucking whining.

You could just hear the liberal horse shit and guilt. Oh, I mean, barely being able to speak the language but have the victim thing done just painting themselves as victims and oh yeah I'm sure cops want to be out there three in the morning busting your balls like they don't have better shit to do then I get up there I don't know what I'm doing right I'm pleading not guilty and I then I raise my hand and then the cop makes his statement they said do you want to say anything I go go, nah, I got nothing to say. And the judge goes, you don't? Because I just figured it's not going to go my way.

You know, I was, well, I said, then I said, well, look, the only thing I have to say is he got me at 76. When I noticed him out of the corner of my eye, which is right when he pulled out, I looked down. I was at 66. So I think his gun's running a little hot, his radar gun, whatever. And the judge said, okay, I understand, blah, blah, blah, took it into account. And yeah, they had me at 31 miles an hour over the speed limit. That makes, that's an automatic eight points on your license. I thought it was six actually all right so um he reduced the points from eight to six and like an idiot i go i i said six i thought i thought i thought six was the max

he's like no and i just reduced it for you guys the judge is doing me a little bit of a favor and i'm about to piss him off oh i go oh thank you your honor and um and then he knocked the fine down which is outrageous it's like 283 he knocked it down to the bare minimum of 115 but then there's a bunch of surcharges that brings it up to like 203 and then when i get home my wife tells me i'm gonna get another uh hundred dollars a year for the next three years um charged to me by the state because of the six points i guess if you get a violation at six points it's an automatic 300 more i mean just porking me up the ass so that's what that comes out to like 503 for speeding quote unquote uh so but it is enough

it's such a miserable place it's such a miserable place it's like being scared straight it is enough, it's such a miserable place, it's such a miserable place, it's like being scared straight, it's enough to, to go 11 miles an hour, for the rest of my life, in Manhattan,

just a horrendous, stinky smelling place, and, and, I got to hand it to the cops, man, they got to deal with that shit, on the street, and then they have to go to these,

you know, and show up, and do this, and argue with that shit on the street. And then they have to go to these, you know, show up and do this. And argue with these people who you can barely understand. We're living in a third world. It is. It's like a banana republic. It's hilarious. Hilarious.

I still enjoy it. Don't get me wrong. I got to believe if I lived in Tulsa, you know, want to put a gun in my mouth. No offense, Tulsa. I've been there. I've played there. But I'm just saying. But this got to be a gun in my mouth. No offense, Tulsa. I've been there. I've played there. But I'm just saying. But this has got to be a happy medium.

You know? There's got to be a place where you can drive more than four miles without running into freaking construction. And, yeah. So that took me like all day. Got there early. I asked the guy how much it was to park he mumbled something i couldn't understand he had some i don't know seemed like an eastern european accent and then i asked him to repeat it and he rolls his eyes like i'm the problem guy's been in the country eight minutes but i'm the fucking problem i can't understand his r Russian accent or whatever the hell it was.

Anyways, so that was a beautiful day, huh? I wake up to a cold house, got a paper that I, I finally got a paper that I haven't seen in a month, and then went to the DMV and got socked. So what I'm going to do, though, and I think I told you guys in a prior podcast, the DMV and get socked. So, what I'm going to do though, and I think I told you guys in a prior podcast, I'm going to go online and take that class, you know, that

defensive driving thing where you can reduce points. I did it. It knocks like three or four points off your total. And I said I'd swear I'd never do it again because it's so just, oh, it's mentally draining and just boring and they don't let you they give you 30 seconds or a minute to answer the question even

though it's like what color is a stop sign and you answer it in one eighth of a second they don't let you go on to the next one till a minute it it says it takes three hours i think it took me like six it was i'm like oh i think i'd rather be thrown in jail but um guess i was lying so i might do that again to knock the points off you notice uh i've said all the things i'm gonna do except slow down while i'm driving can't you can't do it new york you get killed your mayor. What a choo-chee is, huh? Been reading the paper. He's shutting down charter schools, schools that have actually...

He's doing it in the name of unions, the people who put him in office. He's just fucking low-life scum. Ugh. Yuck. Soulless. And what else? I don't even have this story in front of me,

but, oh yeah, condoleezza rice was gonna give like a commencement speech at rutgers but now the fucking kids run on uproar and the faculty because you know she's a black conservative we can't have that on a college campus we'll have snooki we'll have snooki on let her her speak. That tanned fake Italian. Moron. But not Condoleezza Rice, not a woman who's actually achieved things that nobody has achieved before. No, we don't want her on the campus. Unbelievable.

Ugh. What the hell else? Who else is in the news? What a... Oh. how about Justin Bieber? I usually ignore the kid just, just looking at him because he reminds me of a girl I fucked. Um, in college. That's what he looks like. He looks like a, uh, he looks like a 18 year old girl. Um, you know, and I, I don, and I'm not into the hip-hop scene.

Not that he is either. I can't believe out of all the, you know, rappers that get shot and murdered that this fucker's as healthy as a... Been putting out music for the next 20 years. But he was in court recently. I don't know for what. What, weed in his house? Was that the thing? I don't know.

But what a punk. The lawyer's question. No, I think it was a photographer. One of his bodyguards beat up a photographer. I don't have the story in front of me. I'm not going to take the time to read it. I'll do that when I have a real radio show, okay? So don't hold it against me.

But what a punk. Let's so don't hold it against me. But what a punk. Let's play. They were asking him about, they were asking him questions about his bodyguards and I guess one of his bodyguards beat somebody up. That's why he was there. But listen to the, just the punky attitude on this prick.

You get career, do you know Raymond Usher IV? No. Do you know an individual that was entertained by the name of Usher? Yeah, Usher. That sounds familiar. Sounds familiar. What a punk. Isn't it true that Usher was instrumental in starting your career?

What does that have to do with this litigation, Mr. DeCowden? This is just you trying to harass the client. Before we came back here, you had asked me. Let her read back the question. Read back the question for the phone. I'll tell you what this kid needs. He needs this. What's the idea? get upstairs sit down that's what you do

I was found on YouTube I think that I was detrimental to my own career I'm sorry I can't hear you at all I'm sitting right next to you I think I was instrumental to my own career. Actually, what he said, he was detrimental to his own career, is what he said. Boy genius. He said he was found on YouTube, and he was detrimental.

He's already got weed brain. How old is the kid? What's he, 18, 20? He's already fried. Fucking not a genius to begin with but instrument I think I was instrumental to my own career. Thank you, sir. But my question was, was Usher, was he helpful to your

professional career? Yes. Yes. Is Usher a close friend of yours? Yes. Is Usher confident? I guess, yes Is Usher giving you career advice? Is this an interview or a deposition? I'm confused

Yes, sir Is this an interview or a deposition? I'm confused. Yes, sir. That's what he needs. Take that. No. That's what he needed. Moe Howard in there.

Hey, he wasn't even, and that wasn't even the worst clip i didn't even play the worst one because i was too lazy to pull up the next one but uh they were watching his uh bodyguard on like a flat screen tv they're playing a clip of the guard roughing somebody up and and the and the lawyer said i want you to look at this film and And Justin Bieber's like, oh, that's a film? Really? That's a film? I'm just being a, whoa, just fucking in need of an ass whipping. Oh, my God. Ugh. I don't get it with him.

I don't, I don't understand his success. I know like teeny bop of girls loved him because he's a pretty kid or whatever. But now he's past that stage. nobody can take him serious right obviously the hip-hop i know he i mean i don't he doesn't even sell tickets right his last album when writing the shitter or am i having a wet dream about that just el punko man. Of course, the kid became famous when he was 12, right? He's making adults tons of money, so they're sucking his ass since

he was 12. He doesn't live in the real world. He's just fucking totally out of it. Oh, go on TMZ and watch. I could have pulled more, but it's too much of a process on five-hour, four-hour sleep. Speaking of spoiled brats, then you had that chick.

Was it New Jersey? Sooner parents? How about this twat? What the hell's her name? Rachel Canning. She was like a wild child, you know? She didn't want to follow her parents' rules, so she moves in with her boyfriend.

And she's a 12th grader. She's 18. Suing her parents for the cost of her Catholic school tuition and other expenses, claiming that her folks threw her out of the house. Her parents said that she wouldn't follow the rules, you know. 11 o'clock curfew, and she just ignored all that shit. Her household chores.

But, you know, also in the article it mentions her parents admit to being liberal parents. Well, good, you know, you're getting what you fucking deserve. Should have shown her the backhand once in a while. Like my old man did. Look i turned out perfectly my dad took no shit my sister gina i told you in high school she was uh told my parents she was going to her friend's house my my parents call over there she's nowhere to be found she's up in new hampshire with the rest of the high school at uh the quarterback had a the quarterback's family had like a summer home update he was having a bash and anyways i waited uh waited to see my sister come home my

my father gave her a nice slap right across the face old school guinea but um the judge is telling this chick that she can go shit in her hat she left like a just an obscene message on her parents voicemail she she left what she did she went and moved in with her boyfriend and uh his parents but then went to another couple's house and moved in with them and the guy was was a lawyer, and he's the one who put up money so she could sue her parents. This scumbag. What the hell's he thinking? Again, nothing that couldn't be solved

with a couple of backhanders when she was young. A kick in the ass. Need one of these. Take that, you filthy. Go on! Yeah, so the guy that the couple that she

moved in with Inglacinos I don't know how you say his name. John that the couple that she moved in with, Inglesinos, I don't know how you say his name, John Inglesino, he financed her lawsuit fronted her 12 grand to hire a lawyer and sue her parents.

He's a well-connected Jersey GOP guy Republican I don't like imagine that said that her parents failed her they have legal obligations and they didn't fulfill those. And I apparently he's not clean either. His wife served wine coolers to 15 year olds

in a limo. And anyways Spoiled brat. And he's fronting the money, but he also told the court that he wants to be reimbursed. So he's a phony, too. I don't understand, man. So, yeah, she's a little spoiled brat, but she's got, you know, she's getting a lot of help from idiot adults, it sounds like.

But, yeah, be your kid's best friend. And that's what you're going to get. My old man was not my best friend. And had no intention of being there. He wasn't supposed to be. He's supposed to be your dad. And your mom. They're not supposed to be your best friends.

So, uh... She's kind of cute though but then again you know who isn't when they're 18 then you had massachusetts uh the top court in massachusetts recognize this guy michael richardson's constitutional right to uh use his camera to film up girls' skirts. But a couple days later, the Massachusetts lawmakers quickly resolved things when a new ban on upskirts, they call it. Yeah, they came up with a ban two days later. You can't film up a girl's skirt.

Come on, we're just having fun here. No, I mean, can you imagine we have to even... I mean, look, I'm no prude, but... And there's just guys. There's guys, they wait like at the bottom of escalators at malls and shit, and they just shoot up girl's skirts. Sorry, but I'm with the women on this one. That one should not be allowed.

Call me a prude. But the ruling, the logic of the high court in Massachusetts, it was weird. What the hell was the ruling, the logic behind it? Here's the logic. If a clothed person is out in public and reveals areas under their clothing, whether inadvertently or otherwise, to plain view, she or he no longer has an expectation of privacy, said Michelle Menken.

I don't know how that makes sense. Every time I hear rulings like that, and every time I listen to politicians speak, like Pelosi or Obama, I always hear Sonny Corleone going, when you go to college, you get stupid. Stupid. I always hear that when I'm listening to these idiots.

It really is true. It's like you go to college and they remove all common sense. Like all logic is just scrambled. Everything's upside down. It's really crazy. Gee, who would have guessed? You can't legally film up a girl's skirt? I mean, you could.

Whenever it involves like, you know, if some guy, some girl was filming a guy's balls at the beach, they probably wouldn't have, they wouldn't change the, they wouldn't overrule the supreme court two days later they'd be like that's a guy but that's the thing most girls don't do that we gotta admit fellas and i addressed that my new dvd which hasn't come out yet by the way

wanted to give you an update on that uh finished it this week the the editing. So they're sending me like the master tomorrow. So I think I'm done with all that. Now I have to get it to somebody to my, you know, representation to shop around. And a couple ways to go, you know what I mean? Maybe get it on Netflix or Epix or whatever.

Sell it right from my website. You know, the way Louis C.K., the pioneer, did. But we're getting very close. I just wanted to give you an update. It's a long process, I know. It didn't help that I went on vacation for a week and so did one of the guys that worked there. So what the hell else did I want to talk about?

Oh, the Malaysian airline. That, I don't think you got to be a detective to figure that one out either. I think Malaysia, it's like, has the highest Muslim population of any nation, doesn't it? Not that I'm saying that automatically leads to terrorism, but it sure helps the odds. Because I read where, you know, Al-Qaeda likes to hang. And then you got the two passports, the stolen passports. A guy from Austria had his stolen in Thailand, I guess he was, two years ago. And a guy from Italy just had his stolen a few months ago, also in Thailand.

And we know a lot of seedy shit goes on there. And the fact that this thing just disintegrated, they can't find anything. They're comparing it to Lockerbie, remember? Plate 103 over Scotland. Anything. They're comparing it to Lockerbie. Remember? Flight 103 over Scotland. And, I mean, I got to believe if I had to, you know, if I had to bet money, this is terrorist related because there's no warnings, no nothing.

Nothing from the pilots. Just, and they were talking about that a few months back, remember? Right before the Sochi Olympics about checking shoes and toothpaste and all that. That's what you forget. It's an ongoing thing.

You take your mind off it. That's got to be horrendous. Can you imagine waiting at the airport for relatives or something on a flight and something like that happens? Mama mia. So, yeah, they,

here we are on Monday night and they still haven't really, they thought they saw a couple oil slicks right off of, you know, Vietnam or whatever. Turns out somebody dumped a bunch of pot stickers in them. So that'll be interesting. See if they can put that together. It's not like they're going to be able to reassemble the plane.

You know? But who knows? It could have happened during the flight. You know? Somebody could have... Somebody working at the airport could have placed a the flight. You know, somebody could have, somebody could have, somebody working at the airport could have placed a bomb before it took off. You know, who the hell knows?

But what's amazing, they have those transponder boxes like when the Air France thing a couple years ago. Those things that land in the ocean and they ping. The ones they found after the Air France flight was pinging two years later. It was still pinging two years later it was still pinging so no but we're not gonna know about that what happened there for a long time

what the hell else um let me break up my notebook i'm looking you know i just put this this hour of material that i was working on the last couple of years to bed, so I've got to start over now, which makes for an interesting show for you people to come out to see me because I'll be throwing some stuff in there that's proven material, but then I'll be winging chunks of it, and that's where you'll either be really laughing or there'll be some serious dead spots. That's what makes this job fun.

But I was going through some of my notebooks because I have a bunch of notebooks that are filled, like a lot of comics do. They're not filled with the bits. They're filled with the premises that you never developed. What did I do with that? Hold on a second. Let me find this.

By the way, Joe lists you dead to me. I called you twice. I was going to have him come back on because we had such fun, and they never return my call. Ha! How dare he? Probably get, well, I was going to say he gets started early on St. Patrick's Day, but he doesn't drink anymore.

We can't use that as an excuse. Let's look at some of these premises. Maybe you guys can... Oh, my God. Is that an NSYNC reference? We'll be skipping over that. Here's something I started to touch on. Again, I didn't develop. These are just premises. I hate public television.

TVs are everywhere. Airports and the gym. These are my first thoughts that I jot down. This is a few years ago. Never anything you want to watch. It's always an infomercial of Mackenzie Phillips talking about how she got rid of her zits for 30 minutes.

Her career is skyrocketing because she ate too much chocolate as a kid. Quick, somebody rub some pizza on my forehead. Holy shit. Really put some effort into that one, didn't I? Britney Spears. This is when she was hot, apparently. This is an old notebook.

I said I want to kidnap her and feed her black coffee and prunes and let her fill my ice cube trays and make shitsicles what the fuck and i said i want her to be wearing that headset boy i'm basing this on an old video i know the headset like madonna i wanted to wear that while i'm banging her i don't know why then right below that it says double murder in queens lando lakes coupon i don't even know what that means here's another premise changing light bulbs

dash potato i do remember that that's when i was living in astoria and uh the light bulb busted then i broke it trying to get it out, so the metal part was still stuck in there, and my Greek superintendent told me the best way to do that is to peel a potato or wet a potato and stick it in there. I'm still glad he was dead serious. Leave it to the Greeks.

If I can make home fries, when you're trying to fucking change a light bulb. I never really developed that one. I had a lot of good stuff on Astoria, Queens, though. I remember living there and how you see, you know, like Muslims all dressed up and, you know, it's like,

it's like modern day meets the Bible, you know. See three wise men getting out of a Range Rover. I had all great stuff about that. That one I'm not going to read. That'll get me in trouble even now. Here's a bit about a radiator because when I was living in Queens,

this frigging radiator was the loudest. And I said, is this the best we can do in the year 2000 and wow this is 13 years ago is this the best we can do pumping hot water through a metal object why not have a fat guy come straight from the gym and stand next to my bed they radiate heat too this uh sounds like a cappuccino machine. I think I actually use that line in my DVD, my latest thing. Pregnant woman on subway.

I saw a pregnant woman on subway today. If subway is the only mode of transportation you can afford, you should really not be having another child. That should be the litmus test for planned parenthood they take you in an interview how do you get here today the e-train put your feet up on the stirrups bitch how'd you get here suv you can go i can see why some of these didn't make it to primetime again these are just the nuggets that you develop the stuff from. This one's just entitled Buffalo.

Oh, Buffalo Trip. It says, Coalsore, dog sled, suicide rate. Suicide rate between the bills and the weather. Nursing home. Oh, this is a bit i am gonna work on talk about how horrible i went to visit somebody in a nursing home how depressing it was let's see if i can find the some of these this can be developed um this is a weird podcast i know fucks but what are you gonna do

um this is a weird podcast. I know, fucks, but what are you going to do? Nursing homes. Here we go. One of my biggest fears is getting so old, your kids have no choice but to put you in a nursing home. Have you ever been to one of these death camps? Put your grandmother and try to explain to your grandmother it's not that bad. She's like, what's that smell?

Oh, that's just pine salt and death, Grammy. Really, it's a nice place. Meanwhile, you're looking out the window behind her and there's two orderlies. They're stacking bodies like sandbags on a swollen riverbank. There's always a 19-year-old Hispanic or black orderly taking care of them. Oh yeah. Nothing tells your grandparents you love them more than leaving them in the care of three teenagers who just got fired a week earlier from beating up

their boss at Sam goodies. That still is not even open anymore. This ain't a bad bit though. Come on. Uh, you know, as soon as the families leave the nursing home, these kids are taking out their frustrations of 300 years of oppression

by playing a drum solo on your grandmother's ass with a stainless steel bedpan. I love it. There we go. Medieval restaurant. Have you ever been to the Medieval Times restaurant? Again, this is from Buffalo. If I want to watch two people joust to the death while I'm eating, I'll go to my parents' house for dinner.

I can't really enjoy my herb-roasted chicken with the Palomino's balls in my face. What the fuck? Ah, I deserve one of these. What do you grab? Um. Security at airport. Here we go.

Wait a minute. Here's some more shit. Tanning bed. Here's a... Top my jaw to down. I'm a tanning... Apparently the guy some more shit. Tanning bed. Here's a... Don't my jaw to down. I'm a tanning... Apparently the guy that was in the tanning bed before me jerked off in it. I opened it up.

It looked like the grill at Denny's. 50 miniature pancakes. A&E serial killers. I was watching something on A&E apparently. And it says, This guy was luring young girls out of malls by telling them he owned a modeling agency and then having sex with them.

I know I'm supposed to be appalled when I'm watching this, but I find myself taking notes as I'm watching. It says right here on my notepad, get van, crutches, and fake cast. That's how, you know who. Who was the real charismatic guy that killed all those girls down in Florida? Bundy, Ted Bundy. Remember, he's the one that had, didn't he?

I think it was him. He had the fake, he had like a van, and he'd pretend he's the one that had didn't he I think it was him he had the fake he had like a van and he pretend he was moving a couch trying to lift it into the van he had like a fake cast on his hand somebody would come and help him and then he'd kidnap him boy security at airport

has any by the way if you're just tuning in folks I'm doing premises that I'm finding in old notebooks. Has anybody put anything in your bag? Yeah, I think if the jihad wanted to make a political. Oh, this is when I flew up to Buffalo in a tiny American Eagle plane. One of those like 10 seaters.

And I say, yeah, I think if the jihad wanted to make a political statement to the world, blowing up a 12-seat American Eagle twin prop commuter plane five minutes out of Albany would really be their first choice. Yeah, why go after Air Force One with the president and vice president on it when you can go after a plane carrying the headliner from the Funny Bone in Buffalo and his opening act sh Shucky Ducky. What the fuck? Oh, that one I can't read. That would get me in trouble.

No wonder why I'm having trouble with my career. Some of the shit is horrendously mean. Aisles at drugstores. You look down the drugstore aisle, it says men's needs and women's needs. Oh, my God, I didn't develop that. Oh, I remember.

I don't have it written down, but it's like, yeah, you look down the women's aisle, and there's like 19 kinds of douches and tampons, 16 million different conditioners, all kinds of soap, all kinds of douches and tampons, 16 million different conditioners, all kinds of soap, all kinds of makeup. Look down at men's aisle, there's like a frozen pizza, a jar of Vaseline, and a poster of Britney Spears.

What else do we got? This is fun, porno on the net, never know what to say after sex with a stranger, that's why I don't date, I just, oh, I don't like that awkwardness after, this might have made it to one of my CDs, I don't like the awkwardness after you have sex with a stranger. That's why I don't date anymore. I just look at porn on the internet. The only voice I want to hear after I come is goodbye. Remember AOL? Youngteens.com. I think some of these made it to my, actually made it to the public. Youngteens.com. They fool you with the names of the porn sites. They're always very deceiving. This one's called youngteens.com, but it's never a young teen.

Yeah, I think this is on one of my DVDs. 52-year-old. It's a 50-year-old woman. Oh, my God. How scary is this? I'm 52. Do you understand? I wrote this probably 12 years ago.

I'm saying it's always a 52-year-old. Do you understand? I thought that was old then. It's what I am now. Oh, my God, how depressing. That makes me sick. This is more appropriate for this bit. 52-year-olds and pigtails.

With a Dawson. That's right, youngteens.com. Oh, yeah, baby, do it one more time. Oh, shit. Yeah, so the premise of the bit is they deceive you. It's not a young chick. It's a 52-year-old woman. They put her in pigtails, and they put a Dawson's Creek poster behind her. She just had hip surgery.

She's trying to play with herself. She can't even lift her left leg. It's not even a dorm room. You realize it's a nursing home, rec room. You look at the table next to your bed. There's a dildo, a whip, and a pair of false teeth. Here's one. Lifetime.

Talking about the network. Lifetime. Television for women who hate cock. I'm going to come out with my own channel the purple vein network women with epilepsy what the fuck what this is really the ramblings of a psycho saw a woman having seizure pulled wallet out of her mouth what the i don't even know what that means you You're supposed to put the wallet in them. Oh, my God.

Listen closely, folks, because I'm going to bring some of these back. Not bring them back. They never actually made it, most of them. That's one old notebook. Let's see what we got here. Oh, the Oprah pie story. There was a story that Oprah, I was watching Oprah one day,

and she told a story. She had this woman, this lesbian, who had a pie. She used to make pies at some, I forget what city oprah came to visit ordered the pie and absolutely loved it and plugged it and and it was the most politically correct story that was the gist of the whole thing i'm not going to do it justice here but of course the woman and i mean not a good-looking lesbian she looked like you know skipper from gilligan's island and her girlfriend was even uglier and they but oprah plugged their pies and then they sold like you know 5 000 the next week and they they did a magazine it turned into it turned them into

famous pie makers or whatever but they they hired handicapped kids and it was the most politically correct it just made me crazy everybody else probably think it was a feel-good story but it was so pc it was making my fucking skin crawl and i remember the end of the punchline going do you really want to eat a pie with some you know mongoloid is sticking his fucking filthy fingers in it it was a little more clever than that but i'm just saying it was it was the whole gist of the thing was how politically correct Oprah was in this story and I people would just crack up halfway through the story I don't know why that one didn't make it I gave up on it I'm talking about uh what's this oh they did a study they did a study and if it was psychologists whoever, a broken heart hurts as much as physical pain.

And I remember, sort of remember that bit. I said, that's total horseshit. If I was a soldier and I get captured by Al-Qaeda and I had a choice between them reading a Dear John letter or hooking my balls up to a car battery. I forget the rest of it. Housewives of Beverly Hills. Oh, I'm talking about how vapid a society. Taliban has a point. Access Hollywood or Hollywood Access,

whatever the name of the show. I actually write in parentheses music. Tonight, what Rebecca Romaine, would access whatever the name of the show i actually write in parentheses music tonight what rebecca romaine what rebecca romaine stamos eats to keep her fanny tight and her stools loose also why natalie portman is steaming mad at her yoga instructor meanwhile there's a family in libya hiding in their basement for six weeks living on rat turds. What? I'm comparing how good we have it here to other places. Here's one

that I should have fully developed. A cab driver. I remember watching the news. This is true. A cab driver, a New York cab driver witnessed somewhere in Brooklyn or something a man shouting at his daughter they were having a fight in the street and the guy pulls out a gun I've witnessed somewhere in Brooklyn or something, a man shouting at his daughter. They were having a fight in the street, and the guy pulls out a gun,

shoots his daughter in the head, and then drops to his knees and then shoots himself in the head in front of a train station. I forget if it was Brooklyn or where it was. And the cab driver said, I remember this, I'd never seen that before, and I hope never to see it again. Sure enough, the very next day.

I mean, come on, what are the odds you're going to see that again? Like there's another witness going, ah, that's the fourth time this week that I've seen that on that corner. There was something there that I was too lazy to develop. that I've seen that on that corner. There was something there that I was too lazy to develop. I hope you guys are enjoying this. Otherwise, it's going to be horrendous.

I've got to wrap it up anyway, so I'm running on... Snot bubble. Lady sneezing her nose. Oh, that's a true story. There's a lady. This Asian lady sneezed, and a snot bubble came.

I don't know if it was a snot bubble. It came off her tongue. It wasn't a snot bubble. And it floated across the aisle and landed on my hand. I'll never forget it. And I said it wasn't a little one either. You could see a rainbow in it when I turned on my reading light. Here's another premise that i haven't developed yet when people go he's a great guy he never has a bad word to say about anybody and i say sounds like a phony fuck to me if that's how you measure great people if that's the measuring stick for a person who is good or bad, then I'm a fucking asshole, because that's all I do is badmouth people.

And then me in a car, it says, look at that douchebag on the red convertible. Get a load of the teeth on this ass. That's all I wrote for that joke so far. Ugh. That's all I wrote for that joke so far. Israeli arming the soldiers with cell phones. Calling ahead before bombs. AT&T not enough bars.

I don't know what the hell that means. And then I get something about, how about when you ever misjudge when you're booking a flight or something? You're like, you pick, you know, the best, you're like 8.30, yeah, that sounds great. Then when you hang up, you realize that you live an hour from the airport um which and you have to be there an hour early so that means you have to be at the airport at 7 30

which means you have to leave your house at 6 30 which means you have to get up at probably six or quarter of so you go from being excited yeah i, I landed, I picked a great time, to a fucking, being depressed. Well, there's something in there, folks. Again, these are things that didn't quite make it. Um. Huckabee has his own band. Yeah, that's a way for the GOP to win back the young vote have Huckabee's band covering a Zeppelin

tune what the fuck ah Bennett just says here and scribbled I mean I'm telling you if they find this thing I think I'm a serial killer I love to say to conceited girls you look like that movie star uh John Goodman

ah Love to say to conceited girls, you look like that movie star, John Goodman. Greta Van Susteren. She tells the stories that you've just heard all day. Blood Money. She always has in-depth stories about celebrity deaths. She's like a buzzard circling the desert over dead carcasses. like a buzzard circling the desert over dead carcasses. Pelosi, it just says, dash, yep, let's put a woman in charge of spending. Then it just says here, white pilots and white quarterbacks, love them. that's not even my writing though somebody trying to ambush me

remember when the mortgage crisis was going on and and some people's houses were you know people were upside down with their mortgages but like the neighbor next door when you'd actually be paying for your neighbor's mortgage you know through that plan they came up to save those i said i don't mind paying for my neighbor's mortgage now i can walk into his house anytime and make myself a sandwich watch his tv come in with his wife i'm like uh where where have you two been as long as you're living under my roof you'll follow my rule what the fuck? I'm banging his wife.

That was the joke. I was at a sushi shop in Philly. This is true. A guy came in. He looked like he was homeless. He smelled like weed and he filled out a job application. When he left, I said to the guy, you should hire him.

And the guy said, why? He said, because obviously he's good at rolling shit. That was more like a one-liner. That's about it. I got a whole bunch more. I got two, three notebooks here. American Idol shows how soft we've become. Kids break into tears

after Simon Cowell said said he didn't sing well. They should use WW2 vets for judges. I'd love to see the look on some kid's face.

On some guy's face who did seven years in a Japanese prison. What the fuck? I have no idea. And, uh... That's it. All right, kids.

You've been great. Again, if you're around this Friday night on the 14th, I'll be at the Suffolk Theater, Riverhead, New York, which is down on Long Island, and then the Palladium in Worcester, Massachusetts, Saturday the 15th, the Worcester Comedy Festival, I believe that is. I got to look at the contract.

Then 27th through 29th of March, I'll be at Sidesplitters in Tampa, Florida. So if you're in the area, come on out. That's it. It's been a long day, a depressing day, I think I covered everything, didn't I, I did,

I got the plugs in, I read the spot, right, something, I feel like I'm forgetting something, this is what happens, when you're like on three hours sleep, just retarded,

I've knocked over two glasses of soda today, a bottle of water. Just like a 90-year-old man. Anyways, I will talk to you kids next time. Until then, get that shit out of the corner of your eyes, will you? Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir. I'll be this way. guitar solo I'm out.