The Nick DiPaolo Show - 021 - Green Day

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

Joe List returns      RiotCast.com

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello again, hello Just called to let you know I think about you every night And when the time is right I don't know the rest of the word Anyways, how are you folks? Neil Diamond here For Depends

It's the Nick DiPaolo podcast On the air, happy St. Patrick's Day You motherless, titless wonders My guest today, the very Irish, the very Bostonian Joe List is back in the house after getting an overwhelming response on Twitter. Oh, wow.

They loved you, Joe, so it's going to be a tough day for you. Well, it's St. Patrick's Day. You're from Boston. I'm from Boston. Let's celebrate for a second. Taking a dick set? prison. Taking a dick set? I guess it's St. Patrick's Day, so I got to drop Dick Murphy's.

When I hear this, I think of the Red Sox. I don't really think of Irish people puking in the street. Joe was in Aruba. Let's talk about your trip to Aruba. Anyways. We just lost all the Yankee fans. What?

Oh, yeah. No, Yankee fans love this show. Oh, do they? Yeah. Oh, good. Bad mouth Jeter every chance I get. I love Jeter. Are you kidding?

I know you do. He's Eddie Haskell, I told you. I have more respect for A-Rod, who fucks broads and gets caught and then lies and stuff. And Jeter's just as cocky in my opinion did i ever tell you i like you know i like jeter i tell you my dom irera derrick jeter story no go ahead we were talking dom years ago we were talking about sports he's from philly yeah i'm from boston so we were talking about a mutual dislike for the yankees yeah and he was like but i love derrick jeter i can't do impressions he's like i love derrick jeter he did one thing i'll

always love him because of this one thing and I was like let me stop you right there the play against the A's where he runs across the infield flips it back right

and he goes no my niece was sick with cancer and he went and talked to her at the hospital is that a true story yeah really

I was like well that's nice too I'm more impressed with the flip at the plate against the A's that's what I said. I wouldn't talk to his niece if he wanted me to. Yeah.

I would have talked to his niece and said, look, I'm going to hit into a ground-ending double play, and you'll probably die by tonight. But listen. It may not have been his niece, by the way. No, G.G. is a great. He's the face of the game. And we talked about this, you know, he's going to end his career at Fenway, right?

Is that right? That's right. His final games are at Fenway this, you know, he's going to end his career at Fenway, right? Is that right? That's right. His final games are at Fenway this year. Oh, wow. And tickets for that game, to show you how much Bostonians, tickets for that game are outselling opening day when they get their ring. Oh, wow. So Boston fans respect him.

And I'm just saying, I think, you know, he was a lot smarter. The way, you know, he banged every broad on the face of the earth. Right. And he was just more smart about it. But I think he has a, like one of the writers said, Phil Mushnick, I don't know who it was. One of the writers said he has a lot of Eddie Haskell in him. And I agree. Meaning that, you know, he's like, hi, how are you?

You know, I think he's. I watched one of those VH1 hottest bodies, whatever the fuck. Jenna Jameson was on talking about how much she loved Derek Jeter and wanted to fuck him. I hope that he made that happen. If I saw that, I'd fucking get in touch with her immediately. Yeah, but, I mean, come on. You're Derek Jeter. I mean, you're telling girls like Jessica Biel to fuck off.

Do you really think you want to fuck a skank who's got more diseases in her snatch and the blankets Columbus gave the Indians? Well, I got a lot of diseases, so I sort of think. Oh, that's right. I got them all. But Joe, how do you feel about the St. Patrick's Day thing with the gays in Guinness who sponsors the New York St. Patrick's Day parade? They're backing out because, you know, the gays want to carry signs. Yeah. Let me as it is.

You know, the gays want to carry signs. Yeah. Let me as it is. I'm, you know, this stuff. Well, why do you have to carry a sign saying I'm gay or whatever? Why can't you just be in the parade? I've never followed it. I thought they don't let the gays march or something. Well, they did. They march afterwards. They said, we're going to let you march, but you can't be carrying, you know.

Gay signs? Yeah. Oh. And that wasn't enough for the gay and you know the glbtck rmsq it's never enough for the gays you know no that's my question and and again i'm i don't i don't care i'm you know i'm for gay marriage and all that and and uh um i just don't get why what's your sexuality just march in the parade you know do you have to fucking do i have to go everywhere i go do i have to go everywhere I go?

Do I have to go, ah, I love pussy. Mm, I'll eat an ass in 10 seconds. I tend to do that, but I don't understand what the gay correlation with St. Patrick's Day is. My family's all Irish, and they hate gays.

Ooh, really? No, I'm kidding. I thought your dad was gay. Didn't he leave your mother? He might be. He's got a mustache. Didn't he leave your mother a couple weeks ago

for Julio and Glaze's kid? He's got a mustache, and he's very thin. He might be. He's got a mustache. Didn't you leave your mother a couple weeks ago for Julio and Glazer's kid? He's got a mustache, and he's very thin. He likes music. I don't know. Is it a handlebar mustache? No, but mustaches are gay now, right? Or are they cool now? No, Dick.

In Williamsburg, everybody's walking around like they're a Hasidic Jew. They're coming back. It's big. Some guy wrote to me on my Instagram the other day, asked me if I was a hipster. I guess because of my glasses. He didn't see these sneakers that I'm wearing. Isn't that horrible when your generation has to deal with that horse shit? Yeah.

I like to wear bell bottoms and big glasses like Jackie O. My girlfriend wears bell bottoms, which is nice because you can take the pants off with leaving the shoes on. Don't you love shoes on sex? What's better than sex with shoes on? It could be a sneaker or a flip-flop. What are you, Elliot Spitzer? I like to wear cowboy boots when I'm jerking off by myself. A girl

in cowboy boots is hot. Yes, unless, you know, she looks like, you know, Merle Haggard. But I don't get it. I'm sorry, but I'm with the St. Patrick's Day organizers on this one. I mean, why you're in the parade? What your sexuality got to do with it

so just march and shut your hole guinness is dropping out guinness is saying they should be able to do what they want they should be oh because they should parade you know we're all for the it's they're putting the pressure on the gay groups and a lot of other sponsors are dropped out because the organizers are saying that yeah you can be in the parade but you don't you know you can't show up in assless chaps right so uh i'm sorry but i'm with the organizers on this one as much as i love gay people and you know i love gay people too um you know and who's our favorite gay elton john well that's true you gotta an autographed picture of Elton John right here in the studio. I do.

I have an album in my studio here. It's, I forget which album is it, Joe. Can you see from here? I can't see it. Captain Fantastic. That's not Captain Fantastic. I don't know what that is. Hold on.

Let me look. All right. You talk. All right. Oh, this is like that scene in Major League Two where they have, what's his toes take over? I'm dying. I'm running out of stuff. Oh, God, get back here.

Candle in the wind. Good back. Goodbye, yellow brick row. Oh, that's a great one. Anyways, it was my first. Hold on. I have to go up. See, I just think I heard my cat fucking stubbed his toe.

Okay. What was I going to say? Yeah, that was my first Tonight Show, and I got bumped. By Elton John? By Elton John. That's not bad. And I'm like, oh, I'll get to meet him at least. And they're like, no, you can't go upstairs.

He's got a whole bunch of... So I said, well, can they sign this for me? Can he sign it? So they probably handed it to some bathroom attendant at NBC, and he just took a Sharpie out and went, yeah, yeah, yeah. Scribble some shit up. No, Elton John signed it for me. Oh.

And it said, best of luck, Nick. You have a tight, juicy ass. So that's why I know it's authentic. Go ahead, Joe. What kind of entertainer are you? Do I got to carry this thing? I got nervous. I didn't know what you were doing.

I thought I was going to. I got nervous. 11 people are going to hear this doing. I thought I was going to. I got nervous. 11 people are going to hear this. I'm very nervous all the time. Counting your family. I hope they don't listen. I'm a dead gay. I know.

He's not gay. He's very straight. Not gay. Hey, before I forget, let me do a little business at the top of the show. Oh, yeah. Business. Huh? Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio.

For a free trial and 10% off your first purchase, go to squarespace.com and use offer code Nick. You ever try to build a website, Joe? My girlfriend did a Tumblr page for me. And then your web guy, Mike Baker, had made a website for me a while ago. But the point is it's impossible to do unless you're your girlfriend and Mike Baker. Yeah. I've had friends try it that are way smarter than me. And, you know, one of them committed suicide. I don't understand it.

I have a Tumblr. I don't know how to use it. Well, then this is for you and me. This is great. Squarespace. It's they're constantly improving their platform and new features, new designs and even better support. Constantly improving their platform with new features, new designs, and even better support. They have beautiful designs for you to start with and all the style options you need to create a unique website for you or your business.

It's really easy to use, Joe. But if you want some help, Squarespace has an amazing support team that works 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There's over 100 Squarespace employees at the customer care team, which is right here in New York City. It's just $8 a month. It starts at $8 a month and includes a free domain name if you sign up for a year. Every Designs automatically includes a unique mobile experience that matches the overall style of your website, so your content will look great on every device, every device, every time. Start a trial with no credit card required and start building your website so your content will look great on every device every device every time start a trial with no credit card required and start building your website today when you decide to sign up for squarespace make sure to use the offer code nick to get 10 off your first purchase

and to show your support of the nick topalo podcast we thank squarespace for their support of the nick topalo podcast squarespace everything you need to create an exceptional website. And it's the truth. Yeah, sure. So, Aruba Joe. You didn't tell me. It's so funny. I sent Joe, I called Joe last weekend

and I'm like, I think it was on Sunday. I'm like, hey, you want to do my podcast? And I don't hear back from you. And I go, yeah, maybe. He's busy. He had three sets this month. And so then I call the next day. And I go, I'm going to do one tonight.

And I don't hear from you. And then I'm going, this little motherfucker doesn't want to do this. Look, he lives in Queens. Joe lives in Queens. He's got to get on three trains, right? Three trains, yeah. Three trains. End of the six to the whatever the fuck it is.

I was only kidding. Is it really three trains? End of the six to the, I was only kidding. Is it really three trains? End of the six to the Metro North. It's a long ride. Let's put it this way. Didn't you get scurvy on the last,

on the way up here? Cost me 68 bucks to get here. I'm famished. Oh, stop. I know. Last time he comes on,

he's like, you were like in the Godfather or the Godfather 2. I can never distinguish it. You were like when, was it Merle? Remember Merle shows up at the wedding?

Can I get a drink or something? That's Joe. He gets my, today I had to go get him pizza. Nick's got me waiting in the lobby. I pick him up at the train station, and he goes, I got to get something to eat. Don't yell at me. I hadn't eaten. I got up early.

I went to the gym. I had sex with my lady friend with her shoes on, and then I got on get something to eat. Don't yell at me. I had an eating. I got up early. I went to the gym. I had sex with my lady friend with her shoes on. And then I got on the three trains. With her shoes on? I love shoes. What does she work at, Tom McCann? What's the fucking? Hey, honey, put on these wingtips.

It makes me hard. Don't you love a pair of shoes on during sex? No. What are you, crazy? A high heel? A boot? Oh, wait a minute. I used to wear those kiss boots.

You know the ones that Paul Stanley has? I like any accessory. A knee pad, a jock strap, whatever it is. Jesus, sounds like you want to blow a quarterback. Let's be honest. Holy shit, Joe. Cleats. This is fascinating.

Most people have a foot fetish, but you actually want the foot covered up with some type of... First of all, foot fetish gets the worst rap in all of... It's the weirdest thing i don't have a foot fetish i don't think but uh it's the wind if you're into ass you're just into ass if you're into hair foot makes you a weirdo for some reason you're saying so there's a stigma if somebody's missing like they yeah stigmata have a hole in your feet a um real stigma but i like a high heel. It's not my thing. I don't need it. I like a high heel on a guy. Remember Greg Louganis? That just reminded me of a joke idea I had.

What was it? I can't remember. Oh, my friend told me to get contact lenses. And I was like, I don't want contact. It's creepy. He goes, you'll get used to it. I'm like, well, I could probably get used to wearing high heels as well, but I'm not interested. That was a beauty joke.

That's a pretty good joke. It worked. Anyways. But I wasn't Aruba and I wasn't ignoring your phone calls. I was there. I was, you know.

I was freaking out. It was like I called it reminded me when I was single and I fucked a girl who I was way out of her league and she didn't call me back. And I went, that little rat bastard.

Right. She's dead now. She died during an operation. They were taking a 400 pound mole off her neck. But go ahead. No, I was in Aruba. It was exciting. I went down to Aruba.

No, Aruba's not exciting. I've been to all the islands and that's the one where people in the late hundreds go. I love Aruba. Well, it's very old, but there's some young ass down there. Mostly male and islanders. There's a new thing happening, I think, in Aruba. There was a bunch of hot mothers with their hot daughters. You can say motherfuckers.

I saw like five pairs of like mother-daughter situations. Yeah, Natalie Holloway. They were hot. Yeah, I looked for her, but I didn't see her. Well, I went to Aruba a year after Natalie went missing, and I dove into the water and banged heads with her. The top half of her. But listen, that was uncalled for. She was in Ben Gardner's boat.

Hello, folks. So tell me about Aruba. It was terrific. It was phenomenal. What did you do? You can't drink? What did you lay there with, a yoo-hoo on the beach? I was there with Ray Ellen.

Do you know Ray? Aruba Ray? Yeah. A ton Ray Allen. Do you know Ray? Aruba Ray? A ton of personnel. It was Regis busy. He was down there and he brought me around. We rented a Jeep 4x4. We went down to the natural pool. It's like all these big crazy rocks.

It was very exciting. But I go swimming. You feel the fish touch your leg. I'm not interested. I'm a city guy. And he wants to hear a fish on me. Fuck that. I'm out interested. I'm a city guy. And once I hear a fish on me, fuck that. I'm out. I go to the pool.

Maybe you put some shoes on. I did a lot. Get done fucking your wife. I do. You won't feel the fish. I do swim in shoes. I got city feet. So did you jet ski or any of that?

I don't do any of that shit. I lay, I read books, actually. I lay in the, I get third degree burns on my ass and face on the first day. And then I stay in under an umbrella the rest of the week yeah i was sitting on my little back deck that faced the ocean i had cuban cigars i was smoking a cuban every night it was very exciting and then uh what did we do we went we hiked around we went swimming in the ocean the whole thing i wanted to get jet skis we didn't get a chance to it was fucking great chuck nice was there you know chuck what was it strong middle week hit that ruba it Chuck? What was it? Strong middle week?

Hit the Aruba? It was a great week. He's a nice guy, Chuck. Chuck's a great guy. Yeah, yeah. We had fun. We drove around. We saw all the locals.

We went down to the Red Light District. We went during the day. It was a bunch of heavyweights down there. What does that mean? Fat chicks. Oh, really? Fat old... You don't like big, fat, black ass?

They weren't black. They were Aruban. Arubian. What color are You don't like big, fat, black ass? They weren't black. They were a Reuben. A Reubian. What color are their Reubians? Dark brown, I think. It's a dark tint. I don't know. It was great.

It is awesome. Those islands are awesome. It was fucking... It was 75 degrees every day. Breezy. The shows were all right. The shows are tough. They're all old people just staring at you.

Oh, you had to do shows? Yeah. That's not a vacation. What'd you think? I thought you were on vacation. You think I just went with Ray Allen and Chuck Nice on vacation? That's what I said. Why were there comics down there?

No, no. We went and did stand-up. He's got a room down there. Wow, that was a power pack lineup, huh? He's got a room down there. It's a fucking fun room. It's at the Marriott. 480 bucks a night for the room.

But we stayed for free, of course. I won $120 gambling and fucked three hookers. It was great. No, you didn't. You were with your girlfriend. No, my girlfriend didn't come. But I didn't fuck any hookers either. They wouldn't put their shoes on, so I said no deal.

They don't have shoes. Homeless, dirty feet, big yellow toenail. Delicious. So you were there for a week. I was there for four four nights Sunday through Sunday I had the thing happen

where you ever had this happen where you go I was spooked man I thought you I thought I did something to piss you off I'm like oh please

no I was like he's not returning my calls I'm like Jesus no no I was in the other country I didn't get your message I called you as soon as I landed I was at JFK

I called you but I had that thing I got the early flight so I arrive. I was at JFK. I called you. But I had that thing. I got the early flight. So I arrive Sunday morning, like noon. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, your room will be ready for three hours. So I had to take like a leisurely stroll in jeans and a North Face jacket. That seems to happen to you a lot.

A couple of gigs I've done happen to happen. I'm just dragging my suitcase behind me through the sand like a fucking freak. And then I had this happen. You know the feeling when you haven't slept in like 24 hours? You're just like staring But you're not really Looking at anything Yes

I caught myself doing that But I'm just I realized There's just like A 75 year old woman Showering in my line of sight So I'm just sitting On the beach

With boots and jeans Just staring at an elderly woman Showering off her legs Really? Like a fucking weirdo I was kind of into it A little bit Was she good looking?

She was good looking For an older lady I'm getting into Older ladies now because I'm getting older Yeah How old? 40 That'll reverse

I don't like anybody over 21 Girl wise I was peeking into a middle school last weekend For about an hour and a half I like it But I went to St. Barts in January me and the wife have been there a few times unbelievably expensive and uh you know i talked about it on one of the podcasts and i

forgot to tell this little story uh every morning i'd get up and i'd walk we're staying like out on the tip of some dick you know the tip of an eye of the island get you but it's like a neighborhood you could walk around it's about a you know like a two mile circle right uh and with beautiful views so every morning i'd get up and do that so one morning i get up and my wife says i'm taking the car into town to get you to get some something right makeup or some type of vd medicine and uh i go okay we had a mini cooper right so uh she never drives we've been there three times every vacation every island i've always driven every second of every minute and so this is the first time she takes a car i'm like okay so i go for my walk i start walking

around the circle looking at these beautiful houses that i could never afford in a million years and stuff and um i'm about 18 minutes into my walk, and then I see a plastic bumper in the middle of the road, and I'm like, ah, Jesus, some poor bastard. So I move it to the side of the road and continue with my walk for another 45 minutes, whatever. And then I go back to the house, and my wife pulls in to the driveway,

and I come up. I just happen to be coming up with a drink in my hand and i notice there's no bumper on the minicooper i go you gotta be fucking kidding me so she didn't even know it was gone it's a little over a speed bump and it popped off right it's held on there by like toothpick and cum, you know. Mini Cooper. It's actually a nice car, Mini Cooper. Right. I had never been in one. I kind of liked it. Yeah, but she knocked the bumper off it.

Wow. So I got to drive around the rest of the week with that in the back seat. So what did that cost? Did you have the insurance or whatever? Yes. Luckily, I had an Amex card and gold or whatever. Yeah, it covers it. And you're covered.

But they still, you know. But yes, we were covered and um it still cost me a little fee i think right but it was gonna be like 300 and something dollars if i didn't have the coverage we rented a jeep in aruba and there's like this you know this natural pool you're gonna drive off road into the fucking it's like mars it's like the surface of mars yeah and it says like this big sticker says like do not take jeeps to to the natural pool. Right. But that's what everyone does anyways. And of course the thing we, we get into like the fucking wilderness and the thing,

it stinks like gas. It stinks like shit the whole time. I'm like, something's wrong. The check engine light is on. So I'm like, you got to call this guy. And the guy,

the Ruben guy's like check engine light means nothing. Yeah. Well, you can see why it would mean something. It means something. Yeah. Yeah. Like engineers design.

Maybe in your culture. And we fucking go, we buy our tickets to get mean something, right? It means something. Yeah, yeah. Like engineers design this. Maybe in your culture it means nothing. And we fucking go. We buy our tickets to get in the park. We come back out. He goes to start the car. He just goes, nothing. It's just completely fucking dead. Just.

So we had to wait like an hour for them to bring a new Jeep. I have no idea. I don't know anything about cars. There's some Ruben guy and he's filled with some shit and then starts it right up himself. He filled it with something? He fiddled. I don't know what the right up himself. He filled it with something? He fiddled. I don't know what the fuck he did. I don't know anything about cars.

All I know is about sex and baseball. He fiddled two coconuts and he ties them. It's kind of like a professor. He did a rain dance. Yeah, killing himself with it. So you had a good time. You get any color? Because you're a very pasty guy.

I got to tell you, I put on too much sunblock. I get so paranoid. You know me, I think I'm going to get skin cancer and ass cancer and whatever, the foot cancer. And so I put on a ton of sunblock and I got no color whatsoever. I actually tan pretty good, though. I don't know why. I think I got some. You do.

You got some Swahili in you. Yeah. So what the hell else? I don't ask. And you were with your girlfriend. No, she didn't come. No girlfriend. No. That's right.

It was a business trip. I was with Chuck Nice and Ray Allen. So we can't actually be honest if you picked up broads and stuff. No, I got nothing. I did no picking up broads. I'm not good with picking up broads. People, everyone on vacation,

they're couples. They have pills for that, Joe. Yeah. They go, look over there. You couple right into her sprite. Next thing you know, she's spread eagle on the entry. It's all couples and old people there so i did yeah it is actually it sure in hell is i was in

uh this weekend uh friday night i was in a place called riverhead new york which is way out on long island yeah uh island you know at the very tip of long island it splits yeah like two legs it's at the crotch yeah you're in the you're in the cunt of, uh, Long Island. That's what I said. If the Island is laying face down, I was in the asshole,

but you know, and I, I get to the town and I'm, at first I was expecting him. I guess, Oh, by the Hamptons, it could be,

but then I'm, I get to this town and it's like, Hmm, I'm seeing a lot of like day laborers walking around with hoodies, you know, at around six o'clock and kind of a rough looking little town, but supposedly it's on the upswing i guess it was really horrible years ago oh wow and um but it was this theater called the

suffolk theater and it was gorgeous not like a big one i think it holds like 350 400 all right that's perfect it was packed and it's like i mean with beautiful lighting and sound. Yeah. Like this little gem in the middle of nowhere. And it was killer. It was like, I mean, I get out there early. Yeah. Right? Because I live in northern Westchester. If I leave after 3 o'clock, let's say if I left at 4. Yeah.

Do you really want to be heading on the LIE on a Friday? It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. Any gig I have in Long Island or Jersey, I go jersey i go down at like noon i know just find a park to go and i don't want to i've done that too but i didn't want to get down there that early because i didn't i didn't i didn't have a hotel room i just wanted to do the gig right i mean so so i i leave at three and it takes it's it should be about a two hourhour ride. Right. Takes me like three hours and ten minutes. Wow. I mean, just stop and go, even leaving at three.

I hate it. I would rather drive for nine hours going 80 miles an hour than one hour in traffic. I know. I agree with you. It's a fucking nightmare. It was a nightmare. Fucking, I'm like, oh, my God, it's taking forever. So then I get down there at what, six?

Gig, 630 or whatever? Yeah. So then I get down there at what, six gig, 630 or whatever. Yeah. You know, I was going to go take a nap in my car in the parking lot of this industrial park. Yeah. I was afraid I was going to get stabbed. So I went to some sushi joint next door.

And then when I was done eating there, had a couple of Sapporos. And then I went over to the theater and went into this beautiful green room you know it was like a kitchen yeah you know it's a theater it's not a green room like in a comedy club this big leather couch and I just went in there laid down and took a nice power nap which I should always do yeah I love a power

nap I went out like a light because I had woke up that morning at 6 went to bed at 2.30 I slept three and a half hours. I was almost crying. You're like a farmer. You wake up at 4 in the morning. Not on purpose.

I have insomnia, man. As you get older, you'll see. It's crazy. Today, again, went to bed at 1.30, woke up at 5.55 or something. I think you watch too much news. That's what I think. Joe, it's not a bad point. I think you watch 10 hours of news.

Your brain, you're all scattered. You got to stop watching the news, especially Fox what I think. Joe, it's not a bad point. I think you watch 10 hours of news, your brain, you're all scattered. You gotta stop watching the news. Especially Fox News. Am I right, fellas? What's up with these knuckleheads? Yeah, well, at least when I go to bed after I watch Fox News, I can jerk off to some of the anchor women.

Not like MSNBC when I cut my dick off. I'm into Rachel Maddow a little bit. You what? I'm into her a little bit. Yeah, she's adorable. I would fuck her. Why don't you just fuck nomar gassiapara she's adorable would you fuck her probably well just out of hate just hate yeah i just i just go look you know because the worst thing you can say to somebody i'm gonna convert you you're gonna like dick when i'm done right no you know what she's a

she seems like a charming she's all right i'm just saying yeah she's cute i don't sexually i don't see it but uh you do you think she i thought you were kidding but you're serious i am kidding i mean i would fuck her but i'm not i'm not attracted anything you're in shoes on i would do it everybody knows you're an animal she's not the kind of girl you fucking forget about. So that was Friday night, Riverhead. Killer crowd, and they were loving it. They were catching every line, and I'd do it again. I've got to be honest with you.

And then Saturday night, I was at the Worcester Comedy Festival. Now I've got to drive two and a half, three hours the other way towards Boston. Worcester. Yeah, and at the Palladium. It'scester. Yeah. And at the Palladium. And it was- It's a legendary room, the Worcester Palladium. Now you say that, are you being sarcastic? Seriously. It's been around.

It was built in 1928. Anything Palladium sounds classic to me. I'm sure all the people have played there. Springsteen probably played there. No, but you're right. There was a lot of big names that had played there. Yeah. And I'm just one of many.

Me and Kevin Nealon. No, so I played there and i'm just one of many uh me and kevin nealon no so i i get there and uh they have a room for me and uh checked in and just laid there thinking the show started at eight i'm closing it i'm figuring so i'll go on about what 9 15 i only have to do like 20 minutes yeah right oh Right? Oh, no. It's a comedy festival. There's an intermission. Oh, yeah. You'll probably be on about 1030. Somebody posted the lineup. It was a long ass show. Yeah.

Too much show. Yeah. Too much show. But you know what? The crowd was amazing. I mean, like it sounded like a laugh track. Right. And I'm walking.

I went over during the intermission. I stayed at the hotel till, you know. Right. The last possible minute. Got a couple Sam Adams. Right. And I stayed at the hotel till, you know. Right. The last possible minute. Got a couple Sam Adams. Right. And I'm watching the Red Sox exhibition game. So I walk over to the theater at intermission, and I can hear roaring coming out of the building.

And John Fish is on, destroying. Wow. And I walk, and I go, please tell me he's the first act on the second half. And they're like, no, this is still the first. Wow. But you know what? Sweeney's there. Steve Sween wow but you know what sweeney's there steve sweeney folks steve sweeney's like a legend lenny clark these are these are the guys that i

saw in boston before i was a comedian and just fell in love with these guys you know i mean lenny clark was just you should see he he looks he looks as good now i mean he's in shape yeah this lenny got up to 360 pounds i think at one point yeah yeah he's 188 188 he's 18 shape. Yeah. Lenny got up to 360 pounds, I think, at one point. Yeah, yeah. He's 188. 188. He's 188. He had a Bruins sweater on, right?

He's got a physique like an athlete. I go, what? I go, you don't even do blow anymore. How are you keeping the weight? He looked great. He sounded great. Steve Sweeney. Sweeney said he had to go to the hospital that afternoon.

He was having chest pain. Jesus. Which is ironic, because when I knew Steve Sweeney, he would do a pound to blow a day. Right. And, you know, literally. And I said to him, Steve, you're 25 years older than when I met you. And you look healthier. He actually, he always had yellow, reddish eyes.

You know, that drug dealer, that drug look. Yeah, yeah. Fucking guy looked great. And he goes on and murders before me. And they couldn't have been nicer and I'd do that again if they wanted to do

that festival again. So thanks for coming out, you folks that came out. 750 people. Wow. That's a hot show. It was a killer. Some guy, Frank Foley?

Do you know Frank Foley? I don't think so. That sounds familiar though. The Worcester guy. Yeah. He murdered and everybody murdered. I sounds familiar, though. Worcester guy. Yeah. He murdered, and everybody murdered. I've never seen an audience that starving. Wow.

You know when you go to a town like Buffalo and they're starving? Yeah. I guess Worcester had that same feeling. That Buffalo Helium we did. That was the best week of comedy I've ever done. I love that clip. Fucking amazing. Love that clip.

Which reminds me, quick update on the DVD. We're done editing, folks. It's in my agent's hands i don't know what we do from here i gotta call him later but all the hard work's out of the way now we gotta shop it around i watched it last time we were here after we did the podcast it's fucking amazing joe joe you watched it i showed up for joe last time we were here so i wanted to give you an update on that uh speaking let's stay with comedy news. A legend, David Brenner. Oh, Brenner.

Where were you? Were you in Aruba? No. Where were you when he died? It's like asking where you were in JFK. Yeah, I already forgot. David Brenner did not have a big influence on my life. Well, not on a lot of people, but here's how I feel about David Brenner.

Look, he really mastered that observational stuff right which not people don't have a high regard for that now really i don't think although every comic makes observations yeah but he did he was you got to give him credit for like breaking ground the guy did over what 150 160 tonight shows with johnny carson and then was the guest host 75 times? Guest hosted 75 times. But not my cup of tea either. But that's easy to say now. Right. You know what I'm saying?

He was breaking ground, I guess. But, you know, I'll play some. Play me some Brenner. Let's play a little Brenner here. Play it pretty for Atlanta. All right. Here comes some Brenner. I'm just filling in the weight here.

Folks, we're here at... No, at 16 to 18, you'll be at Granny's in Dallas. A hearty welcome. Even back then, they make fun of where we're playing. Meet and greet, David Brenner. Do you remember the old days when you heard someone say total recall and meant that someone had a good memory? Meet and greet, David Brenner. Do you remember the old days when you heard someone say total recall and meant that someone had a good memory? A lot of applause for that.

I don't even get it. You know about what? Six, eight weeks ago, General Motors recalled 248,000 cars. A minor problem. Minor. When you step on the brakes,000 cars. A minor problem. Minor. When you step on the brakes, they don't stop. Hey. Now you understand why their motto is,

We Stand Behind Our Cars. That's a good joke. And then, about eight years too late, we started manufacturing the compact, the small cars that compete with the European and Japanese market. Have you driven an American small car? You turn on a windshield wiper, the car rocks from side to side. He's gone side to side.

A friend of mine bought one, and he got one of those old 1940 hood ornaments. He put it on a small car to back two wheels, lift it off the ground. No, it did not. The only good thing about American small cars, when you take it back to the dealer and you tell him what to do with it, he can. That's a good joke. In other words, stick it up your ass. The crowd.

Those are all good jokes. I don't, uh, I don't own a car. I'm into trucks, though. I like trucks. I think America makes great trucks, too. And I don't own a truck. I always want to be a truck driver. I think there's something about the, it's like the frontiersmen. They're America makes great trucks, too. And I don't own a truck. I always want to be a truck driver. I think there's something about the... It's like the frontiersmen. They're the last of the cowboys, the last of the rugged individuals in America.

They are. Look at that independent trucker stripe. Did you see those truck drivers? People are shooting guns at them, throwing hand grenades in there or in there. We're going to get these kumquats to market. Kumquat? Kumquat. Because I don't buy anything mechanical. That one died. I have no luck. If it has two moving parts, it breaks on me. Everything.

Like a couple weeks ago, I bought a hair blower. It sucks. This is pretty good. Are you serious? You like this shit? I do. Alright. I thought you were going to jump all over Did you ever get a cured ham

and wonder what it had? That I like I like that What's it I missed it You ever get a cured ham and wonder what it had? I thought it was interesting

I'm very much into nature even though I'm a city kid I'm very much That's why I too am not exactly wild about James Whatby and the Secretary of the Interior It's almost like having Charles Manson as the director of a playground.

I'll face it, the man hates nature. He really doesn't like nature. Did you hear he's trying to get Vice President Bush to change his last name to Cement? Is that true? Cement Bush? I was reading, because I'm into nature. Because he hates nature. Get rid of the bush. I don't go out and sleep in a tent or fish. I'm into nature. I don't go out in the woods. Because he hates nature. Get rid of the bush. I'm not going to go out and sleep in a tent or fish. I could never fish.

If I ever saw a lobster come up on the end of a string, I'd throw up. I can't. Is that a joke? You know what I don't understand? Is that a joke? Why is it when you go into a restaurant and you order a lobster or shrimp or crab, they always give it to you with the legs on it? I hate that.

I mean, when you get a steak, they don't have a hoof hanging off of it. I think you get the idea. Yeah, those are some pretty good jokes. It must have been the 80s, I take it. Yeah, really. Yeah, he did it. The bit, his signature bit, I remember, was, and he's right, a zillion people stole it, you know, but he's like,

I was going into the bank the other day, I ever see that sign? It says, what kind of dog, C&I dogs not allowed in. Oh, yeah. Who's that for? I've heard like a thousand comics steal that.

Right, right. I mean, they're all dead now but right yeah that's some good stuff in there i just never heard it when i was a kid i only knew like the really big guys and then the people that were more uh they came after the a and e type people vh1 and stuff like that he was brenner was but he was kind of i mean if you listen to these interviews he was really like pretentious and in love with himself he was a bitner was, but he was kind of, I mean, if you listen to these interviews, he was really like pretentious and in love with himself. He was a bit cunty.

Well, yeah. And he'd say, I mean, he made himself out to be this rebel. I remember, you know, at Catch Your Eyes and Star, him coming in and they said, what do you want for an intro? And he goes, I don't need it. And he walked right on stage. And you were going to tell me you're one David Brenner story. And it was the same. I was there.

I saw it happen one night. And now you knew a friend who saw the same thing. He came in in a mink coat. Someone saw him and he came out to no intro. The opener does his act, leaves. And then the stage is just blank. Then he walks out in like a full-length mink coat and does his act. And then he finishes by going, anyone got any questions?

And some audience member goes, yeah, who are you? So he's very pretentious uh that speaks more to the idiots that come out the comedy club so if you're in a if you go to a comedy club you'd think you'd know who david brennan was don't you think i think i don't know maybe not i don't know it's a generational thing though i don't know if my uh i guess my parents know who david brenner is yeah but i don't know if they know any of his work or anything. But like Comedy Central, I was listening on the way home from Worcester. Comedy Central has that show. Not Comedy Central.

I'm sorry. Broad Dog. Right. The show Unmasked or whatever. And the guy was interviewing Brenner for like, I don't know when it was. It was pretty recently, I guess. But it's like an hour interview. But he's just taking credit.

And he's so edgy. And I don't go up there with a list of toaster jokes i you know now i wing it and so many people were and he was really bitter and and um you know i what i couldn't figure out what i never could figure out excuse me i don't have a cough button he um he supposedly grew up in a tough philly neighborhood you know south philly and all this this street kid. Yeah. And that's the act he came up with, like observational. Yeah, yeah.

Growing up in a dangerous neighborhood just never really fit to me. But I'm not denying that he didn't. I guess he was a street kid. Right. He said his old man was a bookie and stuff. Oh, wow. Yeah, we'd like to hear some bits about that. Exactly.

And anyways, rest in peace david brenner i mean that's quite a if you grow up in a poor neighborhood in philly in the projects and you end up guest hosting for johnny carson and yeah amazing career and then was a television producer and documentary filmmaker before that so before he got into telling jokes right amazing yeah and uh there's a picture you go online there was some good pictures him like in vegas in. He's with some hot broad. Yeah. And he was, like, a good-looking guy with long hair and stuff. And he had it going on. But he just was a little too into himself every time I heard him interviewed, you know?

Right. But you know what I did like about the interview? At the end of it, he goes, and people applaud when they say that's the end of the interview. Then he goes, everything I said was just bullshit. Which, some part of me you know he meant that right you know what I mean

but so and then there was a rumor yesterday that Wayne Knight died did you see that yeah which was debunked it was a big hoax I was sad about that

tell the people who Wayne Knight is Wayne Knight played Newman in Seinfeld he's also in JFK Basic Instinct in Jurassic Park oh my god when did he get a poster of him I read I read a thing that he was the first Wayne Knight played Newman in Seinfeld. He's also in JFK, Basic Instinct, and Jurassic Park. Oh, my God.

What, did he get a poster of him? I read a thing that he was the first actor cast in Jurassic Park. Steven Spielberg loved him so much in Basic Instinct. So at one point, Jurassic Park was just Wayne Knight. I thought his character was totally unnecessary in Seinfeld. What? Totally unnecessary. Just what I said.

He's unnecessary. He's hilarious. I mean, he's great. It was unnecessary. The show would have been fine without him. But any character would have been unnecessary. Just what I said. He's unnecessary. He's hilarious. I mean, he's great. It was unnecessary. The show would have been fine without him, but any character would have been unnecessary. No. No. What are you talking about?

It was stupid. It was unnecessary. Kramer was next door. That's necessary. Louise Dreyfuss, that's a girlfriend. What was he? He was a mailman? Yeah, he was the neighbor.

Hello, yeah. He was the neighbor that wasn't friends. He was great. He was great in the role, but it wasn't necessary.'s great there was great jokes ah p.u god i love him i think he's tremendous you love me thinking you talk about like he's charles derning for that show is uh charles derning p.u way nice way better than derning you really believe that i bet you're not saying that with an ounce of irony what else is to hear besides dog afternoon who derning are you fucking kidding?

First of all, he was a heavyweight champion boxer. Wayne Knight could kick his ass. And he's been in a ton of legendary movies. Dog Day and what else? Oh my god, you got a horrendous I don't know. I'm not going to pull up his resume. Fuck the snow. That's my favorite line in Dog Day Afternoon.

One of the best lines of all time. Fuck the snow. Oh my God. Is that a good Pacino impression? Yeah, that was pretty good. Hey, let me, got another take care of business again. Oh, all right, sorry. This is a good sign, folks.

I'm getting all kinds of- Sign filled? Yeah. Hey, you've probably tried Hulu.com. Hulu Plus is so much more. With Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. Hulu Plus lets you much more. With Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere.

Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and movies in the living room or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. With Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite TV shows like SNL, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Shark Tank, and Scandal. Watch every episode of shows like Lost, and order svu doctor who and community you can also check out exclusive content including hulu originals like the wrong man's behind the mask which is hulu's new docu-series that takes you inside the world of sports mascots joe did you want weren't you a mascot you're a parakeet in high school? I wish. Joe's on his phone right now. You'll also get access to a collection of ad-free movies and kids content.

For only $7.99 a month, that's dirt cheap, folks, catch up on current shows, binge on old favorites, or catch a great movie. Stream as many TV shows and movies as you want, wherever you want. That's the beauty of it, wherever you are. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash Nick. That's a special offer for our listeners. Make sure you use huluplus.com slash Nick so you get the extended free trial and they know that we sent you. Go to huluplus.com slash nick right now for your extended two-week free trial.

Watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere with Hulu Plus. On your TV or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. Shows like The Family Guy, Once Upon a Time, New Girl, Scandal, and more. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash Nick. That's huluplus.com

slash Nick. Yeah. I always hear about Hulu. Yeah, people talk about Hulu all the time. I'm very out of the loop though. Me too. I reference it in one of my jokes. Oh yeah, Hulu. My special is coming. I reference Hulu. It's a funny word, Hulu. It is. And it's a great product. Hey, what else in the. Oh, yeah, Hulu. And my special is coming. I reference Hulu. It's a funny word, Hulu.

It is. And it's a great product. Hey, what else? Oh, and more showbiz news. Were you a Sopranos fan or not? No, I never watched it. You always yell at me about it. I tried one.

I watched two episodes. I couldn't get into it. I had trouble. Did you hear that, folks? He disproved my point. He was just drooling over... What's his name? Knight?

What's his name? Wayne Knight. Okay. This kid hasn't even seen The Sopranos, which was voted the greatest television show on the history TV by SAG and every other group that does that type of poo-poo. And I'm supposed to believe you

when it comes to Wayne Knight? Come on. Well, TV drama. I never get into TV drama. I'm sure it's great. Everyone says it's great. I'm going to... Seriously.

You've been saying you're going to give it to me for 25 years here. Do I have to give it to you? Jesus Christ. You keep being like, I'm going to give you the box set. I had to heat your pizza up in a microwave and you got here like you're Elvis. Hey, I spent $16.50 getting here. I'm going to give you $20, Joe. Do you hear this petty motherfucker?

Well, you keep saying I'll give you the Sopranos business. I never watched it. I never said I was going to give it to you. Well, you said lend. You're a comedian now. Don't you have any money? What are you the Sopranos business. I never watched it. I never said I was going to give it to you. Well, you said lend. Lend. You're a comedian now. Don't you have any money? What are you doing?

I got no money. What are you spending it on? The trips to here so I can get some Twitter followers. $16. I'm giving you $20. You got to come off $4 ahead. No, it was $19.25. I went low to make you feel less. All right, you got to come off plus $0.75, you money-grubbing dink.

I got no money. I got to pay for Obamacareare i don't know if we should have voted for this guy what's this we shit stupid joe voted for this guy some woman wrote uh you some guy tweeted at me you were funny on nick's show fuck jill stein i saw that i saw that it was funny um and and the reason i'm asking about sopranos is uh this, this ain't going to mean much to you, but you know the actress Annabella Skior? I don't think so. She was in Do the Right. Do the Right Thing? Yeah.

A little overrated, that movie. I believe. And the director is extremely overrated. Absolutely. We're back on board. Yeah. No, but she played a mistress on The Sopranos. Tony's Guma.

Yeah. Gloria, her name was. And she's smoking hot. Right. Smoking hot. Anyways, I read in the paper and I'm thinking, she's a great actress. She's always on stuff. She broke.

She broke? She's broke. She owes the IRS like a hundred grand and she's in a hole. Another hundred grand in bills. How does that happen? Is she black? No. Oh. Don't be racist i'm kidding that's racist i don't like that type of talk i was being joking you realize we have advertisers here i'm joking um i watched the 30 for 30 probably sicilian

um but she's like in the hole man and i'm when when you hear that you do you think of athletes or you know a druggie you know an actor who's hooked on drugs and shit but she seemed like she had her shit together it's nerve-wracking show business is nerve-wracking sometimes you talk to comedians how would you know you and i aren't in it comedians have done like eight lettermans this is like wayne's world we're doing right now no but this one really threw me let Let me play a little scene. She got into it with Tony Soprano. All right. Okay.

I'm familiar. That's the one that was played by James Gandolfini, right? That's right. Yeah. He's dead too now. I know. Did you hear about that? Yes.

He's the observational humor guy, right? No. Yeah. So, but she played his Gumar and she was a little nuts. And I had a girlfriend just like this, by the way, in my life. So this really hit. And she was so good, man. There's a scene where she does.

This isn't the scene I'm going to play. But there was a scene where she dances to a Rolling Stones tone. She puts on the radio, and she's in her underwear and bra. Oh, wow. Shoes? Mank you. Yes. To make you horny, she had on some nice Uggs.

But this is her getting into it with Tony Soprano. And he picks her up and flings her. Obviously, you can't see this. But I'm just saying, it gets pretty violent. But I love this. Just meet you. I've known you my whole fucking life. That's right.

Take a dump wherever you please and then just walk away. My mother was just like you. Bottom was black hole. Oh. The mother now. I surrender. Burn me at the stake. You know what?

You're fucking crazy. All I ever asked for was kindness. Come here. Come here. Oops. Don't go, don't go! I'll call your wife! Oops. What'd you say? Shuts the door. I'll go to Columbia. I'll tell your daughter about us. Sounds like the Stooges. Why you?

Come here. you. He's choking her. This is like something my parents... Now you listen to me. You go near my wife or my family and I'll fucking kill you. You understand me? I'll fucking kill you. He's sitting on top of her.

Kill me, you cocksucker. Kill me. You fucking bitch. He's sitting on top of her. Kill me, you fucking bitch. He's spitting in his face. Kill me. Kill me. Sounds like Full Metal Jacket. Sounds like Gandolfini when he died. Right. Shoot me.

What a scene. What actors, though? What reference did you make? Full Metal Jacket. Remember? Yes. Yes. It was scene. What actors, though. Me. What reference did you make? Full Metal Jacket. Remember? Yes. Yes. It was similar.

Yeah. They were so good in that scene. She was so good on this show. Yeah. And like I said, she's been in other stuff. I mean, she's not really, she doesn't work all the time. Right. But I just, I want to send her a few bucks.

Send her a few bucks. She's probably got a PayPal or a podcast. A PayPal. Let's send her some money. Yeah, and my listeners, send her some money, will you? Annabella Skiwater. Send me some, too. Yeah, send me some, too, while you're at it.

Very expensive. But, yeah, so she was broke, and that surprised the hell out of me. She's broke, but it's oak. What the hell else, Joe? Sports-wise. How about the Boston Bruins? They've won nine in a row. They've won nine. And hockey, that the hell else, Joe? Sports-wise. How about the Boston Bruins? They've won nine in a row. They've won nine.

In hockey, that's something else, folks. Yeah. And they're, what is it? I think it's like 11-1-2 in their last 14 games. They haven't lost on the road in like a couple months. Yeah. But here's my, me being a negative Bostonian. They're going to peak too soon.

Yes. Do you feel that way? It gets me nervous always. Yeah. Doesn't it? They've lost four in a row in the first round. Montreal scares me now because they got Vanek and they got the...

Did you see what we did in Montreal last week? I did, but it still makes me nervous. Were you watching? Did you see it, though? I got the Bruins app. They text you every time they score. It's terrific. Well, that's not like watching a game, but... Well, I understand that, but I don't have a fucking... They text you what? They text you. It says goal. It's not a clip of the goal? No.

It's just telling you goal. Well, Nick, I don't have the fucking sports package with every TV. No, I'm not laughing at you. I says goal. It's not a clip of the goal? No. It's just telling you goal. Well, Nick, I don't have the fucking sports package. No, I'm not laughing at you. I'm just saying it's stupid. What do you mean it's stupid? It's so stupid. I'm out of my life. I got a text that says, Krejci, goal, 8-0-9. Goal!

Goal! Andre, Shama, go, go, go! It says Krejci from, you know, Boy Chuck, 8-0-9, 1-0 Bruins. Goal! Goal! Anthony Chava! Goal! Boy Chuck, by the way, the best player on the team, in my opinion.

I love Boy Chuck. He is my favorite. The guy is made of iron. He runs into people, and they go down like this shot, and then he's got a slap shot. It's almost as hard as Zidane O'Chara, as they say. I love him. He's something else. He's's underrated and they are playing and again not everybody wants to

hear this but door because it's march madness we'll get that i'll spend a nanosecond on that because i could give a shit seaton hall could be in my kitchen right now i wouldn't go upstairs but uh uh but uh they are i i'm nervous like you said i'm they're gonna peak tour they are passing the puck around like the canad Canadians did in the 70s. They look great. They look like world beaters. Yeah. But I hear all the powers in the West, right?

Yeah. In NHL this year? That's where the best teams seem to be. I just watched San Jose beat New York last night, yesterday. The Blues have the best record in hockey. St. Louis, I like. The St. Louis is very similar to us. They have all their goal scores under 30 goals.

Is that right? It's all spread out? Yeah, they added Ryan Miller and they got three great defensemen and I like St. Louis a lot. But I like this squad. I think we got Hart. Dude. I was questioning it a couple months ago because they couldn't hold the lead. Right. They're kind of cocky and they did not

show up some games at Bruins. And soon as I started to think that, they went on this tear. Lou Cheech is running over people. In Montreal, he ran over this one guy three times and had a goal or a couple goals. And he's an animal. And Brad Marchand, I love. I love Marchand. And Bergeron might be one of the best players in hockey, period.

I agree. And so the Bs, yeah, don't blow your load too early. I love them. But Montreal always makes me nervous, especially in the playoffs. Playoffs? It's funny you say that because when I was a kid, I mean, you had reason. We couldn't get by them in the playoffs. Never.

For years. When I was a kid, in the 90s, I couldn't get by them. Yeah, but we sort of, the last few years, we've kind of, we knocked them out last year yeah but then we also had seven games last year i think it was wasn't it yes it always goes to seven with them and then we know before we blew a three nothing lead against them so you never know you just never know did i tell you david brenner died david brenner died he was uh playing hockey at the time of the death. So what else? Boston sports. Patriots.

A couple acquisitions. You hear about? Oh, what's his name? Darrell Rivas. Darrell Rivas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The shutdown corner. Yeah. When he plays, though, right?

Hasn't he hurt a bunch? No, no. He's actually pretty durable. I thought he missed all last season or something. Well, maybe. I don't know. But he's not an injury-prone guy. No.

You know me. I can't follow the offseason. I know. I like on the field. I hear you. I hear you. But if we not an injury-prone guy. No. You know me. I can't follow the offseason. I know. I like on the field. I hear you. I hear you. But if we're going to bring up Bruins sports, I mean, Boston sports. I feel like we lost about 90% of the audience on the Bruins talk.

Who? Joe, they're not even listening. They'll listen later on, and they can fast-forward. It's the beauty of a podcast. I don't give a fuck. Can you fast-forward a podcast? No. I was not.

I just made that up. Then Browner. We got this cornerback from Seattle who knocks people out all the time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was suspended. He's going to be suspended for the first four games of this year of the upcoming season with the Packers of, you know. That feels very Belichick to me.

This guy kills people. He's suspended. He's a piece of shit. We'll take him. I know. I love it. But this guy knocks people out. But it seems like their defensive back has been the problem.

No. Well, partly. But how about a pass rush? When's the last time we had a guy like Jared Allen, who's a free agent? Yeah, they should sign him. Right? He's the one that makes the porridge after the sack and throws it in the air. Yes. That guy's a beast. A white dude with a beard.

He looks like an angry neighbor. You know, doesn't he look... I mean, we need a pass rush. Anyways, that's the big... I didn't think you were going to say neighbor. That's the big Boston news. Yeah. Boston Marathon coming up.

I'm going, baby. Oh, are you? I go every year. I was there last year. I'm a survivor. You're a survivor. And he says this with no irony at all. He's been saying this For a year

Of course I'm being ironic No he's dead serious I was there I was there I was at Uno's One mile away I walked in the field That day

I was on the field At Fenway Oh yeah that's right And you were at Uno's When the bomb went off You hit with some Hot mozzarella I was on the field

At Fenway and Wrigley Field In the same summer Isn't that crazy That's terrific That's fucking unbelievable No last guy that could Say that at Ernie Banks He never played at Fenway and Wrigley Field in the same summer. Isn't that crazy? That's terrific. That's fucking unbelievable. No, last guy that could say that, Ernie Banks. He never played at Fenway. Sure he did.

What are you talking about? He was a barback. I'm going up there. You want to come? We got an extra ticket. But what I wanted to say, and I don't even have the article in front of me, but they're going to have psychologists along the road. Did you hear about this?

No. This is why with the softest country on the face of the earth and why Putin is stepping all over. It's this mentality. Yeah, they have psychologists there for people who are going to go to war. I stopped reading at that. I didn't want to know anymore. I might see one. I can't afford therapy.

Well, I can't now with Obamacare. There you go. Big ups to Obama. You're killing it, buddy. But don't get off the point here. They have shrinks at the... Help me out with that. That left-leaning horseshit psychobabble.

I think it's nice. What are you kidding? Oh, it's the stupidest thing. I'm going to talk to a couple... Get over it. I'm going to talk to a couple of my dad not hugging me and still having a mustache and my shoe fitted. But that's not what they're there for. They're going to go, are you scared because of what happened last time?

What are they going to do? Give you a handjob? Send you out on the track? I think it's going to be a fun day. Ticket prices are more expensive than last year. People are coming back tenfold. I don't know what tenfold means to be honest. I'm going. I can't wait. I love Patriots. I never miss it.

You know what tenfold means? Look at the back of Vince Wilfork's neck. You'll see tenfold. By the way, we're losing him. I forgot to mention that. Is that right? He requested his release from the Patriots.

Why? I don't know. And how are we going to replace Brandon Spikes? I don't know. We've got more holes in it. We'll get some cleats. All right. Yeah.

Get a couple of your girlfriends with their boots on. I don't follow the offseason stuff. I watch when it starts. I like the games. SportsCenter, I just find unwatchable. I don't watch that either. Read the paper. But I'm saying you're not going to see a headline about the game. stuff i watch when it starts i like the games no sports center i just find unwatchable i like i don't watch that either read the paper but i'm saying you're not gonna read the papers you see a headline about the getting revis you're gonna fucking ignore it that's your husband that's your

husband joe's doing lines from dumb movies that's the godfather what are you talking about no fuck the snow that's the first time i've heard you reference like a movies. Joe usually does something from like, I don't know. I reference Goodfellas every time. That's all we do. We talk in Goodfellas. I'm not counting those. It's the other ones that you'll do a line from like Dune and I'm supposed to get it. Or Backdraft.

Yes. Or Backdraft. Backdraft. Stay on. Segway into concussions. I'm watching the Sunday morning shows. I don't know if I can't remember if it was meet the press. I think it was this week with George Stephanopoulos.

And of course, Jeremy Schaap. Anytime there's something politically correct story, he breaks it. I love Jeremy Schaap. I know you would. I like Dick Schaap the most. Me too. The old man was great. He was my favorite.

No, they're both good. But I'm just saying Jeremy Schaap did this. Now the concussion problem is a crisis. They're thinking about not letting kids play tackle football until they're 15. Do you see what's happening, folks? They're deballing everything that made this country great. Competition. Anything that reeks of a little bit of testosterone, we have to change the culture.

That's what they said in the piece. We're going to change the culture. Hey, you know, your kids don't have to play football. Nobody's forcing them. But don't ruin it for the fucking kids who are playing. And it's not a crisis, okay? More kids died banging their heads on falling off skateboards. This was a couple years ago.

Like 38 kids died in the last three years on skateboards. So it's hardly a football crisis. I'm so tired of it. Do you feel that way? It's just more feminization of, I know there's a little bit of a, you know what I mean? But it's not a crisis. Right. Don't you think kids can play tackle football under 15?

I mean, I think they should. I never put enough thought or time into it. I mean, people, I don't give a shit. I should have mailed the topics to you. I would have my kid play football, I guess. I mean, I can see the point. It seems dangerous to have 12-year-old kids running headfirst into each other. Does it, though? They only weigh

110 pounds. They have weight limits. I played youth football. Look at me. I'm fine. Hold on. I just shit myself. Would you let your kid play football? Absolutely. I'd make it mandatory bobby kelly said he wouldn't let his son play football oh that's good you know what bobby um he can join the he can join the local theater company and and then his senior year when he's the lead in the

mouse that roared and you go into the men's room to take a piss during intermission and you open a stall and he's blowing the other lead kevin but is it dangerous you think it's dangerous what the fuck was that i forgot to shut off the sound effects you gotta take your pill um what is it 10 year old kids running head-on to each other yes that's dangerous i guess right uh everything's dangerous we can't you can't make a risk-free world is what i'm saying it's part of football what are you gonna do put sponges on the head i mean seriously it's getting ridiculous i don't like when they say we have to go after the culture do you understand right that's everything that that's a little bit little boys don't have any male role models

anymore to look up to they put them on riddlin in the you know in the second grade because just because they act like little boys they don't want them playing with fake guns. They're de-balling them. Who do they look up to? Who's their male role model? The cake boss? I mean, seriously. It's just, I hate they throw the word crisis in, and they said it's because of a macho culture. Anything that reeks of testosterone.

I've been saying this. Yeah, they're trying to crush that. Yeah, you can't really be like a man anymore. I'd love to ask Putin. Well, Putin, would you let little Russian kids play football? How do you want to put them on a bike with a pink helmet? It's not fair. It's not fair.

They do the same thing to the foot fetishists. They're trying to get rid of all of them, you know? They're trying to embarrass them and push them out of society. But we're staying around. It pisses me off. No, they really are. They're trying to suck every ounce of, you know, testosterone out of society but we're staying around it pisses me no they really are they're trying to suck every ounce of uh you know testosterone out of this and the name of what so you can be more like france we make fun of france we saved them but that's where that's where we want you know

that's what progressives want to go what do you think of the whole thing in crimea they had the uh yesterday, and they voted to, you know, they want to be part of Russia again. Yeah, it seems like it might be fixed. Yeah, I don't know. You had 40,000 Russian troops with guns pointing at the ballot box. Right. Well, right now, I feel like the way the media, I could, Russia could have annihilated Crimea, and I wouldn't even have noticed because I've been following the Malaysia thing.

We'll get to that. Malaysia's just taken over. I feel like the whole country is just watching the Malaysia flight now and Russia, we could be a war with Russia right now. That's probably how they want it. Maybe the government has just made up the whole thing. Maybe the Malaysia flight never even happened. We're just at war with Russia right now.

Holy shit. You never know. That's pretty good, Joe. It's not bad. That's a pretty good theory. It's like wag the dog. But I'm just saying, it's kind of a segue from our soft society. You know.

To Putin, who's a little too far the other way. Every time you see him, you know, he's shirtless wrestling a bear in his backyard as he's fucking two hookers. But there's got to be a happy medium. But this is serious shit and you don't and again you're gonna tell me he didn't see what happened in syria and go oh yeah obama's got a lot of balls um and i'm not blaming it totally on obama because this shit's been festering for a while but uh i think the time and it's not a coincidence that we have a community organizer around the country and he's gonna going up against KGB, ex-KGB thug.

Right. Well, Jill Stein wouldn't have stood for this, I'll tell you that. She would have planted some trees in Crimea and taken care of the whole thing. And they're saying he might even take more of the Ukraine, like the eastern Ukraine. He's got troops over there. He's not playing games, man. He's slowly going to take it all over. I'm like, you know, it's way over there.

It's like, okay, but once he starts encroaching on, like, actual NATO countries, then maybe we pull out the guns. Right. You can't start a war over it. We're war-weary, obviously, right? With Iraq and Afghanistan. We're exhausted. We have no fucking money.

But John Kerry, what a useless, huh? He goes, this isn't 21st century behavior like like putin you know like nobody has ambitions to take over the world in the 21st century how do we stop him joe what do you do i don't know i'll tweet at him see what happens i think we got twitter and jill stein that's what i say all right uh what what's your what's your opinion on the whole malaysia airline malaysia well i think it's all made Jill Stein. That's what I say. All right. What's your opinion on the whole Malaysia airline? Malaysia? Well, I think it's all made up. I think it's created in a movie studio.

No, you don't. No, I don't know. It's fascinating. It's exciting. I kind of hope that they've landed the plane somewhere. They're living on their own society. Well, like, are you watching too much TV? Like, lost to me?

I don't watch any TV. That's the problem. I just read headlines and make it up. I don't know. I mean, it seems crazy. It seems like the pilots have something to do with it. It's too hard to believe that there's two Iranians with stolen passports on them that aren't in cahoots.

Well, how about the pilots, you know, whose names are Malik Freak, Muhammad, Halakhan, Halakhanan. Not to be stereotypical. The guy has, one of them has a simulator in his house. An airplane simulator in his house. And they have a picture of him wearing a t-shirt that says democracy is dead is that right yeah oh democracy is dead and today in the new very odd something um somebody was i don't know there was somebody over there that he follows a politician that was sentenced i don't't know. He's gay or something.

And he was sentenced. I don't know. I didn't get the whole story. But no, but it's very odd that there's no trace of. It seems like pilot suicide to me. It's exciting. But maybe. But it's possible, too, that the last contact could have been from the ground, they said. And they could have landed it somewhere.

And they're planning a whole fucking thing. They're turning it into a weapon. Turning it into a weapon? The plane. On the ground? That's the whole plan, yeah. They could be turning that thing into a fucking bomb. Where?

First of all, if it's on the ground somewhere, what do you mean, like it's at a chop shop in Queens? Well, like, Pakistan, they're like, no, it didn't show up on our radar. We would have noticed it. We would have thought of it as a threat, but maybe they're full no it didn't we didn't show up on our radar we would have noticed we would have thought of it as a threat but maybe they're full of shit maybe it landed in pakistan the pakistanians are fucking you know some al-qaeda's no no i know that is a theory it is a theory also they i read somewhere that they could have uh just gotten rid of all the cabin pressure just killed everyone in the back without even well when they went up to 40 000 45 000 feet

right that would knock everybody unconscious who wasn't in the cockpit. That's right, because of the pressure. That's why they think it's pilot. Another thing is those two guys didn't request working together, so it might just be one of them. I think it is one of them. They didn't request working together? No, that's what I read. I thought they met on Chuck Willery's.

I mean, they knew each other, but it wasn't like, hey, we need to fly together. I got to fly with my buddy here because we're planning a big coup or whatever. I watched, did you know the TWA 800 one? Yeah, that's the scariest one. I watched a movie about it. Did you watch the documentary? What are you kidding me? I was on that plane.

Yeah. I'll tell you what really happened. I watched the documentary. This guy, the biggest flaw I've ever seen In a movie in my life The guy does an hour and a half Convincing that it's a conspiracy theory Yeah

He completely convinces me Yeah That fucking missiles shot it out Then he offers no explanation As to who or why The movie just ends And I'm like So you convinced me that the

Plane was shot by this guy I saw that too I know the one you're talking about And then he just is like That's the end And I'm like Well who did it and why? What's the motive?

It doesn't make sense. Well, I'll tell you who did it. Some drunken college kids in Astoria. You can, no, but that was one of the theories. They had like, you know,

terrorists like on a building in Queens at a rocket launcher. Right. That close to the airport. Right. But did you, the thing

about flight 800 that was so scary, did you see how it broke up and stuff? Yeah, yeah. The front of the plane breaks off and it it continues to climb it was like titanic yeah it continues to climb for another couple miles but that's their story yeah whose story that's the government's story the fbi story was it yeah but all these thought it

was the eagle scouts the all these uh twa investigators whatever say it was something else i don't know I don't know. I don't know anything about these things. So as far as the Malaysian plane, you think it might be somewhere in a garage, parked in a garage in Pakistan? Yeah, maybe. It could be. It could be, right? I don't know.

But here's why all things point towards suicide. The Indian Ocean has the deepest, it's the deepest ocean. The spots where it's, the spots where it's uh what is it 23 000 leagues no 23 miles down wow 23 miles jesus that's almost a marathon to you and me 23 000 five miles no it's like 23 mile 23 miles wow that's 5 280 feet times 23 it has the deepest some of the deepest spots in the world that ocean ocean. So if you were going to commit suicide and you wanted nobody to find it, plus where you get out of radar range over the Indian Ocean, some spots, you know what I mean? So if you wanted nobody to find it, that's where you'd do it.

The whole thing's fascinating. And this could take years. Some other flight a few years ago, 2008 or something, took like three years to find the black box. Yeah, yeah. And they were still pinging when they found them. Yeah. Two years later. I don't know what ping means exactly.

Ping. It's sending out a, you know, a wavelength. Oh, one of those things. Oh, interesting. Are you from this country? I gave Joe oregano today on his pizza. He goes, I've never had oregano. I've probably had it, but I never had it myself.

You really are so Irish. I didn't eat chicken until I was like 25 years old. I didn't eat pussy until I was 21. And now I can't stop. And you had them both at the same time, didn't you? I put oregano on the lips. You find a chicken wing in this, girls? That's horrible.

If we go from Malaysia, do you eat chicken? You ever put any spices on a lady's vagina? Have I put spices on a lady's vagina? Like crushed red pepper or something. I did put some curry on this girl. She was very bland from London. I put a little curry in, when I put the Tabasco on, she did front handsprings. I saw a tartar sauce coming out of one.

No, I've never, have you? You put spices? You're fascinating me, Joe. You put spices on? No. What are you, trying to kill the smell? I've never. Have you? You put spices? You're fascinating me, Joe. You put spices on? No. What are you, trying to kill the smell? I'm joking. But I do love eating a good puss.

No, people do that, though. Yeah, oh, yeah. They get the food involved. I've never had any food involved in my sex. I was going to, one time, I whipped cream this girl. But I ended up doing whippets. I mean, I went down there. She goes, right there.

I'm like, I got it. That's a true story. Oh, boy. I don't know. I think I've covered it all. Joe making quite an effort to get up here, and I appreciate it. Yeah, three trains, six trains, round trip. You're like my grandparents coming over from Italy.

Donnie, your grandma ought to take a shit on the boat. It was an arduous journey. I felt like, oh, shit. You know what? When I'm going back, that's probably going to be peak. I have an off-peak ticket. They might bust my balls for that. Look at, here comes the nervous Joe. I wasn't thinking.

I know there's a lot I'm going to think about the rest of the trip. I'll give you $20. I'm going to be like Antonio Andolini. A little more business to take care of. What the fuck was that? I don't know, but it's a perfect reminder for me to do a commercial. Hey, Joe, let me ask you a question. What's more painful, shaving with a crusty old blade

or shelling out $25 for a pack of new ones? I'm asking a guy who hasn't shaved you. I'm going to shave. Don't make that choice. Join Dollar Shave Club. For a couple bucks a month, Joe, DollarShaveClub.com will ship amazing quality blades and other cool bathroom stuff right to your door.

It couldn't be easier. Just pick up one of the great razors, and like clockwork, you'll get a package in the mail once a month with everything you need for a great shave. And Dollar Shave Club blades are just as good as the big boys, but they are a fraction of the price. Not an everyday shaver? Join the club and opt for delivery every other month that's right every other month with dollar shave club you can afford to treat yourself to a fresh blade every week and nothing feels better than that well i can think of a couple things stop trudging to the store for overpriced blades and stop cutting up your face by squeezing too

many shaves out of that last blade in the pack. You ever do that? You look like a seal when you're done. Join Dollar Shave Club. They've got more razors. They also have, oh, look, they got a ton of stuff. You got to try their Dr. Carver's Easy Shave Butter, the best thing you can put on your face before shaving it. They've also, here's something for you, Joe they've also got one wipe charlie's the peppermint infused butt wipes for men oh wow

i need that for sure yeah then your girlfriend how'd you like a klondike bar join me and everyone at the nick the pala podcast and the hundreds of thousands of guys who have upgraded to the smarter way to shave. Shave time. Shave money. Join DollarShaveClub.com. That's DollarShaveClub.com. Any gigs you want to plug, Joey? Oh, boy. Well, I got Go Bananas, April 24th to 27th. I'm doing my album.

I think I plugged that last time I was on here. You're doing a what? A new one? I'm recording a new album, baby. It's going to be big. At Bananas? At Go Bananas. Yeah.

Good for you. The album's going to be big. At Bananas? At Go Bananas, yeah. Good for you. The album's going to be called Are You Mad at Me? And this is my last push into show business. If this doesn't work, I'm going to a trucking school. I might go with you. Which one? I don't know. It's got a reference to Top Gun, to be honest.

But yeah, I got that gig. And check out my podcast, Tuesdays with Stories on iTunes. And it's a big pod. I'd love to have you on sometime. I'm going to come down there and do that experimental room. You should do the show. It's Stand Up Labs. Tomorrow night? You should do it. Well, I mean, maybe you can do it. It's not every night. You got to tell them you want to do the Nick DiPaolo.

Oh, I have to do my podcast from there? No, no. You do a show. You call them and say, I want the space. Stand Up Labs. Oh, so it's not open every night? I thought you guys did. I thought you did your podcast there every night. No, we do it podcast from there no no you do a show you call them and say i want the space stand-up labs oh so it's not open every night i thought you guys did i thought you did your podcast there every night no every tuesday i mean we do it tuesday afternoon oh in the afternoon all right but uh yeah if you call them and get the space and just do a show they'll put some people they'll tweet it and okay because i have to start over folks this is how the process works i mean i'll still do some

of the stuff you're gonna to see on the new DVD, but I have to push it away and start over again. And this is how it works. It's every night for the next two years, you know? That's the problem with being successful. I've been doing the same hour since 1981. Anyways, thanks, Joey. Yeah, thanks for having me.

That's Joey List. Love being here. Let me plug my gigs. Tampa at the end of the month. By the way, Joe List will be featuring for me. Plug my gigs. Tampa at the end of the month. By the way, Joe Liss will be featuring for me.

Tampa, the side split is in Tampa, Florida, the 27th through the 29th of March. And then Carolines the following weekend, New York City on Broadway, April 4th through 6th at Carolines. Then I think the next weekend, April 11th and 12th, Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant. And at the end of April, the Improv in Tempe, Arizona, April 25 through 27. Kids, always great to talk to you. Take care of yourselves. March Madness, we didn't get to it. We'll get to it, you know, when they're in round two or something. Right.

Right? Jill Stein, 2016. Jill Stein. Jill Stein, 2016. guitar solo I'm out. Bye.