The Nick DiPaolo Show - 022 - Joe Matarese

Episode Date: March 25, 2014

Nick is joined by comedian Joe Matarese.   RiotCast.com

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, kids. DePaulo coming back at you. How are you? Big day today. Got a buddy, very funny, from Fixing Joe, which is a web series. Joe Mattarese is in the house. Great comedian, too, by by the way and a great dad and a all-around good guy joey what's happening how are you man thanks for making the trek thanks

for letting me let me come into the the nick de paulo podcast oh dude i mean it's picking up steam it's gonna be 50 60 people you really every week talk i've been listening and you talk like you have nobody listening but i think you do i think you gotta i think i talk like i have nobody yeah you're always like what are four people what are two people listening i'm like come on you know me i want everything yesterday i did have a radio show you know like three four hundred thousand people listening or whatever but let me get this ad out of the way okay all right uh it's a good sign there's three of them coming today uh hey guys what's more joe what's more painful than shaving with crusty old blades? How the hell?

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The older you get, the more times I i gotta wipe my ass before it's done before it's like it's it's it's it's doable to actually go live life it's like it's like one of those things i never wrote it in my notebook as a premise i'm like this is so hacky talking about wiping your ass or whatever but i really want to talk to i don't even want it as a joke i really want to know am i the only guy that like every six months it becomes more wipes? Well, you're a little OCD to begin with. I can imagine you're probably wiping until you're bleeding. I do.

I wipe until I see blood. Yeah. Well, let's. Why do we do that? Dice had a bit about that. Remember Dice about washing your ass? Something like, what's going to happen? You're on a bus going cross town.

You think some chick's going to tongue your ass? That's true. Why do I think my wife's going to tongue my ass? She's not going to do that. No, I'm the same way. I'm very anal. No pun intended about that. You know what I mean?

I have one of the cleanest asses in Westchester County. I was in her magazine for that. Actually, Rich Voss claimed that he had the cleanest ass in the business. That's what he said. Rick, please. I wouldn't even be out of his kitchen if it wasn't for that. So how's the wife, Stephanie? Wife is good. Joe's got a really smoking hot wife and she's like a psychiatrist. What is she?

She's a psychologist. Chest surgeon? Chest surgeon. She's a psychologist. Chest surgeon? Chest surgeon. She's a psychologist. Yes. Yeah, and that's got to be. I mean, you're OCD. She's a shrink. You guys found each other, right?

That's amazing. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird. It's a definite situation, as you would say. Say it like Tony Sivana. It's a fucking situation. You got a fucking shrink for a wife that's a fucking problem okay sorry dude that's gonna be doing a lot i want you to i'll make you do that in the next 20 every 20 minutes it's my

fucking face that is so right on the money oh my god i forgot i even do that impression until you just like looked at me a certain way i don't know i forget that i can do a tony voice i remember we were at a gig and i impressed your wife because we were talking about something medical i always remember this what was it joe remember i thought you're gonna steal my wife away no but i was impressing myself you brought up the aluminum and something alzheimer's yeah i said they think it has something to do with aluminum. And she almost fell down the stairs. Yeah. You probably caused a fight in my marriage. Like, why doesn't my husband know this?

He should care about aluminum and Alzheimer's. I was offended that she was so shocked that I could come up with something intelligent. She's not even used to a comedian making eye contact, let alone knowing something. That's what she studies, Alzheimer's disease. That's her thing. How long you been married to stuff? We're eight years married. Eight years. I'm 11 last

weekend. And this past Saturday, well, today. Today. 20 years. I met my wife 20 years ago today. 20 years, man. Yeah. That's you, not me. Is it really? I had that on for you.

I'm professional. Oh, that's horrible. Hello? Get out of here. I'm doing a show. There's no way you're editing that. That's unbelievable. Look, the house phone I put in the other room, I hid in the other room.

I left it on in case you got lost coming down here. Oh, no. I remembered the long, long, long road that just keeps going. Where'd you meet the wife? I have a third. Do you have any cousins? I don't know if this is an Italian thing. It's probably just everybody that you just never met.

Third cousins. How would I know that my cousins would never met him? I had like a third. Oh, you mean I know that they exist? I didn't even really know he existed. Yeah. And he was a third cousin and he started dabbling in stand-up and he contacted me when i was at my parents house yeah and i was because i was doing a gig down there in south jersey yeah and he goes i'd like to come by and pick your brain i just started trying stand-up out and he was a psychologist too he was studying at Drexel, where my wife was studying.

We hadn't met yet. We start doing gigs together. We become friends. I go, dude, you got to start coming to these shows. So every show was like a therapy session, because he was studying to be a psychologist. And I was single at the time, and I was just bitching. I'm like, I'm going to be fucking single until I'm 50. It's so funny when you're single and like 35, you think it's bad. And then like you get married and all your friends are like, dude, you had it made.

What the fuck were you thinking that you needed to be in a relationship? You think you hear that a lot. You have kids. Yeah. You have kids. People go, you don't have kids? Why'd you get fucking married? And I go, I don't know.

I got to call a lawyer today. It's a good point. I never thought of it. No, I know why. I mean, but I'll tell you why. When people ask me, why did you get married? You had a man. I never see Todd Barry.

Does he ever look happy? No. I do. I think about comedians like that. I don't want to be that guy. I got married because, look, I had fun between ages of 18 and 40 something. I got a lot of ass. I had a nice head of hair, a couple of teeth left,

nice little tan. I was getting laid all the time. And then after a while, I remember being on the road fucking some hot chick and just going, get out of my room. This isn't fun anymore.

I've seen a tits. I've seen a snatch. And I was, I was, and here's the other, but here's the real reason. You know why you get married? I said,

because Sundays are lonely in holidays. When you, when you, you buy holidays. When you're by yourself. There were times I spent a lot of Sundays, you know? Well, Chris Rock has the best joke, and it's dead on. What's he say? You have two choices in life. Married and bored or singled and lonely. That's it.

I thought that was Richard Jennings. Did you really? Yeah. Did he do it too? Not anymore. Love him. God bless him. Please, I love Jennings. that's it i thought that was uh richard jenny did you really yeah did he do it too not anymore love him god bless him oh yeah please i love jenny he's the best he would have appreciated that joke that's why i threw it i met my wife i met my wife uh i remember i remember uh i was working part-time and a five and dime and uh boss was Mr. McGee.

He told me several times that he didn't like my kind because I was a bit too leisurely. You know what I'm doing? You don't know? What song is that? Raspberry Berry. Oh, God.

That was at Caroline. She came in through the outdoor, the dumb bitch. In through the outdoor, the outdoor. Okay, yeah. No, I met, yeah, I met my wife at Caroline edge she came in with like her best friend at the time and um i think i told this one on the park she saw me on hbo young comedian special and she told her sister i'm gonna marry that guy really yeah wow see that's good man that you married

somebody i put her through hell though for a few years before we get her i was with her nine years before i got married oh nine years i proposed after one did you really i was 37 man i was afraid of hitting 40 and being and being single and lonely guy well who gives a shit i was thinking what was i 41 when i got married florentine still used to say the best because i used to whine to Florentine. Yeah. Now, this is going to be a Florentine impression too, but I can't tell. I love Florentine impressions. Well, I can't tell a story about Florentine without doing his voice,

but I was literally like, dude, I don't want to be single and stuff. And he'd be like, why? What's so bad? He goes, what, are you going to go do fucking Stress Factory and pull fucking trains? You think you're going to be sad When you're fucking having two on ones After you're fucking getting at the stress factory

That's what he used to say And I was like, yeah, you got a point What am I complaining about It was LA It was LA that took me down Because LA Being single isn't like being single in New York. New York is, you don't need money, I always used to say.

If you got a good rap, you're okay looking. No, absolutely. You can do well. LA is a fucking nightmare. LA, if you're not famous, you're just a fucking loser. No, that's why I felt I had the right to treat women like shit in LA. Yeah. I wasn't out there too long before my wife followed me out there, you oh you're glad she can no she followed me she lived with you out there yeah

and i'm glad it's so funny i'm like i just met her i don't want her coming out here i'm gonna you know i had done three arsenio halls i thought i was gonna be huge and uh she comes out and thank god she came out because la is the loneliest place i remember you know coming out of a nice restaurant and people are pulling up you know you got like uh leonardo dicaprio coming out of the same restaurant you are you know ferrari pulls up and then you know my my fucking old cutlass pulls up with a broken headlight and the girl i'm with leaves me just she goes i'll fucking hitchhike home how long how long did you last in los angeles i stayed out there four and a half four years i was gonna say if you bring somebody who who you're in a relationship with,

you can last a little longer. I only lasted a year and a half single. I was having, when I left, this is no shit. And I tell people this, I'm not even joking. When I left L.A., the week I remember moving, I was having imaginary arguments in the shower with, like, imaginary agents that I didn't even have. I swear to God, I was talking about it. My wife, who was my girlfriend at the time caught me many times like talking to myself i was

so frustrated and fuck i saw her shrink i did what you did right i mean i was you know in la yeah for about seven months because the anger was just you know it and the end that just i don't know here's another classic to that you see you're not you're proud of that no no no i was fucking nuts when i lived i want to say this for me and tony soprano's race i want you to say this i know what you're gonna make me say about him uh going i'm just another fucking victim you know one of these douchebags that comes in and out of your office have you said that to dr melvis no give? No. That's the line? Yeah, something like that. At least I'm not one of these douchebags.

At least I'm not. At least I'm not one of these fucking douchebags that comes in and out of your fucking office. Fucking crying about their fucking life. It ain't fucking bad. Shut the fuck up. Dude, I would be doing that. I wish impressions people frown on them if i could do something like that dead on i mean i do poly walnuts i was gonna say when i'm in a good mood on stage

you know i'll throw it in here and there but uh but it's more facial you know in the fucking hand gesture what the fuck t i left three dimes on the table no how you doing hon there's some comic i forget his name he does everybody from the surprise i'll tell you um what's his name john italian kid right kind of a pretty boy blonde hair no oh this is a different guy then yeah you're thinking yeah. You're thinking of Jimmy Pingel. No. John, come on. There's a kid from like Yonkers or Queens. I don't know. You don't?

Rob Magnotti. He does all the Sopranos characters? Unbelievable. He's like great. I told this kid, I go, what are you doing? Dude, you should be in Vegas. Danny Gans died, whatever his name. Danny Gans.

Remember he dropped dead? Yeah, yeah. Everybody says that about Magnotti. And I poked my head into a Danny Gans show once. I was fucking, they were like my uncle doing impressions. It's Thanksgiving. They were a little off. Oh, they're not perfect.

Well, some of them. I didn't watch the whole show. Right, right, right. But Magnaudy is fucking dead on with Travolta and the Goodfellas guy. And I said, go to Vegas. You should be a fucking trillionaire, dude. How do you just show up in Vegas, though, and get the show? You know, you don't show up.

You put it up yourself somewhere in Vegas and then hope someone grabs it? Yeah, you know you don't show it up yourself somewhere in vegas and then hope someone grabs it you know how that works you're playing at the golden nugget 50 miles outside of vegas and you get shot in the ass and you end up on heroin it's like a direct tv commercial um so we went back back to the marriage thing yeah so sad so saturday night me and my wife went to some like great restaurant up here in Westchester, like seven miles from here. It's a house. It's in a neighborhood.

I've heard about this place. Peter Pratt's place. Is this a place where it's like on a farm and they have like- Oh, no. There's many of those up there. Yeah. Yeah. This is a place you might have heard.

It's called Burger King. No. It's in a house. It's called fucking Burger King. No. It's called Peter Pratt's Place. It's the house where George Washington lived or had his headquarters

for his, whatever the fuck. What town's it in? It's in Mount Kisco. No, it's off of Rua. It's like Briarcliff, man. I don't know. Briarcliff, man. I'm not even sure. Should I bring my wife there? But the point is, you pull into a neighborhood. It's like going to a cul-de-sac.

And it's this big old house. It's so big that they can fit a restaurant in the basement. So you walk in. There's a beautiful fireplace. It's the house from 1700 and something. And the food is amazing. And we're there Saturday night. But there was a table next to a bunch of people.

They're having like a business meeting. They all have their name tags. And there was an Asian woman on there sitting at the table table and she was getting like really belligerent and loud which i still don't get used to every time i see asian people they seem nice and polite why are they loud because they moved to america and turned into assholes that's why but she started to get like she must have had a few in her i think she looked like that age she might have been going through the change and she's over there and she's talking like this and that doesn't have any say to me and then i say and i i fuck that she starts cursing and i'm looking i'm getting aggravated because it's bothering my dinner you know

and uh i used to when i was this is definitely you could tell the difference of my writing before meds and after meds because i take antidepressants now yeah but before them like i had a joke about wishing people like that had volume knobs on their backs and i used to just do like an asian voice really loud and i would joke could you lower her and i would just fucking tune her down a little bit to like a one or a two they're always at eight she was getting like belligerent she was mad at somebody or finally she she cursed kind of loud and the guy next to her was like older guy with a nice suit on goes he goes to her shut the fuck up you're disgusting he goes you shouldn't be talking about that she goes i have to i have to talk about it

and then i'm starting to get irritated my wife's like calm down so i start going like this just tell me i'm not a 12 year old boy i start going just loud enough like the people around me started looking at me i'm like a 10 year old kid i'm going and my wife's going shut up i go they can't hear it they're yelling they're fighting with each other i'm over there going and this is like one of those restaurants you have to wear a jacket to be you know you don't it looks like one of those joints, but you don't. I wore my painter's pants and a Red Sox t-shirt. Then I had the duck. But tell me I'm not like eight years old. I'm getting thinking out.

And I'm starting to do it loud, and you see people looking at me. Did anyone laugh? Well, people looking at me out of the corner of their eye. So it was kind of, but it was a nice evening you know in the house in the house i'm doing that so hey joey let's uh let's talk about why you're here pal fixing joe okay is is this it's a web series right is it already up and like running it is there's how many episodes have you done we shot the whole thing It's done And Well here's the thing

There were three old ones That were like the pilot They were eight months ago Then Official Comedy bought Ten more So We went okay Not knowing how hard that

You're getting paid? Yeah we got paid And how hard it is This is good Not a lot of money I don't give a shit Yeah It's hard to make money

Doing like a web thing. Yes. Made a little. Yeah. You know. Spent that on weed. Go ahead. But you know, you have your decisions to make.

You could spend all of it and try to make the thing phenomenal. Or you, you know, you start to figure out how much do you want to spend and how good do you want it to be? I have a friend who's amazing at shooting and editing and doing all that kind of stuff and that's what he does for a living so he how is gallagher so uh yeah so uh now there's 13 we shot my wife upstairs he's getting that dinner so good so uh so yeah they there's 13 of them and two a week come out. Three new ones came up last week when I contacted you,

and now it's two a week until they're all up, 13. That's damn good. And I pulled some, okay? I pulled one that I liked. Okay, I'm curious what you would like. And then you sent me one. Joe's so funny. First of all, I say to Joe, I send him an email, and Joe's really ocd

and he's i send him an email and i go we're gonna do the podcast 4 30 on monday and i know but i thought you said on a monday i didn't know you meant this monday for on monday okay there was not it was no a before the word monday so i say on my 4 30 on monday and the minute i hit sent i go he's gonna he's gonna go i can't i get kindergarten or softball some shit because he's got a life two kids two i have two wait a minute when did you have the girl who's older the girl the boy boy boy's first grade six do i even know about the girl how old i've told you But you haven't met my daughter She's two She just turned two Jesus Christ

You really are Mr. Mom I am So I'm like There's no way he's gonna Sure enough Two seconds later An email comes back I gotta be home

My kid gets out of school At 4.15 And then my wife Won't be home till 5 It's very complicated He gets home Yeah He gets off the bus

And there's been times Where I Let him walk Like us kids did No he can't let himself In the house and just be there at six years old. Why not? Is he a pussy? I'm a grown-

I should get him keys. That'd be hilarious. He just lets himself in at six years old. He would destroy the house. He'd eat every cookie in the fucking house. No, but isn't that funny, though? I walked home from school in first grade. But your mom was probably there.

The fuck? What? At home? When I got there? Yeah, that's what I mean. I'm not. What if no one's home? My wife has a job.

Oh, I forgot. My wife's not there. I forgot she's one of those. If someone was there, he could. I'm only kidding. He's sick. She can't do that. But if there was someone home, he walks to the front door.

I don't go get him. Oh, because a lot of people do. I got behind a bus up here in Westchester. It stops at every house. You ever do that? What the fuck is this? I used to walk a mile and a half. Not to sound like a 90-year-old man.

They stop at every house. It's true. What the fuck is that about? How many pedophiles are in Westchester? Jesus Christ. It is so true. Every house. I fucking blew around the bus.

I could have got arrested. That stupid stop sign came up. You blew the stop house. I fucking blew around the bus. I could have got arrested. That stupid stop sign came up. You blew the stop sign? I blew right around the motherfucker. I know the kids. I've been behind the same bus for so long. I know how many kids are getting off at each stop. I go, that's where the redhead lives.

You haven't timed. Bus driver's leaning on the horn. I'm giving him the burr. I got to get home. The stooges are on. But go ahead. So you got two kids. Yeah.

And, but tell them, Fix and Joe, tell them why you, I'm all over the place. I hate interviewing. No, you're doing good. Okay, thanks.

You're doing good. So, yeah, so it's just basically the show is about my life and, you know, every episode is all real stuff. And then we had actors and it's like stand-up. You exaggerate where you can exaggerate to make it stuff. And then we had actors, and it's like stand-up.

You exaggerate where you can exaggerate to make it funny. And then you try. The hard part is going, how much do I want to exaggerate here to the point where it's absurd? Same with stand-up. If you exaggerate too much, the people are like, shut up. Well, yeah. That didn't happen. There is.

Hyperbole, they call it. It's a tool. Brian Reagan's very good at it. Yeah. Well, yeah. That didn't happen. There is. Hyperbole, they call it. It's a tool. Yeah. Brian Reagan's very good at it. Yeah. Hyperbole. But that's your style. If you go too far with it.

Because you're like a comic that starts with, there's got to be a little bit of real anger about the subject. You can't fake the subject that you're mad about. Well, I notice that people who are faking it are doing much better than I am. Really? Well, don't you notice that? I mean, I can name some comics. You really think they're that upset about,

you know, I don't know, ice cream or toaster ovens? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It seems like the more benign the subject matter, the better they're doing. Right. You know, I come out and make a few cracks about race

and, hey, put him in a corner. He's dangerous. Right. But for you, it probably works better, though, when there's a little bit's danger right but uh i pulled for you it probably works better though when there's a little bit of real anger about it has to be well i wake up like that i woke up in six five six years old i was like that you're like what are you pissed about i don't know maybe somebody finger popped me in pre-k i don't know you have fuckhead but uh my best sets yeah my some of my best sets ever at the Comedy Cellar and Governor's in Long Island,

I was late because of the weather or whatever. I couldn't find a parking spot, and I come running in. Colin Quinn, you said you should do that every night. I remember coming into the cellar many nights, running on stage, don't have time to take my coat off, and just going crazy about somebody who cut me off with the traffic and shit. And it ends up being 15 minutes of just vitriol. And the people just be this, them sensing that it's real.

Oh, they find you much funnier. Definitely. You know? So there's all, I agree. You gotta be a little bit of, there's gotta be a little bit of that.

Yeah. So hopefully that comes through in the episodes. The one I sent you today is when I really got Bell's palsy and it had some, a scene where I talked to myself in the mirror as rocky i'm not playing that one i know i didn't have time that's when i why i sent you it because i know you like rocky and mickey and then mickey is me in the mirror giving me advice back because i'm afraid to go on stage give us give us a little rocky well it it really happened man i woke up with bell's palsy oh you told me that bell's palsy, for you people who don't know,

it's people who shit their pants around the clock. No, no. Your face becomes a little paralyzed. Yeah. And your mouth droops on one side, which is perfect. First of all, that's God's way of telling you you should be doing impression. Joe does the best Sylvester Stallone you've ever heard,

and now God is paralyzing your mouth like his? That's a sign. That's a sign. That's a sign. Well, you're a Sopranos fan, huge. So the guy who plays my Italian doctor in a few episodes of this web series had a pretty good part on Sopranos. I'll tell you who it is. I'll tell you what his part was. His name's Lou Martini, and he played a guy who sold Tony Glass's.

Yes. That was Johnny Sachs' son-in-law. Yes. And by the way, the woman in the show that he was married to, the fat girl Jenny, she died in real life. Oh, really? She's gone. Now we can go back. She's gone.

It's true, though. She died. You're making the greatest face. But it's sad I watched the show The other night Right On TV

And there's a scene With Ginny Ginny Sack Johnny's wife And Gandolfini And I'm going Both these people are gone That's crazy

She was like in her 30s Or whatever Or 40s Yeah it's crazy But I know Lumar I think we had him on The Nick and Artie show Did you

Yeah Yeah he knows Artie Yeah And he knows Jimmy Palumbo Who who's one of Artie's friends. Yeah, and he was very good in that role. Dude, he plays my Italian doctor. I really have this Italian doctor that I hired because he was Italian. I don't know if you saw that first episode.

I did see that. And your wife, who's the wife, by the way? That's Rebecca. Rebecca Cush. That's her name? Cush, yeah. How sexy is that? Yeah. It's like Tush and Cush. And Rebecca Cush. That's her name? Cush, yeah. How sexy is that? It's like Tush and Cush.

And the C word. Yeah. Combined. Yes. She's smoking. Where'd you find her? She auditioned. We put the, you know, you put it up on Actors Access, you know.

I don't know. That's what you put it on. It's like a little website where actors go. I don't know. And it got harder with the. Yeah, she was great. Yeah. i thought she did a good job people that watch it go yeah i don't know i don't even really notice that that's like not your wife like it feels like she's your wife the scene i didn't it was a distance it didn't feel that no i'm kidding i'm like joe's got a good taste let's

let i'm gonna play a clip from the one that i chose because you brought up anger on stage and stuff oh i do i snap on this well this is the one no you just tell them the story about before you uh the mic went out you were just out and taking meds yes and it's a true story i love this clip let's let's listen so i'm going into the first week of being on the medication, and I'm feeling kind of off, detached, a little bit strange in my head. You're kind of analyzing yourself. You're trying to see what's happening to you now that you're on these meds.

Are you different? Are you the same? You're just really over analyzing That's the best way to describe it. Good voice So I had shows on the weekend and during one of the shows the microphone just cuts out completely and I don't even get mad I just set the mic down and I start performing Oh my god, it's so funny, you don't remember? I mean, I just don't. Is the mic just going off?

So, I'll just continue. So she'll be like, you know, it's so funny, you'll never remember. I'm thinking, wow, this medication's incredible. I'm so relaxed, I'm not mad. Same woman, like, four years later is like, hey, asshole. I can't hear you. I know, dude, I have no mic, I get it, alright? You can't hear me.

I can't hear you. Dude, I lost my mind. I'm trying to do my set with no mic i get it all right you can't hear me i can't hear you dude i lost my mind i'm trying to do my set with no mic and you're gonna fucking yell at me you know how hard it is to get these fucking drunk people to listen you've obviously never done stand-up you fucking shit it was so bad i got off stage like a maniac i've never went and looked for the guy who's heckling me i mean i guess the meds hadn't kicked in i forgot about that i fucking love it i love it because it's happened to me and i'm not even on maybe i should i guess that's the point of the scene but the mic cuts out and the audience always acts like it's your fault yeah why is it they point the finger because they're looking for you to fail that's life joe they come to pretend they like you you know the fans of yours they want you to fucking

fall off the high wire that's why i've had the mic cut out and i'll and and they start laughing pointing i used to say in new york i think audiences would rather see you not do well than do well of course they want to see you fail i used to say that yeah and maybe quit if you quit on your way off and never do comedy again, they're like, wow, that was entertaining. That's why I picked that because I've had that happen and the mic goes out and somebody will go, and I'll look right at them and go, hey, motherfucker,

I didn't do it. Instead of just handling it. At that point, I could use some of your medication. That happened at Magoobies. That was based on what happened in the Magoobies. You know that? It's huge in a room. Some big dude in the back started going, I't hear you i thought he was kidding i'm like this

obvious oh it's funny like i actually kind of giggled for a second oh it's funny and he was like no i'm serious i can't hear you and i just lost it good and you were on meds or you weren't at this was this was like three days in so they didn't they weren't doing anything yet they had nothing going on except weird i think in this episode i have a weird fucking crazy dream because when you start taking the meds you start having these psycho dreams yeah and then after about six weeks then it starts to kind of work but nothing week one nothing's right and that's a weird feeling when the mic cuts out you feel so i'll give you one of my most embarrassing moments of my life i'm hosting the nasty show montreal uh i'm hosting yeah right it's me for the whole week my name's on the marquee

bobby slayton had done it for like 15 years it's my first time hosting the thing and i had done the show many times as a as a guest on the on slate show so i come out it said club soda there's like 700 people seven what 750 and i come out to zeppelin communication breakdown place is going crazy i get a bit of a following up there right right i come out place i'm acting all cocky come up to the microphone i pull the mics the cord falls out there's just dead silence just picture this folks 750 people is dead silence there was a live band just playing zeppelin now it's really quiet i'm trying to put the plug the thing back in i can't see my eyes are just starting to go because i'm farsighted

i'm trying to plug up 750 people waiting for you all that all that nectar paula was all that energy right in the toilet and you're gonna start right from ground it was fucking so embarrassing and i here's me here's me here's where i need meds maybe i think i was set up i think somebody who didn't like me set that thing up so it was dangling by a conter did you say that on stage oh yes you mentioned that you thought someone set it up i said i was like who the fuck was in charge of this but backstage i was like all right somebody sent me and they were all laughing which makes me believe i might have been right you know some people don't uh you know i grade on people but maybe not maybe it just fell out i mean it has happened before so but. But that's where my OCD kicks in.

The meds fucking chilled that out, man. I don't know how you do that shit because I can't. I have to stay away from ephedrine. And I found this out the highway by snapping. I take Ambien. I can't go out in public for the next two days after I take Ambien. It makes me, it's like doing, you know, meth. Oh, it makes you more angry. It makes me it's like doing you know meth oh it makes you more angry makes me

irrational angry okay which is saying something for me i mean that's how i was how do you handle it well that's how i was when i tried uh riddling for add i feel like we're doing this could be an episode i didn't even think about it this would be a funny episode i drew it out of you i'm very good at that but i went on i tried riddling years ago and for like six hours you're i'm like running i'm in a good mood you feel a little peppier like and your focus is good like coke i never did coke so that's exactly you just described coke perfectly but when you come down from it look out oh my god yeah so at about six o'clock seven six thirty you know dinner time i'm with my wife and I'm just mad at nothing. I'm like starting arguments. And this is how

psycho my relationship was back then. My wife said, I'll still take this over you not on the ADD medication. She goes, I don't care that you're yelling at me because you were so focused and easy to have good conversation with those six hours when you were on the pills.

So she didn't care that I was yelling out. She'd put up with the bad behavior. That's what she said. The byproduct. Yeah. Because I was just terrible. Like we'd be in a car and like I wouldn't. She's so, you know, psychologist that she can tell if you're doing the oh yeah, ha ha.

You know, pretending you're listening. How do you listen? It's like living with a cop. Yeah. It's like being pulled a cop yeah it's like being pulled in for the one of the first 48 hours that show i used to call her an emotion goalie like if you tried to sneak one by like the top right corner she'd make a fucking save like a goalie you're like okay miss lungquist the fuck off my body She's not, you know what? She's cool.

Your wife's cool. My wife's cool. And now that I'm, I like being on the meds and like being kind of, you know, a little bit more relaxed. Yeah. Our relationship's pretty easy to make work now, you know? If I didn't have kids though, I probably, I don't know if I'd be on the meds. I think a lot of it is because I'm a dad and I'm like i can't i can't snap in front of them yeah yeah my old man felt that way too yeah my

dad didn't either he my dad was like me mild-mannered happy guy and then just fucking freak out i remember him only time i remember unjustly being we had dinner and i got up i know when i used to get in trouble i was gonna slap around or whatever but i remember one time having dinner and not haven't done anything wrong and uh i'm done dinner and i start to get up and he goes come here i said uh and then starts getting into me about my attitude whatever the fuck and i'm getting like slapped around like 50 times in the face in the face but i'm but i don't remember what i did wrong that that's the only one that sticks out the rest of them i had coming i was a prick like any other kid right way too cocky and and you know he wanted to take it down a notch but that's the

only unjustified one that i remember well i can say that about my dad there was no unjust ones if i think back when he snapped and got mad yeah i pushed him to a crazy level like my brother will my brother's classic because my dad slapped my brother and broke his eardrum once and i mentioned that when i was talking shit about my dad to my brother and he goes i had it coming my brother agreed right because he's more my brother's more like you you know he's like you know i should have got smacked hard i was i was i cursed at the dinner table or something like that i told my dad i didn't want to uh you know he tried to ground me and i just said fuck you and i walked out the front door

of my house yeah this is if you know do you know brian dawkins is? No. He was a defensive player for the Eagles. Eagles, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. And then he went to the Raiders the last maybe year or two of his career. He just retired. Great, amazing player. Yeah, Brian Dawkins.

Oh, yeah. All pro. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, he had a way of tackling. I think they called it something in Philly when he would just fucking dive with his arms in the air and just grab people. Yeah.

My brother would laugh at me that I don't remember the name of that tackle. You sounded like my wife describing that play. And he fell forward with his hands in the air. I don't know what they called it. Two-hand touch? Well, my dad did that to me when I ran out the front door and all his weight went on me

and I broke my ankle on the front step. Oh! Today you could, you know. Yeah, oh my God, I'd own the house, Oh! Today you could, you know. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'd own the house, right? My dad didn't even apologize. Just was like, it's not broken. That's what he said.

It's not broken. Walk it off, pussy. Yeah. And it was curved. My ankle was curved. I love it. And my mom didn't even take my side. That's how funny back then is.

She goes, what did you do to your father? My dad hates it. This comes out in podcasts a lot, that story. My dad's like, can you just let it go? It was a long time ago. He always says that. He apologized years later. Only when I started going to therapy and I brought that conversation up in therapy and the therapist was like, did your dad ever apologize?

I'm like, no. He goes, would you like him to i was like i think i would yeah i think i think i need an apology there and he's like and he like talked me he was with you no he talked me into he explained to me that's what i loved about my therapist he'd be like you can get him to apologize without getting pissed off and i was like how do i do that and he was like bring your emotion out tell him how it makes you feel and i went right oh god that sounds so gay i'm a male doctor well a lot of it was because i was cursing people out on stage and getting fired from gigs and i couldn't figure out why and then somehow that conversation came up and he goes you know maybe you got some anger about some of the shit that happened in your past.

Why are they always blaming on the past though? I never understood that. Maybe it's what's ahead of me. I don't fucking like. Seriously. They always want to blame it on your parents. That's the fucking easy way out. Maybe I'm fucking pissed at what the shitty future I've created for myself.

That's where the anger is coming from. You ever think of that? You quack motherfucker. That's funny. But it's actually a pretty good theory, isn't it? What if it's the future? What if it's the future that my father didn't help me shape? It wasn't his fault.

My old man was sleeping once. I came home miserable. He's in a bed. And you've got guys going to the same office for 40 years. You can't blame him, right? Right. He's sleeping on the couch with the newspaper on his face. Me and my brother start throwing the cushions around

in the living room. I throw a pillow at my brother's head. He ducks. It hits my father, you know, who's sleeping on the couch, in the face. In one motion, he reached up and grabbed me and picked me up like a rag doll and threw me in my closet, my bedroom.

All my clothes fell down on top. And I think he smacked my brother in the face a couple times but i mean how can you blame him for that you know and today they'd go oh whatever but let's play another i want to play another clip that i think this is the one you sent me this one spoke to you too you sent me the good fellas oh let me set it up okay because i don't think you understand it i know i didn't set up the other one no the other one you understand excuse me but this episode is about you'll you'll laugh at the premise probably it's basically and this semi really happened my wife went out of town for the first time and i had both kids to myself and dads are listening to your podcast they can

relate you got your first time with two kids that scared first time with two kids yeah i was like oh shit and then she had a dry erase board that everything i needed to do and she goes you have no gigs just you know don't add like you do sometimes focus and you don't have to you know side tracking or whatever sounds like me talking to my agent yeah and basically just you know spend the weekend with the kids. And she says no gigs and walks out the door. And then the phone rings like a half hour later and it's Artie. And he's got a gig that pays pretty decent for that night. And now I try to cram everything in that's on the fucking list and still make it to the gig.

And try to get a babysitter to watch my kids. I was going leave the kids no you got a babysitter that would have chosen ball yeah and then you'd be my favorite person of all time if you left the kids by themselves to make a few bucks something wesley snipes might do well i try to do it i try to do it without my mother-in-law finding out that i'm gonna do this because i don't want to call her in the babysit because we do that a lot so i didn't want I don't want her to catch me. And then I explain we all you and I know the scene in Goodfellas where he's trying to do nine fucking thousand things and he thinks helicopters are chasing him. Henry at the end.

Yeah. So this is a parody of that scene. So if you never saw that scene in Goodfellas, you might not get it. First of all, if you never saw that scene in Goodfellas, don't listen to my podcast. You're a fucking idiot. Go home and put on Hangover 3, you dildo. You set it up beautifully. Okay.

This is from Fixin' Joe. Then I remembered the to-do list. How the fuck was I going to get all that done before the gig? It was crunch time. Goodfellas style. I had to bring Jake to Taekwondo at 3.45, and I had to make sure that I brought his Taekwondo uniform this time. I had to bring the stroller for Sophie because I'm too old for the double carry.

Then I had to pick up Sophie's medicine from the pharmacy, and not the close one, but the one on the other side of the highway. Then pick up Sophie from daycare at 445. Then pick up diapers, not the regular ones, but the natural, so she'll get a rash. It's a small town, so I had to be on the lookout for my mother-in-law. If she saw me rushing around, she might ask questions. Then I had to buy the sauce and the meat for the spaghetti and meatballs. My wife only feeds them organic, so I had to go the sauce and the meat for the spaghetti and meatballs. My wife only feeds them organic, so I had to go two towns over to the healthy supermarket. That third seatbelt

click of the car seat, that's the greatest sound in my day. Then I had to pick up Steph's dry cleaning and go to the mall to get Jake some new sneakers, but they had to be the light-up kind. Not a babysitter, but I had to pick her up because she only has a learner's permit. I had them all working in the kitchen like an assembly line, but I had to make the meatballs myself. My kids are so picky that if they're not perfectly round, they won't eat them. If they don't eat, they don't sleep.

And if they don't sleep, Daddy's miserable. I got out of the house without a minute to spare. Hey, Joe. Where are you headed? For a second, I thought it was my wife, and she came back a day early. But then I recognized that happy voice, and I knew it was my mother-in-law. If it was my wife, I would have been dead. That's fucking perfect.

Well done. That's from fixing joe folks it's got a little scorsese look to all the shots you can't see but a lot of the car fucking squealing around andres caru this guy i know who's amazing but where'd you meet him i've known andres for like over 20 years can i send him My sizzle reel 20 years Yeah We met Through an Ex-girlfriend He was friends

With this girl I dated for 8 years I think you met her This girl Jen Italian girl That I dated for like I was If you knew me back then

She was always like At my gigs and shit I think I remember She had one leg short And the other Humping her back Yeah Big forehead

That was her. No? Joe always had good looking girl. Joe's a good looking guy. Let me ask you this before we move on but one last question.

Do you look at guys like me and guys that don't have kids as like, he's not a man? No, I've heard Louis say that though. Louis CK says that.

In some of his bits, right? Something he has a bit about you know. Kill yourself. You're not really, you got know kill yourself you're not really you got it easy you're not really he doesn't like girls he likes women like if you don't have a kid he doesn't look at you he wants a woman that doesn't turn him on it's just like a girl there's no attraction well and he also says if you're dating and you're whining your life doesn't matter

go kill yourself wouldn't even affect anybody if you don't have kids in other words that was the gist of it. Yeah. Which I kind of, look, I didn't choose not to have kids. It just turned out this way. And I'm not going to go into why because it's too personal. No, I know. It was a bad hop in a softball game. I got it in the nuts.

But no. I can tell by just knowing you that you're a guy that would want to have kids. You're not that guy that's like, I don't want kids tell that joe i gotta be honest with you i didn't not not want him but i didn't want him either right it was like agnostic you'd say but that's how i felt too i think i don't think guys bill hitch used to do a bit about no guy wants to have kids and i and i i didn't really when i first heard that bit i was like i don't know if that makes sense or not. But as I got older, I can see why he would say that. He goes, if you want kids, you should be home watching fucking, you know, it goes into this whole emasculation thing, watching Donahue, reading Donahue transcripts

and Ellen Alda books and no guy wants fucking kids, which kind of seems, I don't know. I do have an Ellen Alda book. But you don't, I wouldn't, of course you do. But I wouldn't blame guys. I think my dad and my brother probably look at me like, he's not really grown up. There's got to be a part of, you know. But then there's another part where I feel like going,

yeah, well, you guys fucking, biologically, you didn't want kids. You just fucking bought into this whole thing. You didn't have the balls to stay single and have fun. Or I'm not single. I'm married. But you know what mean whatever but people i i know people with kids that are envious of people who don't have kids well i always say you can understand someone not having kids when you have kids like it makes total sense to me to not when you have said that to me one of my

sisters said and she's happy she's a family-oriented girl, but she said, if I had to do it over again, I don't, you know? And it almost knocked me on my ass, but I can also understand people looking at me not having kids and saying, he's not an adult. Seinfeld had an episode about that.

Remember him and George? You're like, we're not men. Remember they were just, but I mean, at least I'm married with a mortgage and shit, but it's not like I'm living, you know.

You do have like an almost moat outside. Yes, I have a castle. You have a half a moat. That's all I got, though a mortgage and shit. Yeah. It's not like I'm living, you know. You do have like an almost moat outside. Yes, I have a castle. You have a half a moat. That's all I got, though. That makes sense. I don't think, my wife and I always say that. We're like, well, they don't have kids, so they can have those greater things sometimes.

That's exactly right. You went to dinner the other night. That doesn't happen hardly ever with my wife and I. I know. Stuff like that. Yeah. But I got a horse now. The cost is about the same as having a kid.

Yeah, we wouldn't have a horse either. The fucking thing's feet are bothering. I told you. I was going to go into Ralph Cifaretto mode. It was always something

with the colic and the... You'd have a second. That fire was a lightning bolt from God. Let me... We got a new sponsor here, Joe. DraftKings.com. Fantasy Baseball's back and our listeners are winning huge moneye uh draftkings.com fantasy baseball's back and our listeners are

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I like that one, too. I would do that. I know. I can't do fantasy because it's just, like you said, it's a whole year season commitment. I can't do it. How do you have time? I don't understand how guys do that. I don't do it.

I've never done fantasy football or baseball. You can't. It's too time consuming. I have enough problems getting all the games in and watching the highlights. I can't imagine worrying a fucking, you know, I was going to say Andre Rison. I retired 12 years ago. You'd laugh, but there's a scene that hasn't come out yet on the web series where my wife has this really rich friend and his wife is a stay-at-home mom.

He makes so much that she doesn't need to work anymore. She literally had a law degree that she doesn't use anymore. That's how well this guy does. And the way he talks to her is so much different than the way my wife and I interact, because my wife makes more than me. And it really happened. He was like, let's go to Philly.

We'll watch games for like six hours you and me we'll eat fucking cheese steaks roast pork sandwiches honey we're gonna go we'll be gone for six hours watch the kids have dinner ready in about seven hours see you and he's like leaving to go out the front door yeah and in the scene and this really happened i'm like uh i literally have to go to my wife. Am I allowed to go? Because I would love to go. But, oh, my God, yeah, like, you can go fucking, you can watch all, I miss my own team play on a Sunday.

I got good feelings about this Fix and Joe thing. Seriously. And it's so funny because you asked me to do this, I mean, five years ago. You're doing it on stage, remember? You were having comics come up and you're going to analyze them or something? Yeah, I've had all kind of versions of Fixing Joe. Wasn't that part of this though? I know, but of course I go, no, I'm not done.

Remember? Well, you were on my podcast. That's basically where this show came from. All right. When it blows up, I want a part is what I'm trying to tell you. Hey, you're a sports fan, right?

Obviously, you're a Philly guy. Joe's a Philly guy. Let me ask you about Michael Vick to the Jets. I don't know about that. Jesus. Oh my God. Holy shit,

Mr. Mom. Put away your fucking skirt, will you? When did they trade him to the Jets? Oh, in the early 70s. You didn't hear about this? This happened last week.

It's a week old? Sanchez is gone. Okay. And V a week old? Sanchez is gone. And Vic, now... Sanchez was terrible. He was terrible. He went to two AFC championships, right? Yeah, but the last few years, he's not looking good. I know. He's playing like Maria Sanchez. Michael Vick's going to be their backup quarterback.

Well, it's they're going to fight over the slot. The other guy's great. Great. Oh, my God. You Jets fans. I'm not a Jets fan. How can you say he's great? He stinks. Compared to the Sanchez the last fall. He's all right, Gino, but come on.

He's Billy. You know what I mean? So it's going to, if I make a prediction, Vic is going to win the starting. You think Vic's going to be their starter? I do. Because Gino's got skill, but not. That that's a mistake i don't think so hey now here's the deal fans are upset a lot of you know so-called pant pantyways you know the animal people who love animals are upset some of the jets fans saying they're not going to buy tickets because

of the dog that's still going i mean he was on the how long was he on the i'm with you brother look that was you know look it was disgusting and it made me sick. And I was like, yeah, that's, you know, and I thought it was a horrible thing and maybe he should be, but you know what? He did his time. He went to jail for it. He did prison time. Yeah.

So I'm the least forgiven person on the face of the earth, but I'm like, the guy did his time and he's handling himself well, right? I would be more upset just that I don't think he's a good starting quarterback. Well, of course, because you're a sports fan. Yeah. But I used to do a bit about Vic. I think I heard it. I'm going to play.

Yeah, I did it on Nessun Comedy All-Stars, I think, and it got a bunch of views. But the bit is about I was laughing at how there's a double standard because it's about culture. You know, it's like pitbulling. Pitbull fighting is kind of a black thing. But I was laughing how it was being covered and how the white sports announcers were tiptoeing around this shit. So this is the... But it's such bullshit.

White people have to act so politically correct. The day after the Michael Vick story broke, I'm watching two sportscasters on ESPN. One goes to the other, two white guys. I don't think this story's about race, Jim. No, you're right. There's a lot of white people making $60 million a year having dogfights behind the garage on the weekends.

Yeah, right now Bill Gates and a bunch of guys from Microsoft have 50 Yorkshire Terriers in sweaters. Go get them, Bianca! Get them, Fluffy! Go get them! Dog sounds like a duck. Bill, this one's hurt real bad. What do I do with it? I don't know. Drown it in the cappuccino machine.

I don't give a shit. I got blood on my dockers The weekend's ruined And of course all the usual suspects Come out and defend Michael Vick Fucking Whoopi Goldberg, Jamie Foxx Stefan Marbury from the New York Knicks And I quote, this is what he said

Yo man, pit bull fighting ain't no different than deer hunting Come again, stupid? That's right, sir. It's the same thing. Hunting deer, pit bull fighting, same thing, right? Because when you're a hunter, what do you do? You give two deer rifles, have them march off ten paces. There's a lot of similarities. I see black people blowing by me in their Hummers with dead pit bulls tied to their roof in November. Yeah, sure. March off ten paces. There's a lot of similarities.

I see black people blowing by me in their hummers with dead pit bulls tidying their roof in November. Yeah, sure. Look at any black people's freezers. They have it packed with pit bull meat for the winter. I guarantee it. Yeah. So he's a jet. That's crazy, though.

I think it's good. He's not going to be the starting quarterback. He makes too many stupid mistakes. As opposed to Geno? Come on, were they 6-10 this year? Pee fucking you. He's a nice guy to have as the backup, though. Knowing you have somebody good, like they can do a pretty decent job.

I think he's going to. He's taken a beating over the years, though. That's what I'm saying. He took some shots. No doubt. You're right. When he's your starter, he'll try to run for fucking 35. He won't slide.

He always slides the wrong way. I kind of like him. He's a tough fucking guy, isn't he? He's tough, but he always gets hurt. I wouldn't fucking always get hurt. I mean, he's been running all right. He's been in the league a while. I don't know.

Who else? I'm an Eagle fan, and I just love him. Oh, you poor bastard. When he wasn't playing. When's the last time you guys won something? It's been a while. Wait, have the Eagles won a Super Bowl? No.

Never. Ever? Never. Can you imagine a great sports town like that? That's embarrassing. They won a championship before the Super Bowl. Yeah, Chuck Bednarik, I think, intercepted a pass and ran over Frank Gifford in the early 40s. What does Bill Burr say the last time they won?

They were wearing leather helmets or something. Dude, dude, what the fuck? Last time they won, they were fucking wearing leather helmets. Come on, dude. March Madness? You ain't got time for that, right? No. I did a gig in Northern Connecticut the other night,

and they were ready to leave my gig because UConn was playing Villanova. And then the people in the front row go we'd rather sit here because we have parents we're parents we'd rather miss the game and get drunk watching comedy and i was like you don't think you have a chance they're like no we don't have a chance and they ended up winning right they beat villanova right they did let me that's all i know about college basketball yeah it's got a lot of flaws man i'll tell you and people are to laugh at me because I feel about hoops the way people feel about

hockey. A lot of people don't like hockey. You know what I mean? And college hoops, the biggest flaw in pro basketball, at the end of the game, it could be a close game, you know, the last two minutes, it turns into one team has to follow the other team. There's like 19

timeouts. There's no continuity left and it's a real problem for me first of all i can't watch and i like hopes people go you don't appreciate the athletic ability i i'm like a lot of fair weather basketball i'll put it on with five minutes left if i want to see otherwise i'm watching two teams trade baskets for two hours do you see what i'm saying? Does a basket two minutes into a basketball game have less weight than somebody who scores

a goal in hockey the first two minutes in? The answer is yes. There's a lot more, you know what I'm saying? There's a lot more writing on it. Yes, definitely. So I put it on five minutes left

to watch what happens. And then that turns into a foul fest. If one team's down by eight and there's 30 seconds left, they have to foul the other team. And all it is is free throw shooting. It's 30 seconds left they have to follow the other and all it is is free throw shooting it's like you might as well go to the fucking uh atlantic city

boardwalk and watch somebody try to win a stuffed animal for their wife i was going to connect to one of your gigs this will show you that i'm listening to your podcast you talked about driving to uh river was it riverhead yeah no no no no it was for your parking it was for your speeding ticket you talked about. It took you 30 minutes to get there, and then you were five miles away, and it took you like an hour and a half. Yeah. That's kind of what it's like.

Real quickly, March Madness. No, it's all right. I was going to give an update, but these sports fans that are listening, I don't know. But over the weekend, Arizona over Gonzaga, they smoked them by 23, 84, 61. North Dakota State, they were sort of the Cinderella. They had a big win. It's great doing scores on a podcast.

Why? Because someone could be listening to this in like eight weeks. I never really thought of that, but most of my people jump right on it, Joe. You think they're listening live? How quickly do you get this out? I treat it like a live show. This is practice. So when's this going up?

Huh? When's yours go up? This treat it like a live show. Oh, okay. This is practice. So when's this going up? Huh? When's yours go up? This will go up about a week and a half. We're way behind. No, you're right. I don't have to give this up. But the final eight, you got Florida, UCLA, Dayton. You know, people might listen to this and not know.

Dayton, Stanford, Arizona, San Diego State, Baylor, and Wisconsin. That's all I wanted to say. Who's the number one seed in the whole thing? What am I? Who am I? Will Chamberlain? I don't give a rat's tits. Do you follow?

Is there one college basketball team you like? Are you saying who was the number one seed when it started? I don't even know that. But I know Wichita State was 35-0, hadn't lost a game all year. And Kansas. Are they still in it? I mean, Kentucky knocked them out. Oh, they knocked them out.

Yeah. Now, is there a team that you root for? Because I didn't even go to college, so I really have trouble all year in Kansas. Are they still in it? I mean, Kentucky knocked them out. Oh, they knocked them out. Yeah. Now, is there a team that you root for? Because I didn't even go to college, so I really have trouble with college hoops. No, I don't like college hoops. College sports I love. You love college football, but I don't even like that because I went to Camden County Community College for six months. Well, they had a good team. Didn't you play Nebraska?

They were very good. On Thanksgiving? Yeah. They should. Oh, God. How about my Boston Bruins? You're should... Oh, God. How about my Boston Bruins? You're a hockey fan, John. Uh, no, I'm not. Alright, I'll make you one.

But I hear that the Bruins and the... They've won 12 in a row. I knew that. In hockey, you know how hard that is to do? That's insane. They haven't done it... They haven't done that since 1971, when they won 13 in a row. So what's the record of most for the oh i don't know i don't know i didn't look at it oh my marvell but you just bust my balls about giving out basketball scores now you're asking for shit that fucking marvell

but wouldn't know those sports announcer guys know that they do i know for unlonguished oh the answer to that was the calgary flames in in 1988. They won 19 in a row. Probably Edmonton, maybe. I don't know. They've got to be close to the record at 12 in a row. But the point is, they haven't done that. They won 13 in a row in 1971. That was the heyday of Bobby Orr, Phil Esposito, and the Big Bad Bruins.

Jesus. So they are. And I've happened, thanks to DVRing, I've seen every one. I come home from gigs. I'll come down here and put the Bruins on. I've seen every, out of those 12 wins, I've seen them all. What do you have? That is sad, isn't it? You have like a hockey package?

I got a nice package over here. Do you really? No, I don't know what the package is. You get all the games? I do. I do have, I must have the hockey package. Nice. I don't even know.

Well, I hear the Flyers and the Bruins are like the big rivalry, right? Nah, that was in the 70s. Not anymore? I thought Liz was in the 70s. Not anymore? I thought Liz said that on your podcast. A few years ago, we were up three games to none in the playoffs over the Flyers, and they came back. And we came back. And then we eliminated you last year in fourth straight.

Oh, I remember that, too. Made me hard as a... You know what I've been trying to get a picture of? I have a room like this. Kate Upton's A's? That I have where I do my podcast, like a room like this like kate upton's age that i have where i do my podcast like a little man room yeah and a little man room it's like a man what am i a 12 year old black kid got athletic stuff on the walls like i wanted to get a picture and i saw it once

and i wish i bought it was the winter classic with the bruins against the flyers at citizens bank baseball park you want a picture of that The Y. You know those like panoramic I saw it once. I can't find it anymore. I can make that happen. I know Dave the Hammer Schultz. You know a guy? I know Schultz too a little bit. He does stand up. I know. That's how I know him.

Can you imagine? My favorite. Did you do a gig with him? I did. Bob Levy set it up. Did he really? Oh absolutely. Next week I'm doing one with... You must have loved hanging out with him. Jean Beliveau for the Canadians. He's 87. Who was the guy who played on the fucking Montreal Canadiens?

Jesus, my dad used to say he loved his name. Rayjean Ou or something weird. Oh, Rayjean Ou. Is that his name? Yeah. Wow, you're going back. That's going back, right? Rayjean Ou. Holy shit. You're talking late 60s. Oh, 60s-O. Is that his name? Yeah. Wow, you're going back. That's going back. Ray Jean-O.

Holy shit. You're talking late 60s. Oh, 60s? Yeah, early 70s. Absolutely. I liked hockey in the 70s when I was a kid. My mom took me to the Flyers Victory Parade in 76. That's a good mom.

She was dating a hound dog Kelly, wasn't she, at the time? He was there. Dude, hockey players were like, they weren't even big stars back then we were like inches from all of them they had the convertibles yeah we have home eight millimeter videos and we used to put it on every year when we were kids and re-watch the those home movies on the eight millimeters sure and we have a streaker all of a sudden you see like bobby clark with his no teeth who was the center for the Flyers in the 70s. He was great.

I bet you I know more of those Flyers than you. You probably do. Me and my brother would drive in to take the training, I should say, when we were like 15, 16, every time the Flyers came to town, when it was the Broad Street Bullies, because the Bruins had a bunch of goons that year, too. It'll be a bloodbath. Oh, I didn't realize that.

They were a big rivalry then, too. Oh, the Bruins had as many goons as the broad street bullies they had a guy named john wensink who bit a guy's ear off in junior hockey lived in my hometown i used to see him jogging he had like a jufro yeah and a goatee he looked like the goon in slap shot he i swear to god they designed they had a guy named uh stan jonathan who's Cherokee Indian. 5'8", 200 pounds. He's the guy that never lost a fight. He used to pick you up by the front of your pants. He invented that technique.

By the front, like the shorts? Yeah. Just lift you off the ground. He was scary strong. And Al Secord, he could do 200 push-ups on the ice. And he scored 50 goals. And the O'Reilly and Schultz used to go. Did they win this the cup in the 70s they beat the bruins in 75 they beat the bruins the bruins yeah broke my heart yeah well how about the next year when the

flyers won again they won again i think yeah who they beat the following year i don't know i'm guessing i want to say canadian i want to say canadian we're probably boring the shit out of these people they're listening live. You see how I do this? Like it's a live show. Well, the streaker, I still remember. Fucking guy had number one written on his ass, and he comes running. I'm with my mom, six years old.

Why would you have number one? Shouldn't you have number two written on your ass? Hello, folks. Give me a sound clip on that. What did you go for? I was looking for the narrow. I couldn't find it. Come on.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'll tell you what that deserved. Another joke like that. The, yeah. So the flies in a broom. Yeah. So they're going for 13.

When's the next game? That's a good question. I'm hoping tonight. It might be tonight. I might have to buy a hockey package. They pin teams in their own zone for five minutes at a time. The Bruins. I've never seen anything... Offenses just... Both. They lead the East in goals scored

and they have the best goals against. That's a combination for... They're going to have the best record in all of hockey. Who their goalie he's probably amazing tuka rask nice who the fuck's that this is how he spells his first name t-u-u-k-k-a how cool is that tuka rask finnish or swedish unbelievable he's uh he's unbelievable and their backup goalie is like 14-4. Chad Johnson, his name is. Anyways, I know, kids, you don't want to hear any of this shit, but you watch March Madness and enjoy yourselves in that boring cucka.

Your fans probably like it, man. They do. Especially your Boston fans. They love hockey. They do. Right now, my mother is twisting her nipples over this information. Let's play a – Joey, any gigs coming up? Joe's a fine stand-up comic you just did what like maybe fourth fifth letterman second second it was only my second seven years in between that's

what he did with me though yeah but then they and then they just asked me recently like six months ago to put something together and i go i i i want to wait till this. I have this DVD coming out. I want something to plug on it. So I said no. I could have done one. We all want to do the Tonight Show now. That's the move. Oh, I didn't.

Well, if you do that, you know. Is that going to piss off the letter? Well, there was a story that Kim, I mean, that Fallon is telling, you know, the words out that if you do any of the other shows, you're not doing. What? That's what my wife read online. Oh, I got do any of the other shows, you're not doing. What? That's my wife right online. Oh, I got to look that up. Again, my wife's 11. Semi-retired.

I'll have to send Tony Soprano over there. What would you say if you sent Tony Soprano over to talk to Jimmy Fallon? Well, before I do it, my brother, my son said something funny. It's funny when they just start. He's just starting to be funny. Sometimes it's accidental. It's got to be weird. My brother sent me a, someone sent me a clip of, I guess Billy Joel was on Fallon.

Yes, he was. I saw that. Yeah. And Fallon was singing with him. He's singing with him, right? And Billy was laughing. Yeah. So my son is, we're watching the clips.

I put my son to bed and sometimes I'll show him something funny from YouTube or something. And he goes, Dad, why is that guy? Because he's wearing a suit. He goes, the guy looks like he's, he looks like a weatherman. He looks like a guy from the news. Why is he singing? Because he's in a suit like rolling around on the piano. That's a pretty good observation.

Pretty funny. I was like, that's a good one. That's not bad for the kid. Yeah. But all right, let's play a clip from, I got a clip from Joey on Letterman. I don't know which one it was, your first or second one. I hope it's not the first one. I hate my first Letterman.

I think my first Letterman was the best thing I ever did on TV. Oh, that's terrible. Unfortunately, and that was 28 years ago. Kenny Rogerson said, yeah, I did Let Him In so long ago. It was in black and white. You don't want to do those shows. You're one of those guys. Every year you should be doing one or two of those shows.

But I don't like to water myself down. Just for the fun of it. Even the darkness. They can't even go near anything dark. It's really, you know. But I think this was, when's the last one you did? It was about eight months ago. See a year there.

What am I wearing? That's all I need to know. You had, you know what, you had a three-piece suit on with a watch on a chain and a top hat. All right. I'm excited. I'm 45 years old, everybody. Thank you. Not old, but definitely the beginning of old. You know you're getting old when you go to an empty bar and you go, I love this place. That's me. I do some old guy things now, like I play in an over

40 men's softball league. This is true. Nine out of 12 guys on my team have injuries, but none of the injuries are from the game. It would be so pathetic if they tried to broadcast it on television. They'd be like, hey Steve, I don't know if you heard, Joe Mattarisa, left center fielder, is going to be out for about a month and a half. He tore his rotator cuff, putting a pottery

barn desk up into his third story attic. Pete Shrumsey, the first baseman, is going to be out for a while, too. He blew out his ACL stepping over a baby gate at 2 in the morning. Man, I mean, I don't know if this group's going to make it through that long

eight-game season. I actually have two kids, too. That kind of aged me. I have a five-year of aged me I have a five year old I have a one year old one kid way easier one kid all you have to do is drink a couple of beers at dinner

and you're like where is he going he just broke that thing i loved love that like that thing i loved uh already gave me a funny line for the next part that i couldn't do it on letterman which kind of screwed up my set because the next joke that i always do in the clubs is saying about you know two kids you need antidepressants and i go this is how great my antidepressants are right now i feel like this could be my right now like when meaning right now like on stage right

now this i feel like this could be my big career break which is great in like a fucking terrible gig but i'm on letterman so i'm like how the fuck do i say that right so i'm like trying all these different versions of that joke out and i'm in the green room with arty i'm opening for him at caroline's or something and i go what should i say and he say uh this medication's so great um right now i'm doing letterman but it just kind of feels like i'm doing leno right that's what he told me to say. Oh, yeah, a real Karamo. And it got applause break in the clubs when I tried it. I tried it like a couple times. Great line, no doubt.

Yeah. But because Artie goes, fuck him, just do it. I go, they told me I can't do it. They said only Letterman's allowed to take shots at Leno. And I go, well. Who said that? The booker of Letterman at the time. He's not the booker there.

He's over at Fallon now on The Tonight Show. It's one of those rare times in my career. Not Bill Shep. No. His name's Ryan, and I'm forgetting his last name. I hope he's not listening. He made the jump from Letterman to... Wow, that was loyal.

Right now, I literally have a connection with every one of the late night shows in New York, and that never happens. The guy who books that late night show... Yo, so you'll be doing them all. Seth Meyers. Yeah. The guy who used to book Ferguson books that now.

This guy... Fucking Ferguson. Who told him he was funny? Jesus Christ, I don't get it. No offense. Yeah. I'm sure he's He's obviously Had a much better career

Than me But he's an actor Yeah definitely Please Yeah I know you Talking to a skeleton Get the fuck out of here I remember you were

Going off on him On my podcast And I cut it out Still feel that way I edited it out You edited it Because I was opening For him then

And I was like Oh shit You think he's listening To your podcast And now I'm not Opening for him anymore So I can shit on him A. And I was like, oh, shit. You think he's listening to your podcast? And now I'm not opening for him anymore, so I can shit on him a little bit. I agree with you on that. Seth Meyers is great, man.

He's a likable kid. Is he good on it? He's so fucking, yes. He's so in his own element. He's likable. And same with Fallon. And I'm not just saying this. I'm very choosy.

Fallon's amazing. All these guys. Jimmy Kimmel is a guy's guy. I love Jimmy Kimmel. Conan's always been great to me. He got kind of pushed out there with the TBS thing. But that show is consistently funny. But Fallon can do anything, man.

Fallon's amazing. He loves music. He wants to be a musician, doesn't he? I can't remember. I'm like an old person now. I can't remember the last time I did this. But I DVR the Tonight Shows and watch them when I got the time. Oh, I don't remember. I'm like an old person now. I can't remember the last time I did this, but I DVR the Tonight Shows and watch them when I got the time.

Oh, I don't think he's that good. I literally watch them with my wife. I'm kidding. He does weird shit. That's what I like. He'll just have fun. Well, that's what it is. I think that's going to catch on, man. You know what I mean? He has Neil Young on at Springsteen and he can sing with him. It's amazing. No, it makes... It's pretty

crazy. Go down. If anyone hasn't seen it watch the one with paul rudd where they start talking about rocky on broadway it's fucking and then he and then he does like a karaoke not a karaoke they do a lip sync oh yeah i saw that i saw that that's the only one i didn't like joe the interview is better than that limp when they talk about rocky on broadway it's one of the funniest interviews i've ever seen you could play that whole thing on your podcast and people would crack up. You didn't see when Leno interviewed Joey Lawrence? Get to the next news story. Come on.

I want to see if I can hang with you on news stories. That's so funny. Now what am I going to do? We're almost done. You've got to get out of here. You've got a kid to pick up. I thought you'd at least bring up the Malaysia thing. The what? The airlines? Yeah. what do you got on it joe i don't have jokes on it i just

thought you'd bring it up because there was a new thing in this today that came out where they well they they're talking like now it's definite it just crashed in the you know i mean now they're saying it's definite it crashed in the indian well we know that stupid they didn't you know yeah we want to know why why yeah well then then i read a story today about lithium batteries the cargo was filled with lithium batteries this is another theory really how do they know that well you know what's it because there's records of what they put in the cargo area you know i mean and lithium batteries have caused like 140 fires on planes or whatever so that's another theory that they had a fire i still think he was a crazy muslim who just wanted to meet allah and said we're gonna bang a hard left what yeah what

are the odds that you got two stolen passports and it's just there was a fire and that's why yeah those are those guys again don't rule them out either those those are passages i think it was the pilots that were a little nuts you know the one of them has a picture of a democracy's dead t-shirt and he wiped his computer clean at home, which isn't, I don't know. But then, you know, the last thing the news wants to say is it might be crazy Muslims, and then everybody gets their panties in a bunch. Nobody's going to ever know, really, you know. But they think they found more debris today, you know.

The Chinese spotted a big chunk. The Australians spotted a chunk. It's very odd very odd i hope it doesn't happen to me when i'm flying to tampa this weekend that's all i do side splitters you will having kids you wonder if you should leave these news stories on because i'm taking my kids on their first family vacation to arizona in a couple weeks let them hear it and you're like no you should sit him down and go listen kids this happens sometimes families get on a plane to go to disney world and nobody knows where it goes.

Can you imagine? And they're all gone. And Mickey's gone. And scared the living shit out of him. You've probably tried Hulu.com, Joe. I have. I have something to know. Hulu Plus is so much more.

With Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. Hulu Plus lets you watch more. With HuluPlus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. HuluPlus lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and movies in the living room or on the go with your smartphone or your tablet. With HuluPlus, you can watch your favorite TV shows like SNL, the aforementioned Jimmy Kimmel Live, Shark Tank, and Scandal. Watch every episode of shows like Lost, Law & Order SVU, Doctor Who, and Community. You can also check out our exclusive content, including Hulu originals like The Wrong Mans and Behind the Mask, Hulu's new docuseries that takes you inside the world of sports mascots. You'll also get access to a collection of ad-free movies and kids' content. Joe, for only $7.99 a month.

That's cheap. Catch up on current shows, binge on on old favorites or catch a great movie stream as many tv shows and movies as you want wherever you want that's the key to it you can do it anywhere sitting on the toilet on a bus right now you can try hulu plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash nick. That's a special offer for our listeners. Make sure you use huluplus.com slash nick so you get the extended free trial and they know he sent you. Go to huluplus.com slash nick right now

for your extended two-week free trial. And again, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere, Hulu Plus, on your TV or on your smartphone or on your tablet. Shows like The Family Guy, Once Upon a Time, New Girl Scandal, and more. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash Nick. Well done. Yeah, baby.

That's where I want to try to sell my show now. That's like where you go. You don't even try to sell to networks. Try to sell to Hulu or Netflix or those kind of things. And I got a film, I'm telling you, go. You don't even try to sell to networks. Try to sell to Hulu or Netflix. That's right. And I got a film. I'm telling you, Joe. You know, the new age psychology shit. That's big.

And seriously. And you're a young dad. And you're good looking. You got kids. You got a good looking wife who's a psychologist. I mean, this is if the Hollywood pukes would write a series, those would be the characters. You're a new age dad. She's a new age mom.

And you're a comic. What do they want? What do they want out of you? And I go on the show with Nick DiPaolo once a week and we go over and he's my, I'm my friend. Yeah, I'll be the wacky Kramer. Only an Italian version of Kramer.

Italian Kramer. You just slide in. Instead of sliding, I kick the door in. I break it down my shoulder. I'm in a Guinea t-shirt with blood and mustard on it. Hey, kiss it each, Joe. Joey, that's about it.

I know you're going to get home, and good luck to you with the series, brother. Thanks, man. Seriously, I watched it, and it's good. Let's tell them where they can actually find it. That was my next question. Go ahead, sweetheart. Let them have it. So they can go watch all the episodes on officialcomedy.com.

Or you can just put Fixing Joe into your search window on YouTube. Either or. They're up there. Six, seven episodes now. And then every week after this, two new ones keep coming out. Goodfellas one's not up there yet. And the Rocky one just went up today. So that you can check out immediately go check them

out and and give me your advice underneath the clips because i asked for advice at the end of every podcast because i'm i'm broken i need fixing any gigs uh the stress factory i forgot about who do you know over there to get into that what vinny vinny gives me a date and nobody does this every year in january he goes'll put you in in November. He hasn't had me there in about four years. I don't know what I do to piss him off. Oh, you've got to call him like 45 times to get a gig. I don't call anyone. My agent doesn't.

Your agent has to call him 45 times. Let's see when I'm going to be at the Stress Factory. Yeah, take your time scrolling that up on the phone. April 10th through the 12th, I'll be at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. There you go. For myself, kids, this weekend, Thursday through Saturday, that's the 27th through the 29th, I'll be at SideSplitters in Tampa. Dragging my buddy Joe List on there.

That's a great show. April 4th through 7th, which is Friday through Sunday, is Caroline's here in New York City. And then April 11th and 12th, Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant. And at the end of April, the 25th through the 27th, the Improv in Tempe, Arizona. So if you're in any of those areas,

take your drone out. Stop in. It's near where my vacation's going to be. In Scottsdale, Arizonadale i'll enjoy the skin cancer anyways uh that's it kids thanks for tuning in uh thank you to uh joe madderice nice guy funny guy check him out and uh rinse your asses good day everybody good night until we meet again Adios

Au revoir Auf Wiedersehen guitar solo I'm out.