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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. We'll be right back. in the corner, cut the ball off. Here comes the throw, which is around, and Gertz, he goes in for second. He's tied. He's in there. He's safe. It's a double. He's in there, Martin.
You look at Richardson.
He's on second base.
Koufax is in big fucking trouble.
Big trouble, baby.
All right.
Here's Kress as the next batter.
Kress looks in.
Koufax.
Koufax gets a sign from Roseboro.
He kicks once.
He pumps.
He fires.
It's a strike.
Koufax's curveball is snapping off
like a fucking firecracker.
All right.
Here he comes for the next pitch.
Kress swings.
It's a long fly ball,
and he flips it in.
It's going, it's gone.
Somebody get me a fucking wiener before I die.
Koufax looks down, he's looking at the great Mickey Mantle now. Here comes the pitch, Mantle
swings, it's a great Mickey Mantle now. Here comes the pitch. Mantle swings. It's a fucking home run.
Gentlemen, stop this.
Stop this immediately.
Yeah, baby.
That's right.
It's back.
Opening day.
Come on, kids.
All is right with the world again, wouldn't you say?
I know you're all hooked on march madness
and that basketball is a great sport you can watch uh two teams trade baskets for two fucking hours
before one of them even means anything oh nick you don't appreciate the athleticism yeah yeah i do
six foot eleven they raise their arms that puts them at 17 foot eight and the hoop is 10 feet high a lot of
fucking skill yes it does get exciting during march madness but we talked about it last week
you got serious flaws in basketball both college and pro in the game itself i mean the way the
clock is run at the end of the game and the 19 timeouts. And let's face it, you're going to tell me a basket
two minutes into a basketball game has the same weight
as even a base hit in baseball in the first inning?
I don't know what you're watching.
I really don't.
If you're a real sports fan, it's got a lot of problems with it.
At least in hockey, when somebody scores a fucking goal
five minutes into the game, means something you know because uh
there's not gonna be 2 000 more of them scored but it is exciting in the end i know the kentucky
game it's uh you know but it could be even better as my point you know i don't know how you can't
if you like if you like college hoops and march madness i don't know how you can't get hooked on hockey. College or pro. I'll never understand it.
If you're just a sports fan.
Anyways, kids, how are you?
Good to be back.
This episode.
Where are my glasses?
God damn it.
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Baseball season is upon us.
And I know you're going, really?
You get bored of the last three minutes of a basketball game,
but you can watch nine innings?
Yeah, I can actually.
Again, because a home run in the first inning has some weight.
That's all I'm saying.
I mean, my Sox defending their championship belt starting today,
and they dropped a 2-1 decision to the Baltimore Orioles.
But they left 12 men on base, and Lester looked good, man.
Even in the loss, he looked pretty dominating.
It's going to be fun.
Going to be fun.
Ain't it?
Sure it is love baseball uh
baseball stories what did i play they played in high school um until i screwed up my shoulders
playing football then i had to quit and um most amazing thing i ever saw at a live baseball game
there's like a semi-pro league that used to play in my town.
And I went to a game one night on like a weeknight.
I'm at the park, nice warm.
I'll never forget it.
And this guy gets up.
I don't even remember his name.
And hits a blast to left field.
It's clearly going to be a home run.
They have, you know, light standards at this field.
And it was heading towards the lights.
going to be a home run. They have, you know, light standards at this field. And it was heading towards the lights. And all of a sudden, you see the ball stop midair and drop straight down onto
the field. And there was no doubt it was going to be, it was going to be gone by a hundred feet.
It was a monster shot. And then you see something fall on the field next to it. And I see the left
field to come jogging in and he picks up what was a bat as in vampire bats you know whatever
you know they have sonar and they pick up anything and they fly to it because they can't see
apparently but this guy actually killed a bat with a baseball i almost freaking fainted i will never
forget it and uh my one of my baseball coaches uh my best friend scott pike's dad was standing
next to me he goes goes, I've never,
and I've never heard the guy curse.
He's like, I never fucking seen anything like it.
Have you ever heard of such a thing?
I'm sure it might've happened before.
I mean, we all know Randy Johnson
threw a fastball that disintegrated a seagull.
But can you imagine a hit baseball?
I mean, what are the odds of that shit i wonder if anybody out there's ever heard uh you know of that happening i saw that i couldn't believe with my own eyes
crazy i um yeah i remember playing i remember playing in um what do you call it, Babe Ruth League?
Yeah, I was like, was that eighth grade or whatever?
And we had an umpire who was really obese.
Nice guy, young guy, but he was really obese.
And he was supposed to ump our game.
And he was supposed to ump our game.
And the problem was the fence was locked on the field where the umps walk in.
It was the only, like, and he couldn't climb over the fence like everybody else.
Everybody else climbed over with no problem.
We had to wait.
They had to make, like, nine phone calls.
The game was delayed, like, 40 minutes until somebody came down with down with like bolt cutters so they could let the ump in.
And he was a good guy, and he was a nice guy.
And that same ump tossed me out of a game a few weeks later.
My buddy Jeff Rice hit a line drive to left field.
It clearly bounced and went over the fence.
It was clearly a ground rule double.
But the ump was so heavy, he couldn't really get out there.
It wasn't like, you know, there were like four.
It's not like the pros.
There were four other umps out there.
So he called it a home run when it clearly bounced over the fence.
He didn't see it bounce.
The left fielder blocked his view, whatever.
And I, like, you know, like the punk that I was, I couldn't shut my mouth
and kept saying,
you fucking,
you gotta be kidding me,
Mike.
It wasn't even fucking close.
Then he warned me to be quiet.
And,
uh,
as he was walking away,
I said something like,
you fat fuck,
under my breath.
And he goes,
one more word.
And he said,
Mick,
cause he knew me.
I,
so he get back behind the plate
and then I yelled something about him being a fat or something to, Nick, because he knew me. So he got back behind the plate,
and then I yelled something about him being a fat or something to our shortstop, and he tossed me.
It was like the second inning.
So then I'm sitting up on the bleachers,
and my girlfriend comes down.
So I'm sitting on the bleachers with my girlfriend
watching my team play
and while i was up there i just i felt horrible because i knew the guy and actually apologized
to him like after the game and he actually gave me a ride home in his car
i just remember seeing like 70 pizza boxes in the backseat and a bunch of baseballs on the floor.
But yeah, I got ejected.
And I got ejected in a freshman high school game.
It's weird.
My guidance counselor was umping behind the plate.
And he called me out on a ball that was in the dirt, a third-call strike, and I just said,
you fucking suck.
I just forgot who was behind there.
And he gave me the hee-haw.
Oh, mama.
I don't even think I told my old man about that one.
The old man would have went crazy.
My father was, he came to watch me in a high school game,
and it was a really windy night.
I was playing shortstop.
I'll never forget.
It's the only time my old man really yelled at me
for something I did in athletics.
And there was a pop-up to short left field.
I started to go out on it.
I was playing short, and the left field was coming in it
started out like a regular fly ball but it was unbelievably windy so i backed off it thinking
that you know the left field was gonna and the thing like landed next to me it just blew back in
i wasn't not hustling which is how my old man saw it i came off the field and you know the rest of the game
went on then i remember getting in the car and he was like really quiet and he just looked at me he
goes son if you don't want to fucking play then don't play and i didn't know what he was talking
about and then he explained about the pop up the left and of course i said to him it was you know
it was the wind it was a fly ball to left when it started out.
And, you know, he didn't buy that.
But I was never known for not hustling.
So, you know, but he chewed my ass out there.
Can't really blame him, I guess, but it was very deceiving.
And what kinds of baseball stories?
In Little League and Farm League, they brought me into pitch.
I forget what happened on the first kid.
Did they replace pitches in Little League?
I came in like in the second inning and had never pitched before.
And I hit three kids in a row because I had a good arm, but I had no control.
And I drilled like three kids in a row and I had a good arm but I had no control and I drilled like three kids
in a row and I started crying on the mound because I was so upset because I hit these three kids and
they were crying I was and they kept me healthy here's the difference between back then and
today's kids whereas if that happened today they'd have a shrink you know running out to the pitches
mound and analyzing uh so yeah I was almost i'm on the mound like
almost sobbing my coach comes out and go what's the matter you're doing fine but but i bit my
tongue i remember when he came out i was chewing bubbling my bit almost bit the tip of my tongue
off so i'm spitting blood the rest of the game and um anyways i remember going home being really
upset and my old man you know i was like that's farm league you're a little kid and uh i remember the phone ringing it was my coach the late great mr weymouth and my father
said you know your coach wants to talk to you and he said you know i don't know why he's so upset
you struck out 16 which i don't even i know i had struck struck out a lot of people but i had
was so upset about hitting these kids.
And the bleeding of the tongue.
I remember going to bed that night and then holding a face cloth in my tongue.
I must have still bleed.
But, you know, it was going to be like traumatic moments.
And there was another time, the other time my father got upset with me,
playing third base in what they call major leagues, which is when you're like 12 or 30. And once again, I had a good arm, but I had no accuracy. And ground ball
the third, I overthrow the first baseman by about 60 feet. Two minutes later, another ground ball
the third, I throw it in the dirt. And so I come off, my father was kind of like chewing me out a little bit, telling me to take my time.
And somebody from the local paper took a picture of it.
I might have told this on the early podcast.
And like three days later through, you know, regular mail, about 18 people who knew my family.
My dad sent the picture of him.
Him chewing me out with me with a scowl on my face.
It's the same face I have when I do comedy.
You guys have seen it a million times.
Me with a scowl on my face.
It's the same face I have when I do comedy.
You guys have seen it a million times.
But, yeah, I never could.
Had a decent arm.
Never knew where it was going.
You know?
So it was kind of frustrating.
I could stop anything.
Could stop any ground ball.
But, God, the throw to first.
Just, I was like Chuck Knobloch.
Remember when he started to get the yips the uh what was the other little league story oh
playing one of my buddies uh team we talked about it all day during school because we plan each other
um they had national league and american league and little league too and we were scrimmaging a national league team and i i'm pitching now i had a no hitter going in the the fourth of the fifth
inning you only play like six in literally had a no hitter going against this kid's team uh kid
gets up fouls a ball off towards the right field dugout and i remember my first baseman i think it was dave serelski the bent over picked it up
um and it was one of those nights where the sun was setting like a huge it was right behind
our dugout you don't mean when the sun is really low and blinding all i remember is him seeing his
hand release the ball and then i lost it in the sun instead of ducking because i had too much pride i didn't
look like a puss i stuck my glove up you know like close my eyes next thing i know i hear
crack right in the hits me right in the nose and it's gushing i'm on the pitch's mouth this is in
between you know a guy following one off now i'm down on the mound holding my nose and blood is
just gushing through my fingers and uh yeah i had a
goddamn no hitter going and then i uh i remember going over uh yeah my coach said somebody take
him uh i don't think my parents were there the night somebody took me to the hospital
and uh i remember i remember going to the and sitting on the doctor's uh table and he just
tapped it and you could hear two clicks and he goes oh yeah that's broken
but then he just grabbed it and kind of put it back in place with his thumb and uh you know his
other finger i looked like a raccoon for about a week but uh god damn it no hit of donna turlet
and uh what was another story i wanted to tell you oh yeah i got picked off
this was in that babe ruth league i get picked off to end the game on first base
which is a no-no you sports fans now really friggin embarrassing uh this my sister's boyfriend
this kid named pat he was a lefty, had an unbelievable move to first base. And here we are, we're down like two runs.
It's the bottom of the last inning.
I walked, I think, to get on.
And like an idiot, I'm taking like this huge lead,
which I had no business doing because my run doesn't mean anything.
And he threw over a couple times, I dove back.
And then he caught me leaning the wrong way, like on the third throw.
My helmet falls over my eyes. I go to reach back. times I dove back and then he caught me leaning the wrong way like on the third throw my helmet
falls over my eyes I go to reach back I my hand is like a foot from the bag the guy tagging me on
my head was laughing so I get up to one knee that that's how the game ended so that's so embarrassing
I get up to one knee and without looking I take my helmet off and wing it you know like
like almost like a frisbee underhand Didn't know my coach was jogging out.
Hits him right in the chin.
Coach Peterson.
He goes, what the fuck, Dipper?
That was my nickname, Dipper.
Apologized to him about 100 times.
So I get picked off.
Then I wing my helmet.
It hits my coach in the chin.
And, you know, and there's people there to see it
under the lights.
Tremendous athlete that I was. imagine getting picked off to end the game very embarrassing very embarrassing um
but uh yeah i love baseball as i get older i don't know you have more patience to sit there
for three hours and watch it but uh i miss going to Fenway, although I saw the ultimate game last year
when we clinched the World Series against the Cardinals.
But I remember going to Fenway Park for the first time
like circa 1970,
maybe about eight years old.
They were playing the Cleveland Indians.
Remember the first time you went into a ballpark?
Was that not the best feeling to see Fenway?
Back then you could smell cigar smoke and popcorn.
Not today where you smell, you know, douche and perfume and kids are eating candy cigarettes.
It's no fun.
But, yeah, they were playing the Cleveland Indians and Fenway memories.
I was there when the Red Sox and Yankees were playing on national TV.
I was there when the Red Sox and Yankees were playing on national TV.
And on a Saturday, and there was a fly ball at the, I think it was right field where Reggie was playing.
And he kind of loafed in on it and it dropped in front of him.
And Billy Martin went shithouse.
I was sitting out in the bleachers so I could see into the Yankees dugout.
And I remember, you know, Reggie being in, and I could see everything.
I couldn't wait to get home to watch TV.
I could see him and Billy Martin going toe-to-toe.
That was tremendous.
Always went into the—obviously, when the Yankees came to town,
always tried to make it into Fenway.
And then I went to a night game against the Yankees at Fenway. Again, bleachers, couldn't afford anything else.
And I remember there was a whole row
of guys with Yankees,
Yankee t-shirts on
and paraphernalia and shit.
And they were being really loud
and obnoxious
because I think the Yankees
were winning as usual.
And when a bunch of Red Sox fans
like all at once,
they counted to like three
and like 20 people threw beers
at these guys
and then all fucking hell broke.
He got a hand to these Yankees.
They were swinging from their ass.
Took about five minutes for security to get there.
And what a melee.
Shirts getting ripped off and shit.
It was unbelievable.
And that was the same night after that fight breaks out.
Christ, probably three or four innings later, all of a sudden you hear a roar in the crowd
and you see people standing up
and the bleachers behind me.
There's a guy with no shirt on.
He stole the Goulden's mustard,
those big mustard things.
I don't even know if they have them anymore.
They're probably protected now.
He had a thing of Goulden's mustard
and he had like four cops chasing him.
He had no shirt on.
I don't know if he was a Yankees fan
or a Red Sox fan.
And the crowd was cheering him on and it was like watching somebody run on the field. They couldn't was a yankees fan or a red red socks fan and that and the crowd was
cheering him on and it was like watching somebody run on the field they couldn't get a hold of this
freaking guy uh that was the freaking best man it's so different at fenway like like i said man
you go there now obviously no smoking or any i mean it's just people it's uh it's date night you
know it's all pretty people and stuff. It's crazy.
Bathrooms are actually clean.
That part of the evolution of the ballpark, I don't mind.
But it's not as gritty and shit.
Went to a Tigers game when I was a kid.
My dad brought me and my brother.
And my old man ended up getting a foul ball dick mccullough
for the tigers filed one off we were third bay side and my old man reached over i remember
reaching over banging heads with a kid i was wearing a uh one of those red socks helmets you
know the ones you buy at the game and i smacked heads with this kid who had an oakland a's helmet
on weren't even playing the a's i don don't know why. But helmets went flying.
And I'm picking up my helmet.
And I turn on my old man's got the ball and hands it to me.
And I remember the guy next to him, this guy next to him,
I guess he was with his kid.
And my dad had actually accidentally knocked the kid's Coke over.
And the guy was like, the least you can do is get my son another drink.
My old man just ignored him.
But how about that?
The old man was a hero.
Brings his kid to a Sox game.
Gets a baseball.
Gotta love him for that.
And then, another baseball memory, gotta love him for that and then
another baseball memory
of course 1986
the New York Mets
game 6
I'm at a bar in Boston
I got a girl sitting on my lap
looks like a young Jane Fonda
I hope this is recording i just looked at my thing and i don't know if those red lights are on um
and uh yeah the ball goes through buckner's legs and i just fucking go to the girl get off
get off me and she's like what's meant i go the fuck up. And I went storming out of the bar. I just met her in there.
And still regret it.
She was a real piece of ass.
And I'm not just saying that because I'm 73 now.
But I was so furious.
My night was so ruined.
Oh, God.
So. That's it baseball-wise.
Please tell me this is recording.
God help us.
What's gone on since I saw you last?
The plane thing.
Still looking for that, right?
I get tired of that story.
You get so jaded. You get so desensitized, don looking for that, right? I get tired of that story. You get so jaded.
You get so desensitized, don't you, by television?
You're like, oh, who gives a fuck at this point?
Meanwhile, there's 230 plus people waiting to know what happened to their relatives.
And I'm like, I don't give a shit.
I'm putting on the Kardashians.
But something seems fishy there to me.
Something seems very fishy fishy no pun intended as
they sit at the bottom of the indian ocean but i really do think it was a the muslim pilot was a
little suicidal and having a lot of personal problems and just sounds like he programmed
that thing he took it up to 45k and then you know let's depressurized whatever maybe even in the
cockpit put himself to sleep and had that thing
pre-programmed to make a hard left over the end of the ocean, knowing that he'll fly on, you know,
because he knows how much fuel's in there. And then it's going to land in the middle of nowhere
and nobody's going to find it. That to me seems like the best explanation. I don't believe aliens
busted at the cockpit, maybe illegal aliens, Maybe those Iranian guys with fake passports.
I'd like to hear more about that angle, too.
That sort of went away.
I don't know.
I don't trust these, you know.
Because since 9-11, they always want to, you know, tamper down the terrorist things so we don't panic.
So, you know, I mean, I think they pick and choose which ones to squash.
So I'm a little skeptical.
But that really hasn't progressed since the last time I talked to you.
They're looking closer towards Australia now.
Towards the land and trying to find a black box in the Indian.
Good luck, man.
I dropped my watch in a buddy's pool last summer.
It took us a fucking day and a half to find it.
So, yeah.
And then, what else?
Putin's doing what he's doing,
but who cares?
It's way over there.
It was part of Russia anyways.
You know, we can't let him go crazy,
but whatever.
What are you going to do?
We can't go to war.
Stripping the military.
Not spending any money on those fellas
why would you want to do that
in a world that's fucking crazy
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the hell else
I was in Tampa
over the weekend at Sidesplitters
Bobby, I won't say his last name
Bobby's the owner, this guy, hard drinking guy
he's a New Yorker, I think he said he grew up
in like Orange County or somewhere, somewhere a little north.
But went to school at Wagner on Staten Island and played football there and loves his whiskey, loves his cigarettes.
He's a wild man, absolute wild man.
And matter of fact, he texted me a few months ago saying, you got to be down here Wednesday afternoon by three o'clock for radio that afternoon.
That was months ago.
Back in like January.
And then I get the gig sheet from my agent a couple days before the gig.
And it just mentions radio on Friday.
No mention of any other radio.
And I had already booked my flight and shit.
You know how that works.
You try to change it, and they want your left testicle
and a little bit of your scalp and two of your nieces.
And just fucking ridiculous.
So I had to keep the flight.
And the last thing you want to do, folks,
after doing the road for 20-something years,
is to be in some city.
I don't give a shit what it is, a day early.
I almost wanted to cry.
And as much as I like Bobby, the owner, and, you know, I texted him like a few days.
Is this right?
He's like, no, it's a Thursday.
He tells me Thursday and another text.
And then it turns out the guy on Thursday, the number one show, I don't know.
He wanted me to go down there and roast him
in April, and I couldn't do it, because I thought I had another gig coming, I said no,
so he didn't put me on, I think a little retaliatory, a little, being a little petty,
I don't want to say his name, I still like the guy, hope he still likes me, but that, you know,
number one station in Tampa, so I end up doing some am 970 political station
for like eight minutes and uh you know i said to bobby the owner i go dude then that was on
friday morning you come on get rid of that what are you doing with that 970 am station like that's
gonna fuck up he goes what are you talking about we just sold 3800 dollars worth of tickets since you're done and i go really so why wouldn't you have me do two hours
on there you know so you never know with bobby where the bullshit ends or begins so uh yeah i'm
down there an extra day ah fuck me well i get down there you know like seven o'clock wednesday night
still though then you get all day thursday to do nothing till the first show on thursday night Well, I get down there, you know, like 7 o'clock Wednesday night. Still, though.
Then you get all day Thursday to do nothing until the first show on Thursday night.
Great club, by the way.
Side splitters.
Tremendous shows.
Actually sold out a couple.
Made a little bit of bonus money.
And the shows could have been perfect except for a couple of drunk twats.
Again, I swear to God they shouldn't let women in under 30 to a comedy comedy.
And even then, they shouldn't let them drink because they get beer balls and they get mouthy.
They know it's not going to get physical,
so they go way further than any guy would.
There's a blonde woman with a guy that sort of looked like me.
I think even at my age, she looked 10 years younger than him. Good-looking him good looking blonde bro after every joke and she's right in the front so nobody else can
she goes oh that's horrible oh that's terrible oh geez oh oh that's she after every fucking like
doing it intentionally to try to get my attention i go why so finally i go can you stop commenting
on every punch line out loud and people giggled around her because you know the other tables will laugh so she gets this pissy look on her face and crosses her arms for the rest of the
show just like a fucking six-year-old girl would if you took away her doll or something just staring
at me and then her friend who was with her boyfriend at the same table starts whispering
and now she's pissed me because i told her friend to be quiet and I mean just fucking
ridiculous. Ridiculous.
That was no biggie but then
another show there's a girl there
with those I don't know how to describe
these glasses other than I always say Janine
Garofalo glasses and I you know
I don't want to disparage Janine
but you know what I'm talking about. Those glasses
you see on every broad at Starbucks, the puss on their face.
She's sitting up front, and I said something about her posture.
She was sitting there with her arms folded and her head cocked, and I asked her if she was like, you know, I go, are you having a good time?
Then show it or whatever.
She goes, you're such a fucking phony.
I said, what?
You're such a fucking fraud.
I go, what do you mean i'm a fraud yeah
me nick dipalo's a fraud out of anybody that doesn't put up a facade while he's on stage
uh i go what are you talking about i i was uh there was a guy i was bumming cigarettes from
by the way i wasn't i didn't know i wasn't supposed to be smoking on that stage they
found that out two nights later um i'm bumming cigarettes from a guy to my right with an earring.
I was busting his balls about his earrings.
And he had a Lance Armstrong yellow band on his wrist.
And, you know, just good zingers back and forth.
Nothing mean-spirited.
She's like, you set your phone.
Everybody down here is from New York.
You're from New York.
These are all your friends helping you.
She goes, this is what almost sent me through with your little comedy, your little comedy show. She couldn't
have been more fucking condescending. And that's when I went, fuck, what are you talking about?
First of all, what do you mean? You know, that guy, the guy I was bumming, she pointed at him
and goes, you know, that guy, you, he's a plant. You brought him. I've heard this a few times over
my career. Let me explain to people who are new to stand-up comedy clubs,
and I don't know how you can be, you know.
If you go to a comedy club for the first time now in 2014,
it's really a fucking sad commentary.
Oh, you're very bright, one or the other.
We don't bring plants.
What am I, Burt Wonderstone?
What the fuck?
Plant.
Stand-up comics don't plant.
You know, they might have done that in the vaudeville or something.
She thought literally I knew the guy that was giving me cigarettes,
that he was a friend of mine, and she pointed at somebody else.
And then I even handed her.
Here's something I never do.
I put the mic down by her mouth so the crowd could hear.
What a douche she was.
She starts to try to pull it out of my hand, like real angrily,
and then I could notice a slur in her words.
But what bothered me was she
wasn't like some dumb hilly hillbilly redneck the fact that she used the phrase your little comedy
show uh you know i mean uh just a and i just i call her a humorless this is what modern feminism
has brought us just a humorless bitch way too assertive and bumptious. You can Google that one.
Just annoying with those glasses.
And then she started screaming over me every time I try to talk.
And you can see right through you.
And then all the tables are going, what the fuck?
Throw her out.
Throw her out.
I gave her enough rope to hang herself.
And I'm figuring, you know know I'm about seven minutes into it
I'm figuring there's gonna be a doorman or something but uh there's only one guy and he's
busy he's right he runs the joint but somebody told him so he finally came in and and I said
and I never say this I go throw her out or the show is gonna be stopped right here I mean that's
how fucking obnoxious she was. And he comes down.
I see her stand up.
He told her, you know, she had to leave.
She stands up.
I see her reach for a glass of wine, start to bring it up near her chest.
I've been through this before, folks.
Positioning it to flick it in my face.
So I took like, I was sitting on a leather couch on the stage.
I slid down and went into the couch while this was going on.
And, you know, she was removed like a tumor on somebody's ass pipe.
And the whole place went crazy.
And again, you can ask any comic.
I'm not trying to be misogynist here.
But 98.9% of the times with these incidents, it's girls.
Sorry, ladies.
You get a few in you and you get all fucking obnoxious, and filled with
your fucking Oprah assertiveness, or whoever pumps you up these days, and just, she was just,
I could have cut her head off, and slept like a goddamn lamb, it would have been like taking a
sleeping pill for me, but I was able to, oh, if you could have just seen her face, other, you know
what's bad with other women in the crowd are trying to fucking,
they're just pointing at her and screaming at her.
And then, you know what?
Went back to the show and destroyed the rest of the show
because there were no interruptions.
But, I don't know, Bill Hicks said it once on one of his CDs.
He goes, what's the emotional level of the average American? What think about a fucking eighth grade level it really feels that it's even
worse now you ask somebody to shut off their cell phone and they'll pout they'll cross their arms
and fucking pout for the rest of the show and let me tell you people who come out to comedy clubs
whether it's your first time or your 50th time shut off the motherfucking phone okay and every time i ask
and again mostly chick i go i've asked this about eight times to women why what's so important i
have kids at home then what the fuck are you doing at my show okay the future criminals are at home
what are you doing at my show so i'm supposed to believe you don't have a babysitter that's your answer you have kids at home that you're so concerned that you have to
check in with them so they must be by themselves then i usually say something pleasant like i hope
they're playing with matches and gasoline in their pajamas and the whole crowd and i'm like i'm
kidding obviously but kids that's always the out, isn't it?
Bring the kids into it.
But that goddamn woman, boy, she had me furious.
I wanted to give her a few of these.
What's the idea?
Get upstairs.
Yeah, get upstairs.
Sit down.
Hang up the phone.
Wouldn't that be beautiful if that was allowed?
Oh, Rob.
Spratch, please tell me
you're going to get something.
I'm looking at those red lights.
They look kind of dull.
I use, you know, GarageBand.
You know what I'm talking about.
I hate this whole fucking setup.
Anyways, other than that, other than the chicks, it's funny.
Joe List was my feature act.
He kept talking about some woman named Vivian that was tweeting him,
and I'm half listening going, I'm sure she's delicious.
And this cute, like, woman in her, like, 30s, she had a little latino accent but she was you know really
pretty and she's there with her husband who's like this italian guy and she's talking shit about her
husband hanging all over joe i listen to your podcast i mean just all over fucking joe and i'm
laughing my balls off and she's saying shit about her husband right in front of him and i'll tell
you i put two and two together in three seconds because i'm like this is tampa i used to talk about i know arty used to talk about it i think norm mcdonald i think arty
had a bit on it or norm mcdonald somebody about tampa every time you get on there i've had probably
three or four times in my career where a couple has come up to me after the show and wanted me
to go back with them to their fucking house or their hotel or whatever. And every time it was Tampa.
Every time.
And I remember saying that to Artie and he said the same thing.
It was either him or Norm had a bit about it.
So it's like a common thing that comics know about.
So that's exactly what this was.
You know?
I can't remember what happened.
I can't remember why they...
Oh, Joe has a girlfriend.
That's why.
That's Joe right now. joe i'm i'm talking
about you i guess i should shut the uh sound effects off on my uh ipad anyways so anyways
but this vivian broads all over joe was the funniest thing she was smoking cute i've uh i
suggest any follow-up on that oh wait a minute he's got a girlfriend that's right well whatever
um you know vivian and and joe i gotta give joe props by the way i met this
i met list i'm the one who brought him down to new york told him to come down i met him seven
years ago and uh at the comedy connection in boston and he was all right i'm like he's a
perfect feature act you know uh he's likable but but um he'm like, he's a perfect feature act, you know, uh, he's likable,
but, but, um, he, like I said, he's a fall down drunk. And when he came down to New York and,
and, and I kept using them when I went on the road, he wasn't really progressing. He wasn't
writing jokes and, and, uh, you know, just three in the afternoon, he's watching good fellows for
the thousandth time with a case of bud next to him. He wasn't really growing and so i i didn't use him for about six months and
then i did a gig out in i don't know one of those states wyoming montana and i couldn't believe how
good he had gotten and he had quit drinking and i and and now he's just a fucking great comic man
i'm like i remember him coming off a couple times this week and i go that's enough for you i don't need to fucking work this hard you don't want to i mean he was killing with funny
new shit i kept sticking my head in and seeing stuff i had never seen before and he did a great
job and and bobby the owner loves him at side splitters so maybe i'll throw him a week down
there that might happen um but uh he had great shit and uh you've heard him on this
podcast before if i didn't live up in the adirondacks i'd have a guest tonight but uh
people like well i gotta take three trains a bus and two helicopters to get to your house
and i'm like i know it's inconvenient but when the shit comes down
uh you know when i'm when i have my standoff with the U S government on my property, you'll
be happy.
You're out here with me.
But, uh, yeah, list, uh, big props to list.
Did a nice job.
I think I put on five pounds while I was down there.
You know, when you hang out with a guy who likes to drink and smoke and eat and, and,
and doesn't care whether he's dead in three minutes, uh, and you, he, he somehow sucks
you in.
doesn't care whether he's dead in three minutes uh and you he somehow sucks you in he took me to a steakhouse and uh the minute i got there and you know he's like run up a governor i
met everybody the staff the guy in the kitchen the guy doing the grout work and uh by the way i don't
like that i don't like to meet people i'm not gonna ever see again you know i mean you meet
him for like three seconds i know that's being rude and shit but i don't like that um but but they took care of us bobby knew the guy and uh i ate my steak and half of his a portobello mushroom filled
with like fucking nine pounds of cheese and spinach and then an order of sado or mushrooms
and then a fucking carrot cake with like three scoops of ice and even bobby this is what scares
me when a fat uh guy who likes to drink looks at you and goes, Jesus Christ, can you eat?
And, you know, then I lay around in the hotel. What am I going to do? Go running in the fitness center with the 86-year-old equipment? So, yeah. And then he drags us to Hooters one
day, me, him, and Joe go to Hooters. I feel creepy going in there in my 50s now. I kept knocking my fork off the table
and going, Pam, can you pick that up again?
Yum, yum.
I'll go to the Wings here.
That's when you know you're getting old.
I go to Hooters and I talk about the Wings.
Lister's like, oh, the tits on her.
I'm like, can I get the fucking hot sauce, please?
I used to do a bit about Hooters.
It's the only restaurant I find hair in my food.
I keep it, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, gross.
Got a partial standing O on the first show Saturday night.
It was great, like half the room.
The whole room would have stood up there if I milked it.
You know how comics do that?
They stay up there and bow for seven minutes.
Eventually, they feel obligated to stand up.
But that room fucking rocks, man.
It rocks.
So if you're in Tampa sometime
and I'm down there,
come on out.
What the hell?
What the hell else?
I tweeted before I came on,
before I started doing this,
asked some of my fans
to write in questions on Twitter.
So let's take a look at those and see.
That's just asking for problems
because there's so many fucking pukes out there.
Let's check it out, shall we?
And like an idiot, I said, you can ask anything.
I forgot to put, except the Nick and Artie show.
I can't talk about that.
I can't talk about that stuff
for reasons that you should be able to figure out.
So, let's see.
You know, people are so funny, such wise asses.
Of course, like the second question I get is like,
what's your favorite color?
And you know the guy hates me, and he's being a wise ass.
And by the way, whoever tweeted that,
it's light brown, like your sister's delicious manhole
covered nipples.
Perk face. light brown like your sister's delicious manhole covered nipples prick face uh
now here's a guy commenting because somebody asked me about arty and this guy says
they're fans of both you guys can't you understand that yeah i can and i can't talk about it can't
you understand that and i'm not fucking obligated to give you an answer.
Is Comedy Central ever going to wise up and bring you back for a roast?
Uh, no.
I got to paint a picture
for you guys. It's probably a bunch of chicks over
there running the joint, you know?
And those roasts, they're fun to do, but
you know, who knows?
They want big names, you know? Like the broad that played Maureen McCormick
that played Marsha Brady, you know?
It's not about putting funny guys on.
It's about getting big audiences.
So they put on people who were famous 15 years ago.
So as much as I love doing those things, who knows?
Talk about your fraternity days uh i belong to sigman up at maine i remember my parents coming up to see for the first time this true story my mother comes in
there's two dogs we had a black and white dog two dogs under the table fighting over a ham bone that
was about a week old and there were two dog shits in the foyer when she came my mother comes in she's like a claim freak i mean she's like a psycho claim
she literally started i see her eyes tear up because the house is so dirty
and i said when they leave and i go i go uh dad i go you know my i was my room's on the third floor
i remember they uh they asked me before they came up i i said to my dad i go, you know, my room's on the third floor. I remember they asked me before they came up.
I said to my dad, I go, as you're pulling in,
because my fraternity sat like at the front of the campus on a hill.
I said, when you see the big white house on the right, that's Sigma Nu.
I go, look at the window on the third floor.
You'll see a window on the side with like a yellow.
You can see the aluminum siding is stained.
That's where me and my roommate used to pee out the window when we were drunk.
My mother just almost fucking disowned me.
It's so funny.
My mother's a good-looking woman back in the day.
And it's so goddamn funny.
She comes in the house, and this kid Jimbo, one of my fraternity brothers,
immediately runs upstairs.
This kid was a bodybuilder, like a handsome kid, though.
Immediately comes downstairs, goes upstairs, comes back downstairs with a towel wrapped around him,
like he was going to use the shower. And of course, it's like, hey, bro, every time a hot
chick would come in the house, he'd do that. He's doing it to my mother, for Christ's sake.
Of course, I called him when I ran in front of him. My mother's just sitting there with a smirk
on her face. couldn't blame her
nick what are some of the worst bombing stories you have um i don't have any worse i've ever done is an a minus uh no the worst bombing the one that comes to mind and i've told this before
in interviews was what i was opening for paul anchor that's right the guy who wrote the
tonight show theme i might have told this again before on the podcast not sure but at the cape
cod melody tent in uh in hyannis massachusetts down cape cod it's an outdoor tent beautiful
it's in the round the stage rotates when you're on it and i had no business being there opening
for paul lank i had been in the business about 18 months.
I knew somebody who worked at the thing, who knew somebody.
And they somehow got me to open for Paul Anka.
Of course, they wanted a lily clean show.
And I was a little bit dirty.
I tried to be clean for the first eight minutes.
I'm dying the death of a thousand cuts.
The stage is rotating.
You know, it's round.
I'm like a piece of chicken burning in a microwave.
And I was so nervous, I put my drink down behind me i know i've told this on this podcast from but you asked and on a stationary part of the uh stage that was not not part of the stage
outside of the stage like the rim of the theater so i go to reach back for that and i see my drink
like a half mile away and i get caught in my so then i went into a bunch of shit jokes about
adult diapers and pissing themselves and made fun of the oxygen tanks because there was
nobody under 80 in the fucking crowd. I'm not exaggerating. And I started to kill and I came
off. Paul Anka was upset cause I said shit like four times so he can go, he can kiss my fucking
left nut. Um, that was the worst that I ever bombed.
I killed for about four minutes, and then I started bombing again.
And it's not pleasant.
It's kind of fun now, but I was young then, so I thought my career was ruined.
But after you do it a while, you kind of enjoy going on the shitter
because you have proven material,
and it's up to you whether you're going to go sell out and go back to it
or just go, no, you don't want to hate these people so much.
Nick DiPaolo, if you could punch any celebrity in the face, who would it be?
I'll take my answer off the air.
Slappy White wrote it.
That's really easy. I don't know if you'd call her a celebrity, but how about, uh,
the broad and the progressive commercials,
progressive insurance?
The fuck's her name?
I can't even remember.
You know who I'm talking about.
That woman.
Oh, I'd like to hit her on the side of her head
with a fucking radio speaker.
Oh.
I call her a celebrity
because she's on TV,
you know,
more than Johnny Carson was
and she must be a zillionaire by now.
What is it?
Chloe or Chloe or Zoe?
What the fuck's your name?
Progressive.
You know who I'm talking about.
Oh, goodness.
And who else?
Justin Bieber.
I'd like to stick curling irons
in his eyes
for about 40 minutes.
Another douche.
There's so many of them.
I don't know what you call celebrities today.
Everybody gets a standing ovation.
You ever notice now in talk shows, they'll bring some person who has a bit part on the Big Bang Theory.
Some fucking, not even a principal player.
They get a standing ovation.
Big Bang Theory, some fucking, not even a principal player.
They get a standing ovation.
Remember standing ovations, you know, were reserved for like astronauts and heart surgeons and Hall of Fame athletes.
Now, hey, here's candy from fucking How I Met Your Mother.
Huh?
Nick, will the Red Sox be world champions?
And you're goddamn right they will, even though they're 0-1.
Why not?
What? world champions in you goddamn right they will even though they're 0-1 why not what the hell else what was it like the first time you auditioned for a comedy club
well what you're asking me is what's it like to go on stage for that you know because you
don't audition for a comedy club you go to to open mic night, which is not audition for a comedy club.
You go on just to bust your cherry, you know.
There's no promises they're going to bring you back,
even if you do good.
But that is just the best.
You're so excited no matter how you did.
I just said it to my wife today.
You get all nostalgic.
You can bring, you know this, you can bring back certain feelings when you hear a song or the first time you kissed
a girl or sawed her head off remember that feeling you can you can uh i can do that i did it at
stitches in boston on com av and uh i still remember not being able to sleep that night
that i finally because it's something I had wanted to do for years,
and I knew, you know.
I can still, I can, it's like sensory perception.
I can smell the stale bear in that room
and being so excited when I got off.
And, yeah, my material wasn't too good.
I mean, it's the first five minutes I ever wrote that.
I did something about Archie Bunker getting blown by a shark.
Easy with the teeth there, huh?
And then something about
my girlfriend always asking
dumb questions like,
will you shave my back?
I think that was my first two.
Some really delicious material
that I thought was actually good.
And that's what's funny about it.
You think you're good?
It was called Comedy Hell
with George McDonald.
It was at Stitches in Boston.
If you want to see the room that I told my first joke in, rent that movie.
When stand-up stood out, it's all about the comedy scene, and it shows that club.
It actually shows the little box office where you stood before you went on stage for the first time.
And then the shit stand I left on stage.
And then the shit stand I left on stage.
What's a project you turned down that you ultimately regretted or accepted?
What did I turn down that I regretted?
Oh, I would say the lead.
They wanted me to play Uncle Charlie on My Three Sons.
But I was too young.
I was four at the time.
So I don't really regret that.
No.
Did I turn anything down that I regretted?
Yes.
Sound of music.
Wanted me to delete that and the mouse that roared at high school.
I can't really think of...
I turn everything down, you know?
I like my house.
Anything I turned down?
Anything that I accepted that I regretted?
Do you want a podcast?
True TV.
You know, world's dumbest.
I love those guys and stuff.
But, you know, I needed the freaking money.
And I thought, this will never see the light of day, this show, these clip shows.
There's so many of them.
This ain't going to catch on.
You know?
And, you know, Tonya Harding.
Yeah, I want to be seen with her.
And I'm like, I go, and I actually said this to my agent.
Look, I just want the money.
Don't tell them not to put my name on the website and all that shit.
Fucking a month later, I'm getting recognized in airports.
So I'm on World's Dumbest Party.
It's funny shit, man.
And, you know, again, I had to do what I had to do.
So I don't regret it in that aspect.
But now I kind of, you know, look fucking silly on there.
But what are you going to do?
Can't sell coke anymore.
Here's another thing.
The feminists want to outlaw the word bossy what do you think
first of all do they outlaw it really do they really want to come on the word bossy what do
you think okay as long as i can still say bitch i don't have a problem with it is that is that's
that's still legal right bossy do you believe the times we're living in?
Oh, my God.
Fucking gays, minorities and women.
Just fucking did your whining ever fucking end?
What's the most overrated news story in the past 10 years?
That would be probably our first black president.
Like that was so fucking.
They say it was overdue.
It seemed about,
now looking back,
it seemed we waited about right.
Bum, bum, bum, bum.
What was the last great story
with Patrice you got to experience?
I think I told it recently
about him coming up here for my cookout he came
up two years in a row and the second year he brings 400 with the chinese food i'm not kidding
you he pulls up in his escalade the back is filled it was like santa's sleigh with fucking chinese
food and that and me and him going up to montreal in his car we drove up for the uh comedy festival
and you know just talked about you know race and
you know if they could have heard the shit we're saying inside his car they would have arrested us
in canada you know that fucking socialist fascist state um
uh big shout out to Donnie what are your thoughts slash memories
on Greg Giraldo
love him
just hear him on the radio and I forget he's gone
you know I get all excited same with Patrice
but Giraldo was
he was as nice a guy as he was funny
I remember him
trying to hit on my wife
who I just met at the time when i first met
my wife gerald was opening for me at uh princeton catch rising star and i remember watching him
and uh going okay this kid's got it he's gonna be a pain in the ass uh and how funny he was you know
even when he was new and um, yeah, what a goddamn shame.
I remember him and Patrice almost getting into it
at the comedy cellar one night.
You know, that black, Hispanic,
you know, how they kind of don't like each other.
It's fun when you're white watching that.
I don't know, Greg must have had a few in him,
but they started mouthing off.
Patrice was sitting way at one end,
and he was at the other,
and they were yelling over a loud restaurant.
Yelling at each other.
That was pretty fucking cool.
And then when we did the Pam Anderson roast, we flew out together.
And he had quit drinking.
And we go to the hotel.
He opens his door.
We go into his room first us and there's a basket that
comedy central sent us with about i don't know 250 dollars worth of booze in it and he immediately
handed it to me and i just brought it to my room and we went shopping for clothes because neither
one of us had clothes for the roast he comes back with like a hip t-shirt or I can't remember what he wore. I had like a three-piece suit with a top hat.
But yeah,
missed the guy.
What was your worst
gambling loss
and how does it compare
to the worst you've seen
or heard about?
I gamble like a puss.
Artie used to fucking
laugh at me
when I told him
about my gambling losses.
I told you,
New Year's Eve
when Notre Dame was playing Colorado in 1991,
and I think it was the national championship,
and Rocket Ismail, one of those guys, returned a punt
all the way for Notre Dame with about three minutes left to put him ahead.
I was already down $1,600, but my net worth as a person was like $500.
I was bumming money from people.
And I was playing catch-up.
I tried to double up on that game.
So now I ended up minus $3,200, which is a joke.
That's nothing.
I mean, no McDonald loses $70,000 in a night and doesn't blink.
This must be a Red Sox fan.
What's your opinion of the strike zone in Baltimore today?
Got to be a Sox fan because the Sox lost.
I don't know.
I watched most of it.
I didn't see anything wrong with the calls.
Might have been, you know, a little inconsistent.
What are you going to do?
Nick, are you ever going to come to St. Louis?
Yes, I am. nick are you ever going to come to st louis yes i am i left my jacket up on the top of that arch back in 1997 true story um i don't know dude i'll play a theater i don't want to do the
fucking funny bone or whatever and have to do 11 shows for the same money i can make going to new
jersey who do you think has the best chance of winning the stanley cup this year the fucking shows for the same money I can make going into Jersey.
Who do you think has the best chance of winning the Stanley cup this year?
Fucking Bruins.
They haven't lost in two months.
They're 15,
Oh,
and one in the last 16.
And I've seen every game,
whether it was DVR or whatever,
they are going to win the goddamn cup.
And it's a crying shame.
Here's James.
Nick,
why are you such a homo? I't know why don't you ask your uh dead
wow that was a good comeback huh
uh
has that thing on your balls cleared up i don't want to ask your sister
has her lip cleared up if it's cleared up on her lip it's cleared up uh on my balls okay steve
thomas nick what's it feel like when people like dennis miller honestly think you you are hilarious
you genuinely crack them well there's a lot of people famous people that happens who you know it's it's a nice
feeling but you know it's like okay i do what they do it's great when especially when you're
somebody that you like like dennis miller they had so much respect for you know i mean if a
gallagher too tells me he likes me then fuck yourself even though he's richer than i'll ever
be um but it's a great feeling you know ch. Chris Rock hiring me and stuff like that, you know.
Give you some credibility for guys like me who don't have, you know, a film or TV career.
You could have something.
I love this question.
I don't know if Hugh is being sarcastic or he's really, you know, new new to how the world works have you ever been interested in hosting snl like louis just did
now that's a guy either being really passive aggressive and funny or just from from fucking
to buke and not knowing how it works no i got no interest in hosting snl i'm happy sitting here in
my basement with a Mattel radio set.
I got no fucking... Who'd want to host
SNL? What's that gonna do for you?
I mean, they've asked me, Hugh, many
times, but I couldn't do it. I had
11.30 spot at the Comedy Cellar,
and the other time I had to take my wife
out. She had corns on her feet,
and, um...
Let's see.
A slightly political... This is from see. A slightly political.
This is from Ted.
A slightly political question.
Where is the best fried chicken in Boston?
Do you see how some people are funny MFers?
I don't know.
I say Dorchester.
Mattapan.
That's fucking funny.
I'll let you people figure out why that's so funny.
Why are you so unpopular with the Chicago Police Department?
It's none of your business.
Come on, Jack.
Why are you so unpopular? It's none of your business. Come on, Jack. Why are you so unpopular?
It's none of your business.
It's a rent, though.
All right.
He dropped, I can't remember the movie,
but you know what we're talking about, right?
Midnight Run.
And they found heroin.
I wouldn't go on the payroll,
and then one day they found heroin in my house.
So that's why unpopular with the Chicago Police the police great question all right that's enough of that
we'll save some for the next podcast all right kids that's it opening day 2014 uh the yanks open
tomorrow night have i covered everything that i do did i do both reads i think i did uh gigs uh this weekend right here in new york city friday saturday and sunday
come see me at caroline's comedy club got two shows friday two saturday one on sunday
i like it it's been around a long time good club and then uh uncle vinnie's on the 11th and 12th of this month caroline's is four five and
six uncle vinnie's point pleasant 11 and 12 and then improv in tempe arizona one of my rare trips
past cleveland i'll be doing uh the 25th 26th and 27th at the improv in Tempe.
It's where I shot the young comedian specials back in 1897. It really is a great club,
great club. And if you're young fellas go there because Arizona, I mean the chicks,
it's like mother of Jesus. Let her, let her who was in and out of the place.
Like mother of Jesus.
A lot of who was in and out of the place.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, so come out.
If you're in any of those areas, come out and see me.
I like to make bonus like I did this past weekend.
You know?
And what else?
I guess that's it.
You kids, you take care of yourself.
I'm hoping it's recorded.
I'm looking at my screen.
It's this thing that's supposed to be lit up isn't lit up.
I probably just talked for an hour for no goddamn reason.
How fucking funny is that?
Anyways, until next time, you know, floss, rinse your gums, and we'll see you. Good night until we meet again.
Adios, au revoir, I'll be your stay. guitar solo I'm out. Bye.