The Nick DiPaolo Show - 024 - RIP John Pinette

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Joe List returns.

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo, how are ya? Back on the fake air, I don't know when you listen to it But the podcast is doing well, thanks for the support You set record numbers for me last month They've increased every time I've done one of these Well, thanks for the support. You set record numbers for me last month. They've increased every time I've done one of these. So I figure by October, I'll be up to 1,200 people. Anyways, no, seriously, the numbers are fucking great.

And even Robert Ryakas is like, dude, you've only done like 19 of these. And you're breathing down, you know, who's neck? The Meyer Battaglia punk. No. Joey List. Joey List is in the house tonight. We have such a, you know, you're backed by popular demand, Joe. Oh, wow. That's exciting.

Positive feedback on Twitter all the time when you're on. Oh, that makes me feel good. I wore a Jill Stein t-shirt today, speaking of positive feedback. Tell the people who that is again, Jill Stein. Jill Stein came in fourth in the last presidential election due to one of my- Well, I came in fifth, so I ain't fucking saying much. I voted for her. She's a wonderful environmentalist and a sweet Jew broad.

So she's the one keeping business fucking flat in this country because we don't want to kill a caterpillar. Right? Douche. Anyway, no, I'm sure she has good points. Jew broad. Prejudice against Italians. I don't know. A Jew broad?

I tried to Google image her in the car, but then we yelled about something else. We went off on a tangent. Let me do my imitation of me talking to Jill after I watch one of her speeches. Don't ever go over my head again, you Jew motherfucker. You've been warned. Who the fuck do you think you are, Barrymore? By the way, folks, if you're not familiar with that, that's, you know, casino. It's Joe Pesci's characters.

I don't go, ooh, he was being anti-Semitic. What about... I'm quoting a movie. You ever hear David Spade's joke? Casino, Casinit. I liked it better when it was called Goodfellas. The fact that you took time to memorize that makes me wonder about your comedy ethics. I mean, I saw it when I was nine.

I remember everything. Oh, really? I'm like a movie Rain Man guy. Yeah, you are. Ask me what Nomar Garcia Parra hit in 1999. The last show who directed Backdraft, the sad part. Ron Howard. And you'd know.

Oh, all right. Well, bad, bad example. That movie's underrated. You're underrated as a fucking MC. I agree. I'm underrated. That's no question. Oh, you're already underrated?

I've been underrated for 25 years. Oh, my God. You just started doing comedy about two Yegos, in my opinion're already underrated? I've been underrated for 25 years. Oh, my God. You just started doing comedy about two years ago, in my opinion. I started comedy. You're not going to count the first eight years, are you? I started six months after you. I know. What?

I've been doing comedy since 2000. I understand that, but you've actually become a comedian since the last you quit drinking, which is about 18 months ago. Oh, thank you. Not even 15 months. How's that going? It's going great. Is it?

Yesterday was my second birthday in sobriety, and it felt great. All right, well. Birthdays are tough, you know. This is for you. This goes out for, because that Becca girl was putting you through hell when I met you, so every time I saw you, I thought of this song. Hey, Joe. Where you going with that?

With that Diet Pepsi in your hand, bitch Yeah I love this song Hey, Schmo I saw you at an open mic It's an improv Show list, everybody We had a birthday yesterday

Did you shoot back yet? Not yet Not yet. You hear that? She hasn't moved back yet. When's she coming back? July. July. Yeah, they ain't too cool. Joe List,

everybody. Alrighty. How about that Mitch Mitchell Cool. Joe List, everybody. All righty. How about that Mitch Mitchell on the drums? You're talking about underrated. Mitch Mitchell's a good drummer. He's the best ever. I put him up there with Peter Criss. Peter Criss sang Beth.

I know he did. I'll tell you that song. It's funny. I was banging a... This is not serious. Now, this was 1980, my freshman year. he did yeah i'll tell you that song it's funny i was banging a broad this is seriously now this was 1980 my freshman year and and beth was popular in what that song in 75 i think maybe it's five years later i hadn't heard it in like two years on the radio right i got a broad in my uh in my dorm room and her name's beth and she's smoking she actually did a few movies i'm not gonna mention

her but that song came on and closed the deal for me. Oh, wow. You would have thought I requested it, but they don't have radio up in Maine. But it piped in. Let me get this out of the way. Fantasy baseball fans. Joey, have you ever tried DraftKings.com?

This is one cool. What am I supposed to say? Absolutely. Of course I have. Are you kidding? Fantasy baseball fans. On opening day, DraftKings.com awarded over a half million dollars in cash prizes. A half million bucks in one day.

And there's way more to come, folks. You've got to check out DraftKings.com, America's favorite one-day fantasy sports site. Our listeners have won hundreds, thousands, even a million bucks with DraftKings. Just watching their favorite sport and playing some fantasy. Come on. A guy named favorite sport and playing some fantasy. Come on. A guy named Sam won $100,000. His first time ever playing. Seriously, it's 100 Gs, folks.

Day one. DraftKings is one day fantasy sports. That means no season-long commitments, no being stuck with players, just instant cashish every day. It's easy. Just pick a team in minutes, and any sports fan can do this. I mean, even Mets fans. Right now, you can play for free to win real cash.

Enter Nick today at DraftKings.com and get free entry into another huge contest. They're awarding over 400 grand in cash prizes. 400 Gs, folks. Free spots are going quick, so enter Nick now at DraftKings.com. That's DraftKings.com. Wow. Yeah, baby. You ever get into the

fantasy business? When I fantasize about sports, it usually involves an Oakland Raiders cheerleader peeing in my hair. That was a big thing. Is that a new story right now? The Oakland Raiders cheerleader? Yeah, what happened? She filed I'm just being in my hair. All right? That was a big thing. Is that a news story right now? The Oakland Raiders cheerleader? Yeah. What happened?

She's trying to get more. She filed the thing under the claim, the better business. I don't know. I don't follow the news. It's always like that. But they're not being treated fairly. They want more money, don't they? They get 75 bucks a game.

Yeah. Well, then maybe they should call the quarterback at Northwest and they can union you. Yeah. I don't get all that. Well, 75 bucks a game, that's pretty low. It's like spot pay. Please. And then they go out with, you know, the defensive end that night who blows 400 Gs on them.

Right. They have all kinds of, and they make calendars and stuff. But no, $75, is that what it is? It's a little low. Are they making sneakers for the team? They make $75. In a sweatshop? $75 a game.

They make some money by doing these radio shows or whatever appearances and calendars, but still 75 bucks. Why not 500? That's what we get at the Comedy Cellar on the weekend.

I know, for 15 minutes. They got to be out there for four hours and they get fired. It's like Casino with De Niro. If they lose weight, if they gain too much weight,

they get kicked off. They got to be the right weight. They got to dye their hair and all that shit. It's pretty brutal. $75 is peanuts. Well, first of all, that part, the chicks that go out to be cheerleaders, they don't show up like they're 205 with red hair and long tooth.

I mean, they can get real jobs. They take two dumps and they meet the weight limit. Right. Speaking of two dumps, I'm going to have to take a break in the middle of the show. I don't even know how to do that. You're going to have to hold that, baby. I'm not going to pause this thing. We're rolling.

Really? You got a dump? No, I had a couple slices of pizza. Okay. Does that translate into? Yesterday was my birthday. I had a salad. I had cookies.

What are you, a Play-Doh machine? Pizza. I ate like a nine-year-old yesterday. You haven't gone since yesterday? How do we? How is this? I've had you on three times. Eight minutes into the show, we start talking about your uh digestive tract i need answers i got no insurance what we need is

a president will who have the guts to get a plan in that everyone gets health care that would be nice i know oh it already happened it did yeah that 7.1 million i looked into that six million of those people already had insurance they would just moved out and moved into the fucking... Oh, my God. He's just manipulating the numbers. Anyways. JillStein.org. All right.

Jill Stein. I'll go with her. Yeah. Over this guy. She's pretty good. You know? Jill Stein? Jill Stein, yeah.

See, look at it. The color of courage is green. JillStein.org. I'd rather her than, you know, they're already swearing in Hillary. I don't know where she's going to find time to be the president. You know she's the strength and conditioning coach for the Chicago Bears, right? What, she's not? Oh, boy.

What else, Joe? Talk. Come on. You're an entertainer. Oh, I don't know. Let's talk about, I don't know. Look, I'm from Boston. Joey's from Boston. You're an entertainer. Oh, I don't know. Let's talk about, I don't know. Look, I'm from Boston. Joey's from Boston.

A little sad story yesterday. I'm on my way to Caroline's Comedy Club to do my 7.30 show, and I get a call from a comedian friend of mine in Boston, and he says, John Panette's dead. And Johnny Panette, I started with Johnny. Right. He started probably six months ahead of me, maybe eight months ahead of me. Right. And he took off like a rocket in Boston.

He was selling out like shows at Nick's. Right. Big, lovable guy. And they found him dead in his hotel room in Pittsburgh. And I read the hotel name and I stayed there many times. Wow. It's just, is that where I'm going to go? Is that where we're all going to?

Well, he's 50, so you already got him beat. He's 50 and just a sweetheart of a guy. Folks, I know you know who he is. He, again, Seinfeld, the last episode, he was the fat guy getting mugged in the car. The most watched episode of television history. That was the most watched? More than Super Bowls? As far as episodic TV?

Is it still? That didn't beat MASH did it that beat MASH for sure are you sure about that Joe because I was just

talking to Larry David yesterday I'm like 70% sure I'm gonna I don't know I'm gonna disagree well there was way more people on the

in the country it beat the last F trope and Gilligan Gilligan little buddy boop but yeah that's the guy you guys know him and he was a sweetheart of a guy Seth Troop and Gilligan. Gilligan little buddy. Boop! But yeah, that's the guy.

You guys know him. And he was a sweetheart of a guy. And I'll play one of his classic bits and you'll know exactly who he is. He was an obese guy who, he got a stomach staple later on in life. Right. But he had a ton of fat jokes, which usually you can get bored with,

but he was a good writer. And he was very funny And his most signature bit was about Chinese Chinese food The buffet Yeah the buffet You'd be here for an hour Yeah do the bit before I play this

I went to this Chinese all you can eat buffet And while the owner he got pissed I mean he was rude though He'd come out every hour son of a bitch still here He go again. He started screaming at me. You go now.

You here for hour. Why you here for hour? You not come here anymore. Why you have spare rib? You're so big. Eat vegetable. Eat broccoli. You'll scare my wife. He was a sweetheart of a fella. Is that real? That clip? That laugh sounds insane. Sounds like a wave of a fella. Is that real, that clip?

That laugh sounds insane. Sounds like a wave. Yeah, it's a big theater. Jesus. He played, he was a good draw, you know? Right. It sounds like a fucking sound effect. I know.

It's crazy. No, he would murder. Look, I had to go on after him at Nick's a few times. Yeah. You know what I mean? He was the headline, but sometimes he'd be doing another spot and run in. Right. And, you know, half the time he would get like a standing ovation.

Yeah. He'd been in the business about a year, and the fellas that run Nick's were kind of a tough gang of boys, if you know what I'm saying. And they got their hooks into him, I guess, career-wise, like early. Yeah. He was like under wraps to only play Nick's in Boston. Oh, wow. And then they were flying him out to Vegas.

And that was the rumor in town that somebody had a piece of him. Wow. He was like a fighter. Huh? under wraps to only play Knicks in Boston. Oh, wow. And then they were flying him out to Vegas. That was the rumor in town that somebody had a piece of him. Wow, he was a fighter. Huh? He was like a fighter. Yeah. For the mob takes. No, exactly. Wow.

Or showbiz, you know, Sinatra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was, yeah, I remember, I told the story last week. I'm on stage in Tampa. I don't know if you I stuck you stuck your head in I was talking about you know every time I go to Florida

to do comedy every time I go to Florida I think of cocaine and drugs you know it's always it's a crazy you see them on

cops every episode and I brought up I'd only done drugs once before I went on stage Panette gave me coke yeah right before I went on

at Nick's one night and this is like years after saying no because that place was like a that place was like a a crack house with a stage and lights right and uh panette talked me into it and i did a couple bumps in the green room and i go on i'm up on stage and my upper lip kept getting stuck on my teeth i would you know i cotton mouth two minutes into it i'm like this is horrible i'm talking way too fast my timing's off and all of a sudden when i get done

telling a joke some guy goes hey relax up there and i'm like what the fuck's he talking i had my hand in my pocket i was jingling my car keys like at 100 miles an hour similar thing happened to me the other day lenny marcus gave me a bag of m&ms right before I went on. The sugar? And that was just wired. I could barely. Lenny Marcus. He's a funny guy, Lenny. Lenny's very funny. He is funny.

Yeah, sweet guy. He works for the Giants. He's like a statistician. He's at the Super Bowl. Oh, I thought he was a cheerleader. Really? Yeah. He knows everything about sports. I know.

He's great with the sports. Those Jews and their sports. Oh, come on. think about i know he's great with the sports those those jews and their sports oh come on the uh yeah so rest in peace uh johnny boy he uh i went out to la once he was already out there i don't know why you know i'm three years into the business i thought la here i come i fly out there and i was staying at this girl i knew from college she had a place out there but she wasn't gonna be there for the first day until i needed a place to stay and panette was staying at this girl I knew from college. She had a place out there, but she wasn't going to be there for the first day until I needed a place to stay. Panette was staying at a hotel.

He'd just gotten some TV deal already. He goes, yeah, come by. It's right on Sunset Strip, the shitty motel. He's laying on the bed. I come in. He's smoking a joint. He smokes a joint, and then he orders $140 with room service. The guy delivers it.

They were rolling in carts and bags and shit for like eight minutes. And I'd say out of the $140, he ate 130 of it. I had 10. Wow. And he just, but he was so just, he was laughing, giggling, because he just smoked a joint. You know what I mean? He's got like French fries on his chest.

Right. I'm eating this giant sandwich. I couldn't even hold it with two hand and we were just he was just i had nowhere to be and he was just so nice to me yeah shit that we had meetings later on that day and and right that's what i've heard everyone says like the nicest guy ever it's and and you know look it's sad it's not unexpected he always had health problem and then later on i heard you know when i read in the paper today or whatever, he had liver and heart problems. Yeah. And he had a stomach staple at one point.

I think I read, too, I heard that he had his stomach stapled, but then he just kept eating like that, which you're not supposed to do. You're supposed to, like, change the baby. No, yeah, you can break the staple. Yeah, I think that's what happened. He was, like, internally bleeding. And then he went to, like, rehab recently. That was out recently. Yes, he put himself in rehab a few months ago.

Yeah, bad. I wonder if the body couldn't, sometimes when you quit that stuff, the body shuts down. Anyways, he was a good guy, and here's the other creepy thing, not to prolong this. I was doing a show back in the night.

Remember the TV show, Caroline's Comedy Hour? Yeah, of course. I'll be at Caroline's tonight, as a matter of fact. All right, Joey. No, good. That's way to piggyback the death of a friend of us. No. So I was about to go on to do that show, Caroline's Comedy Hour,

and the manager comes up to me and goes, Bill Hicks just died. Right before I'm going to go on. Right. I'm waiting in the wings, and I went up there. I was in my own head for the first two minutes of the show. But I was at Caroline's is the point. Mitch Hedberg.

I see him at Caroline's at the bar one night. We start talking a little bit. We knew each other a little bit from L.A. Right. Not even a week later, he dies. I'm in the green room. Artie Lang texts me when Gandolfini dies. Yeah.

And then I'm on my way last night. I'm on my way to Caroline's. Same thing. What? Right. And when Michael Jackson died, we Yeah. And then I went away last night. I went away to Caroline's. Same thing. What? Right. And when Michael Jackson died, we were in Florida then, too. We were in Orlando. What's that got to do with Caroline?

No, just death. We were talking about death, getting death news before a show. No, I was talking about all being at Caroline's. Oh, I wasn't following. I thought it was about shows. You didn't pick up on that? No, I didn't. I mentioned Caroline's in every death

I didn't I was thinking just death and comedy I'm the worst And then you go I'm going what Does Caroline's ever roam in Florida? I don't know about No

Yeah or land We were at Belly Busters When Michael Jackson died That's right That might be the funniest thing I've ever said by accident And I Say that again Joe

Remember that Belly Busters club We were there the last We were the last comics ever To perform at Belly Busters club? We were there the last... We were the last comics ever to perform Belly Busters in Winter Park, Florida. Wait a minute. I think you're confusing deaths. That's when Billy Mays died. No, no.

That was Michael Jackson for sure. I was in... Remember I took a picture... Are you sure? Because we were at... The guy didn't put us up at the hotel. It was like a cheap hotel. So I stayed at this other hotel.

And I walked around in socks. And I sent you a picture. The bottom of my socks were like black from walking in this hotel room that's rick martin was down there that crazy guy but but but remember i killed billy mays when i said yeah but that wasn't florida that was somewhere else no no that was florida maybe that happened we gotta google it somebody look it up they died close to each i think maybe that was the same time wise maybe he died like the day after you're right

we were definitely in Florida I know I was in Florida Michael Jackson died but I didn't think it was belly busters I thought Billy Mays are you sure yes I'm 100% sure

we can look it up on our books because I remember walking up the highway getting the text from my girlfriend at the time look it up in the books

what did you draw a sad face with Michael Jackson I drew a little hat and a kid do you remember me I thought it it was belly but i was on stage in florida and i brought up i had a bit about billy mays getting blood out of stuff and i go that's because he's a coke and his nose drips right and he's how to get stains out of anything and i go when's that guy gonna die how annoying is he and then i the next day i get home from florida i'm watching i meet the press

i'm in my recliner right and i get a text from Joe hey you killed Billy Billy Mace I'm like what are you talking about he's gone and he's gone he's gone there's nothing we can do about it and you know I pushed over the pay phone right yeah crazy that that club also this kid these kids who came to the show at belly busters first of all that club a guy picked me up he was like an iraq vet he just got back from iraq oh that heavy drinking guy yeah he picked me up he picked me up at the airport supposed to take me to the hotel room yeah he takes me to the club first he's like we're gonna stop off at the club yeah he did that crazy like you know thousand yards there and he's like fresh back from iraq like eight minutes ago and he's like we gotta stop at the club the club and's like, you like to drink?

And I was like, I love to drink. And he gave me a glass of Jagermeister. And he had one. And this was when you were pounding them. Yeah. We each had like a 16-ounce glass of Jagermeister. We drank like three of them. I ended up being at the club for like five hours with my luggage, just shit-faced.

And then he's like blackout drunk. He drives me to the hotel finally. Best set you ever did, by the way. That club's a real P.U. But that guy, I hope that guy's doing all right. I hope he's alive, that guy. He was a vet, right? But a young kid.

He was like 25, and he was just drinking like Jaeger all weekend. He was crazy. I remember that. And that belly busters, folks, this is the type of business we're in. Literally, fucking the door hit us in the ass and they put the close sign on it. And these two kids that have become fans, the kid Ben, he's a fan of mine, fan of yours. He was there and that night, Saturday night, after we left, the manager was like, yeah, we're closing. And they started taking all the bottles out of the fridge and just whipping them off the wall.

He's like, it was the most surreal experience of his life two like customers and the staff were just whipping beer bottles and glasses off the walls and shit and by the way the guy that booked me this guy rick m we'll call him um he he booked me into it and he said uh this guy's a little shaky. I don't know. And I said, I'll do it anyways. And sure enough, the place closes an hour after. I swear to God. And I find that out the next day. And luckily, Rick M. paid me out of his own account. Right. Because this guy had no intentions on paying me.

Right. And he had screwed somebody over. I guess he was notorious down there for it yeah yeah but thanks you know this guy rick yeah i bet rick is listening huh i bet rick is listening that's what scares me he'll drive up here from florida tonight so i go um nice guy no he's a great guy yeah right we have fun with rick and i are looking at each other right now huh no he's terrific he's great he's fun we went out i think I hooked up with like a real old woman that weekend. Yeah, you did.

Yeah. Do you remember that? Yes. It was like an old fat woman. You woke up and her teeth, her false teeth were on the bureau next to you. Remember? I think I hooked up with like a 58-year-old woman

who was like 400 pounds. Joe woke up and there was a pair of false teeth on the dress and next to him with his pubes in the teeth. How creepy is that? Did you pick up a how old? Yes. We were at the bar. You were like 20 at the time.

No, she was old. She was like in her 50s and she had gray hair and was like, you know, not, older than 50s. Whatever is older than you are. She was old. Older? She was older? She was in her 50s? I did that when I was, I told you when I was 25.

Yeah, but yours probably looked like a hot older woman. She played tennis. She had nice legs, but told you when I was 25. Yeah, but yours probably looked like a hot older woman. She played tennis. She had nice legs, but I couldn't get it up. Really? Well, yeah, because I, you know, I was banging 17 between 17 and 22 at that point. And then I get a 57-year-old. Right.

You got to have, you know, something more than a tight stomach for me to get high. But she was terrific, the gal. Yeah. My prick was like a pastry bag. It was three quarters hard. I was like, ah, you're ugly. I went to give her a pearl necklace and realized she already had one. Oh, you're banging Barbara Bush?

I just made that up. That was pretty good. That was good, Joe. Jillstein.org. You're the son of a good comic when you point out your jokes. I know. I get flack from it sometimes from the fans. Yeah, you're past that. You've got to quit doing that.

Well, I like doing it. What did you do on your birthday yesterday? And how old are you? 32, which is how old Hicks was when he died. Oh, good for you. I think. And again, at Caroline's. And you're going to be there tonight.

I'd watch out. Yeah, this could be it. I've got to start taking down the system first. What did you do on your birthday? Oh, big day, buddy. That was yesterday. Big day. Woke up, went to Lombardi's down in Soho there.

Great. On Spring Street. Pizza. Yeah, highly recommend it. The first coal oven. The first pizza. Do you realize the first pizza place in the United States? Is that right?

That's the acclaim to fame. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's the best. It's really great. I went there with a bunch of comics. You didn't know that? Mr. History?

You know everything about it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. You didn't know that? Mr. History? You know everything about Anstine shoes. I forgot. Jill Stein.

Anstine. Anstine. Who the fuck's Anstine? Jillstein's shoes. We went to Lombardi's. We had pizza. It was a great, great fun. We're all shitting on each other the whole thing.

It's wacky, wild fun. Then I went to this place, Cookies and Milk, in the West Village. They sell cookies. They shut that guy down. What? That's the guy that invented the shot, right? It's a cookie with milk in it? I don't know.

What do you mean? It's a cookie joint. I don't know. I might be thinking of a different guy. This is like some hipster cookie place. Well, there was a place down there. This guy just got shut down. His name is Dominic something.

He invented this. It's a shot it's a cookie like a shot glass yeah with um with like milk chocolate on the inside so that you can pour and he'd pour a shot of milk into you oh you do the shot of it was actually creamy put in there and then you eat the cookie wow that sounds amazing but they found a bunch of rodents running around his joint a couple days ago that must not have been the same place no they found a bunch of rodents running around his joint a couple days ago. That must not have been the same place. No. They found out the cream was cum, and they had to... No, this is a different place.

It's called Milk and Cookies, or Cookies and Milk. Milk and Cookies, I think. Milk and Cookies. And they just sell chocolate chip cookies and milk. Well, they sell all kinds of cookies. You went nuts. You got a hangover? A little bit.

Then we went to Books and Bar. Bars and Books, also in the West Village, which is like a little... You buy scotch, and Bar. Bars and Books, also in the West Village, which is like a little, you buy scotch and they got cigars and they got little like Russian girls that wear mini skirts

and serve you. They light your cigar for you. It's a classy joint. Where do the books come in? It's like a library. It's from Prague. It was started there. So you get,

you're reading a book while you're drinking booze? You don't actually read a book. Oh, you don't? No, I can't read or drink. There's books. It's like a library. It looks like a library, but that's just for looks.

It's just for the, what's that word? The French type word? Aesthetics? Aesthetics, yeah. That's French, right? Is that French? What's the other one? Put it up there for...

What the hell's going on out here? I don't know. Anyways, but... Oh, the ambiance? Ambiance. That's French. Fuck yeah. Is that French's going on out here? I don't know. Anyways, but... Oh, the ambiance? Ambiance. That's French. Fuck yeah. Is that French too?

It sounds French. I don't know. Anyways, we got French onion dip and we smoked some cigars. Ooh, milk and cookies with onion dip? What kind of dump are you going to take? I threw in the onion dip. Then I went to the cellar. I went over to the comedy cellar.

Best club in the world. I mean, there's nothing close to it. I didn't hear you saying that when you weren't getting in there. Of course I thought it was the best club. No, you love it. It was the best club then, too. It is. It's no doubt.

There's no doubt. Me and my buddy Greg Stone and Jason Cantor and Sarah, my girlfriend, we all went to eat there, and then they brought us a dessert, and they paid for all the meals and the beer, which was nice. So they picked it up. And then I had the set of my life. William Stevenson introduced me. Not for nothing, but this is the fourth set of your life you've had in two months.

I tend to speak in hyperbole, and maybe I keep getting better. Couldn't it be? Great set. Fucking hot crowd. I'm never on the early show over there. I was on the early show. Then I went to Stand Up New York. I saw you.

Party upstairs at Stand Up Labs. And in my podcast studio, Tuesdays with Stories. Check it out. It's a great podcast. Wow, you did a lot for your birthday. Yeah, it was like Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I had a few memorable birthdays. My 16th birthday, my grandmother, who lived next door and would make killer pizza,

when we were talking about earlier. But, you know, she makes it the size of a cookie tray, the square. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Of course. And it was thick, almost Sicilian style. Yeah. My brother said, I was bragging, I said, I could finish that myself.

Yeah. So he challenged me., I was bragging, I said, I could finish that myself. Yeah. So he challenged me. So I ate a whole picture. I'm talking Sicilian slices. What are they, two inches thick? Right. A cookie sheet.

I ate the whole thing. Cut to me, my birthday's on January 31st. I'm sitting outside on the porch. It's 11 degrees. I got no shirt on. I'm sweating, and I'm pasty white.

I'm sick to my stomach. And my brother's looking out the window of the curtain laughing. Oh, that's funny. Had no shirt on. It's like 11 degrees. I was so nauseous. Right. Oh. And how about UMaine?

That was my favorite birthday. I was up at UMaine living off campus. I was in love with this girl, Tracy. Oh, I've heard about Tracy before. Yeah. rich chick from marblehead and uh hadn't even gone on a date with her but but somebody told me oh she she wants to meet you and then uh she told me where she lived and shit or her friend did laurie this girl from my hometown anyways uh i get done class about two o'clock there's a vicious storm coming even for main

standards yeah i mean a vicious nor'easter i on the way home i walked home from campus to my apartment off campus i pick up a case of beer for myself bush cans oh boy and i sit in i sit in a beanbag chair starting at two o'clock my roommate comes. I'm in the beanbag chair, and there's about a six-pack left. I had about 18 in. And I go, no, it's probably like 9 o'clock. And by this time, you can't even see outside. The snow's blowing sideways. I go, I'm going to fucking see Tracy.

He's just laughing. Instead of talking me out of it, he's helping with my coat on because he's like a real friend. And I thought she lived like just on the other side of it. He's helping with my code on because he's like a real friend. Right. And I thought she lived like just on the other side of campus. Turns out she lived like, it took me, you know,

I lived about two miles from campus and she was two miles from the other side of campus. So it was about a four mile walk. Right. I've been walking for about an hour now. See, no human life out there. It's just,

not even the plows have come out yet. I'm just picturing Luke Skywalker in the second Star Wars there. Yeah, I didn't see the first or the second. I used to like pussy as a kid. I was weird like that. You saw the third. What are you talking about? I know, it's a great movie. You know the one in the snow? I'm not saying it's a great movie. I'm saying I saw it. There's snow in a

Star Wars movie? Yes, Hoth, the ice planet. Where did they film it? Sarah Palin's house? What do you mean? Really? I don't know where they filmed it. What am I fucking? No, I didn't know. I thought it was a science fiction, you know, space story. Yes, there was a snow planet. Don't you know this?

I didn't know. Like I said, I like baseball and girls as a kid. I like baseball and girls, too. You play baseball like a girl. Jerked off three times yesterday. Thinking about girls. I didn't know that. Yes, there's a whole planet.

It's Hoth, the ice snow planet it's it's hoth the ice snow planet and he's walking through the snow oh you're talking about frozen i'm thinking of fire anyway can i get back to my story you got the comedic instincts of a fucking go well if you've seen fucking empire strikes back you would have thought that was something which i didn't i was hoping you'd pick up on i uh but anyways i i joe i'm walking for like honestly got an hour and a half and i see a bank right and and and i see the snow is like virgin snow behind the bank is that a snow bank no no it wasn't oh my god it's like working with william shatner tonight holy shit welcome to pun night no it was a regular bank i guess i should clarify it was a regular bank. I guess I should clarify. It was a regular bank. And the snow was like that virgin snow behind it. And I said, instead of staying on the road, I can cut behind this bank and save myself about three seconds.

I walk about 10 yards. I fall in up to my chest. I'm not shitting. I thought I was going to die there. I'm waving my arms, you know. I don't even have gloves on. Okay? My buddy's even.

No, I put my hands in my pocket i'm fine now i'm up to my chest at a bank behind a bank and plows are going by now and they're like a mile away i'm trying to wave i actually get panicked for a minute right but i but i get out of there and i'm soaked now and i finally get there i get to a payphone that's how long ago the story was i'm wearing a leather helmet no there's a so there's a pay phone across from her apartment building and i call her and i go look outside she i'm in the fucking pay phone phone booth soaking wet and uh which was kind of crazy because she had like she had like a psycho boyfriend um but he was gone for the weekend so So I go in, and she gives me a ride home. Immediately?

I can't even remember. I think we made grilled cheese. I can't remember. She tried to feed me something, and then she took me home. And even in her car, it was like it took forever to get to my apartment. It was so bad. That was one of my favorite birthdays ever, getting blue balls. Wow.

Yeah, and then I got fired from Rooster Teeth Feathers on one of my favorite birthdays ever getting blue balls wow yeah and then i got fired from roostertea feathers on one of my birthdays that's a club it's an a club you might want to do it that's a company san leandro california yeah rooster still alive i believe it is i i might be wrong roostertea feathers was in the greatest san francisco area it was part of the competition wow that sounds hilarious but i got booked up there. I think I told this story before. I didn't know there was a no smoking ordinance, and it was my birthday. And I had smoked a cigarette on stage, wasn't sure, and they took me outside. The wife said, you can't do that. You're going to get in some trouble.

But, but, but, I have a few drinks in me. Second show starts, and I'm craving a cigarette. And there was a cop in the audience. I go, are you going to arrest me if I light up? And like three people threw cigarettes on stage. Yeah. So I lit one up and then I come off. The show's over.

The husband's waiting for me and the wife. Yeah. And then they go follow us. And they bring me outside like my parents. And the guy goes, I want you to apologize to my wife. Then I want you to tell me why. Oh, wow. That's amazing. And I went uh how about just give me my fucking check and then we started arguing picture this now he goes fine we go back on the club and we're arguing and the weight weight staff's like cleaning up as we're yelling at him it was very

awkward wow but this is what makes it even more awkward so they can me right who shows up like 10 minutes after that I answer my wife with her bags she was coming up for the weekend we were going to make a weekend of it I go I just got fired so I think we stayed at a hotel that night went back the next morning

only time I ever get canned again that's you know until that night. Went back the next morning. Only time I ever get canned. Wow. Again. That's, you know, I don't think if I had alcohol in me, I wouldn't have been that much of a dick about it. Right. But I still think,

come on, what's it? It's like Nazi Germany. Rooster tea feathers. I'll look into that. Maybe I can. Good club. I'll talk to my agent.

And they weren't bad people. I was probably in the wrong there, but the fact that you can't have a cigarette But so typical In Northern California Politically correct Self-righteous

Fucking slugs Actually that was my favorite Gig though Right The punchline San Francisco I love it up there You ever do the Sacramento punchline?

Many times Yeah wonderful Many times I told you That's when I had to get Escorted back to the hotel Oh yeah that's right Remember? That incident looking back on it uh it brought out bad uh and then oh there's one more birthday story andy and me were in san francisco yeah uh i think i was playing the

punchline and she took me to some restaurant and the waiter it was like a diner and the am i boring you i'm sorry and the uh i had a big day i said i love cookies milk i know just fucking don't yawn into the mic i tried to mask it behind the mic yeah i could see you the uh um so i'm in there uh and the waiters and waitresses started saying happy birthday i mean it was so fucking embarrassing i yelled at andy and turned to ruin the ruin the birthday sometimes yawning doesn't always mean that someone's bored. It means they could be tired. I was enjoying the stories very much.

Yawning? Yeah. I know. Just don't do it into the mic. It was an audible. Want me to play it back for you? I would love for you to play it back. I actually got hit with some spray when you were young.

Yeah. Busting your chops. What the hell else, Joey? Have you talked about Tampa yet? I mean, it was an exciting weekend. Yeah. Oh, you already had that? Yeah.

That was last week. Yeah, yeah. If you were here, you would have known. You could have joined in and made it tremendous. Joey Kildon. And the owner, I told you, the owner loves Joey. And he's probably going to bring you back for a week sometime. Bobby Jewell?

Yeah. I love Bobby Jewell. Yeah. He likes you too, he told me. Oh, boy, that makes me feel good. I said, give him a week sometime. Bobby Jewell? Yeah. I love Bobby Jewell. Yeah. He likes you too. He told me. Oh, boy. That makes me feel good. I said, give him a, you know, let him do 25.

How about that Leslie? Who, the bartender? Yeah. Yeah. She's a real looker. She's something else, huh? Sweet gal, too. Well, while I'm down there, I get a text from, I know, she's very nice and polite.

Super nice. I know. Super nice. Yeah. I get a text from Florentine while I'm down there. Hey, how about that Leslie bartender girl? He goes,

oh, in the text it says, I'd leave my family for her. That's what he puts. Here's a comedian for you. Yeah. Oh, Joe, you're a big night tonight, no? You're like me

with College Hoops, National Championship tonight. Oh, I love the College Hoops. Yeah, no? You're like me with College Hoops, National Championship tonight. Oh, I love the College Hoops. Yeah, yeah. So I had a fucking gig in Hartford Saturday night for the championship game. I get City Steam written down here. Tell us about that gig. Oh, boy.

Joey was closing. It was a wild one. Headlining, City Steam. Every once in a while, a headline. Once every three years. It's exciting. I did Live at Gotham nine years ago. It was pretty big

uh so anyways i did city steam in hartford and uh the team they make it to the final four city steam have you ever been there great bar brewery it's like a classic old bar and restaurant it's like a great bar and uh upstairs they have like this huge fucking like like a tugboat horn i know like it's like a deafening horn. Right. From an actual tugboat. Yeah, when someone leaves a big tip. Is that what it's for?

Yeah, someone tips like 30%. I thought it was if somebody came in a tugboat. No, it's a big horn. So everyone's upstairs watching the game. It's like thin walls and ceiling. I'm on stage, and every eight minutes of my set, you just hear boop. And the whole place explodes. And then there's like a party of like 60 people, like a birthday party,

who obviously booked the date before they knew UConn was going to be in the finals. So every time I look over there, 60 people. So UConn was playing that day. During the show. They played the 6-0-9 game. Oh, my God. And it's a 7 o'clock show. So my whole set, when I walked on stage,

there were four minutes into the second half. So the entire second half of the game happens while I'm on stage. Half the guys are upstairs watching it. Then half the audience is on their phones. Literally half of them are on their phones. And then a tugboat horn goes off every four minutes in the middle of the punchlines and shit. Also at that club, there's no wall behind you.

It's just a curtain, and that's where they put all the dishwashers are. So every couple minutes, someone drops like 50 forks into a linoleum bowl. It's fucking insane. It's like the ultimate test of will. I did it. It wasn't. Well, I wasn't there on a Connecticut basketball game, so I guess I was lucky. They had me up there for some festival one night, and it was actually good,

but I can see where it would be hellacious. It can be good. It's been good before. Friday night was great. Saturday night, UConn's playing, and then the late show, everyone had watched the game. They'd been out drinking all night or whatever, and it was light, and they were tired.

So how do you handle that? See, I would have to. Yeah, I was picturing it in my mind a horn going off like a time you know people do what would jesus do i was doing what would nick do and then trying to do it was hard because i'm trying to address the basketball because i'm interested in the basketball i'd rather be watching the basketball game right so i was trying to get find out about it and make jokes about it but then the other half of the room obviously doesn't give a fuck about the basketball game that's why they're there so you're trying to sort of the gay half you was trying to find out about it and make jokes about it. But then the other half of the room obviously doesn't give a fuck about the basketball game. That's why they're there.

So you're trying to sort of... That's the gay half. You're trying to fucking, you know, play both sides. And then the horn would go off. I'd just riff on it. But you start running out of riffs the fourth time the horn goes off. Yeah. And then finally they win.

So I'm like, they won. Everybody, woo. And they clap. And then like 25 guys come downstairs and join the groups. Who have drinking yes the game and now they want to just join in the show like nothing happened so they're just sitting there like what's this about i'm like i'm four minutes into a bit already what the fuck and then they're looking at me like i'm an asshole so it was a whole thing but it was fine you know well it's good i'm grateful for any amount of work so carolines again i was at at Carolines. Most of it was good, but there's just, I don't know.

It's just, I don't like the way it's set up. The people are crammed right against this. There's no need for it. I'm standing on that stage, and literally the people in the front row, their face are, what, eight inches from my kneecaps. I'm not kidding you. And you can hear them ordering. It's not their fault.

It's not the waitstaff's fault either. But all I ask is, I'm not even up there five minutes, Joe, and all three front tables, all the waiters come up to the front to take the orders all at once. You can't let me get my shit established for five minutes. I mean, it's like, so I'm trying to talk over them. And they're trying to yell over me. I got a microphone to get their, I mean, it's like, so I'm trying to talk over them. Yeah. And they're trying to yell over me. I got a microphone to get their, I mean, it's just, and there's a guy there, second show

Friday night, which is always the worst, notorious anywhere. Yeah, of course. But he's got like a ZZ Top beard and dark sunglasses on. Right. And he's already heckling Megan Hanley, who was opening for me. Right. I heard about it. sunglasses on right and he's already heckling uh megan hanley who was opening for me right i heard about it somebody told me as i'm coming out right and and they already told and i'm up there two minutes he starts yelling shit huh yeah and anyone with glasses is just trying to draw our attention

to themselves anyways that's what i thought i know some people have prescription right they get dark i guess but it didn't look like that they look like actual sunglasses right but he had a gray beard and he starts fucking yelling shout at me right and i just went hey motherfucker i'm not a chick i've been doing this 27 years i'll fucking light your beard on fire we'll all get high in here you know and and people are laughing and you don't want to even encourage it right and then people start roaring at that and uh and then he they came over told him to be quiet when I was up there. And I'm just trying to be patient. And then there's four guys in their 20s sitting right at the foot of the, you know, right at my feet,

ordering drinks like they're at a bachelor party and, you know, not realizing they're being allowed. It was like being at a road gig in Tennessee or something. It's hard. A lot of times when you're times Especially when you're headlining You're like a chaperone You gotta try to keep everyone It's so long no one has the attention spans And then of course checks are fucking insane

Especially on the road Checks are completely unnecessary City Steam they have a 7 o'clock show and a 10 o'clock show There's an hour and a half between shows So there's no need to drop checks And then the second one It's a 10 o'clock show. There's an hour and a half between shows, so there's no need to drop checks. And then the second one, there's no, it's a 10 o'clock show. Why do you have to drop checks on a 10 o'clock show?

It's crazy. And the restaurant itself is open for another three hours, so it's not like they need to close quickly. You're absolutely, I had this discussion on stage at one point, Friday night. I said, I said to the crowd, in about 10 minutes, I'm going to hand out your bill. When I'm doing my best material.

Right. You're going to have your heads down, not even listening. I'm doing, you know, I'm doing like the dirtiest part of the part that usually kills. Yeah. And they, it's barely working. Yeah. Everybody has their heads now. Yeah.

And I said, look, I know this is how comedy clubs do it But they didn't do it In Boston Right Knicks didn't do it During the show The seller never Drops checks either Okay alright The seller doesn't

Some places that don't But I'm talking A big room Right But you don't have to Call Knicks The guy that owned Knicks in the 80s

And how did you do it Right I mean it can be done Of course yeah I mean And not It's not just us talking. It's everybody who's ever closed a show.

It's really a disrespect for what you do for a living. Yeah, Judah Friedlander tried to start a petition thing. I heard that. What happened to him? I don't know. I haven't talked to him. He's always thinking outside the box, that guy. Yes, he is.

Good guy. Yeah. And a great joke writer. What was I going to say? Oh, and then this is another thing. It's not just checks. It's last call. Nobody ever talks about last call.

That's also a problem. Because the waiters come out and you hear them going, it's last call. And then everyone discusses last call. If you want to, people go, do you want another drink? They go, yeah, yeah. Last call, it's a decision. So you hear people going, do we want another one?

Do you want another one? He wants another one, but I don't want another one. We'll take another bucket. Give us a bucket of beer. Right. And so you lose them for last call. And then you get them back for about four minutes, and then they drop the checks. No, it is.

And it's chaperoning. It's crazy. I'm up there, and I really got frustrated. I go, really? Could you make this any more fucking difficult? Right. As if walking into a room full of strangers and making them laugh for an hour is not... Now you're not only dealing with that, you're dealing with cell phones.

So I guess it's accepted now. People can use their cell phones. I mean, they can text and shit. Nobody walks around and says, shut that off. I told this woman who was being obnoxiously loud in the back. She's with two other women. They were being good, the two other women she was with. I saw her before the show. It wasn't even... It was one of those mini

iPads. So you can look at it as a small iPad or a giant cell phone. Then all three of them had them going as Megan Hanley's being introduced. And nobody's saying anything. I did the same thing at CitySteam. I counted, and we were talking about this last night, you and I. But I think people sort of put it on this young generation of people with their phones. This was all middle-aged people in their 40s and 50s.

And I looked up every single person i counted 12 phones i go one two three four five six 12 all the way up all lit up just illuminated then there's like a 50 year old woman where it she was just scrolling just reading for 20 literally 20 minutes into my act and i go usually i try not to bother because i'm like i'm addicted to my phone you're looking at your phone as long as you're quiet i don't give a shit right but 20 minutes i'm like, I'm addicted to my phone. You're looking at your phone. As long as you're quiet, I don't give a shit. Right. But 20 minutes, I'm like, hey, all right. You're obnoxious.

What the fuck are you? Now I'm just curious. What are you doing here? Why are you here? And they get angry at you. Yeah, she's looking at me. This woman was like this, like goofy, like, you got me? I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing. And you're like, you're fucking, you're the worst. You're rude. It's no attention span. Really, you're an adult.'re rude it's no attention span you really you're an adult you're grown adult you can't sit and listen for an hour and a half right undivided attention seriously we're an immature nation man i mean uh you know started with my generation generation jergo uh but uh yeah but i don't see anybody policing the room yeah they need to do that you know and i and now last night i was at caroline's which i love when it's a smaller crowd But I don't see anybody policing the room. Yeah, they need to do that. You know? And now last night I was at Caroline's, which I love when it's a smaller crowd.

Right. About 80 people or whatever. And I was up there for an hour and 10 minutes. I could have stayed up there for two hours. It's funny. I sounded like you. Saturday, late show. Well, you're like, I'm praying for a small crowd.

I hope it's light. Isn't it? And there was like 70 people. And did you have a good time? I did, but they got really tired at the end. Who did? They did or you did? They did. Well, city steam also has 50 minutes before you go on they have the mc does 20 in the middle there's 30 you can i guess you can't i got no power well you will yeah a couple more of these appearances i just have i had megan do 20 minutes in front of me

yeah i mean 25 and uh there's no need for an m, a middle, and it's... If I don't feel like working and I don't want to do a full hour, I'll go, yeah, have an MC, a middle. Right. You know what I mean? And I'll do 50 maybe. Right. Well, shows are just long anyway.

An hour 15 is great for comedy. It's more than enough. Hour 20. It's more than enough. Yeah. Every year the attention span gets shorter. Joe, do you shave? Not usually, no. Dollar dollashaveclub.com they've

been very good to me here at the show uh you ever shave with a crusty old blade joe i have not no my dad never taught me how to shave no one ever taught me how to shave i used electric razor seriously my dad never taught me anything said i I love you, hug, nothing. That's why I'm here. Well, don't shave with a rusty razor. I won't. Well, don't shell out 25 bucks for a pack of new ones. Don't make that choice. Join Dollar Shave Club. For a couple of bucks a month, Joe,

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That's dollarshaveclub.com slash Nick. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash Nick. So who do you like tonight, Joe? You know, I don't even know. Kentucky or Connecticut? I think, well, good guard play always wins in the NCAA. Now, that would be what, UConn? UConn seems to have the best guard there, that Napier fellow. He's quite the guy.

Right. And, I mean, both teams have won. I mean, you've got Calipari. I don't know. It's hard. I hope for UConn. I'm rooting for UConn. Kentucky, are they all freshmen?

It is, right? I think so. They're all freshmen. That one and done deal, right? Yeah. I was rooting for Wisconsin. Yeah, I know. I wanted Wisconsin.

Me too. Bunch of tall white fellas. Yeah. We were talking about this in Tampa. I talked about this on my podcast, too. But is it all right for white guys to root for a team because they're white? Of course it is. It's okay to root for Americans in the Olympics.

Can you vote for a president because he's black? I did. Yeah. But then I voted for a woman. JillStein.org. Well, look, Kentucky, I heard they're big up front. And like you said, so it's going to be guard play. And you and I have huge hoops.

But from what I understand, it's going to be guard play and you and I have huge hoops but from what I understand it's going to be guard play that always wins in college hoop well all the three articles I read today they said

defense wins well defense and Connecticut is really good defensively but you got the Harrison boys for Kentucky I guess

and he's the kid one of the Harrisons hit the he's hit like three in a row now. Yeah. That was something else. That game was unbelievable.

Against Wisconsin. Yeah, it was a great game. Yeah. So the paper had Kentucky at minus two and a half. And again, I don't have a guy to call. Does Jill Stein take action?

She might. I don't know what she does, to be honest. I'll watch that tonight. Again, we've had this discussion. I can't watch, you know, to be honest. I'll watch that tonight. Again, we've had this discussion. I can't watch hoops because it's two hours of trading baskets, and it gets interesting for eight minutes. And I'll stick to that theory.

That's how I watched the whole tournament. But you know what? Tonight, I'll watch the whole ball game. Yeah, the tournament's great. I love the tournament. No, it is. There's no doubt about it. But we – oh, you weren't here last.

I talked about there's a real – fundamentally, there's a problem at the end of the game with all the time. And people agree with me who love the game. Yeah. No, I love the, I'm one of those people. I love the game and it drives me crazy. Yeah. You shouldn't inbound the ball whistle.

You don't even have to inbound it. They just see how they set up and they blow the whistle. And then there's another time when it should be nonstop. I mean, how people can watch a hockey, even a regular hockey, not even playoff, and then go, like you said, if you're a sports fan. Remember what you said? If you're a sports fan, how can you dislike hockey? I don't understand.

It's funny, too. Sometimes people love baseball and don't like hockey. You watch a hockey game and flick back and forth. In April, you know, the Sox play. I'm doing that now. It's very hard to do. You watch nine hits, six shots. It's crazy.

Doc Emmerich's going, ah! He's screaming. And then you click over. You see one pitch. And then eight minutes of chatting. And then you go back and hockey, and they're fighting. By the way, I love this Bruins team. I can't say it enough.

Hard not to. I think they're going to win the President's Trophy. I love them. They could. But that's like a jinx, I feel like. I hate winning the President's Cup. It's true. It seems like you blow your load.

Yeah. Right? We'll see. They lost a couple to get that out of their system. Yes, they did. And even those games, they could have won. They outplayed the shit out of Detroit. Right.

You know what I mean? And I get a little nervous, though, with Tuca. What? I love Tuca. Yeah? Well, he seems to give up the big one at the end of the game. They're bad in the last minute of games, it seems like. And Tuca's always there.

It makes me, I mean, he's tremendous. There's a reason, and so is Chad Johnson, the backup guy. He's good. Speaking of hockey, did you see the brawl between the NYPD? I did, yeah, yeah. Isn't that kind of embarrassing? Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. The same weekend,

my uncle played in, they call it Guns and Hoses, Cops vs. Firefighters up in Stoughton, Mass. I thought that was Cops vs. Male Porn Star. No brawl up there, though. But, yeah, that was quite a brawl. But that's embarrassing. I mean, look, I'm mixed on it.

The guys, the firefighters and the cops, a lot of testosterone there. Right. But come on. I mean, you're representing the same city. You know what I mean? It's a little silly. Yeah. It is silly.

Yeah. I did it as a kid in the 70s when we played street hockey. Yeah. And the Flyers and the Bruins were the goons of the league. Right, right. So every time we played another neighborhood, we would get in a brawl. Right. That's when I realized that kids do get influenced by violence on TV. Yeah, yeah.

That's what we did. Right. I remember we played this neighborhood. They beat us up and took our net. Sorry, I saw a deer run across your yard just now. No, that's my wife. I got her a new suit. She's on all fours.

Was there a deer? Something went across me. I don't know if it was a car or a deer. I got excited. Let me take a look. Let's see what we got. Oh, boy. Nick walked away.

I got to take over. No, that's a Shetland pony. I'm riding that into the comedy cell tonight. No. Yeah, no. Where's your car, by the way? That was my other question. My car's on the fritz.

My parents have it. Backed over a German guy? Look out. They got, my parents have no money. My sister has no car. My parents have had one car between the two of them. My car's a piece of shit. Just once I would love to drive a car that I was confident

it was going to get somewhere. What's the matter with it now? It's a piece of shit. It's a 2002 Dodge Neon. I don't know. What do you mean? You got a lot of pussy in that car. That's a pussy mobile Dodge Neon. I have. It's got a big dent in it because I hit a deer. It's got fur in it. It's a whole thing. When did you hit a deer? Christmas night. Where? Astoria?

No. No. In Brockton, Massachusetts. it's a whole thing when did you hit a deer christmas night where astoria no in brockton massachusetts the city of jesus it was a brockton deer oh it was a yeah i was wearing boxing gloves uh had a bandana on it did you really yeah is that why it's still in the shop no no no it's just the the fucking transmission's all fucked up you'll be driving it switches from first gear to second gear and goes bang like that's the signal that you've switched from first to second gear so you gotta once you're on the highway it's fine what's it doing it goes bang it sounds exactly joe's here it's really it's exactly what it sounds like the windshield wipers don't work the door doesn't work i've never i've never driven a car that I had any confidence in once in my whole life. When I rent a car, I feel so good.

It's exciting. And I'm always speeding in a rented car because I'm doing like 90 because I'm used to my car shaking when it gets to 50. That's sort of like the signal that I feel like fucking Ali lighting the torch. Well, take that money. You got a city steam. Get a new one. Get a vet. I can't get a car for $100.

No, I know. So, yeah. But I don't need it that much. I'm on the road. I mean, I don't, you know. The reason I asked, Joe, because he has to. He lives in Queens. I'm up here on the sticks, and he had to take a couple trains and two boats.

I had to paddle, took a bike. How about this? I brought this up in the last podcast. I have the New York Post delivered to me. Yeah. And we've had a lot of problems with it not showing up. We had a brutal winter. I live on a dirt road down at the end of the dirt road that goes into the woods.

And I can understand when it snows. A lot of times people don't want to come down this far. That's all understandable. Okay? But after it snows, as soon as it hits four inches we have uh this guy come out and plow yeah immediately and um so you know the couple months ago was really bad i was snowed every but it would get plowed every time okay my also the paper stopped coming for three weeks three weeks he was leaving it up at my mailbox which is like a quarter mile from my house yeah

it's supposed to leave it in my driveway so I can walk down and get it. Right. You know what I mean? I don't want to put on my coat or get my car to go get my fucking, right? So anyways, this has been going on for a year, on and off. Sometimes he brings it, sometimes he doesn't. About a month ago, this guy, it comes at four in the morning, by the way, 4.30. About a month ago, he pulls into our driveway and leans on the horn.

What? Every time he doesn't deliver the paper, you're supposed to call the new york post and go we didn't get the paper yeah okay and you're supposed to do that they tell you to do that then they credit you okay okay even when he leaves the paper up at my mailbox it doesn't count with delivering the paper to me so uh what we do so he leans on the horn about a month ago it's like 4 30 in the morning wakes me and and Andy up. Right? And then there's more snow. We don't see him for a week.

Long story short, Sunday morning, 7 o'clock. 5 or 7. I hear my wife in an argument. Apparently this guy rang the door like three times. I don't even hear it. I'm downstairs. She's upstairs. Right.

I don't even hear it. I'm in a coma. Finally, first time in my life, I'm in REM sleep. And then I wake up. I hear her arguing with somebody in, first time in my life, I'm in REM sleep. And then I wake up. I hear her arguing with somebody in broken English. And right away, I know who it is. So I get up and put on my frigging sweats and shit. And look, God bless him.

He's out there trying to make a living and shit. But he's making shit up. The paper didn't come Friday. I called. He said he brought it. Maybe somebody steal your paper. Yeah, somebody drove down into the fucking core of the earth to steal the New York Post. He said he crashed his car.

That's why he stopped bringing it three weeks ago. And the company won't pay for it. He could barely speak English. And again, God bless him for being out there. But then he starts fucking lying and rings our doorbell at 7 and wakes us up to confront us. Why are you complaining so much? He's got all the paperwork. Oh, wow.

I mean, like a young guy. He wasn't threatening. But I don't appreciate. Now my wife's going to be nervous if this guy does get canned. Right. I mean, is anything fucking easy, Joe? Nothing's easy. That's just my question.

No. My wife. I was like, I had my robe on. He gave me my papers. I handed My wife. I was like I had my robe on. He gave me my papers. I handed it back. Take them back. Turn your brain to mush. I was thinking of egg noodles and ketchup. I ordered the New York Post.

I got egg noodles and ketchup. Seven in the morning. That's uncalled for. Can you imagine having the balls? The next day I fired him. No. It's funny you say that. Okay. So that was yesterday morning, right? Yeah.

So I said, okay, I said, don't bring it no more. I'm canceling. And he goes, good. You're saving me a lot of trouble. He was happy. He was happy I was canceling. That's hilarious. And so I get up this morning, not even going to look out the window at my wife because your paper's here.

Oh, wow. So I'll explain that. So now I don't know if he got canned and somebody else brought it. I picture you opening it and it says, die, Nick, on the second page. No. That's funny. Quinn said, don't be careful when you open it. It might be a bomb.

I go, bomb? How about ricin? And my wife, Andy, goes, how about ricin beans? Because he was like, yeah. That's funny. Not a bad for, yeah, come on how about rice and beans? Because he was like, yeah. That's funny. Not a bad for, yeah, come on. That was quite a zinger. Yeah, girls very rarely say something funny.

How about Jill Stein? Jillstein.org, 2016, bro. So, yeah. And I don't want to get the guy canned. I really don't. No. But you can't lie and say, you know, I brought both your papers. Right.

And why are you complaining? Complain, they tell us to call when you don't bring the fuck up. That's not a complaint. I do like to hear someone stealing it. I love that, the idea of that person who just comes like three and a half miles to get a 50 cent paper. Well, that's what's funny about it. Through the woods, yeah. That happens, that does happen in neighborhoods, you know, when people live next to each other.

Right, of course. But you guys Really I mean If you saw where I lived You'd be laughing your balls off At that suggestion Right Anybody could make it down there

And he supposedly Cracked his car up But to ring our doorbell At seven in the morning And try to turn it on us Right This is where I've grown up You know

I would have pushed him Off my icy steps And been glad I'd been in a lawsuit 10 years ago. But when you get married and you can lose your house and shit. Yeah. You learn to fuck it.

I hope I never get married. Huh? I said I hope I never get married. What the hell? What do you mean? I'm kidding. You want to be in a fight with a Latina guy on your porch? I'm getting married tomorrow.

Hey, how is your girl? What's her name again? Sarah. Sarah. She's great. Sarah Talamash. Great girl. Funny comic.

She made it to the final four in Caroline's big March Madness contest. I can't even picture her telling a joke. I've met her a handful of times. I've heard her say two words. She's got great jokes. She's very shy. Get her some alcohol and pills? Sprice her up?

She stopped drinking. She did too? Before me, yeah. She had to deal with me for a year drinking. Was she as bad as you, though? She wasn't as bad as me, but, you know. Did she have a shit in a guy's boots? No.

That's all a claim on my own. So she won what at Carolina? She was in, like, they do a March Madness thing with 64 comics, and you go against each other. So they just did it recently? Yeah, it just ended last week, last Tuesday. And she came in what, 38th? She was in the Final Four.

It was a big event. It was pretty exciting. Who beat her? This kid, Ricky Velez. Ricky Velez of actually... Isn't he a relief pitcher? Blue Jays? Sounds like every utility infielder.

He's a lefty out of Puerto Rico. Was he funny, Ricky Velez? He's a funny guy. He kills, yeah. He kills. That's two different things. You know that. That's true

gallagher rocks the house too i always bring him up and i hung out with gallagher one time probably a cool cat right he's a bit of a nut chops he's a hippie right yeah he's a nut and he's and he's got a drinking problem and uh he's a bit of a kook what do you mean we went out he hung out with us till like five we couldn't get rid of him he was like hanging out for a while for a while you try to get rid of him? Yeah by the end of the day He wouldn't leave He just kept hanging out

All night He told me to bring A basketball on stage He was like I want to do a documentary Where I give young comedians Advice And he's like

Let me hear some of your bits But I've heard He kind of borrows bits So I didn't want to Give him any of my bits Don't show up near him With like fresh fruit He'll steal the whole

20 minutes And he goes You're a tall guy He's like Why don't you bring A basketball on. He goes, you're a tall guy. He's like, why don't you bring a basketball on stage? You like a basketball? He goes, maybe you dunk it after punchlines. I swear to God. And he was dead serious.

Did he have a heart attack, remember? A couple years ago. Yeah, recently. I think that was like a week ago. Isn't it funny? Somebody that works as fresh fruit his whole career, and he has the heart attack. Anyways. All right, Joey.

You're pressed for time. You're at Caroline's tonight, right? I gotta get back to the train. I gotta go to Caroline's. I'm at the Cellar tonight. I gotta get Joey right back to the train. I'm at, let me do my plugs here. I'm at...

Is that my plug? I want to plug some other stuff. Oh, go ahead. I got my podcast, Tuesdays with Stories. All right. I gotta have you on sometime. I'd love to have you on. And then my new web series comes out tomorrow.

Is this coming out today? No. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. All right. Well, it comes out tomorrow. Is this coming out today? No. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. All right. Well, it comes out this week. Ultimate Worries with the Ultimate Warrior. Check out my website.

Oh, the Ultimate Warrior. That's the hook. I thought you were saying warrior. That's the joke. No, warrior. That's cute. Check it out. Who's making up your shit?

Your sister? No, that's a good one. ComedianJoeList.com. They're hilarious. I got a show to you. I interviewed Ted Alexandro and some other comedians. I'm at Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant this Friday and Saturday night. What, you're not done yet?

What the fuck? Joey's got a dance recital at his niece's at the Grapefruit Elementary School. That's true. She's singing New York, New York. It's very special to me. Uncle Vinny's this Friday and Saturday at 9.30 both nights. And then at the end of the month, the improv in Tempe, Arizona, the 25th, 26th, and 27th. That's it, kids.

Thanks for joining us. Joe? Yes. Anything else? No. I love you. Vote Jill Stein in 2016 if she runs. Good night.

Until we meet again. Thank you, kids. Wrench your asses. Good night, everybody. Jill Stein in 2016 if she runs. Thank you, kids. Rent your asses. Good night, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.