The Nick DiPaolo Show - 025 - Robert Kelly

Episode Date: April 15, 2014

Robert Kelly

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Hey, folks, one of my favorite people on the show today, the great Robert Kelly, is in the house. Bobby, thanks for making the trek. Yeah, I was only 10 minutes away. That's right. Bobby's the only person I know in, you know, at my level of fame in Westchester. I could go bang on Robert Klein's door. He'd be like, fuck you.

Does he live up here, too? He does. A lot of people live up in Westchester. About the same distance is about 10 minutes for 15 minutes. Here's the thing. I don't know why people go Jersey, Long Island. They like tunnels. I hate it. Bridges, tunnels. I don't get it. Right?

I don't get it. I suggested to you here and you took a ride out and saw what I was talking about. It's 25 minutes to get to 79th Street exit off the West Side Highway from my house. It's stupid.

You're even a little shorter than me. Yeah, I'm a little... South of here, which is great. Yeah, I mean, this house is, you know, you're in the woods. I'm in the woods. Yeah. There's no doubt about it. Yeah.

I had a little... I talked about this in my last podcast. I have the post delivered to my house you know a few years now and uh because of the brutal winters you know sometimes it doesn't make it here which is understandable i live on a road about the size of a luge course and it's just as icy right yeah and and uh so we had a brutal winter and um but here's the thing when it snows up here we we hire these people to plow as soon as it hits four inches all the neighbors we chip in this guy this ecuadorian they show up

as soon as it hits four inches where it's two in the morning and they plow immediately right okay so all of a sudden we weren't getting the paper for like three weeks and this jerk off was leaving it at my mailbox which is a quarter mile up the street i think i talked about i don't know where the people go but anyways the doorbell rings like... We weren't getting it for three weeks. And you call and complain. You don't complain. You just...

They credit you. Even if he leaves it at my mailbox, he's supposed to deliver it to the house. Right. Anyways. I think I'm going to get... You know what? He was ringing the doorbell at five in the morning on a Sunday.

Wakes us up. Or seven in the morning. Makes me and the wife up. I don't even hear the doorbell. I hear my wife arguing with somebody, and I'm laying in bed pretending to be asleep. And, you know, it's a little Latino guy. I don't want him to get fired, but he's a young kid, and he's lying to her. He didn't bring me the paper the Friday before, so I called, and he's saying,

no, somebody must have stole it. Yeah, somebody drove down here on a loose sled and took my post. And so anyways. I'm going to get what the paper delivered because now i have a mailbox that i just installed myself oh we're gonna get some pussy with this story i'm i put my mailbox in i went to home depot did you really i youtubed how to do a mailbox i went home i put it together put the thing in put the other thing in drilled the other thing in i got the two numbers put those on the side drilled the mailbox on got the washers put everything on the mailbox in and now i can walk down my long driveway yeah i have a nice long

driveway like tony soprano in my robe there you go and get my paper every morning yeah i'll tell what's gonna happen when did you put it in? I put it in two weeks ago. Yeah, I'll give it about another week. One of your asshole teenage neighbors knocks it over on purpose at three in the morning, puts an M80 in it. Like we used to do. I remember somebody in my neighborhood driving by with bats and knocking them all over.

Like five houses when I was a kid. When I was a kid, though, I lived in Medford. We didn't have mailboxes. You had to go to... What we used to do is pick people's cars up on one-way streets. You know, you double park on both sides. I know. You pick the car up.

You wait for a car to come down. You swing the car out in the front. And then you run behind them and swing another car out. So they're stuck in the street. Oh, that's genius. At like two in the morning. And they can just honk the horn. That's it.

That's horrible. Yeah. You said Medford. What do I have at the top of my list? Medford, Mass. Oh, right. I'm familiar with that area because I lived in Malden for a few years. I worked for Time Warner Cable selling cable TV door to door.

Medford was my area. Really? 3 in the morning, I'm knocking on doors at 11 below. Imagine? In Medford. But I'll tell you a good story about that. I was, you know, I'm knocking on doors. It's 11 below. Imagine in Medford. But I'll tell you a good story about that. I was, you know, in my early 20s.

Didn't look like I do now. But it was summertime and I was at a pay phone making a call. And some hot broad, I mean smoking from Medford. We'll call her Lauren. And she comes up to me and asks for a flyer. I was holding a bunch of flyers. It was time one or some sales thing. Then she calls the next day and says she comes up to me and asked for a flyer i was holding a bunch of flyers it was time one or some sales thing then she calls the next day and says she's interested in and you know so i have to go out to her house again explain the packages show time and all that shit right and the

zing zanger she was a fucking little italian how uncomfortable we found out it was my mom you wouldn't bother me. I had a good time. I don't know. But the broad came and we came. I dated her for, I don't know how long, but she came on a gig with me. It was right after I quit the cable and started comedy. Right.

Because I remember her coming to one of my gigs. I remember her being on top of me, having sex. She was holding a Budweiser and drinking it as we're having sex. A real classy broad. That just filled me up saying that. Why did that just make me really horny? Just a chick just drinking while she's fucking you? She was a chick in a beer hand.

It was down the Cape somewhere. I'll never forget it. I can still see it. That's like one of the sexiest things I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, we were both tan and shit. Now I'm pale like in a little gut. That's because we live up here, though. I wouldn't cheat on my wife ever.

Just out of respect for girls in their 20s, I wouldn't want a girl to go down and see three, four white pubes staring at her face. Might as well be blowing a janitor at the elementary school. How horrible. But she was from Medford was the point, and she was all Italian. She has big brown doe eyes and an ass that would make you cry. Does she have a big nose, like a kind of Italian nose? That's my favorite thing.

No. I love a big Italian nose. Yeah, I don't mind. If it's a pretty face, I don't mind. Pretty face, big nose, it just turns me on. How the fuck a woman looks like Jamie Farr if her hair is combed right? Jamie. Speaking of blowjob. If her hair is combed right. Jerry. Speaking of blowjob.

I want to talk about it because you're a dad now, which is amazing. But sexuality, you've had some funny conversations. Yeah. I remember being in the shitter at the comedy cell, pissing, and you were trying to look over the thing and you're giggling and at that point i had got no gay vibe no gay vibe i didn't know that you know you're kind of a fucking i had no idea yeah and uh so well let me let me play a clip i was looking for clips. Okay. And this is a discussion you had with Jim Norton on his radio show, I guess, last summer. I just found it now. Okay. I had no idea.

I was laughing until I cried. Here we go. You got molested. No, I didn't. I blew a guy for a steak. Yeah, let's move on. Did you really? Yeah.

Well, she's such an annoying. We had salmon yesterday. I couldn't get my dick sucked. No. There's a T-bone. I'm not just blowing guys for who did you blow for a step how old were you dude uh how the i'm just curious you were hungry i think i was young i forget it was a really interesting he was bob was about 15. i wasn't in my teens no youngsters don't blow people for stage now who who you blow for this day that was some guy down the end of the block this kid who was like you know a little older than me he wasn't

more molested less station and we went on the roof after this guy had a big one no he wasn't retarded. I was kidding about that. He was like scientific. Like he invented shit. Okay, so. I blew a fucking nerd. So basically, did you offer the blowjob? No.

Like you want some steak? And you're like, all right, I'll suck your cock for it. I didn't know what sucking cock was. Yeah. What? Yeah. What is? First, she said he had a big one.

Was it the steak you were talking about? Or his prick? I don't. His prick was a prick. I don't know. I't know i remember bob explain yourself here this one had me crying okay i just found this an hour before you get up here i'm like should i let him in the house i said to my wife you have any pork chops i uh well it really i carried that around me for long. I thought it was a queer. Here I am in Medford. Well, how good is the meat is my question.

What was it? I think it was more molestation. I don't know if you can... Two kids who... He was a kid too, though. It wasn't like he was a guy. So I didn't know what it was. But here, when I got 10 and 12 and 13,

I started drinking, hanging out with guys and banging broads. That young? At 10? I banged for the first time when I was at 10. I didn't have no hair on my pencil at 10. I banged Tawny Quint in a bush. Who? Tawny Quint. Her name's Tawny Quint. And she was like a half. She was mulatto broad.

Oh, you said Tawny. I thought you meant a guy. Noony tony tony tony yes she's like a porto rican yeah like puerto rican black wow delicious and uh i carried this around with me for so long you know i thought it was i was like what the fuck was that but it's called chlamydia no the queer shit and uh i went to when i went to rehab i remember the guy brought me in the room tom tompkins one of the meanest guys but the nicest guy tommy tompkins he ran this rehab for kids from 9 to 18 okay and the first day in there you know it's regular rehab all these fucking people and this guy this kid wanted to run and he was flipping out i want to get the fuck out of here i remember this guy comes down. He's got glass, almost bifocals on.

He's smoking a cigarette, these long, thin cigarettes. And he comes down, looks over his glasses. And I'm like, oh, who's this fucking dumb old guy? He goes, which one of you fucking cunts wants to leave? And he goes, what, you, you little faggot? You're fucking queer. You want to leave, you dumb cunt? Get the fuck out.

Yeah, we're fucking, I'm trying to save lives here, you piece of shit. Who are you saying to you? To the guy who wanted to leave. And he's going, you fuck. And then one of the counselors goes, listen, Tom. He goes, you're fucking fired. Don't ever interrupt me, you fuck. I'm trying to save this little cunt's life because he's a pussy.

And he doesn't know that his life's going to be changed be changed now he's gonna stop drinking and using drugs and fine and i'm sitting there shaking like this guy fires the real soft technique counselor but he winds up being the sweetest guy in the fucking world he just really like fuck you don't fuck around you're quitting drugs you're quitting alcohol you're here for a reason stop being a fucking asshole and the kid started crying and he goes you want to leave he goes no he goes all right then come here he goes you know and he saw and he softened up on the kid and then this guy this is tommy tompkins tommy tompkins and then he brings me in the room brings me upstairs like a couple weeks later and he goes what's the thing you've done that you fucking hate that you carry around and it it just it torments you.

You've never told anybody. And I go, I don't know. He goes, what is the thing that you've never told anybody that he goes, we all have it. And I told him that story. And how old are you at this point? I'm 15. I go, I had this shit and I, you know, and I'm not and it fucking kills me. And he goes, really?

So you blew a guy for a steak at what age i go i think it was before first grade he goes all right hang on he hits a button he goes tell todd to come in here get gary and get joey up here so he brings these three other kids up he goes you ever suck a guy's dick yep you ever suck a guy's dick you ever suck he goes yep he goes yeah yeah. Yeah, everybody's suck dick. Relax. You're a kid. You're not blowing guys because you're queer. If you're doing that now,

you'd be fine. He goes, you, you, you. Fucking crazy. Was it a rehab? Rehab, yeah. For drugs or booze? It's both. At 15.

I started doing. Oh. Oh. I. You. You. You. You were doing both?

At 15? I started. Oh, yeah, yeah baby do it one more time I started drinking I started drinking When I was 10 7-7 Whiskey straight out of the bottle 7-7

At 10? 10 I'm sure you've discussed all this before on ona and shit maybe not i mean not really i mean you know i don't want to be dr phil here but what the fuck was going on at age 10 that you needed a seven and seven you get home from you a lot of pressure well here's the thing at school is that i lived you know i didn't have really a father and then when i did get a father in kindergarten when my mother remarried um he was an abusive guy very physically i had heard this i've heard you talk about this yeah physically

and mentally more so stupid idiot shut the shut up dummy you're an idiot you know all the time is that considered abusive yeah not now not to your wife but to hecklers to your kid that's how i talked but um yeah so when really when then when he moved out and my mother finally divorced him five years later i'm sitting in my mom works seven days a week we lived in a two-bedroom apartment i didn't have anybody i didn't have a fucking soul you're a latchkey kid i don't know what that means that means you let yourself in and out yes does it work ted williams is a latchkey kid yes he ended up hitting 400 become the greatest baseball player you ended up sucking a, becoming the greatest baseball player.

You ended up sucking a dick for a steak. You see, Bob? So we can't use a steak skewer. Well, I did the steak way before that. But I think the drugs after that, you know, when I found out, I remember the first time I... You didn't have a male, sorry, but you didn't have a male figure in your life. No.

I didn't have a male figure. You need a few of these. Oh, yeah. That's what you needed yeah but at the right time not just cuz i'm ruining a perfect interview with shitty fucking sound effects no no just to play with my computer go ahead they uh i i remember when i i i remember i didn't have any friends next door neighbor with these two broads kristin and kim and uh they always had these little parties and

they had the cool kids over. And I remember I didn't know how to go over there and I remember I pretended I was on drugs and I just staggered up their driveway. And you weren't? You were sober? I just faked it. I made a black beauty. I said I took black beauties. And I didn't even know what a fucking black beauty

was. That's a downer, ain't it? I pretended I was stoned, and everybody liked me, and the two girls were into me. And then Dickie School and Scott Kelly were like, dude, where'd you get it? What'd you do? I'm like, I don't know. They taught me how to smoke, and I was like,

oh my God, it was the best night of my life. It was in sixth grade, going into seventh. And I remember the next day, my mother had met this new guy who's my father now who's larry borsetti old school italian is that right that we use his name yeah he's the fucking best he's my dad he's my dad he this is the third dad she met the third guy oh larry's the third the third larry the third larry borsetti so he steps in at the last minute yeah i remember the next night He's over the house

Cooking soup Teaching me how to Cook chicken soup And he's got Frank Sinatra on And he's telling me About Frank Sinatra And I'm sitting there

With a dad I finally got This fucking dad What if he looked at you And he's like Do you like steak So So then all of a sudden

The doorbell rings Yeah For the first time in my life because i never had a friend yeah and and her bobby it's for you which i never heard in my life and it was dickie and scott these kids from that party and they were like well come on you want to go out and i was like um i'm cooking soup you know and i'm sitting there having this great time with this guy who's i've never you know he's just a cool guy and he goes bring him in come on in fellas he's the nicest guy he feeds us all soup need to know these two guys these guys are fucking crazy drug addict

fucking killers right i don't know that yet and they're eating soup in my house it's like inviting the mob in you know what i mean so they bring these guys in and house. It's like inviting the mob in. You know what I mean? So they bring these guys in. And we all have soup until we're stuffed. And then he goes, go ahead, go have fun. Larry's like, go have fun. My mother's like, wait a minute. She's like, just let him go. And we go to the tracks.

And they got a bottle of whiskey. A big fucking fifth. And they stole it from somewhere. And we drank it until we puked all the chicken soup up. Fucking chicken soup everywhere. fucking chicken soup everywhere just chicken soup everywhere and that that hung out with those guys and from there i just started drinking i did whatever they did so that i could stay hanging out with them and then they were old than you they were a little older than me are they dead now no they're both now dickie's dickie got his shit together i think scotty he's got his kid he's got a couple kids he got his shit together

i mean i have a lot of friends in the den but i i started progressing in friends almost like in the business you know where you hang out with these guys were cool but then they were the cooler guys so i started hanging out with them it's almost ingenious on your part how you open the door by pretending you're on drugs yeah i well i think they always say bad things about drugs it literally opened a door to your first friends it opened the door and probably saved my life in a weird way because i was i would wake up every day and go to the basement in the corner where i put a pillow and a blanket because i was depressed um i remember there was these kids after me in school. They wanted to beat me up.

I was in fear every day in sixth grade. I was in fear for my life. I was in, you know, sixth, fifth, fourth, third, and second. I was in fear for my life every day because this guy would hit me and beat me and punch me. This is in Medford Middle School? This was in Medford. And now here I am.

Tough time, by the way, Medford. Working class. Yeah. It used to be all Italian. I don't know if it's still. It probably still is. And now, here I am. Tough time, by the way, Medford. Working class. Yeah. It used to be all Italian. I don't know if it's still. It probably still is. Well, they were very segregated. It was Irish in North Medford.

South Medford was Italians. West Medford was whites. And then the blacks had a certain section, Duggar Park. You don't consider the Italians whites? No. Not like my, you know what I mean? No, I know. Full-blooded.

I know what you mean. I know full-blooded i know what you mean i knocked on those doors dude you had the lacoste's bakery uh bob subs alexandra's bomb subs i even remember that oh the best yeah yeah i i progressed in my friends i went from dickie to barbie cicchetti who was just yeah he was like the matt dylan of the, and then I went from him to Frankie Paul of Castro. Listen to these names. I'm getting heartburn. Jake Gagliotti, Michael Dotz. You had no chance.

Mikeo. Well, yeah, and then I, you know, Mikey Catalano. These guys were fucking killers. And, you know, they taught me how to drink. I mean, I remember watching Jake Gag's drink. He would get a fifth, or he'd get like a half pint or a pint, and he'd one sip it he knew how to put it he would teach me you put your tongue back down so the alcohol hits the back

of your throat not your tongue the reason why you throw up is because you taste it if you miss the tongue completely then you can one sip a bottle and that was at 13 that's it's a nice thing to know well it was back then because i remember i used to i used to get beat up a lot and my friends would beat you up if you didn't fight them if you didn't fight the kid if they were like fight this guy and you were like not they beat you up real grease balls yeah but in you know it sucked but in a weird way it was like they were teaching me how to survive and i remember the first time i got a beating by four guys and i didn't cry i was so happy because i wasn't afraid anymore because i knew that i could take a beating yeah four guys and i didn't cry i was so happy because i wasn't afraid anymore

because i knew that i could take a beating yeah you know i was the reason why i was so afraid of my whole life is because i was afraid of getting hurt now i knew i could take a beating for by four i learned that from my old man i didn't need friends why did your father hit you no slapped me around all the time but not like that not a beating yeah right right i talked about this boy i always had it coming but i'm him I talked about this before. I always had it coming. But I'm him. He was quick with his hands. I usually had it coming. You know what I mean? He was an ex-Marine.

Yeah, Marine, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird thing, though, because I was never a fighter. I was never that guy. You have to be in that section of Medford.

Yeah, you kind of have to be in a weird way. But I also got a temper from this asshole. The father guy. I got this weird temper. Which father guy? The second stepdad. What was his name? Larry's the third.

Bill Manchington. Bill Manchington? Yeah, he's just a dick. I remember him. The only thing he wanted was a Corvette. I remember he had a... He wanted a Monte Carlo. He had a Monte Carlo with T-tops and rims.

Spoked rims. Remember the spoked rims? Yes. And he'd make me clean them. And my present for helping him wash his shitty car was a ride. Let's go for a ride. Ah, fucking dick. Just a shit dick. And I remember my mother told me

that later in life he got his Corvette. He finally got his Corvette and he couldn't fit in it. He had to sell it because he got too fat. And any guy that wants a... How old was he when he finally got his Corvette? I don't fit in it. He had to sell it because he got too fat. And yeah, any guy that wants a, how old was he when he finally got his Corvette? I don't know. When that's your life's dream. Yeah. Yeah.

Really setting the bar high. It's sad, man. It's a, it's a, it's a weird, you know, to be hooked on booze and drugs at that early of the, it was a fucking nightmare. And that's from not having a, you know, and it's a classic story today. All the illegitimate, I mean, it's, you know, broken's a classic story today all the illegitimate i mean it's you know broken family you gotta have a mother and father i mean yeah ideally well that's the thing about everybody turns into a i mean but i'm just saying like you said you didn't have

friends and uh not much of a male uh role model no i had male role models but they were just ruthless yeah just ruthless Fucking killers And I'm not instinctually I'm a nice person Instinctually Who I am at my core I'm a nice guy So to do all this

Mean shit I remember We'd pull up at a light And a guy on a bike Would be in front of us Or something And they'd beep And he

You know They gave him He gave him the finger And we just got out of the car And beat the shit out of the guy Grabbed him Threw him Beat the fuck out of him Who you and Me and four just got out of the car and beat the shit out of the guy grabbed him threw him beat the fuck you and me and four other people for my friends but i didn't want to do it it's like if you if i didn't do it i'd be a pussy what are you a pussy you know and i remember they

threw his bike and i remember hitting kids i didn't want to hit i remember getting into fights that i didn't want to get into you know just, just, ugh. I hated it. So you had a good childhood. I remember, even hitting kids, you'd always feel, I'd feel worse when I hit a kid and hurt him. Because I felt bad for his mother and his family. Because I know he went home, and they were like, who are you?

Yeah, you hear that. There was a scene. What was that? I don't know. What movie was that? Oh. Bronx Tale? No. I don't know What movie was that? Oh Bronx Tale? No I don't know

The kid The bully felt bad He said because he taped Some kids buns together It's a famous movie And he knew he had to go home To his father I don't know

I know Oh It was in Breakfast Club I don't fucking know Right Boy It's like having Alzheimer's When you don't sleep

Two and a half hours By the way last night Two and a half hours, by the way, last night. Two and a half hours, yeah. That's all I got. Get a baby. I don't, I might as well have a baby, Bob. My prostate is like having a baby. I'm pissing at four in the morning. That's not good.

And that's not, that's not even what's waking me up. I know my listeners are sick of hearing this, but I go to, I, I, last night I couldn't sleep till two. All right. I'm wide awake at one 30. I go to, I'm laying, I'm still wide awake going, you know, usually I fall asleep and in exactly three and a half, four hours later, I wake up for some reason. It's like God is going, Hey asshole, you're 52. You get about 25 years of wasting.

It's like, that's what it feels like. It's like somebody, I wake up four hours tops. I'm happy when I get four now last night so i'm laying there whatever i rubbed one out and finally passed out woke up at four you sleep in the same bed as your chick a lot of times but not not last night okay good yeah you don't rub one out next to her no no no i ever no i do that in the kitchen she's a real sound i do that in the kitchen laying on the counter by myself. Yeah, so anyways, and people have heard this before, so I just fucking laid down.

I got up at, what was it, 5 o'clock this morning, 5.30. I'm watching TV until like 7.30. Then I go back to bed, and I pass out until about 9.30. I mean, this happens a couple times a week, and it ruins your day. And some guy on Twitter is telling me what to get and shit. So I ordered this stuff, this Zen Life supplement. Oh, Jesus. Well, it's not like you.

I wasn't hitting a whiskey sour when I was in third grade. Sorry. I'm saying this. What? It's all mental. It's mental. Well, as you get older, what you it's all mental something's it's mental well as you get older though it's common how old are you you're not old dude i'm 52 dude yeah but that's not when they talk about oh when they no no no this every doctor i've talked to said that well as you know you get to your age 52 i'm not gonna be dead in a week but i'm just saying if i keep up this sleep pattern

i will be passing away 53 uh auto and george auto and george rob just told me rob just told me auto and george comedian friends of ours the guy with the puppet one's a friend one's a puppet well i like them both equally auto passed away last night yeah i didn't even know this yeah he you folks if you're comedy fans you know he is a jersey guy yeah he had a puppet he was filthy and as funny as anybody you've ever heard in your life had a lot of drug problems right i didn't i didn't know that i didn't know that it was still relevant but yeah i guess so that's what people are saying but yeah he uh which is this is he's one of the funniest guys. I mean, he, his, his humor and his quickness were fucking crazy, crazy good.

And just, I mean, he'd do the funniest, tasteless, most hilarious. You couldn't help but laugh. And they say he, they say like Dice got his cue from Otto and a lot of those Jersey guys. That's what I, I always heard. I don't know if Dice would agree with that. I mean, I could see that. But yeah, that's what I heard. But the famous story about him, he got a guy so pissed one night, a Puerto Rican guy.

This was back like in the 80s. The guy after the show stabbed the puppet. Remember that? Yeah. And it's a true story, and I wouldn't doubt it. I worked with him A couple years ago With Bob Levy

Yeah At some gig Out in the middle Of Pennsylvania I sat there I was wiping my eyes You know How jaded you get

He's so funny man I remember seeing him At the Boston Comedy Club When I first moved here On Black Night Remember Black Night On Sunday nights Oh Jesus yeah

Sunday nights At Boston Comedy Club Sold the fuck out Two shows Every Sunday All black comedians And then I He walks in one night With the puppet jesus yeah sunday nights at boston comedy club sold the fuck out two shows every sunday all black comedians and then i he walks in one night with the puppet he goes on stage you know he's fucking out of his mind oh yeah the he would say anything and again thinking oh you know the puppet would i mean you'd hear some of the most racist he goes he goes all right the public goes

black girl's pussy looks like a fucking wallet that was that was his opener that was like the lightest he did that night right right and he he annihilated yeah even in pennsylvania there were two young black kids in the crowd and he just looks out of the puppet's head pops up guilty and i'm going what the just race funny i mean and they're crying the kids are fucking crying they're laughing so hard i'm guilty he's fucking great and he's fucking gone i can't believe it and that's gone johnny panette last week uh pulmonary embolism or something which is that what happened yeah which is like a blood clot right that's what my buddy out of miami was reading about it

and it sort of made sense you know when you fly i don't know if this was the direct cause the flight when you fly you can get a lot of people get blood clots if you don't get up and walk around because of the pressure in the cabin and you should do that dude i'm telling you if you take long flights i do get up and walk around i got a buddy down in miami who's had these in the dark so you have to get up he's got all kinds of problems on medication and because of his hips but he's retaining water really yes and they a lot of pilots die from this and they keep it kind of secret really so my buddy was telling uh yeah you got to get up and walk around because the pressure your body's like you know they

depressurize the cabin it it uh keeps like all your blood down by your feet. It's supposed to recycle up to your heart. And sometimes a bubble develops. So they tell you to walk around. And I'm the worst. I never get up. I'm the laziest prick. I can go seven hours. I won't even get up to take a piss.

You know what does that? Quinn does that, too. What, he doesn't move? No, he'll do like 18 hours to Iraq. Just pulls his dumb hoodie over his big head. So, yeah, that's what they... so they, you know, I'm going to look at more articles, but that's my buddy Miami. He thought, I don't know if he put two and two together or he actually read, but I know it said pulmonary embolism for, but. Yeah, I think Otto died in his sleep is what they're saying.

He had drug problems, Otto. And he, remember he got really sick though. He had, he had meningitis last year. Oh, that's what it was. He had drug problems, Otto. Remember, he got really sick, though. He had meningitis last year. Oh, that's what it was, meningitis. Meningitis last year. Yeah, so he got stuck up in Canada, I believe. Yes. Wasn't he at a hospital in Canada for months?

Yeah, which is crazy. Did he have family, Bob? You know, it's funny. I wasn't great friends with Otto. Norton was. Bob Le wasn't great friends with Otto. You know, Norton was. Bob Levy was great friends with him. I really admired him, and I liked him a lot. But I never became really great friends with the guy

because we never really even did gigs together. So when you become friends with comics, it's usually when you do a couple shows together. And then you kind of have some weird thing that happens, you know, bond that happens. But I was with him on O&A, uh, I remember he would just kill it and then just disappear. Like he would just leave without saying goodbye.

Right. And it was like, he would, he was, he would do that crazy shit that like, but it was him. That's right. We, I did a gig with him in Philly, the electric factory, whatever the hell it was called. Oh, it's a great club. No. Was that, it was a big, it was a big theater type. It was an electric factory whatever the hell it's a great club no was that it was a big it was a big theater type was it electric factory is that it yeah it was uh with stuttering john and and um i think arty was there and bo shetty and auto and george and we went down

and we drove down in a snowstorm stuttering john's suv with bald tires was sliding through red lights we had to go pick auto up at his house and then it's me and auto sitting in the back oh god and i'm talking to him and every once in a while he'd go he'd recite a line from he kept reciting the same line from raging bull he kept going when i get the fucking belt around me that's when i start fooling around no matter what i said to him i go so you've done any gigs lately uh in the city when i get the fucking belt around that's when i stopped fooling around and then he'd look out the window he kept repeating a line from the raging bull yeah man he was a he was eccentric very and uh yeah and he murdered that night he comes out and says something was that the one he said something uh bill somebody just died that was famous johnny

cash and he goes i wish i I was fucking Johnny Cash right now. Because he wasn't doing it. And he started attacking Philadelphia. And well, you know, rest in peace. Yeah. Because. Fucking dropping. Dude.

Look who's gone. Patrice, Geraldo. Mitch Hedberg. Mike DiStefano. Mike DiStefano. Otto. Otto. Matt. I know. And they're all good comics. Mitch Hedberg Mike DiStefano Mike DiStefano Otto Panette I know

Dennis And they're all good comics I know No the hacks Lived till 110 It's fine Like no No shitty comic

Has died I'm telling you Rita Rudd And his blood pressure Is 120 over 80 No cholesterol Whatsoever Nothing in her shitter they they don't die they just keep getting deals

they keep fucking getting deals man speaking of long flights and shit you brought up calling you know like me not moving on a plane how about when we went to japan you and i uso tour and colin and who else was it me you and colin that's it no was it was it just that in us three just us three and um i remember seeing bobby on the plane it's like a 24 hour flight yeah and he's got headphones on and your belly laughing right yeah belly laughing and i'm going what the fuck? He must be listening to Prior or watching it all. And what were you watching? Smoking and the Bandit.

The funniest movie on the planet. But you had tears coming down your... It's just the... I actually watched the movie on YouTube. You can watch just Buford T. Justice's parts. So you can watch Smoking and the Bandit with just Buford T. Justice. It's still the funniest fucking movie in the world. Bobby Joel loves it. Do you do

besides Brothers of Tampa? I do, yeah. I was down a couple weeks ago. That's all he was doing. And I go, that's Robert Kelly's favorite movie. He's got Buford on the stage. That's right. It's the best movie in the fucking world. Daddy, my hat fell off. I hope your goddamn head was in's like it's the best movie in the fucking world daddy my hat fell off

I hope your goddamn head was in it he's the best sounds like one of your stepdad what did you did you kidnap a kidnap

a baby shit compared to what did dude doing took over state line no he goes bank robbing here we go Artie Lang used to do this

Artie hey Nick Nick DiPaolo alright we're back to the nick and the arty show uh give it up for uh oh shit wait that's over we're in a basement he used to do that he used to do that line though from uh yeah smoking the man i love i can do arty lang impression sounds then you and i you and i on the uso tour in japan uh i don't know why but i challenged bobby to a

race probably because he's 40 pounds heavier than me i'm gonna i'll blow him off the fucking remember yeah so we get down like a three-point stance okay listen the last time i had done a sprint was probably in college yeah 20 years prior i get down without even stretching not exactly a warm day yeah we're in a parking lot somewhere it was in a marine barracks yep so he challenged me i think i'll leave this guy in the dust we're about halfway fucking we're about 25 into it he's like a step ahead of me i'm going well i gotta kick it into another gear and i feel a pop i go down like i was a kennedy yeah went down like i was shot people are watching and laughing i'm clutching

my hamstring like cervelli for the Yankees last night And I'm on the ground I felt the pop You could hear it And Bob just goes blowing by I couldn't believe how quick you were number one And then I'm limping around the rest of the Remember the rest of the trip I'm fucking

Remember the fucking restaurant we went to At the top of the mountain Yes Where we had to take Our shoes off That old Japanese house With those levels Yeah And we took our shoes off Yes but we had to take that shoes old japanese house with those levels and we took our shoes off yes and we have to sit down yep and and then we you ordered this is what

fucking amazed me you had the balls to order this you ordered a fish on a stick oh yeah i forgot about that and it was the best it looked like. It was the whole fish with the eyes and the face. Everything on a stick. Fish on a stick. You had to cook your food on a rock. Remember? They give us hot rocks. That's right.

It was the best food we've ever had. You gave me a bite of that fish. It was one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life. Well, if I knew what I know now, it had you blow me for it. Oh, that's right it was stick yeah stick that that's so funny i was gonna bring up that restaurant that's one of the things it's it was in the woods like there was trees around like with koi pond that's right it was all lit up at night little uh a little japanese lady selling trinkets on the way that's right

that's right it was one of the, it was like being in a movie. It was like being in like a Tarantino movie or something weird. And we're in the middle of, I got a photo of you too. There's two things. I got a photo of you. That I want that you said you lost.

I got it. You found it. It's a view with fucking aviator mirrored shades on with Mount Fuji in the background. It's the best picture I've ever had of taken of me. You look like a fucking... I want a copy of that. You look... It's crazy.

That's how much I love myself. And then... You have that? Because I asked for you like six years ago. I got it. And you said you couldn't find it. Well, when I moved, I had to go through all this shit. And I found these hard drives.

What, do you get them in a box? Like a Polaroid? So what is this, 1938? I had it on a hard drive, and it says Mount Fuji, and I go through it, and there's a photo. The mountain's behind me, right, in the picture? Dude, the Mount Fuji is, like, yeah, it's one of the most famous volcanoes. Can you please email me that tonight? I promise you.

So I can give it to the wife, and she can put a frame, and I can take the one out where I look like Butterfooka. I promise you. And then, remember we went to one of the oldest bridges in the world? Yes. And we went to that park and fucking Quinn had a mood swing. Remember? It's right here on the list.

Okay. Look, Quinn hit Swan with rock. Was it a rock or a quarter? It was a... He threw... Colin Quinn snaps. There was a bunch of Swans flying. One of them was being a bully.

Well, here's what happened. Go ahead. You've got a great memory for this shit, man. For a guy who was smoking weed at seven. Well, what happened? We go to this fucking thing. They're taking us to this outdoor garden, Japanese garden. And it's one of the oldest bridges in the world

that's still around. It's like thousands of years old. Right. And then there's this beautiful garden on the other side. And, you know know Carl's like yeah yeah yeah He's really the nicest guy In the world Until he gets tired Or hungry

And then he becomes My wife Yeah He's just Alright well That was good timing No my wife gets nasty When she gets hungry

Right She gets hungry He's got a mood swing So when he gets in moods Then he starts talking About the swans How they fuck They attack kids

I don't like swans They attack kids Yeah all of a sudden He had all that knowledge About swans Like he was attacked by one yeah he just he just lost his mind he gets crazy he getting you know quinn gets nuts and he's talking about these swans and i'm videotaping him okay and i got the camera on him and he looks around i remember i was watching and there's like we're on this bridge bridge. It's thousands of years old. And a little geisha woman with an umbrella is like, you know, just walking with the little fucking hobbled feet over the bridge hopping.

And he looks at her and then he looks and he throws this fucking quarter at a swan. He thought that swan was bullying the other swan. Yeah. Right. Hits it. Yeah. Like that. Fucking thing.

I'm like, are you? And then he runs like a nine year old. He did run. I got the video. You still have that? It's on. Yeah. Like that. Fucking thing. I'm like, are you? And then he runs like a nine year old. He did run. I got the video. You still have that? It's on my YouTube page. It's a video of him.

I'm like, what are you doing? He threw a fucking change at a swan's head and this beautiful guy. You couldn't be more beautiful. Literally, you couldn't be.

It was a very pristine setting and it surprised the hell out of it. I didn't know it was low blood sugar that he took on the mood of, that was, and it surprised the hell out of it. I didn't know it was low blood sugar that he took on the mood of... And then you had a clip of me on that same trip in my room, trying to use my laptop.

I probably had it for a week. Yeah. And I'm illiterate as it is after 40 years, never mind a week after. Little do I know, Robert is filming me swearing at my computer. I'm in my room by myself. Remember? Yeah. I'm going, you motherfucker.

I'm hitting that fucking enter button. I'm unplugging it. I'm rebooting it. What did you call it? Enter button? No, enter. Enter button. I thought you said enter button.

Yeah. Yeah. You were fucking losing your mind. And I had no idea until we get home. But then you sent me a clip of me swearing at my own computer. Well, that's because when, that's when before cell phones with cameras right that's when um the camera would actually have a video that's when they that's when they first started putting video with cameras the little tiny cameras oh that's what and i i took so much video that trip so many photos and so many videos yeah i took a lot remember

that kid that was with us from the navy remember Remember? He was like a little twink? Oh, yeah. He was Asian. He was Japanese, right? He was half Japanese, half something else. Right. And he was with us, and he was political, whatever, and he was asking us all questions. And you guys kind of blew him off early.

I sat on the hour on the bus talking to this kid about politics and about his beliefs. I forgot about that. Wasn't the name spike something like that it was something like spike he was really twinkie really you know yeah and then for an hour we're talking and i'm like really that's great that's so interesting i go you ever suck a dick out of nowhere did you really remember that you and colin just fell over no just an hour of letting this kid talk about everything and i go you ever suck a dick oh jesus did that shut him up he was shocked that was with tracy remember tracy the broad the woman No. Because it was just an hour of letting this kid talk about everything. And I go, did you have a second date? Oh, Jesus.

Did that shut him up? He was shocked. That was with Tracy. Remember Tracy? The broad. The woman. Yeah. To tell them she was like a real boss.

She had to be. She's with a bunch of comedian assholes. And she's trying to keep us in line. And she'd be kind of over motherly and yelling at us. And so one night. You know what? Fuck that. we were bad mouthing here's the deal i've been fucking you know covering up because i might go on another uso tour or it's not i'm not going on another uso tour they haven't brought me back i'm not

fucking the guy so i'm going to call it like it is right the fuck now because i've been covering for this asshole for a long time we always bring it up like no she had to treat us this way you didn't we're not assholes you didn't need to talk to us like that she treated us like fucking idiots like little kids like little kids over and all right we need to go but she treated colin like a like didn't say shit to him no he had the best credit yeah so we would get to that point i had an evening at the improv on my resume right i had fucking nothing right and one tough crowd because colin forced them to put me on jeff singer was like no um so this lady would talk to us like assholes but we have to go we and i'm like look at i'm ready yeah right we have it's so we we got

frustrated with it because she started really treating us like shit and then we were staying in a dorm we're staying in a dorm. We were staying in a dorm and we started talking shit about it. At night. It's at night. It's a warm night. We're out front. And we're all talking trash about it for about an hour. And you got to know this as comics.

Our pastime. A thing that we do. We talk shit about each other. About everybody. About everybody. When I leave here, he's, Nick, you're going to talk shit about me to your wife. I mean. No. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I i'm just joking you're one of the three people i like in the business no you know what i mean we talk shit about everybody i have a bit about talking shit

about people right here it is let me slip it in right now i'm working on it one of the phrases i hate the most people go he's a good guy never has a bad word to say about anybody that's not a good guy he's a phony fuck i can't motherfuckers. I'll be at a red light. It's raining. I'm in my car. I'm like, look at this douchebag's umbrella. What a jerk off. Oh, there's a Puerto Rican in a BMW.

I'm sure he's a doctor. I'll just fucking, I can't stop. Then I'll look at my phone. It'll ring. And my mother, what the fuck does this broad want now? I just have nothing good to say about anybody. Yeah, but it's our thing. It is.

We're verbal punks. If we didn't do that, we wouldn't be able to come up anybody yeah but it's our thing it is it's we're verbal punks if we didn't do that we wouldn't be able to come up with jokes that's right you're on the attack at all time you're on the attack of all why does why do things do what they do so so tell them what happened when she comes on and catches us it's got to be 12 at night long day long night we start somebody brings something up and it was you know you know, someone, well, what about, you know, it always starts like, you know. What about her? It's like Colin's joke.

What do you think about, what's his name? Well, he's a, what do you think about? All right, he's kind of pushy. That's good enough. Shut the door. That's all we needed. One of us brought it up, and then we started just going, yeah, she's fucking pushy.

She's this and that, and we started trashing her. And all of a sudden, you two are going at it, really just fucking, just trashing her. I of a sudden you two are going at it really just fucking just trashing her i looked up and her there's an open window and i point to it and right when i point to it i remember you looked up calling one up and then we looked and we saw these little fat feet coming down the stairs and it was her and we were like oh god oh god she opens the door and she comes out she heard everything She goes Guys I'm very sorry

If I had stepped over any lines I don't mean to Be pushy to you guys I don't mean to be a jerk I just need you All of us to be We have to get to certain places And certain times

And if we don't We're gonna miss the And I am I apologize I will be more I will be I will be more considerate Of your feelings in the future

And she goes back in the future and she goes back in the door and she steps back out she goes next time you want to talk shit about somebody you might want to not do it under the open window and you went like this oh great there goes that fucking apology and i literally fell into a bush i fell into a bush she was in shock when i said it am i right though yeah you're right. Just apologize, then fucking... They were just fucking trashing her for 20 minutes. She was just sitting there probably crying in her bed with a Twinkie. Right?

These fucking idiots. I felt bad, but, you know... I did, too, for about three seconds. I know. That was fucking the best thing ever. It's not our fault the window was open. You're military. that was that was uh the other thing i remember about japan is going uh well uh stopping off and and you can get like

uh you can get like a uh you know you can order a pork chop out of a vending machine remember they had real food in it we got we went to mcdonald's in japan and i used uh we pull off the highway as a rest area and you shit standing up. They have a hole in the ground, which makes more sense when you think about it. You know how much food I ate on the plane. Yes, I do. On the way there. Yeah.

Remember the joke I made about you? Yeah. What was it? Because you were eating so much, you were getting so heavy. I said something about if he disgraces himself. Something about saving two faces. Remember? I forget.

Oh, God. I can't remember my own bits. It was something about... I remember you trashing me the whole way because I was... Saving two faces. I had the napkin over my belly. I was lying down eating because I've never been in business class. It was unbelievable, isn't it?

It was the first time I was in business class and and they just keep this food constantly, and I've never had that. That's what I said. What? If you embarrass yourself, you're going to have to save Two-Face. Something like that. So I kept, remember I kept going up to the cart? They left the cart in the aisle with desserts and cheeses and meats.

Yeah. And we had our meals. Yes. And then I would go to the cheese, meat, dessert cart and go bring back like a fucking loaf of bread. And all this cheese and meats and desserts. I ate so much on the plane. We get to the airport. I run to the bathroom.

I got video of this too. There was a hole in the ground. And I didn't understand. I thought there was a toilet like it broke. So they were fixing it. I went to the next door. There's a hole in the ground. That's right.

So I'm like, oh my God. So I had to the next one. There's a hole in the ground. That's right. So I'm like, oh my God. So I had to get fully naked. I didn't know how to balance myself. That's right. You had to take your pants off. You have to take your pants off to shit. A Sandusky wet dream. So, but if you went three toilets down,

there was a regular American toilet. There was? Yeah. That's news to me 12 years later. They have. I'm shitting like a bear. Yeah. It was the worst. regular american toilet i just there was yeah that's news to me 12 years later they have i'm they i'm shitting like a bear yeah it was the worst being nude there's something odd about there's something wrong about being nude in a in a bathroom unless you're a republican senator now listen but uh yeah that's no yeah yeah you get your pants off and you're under a completely

off somebody busts in? It just doesn't feel like if something happens. And you're shitting into a crock pot. You're like, where are the onions and carrots? How long do we let this stew for? People are banging. I know. I know.

Relax. It's the first time I've shit standing up. Which, you know what, makes more sense. This is why Asians are way ahead of us. It makes more sense than sitting. You know how we sit? Yeah. Even doctors will tell you. You're bending your intestine you know when you sit you're like this yeah well you can buy this thing which i just ordered i'm digging a hole in the back yeah by the way it's a it's a it's a bench a shit bench and you go is that the name

of it no it's not the name of it but it's like a little thing where your stool so what happens is it goes around the bottom of your toilet and then when you go to take a pool you push it out you put your let your feet up like this i'm not having triplets i'm taking a dump what are you seriously it may it's a birthing chair basically it's a little stool for your feet to go up norton has it in his house he uses it uses it when he has a date i love just throwing them at you I love just throwing them at you. Norton's dates get there. The girls open the door, and he's got a thing of prunes on the table,

three quarts of black coffee, and a couple of... What do you call this thing you take to give yourself the poops? Ah, Jesus. Yeah, you put your feet up. Why can't you, why do you need something to buy something? Why don't you just put your feet up? You can't hold your feet up that high.

You can't hold your feet up like that. You hurt your back. Sure. Yeah, you put your feet up so it puts you in shit position sitting on a regular American toilet. That's what it does. Shit position is what I'm doing now. I'm on a radio in my basement for no money. Ah,'re making some money yeah i am absolutely yeah i'm kidding this is

actually good yeah you got some sponsors i do how are the gigs filling up a lot of fans oh yeah you can't get into my shows it's like a who concert in 72 what are you shitting me there's echoes everywhere shut up no it's not no they're coming out i'm actually starting to hear look i've only been doing this since november right yeah so i'm actually starting to hear. Look, I've only been doing this since November, right? Right, yeah. So I'm actually starting to hear people at the shows say, yeah, we listen to the podcast. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, absolutely. Because the greatest thing about a podcast, other than Twitter and Facebook and all this shit, the social media, that you don't know who follows you, who's your fan. It's just a click. But to have a fan of a podcast,

they actually have to do something. They have to go download it and listen to it that's a fan of yours that's a true fan of yours not ona's i guess anything else that's sad that's what separates a fan from a real fan well i mean two clicks of the mouse well you can go on a radio show and someone can just click on you and follow you and it doesn't mean mean anything. That doesn't mean they're going to go to your show. They heard you on a radio. They follow you and you say some shit once in a while that they laugh at and whatever. But on a podcast for a comic, it's the best social media out there. Fuck Facebook.

Fuck. This is. See, I'm glad you're saying this because Bobby, you jumped on this wagon quick. I'm not just talking about podcasts, all the stuff. You always Facebook, all that shit. You were ahead of everybody a little bit curve-wise. So I do respect your opinion when it comes to that. Because my web guy has been singing to me for years, my buddy Mike Baker.

And I feel like saying, even now, I feel like going, dude, you've been singing this shit to me eight years. My numbers are about the same. Right. After all this shit. But this seems to be, this podcast is starting to make a little bit of impact. Fuck yeah. First of all, you're giving them actual something.

It's not just a funny joke in 140 characters or a Facebook rant. That's great too. You're actually talking to them for an hour, an hour, hour and a half, whatever it goes. Once a week, right? So you're giving them some content and something to be a fan of other than your stand-up. So now they're listening to this, and then when you say, look, I'm coming to your town, I want to go see you do what you really do.

I'm going to go see your fucking comedy now. Well, that's true, and I treat this different than I do my stand-up. I mean, i don't reveal well i mean i reveal how i vote people can tell politically where i stand but i don't i don't do much autobiographical stuff i talk about me and the wife a little bit but i the first few podcasts i did here i was treating it as let them you know this is what i did tuesday night uh you know yeah what i gotta fight with my paper boy. Let him into stuff that, during the day. And a little bit of that goes a long way.

You saved me a ticket. Because I listened to your show. And one day you told me you got a fucking ticket coming up the highway. Oh, that's right. At this certain spot where I'm always, I got to come up there too. Yes. And I always do. Keep an eye out for that guy.

No, I did. I listened to your show on show him Down to the cellar And then on the way back I slowed down The cop was right around The fucking corner And pegged the guy behind me And how stupid am I

I'm coming home from Point Pleasant this weekend Saturday night Another ticket No But he wasn't there Friday night So Saturday night

I'm coming around that corner Again His speed limit is 45 I'm about doing 60 Out of the corner of my eye, I see him. I lock him up. Luckily, there's like three cars with me. You know what I mean?

But I would have got busted again. I'm driving all the way from Point Pleasant. You got to get that app Waze. Yeah, you showed me that. On iPhone. If you plug it in, it's social. So every, like I'm using it, you You're using it All these people are using it So we're driving up the street

I'm gonna say Oh there's a cop here I hit a button on the thing And say cop So now there's a Now everybody behind me Who has ways Is gonna know

There's a fucking cop up here So I should get rid of my CB radio You have a CB You know Joe Iannetti Yes You know him right Throat By the way he has cancer

What I heard he has cancer. What? I heard he has throat cancer from Johnny Peezy. Are you kidding me? Johnny Peezy told me that. What, are you kidding me? What the fuck is going on? I don't know. I don't know.

Another funny SOB. I was his best man at his wedding. Are you serious? And you didn't know this? Are you kidding me? Apparently you guys have gone adrift. That's what I heard from Johnny Peezy. I hope the Gotti's a wedding. Are you serious? And you didn't know this? Are you kidding me? Apparently you guys have gone adrift. That's what I heard from Johnny Peezy.

I hope the God is all right. I got to, Peezy, get back to him on Facebook. Throat fucking cancer. That's what Johnny Peezy told me. He hasn't smoked in years. You don't have to.

Oh, was he a smoker? Was. How do you get fucking throat cancer? You don't have to. Cancer can strike anywhere. You know what I mean? This fucking age

is just fucking... Well, yeah. I mean, look what you're eating and, you know. I'm actually juicing. I... Oh, Jesus Christ. Not steroids. I mean, you know.

Yeah, I know. I throw kale into a blender. Unbelievable. I can't believe that, dude. That's what I heard from Johnny Pizzi. So, I don't want to throw out unconfirmed information, but Johnny Pizzi's a sweetheart. He told me about Jon Panette two minutes after it happened. I got to call Joe.

I got to fucking call Joe. You know, we don't talk that much anymore because he's always on the boats. He's always on the cruise ships. I didn't know that. He goes one to another to another. And then every once in a while when he was in town, he'd call me and he'd come over to the house. But, you know, I love Joe. But, you know, it's a weird, you know, ever since.

Is he like a born again or something? No. No? No. Something different. What changed? I don't know. Maybe.

I don't know. I don't think so. I thought he got real religious. Maybe not born again. He got religious way back in the day. Did he? Yeah, but it was bullshit. What do you mean?

That born again shit last year. What, did he go on stage dressed like a Muslim, you mean? What is born again? What is born? Is it eight months? Is that an eight-month cycle on that? It's like the flu. No, this guy.

It's fine. Dude, born again is horseshit. Anybody who says they're born again, I guarantee in a year from now, you're going to see them fucking banging hook well no there's no there's a you've been in new york a long time jimmy uh jim uh he was on jim ho oh god this is what happens with two hours sleep he was on uh tim allen show italian from brooklyn jim jimmy coll, he's a friend of Colin's. Real funny guy. Not a great comic, but really funny. So much so,

Tim Allen met him. Rich Voss. Oh shit, sorry. No. Anyways, he was a Brooklyn, like,

very funny, that wise guy persona. Tim Allen loved him so much, he threw him on his show. Joey Cola? No. Jimmy something. Joey Cola's very funny.

Jimmy something. I can't believe I can't think. Anyways, he became a born again a long time ago, and he's still down in Florida doing it. Really? I couldn't believe. I guarantee you. Oh, maybe. Being a born again is like falling off the wagon.

Well, Dennis Mill said, hey, excuse me for getting it right the first time. That's the best line about being born again. Yeah, every born again I know, I'm like, wow, that's great. And, oh, yeah yeah every born again i know i'm like wow that's great and oh yeah jesus and all that are great and then a couple years later it's like what happened to your marriage oh she wound up having sex with a woman i thought she was born again i know what are you doing uh he's got long hair some type of goatee well who's that um just a lot of people a lot of people a lot of people a lot lot of people? A lot of people. A lot of fucking people. Born again.

Go fucking. You know? That's sad about Joe, man. Jesus Christ. That's what Johnny Peasy said. What a fucking... He's like a Medford guy. He's Boston. He's Boston.

That's right. He's fucking true and true East Boston. Yeah. No, those are... That's where the crooked ginsaloons... Yeah, that's where you can, you know, open your window and get a cup of coffee from your neighbor through their window. That's right.

There's literally. Right next to each other. Right next to each other. Those three deckers. Yeah, three deckers. And a lot of, you know, the guys, you know, a lot of the fellas, let's say. Yeah. East Boston is a big.

I used to hang out with Joe all the time when I lived. I lived on Shirley Ave with Maria Falzoni. Remember her? Maria falzoni remember her maria falzoni yeah she's a comic from boston yeah she's still doing it she's given i think now she's giving us born again she was she became born again she did i was kidding she would go on the road and like madonna she'd go on the road she come back from san francisco she was a gay you know she's like women. Really?

Yeah, she went to, you know, wine country. All of a sudden, she was a wine connoisseur. You know, one of those people. I come back from a road trip. I hate women. Yeah, she... I lived in her house. Me, Joey Carroll. What the fuck is his name?

Rapucci? Larry Rapucci? Oh, God. Jim Lalletta? Jimmy Lalletta, who's... He's out. He's gonna be now. Yeah, he's gay.

No, he is. No, I'm kidding. He came out a lot. He came out right before he moved in there. Jimmy Lalletta, and he would kill it, Nicks. He would... His big... His closing bit, he'd do an imitation of Roy Schneider in Jaws.

Remember the sheriff or whatever you call him? Yeah. And he would put whatever you call him? Yeah. And he would put an elastic band around his face. He would push his nose down like, it looked just like Roy Schneider. And you know what? I saw it a thousand times

and would laugh at it a thousand times. Yeah, he was funny, man. Yeah, I mean, he rocked the joint. So what the hell else did I want to talk to you about? Well, I was at Uncle Vinny's this weekend, which was great. And you know, people laugh. I'llny's this weekend, which was great.

And, you know, people laugh. I'll do these gigs until I'm 1,000. Go down there and Point Pleasant. Yeah. I was there two weeks ago. You know, you can try 12 minutes of new stuff at a time. Who cares if it doesn't fly? And I'd murder any time.

Friday night was, you know, it was like Saturday night you couldn't move in there. It was, you know, wall to wall. It's like a small small community it's like you kill and they go ah this guy's great and they they know who i am after being there 19 times but you can try chunks of new stuff which is invaluable i get so much done yeah and i record it it's the best and that's how and they and they laugh at everything they bring their own booze they don't have a liquor license. Okay? So they bring their own booze. You see people with coolers under the table. I'm like, where's your blanket? Are we going to watch a fireworks in 10 minutes?

What the fuck? It's unbelievable. Right? And they give me good dough. And I run down there. I have my little, I get there a little early sometimes. I was like, Friday night was early. So I pulled into a liquor store and i had a miller light and then i'm supposed to be on stage at like 10 of 10 or 10 yeah i run it at you know

9 49 they bring me right on yep i do my hour i'm back in my car before they can even yeah pay for their food it's the best and you're back back. I'm home by 1. Yeah. No, 1230. They're fucking great clubs. It's 101 miles from here, by the way. I will do a one-nighter in Jersey, you know, and there's a bunch of them. Yeah. There's a bunch of them. I will do a one-nighter fucking all day long.

There's nothing better than doing a gig. Because here's what happens when you go on these road shows. They'll spread you out. They'll give you so many shows that you cannot sell out because look here's the deal i'm not famous famous where people are just going to buy tickets just to look welcome to the club okay i'm just funny so people who're going to come see me i could sell out a couple shows but but if you're going to spread me out over the whole week you know that i'm not going to sell out and then you're also on top of that you're're going to spread me out over the whole week, you know that I'm not going to sell out. And then you're also on top of that.

You're not going to give me the chance to sell out or to see where you're going to give away tickets. You got four or five kids in a room calling up going, you just won 20 free tickets. 20 free. You know how I know this? I used to do it for Dick Doherty. So it's horrible what they've turned it into. Yeah. So there's no way you're going to sell out.

There's no way you're going to build up a clientele or a fan base by doing that many shows. Okay? But when you go and do these one-nighters, they will pack that fucking place out. You'll make just as much money, maybe a little less. Okay? If you do the math. On some of them, that's why, and again, I understand people, and I get fans, and why don't you come out to California?

Because I don't want to fly six hours when I can drive over the GW Bridge and get paid in one night what you're going to get me for five shows. And that's the case a lot of times. And get something done. In other words, try new stuff with no damage. Not that it's going to damage your career if you bomb for a few minutes of the improv. It will. I'm going to Tempe, do you believe? I few minutes of the improv it will i'm going to tempe do you believe i'm flying to tempe yeah and in about 10 days i said yes to the improv in

tempe which i have a soft spot in that club because it's arizona that politically they love my right wing stuff but it's not going to be packed you know i mean it's a big place to tempe improv huge but i did a young comedian special that i have a soft spot in my heart for this play and i remember having a good time i did it last year but i don't you know i don't want to fly that i got and people but why not why because i've been doing it 27 years motherfucker i earned but here's the thing too though if you do bomb at these places yeah these uh managers or whatever will report you well i won't almost i would never bomb for the whole hour but i'm saying even to pick uh even to pick 10 minutes where you experiment yeah you know i mean you

feel an obligation like i was at caroline's last weekend and it's packed on the saturday night show and you know you got to work tight when there's that many people there you can't fuck around and uh by the way i haven't got my check from Caroline yet okay so how many shows five five yeah good shows they were good yeah I had a good time good I like Brandon you know I like Caroline they they gotta police the room better yeah every so what Bobby what's the deal every every so we've given up the battle um cell phones are allowed in comedy clubs yeah and that's it that's it nobody given up here's what you have to do and this is gonna hurt how about jamming the signal you can't you you you have to tell somebody at the beginning grab a bouncer your guy look at the guy and go you are my guy yeah and dude i

don't know such person at caroline's but go ahead but this is what i do i'll go to the club and i'll go look at i don't want this kick him the fuck out if they're talking during the middle don't know such person at Caroline's, but go ahead. But this is what I do. I'll go to the club and I'll go look at. I don't want this. Kick him the fuck out. If they're talking during the middle, don't let them get to me. Just get them out. You can give them one warning. I want people to enjoy the show, but fuck you.

If someone's on their phone, you go up to them. I'm not me. You go up to him and tell him to get off the phone. And you really it's when I worked at the juvie hall they always told me be an asshole because it's easier to lighten up than it is to harden up and with these clubs what were you doing at the juvie hall i worked for the i worked there when i got out sir what were you no when i got out later i became a counselor at one of the places that i was in i went back to become a counselor and the main thing was being a because because you're one of them

you want to be friendly with them because you know them but be an asshole because when you're nice to them down the road they're going to appreciate it more if you come in and be nice and then you try to be an asshole they'll tell you to go fuck yourselves it's the same thing with a comedy club if if these people know that if they fuck up like when you go to a theater you think these broads these hot broads are going to whip their fucking cell phone out at a theater? No, because someone's going to walk up, some old crutchety cunt, okay, who's been working there for fucking 20 years, is going to kick them out. It's just going to kick them out. That's it.

Well, apparently it happens on Broadway, too. You read about it on paper. Really? Brian Denny, just a couple of years ago, chewing out, doing Death of a Salesman. Right? He's right in the middle about it on paper. Really? Brian Denny, just a couple years ago, chewing out, doing Death of a Salesman. Right? He's right in the middle but he stopped. Really?

And chewed some people out there on their phone. What happened to them? Well, they booted the people, I think. Yeah, get them the fuck out. There was so many of them going. And it's, again,

it's mostly chicks, not to pick on chicks. I go, what are you doing? And they always go, I have kids at home. Then I go, what the fuck are you doing here? Yeah.

Go home and take care of the future criminals. Go. How's this? Get the fuck up and go to the bathroom. Get the fuck up and go take a piss. No, it is. And it's always women, by the way. Well, I've had, I've told guys to shut off their phones, but they do it very quickly.

Women will pout, cross their arms. All of a sudden. And keep doing it and turn it back on five minutes later. This is what aggravates me. How am I the bad guy for telling you? That's the world that we've developed. How am I the asshole for telling you to get off your phone because you have a penis during a live show

that you were already told not to get on the phone? How am I the asshole? That's the generation we've raised. Why are you mad at me? I know. Shouldn't I be mad at you? Yes.

Shouldn't I be? I point this out at every club. Yes. I go, now I'm the dick. Right, folks? And they'll side with the people with the phone sometimes.

They do. And I go, okay, book it. Yeah, I don't understand that because they feel bad for her for some reason because I was mean or something by telling her not to but what about the original fucking fuck you that she gave me like that they always gloss over

that part of the formula they always do it's a fucking weird thing and i think the only way to get over it is just to ignore it but how do you ignore it i mean it's that's so personal to be on stage right and and then have somebody just turn on a phone. That means whatever I was saying is not important to you. You have to take it personally. Anyways, I've done better than I thought because I've been known to fly off a lot less than that. I've mellowed it out a little bit. Anyways, I guess that's about it.

Real quick, opinions about Colbert? Taking over for letterman as long as look man this might hurt my fucking every chances of ever getting on it but as long as he's not that i hate i don't like that character that'll that that broad character that ironic thing that a lot of these snl guys or these guys do hey well if he's gonna do that well i'm gonna stick it to him like this we have to i don't i can't watch that it's not a fan of it as long as you don't like well colbert is very specific his character is mocking basically bill o'reilly if he's not gonna be able to do he's not gonna use that persona if he could be just a regular guy well

he has to be bobby all right he can't he can be just a regular guy. Well, he has to be Bobby. All right. He can't be doing a character. He has to be himself. And yeah, because I can't see that distant irony is what they call it. Yes. But you know what? I've met Stephen Colbert a long time ago, a tough crowd, and I liked him. And he's obviously super bright and funny. But yeah, it's going to be interesting to see how his own, you know,

his actual personality is going to fly, which probably he's a talented guy. I mean, I think I'll pull it off. I'm really loving Jimmy Fallon. I'm really loving his – he stepped up his game. Oh, he's a super talented guy. But too much rah-rah on that show. Too much positive. I don't – this is – and this is the only thing, and Seth Meyers too, I love both these guys.

But when they come through the curtain and they're clapping, that makes me crazy. It's your house, dude. You're the king. Although I understand in today's interactive where the fans and you are on the same level, but I hate that. What are you applauding when you come through the curtain for? You know what I mean? You don't,

they're applauding for you. Yeah, that's a good point. I just, I want to see him, he's almost like a fan but I guess that's good. Today,

that's the right mentality to have but I like Johnny Carson, that was his, he was the king. You know what I mean? Or even Jay or Letterman,

it's your show, you're the boss. But that's when men were men. I mean, that's the greatest generation. I like Bolton's guy. Fallon can do anything, man. He can do anything musically, impressions. He's great.

He's quick and he's funny. He's a good interviewer. I haven't seen enough. Some of these guys suck at interviewing. Some of these guys always turn it around to them. Yeah. That's true. That's true. Jimmy doesn't have... He's very humble. He's really good at that. Some of these guys always turn it around to them. That's true. Jimmy doesn't have...

He's really good at that. He's not a bottom. And Seth is good too. Seth Meyers is so comfortable in his own skin and so likable. I watch these guys and they really make it look pretty damn easy. There's so much

with the Tonight Show. It seems so rah-rah and everything. It has to, right? Well, he's a young make it look pretty pretty damn easy but yeah i just there's so much well the tonight show seems so rah-rah and every but uh yeah it's well because it has to right well he's a young i know he's a younger guy man you gotta forget that you know that doesn't mean i don't want to do the show jimmy by the way i think i think um i think it'll be all right i'd like to i can't wait to see what what he if he's himself i think it would be uh interesting to see yeah he's gonna have to be is it gonna be new york oh i don't know you know because la is putting a push on to pull it out there well i mean what guests are they gonna have usually it's ones on either coast so you can get the people that are

in la and you fly there do you know what i mean well no but still most of the most of the famous people and showbiz are in la right yeah That's why the Tonight Show moved there originally. We're going to have the Tonight Show in New York. Right. And the Late Show in New York. We could have it all. We're going to have all of them. But they're pushing.

Yeah. They're pushing to get it. People in L.A. are pushing to get Colbert out there, but I hope not. They should. Yeah? Yeah, they should have one in L.A. Spread it out. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, Chelsea Handler. Is she going to get... She's in the West Coast. Yeah, but the show's canceled. Let them have out. Fuck yeah. Yeah, Chelsea Handler. Is she going to get... She's in the West Coast. Yeah, but the show's canceled. Let them have her. The show's gone. It is? Yeah.

You're kidding me, because it was so funny. Did you ever do it? I'm out of here. I'll do comics on leash before I do that one. Coming up. Nick... What the hell's going on out here? Exactly.

This is the fucking best. Let me tell you something about this thing you set up. By the way, Bobby's on riotcast.com. He's the one who got me into this. Yeah. So he's like a founder, right? Yeah. You and Rob Sprantz?

Yeah. So, you know, you've obviously, your show's, you know, been out there a lot longer than mine. You know what? Yeah, but this show is great. This show's a great show, man. Well, as long as the people move up to Westchester. And this area,

this office, so this room. It's a good space. It's a studio. Are you going to show me how to put in cameras and shit and do what you're doing? Whatever you want, dude.

Absolutely. You and Sprantz, I'm ready. You ready for cameras? I think so. Yeah? Cameras would be good. I put makeup on today. All you need is two cameras. Cameras, but it's a little more complicated, right? Technology- cameras? I think so. Yeah. Cameras would be good. I put makeup on today. All you need is two cameras.

Cameras. But it's a little more complicated, right? Technology wise? No. That's what he kept saying. No. Sprints. No.

Is he just being lazy? No. Sprints. You do two cameras. You do a split shot. We'd set it up. You hit a button. It goes out live.

People watch the show live. And then you throw it up on YouTube. And people can watch the show. See? You're already miles ahead of me yeah i should be doing that i like this though this is kind of private you fuck up you can hit we just have to all we'd have to do with this is set up some lighting that's it you'd have to get one light here and one light here and you'd be done and then you could put

put fucking all this this is a great studio dude this i know it's beautiful i know you look i can have people sitting at that counter yeah with with like you know. Get some porno chicks just sitting up there topless. Oh, yeah. The wife's going to fly for that. All right. Well, we put shirts on them. Talk to her upstairs. All right, buddy.

Robert Kelly. Any gigs you want to plug? We got a gig. Where's our gig? We're doing May 1st. It's me and Robert Kelly at Harrah's in Atlantic City, baby. You and I, we did Mount Airy Casino. It was awesome.

Back in December, it was a blast. In and out. Let's go down with your new vehicle. Yes. All right. Honda Pilot. It was great. We had a great time.

Honda from Tarrytown. Got to plug in. I'll be at the Tempe Improv the 25th through the 27th. That's Tempe, Arizona. So come on out. And do I got it all? Tempe Improv, the 25th through the 27th. That's Tempe, Arizona. So come on out. And do I got it all? I got it all, I guess.

Yeah, Robert, thank you. This was... Yeah, anytime, bro. Be a regular. We're 10 minutes from each other. I'll come down to you. Oh, you do it in the city. Yeah, we do it. I'll do it again.

I'm overdue to do yours. Yeah, come back on. All right, man. All right. That was the great Robert Kell. Nick DiPaolo signing off. Kids, wash your asses, and I'll talk to do yours. Yeah, come back on. All right, man. All right. That was the great Robert Kell. Nick DiPaolo signing off. Kids, wash your asses, and I'll talk to you soon. Good night until we meet again.

Adios, au revoir, I'll be this way. guitar solo guitar solo Bye.