The Nick DiPaolo Show - 026 - Patriot's Day...New and Improved

Episode Date: April 21, 2014

Patriot's Day...New and Improved

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, what's up kids? Patriots Day 2014. An American won the marathon today. Yeah. Yeah. What the hell is his name? It's a real American name. I know that, you know. That's right.

It's a Meb Kefla Ziggy. It's right. I'm making that up. He's from San Diego. I'm guessing naturalized citizen but whatever um apparently he um former new york city marathon champion and olympic olympic uh silver medalist you got olympic athletes running against like uh housewives and shit and janitors and i guess it's open to everybody he did uh he did the 26 miles in two hours and eight minutes and 37 seconds god damn two hours and eight minutes 26 miles guy's got the fucking lung capacity of a blue

whale he must because he beat a kenyan by 11 seconds you know the kenyans nobody beats the kenyans of marathons i wonder if this is going to be one of those cases where we find out uh you know he took the t which is the equivalent of mass transportation in boston Remember that broad jumped on a subway one year? I think that was actually happened in New York, too. Yeah, man. Two hours and eight minutes.

37 seconds. Last American guy to win the Boston Marathon was Craig Meyer in 1983. And Craig Meyer in 1983. And Kev Keflezgi, Ziggy, also the first American to win the Boss Marathon since prize money was first awarded in 1986.

When he won the New York City Marathon in 2009, first by an American since 82. Wow. This guy ain't playing. in 2009. First by an American since 82. Wow. This guy ain't playing. Anyways, yeah, so it was a year ago that the tragedy took place obviously. I'm glad

we finally run another one and we can put this behind us because I'm, you know, I was hesitant to say this, but I was getting a little tired of this Boston Strong stuff. Every time I put on TV for the last two weeks, I understand it's the year anniversary. And I'm not trying to be insensitive to the victims, obviously. But you get, I don't know, we start to wallow in our own pity sometimes, it seems like, you know.

It just, and I didn't want to say that. But then finally I read online today an article about Bostonians feel that way. Actually, people who live in the city are like, let's demonstrate we're strong and stop talking about it or whatever. So I kind of felt that way, too. I didn't want to say anything. I'm getting a little coy in my old age. But you got to move on, man. So finally, you know, put it behind us.

It's been a year, and obviously people's lives have changed forever but christ you gotta you know you gotta act strong you can't keep wallowing and talking about it i mean you can but i don't think it helps anybody you know what i'm saying so uh and the red socks played today and uh they got beat. They look shabby right now, to be honest with you. But they're not healthy. No Victorino. And no Middlebrooks. So, yeah, they were down 7-0 and made a comeback, valiant comeback.

And the final was 7-6. It came up a little short. So, I'm flying solo, by the way. I actually text Joe List last night to see if he wanted to do it because we seem to have a good chemistry. And so I'm told by the tweets. He went to the Red Sox game up in Boston

and to the marathon. So, that's about it. Yeah, so the Sox look shabby. You know, maybe they ought to change their fucking mascot. Speaking of Boston Strong, I'm watching the Sox yesterday. They got this mascot called Wally, you know, as in the green monster. It's a green. He's supposed to be a green monster.

Wally, wall, get it? Anyways, he's supposed to be a monster. He's a big smiling pussy fucking glorified Muppet. You know, of course, if you make it menacing looking, you're going to scare the kids, which connects to what I was just, point i was making can we can we toughen up a little bit it's a fucking big smiley dumb mask i hate all mascots at baseball games there's no need for them save that for the uh college football shit um uh staying with baseball and i'm not going to do scores and stuff because I realize a podcast you guys could listen to this a month from now a week from now or whatever a year from now who

knows but uh still in the realm of baseball there was a few interesting things yesterday this guy uh Carlos Gomez for the Milwaukee Brewers young guy uh real cocky um he's the guy that uh last year he hit a home run I I think, up the Braves. And when Kevin McCann, Yankees' current catcher, was playing for the Braves, he hit a home run and he really styled it up and watched it and flung his bat and really hot-dogged it. So McCann got in his face and it started some pushing. Well, he did it again yesterday.

And against the Pirates, he hit a fly ball to center field i think it ended up going off the wall but uh you know he flings the bat because he thought it was a obviously a home run although he said in the paper after he thought it was going to be caught and it's like okay so you're styling when you hit a fly ball anyways he ended up getting a triple out of it and it pissed off the pitcher the pitch went over to third base and put his two sets in and Gomez barked back and then a few other guys the next thing you know the bench is empty a good one too there's actual punches thrown but he's a really cocky kid um but you know I watched the replay and I've seen more egregious behavior when somebody hits a ball they think is gone.

But, you know, he wouldn't apologize for it. And, you know, we get enough of this shit in football. So just fucking act like an adult, could you, please? So, yeah, a big brawl broke out. And a guy for the Brewers, Maldonado, threw a sucker punch. And just, you know, in the middle of the brawl. So, yeah, this kid's sort of uh unrepent and just uh i don't know if he's going to continue to do this but if he is you're going to see a lot of more baseball fights a lot more bean balls because the pitchers hate that shit um real

cocky kid so but i see other guys doing it now you know manny for the socks used to fling his bat but usually that's when he blasted one and he knew it was gone this kid the ball's not even going out of the ballpark and he's do it and after the game's like i gotta apologize for doing my job those guys can go fuck themselves you yeah. Yeah, he sounds just like Tony Montana. Anyways, gets a triple butt, starts a nice brawl. And the other thing that happened, and again, if you're the pitcher,

beat him the next time, that's all. Put one under his chin, put one in his ear hole. And that might stop that behavior. I really believe in eye for an eye or whatever, you know? It's real simple. Like, people sneaking over the board, you shoot one, they won't do it anymore. It's real easy. Somebody styles it to play, you drill him in the back the next time and not gonna do it it's a nice deterrent and the other thing was bryce harper for the gnats you

know him mr superman he's like 21 years old and uh him and trout are the two youngest uh although trout is it left him in the dust he's like in a league by his own, but by himself, I should say. Anyways, Bryce Harper, who's known, you know, he's a cocky kid too. He hits one back to the pitcher like a ground ball, and this is a couple days ago, and doesn't run it out. And so the coach benches him. And you know what? I'm all for hustle and all that stuff, but I watched his replay.

It was like, you know, a hard ground ball back to the the pitcher he's not even two steps out of the batter's box and the pitch has got the ball are you really supposed to sprint as hard as you can in that situation and i'm uh i love the pete rose and i'm off of that joe hustle shit but i don't know about this one i don't know that matt williams is his coach benched him uh you know come on he's gonna what risk tearing a hamstring when he's gonna be out by 100 you know by 88 feet that's what it is it's 90 feet people go it's only 90 feet you should run it out yeah but uh the pitchers got the ball i've only gone a foot i, so I didn't agree with that one. I got to be honest with you.

And I'm all for hustle and stuff, but it would look silly if you put your head down. You're not even out of the batter's box. The pitch is about to throw at the front. I don't know. I thought that was a little too hard ass. And I never usually defend laziness, but I don't really call that laziness. Jesus Christ. If the guy made a bad throw to first, you're still going to get there,

in my opinion, if you have Bryce Harper's speed at least. But I thought that was a little much by Mitch Williams, but he's old school. So, you know, I understand if it's a fucking ground ball to second or whatever, or a short or the third, or even a base hit and you jogged in on me. But there's absolutely zero in a million chances you're going to make it to first. So he badged him. Those are the two things that get under my skin. What the hell else um oh yeah the other one other baseball thing that's irritating me sunday night baseball on espn

please tell the announcers to shut the fuck up for five seconds god damn it it's crook and the other guy and crook knows his stuff and i like john crook but they don't and it's not their fault these ex-jocks who become broadcasters you know espn you gotta train them you gotta have guys who do it for a living. Tell them you got to let the game breathe. I thought John Miller and Joe Morgan were the worst. I used to mute them because they would just talk in circles while the game was going on and just drive me nuts. And finally, so I'm like, all right, only two guys in a booth this year. And I think that's because Curt Schilling is fighting cancer and leukemia. So it's Kruk and the other guy.

Forget his name. It doesn't matter. The point is they won't stop talking, and they fucking overanalyze everything. They're talking about the shift for 12 minutes straight, and they don't even comment on what's going on on the field. It makes me nuts. It's like sitting at a game next to two chatty broads, and you're trying to watch

the game and they won't shut the fuck up i finally muted them i watched the last few innings in dead silence and it was beautiful just over analysis and making the game sound way more complicated than it is and and just just the most uh this minutiae that doesn't even need to be talked about and yapping and yapping and yeah let it breathe guys let it breathe they're probably trying to they feel like they have to justify their contracts i don't know you know but it's baseball it's tv you're not doing radio we can see Just, you know, every once in a while, address the game. You know, but don't... It's such a slow game, I guess.

I don't even know... What happened to one announcer? How about one announcer in the booth? How about Vin Scully and the ball kangarooed into the stands? How about one guy? Isn't that enough? Do you need a color guy, really? Isn't the play-by-play guy enough for baseball driving me fucking nuts talking about just talking about guys in triple

a that you've never heard of and why they're strong uh why milwaukee has depth this year, and just shit that'll put you into a coma. Please, let it breathe, would you? It's hard to watch. Any baseball is hard to watch. You have to watch in the NHL playoffs. And again, folks, I know you've heard me say this before, and I'm a football fan. Football is by far my favorite, but playoff hockey, I watched the first round of almost every game this weekend because

it was easter weekend i'll get to that um and uh what better excuse to lay around and eat it's almost worse than thanksgiving but uh i i just i i can't believe as uh i can't believe you can be a sports fan and watch three minutes of playoff nhl hockey and not become a huge fan of hockey. It's just unbelievable. It's so fast and violent. And I don't mean fights violent. I mean vicious body checks, clean checks. And they take it up like 10 notches in the playoffs.

You want to see athletes who really give a shit? Watch the NHL, especially during the playoffs, who really give a shit watch the nhl especially during the playoffs who really give a shit about winning it's crazy it's like life and death that's how they play it's just it was humble the goaltending and the body checking and just i just don't know how it's not a big sport man we always have this discussion me and uh colin quinn and and he makes a great point i think it's like it's the it's the sports that you played as a kid that you tend to follow as an adult and i think he's right and you know basketball uh it doesn't take much you don't need uh as a kid you don't need money you know um you need sneakers and and a schoolyard

somewhere with hoops or whatever and that's why i think it's you know basketball so much more popular but um hockey is expensive too i remember my my best friends when i was in like third and fourth grade going to they'd go to bed the night before because the only time they could get ice time at the rinks, you know, for practice, for peewee hockey or whatever, was sometimes at like 5 in the morning, 4 in the morning. They'd go to bed the night before with their hockey equipment on. But my parents couldn't afford to outfit me. It's a lot of equipment and shit.

But I think that's why basketball is so much more popular. But do me a favor. Please, please, if you're a basketball fan, just watch. It doesn't even matter what game it is. You could pick any of them. Flyers, Rangers, Bruins, Detroit, even Columbus Blue Jackets and Penguins. I watched that. That was as good as any of them and just unbelievable.

They go seven minutes. What other sport do you, tell me what other sport goes seven minutes, six, seven minutes sometimes without a whistle? It's just breathtaking, man, and vicious and violent. It's everything us Americans like. There's an occasional fist fight.

There's, you know, vicious body checking. I mean, the scoring. It's unbelievable. I can't get enough of the shit it's addicting. So, Easter weekend. Yeah, that's what I did, man. That's what I did. You know, Easter's, I'm not that religious, you know.

I'm not religious at all. I'll be perfectly honest with you. It's not that I, you know. I'm not religious at all, to be perfectly honest with you. It's not that I don't believe. It's not that I believe. I don't know. I think you call that agnostic. I don't have an opinion either way. I don't know what to believe.

But my mother still goes to church every Sunday. She's not overly religious, but she's gone every day. I mean, since she was a kid. Goes to church every Sunday. And my dad, not so much. The old man used to, I remember when we were kids, he'd lay in bed on a Sunday morning and yell at like me and my brother. You better get your asses up to that church or you're going to hell. And we're like, well, how come you're not going? He's like, I'm already in hell.

I married your mother. Woohoo. That was a big zinger. he's like, I'm already in hell. I married your mother. Woo-hoo! That was a big zinger. But, yeah, he used to yell at us to go to church and then, you know, go back to sleep.

He'd come up once in a while. He'd have to make an appearance. I don't think he dug the priest at our church. And one of them turned out to be a pedophile-type dude who tried to bring me and my brother to a Celtics game when we were like, I don't know, 10, 11 years old. I won't mention the pastor's name, but my old man put the Knicks on it. When he heard about it, he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. My mother's like, why not?

He's a good, my father said, no, they're not going. And we didn't even know back then. We didn't know me and my brother wanted to go to the celtics again we weren't sure guy was kind of scary looking back on it but it turned out later on he did get popped for something so the old man's instincts were right on yeah don't prejudge anybody bullshit so uh but i noticed my mother you know she's in her mid uh seven days my dad's in his late my mom's a lot getting older a lot more gracefully maybe that's true women do more than i don't know but i think it's a religious belief she is not that nervous about what's coming you know i mean my old man you can tell it it bothers him it makes me sad you know but uh yeah my mom seems to be taking aging in stride and because i think because she believes there's something better after this i don't know how

she believes huh you know but the old man seems a little uh you know like i'd be like most guys he ain't happy about it as uh betty dav said, getting old ain't for pussies. So, you know, Easter was a big thing when I was a kid. The most memorable Easter, and this is a true story. My grandfather used to make wine in his basement and used to let us kids step on the grapes. And no, we didn't do it barefoot, which to me seems like you're asking for disease. But they had rubber boots that they used to boil. And then my grandfather had a grapevine.

Can you imagine how old school Guinea is this? In his basement, and it was always right around Easter time. I remember stepping on the grapes one year. I'm in the thing. I'm in the big barrel stepping on them with rubber boots. Isn't this hilarious? And my sister Donna came from church or whatever, and she had her Easter. She still had her Easter dress on, and she fell in the grapes.

I don't know if my brother pushed her or she fell in. I never forget it, but I remember my old man yelling at her. She fell in the goddamn grapes with her beautiful uh easter dress on and i was stomping on the grapes and laughing my balls off which i wasn't supposed to do apparently um yeah so um you know back as kids we took easter more serious would have to you know reenact the crucifixion every year, would, you know, nail a couple of canoe paddles together and tie my father to it and tie it to his back and make him drag it up the street.

Would reenact crucifixion while we threw fruit at him. Yeah, true story. So I don't know. My mother's a believer. My dad pretended to be a believer. I don't know if he's a not i don't know where i stand i gotta be honest with you folks i just don't uh i don't hate people who believe in that stuff you know like bill maher i just don't understand that attitude i don't get

it oh those are the that's the real danger in the world i heard him saying on real time the people who are the people who believe there's an afterlife and an afterlife but they don't give a fuck what happens down here no it's just the opposite people who aren't people who don't believe there's a bigger bigger thing in them out there aren't afraid of anything they're the ones who live like there's no no fucking afterlife they're the dangerous ones in my opinion i know you get you know religious fanatics on both sides, you know. But, you know, people blowing themselves up, believing they're going to have sex with 72 virgins. I get it. But, you know, how about fucking Stalin?

And I think Hitler was atheist. How many million? How many millions died under those people? So, you know, I don't feel so angry at people who believe in, you know i don't i don't uh i don't feel mara so angry at people who believe in you know it's crazy you don't know neither side knows but uh i don't i don't see people lashing out who do believe in god lashing out at atheists you're a fucking asshole putting up billboards and shit people have too much time on their fucking hands, you know? I'm hoping there's something better than what's down here.

Not that I'm having a bad life, but Jesus Christ. Enough's enough already, huh? There's got to be a heaven. I only believe that because come on my mother my dad really you gotta put them somewhere the people you love the real good people I'm hoping there's something

I'm hoping it's like I don't know I'm hoping it's like heaven's like Fenway Park and I have box seats, third base side, and it's like 72 and sunny, and it's the Sox and Yanks for eternity. You know? Either that or it's Heidi Klum sitting on my face for a thousand years a thousand years what else kids speaking of getting old i think i am you know how i know i'm walking now and considering it exercise you know I mean I walk now like five miles a day outside because I live up here in beautiful Westchester um and I used to laugh at

people I used to laugh my balls off at people who walked don't get me wrong I'm not doing that speed walk where you see, you know, guy in his seventies, skinny guy, wiggling his ass and pumping his arms. Like he's almost running. I don't do that yet. I walk at a brisk pace, but I do it like manly way. Um, but I, I think this is going to be my, my, um, from here on in, this might be my primary exercise. I hate to admit it. I did that P90X, and I know I've brought it up before, man. You're supposed to do it for 90 days, and I did it, like I said, for 15 months.

Kind of overdid it. And I think it sucked every last ounce of what I have left of me to want to exercise. It squeezed it out. I'm tired. I started working out when uh when i was 13 i'm 52 that's 39 it's almost 40 years and you know what my knees are clicking and shit i know the next time if i ever play in like a uh pickup in a backyard football game you know sandlot or baseball or softball i can almost predict i'm

gonna blow out an acl on my right knee something's clicking there left one too actually and um it's from all the jumping around i did a p90 and i'm not blaming p90x because you're not supposed to do it like i said but 12 to 15 months straight but i think i overdid it and my i have fucking no hip mobility whatsoever man i have trouble just trouble just, you know, it's fucking weird, I swing my legs out when I'm getting out of my wife's car on the passenger side, like I'm in my late hundreds, so, yeah, so now I'm walking, and I walk along this, like, main drag, you go out the back way of my neighborhood. It's an access road to a highway. You know what I mean?

Two lane. It's a two lane. It's wide. So cars do like 55, 60. I always walk, by the way, facing the traffic with cars coming towards me. Because I told you that story that I got hit by a car when I was like 11 on my bike and ended up in the hospital for the week. And I got hit by a car when I was like 11 on my bike and ended up in the hospital for the week. And I got hit from behind. That lady came up from behind and got me like three inches from the curb.

So I trust nobody. You know, last thing you need. I don't trust anybody. No, you're out there walking around or you're jogging. And some broad will be, you know, some 18-year-old girl's texting to her friend while she's driving Clipshit. So I always walk with the traffic coming towards me but um that's what i do it's kind of i don't know man i have like two cups of coffee now i'm kind of addicted to it because it's so nice you know the scenery and everything looking at dead deer on the

side of the road it's been a dead deer it's weird it's been there for like two weeks every time i walk i seen it's not really decaying. The fuck is that? I think. Maybe McDonald's made it. It's full of preservatives. I actually got down on my knees. And I was looking at the dead deer's face. Yesterday. It reminded me of that kid in American Beauty.

When Kevin Spacey gets shot in the head at the end. And remember. His daughter's boyfriend comes down. And he's kind of looking at him smirking at him i'm looking at the deer's face like a weirdo and uh but uh yeah that's my um i think that's official that makes it official that i'm old it actually reminds me of uh when i'm always talking about aging athletically reminds me of a scene in The Sopranos.

You guys probably remember this. I was in the service. I won the chin-ups cup three weeks in a row. Pauly Walnut. Fucking beautiful definition, too. Guy asked me to model for the boxing poster. He was half a fag, but I was flat at just the same. Now, look at this

fucking wrinkles like an old lady's cunt that was when he was talking to Tony when Tony was in the coma and he's talking about getting old and how it hurts

when he pisses and everything and he's talking about his arms and winning the chin up competition I don't know who fucking wrote the lines for him man but my goodness i have never laughed so hard my god wrinkled wrink he's grabbing his skin on

the back of his arm he goes wrinkles like an old lady's cunt oh my god and that's sort of how i'm starting to feel i have no desire man probably i don't know if I was single and I was still out there like chasing broads I don't know if I'd feel this I don't know I'm not gonna quit working out completely but I I fucking look at this p90x I still have all the discs I look at them I'm like yeah right when I think about how hard it was but But now they have P90X 30-minute edition. I saw a commercial for that, and I'm sitting there going, what the fuck, Tony Horton? You told me I had to do it for, you know, close to an hour.

That's what all the studies were saying, you know, and all the data. Get your heart rate up for an hour. Now you're telling me otherwise? That I went through all that shit, and I could have got the same results doing it in 30 minutes i see the commercial now they're saying the first 30 minutes is the most important part of your exercise now that's what the that's what the data tells us now after i have the knees of buddy ebsen and a fucking so maybe i'll try to p90x uh the 30 minute version i'm sure you guys out there and gals have tried it let me know on twitter if you have i could ask mike baker at mike baker media i think he uh he's got the 30 minute one and i think he likes it guy looks

great by the way every time i see him he was a little heavier when I first met the guy. But I think I turned him on to the P90X, the original. And whatever. But walking, I feel embarrassed, you know. I got a neighbor. My wife's one of her good friends here in the neighborhood, this girl Tina, who, like, runs, you know, 10K races every other weekend. Tina who like runs you know 10k races every other weekend and uh I remember her blowing by me last year when I started uh walking around uh walking around the neighborhood she blow by me like I'm

standing still I was kind of jogging at that point but it was pretty embarrassing so I think that might be a sign it might be a sign so what else is going on I got to uh today's Monday where am I going oh Thursday I got to get on a plane to Tempe Arizona playing the Tempe improv if you're out there and live in that area. It's not that far from L.A. actually. Stuttering John on Facebook said, hey, maybe I'll come see you. The Tempe Improv.

Yeah. I'm performing there this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Two shows Friday, two Saturday, one Sunday. I have to get out there

on Thursday because you have to do morning press on Friday, I believe. That's how it works, folks. So, and I just, again, I've talked about this. I get a pit in my stomach now. I hate traveling so much. I hate airports.

I hate the traveling because you're in confined spaces with people, and I don't like people. They don't like me. And you never find more rude people than on a plane or in a fucking airport. It's like taking Greyhound bus now. I can't fucking stand. I already have a pit in my stomach thinking about it. And as far as Tempe goes, look, I have choices as far as airports. I can fly out of White Plains, which is 20 minutes from my house,

LaGuardia, which is about 45 minutes, or Kennedy, which is about minutes from my house, LaGuardia, which is about 45 minutes, or Kennedy, which is about an hour and five minutes. And of course, the only direct nonstop flights, you've got to fly into Phoenix to go to Tempe, the only nonstop direct out of JFK, and I hate driving down there. I'm leaving late in the afternoon. You can do that when you're flying east coast to west coast, because when you get there, it's three hours earlier, blah, blah, blah, so I don't want to leave at rush hour, so my next choice, my first choice, obviously, is white planes, which is what I'm going to, which I ultimately chose, but I have to connect, which is enough, this shit just makes my stomach

filled with acid, you know, because if your first flight is even a little late, then you're running through, I've done this, I've been doing this 25 years. You're running through the fucking airport. Luckily, I travel light. I just have one bag with my puppet in it. And speaking of puppets, again, rest in peace, Otto and George. I think we brought it up on the last podcast. But so, yeah, I got to change planes.

I fly to Atlanta and change planes and fly into Phoenix on Thursday night. And you have to do that, folks, because they wake you up the next Tuesday, Friday morning for radio to let the people in the Phoenix area you know in town. And I actually like this club. I said yes to it. You know me. I don't go much further west than Cleveland lately. But I said yes to the tempe improv i have good memories i did the hbo young comedian special there back in 92 i think on 93 can you imagine

over 20 years ago um and that was a great great thing for me it's still one of my proudest credits on my resume because it was one of those ones that not everybody got to do. It was literally five of us chosen. And, yeah, it was at the Tempe Improv, which is a beautiful club. They put you up at this hotel. First of all, it's near Arizona State. Fellas, you want to see broads? Mink you. Again, I'm married.

But if I wasn't, I'd get arrested by the FBI by Sunday night. It's Arizona State. I mean, I think they shoot the ugly broads. Any broad that has bad skin or a pot belly, they just take them behind a cactus and put one on the back of their head. I swear to God, they bury them in the desert. I'm at this hotel, and there's a hot nightclub upstairs, apparently. I'm sitting in the lobby waiting to be picked up for my ride to the comedy club and there was you know there's a club upstairs like the most popular and it's nothing but like arizona state college broads going to this nightclub and they're coming in every one of them is tan they all have ripped

legs i mean you couldn't find an ounce of fat in this lobby each short each each skirt is a shorter you know than the previous one and i'm sitting at the base of the staircase watching them go up i can see their panties but i'm not the only one i look and there's 11 guys next to me sitting on the same couch pretending to enjoy our drinks. And it's just fucking crazy. Of course, they don't show up at the club. But it's, I mean, again, yeah, we did the Young Comedians. This is like a beautiful comedy club.

There's very few in the country that are beautiful. And, yeah, the Young Comedian Special, that was hosted by, you guys have seen it because they still run it on HBO. It was Dana Carvey hosting. Ray Romano was on the show. Listen to this lineup, and then you'll know my career went in the dumper. Judd Apatow, multi-zillionaire.

Ray Romano, multi-zillionaire. Ray Romano, multi-zillionaire. Janine Garofalo, who did pretty well, had a film career for a while. Andy Kindler. Me and Andy Kindler are sort of fighting off the last dibs. And he was so funny that night. Kindler and Bill Bellamy, who, again, pretty successful movie career. Very funny black guy. And, well, I ain't going to say he blacked say black neck because i felt like pointed out it bothers some people and i'll continue to do so um yeah

that was the show and dana carvey was the i remember hearing dana carvey got like 75 grand and which is peanuts to him probably but uh to host that thing and it it was awesome. They put us up. At a gorgeous. Hotel. Yes. It was a hotel. Owned by the guy Keating. I think he's dead now. Remember the whole. There was some banking scandal.

Back in the 90s. And this guy Charles Keating. Was involved. And he bought the hotel. From a bunch of Arabs or some shit, or whatever, but the pool had Mother of Pearl in it, and I remember I got a massage,

and hooked up, hooked up with a dirty blonde, some confusing trips, might have been before, but yeah, those were the days, my friends. So that's the club. And Arizona, you know, people come out,

they kind of have the same political leanings as I do. So it's kind of fun. So I said yes. But again, I'm kicking myself in the balls right now. Because it sounds like, again, being on stage is the only part that you really enjoy um the rest of it is just downtime and i just don't do well anymore it's one thing when you're in your 20s and you're chasing broads and you're just hey let's go to the museum let's go to a fucking movie hey there's a ball game but but but but but i don't do that no more

leave that ship with joey list so uh tampi improv yeah the hell else i come back for tampi on may 1st i'm at Harrah's with Robert Kelly co-headlining two headliners folks and had to fill out some insurance forms which I've never had to do been doing doing comedy for 95 years and I had to fill out some liabilities

some insurance in case what am I evil Knievel I'm not fucking I don't have ramps set up and kerosene on the stage. I'm just telling jokes. It's so fucking weird when unions are involved. And I'm sure that's what it is, you know. But that's May 1st when I get back. And the thing is, that'll be a good show.

Me and Kelly, we did Mount Airy Casino in December, which we had a blast. So he's upbeat and cheering. I'm a miserab on stage. People like the contrast. But then I have to maybe jury duty. I got a notice for, you know, I was summoned for jury back uh, when did the first one come? I have it here. We have it. We have it here. We, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Um, County of Westchester. This is the first one I got. What's the date? Back in January. And they wanted me, uh,

yeah, they wanted me like on January 27th, but I couldn't do it. I forget why, but I had a legitimate reason. But I had to put in, I had to request. They make you request a month that you can do it. So I said May 5th, and that seemed like, you know, back in January, that seemed like light years away. But here we are. So when I come back,

so I got a thing in the mail the other day saying, you know, you requested May 5th. I got to call in the day before or two nights before to find out whether I'm selected or not. I know Mike Baker's wife, Erica, had to do this, and she called in, and they didn't need her. And Mike seems to believe that she's off the hook entirely now, which sounds a little fishy to me once they have you in the system. But I hope that's the case because I don't know.

Look, I want to do my civic duty, but I'm just saying. Yeah. So I'd have to go to White Plains. That's where the courthouse is. I don't know. It could be interesting. But I just, you know, I've got other things

I'm pursuing. Trying to get this career out of the ditch. Who's bent to his jury duty? I guess it depends on the case whether it's interesting or not. I know Quinn said he had to do it for like three days in a row. I hope I don't get hooked up in like a murder case

and it sucks the life out of me for the whole summer. Can that happen? Probably could, right? I'm hoping not. I'm hoping it's some guy who sucker punched a meter maid in Greenville or some shit. And I mean something we can wrap up in three hours. But I could probably get material out of it. Now couldn't I?

So, yeah, I'm holding my breath there. Speaking of the law in New York, how about de Blasio, this jerk-off Marxist fuckface discontinuing the NYPD undercover surveillance of Moss? Can you fucking imagine? I read in the paper today, they cited about five or six examples of where this undercover surveillance

actually stopped actual bombings. I mean, they list like five cases. Yeah, let's disband that out of political correctness. Are you shitting me? And yes, I know most Muslims are good people. I lived in Astoria, Queens. They had a lot of Muslim neighbors, and they are.

But that's not the point. The few shitty ones go to these fucking mosques, okay? And that's where a lot of the shit gets planned. It's been proven. But let's disband that. I've really got a quest in your fucking minds, you fuckers on the left. You've really lost your minds. Wait till the next thing happens to Blasio.

You know, bratton too our new police uh commissioner just wants to like somebody said in the paper he wants to be mayor i think bratton so he's doing the politically correct thing you know man it's going to come back to bite us in the balls you can almost bet on it i just don't know what the fuck the world's upside down dudes what are they thinking? I mean, they have proof. I had a plan to blow up the New York City subways, and they caught them in one of these moths,

the very ones that they, you know, surveilled. And if you do disband it, why do you make it public, you know? Ay-yi-yi. I don't get it. Out of what? Sensitivity? Sensitivity? If you're, you know, when Giuliani was mayor, when he first came in and he busted all the, you know, Cosa Nostra, I'm sure there was some valence going on in Queens

in a little Italy on Mulberry Street. Did I even have a problem with it? No. It's really creepy. It's really creepy what's going on.

You know? I can't believe de Blasio or Obama or Eric Holder are that stupid. It's weird. It's really like about,

it's really like payback. That's the mentality. It's fucking... Boy, I'll tell you. I really don't know what they're thinking. This is what they're thinking. This is what they're thinking. Went up to watch the wife ride her horse up in North Salem that's where Letterman lives

somewhere up there and um amazing that was like last Sunday I think what a way it's what a nice way to spend a few hours though up there it's crazy man i'm like 45 minutes from the city and then meanwhile it's like green acres up here 10 minutes from my house but uh i'm still scared shit of that horse i don't understand girls i see these little girls up there riding horse not even afraid they're next to. They're not even afraid of these things. Yeah, you know, my wife sees a mouse. She'll shit blood for the next two weeks. She's 108 pounds and she's next to this animal.

That's a guy, you know, I don't know what they weigh. 1,500 pounds. Think steps on your foot is going to turn it to dust. She just picks the leg up. She's brushing its feet. I'm like 60 feet in the corner cowering i did feed it a carrot that was my big feet but uh i don't understand and you see nothing but chicks riding these horses up there a lot of balls so the wife was uh a couple days ago i guess

uh she was trying to she was with another guy. They went on these trails and they try to go through some brook or stream, cross a stream, which is like, it's like knee high water to a horse, but it's deep enough. And my wife's horse freaked out and threw my wife off the horse into the water. I wish I was there for that. I would have laughed till I cried. But wouldn't that be enough to scare the shit out of you? She'd get right back on the goddamn thing.

And the guy at leaner's like, no, we got to do it again. I'm like, fuck that. It's a horse. It's not a tortoise. Can you blame the horse? They don't have any depth perception. That thing could be a black hole, you know. As far as the horse knows, he could fall a thousand feet and uh yeah the wife comes home covered in mud

soaking wet that was a good one but uh i gotta give her some credit get back on that thing and do it again aye aye aye but uh yeah horses i didn't know they were such pussies they're very skittish they're afraid of the wind and shit my wife's riding the horse inside this arena and and there was some um there was some like uh you know furniture stacked up in the corner of the arena and the horse wouldn't go around that corner not even it wasn't right on top of the arena was it was a ways from the you know the the dirt track that she was riding and the horse was freaking out because of the arena. It was a ways from the you know. The dirt track that she was riding on. And the horse was freaking out.

Because of the shadows and stuff. And when it rains. There's a metal roof on the arena. And the noise from the rain. Freaks the horses out. Those big muscular animals. Are such pussies. I didn't know they were so skittish.

You know? It's funny though. I'm feeding it a carrot. I felt like John Elway was eating a vegetable out of my hand with those giant choppers. Pretty cool though. That's as close as I've come. I've actually petted the horse. My wife says she's going to get me to ride

it. I don't friggin' think so. I don't know. Maybe. I just pictured a thing, you know, going to get me to ride it. I don't friggin' think so. I don't know, maybe. I just pictured a thing, you know, trying to flip me. You know? It's really complicated, the shit she's learning, this dressage stuff. How to control a horse with your ass cheeks and shit. It's crazy.

Crazy, man. That's about it i guess kids uh i'm gonna go into the city and uh work on some new stuff some new material maybe i should include that in some of these podcasts but i don't want to like burn the stuff you guys will hear it and then when it comes out a year and a half later you're like yeah but we've heard that oh you'll you'll hear the beginnings of stuff. Obviously, jokes progress. I'm working on a methamphetamine chunk. Ever since I saw Breaking Bad,

which I really loved, I'm kind of fascinated with meth. I couldn't believe what goes into it. Just to get high. And I'm working on a whole methamphetamine chunk. And actually Googling shit. And you know the Japanese came up with methamphetamine during World War II? We all know, I guess Hitler was a meth head. But the Japanese came up and they would give it to the kamikaze pilots.

And this is one of the lines I was writing in the bit about, yeah, they take the kamikaze pilots who take meth. Think about that. Meth, that's the kind of drug it is. It puts you in the frame of mind to get in a plane and to fly it into a battleship and blow yourself up. And people are taking it now like on a Friday night to hang out at the Tropicana in Vegas. Yeah, that's who you want to bump into by accident

and spill a guy's drink. I mean, crazy. It's crazy the shit that's who you want to bump into by accident and spill a guy's drink. I mean, crazy. It's crazy, the shit that's in it, too. And JFK, apparently, liked his meth. He had that doctor, what the hell is his name, Dr. Feelgood? I don't know his real name. He used to come to the White House. JFK had a bad back and, you know, I'd tell him it was a B-12 shot

and it was actually methamphetamines and stuff. Jackie, I need some drain cleaner. I need some lithium and some lye. Never mind what foa. And the shit that goes in, I can't believe the chemicals

that people shoot into their fucking bodies. That's what's goes in, I can't believe the chemicals that people shoot into their fucking bodies. That's what's in it. Drain cleaner, lithium, ether, starter fluid, the stuff you spray

on your carburetor. This shit is, people are shooting this shit into their body. I can't believe it, man. Really? Are you that bored with fucking life?

Let me shoot an ounce and add it to my left nut and see what happens holy christ so i'm working on a meth chunk it's coming along quite well um what else oh there was a poster on the wall at my dentist's office how to be a good per uh life's little instructions how to be a good person in parentheses or something like that and there's 50 things listed i read them all i i've done two in my whole life and i'm having fun with that that's one of the things um i got a whole chunk on abortion that i'm doing i did some abortion jokes like two albums ago but uh i have more to say about that um those don't fly down south by the way

i remember being at the punchline atlanta and going into a little chunk about abortion and getting holy moly and then somewhere else down south and i went oh i see oh florida they don't dig it either because you do you get some uh you know those evangelists in the crowd the fact that they don't leave two minutes into my act is surprising to me but uh um i got a chunk on the fox news channel the women and how good looking they are um so maybe i'll make this a part of the podcast i can maybe bring up what I'm working on. I know a few people gave me feedback on Twitter

that they really liked that, so I might do that. That's about it. I'm off to Tempe Thursday. Land back here on Monday. Me and Bobby Kelly, May 1st. Harris. What other gigs?

Oh, I kept May open. That's about it for gigs in May, other than ones in the city. I kept May open because of the jury duty thing. Again, they're not going to keep us past, I'm guessing, 4 o'clock or whatever, but couldn't be away for a week or whatever. So, yeah.

And by the way, I got my check from Caroline's. You heard me whining about how I thought how poorly the place was run. And I fired off an angry email while I was performing there, you know, during the weekend. Which isn't the brightest thing to do. And usually you get your check, you your check a couple days after the gig. 99% of the gigs, they hand you the check. Like when I'm done in Tempe, they'll give me the check Sunday night. And 99% of the gigs, you walk off the stage, they hand you your money.

It's the beauty of, it's the beauty, one of the things I love about what I do for a living. You know, the simplicity. As Jay Leno used to say, tell joke, get check. But, of course, I mouthed off a little bit how I wasn't happy with how Caroline's being run. And sure enough, it took me almost two weeks to get paid. I'm guessing that's why, you know, there's no other reason. I don't care.

They can give me a reason. There's no other reason not to hand a comic his check at the end of the week that he performed. End of the show. But who knows? You know,

maybe, but I'm guessing that was the deal. As it happens when you can't control your emotions. Anyways, just tell people to shut up their goddamn cell phones and behave in a club and we'll all have a good fucking time.

It's real simple. I'm really starting to think about I want to do AA bits. Play it at people that are in AA. I said this before. I did it years ago in Boston. It was Northeastern, I think, the campus. There was a theater there, 800. It was an AA event.

Everybody was drinking coffee. The most, the best crowd I ever performed. They were hanging on every word, you know? But then nobody's going to come out, right, if there's no alcohol. Anyways, kids, that's about it. I will talk to you real soon. Until then, wash your dirty faces and rinse your dirty asses. Bye-bye.

Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoirvoir Auf Wiedersehen guitar solo I'm out.