The Nick DiPaolo Show - 027 - Nick and Artie

Episode Date: May 1, 2014

The Nick and Artie reunion.   RiotCast.com

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. The autumn wind is a pirate, bustling in from sea, with a rollicking song he tramples along, swaggering boisterously. His face is weather-beaten. He wears a crooked sash with a silver cap upon his head and a blistering black mustache. He growls as he storms the country, a villain big and bold,

and the trees all shake and quiver and quake as he robs them of their gold. The autumn wind is a raider, pillaging just for fun. He'll knock you down and romp you around and laugh when he's conquered and won. What the hell's going on out here? A little trip down memory lane baby if you don't recognize that voice you're not into uh radio or showbiz in general the fucking great arty lang hey my former lover and life partner yeah we went through a great life experience together

here we are sad sad part is i don't have a book to put it in. You do. I feel like we're both on the raft at the end of Papillon with Steve McQueen. Hey, you bastards. We're still here. Artie and Nick made it to freedom. Oh, man. That's right, folks.

I got to say, this is the greatest setup ever, man. I am in Nick DiPaolo's home. It's pretty cute, ain't it? In his basement. This is amazing. It really is great. I figure if this show gets popular and then I start, you know, spewing my politics, I'm going to need, like, security guards at the top of the road and stuff.

You can do it here. That's the great part about it. How many comedians have a shot of them playing fullback for a big-time couch? Big time, yeah. You, Maine. I think we beat DeVry on Thanksgiving in that picture you're looking at. What is that? Tailback, right?

Yeah, tailback. Absolutely. See the guy? You can see a black back to the far right of the picture. Can you be a little more specific? Yeah. He's the only black guy in the field. It's Maine versus Northeastern.

Northeastern, which doesn't have football anymore, the way but that's sean jones oh he played for the packers all pro and stuff yeah look he's getting crushed there my our fullback is open and lighting him up boy that that referee really went to school to learn that stance did he look like he's taking a hit anymore oh that's great looks like a picture at Elton John's wedding. And a lot of the guys are white. That is true. There's a lot of white guys.

Oh, Christ, yeah. I mean, it was Maine versus Northeastern. And a kid spit in my face in that game on the second play of the game. I think you might have told me that. He was a friend of my brother-in-law's brother. Okay. This guy, Gino. I think it was his brother playing for North or his cousin, whatever.

Right. But he was a defensive back. Second play of the game, I run a sweep out of bounds. We'd like ram heads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He gets up, he spits right in my face. Oh, what a jerk. I kind of like didn't bother me.

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Don't forget, order today with the promo code Nick to get 20% off flowers from a freaking volcano. Yeah. Very romantic. All right. My new thing is I can't stop doing a Donald Sterling impression. That was great, London. Yeah, I mean, do i not buy them clothes who buys i don't i make the game i don't do i not make the game who makes the game if i don't make the game sounds like jerry lewis yeah and what does that mean make the game

yeah sounds like my mother going did they make a touchdown that's what my mother used to say like it's a cake and he sounds effeminate like an eff cake. And he sounds effeminate, like an effeminate Jerry Lewis. And he's not effeminate at all, clearly. He likes the women. But it's the most pathetic. When I listen to that broad setting him up so obviously. Oh, I know, Artie, right? And here's a guy, made a billion dollars in his life, and he falls for this.

You just want to strangle her. You just want to go, okay okay i'll take all the black people off my instagram is that okay i just literally like queuing up an actor that's exactly what went down that's exactly what went down and she's as disgusting to me as he is it's too it's too grotesque people it really is it's too la people having a conversation i.A. people having a conversation. I mean, yeah, you know, I understand. You know, he's a racist scumbag. And he got what he deserved. He got the ax, I think.

Yeah, I mean, he's going to get way more. I mean, he's going to be, he might have to leave the country. But that's what I'm saying. But it's so funny where we are. I mean, Rachel. No, you're right. Not enough people are pissed off at her. I mean, or not pissed off.

Not enough people are just giving her shit about her character. You know? Of course not. It's all about the white old racist. That's what it's all about. But even Bill Maher said, hey, even Bill Maher said, hey, let's calm down. You know, the United States, you're allowed to be an asshole. Yes. Which sums it up perfectly.

He didn't break the law. No. And being recorded in his, I hope he uses all his billions that he has, spends every last time trying to sue her. Well, let me tell you something. You know what's odd about this whole thing is, and again, part of the whole L.A. thing, if she was money hungry, she would have sued him. She would have blackmailed him first. And his lawyers, even if he didn't get it, because I think he doesn't think he said anything wrong. I mean, he's that ignorant.

He probably didn't think, look, I didn't say anything racist. Well, legally, he probably did. His lawyers would have said, look, pay her whatever she wants. You can't have this tape out. She's clearly more into fame. That's what's scary about her. That's actually a great point. She wants to be famous rather than rich.

Right. You know? She's not smart enough to blackmail him for his movie. Blackmail? I mean, come on. That guy would have paid millions of dollars for that thing. I said that to Dennis Miller. I did his show today. I go,

you know, that's typical, like, West Coast broads are so shallow. I go, they should wear no diving signs around their neck. They're so fucking shallow. He must have loved that. Not all West Coast broads. I've met a few that, you know. You know, by the way, I got to do Dennis Miller's show. It was one of the greatest thrills of my life.

I was on the phone for my book tour when I was in L.A. I was on my way to another interview, and he took my interview on the phone, and it was fantastic. He had nice things to say, but he loves you. He reiterated it. You and Norm. He kept saying he goes, Norm.

Norm's my favorite. We got two mutual acquaintances who are just the funniest cats. Him and Quincy Jones are the only two guys I can get away with saying cats. Cats still. Yeah. But yeah, he was a real complimentary to you. I love Dennis Faddis. Yeah, he's...

As good as it gets. Oh, you know, it's so funny. I show up and his hair's all sticking out, but he's got like a t-shirt on. Oh, you did it in New York? In New York. Yeah. Yeah, I drove in uh today and it's just so easy right i mean you know we have the same sensibilities conversation and it yeah i mean

he's just uh and he's got that freaking vocabulary i couldn't even keep up with him he did like four or five references and i just laughed like i know who he's talking about right well that's the thing you don't it's like watching bugs bunny when you're eight years old you don't know why you're laughing at it like you get it when you're older. With him, you laugh just because it's just funny sounding. That's what I'm saying. Like, three of them were in French, you know, and I'm like, ha, ha, ha. Meanwhile, I'm going, oh, I'm rolling my eyes going, this guy's burying me.

I got to get out of here. But, yeah, so, yeah, what else is going on? Now, what happened in Detroit, Art? I never get the full story well i i uh typical me i i just ignore things until i almost die that's that's my yeah that is your mo i uh i got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes uh which was a real surprise um what's the i don't know the types type is that the expensive one type one you're usually born with and your pancreas doesn't produce any insulin so you have to give yourself insulin type two is your pancreas is producing

insulin but not enough so you just you could control it with pills it's not nearly as serious type two what what is insulin insulin is what a pancreas your pancreas produces insulin and something you know i wish i had a better answer but it's something your body needs to keep your blood sugar normal. Right. Low. Right. And it naturally produces it if it's healthy. And if you're not born with it, you can give it to yourself by eating too many sweets and

just living like shit and unhealthy. Well, that doesn't sound like it. Right. So after 44 years of living awful i got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes i gave it to myself uh but i didn't have to take the needle which isn't even a needle anymore it's just a prick it's in a pen yeah the doctor was a prick uh it's in a pen it's in a little pen and and you take it real quick it takes four seconds where do you stick yourself you can do it right in your stomach.

And you can do it in your arm. Oh, please believe me. But, you know. I'm laughing at diabetes. With serious type 1. What happens? So I had type 2 diabetes. And the guy goes, look, you can control this.

It's even reversible if you have a good diet and you take the medication. Nick, I had to take one pill a day. When I was addicted to to painkillers i was taking a hundred percocet a day you know you tell i've heard i've told people that you've told me that and i hear you how already i don't understand no bullshit i don't understand how do you not od i don't get it let me tell you i developed a tolerance how though and what i mean i don't know nick i don't know and my liver is fine i couldn't eat 100 m&ms you know i mean i'd be stuffed never mind 100 fucking pills my liver's fine and my kidneys are fine the doctors one of the doctors one of the doctors wanted me to like

sign my body over like you want to look at it i mean i got that native american thing going on they have strong livers but honestly so i took 100 percocet a day i had a habit because i was getting it delivered 1200 bucks a day was my habit with the you also have to have a career to have that type of head i couldn't afford to be a diabetes daddy or rob uh you know some people go to the sucking dick thing uh thank god that never happened um but uh and i i 100 a day with the parkinson i couldn't remember to take one good pill that i needed a day i forgot him on the road i wouldn't take him for three days and that's not how the doctor would go it's doctor i have he's great but he's

real condescending because it's not how it works all right was it dr sterling yeah that's what it sounds like uh what arty i don't give you clothes i give you pills so i didn't take the medication and i ate like i eat like french toast and syrup and on the road and i would forget to take it and uh this is what i was doing for uh you know a year basically and uh it got worse and worse and i was feeling more and more lethargic my blood sugar was out of control. It was over 400. My blood sugar was almost.

For Christ's sake. It was almost what Ted Williams said in 1941. And my cholesterol was 402 when I went in. You have the same numbers as BB King. Ty Cobb and BB King. So I go in and I go to Detroit to do a gig. And of course, I had the next week off and I booked the episode of Hot in Cleveland. I heard that. Yeah, I was going to.

And I was laughing my balls off. I got all these funny scenes with Betty White and Valerie Burton. They wrote me a kind of a funny part. I was going to get my benefits from it because nothing I do is union anymore. And it was a good chunk of change. And then I was doing the Nokia theater. I was taping that Friday night and doing the Nokia in L.A. And then flying back.

I mean, so that's my schedule I give myself. So I do the gig in Detroit. Sold out show at this theater. Great crowd. Not the Fox. Royal Oak. Royal Oak. Okay.

Did we do the Fox together? I think we did both. We might have. Yeah, okay. I know we did the Fox together because that was the night I was on stage. And I take a pause for a second, and somebody goes, hey, you look like Steve Mariucci. Remember?

He got the biggest laugh of the night. That's right. You know, with a Detroit crowd, you can't pause. It's like a Cleveland crowd. Yeah, or like Boston. And that was actually funny. We did the Fox together. Okay.

Real funky velvet green room. It looks like 1940s. Yeah, and that's a classic old theater. I signed my name on the back next to Sinatra. Royal Oak is, wasn't that Bob Seger born in Royal Oak? He mentions it in his song. Yeah, that's outside, right outside Detroit. So I get through the show, thank God.

You know, real good crowd. But at the end, I'm feeling almost faint. I get in the back and, you know, Timmy, my guy i travel with uh he's like you know you don't look good first of all i i go out i go what's up detroit guys you look like shit there's a doctor in the front row i mean your doctor i look back at some of the pictures they posted on twitter with me taking pictures and i do look near death even worse for for me i was gonna say you know you've been pretty gray since i've known your skin every once in a while i'm you know and i tuned into the show i'm like fuck i go jesus is it's gotta be makeup he's got some color on his cheeks when did you be brown get already

so i get the i get through the gig and i say listen let me get to the hotel i need to just rest so uh i go and we're supposed to fly to la from detroit you know the horrible schedule 10 a.m the next day the next day man i wake up and dude i've gone through heroin withdrawals i never felt i was in uh a dot close to a diabetic coma i i had this condition diabetic casitosis they call it and you're almost in a coma and i had had goose pimples, but I was sweating. And I said, listen, this is one of those awful things where I can't make L.A. We've got to cancel shit or I'll die. If I got on the plane to L.A., the doctor thinks I would have died.

They would have had to land the plane somewhere. And I went to the emergency room. I called 911, went to the emergency room. And then we start playing the fun game of find a vein that's not covered in fat to get an IV in and uh that takes about two hours and I was basically in the hospital for nine days and now we're in Detroit in Detroit oh that's scary I mean you know was it like a witch doctor and shit listen these people it was at a place called Beaumont Hospital outside of Detroit and God bless them they saved my. The doctors were great there. And it took nine days, but they adjusted everything and got me normal for the first time.

I'm probably healthy with a normal blood sugar for the first time in two years. And I feel 20 years younger. I lost 25 pounds in three weeks. I was going to say, you look a lot better than... Well, I mean, how can I look worse? At 25 pounds, I lost in three weeks. I was going to say, you look a lot better than... Well, I mean, how can I look worse? I had 25 pounds I lost in three weeks. But why weren't you taking... Were you consciously not taking the pills?

A conscious decision? I kept saying, look, it's the type 2. It's reversible. I'll be fine. Incomplete denial about it. And I just wasn't taking medication. And I wasn't... I was eating the worst stuff a diabetic could eat. Really? You weren't i i heard you're on the guinness paltrow diet you were having like

three peas and a carrot and fucking taking chris martin's cock and everything everything that uh i've made fun of in my life and said was like gay i have to do now diet wise the gluten i gotta look at i haven't had a piece of bread or soda in three weeks which for me is like and listen i don't really it's finally a wake-up call nothing was a wake-up call for me i never want to go through what i went through again so that's saying a lot i mean because you've i mean everybody knows from your book is chronicled what you i'm on a strict diet now that scared the shit out of you that diabetes it did it did because you could lose a foot

you don't die they take your leg first you go blind and I'm like come on well I said to a late great friend Patrice I told you that story right I said he came to the I was doing my pilot for VH1 and he comes from he comes from

having a physical and I so I go how'd the physical go he goes Nick man man, I get seven of the ten things that kills niggas. And I'm like, is handguns one of them? No, mother. And he goes, diabetes. He's talking about diabetes. And I said to him, and this joke, he laughed, so I still tell it. But I go, how do you know when you're a blank?

How do you know if you get diabetes? How do you know when your feet start turning black? And he laughed until he almost cried. Legitimate question. It is a legitimate question. Patrice was how the whole world should be. The conversations you and Patrice had is, if the whole world were like that, everything would be fine.

Would be fine. It really would. I get a feeling he's looking down laughing at me because of the damage I did myself on Tuff Craw and still having his balls up. That guy was made out of mortar. Oh, you couldn't hurt him. If it could take...

You couldn't hurt him. Well, also physically. If it could take him out, you know, there's... I mean, diabetes without question had to do with the stroke he had. It's scary shit. So, I mean, I'm on a... You know, I haven't... I don't eat sugar and no carbs, no sugar of any kind.

And you know what? It's not bad. I could have a steak and a nice salad on the same plate. Yeah. Oil and vinegar on top of it. Absolutely.

And the problem is I don't drink any flavored drink. I missed out. I can't have soda or juice. So I just have water. I gotta find it. I hate fucking water.

Yeah. It's the best thing in the world for you. I'm forced to drink it now with meals. So that's what happened. I got back and I canceled two other gigs. The doctor says I canceled Milwaukee best thing in the world for i'm forced to drink it now with meals so that's what happened i got back and i i canceled uh two other gigs the doctor says i canceled milwaukee and minnesota

coming up and i i'm back i'm back at it in june you know wow good for you that's what happened the um but you're you gotta tell this story because you are. I witnessed how you ate. Yeah. And I had known you before that. I remember when you and I were doing the Comedy Connection in Boston. And I remember you went to bed. You staggered off somewhere. I went my way. And then the next morning, I go, what did you do last night?

And he goes, I don't know. You go, I don't know. But I woke up and I had a pizza box on my chest with one slice left. I was shirtless with a pizza box on my chest with one slice left. I was shirtless with a pizza box on my chest. And there was crumbs in my chest hair. And you got to pick them out. Real good. Some comics have a story where they're waking up next to Twiggy in the 70s.

Yeah. Joey Heatherton. I'm waking up with a pepperoni and sausage. I'm in Tempe. I'm such a puss. Like, I'm just the opposite. I ordered a mango tower with, you know, avocado mango tower. Went in Arizona.

You know, what the hell? Talk about hot chicks in Tempe, Arizona. Oh, my Jesus H. Christ. Huh? It's Arizona State. What a place that would be to go to school. Well, I know. The stadium's right around the corner.

That's how dumb I am. This is how I don't even leave my room when I go anywhere. I didn't realize, you know, where the Sun Devils play football. Gorgeous. You can hit it from the improv, though. No, right. Stuttering John once talked me into jogging one Saturday morning. Up that hill?

Up that hill, yeah. I was with you. I'm going to go. Jackin. Arnie, I lost the check. Were those not the funnest years ever? Those are the best trips. The years we were on the road with John.

Otto and George just died. I know. George, I assume, died too. But no, Otto, it reminded me of that trip to Philly in the snowstorm. What do you think the first thing I thought of? That's the first thing I thought of. I'm talking to Otto in the backseat. He's got George with him. He's got George.

The dummy in the box. That's right. You're next to him. We're in a snowstorm doing five miles an hour down to Philly for a gig. Yeah, bald tires on John's truck. We slid through a red light. John's truck smelled like dirty diapers. Not even a little bit kidding.

And it was dirty. It didn't just smell like it. It was. Spilled milk and dirty diapers. And salad stock. And his feet. John was half Puerto Rican and half Danish. When I got in his car, I would go, or in his house, I would go,

John, did you get any of the Danish? Even a little bit of it. Even a fraction of the Danish. Remember what I said with the smell? Did they find Amber back here? No, so you're next to, you're getting more and more pissed off. I couldn't stop laughing. I'm in the passenger seat.

It's George Otto's dummy in his box. It's Otto protecting it like it's a piece of, it's a diamond. You, Sal the stockbroker, Governor Alley, me and Stutter and John going to the electric factory in Philly. In a blizzard. For a Christmas stand-up show in a blizzard doing five miles an hour down to Jersey Turnpike. Took us like four hours to get to Philly. If you don't think that was funny.

And I was trying to talk to Otto, right? And he'd engage me, but at the end of every sentence, he'd quote the Raging Bull, this one line. That's what he was like, yeah. He kept, I talked to him about, so you get many gigs. Yeah, I do stuff in the city. And then he goes, when I get that belt around me, that's when I fucking pull it out. And he kept saying it. Like he's crazy.

Like Raging Bull Tourette's. Well, yes. He was crazy, Otto. And, you know, I mean, he's dead now. He smoked crack. There's crazy. Like Raging Bull Tourette's. Yes. He was crazy, Otto. And, you know, I mean, he's dead now. He smoked crack. There's stories. That guy in Buffalo that me and you goof around a lot about, he ran the club up there.

Mark? No, Marco. I forget what the guy's name was. But he said Otto went up there and asked him for the $800 he was getting for the two nights in advance in cash. He gives it to him. Otto disappears to downtown Buffalo with the dummy. Never shows up for the gig.

Went to score. Never showed up. Never came back? No. He took the dummy to go get blown. I wish I had that tip. I think his heart exploded while he was sleeping. What was the final verdict?

I didn't know. He had a heart attack. Did he? Yeah. He might have been drinking. I don't know. But Otto was a good guy. He was a good guy.

Off stage, he was kind of a gentleman. And he didn't give a fuck about show business. That's the great thing. He didn't give a shit about regular. He was the best Stern guest because he would give Howard shit. He would give us all shit. I know. And.

I love that he got on Letterman near the end. Right. Remember? Yeah. They had Vantreiloquist Week. Right. I was so happy for him to get on Letterman. Listen, man, rest in peace.

Absolutely. I think he was about 46 years old. But yeah, as soon as I heard that, I thought of the trip with John. That's the first thing I thought of. Those three or four years when we were on the road with John. Were awesome. You don't realize it. We had had so much fun those were the good old days we didn't realize what we're you know at the time you're like oh jesus gotta i gotta do the stress factory you would start i had to follow lampinelli one time it was a stuttering joint i don't know if you

were at that one not you weren't there i wasn't i don't remember that but not easy to do i've had a follow you know i I got pride in following anybody. Yeah, of course. I was fucking, I had flop sweat five minutes in. She had taken the roof off the door. Yeah. I followed her to roast at Stern once. That's not easy.

I mean, I did it right because I was on the Stern show, Stern fans, but she's rough. But back to your diet. This is the one, but this is, tell them the time about you know when we were doing nick and arty in the old studio yeah when when you you would order those three sandwiches near that deli near your house in new jersey and you got there and the guy had given him the wrong order there were three huge sandwich and i'm talking those those stage deli type sandwiches you mean a jewish deli sandwiches like the italian deli like sandwiches. You mean Jewish deli sandwiches or like the Italian deli? The Jewish one. I don't know, but it's near where you live in New Jersey.

The story was, but you went there and they'd given the order to somebody else. And so the guy goes, I'll make you three more. Right. And then the person came back with your sandwiches. So you took all six of them. Oh, that's right. And folks, and I'm telling you. That's right.

Picture the stage. Was Carnegie Delia stage? Which one has like the foot? Carnegie End Stage. Yeah. Carnegie's big, the one. But they were that big. Yeah.

And you, and I said, so what did you eat? Like you finished like those two? And you said, no, I finished them. I couldn't stop eating. I eat like that. I couldn't stop eating. That scared the shit out of me. By the way, no pissing on the walls in here tonight.

You piss on, what the hell's walls in here tonight. You piss on... What the hell's going on out here? You piss on one wall, everybody gives you shit. You know, I'll tell you, I... I don't know if you... I started doing this on the show. The Vince Lombardi documentary on HBO, you know, you wonder what it's like to be...

How stressful it is to be Vince Lombardi's son. Vince Lombardi's son, when they interview him, everything seems normal, but every once in a while, he's got this insane twitch. Yeah. He just keeps, he keeps figuring, I tell you, he was a great dad, but don't grow your hair long. Wait a minute, he had a gay son. I don't think, he had a gay

brother. Oh, it was a gay brother? I think gay brother. Is that the one he killed? No. No, he was very Are you sure it wasn't the son? He was very sensitive towards the plight of the gays because of that. He was like a...

Yeah, so much so he wouldn't get a colonoscopy and he died from ass cancer. Well, listen. He was an enlightened guy when it came to that. No, the son wasn't. I'm almost positive.

It could have been a cousin, but somebody close to him. Yeah. So the son was all twitchy and can you imagine having him for the i tell you he was a great dad but don't not mow the lawn i'll tell you they name a rest area after your father you know he's on a jersey turnpike he was a great great dad but don't get under a 98 on your math

remember when you and i did We did Jimmy Fallon show Yeah On Thanksgiving When Martha Stewart was there I said that Classic Remember she had a panini maker I go my dad

I go Martha My dad used to put my hand In one of those When I got a D in math And Jimmy goes Nikki no no no She didn't know What the maker was

We Think about that We had We're on tape On Thanksgiving day Who else was there already It was me You She didn't know what to make of us. Think about that. We're on tape on Thanksgiving Day. Who else was there already? It was me, you. Martha Stewart.

Who was the other guest who was basically invisible? It was abroad, right? Oh, was it? I thought it was someone like Flava Flava. It was a famous chick. Like, I forget. Oh, it was Rashida Jones. How the fuck do you remember that?

I remember because I was talking to her I kind of know her That's right, she's a good looking woman Oh, she's beautiful Yeah Who was it again? Quincy Jones' daughter One of the ones you had with Peggy Lipton

They're both stunning Like, you know, that perfect mulatto skin With the blue eyes Yeah, yeah Oh, she's hot Yeah, they didn't know what to do with this Nice chick, though Yeah, Martha Stewart Oh, she's hot. Yeah. They didn't know what to do with this. Nice chick, though. Yeah, Martha Stewart.

That's a tape I'll always cherish. Let me do this commercial before I forget. Okay. This is what I do. The first time I was doing this.

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That's harrys.com. That's h-a-r-r-y-s.com nice you're getting good at that remember when we we had to dome it uh and you would bang them out like uh the problem is you get good at that but then there's no feeling to it you know i'm like what do you want from me can you hit sprite better yeah they and they wouldn't tell us either over there remember at the last minute they had it's like eight things we're about to go home that can by the way that continued yeah i you know i don't mind doing a well actually we you know ashleymadison.com

what is that what is ashley Madison? They help you cheat. Oh, that's what that is. For a fee, they help you cheat on your significant other. I'm looking at the name going, that sounds like a hat manufacturer.

They can hide the email somehow. It's crazy. It's like NSA shit. That's exactly what it is. Can I get, what is it? Ash, let me write that down.

Andy's going away to a horse farm next week. Eight and a half years I was on the Stern Show, the only commercial Howard wouldn't read live was he had just gotten married. He wouldn't read it at ashmadison.com. So he made me read it. You're kidding me. I'm sure the client's happy when the icon's not reading it.

The fat guy next to him with a drink of Brahman. Howard's not going to read the commercial. I got some footage of you and I On one of our not so good nights When we had tension Really? Footage, I mean audio Audio, yeah

It got pretty ugly Let's see if I can find here What's the idea? Get upstairs. That's you telling me to get upstairs. Oh, one of the hardest... One of the hardest you ever made me laugh in the years... Bushetti had just started. He's telling the story...

One of your throwaway lines that killed me. He's telling a story about being at a wedding and he tells his mother that he thinks a chick is hot and the mother says, that's your cousin, you imbecile. And you go, what was your mother? Moe? Moe Howard?

Howard? That's perfect. That's your cousin, you imbecile First of all who goes up to their mother And says a chick's hot A fucking imbecile Hey skillet head Get your hands off the bridesmaid

I remember you cracking up at that. Oh, shit. That was perfect. Bo Shetty last night. Great. But you were so good last night, dude. You were so good. You handled everything so well.

I was happy with last night. It was a whole lot. Dude, you handled it all, though. The beginning, the monologue, you know. Thank you. You make it look too goddamn. The callers were really touching, man. And a lot of them missed you, which was, I was, I was.

Yeah, that was nice. You know, but, you know, look, it was two years, seven months into three years. It would have been nice to end it, but what are you going to do? It's the end of an era. No, exactly. Era, how do you spell that? E-R-R-O. Era.

Era. Is it me or is Rod from Bayside a little bit of a genius oh my god i had never he's got a lot of time on his hand i had never heard that style of using the person's voice to call the person i didn't understand it andy had to explain it to me i go what's he doing i had to explain it to al al i mean he was like a genius he went to duke it is it's incredible it's incredibly funny and what an idea he claims he invented it i don't know uh but that guy went to duke it is it's incredible it's incredibly funny and what an idea he claims he invented it i don't know uh but that guy went to duke al al del lobby did he was a basketball player basketball player i like that guy great guy oh my god he was a good guest on the show i

would have never guessed duke by the way he's dressed i thought he's like from queens and i didn't really know he's from montclair new New Jersey By where I grew up, he's from North Jersey But he was such an amazing player, 7 footer In high school, got recruited by everybody He's 7 feet? Just about, yeah Got recruited by Duke, went to Duke Played with those great Duke teams 91, 92

And played in the pros for like 10 years I didn't even realize that Sitting next to Richie was You know, seven years of full back and who i who i'd like to meet someday because he seems like a likable john's a good guy he's just a good guy real good guy and you know uh when he talks football it's it's interesting because who knows more about it and you're right you mentioned this to me off the air talking about him he said you know how tough you got to be seven years of full back in the nfl folks played for al

davis and then the Eagles. I mean, come on, man. Fullback. You know what you do when you're fullback? Yeah. You take on linebackers head on. That's what he did. On ISOs and sometimes run into guards.

And that's what he did. Fearless. And his head would bleed. He was famous for that. I remember that. Yeah. He went to Stanford. That's the other thing about him.

Started in Michigan, transferred to Stanford as an English major. Graduated from Stanford. I know. He majored in English. I remember him. That's the other thing about him. Started in Michigan, transferred to Stanford as an English major, graduated from Stanford. I know. Majored in English. I know. He said invective last night. Oh, I thought that was you that said invective. He said invective. I almost had a heart attack.

But yeah, I remember him telling a story about when he gets angry, he actually gets a heart on. You get a heart on, yeah. That's a football player. You can't make that up. And he played for Gruden. So he's got the best Gruden stories. He introduced me to Gruden at the draft, which was one of...

I think John Gruden, he's one of my favorite people on the planet. What was the thing that... I can't remember the play that you and I used to do. Remember Spider... Spider 2, I, Banana. Something like that. Exactly.

I mean, Spider 2, I, Banana. Have you seen Caliendo doing them now? Oh, it's perfect. It's perfect,'s perfect yeah perfect but that that quarterback show gruden has he had andrew luck on andrew luck you can see he's physically afraid of him yeah he did come on andrew spider too wide banana but he's he's got that fucking lurch i don't know what to say coach spider too wide banana i'm afraid of you coach i don't know gruden say, coach. Spider do wide banana.

I'm afraid of you, coach. Gruden, I wonder what. He must have played, right, in college? I don't know. He seemed like he'd be a tough little prick. If he was a player, I don't know what level he got to. Yeah, I'm sure he did. But, you know, I figured this, but Richie confirmed that the players would walk through a brick wall for the guy. For Gruden? Yeah. He won a Super Bowl, didn't he? Players guy. Yeah, with Tampa. Yeah. figured this but uh richie confirmed that the players would walk through a brick wall for the guy you know for groon yeah one of the players guy yeah with tampa yeah that was that's saying

something controversial thing he played the raiders we just left coaching oh that's right knew all the plays was it and that was the super bowl when one of the raiders played the nose guard didn't show up the center the center just didn't know no you might center. Maybe it was the nose guard. No, you might be right. No, it was the center. It was the center. He was a bipolar, went off his medication, was in Mexico drinking when the coin was going up. Can you... Why isn't that a movie or a book?

Claimed he thought the game had already happened and he was celebrating and they won. Boy, I might use that. Was it bipolar? Which is great because they lost he had a much better time can you imagine was it Darryl Strawberry right watching a game

remember was he with the Dodgers he's in a motel I heard Darryl he was a Dodger he was in a motel smoking he was smoking crack and watching the Dodgers on TV he didn't realize he had a game that day. He puts the TV on and the Dodgers are on.

How about me and my buddy Danny, the bad cop I always talk about. The bad cop. In 1989, we somehow get upper blue seats at the Garden, upper deck Nick tickets. We go to LeBlanc-E-Stone, start drinking. We start watching the game. Around the third quarter, we're ossified drunk. We realize we have tickets for the game. We're watching it in a bar.

On the third quarter, we're ossified drunk. We realize we have tickets for the game. We're watching it in a bar. Is Danny the cop still a cop? I haven't talked to him in a couple. No, no, he hasn't been a cop for 10 years. Oh, he used to tell those stories. The bad lieutenant.

When you're running for a bookie while you're on duty and 211s are in progress and you turn down the... You turn down your mic so you can collect on a Raider game. You don't keep your job to... How about Trout for the Angels? Jersey kid. Unbelievable. It's like watching a young Mickey Mantle.

It's fun watching him. He looks like a football player. What a badass. What a great American existence. He's living watching him. It's fun to watch. He looks like a football player, though. Yeah. What a badass. Just one of those kids. What a great American existence. He's living the dream. But how do you not hear about him until he gets to the pros? Well, wasn't...

Like Bryce Harper. I mean, he was actually too young. You know? I mean, wasn't he like nine? He was 18 or 19 when he came up, right? I guess. But you heard about Bryce Harper when he was like 16. Remember?

They brought him to Yankee Stadium. He's hitting balls. Yeah. Yeah. And so you heard about him Harper when he was like 16. Remember? They brought him to Yankee Stadium. He's hitting balls. Yeah, yeah. And so you heard about him for years. Right. And Trout, I mean. Out of nowhere. Yeah, like the natural.

Like, it's one of those stories. Baseball's not the only sport that has kids like that, too. It's still the most romantic sport. Yes. You know, where that could happen. You're right. It's just a cool story, you know. He looks like a badass. You're rude for the guy just a cool story, you know. He looks like a badass.

You're rude for the guy. And speaking of, let's talk baseball. Yeah, there you go. Your socks. You weren't on the show and your socks. The Giants beat the Pats. You don't think I was sitting home fuming, going, motherfucker,

they're not even talking about the Red Sox. And how the Sox lost that year, that last day of the season. But, I mean, listen. First of all, talk about a movie. You get the marathon bombing. You know, Ortiz with the 617s and Boston Strong. And Ortiz having Babe Ruth type.

Maybe the best postseason world tour ever. Well, there's no argument, I don't think. And it's not the first time he's done it. Like you said, 2004. First time you guys won in 2004, he was winning games, not just winning with singles, dingers he's hitting. I mean, he's an amazing clutch player. And not only in the World Series.

He's your reggie. Oh, yeah. And the ALCS. Yeah. I can't even remember. Was it the Tigers he hit the one? What's the one when the cop was, the other guy went over the fence? Right, right, yeah. Yeah. And the ALCS. Yeah. I can't even remember. Was it the Tigers he hit the one? What's the one when the cop was, the other guy went over the fence? Right, right, right.

Yeah, right. Was that Ortiz? I can't even remember. That was Ortiz's home run. That was Ortiz. Yeah. And he. People forget.

They remember the World Series. I go, he carried us through the ALCS. He's the kind of guy in the postseason you walk him with the bases loaded. You don't want him hitting the ball. That's the other thing I don't understand. Why nobody drills him. Yeah, well, in the old days that would have happened. Don Drysdale or Bob Gibson would have put one on his ear.

One on the back. He stands in there. He's way too comfortable. Yeah, I mean, you hit a home run off Bob Gibson, the worst thing you do is get up again. No, exactly. Nobody even brushes him off the plate. It's a different world now.

Now, the Yankees, they're going to tighten their belt over the offseason, and they're going to spend a half a billion dollars. God damn it, Artie, I don't like this. I'm getting ready to tighten my belt around my arm. Listen, the Yankees have great pitching. So if that's the case, anything could happen. I love that A-Rod's not there. I know. They're almost likable. But the that A-Rod's not there. I know.

They're almost likable. But the Jeter, you know, again. He's old. When these great players go. Too long? Other teams give them gifts. I just want to strangle somebody. Yeah.

Well, he needs them. Doesn't he need a new car? Because he's got a Ford Edge, apparently. According to the commercial, he drives a Ford Edge. And that's fucking. No, I know. Who gives us. You know, thanks for keeping me

out of the playoffs for 18 years, Derek. Here's a Corvette. No, exactly. It's ridiculous. Giving Trump a watch. Not competitive edge anymore, you know?

He looks old already. He finally... And again, with the ball, Teddy looks exactly like Franklin from Charlie Brown. Oh, Jesus.

He looks like Franklin. Apparently, girls like Franklin's dick. Yeah, that's funny. When Franklin's play shortstop, it makes 20 million. So, yeah. So, Jeter, Ellsbury. Yeah, and now a Yankee.

Okay. He's the best Yankee right now. First of all, he looks like he's eight years old. I don't realize how young that guy is. Eight-year-old kid. How do we let him go to the Yankees? Happy to have him. What is that?

Dude, listen, this was your decade, though, man. I mean, come on. I mean, Boston's gotten, again. It's the best sport for the last 10 years. Funniest people on the planet came out of Boston the last 30 years. Get ready for that to end because there's no negativity now. That's a great point, man. You were eight years old around 2001.

What do you got to bitch about? You got the Pats. You got the Celtics won one. They were always good with the Pierce and fucking Garnett. And you get the fucking three fucking titles with the Sox. And the Bruins knocked them off. And the Bruins are the best record in hockey this year. They won a cup two years ago.

That's what I mean. So, I mean, this is like, fuck you guys. There's going to be no more. You're going to be unfunny little pricks now. No, you're right. I told you. I went to Tony Burton, a super agent. Our super agent was great enough to get me tickets to the final game.

Tony's a good man. I said to you, I said, you got to go, man. You said that like a year prior to. Because when they won in 04 and 07, they didn't clinch. That's what you said. And I thought you were being picky-ooned. No, dude. You got to get a little sentimental when you were there, right?

Dude. Yeah. It's a night, even though I'm, you know, in my 50s, it's a night that's, I'm like a little kid. As a Yankee fan, I got that off my bucket list at the age of 10. Oh, I know. No, I know. But like you said. No, but that's amazing.

The whole, the whole, but the whole feel is different. You know, when you and I, when I went to the Sox game in the early, I remember, oh, I know. But like you said. No, but that's amazing. But the whole feel is different. You know, when I went to the Sox game in the early, I remember smelling cigars and peanuts. Right, right. And guys, you know, with a gut hanging out of their sweater, yelling at the umps, you know, big red Irish faces and stuff. Right, right. Now people are holding up their babies and other people are taking pictures of the baby. I saw that like four times.

Right. And I go, when I went to the Sox game in the 70s, the only time anybody held up a baby was to block a line drive from knocking over their beer, you know? Now it's a, you're right, it's a very, it's date night. There's all these good-looking chicks. No, I know, it's politically correct. And again, in the old days, they would have charged the field. Now, because all the rich people used to leave early

because they were afraid the crazies were going to attack them. Now the crazies can't get in. It's all rich people who are not going to get arrested. They all behave themselves and golf clap when they win. I know. In the 77 series, we had people like my father and me. My father throws me on the field. I'm not even a little bit kidding.

Like, I think back to some of the shit my old man did. I mean, would be in jail for years now. Years. He threw a 10-year-old on the fucking... And it didn't affect you. Look at you. He said he always had me. Didn't affect me, yeah.

He did. He found me, the motherfucker. I don't know. That's a great thing he did for you. Yeah, I remember his friend asked me to hold his beer while he rolled a joint in the upper deck. That's a little different story. The last time me and you were at Fenway, we held up a baby to throw it at Melrose Lowry Green. Oh, my God.

He found us. It was against the Braves on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. You look at me, and another great Artie Lyon quote, it's a perfect day. The weather's perfect. Fenway's full. It's against the Braves. National TV. You look at me and go,

and this is why the fucking terrorists can't win. Yeah, you're right. It's America, man. What's better than that day? Except the fact that we had three shows through the night at Comedy Connection. Well, John was going to do two minutes. John's doing two minutes up front

and getting 80% of the door. Not that dumb, is he? Guys, do you think I should switch around the order of the Gary joke? Guys, I forgot to tell you before the first of the three shows, we're having dinner

without a piss. Oh, that was the night I kicked him in the ass. Oh, dude, I'm walking by. I did not mean to kick him that hard either. I really didn't. We're in the north end of Boston going to an Italian restaurant. John makes us go.

The general manager of BCN, legendary place, legendary guy, Oedipus, good guy. But John makes us go to dinner with the guy before we got three shows. And Nick and me are the ones who have to work. John's hosting for five minutes and we have to do, you know. You had to do the Yeoman tour. Following me in my hometown. I mean, yeah, that's always fun. And, you know, the walls moved when you were on stage.

But, you know, so we're aggravated already because of that. It's freezing cold in December and John's going the wrong way every direction and you're slowly getting mad. You look like James Gunn getting mad in The Gambler at the banker. He didn't know where he was going. You were getting madder and madder. I said, something's going to happen here. I'm walking about five feet behind you guys, and you kick John in the ass,

and it hit him like he just went whap. And he almost fell over. So now you guys start to wrestle. I didn't even think about breaking it up. I said, I'm letting this go. After seeing him fight Cabby, I'm fucking... John's got retard strength. You've always known that.

Yeah. Absolutely. But I didn't mean... I sort of misjudged. It was going to be like a fake karate kick, but I put my foot halfway up his ass. You really hit him. And you were belly laughing. And John in the back goes...

But at the end of the day, you had him in a headlock. It was clearly over. But then we go, guys, by the way, where am I? And then we're like. Again, great night. Memorable night. Right? I mean, those frigging gigs.

The classic night when we're stopping your hometown and the and i'm heating up a burrito and john takes a shit two feet from the burrito in danvers my hometown we stopped to get gas yeah that's about two in the morning and john comes out the toilet's still flushing he comes out so he no chance no chance after shitting he washed his hand he picks up my burrito goes can i have a bite i said why don't you I said, why don't you keep that, John? Why don't you keep that one? There's shit particles all over it. And they called the cops on us. Yeah, they called the cops because I was being loud.

You were being a little rowdy. I was being loud. And was that the trip that John lost our check? Which one didn't he lose our check? John lost the check coming back from another classic night, Washington, D.C., when we had the hand sign woman, the woman doing the deaf signs on stage. We did George Washington University in D.C. when we had the hand sign woman the woman doing the deaf signs on stage we did George Washington University in D.C.

and it was great I remember we drove back because the next day was Martin Luther King we were at an office and we said fuck it

let's not stay here we're at the Watergate Hotel right that's right stayed at the Watergate I flew up from Boca to get in Boca at Boca Nuts

the night before and we drive up and John gets out to take a piss loses the fucking check a $10,000 check he loses while he's pissing on the side of I-95 somewhere in Delaware. And then at the end he goes,

he goes, I don't know, it's going to take a while before I can pay Nick. I'm like, why? He goes, I'm putting a new floor in. I'm like, Johnny, do you think Nick gives a fuck about your new floor? This is what he does for a living. He's a comedian.

You got to pay him. Three different times. Not once, not twice. Three different times he left his wallet in the airport bathroom, and I went in and got it. Came in after him. I got cabs. He was leaving me cabs while he was getting out.

You're behind them. And didn't he drop a check in the snow? Remember that one? Where were we coming back from? Was that Poughkeepsie? Well, this wasn't the snow, obviously. It was San Diego. I stayed out after John went home.

And I come back at four in the morning to the hotel. I'm walking through the hotel lobby. I see something on the ground. It's the check made out to John. A $10,000 check. I pick it up. He dropped it on his way to his, two hours before, on his way to his room. I said, I'm going to see how long it takes.

He didn't notice it until Monday. Monday we're at work at the Stern Show, about 7.30. He goes, Artie, you didn't find the check, did you? That's exactly it. Now you're asking me? It's fucking two days later. He dropped it in the lobby at a fucking Hilton in San Diego. Some of the best gigs we ever did.

Some of the best times. Just laughing. Me and Artie would go up to Buffalo and I'd call Artie's room and I'd go, look at the classifies in Buffalo. You can get a house, 14 bedrooms with a whole Mexican staff, indoor, outdoor pool,

71 acres for $11,500. Buffalo, one of those only towns you get an indoor above ground pool. They loved us. No, they didn't. We should go back there. Everybody in Buffalo. That's a good comedy time.

Greatest crowds. Right? Oh, the greatest crowds, man. Making some decent money, kicking ass, killing. How about, Artie, you got Crash and Burn? The paperback of Crash and Burn comes out June 3rd. Thank you. Was that another New York Times bestseller?

It made the bestseller. It got up to number eight. It got up to number eight. Which fucking money do you have? Two in a row. Well, listen, $1,200 a day on Percocet. And insulin's not exactly free either. But no, listen, the books have been good to me, man.

I can't believe it. It was a surprise without being on Howard every day to make the bestsellers. So I really appreciate the fans. Joe Buck did me a solid. He wrote the forward. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And only only book to beat it. Killing Jesus. I did beat it. And then I got I'm taping Comedy Central special in June. It'll air in September. I know. So I got some shit going on. I know.

You know, I'll be around. I got gigs to warm up for that. And hopefully, I don't know, maybe Nick and I are talking about maybe doing a couple of... I think we should go back. Why not? Right? On the road. I think we're doing a couple of theaters.

Maybe even call John to emcee. John, by the way, was going to... If I made it out to LA, by the way, you know, John was opening up for me. Are you kidding me? He called me. Does he still do stand-up? He says, I got a tight 45. No. 45 what? He was going to open up. he was gonna seconds he was gonna open up for me so he's around it's we me you and him can do a show

remember how mad he got when i said he i said you're not a comedian you're a radio personality remember so mad it actually hurt me it bothered me that i you know that it hurt him so bad i thought it would roll off his back. I thought he knew that. Listen, you're telling me. Guy's way more famous. He's had a better career than I'll ever have. I didn't think it would bother him.

You're telling him a fact, Nick. I go, you don't do what I do for a living. I mean, compared to you, a comedian, the guy is, I mean. He was incredulous, Artie. I've always said that John's the reason we fought the Revolutionary War. Never has someone done so much with so little He is not a musician Can barely play an instrument

He had a major record deal at a major label He is not a comedian He headlined every major club in the country practically And he's got a speech impediment He got the single most coveted voiceover job No, I know It really is I mean, come on, he'sica what's the puerto rican

version of a leprechaun he's gonna push you up his ass you're right he's he's the reason he's america man we gotta talk about the last time i don't it wasn't the last time you're here but maybe two times ago when when my buddy mike baker of mike b mike baker media sure yeah god bless him he was pushing the envelope. He had us on something called like Blog TV or something. Yeah. Blog Talk TV. It wasn't Blog Talk Radio.

It was something. We did it upstairs. We did it upstairs, and it was a disaster only because of your popularity. You crashed the system. Nobody was prepared for it. Do you remember? I remember. It was so bad.

You drove all the way. Dude, any time hanging out Was just fun I don't care We start the show That was a good six, seven years ago Maybe I don't know

I don't know anymore I don't know the difference Between 2003 and 2009 They're all blending in I don't know the goddamn difference With me too, yeah I was definitely still on Star It was a couple years at least

Before I left But we were on the air For like four minutes And blue smoke starts coming out of the back of my laptop and mike's running around i felt bad for mike because he's i mean he knows he knows his stuff but there was so much it wasn't ready for the the right what you you know what you brought and remember the kid knocking on the door one of my neighbors with meatballs that is funny i loved you he had meatballs i didn't even met the kid why not they live in a live in our neighborhood and first time you ever knocked on my doors to bring you meatballs that's hilarious listen if you're gonna knock on the door bring meatballs

i felt so freaking bad about that it was fine with me so um what the hell else did i want to touch on what do you think of colbert and and you did fallon already you did the tonight show tonight great and uh jimmy uh yeah it was nice enough to bring me on there and uh yeah he's good to me i you know i mean listen uh jimmy's kicking ass and and it could not happen to a nicer guy god is i know he really is a sweet one of those guys you root for jimmy and he's so talented the colbert thing is, I think Steve Colbert is funny, but it's odd because he does an act. He does a character.

It's an odd choice because of that. I'm just glad it's not Chelsea Handler. I'm fine. But Colbert is funny. I mean, God bless him. But it's just weird that he does that ironic act that he does. I'm wondering if the suits didn't even realize he's being ironic. They probably don't.

They're such lefties. You're right. And they love him mocking. You know, he's mocking, basically doing a Bill O'Reilly character or whatever. Right. And maybe they were assuming, oh, he's going to do this. They were assuming that it's going to fly from middle America if he did. No, but he's got to be himself.

Nick, I think you're 100% right. I guarantee you there's executives and a lot of people in America who don't know he's doing an act. I mean, absolutely. Absolutely. They think it's the real thing. But at least it's someone who's funny, you know? He's a good... I met him on...

I think we had him on Tough Crowd. And he is funny, smart, and funny, and very likable guy. Funny, smart motherfucker. And somebody's gone. Somebody's told me they think like, I mean, I hear this, that he's not even like a real lib, he's like a South Carolina

Catholic kind of... If that's the case, he really is a genius. He might all be an act. I mean, I don't know. That's pretty good. He's got a... Look, I think Bill O'Reilly

is a Republican, but I think a lot of that's pushed too. Yeah, I think so. I mean, he's a brilliant guy. That's what people who hate him don't want to admit. I mean, the guy's fucking... He's all right. He's ringing it out, man. I mean, he's a brilliant guy. That's what people who hate him don't want to admit. I mean, the guy's fucking, he's ringing it out, man. 16 years, number one.

Yeah. So. Yeah. That's what Howard told me once he was, he would tell me, he goes, the way you can be successful on the radio. I mean, obviously you have to be talented. I remember you telling me this and I already forgot it. Just take the way you're successful on the radio is take a definite black and white opinion

on something and don't waver from it. If you don't believe in it, if you don't think it's true, if it's stupid, just take a definite opinion because the people that agree with you will listen and the people that don't agree will listen even more. That's easy as said than done. Absolutely. But look at the guys who are successful. Rush Limbaugh never wavers. O'Reilly, you know, never wavers from stuff. You know, and the guys on the other side, the same thing.

Ronan Farrow. Oh, my God, man. I hope he's not Sinatra's kid because... He is. You know he is. He looks exactly like him. See his eyes? He looks exactly like him, but I don't think he's banging Rita Hayworth.

Oh, God, that kid annoys me, man. He really does. But I hope Woody Allen did fuck him. Listen, he's going off the air. I heard he's not doing well. I think it's done already, isn't it? Oh, it is, yeah. That's what I heard. Yeah.

He does look like old blue eyes, man, when he was real thin, when he was really young. I might have to do Jerry Dotyati. Have you ever done that? I know you've been on the other side of it i always had jerry looking at you i always had the fellas uh in jersey a couple of calls did you really i don't have that up in westchester i had an uncle who got me out of it every time did you but you got some guys that we always said when i would get the jury duty my mother go call uncle frank and he would get me out of it. You got his number? Is Frank still alive?

He's not with us anymore. A bunch of my cousins are currently digging up his backyard. I wish I was kidding. No, I've never done jury duty. Me either. When are you doing it? They sent me one back in January. Give him your DVD.

He'll be dismissed in five minutes. Exactly. Exactly right. Exactly. Here's some clips of me on Tough Crowd with Patrice. they sent me one back in january give me a dvd you'll be dismissed exactly exactly right exactly he's some clips me on tough crowd but i'm not kidding i mean first of all just because you're in the media you know sometimes they you know you might talk about the case that got you know after michael frankie died i got called for it once and because i was on stern i they wouldn't take me oh me I can see and also some of the things I said

I was going to say I've never had to do it they called me in January to do it and I had some legitimate thing you can like give them one excuse but you have to give them another date which I did

that was back in January I'm like May, that's a long ways away. I'll do that. So I get a call on next Friday night. I kept my schedule for May open just in case of that. You know what I mean? What if it's something that takes, it could take a week or it could take two days or a month, right? You get on a murder trial. Oh, please no.

I know people who have done it and they say it's fascinating, but they have fun. But none of those people have lives that I've talked no exactly you gotta work and you get five bucks a day or something it's uh yeah but it's terrible if you get on a long trial it's brutal yeah so i'm hoping not so i'm doing the stand every wednesday night i'll be around man i'll be doing set cellar i'll be at the cellar stand because i gotta get ready for this uh thing i'm doing and uh i have a lot more time now yeah yeah you do i'll be around, man. I'll be doing set cellar. I'll be at the cellar this thing because I got to get ready for this thing I'm doing. And I have a lot more time now. Yeah, yeah, you do. I'll be around.

Well, hey, brother. Thanks, Nick. Party. I love you, man. This is the same. What a weird few years this has been, man. But I'm so glad that we're friends. And I always have been.

And congrats on this setup, brother. This is great. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made like 40 bucks doing this last week. No, but I know. I go from the, what is it, Madison? Ashley Madison?

I know, theashleymadison.com. Unbelievable. Direct TV, give them props. That was an epic studio. Absolutely. I still have their product. Absolutely. Look, I still got the dish.

You're not going to beat it better. I'm recording three games right now, by the way. Good product. You're a sports fan. You still have their product. Absolutely. You're not going to beat it better. I'm recording three games right now, by the way. Good product. You're a sports fan. You've got to have it. You know what I mean? That's my life. I come home from the comedy cellar somewhere. I'll come in. My wife will give me a peck on the cheek. It's about as sensual as my aunt Carol kissing me on her mistletoe.

She'll go upstairs and watch Friends reruns. I'll go downstairs and I'll watch the Sox and Yankees back-to-back. It's called the marriage. i need i'm having sleeping problems too i meant to bring that up i can't huh that that's when that's when the troubles start for me how do i get to sleep well yeah because well me and you this famous story me and you i was a full-blown heroin addict at the time but nobody knew what me and nick and i are on a 14-hour flight to afghanistan to kandahar nick goes you want half an ambien i yeah, I'll put my foot to sleep. He takes like four of them and swallows them.

I look over an hour later, he's tapping his foot, looking out the window. I had a cup of coffee. Nick took half one. He was asleep for the 11. He slept 11 hours. Like a little girl. This is how little I know about drugs. I was cutting time-release pills, which you're not supposed to do.

Right, it doesn't work. So it was making me, but Artie, I can't take any of that shit even the holistic stuff i ordered some stuff through the mail it's like uh valerian and holistic stuff makes you goofy natural stuff makes me crazy it's something to do with that part of the brain the next day i am scary ambient i can't even go out in public no ambience aien's a different thing. It's not even about the amount. You could be a heroin addict. One Ambien could take you out because it's a different, it's called a benzodiazepine. Yes. Yeah.

I can't do any of that. Xanax is a benzo. That's a benzo, like Restoril. And withdrawals from that stuff is, can, that and booze withdrawals, they can kill you. Heroin withdrawals, it's awful. withdrawals they can kill you heroin withdrawals won't they're it's awful won't kill you benzos like xanax and what you're talking about ambien can kill you withdrawing from it and booze so you gotta be careful with that shit no i don't take it i i can't i i went to a doctor's office i thought i think i told you this and and this was a couple years ago we lived in

tarrytown right and and i had taken ambien the night before. No, yeah, it was Ambien the night before. And Andy, she goes to the doctor's office with me. And I'm sitting there. And she goes up to the window. And the girl is on the phone and puts her hand like in Andy's face. Instead of just saying, I'm busy. You told me. And I went off.

I went fucking crazy. I'm sure you did. I went mental. And the doctor comes out of his office and pulls me in to his office. And he goes, what are you here for? And I go, depression. He starts laughing. I wish I saw mental. And the doctor comes out of his office and pulls me in to his office. And he goes, what are you here for? And I go, depression. He starts laughing. I wish I saw that.

You know, when I was a longshoreman, the insurance we had, you know, they would give you like, that's where the guy in Newark, the longshoreman dentist. That's the dentist who called me a pansy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was drilling my tooth. He goes, whoa, whoa. He goes, come on. He had his knee in my chest. He goes, what are you, a pansy?

Thank you, Dr. Finkelberg. It's the ephedrine I can't eat. There's no spray. It makes me nuts. Stay away from it. So that's meth, right? It's like ephedrine. You're in an episode of Breaking Bad before you know it.

I got a whole chunk, by the way, on meth. That's the new bit I'm writing that I want you to look at. It's funny stuff. All righty. Thanks, baby. Thanks. Seriously, love you, man. This was great.

Yeah. And Adrian's upstairs. We'll go upstairs and have a couple of... You can Thanks, Nick. Seriously, love you, man. This was great. Yeah, and Adrian's upstairs. We'll go upstairs and have a couple of, you can't have soda. I'll give you a Toll and Springs. Our two broads are upstairs. I can't do anything anymore but stare at a wall. Any dates you want to plug or anything? Well, this Saturday night, I'm at Gotham running my, I take this as a badge of honor.

Comedy Central's lawyers are taping my hour before we do the special. I might go watch the lawyers. 11.45 at Gotham this Saturday night. Coming up. What's Saturday night's date? May 3rd. May 3rd, 11.45, I'll be at Gotham in New York City running my hour. If you want to see what the special's going to be.

May 1st, I will be, which is two nights from now, Thursday, me and Robert Kelly doing Harris in Atlantic City. That's a funny fucking show right there. And Nick and I might be doing something. Yes. Keep an eye on me. Yeah. We got to get something going. And I'll be at the stand every Wednesday night in the city in May because my jury duty.

I have to stick around. Great club. Great food. Thanks, Artie, so much. Thanks. Kids, that's about it. Thank you for tuning in wash your asses talk to you later

goodnight until we meet again adios all at once I'll be this day guitar solo guitar solo Bye.